The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 01.10.99
OK, so let’s face it, I was going to have to lobotomize myself with a Black & Decker cordless drill if I had to sit through any more of early 99 RAW, but I was still mostly enjoying Heat because it was:
a) Fast-paced enough that nothing terrible stuck with me long, and;
b) It’s short.
So I feel like now that I’ve had a few weeks off from the horrors of Vinnie Ru at the beginning of 99, I can at least go back to Heat for 45 minutes a week. Plus the show only runs up until HHH’s famous “I am the Game” interview in July anyway. So let’s get back to it!
When we last left off on RAW, Mankind had finally won the WWF title from the Rock in a match you may have heard about before.
LIVE from San Antonio, TX
Your hosts are Kevin Kelly and Shane McMahon.
The Corporation joins us to start, and Kevin Kelly talks about the “horrific dismemberment” of Shawn Michaels to close out RAW. What, did he go to Saudi Arabia? Anyway, Vince promises that he’ll take some action against Mankind tomorrow on RAW and it’s gonna be BRUTAL and DIRE. Kind of like RAW this past Monday. Onto the subject of Shawn Michaels, and Vince warned him not to show up on RAW, and so when Shawn decided to cross the boss and show up, Vince had to teach him a lesson. So TONIGHT, IN THIS VERY RING, Vince guarantees HHH will face hard time. However, he personally had nothing to do with Shawn getting beat up, although he doesn’t deny that his underlings might have. So then Vince finds Jose Lothario in the crowd and tries to put him over, but Jose tells him that he sucks and the Stooges beat him down and throw him out of the ring. Gotta get heat on Heat.
Meanwhile, Al Snow and the Blue Meanie are ready for the Brood.
Al Snow v. Christian
So Al was still a bit nuttier than usual after the blood bath a month ago, and he attacks Christian and tosses him for some abuse while the Meanie joins us on commentary. Back in, Christian takes him down with the hair and gets a front suplex for two, but Snow makes a comeback and Goldust steals Head for some reason. Meanie goes after him, but Christian pins the distracted Snow with the inverted DDT at 2:10. 0 for 1.
Meanwhile, Sable walks and talks with Michael Cole, which is about as exciting as you’d think from that combination.
Lion’s Den Match: Owen Hart v. Steve Blackman
They seriously rebuilt the bizarre Lion’s Den cage for this random episode of Heat? I had no idea there was ever a second one. Blackman suplexes Owen into the cage and wraps him up with a submission on the ground, but Owen punches him in the face to break and follows with a suplex and a backbreaker. Owen with chops, but he misses the Owenzuigiri and Blackman gets a bridged Indian deathlock. Owen escapes and kicks him in the nuts, but Blackman escapes a piledriver and runs Owen into the cage. Blackman comes off the cage with a headbutt, but Owen runs him into the cage and hits a leg lariat and belly to belly. Blackman dropkicks him into the cage, but Owen suplexes him again. Blackman slips behind and runs him into the cage again and then dropkicks him into the cage and batters him with kicks, but Owen takes him into the cage with a drop toehold and a ref comes over and yells at them to go home. So Owen gets a dragon sleeper and then switches to the Sharpshooter, which Blackman reverses to his own version. And at this point special ref Dan Severn jumps into the cage, lays out Blackman, and rips off the neck brace before putting Blackman out with a dragon sleeper of his own and it’s some kind of non-finish at 5:50. Yes, in a match where the ONLY WAY TO WIN is by submission, it ends in some kind of bullshit Sports Entertainment Finish. Match was all action until they decided to get out of it with the angle. 1 for 2.
Intergalactic tag team titles: The Headbangers v. The Oddities
Not to be confused with the current Universal title, this is the Headbangers defending their foam replica “titles”. The Oddities attack and Golga gets the corner splash and drops an elbow on Mosh while George Steele gnaws on Thrasher’s shin. Kurrgan misses a big boot and Mosh chokes him out on the ropes, but Kurrgan just no-sells it all and chokeslams him into a Golga splash to finish at 1:48. So the Oddities are the Intergalactic tag team champions and I’m pretty sure this was never mentioned again. 1 for 3.
Meanwhile, Owen and Severn beat up Blackman in the parking lot and then drive off together. None of this makes a lick of sense.
Lion’s Den Match #2: HHH v. Big Bossman
Ah so that’s why they built the cage. So yes, Vince sends Hunter in there to get his revenge, and Shane immediately runs down from the broadcast position and heads into the cage to give Bossman his nightstick and it’s a 2-on-1 beatdown. “Boy, this is awful” notes Kevin Kelly. I agree wholeheartedly. And then DX and the Corporation continue their neverending war and break into the cage to continue fighting as the show goes mercifully off the air. 1 for 4.
How do I sum up this episode…
Yeah, that’ll do. Well, better luck next week.