Michael’s Impact Review

Impact Wrestling on Spike TV
April 5, 2012
The Impact Zone – Orlando, Florida

–  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

–  Tonight’s Impact begins with Dixie and Sting in the ring welcoming us to Impact Wrestling with the entire roster standing around the ring.  She brings out Hulk Hogan to the ring.  He thanks Sting and Dixie for bringing him back.  He met with creative today and new things are gonna happen in Impact.  I reference the speech from January 2010 if you want to be interactive with his speech.  He books Crimson vs Matt Morgan at Lockdown.  We will have a Knockouts Championship Challenge to name the #1 contender tonight.  Hogan already sweating and calls out Eric Bischoff.  Ric Flair outside the ring tells him that Bischoff isn’t here.  Out comes Bobby Roode and my head is spinning.  Roode says he has only one obligation:  April 15 against James Storm and humiliate him.  Hogan brings Mr. Anderson in the ring and books him against Roode for tonight.  OVW’s finest pull Roode back and try to calm him down.  Hogan turns to Kurt Angle.  He says he will not wrestle Jeff Hardy at Lockdown.  Instead he wrestles Hardy tonight.  Flair starts disrobing and that match is next.

1.  Jeff Hardy vs.  Kurt Angle
–  Hardy starts with quick armdrags and kicks Angle out of the ring.  Hardy with a delayed dropkick to the face and Angle is busted open.  Angle beats Hardy back in and drops him. Angle with a chinlock on Hardy and we’ll be right back.  Back on Impact as Hardy nails Angle in the face with Whisper in the Wind.  Hardy ducks a clothesline and drops him with a dropkick.  Twist of Fate blocked and into Angle’s Rolling Germans.  Hardy jumps out the Angle Slam and hits the Twist of Fate.  He heads up top and Angle meets him there with an overhead belly to belly from the top!  Straps down and Ankle Lock Submission applied!  Hardy escapes and hits ANOTHER Twist of Fate.  Angle pulls the ref in front and Hardy hops down.  Angle tries the low blow and Hardy side steps.  He goes for the Twist of Fate again and Angle rolls out.  Angle flips Hardy off and take the countout @ 12:52.  (A great match that I enjoyed.  I found myself watching instead of nodding off like their Victory Road match.  B-.)

–  Backstage, Hulk Hogan notifies Angle he will face Hardy in a steel cage at Lockdown.  Elsewhere, Ric Flair is on the phone with Eric Bischoff and tells him he is going ahead with the plan if Eric doesn’t show.

–  Elsewhere, Bully Ray is standing by for comments and he wants to be referred to as Calfzilla.  He wants Austin Aries to stay away from the ring because something big is gonna happen.

–  Bully Ray is in the ring as we return to Impact and boasts about things bigger than Aries, including his bowel movements.  Aries comes down and attacks Ray in the ring.  Ray returns with a Bubba Bomb.  He stands over Aries with his X Division belt and asks Aries if he knows he is.  He drops the belt on Aries and leaves the ring.

–  Joesph Park is in catering (imagine that) looking for his brother.  Up next, a 6-woman Knockouts Championship Challenge.

–  Backstage, AJ Styles in batting gloves predicts James Storm will beat Bobby Roode.  Storm walks up and says he has to have a match with someone tonight.  AJ vs Storm is later.

2.  Mickie James vs.  Winter vs.  Tara vs.  Angelina Love vs.  Madison Rayne vs.  Velvet Sky

–  Match begins on the other side of the commercial.  Winter and Tara kick things off as Winter works the arm over.  Tara slaps her and clotheslines her down.  Scoop slam by Tara and standing moonsault brings all the Knockouts in the ring.  Angelina comes in and Winter tags out to Mickie.  Mickie with a headlock and shoudlerblock Angelina down.  Angelina drops Mickie down across the ropes.  Mickie comes back with a neckbreaker for 2.  Velvet in the ring and Angelina kicks her low.  Slam gets 2.  Tara and Madison in the ring now and Tara clotheslines her down.  Fireman’s Carry into a sidewalk slam gets 2.  Everyone gets hit  with finishers including a Widows Peak for Angelina.  Windup backbreaker for Tara.  Jumping DDT on Winter.  Velvet in and kicks Mickie and nails the In Yo Face for the win @ 7:01.  (Ladies put on a great one tonight.  Extenuate the positives, every girl except Velvet, and hid the negatives…Velvet Sky.  C+.)

–  Bobby Roode walks into Mr. Anderson’s locker room and gives him a chance to back out the match.  Anderson turns extra red and says he can go in the back.  OVW Security stand in front of him.

–  Its time for EY’s bachelor party complete with suckers and non-alcoholic wine.  Instead, he wants to have a baseball fantasy draft.  In comes ODB with wings, cigars, and beer.  Apparently Jose Canseco goes first.  Bad pick!

3.  James Storm vs.  AJ Styles

–  AJ still in batting gloves and we lock it up.  Storm goes for the Last Call Superkick quickly and AJ backs off.  Storm off the ropes and we have a stalemate.  AJ with a waistlock and Storm backs out.  AJ backdropped to the apron.  AJ tries a kick and Storm trips him into a side headlock.  AJ up and slams Storm down.  Storm set up top, AJ with an enziguiri to the back of his head.  Storm able to hop over AJ and EYE OF THE STORM!  AJ up and PELE KICK to Storm’s head.  Storm charges in and AJ springboards over him, LAST CALL SUPERKICK!  Storm wins it @ 6:35.  (Great match up.  I would have gone home happy with this as the closer tonight.  B-.)

–  Storm gets on the mic and demands that Roode show up next week just to look him in the eye.

–  Backstage, Hogan brags to Sting about stirring up the hornet’s nest around TNA.  He tells Sting to get better so he can help him do what he planned on doing.

4.  Mexican America (with Sarita & Rosita) vs.  Motor City Machine Guns

–  Sabin starts with Anarquia.  Hernandez comes in and get trapped in an Octopus.  He dropkicks him down and tags in Shelley.  Diving forearm by Shelley in the corner and gets thrown off a Tornado DDT.  Anarquia comes in and misses a leapfrog smash.  Hernandez kicked down and HOT TAG brings in Sabin.  Corkscrew elbow by Sabin and ties Anarquia in a Tree O Woe!  Delayed dropkick to the face.  Hernandez comes in and goes for the Border Toss.  Shelley distracts and kicks Anarquia from the apron.  Skull and Bones finishes Anarquia as Shelley splashes over Anarquia’s knees @ 4:18.  (Good to see MCMG back.  Good return.  C.)

–  MCMG are back and want a tag title match.  Elsewhere, Ric Flair is with Eric Bischoff in the parking lot and Flair tells him that Hogan is on a power trip.  Bischoff is a psychological ninja and promises Flair he will put Hogan in a tiny box.

–  Back on Impact and Hogan is in the ring and calls out Eric Bischoff.  Bischoff runs his mouth, but I kind of blacked out.  Hogan says he is blowing hot air.  He asks Eric to put together a team for Lockdown and Garret will do the same.  Lethal Lockdown, I take it.  If Bischoff’s team wins, Garret has to leave TNA forever.  If Garret’s team wins, Eric has to leave TNA and never uses the Bischoff name again (?).  Bischoff accepts.

–  More video on the family of James Storm commenting on Bobby Roode.

5.  Mr. Anderson vs.  Bobby Roode

–  Anderson attacks Roode on the floor and they roll in the ring.  Roode stomps Anderson to the mat.  Anderson exchanges rights with Roode and backdrops him over.  Cover gets 2.  REF BUMP outta nowhere and Roode is on the floor.  Roode grabs a beer from a fan and breaks the bottle over the head of Anderson.  Ref wakes up magically and Roode wins it @ 4:11.  (Not sure what just transpired…to tell you the truth I black out when Anderson is in the ring.  D+.)

–  Hogan comes out and reverses the decision why Anderson bleeds everywhere.  Show ends.

–  On paper, you see Hogan is taking over TNA and you would think it was gonna be garbage.  I have to say, everything in-ring was stellar.  Maybe I was harsh on Anderson-Roode, but I just dislike Anderson that much.  Only other gripe was they were rolling with a great show and it all comes to a screeching halt with Hogan-Bischoff.  At least one Bischoff will be gone from TNA in 10 days.  See you next Thursday.

Michael’s Impact Review

Impact Wrestling on Spike TV
March 29, 2012
The Impact Zone – Orlando, Florida
–  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

–  Impact begins with highlights of last week’s decision to have Hulk Hogan to run Impact again.  Dixie Carter, from earlier today, says she has a big decision to make…as does the Hulkster.

–  Oddly enough, Bobby Roode, who said he would not be in the Impact Zone until after Lockdown, begins the show headed to the ring with security around him.  Roode said he is here by popular demand and beat down Sting in more ways than one.  Sting stepping down as GM has solidified Roode winning the war.  Crowd wants Dixie.  I could go without.  Roode talks about his lawyer coming out last week and saying he doesn’t need to be here.  He has only one obligation and that is beating James Storm at Lockdown.  The security is there for Storm’s safety.  Out comes Cowboy James Storm to make things interesting.  Security stands in front of Storm, who is there to kick Roode’s ass.  Bully Ray attacks from behind.  Roode says something to Ray and Storm goes after Ray.  Ray hits the deck and Roode does too.  Storm has the mic and challenges both of them to a handicap match for later.  

–  In the back, Gail Kim and Madison Rayne are sitting next to each other.  Madison wants nothing to do with each other.  Gail gives her a new tiara.  Its all water under the bridge and Madison has a showdown with Velvet Sky next.

1.  Madison Rayne vs.  Velvet Sky

–  Christy Hemme does ring-announcing from the crowd tonight, apparently.  Madison attacks before the bell and dropkicks Velvet down.  Velvet drops Madison on her ass and hits a basement dropkick for 2.  Madison up and chokes Velvet in the corner.  Running butt bump in the corner by Madison.  Madison goes for the dropping knee to the face and Velvet shoves her down.  Velvet with a SPEAR!  Velvet with In Yo Face (I feel like a douche typing that) for the win @ 2:57.  (Taz should feel like a bigger douche for saying it about 4 times like a sassy lady.  D+.  Not bad…Madison carries the load as usual.)

–  Christy catches up with Velvet on the outside of the ring.  Velvet is blown up and still is owed a rematch for her Knockouts Title.  She puts all Knockouts on notice.  

–  Backstage, Bully Ray and Bobby Roode get on the same page for tonight.

–  Elsewhere, Dixie Carter and Hulk Hogan chat outside on a bench.  Dixie was happy Hogan came to Impact 2 years ago but Bischoff ruined everything.  Hogan separated himself from all of that and Dixie knows he has changed.  Hogan isn’t sure if he is up to the task.  Dixie begs and Hogan says she is a persuasive person.  Maybe he needs some “oral persuasion”…just saying.  Hogan will think about it.  A guy walks by in the background and even he is tired of this garbage.

–  Onto, Crimson and Matt Morgan.  We get a video history and their match on FREE TV is next.

–  Backstage, Kurt Angle refuses to have a match with Jeff Hardy because he is a crybaby.  And he hates crybabies like his son, Cody.  If Hardy can beat Ken Anderson tonight, he will give him a match at Lockdown.  

–  About to go into the match and we are interrupted by Austin Aries.  He has no competition.  He has a problem with Bully Ray.  He understands that Bully Ray is embarrassed that he lost to James Storm in under 2 minutes.   Aries claims to have balls as big as Ray’s calves.  He wants to be James Storm’s partner to get a piece of Bully Ray.

2.  Matt Morgan vs.  Crimson
–  Match begins with a brawl on the floor.  In the ring, Morgan clotheslines him down.  Crimson boots him low and elbows him in the corner.  Morgan catches him with a boot and clotheslines him to the floor.  They brawl  on the floor and Crimson throws him back in for a 1 count.  Neckbreaker by Crimson and he misses a SPEAR.  Sidewalk slam by Morgan.  He charges and Crimson tosses him to the floor.  They brawl on the floor and we have a double countout @ 3:53.  (Kind of knew that was coming.  Should have held them apart until Lockdown.  D.)

–  Still to come…Hulk Hogan-The Decision.  Jeff Hardy takes on Kn Anderson, next.

–  In the Production Truck, Joesph Park is looking for his brother, Chris.  Nice guy.

–  It’s official, Austin Aries is James Storm’s tag team partner later.  Also, James Storm has some new video debuting tonight.

3.  Mr. Anderson vs.  Jeff Hardy
–  Anderson begins with a headlock and Hardy reverses with a hammerlock.  Shoulderblock takes Anderson down. 
Anderson kicks Hardy down in the corner.  Hardy goes for a delayed dropkick in the corner and Anderson moves oout the way.  Cover gets 2.  Chinlock by Anderson.  Hardy is free and forearms Anderson down.  Hardy leaps in the arms and Anderson with a front slam for 2.  Mic Check attempted, blocked, Twist of Fate, blocked.  They bump heads and Hardy goes to the outside.  Kurt Angle runs down and low blows Hardy.  He throws him back in and Mic Check gives Anderson the win @ 4:26.  (A good match and it involved Anderson.  Short, but decent.  C.)

–  And we rushed this match for the debut of “Longnecks and Rednecks”, James Storm’s theme song.  

–  Still to come THE DECISION.  But up next, Eric Bischoff is headed to the ring to call out his son.  Of course we had to have this bullshit during the show!

–  Elsewhere, EY and ODB meet with a wedding planner.  Instead, we get a bunch of shots of her rack.  ODB ain’t having all this friendly talk and seeing this lady’s chest.  She kicks her out and says they wed inside a steel cage.  Kind of mad with ODB right now…ain’t gonna lie.

–  Eric Bischoff ruins my evening and heads down to the ring.  He made a list of things he wanted to accomplish.  He got rid of Sting.  Dixie Carter, check.  Became wealthier, check.  Now all that is left is to get rid of his son.  Out comes Garret Bischoff.  Eric tells Garret to leave the business or get put in a cage with Gunner.  Garret calls him a jack*bleep*.  He says he isn’t going anywhere.  Garret accepts the match for Lockdown.  

–  We see a James Storm training montage ripped from WWF Monday Night Raw circa March 1996, insert Shawn Michaels.  He practices kickboxing in a tree house in the rain.  Onto….

4.  Bully Ray & Bobby Roode vs.  Austin Aries & James Storm
–  Bell rings and Ray shouts that Aries has a big mouth for a small man.  He tags in Roode instantly.  Aries goes to tag Storm and Roode attacks him from behind.  Aries with a drop toehold on Roode and gets hit with a clothesline.  Roode stomps Aries down in the corner, goes for a back suplex, Aries backflips over, and hits a discus elbow on Roode.  WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!  Back on IW and Aries takes Ray down with a single leg.  Aries lays up in the corner as Ray is embarrassed.  Ray misses a charge and Aries gives him 10 elbows to the head.  Aries charges the corner and meets a BOOT to the face!  Ray with a big splash and continues to talk shit to Aries.  He tags in Roode for more punishment.  Ray comes back in and elbows Aries down.  Aries counters with a top rope missile dropkick.  HOT TAG TO JAMES STORM!  Flying forearm drops Ray.  Roode drops to the floor, so Storm continues to clothesline Ray.  Roode is brought in the hard way and Ray attacks Storm before he can get to Roode.  Roode swigs the beer and spits it in Ray’s face.  Last Call Superkick knocks out Ray and Storm gets the win @ 12:25.  (A fantastic match.  Good ring psychology with Storm not being able to get to Roode.  B+.)

–  Hulk Hogan heads to the ring for THE DECISION, next.

– Back on Impact and Dixie Carter is in the ring and asks Hulk Hogan to head to the ring.  Does he get pyro everywhere he goes?  Dixie wants Hogan to hear the crowd pleading for him.  Hogan says he got caught up in things he didn’t want to.  He says he has already closed the book on this part of his life after Bound For Glory from last year.  Out comes Sting with the TNA Locker Room.  This is a little ridiculous.  What is Devon doing out there?  OH he’s the TV Champion, if you didn’t know.  Sting gets a little pep rally going for Hogan.  He wants an answer.  Hogan wants to know if its a clean slate.  What does this even mean?  Hogan wants to know if Sting will watch his back.  Sting tells him of course he will.  Hogan proclaims himself the new GM of Impact Wrestling.  Everyone hugs Hogan and the crowd chants for Hogan.  Show ends.

–  Tell me exactly how all this drawn out bullshit took two weeks?  Why was Hogan hesitant?  Was there a time when Hogan HASN’T been the GM of Impact Wrestling?  I mean, he was running things from the get go.  Austin Aries…the face turn was gonna happen, but I think it’s too soon.  I see him as the RVD from ECW, bringing prestige to the TV title and staying away from the main event as much as possible.  I guess when the MCMG come back next week, we will sweep Aries under the rug.  Morgan/Crimson seems like a furthered waste.  We know where this is headed, Morgan ends up losing the feud.  It happens all the time with his former partners.  Ask Abyss and Hernandez.  Enough Impact…I’m ready for Wrestlemania!  See you all here for the recap on Sunday!