It’s the show after Million Dollar Mania exploded and Vince died (again) so Teddy Long starts the show by wishing Mack-Man a speedy recovery. But anyway we’re in Houston, Texas and the Draft has happened which means the WHOMP-ASS version of ECW on Sci-Fi is finally here!
San Jose, California and we have a CHAMPIONSHIP CONFRONTATION between Kane and Big Show, as well as CM Punk vs. John Morrison Part VII: First Contact.
We’re still in Miami, Flordia for the ECW on Sci-Fi after Wrestlemania and our NEWWWWW ECW Champion Kane is here to fill in the exposition in case you missed his match because you were away buying merch or blinking. CM Punk shows up with his briefcase to also fill in the gaps but promises he’s not going to cash in on Kane, but if he wanted to he could do it anytime. Chavo interrupts, calling Kane’s win a fluke. Punk calls Chavo a record breaker by having the shortest match in Wrestlemania history. (He may be right there.) Benjamin comes out and says ”do you feel lucky Punk?” generating this well-deserved reaction:
anyway blahblah tag match tonight that isn’t changed into a nine-man match by Shane McMahon.
Kane vs. Elijah Burke
We get this match even before we get told where we are (Biloxi, MS) so we must be getting a loaded (with WM hype) show.
We’re in Cleveland, Ohio and the video editors earn their pay by making last week’s Chernobyl look like a mere Three Mile Island. Tonight it’s Punk vs. Chavo Part VI: The Undiscovered Country.
ECW On Sci-Fi #81 12/25/2007
This is a retrospective episode with highlights of Lashley’s feud with The McMahons, New Breed vs. Originals and Morrison vs. Punk. It ends with with Tazz kicking Joey Styles into a Christmas Tree so this GIF saved you an hour.
I take a look back and see why exactly Jack Swagger’s 2010 run was crap.
If you don’t want to click, the short answer is ”it was supposed to be.”
Edit: Well I finished typing this up, clicked PUBLISH and WordPress asked me to log in and wiped the fucker. I assumed it auto-saved but that’s probably my fault for playing too many video games. No wonder Meltzer used a typewriter for so long. So this will be a brisk recap because this show isn’t exactly The Wire.
We’re in Buffalo, New York with no opening and December To Dismember is THIS SUNDAY NIGHT. Oh. Paul Heyman starts the show putting over the EXTREEEME Elimination Chamber. ”Inside the chamber it’s total anarchy” etc. He introduces the weapons that are going to be used in the Chamber and that takes a lot away from Heyman’s spiel as he gives us a chair, a crowbar (which gets an ironic ”holy shit” chant) and a table. What a weird way to sell a supposedly unique match by filling it with normal weapons. Oh and there’s a barbed wire baseball bat too, which makes the crowd chant ”we want fire” because it’s New York.
We’re in Uniondale New York and we have Hardcore Holly vs. RVD EXTREEEME RULES II and The Hardys teaming up for the first time in years because OH SHIT THERE’S A PPV COMING UP.
We’re in Manchester, England (looks like the 02 Arena but by the time you’ve read this it’ll have changed it’s name again. Probably the Angry Birds Arena by now). Tazz is recovering from knee surgery so Elijah Burke joins Joey Styles on commentary. It’s where he’d end up ten years later and it means he’s not wrestling so good call.
Tonight we have Qualifying Matches for the ”December To Dismemder” PPV that Tazz will be chewing marbles at. And we’re starting right now:
–Boyz 2 Men sing “America the Beautiful” to kick off the show. They receive a Cena-like mixed reaction.
–Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler are in the booth and they are live from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Paul Heyman reminds us Rob Van Dam defeated Big Show in a ladder match to win a title shot whenever he wanted. RVD has chosen December To Dismember but Heyman has the right to choose the type of match so he makes it an EXTREEEME Elimination Chamber match. Ah, so that’s how we ended up with that. Heyman was trying to fuck over RVD but missed and hit the fans instead.
Tonight’s main event is The Big Show & Test vs. Rob Van Dam & Hardcore Holly. It’s Halloween so everything’s in Spooky Vision.
–Steve Austin arrives at the arena and comes across a driver of a Coor’s Light truck. Product placement 101.
–Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler are calling the action and they are live from Albany, New York. This is the last RAW we have to hear called by Cole for a while so I am happy about that. This is the go home show for WrestleMania XV.
We start with a dramatic re-telling of Show vs. RVD from last week but even Martin Scorsese would have his work cut out here. The Gimme Shelter-less package reminds us RVD pinned Show so he’s earned a title shot. Will he get it? Click the link to find out and see some GIFs.
–A video package recaps the tensions building between the Rock and Paul Wight, whose nickname has been changed to “The Big Show” instead of the “The Big Nasty.” We are also reminded that the Undertaker is going after Vince McMahon.
–Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler are in the booth and they are live from San Jose, California.
–WWF Champion The Rock opens the show and he tells Steve Austin that he will prove his status as “The Great One” at WrestleMania. He demands that Vince McMahon come out and prove to him that the Big Show is not working with Austin. McMahon complies and says that “Dwayne” needs a reality check for being ungrateful for all that McMahon has given him. He says that three generations of his family have looked after the Rock’s ancestors and that Paul Wight is not as quick to understand the existing agreement. Wight comes out and demands to know what McMahon is talking about, threatening he and the Rock. McMahon does not kindly to that, leading Wight to manhandle him into a corner to get his point across. McMahon collects himself and books the Rock and Wight to team up to face Mankind and Steve Austin, thereby making this a preview of WrestleMania. The Rock and Wight shake hands to end the segment at McMahon’s behest.
It’s a Double Main Event tonight as we get The Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam plus The Sandman vs. Matt Striker in a Singapore Cane On A Pole Match.
The Cane match is opening the show so you know it’s a big deal. It’s like Wrestlemania X.
Tonight it’s EXTREEEME TITTIES as we get ready for ECW Strip Poker. WWE did a better job of hyping this segment than anything else on the show, they may as well have had Lex Luger drive his Express around the country shouting ”Get ready for tits!” out the window. Because posting screenshots of women in their bikinis gets Scott into trouble with the site hosts, here’s the presenter instead:
”I promise you one of these Divas WILL get naked” Balls Mahoney tells us, right before auditioning for the role of Fagin in a Philly Production of Oliver Twist.
We’re in Arkansa and we have The Sandman & Sabu vs. The Big Show & Matt Striker. Oh.