I was listening to a local Boston area sports radio show earlier tonight on my way home from work. It is always entertaining to listen to legitimate sports media personalities discuss wrestling. To listen to these wonks, wrestling requires precisely no talent and no athleticism, and their purpose in covering Wrestle Mania once a year is simply to mock what they don’t understand. But the sports radio jocks I was listening to, Michael Felger and Tony Massarotti (a paisan!) were not discussing the relative merits of the matches. No, they were discussing Mania prop bets. And I must admit, scouring the net for them a few minutes ago, they are pretty good. Here are some of the best (or worst):
Match: Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls vs. Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bella Twins
-Match time: Over/Under (O/U) 5:00
-Will Tons of Funk and company’s entrance include excessive dancing?
Seriously? People are betting on this shit? What a world we live in. For the record, Tons of Funk wins in a match lasting less than five minutes with the intros taking longer than the match. And, yes, excessive dancing abounds.
Match: Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
-Match time O/U: 7 minutes
-Number of times Fandango says his name: O/U 5.5
Fandango wins this match. I am not throwing in the odds of guys winning matches in a fixed event because that is just silly. At least to me. The match gets more than seven minutes, as Jericho is on a hot streak right now and is being trusted to put Fandango over as a credible mid card act. And Fandango -5.5? Take the over there folks. He’ll be screaming his own name worse than me mid coitus.
Match: WWE Tag Team Titles: Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston
-AJ Lee distraction is instrumental in the finish: Yay or nay
-Match time: O/U 7:30
This match is the definition of filler. I love Ziggs and D Bry, but this is going way under that 7:30 mark. Safest bet of the show. And AJ Lee being a distraction? That is for fucking certain. The guys in Vegas don’t watch wrestling too much obviously.
Match: Ryback vs. Mark Henry
-Match time O/U: 9:00
-Ryback botches Shellshock: Y/N
-Ryback successfully performs Shellshock: Y/N
This match is the $64,000 question of this event. The house show reports have not been positive. I think Ryback wins here, botches one Shellshock, but eventually nails it the second time. Henry will do his damndest, and Ryback will experience a type of adrenaline his green ass has never experience. And Vince will give this ten minutes at least, so over on match time.
Match: IC Title: Wade Barrett vs. The Miz
No bets needed. Pre show fodder. Plus, Miz sucks. Fuck him. Get Barrett away from this loser.
Match: Randy Orton, Big Show, and Sheamus vs. The Shield
-Match time: O/U 12 minutes
-Orton, Sheamus and Show lose via team discord: Y/N
-Orton turns heel: Y/N
-Show reverts back to heel: Y/N
I added that last one. The Shield wins this thing. No doubt in my mind. Here is the thing: If Orton turns here and hands the match to Shield, there is no chance of Cena turning in the Main. No chance in hell. So this match will be the tell tale sign for the whole upper card of the event. I expect Shield to win after Sheamus accidentally nudges Show, which Show responds to with a KO (worst finisher ever) punch. Shield is so well booked right now that it would be a travesty to halt the momentum now.
Match: World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger
-Chances anyone besides Vince McMahon gives a shit about this match: 0%
-Match time: O/U 12:30
-Ricardo vs Dutch happens at ringside: Y/N
-Del Rio drives into Mania: Y/N
-Car Del Rio drives into Mania: greater or less than $200,000.
-Outside interference: Y/N
I could care less about this crap. And that is what this angle has been: WrestleCrap. The match will get about 11 minutes, so I am going under there. Ricardo and Dutch Mantel will get into it on the outside and will be the impetus for the finish. Del Rio will NOT drive a car into the arena, as it goes against the humble babyface image he has been fishing for the last few months. If Alberto really wants to embody that humble face image, he drives a 1995 Mercury Topaz to the ring. And Alberto wins after Vince tells him to fully “spic it up.” As an Italian, that last sentence pained me. And outside interference? No doubt in this abortion of a Mania match. Ugh. Let us just move on…
Match: HHH vs. Brock Lesnar
This is a prop bet that is made in general for any WWE show over the last 15 or so years. The bet does not apply to any singular match, but, as a wrestling fan, I know where my bread is buttered, so this is the match where this bet becomes applicable:
-Chances of the Spanish Announce Table remaining intact throughout the event (50-1)
One of these guys is getting spinebustered through that table. HHH needs all the gimmicks he can get at this point. Brock had a great match with Cena last year with some gimmicks, but Brock-H at SummerSlam was kind of flat. Look for none of that here.
-Match time O/U 20:00
Oh this one is going that twenty minutes. Its HHH and the man the fans most want to see, Brock Lesnar.
-Number of times the sledgehammer is used: 3.5
Over. That puppy is going to get a workout here.
-HBK Sweet Chin Music on Brock
Yes. At least once, and leading to the finish.
Match: Undertaker vs CM Punk
-Length of Taker’s entrance: O/U 4:30
-Punk hitting a tombstone
-Heyman interference. 2/1
-Finishers used: 10
Taker’s entrance will take ten years. We all know that. OVER. Punk is not HHH or HBK, so the tombstone is out of question. Punk WILL use Hell’s Gates and Taker WILL use the GTS and Anaconda Vice, so gotta go over on the finishers. Heyman will get his ass beat in the match, no doubt, for the disrespect of Paul Bearer. In an upset, Undertaker wins.
Match: WWE Championship: Rock vs John Cena
I could go with finishing sequences or prop bets here, but I am not. This is a big match, despite what people may think. And this is my feel on the whole scenario: Cena is going heel here (unless Orton does earlier in the card). Cena wins, we all know that. We all know they will go through about six finishing sequences. Rock WILL lay down here. If the heel turn doesn’t happen this night, it never will. I just feel it in my bones.
And that, kids, is the Mania prop bet rant. Please comment with non Vegas prop bets below.