The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–07.05.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 07.05.12 Live from Orlando, FL Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Taz Bully Ray has a big big big huge announcement to start us out. He’s going LIVE on Twitter. I hope he bullies people on Twitter, too. He’s sick of Joseph Park and thinks he’s a COWARD. This will not stand, so Joseph joins us and Bully accepts the challenge for next week. Park gives us some legal discourse and points out that he already beat Bully Ray, and he’s SICK OF Bully Ray. This is great, as he cuts off Bully’s loudmouth promo by telling him to shut up, and Bully immediately backs off. Because he’s a BULLY. However, Ray has one last twist for the match: A restraining order against Abyss, which bars him from the arena that night. Park is aghast, and Bully lays him out on the way out. Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan retrieves the X title from Austin Aries. Meanwhile, Dixie ducks some questions about the ongoing soap opera. TV title: Devon v. Crimson Crimson attacks before the bell and rolls him up for one, then goes for the pin in the corner for two. He pounds away in the corner and adds a clothesline for two. Devon comes back with a great spear and adds the corner splash, but Crimson cuts him off with a clothesline for two. He uses the tights in exaggerated manner and argues the point, which allows Devon to hit the spinebuster to retain at 2:01. *1/2 And then Madison Rayne comes out and reveals that her secret crush is…Earl Hebner. Earl is apparently into it. Chris Sabin joins us to talk about his latest knee injury. His friends and family are telling him that maybe he should find something to do with his life, and even his doctor doesn’t think that coming back from a second ACL reconstruction is a very good idea. But before he can announce anything, Bobby Roode interrupts, and he’s disgusted with the entire X division. It’s all risk and no reward, and to demonstrate that he KICKS THE LEG OUT OF HIS LEG. Roode is a tremendous asshole here, mocking him until Aries makes the save. That is some great old school pro rasslin’ shit. X Division tournament: Dakota Darsow v. Flip Cassanova These are like random name generators or something. But no, Dakota apparently IS the son of Barry Darsow, so there you go. Darsow attacks and pounds away, but Cassanova takes over with a variety of flips and a standing moonsault for two. Darsow comes back with a dropkick, but Flip hits a springboard dropkick and flips into a headscissors to put Darsow on the floor. He follows with a nutso corkscrew dive. God I wish they’d tone that down. Back in, a flying bodypress is reversed by Darsow, and he gets a legdrop for two. Darsow misses a moonsault and he’s gushing blood from the nose, so you gotta respect that. Flip with a flying bulldog and he goes up again to finish with a badly fucked up 450 shooting star press. Oh man, I hope Darsow doesn’t have broken ribs after that. This was some sloppy indy geek nonsense and I hope they ship both guys back to the bingo hall after that. Flip moreso, he wasn’t just bad, he was DANGEROUS. ½* Madison Rayne & Gail Kim v. Miss Tessmacher & Tara Rayne attacks Tessmacher on the floor and the heels control her in the corner, and Kim gets a clothesline for two. Tessmacher fights back and dodges a bodypress attempt to get two. Over to Tara, and she runs wild on Rayne and gets a suplex and sideslam for two. Gail breaks up the Widow’s Peak, but the heels collide and Tara hits it on the second try. Tessmacher finishes with the final cut at 2:53. This was fine. ** AJ Styles joins us and he doesn’t get why everyone is lying about him. Daniels & Kazarian interrupt with APPLETINIS and accusations of impregnating junkie whores. AJ brings it back to the match with Daniels on the PPV and promises to beat him up real good this Sunday. Meanwhile, a mysterious messenger drops off a note for Hulk Hogan, and it’s ACES AND EIGHTS. We will find out more next week. They would be the masked men who attacked Sting, and they are NOT cowards. X Division tournament: Kenny King v. Lars Only Yeah, I’m thinking Kenny is going over here. King of course was something of a star in ROH, and Only is the indiest indy geek who ever geeked. King gets a C4, but Only takes him down into the ropes and this a kick from the floor for two. He dropkicks King to the floor, but runs into a leg lariat that gets two. Only reverses a suplex into a small package for two, but King tosses him and hits a somersault senton off the apron. Back in, that gets two. King with a Pele Kick for two. King misses a springboard legdrop and Only makes a comeback and puts King on the floor. King evades a dive attempt, but makes the fatal heel error of pointing to his head to indicate intelligence, getting caught with a rana as a result. Back in, Only tries a tornado DDT and then badly messes up a legsweep, and they fight on top. King wins that one and finishes with a TKO type thing that looked wicked at 5:20. Way too long, as from a storyline perspective King should have squashed the shit out of that goof. He still got himself over bigtime here. **1/2 BFG Series: James Storm v. Jeff Hardy They fight for the headlock to start and exchange near-falls, with Hardy trying an early Twist of Fate to send Storm running to the floor to regroup. Storm runs away for a bit and we take a break. Back with Storm working him over in the corner, but Hardy gets a legdrop for two. Storm comes back with clotheslines, but Hardy hits the atomic drop into the legdrop for two. Storm with an inverted DDT for two. Storm charges and Jeff backdrops him to the floor, but slingshots down and lands in a codebreaker. Now THAT’S a unique spot. Back in, the crowd is nuts for Hardy, and Storm hits him with a lariat. Blind charge misses and Hardy mule kicks him in the corner, but misses the swanton. Storm goes up with a flying elbow for two. Storm wants the superkick, but Jeff can’t stand, so Storm stands him up…and Hardy hits the Twist of Fate for the pin and 7 points at 14:00. Ah, very sneaky. They had a shaky start, but as Tim Gunn would say, they worked it out and had a hot series of stuff to end it. ***1/2 Hulk Hogan is out to reveal the location of Bound For Glory, but Bobby Roode interrupts and reiterates that Option C is a failure. Aries comes out, tells Roode off, and lays him out with the X belt before surrendering it to Hogan to end the show. The Pulse: Although the Destination X PPV looks stacked (Roode-Aries, Angle-Joe, Styles-Daniel, X tournament) , Silva-Sonnen is still the only thing getting my money this weekend, because SILVA-SONNEN. Not your fault, TNA, sorry. This was some good old school PPV build, though, and I continue to dig this show, but wish they’d stop bringing in NXT rejects who do 4 flips before every punch.

Michael’s Impact Review

JUNE 14, 2012

–  We are fresh off a great pay per view from Sunday night.  Tonight we are promised an Ultimate X match, the start of the Bound for Glory Series, AND Bobby Roode faces Mr. Anderson for the TNA Heavyweight Championship.
–  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

–  We are kicking it off with….

1.  Zema Ion vs.  Chris Sabin vs.  Austin Aries
–  Sabin and Aries take each other out to begin and Ion scales up the side to go after the belt.  Sabin stops him and snaps off a Tornado DDT.  Now Aries heads up the side and gets cut off by Sabin.  Sabin starts to cross the cable and drops into a Fireman’s Carry by Aries.  He rams him into the corners and AIRPLANE SPIN!  Aries is dizzy.  Ion tries a Tornado DDT and gets backdropped out.  Sabin backdropped on top of him!  Aries with a low dive through the ropes.  Sabin may have hurt his knee.  Aries crosses the cable up top and Ion pulls him down.  He goes for it again and Ion follow him up.  Aries snaps off a top rope huricarana!  Brain Buster on Ion!  Aries retrieves the belt @ 7:19.  (Tough luck for Sabin.  Some fun spots here but not the best Ultimate X I have ever seen.  C.)
–  Aries is on the mic and says he is the best pound-for-pound wrestler around.  He is the Greatest Man to Ever Live!  He is not satisfied as being the X Division Champion.  He wants more.  This brings out Hulk Hogan.  He stares Aries down and we’ll be right back.
–  Hogan says he hears how loud the reaction is for Aries.  But saying he is the main event is a tall order.  Hogan says he has been there.  He says that Aries is the greatest thing he has ever seen in the ring.  Aries tells him that he wants to be the main event.  He makes Aries versus the World Champion at Destination X.  But Aries will have to vacate the X Division title immediately if he agrees.  What kind of shit is this?  Stipulation makes no sense.  He gives Aries one week to make his decision.  
–  We get a tease of some action from Slammiversary.  Later we hear from Sting.  Now we go back to Joseph Park in catering telling people about his win over Bully Ray at Slammiversary.  Everyone leaves when Bully Ray shows up.  He is looking for Abyss and spits in Park’s food.  Fair enough.
2.  Hernandez vs.  Devon
–  SUPER MEX DIVES OVER THE TOP TO START THE MATCH!  He tosses Devon in for a cover of 2.  Devon is picked up and Hernandez elbows him down for 2.  Devon up and shoulderblocks him down.  Another diving shoulderblock and splash drops Hernandez.  He tries another shoulderblock and Hernandez bounces him with his own shoulderblock for 2.  He backflips to the top.  Botched clothesline off the top gets 2.5.  Hernandez runs into a standing chokeslam and Devon wins it @ 3:32.  (Your average back and forth match.  Nothing special.  D+.)
–  We go back to last week with what happened between Dixie Carter and AJ Styles.  Now we see footage from earlier today as AJ tells Dixie they need to tell everyone the truth.  Bad acting fogs my judgement.
–  Its now time for the opening match in the Bound for Glory Series.  A gauntlet match.
3.  Gauntlet Match (20 points awarded to the winner of this match)
–  #1 is AJ Styles.  #2 is Jeff Hardy.  Hardy starts with a headlock and holds onto it well.  AJ escapes and dropkicks him down.  Hardy backdropped to the apron and springs back in with a dropkick.  #3 coming in?  This ain’t no gauntlet.  Its Rob Van Dam.  He spin heel kicks everyone down.  Rolling Monkey flip sends AJ across the ring.  Rolling Thunder on Jeff Hardy and we’ll be right back.  Back on Impact and #4 was Magnus.  He is in the ring.  #5 is Bully Ray and he makes is way in.  NOW we find out its a Royal Rumble style, over-the-top-rope elimination match.  #6 is Kurt Angle and he is OD’ing on German Suplexes!  AJ tries to toss RVD but no dice.  #7 is The Pope!  Thank GOD!  4UP’s for everyone!  Ray tosses Hardy @ 10:06.  From under the ring, it’s ABYSS!!  He eliminates Bully Ray @ 10:36.  We’ll be right back AGAIN!  Back on Impact AGAIN and Robbie E is in the ring as #8.  #9 comes in and it’s Daniels.  AJ attacks him immediately.  Daniels ducks a Pele Kick and knocks Angle out.  Daniels tosses AJ @ 15:45 and Angle @ 16:02.  #10 is Samoa Joe and he is taking everyone out.  He tosses Robbie E @ 17:04.  Joe turns to former partner, Magnus and eliminates him @ 17:56.  Here comes #11 and it is, James Storm.  He tosses Pope @ 18:56.  Codebreaker on Daniels.  Daniels eliminated @19:21.  Down to Storm and Joe.  They trade chops and forearms.  Storm skins the cat and HIS FEET ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE FLOOR!  He’s back in and gets Joe trapped on the apron.  Last Call sends Joe to the floor @ 20:35 and Storm wins the match.  (Great “gauntlet” match.  I thought there were supposed to be 12 guys, unless they counted Abyss.  Either way, very entertaining and a great group of guys for the BFG Series this year.  B.)
–  Storm grabs the mic and says he had a lot to think about since his absence.  His daughter is the reason he is back.  He made a promise to her and that is to become World Heavyweight Champion.  He hopes that Bobby Roode is champion so he can kick his ass.  SAYDL follows.
–  Backstage, Roode says Storm’s return is based on jealousy.  And he has another problem tonight in the form of an Asshole.  Sorry, the immaturity in me just laughs at that statement.  
–  In the locker room, Angle asks AJ what his problem is.  He says Daniels and Kazarian are inside his head.  He tells him to get his shit together.  AJ promises to get it together and focus.  Angle must have cycled back on.  
4.  Madison Rayne vs.  Miss Tessmacher
–  Madison dominates the early going and faceplants Tessmacher for 2.  Tessmacher mounts a comeback and clotheslines her down.  Russian Legsweep into an elbow drop wins it for Tessmacher @ 2:50.  (Glorified squash here and I hate that Madison has to do the honors.  D+.)
–  Backstage, Brooke Hogan tells Gail Kim she is thinking of including her in a 4 corners, #1 contenders match on Open Fight Night next week.  Gail insults her and says she has a rematch coming.  Brooke says she decides when that rematch will happen so Gail can enjoy an extended vacation.
–  We see how Mr. Anderson became #1 contender for tonight.  He says backstage that he remembers getting bashed in the head with a beer bottle.  I really don’t give a damn.  
5.  Mr. Anderson vs.  Bobby Roode
–  Quick pace to start and Anderson clotheslines him down.  Another follow-up clothesline in the corner.  Roode tries to escape and gets suplexed back in for 2.  Roode tosses him out the ring and SPRINGBOARDS to an empty floor.  Anderson throws him into the ringsteps.  And with that, we’ll be right back.  Back on Impact and Anderson is trapped in a chinlock.  He escapes and Roode elbows him down.  Neckbreaker by Roode gets 2.  Anderson gets offense in and goes for the Mic Check.  Reversed by Roode into the Crossface.  Anderson rolls him up for 2.  Rolling Fireman’s Carry by Anderson gets 2.5.  Anderson kneels down and Roode catches him in a Crossface again.  Anderson fights it but finally taps out @ 11:28.  (Match was just not good enough for me.  I try to look at Anderson’s matches unbiased but this just wasn’t any good.  D.)
–  Backstage, AJ tells Dixie they are going to hurt a lot of people but the truth needs to be told.  They embrace, and I brace myself for another letdown on a pay-off.  Just sayin’.
–  Next week is the return of Open Fight Night and Gut Check.  Also, next week Austin Aries must make his decision about the X Division title.  Miss Tessmacher will defend her Knockouts Title.  And AJ and Dixie come clean.  
–  Jeremy Borash is in the ring and introduces Sting to the crowd.  First his tribute video plays for the crowd from Slammiversary.  Sting comes out dressed to compete.  He says that Slammiversary was one of the greatest nights of his career and thanks Dixie Carter.  Suddenly three guys come out dressed in Mortal Kombat masks and attack him in the middle of the ring.  Crowd is chanting for Hogan and I have no idea why.  Show ends.
–  Well that was odd.  Fun way to end the show.  Action was 50/50 this week.  Liked two matches and the other 3 didn’t really blow me away.  Plus, TNA did a good job of informing us what to expect next week.  Its little things like that, that I appreciate.  See you next week.