The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–01.03.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 01.03.99

Alrighty then. This is probably where I’ll end off with Heat, since the show stops in July on the Network anyway. I could continue on for the sake of completion, but clearly the show’s not getting any better and there’s other stuff out there.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Shane McMahon

The New Age Outlaws join us to start, and Road Dogg wants some REVENGE on the Rock with a Hardcore title match. So that brings out the Corporation and their 8 million belts. Ken Shamrock reminds us that he’s a UFC champion, and Billy Gunn is classless and thus won’t get a shot at the IC title. He makes a good point, given Gunn’s big highspot is mooning people. So Rock is not interested in facing a jabroni like Road Dogg (and can you blame him? I can’t.) so instead we get Road Dogg v. Test as the main event.

Meanwhile, Shamrock and Billy Gunn get into a scrap in the locker room as they continue to try to make people care about this storyline.

George “The Animal” Steele v. Mosh

The stipulations du jour: Should Steele win this clash, the Oddities get a shot at the make believe tag team titles held by the Headbangers and represented by toy foam belts. Why is this feud still going? And are the “Tag team championships of the Universe” actually a sanctioned thing now? Mosh tries to walk away, but the Oddities throw him in and Steele hits him with the foreign object for the pin at 1:20. 0 for 1.

Meanwhile, in San Antonio, Shawn Michaels lets us know that he’s not afraid of being dismembered by Vince McMahon, so he’ll be there on RAW. Really? They did a supposed satellite link for THAT?

Mark Henry v. HHH

HHH insinuates that Henry is a monkey, which pairs well with Mosh calling the Oddities “retarded freaks” in the previous match. So we get a bunch of stalling to start and HHH goes to a headlock, but Chyna comes out with another “woman”, which allows Hunter to finish with a Pedigree off the distraction at 1:56. Wasn’t even a match. He didn’t even do anything to Henry! He just gave him the finisher with no setup. 0 for 2. And am I going to have to sit through the Sammy bullshit on my last RAW, too?

Meanwhile, we get another look at the Vince training sessions.

Val Venis v. Christian

Christian attacks in the corner to start, but Val hits him with a spinebuster. Blind charge misses and Christian gets a powerbomb for two. Val goes up and Christian dropkicks him onto the Big Valbowski, but Val fights him off and finishes with the Money Shot at 2:20. And then the lights go out and the Brood attacks, resulting in a bloodbath. “What does the bloodbath symbolize?” asks Kevin Kelly. I dunno, maybe BLOOD? Fuck me this show is so stupid. 0 for 3.

Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett v. Ken Shamrock & Big Bossman

This would be non-title. Shamrock gets a quick powerslam on Owen for two, but he tries a rana and Owen powerbombs him for two. Bossman comes in and Jarrett gets an armbar takedown, but Bossman catches him with a slam and then hits the Bossman Slam for two. Shamrock makes the save, but Debra shows off her puppies to distract Bossman, and Jarrett gets the rollup for the pin at 2:40. 0 for 4.

Mankind joins us, and he’s OFF THE FORMAT SHEET. To illustrate this, Shane and Kevin actually look at the format sheets and don’t see Mankind’s name on it. Turns out he’s here to do commentary.

Road Dogg v. Test

Test does not yet have his “This is a test” music, but he does still have his glorious blond mane of hair. Road Dogg slugs away to start while Test sells by flipping his hair, and the shaky knees get two. Test comes back with a falcon arrow and yells at Foley, then hits the big boot and gets more devastating hair flips. Neckbreaker sets up the pumphandle, but Dogg escapes and gets his own, which brings out the Rock for the DQ at 2:40. Really? They couldn’t even give us a finish to that? So tomorrow on RAW, the stipulation is supposed to be Road Dogg defending the Hardcore title against the Rock, but of course that’s not the direction they went.

And with that, I’m done with Heat for the foreseeable future.

Next time: We’ll see where we land. I’ve got some ideas.