Super Serious Topic

Dear Mister Netcop Sir

I know such SUPER SERIOUS topics as bob cat and Announcer 3-ways(GO COLE!!!) have been covered this week but there's an even bigger SUPER SERIOUS topic you haven't covered. The imminent return of the greatest Diva to ever grace the ring: Eva Marie. 

Ah fuck I can't even. Could you please go on vacation so something horrific can happen for us to talk about? I mean besides being subjected to Eva Fucking Marie?

Hugs, 
The entity that posts as Darklight.

​My Sporting News mailbags are gonna be pretty dull compared to this week.  ​

MeekinOnMoviesOnGames On…..Guacamelee: Super Turbo Championship Edition

Game: Guacamelee: Super Turbo Championship Edition
Platform: XBox One, PS4, X360 and WiiU – Currently FREE on Xbox One with Xbox Live Gold
Did I pay for it: No.

“Wrestling is ballet with violence.”  – Jesse Ventura
If the United States of America is the world’s melting pot, Canada is its creativity blender. Between Barenaked Ladies, Rush, Alanis Morrisette, Jim Carey, William
Shatner,  Chris Jericho, and Bret Hart, it seems
whatever they put in the water up there results in creative people doing
familiar things in a special way. No one really sounds like Barenaked Ladies or Rush, there aren’t actors
who do it quite the same way as Shatner or Jim Carey, and lets face it –
if a pro wrestler comes out of Canada you expect something unique.

So, of course leave it to Canadian developers DrinkBox Studios to
bestow upon the world Guacamelee: Super Turbo Championship Edition, which blends together the best of Super Metroid and Double Dragon with authentic Mexican flair and Lucha Libre goodness, and feels completely fresh at the same time.

Largely played for laughs, Guacamelee’s story feels sort of like a kid-friendly, Mexican-infused version of ‘The Crow’, with a bit of Disney Flair. You are Juan, a shy farmer, who through a series of circumstances is killed, has his love interest  kidnapped, and is resurrected as a Luchadore superhero known as Guacamelee. It’s up to you to stop the man responsible, Carlos, rid the world of evil, and save your girlfriend via the awesome power of professional wrestling and your ability to leap between the world of the living and the world of the dead.  
The plot isn’t the main draw, but NPCs spout dialog that ranges from silly to informative to even a little risque in that “for all ages” kind of way that will keep adults entertained and kids in the dark about the second meaning of a given entendre.You run into zany folks who make Goat puns, a vixen who seems to puncuiate every pun with a swing of her hips and a bat of an eyelash, a man who needs you to find and secure all his chickens, and so on. If you’re a fan of zany with a side of ribald, you may enjoy the game’s story more than you’d expect.
 

Of course it’s easy to like everything about this game considering the wonderful first impression it makes. Guacamelee is bright and colorful, where the Latin influence is omnipresent in the design of the towns, characters, buildings, culture, and music. Especially the music, which is consistently enthusiastic and never dull. 

The entirety of the A/V presentation has a vibe that feels like a Carlos Santana song brought to life. The soundtrack making the experience a carnival that’s gone off the rails, and the visuals treating your eyeballs to colors to vibrant you’ll never look at somber indie games like Braid, or ‘realistic’ first person shooters the same way again.

The animation is precise and crisp, looking a lot like a late 90s cartoon, especially Disney’s Hercules and
The Emperor’s New Groove, where movements are lightning fast, faces are
exaggerated, and literally anything was possible if it resulted in a
good laugh. It also seems to be borrowing a page out of Family Guy’s handbook in that it’ll often skip a frame or two of animation during a punch, kick, throw, or emote to give the action a real impact.

Speaking of impact, unlike *real* pro wrestlers, Guacamelee is actually hitting people,  and combat is a real treat; combining traditional combo-mechanics with
wrestling style grapples and the ability to throw enemies into each
other. X serves as your punch button, Y provides your grapple, and B is
your special ability which varies depending on what your current
situation is. Combining these three buttons results in suplexes, tosses,
power bombs, and other assorted throws. There’s nothing like heading
into a room full of bad guys, getting a hold of one, stunning them,
grappling them, then chucking them at the bad guys just waiting for
their turn to tussle.

To have success at combat,
you’ll need to be aware of when to dodge enemies attacks, how to damage
them enough to grapple, and have the presence of mind to jump between
the light and dark worlds at the right time, as some enemies will be
bathed in shadow and impossible to hit unless you jump into a portal
that brings them into the light. It’s a real
blast, as dealing good combos isn’t too hard, but dealing a great one is
wonderfully rewarding and something you’ll strive to achieve every
time. When you toss in the wrestling-related grapples and details, it’s a
whole lot of fun, and you’ll cackle with glee every time you pull off some combination of moves and attacks that leaves your enemies dead quicker than you thought possible.

But you’ll stop laughing as you ascend the turnbuckle that is Guacamelee’s escalating difficulty. The game starts you off easy, as you learn basic combos and moves like a fire punch and combat roll that lets you get through thorny vines and dodge enemy attacks, but once you best the game’s first boss, prepare for a game that challenges your platforming strategy in the best kind of frustrating way. It’s not uncommon for a given puzzle to involve jumping from one pillar
to another, dropping down in a specific way to hit a special switch that
alternates what platforms are visible, then while free-falling, using
your dragon-punch-uppercut-thingy to make it onto the next ledge.
Thankfully, the game is forgiving in this regard, and you’ll rarely need
to re-do old areas to reach the one you screwed up on.

Aside from the punishing platforming, the over-all design of the game has its heart in Zelda II or Castlevania: Symphony of The Night. Guacamelee combines 2D action with RPG elements, NPC villages, ability upgrades, and interconnected paths. Progressing through the game unlocks special uppercuts, headbutts, wrestling moves, and other assorted abilities that help you sleigh your enemies, but also allow you explore more of the world.

It’s not unlike how in Super Mario World you’d stomp on that big yellow “!” block, and suddenly all the levels you previously visited had new and interesting paths to explore. Here, unlocking a headbutt means you can get past specific boulders, and a wall jump allows you to scale narrow walls without the need for platforms. You’ll do a lot of this path opening after beating a boss, and it’s a great feeling to return to town, smashing and breaking all the road blocks that were once in your way in order to secure all kinds of sweet loot that includes health upgrades, ability upgrades, and silver you can use to purchase new outfits with special bonuses.

If you have fond memories of Double Dragon, or Metroid, or Zelda II, or Castlevania, or Ultimate Muscle for some reason, Guacamelee is the ultimate homage to what made those games special, with a few direct references for garnish. Playing through this game is exciting, fun, frustrating, and most importantly, exciting. It’s a real roller coaster of fighting, platforming, exploration, and Mariachi. While we’ve seen countless 2D games with RPG and open world elements, very few are this stark and this confident and this pleasant to behold.

I blame Canada.

—— The “Super Turbo Championship Edition” of this game features a longer storyline, new enemies, and is clearly the best version of the game to get.——-

The Caliber Winfield Super Terrific Happy Hour – April 18th, 2013

Today we discuss what needs to go in the World of Independent Pro-Wrestling, biggest pops, and there’s Trish vs Mickie in the VS. Dig it.

Professional
wrestling is the sport that never sleeps. Always in season, always
moving forward, and always evolving. Unfortunately in life, most people
have the mind-set that if 1 is good, 100 is better. The pro-wrestling
scene is no exception to this thinking.
Every sport has
the pros and the minor leagues, and the minors of pro-wrestling are
everywhere. In any given state, you can locate 10 promotions without
even trying. Every weekend, you can find any one of these promotions and
their weekend-warriors performing in front of small crowds in bingo
halls, high school gyms and parking-lots. Although the scene seems to
define the word “minor,” it’s actually a large part of the world of
pro-wrestling. It’s where the up and comers learn their craft and, most
importantly, pay their dues. In some cases, a promotion can be a farm
system for WWE or TNA. The minor leagues are integral to the survival of
pro-wrestling, and in my opinion just as important as the majors.
As I stated
earlier, wrestling is always evolving. While it’s always good to
continue to grow, there are aspects of the sport that don’t always need
the spotlight. In the late 90s, hardcore wrestling became a focal point.
Every week on WWF and WCW programming, you’d find guys crashing through
tables and beating each other with chairs. What was once a niche’
aspect of the business now had it’s own national championship.
That soon gave
birth to idiots doing back-flips off their roofs and crashing on to
their prone friend who was laying on a piece of wood held up by two
saw-horses. Eventually, we had federations like CZW [Combat Zone
Wrestling], where people would crash through thousands of light-tubes
after being smashed over the head with plates of glass, while the ring
was littered with tacks and barbwire. It’s absolutely pointless. The
audience is being desensitized, and the performers are constantly forced
to try and one-up what went on. People no longer work on their craft,
because all they do is jump off a ladder and wonder why the bigger
companies don’t come calling.

Recently John Cena and CM Punk had a match on Raw that was instantly
recognized as a MOTYC. One of the moments that had people buzzing was
when CM Punk delivered a piledriver to Cena. A simple piledriver. It’s
something we no longer see, and when it happened, you knew Punk meant
business. It honestly had far more impact than if Punk had thrown Cena
through three tables, simply because we don’t see it every week.

Hardcore-style
matches used to be reserved for blow-offs to a feud. It’s when the rules
went out the window and each wrestler was going to risk life and limb
to put the other down. Matches like the steel cage, scaffold, and I Quit
were huge draws for the NWA in the late 80s because they just weren’t
done that often. You think Starrcade 1986 would have been called Night
of the Skywalkers if the Road Warriors and Midnight Express were doing
those types of matches every week on NWA TV? No. Absolutely not.
Thankfully, TNA
and WWE have scaled back their hardcore aspects significantly, saving
them for special occasions. I hope one day that the minor leagues will
pick up on this, because it’s a win-win situation. Careers will last
longer, stipulations will mean more, and people will be more likely to
spend their money to see such things that only happen once in a while.
The other thing I
see as a major problem is how almost every wrestler today wants to be
all style and no substance. You see guys doing moonsaults, 450 splashes,
massive dives to the outside, back-flips off the middle rope and a wide
variety of other things they saw the likes of Eddie Guerrero and Rey
Mysterio do. However, they don’t take the time to realize that those
types of wrestlers used these sort of things as tools, they didn’t use
them as a work-bench. What’s the point of doing your stupid moonsault
when you can’t even throw a punch? Or call a match on the fly? So many
of them are incapable of getting out there and just having a wrestling
match.
It also bothers
me how often these guys are hurting themselves and others for something
so completely pointless. I’ve never seen a match and thought “Wow, I’d
have liked that a lot more if it had 20 moonsaults, back-flips, dives to
the outside and plenty of other pointless, flashy moves.”

I was watching a Botchamania the other day and some guy went for a
ridiculous move and landed on his face. Thankfully he wasn’t hurt, but
he could have been. Now, do you think if he’d landed that move that it
would have made any difference? No. It wasn’t going to make the match
any greater. It’s a completely pointless endeavor that has absolutely no
pay-off and comes with 100 percent risk.

I don’t want to
see Cirque du Soleil choreography in the ring. I want to see wrestling.
That’s it. I want to see guys who can work. Sin Cara is the king of this
kinda BS, and is he over at all? Does anyone older than 10 dig this
schtick? Has the guy ever been in a match that was over ***? No. He’s an
absolute flop who focuses on the most ridiculous crap I’ve ever seen,
and would cause any person flipping through the channels to laugh. Of
course, he’ll be around forever because someone backed him, and he’s
never wrong. WHHHo that is, I don’t know.
Alright, let’s get into a countdown. The three biggest pops I’ve ever heard.
3 – DDP debuts on RAW
June 18th, 2001
From
what I heard, DDP was interested in doing a feud with The Rock. Sort of
a People’s Champion vs. People’s Champion feud. However, a lot of
people felt DDP wasn’t on The Rock’s level. Listen to that pop, The Rock
hadn’t received one like that in years. So instead, DDP gets stuck with
The Undertaker. And not just The Undertaker, but Bikertaker, one of the
absolute worst wrestlers of all time, with this feud being a classic
example of why. ‘Taker never sold anything, and completely crushed DDP
from beginning to end. It was pathetic. They could have done something
great with Page, who’s loved by the crowd, is extremely passionate about
the business, and busts his ass with anything he’s given.
Of course, I must mention the fact that one of the reasons this was so
surprising is because the gargled voice of the stalker was revealed to
be Vince after some audio work, so I and many others were set to be
bummed the hell out when he was revealed. Also, the person who released
the clip showing it was Vince was originally slated to be Sara’s
stalker, and also demanded to be part of the nWo reboot; Mr. Scott
Keith.
2 – Sandman returns to ECW
October 23rd, 1999
After
wearing rubber-tipped barbwire in WCW, Sandman decided it was time to
return where he could be a big fish in a small pond: ECW. This pop is
not only nuclear, but it’s sustained. The crowd goes beyond 12 inch
voices for the entire time Sandman was out there rescuing Dreamer and
Raven from The Network. Another big surprise was just how in shape
Sandman was. After looking like a meth-head who owned stock in Zubaz for
most of his career, he actually looked like a threat when he returned.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3f8jp_mick-foley-wins-world-title_sport
1 – Stone Cold helps Mick
January 4th, 1999
One
of the biggest dates in wrestling’s history, as both Foley winning his
first WWF title, and the Finger Poke of Doom went down in the same
night. On the WWF side of things, it looked like The Rock might win
again, when all of a sudden Stone Cold Steve Austin showed up. He’d been
gone for a few weeks, and once the glass broke, the entire place lost
their fucking minds. I can’t do the response justice in text, you just
have to see it to believe it. Unreal. Oddly enough, this moment isn’t on youtube, and trying to encode DM vids here isn’t working.

This Week In VS:

Mickie just released a new music video that happens to co-star the former object of her obsession, Trish Stratus. Trish is often considered to be the Holy Grail of women’s wrestlers, and to be honest, I wouldn’t disagree. However, when we boil it down to just looks, I feel Mickie is the hottest of all time. I’m more partial to thick brunettes, so it’s no surprise. Anyway, I thought I’d open up the discussion here.



This Week’s Video:

In the World of comic book fan films, Batman and his surrounding canon are the leader in quality. There’s one production company known as Bat In The Sun that has made quite a few films that are studio quality. This week, I thought I’d show the one that brought my attention to the world of fan films as a whole, the trailer for Grayson. It really has to be seen to be believed. Plus, it features Kimberly Page as Catwoman, before she became unrecognizable in The 40 Year Old Virgin.

This Week’s Recko:
Payback [1999]
Payback is Mel Gibson’s last great action movie. Although to be fair, one should just call it Mel Gibson’s last great movie. He stars as Porter, a super-burly dude who has two emotions: Pissed off, and really pissed off. He’s a crook that’s been double-crossed for $70,000, and now he’s going to beat the shit out of or kill whoever he needs to in order to get it back. He’s a man of principal. It’s a throwback to the gritty crime noir films of the 70’s, while at the same time implementing a contemporary style. If you heed my advice on this, make sure you get the studio’s version. There’s a Director’s Cut out there, and it seems odd to say this, but it sucks. In what has to be the only time this has ever happened, a movie studio had far better judgment with the picture. So, avoid what’s known as the ‘Payback Edition’, and get the one that has ultra-bad-assed Kris Kristofferson as the crime boss.

No mailbag this week. I had a few emails, but they seemed like more direct questions than ones that would be entertaining here. Anyone else wanting to see their name in the bright-lights of my column, send any question, and I’m serious, ANY question; could be about relationships, working-out, wrestling, TV, movies, drug abuse, hell, you name it, I bet I can help. My dream is to one day be the Adam Carolla to someone’s Dr. Drew on a Loveline type show, so why not help peeps here, no? I’m serious, send’em in. [email protected]

As always, props to my editor, a Mr. Steven Ferrari. I met him while I was at this institution for troubled teens. Anyway, he came in as a special counselor, and said he knew about bad-dreams, and that even he had faced the man from my nightmares before. Well, from that point we became Dream Warriors. And baby tonight, baby tonight you’ll be gooonneeee…

Str8 Gangster, No Chaser
– I’ve started a new article series known as Man Etiquette, so you’ll know how to act in certain situations, I pay tribute to the burliest of the burly from the 8-bit era, talk
about people who shouldn’t use the internet [all of them], Saved By The
Bell
Archives, Comic Book Films You Didn’t Know Were Comic Book Films, plenty
of other goods.
WCW In 2000 – Recently updated with the infamous Bash at the Beach 2000. You know what’s shocking? The PPV is GOOD. No joke, it’s seriously good, and features the best match of WCW’s 2000 year so far.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1
– My book about action films. Endorsed by Scott Keith & Maddox, as
well as some fellow BOD’ers. Constant 5 star reviews on amazon. I mean, CONSTANT. Non-stop. Around the clock, baby.
Board for the BoD’ers – We average about 50 people a day stopping by, a constant cast of people posting, and you can talk about anything you want. 

Any requests, questions, comments, send’em to [email protected]

Coming up next, WrestleMania 29.

– Caliber Winfield

The Caliber Winfield Super Terrific Happy Hour

This week I talk about my favorite wrestling video games from the
classic systems, super-hero throw down, and we look at some Botchamania.

Pro-Wrestling

This game was pretty basic, but that’s what made it great. You had your
suplexes, bodyslams, head-butts, splashes and out of the ring brawling.
It was so much fun, I’d still spend hours playing it back in the year
1999, and I had shit like WCW vs. nWo – Revenge to play, so that should
tell you. You had the bomb cast: The Amazon, a Missing Link-like
creature who’d rock shit and eat the brains of people; Starman, who was
your white-bread hero; Fighter Hayabusa, he was the evil foreigner and
probably a Commie, so it’s best he got a real American smashing; King
Korn Karn, your awesome stereotype. He wanna wrest-o, preeze; Giant
Panther, I believe he was to be the Ric Flair clone, which doesn’t
really work, because I believe a Panther is capable of saving one
dollar; King Slender fought for truth, justice, and uh, being thin;
Great Puma is the World Champ, and, as expected, he’ll punch your face
so hard it’ll gut you. Dig it.

RAW & Royal Rumble

I use to play this game so much I had to wear band-aids on my thumbs because of the huge fucking blisters I’d get. At this point in my life, with the exception of Mortal Kombat II, there was no better way to spend my time. You had an awesome roster, theme music, special moves, uber-secret moves, and a ton of match styles: tag teams, tornado tag teams, Royal Rumbles. Guys would do run-ins, you could go out of the ring and use weapons such as a chair and a bucket. You could whoop the shit out of a guy so bad the fucking ref would quit. Man, I could go on and on about this for days.
Royal Rumble was basically the same. You just had a different roster and no uber-hidden moves. Also, when you won the tournament mode, The Fink would come into the ring and hand you the belt. Sure, it’s a small difference, but shit like that made a big deal to me. It was also the first to introduce the Royal Rumble battle mode, which rocked the fucking house.

No Mercy

If you were a wrestling fan who played video games, then this should come as no shock. There will NEVER be a better wrestling game. This gave you everything you could ever want. You could create your own style of wrestler, or create one who wasn’t in the game. You could brawl outside, send people into the back, put motherfuckers through tables, jump off ladders. You had a million types of matches: first blood, ladder, 2 out of 3 falls, tornado, Royal Rumble, steel cage… it was endless. You had incredible entrances, incredible gameplay, it was stunning. You could wrestle and put the title on the line. You could execute double-team moves such as the 3D. You had tournament mode, which had a ton of different paths. A store to buy things. Fuck, it was endless. The Smackdown titles would come out around the same time, and they sucked. You could throw someone off the top of a Hell in a Cell, and they’d pop up like I farted on them or something. So the only way I could release my pent up rage was to piledrive a guy onto his own groin. Don’t ask how that works, it just did.

In the end, No Mercy was the pinnacle, and the swan song. It’s the one that every wrestling game will forever be compared to, and with good reason. It wasn’t just the control scheme that made the game great, it was the pacing, movements, and seamless relation to what we saw in the ring. It did what any good content provider does: it saw what we liked, and gave us as much as they possibly could, so that today No Mercy is just as, if not more popular than it was during its initial release.

This week’s VS: The Cap vs The Bat
Environment can play to someone’s strengths, and since Captain America is on the super-juice, this battle takes place in Gotham. That being said, I think Batman would take this one. It wouldn’t be a land-slide, that’s for damn sure. It’d be one of those deals where Batman is about to lose, but he does the Johnny Cage splits-ball-punch. How say you?

This Week’s Video:
Maffew gave me my new catchphrase, “GO CALIBER GO!”, so I thought we’d have a look at what is not only the best moment in Botchamania’s history, but one of the greatest youtube videos ever.

Recko:
Wonderland [2003]

Based on the ‘4 On The Floor’ murders from 1981 that involved the first mega pornstar, John Holmes. Of course, at this point he wasn’t as much a pornstar as he was a pathetic, scumbag cokehead. The film details the summer of 1981 for a  group of drug-dealers & friends that live at the Wonderland apartments located in Los Angeles. One of their more frequent customers is Johnny Wad himself, John Holmes, who their starting to realize is more trouble than the novelty of having a pornstar around is worth. As it goes, one night they decide to rob a very rich, and apparently very violent gangster for all that they can. The consequences would make national head-lines.
It’s an absolutely fantastic film that completely flew under the radar, and deserved a major release. Val Kilmer, in his last great role, plays John Holmes, with a supporting cast comprised of Kate Bosworth, Lisa Kudrow, Christina Applegate, and Dylan McDermott. The story is told from two perspectives, leaving it up to the viewer to decide what really went on. This whole ordeal also served inspiration for the scene from Boogie Nights where Dirk, Reed, and Todd decide to rob a silk-robe wearing, Ricky Springfield [he’s a buddy of mine!] rockin’, Alfred Molina. Bottom line, it’s a hell of a movie, and worth any price you pay [or don’t] to see it.

Mailbag:
“Hey Cal, i know Scott has a backlog of email so i thought i’d use your articles to cut ahead in line. My question is, what was the first PPV you ever ordered? Mine was WMX which was something i got for my 10th birthday and made me a god at school”

Oh, is that all I am to you guys? Something you can use? Look, I’m awesome, yes, but I do have feelings.
My first PPV was Survivor Series 1995. I started watching wrestling in May of 1995, and watched every WWE PPV from June till November scrambled. Yeah, I RAN home, literally RAN home so I didn’t miss SummerSlam 1995. I had to see Bret take on Issac, and see how Big D would handle King Mable, and I watched it scrambled. So, I eventually begged and pleaded with my parents and we got SS95, I was so excited I could hardly sleep the night before. I recorded it and watched it again right after it was over. At school the next day I knew the score, and everyone else was a sucker.

Thanks as always to my editor, Steven Ferrari. Him and I met during an Arm Wrestling Championship that was being held in Las Vegas. I was drinking motor-oil, and he was there trying to win a truck, money, and the love of his son. He just needed to go over the top.

Str8 Gangster, No Chaser
– I pay tribute to the burliest of the burly from the 8-bit era, talk about people who shouldn’t use the internet [all of them], Saved By The Bell
Archives, Comic Book Films You Didn’t Know Were Comic Book Films, plenty
of other goods.
WCW In 2000 – Updating every week, and recently reviewed the very first Nitro for the anniversary of Nitro being off the air.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1
– My book about action films. Endorsed by Scott Keith & Maddox, as
well as some fellow BOD’ers. Constant 5 star reviews on amazon. I mean, CONSTANT. Non-stop. Around the clock, baby.
Board for the BoD’ers – Some hip cats doing some hip things.

Any requests, any questions you have for the mailbag,
send’em to [email protected]

– Caliber Winfield

The Caliber Winfield Super Teriffic Happy Hour

This week I review WrestleMania 24, throw a question out for discussion, and once again find something from wrestling’s past that I had absolutely no idea existed.

Also, I want to apologize for the way the article looks. Blogger is an absolute piece of crap, and will completely change font-size, font-style, and word & image placement on a whim. You’ll save your article, it’ll look like you want it, but when published it looks like something completely different. That’s what’s going on here.

When I started on my WM reviews, I wanted to give some love to 25, then review my Top 2 favorites; 26 & 24. However, after reviewing 26 a week or so ago I realized it may very well be my favorite. I haven’t seen 24 in years, so let’s see if it’s still as groovy as I remember it. Suspense this good is why you come to the Caliber man.

Fit
Finaly vs. JBL – Belfast Brawl

At the beginning, the match is all Finlay, but once the
international objects come into play, JBL turns the tide. He keeps it with a
barrage of trash can shots, until he tries a piledriver on the ring steps, only
to receive a back-drop for his troubles. At this point, neither is able to hold
the momentum for very long, as they trade blows with weapons ranging from trash
cans, metal sheets, ring steps, kendo sticks, and tables. It’s a great match
and a hell of an opener that the crowd was really into.

Finlay takes a Clothesline From Hell and eats the pin at 8:35 |
***1/2

John Morrison vs. Carlito vs. Shelton
Benjamin vs. CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. MVP vs. Chris Jericho – Money In The
Bank
The first ‘holy shit’ spot of the night is
Shelton on a ladder and dumped outside via a front flip through a ladder that’s
placed between the barrier and ring. After a series of brutal
spots, such as CM Punk giving Mr. Kennedy a Diamond Cutter off the ladder and
Carlito following suit on Jericho, only with a Backstabber, MVP stands up in
the ring, and looks like Steve Buscemi at the end of Reservoir Dogs. There’s no
such thing as a bad MiTB. 
Punk grabs the briefcase to win his first
MiTB at 17:55 | ****

Umaga vs. Batista – FOR BRAND SUPREMECY!

This match is all sorts of boring and terrible, which is
shocking, considering this is for the good of Smackdown and Raw! Umaga
basically works over Batista the entire match until the end, where Batista
delivers a spinebuster and perhaps the worst looking powerbomb ever, even worse
than the one Shawn took from Nash at WM11. So, here I am backing Smackdown now,
and Batista switches the next night! What was I to think?! Thankfully, they
started having the Bragging Rights PPVs so I knew which show to back, as to
avoid looking the fool.

Umaga eats a Demonbomb & pin at 7:06 | ½ *

Chavo Guerrero [C] vs. Kane – ECW Championship

Kane surprises Chavo by appearing from behind him. The match
starts, Chavo catches a chokeslam and that’s it. I think this was the best
choice for everyone involved.

Kane chokeslams & pins Chavo at .11 | **

Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair

Really, this should have gone on last. It’s Ric Flair’s final
match, at WM, against Michaels. What more could you ask for in a main event? The
first great moment is Shawn and Ric trading places in the corner while they
chop the bloody hell out of each other. It’s soon followed by Flair actually
leaping off the top turnbuckle, which I think he’s been able to do successfully
about 3 times. Afterward, Shawn makes me cringe as he lands ribs-first on the
edge of the announcer’s table after missing a moonsault From there, the match
keeps its high pace and drama that has earned it not only 5 stars, but a place
among my all-time favorite matches. Wrestling fans were split with this one,
some saying it was only average, while others thought it went above and beyond.
Hell, I think the ending alone should keep it from being average, as it stands
today as one of wrestling’s greatest moments. 
Ric Flair receives Sweet Chin Music followed by a pin at 20:33 | *****

Beth Phoenix & Melina vs. Maria & Ashley –
PlaboyBunnyManiaBoobies&TittiesNakedChicks Lumberjill Match

I know there are some types out there who say Beth Phoenix isn’t
attractive, but if you prefer a tanned skeleton like Ashley, you are wrong.
None of this opinion junk. You’re flat out wrong. Thankfully though, Ashley can
wrestle like crap. This match has nothing to really make note of, other than
Snoop hitting a clothesline. Which I imagine with his massive biceps feels like
getting hit with a baseball bat. 
Beth hits Maria with a fishermen’s suplex at 5:58 | 1/2*

Randy Orton [C] vs. John Cena vs. Triple H – WWE Championship

It appears that Triple H and Randy Orton use the same
self-tanner, which seems to be deck stainer. Love that Randy nails HHH with the
belt right off the bat, it’s a perfect heel action. It also reminds me of how
much more interesting he is when he’s not the incredibly boring face. Cena goes
for the double FU, but Hunter slips off at the last moment. He’ll get it one of
these days. Hell, The Rock is pumped with so much juice & HGH that it’s
like two people, so give credit where credit is due. The greatest compliment I
can pay a match is being afraid of it ending, and this is one of those matches.
The action is non-stop, and it flows seamlessly. Near the end it really starts
to pick up with Orton holding out from 3 different submissions, then recouping
while Triple H and Cena do their best to snag the win while Randy gets his wind
back. It’s great stuff, and I feel a match that was completely underrated. Some
had grief with the fact that it was so short, but had it been longer we would
have had rest-holds and moments where everyone is down. So what we got was all killer
and none of the filler. People need to dust off their WrestleMania 24s and give
this one a second look.

Triple H delivers a Pedigree to Cena, but catches a punt to the
head from Orton, who then steals the pin on John at 14:09 | ****

Floyd Mayweather vs. Big Show

I don’t like it when people from other venues come into
wrestling and get a win, unless they have a proven track record and respect it.
I don’t like people who flaunt their wealth. I REALLY don’t like Mayweather.
They tried to book Big Show like a heel, but Mayweather was such a little bitch
that Show was being cheered for everything. I mean, how on Earth are we supposed
to root for a guy who takes photos with all the money he got from the WWE, runs
away mid-match, and has some obnoxious cock in a white suit screaming at the
ref “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” [in reference to stomping on a hand and giving a chop.
You can’t do that. Bodyslam? Unheard of in wrestling. You can’t do that]? At
least Big Show wasn’t pinned. Any stars I give this match are purely for me
enjoying the sight of Floyd getting hurt. 
Big Show doesn’t answer the count of 10 at 11:36 | **

The Undertaker vs. Edge [C] – World Heavyweight Championship

Edge starts off by shoving The Undertaker, to blatantly show he doesn’t fear
him. That was something I always liked about Edge within this feud, he wasn’t
afraid. It was different. ‘Taker gets a bit of a lead, but being over-zealous
sends him crashing to the outside, at which point Edge takes complete advantage
and dominates for a while until he aims to leap off the top rope but ‘Taker
sends him crashing to the outside, hell of a bump. Once he’s back in, neither
of them can hold on to momentum for long, as they go on to give one of the best
wrestling matches ever. Edge went full tilt, countering everything from
chokeslams to the Old-School, giving The Dead Man a receipt for all of it.
Undertaker himself had an answer for everything Edge had as well, from
submissions to spears. One of the best matches I’ve ever seen. 
Edge taps out to Hell’s Gate at 23:50 | *****

Showcase Showdown: 

The setting is absolutely gorgeous with the tropical colors and open arena.
Everything you expect to deliver does so and then some. The opening match keeps
great company as one of the best WM openers of all time. The dreck, as in the
traditional divas and celebrity match are thankfully kept short. The main event
matches deliver with the best of them, with 2 earning 5 stars from me. Ric and
Shawn created WM history, while Edge and Taker had a match for the ages.
Amongst these incredible bouts are solid 4 star matches in the MiTB and WWE
championship. One of the greatest PPVs of all time that unfortunately doesn’t
get it’s due.


Intelligent Conversation:

 Alright, here it is. With the money Scott pays me I was able to purchase a machine that brings different Worlds, Universes, and all that good business together. So, I’ve brought together the years 1987 and 2013. For WrestleMania, it’s John Cena vs Hulk Hogan. Now, the question of course is who wins, but I’m asking for both levels.
Kayfabe Level: I gotta go with John Cena. I think he’s proven to have the edge that Hogan didn’t. I don’t see Cena losing to Warrior if they fought at WM6.. How say you?
Backstage Level: I’m going with Hogan. Cena doesn’t play politics what so ever. 

 
So there I am, watching the Cornette YouShoot: Lost Questions, and this comes up. I’ve been a wrestling fan for almost 20 years. I truly thought I’d seen the worst of the worst, yet something new always creeps up. How has this been off my radar? This is the absolute worst thing in the entire fucking World. I had to knife fight a gorilla afterwards just to deal with my disbelief. And I’m talking old school knife fight, like in the Beat It video. Rad stuff. Anyway, have you guys seen this? Sweet fancy Moses.

Weekly Recko:Well, this week I can’t call it a recko because I haven’t seen either, but The Top 100 Raw Moments & Best of Raw/Smackdown 2012 are on netflix now. So there you go. For those with HuluPlus, check out Bigger.Stronger.Faster. It’s the greatest documentary of all time, that is deeply entertaining as well as insightful and eye-opening. It’s all about steroids and America’s fascination with body image. Fantastic stuff.

No mailbag this week. Any questions you got, any displeasure with Caliber you’d like to express, do send it to [email protected]







Str8 Gangster, No Chaser
– People Shouldn’t Use The Internet, 4 of the Worst Instances of TV Censorship, Saved By The Bell
Archives, Comic Book Films You Didn’t Know Were Comic Book Films, plenty
of other goods.
WCW In 2000 – Recently updated with a brand new Nitro, and something coming up for the anniversary of Nitro going off the air.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1
– My book about action films. Endorsed by Scott Keith & Maddox, as
well as some fellow BOD’ers. Constant 5 star reviews on amazon. I mean, CONSTANT. Non-stop. Around the clock, baby.
Board for the BoD’ers – Some hip cats doing some hip things. 


Thanks to my editor Steven Ferrari. I actually met him at the 1990 Survivor Series. There was an egg that had been around all day, and people were wondering what came out of it. People think it was the Gooker, but nope, it was Steven.

I’ve disabled Disqus. It kept causing script problems and f’ning with my firefox. So, any requests, any questions you have for the mailbag, send’em to [email protected]

Now I’m Caliber, and I write for the Doom/
Call me Flair, could write a great piece about a broom/
I’m the quarter back, and the team, call a one man huddle/
And I get more chicks than Fuj with the Wrestlerock Rumble/

Dream Super Hero Team

All right Scott, I know you're a fanboy so I figured you and the blog could have some fun with this scenario: you get tagged to write a comic book, not just any book, but the Justice League. and you can add any eight characters of the pre-Flashpoint DCU, but here's a few rules.

 
1. None of the Big Three can be on the team, that's right, no Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman
 
2. they have to have one wild card character
 
3. the leader has to have been a leader of another DCU team
 
4. and one of the members dies at the end of the first arc, but it can't be the wild card character
 
I won't put my squad because I don't want to influence anybody, but it's still a pretty cool concept. go

Those are some pretty arbitrary rules.  
I'd go with Nightwing as leader, with Flash (WALLY WEST), Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner), Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, Captain Marvel, Donna Troy and I'm not sure what you mean by "wild card" character but I'd throw Ambush Bug on there for additional comic relief because he's convinced that he's related to Blue Beetle.  For the first arc I'd kill Donna Troy because she's come back from worse, and probably replace her with either Power Girl or Martian Manhunter.

The SmarK SUPER SMACKDOWN Rant – 02.21.12

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

 

The SmarK SUPER SMACKDOWN Rant – 02.21.12

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

 

The SmarK SUPER SMACKDOWN Rant – 02.21.12

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

 

The SmarK SUPER SMACKDOWN Rant – 02.21.12

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

 

The SmarK SUPER SMACKDOWN Rant – 02.21.12

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

 

The SmarK SUPER SMACKDOWN Rant – 02.21.12

The SmarK SUPER SmackDown Rant – 02.21.12

LIVE from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews & Booker T.

Daniel Bryan and AJ start us out, as Bryan gloats about main-eventing Wrestlemania.  Although “main event” is a bit of a stretch given he’ll be fourth from the top at best.  He claims to be the real Rocky story, but the Miz interrupts.  Whoa, dig the STAR POWER.  Miz takes credit for Bryan’s development into a star and wants to form a team, but now Sheamus interrupts.  Miz is mortified, but Bryan attacks Sheamus and runs off, leaving Miz to get walloped.

Sheamus v. The Miz

Apparently Teddy Long booked the match during the break.  We join it in progress with Sheamus holding an armbar, and dumping Miz to the apron for the forearms.  Sheamus slingshots in with a shoulderblock for two, but Miz necksnaps him.  Sheamus misses a charge and hits the floor off that, allowing Miz to work the arm for a bit and hit the running corner clothesline.  Double axehandle off the top gets two, and they slug it out, but Sheamus comes back with elbows and his own corner clothesline.  Backbreaker gets two.  Miz gets the neckbreaker for two and sets up for the Finale, but Sheamus escapes and misses the big kick.  Emerald Frozen finishes at 5:55, however.  I’m guessing they can just call that the Emerald Isle and they’re golden.  Fine TV match.  **1/2  Miz really needs something different to do at this point, though, because he’s going to get stuck in the wrestling equivalent of the Friend Zone and never escape.

Meanwhile, Aksana continues putting the moves on Teddy Long, but Big Johnny and his lawyer interrupt.  So Teddy announces that their office is the men’s room tonight.  Oh, burn.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Must suck to be the Usos.  WWE is so desperate for tag teams that they throw R-BOOM together on RAW to bolster it, and the Usos still can’t even get off Superstars.  Swagger quickly gets the pump splash on Truth for two, and Ziggler drops the elbow and does situps.  Blind charge misses and Kofi gets the hot tag and runs wild, hitting a high cross on Dolph for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth takes yet another hard dump to the floor, allowing Ziggler to finish Kofi with the Zig Zag at 2:43.  I think this was actually Ziggler’s first win in something like two months, although I don’t get why you put the new team over the tag champs one night and then job them to another heel team the next night.

Meanwhile, Santino is training with the Cobra, but Heath Slater interrupts and gets spit on.  By the sock.  Yeah.  Luckily, Michael Cole helpfully points out that this was funny.

The Great Khali v. Drew McIntyre

Still not fired, I see.  Khali squashes the shit out of him at 0:27 with the tree slam.  This McIntyre storyline makes no sense.  So Teddy Long, weeks ago, says that he needs to win or he’s fired.  So he loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses and loses…and then nothing, he’s still there, and still losing, and now there’s not even any stakes to it, he’s just a guy who loses.  So what was the point?

Meanwhile, Big Show is really quite upset at Cody Rhodes.  They still need to get to Shaq for Wrestlemania, so maybe they’ll go with Show & Shaq v. Cody & Barrett instead?

Big Show v. Mark Henry

Good god, let poor Mark take a month off and heal.  Show hammers him in the corner but misses the knockout punch, and Henry pounds him down to take over.  Mark steps on him and chokes him out on the ropes, laying down some quality trash-talk.  Henry misses a blind charge and Show comes back with clotheslines and the spear, but Cody Rhodes interrupts.  For some reason, Show stops wrestling and stands there staring while Cody shows a video of Show v. Akebono at Wrestlemania 21.  And he turns around into a slam and splash for two.  Henry must have the WORLD’S STRONGEST GROIN if he can bodyslam a guy with his injuries.  Show, however, puts Henry down with the Kassius Ohno punch and that match just stops at 5:00 or so with no winner announced.  What the fuck kind of finish was that?  *1/2

Ezekial Jackson v. David Otunga

As much as they do the fake laughter for dumb stuff, Johnny Ace coming out and doing the Teddy Long dance with no music is legitimately hilarious.  And Zeke cuts a DROP IN PROMO before the match so we know he means business.  Hopefully he lasts longer than 90 seconds this time then.  Otunga pounds away, but Zeke gets a pair of clotheslines in the corner followed by a splash.  Otunga escapes the torture rack by grabbing the ropes, and finishes with the spinebuster at 1:14.  So no, in fact Zeke lost even faster this time.  ½*  I think perhaps Teddy Long should consider upgrading his avatar in this feud.

Meanwhile, CM Punk talks up Teddy Long and hypes the main event tonight.

Daniel Bryan v. CM Punk

We’ve got half an hour left so that’s gotta be a good sign.  Michael Cole goes crazy for a “Twitter War” between Punk and Chris Brown, which is apparently about how Brown wants Hacksaw Duggan and Bret Hart to come back or something.  Hey, how about Punk & Rihanna v. Brown & Eve Torres for Wrestlemania!  They trade headlocks while Cole once again talks about how “#1 trend worldwide” means “most talked about subject on Twitter”, which is completely a lie.  That is totally incorrect and they are pathetic trying to make it sound like it’s true.  We take a break and return with Bryan hurting Punk’s arm and working on it in the corner, but a blind charge misses.  Punk whiffs on a springboard bodyblock, landing right on the arm to hurt it further.  By the way, add “developing story” to my list of annoying Michael Cole-isms.  It joins “building momentum” among many others.  Bryan throws the kicks, but Punk slugs back with forearms until Bryan takes him down by the arm again.  Bryan gets a nice dick heel move, grinding his knee into Punk’s face on the mat, before going to the surfboard hold.  Punk fights out of that with a backbreaker and either blows out his knee in the process or does a spectacular job of faking it.  That was just sloppy.  Apparently he’s fine because he fights back with the high kicks and tries the GTS, but Bryan goes the arm to escape and then exits the ring.  Sheamus tosses him back in and Punk finishes with the high kick at 9:42.  BUT WAIT!  Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW Johnny Ace WILL NOT STAND for this injustice, and the match MUST CONTINUE.  He’s got a point.  So we take a break and return with Bryan getting a rollup and holding the ropes for the pin at 11:32.  BUT WAIT!  Teddy Long continues wrecking a perfectly good match with overbooking bullshit and he also decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.   Punk hits a tope suicida and back in for a springboard clothesline that gets two.  Back in, Bryan takes over again and gets a dropkick into the corner for two.  Top rope rana is reversed by Punk on the way down for two, and Punk blocks the seated kicks with a rollup for two.  Bryan reverses that into the Lebell Lock, but Punk escapes with the catapult and levels him with the high kick for two.  Punk goes up for the big elbow, but Bryan crotches him and they fight for the superplex attempt.  Punk puts him down twice, but Bryan just won’t die and finally gets his superplex…which Punk immediately turns into a small package for the pin at 17:29.  However, both shoulders were down, so apparently there’s no winner here either.  Long and Ace argue over it, and for some reason Long is endorsing Punk while Ace is endorsing Bryan, which is bizarre because you’d think they’d support the champions of their own show, personal feelings aside.  At least that’s what HHH told us a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway, great match, STUPID ending.  These were some spectacularly bad finishes tonight, although it’s tough to ruin Punk v. Bryan.  ****

The Pulse:

This was basically RAW part 2, and the entire show was god-awful up until the main event saved it, so please do yourself a favor and seek out that match, and feel free to ignore the rest of this crappy show.

 

Super Sunday Thread.

There’s a big game on today if you so care. So, I made a thread for you to discuss it. Okay, who are we kidding I just wanted to repost my Super Sunday Episode. Anyway, enjoy both today!

Remember to follow me on twitter! @maskedreviewer.

Also, game prediction? Sure. Giants 28 Patriots 24
One more thing, I’m trying to figure out what day of the week I should release my videos on. Anyone have any suggestions? I’ve been throwing them out there when finished as of now.