I don’t mean to moisten your knickers, but tonight is a pretty big show. Disco Inferno, Brad Armstrong, Billy Kidman, and The Public Enemy are ALL scheduled to be here. Do you know why the nWo hasn’t bothered with this show? Because every week, they see the beastly lineup, and can’t figure out how they’d successfully “take over” without getting their collective asses handed to them. Given all the baseball bats in the world, they’d have no chance to fend off Billy Kidman, and his size 12 waist.
Your hosts are TONY SCHIAVONE and “SOBER” BOBBY HEENAN.
DISCO INFERNO vs. ALEX WRIGHT
Tony points out that the winner of World War 3 will either be someone they predict, or someone they don’t predict. That’s actually his selling point. I will say this, I love that NICK PATRICK apparently has the fair hair growth of a werewolf. On Saturday Night, he’ll be sporting a full goatee, on Worldwide he likes to trim down to a rockin’ moustache, before going goatee again on Nitro. He is also refereeing here. The fans start cheering and booing right off the bell, sounding much like the crowd on nWo Saturday Night. Disco is concerned about messing up his hair, which both Tony and the fans take issue with. I wish they wouldn’t judge. Wright applies a side headlock with zero regard for Disco’s mousse application. Disco comes back with a headlock of his own, which seems to keep Wright at bay, so he stops to shake his booty. Of course, Wright snaps off a headscissors takeover immediately. Avalanche is missed, and Wright smacks his head on the buckle HARD. Disco is right there with a neckbreaker, but he dances before going for the pinfall and only gets 2. Wright comes back with a belly to belly for 2. Tony feels that Wright is showing the stuff he needs to win World War 3, as he connects with a missile dropkick for the win at 4:07. The fans legitimately lose their minds in happiness over this, I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but the entire place is on their feet clapping, screaming and dancing. **
BRAD ARMSTRONG vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR.
Tony declares this a matchup of two of the “greatest Cruiserweights in the world!” And when you have a matchup with the very best, you turn to NICK PATRICK. I’m impressed that WCW is so popular that apparently the ticket packages are now on a per-match basis, because this is a completely different crowd. Of course, you can only have a demand for tickets like this if you’re forever featuring the best, in this case, two of the best Cruiserweights in the world. Chavo hits a dropkick, and locks Armstrong in a hammerlock, a staple of any lightweight division. Fans chant USA, because El Paso declared their independence in late 1993, making Chavo a foreigner. Chavo nails a Frankensteiner and hooks the legs for 2. Armstrong fires back with a powerbomb for the win at 3:31. This was awful. 1/2*
JERRY LYNN vs. BILLY KIDMAN
I know I say it EVERY time Jerry Lynn wrestles, but I can’t get over the fact he uses Jerry Flynn’s music. Nor can I get over the fact that NICK PATRICK has been assigned a 3rd straight match, but this IS featuring two of the greatest Cruiserweights in the world. So, Heenan starts talking about Syxx in a way that seems a little too personal, and Tony accuses him of working with the nWo. Bobby backtracks, and I’ll leave the rest to verbatim.
Tony (sounding legit pissed): “I think it’s very obvious to everyone here that you have been communicating with members of the nWo. And I’m gonna put you on the spot. You look out for yourself, you always have, always will! If they make you a better offer than WCW, you leave! You’d leave today! You’d leave me high and dry, you’d leave us! Armdrag takedown by Billy Kidman. Now respond, oh self-centred one!”
Bobby: “Yes, that was an armdrag.”
There will never be any better than Bobby Heenan.
Of course, he eventually tells us the truth, which is he’d join the nWo in a heartbeat if Hogan wasn’t involved, but as long as he’s there, no chance. Lynn hiptosses Kidman a couple of times, but Kidman fires back with a springboard bulldog for 2. Lynn hits a rana, but can’t score the pinfall. Kidman uses his small package, but it does little damage. Lynn comes off the top with a crossbody, which is usually the end on this show, but only 2 today. Kidman manages to dodge a dropkick, hit a slam, and finishes with the Shooting Star Press at 3:42. **1/2
PRINCE NAKAMAKI vs. CHRIS JERICHO
Tony: “Boy oh boy, Prince Iaukea is here!” No one will ever question his enthusiasm. Have I told you recently that Chris Jericho is a wiener? Probably, but this time I’ll let HIM tell you.
This is a man in more dire need of a heel turn than John Cena. Jericho hits a back elbow, before both guys hit each other with dropkicks. They share a handshake because they’re BOTH wieners. Tony continues his nWo interrogation of Bobby, even though he already gave the best alibi on the planet with the Hogan hate. Iaukea takes over the offense for several minutes, which is code for “very little happens”. Jericho comes back with a spinning heel kick, before trading Oklahoma rolls with each other, which happens to be Jim Ross’ nickname when he heads to the beach. Iaukea hits the Northern Lights, but Jericho kicks out at 2. Well, that finisher is killed. Jericho comes back with a suplex, screams “ARE YOU READY?”, hits the Lionsault, and scores the win at 4:19. *1/2
JOE GOMEZ and THE RENEGADE vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY
This is your main event, though I imagine that should have been obvious with these names. Everyone shakes hands for the 4th match in a row, and Bobby declares this the worst week of Worldwide ever. Gomez tosses Grunge around for awhile, but eventually gets kicked in the face. A swinging neckbreaker gets 2. A double clothesline leaves Gomez dizzy, and he tags in Renegade, who powerslams Rock for 2. Renegade misses a blind charge, and slams the buckle. Everyone trades off, and Grunge beats the piss out of Gomez. Gomez botches a sunset flip, so Grunge just sits on him. A double boot sets up a double elbow drop, and Grunge leaves the ring. A moonsault from Rock misses, and Gomez hits a clothesline. Hot tag to Renegade after Gomez was in there for a whole minute, and everything breaks down. Renegade is promptly tossed, and the Drive By finishes at 4:17. Hey, he wasn’t legal! *
On a serious note, if we throw in referee Pee Wee Anderson, 80% of the people in the main event are no longer with us, all of 18 years later. Steroids, drug habits, concussions, and depression are no joke, and I’m genuinely happy the WWE has taken SOME steps in the right direction to correct these destructive areas. Of course, none of that applies to Pee Wee Anderson, who was an unfortunate victim of testicular cancer. I’m 32-years old, and of an age where stuff like that starts to become important, so without getting too preachy, guys, get checked.
Closing on a lighter note, Heenan and Tony talk about Sting to close the show. Heenan grabs the stick, and calls out Sting. He says some people believe WCW needs him. However, Sting needs to stop pouting and walking around in black and white because he thinks he was “backstabbed”. Either join the nWo already, or come home. Tony: “Thanks Reverend, I’m sure he’ll listen to you since he hasn’t to anyone else.”
Next week, Glacier, Brad Armstrong, and Rick Steiner are all in the house. Are they trying to pop a big rating or something?
Nitro tomorrow, where we’ll finally answer the question on everyone’s mind: Has Piper released a statement through his agent citing his embarrassment for the footage we were subjected to last week? If he needs a little PR clean up, I have his back.
To all my fans around the world:
Last week, a music video aired, that contained footage of me frolicking around on a beach, and singing that I was your man. Today, I stand before you to admit that yes, years ago in Germany, I did make that video. And I’m ashamed of its contents.
I want everyone to know that I do not believe in what you witnessed. As a God fearing Christian man, I will prove to you through my actions, and not my words, that my days of metrosexual softcore music videos are behind me. I want to move forward. WCW needs a hero at this time, and that person is not me, not now.
I would like to extend a huge debt of gratitude to Eric Bischoff for letting me speak my mind when I went face to face with that walking tanning bed, Hollywood Hogan. But after last week’s actions, it’s clear I am not ready to carry the torch. I fully endorse Lex Luger as the man who should represent WCW at Starrcade.
Finally, I request that you respect the privacy of my family as we deal with this tumultuous footage.