This has nothing to do with the WWE
Finally, BoD Survivor Series has arrived. Let’s jump right into things as we see a glimpse inside the locker room of the face side of the 5 Tag-Team Traiditional BoD Survivor Series match:
Mar Solo presents each member of the team with their own carafe of “Special Brew” coffee. Solo distributes them with great enthusiasm as he prepares a toast for his team, who are wondering where the cups are but Solo raises his own carafe and starts chugging as the other nine guys look at him in disbelief. After a minute, Solo finishes and slams down the carafe as he proceeds to run out to the ring for the match. The other nine guys look around then Dancin’ Devin Harris & Lil’ James proceed to GIT FUN-KAY. Abeyance & thebraziliankid are on their phones feverishly typing away in the BoD Evening Thread about god knows what. The Drivers arrive as the bus that takes them to the arena broke down and Dr. Facts & Onita100 are just happy to be part of the card.
Now lets head to the other locker room:
Curtis Williams is putting on his tape as theberzerker yells “HUSS” repeatedly. WWF1987 & Bobby are getting ready as they prepare to stop the funk tonight. “Happening” Harry Broadhurst says that no one will get to hear Harry facts 18-27 but that Harry Fact #28 is that he will not get eliminated from this match. Danimal, Harry’s partner, appears to only be talking using insider wrestling terms as he tells Paul Meekin to stop “working the boys.” And finally the RIPSHIT KILLERS walk through the walls as THE YETAAAAY punches off the cinder block that was stuck on AAAARGH THE BARBARIAN’S antler.
Strike Force & Dancin’ Devin Harris & Lil’ James & Abeyance & thebraziliankid & The Drivers & Dr. Facts & Onita100 vs. Curtzerker & Paul Meekin & White Thunder & RIPSHIT KILLERS & Harry Broadhurst & Danimal Crossing & WWF1987 & Bobby
Mar Solo has the 1986 Chrysler Lebaron convertible and tells his teammates to pile up as he proceeds to push them all to the ring. JAVA POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oddly enough, the Drivers, who take the bus to the arena, got driven out to the ring. Match starts with Williams and Harris going at it in the middle of the ring. Harris punches his way out and tags James, who comes off of the top rope with an elbow drop that gets two. James now tags Spicolli Driver as he stays on offense. Williams rakes the eyes and tags Thunder, who takes control of the match. Spicolli Driver tags out to Dr. Facts as he comes in swinging. DDT gets two. Gutbuster gets two. Dr. Facts climbs up top but Thunder ducks a crossbody then tags Meekin. Thunder puts on the figure four then Meekin hits the Earthquake splash for the pin as Dr. Facts & Onita100 have been eliminated. thebraziliankid comes in and dropkicks Meekin from behind. thebraziliankid tags Abeyance as they try to double slam Meekin but that fails. Meekin sends them both down with clubbing forearms then tags Danimal, who drops an elbow on Abeyance. Danimal stays on the attack and tags Broadhurst, who finally makes it in the ring! Harry Fact #29 is that Abeyance got stomped on the head and #30 is that a suplex got him a two count. Harry tags out to Meekin, who toys with Abeyance then taunts the crowd, who comes back with the signature “Shut up Meekin” chant. Meekin sends Abeyance into the corner but misses the Avalanche splash as both men are down. The crowd chants for Abey as Meekin picks himself up but White Thunder runs in and boots Abeyance down. thebraziliankid comes into the ring as the ref tries to maintain order. Meekin grabs Abey as the ref orders the Kid to the corner but Thunder accidentally hits Meekin instead with a high knee smash then Abey comes back with the Zig Zag off of the rebound and covers for the pin as White Thunder & Paul Meekin have been eliminated. OH NO, THE YETAAAAY has come in and knocked Abey down. The YETAAAAY tags his partner as the RIPSHIT KILLERS are destroying Abey in the corner. Abey needs to make the tag as Bobby is in the match choking out Abey with his foot. Bobby sends Abey in the corner but eats boot on a charge then Abey makes the tag to Harris as things are GITTIN’ FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Harris goes after Bobby and beats on him but WWF1987 runs in and now Lil’ James comes in and there is a four-man brawl in the ring. Neither team will stop so the referee ha no choice but to disqualify both teams as WWF1987 & Bobby and Dancin’ Devin Harris & Lil’ James have been eliminated as this is now a 3 on 3 match. Matt Indeed comes in as Mar Solo is highstepping and pumping his fist out on the floor as he still has on his white windbreaker. He’s excited, folks! Indeed hits Danimal with a pair of armdrags then highsteps himself while bouncing around. AAAARGH THE BARBARIAN tags into the match and Indeed ducks a clothesline and takes him out with a dropkick. Solo tags himself in and Strike Force takes out both of the RIPSHIT KILLERS with dropkicks as the crowd is in a frenzy. AAAARGH THE BARBARIAN tags in Broadhurst as Solo is in the match for the other team. Solo catches Broadhurst with a hip toss then parades around the ring pumping his fist. Juvydriver tags and chops down the Happening One. theberzerker tags as the HUSS section erupts. “HUSS” “HUSS” “HUSS.” theberzerker HUSSES and backs Juvy into the corner. Juvy escapes and charges at theberzerker but runs into a boot then Williams tags himself into the match and they put Juvy in the HUSS lock as Juvy taps out almost immediately as The Drivers have been eliminated. It’s 3-2 now as Williams jumps thebraziliankid from behind. On the apron it appears that Mar Solo is crashing as the effects of a carafe’s worth of coffee of caffeine has worn off. Danimal tags and yells “get heat” as he stomps away. Abey tries to rally the crowd behind his partner as Solo is sleeping on the apron. Indeed runs to the back as I have no idea what is happening now. Tag to theberzerker as he HUSSES a lot. Williams tags himself into the match and puts the Kid in a sleeper as two people on the face side are asleep. Indeed is pushing a tray down the ramp and…and…….THAT’S A CARAFE OF SPECIAL BREW!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Indeed tries to wake up Solo then pours him a cup. Solo takes a sip and is immediately awake then chugs the carafe as Danimal tags back into the match. The Kid slides underneath him and ducks a clothesline then comes back with an enziguiri as both men are down. The Kid is up first and rolls away then tags Solo, who is a carafe of fire!!!!! He runs in at full speed and knocks down Danimal then takes him out with a flying forearm and gets the pin as Danimal Crossing & Harry Broadhurst have been eliminated. Harry lets us know that Harry Fact #31 is that he was never pinned. thebererker is in the ring but Solo knocks him outside with a flying forearm. As theberzerker gets up, he notices the HUSS section. They are all yelling “HUSS” as theberzerker looks at them and yells “HUSS” right back. They are all communicating through the powers of HUSS but the referee is counting as Williams is yelling for his partner to get back into the ring but it’s too late as theberzerker got counted out and Curtzerker has been eliminated. THE RIPSHIT KILLERS head into the ring but Strike Force and Abey & Kid take them out with double dropkicks as Abey hits THE YETAAAAY with the Zig Zag and Kid climbs up top for the leg drop and gets the pin as THE RIPSHIT KILLERS have been eliminated and your winners are Strike Force and Abeyance & thebraziliankid.
SURVIVORS: Strike Force, Abeyance & thebraziliankid
In the Administration locker room, GM Bayless prepares his team for their upcoming match against Archie Stackhouse and the Riverdale Covenant. They then head to the ring. As they are inside, Stackhouse comes out with his Covenant that consists of Reggie, Hot Dog, Moose, and Pee Wee. Stackhouse then grabs the mic:
“Let me introduce to you all my Covenant. Here they are: Gosh Hopkins, Garth Holmberg, Rockstar Gary’s #1 Fan, and…………………………Nebb28!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Bayless is beside himself. Those are his Administration cabinet members.
GM Bayless & The Administration vs. Archie Stackhouse & Riverdale Covenant
Nebb starts off the match with Average Joe Everyman. Joe tries to tell his friend to come back to the Administration but Nebb laughs it off and pulls out HIS PET ROCK!!!!! Bayless yells from the apron that the rock is his but Nebb bounces it off of the head of Joe then hits a Downward Spiral for the pin as Average Joe Everyman has been eliminated. And now the other Covenant members not involved in this match carry Joe to the back as White Coat Security heads after them. Nebb tags #1 Fan as he heads over and decks Gary. He tosses Gary into the corner then tags Archie, who smiles then hits the Neck Crank and covers for the pin as Rockstar Gary has been eliminated. And Moose and Pee Wee are back and take Gary away. It’s 5-3 as Archie grabs a jacket and shows it to Bill Ray. It’s a Covenant Jacket with his name on it as they are recruiting Ray! Bayless yells at him not to take it as Ray seems conflicted. Justice Gray sneak attacks Stackhouse from behind now but Stackhouse turns right around and grabs him by the neck. Bayless & Ray now take down Stackhouse from behind but the entire Covenant runs in to save their leader. The Administration manage to escape the ring as Bayless yells at the fabulous timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, to ring the bell. The bell does no get rung as we do not have official word that this match is over now Bayless tells the remaining men to head back to the locker room and as they head up the ramp they run into Reggie and Hot Dog!!!!! The Administration and the GM now take off through the crowd as the entire Covenant chases after them. The ref counts to ten as the only person in the ring is Archie Stackhouse and he has won the match by default since everyone else has been counted out. Stackhouse calmly walks out and heads to the back as this feud appears to be far from over.
SURVIVOR: Archie Stackhouse
After hearing from the Champion side of the match two weeks ago, lets hear from the challengers:
Mikey Mike: “I lost the C-List Title once and I will get it back, DBSM. And when I do it’s staying with me forever and when that happens you can say by to Mark Linn-Baker and Harvey Grant forever!
Andy PG: “Perri, what you did to my friend Stranger was inexcusable. It was chickenshit! Tonight, I will pay tribute to the Stranger by eating a meal similar to his. I had Frankenberry for breakfast, a donair for lunch then a can of soda and the pulled pork pizza from Papa John’s for dinner before kicking Perri’s ass all over the ring.”
Magoonie: “Tonight, Upper Midcard Express, we get our revenge on you then after that we will take the Tag Team Championship Belts right back to the midcard!
Ferrari: (gets off of his cell phone) Sorry but I don’t have time as I have to judge the 4th Annual Poughkeepsie Bird House Festival. Rita Dugan is looking to take home her 4th PBHF #1 Trophy. Is their an assistant around to hand me a Larabar? No, oh, uh, Upper Midcard Express, we comin’ for you!
Kaptain Kiwi: “Hart Killer, I went to New Zealand and trained in conditions that would make any third-world prisoner jealous. Sir Garea was hard on me so I could take on anyone and win anything. And after this, I will win the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship.
Before the match starts, DBSM comes out to the ring with his entourage and is about to introduce the newest member of his posse. Who will it be:
DBSM: “Now, the musician of the posse, the one who will always sing on the drive to the parties and when we use Uber to bring us home, get up on your feet and put your hands together as it’s virtually insanity that you get to see him. Ladies and gentleman, here is…………………………………………………..
Technically, he is Jay Kay, but fuck that and the group too. All the stars are here tonight, folks.
Champions vs. Challengers
DBSM & “Marvelous” Matt Perri w/ Miss Danielle & Hart Killer & Upper Midcard Express vs. Mikey Mike & Andy PG & Kaptain Kiwi & Midcard Mafia
Starting off this match are Magoonie and DBSM, who points at his posse in the front row as we see them. Jamiroquai’s hat is blocking the view of everyone else. DBSM is acting a bit cocky here as he slaps Magoonie on the back. Magoonie slaps him back and drops him with a back elbow smash. DBSM scurries over and tags kbjone, who comes in and stares down Magoonie, who is a house of fire. Magoonie takes him own with a hip toss. Magoonie tags his partner, Ferrari, who comes in and works the arm. Ferrari gives kbjone a backbreaker and that gets two as Petuka runs in for the save. Magoonie runs in but the ref orders him to the back as the UMX are double-teaming Ferrari. Petuka is now the legal man and he puts the boots to Ferrari. He whips him in the corner but Ferrari dodges a charge. Ferrari hits a suplex then kbjone runs but Ferrari takes care of him. Magoonie runs in but Petuka ducks and he accidentally boots his partner down. kbjone grounds Magoonie as Petuka covers and grabs tights for the pin as Steve Ferrari has been eliminated. The UMX are now beating on Magoonie as they hit him with a double suplex as Ferrari is livid. Ferrari appears to leave but stops and goes back in and kicks Magoonie right in the face! The UMX are shocked and the rest of the Challengers are irate as Ferrari heads to the back. Piers tries to go over to him but Ferrari completely ignores him. Uh oh, CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD!!!!! PETUKA BAZOOKA IS ABOUT TO BE LAUNCHED.
And Petuka covers for the pin as Magoonie has been eliminated. The Champions now have a 5-3 advantage. Andy PG is in the ring as Perri also tags into the match. Andy begs Perri to come over but he tags kbjone instead. Andy takes down kbjone then tags Kaptain Kiwi. And Kaptain Kiwi is unleashing some GAREA MADNESS!!!!!!! Two jumping side headlock takeovers and a hiptoss. Petuka runs in and Kiwi backdrops him. Kiwi goes over to kbjone and puts him in an abdominal stretch then takes him over in a cradle and gets the pin as kbjone has been eliminated. DBSM runs in and takes down Kiwi from behind. DBSM hits a back suplex that gets the thumbs up gesture from the guy who played Waldo on”Family Matters.” Perri tags in and boots down Kiwi as Miss Danielle cheers from the outside. Perri whips Kiwi but he leapfrogs him and hits a crossbody as both men are down. Kiwi gets up and somersaults then tags Mikey Mike, who goes right after Perri, who runs over and tags DBSM. The C-List champion and his challenger go at it in the ring trading punches. DBSM gets a knee to the gut and once again signals over to his posse but that allows Mike to roll him up and get the pin as DBSM has been eliminated. It’s 3-3 again in the match as Hart Killer runs in and chop blocks Mike then immediate turns him over for the Sharpshooter but Mike grabs the ropes. Perri tags and kicks Mike then taunts Andy, who is sitting on the apron. Andy runs in and shoves down the referee and goes right after Perri. The ref signals for the DQ as Andy PG has been eliminated. Andy takes Perri outside and is laying into him with right hands as he is fighting for his friend, Stranger in the Alps. Perri then puts Miss Danielle in front of him as Andy stops and Perri heads through the crowd. Andy sidesteps Danielle and chases after Perri as the referee counts to ten as Matt Perri has been eliminated. It is now 2-2 as Petuka is beating on Mike. Hart Killer tags and starts choking out Mike. The ref breaks that up as Petuka and Hart Killer are beating on Mike as Kiwi looks on in anger. Or not as Sir Tony Garea taught him well to master the stonefaced facial expression. Hart Killer now as Mike in the Sharpshooter. Mike tries to reach the ropes but Hart Killer pulls him back in the middle of the ring and after a valiant effort, Mike taps out as Mikey Mike has been eliminated. Its now 2-1 as Petuka yanks Kiwi off of the apron. He rolls him back inside as Hart Killer puts him in the Sharpshooter. Kiwi is in the move but look he is powering out!!!!!!!!!!! His facial expression remains the exact same as he gets out of the move. Petuka tags in and quickly goes after Kiwi. Petuka gets him up and DEAR LORD NOT ANOTHER PETUKA BAZOOKA. But wait, Kiwi floats over and uses a reverse rollup that knocks Hart Killer off of the apron and gets the pin as John Petuka has been eliminated. It is now 1 on 1 as the crowd goes nuts as Kiwi has Hart Killer where he wants him. Kiwi hits Hart Killer with a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGG jumping side headlock takeover. That was so beautiful Sir Tony would think about cracking a smile. Kiwi is now firing away as Hart Killer calls for time but his wish does not get granted. Kiwi goes up top and tries for a crossbody but Hart Killer ducks the move and rolls him up and grabs the ropes and gets the win as Kaptain Kiwi has been eliminated. Oh man. Kiwi rolls right outside and heads up the ramp as we are all getting 1986 Tony Garea flashbacks when he really didnt feel like doing the job. Has the bad luck of Kaptain Kiwi returned? Will he ever be able to beat Hart Killer for his title when they finally meet?
SURVIVOR: Hart Killer
Backstage, an angry Steve Ferrari heads to the parking lot and goes up to the Yaris, but walks right by it and gets into a black sedan. Guess he is traveling in style to his next gig.
Team Ice Cream: Hoss & Primetime Ten & Biscuit & Tommy Hall & Dock Muraco vs. The Good Guys: Beard Money & Joe Dust & Logan Scisco & “Mr. WCW” Chris F-B & Night81
Hoss has pushed out a cooler full of ice cream and plates of lettuce. He yells at his team that if they lose, they will have to eat lettuce. Hall, who according to Wade Michael Meltzer, has been so desperate he was found dumpster diving at Panera Bread, starts off the match with Scisco, his BoD Mania opponent from last year. Scisco starts unloading on Hall, who looks too depressed to even fight back. Scisco charges and hits a flying forearm then goes up top and drops an elbow and gets the pin as Tommy Hall has been eliminated. And Tommy slumps out of the ring as Hoss yells at him to eat his lettuce. EAT YOU’RE SAD LETTUCE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Muraco, wearing his “If You Want Me to Attend You’re Wedding, Don’t Schedule it During the G1 Tournament” T-Shirt comes in and hits Scisco hits 14 chops. He then yells at Chris F-B, saying that the Barbarian never had a *** match. Muraco yells some more but that allows Scisco to fight back. He tags Joe Dust, who drops Muraco with a backbreaker. Beard Money tags and does a ****-star cartwheel as he catches Muraco in a bearhug but Hoss runs in and breaks that up. The crowd boos Hoss as the camera pans to granny as she is upset in the crowd. Beard Money gets up as Muraco tags Biscuit, who boots him right in the face. Biscuit is a grizzled veteran who in fact is so grizzled that everytime he thinks about using an ice pack to relieve his pain, he smashes glass into the ground then grinds his knuckles into the remains and does a 100 pushups instead. Biscuit tags back Muraco, who does not care for sports entertainers like Beard Money. Muraco locks on a cross armbreaker but Money reaches the ropes. Muraco tries to work the leg but Beard Money escapes and tags Mr. WCW, who climbs up and waits for Muraco to get up and when he does he hits a flying shoulder tackle then puts him in a small package and gets the pin as Dock Muraco has been eliminated. It’s 5 on 3 now as Muraco is fuming over the notion that the Barbarian was having ***+ matches in WCW. Mr. WCW looks at him but that allows Hoss to attack him from behind. EAT YOUR -***** LETTUCE, DAMMIT! yells Hoss at Muraco. Hoss then picks up Mr. WCW and hits the pants-shitter (atomic drop) and chokeslams him for the pin as Mr. WCW has been eliminated. Scisco tags in and he leaps off of the top but Hoss catches him and slams him down. Hoss then picks Scisco up and hits another chokeslam for the pin as Logan Scisco has been eliminated. Hoss has made it a 3 on 3 affair. Night81 comes in as Hoss tags PrimeTime Ten so he can have an ice cream break. PrimeTime and Night go back and forth for a while until PrimeTime rakes Night in the eyes. Biscuit tags back in and goes after Night as these two have had quite the battle the past few weeks. Night regains control and hits Biscuit with a spinebuster for a nearfall. Joe Dust tags but Biscuit reverses an Irish whip by Night and sends him into Joe as Biscuit rolls up Joe and get the pin as Joe Dust has been eliminated. Joe rolls outside as he is not happy at all. Biscuit beats on Night then tags PrimeTime, who crashes and burns after a top rope splash. Night gets up then somersaults underneath PrimeTime and makes the tag to Beard Money, who whips his former enemy into the ropes and catches him in a bearhug and gets the pin as PrimeTime Ten has been eliminated. Its a 2 on 2 match now as Beard Money is in with Biscuit. He tags Night, who goes to work on Biscuit. Night gets his Irish whip reversed and Hoss knees Night in the back. Biscuit clotheslines down Night then tags Hoss, who hits a chokeslam and gets the pin as Night81 has been eliminated. Its 2 on 1 now as Beard Money gets into the ring. Biscuit tags in and takes Beard Money down with a knee smash. The Midwestern grappler tries to stretch out Beard Money but gets taken over with a hip toss. Hoss runs in and Beard Money usees his momentum to shove him to the floor. Beard Money then looks outside and see Hoss flip out on the ice cream man because he is selling ice cream bars. Hoss thinks dirty hillbillies are the only ones who eat ice cream on a stick. The ice cream man won’t give Granny her money back as Hoss is yelling at both of them. Beard Money comes out but the Ice Cream Man whacks Beard Money in the face! WAIT A MINUTE, that is not an ice cream man, that is…………………………BIFF KENSINGTON III!!!!!!! BK3 takes off his fake mustache and cap as Hoss rolls inside and just beats the ten count as Beard Money has been eliminated. Hoss rolls outside and laughs with Biff, who calls himself the Ice Cream Man. Biff grabs the mic:
“And here is my first member of Kensington Enterprises, HOSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And guess what, he can get all the ice cream he wants.
Hoss grabs the mic:
” I HAVE AN ICE CREAM MAN NOW SO NO MORE HEALTHFOOD EVER AGAIN!!!! AND I WILL KILL ANYONE WHO TRIES TO MESS WITH BIFF!!!!!
Lets go backstage and see what is happening:
Mar Solo is with his partner, Abeyance and thebraziliankid. He is brewing his victory roast as he runs around high-fiving everyone
The production crew is running away as Archie Stackhouse is coming down the hallway looking for the administration. We see another camera crew that caught up to GM Bayless, Gray and Bill Ray down the road. Ray keeps looking behind him as Bayless’ driver, Trunk Barlow, takes him away to his secret location.
In catering, Andy PG and Matt Perri are fighting as Miss Danielle is screaming. White Coat Security is running in to break things up.
Backstage, Jobber and the Job Mob approach Parallax:
Jobber: Parallax, you ready for the match?
Parallax: (Pissed) I am but you lie to me again and I will curb stomp each and everyone of you. And even if you do not, I will get that title off of your waist. Maybe not today, but starting tomorrow, every day I get out of bed I do so with the full intention of being the champ. Not you, Forum Boy, or that Fuj shithead will stand in my way. (Parallax blows by them as he heads to the ring.
Jobber & Parallax & Job Mob vs. Jef Vinson & Fuj & Adam Curry & Kyle Warne & cabspaintedyellow
Before the match, Zanatude proudly proclaims that GM Bayless has made his Six-Man Tag Championships official. Match starts with Cabs and the illustrious Stuart Chartock in the ring. Cabs gets the best of him. Zanatude tags and Cabs works the arm. He hits a dropkick as Parallax tags into the match. Cabs goes right after him, the man who curbstomped him out of anger a few months ago. Parallax swings and misses and Cabs gets two with a DDT. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Cabs sends Parallax into the corner but eats boot on a charge. Parallax climbs up top and pulls back the arms of Cabs and hits a Super Curbstomp then covers for the pin as cabspaintedyellow has been eliminated. Kyle Warne is in the match as Zanatude tags himself in now. Zanatude tells us all that he is indeed the six-man champion of the BoD. Warne locks up with Zanatude, who grabs the ropes. Big Dirty Murph runs over and decks Warne from behind. Zanatude slides over and covers but that just gets two. Chartock is in the ring now and he tries a slam but Warne floats over and hits a lungblower as both men are down. Warne is up first and makes the tag to Adam Curry! The pride of Buffalo runs in and spears Chartock. Curry runs over and decks Murph and Zanatude off of the apron. He then backdrops Chartock and follows that with a Lionsault then tags Warne as they set up for the powerplex. Warne comes off the top with a superplex and Curry hits the SSP and covers for the pin as Stuart Chartock has been eliminated. Murph runs in and cheapshots Curry then puts the boots to him. Murph whips Curry but misses a clothesline and gets hit with a leg lariat. Curry hits a springboard dropkick then puts Murph in a La Magistral Cradle and gets the pin! Big Dirty Murph has been eliminated. Jobber is in now and he kicks Curry in the face. Jobber picks him up for a slam but Curry turns that into a small package for two. Jobber send Curry into the ropes and Murph with a chair cracks Curry in the head. The ref yells at Murph to leave then Jobber picks up Curry and hits the Razor’s Edge for the pin as Adam Curry has been eliminated. It’s 3 on 3 now as Fuj enters for the first time and goes back and forth with Jobber. A medic is tending to Curry, who brushes him off and heads to the back, presumably to look for Murph. Zanatude tags and comes off the top with an elbow on the head of Fuj. Zanatude tries to go up again but Fuj cuts him off. Zanatude is able to shove Fuj off but gets caught coming off the top with a double axe handle. Fuj then picks up Zanatude and hits a wheelbarrow suplex and rolls through to put Zanatude in the ankle lock! Zanatude is panicking the taps out as Zanatude has been eliminated. Parallax enters and stares down the Fuj. These two are not fans of each other to say the least. Now the action starts as they are swinging wildly. Jobber runs in but Vinson flies across the ring with a flying forearm as the match has completely broken down. Vinson takes himself and Jobber to the floor with a clothesline as they are brawling. In the ring Fuj ducks a clothesline as the ref gets flattened. He is out like a light. The Job Mob run down the aisle and are carrying a table. But wait, Adam Curry is coming down and he flies right after Murph! It’s mayhem in the BoD! Curry is fighting off the Job Mob by himself but is falling prey to the numbers game but out from the stands come Cultstatus. He boots down Chartock then spears Murph through the barricade!!!!!!!! The ref slowly gets up as Zanatude slides the table near the ring apron as Parallax and Fuj are battling. Cult runs in and Parallax has Fuj up for a back suplex through the table but Cult whacks him with a chair in the face and they both crash through the table!!!! The ref gets up and starts counting and gets to ten as both Parallax and the Fuj have been eliminated. Cult is now going over to both guys and slams down the chair as White Coat Security drags him away as he is not medically cleared to be here tonight. Jobber is in the ring now as Vinson is busted open. Jobber picks up Vinson and hits a backbreaker that gets two. Jobber puts Vinson in a Boston Crab now as the champ is in complete control. The medics are coming out to check on both Parallax and the Fuj as this match continues. Jobber places Vinson up top and goes for a Super Death Valley Driver but Vinson counters with a DDT in midair as both men are down! The crowd starts a “holy shit” chant as each man slowly gets up. They start trading punches as they get to their feet. Jobber with a leapfrog but gets caught with a dropkick as Vinson stopped short. Vinson with a rollup that triggers a pinfall reversal sequence as the crowd is into this match. Vinson tries a crossbody but Jobber catches him and falls forward with a slam and that gets two. Jobber pulls up Vinson and signals for the Razor’s Edge. He picks up Vinson for the move but he slipped out. Vinson tries to get Jobber in the TKO but Jobber stops that and they trade reversals for a minute. Vinson gets sent into the corner but Jobber misses a charge and Vinson stuns him with a hook and picks up Jobber and hits the TKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vinson covers 1………………………………….2………………………………………3!!!!!!!!!!!!!! as Jobber has been eliminated. Vinson gets up and looks at the carnage that surrounds him as he is the lone survivor of this match. The camera shows Parallax and Fuj being helped by medics but they see each other and are now brawling in the aisle!!!!!!! Vinson is back in the ring as he is the winner and will get another chance to face Jobber or the Title. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) what was the plan for Bam Bam in 88? He was booked super strong in the main event and then bounced out of the title tournament at WM 4 and just gone
3) how awesome was the women's match at the inaugural event??? Is that the best women's match in WWE history? Or is the 95 elimination match better?
4) don't you miss the epic ten-team tag matches? Those were two fast and phenomenal 45-min matches
The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2014 So my local EBGames has WWE 2K14 used for $20 here lately. I recall it getting rather mixed reaction – is it worth the buy? Because I’m certainly not dropping $70 on the Xbox One version of 2K15. Live and FREE (except for those already subscribed to the Network, or Canadians, or those without broadband access who have to order the PPV) from St. Louis, MO. Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL Vince McMahon is out and guarantees we won’t forget this show. This brings out HHH & Steph, who are in full kiss-ass mode, as well as John Cena. Vince recaps the stakes tonight and Cena wonders if he’ll have to personally throw HHH out of the building later. Stephanie clarifies that even if they lose, they’ll still be running the show from Stamford, but Vince re-clarifies that in fact they will be fired from running the show ever again. And the only person who can bring them back is John Cena. You’d think that would be the kind of exposition that would be on the RAWs leading up to the show. And really, they can’t even commit to firing the Authority? They have to remind us that they’ll still be given cushy office jobs even if they lose? WWE tag team titles: Goldust & Stardust v. Miz & Mizdow v. The Usos v. Los Matadores Great, four teams where I have no way to tell them apart. I hate that. Fernando rolls up Stardust for two, but Miz (or is it Mizdow?) rolls up Fernando for two. Fernando and Miz do a goofy sequence while Cole overexplains the Mizdow gag and thus kills it. JBL notes that Papa Shango cursed Mizdow years ago and that’s why he can perfectly emulate Miz. Jey exchanges chops with Fernando, but Stardust pulls down the top rope and the tag champs work Jey over. You know this whole thing is a big buildup to Mizdow getting a hot tag and the crowd exploding so I bet the crowd is indifferent to everything leading up to it. Miz tags himself in and Diego runs wild on him with a backstabber for two. Miz comes back with a beating in the corner and they do a really clever bit where Miz poses for boos and Mizdow mirrors the pose to cheers, and finally Miz tags him in. And then Goldust tags himself in immediately and the crowd is robbed of Mizdow again. So the Dusts beat on Diego with more boring stuff and Stardust informs us that we don’t want Mizdow, we want him. Good to know. Diego keeps taking a beating while the crowd only cares about Mizdow. Stardust with a sunset flip on Diego for two, but they exchange tombstone attempts and Diego gets a tornado DDT and brings in Jimmy. He runs wild on Goldust and the crowd absolutely does not care. They clear the ring with superkicks but Goldust powerslams an Uso for two. Dogpile on the floor and the Usos hit them dives while JBL cheers like a dork. So everyone is out after the trainwreck and we get the Tower of Doom spot, but Mizdow tags himself in and steals the pin on Goldust for the tag titles at 15:41, finally giving the crowd their payoff. And of course Miz keeps both titles. **1/2 More like a RAW match, but it was the right time to pull the trigger on the Mizdow deal. Steve Austin comes to the WWE Network with his podcast next week. Now that’s an awesome idea. Meanwhile, Adam Rose and the Bunny settle things with action figures. Welcome back to 1995. Slater Gator interrupts the proceedings, and Rose challenges them to a tag match tonight. Paige, Cameron, Summer Rae & Layla v. Natalya, Naomi, Emma & Alicia Fox Paige dumps Nattie and brings in Layla. Emma rolls Layla up for two while the announcers immediately start ignoring the match and making jokes about Doink the Clown in 1994. Paige beats on Emma while JBL starts talking about Alundra Blazye & Aja Kong for some reason. They fight on the top and Emma gets a superplex, but Paige tags out to Cameron. Apparently the Funkadactyls split up at some point when I wasn’t paying attention, which would narrow it down to the past three years. The crowd is so excited that they chant for Mizdow. Naomi comes in with something resembling a crossbody and follows with a stunner for two. Everyone runs in for some reason and we get more embarrassing spots before Naomi rolls up Cameron to eliminate her at 6:27. Over to Summer, who stomps Naomi down for two and shoves all the faces off the apron. The announcers continue reminiscing about stupid Survivor Series teams while this match just keeps going for no reason I can fathom. And then we get Fox teasing a highspot on the heels before backing off and yelling at them for being chicken. JBL clarifies that this is “The old chicken spot.” This match feels like a rib on all of us. Fox pins Layla with a backbreaker at 9:35. Nattie dominates Summer, but gets booted by Paige from the outside. Summer celebrates prematurely and gets knocked off the apron, so Paige throws her back in and Emma finishes her with the Dilemma at 12:05. This leaves Paige alone and friendless, much like watching this match feels like, and she wisely takes a walk, but the faces cut her off. Naomi misses a moonsault but hits the butt-butt for the pin at 14:20 to sweep the heels. * for Tyson Kidd standing at ringside like a douchebag the whole time and then celebrating for the ladies when they win. Otherwise this was a total disaster. Dean Ambrose v. Bray Wyatt Slugfest to start and Ambrose stomps him down in the corner, but they brawl to the floor, where Wyatt takes over. Back in, Ambrose comes back with a corner clothesline and they head to the floor again, giving us the best sign of the night: “HA HA / I LOVE IT / MAGGLE!” Back in, Wyatt with a senton for two while the stream drops to dial-up modem quality off and on. And I’m watching this on the PS3, with a hardwired Ethernet connection, so the problem is not on my end. Back to the floor and they collide with a clothesline out there and then charge back in to beat the count. Ambrose makes the comeback with a bulldog and does his own crabwalk in the corner (“That’s what Bray Wyatt does!” notes Michael Cole) and guillotines Bray for two. They fight over a superplex in the corner, but Wyatt fights him off and hits the uranage for two. Senton misses and Dean gets two, and follows with a crossbody for two. Wyatt cuts off his comeback with a lariat and Ambrose bails to the floor, so Wyatt drops him on the stairs and back in for two. Bray is so distraught that he stops to cut a promo about how they should be ruling the world together, and chairs get involved for some reason. And so Ambrose lays him out for the DQ at 14:03 for the shit RAW finish. Mediocre match with no real finishing sequence or ending. ** Ambrose puts him through a table afterwards, buries him in chairs, and then hauls out a ladder to pose. So this is obviously setting up something at TLC. And in fact they announce later in the show that they’ll have a TLC match next month. And hey, here’s some commercials for Kmart. Meanwhile, HHH gives Team Authority a pep talk. Adam Rose & The Bunny v. Slater Gator Adam Rose immediately runs into a Slater high kick for two as the announcers give up on the match and start making rabbit jokes. Slater Gator double-team Rose in the corner, but he makes the hot tag to the Bunny, who cleans house and hits a missile dropkick for the pin on Slater at 2:34. The entourage leaves with the bunny and abandons Rose, as they’ve been running this storyline for weeks now with no point evident. DUD And now some commercials for knockoff WWE Lego and Larry the Cable Guy. Roman Reigns does a satellite interview. He dislikes Seth Rollins and he’ll be back in a month. Divas title: AJ Lee v. Nikki Bella Brie grabs AJ for a kiss, and Nikki pins her with the Rack Attack at 0:30 to win the title. DUD See ya, AJ, enjoy married life. So I guess the Bellas are reunited. And yet they gave the elimination match FIFTEEN MINUTES?!? John Cena, Big Show, Ryback, Dolph Ziggler & Erick Rowan v. Seth Rollins, Kane, Rusev, Luke Harper & Mark Henry Big Show knocks out Mark Henry at 0:45. Which makes one wonder why he doesn’t just do that all the time. Rollins tries to attack Show and gets chased out of the ring, so Kane comes in and gets dominated by Cena. Next up, the big Harper v. Rowan showdown, but Rollins tags himself in to prevent that. So Ryback overpowers him, and splashes Kane for two. Rusev comes in and walks into a spinebuster and clothesline, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Rollins curbstomps Ryback and Rusev pins him at 8:08 to even it up. Rusev slugs away on Big Show and then tags in Harper, who puts Show down with a dropkick. The heels pound away on Show, but he gets the tag to Ziggler as the announcers discuss the “elation around the world” if the Authority loses. Oh come on now. Ziggler quickly gets beat down and worked over, and it’s VINTAGE KANE with a sideslam for two. Big boot gets two. Apparently the Authority will somehow gain “absolute power” if they win, despite Vince already being established as above them in the fake hierarchy. Dolph fights back on Rusev, but gets slammed for two. Cole notes that Ziggler has “the uncanny knack for being able to hang in there.” Except for all the matches that he loses. Rollins runs Ziggler into the corner and Rusev chinlocks him, until Dolph fights back with a DDT on Rusev for two. And then it suddenly breaks down again with everyone hitting their finishers and a big trainwreck on the floor. Rusev puts Ziggler on the Spanish table, but misses his splash and puts himself through the table for the countout at 21:03. Lame. Back in the ring, Cena runs wild on Kane, but Rollins comes in with a curbstomp and Cole is OUTRAGED. What does he want the ref to do, tackle the guy on the way into the ring? Harper and Rowan renew their rivalry, and Harper finishes him with the lariat at 24:12 with an assist from Rollins. And then Big Show turns on Cena and Rollins pins Cena at 25:00. How many heel turns now for Big Show? And Show walks out at 26:15, leaving Dolph Ziggler by himself. Way to go John, maybe don’t be such a selfish dick. So it’s Ziggler v. Harper, Rollins and Kane and they toy with him, but Ziggler gets the Zig Zag on Kane at 29:33. Ziggler bails and Harper follows with a dive on him. Back in, superkick gets two. Powerbomb gets two. Ziggler grabs a rollup and hooks the tights for the pin at 31:38, and it’s down to Rollins v. Ziggler. Seth beats on him outside, but a small package gets two in the ring. DDT gets for two Ziggler. Rollins powerbombs him into the corner for two, however, and goes up to finish. Flying knee misses and the fameasser gets two. Rollins blocks the Zig Zag, but a second one hits and HHH pulls out the ref. The beatdown is on and Rollins gets another powerbomb, but Ziggler gets another Zig Zag and HHH lays out another ref. So this time he takes matters into his own hands and beats on Ziggler personally with a KICK WHAM PEDIGREE. Scott Armstrong comes out to count, but STING IS FINALLY HERE. And he’s not taking HHH’s shit tonight. HHH takes the deathdrop, Ziggler gets puts on top of Rollins, and the Authority is finally done at 43:14. I wouldn’t say this saved the show, but the drama with Ziggler fighting alone at the end was off the charts, and the one match on a one-match show delivered. **** The Pulse Although the main event exceeded expectations, the rest was a boring mess on a night where they were supposed to winning over new fans. Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.
Kickoff show starts at 7:30pm. Hopefully this show exceeds expectations.
By popular demand!
You recently mentioned that you enjoyed the Survivor Series matches from 87. Is there anything more modern that you may have also enjoyed?
Prepare for internet to blow up imminently… Mike Johnson is reporting that Sting will make his debut at the Survivor Series. Makes sense with the release of the game and the 18 million fantasy Sting matches on YouTube right now under WWE’s channel, but I didn’t think it would ever ACTUALLY happen. So that should be pretty awesome if done right.
How would you utilize Orton at Survivor Series (I'm going to go out on a limb and say that he can probably get the day off from filming "12 More Rounds" or "Oculus II: Oculii" or whatever direct-to-Chinese landfill he's working on now)? Let's say the match comes down to Cena vs. Rollins. Let's say Rusev gets counted out or something (gotta keep him strong before he does the job at Wrestlemania). He cheap-shots Cena before he leaves and that seemingly gives Rollins an easy pin. Orton comes down and everyone thinks he's going to attack Rollins. Instead, he beats on Cena causing Rollins to be DQ'ed and the Authority loses their power. It preserves Rollins (how long has it been since he's been pinned, anyway – was Reigns the last one to do it?) and it doesn't make Orton a sugary babyface since he didn't help Cena. Plus Cena stands tall at the end of the show, and that's how all WWE special events have to end, right?
Or am I overthinking it and it's going to be Cena taking out the entire team himself after his teammates all get beaten up backstage?
Is there a defacto "best" traditional Survivor Series match? The one that always comes to mind is the ten team match from 1987. Has that one been topped from a workrate standpoint? Yes, I realize that Doink, Dink, Wink, and Pink and HBK and his Knights would like to have a word with me.
……or will they just go the boring, predictable route and have Cena be the final guy, over coming the odds….again?
The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 1995 – This is one of those weird shows, in that Vince was completely self-destructing behind the scenes, but the product was great for some reason. Maybe distraction allows him to focus better or something, who knows. (Well RAW was certainly not great at this point, as those who have been following along with the past few months of tapings can testify.) – Live from Washington, DC – Your hosts are Vincent K, Jim Ross, and making his surprise return…Mr. Perfect. (Not gonna lie, I may have pooped my pants watching this on PPV. Although clearly he didn’t give a shit, unlike myself, and didn’t prepare in the least for the show.) By the way, I actually had a few people e-mail and ask me this, so let me clear up a Netcop Joke: Mr. Spiffy is my pet name for Mr. Perfect, because when he joined WCW in 1997 it was obvious he was never going to get over as “Curt Hennig”, so I suggested that they call him the next best thing — Mr. Spiffy. He could then say things like “Now that’s what I call…spiffy!” and have some fun parodying himself by doing skits where he’d be almost, but not quite, perfect at various sports, missing by a few inches each time. (Much like that attempt at a running joke.) Anyway… – Opening match: Marty Jannetty, Hakushi, Barry Horowitz & Bob Holly v. Bodydonna Skip, Rad Radford, Dr. Tom Pritchard & The 1-2-3 Kid. This would be Kid’s debut as a heel, one week after guest-reffing a match between Ramon and Sid, and turning on him. Rad Radford (the late Louie Spicoli) is a “Bodydonna in training” at this point, although ironically it would be PRITCHARD who would shortly be repackaged as “Zip”, Skip’s partner. (Not really ironic. That’s more in the realm of happenstance. And man, Rad Radford, the most 90s gimmick of all and career-killing levels of bad.) Jannetty cleans house to start, and he looks thoroughly baked so tags out quickly. (Allegedly.) Rad gets the better of Hakushi, who then gets beat on in the heel corner. Crowd starts chanting for Barry Horowitz, which is pretty surreal. I still wonder why Vince didn’t just PUSH the guy if he was so over. It’s not rocket science, I mean it’s not like there’s some genetic code that says a guy has to be a jobber his entire career. (So much wrong with the Horowitz deal, from the non-push after he started to get over, to repackaging him immediately as a Larger Than Life WWF Superstar Character™ who was a nerdy Jewish stereotype.) Holly gets a quick pin on the Doctor with a flying bodypress, and Skip rolls *him* up right after to send him packing. Hakushi and the Kid do a great little sequence, and Radford pins Hakushi after Kid kicks him in the head. Horowitz and the Kid go next, with Barry taking a beating. Radford continues it, but keeps picking him up. And what happens when a heel keeps picking up a jobber, kids? That’s right — he gets pinned while showboating, and this is no exception. Sunny yells at him, pretty much disqualifying him from the Bodydonna Sweepstakes. Skip & Barry have their showdown, but Kid pins Barry after a snap legdrop, leaving Jannetty 2-on-1. He does a cool sequence with Skip, pinning him after a top rope powerbomb! That was pretty unheard of at that time in the WWF. Kid comes in and mops up with Jannetty, pinning him after an assist from Sid at 18:36. Minus a bit for the bad ending, but otherwise this was the shiznit, if you will. ***3/4 Survivor: 1-2-3 Kid. (This was setting up Sid & Kid as a tag team, but that wound up not happening for various reasons.) – Bertha Faye, Aja Kong, Tomoko Watanabe & Lioness Asuka v. Alundra Blayze, Sakie Hasegawa, Kyoko Inoue & Chapparita Asari. I had to get the names from the PWI Almanac because they had fucking Dok Hendrix shilling the crappy Survivor Series Commemorative T-shirt during the ring introductions. (Now I use The History of WWE site! http://www.thehistoryofwwe.com ) At least it’s not that Barry guy. And this would be a total spotfest as the women are basically given 10 minutes to wow the crowd. So Asari goes and pulls out the first ever Sky Twister Press on PPV, which is called “Whatamaneuver” by Vince, then called properly by JR. Blayze pins Asuka with the german suplex soon after. Hasegawa hits a chain of 5 double-underhook suplexes while we’re watching the replay of the Sky Twister Press. See, Vince had absolutely no idea how to deal with any match that exceeded the North American pace, which is why it took so long for him to grasp the whole cruiserweight concept. (It took him a lot of time to grasp a lot of concepts.) Aja Kong comes in and kick’s Hasegawa’s ass. Kong can best be described as the female Vader, I guess. (Did she get beat up by the female Paul Orndorff, I wonder?) The only woman I ever really followed in Japan was Akira Hokuto, so I’m pretty much at JR’s mercy for the backstory on these chicks. (It’s true, my sojourns into joshi tape trading were woefully underdeveloped. If I had money to blow on Japan I usually binged on Michinoku Pro or New Japan Super Juniors stuff instead. Now you can get all that stuff on one DVD for like $1 on Rudoreels or other sites like that. Takes all the challenge out of it. Jesus, if I had the resources I have now back when I had nothing but free time and disposable income, I probably would have done nothing but wrestling reviews 24 hours a day. These days I literally have a 10-DVD set of Mid-South, 8 or 9 DVDs of recent New Japan, the WWE Network, and access to whatever I want on YouTube, and my free time is occupied by taking my 4-year old to see Big Hero 6. TOTALLY WORTH IT.) Aja nails a NASTY backdrop suplex, dropping Hasegawa right on her head, to get the pin. Asari comes in and tries a cross-body, bouncing right off Aja, then gets splashed and pinned. Inoue comes in and does a little more damage, but tries a sunset flip and gets sat on for the pin. That leaves Alundra 3-on-1. Blayze dominates Watanabe and pins her after a piledriver. Faye & Kong have a heel miscommunication moment and Bertha gets suplexed and pinned by Alundra. So it’s Kong v. Blayze. Alundra hits a missile dropkick and a standing moonsault, but Aja shoves her off the top rope and pins her after a spinning backhand at 10:00. Pretty damn good, given the circumstances. *** Survivor: Aja Kong. This was supposed to start Blayze’s next big program, but she went and dumped the Women’s title in a trash can on Nitro, the night after this if I’m not mistaken. (About a month later.) – And since we’re in Washington, we get a visit from the fake Clinton for some hijinks. (God, they were using him on RAW leading up to this, and it was just so pathetic.) – Bam Bam Bigelow v. Goldust. (Poor Bam Bam was just so clearly beaten down by the Clique at this point and desperately wanted out.) Goldust’s entrance takes FOREVER. At this point he was just weird, rather than sexually deviant. Goldust s..l..o..w..l..y wears down the Bammer, then pins him with a bulldog at 8:18. Oh my god, that sucked. 1/4* Honest to god, I had nothing interesting to write between the introductions and the pinfall, it was that boring. – The Undertaker, Henry Godwinn, Fatu & Savio Vega v. King Mabel, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Isaac Yankem & Jerry Lawler. The story here is that, during the crack-induced period (…allegedly…) when Vince hired Bill Watts to book, Mabel did a big fat legdrop on UT’s face and broke it, necessitating a goofy purple mask that looks like something Kyle Rayner would be wearing today. (I have since come around on Kyle and he’s pretty much one of my favorites now as the White Lantern. Geoff Johns really did an awesome job rehabilitating him with the Ion/Parallax stuff a few years back.) Needless to say, Taker is PISSED, and is thus more over than ever. Most of the match (11 minutes to be exact) is meaningless filler, as the teams go through the motions of a match and the faces deliberately don’t tag UT in, saving him up for the big finish. Perfect, by the way, tells McMahon that Helmsley prefers to be called “Triple H”, although that name didn’t catch on until two years after this. Undertaker finally gets the hot tag, and obliterates the heel team. (This was pretty awesome.) Lawler tries to run away, but none of the team will tag him, and the result is a tombstone, to a HUGE pop. Goodbye. Yankem comes in next, tombstone, goodbye. Of course, it would take THREE tombstones for UT to do the same thing when Wrestlemania XIV rolled around. HHH tries, gets chokeslammed from the ring apron into the ring, see ya. Mabel gets the brief advantage but UT sits up, and that’s all Mabel needs to see, deciding to take the smart route and run away to fight another day. Taker’s team gets the win at 14:23, with the entire team surviving. 1/2* (That rating belies the tremendous entertainment value in seeing Undertaker finally cutting loose and destroying the group of heels like a force of nature.) – Wild Card match: Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, The British Bulldog & Sid v. Yokozuna, Owen Hart, Razor Ramon & Dean Douglas. If you’re thinking this team looks weird, you’re right. It was set up by Gorilla Monsoon to stir things up. We get the one-and-only Shawn v. Shane match pretty early in, and it’s pretty good. Ahmed comes in and kicks ass, but tries to slam Yoko, which is immensely not smart. He gets beat on for a bit, then tags in Shawn, who pins Douglas on a rollup. Owen & Bulldog go next, then Shawn & Razor. JR wonders if they can have a match not involving a ladder. Razor gets the Edge, but Ahmed makes the save. Crowd is torn on who to cheer for. Sid comes in and stinks up the joint. He calls for Shawn’s help on a double-team superkick, but Ramon ducks and Sid takes it. Shawn gives a hilarious “Oh, well…” shrug, and Ramon pins Sid. (THAT was the World champion personality that Shawn should have had, not whatever bullshit they saddled him with to “fix” him.) Sid powerbombs Shawn for being a smart-ass, and I can’t say as I blame him. Razor gets two from it. Shawn then gets pummeled by Yokozuna, including that VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM. Ahmed gets the hot tag and pins Owen quickly with the tiger bomb. (I was deliberately calling it that to troll guys like Scherer on RSPW, by the way.) Ramon cleans house but takes a spinebuster from Ahmed. Ahmed poses on the second rope, and Ramon comes from behind and Edge’s him off. Sid & Kid wander to ringside and distract Ramon, and he walks into a Bulldog powerslam as a result and gets pinned. So Yoko is 3-on-1. He does well against Shawn, but misses the FAT-ASSED BUTTDROP OF DEATH and Ahmed gets the hot tag. Bodyslam! Davey Boy comes in to break up the pin, because he’s a bad person and all. So Shawn superkicks Yoko and then ties up the Bulldog, allowing Ahmed to get the pin unfettered at 27:23. And now of course the Bulldog wants to celebrate with his teammates. Match wasn’t terrible. **1/4 Survivors: Michaels, Johnson, Bulldog. – WWF World title match: Diesel v. Bret Hart. Hart v. Michaels was already pencilled in for WM12, so it’s not like the result here was a secret of national security or anything. (Guys in the locker room were openly talking about Bret’s title defense schedule and such weeks before the match, according to the Observers at the time, and Diesel himself was basically phased out of the top position on the main shows, and in fact barely appeared at all outside of being Shawn’s buddy. Clearly the writing was on the wall for Nash.) Diesel and Bret both pull off turnbuckle pads to reinforce that it’s no-DQ. Diesel pounds Bret in the corner, so Bret bails. They fight outside for a bit as Bret uncharacteristically runs like a chicken. Back in the ring for a slugfest, which Bret loses. He bails again, so Diesel rams him backfirst into the post. He grabs a chair and nails him for good measure. Back in the ring and he goes for the powerbomb early, but Bret blocks it and comes back. Lots of cheap stuff from Bret, then he starts working on the knees of the champ. Figure-four wears him down further, then Bret grabs a cable in an amazingly dickish move and hogties Diesel’s ankles around the post. He takes the chair and demolishes his knee with it, actually drawing boos. Diesel finally looses himself and slams Bret off the top rope, then chokes him out with the cable. Side slam gets a two count. Nash is doing an amazing job of selling the injury at this point, the best I’ve ever seen him do. He manages Snake Eyes, but Bret reverses a second attempt and comes back. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Bret sends Diesel to the floor, but the pescado misses. Bret crawls onto the apron, and it’s HISTORY TIME! The biggest running gag in WWF’s history begins here, as Diesel shoves Bret off the apron, right through the Spanish announce table. (VINTAGE ANNOUNCE TABLE!) Bret is acting like he’s on his deathbed. Diesel tosses him back in for the kill, but when he goes for the powerbomb Bret simply collapses. The ref wants to stop the match, but Diesel shoves him aside and tries it again…and Bret small packages him out of nowhere for the pin and the title at 24:50. Diesel clearly mouths a very naughty phrase at the camera which rhymes with “Another trucking skit”, then powerbombs Bret twice and takes out a bunch of refs, yelling “I’M BACK!” at the camera. He started pissing off the Undertaker soon after, and got jobbed out, leading to him joining WCW in 1996. Wonder whatever happened to him? This would be Nash’s second-best match ever, only eclipsed by the one he had with Michaels in 1996. ****1/4 The Bottom Line: Can’t lose here. Even if the offices of the WWF were going to hell, the workers were shining, especially the rising Shawn Michaels, the resurgent Bret Hart, and the newly motivated Diesel. Recommended show. (It was good but actually a bit disappointing based on how good you would have expected a couple of matches to be, like the Goldust-Bigelow and wild card matches. Still an easy thumbs up, but one that could have been an all-timer with better depth in the midcard.)
The SmarK Rant for WWF Survivor Series 1994 Live from San Antonio, TX Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Gorilla Monsoon The Teamsters (Diesel, Shawn Michaels, Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart & Jeff Jarrett) v. The Bad Guys (Razor Ramon, 1-2-3 Kid, British Bulldog, Fatu & Sionne) Well, the Teamsters ARE known for their laziness and greed, so it would fit that Nash would be captaining this team. Interesting that only the team captains get entrance music this year. The storyline was more that Shawn and Diesel were having a domestic squabble as tag champions than any real issue between Ramon and Diesel. Kind of weird what a non-issue Ramon was even though he was IC champion for another three months after this. Owen starts with the Kid while Fatu is forced into wearing boots by THE MAN, and this is apparently an issue for him. Kid fights off both Harts but runs into an Anvil elbow in a weird spot, allowing the heels to take over. Kid spinkicks JJ out of the ring (giving us our first “right in the mush” of the evening) and Barbarian comes in with a press slam. Jarrett comes back with a flying clothesline for two. Next up, it’s Owen v. Bulldog and they do the cool wristlock sequence, leading to Owen getting pummelled in the face corner and slammed. Bulldog with a sunset flip for two, but Owen lays him out with the enzuigiri and the New Foundation tries some double-teaming. That backfires because Neidhart is useless, and Fatu comes in but has trouble with his footwear. What a stupid storyline that was. And really, wasn’t there ANY other Samoans available to replace Samu? They just had to give Barbarian another payday? Just use Fatu’s brother! Jarrett grabs a headlock on Ramon and quickly gets tossed for his troubles, and back in he gets double-teamed by Ramon & Kid. Razor tosses the Kid at him for a bodypress that gets two, but Jarrett comes back with an abdominal stretch to slow things down. Kid reverses, so Jarrett hiptosses him over the top rope in a cool spot missed by the camera. Back in with Fatu, who still can’t get his shit together, and Owen gets a leg lariat for two. Fatu comes back, finally acting like a human being months into his babyface run, but Diesel comes in and finishes him with the powerbomb at 13:30. Kid tries next and flies in with a sunset flip off the top, but Diesel casually shrugs him off and another Poochiebomb ends the night at 14:14. Sionne in next and he slugs away, but he walks into ANOTHER powerbomb at 14:45. Bulldog comes in and gets booted to the floor and apparently gets counted out at 16:00. Razor tries a cradle on Diesel for two and the flying bulldog for two, but Diesel puts him down with a clothesline and now Shawn finally wants into the match. He had a legit broken hand at the time, which explains his not factoring into the match thus far. Razor keeps fighting against Diesel and manages to slam him, but can’t get the Razor’s Edge. Diesel finally gets the powerbomb and Shawn tags himself in for the big finish, but then demands that Diesel hold Ramon steady for the fateful superkick. And of course Ramon moves and Diesel eats it. And now he’s had ENOUGH and turns babyface, fighting off his own team members and chasing Shawn back to the dressing room, giving Ramon the countout win over all five heels at 21:26. Survivor: Razor Ramon. Good action before the rapid-fire eliminations and storyline kicked in and killed the match dead, but man what a stupid finish. And really none of the match went anywhere. **1/4 Meanwhile, Shawn leaves the arena, dumps Diesel, and tosses the tag team titles on the ground on the way out. Hopefully he’ll have better luck with his next bodyguard! MIDGET MADNESS: The Royal Family (Jerry Lawler, Cheezy, Queezy & Sleazy) v. Clowns R Us (Doink, Dink, Wink, Pink) No midgets mixing with normals allowed in this match, which is how it should be. Doink quickly gets a clownzuigiri on Lawler, but Lawler’s attempt fails. And we get some midget comedy with everyone running over him on the mat. Doink with some slams and the clown midgets all try to pin Lawler with no luck. Lawler actually sells getting a Burger King crown put on his head and we get an attempt at a chicken fight that goes badly. Finally Lawler uses his old standby, the phantom object, to take over. Really, that’s a heel tactic that no one does anymore and it’s ridiculously easy heat. Pantomime a foreign object in your hand, get a cheapshot with it, hide the “object” in your tights. Doink makes a quick comeback, but a bodypress is rolled through by Lawler for the pin at 10:45. So basically Lawler is eliminated as well. The clown midgets double-team Cheezy in the corner, but Wink gets caught in the heel side and Lawler holds him down for a pin at 13:32. Pink comes in and Lawler drops Cheezy onto him for the pin at 14:33. So Dink is alone and he holds his own and gets a flying bodypress for two on Sleazy, but they roll him over for the pin at 16:00 to finish this off. Survivors: Jerry Lawler and his pet midgets. Jerry Lawler is so proud of himself that he fires his own midgets, resulting in a 6-on-1 midget revolt against him. Never trust a midget! This was as horrible as you could imagine. WWF title, submission match: Bret Hart v. Mr. Bob Backlund Bob runs away a few times to start, but Bret grabs a headlock and goes to work on the neck. Going back and reading the Observers from this time and it’s hilarious how much Meltzer hated Backlund at the time. I mean, he just buried the guy every chance he got. He summed up Backlund even getting to his point as “a cute idea gone haywire” and noted that they were trying to appeal to completely the wrong audience with it. So Bret works on a headlock while we get a shot of Bret’s she-devil wife Julie, and Bret reverses a crossface attempt into a suplex. Back to the headlock, but Bret misses the middle rope elbow and Bob takes over. Bret goes after Owen and nearly gets crossfaced, but fights it off and Bob goes to work on the arm. This gives me the chance to think about the changes in wrestling over the years and how long people stick around. Bob’s original reign ended in 1983 and this was 1994, 11 years after that. Those were like two different worlds and Backlund was some sort of bizarre time-traveller from the past when he did this comeback run. But think about today’s business, and how many guys from 11 years ago are still around and still in the same position. Rock was already winding his career down in 2003 and he just came back and won the WWE title again last year! Hell, the last time I did a review of this show was 15 years ago! No wonder the business is so stale. Anyway, Bret goes to a figure-four now, but Owen walks away from his towel just in case he’s tempted to use it. Backlund reverses the hold and then gets to the ropes to force a break, so Bret goes back to the leg again. They slug it out and Bob gets a piledriver, but can’t get the crossface. Bret comes back with his own piledriver and a bulldog and it’s the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, but Bulldog chases Owen around during the Sharpshooter, allowing Owen to sneak in and break the hold. Bulldog stupidly charges on the floor and hits the stairs, knocking himself unconscious and thus removing the possibility of throwing in the towel. Bob finally gets his crossface and the crowd is freaking out, although Davey Boy may be legally dead at this point and no one seems to care. So Bret is in the hold for NINE MINUTES, which gives me time to go make popcorn and feed my cat, while Owen has a babyface turn at ringside and tearfully talks Stu and Helen into throwing in the towel on Davey’s behalf. Meanwhile, Davey still hasn’t moved and probably has a fractured skull or something. Finally, Helen caves into Owen’s tears and throws in the towel, giving Backlund the WWF title again at 35:20. Backlund of course wouldn’t even make it to the next episode of Monday Night RAW with the belt. The final 10 minutes were some cool mindgames on Owen’s part, but there was just too much nothing leading up to it. AND WHAT ABOUT BULLDOG?! **1/2 The Million Dollar Team (Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy & The Heavenly Bodies) v. Guts & Glory (Lex Luger, Adam Bomb, Mabel & The Smoking Gunns) Tatanka throws chops on Luger to start and gets a suplex, but Lex no-sells all of it and comes back with clotheslines. Mabel tosses Dr. Tom around and flattens him with a bodypress at 4:08. Del Ray comes in and walks into the Bossman slam, so we get the Bundy v. Mabel showdown. That goes nowhere and it’ Mabel v. Bam Bam, and Mabel “hits” a leg lariat that misses by 2 feet and goes up. Bigelow slams him off in an impressive spot and goes up with a sunset flip, but Mabel sits on him and they both go tumbling to the floor for countout of Mabel at 7:30. Del Ray superkicks Billy Gunn for two, but a backslide gets two. Adam Bomb comes in and hits the slingshot clothesline on Bigelow, but Bundy gets a cheapshot and the Lunasault finishes at 9:19. Del Ray works Luger over, but walks into the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM and gets pinned at 11:10. The Gunns double-team Tatanka, but he knocks off Bart with the Papoose To Go at 15:00. Luger and Billy work Tatanka over, but Bundy comes in and drops an elbow on Billy to finish him at 17:40. So Luger is alone 3-on-1, the world’s greatest choke artist against the most useless heel stable ever. The heels work Luger over forever, but Luger cradles Tatanka for the pin at 23:32 before Bundy splashes and pins him at 23:40. Survivors: Bam Bam Bigelow & King Kong Bundy. Pretty dull stuff. **1/2 Meanwhile, Mr. Bob Backlund FEELS LIKE GOD. Casket Match: Undertaker v. Yokozuna Your special referee is Chuck Norris, long before he became an internet meme. Taker chases Yoko around the ring and goes old school, but walks into the samoan drop. Yoko tries for the casket, but Taker necksnaps him to escape. Yoko comes back with a legdrop and they fight into the casket, but that goes nowhere. Yoko tosses him and takes over with some choking, but Taker goes up with the flying clothesline and that seems to be it for Yoko. The heels start coming out to re-enact Royal Rumble 94, but they didn’t count on CHUCK NORRIS being there this time. This still gives IRS time to run in and put Taker in a sleeper and into the casket, but Undertaker arises and he’s pissed. Clothesline and big boot puts Yoko in the casket, and Taker slams the lid shut at 15:24 to avenge himself. It was what it was. * The Pulse I know this tends to be a polarizing show to say the least. I just found it really, really dull tonight and had no real connection to any of the elimination tag matches. Your overall enjoyment will probably depend on what you get out of the Bret v. Backlund title match, so for me it’s a thumbs in the middle show.