The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

And…we’re back.  As a reminder, as of Thursday this blog will be closed for a few days, so direct yourself to rspwfaq.livejournal.com for all your Blog of Doom needs over the weekend.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

Live from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler, plus Booker T because they were shooting Smackdown matches anyway.

Randy Orton & Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan & Kane

Oddly, the graphics show Orton, Sheamus and Bryan as Smackdown wrestlers, but Kane gets a RAW graphic for his name.  At what point did Kane move to RAW, exactly?  Orton makes out with AJ, but can’t use the inspiration to put Orton down.  Orton gets the Garvin Stomp and a clothesline for two, but Bryan tags out to Kane when Sheamus comes in.  Sheamus goes after Kane’s leg, but gets elbowed down, and Kane drops an elbow for one.  Sheamus goes up with the battering ram for one, but stops to chase Bryan and gets hit with a flying knee off the apron by Bryan.  And we take a break. Back with Bryan beating on Sheamus in the corner, but a blind charge misses and it’s hot tag Orton.  Powerslam for Bryan into the draping DDT, but Kane pulls Bryan out to save him.  This leads to Orton and Kane brawling  until Bryan gets a cheapshot, and Orton is YOUR douchbag in peril.  Kane with the corner clothesline for two.  Sideslam gets two.  Kane to the top with the flying clothesline, but Orton makes the hot tag to Sheamus.  He runs wild on Bryan and dumps Kane, leaving Sheamus and Bryan alone.  AJ comes in to plead for her man’s safety, and Kane chokeslams Sheamus behind the ref’s back to give Bryan the pin at 11:33.  Good long match to open the show.  ***1/4

Michael Cole joins us in the ring to announce that he has been named OFFICIAL COMMENTATOR for Team Johnny.  So Johnny Ace introduces the Official Flagbearer Vickie Guerrero (that’s gotta be a gigantic rib on Big Johnny) and David Otunga for a match, I guess.

David Otunga v. Santino Marella

Yay, this again.  Santino gets a facelock, but Otunga nails him with a clothesline from behind and stops to get into a flag-waving contest with Hornswoggle.  Naturally this leads to the Cobra at 1:25.  Santino is about to give Johnny the Cobra as well, but Miz attacks him to save, thus earning himself a spot on the team.  As with all the other GM battle segments, this was basically just an angle and not a match.

Hell In A Cell video package.  Still no word on HHH putting his career on the line, so I guess it’s not happening.

Eve Torres v. Kelly Kelly

I was really hoping the token Divas match would be AJ getting the belt from Beth Phoenix to pay off that storyline, but I guess that’s post-Wrestlemania.  That’s also more evidence that Bryan will retain the title, because the two of them as World champions would be too awesome for one show to contain.  Kelly gets a rollup for two, but Eve takes over with an armbar.  Kelly gets her stupid spinning headscissors and pounds away in the corner, but Eve shoves her down and then misses a moonsault, allowing Kelly to get the pin at 2:25.  If anyone cared about the Divas I’d say they should have put the heat on the heels before Wrestlemania, but there’s no illusions about it being any more than a bathroom break after Hell in a Cell anyway.

CM Punk v. Christian

Sadly, this is not the promised ONE MORE MATCH for Christian in exchange for his patronage on Team Johnny.  Chris Jericho appears and now has information about Punk’s mother:  She’s a kind and decent person with no vices whatsoever.  However, his parents were married late, so Punk is legally a bastard.  So with that, Christian attacks and tosses him, and pays the price when Punk kicks the shit out of him, showing fire he hasn’t had in months.  And he finishes the beating with a GTS onto the stairs, as the match is basically a no-contest with Punk snapping and putting the Vice on Christian until the ref pulls him off.  So now we know that Punk is PISSED and means business on Sunday.  Good stuff.

Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins

Shouldn’t Clay have moved up to the next tier of jobbers by now?  Hawkins clips him and actually gets a near-fall on him, but Clay bulldozes him with the usual and finishes with the splash at 0:55.

Big Show v. Primo

Are they seriously using the tag champions as job guys now?  Show tosses him around and chokeslams him at 0:41.  Epico takes one as well, but more importantly Cody Rhodes has a promo to cut.  And also, Christian is once again “injured” via Punk, so Team Johnny needs yet another final mystery member.

Meanwhile, the Bella Twins take different sides in the GM war, and Zack Ryder continues being a moron with Eve.

Mark Henry v. The Great Khali

Khali chops him down, but Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam at 0:41 to represent Team Johnny.  This proves to be merely a backdrop for a huge brawl between the two teams, as we now learn that Drew McIntyre is replacing Christian, and Booker T is the newest member of Team Teddy.

And finally, The Rock is out for the final verbal showdown with John Cena before Wrestlemania.  Rock talks about how everyone bugged him for 7 years about coming back again and how Betty White was throwing herself at him.  John Cena comes out for the rebuttal:  Everyone hates him, but he’s gonna win, and he’s been around for the longest and he’ll continue to be around after the Rock leaves again.  They don’t like each other, and they’ll see each other at Wrestlemania.  Good enough.

The Pulse:

Wow, that show was a whole lot of nothing. See you Sunday for Wrestlemania.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

And…we’re back.  As a reminder, as of Thursday this blog will be closed for a few days, so direct yourself to rspwfaq.livejournal.com for all your Blog of Doom needs over the weekend.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

Live from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler, plus Booker T because they were shooting Smackdown matches anyway.

Randy Orton & Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan & Kane

Oddly, the graphics show Orton, Sheamus and Bryan as Smackdown wrestlers, but Kane gets a RAW graphic for his name.  At what point did Kane move to RAW, exactly?  Orton makes out with AJ, but can’t use the inspiration to put Orton down.  Orton gets the Garvin Stomp and a clothesline for two, but Bryan tags out to Kane when Sheamus comes in.  Sheamus goes after Kane’s leg, but gets elbowed down, and Kane drops an elbow for one.  Sheamus goes up with the battering ram for one, but stops to chase Bryan and gets hit with a flying knee off the apron by Bryan.  And we take a break. Back with Bryan beating on Sheamus in the corner, but a blind charge misses and it’s hot tag Orton.  Powerslam for Bryan into the draping DDT, but Kane pulls Bryan out to save him.  This leads to Orton and Kane brawling  until Bryan gets a cheapshot, and Orton is YOUR douchbag in peril.  Kane with the corner clothesline for two.  Sideslam gets two.  Kane to the top with the flying clothesline, but Orton makes the hot tag to Sheamus.  He runs wild on Bryan and dumps Kane, leaving Sheamus and Bryan alone.  AJ comes in to plead for her man’s safety, and Kane chokeslams Sheamus behind the ref’s back to give Bryan the pin at 11:33.  Good long match to open the show.  ***1/4

Michael Cole joins us in the ring to announce that he has been named OFFICIAL COMMENTATOR for Team Johnny.  So Johnny Ace introduces the Official Flagbearer Vickie Guerrero (that’s gotta be a gigantic rib on Big Johnny) and David Otunga for a match, I guess.

David Otunga v. Santino Marella

Yay, this again.  Santino gets a facelock, but Otunga nails him with a clothesline from behind and stops to get into a flag-waving contest with Hornswoggle.  Naturally this leads to the Cobra at 1:25.  Santino is about to give Johnny the Cobra as well, but Miz attacks him to save, thus earning himself a spot on the team.  As with all the other GM battle segments, this was basically just an angle and not a match.

Hell In A Cell video package.  Still no word on HHH putting his career on the line, so I guess it’s not happening.

Eve Torres v. Kelly Kelly

I was really hoping the token Divas match would be AJ getting the belt from Beth Phoenix to pay off that storyline, but I guess that’s post-Wrestlemania.  That’s also more evidence that Bryan will retain the title, because the two of them as World champions would be too awesome for one show to contain.  Kelly gets a rollup for two, but Eve takes over with an armbar.  Kelly gets her stupid spinning headscissors and pounds away in the corner, but Eve shoves her down and then misses a moonsault, allowing Kelly to get the pin at 2:25.  If anyone cared about the Divas I’d say they should have put the heat on the heels before Wrestlemania, but there’s no illusions about it being any more than a bathroom break after Hell in a Cell anyway.

CM Punk v. Christian

Sadly, this is not the promised ONE MORE MATCH for Christian in exchange for his patronage on Team Johnny.  Chris Jericho appears and now has information about Punk’s mother:  She’s a kind and decent person with no vices whatsoever.  However, his parents were married late, so Punk is legally a bastard.  So with that, Christian attacks and tosses him, and pays the price when Punk kicks the shit out of him, showing fire he hasn’t had in months.  And he finishes the beating with a GTS onto the stairs, as the match is basically a no-contest with Punk snapping and putting the Vice on Christian until the ref pulls him off.  So now we know that Punk is PISSED and means business on Sunday.  Good stuff.

Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins

Shouldn’t Clay have moved up to the next tier of jobbers by now?  Hawkins clips him and actually gets a near-fall on him, but Clay bulldozes him with the usual and finishes with the splash at 0:55.

Big Show v. Primo

Are they seriously using the tag champions as job guys now?  Show tosses him around and chokeslams him at 0:41.  Epico takes one as well, but more importantly Cody Rhodes has a promo to cut.  And also, Christian is once again “injured” via Punk, so Team Johnny needs yet another final mystery member.

Meanwhile, the Bella Twins take different sides in the GM war, and Zack Ryder continues being a moron with Eve.

Mark Henry v. The Great Khali

Khali chops him down, but Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam at 0:41 to represent Team Johnny.  This proves to be merely a backdrop for a huge brawl between the two teams, as we now learn that Drew McIntyre is replacing Christian, and Booker T is the newest member of Team Teddy.

And finally, The Rock is out for the final verbal showdown with John Cena before Wrestlemania.  Rock talks about how everyone bugged him for 7 years about coming back again and how Betty White was throwing herself at him.  John Cena comes out for the rebuttal:  Everyone hates him, but he’s gonna win, and he’s been around for the longest and he’ll continue to be around after the Rock leaves again.  They don’t like each other, and they’ll see each other at Wrestlemania.  Good enough.

The Pulse:

Wow, that show was a whole lot of nothing. See you Sunday for Wrestlemania.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

And…we’re back.  As a reminder, as of Thursday this blog will be closed for a few days, so direct yourself to rspwfaq.livejournal.com for all your Blog of Doom needs over the weekend.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

Live from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler, plus Booker T because they were shooting Smackdown matches anyway.

Randy Orton & Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan & Kane

Oddly, the graphics show Orton, Sheamus and Bryan as Smackdown wrestlers, but Kane gets a RAW graphic for his name.  At what point did Kane move to RAW, exactly?  Orton makes out with AJ, but can’t use the inspiration to put Orton down.  Orton gets the Garvin Stomp and a clothesline for two, but Bryan tags out to Kane when Sheamus comes in.  Sheamus goes after Kane’s leg, but gets elbowed down, and Kane drops an elbow for one.  Sheamus goes up with the battering ram for one, but stops to chase Bryan and gets hit with a flying knee off the apron by Bryan.  And we take a break. Back with Bryan beating on Sheamus in the corner, but a blind charge misses and it’s hot tag Orton.  Powerslam for Bryan into the draping DDT, but Kane pulls Bryan out to save him.  This leads to Orton and Kane brawling  until Bryan gets a cheapshot, and Orton is YOUR douchbag in peril.  Kane with the corner clothesline for two.  Sideslam gets two.  Kane to the top with the flying clothesline, but Orton makes the hot tag to Sheamus.  He runs wild on Bryan and dumps Kane, leaving Sheamus and Bryan alone.  AJ comes in to plead for her man’s safety, and Kane chokeslams Sheamus behind the ref’s back to give Bryan the pin at 11:33.  Good long match to open the show.  ***1/4

Michael Cole joins us in the ring to announce that he has been named OFFICIAL COMMENTATOR for Team Johnny.  So Johnny Ace introduces the Official Flagbearer Vickie Guerrero (that’s gotta be a gigantic rib on Big Johnny) and David Otunga for a match, I guess.

David Otunga v. Santino Marella

Yay, this again.  Santino gets a facelock, but Otunga nails him with a clothesline from behind and stops to get into a flag-waving contest with Hornswoggle.  Naturally this leads to the Cobra at 1:25.  Santino is about to give Johnny the Cobra as well, but Miz attacks him to save, thus earning himself a spot on the team.  As with all the other GM battle segments, this was basically just an angle and not a match.

Hell In A Cell video package.  Still no word on HHH putting his career on the line, so I guess it’s not happening.

Eve Torres v. Kelly Kelly

I was really hoping the token Divas match would be AJ getting the belt from Beth Phoenix to pay off that storyline, but I guess that’s post-Wrestlemania.  That’s also more evidence that Bryan will retain the title, because the two of them as World champions would be too awesome for one show to contain.  Kelly gets a rollup for two, but Eve takes over with an armbar.  Kelly gets her stupid spinning headscissors and pounds away in the corner, but Eve shoves her down and then misses a moonsault, allowing Kelly to get the pin at 2:25.  If anyone cared about the Divas I’d say they should have put the heat on the heels before Wrestlemania, but there’s no illusions about it being any more than a bathroom break after Hell in a Cell anyway.

CM Punk v. Christian

Sadly, this is not the promised ONE MORE MATCH for Christian in exchange for his patronage on Team Johnny.  Chris Jericho appears and now has information about Punk’s mother:  She’s a kind and decent person with no vices whatsoever.  However, his parents were married late, so Punk is legally a bastard.  So with that, Christian attacks and tosses him, and pays the price when Punk kicks the shit out of him, showing fire he hasn’t had in months.  And he finishes the beating with a GTS onto the stairs, as the match is basically a no-contest with Punk snapping and putting the Vice on Christian until the ref pulls him off.  So now we know that Punk is PISSED and means business on Sunday.  Good stuff.

Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins

Shouldn’t Clay have moved up to the next tier of jobbers by now?  Hawkins clips him and actually gets a near-fall on him, but Clay bulldozes him with the usual and finishes with the splash at 0:55.

Big Show v. Primo

Are they seriously using the tag champions as job guys now?  Show tosses him around and chokeslams him at 0:41.  Epico takes one as well, but more importantly Cody Rhodes has a promo to cut.  And also, Christian is once again “injured” via Punk, so Team Johnny needs yet another final mystery member.

Meanwhile, the Bella Twins take different sides in the GM war, and Zack Ryder continues being a moron with Eve.

Mark Henry v. The Great Khali

Khali chops him down, but Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam at 0:41 to represent Team Johnny.  This proves to be merely a backdrop for a huge brawl between the two teams, as we now learn that Drew McIntyre is replacing Christian, and Booker T is the newest member of Team Teddy.

And finally, The Rock is out for the final verbal showdown with John Cena before Wrestlemania.  Rock talks about how everyone bugged him for 7 years about coming back again and how Betty White was throwing herself at him.  John Cena comes out for the rebuttal:  Everyone hates him, but he’s gonna win, and he’s been around for the longest and he’ll continue to be around after the Rock leaves again.  They don’t like each other, and they’ll see each other at Wrestlemania.  Good enough.

The Pulse:

Wow, that show was a whole lot of nothing. See you Sunday for Wrestlemania.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

And…we’re back.  As a reminder, as of Thursday this blog will be closed for a few days, so direct yourself to rspwfaq.livejournal.com for all your Blog of Doom needs over the weekend.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.26.12

Live from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler, plus Booker T because they were shooting Smackdown matches anyway.

Randy Orton & Sheamus v. Daniel Bryan & Kane

Oddly, the graphics show Orton, Sheamus and Bryan as Smackdown wrestlers, but Kane gets a RAW graphic for his name.  At what point did Kane move to RAW, exactly?  Orton makes out with AJ, but can’t use the inspiration to put Orton down.  Orton gets the Garvin Stomp and a clothesline for two, but Bryan tags out to Kane when Sheamus comes in.  Sheamus goes after Kane’s leg, but gets elbowed down, and Kane drops an elbow for one.  Sheamus goes up with the battering ram for one, but stops to chase Bryan and gets hit with a flying knee off the apron by Bryan.  And we take a break. Back with Bryan beating on Sheamus in the corner, but a blind charge misses and it’s hot tag Orton.  Powerslam for Bryan into the draping DDT, but Kane pulls Bryan out to save him.  This leads to Orton and Kane brawling  until Bryan gets a cheapshot, and Orton is YOUR douchbag in peril.  Kane with the corner clothesline for two.  Sideslam gets two.  Kane to the top with the flying clothesline, but Orton makes the hot tag to Sheamus.  He runs wild on Bryan and dumps Kane, leaving Sheamus and Bryan alone.  AJ comes in to plead for her man’s safety, and Kane chokeslams Sheamus behind the ref’s back to give Bryan the pin at 11:33.  Good long match to open the show.  ***1/4

Michael Cole joins us in the ring to announce that he has been named OFFICIAL COMMENTATOR for Team Johnny.  So Johnny Ace introduces the Official Flagbearer Vickie Guerrero (that’s gotta be a gigantic rib on Big Johnny) and David Otunga for a match, I guess.

David Otunga v. Santino Marella

Yay, this again.  Santino gets a facelock, but Otunga nails him with a clothesline from behind and stops to get into a flag-waving contest with Hornswoggle.  Naturally this leads to the Cobra at 1:25.  Santino is about to give Johnny the Cobra as well, but Miz attacks him to save, thus earning himself a spot on the team.  As with all the other GM battle segments, this was basically just an angle and not a match.

Hell In A Cell video package.  Still no word on HHH putting his career on the line, so I guess it’s not happening.

Eve Torres v. Kelly Kelly

I was really hoping the token Divas match would be AJ getting the belt from Beth Phoenix to pay off that storyline, but I guess that’s post-Wrestlemania.  That’s also more evidence that Bryan will retain the title, because the two of them as World champions would be too awesome for one show to contain.  Kelly gets a rollup for two, but Eve takes over with an armbar.  Kelly gets her stupid spinning headscissors and pounds away in the corner, but Eve shoves her down and then misses a moonsault, allowing Kelly to get the pin at 2:25.  If anyone cared about the Divas I’d say they should have put the heat on the heels before Wrestlemania, but there’s no illusions about it being any more than a bathroom break after Hell in a Cell anyway.

CM Punk v. Christian

Sadly, this is not the promised ONE MORE MATCH for Christian in exchange for his patronage on Team Johnny.  Chris Jericho appears and now has information about Punk’s mother:  She’s a kind and decent person with no vices whatsoever.  However, his parents were married late, so Punk is legally a bastard.  So with that, Christian attacks and tosses him, and pays the price when Punk kicks the shit out of him, showing fire he hasn’t had in months.  And he finishes the beating with a GTS onto the stairs, as the match is basically a no-contest with Punk snapping and putting the Vice on Christian until the ref pulls him off.  So now we know that Punk is PISSED and means business on Sunday.  Good stuff.

Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins

Shouldn’t Clay have moved up to the next tier of jobbers by now?  Hawkins clips him and actually gets a near-fall on him, but Clay bulldozes him with the usual and finishes with the splash at 0:55.

Big Show v. Primo

Are they seriously using the tag champions as job guys now?  Show tosses him around and chokeslams him at 0:41.  Epico takes one as well, but more importantly Cody Rhodes has a promo to cut.  And also, Christian is once again “injured” via Punk, so Team Johnny needs yet another final mystery member.

Meanwhile, the Bella Twins take different sides in the GM war, and Zack Ryder continues being a moron with Eve.

Mark Henry v. The Great Khali

Khali chops him down, but Henry hits the World’s Strongest Slam at 0:41 to represent Team Johnny.  This proves to be merely a backdrop for a huge brawl between the two teams, as we now learn that Drew McIntyre is replacing Christian, and Booker T is the newest member of Team Teddy.

And finally, The Rock is out for the final verbal showdown with John Cena before Wrestlemania.  Rock talks about how everyone bugged him for 7 years about coming back again and how Betty White was throwing herself at him.  John Cena comes out for the rebuttal:  Everyone hates him, but he’s gonna win, and he’s been around for the longest and he’ll continue to be around after the Rock leaves again.  They don’t like each other, and they’ll see each other at Wrestlemania.  Good enough.

The Pulse:

Wow, that show was a whole lot of nothing. See you Sunday for Wrestlemania.

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.22.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.22.12 Taped from Orlando, FL. Your hosts are Mike Tenay & TazzLet us take you back to Victory Road, where Bobby Roode lays out Sting and duct tapes him to the ropes, like an evil Red Green. Sadly, Roode’s verbal and physical abuse of Dixie Carter is hidden behind still frames, which somewhat lessens the impact. Pardon the pun. Dixie Carter joins us to start, and who the hell thought that putting her on TV as a character would be a good idea? She feels that she has no choice but to fire Roode, but Sting interrupts and DEMANDS that James Storm be allowed to get revenge on her behalf. And he can’t be the GM anymore, at which point we take a break. Who puts an ad break during an interview? Back with Sting now promising to get healed up and return as a full-time wrestler. So in his place: Hulk Hogan. Wasn’t that the guy who was supposedly driving the company into the ground in the storyline? X title: Austin Aries v. Zema Ion v. Anthony Nese v. Kid Kash Kash and Nemes are “in the ring to my left” here, so obviously they’re still focusing on Ion as the main challenger. Kash drops Nese with a suplex for two, and dodges a crossbody attempt. Nese dumps Kash, allowing Aries to come in with an elbow in the corner, but Nese hits a Broski Knee for two. Ion dumps Nese and goes with Aries, and Aries gets a double downward spiral on Nese & Ion for two. Everyone to the floor and Aries hits the suicide dive, but Kash dives at him in turn. Ion gets his dive, a moonsault, and Nese finishes the series with a nice hands-free backflip over the top onto the other three. Back in, they all stack up in the corner for a Tower of Doom spot, but Bully Ray runs in for the random DQ at 4:35. Ray lays out the three challengers and Aries is like “WTF?”, so Ray boots him down too. Just a bunch of spots with no finish. *1/2 Meanwhile, Mexican America have to play Repo Games to keep their car. Anarquia is very stupid and is unable to win his low rider back, so he offers to pay in cash once they win the tag titles tonight. I miss Homicide. Knockouts Tag Titles: ODB & Eric Young v. Rosita & Sarita I’d ask why Eric Young is holding the women’s tag titles, but it’s kind of a hopeless battle at this point, I think. Luckily even Tazz is questioning the sanity of Young being a tag champion in the women’s division. Young wants to start with Rosita, but ODB tags herself in and beats the hell out of her. She misses a broncobuster and Sarita takes over and flips her hair a lot. I suppose if you can’t work, at least learn to flip your hair properly. That’s the Kevin Nash theory of wrestling, for those keeping track. Rosita stomps away in the corner, and man she’s tiny. ODB fights them both off and it’s hot tag to Eric, which hardly seems fair. Young loses the pants and the women stop to admire his beard, which of course sends ODB into a jealous rage. They have a quarrel, but stop to make out before Young pins Rosita at 4:17. Who booked this crap? Especially when they can’t show man v. woman violence, so ODB is forced to work the entire match. And Eric Young is beating women half his size and we’re supposed to CHEER him? DUD Meanwhile, Crimson lets us know that he dumped Matt Morgan as a partner over a car insurance commercial, and a brawl erupts between them. That’s right up there Edge & Booker T feuding over shampoo in 2002. Meanwhile, Dixie Carter has no time to talk. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Joe Park Esquire, who still can’t find his brother. He can always make a living as a Penn Gillette impersonator if nothing else. A good Beer Money retrospective video sets up a James Storm interview. He wants to kick Roode’s ass at Lockdown and calls him out for a beating right now, but instead Roode sends out his legal advisor, William Kelly, who speaks with a British accent and so must be evil. He reads a prepared statement from Roode, who is home in Toronto, as Storm gets Chris Daniels & Kazarian tonight instead. And of course the lawyer gets superkicked. They should keep this character around, actually. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is IRATE that Garrett Bischoff is going around bragging about lasting 5 minutes with him last week, and challenges him to another match tonight. Bischoff better be careful or Angle will go crazy on Twitter and cut a drugged-out promo on him. Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle Bischoff’s dorky track pants remind of 1999 Shane McMahon without the bumps or entertainment value. So this week it’s a 3:00 challenge, as Angle is confident that he can tap Garrett out in that time. Shoving match burns up a whole minute and Bischoff gets some clotheslines and a terrible Ace Crusher for two. Angle dumps him to block a second attempt, so Garrett basically tells him that he’s going to run out the clock and runs away, but Gunner comes out for the DQ at 2:30. Really? Another DQ finish tonight? Jeff Hardy makes the save. DUD TNA Tag titles: Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Mexican America Why would Sarita & Rosita bother to change outfits in the 30 minutes they had between their match and this one? Joe pounds Hernandez into the corner to start and the champs do some nice double-teaming into a Joe senton for two. Magnus elbows Anarquia down and slugs him into the corner, but walks into a clothesline and the heels trap him in the corner. Hernandez gets a body vice into a backbreaker for two, and they get a double-team on the ropes for two. Hernandez with a bearhug and he gets two, but Anarquia misses a charge and Magnus comes back. Hot tag Joe and he walks away from a missile dropkick attempt and hits Hernandez with a Rock Bottom, then chokes out Anarquia. The chicks run interference, but the Repo Games guy comes out and repos them. Magnus gets rid of Hernandez and they finish Anarquia at 5:30. I don’t know why WWE hasn’t gone after Magnus by now – he’s got a great look and he’s a decent worker. This was fine and I’m glad to see Joe looking motivated again. ** Plus they can get some mileage out of this tag team thing before they split up them and do that feud. Meanwhile, Anarquia attacks the repo man and gets nowhere, resulting in the girls leaving with the guy from TV. James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian I’m not sure if this is a three-way or a handicap match or what. We’ll say handicap until proven otherwise. Kaz and Daniels argue over who gets to beat on Storm and take turns on him. That goes on for a while with no real momentum to the match, but Storm suddenly superkicks Kazarian off a mistake, and then finishes Daniels at 3:15. Another crap match in a series tonight. ½* Main event interview: Sting joins us again with Dixie Carter, wanting to know her decision. Sting, the dumbest man in wrestling, trusts Hogan implicitly, so Dixie gives in and allows Hogan to have the job. And before Hogan can even say anything, that’s the end of the show. Really? That’s their finish? The Pulse: I certainly picked the wrong show to review this week. Maybe they should bring Russo back. No, wait, I don’t want to say something I can’t take back. Big thumbs down.

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.22.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.22.12 Taped from Orlando, FL. Your hosts are Mike Tenay & TazzLet us take you back to Victory Road, where Bobby Roode lays out Sting and duct tapes him to the ropes, like an evil Red Green. Sadly, Roode’s verbal and physical abuse of Dixie Carter is hidden behind still frames, which somewhat lessens the impact. Pardon the pun. Dixie Carter joins us to start, and who the hell thought that putting her on TV as a character would be a good idea? She feels that she has no choice but to fire Roode, but Sting interrupts and DEMANDS that James Storm be allowed to get revenge on her behalf. And he can’t be the GM anymore, at which point we take a break. Who puts an ad break during an interview? Back with Sting now promising to get healed up and return as a full-time wrestler. So in his place: Hulk Hogan. Wasn’t that the guy who was supposedly driving the company into the ground in the storyline? X title: Austin Aries v. Zema Ion v. Anthony Nese v. Kid Kash Kash and Nemes are “in the ring to my left” here, so obviously they’re still focusing on Ion as the main challenger. Kash drops Nese with a suplex for two, and dodges a crossbody attempt. Nese dumps Kash, allowing Aries to come in with an elbow in the corner, but Nese hits a Broski Knee for two. Ion dumps Nese and goes with Aries, and Aries gets a double downward spiral on Nese & Ion for two. Everyone to the floor and Aries hits the suicide dive, but Kash dives at him in turn. Ion gets his dive, a moonsault, and Nese finishes the series with a nice hands-free backflip over the top onto the other three. Back in, they all stack up in the corner for a Tower of Doom spot, but Bully Ray runs in for the random DQ at 4:35. Ray lays out the three challengers and Aries is like “WTF?”, so Ray boots him down too. Just a bunch of spots with no finish. *1/2 Meanwhile, Mexican America have to play Repo Games to keep their car. Anarquia is very stupid and is unable to win his low rider back, so he offers to pay in cash once they win the tag titles tonight. I miss Homicide. Knockouts Tag Titles: ODB & Eric Young v. Rosita & Sarita I’d ask why Eric Young is holding the women’s tag titles, but it’s kind of a hopeless battle at this point, I think. Luckily even Tazz is questioning the sanity of Young being a tag champion in the women’s division. Young wants to start with Rosita, but ODB tags herself in and beats the hell out of her. She misses a broncobuster and Sarita takes over and flips her hair a lot. I suppose if you can’t work, at least learn to flip your hair properly. That’s the Kevin Nash theory of wrestling, for those keeping track. Rosita stomps away in the corner, and man she’s tiny. ODB fights them both off and it’s hot tag to Eric, which hardly seems fair. Young loses the pants and the women stop to admire his beard, which of course sends ODB into a jealous rage. They have a quarrel, but stop to make out before Young pins Rosita at 4:17. Who booked this crap? Especially when they can’t show man v. woman violence, so ODB is forced to work the entire match. And Eric Young is beating women half his size and we’re supposed to CHEER him? DUD Meanwhile, Crimson lets us know that he dumped Matt Morgan as a partner over a car insurance commercial, and a brawl erupts between them. That’s right up there Edge & Booker T feuding over shampoo in 2002. Meanwhile, Dixie Carter has no time to talk. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Joe Park Esquire, who still can’t find his brother. He can always make a living as a Penn Gillette impersonator if nothing else. A good Beer Money retrospective video sets up a James Storm interview. He wants to kick Roode’s ass at Lockdown and calls him out for a beating right now, but instead Roode sends out his legal advisor, William Kelly, who speaks with a British accent and so must be evil. He reads a prepared statement from Roode, who is home in Toronto, as Storm gets Chris Daniels & Kazarian tonight instead. And of course the lawyer gets superkicked. They should keep this character around, actually. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is IRATE that Garrett Bischoff is going around bragging about lasting 5 minutes with him last week, and challenges him to another match tonight. Bischoff better be careful or Angle will go crazy on Twitter and cut a drugged-out promo on him. Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle Bischoff’s dorky track pants remind of 1999 Shane McMahon without the bumps or entertainment value. So this week it’s a 3:00 challenge, as Angle is confident that he can tap Garrett out in that time. Shoving match burns up a whole minute and Bischoff gets some clotheslines and a terrible Ace Crusher for two. Angle dumps him to block a second attempt, so Garrett basically tells him that he’s going to run out the clock and runs away, but Gunner comes out for the DQ at 2:30. Really? Another DQ finish tonight? Jeff Hardy makes the save. DUD TNA Tag titles: Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Mexican America Why would Sarita & Rosita bother to change outfits in the 30 minutes they had between their match and this one? Joe pounds Hernandez into the corner to start and the champs do some nice double-teaming into a Joe senton for two. Magnus elbows Anarquia down and slugs him into the corner, but walks into a clothesline and the heels trap him in the corner. Hernandez gets a body vice into a backbreaker for two, and they get a double-team on the ropes for two. Hernandez with a bearhug and he gets two, but Anarquia misses a charge and Magnus comes back. Hot tag Joe and he walks away from a missile dropkick attempt and hits Hernandez with a Rock Bottom, then chokes out Anarquia. The chicks run interference, but the Repo Games guy comes out and repos them. Magnus gets rid of Hernandez and they finish Anarquia at 5:30. I don’t know why WWE hasn’t gone after Magnus by now – he’s got a great look and he’s a decent worker. This was fine and I’m glad to see Joe looking motivated again. ** Plus they can get some mileage out of this tag team thing before they split up them and do that feud. Meanwhile, Anarquia attacks the repo man and gets nowhere, resulting in the girls leaving with the guy from TV. James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian I’m not sure if this is a three-way or a handicap match or what. We’ll say handicap until proven otherwise. Kaz and Daniels argue over who gets to beat on Storm and take turns on him. That goes on for a while with no real momentum to the match, but Storm suddenly superkicks Kazarian off a mistake, and then finishes Daniels at 3:15. Another crap match in a series tonight. ½* Main event interview: Sting joins us again with Dixie Carter, wanting to know her decision. Sting, the dumbest man in wrestling, trusts Hogan implicitly, so Dixie gives in and allows Hogan to have the job. And before Hogan can even say anything, that’s the end of the show. Really? That’s their finish? The Pulse: I certainly picked the wrong show to review this week. Maybe they should bring Russo back. No, wait, I don’t want to say something I can’t take back. Big thumbs down.

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.22.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.22.12 Taped from Orlando, FL. Your hosts are Mike Tenay & TazzLet us take you back to Victory Road, where Bobby Roode lays out Sting and duct tapes him to the ropes, like an evil Red Green. Sadly, Roode’s verbal and physical abuse of Dixie Carter is hidden behind still frames, which somewhat lessens the impact. Pardon the pun. Dixie Carter joins us to start, and who the hell thought that putting her on TV as a character would be a good idea? She feels that she has no choice but to fire Roode, but Sting interrupts and DEMANDS that James Storm be allowed to get revenge on her behalf. And he can’t be the GM anymore, at which point we take a break. Who puts an ad break during an interview? Back with Sting now promising to get healed up and return as a full-time wrestler. So in his place: Hulk Hogan. Wasn’t that the guy who was supposedly driving the company into the ground in the storyline? X title: Austin Aries v. Zema Ion v. Anthony Nese v. Kid Kash Kash and Nemes are “in the ring to my left” here, so obviously they’re still focusing on Ion as the main challenger. Kash drops Nese with a suplex for two, and dodges a crossbody attempt. Nese dumps Kash, allowing Aries to come in with an elbow in the corner, but Nese hits a Broski Knee for two. Ion dumps Nese and goes with Aries, and Aries gets a double downward spiral on Nese & Ion for two. Everyone to the floor and Aries hits the suicide dive, but Kash dives at him in turn. Ion gets his dive, a moonsault, and Nese finishes the series with a nice hands-free backflip over the top onto the other three. Back in, they all stack up in the corner for a Tower of Doom spot, but Bully Ray runs in for the random DQ at 4:35. Ray lays out the three challengers and Aries is like “WTF?”, so Ray boots him down too. Just a bunch of spots with no finish. *1/2 Meanwhile, Mexican America have to play Repo Games to keep their car. Anarquia is very stupid and is unable to win his low rider back, so he offers to pay in cash once they win the tag titles tonight. I miss Homicide. Knockouts Tag Titles: ODB & Eric Young v. Rosita & Sarita I’d ask why Eric Young is holding the women’s tag titles, but it’s kind of a hopeless battle at this point, I think. Luckily even Tazz is questioning the sanity of Young being a tag champion in the women’s division. Young wants to start with Rosita, but ODB tags herself in and beats the hell out of her. She misses a broncobuster and Sarita takes over and flips her hair a lot. I suppose if you can’t work, at least learn to flip your hair properly. That’s the Kevin Nash theory of wrestling, for those keeping track. Rosita stomps away in the corner, and man she’s tiny. ODB fights them both off and it’s hot tag to Eric, which hardly seems fair. Young loses the pants and the women stop to admire his beard, which of course sends ODB into a jealous rage. They have a quarrel, but stop to make out before Young pins Rosita at 4:17. Who booked this crap? Especially when they can’t show man v. woman violence, so ODB is forced to work the entire match. And Eric Young is beating women half his size and we’re supposed to CHEER him? DUD Meanwhile, Crimson lets us know that he dumped Matt Morgan as a partner over a car insurance commercial, and a brawl erupts between them. That’s right up there Edge & Booker T feuding over shampoo in 2002. Meanwhile, Dixie Carter has no time to talk. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Joe Park Esquire, who still can’t find his brother. He can always make a living as a Penn Gillette impersonator if nothing else. A good Beer Money retrospective video sets up a James Storm interview. He wants to kick Roode’s ass at Lockdown and calls him out for a beating right now, but instead Roode sends out his legal advisor, William Kelly, who speaks with a British accent and so must be evil. He reads a prepared statement from Roode, who is home in Toronto, as Storm gets Chris Daniels & Kazarian tonight instead. And of course the lawyer gets superkicked. They should keep this character around, actually. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is IRATE that Garrett Bischoff is going around bragging about lasting 5 minutes with him last week, and challenges him to another match tonight. Bischoff better be careful or Angle will go crazy on Twitter and cut a drugged-out promo on him. Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle Bischoff’s dorky track pants remind of 1999 Shane McMahon without the bumps or entertainment value. So this week it’s a 3:00 challenge, as Angle is confident that he can tap Garrett out in that time. Shoving match burns up a whole minute and Bischoff gets some clotheslines and a terrible Ace Crusher for two. Angle dumps him to block a second attempt, so Garrett basically tells him that he’s going to run out the clock and runs away, but Gunner comes out for the DQ at 2:30. Really? Another DQ finish tonight? Jeff Hardy makes the save. DUD TNA Tag titles: Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Mexican America Why would Sarita & Rosita bother to change outfits in the 30 minutes they had between their match and this one? Joe pounds Hernandez into the corner to start and the champs do some nice double-teaming into a Joe senton for two. Magnus elbows Anarquia down and slugs him into the corner, but walks into a clothesline and the heels trap him in the corner. Hernandez gets a body vice into a backbreaker for two, and they get a double-team on the ropes for two. Hernandez with a bearhug and he gets two, but Anarquia misses a charge and Magnus comes back. Hot tag Joe and he walks away from a missile dropkick attempt and hits Hernandez with a Rock Bottom, then chokes out Anarquia. The chicks run interference, but the Repo Games guy comes out and repos them. Magnus gets rid of Hernandez and they finish Anarquia at 5:30. I don’t know why WWE hasn’t gone after Magnus by now – he’s got a great look and he’s a decent worker. This was fine and I’m glad to see Joe looking motivated again. ** Plus they can get some mileage out of this tag team thing before they split up them and do that feud. Meanwhile, Anarquia attacks the repo man and gets nowhere, resulting in the girls leaving with the guy from TV. James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian I’m not sure if this is a three-way or a handicap match or what. We’ll say handicap until proven otherwise. Kaz and Daniels argue over who gets to beat on Storm and take turns on him. That goes on for a while with no real momentum to the match, but Storm suddenly superkicks Kazarian off a mistake, and then finishes Daniels at 3:15. Another crap match in a series tonight. ½* Main event interview: Sting joins us again with Dixie Carter, wanting to know her decision. Sting, the dumbest man in wrestling, trusts Hogan implicitly, so Dixie gives in and allows Hogan to have the job. And before Hogan can even say anything, that’s the end of the show. Really? That’s their finish? The Pulse: I certainly picked the wrong show to review this week. Maybe they should bring Russo back. No, wait, I don’t want to say something I can’t take back. Big thumbs down.

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.22.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.22.12 Taped from Orlando, FL. Your hosts are Mike Tenay & TazzLet us take you back to Victory Road, where Bobby Roode lays out Sting and duct tapes him to the ropes, like an evil Red Green. Sadly, Roode’s verbal and physical abuse of Dixie Carter is hidden behind still frames, which somewhat lessens the impact. Pardon the pun. Dixie Carter joins us to start, and who the hell thought that putting her on TV as a character would be a good idea? She feels that she has no choice but to fire Roode, but Sting interrupts and DEMANDS that James Storm be allowed to get revenge on her behalf. And he can’t be the GM anymore, at which point we take a break. Who puts an ad break during an interview? Back with Sting now promising to get healed up and return as a full-time wrestler. So in his place: Hulk Hogan. Wasn’t that the guy who was supposedly driving the company into the ground in the storyline? X title: Austin Aries v. Zema Ion v. Anthony Nese v. Kid Kash Kash and Nemes are “in the ring to my left” here, so obviously they’re still focusing on Ion as the main challenger. Kash drops Nese with a suplex for two, and dodges a crossbody attempt. Nese dumps Kash, allowing Aries to come in with an elbow in the corner, but Nese hits a Broski Knee for two. Ion dumps Nese and goes with Aries, and Aries gets a double downward spiral on Nese & Ion for two. Everyone to the floor and Aries hits the suicide dive, but Kash dives at him in turn. Ion gets his dive, a moonsault, and Nese finishes the series with a nice hands-free backflip over the top onto the other three. Back in, they all stack up in the corner for a Tower of Doom spot, but Bully Ray runs in for the random DQ at 4:35. Ray lays out the three challengers and Aries is like “WTF?”, so Ray boots him down too. Just a bunch of spots with no finish. *1/2 Meanwhile, Mexican America have to play Repo Games to keep their car. Anarquia is very stupid and is unable to win his low rider back, so he offers to pay in cash once they win the tag titles tonight. I miss Homicide. Knockouts Tag Titles: ODB & Eric Young v. Rosita & Sarita I’d ask why Eric Young is holding the women’s tag titles, but it’s kind of a hopeless battle at this point, I think. Luckily even Tazz is questioning the sanity of Young being a tag champion in the women’s division. Young wants to start with Rosita, but ODB tags herself in and beats the hell out of her. She misses a broncobuster and Sarita takes over and flips her hair a lot. I suppose if you can’t work, at least learn to flip your hair properly. That’s the Kevin Nash theory of wrestling, for those keeping track. Rosita stomps away in the corner, and man she’s tiny. ODB fights them both off and it’s hot tag to Eric, which hardly seems fair. Young loses the pants and the women stop to admire his beard, which of course sends ODB into a jealous rage. They have a quarrel, but stop to make out before Young pins Rosita at 4:17. Who booked this crap? Especially when they can’t show man v. woman violence, so ODB is forced to work the entire match. And Eric Young is beating women half his size and we’re supposed to CHEER him? DUD Meanwhile, Crimson lets us know that he dumped Matt Morgan as a partner over a car insurance commercial, and a brawl erupts between them. That’s right up there Edge & Booker T feuding over shampoo in 2002. Meanwhile, Dixie Carter has no time to talk. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Joe Park Esquire, who still can’t find his brother. He can always make a living as a Penn Gillette impersonator if nothing else. A good Beer Money retrospective video sets up a James Storm interview. He wants to kick Roode’s ass at Lockdown and calls him out for a beating right now, but instead Roode sends out his legal advisor, William Kelly, who speaks with a British accent and so must be evil. He reads a prepared statement from Roode, who is home in Toronto, as Storm gets Chris Daniels & Kazarian tonight instead. And of course the lawyer gets superkicked. They should keep this character around, actually. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is IRATE that Garrett Bischoff is going around bragging about lasting 5 minutes with him last week, and challenges him to another match tonight. Bischoff better be careful or Angle will go crazy on Twitter and cut a drugged-out promo on him. Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle Bischoff’s dorky track pants remind of 1999 Shane McMahon without the bumps or entertainment value. So this week it’s a 3:00 challenge, as Angle is confident that he can tap Garrett out in that time. Shoving match burns up a whole minute and Bischoff gets some clotheslines and a terrible Ace Crusher for two. Angle dumps him to block a second attempt, so Garrett basically tells him that he’s going to run out the clock and runs away, but Gunner comes out for the DQ at 2:30. Really? Another DQ finish tonight? Jeff Hardy makes the save. DUD TNA Tag titles: Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Mexican America Why would Sarita & Rosita bother to change outfits in the 30 minutes they had between their match and this one? Joe pounds Hernandez into the corner to start and the champs do some nice double-teaming into a Joe senton for two. Magnus elbows Anarquia down and slugs him into the corner, but walks into a clothesline and the heels trap him in the corner. Hernandez gets a body vice into a backbreaker for two, and they get a double-team on the ropes for two. Hernandez with a bearhug and he gets two, but Anarquia misses a charge and Magnus comes back. Hot tag Joe and he walks away from a missile dropkick attempt and hits Hernandez with a Rock Bottom, then chokes out Anarquia. The chicks run interference, but the Repo Games guy comes out and repos them. Magnus gets rid of Hernandez and they finish Anarquia at 5:30. I don’t know why WWE hasn’t gone after Magnus by now – he’s got a great look and he’s a decent worker. This was fine and I’m glad to see Joe looking motivated again. ** Plus they can get some mileage out of this tag team thing before they split up them and do that feud. Meanwhile, Anarquia attacks the repo man and gets nowhere, resulting in the girls leaving with the guy from TV. James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian I’m not sure if this is a three-way or a handicap match or what. We’ll say handicap until proven otherwise. Kaz and Daniels argue over who gets to beat on Storm and take turns on him. That goes on for a while with no real momentum to the match, but Storm suddenly superkicks Kazarian off a mistake, and then finishes Daniels at 3:15. Another crap match in a series tonight. ½* Main event interview: Sting joins us again with Dixie Carter, wanting to know her decision. Sting, the dumbest man in wrestling, trusts Hogan implicitly, so Dixie gives in and allows Hogan to have the job. And before Hogan can even say anything, that’s the end of the show. Really? That’s their finish? The Pulse: I certainly picked the wrong show to review this week. Maybe they should bring Russo back. No, wait, I don’t want to say something I can’t take back. Big thumbs down.

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.22.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.22.12 Taped from Orlando, FL. Your hosts are Mike Tenay & TazzLet us take you back to Victory Road, where Bobby Roode lays out Sting and duct tapes him to the ropes, like an evil Red Green. Sadly, Roode’s verbal and physical abuse of Dixie Carter is hidden behind still frames, which somewhat lessens the impact. Pardon the pun. Dixie Carter joins us to start, and who the hell thought that putting her on TV as a character would be a good idea? She feels that she has no choice but to fire Roode, but Sting interrupts and DEMANDS that James Storm be allowed to get revenge on her behalf. And he can’t be the GM anymore, at which point we take a break. Who puts an ad break during an interview? Back with Sting now promising to get healed up and return as a full-time wrestler. So in his place: Hulk Hogan. Wasn’t that the guy who was supposedly driving the company into the ground in the storyline? X title: Austin Aries v. Zema Ion v. Anthony Nese v. Kid Kash Kash and Nemes are “in the ring to my left” here, so obviously they’re still focusing on Ion as the main challenger. Kash drops Nese with a suplex for two, and dodges a crossbody attempt. Nese dumps Kash, allowing Aries to come in with an elbow in the corner, but Nese hits a Broski Knee for two. Ion dumps Nese and goes with Aries, and Aries gets a double downward spiral on Nese & Ion for two. Everyone to the floor and Aries hits the suicide dive, but Kash dives at him in turn. Ion gets his dive, a moonsault, and Nese finishes the series with a nice hands-free backflip over the top onto the other three. Back in, they all stack up in the corner for a Tower of Doom spot, but Bully Ray runs in for the random DQ at 4:35. Ray lays out the three challengers and Aries is like “WTF?”, so Ray boots him down too. Just a bunch of spots with no finish. *1/2 Meanwhile, Mexican America have to play Repo Games to keep their car. Anarquia is very stupid and is unable to win his low rider back, so he offers to pay in cash once they win the tag titles tonight. I miss Homicide. Knockouts Tag Titles: ODB & Eric Young v. Rosita & Sarita I’d ask why Eric Young is holding the women’s tag titles, but it’s kind of a hopeless battle at this point, I think. Luckily even Tazz is questioning the sanity of Young being a tag champion in the women’s division. Young wants to start with Rosita, but ODB tags herself in and beats the hell out of her. She misses a broncobuster and Sarita takes over and flips her hair a lot. I suppose if you can’t work, at least learn to flip your hair properly. That’s the Kevin Nash theory of wrestling, for those keeping track. Rosita stomps away in the corner, and man she’s tiny. ODB fights them both off and it’s hot tag to Eric, which hardly seems fair. Young loses the pants and the women stop to admire his beard, which of course sends ODB into a jealous rage. They have a quarrel, but stop to make out before Young pins Rosita at 4:17. Who booked this crap? Especially when they can’t show man v. woman violence, so ODB is forced to work the entire match. And Eric Young is beating women half his size and we’re supposed to CHEER him? DUD Meanwhile, Crimson lets us know that he dumped Matt Morgan as a partner over a car insurance commercial, and a brawl erupts between them. That’s right up there Edge & Booker T feuding over shampoo in 2002. Meanwhile, Dixie Carter has no time to talk. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Joe Park Esquire, who still can’t find his brother. He can always make a living as a Penn Gillette impersonator if nothing else. A good Beer Money retrospective video sets up a James Storm interview. He wants to kick Roode’s ass at Lockdown and calls him out for a beating right now, but instead Roode sends out his legal advisor, William Kelly, who speaks with a British accent and so must be evil. He reads a prepared statement from Roode, who is home in Toronto, as Storm gets Chris Daniels & Kazarian tonight instead. And of course the lawyer gets superkicked. They should keep this character around, actually. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is IRATE that Garrett Bischoff is going around bragging about lasting 5 minutes with him last week, and challenges him to another match tonight. Bischoff better be careful or Angle will go crazy on Twitter and cut a drugged-out promo on him. Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle Bischoff’s dorky track pants remind of 1999 Shane McMahon without the bumps or entertainment value. So this week it’s a 3:00 challenge, as Angle is confident that he can tap Garrett out in that time. Shoving match burns up a whole minute and Bischoff gets some clotheslines and a terrible Ace Crusher for two. Angle dumps him to block a second attempt, so Garrett basically tells him that he’s going to run out the clock and runs away, but Gunner comes out for the DQ at 2:30. Really? Another DQ finish tonight? Jeff Hardy makes the save. DUD TNA Tag titles: Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Mexican America Why would Sarita & Rosita bother to change outfits in the 30 minutes they had between their match and this one? Joe pounds Hernandez into the corner to start and the champs do some nice double-teaming into a Joe senton for two. Magnus elbows Anarquia down and slugs him into the corner, but walks into a clothesline and the heels trap him in the corner. Hernandez gets a body vice into a backbreaker for two, and they get a double-team on the ropes for two. Hernandez with a bearhug and he gets two, but Anarquia misses a charge and Magnus comes back. Hot tag Joe and he walks away from a missile dropkick attempt and hits Hernandez with a Rock Bottom, then chokes out Anarquia. The chicks run interference, but the Repo Games guy comes out and repos them. Magnus gets rid of Hernandez and they finish Anarquia at 5:30. I don’t know why WWE hasn’t gone after Magnus by now – he’s got a great look and he’s a decent worker. This was fine and I’m glad to see Joe looking motivated again. ** Plus they can get some mileage out of this tag team thing before they split up them and do that feud. Meanwhile, Anarquia attacks the repo man and gets nowhere, resulting in the girls leaving with the guy from TV. James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian I’m not sure if this is a three-way or a handicap match or what. We’ll say handicap until proven otherwise. Kaz and Daniels argue over who gets to beat on Storm and take turns on him. That goes on for a while with no real momentum to the match, but Storm suddenly superkicks Kazarian off a mistake, and then finishes Daniels at 3:15. Another crap match in a series tonight. ½* Main event interview: Sting joins us again with Dixie Carter, wanting to know her decision. Sting, the dumbest man in wrestling, trusts Hogan implicitly, so Dixie gives in and allows Hogan to have the job. And before Hogan can even say anything, that’s the end of the show. Really? That’s their finish? The Pulse: I certainly picked the wrong show to review this week. Maybe they should bring Russo back. No, wait, I don’t want to say something I can’t take back. Big thumbs down.

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.22.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.22.12 Taped from Orlando, FL. Your hosts are Mike Tenay & TazzLet us take you back to Victory Road, where Bobby Roode lays out Sting and duct tapes him to the ropes, like an evil Red Green. Sadly, Roode’s verbal and physical abuse of Dixie Carter is hidden behind still frames, which somewhat lessens the impact. Pardon the pun. Dixie Carter joins us to start, and who the hell thought that putting her on TV as a character would be a good idea? She feels that she has no choice but to fire Roode, but Sting interrupts and DEMANDS that James Storm be allowed to get revenge on her behalf. And he can’t be the GM anymore, at which point we take a break. Who puts an ad break during an interview? Back with Sting now promising to get healed up and return as a full-time wrestler. So in his place: Hulk Hogan. Wasn’t that the guy who was supposedly driving the company into the ground in the storyline? X title: Austin Aries v. Zema Ion v. Anthony Nese v. Kid Kash Kash and Nemes are “in the ring to my left” here, so obviously they’re still focusing on Ion as the main challenger. Kash drops Nese with a suplex for two, and dodges a crossbody attempt. Nese dumps Kash, allowing Aries to come in with an elbow in the corner, but Nese hits a Broski Knee for two. Ion dumps Nese and goes with Aries, and Aries gets a double downward spiral on Nese & Ion for two. Everyone to the floor and Aries hits the suicide dive, but Kash dives at him in turn. Ion gets his dive, a moonsault, and Nese finishes the series with a nice hands-free backflip over the top onto the other three. Back in, they all stack up in the corner for a Tower of Doom spot, but Bully Ray runs in for the random DQ at 4:35. Ray lays out the three challengers and Aries is like “WTF?”, so Ray boots him down too. Just a bunch of spots with no finish. *1/2 Meanwhile, Mexican America have to play Repo Games to keep their car. Anarquia is very stupid and is unable to win his low rider back, so he offers to pay in cash once they win the tag titles tonight. I miss Homicide. Knockouts Tag Titles: ODB & Eric Young v. Rosita & Sarita I’d ask why Eric Young is holding the women’s tag titles, but it’s kind of a hopeless battle at this point, I think. Luckily even Tazz is questioning the sanity of Young being a tag champion in the women’s division. Young wants to start with Rosita, but ODB tags herself in and beats the hell out of her. She misses a broncobuster and Sarita takes over and flips her hair a lot. I suppose if you can’t work, at least learn to flip your hair properly. That’s the Kevin Nash theory of wrestling, for those keeping track. Rosita stomps away in the corner, and man she’s tiny. ODB fights them both off and it’s hot tag to Eric, which hardly seems fair. Young loses the pants and the women stop to admire his beard, which of course sends ODB into a jealous rage. They have a quarrel, but stop to make out before Young pins Rosita at 4:17. Who booked this crap? Especially when they can’t show man v. woman violence, so ODB is forced to work the entire match. And Eric Young is beating women half his size and we’re supposed to CHEER him? DUD Meanwhile, Crimson lets us know that he dumped Matt Morgan as a partner over a car insurance commercial, and a brawl erupts between them. That’s right up there Edge & Booker T feuding over shampoo in 2002. Meanwhile, Dixie Carter has no time to talk. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Joe Park Esquire, who still can’t find his brother. He can always make a living as a Penn Gillette impersonator if nothing else. A good Beer Money retrospective video sets up a James Storm interview. He wants to kick Roode’s ass at Lockdown and calls him out for a beating right now, but instead Roode sends out his legal advisor, William Kelly, who speaks with a British accent and so must be evil. He reads a prepared statement from Roode, who is home in Toronto, as Storm gets Chris Daniels & Kazarian tonight instead. And of course the lawyer gets superkicked. They should keep this character around, actually. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is IRATE that Garrett Bischoff is going around bragging about lasting 5 minutes with him last week, and challenges him to another match tonight. Bischoff better be careful or Angle will go crazy on Twitter and cut a drugged-out promo on him. Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle Bischoff’s dorky track pants remind of 1999 Shane McMahon without the bumps or entertainment value. So this week it’s a 3:00 challenge, as Angle is confident that he can tap Garrett out in that time. Shoving match burns up a whole minute and Bischoff gets some clotheslines and a terrible Ace Crusher for two. Angle dumps him to block a second attempt, so Garrett basically tells him that he’s going to run out the clock and runs away, but Gunner comes out for the DQ at 2:30. Really? Another DQ finish tonight? Jeff Hardy makes the save. DUD TNA Tag titles: Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Mexican America Why would Sarita & Rosita bother to change outfits in the 30 minutes they had between their match and this one? Joe pounds Hernandez into the corner to start and the champs do some nice double-teaming into a Joe senton for two. Magnus elbows Anarquia down and slugs him into the corner, but walks into a clothesline and the heels trap him in the corner. Hernandez gets a body vice into a backbreaker for two, and they get a double-team on the ropes for two. Hernandez with a bearhug and he gets two, but Anarquia misses a charge and Magnus comes back. Hot tag Joe and he walks away from a missile dropkick attempt and hits Hernandez with a Rock Bottom, then chokes out Anarquia. The chicks run interference, but the Repo Games guy comes out and repos them. Magnus gets rid of Hernandez and they finish Anarquia at 5:30. I don’t know why WWE hasn’t gone after Magnus by now – he’s got a great look and he’s a decent worker. This was fine and I’m glad to see Joe looking motivated again. ** Plus they can get some mileage out of this tag team thing before they split up them and do that feud. Meanwhile, Anarquia attacks the repo man and gets nowhere, resulting in the girls leaving with the guy from TV. James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian I’m not sure if this is a three-way or a handicap match or what. We’ll say handicap until proven otherwise. Kaz and Daniels argue over who gets to beat on Storm and take turns on him. That goes on for a while with no real momentum to the match, but Storm suddenly superkicks Kazarian off a mistake, and then finishes Daniels at 3:15. Another crap match in a series tonight. ½* Main event interview: Sting joins us again with Dixie Carter, wanting to know her decision. Sting, the dumbest man in wrestling, trusts Hogan implicitly, so Dixie gives in and allows Hogan to have the job. And before Hogan can even say anything, that’s the end of the show. Really? That’s their finish? The Pulse: I certainly picked the wrong show to review this week. Maybe they should bring Russo back. No, wait, I don’t want to say something I can’t take back. Big thumbs down.

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–03.22.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 03.22.12 Taped from Orlando, FL. Your hosts are Mike Tenay & TazzLet us take you back to Victory Road, where Bobby Roode lays out Sting and duct tapes him to the ropes, like an evil Red Green. Sadly, Roode’s verbal and physical abuse of Dixie Carter is hidden behind still frames, which somewhat lessens the impact. Pardon the pun. Dixie Carter joins us to start, and who the hell thought that putting her on TV as a character would be a good idea? She feels that she has no choice but to fire Roode, but Sting interrupts and DEMANDS that James Storm be allowed to get revenge on her behalf. And he can’t be the GM anymore, at which point we take a break. Who puts an ad break during an interview? Back with Sting now promising to get healed up and return as a full-time wrestler. So in his place: Hulk Hogan. Wasn’t that the guy who was supposedly driving the company into the ground in the storyline? X title: Austin Aries v. Zema Ion v. Anthony Nese v. Kid Kash Kash and Nemes are “in the ring to my left” here, so obviously they’re still focusing on Ion as the main challenger. Kash drops Nese with a suplex for two, and dodges a crossbody attempt. Nese dumps Kash, allowing Aries to come in with an elbow in the corner, but Nese hits a Broski Knee for two. Ion dumps Nese and goes with Aries, and Aries gets a double downward spiral on Nese & Ion for two. Everyone to the floor and Aries hits the suicide dive, but Kash dives at him in turn. Ion gets his dive, a moonsault, and Nese finishes the series with a nice hands-free backflip over the top onto the other three. Back in, they all stack up in the corner for a Tower of Doom spot, but Bully Ray runs in for the random DQ at 4:35. Ray lays out the three challengers and Aries is like “WTF?”, so Ray boots him down too. Just a bunch of spots with no finish. *1/2 Meanwhile, Mexican America have to play Repo Games to keep their car. Anarquia is very stupid and is unable to win his low rider back, so he offers to pay in cash once they win the tag titles tonight. I miss Homicide. Knockouts Tag Titles: ODB & Eric Young v. Rosita & Sarita I’d ask why Eric Young is holding the women’s tag titles, but it’s kind of a hopeless battle at this point, I think. Luckily even Tazz is questioning the sanity of Young being a tag champion in the women’s division. Young wants to start with Rosita, but ODB tags herself in and beats the hell out of her. She misses a broncobuster and Sarita takes over and flips her hair a lot. I suppose if you can’t work, at least learn to flip your hair properly. That’s the Kevin Nash theory of wrestling, for those keeping track. Rosita stomps away in the corner, and man she’s tiny. ODB fights them both off and it’s hot tag to Eric, which hardly seems fair. Young loses the pants and the women stop to admire his beard, which of course sends ODB into a jealous rage. They have a quarrel, but stop to make out before Young pins Rosita at 4:17. Who booked this crap? Especially when they can’t show man v. woman violence, so ODB is forced to work the entire match. And Eric Young is beating women half his size and we’re supposed to CHEER him? DUD Meanwhile, Crimson lets us know that he dumped Matt Morgan as a partner over a car insurance commercial, and a brawl erupts between them. That’s right up there Edge & Booker T feuding over shampoo in 2002. Meanwhile, Dixie Carter has no time to talk. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy meets up with Joe Park Esquire, who still can’t find his brother. He can always make a living as a Penn Gillette impersonator if nothing else. A good Beer Money retrospective video sets up a James Storm interview. He wants to kick Roode’s ass at Lockdown and calls him out for a beating right now, but instead Roode sends out his legal advisor, William Kelly, who speaks with a British accent and so must be evil. He reads a prepared statement from Roode, who is home in Toronto, as Storm gets Chris Daniels & Kazarian tonight instead. And of course the lawyer gets superkicked. They should keep this character around, actually. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle is IRATE that Garrett Bischoff is going around bragging about lasting 5 minutes with him last week, and challenges him to another match tonight. Bischoff better be careful or Angle will go crazy on Twitter and cut a drugged-out promo on him. Garrett Bischoff v. Kurt Angle Bischoff’s dorky track pants remind of 1999 Shane McMahon without the bumps or entertainment value. So this week it’s a 3:00 challenge, as Angle is confident that he can tap Garrett out in that time. Shoving match burns up a whole minute and Bischoff gets some clotheslines and a terrible Ace Crusher for two. Angle dumps him to block a second attempt, so Garrett basically tells him that he’s going to run out the clock and runs away, but Gunner comes out for the DQ at 2:30. Really? Another DQ finish tonight? Jeff Hardy makes the save. DUD TNA Tag titles: Samoa Joe & Magnus v. Mexican America Why would Sarita & Rosita bother to change outfits in the 30 minutes they had between their match and this one? Joe pounds Hernandez into the corner to start and the champs do some nice double-teaming into a Joe senton for two. Magnus elbows Anarquia down and slugs him into the corner, but walks into a clothesline and the heels trap him in the corner. Hernandez gets a body vice into a backbreaker for two, and they get a double-team on the ropes for two. Hernandez with a bearhug and he gets two, but Anarquia misses a charge and Magnus comes back. Hot tag Joe and he walks away from a missile dropkick attempt and hits Hernandez with a Rock Bottom, then chokes out Anarquia. The chicks run interference, but the Repo Games guy comes out and repos them. Magnus gets rid of Hernandez and they finish Anarquia at 5:30. I don’t know why WWE hasn’t gone after Magnus by now – he’s got a great look and he’s a decent worker. This was fine and I’m glad to see Joe looking motivated again. ** Plus they can get some mileage out of this tag team thing before they split up them and do that feud. Meanwhile, Anarquia attacks the repo man and gets nowhere, resulting in the girls leaving with the guy from TV. James Storm v. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian I’m not sure if this is a three-way or a handicap match or what. We’ll say handicap until proven otherwise. Kaz and Daniels argue over who gets to beat on Storm and take turns on him. That goes on for a while with no real momentum to the match, but Storm suddenly superkicks Kazarian off a mistake, and then finishes Daniels at 3:15. Another crap match in a series tonight. ½* Main event interview: Sting joins us again with Dixie Carter, wanting to know her decision. Sting, the dumbest man in wrestling, trusts Hogan implicitly, so Dixie gives in and allows Hogan to have the job. And before Hogan can even say anything, that’s the end of the show. Really? That’s their finish? The Pulse: I certainly picked the wrong show to review this week. Maybe they should bring Russo back. No, wait, I don’t want to say something I can’t take back. Big thumbs down.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant–03.19.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.19.12 Live from Philadelphia, PA Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry LawlerCM Punk is out to talk about Jericho’s talking about his daddy.  But he wants everyone to know that even if you’re a kid who got dealt a crappy hand in life, you can still be great like him.  Life is about obstacles, and Jericho is just another one for Punk to overcome.  Jericho pops up via satellite to offer his apologies for crossing the line last week and saying things about his father.  However, his SISTER is a whole other story.  That was some evil glee when he delivered the line.  Punk has some bleeped retorts to end things.  This was a much better turn for the story, because it’s about Jericho being an ass rather than any soap opera secrets and such. Kane v. Big Show My dreams are still haunted by their match at King of the Ring 99.  Cody shows a highlight reel of Show’s Wrestlemania follies, and then distracts Show long enough for a Kane chokeslam and pin at 0:52. Cody re-enacts the Mayweather loss, by tying up Show and boxing him, with gloves mind you, until refs break it up.  Feels like they’ve run out of stuff to do with this feud and there’s still another two weeks until the show. David Otunga v. Santino It kind of drives me nuts that they put the US title on Santino and then make it a prop for this GM feud.  Santino shows us his (painted) abs as they pose off to start, but Santino hurts his leg in the process and Otunga attacks him.  Santino quickly comes back with the cobra and SMASHES JOHNNY’S CELL PHONE, allowing Otunga to hit the spinebuster for the pin at 1:43 (maybe 30 seconds without the posedown) and Cole to say “building momentum.”  Is it 1999 again with these 30 second matches and I missed the memo?  Of course he pinned the US champion and it means nothing.  That’s Big Johnny’s personal property!  Teddy gets his revenge by doing the thuggin’ and buggin’ dance at the top of the ramp.  That’ll show him. Lord Tensai, a bald guy with Japanese ties, is apparently coming, which makes all the denials from Matt Bloom seem pretty silly. Meanwhile, at the Rocky statue, the Rock has come back to Philly.  Rock talks about watching the legends in Philly and headlining his first Wrestlemania here in 99.  He beat those legends and now he needs to beat Cena to cement his legacy.  Cheesesteak will be shoved up Cena’s candy ass tonight and all the legends (including Randy Savage from heaven) will pay tribute to him.  You know, a heel cutting a promo this bombastic would come across as a huge jerk, but I guess that’s part of Rocky’s charm. Daniel Bryan v. Zack Ryder Wait, Zack Ryder is a WRESTLER?  It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten.  Bryan stomps him down and goes to a chinlock as Cole talks about what a loser Ryder has become.  Zack comes back with the Broski Boot, but taps to the Lebell Lock at 1:39.  That’s quite the return for Ryder.  ½* John Cena v. Mark Henry Mark overpowers Cena and pounds him down in the corner, then beats on him outside as we take a break.  Back with Henry winning a test of strength and hitting a big splash for two.  Blind charge misses and Cena gets the backdrop suplex and five knuckle shuffle, and the FU finishes at 7:45.  Not bad, these guys could do some business together after Wrestlemania if they give it enough time for people to forget about this one.  **1/2  Rock runs in after the win and delivers a Rock Bottom to Henry. Meanwhile, Beth Phoenix and Eve challenge Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos for Wrestlemania.  Should be a fine nacho break match. The Miz is talking again.  Yay.  The topic is guys going from Wrestlemania main event to doing nothing the next year, and he’s still determined to get onto Team Johnny. The Miz v. Sheamus Sheamus pounds Miz down and fights off the DDT attempt with a Regal Roll for two.  Miz comes back with a neckbreaker and chokes him out on the ropes, setting up a low kick for two.  Miz goes to a lengthy chinlock and appears to be reading an audio book to Sheamus before Sheamus comes back with a powerslam to escape.  Brogue kick kills Miz deader than his career at 2:53.  *1/2  Cole calls Sheamus “The Dublin Destroyer”, which is a much better wrestling name than “The Great White”.  They should switch to that. Randy Orton comes out for a promo on the stage, and reminds us that his name is Randy Orton.  Good to know. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger v. R-Truth & Kofi Kingston Kofi dodges a charging Swagger and gets a cross-body for two, but Ziggler gets a cheapshot from the apron and Swagger gets two.  Stephanie McMahon is trending for some bizarre reason, which shows how meaningless it really is.  Kofi gets a backslide on Ziggler for two, but a dropkick gets two for Ziggler.  Swagger controls with a hold and cuts off the ring, but Kofi gets a DDT and it’s hot tag Truth.  Falcon Arrow for Ziggler gets two.  Kofi gets rid of Swagger, but Truth misses the axe kick and Ziggler finishes with the fameasser at 4:29.  Rushed but solid.  **1/2  Aksana and Vickie get into a catfight afterwards. Shawn Michaels is out for the main event interview, as he points out that he holds Undertaker’s fate in his hands.  Undertaker is out to respond and starts accusing D-X of making SECRET PLANS, but HHH interrupts that.  He’s the master of the Hell in a Cell matches and he’s willing to end Undertaker’s streak to prove it.  Undertaker gets one final burn on HHH, telling him that Shawn is still better than him.  Shawn has a smirk on his face at that one, but HHH is not amused.  Well that was kind of a weird ending. The Pulse I wish, and I think they wish, we could just skip the last two weeks and jump right to Wrestlemania, because this show had nothing new to say and was mostly just an OK way to kill two hours.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant–03.19.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.19.12 Live from Philadelphia, PA Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry LawlerCM Punk is out to talk about Jericho’s talking about his daddy.  But he wants everyone to know that even if you’re a kid who got dealt a crappy hand in life, you can still be great like him.  Life is about obstacles, and Jericho is just another one for Punk to overcome.  Jericho pops up via satellite to offer his apologies for crossing the line last week and saying things about his father.  However, his SISTER is a whole other story.  That was some evil glee when he delivered the line.  Punk has some bleeped retorts to end things.  This was a much better turn for the story, because it’s about Jericho being an ass rather than any soap opera secrets and such. Kane v. Big Show My dreams are still haunted by their match at King of the Ring 99.  Cody shows a highlight reel of Show’s Wrestlemania follies, and then distracts Show long enough for a Kane chokeslam and pin at 0:52. Cody re-enacts the Mayweather loss, by tying up Show and boxing him, with gloves mind you, until refs break it up.  Feels like they’ve run out of stuff to do with this feud and there’s still another two weeks until the show. David Otunga v. Santino It kind of drives me nuts that they put the US title on Santino and then make it a prop for this GM feud.  Santino shows us his (painted) abs as they pose off to start, but Santino hurts his leg in the process and Otunga attacks him.  Santino quickly comes back with the cobra and SMASHES JOHNNY’S CELL PHONE, allowing Otunga to hit the spinebuster for the pin at 1:43 (maybe 30 seconds without the posedown) and Cole to say “building momentum.”  Is it 1999 again with these 30 second matches and I missed the memo?  Of course he pinned the US champion and it means nothing.  That’s Big Johnny’s personal property!  Teddy gets his revenge by doing the thuggin’ and buggin’ dance at the top of the ramp.  That’ll show him. Lord Tensai, a bald guy with Japanese ties, is apparently coming, which makes all the denials from Matt Bloom seem pretty silly. Meanwhile, at the Rocky statue, the Rock has come back to Philly.  Rock talks about watching the legends in Philly and headlining his first Wrestlemania here in 99.  He beat those legends and now he needs to beat Cena to cement his legacy.  Cheesesteak will be shoved up Cena’s candy ass tonight and all the legends (including Randy Savage from heaven) will pay tribute to him.  You know, a heel cutting a promo this bombastic would come across as a huge jerk, but I guess that’s part of Rocky’s charm. Daniel Bryan v. Zack Ryder Wait, Zack Ryder is a WRESTLER?  It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten.  Bryan stomps him down and goes to a chinlock as Cole talks about what a loser Ryder has become.  Zack comes back with the Broski Boot, but taps to the Lebell Lock at 1:39.  That’s quite the return for Ryder.  ½* John Cena v. Mark Henry Mark overpowers Cena and pounds him down in the corner, then beats on him outside as we take a break.  Back with Henry winning a test of strength and hitting a big splash for two.  Blind charge misses and Cena gets the backdrop suplex and five knuckle shuffle, and the FU finishes at 7:45.  Not bad, these guys could do some business together after Wrestlemania if they give it enough time for people to forget about this one.  **1/2  Rock runs in after the win and delivers a Rock Bottom to Henry. Meanwhile, Beth Phoenix and Eve challenge Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos for Wrestlemania.  Should be a fine nacho break match. The Miz is talking again.  Yay.  The topic is guys going from Wrestlemania main event to doing nothing the next year, and he’s still determined to get onto Team Johnny. The Miz v. Sheamus Sheamus pounds Miz down and fights off the DDT attempt with a Regal Roll for two.  Miz comes back with a neckbreaker and chokes him out on the ropes, setting up a low kick for two.  Miz goes to a lengthy chinlock and appears to be reading an audio book to Sheamus before Sheamus comes back with a powerslam to escape.  Brogue kick kills Miz deader than his career at 2:53.  *1/2  Cole calls Sheamus “The Dublin Destroyer”, which is a much better wrestling name than “The Great White”.  They should switch to that. Randy Orton comes out for a promo on the stage, and reminds us that his name is Randy Orton.  Good to know. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger v. R-Truth & Kofi Kingston Kofi dodges a charging Swagger and gets a cross-body for two, but Ziggler gets a cheapshot from the apron and Swagger gets two.  Stephanie McMahon is trending for some bizarre reason, which shows how meaningless it really is.  Kofi gets a backslide on Ziggler for two, but a dropkick gets two for Ziggler.  Swagger controls with a hold and cuts off the ring, but Kofi gets a DDT and it’s hot tag Truth.  Falcon Arrow for Ziggler gets two.  Kofi gets rid of Swagger, but Truth misses the axe kick and Ziggler finishes with the fameasser at 4:29.  Rushed but solid.  **1/2  Aksana and Vickie get into a catfight afterwards. Shawn Michaels is out for the main event interview, as he points out that he holds Undertaker’s fate in his hands.  Undertaker is out to respond and starts accusing D-X of making SECRET PLANS, but HHH interrupts that.  He’s the master of the Hell in a Cell matches and he’s willing to end Undertaker’s streak to prove it.  Undertaker gets one final burn on HHH, telling him that Shawn is still better than him.  Shawn has a smirk on his face at that one, but HHH is not amused.  Well that was kind of a weird ending. The Pulse I wish, and I think they wish, we could just skip the last two weeks and jump right to Wrestlemania, because this show had nothing new to say and was mostly just an OK way to kill two hours.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant–03.19.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.19.12 Live from Philadelphia, PA Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry LawlerCM Punk is out to talk about Jericho’s talking about his daddy.  But he wants everyone to know that even if you’re a kid who got dealt a crappy hand in life, you can still be great like him.  Life is about obstacles, and Jericho is just another one for Punk to overcome.  Jericho pops up via satellite to offer his apologies for crossing the line last week and saying things about his father.  However, his SISTER is a whole other story.  That was some evil glee when he delivered the line.  Punk has some bleeped retorts to end things.  This was a much better turn for the story, because it’s about Jericho being an ass rather than any soap opera secrets and such. Kane v. Big Show My dreams are still haunted by their match at King of the Ring 99.  Cody shows a highlight reel of Show’s Wrestlemania follies, and then distracts Show long enough for a Kane chokeslam and pin at 0:52. Cody re-enacts the Mayweather loss, by tying up Show and boxing him, with gloves mind you, until refs break it up.  Feels like they’ve run out of stuff to do with this feud and there’s still another two weeks until the show. David Otunga v. Santino It kind of drives me nuts that they put the US title on Santino and then make it a prop for this GM feud.  Santino shows us his (painted) abs as they pose off to start, but Santino hurts his leg in the process and Otunga attacks him.  Santino quickly comes back with the cobra and SMASHES JOHNNY’S CELL PHONE, allowing Otunga to hit the spinebuster for the pin at 1:43 (maybe 30 seconds without the posedown) and Cole to say “building momentum.”  Is it 1999 again with these 30 second matches and I missed the memo?  Of course he pinned the US champion and it means nothing.  That’s Big Johnny’s personal property!  Teddy gets his revenge by doing the thuggin’ and buggin’ dance at the top of the ramp.  That’ll show him. Lord Tensai, a bald guy with Japanese ties, is apparently coming, which makes all the denials from Matt Bloom seem pretty silly. Meanwhile, at the Rocky statue, the Rock has come back to Philly.  Rock talks about watching the legends in Philly and headlining his first Wrestlemania here in 99.  He beat those legends and now he needs to beat Cena to cement his legacy.  Cheesesteak will be shoved up Cena’s candy ass tonight and all the legends (including Randy Savage from heaven) will pay tribute to him.  You know, a heel cutting a promo this bombastic would come across as a huge jerk, but I guess that’s part of Rocky’s charm. Daniel Bryan v. Zack Ryder Wait, Zack Ryder is a WRESTLER?  It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten.  Bryan stomps him down and goes to a chinlock as Cole talks about what a loser Ryder has become.  Zack comes back with the Broski Boot, but taps to the Lebell Lock at 1:39.  That’s quite the return for Ryder.  ½* John Cena v. Mark Henry Mark overpowers Cena and pounds him down in the corner, then beats on him outside as we take a break.  Back with Henry winning a test of strength and hitting a big splash for two.  Blind charge misses and Cena gets the backdrop suplex and five knuckle shuffle, and the FU finishes at 7:45.  Not bad, these guys could do some business together after Wrestlemania if they give it enough time for people to forget about this one.  **1/2  Rock runs in after the win and delivers a Rock Bottom to Henry. Meanwhile, Beth Phoenix and Eve challenge Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos for Wrestlemania.  Should be a fine nacho break match. The Miz is talking again.  Yay.  The topic is guys going from Wrestlemania main event to doing nothing the next year, and he’s still determined to get onto Team Johnny. The Miz v. Sheamus Sheamus pounds Miz down and fights off the DDT attempt with a Regal Roll for two.  Miz comes back with a neckbreaker and chokes him out on the ropes, setting up a low kick for two.  Miz goes to a lengthy chinlock and appears to be reading an audio book to Sheamus before Sheamus comes back with a powerslam to escape.  Brogue kick kills Miz deader than his career at 2:53.  *1/2  Cole calls Sheamus “The Dublin Destroyer”, which is a much better wrestling name than “The Great White”.  They should switch to that. Randy Orton comes out for a promo on the stage, and reminds us that his name is Randy Orton.  Good to know. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger v. R-Truth & Kofi Kingston Kofi dodges a charging Swagger and gets a cross-body for two, but Ziggler gets a cheapshot from the apron and Swagger gets two.  Stephanie McMahon is trending for some bizarre reason, which shows how meaningless it really is.  Kofi gets a backslide on Ziggler for two, but a dropkick gets two for Ziggler.  Swagger controls with a hold and cuts off the ring, but Kofi gets a DDT and it’s hot tag Truth.  Falcon Arrow for Ziggler gets two.  Kofi gets rid of Swagger, but Truth misses the axe kick and Ziggler finishes with the fameasser at 4:29.  Rushed but solid.  **1/2  Aksana and Vickie get into a catfight afterwards. Shawn Michaels is out for the main event interview, as he points out that he holds Undertaker’s fate in his hands.  Undertaker is out to respond and starts accusing D-X of making SECRET PLANS, but HHH interrupts that.  He’s the master of the Hell in a Cell matches and he’s willing to end Undertaker’s streak to prove it.  Undertaker gets one final burn on HHH, telling him that Shawn is still better than him.  Shawn has a smirk on his face at that one, but HHH is not amused.  Well that was kind of a weird ending. The Pulse I wish, and I think they wish, we could just skip the last two weeks and jump right to Wrestlemania, because this show had nothing new to say and was mostly just an OK way to kill two hours.

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant–03.19.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 03.19.12 Live from Philadelphia, PA Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry LawlerCM Punk is out to talk about Jericho’s talking about his daddy.  But he wants everyone to know that even if you’re a kid who got dealt a crappy hand in life, you can still be great like him.  Life is about obstacles, and Jericho is just another one for Punk to overcome.  Jericho pops up via satellite to offer his apologies for crossing the line last week and saying things about his father.  However, his SISTER is a whole other story.  That was some evil glee when he delivered the line.  Punk has some bleeped retorts to end things.  This was a much better turn for the story, because it’s about Jericho being an ass rather than any soap opera secrets and such. Kane v. Big Show My dreams are still haunted by their match at King of the Ring 99.  Cody shows a highlight reel of Show’s Wrestlemania follies, and then distracts Show long enough for a Kane chokeslam and pin at 0:52. Cody re-enacts the Mayweather loss, by tying up Show and boxing him, with gloves mind you, until refs break it up.  Feels like they’ve run out of stuff to do with this feud and there’s still another two weeks until the show. David Otunga v. Santino It kind of drives me nuts that they put the US title on Santino and then make it a prop for this GM feud.  Santino shows us his (painted) abs as they pose off to start, but Santino hurts his leg in the process and Otunga attacks him.  Santino quickly comes back with the cobra and SMASHES JOHNNY’S CELL PHONE, allowing Otunga to hit the spinebuster for the pin at 1:43 (maybe 30 seconds without the posedown) and Cole to say “building momentum.”  Is it 1999 again with these 30 second matches and I missed the memo?  Of course he pinned the US champion and it means nothing.  That’s Big Johnny’s personal property!  Teddy gets his revenge by doing the thuggin’ and buggin’ dance at the top of the ramp.  That’ll show him. Lord Tensai, a bald guy with Japanese ties, is apparently coming, which makes all the denials from Matt Bloom seem pretty silly. Meanwhile, at the Rocky statue, the Rock has come back to Philly.  Rock talks about watching the legends in Philly and headlining his first Wrestlemania here in 99.  He beat those legends and now he needs to beat Cena to cement his legacy.  Cheesesteak will be shoved up Cena’s candy ass tonight and all the legends (including Randy Savage from heaven) will pay tribute to him.  You know, a heel cutting a promo this bombastic would come across as a huge jerk, but I guess that’s part of Rocky’s charm. Daniel Bryan v. Zack Ryder Wait, Zack Ryder is a WRESTLER?  It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten.  Bryan stomps him down and goes to a chinlock as Cole talks about what a loser Ryder has become.  Zack comes back with the Broski Boot, but taps to the Lebell Lock at 1:39.  That’s quite the return for Ryder.  ½* John Cena v. Mark Henry Mark overpowers Cena and pounds him down in the corner, then beats on him outside as we take a break.  Back with Henry winning a test of strength and hitting a big splash for two.  Blind charge misses and Cena gets the backdrop suplex and five knuckle shuffle, and the FU finishes at 7:45.  Not bad, these guys could do some business together after Wrestlemania if they give it enough time for people to forget about this one.  **1/2  Rock runs in after the win and delivers a Rock Bottom to Henry. Meanwhile, Beth Phoenix and Eve challenge Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos for Wrestlemania.  Should be a fine nacho break match. The Miz is talking again.  Yay.  The topic is guys going from Wrestlemania main event to doing nothing the next year, and he’s still determined to get onto Team Johnny. The Miz v. Sheamus Sheamus pounds Miz down and fights off the DDT attempt with a Regal Roll for two.  Miz comes back with a neckbreaker and chokes him out on the ropes, setting up a low kick for two.  Miz goes to a lengthy chinlock and appears to be reading an audio book to Sheamus before Sheamus comes back with a powerslam to escape.  Brogue kick kills Miz deader than his career at 2:53.  *1/2  Cole calls Sheamus “The Dublin Destroyer”, which is a much better wrestling name than “The Great White”.  They should switch to that. Randy Orton comes out for a promo on the stage, and reminds us that his name is Randy Orton.  Good to know. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger v. R-Truth & Kofi Kingston Kofi dodges a charging Swagger and gets a cross-body for two, but Ziggler gets a cheapshot from the apron and Swagger gets two.  Stephanie McMahon is trending for some bizarre reason, which shows how meaningless it really is.  Kofi gets a backslide on Ziggler for two, but a dropkick gets two for Ziggler.  Swagger controls with a hold and cuts off the ring, but Kofi gets a DDT and it’s hot tag Truth.  Falcon Arrow for Ziggler gets two.  Kofi gets rid of Swagger, but Truth misses the axe kick and Ziggler finishes with the fameasser at 4:29.  Rushed but solid.  **1/2  Aksana and Vickie get into a catfight afterwards. Shawn Michaels is out for the main event interview, as he points out that he holds Undertaker’s fate in his hands.  Undertaker is out to respond and starts accusing D-X of making SECRET PLANS, but HHH interrupts that.  He’s the master of the Hell in a Cell matches and he’s willing to end Undertaker’s streak to prove it.  Undertaker gets one final burn on HHH, telling him that Shawn is still better than him.  Shawn has a smirk on his face at that one, but HHH is not amused.  Well that was kind of a weird ending. The Pulse I wish, and I think they wish, we could just skip the last two weeks and jump right to Wrestlemania, because this show had nothing new to say and was mostly just an OK way to kill two hours.