Total nonstop Southern States Wrestling from the world famous Kingsport Farmers Market!
Jake Booth vs Troy Buchanan
After the usual intro (minus any semi-famous wrestler plugs), we start off cold with introductions for the opening match from the Thanksgiving Extravaganza. The weather caused many issues with wrestlers being unable to make the card, so I guess Jake’s shot at the Streetfighting championship will have to wait for another day.
The bell rings and, OH HAPPY DAY! Joe Wheeler is alone on the stick! That alone should be enough to push even a Jake Booth match up to DUD level!
Wearing the old amateur wrestling tights that he probably stole from his high school, Booth backs Buchanan into the corner, who immediately turns up the chickenshit in fear of this wrestling monstrosity. As Jake does the same in another corner, Joe Wheeler is really on his game here, somehow finding a way of making the move to the Farmer’s Market seem like a big deal. Maybe it is, as this place is quite honestly worlds better than the Grey Community Center.
Buchanan eventually stops his stalling to get Jake into a side headlock, giving Wheeler time to sing his praises. Jake twists out into a hammerlock, playing into his strengths, as he can do these moves adequately if you let him do them really slow.
Buchanan stalls a good bit more before they finally lock up again, resulting in a go-behind that leads to a schoolboy for a two count, which leads to another thirty seconds of stalling from Buchanan.
Joe Wheeler gets muted out on his attempt to tell the audience about
Christmas Night Star Wars when the on screen graphic tells us that it is being held on December 23rd. Beau James should give up on having his announcers promote his upcoming shows, as they almost never work out as planned.
Finally, Buchanan gets the bright idea to just kick Booth in the gut, and he takes over with a small set of SSW Main Event Offense. Buchanan is okay here, like a poor man’s Kyle Kool. I’m just happy to see somebody that looks only slightly obese.
Buchanan sends Jake into the ropes for a backdrop, but Booth counters into a sloppy sunset flip that gets about 2.7. The boys must be comfortable with this ref, as two near falls in the same match are practically unheard of in SSW. Buchanan is up first and connects with a hard running elbow, covering for almost 2.
As Joe Wheeler tells us about Buchanan’s exploits as one half of the T-Rex Express, Buchanan goes up to THE SECOND ROPE and connects with a double axe handle. But Troy chooses to jaw with the fans, allowing Jake enough time to recover with a few two-handed punches. After Troy clearly tells Jake what to do, Jake comes off the ropes and runs into a kneelift.
After spending an eternity telling Jake what to do next, he throws Jake off the ropes, who ducks the move and bounces back with a clothesline to the lower chest. Yeah, I wouldn’t trust Jake Booth to throw his arms anywhere near my face either.
After an awkward biel, and an even more awkward chest-bump kind of move, Jake whips Buchanan into the far corner, but catches a boot coming in. Tempting the fates, Buchanan heads up to the second rope again for another double axe handle, but this time Jake catches him with a shot to the gut, leading to a comical delayed flip bump a good second after getting hit.
Jake sets up for his patented football tackle…and connects! He follows up with a Kamala-like splash that’s good enough for the pin.
Winner in about 5:30, the savage from deepest, darkest Kingsport, Jake Booth 1/2*
I have to admit, Jake is getting a little better. He’s moved down a notch from “ultra suck” to “super suck”. And it’s so refreshing to hear Joe Wheeler call a match unencumbered.
Speaking of Wheeler, he is back to interview the newcomers The Washington Bullets. They speak of the great tag teams to have passed through Southern States Wrestling over the years, such as Edge & Christian, but they are better than them all. They crow about their victory tonight, as the helpful graphic tells us that we will see them in action in two weeks. They’ve been all over the place…Florida…Georgia…and they’re coming to prove that they are better than each and every one of us. Even kbjone! They’re job us to win, ours is to lose!
Christmas Night Star Wars takes place on Decemeber 23rd, Misty James birthday, in a WELL HEATED Farmers Market! I’m sure that the 30 or so people in attendance at this last show will attest to that.
Wheeler is back with the SSW Champion D’Andre Jackson. Unfortunately, due to travel issues, Frank Parker was unable to get his title shot at the Thanksgiving Extravaganza, but he will get his chance at Star Wars. Beau James apparently gets distracted, or just stops giving a shit, because after the first muting he just lets all the other references to Christmas Night slide. D’Andre asks Joe what’s on his Christmas Wish List. Joe answers “Peace and happiness through the world.” D’Andre answers “A win over Frank Parker.” Not quite as noble. After a rambling interview that literally says nothing, he makes us wait a good ten seconds before delivering his even more meaningless catchphrase. If his job as champion is to sound even worse than Jake Booth, then mission accomplished!
Southern States Wrestling Television Title Match: Scott Sterling(c) vs Beau James
The relentless onslaught of wrestling action continues, as we immediately join into the start of this match, the match that just three weeks ago Beau James himself told us would never be televised.
Apparently, this match has a twenty minute time limit, but the TV title is only on the line for the first fifteen minutes. I don’t think you need me to tell you how this match is going to end…but I need to figure out how to stay sane watching a Beau James match FOR OVER FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES!
Sorry, imma just gonna go with the Cliff Notes version of the match calling here.
First five minutes: Tie up. Tie up. Armbar. Arm ringer. Hammerlock. Armbar. Hand stomp. Arm bar. Arm ringer. Hammerlock. Reversal. Mute out Joe Wheeler. Hair pull. Headlock. Another reminder that the Farmers Market is well heated. ArmBAR.
Second five minutes: Hip toss. Shoulder block. Clothesline. Two count. ARMbar! Hair pull. Corner whip. Missed charge. Elbow. Punch.
Third five minutes: Punch. Choke. Hand stamp. Kick. Wristlock. Punch x 5. Elbow. Uppercut. Two count. Forearm. Rope choke. Head butt. CHOKE! Eye gouge. Mule kick. Punch. Punch. Chop. Biel. Eye gouge. Arm ringer. ARMMOTHERFUCKINGBAR! Eye gouge! Choke! Forearm! Forearm! Punch! Kick! Double chop! Double throat thrust! Punch x 4! Elbow! Back rake!
Immediately after the fifteen mark of the match was announced. Beau James locks in a Cobra Clutch, and within ten seconds puts Scott Sterling down for the pin.
Winner in about 15:10 via Stall Time Is Finally Over, Beau James.
However, by stipulation, still SSW TV Champion, Scott Sterling. -***
I’m sorry. I thought I could make this entertaining…but these two old men blatantly engaging in a fifteen minute stallfest just to get out of the stupid booking corner they painted themselves into broke the limit inside me. I’m begging someone to hide me.
HUGE NEWS UPDATE: They have actually created a television title belt! And it looks like one of those cardboard things that the Hardy Boys used in their elementary school trampoline fed! Scott Sterling tries to slink away with his title, but is too fat to fit under the bottom rope as we go to commercial.
Tim Young’s Unnamed Marketing Firm must be a joke…but it ceased being funny months ago.
Joe Wheeler backstage with a not-very-happy Scott Sterling, allowing us a good shot at just how chintzy this new belt is. Due to Jake Booth being due a rematch, and Beau James defeating Scott Sterling and remaining the number one contender, Scott Sterling will have to defend his TV title at Christmas Star Wars against Jake Booth and Beau James in a “Round Robin Match” A coin toss will determine which wrestler Sterling will face first, the loser will go to the floor, the guy that was on the floor will replace him for another match, and the process repeats until one wrestler has earned a win over both opponents. Congratulations on finding something more convoluted than a Triple Threat Match! Scott says he’s been beating these guys for the past two years, so he doesn’t care about beating them both on the same night.
They don’t even let Joe finish his final comments before scrolling up to an interview with Jake Booth. Joe spends another thirty seconds explaining the stips again before giving Jake a chance to talk…which was actually a pretty good idea. Jake Booth has wrestled Scott Sterling all over the place, and he knows all about him and his rulebreaking ways, and knows he’s got to keep an eye on him. But he also knows that he doesn’t have to worry about his Uncle Beau James…
Which brings out…an enraged Beau James into the shot? Let’s make up for shirking his match by transcribing his promo:
“Hold on. Wait a minute. I just walked in here to wait my turn to hear my own nephew say he doesn’t have to worry about me? You just said it right here on the TV for everyone to hear, you think because you’re the hot new thing you don’t have to worry about your uncle? You better ask this guy right here, Joe Wheeler, cuz he’ll tell you you better worry about me! I’m the person that put Robert Fuller’s lights out! I’m the person that got up from Jerry Lawler’s piledriver! And you’re gonna come on this T…Joe Wheeler, if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even be on this TV! If it wasn’t for me nobody would even care about you! Tell me you don’t have to worry about me, I put my whole life into this profession, and you’re gonna come on TV and make some smart remark like that!”
As a fuming Beau James stalks away, a confused Jake Booth tells Joe that all he was going to say was that he didn’t have to worry about Beau James breaking the rules, as we cut to the Jesus Saves!! sign to close the show.
Beau James heel turn? I’m down for it. They’ve done all they can fighting Scott Sterling and Frank Parker, so the only people left for the James Family to fight is each other.
Over 20 minutes of wrestling on this show, about as much as RAW these days. If Beau James can make his own shitfests more palatable with heel tactics, they might be on the verge of filling the well heated Farmers Market some day.