WWE Tough Enough – Season 6, Episode 3: “Who Are You?”

Last time out, Alex was given the axe for having no knowledge of anything wrestling-related. Not even the time Hogan slammed Andre at WrestleMania III, brother. Meanwhile, WWE mercilessly teased its audience with blood and guts violence by practically feeding its cast to a bunch of lazy alligators in the middle of a Florida swamp. Who will be eliminated tonight? Will Chris Jericho care about being on the show? WILL WE GET TO SEE MORE OF PAIGE’S NEW “ASSETS”??? Let’s find out…

Read moreWWE Tough Enough – Season 6, Episode 3: “Who Are You?”

WWE Tough Enough – Season 6, Episode 2: “Swamp Stories”

Hi there! Helluva day, wasn’t it? I hope everyone is well

Last
week saw Hank going bye-bye after Paige took a flamethrower to his
sorry ass for demeaning women while Josh and ZZ survived for simply
being there. Looking at this episode’s title, it looks like we’re gonna
have a ZZ-centric episode…so let’s settle in.

We are LIVE(!) from Full Sail University for Tough Enough!
Chris Jericho and Renee Young are your hosts. They introduce Hogan, Paige and Daniel Bryan.
Bryan
says that he wants to see more character from the competitors. Paige
just resorts to calling them all “boring, which is sad”. Hogan doesn’t
see it that way, brother. Yes, he even calls Paige “Brother”. Chris
likes when Hogan calls Paige “brother” and we get the first set of
clips.
WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER

The Barracks

Josh
hangs out with a couple of the girls who are, like OMG, sooooo
surprised Josh was in the Bottom 3 last week. Josh tells the camera that
he feels like everyone’s scheming. After the jump-cut, everyone in the
cast is suddenly in the room. Amanda brags about beating Gabi and,
ruh-roh, 3 and a half minutes in, the gloves are off. Gabi wants Amanda
to go home. So does Daria. Dianna isn’t happy about Amanda’s yapping.
So, Amanda gets right in her face and talks shit about Dianna and her
fiance and, suddenly, all we can hear is the sound of women screaming at
each other while the men stand around, wondering how the hell they got
on the set of The Bachelor. The result? After Amanda trash-talks to
everybody in within a three-block radius, everyone somehow hates Dianna. (DANIELLE: “Editing, PAL!”)
But
enough of that, Alex doesn’t know anything about wrestling. This makes
Patrick mad! MAD!!! REALLY MAD!!! And he yells at Alex really LOUD!!!
Alex violently shakes his head at Patrick like Ali’s throwing punches
and declares, “KNOWLEDGE MEANS NOTHING, BRO”, a phrase so deep, I cannot
possibly reflect on its subtle, yet playful, near-literary symbolism.

FLORIDA’S EVERGLADES

Wild Florida’s Ultimate Wilderness Air Boat
The
contestants get brought out to an island in the middle of the Glades.
Booker, Billy Gunn and Lita announce that this is the next challenge.
Booker tells them to look around and take a good, steamy look at the
gator-infested swamp. A “gator expert” shows the contestants “what can
hurt them” by bringing out a wittle baby gator. D’awwwww! Then he loses
control of it and nearly gets his hand bitten off. (DANIELLE: SAVE HIM, ZZ! GO HELP HIM, “GATOR”!!!) Amanda is afraid that they’re gonna “die”.

The
challenge is as follows: swim over to their floaty boat of doom, grab a
WWE belt and swim back to shore with it — all without being mutilated
and/or eaten by alligators. Please? The WWE would like to get through
this exercise without a pending lawsuit. So, make sure nothing
kills you. To add a fun little wrinkle to things: Patrick, the token
black guy…he can’t swim.

(DANIELLE: …I…oh…)

Yeah. WWE went there. Dianna is afraid of dark water and the movie, “Lake Placid”. That ruined her for life.
But, hey! Ironically, she’s first. Patrick still can’t swim and
“Gator”, for all his bragging, is practically just inches ahead or
behind Patrick, depending on the camera angle. Alex nearly drowns until
the medics leap into the horrible, non-gator-infested waters to “save”
him. (DANIELLE: ZZ is 0-for-fucking-2 in the “saving people in the swamp”. Not good.) Dianna
gets back to shore, so she’s cool. Booker laughs at Patrick which just
doubles down on 11 and raises the table $50,000 dollars and gold watch
in terms of presenting racist stereotypes. Tanner “beats” Josh to shore
but we could be wrong. Josh claims Tanner cheated, so that ends in a
manly shoving match which only takes Booker saying “Hey, guys, now…”
to make them stop.

Alex is stuck and barely gets to the boat. He doesn’t even swim back to the island as the crew helps him get to “safety” while the “dangerous gators that could murder you at any time” float there, doing nothing. (DANIELLE: Waiting for the production team to take them back to the plastic prop store.)
Back on the island, Booker congratulates the winners and shames Mada
and Alex for their failure. Billy Gunn channels R. Lee Ermey and chews
out Daria for dropping her belt. The team leaves on an air boat while Patrick and Alex mope. (DANIELLE: Alex was right: knowledge don’t mean shit when you can’t swim.)

FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY


Arena
Renee
Young informs us that Gabi created a CAW and challenged Nikki Bella to a
fight on WWE 2K15 over Twitter. She even has the balls to label it
#DreamMatch. (DANIELLE: Nikki better watch out. Gabi can manhandle Summer Rae on “Easy” mode.)

WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER

Barracks
Tanner
and Josh argue while playing pool while Daria and Giorgia talk and
agree to take down Dianna. Dianna and Gabi, however, form their own
faction and nothing is remotely interesting about this except that both
pairs share matching first initials. Gabi is skeptical but is willing
to accept a temporary partnership. Patrick watches the whole thing,
eye-fucking them from the comfort of the pool table and then tries to
instigate a threesome by making them “kiss and make up”. Dianna’s
disgusted and leaves. (DANIELLE: She didn’t stay for a lesbian make-out session on WWE programming? Oh, she’s definitely gone now.) Patrick offers to kiss Gabi and, at this point, the moment is so awkward, Gabi’s
blank stare seems sexy in comparison. Meanwhile, Mada gets on his APPLE
IPHONE™ and facetimes with his hot blonde wife and his child in a
fairly touching moment.

The next day…

The Gym
Roman
Reigns is in the ring and each woman competitor swoons and wrings out
their panties as per contractual obligation. Reigns is edited down with a
soft glow like a picture on Instagram. Reigns introduces himself and
wants to know if they wanna get beat up. He demos a move, using a couple
of trainers. The men watch, stunned, as Medium Show crushes Almost
Fandango off the top rope. The women, however, are still inside of Fifty
Shades of Grey, wishing Reigns would crush them under his weight over
and over and over.

FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY


Arena
Meanwhile, back at the set of Kitchen Stadium, Chris Jericho admits that Roman Reigns even turns him
on. Daniel Bryan’s got a boner, too, while Hogan and Paige talk about
what the competitors need to do. These segments are really kinda
worthless and should be limited to the beginning and end, at most.
Jericho explains the voting system, telling people to “vote who you want
to win” in case you have NO idea how “voting” works.

Back at the Gym
The men take falls backward. Roman Reigns isn’t involved in any of this. (DANIELLE: Having most likely exploded from his own sexiness.) Then
it’s time for the competitors to take falls off of the top turnbuckle.
Gabi fails miserably, being “afraid of heights” of about five feet or
more and everyone lands on their backs, heads and tailbones. (DANIELLE: Who needs goddamn alligators?) Lita names Giorgia the women’s winner while Booker proclaims Patrick the guy’s winner. (DANIELLE: White men can’t fall either, I guess.) Billy tells them that there will be a loser today.

The Barracks
–are
arguing about…oh. Sorry. It happened that fast after the break. I
didn’t even have fucking time to type what happened. Daria is shamed and
Dianna just yells about bitch-asses and theoretical
women-hanging-onto-cliffs. In the next room — I can’t even make this up
if I was tripping — Giorgia and ZZ listen to the argument through the
wall using cups as hearing aid devices. The rest of the case does the “cup-to-wall” bullshit which defeats the point because you can already hear everything.

Dianna sexually bribes ZZ into switching rooms with her so that ZZ can mess with her roommate. (DANIELLE: What, was the roommate like, “ZZ’s gonna live with me? AWESOME!” I don’t think that happened…)

FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY


Arena
Jericho says it’s time for the judges to ask competitors questions.

Patrick
and Alex are called up by Daniel Bryan. He commends them for not being
able to swim. He asks what Alex what he meant with his  “Knowledge means
nothing quote”. Alex replies that it’s a physical game, not a mental
one. Patrick (DANIELLE: …kisses Bryan’s ass…) agrees with that (DANIELLE: Same thing.) and
Daniel Bryan agrees with Patrick’s assessment and everyone agrees that
Alex is the new Confucius. Paige snaps everyone back to reality, calling
Alex a moron while Hogan agrees with Paige.

Hogan gets
weird and tells ZZ that “The Rock eats the best pie”. He wants to know
what kind of “pie” ZZ likes to eat. Daniel Bryan follows up with an
actual tough question: “What do you want to see when you’re in the
women’s bedroom?” Hogan follows this up with where Dianna is sleeping.
Dianna talks about how ZZ left a pair of dirty underwear in her room and
she can smell them. Best show ever.

Paige ends
the ZZ suck-up party and calls up Amanda and Sarah. She admonishes them
both for being phonies and tells them to step back.

Hogan verbally berates Mada and we end that.

Here’s your Bottom 3: 

  1. Alex (Bryan – Alex needs to have more discipline)
  2. Sarah (Paige – Sarah has no personality)
  3. Dianna (Hogan – She wins challenges but hates people)

When we come back, the Bottom 3 appeals:

  1. Sarah
    – She’s herself. She gave up everything for all of this. She just
    hasn’t been “showcased”. She won’t jump into the camera and fight with
    people.
  2. Alex – Alex can’t decide who should go home but
    finally names Dianna, the popular answer. They ask him one question with
    ten seconds left to answer and he talks about exhibiting courage though
    he’s kinduva loser.
  3. Dianna – Dianna is hot, blonde and fights. And she’s BEST FOR BUSINESS™.

Daniel Bryan, Paige and Hogan don’t want to save anyone. (DANIELLE: Then why have that stupid rule if you aren’t gonna use it?)

 
GOING HOME: Alex.
 
That is it for this week. Let’s tune in next week when we try to remember the names of everyone because they’re so unmemorable.
Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 15 – “Girl vs Girl Bye”

In our last episode…

  • Eva Marie was selected for her second Muscle & Fitness Hers
    cover because, apparently, they don’t realize there are other Divas who
    are not only in shape, they actually wrestle, too. She freaks out
    about her weight, and barely eats and works out too much until Cameron
    becomes concerned. She and Eva’s husband, Jon, team up with an artist to
    show her that though she sees herself as fat, she’s in the 1% of people
    in terms of fitness.
  • Paige, Alicia and Rosa hang out and declare they are the “Three
    Amigas” when, in reality, they are really “The Divas Nobody Cares About
    or Will Hang Out With”. Paige acts like her flirty self and Rosa kisses
    her. When Paige says she’s not interested, Rosa goes out of her way to
    avoid her, enlisting Alisha to attempt to fix their friendship.
  • Brie, having a delayed reaction to her home being the target of an
    attempted robbery, hires contractors to put in barbed wire that her
    husband, Daniel, didn’t want. He convinces her that they can form a
    neighborhood watch and she decides that might make her feel safe enough
    to not need to move.

Who will Rosa stalk next? Will Nattie be miserable?
Who is DABOMBDOTCOM? How much boob will we see? What the hell’s wrong
with Eva THIS week? Matt and I crawl through the muck that is Total
Divas…

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki’s House
Nikki
is ready to work out so, naturally, John Cena (who, at this point, I’m
convinced owns more costumes than a Hollywood wardrobe shop) walks
outside to join her, dressed in a wrestling singlet with a Luchadore
mask for some reason. Nikki’s somehow turned on by this (MATT: Some where, Sin Cara is grinning.)
and tells the camera that when her man comes out in spandex, she wants
to do “cardio inside”, so she decides to have sex with John rather than
work out. She goes Fifty Shades and tells him to put the mask back on as
they go inside. (MATT: She took THAT “seriously”, didn’t she?)

TITLES.

DALLAS, TX for Hell in a Cell


Ringside – Nikki vs. Brie
Nikki and Brie have a match
against each other as — at this point — WWE had to blow off their feud
after they made up, by inertia, on Total Divas. Brie tells the camera
the person she’s always wanted a match against was Nikki. The crowd does
the “Yes” chant to cheer on Brie. (MATT: Which I still don’t
understand. Bryan’s a face. Brie’s a…heel? I guess? It’s not clear.
So, it’s weird to see Brie doing a YES chant when Nikki and Brie aren’t
faces.)
Brie uses the Yes lock on Nikki but Nikki breaks free. Nikki wins and the crowd boos her.

AUSTIN, TX for WWE Superstars

Backstage
The Three Amigas are still friends this week and hang out backstage. (MATT: Oh, thank god.) Rosa points out how dry her lips are. Paige jokes it looks like she has herpes. (MATT: And Rosa storms off, saying she no longer wants to hang out while Fox pouts with concern.) Rosa says she doesn’t have herpes. Paige goes into protective “whoa, dude” mode and says she was just joking about the Herpes. (MATT: Because dry lips totally look like Herpes.)

Ringside – Tyson vs. Sin Cara
Nattie is now Tyson’s valet and tells the camera it’s awkward for her because of their (MATT: totally fake)
separation. A bunch of fans chant “NATTIE’S HUSBAND” during that match,
which really sums up his ring persona quite well. Tyson wins against
Sin Cara, which also does his credibility no favors. It’s like our cat,
Inky, defeating a leaf that wandered in from the patio. Nattie tells the
camera that “the struggle between them is real” (MATT: As real as her breasts.) and no one over 5 years old watching this show is fooled.

Backstage
Nattie
goes to TJ and calls him out in a whiny voice. She tells the camera she
has waited her whole career to work with him and now that it’s a
reality, it really sucks. He admonishes her, telling her that, when they
go through the curtain to the ring, they are working. This is surreal:
WWE and Total Divas are supposed to line up. Total Divas would have us
believe that TJ and Nattie are on the cusp of a total split while WWE
Creative thinks that they’re the Macho Man and Elizabeth. Every other
Diva’s storyline reflects Total Divas. (MATT: Nothing makes sense anymore in WWE. This Monday’s edition of RAW was a major indicator of that.) 

“The Three Amigas” goof off backstage by pushing each other around on a service cart, down the hall. (MATT: Total disregard of OSHA regulations is SO FUNNY!) They see Cameron and Alicia is reluctant to be nice to her as they have “a history”. (MATT: They do?!)
Alicia storms out even using Cameron’s oh-so-clever “Girl, Bye” line.
She tells Rosa and Paige that she is trying to be cool with everyone but
Alicia won’t have any of it. Rosa invites her on a “girl’s trip”, (MATT: Another one?!)
which is comprised of Rosa and — surprise!!! Alicia Fox. Paige can’t
go because she’ll be with WWE’s Worldwide Tour in Malaysia. (MATT: Rosa, pro-tip here – if it’s you and another girl, you might as well give up and stay in town to take in a movie.) Cameron likes this idea. (MATT: Which, considering the most recent stand-off between Fox and Cameron, makes NO sense whatsoever in any fucking dimension you happen to inhabit.) She says that her and Fox can bond personally and, as they are both heels, they could join forces in the ring.

Elsewhere,
Dolph Ziggler flirts with Nattie as she’s hanging out with Naomi. He
says he wants Nattie to text him. She says she will “once she’s on the
market”. She tells Naomi that her dad is sick, her relationship is a
mess, and all she has now is work. To make matters worse, she has to
fumigate her house and stay in a hotel. Naomi offers to let her stay with them, (MATT: Like last time when that ended well.) and Nattie agrees but she needs Naomi to pick her up as our Calamity Jane has transmission problems on her car. (MATT: What is she, Job all of the sudden?!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Luci’s Healthy Marketplace
Brie drags Nikki in to get coffee and grocery shop. Nikki finds a horse mask (MATT: Totally not just placed there by the prop department because those are readily available at organic grocery stores all over the country.)
and forces Brie to put it on for a photo. Then Nikki proceeds to call
Brie an “idiot” for being subservient and doing what she says. (MATT: Creative’s shitty Bella storyline’s leaking into other programming…ugh.) Anyhow,
we go from horse heads to making good on contractually mentioning
vaginas at least once an episode by browsing for organic tampons, which
Nikki claims “naturally works with your body”. (MATT: Are the tampons debating legislation inside her womb? What does that even  mean?) Nikki also points out “vegan-certified condoms”. (MATT: Which totally sounds like something Nikki would use since she’s Vegan.)
Brie mentions she doesn’t use condoms as she’s married, Nikki,
apparently only knowing one form of birth control that exists, tells her
that if she doesn’t use condoms, she’ll have babies. Brie admits she
isn’t on any birth control as that’s putting chemicals in her body.
Instead, she has Bryan use the pull out method which Brie dubs, “The Old
Fashioned Way”. (MATT: Right now, Luci’s Market’s like, “The publicity’s worth it, the publicity’s worth it, the publicity’s worth it…”)
(DANIELLE’S NOTE: I was in college when I heard the joke, what do you
call people who only use the method for birth control? Parents.) Nikki
tells her that she needs to think about their career, which makes no
sense since Brie as a valet is about the same as Brie in the ring,
wrestling. (MATT: Nikki actually meant “MY” career.) Brie says it’s her life and she doesn’t wake up in the morning and think of Nikki and “their career”.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Beach Bunny (Boutique)
Alicia and Rose try on bathing suits for their trip and then pretend in front of the store clerks that they’re gonna walk right out the door with their bikinis on. (MATT: Man, they make Emma look like Ethan Hunt.) The store clerks don’t give a shit and they just laaaaaugh…

(MATT: “Petty larceny is hilarious!!!”)

We
get lots of jiggling and then the girls take off in Alicia’s car.
Alicia is still bummed that Cameron is going on the trip. Alicia says
people are different at work than in real life and implies they will get
along great. Rosa assures her that nothing will happen. Alicia wants a
“pinky swear” on that.

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki’s House
Nikki
is opening champagne and her and John toast getting the last rays of
the day as well as her successful merchandise meeting to build up “The
Bella Brand”. John is impressed that she is meeting with all the right
merch people. Apparently, they are the first Divas to get that much —
then she calls herself the “female John Cena” on camera as they now have
lots of merch like he does. (MATT: To be fair, they both have huge chests.)
Nikki brings up that she is worried that Brie isn’t using birth control
except for Bryan pulling out. John thinks it’s their business as they
are married. Nikki continues, however, to argue her side. (MATT:
Which causes Cena to slightly roll his eyes and emit a frustrated
sigh/grunt as the writers force him to pull Nikki from the Idiot Ledge
again.)
“I can’t stop thinking about Brie’s sex life,” she tells the
camera. Nikki, didn’t you have a fit when Brie was interfering in your
personal life? John starts with the logic train and tells her that it’s
out of Nikki’s hands, prompting Nikki to tell the camera, “That is NOT
the answer I was looking for!” Nikki’s pissed and wonders how Brie is
going to have a child and what she might do with it after they have it. (MATT: Yeah, Brie. Nobody’s ever had kids in WWE before. This is foreign territory.) She says that having a baby is not good for business. (MATT: And, Triple H is on the phone, seeing if he can sue for breach of trademark on his key phrase.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
Cameron
arrives for the “girl’s weekend” which, inexplicably, means her
boyfriend, Vincent, is there as well. Alicia, expecting this to be a
girl’s trip exclusively for girls, is not happy with this. She tells the
camera Cameron can’t do anything without her boyfriend, stating, “We
already have a 3rd wheel. We don’t need 18 more.” (MATT: She’s ruined
the same metaphor twice in one show and now she’s adding wheels to the
ruined metaphor so that it makes even less sense.)
Cameron is wearing a black leather dress with studded collar which Rosa just loves. (MATT: I didn’t see that coming, did you?) Then
Cameron twerks. Then Rosa tries to imitate Cameron twerking and this is
so disturbing, it makes Vincent look physically ill.

(PICTURED: The effect Rosa has on just about every single man on the planet.)

Playhouse Nightclub
Rosa
tells the camera she is excited as they are going to dance the night
away. Cameron is excited to be working with Alicia and thinks this trip
will help them not want to kill each other at work.

(MATT: And then, they danced as Vincent
pondered his very existence in the corner.)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie’s House
John
complains about being Naomi and Nattie’s “chauffeur” as they roll up in
front of Nattie’s place. Because we need to be reminded that Nattie’s
still human and not a crazy lizard person/cat lady, we get a really
goofy segment where Nattie’s neighbor shows up to tell Nattie how
“sorry” she is about her and TJ.

(WRITERS: “Betty White wouldn’t return our calls after her guest spot on RAW.”)

Nattie,
who’s only supposed to be staying with the Uso couple for a “few days”,
has enough packed bags for a few weeks — then realizes she left
something in the house. So, naturally, Nattie decides to go in and get
it. Despite the house being sealed up with signs reading “FUMIGATION”
and “CAUTION: DEADLY POISON”. (MATT: It’s cool. Those chemicals actually keep Nattie sane.) Nattie
puts a blanket over her head to go get her cats’ bowls. Naomi tells the
camera she hopes Nattie makes it out as they are not going in to get
her. (MATT: Nice to know that’s on tape for the eventual inquiry into Nattie’s death.)
Nattie reappears, sans blanket, but with the bowl and states that “she
held her breath” the entire time. Couldn’t she have gone to a store and
bought another bowl? (MATT: It’s Nattie. If she needed milk and she
locked herself out of her house, she would have broken into a neighbor’s
house to get it, then asked Naomi and Jimmy to cover up the robbery.)

TJ has one of their cats, as it turns out. That cat couldn’t handle new
surroundings. Nattie yacks about how awful her life is. Her separation
is hell and she makes reference to her father, Jim Neidhart, undergoing
some medical crisis. The cats are shedding in the car it gets in John’s
eye and on the straw to his drink. The hair gets in Naomi’s mouth as
Naomi and Jimmy claim that they’re happy to help.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s House
Brie
is helping Daniel in the garden and says that Josie (their dog) likes
to pee in their garden. Brie somehow glides right into the fact that
Nikki wants them to use condoms. Daniel brings up the “we’re married”
argument. She reminds Daniel that she had been on the pill before, but
it made her moody and gain weight, and then she says it also gave her
“bigger boobs”. Bryan doesn’t remember that part. (MATT: Just go with it, Bryan. It’s nonsense. Like “The Bella Brand”.)
Brie says that Nikki’s worried about their careers. Bryan reminds her
that they’ve been split up several times and their careers were just
fine. They decide that if Nikki needs Brie for her to make money, that
Brie must be the breadwinner in the twins’ relationship. Brie suggests
that they should have a baby. Bryan says he could start having babies
“in 10 minutes”.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
The girls fight over who will drive. (MATT: For some reason.) Cameron says it’s “her city”, so she should drive. (MATT: “Her city”? What is she, Batman?) However, the car is in Alicia’s name so she wins. Rosa illogically sits in back so the girls can fight. Cameron acts obnoxious on purpose so Alicia drives bad on purpose, though they don’t crash. (MATT: Is this fake feud worth the lives of others?)

Runyon Canyon Park
The view makes Cameron mention how happy going to NXT made her because she “perfected herself”. (MATT: And it shows, what with all that ring time she’s been getting.)
Alicia says that makes her happy as she needed it. Alicia says she’s
surprised Cameron was willing to do hard work. Cameron reminds the
camera that her goal is to be friends with Alicia so she can use her
professionally. (MATT: Aren’t these girls supposed to be jogging?) Cameron
says Fox is a “grandma” who had to spend 2 years in developmental while
she only needed to go back for 3 months. Fox tells her that her time
there really shows now.

PHOENIX, AZ

Clever Koi (Restaurant)
Nikki
is having dinner with Brie and Daniel. Nikki takes a reeeeeeally long
time, hugging Bryan from behind while Bryan looks visibly annoyed. Brie
says Nikki smashed her boobs into her husband’s head. Bryan: “Don’t
worry. They just felt like two hard rocks.” Nikki’s insulted and says,
“They’re just silicone.” Nikki tells the camera she will put an end to
them only using the “pull-out method” and she “will not take no for an
answer”. (MATT: DIDN’T WE JUST HAVE NIKKI PISSED OFF AT BRIE THREE EPISODES AGO FOR DOING THIS VERY THING?!)
Brie says her husband will be a great stay-at-home Dad. Brie says that
now that she is married, she likes coming home and being normal. Nikki
chides the couple for their birth control choice and says that they can
accidentally get pregnant. Brie finally calls out Nikki on camera,
saying Nikki is a hypocrite who got mad when she got in her personal
life and now she is doing the same thing. They remind Nikki that she
even wants marriage and kids. Brie says having a family would be the
best thing she ever did. She says the bit with Stephanie was already her
career-high. Nikki says this affects THEDEMONVIPERVIGILANTEBELLABRAND™.
Nikki says it’s time to start thinking about her and not about what they
want. Brie tells her if they want to start trying that night, they
will. Daniel calls her out for only thinking of money. Brie says Nikki
will never be a mother, thus she doesn’t want Brie to be one either, and
Nikki says that is hitting below the belt. Brie says it’s “disgusting”
that she’d bring up that kind of stuff in public. (MATT: Yeah, a public restaurant is for tasteful conversation about things like seal slit and using tablecloths as tampons.) Both
Brie and Nikki both claim to have lost their appetite. Bryan isn’t even
interested in faking this shit and starts eating from Brie’s plate.

TAMPA, FL

John and Naomi’s House
Nattie
is cleaning up a mess the cat left on the kitchen floor. Jon asks if
Nattie has seen their wedding pics as that’s just what you do with
someone who is going through marital strife. (MATT: Didn’t they get married like a YEAR ago?)
They ask Nattie how she and TJ are doing. Nattie admits to looking back
at their past. Nattie says their photos remind her a lot of what she
and TJ had. They encourage her to cry about her marriage. (MATT: She’s always
crying. If only California could find a way to redirect her tear ducts
into their water supply, we’d end the drought in a week.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
The
girls are poolside and admire a woman’s flesh colored bikini top with
fake nipples on it, which the woman dubs, “The Tata Top”. (MATT: And WWE censors the not-really-bewbz.)

(MATT: Susan G. Komen would be so proud right now.)

The
girls randomly talk about who they resemble. Rosa says she has been
mistaken for Sofia Vergara. They ask some random passerby who Cameron
looks like. The woman somehow comes up with Halle Berry. (MATT: “Here’s your $20 bucks, lady. The episode will air three months from now. Thanks for being on the show.”)
Alicia says that Cameron looks like a “bootleg Nikki Manaj”. Cameron
retaliates, telling Alicia that she looks like a “stank version of
Rhianna”. Fox invokes the “Third Wheel” metaphor again. After some more arguing, Cameron walks off so they can have their girls’ time alone.

Rosa
follows Cameron to try to smooth things over, saying she thinks that
Alicia is trying to be funny. Cameron agrees to sit down with Alicia,
one on one. Both girls admit they think the other started out as mean.
Cameron is surprised to hear that Alicia feels like Cameron was there to
replace her. Cameron says, on camera, that there is room for everyone
in WWE. Alicia tells the camera that there are specific roles in WWE,
which is much more true than Cameron’s version of it, and that she let
her insecurity make her think Cameron was brought up to take her role,
in particular. The girls agree they can be friends. (MATT: Hooray! The Three Amigas are solid once aga–wait. Where’s Paige?)

TAMPA, FL

John and Naomi’s House
Nattie
comes home to a lit candle as the cat took a dump on the floor again
and complains that the cat made forts out of blankets and shed all over
them. John couldn’t handle it, so he left. (MATT: Did he knock something over before he bolted?) Nattie
hits the Guilt Trip Button and offers to leave with all her stuff and
starts to pack up. Nattie tells her not to go and to focus on the
positive things in her life. Naomi reveals she cleaned out the cat box
with her bare hands as Nattie forgot a scooper. Nattie asks for a spoon
to clean it out for the time being and is surprised when Naomi hates the
idea. (MATT: Time to get Nattie back to her place so she can huff more fumes.)

MEMPHIS, TN for WWE Superstars

Backstage
Rosa
and Cameron sit down to talk to Paige. Rosa points out if she kissed
Cameron, it wouldn’t mess up their lips as they have the same color on.
Cameron is not even remotely pleased by this.

(MATT: “Rosa Achievement Unlocked – Offend both genders in one episode”)

And Paige is like…

(MATT: “Welcome to my private hell, sweetie.”)

Paige says she could hug Cameron and it woudn’t feel different as they are “both wearing fur”. (MATT: And the Three Amigas are friends once aga–wait. Where’s Alicia?)

Ringside – Alicia vs. Naomi
They fight, but it’s so boring, we don’t even see how it turned out.

Backstage
Cameron
and Paige watch the match, Rosa spends more time looking at her phone.
Cameron is happy she is getting along with Alicia as it’s best for
business if they get along.

Meanwhile, Nikki has a
meeting with Mark Carrano, Senior Director, Talent Relations and Joe
Hickey, Manager, Talent Merchandise to see how their merch would do if
it’s only her. (MATT: Already? It’s not like Brie’s dropping a kid tomorrow.)
Mark is relieved to hear the pregnancy question is a hypothetical. He
says the Bella Twins “brand” is stronger than Fearless Nikki or Brie
Mode. Then, for some silly reason, Mark, who has already stated what
everyone would already understands asks Joe what he thinks. Joe says
Bella Twins is strong but they could brand Fearless Nikki well. In a bit
of (WWE spoilers ahead) a foreshadowing, Nikki states she may be
winning the Divas Championship soon, so that might help. Nikki is happy
her brand can be kept strong, but Mark wants Brie to come see him
immediately about her baby fever. (MATT: “You better start thinking of Mark Carrano Brand and stop pulling out!”)

HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle
This week’s hug goes to…Brie: The
choice of if and when to be a parent is a personal decision that
shouldn’t be decided by one’s co-workers. Sure, Nikki is also her
sister, but she’s treating this like business is the only thing that
matters. She’s jealous and needs to realize her sister and her husband
need to do what’s best for them. When Brie quit WWE, I thought it was a
real-life decision, covered up by kayfabe and, maybe, that’s when they
should have tried for a family. Regardless, these two are down to earth
and would probably be great parents, I hope when the time for them to
start their family arrives they are quickly blessed with a pregnancy.

This weeks punch goes to… Nikki: Bullying,
bargaining, scheming. These are not ways to get what you want.
Especially when what you wants means if you get what you want, someone
else loses something they really want. She got all mad when Brie
interfered in her personal life and she doesn’t even see the hypocrisy
of her actions.


Matt
This week’s hug goes to…Naomi: Holy shit, it was nice to see her on the show. She may be the only sane person on the program.

Most Annoying Cast Member of Week is…Nikki: When she’s mean, she’s mean. When she’s determined, she’s mean. When she’s nice, she’s mean.
I can’t stand her and I really can’t stand Brie, either. Both women are
arrogant and need to be taken down a peg — but Nikki continues to
appear here, outshining her sister once again.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 14 – “Insecurity Breach”

In our last epsiode…

  • Paige annoyed Natalya by using sexuality in their matches together.
    Nattie (probably getting more action in ring than out of it the way her
    marriage is going) asked Paige to stop and, to no one’s surprise, she
    didn’t. Nattie claimed she would harass Paige back, but I’m sure this
    storyline will dead end because reasons.
  • Nikki was convinced that she was a better athlete than John Cena, so
    she challenged him to a decathlon of events to be picked by a friend of
    his that  The events included miniature golf, Skee Ball and Beer Pong
    — with Cena dressing in outfits that matched each one as he’s rich. He
    beat Nikki at them, which annoyed her. Somehow, he got her to apologize
    for taking the games too seriously.
  • Eva Marie found out the silicone breast implants she had were
    leaking. She tried to put off having them removed as her career was on
    an upswing and taking time off would work against her. Her husband
    called her boss which left Eva Marie was furious, then ended up
    apologizing to him after she had the surgery.
Let’s see what crazy hijinks we can get into this week…
LOS ANGELES, CA
Jon and Eva Marie’s Apartment
The
twins visit Eva Marie who is recovering from her surgery (seen last
week). Nikki asks how “the girls” are going while motioning to her own
implants. Eva decides to show them by pulling her shirt down so they can
see how swollen they are. Nikki and Brie both feel them.

(MATT: Slow down! I haven’t even opened up the fucking
wine yet so we can properly enjoy this episode!)

Nikki’s
amazed at how “warm” they are to try to get her twin to want to get
hers done so they match. Jon arrives with appetizers and, instead of
enjoying the free show and  shatters his “window of opportunity”,
telling Nikki and Brie not to touch his wife’s boobs. Out of nowhere,
Brie calls Nikki out for not wearing underwear and says they have to let
Eva know so she can wash the couch when they leave. Jon sprays the
couch with some cleaner after Nikki gets up. Nikki’s humorously offended
and says she doesn’t leave “snail trails.” (MATT: I can smell this scene…and I think I want to throw up…) Brie says she can’t sit anymore there and pulls her sister down on her lap. Nikki humps at her. (MATT: What the actual fuck did I just watch?!)

TITLES.
WICHITA, KSOld Town Wichita
The
Bella Twins walk through the brick-covered streets of Wichita,
comparing it to “New York”. Nikki says it’s “fun” to imagine being “born
in the 20’s”. Brie gets real deep, arbitrarily speculating that “the
man who invents the time machine will be, like, the wealthiest man on
the planet.” (MATT: Thankfully, they stop there because Brie’s head
would have exploded like Scanners had she continued that line of
thought.)

The Brickyard (Restaurant)

The
twins, Nattie, Cameron (and surprise cameo, Naomi) are meeting for
brunch. Nattie, for some reason, asks what happens to the people who
robbed Brie and Daniel Bryan’s house recently. Brie says one went to
jail and two others are “trying to get parole”. We get a quick retro
montage of news reports on the event, including the bit about Daniel
Bryan putting one of the burglars in a “rear naked chokehold” so he
couldn’t escape. Brie says the cops told them they should get a gun and
admits they still don’t have a burglar alarm. They do have Josie, but
she’s probably as worthless as a watchdog as Cameron is in the ring. (MATT: Oh, you…) Nattie says the burglars might want to come back for revenge. (MATT: And you can see the second robbery attempt for only $9.99.) Brie
says she doesn’t wanna talk about it. Nikki tells the camera that her
sister is naive and that if it were her, she’d have the best security
system ever. (MATT: If the burglars can get past the guards manning the gate to Cena’s property, that is.)
LOS ANGELES, CA Jon’s Car

Tara
Carrano, WWE VP of Communications, calls Eva to let her know that
Muscle and Fitness Hers wants her to do another photo shoot. She reminds
us that she is the first Diva to get a cover. (MATT: Despite the fact that she’s does nothing at all, ever in WWE.)
In our new weekly segment, “What the Fuck’s Wrong With Eva Marie This
Week?”, Eva states that she’s nervous as she hasn’t worked out since her
surgery and has a very short time to bust her ass in order to look
good. (MATT: Yeah, she’ll need to shed that whole pound she picked up.)
TAMPA, FL The Poppy Boutique

Rosa
is shopping with Paige. Paige tries on a headband and Rosa mocks her by
saying she looks like Brie. Rosa says she needs to get more Botox, but
Paige says she already looks beautiful. Paige tells the camera that Rosa
has confidence issues. (MATT: Which is why she has no problem hitting on anything that moves.)
The girls try on clothes. Rosa tells the camera that Paige really turns
her on. Rosa says she wants more plastic surgery and Paige tells her
she doesn’t need it. (MATT: It’s a trick, Paige. Get an axe.)
LOS ANGELES, CA Gym

Eva
Marie is working out with Cameron. Eva loses her footing while on the
treadmill and Cameron asks if she is OK. Cameron tells the camera that
she gets why Eva’s doing this but that she’s hitting the workout too
hard. After an intense workout, she goes back for more.
PHOENIX, AZ Brie and Daniel’s House

Daniel is setting up the alarm system he got for their house. He informs Brie that the system is now working and fully alarmed (MATT: And frankly, concerned. Thank you. I’m here for the rest of the show.) and their sliding glass door is now bulletproof. Brie says she likes the alarm but hates that she needs it. (MATT: Didn’t this happen months ago?)
She also might think about getting a gun. Daniel says it won’t stop
people from approaching the house. Didn’t we just see this same story
with Eva and Jon?
TAMPA, FL Alicia’s Fox’s House

Alicia
and her sister and are there when Rosa and Paige arrive. Rosa and Paige
sit on an old leather sofa, writhing and moaning, while Paige says the
couch is “so sexual”. Alicia and her sister chuckle uncontrollably from
across the table. (MATT: Did I miss a scene where everyone popped Ex like Tic Tacs? I don’t get this at all.) Rosa asks to see Alicia’s closet Paige informs the camera that the three of them are the “Three Amigas”. (MATT: All of the sudden.) Rosa tells Alicia that they need to go out tonight so that Rosa can find a “pretty boy or pretty girl”. (MATT: No confidence whatsoever.) Alicia’s
sister looks a bit weirded out by Rosa’s preferences and tells Rosa
that she has not been with a girl. Paige confesses that she has. Paige
leaves the house to work out and Rosa tells the remaining girls that
knowing that Paige has been with a girl, her feelings for her have
“evolved”. (MATT: “Evolved”? They’ve been together all of two minutes.) Alicia’s sister says she is coming on too strong and Alicia agrees, saying that Rosa is misreading Paige’s feelings.
WWE LIVE EVENT
Backstage
Eva
is freaking out that she won’t be ready for the shoot. She tells Nattie
and Rosa that she has been skipping meals. Eva complains that she
thinks she looks fat in a promo photo plastered on one of the WWE buses.
Cameron is disgusted with Eva as she thinks she looks great. Cameron
says that WWE Divas are “role models” who “empower women” (*MATT SPITS WINE OUT OF MOUTH*) and that Eva wouldn’t even be a part of WWE if she wasn’t “The Bomb Dot Com”. (MATT: There has to be some sort of monetary sum that will make Cameron stop saying that phrase.) Titus O’Neil shows up randomly. (MATT: Kinda like he does on WWE programming. Hi-yooooo!) Cameron asks Titus to rank himself from 1 to 10 on the “Bomb Dot Com Scale”. (MATT: NOBODY can deny the science behind the results of this scale.) Naturally, Titus says he’s a “10”. Cameron asks him to rank Eva and he gives her a “10” as well, adding “you fine”. (MATT: Dr. O’Neill has spoken. Time for the peer review.) He tells Cameron she is an “8.5” due to “her attitude”. Cameron takes this seriously (MATT: Yes, but seriously as one takes Goofy Golf? I doubt that.) and keeps arguing with him and he keeps dropping the number while Cameron keeps shrieking “EWWWW!” in response.
SAN ANTONIO, TX Olympic Gym

Brie, Cameron, and Nattie (MATT: The Three Amigas!)
are working out with Vince McMahon’s personal trainer. He has them do
jumping jacks, push-ups, leg lifts. Brie says she has to step up her
safety game. The personal trainer reveals he worked in security for 23
years and recommends dogs, barbed wires, and, basically, things that
make a house look like trouble.
TAMPA, FL
Mise En Place (Restaurant)
Alicia is having dinner with Rosa and Paige. Paige “dressed up” which for her means wearing black as usual and a bare midriff. (MATT: I swear Paige has a closet of 75 of the same outfit.)
Alicia asks Rosa if she wants a family some day. Rosa says yes. Alicia
asks if she sees herself ending up with a man or a woman. Rosa says she
likes females the most. Alicia tells the camera that she “feels like a
third wheel”. (MATT: That’s “a fifth wheel”. Look, if I have to watch
this shit, can I, at the very least, watch women who have some sort of
functioning brain inside their heads?)
Alicia says she loves hanging
out with Rosa and Paige as they flirt in front of her. Later, dinner
gets out of hand. Paige fakes a fall to the ground but gets up quickly
as Alicia LOUDLY announces to guests nearby that “Rosa ran by and hit
Paige with her tits.” The three decide to leave. (MATT: Or they were tossed out. The guests seated near them didn’t look happy.) Rosa’s cab arrives, Rosa asks the cab driver to wait for a moment, then gives Paige a really awkward and uncomfortable-looking kiss. (MATT: Oh brother, not only would seeing this not turn a single viewer on, it would give them fucking measles.)
Paige asks what that was for. Rosa said she was getting signals from
Paige, but Paige says that wasn’t true at all. She says that Rosa
deserves the man or woman of her dreams, but it’s not her. Rosa insists
that things like Paige texting her back right away and flirting with her
meant she was interested. Paige denies this and says that Rosa must not
have had a proper friendship before, thus her mistaking friendship for
love.
PHOENIX, AZ Airport – Daniel Bryan’s Car

Daniel
picks up Brie with Josie in the back. Brie asks how Josie was and
learns that she’s been pooping in the garden more. Unconcerned, (MATT: And because casual dialogue on this show is more fake than the manufactured storylines,)  Brie segues into the great workout she got with Vince’s trainer. She says they should put up a “bob wire”.

(MATT: “Bob” wire?! Can we just have this be the final episode please?)

Daniel
makes fun of her for the mispronunciation and can’t stop laughing,
despite Brie shouting at him to shut up and stop making fun of her. Brie
says, “That’s weird to say…’Barb’s wire’.” Again, Bryan corrects her
and tells her it’s “Barb Wire” because the wire has sharp, pointy barbs
on it. Brie tries to talk over his laughing and says they should get a
“motion sensor dog bark” if “that exists”. What, does Josie meow? Bryan
says he has an even better idea: a gate-activated crossbow that would
fire at anyone trying to enter. Brie says, on camera, that she LOVES
Bryan’s “crossbow idea” and that she wants to set the house up for war. (MATT: Once again…the sex better be out of this fucking galaxy…)

ORLANDO, FL WWE Performance Center

Rosa
and Paige work out in the ring and it is mentioned that they have not
heard from Rosa since their dinner together. Paige confesses Rosa kissed
her. Alicia said she warned Rosa not to do that. Alicia suggests that
Paige was sending mixed signals. (MATT: You mean “she was asking for it”?)
LOS ANGELES, CA Sky (Boutique) 

Cameron
and Eva are trying on clothes. Eva does not come out of the dressing
room. Cameron knocks on the door, concerned, then enters. (MATT: And is shot and killed by a motion-control crossbow.) Eva is sitting down and saying she got light headed. Eva says she hasn’t eaten since lunch the day before.
PHOENIX, AZ Brie and Daniel’s House

Brie has hired a contractor to put “bob” wire in (MATT: Yes. She says, “Bob” wire again.) and Daniel finds out about it only as he’s coming home and seeing it being installed. (MATT: Yeah, Daniel Bryan, who keeps track of every dime the two of them spend totally didn’t know about this.)
He says it makes their house looks like a prison. He says they should
do it to their neighbor’s homes without asking as well. He makes fun of
Brie’s “beware of dog” sign as well since Josie is a little ankle-biter.
ORLANDO, CA Paige’s Car

The girls miss Rosa and want her to join them for some fun. (MATT: They’re going for a walk near a lake. What kind of “fun” could they possibly have?)
Paige calls her and it goes right to voice mail. Alicia says if she
calls and Rosa answers, then it was all Paige’s fault. Rosa answers on
the second ring. This makes Paige mad.
Gator’s Dockside (Sports Bar)
Rosa
describes where she is, so the girls go to see her. Rosa is sitting
with four dudes who all look more than interested in Rosa. (MATT: Yeah, and she’s “giving signals” and “asking for it”.)
Paige is pissed when she discovers Rosa is drinking. Rosa denies this
and tells her that it’s a Diet Coke. Paige takes her away to talk to her
and says Rosa made things weird. Rosa said that Paige made it seem like
she liked her. Paige: “SINCE FUCKING WHEN???” Alicia tries to be a
peacekeeper.
LOS ANGELES, CA Cameron’s Car

Cameron
says she and Jon have a surprise for Eva Marie. Cameron has spoken to
Jon about Eva’s body issues. Eva feels threatened that they are in
cahoots together. She feels like she is in an intervention.
PHOENIX, AZ Brie and Daniel’s House

Brie is washing dishes and Daniel says she is washing dishes “like a good wife should”. (MATT: Later, they’ll have sex because Brie was “asking for it”.) Brie says she wants to leave the fence with the “bob wire” up. (MATT: I can just picture cameramen and producers, off-screen, whispering, “BARB wire…it’s BARB wire!”)
If they take it down, she wants to move. Daniel reminds her how much
work they spent on the place and that he shoveled dirt for 16 hours just
to put in the fencing. He says they can start a neighborhood watch if
that will make her feel safe. She says she will probably feel safe after
she goes to some watch meetings and if she does, they can stay. She
agrees take take the fence down because women are always wrong on this
show.
LOS ANGELES, CA Jordan (Artist’s Loft)

Here’s
the plan: Eva has to look in the mirror and tell an artist what she
looks like and he will draw what she describes. Then, his assistant will
describe what she looks like to the artist and the artist will draw her
again based on that description.And, wouldn’t you know it, Eva
describes how fat and dumpy she is. The artist sketches what she says.
Then Christopher, his assistant, looks at Eva and describes her to
Jordan and he draws his version of Eva. Eva bursts into tears when she
is shown the two drawings.

(MATT: “The right one is what you could look like if you lost that pound, fatty.”)

Not
one to be upstaged, bursts into tears, too. Jon says that she has to
know how beautiful she is. Eva says that it’s hard to believe that she’s
that beautiful because of “all the stress in her life”.

ALBANY, NY Hotel Lobby

Alicia
and Paige are joined by Nattie, who is happy she got laundry done. Rosa
walks by and Paige tries to say hello. Rosa says she has nothing to say
to her and walks away. Paige explains the situation to Nattie. The
girls tell Paige she is so flirty and probably gave off the wrong
signals by mistake. (MATT: That’s right – another woman telling Paige that it’s HER fault that Rosa mouth-raped her. All Paige’s fault.) Alicia doubles down and tells the camera, “Paige needs to be careful next time and be more clear of her intention.” (MATT:
Having lately put up with multiple uber-feminists who don’t believe
that women don’t victim-blame and that it’s “soley men” that do this,
I’d love — LOVE — for them to explain this episode to me. Please.)
ALBANY, NY for Friday Night SmackdownRingside – Summer Rae vs. Natalya

Summer Rae and Nattie are fighting in the ring.Backstage
Paige
proudly wears a fake fur coat. She takes Rosa to a private room to
apologize for making her think she wanted anything more than a friend.
Rosa says she’s been rejected so much that she’s fragile, “like glass
that can break at any moment”. (MATT: So, she needs to kiss…other…glasses that are…solid. I guess…)
Rosa says Paige can still flirt with her and she won’t take it wrong.
Rosa says it means so much that she said she’s sorry. She never heard
Paige do that before. Paige says she rarely does because she doesn’t
have a heart. (MATT: And, so, Paige is sorry that Rosa kissed her because she was really asking for it. What a message.)

LOS ANGELES, CA
Photo Shoot
Eva
is getting made up and they put tanner on her. Then they put it on her
stomach and emphasize how “tiny” she is. Eva nails the photo shoot
because, weird as it sounds, she wasn’t really fat. (MATT: What a twist. Somebody call M. Night Shyamalan.)HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: Being
flirty doesn’t mean you want someone to kiss you. While I don’t believe
she’s never apologized before, it probably is a rare moment in her
life, so between dodging kisses for being herself and having some
personal growth, she came off pretty normal and as somebody one could
relate with.
This week’s punch goes to…Brie:
Even if the robbery was recent (not, say, months ago when it actually
happened), putting in barbed wire without even consulting her husband
was quite immature. When you share a home and finances, you share
decisions like that.Matt
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: She’s
gonna be in this slot forever. I don’t give a damn if she’s punching
kittens and clubbing baby seals. I’m beyond baffled that she’d even be
involved with a storyline where she was blamed for somebody attempting
to make out with her.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Cameron: She
edges out Brie simply because Brie had good intentions behind her
actions. Cameron is like that teenager who never grew up. Every single
thing she does in and out of the ring is annoying. Everything she says
is annoying. Her gimmick is annoying. Her voice is annoying.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 13 – “Twin Leaks”

(NOTE: This may be
the last of this type of formatting you see on this report. We may try
something new next week. Otherwise, we hope you enjoy this week’s
recap!)

Last episode…

  • Eva Marie went to Nikki’s fertility doctor to
    find out if she could have kids. She found out to her dismay that she
    could and then confessed to her husband Jon that she didn’t want kids.
    He managed to convince her that someday she might because only his
    opinions matter.
  • Nikki blames Brie and pretty much only Brie for
    going behind her back and confronting John Cena about his desire to not
    get married, leading to their breakup, even though her mom and brother
    also participated.
  • Rosa has a wardrobe malfunction and her butt
    gets flashed to the world at a match. She’s horrified, then delighted by
    all her new Twitter fans, so she and Alicia Fox rehearse how she could
    flash a boob at a match. Even though it’s all talk, it gets back to
    management who threatens to fire her then relents.

(MATT: If you weren’t convinced that Vince
McMahon was a juvenile old perv, the title of this episode should fully
convince you of that fact.)

KANSAS CITY, MO for Monday Night RAW 

Ringside/Backstage
Brie
is in the ring with Summer Rae. Backstage, the other Divas criticize
Summer and even Nattie can’t say Summer has a good heart without
laughing. They do admit she has gorgeous hair (MATT: So, Summer’s got that going for her…which is good.)
and Alicia just says, “I can buy better hair”. Nattie dances with
Alicia to celebrate Negativity while Paige refuses to make fun of Summer
because Summer was “the only one that was nice to her when she first
arrived”. Instead, she gives Nattie the finger.

TITLES 

MIAMI, FL

Cena’s regular gym
John and Nikki are working out. As they enter, he asks if she’s cold as her nipples are poking out through her workout outfit. (MATT: 1 minute, 47 seconds for the first boob joke. They’re slipping.) Nikki doesn’t want to work out as she just got a facial and I’m sure Matt has a dirty joke for this. (MATT: Working out after having your face made up is NOT a joke, Danielle. Also…heh…splooooge.) John has to insult her by telling her that she isn’t strong. So, Nikki flexes her arms.

(MATT: And she can probably kick my ass. That’s disturbing.)

To prove his point, Cena grabs a heavyweight plate
— and throws it at her. Nikki ducks in understandable fear that she’s
about to have a broken arm and two broken feet to go with them — but it
turns out the plates are plastic, not metal. Cena and his trainer, Rob
(AKA “This Fuckin’ Guy”), just laugh.

(MATT: “Abuse is HILARIOUS!”)

Out of nowhere, Nikki says that she can beat John
in a race. Cena begs to differ and says that he doesn’t even want to
prove he can win because he doesn’t want to embarrass her. Nikki tells
the camera, “HEY! I’m good at things, too!” (MATT: Man…sex
with her better be fucking great because I don’t think I could tolerate
Nikki for more than four seconds before walking out of the room.)

This Fuckin’ Guy says that they should have a contest to determine who
is the better of the two by doing a “decathlon”. Nikki says that sounds
fun but it shouldn’t include an IQ test because she’ll lose, saying, “He
knows bigger words than me!” (MATT: Make that REAL fucking great.) Rob will set it up for them.

LOS ANGELES,CA

Eva Marie and Jon’s apartment
Eva
gets out of the shower and tells Jon that her breasts feel different.
Jon feels her boobs. He tells her that he feels lumps. Dr. Obvious tells
her if her silicone ruptures, it would be a nightmare. She tells us
this is the worst possible time in her career for a medical issue
because she’s “finally getting a big push” and “has momentum”. (MATT: Just take Eva’s word for that.) We cut to clips of her career including her winning the WWE Divas Champion — oh wait, she’s never won that. (MATT: We no longer need my comments with snark like that.) He wants her to see a doctor ASAP, she’s scared.

LAS VEGAS, NV – UNLV Thomas & Mack Center for Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Big
Show tells Brie that her Brie Mode shirt makes her look hot. Show says
that if he wore a shirt like that, he’d look like the Michelin Man. (MATT: Then Show turns heel and punches Brie in the head.) Somehow,
Brie works in the fact that the shirt is the same color as the blood
when she’s on her period. Big Show doesn’t want to hear that and neither
does Heath Slater who’s just there for the sake of saying, “Yeah, Brie.
Gross.”

Ringside – Paige vs Natalya
It’s
a normal Divas match until Paige gets weirdly aggressive,
heavy-breathing on Natalya, licking her cheek and just acting like a
sexual predator.

Backstage
Natalya confronts Paige about her in-ring behavior. Paige channels her inner Alpha Jock and says, “Oh…you didn’t like that?” (MATT: Natalya, however, has her beat with the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard come out of a woman’s mouth: “If I were a guy, I’d love it.” I swear, this whole show is culminating in Nattie discovering that she’s gay and she’s been fighting it for a long time.) Paige tells her that she won’t do it again. mockingly asking, “Ok, pumpkin?” Nattie walks off in a huff.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Bedford Surgical Center
While waiting for the doctor, Jon puts implants in his tank top, then jiggles them around and rubs them on Eva’s face. (MATT: This makes the pot brownie storyline look well-nuanced.)
Dr. David Kim comes in and asks Eva what is going on. He says she has
too much tissue at the bottom of the breasts and, as they are 9 years
old, there could be a leak. He says it would be 2 to 3 months of down
time, following surgery, until she could go back in the ring. They do a
blood test to determine if they are in fact leaking.

Random Hotel Restaurant
Nattie tells Cameron and Eva that Paige wrestled with her in a sexual manner. The girls tell her to let her be herself. (MATT: Yeah, Nattie. Sexual harassment is COOL!) Nattie
says that sexualizing things isn’t good — then, in the same sentence
(and in front of everyone), says that she has better breasts than Paige.

(MATT: Fucking hell…there’s 30 more minutes of this bullshit…)

Eva looks like she is going to cry the whole time as it’s clear she is thinking about her problem and not Nattie. (MATT: Maybe Nattie could cheer Eva up, then simultaneously declare that her breasts are better since they don’t leak.) Meanwhile,
Rosa and Alicia have arrived to join the girls. Rosa remarks that she
hopes to see Paige — and hopes that Paige is wearing a short skirt. The
two join the table and Paige, immediately gets Grinchy Evil, telling
Nattie they will be grappling soon. Paige rubs her chest on Rosa who
loves it. (MATT: And she’s not even a guy!) Boobs are
complimented and fun is had — but Eva gets a call from Dr. Kims office
and leaves to take it. Eva is devastated to hear that her blood has
tested positice for silicone and that she will need surgery to fix that.
(MATT: And this is so terribly scripted. The phone is set on
speaker. It’s a wonder the rest of the restaurant didn’t hear the call.)
Since when do you get a bad diagnosis like that over the phone?

SEATTLE, WA for Friday Night SmackDown

Backstage
The
girls are discussing photos. Nattie takes a photo with Nikki. Nikki 
hits the Terrible Bella Segue button and says she and John take lots of
pics together and that they’re having a competition. The girls, however,
think she’s going to lose. Nikki is upset that they don’t agree she
will win because girl power. Nattie asks what Nikki’s going to make John
do if she beats him. Nikki, in a moment where you know she can’t win, says she has no idea.

Ringside – Eva Marie vs. AJ Lee
Eva
wins the match and tells the camera that she doesn’t want to take off
time with her career taking off do to. You know, with all that
“momentum” she has.

TAMPA, FL

John Cena’s car
They
are going to the Grand Prix for their first event. Nikki says she is
going to win every competition. Nikki says she wants a trophy if she
wins. He suggests a hive of friendly bees so they won’t kill her. (MATT: Nah, that’s just John’s passive aggressive way of saying that he wishes he could murder her.) He wishes her luck. They shake hands, then they fondle each other.

(MATT: I have a feeling this will be far more entertaining than what we’re about to see…)

Grand Prix Family Fun Center
Nikki
and This Fuckin’ Guy are out front, waiting for John to come out of the
restroom. When he does resurface, he’s dressed like a ninja that
couldn’t find his face mask.

(MATT: I have to keep posting pictures because, otherwise,
you won’t believe a goddamn word we’re saying.)

They go to race. He crashes his car into hers on purpose so he can win. Nikki is horrified that he cheated. (MATT: I count this as a Cena heel turn.) She says he’s a cheater, gives him the finger and storms off. (MATT: It’s her fault. She should have used the blue shell when she had it.)

TAMPA, FL

Grand Prix Arcade
It’s time for mini-golf and, accordingly, Cena shows up in a golfing outfit complete with spiked shoes.

(MATT: Even MS Paint is telling me it’s tired of screen-capping this shit.)

Nikki is just beside herself and says that he’s
being silly, then says that Cena is already cheating because he’s
wearing spikes, which aren’t allowed in “Goofy Golf”. (MATT: At this point, Danielle actually stopped the show and said, “This show is awful. It’s just awful.” I swear to Jeebus.) Nikki asks Rob if what Cena is doing is illegal.

(MATT: Don’t ask Rob. He’s only here because Cena’s paying him.)

Cena has his own professional-level putter and
Nikki accuses him of cheating again. He then goes on to beat her in the
batting cages and heckles her. He wins handily at skee ball at well. She
complains on camera that he isn’t taking this seriously as he keeps
wearing various outfits and making fun of her. (MATT: Yes. Cena’s not taking Go-Karting, Goofy Golf or Skee Ball seriously.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Eva Marie and Jon’s house
Eva
doesn’t wanna carry shit down the stairs so she throws things from the
second floor to the first to save time. He tells her that the house is
not a treehouse. He asks when her surgery is so he can get time off,
then is dismayed to learn that she cancelled it. She defends her
position, telling him that it was not a good time for her to have them
taken out as she’s wrestling every weekend. Jon learns Mark Carrano and
the other talent reps don’t even know she has this situation going on.
Jon gets mad that she is again hiding things from him like she did about
not wanting kids. She tells him that it’s her body and decision. (MATT: To get horribly sick and die?!)

TAMPA, FL

Nikki and Jon’s house
Their
final event is Beer Pong and she was good at that at college. John
takes this REAL serious for a change and comes in, dressed like a Frat
Boy.

(MATT: Suddenly, his ring attire seems genius.)

Rob shakes his head in silent dismay.

(MATT: “I’m just gonna be quiet, drink my free beer, get paid, and go home…”)

For once, they seem evenly matched. She even starts
winning big time. Finally, she needs only more ball in his last cup to win.
Then, suddenly, Nikki just can’t get the ball in the last cup. And, much to the
surprise of nobody, it’s a tie game with one cup, each. Cena gets into her
head, telling her she’s been on one for a long time and then, eventually, he
wins. Cena gets real obnoxious to the point where Nikki’s had it and throws her
beer in is face. Rob: “That’s not very sportsman-like…”

(“Rob, go to Expression #2…”

Nikki storms upstairs because, unlike Nattie, she doesn’t
storm off by leaving the house. Cena comes upstairs to the bedoorm where Nikki
is sulking. She complains he made the whole thing into a joke. And Cena finally
explains what Nikki doesn’t seem to grasp: “Was it ever supposed to be
serious? We did beer pong and skee ball and Goofy Golf.” (MATT:
“Do you understand that these are silly games or do I need to bring Rob in
here to explain?”)
Still, she seems upset that he won everything and
pouts. He says he was just trying to have fun with it and he’s sorry if went
over the line. They apologize to each other and kiss and makeup. Nikki tells
the camera that it was all her fault because she didn’t have fun and made
everything too serious. (MATT: WOMEN – It’s always all their fault. This
message brought to you by the women of Total Divas.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 


Cameron’s car
Eva’s phone rings and it’s Mark Carrano, WWE’s Senior
Director of Talent Relations. He tells Eva that Jon called and left him a voice
mail — but didn’t tell him why he was calling. Because of this, Mark
called Eva to get some clarification. Eva lies to him and says she has no idea.
She calls Jon, furious, and wants him to call her back. 

Eva Marie and Jon’s House
Jon comes home and she is still in PJs. She says that
she’s mad that he embarrassed her by calling her boss. He says he would
embarrass her in front of the President of the United States if that’s what it
takes for her health. She keeps telling him and the camera that she would never
call his work and embarrass him. He says she is putting her career over her
health, which should be her priority. They get in a shouting match and Jon dubs
everything she’s saying and doing “stupid”. Eva goes into the bedroom
and slams the door on Jon.

SAN DIEGO, CA 

Nirvana Grille and Bliss Bar
Eva, Brie and Nikki are having dinner and — wait. Nikki
and Brie are fine with each other now. (MATT: Shut up and don’t question
it!)
Nikki says she needs some carbs in her life for her “reverse
cowgirl later”. If she can’t beat Jon (at sports), she’ll just fuck him
’till he has no energy – good plan. (MATT: Besides, it’s the only way John
can ever justify being with somebody who thinks Skee Ball is an Olympic-level
event.)
Eva Marie just comes out with it: her breasts are leaking silicone
and she needs them out. Nikki is visibly disturbed by this for obvious
reasons.

(PICTURED: “Reasons”.)

They both advise her that she should not be wrestling now.
They go uber-hypothetical and speculate that Eva could injure somebody else in
the ring if her boobs hurt. “If you have somebody in a body slam, and that
pain hit, you could drop someone on their head.” Brie explains. (MATT:
Take it from a couple girls who know something about being dropped on their
heads.)
Nikki doubles down: “If I was wrestling with my injured shin
and I had somebody up for a body slam, my leg could have broken in half.”
They convince her she will not be forgotten about if she takes time off. (MATT:
That was awesome that they said that with a straight face.)
Nikki relates
the story of how she was out for five months with her shins. “I was out
for 5 months and look where I am now”. Eva realizes Nikki got the biggest
push of her career after. (MATT: Yeah, but Eva’s banging “Jon”,
not “John”, so…)
She says she will take to Carrano about it.
The girls toast her getting her silicone out. Nikki jokes that Daniel Bryan
called and said Brie was to pick up the bill, which, as he’s notoriously frugal,
would never happen.

HOUSTON, TX for WWE Main Event 

Backstage
Paige and Nattie talk. Nattie wants their match to have a
good story and to be one Stephanie McMahon’s daughters can watch. Paige
agrees.


Ringside – Paige vs. Natalya
Paige kicks her in the back of the head and, when she is
down, licks her cheek. Nattie uses her anger in the ring but Paige wins.

Backstage
Nattie yells at Paige for humping her and licking her
face. Paige claims she got her mad to get a great match. Nattie agrees that
Paige has a plan and maybe they can use it. Nattie: “Maybe a little light
humping is okay!” (MATT: I’ll take “Things a Rapist Might
Say” for $200, Alex.)
Nattie surprises her by licking Paige’s cheek,
slapping her on the ass and grabbing her boobs. Paige giggles and says Nattie
is turning her on.

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Dr. Kim’s Office/Surgical Center
Eva is getting her silicone out and having saline put in.
She learns she can still do her photo shoot in two weeks as long as she doesn’t
lift anything. Eva’s husband and mom are there. They joke that her mom will get
bigger implants than she has.


HOLLYWOOD, CA 

Roosevelt Hotel
Eva Marie admits her husband was right: without her
health, there is no career. She’s woozy as she says that, sometimes, he’s
right. Also, her skin is really pale yellow. The twins call to cheer her up.
Jon says everyone loves her to which she says either they love me or they’re
happy as fuck that I’m not there. Eva: “I’ll take it.”


HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle 

This week’s hug goes to…Eva: I know what it’s
like to have the feeling that, if you take off — even the tiniest amount of
time to get a health problem treated — your job won’t be there. She was
immature, but honestly scared and no surgery is 100% guaranteed risk free.
Also, she was able to admit her husband was right, which for her was a huge
amount of personal growth. 

This week’s punch goes to…John Cena: While it
was amusing (at first) that he had clothes for the so-called “sporting
events” they had (and presumably the other six), he went over the top,
making fun of his girlfriend and needlessly heckled her. You can have fun and
be competitive without being an ass. Well…you can if you’re not Cena.

Matt 

This week’s hug goes to…John Cena: Because Nikki
is a hollow-headed nut and MAIGOD, who the fuck takes Goofy Golf seriously?!
And none of that storyline made any sense whatsoever. Cena made a joke out of
it because the whole thing WAS a joke on several levels. He even out-Paiged
Paige this episode — and that’s hard to do. 

Annoying Cast Member of the Week…Natalya: I
can’t hate Eva even though she’s Nikki 2.0. The level of sheer incompetence
over a pretty simple issue (Dealing with poison in one’s bloodstream from a
broken silicon breast vs. Ignoring that shit and wrestling into an early grave)
is aggravating. In fact, here’s another simple lesson: if you’re a woman and
you’re wrestling…don’t buy fake boobs. That may sound sexist, but
considering WWE exploits these women and, in the process, has them taking risks
that may damage what they’re exploiting, I’d say WWE’s a lot more sexist and
insensitive towards women than I am. So, anyway, what I’m trying to say is that
Eva’s skin was yellow and she was woozy and cute. Nattie, on the other hand,
didn’t want to get humped. Then changed her mind in four seconds and started
grabbing boob. I just can’t.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 12 – “Baby Not On Board”

In our last episode:
  • Paige was introduced to Nattie
    who decides Paige is her new BFF because reasons. Paige encourages
    Nattie to go to a party then plays a mean prank on her: she tells Nattie
    that the brownies she ate there contained Marijuana, causing Nattie to
    freak out and fabricate a car accident in order to delay a (MATT: conveniently-timed) drug test by WWE. Paige later confesses. Somehow, they’re still BFF’s.
  • Nikki learned Brie, JJ and Kathy
    had spoken to John Cena, causing them to break up. Upon learning the truth, they
    got back together and Nikki stayed mad at Brie although she forgave her family.
  • Yet, oh, so coincidentally, the twins
    get a story line where they are at war with each other in WWE. Brie even
    gets booked to fight Stephanie McMahon at Summer Slam.
Century Link Center in OMAHA,
NE
 

Backstage

Paige
sees Big E and jokes he isn’t
wearing underwear under his shorts. She chest-bumps him a few times,
touches
his pecs and jokes how she hopes it’s not sexual harassment and then
slaps his chest, plays with his pecs and makes them bounce around.

(MATT: A simple description and picture doesn’t do this justice…)

 
TITLES. 

(MATT: Heh…titties.)
It says “TITLES”.
(MATT: Whatever…) 

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Eva’s
Car

Eva Marie and Cameron are in a car, on their way to a fertility doctor Nikki referred Eva to. (MATT: I swear, Cameron is playing the role of JoJo and WWE is hoping we won’t notice.) Now that they are
married, Jon wants to her pop out “a whole football team”.  

Jane
Frederick, MD Office – Fertility Clinic

Eva reveals that she developed a cyst and
has a heart shape uterus. Eva says they aren’t trying to have a kid yet and
seems very apprehensive. Cameron tells the doctor that, eventually, they’ll have a little “mixture” running around.

(MATT: And, with that assessment, Eva’s reproductive system shuts itself down for good.)

The doctor wants to see how fertile Eva by running a
lot of tests. The doctor does an exam with Eva in stirrups and tells her
someday she will be that position, giving birth. (MATT: “Or you’re sterile and my words will be heard in your nightmares for years to come!”)

OMAHA,
NE – CenturyLink Center for WWE Main Event

Backstage

Brie is backstage, talking with Joe
Hickey of WWE Product Development. She tells the camera that they’ve been waiting for Bella merch for so long and now, they’ve finally got it. She adds that it’s a little weird as Nikki
isn’t talking to her but they must stay professional at their workplace. But, instead, Nikki decides to get real personal and, risking the merch deal, asks the merch guys if they have siblings and if they would
betray them by going behind their backs in order to get an SO to leave them. The
merch guys stay silent.

(MATT: “To be honest, I just came here to sneak a look at your cleavage every few minutes…”)

Meanwhile, for no discernable reason whatsoever, Reverend
Jesse Jackson is backstage. The twins meet him and get pictures. Brie tells the camera she wishes he would
preach love to her sister.  

Following this, Brie confronts Nikki and tells her that she’s acting unprofessionally. Nikki basically defends herself with the equivalent of “no, you.” (MATT: Jesse Jackson didn’t help heal them? What a surprise.) They storm off in opposite directions.

Paige is backstage, wreaking havoc as she tends to do. (MATT: She rams a service cart into JoJo “Living Bigfoot Sighting” Offerman, who’s also backstage for no discernable reason.) Paige also runs into Alicia Fox who introduces herself to the show. She gets a long promo in which says she
was the first African-American Divas champ. She describes herself as “a complete nut”. (MATT: Despite the fact that she’s nothing like that except for recently.) She want to know where Rosa is as
they are “friends”. Paige and Fox
make fun of Rosa’s dance steps.

Ringside
Fox and Paige watch Layla and
Summer Rae take on Natalya and Rosa. In a completely puzzling moment, Paige says she misses Nattie — then says, “I just saw her two seconds ago. And I miss her today.” And Alicia just giggles because she’s “fun”. Rosa tells the camera that “everything is looking up lately”. (MATT: Here comes the Hand of God to smack her back down in 3…2…) At one point in the match, Layla pulls Rosa off the mat, pulling at her trunks — and ends up accidentally exposing Rosa’s bare ass to the crowd. (MATT: I covered this in my Main Event recap for this episode. If I’m not mistaken, you actually saw nothing because WWE Network has all their stuff on time delay in case things like this happen. The screen went to black when Layla reached up to grab her and picked back up once Rosa was on the ground. I don’t understand WWE censors. They don’t want you to see it then — but they will let you see it later. Pick a lane.) 

Backstage
Rosa joins them
and she hopes Layla, Rosa and Paige will reassure her that barely anything was visible, Instead, they brag about seeing her ass and allude to possibly seeing her vagina had she been bending over. Rosa begins to sob as Paige and Alicia laugh their asses off and speculate that Rosa could lose her job as it’s a PG show. (MATT: How does somebody get fired because something was done to them? That’s like one of my co-workers getting fired after I punched them in the face.)

LOS
ANGELES, CA
 

Javier’s (Restaurant)

Cameron
is so happy that Eva and her husband are back in California. Cameron pushes her asking
if they will raise kids here. Eva’s a little unhappy that Jon wants a big family because she doesn’t want kids at all. She doesn’t want to go through the fertility
treatments or go through pregnancy. “I freak out over water weight having a
baby in your gut is just a lot.” Also, they are both just starting career-wise and she wants them to soar
before they start a family. (MATT: So, no kids because she’s vain and won’t be on WWE television? How’s that any different than now?) She hopes she is
infertile so she doesn’t have to say anything to her husband. Cameron gets her
to admit she has been lying the whole time about wanting kids. Things moved so fast in their relationship
there isn’t time to talk about it she tells the camera. Eva is so blessed, she starts crying. (MATT: Quick! Somebody find Paige and Alicia so they can laugh at her!)

WICHITA, KS 

Gym

Rosa
tells Alicia that she has 25,000 more followers and 11,000 more Instagram
followers because of the bare ass reveal. She has a plan: to have another “wardrobe malfunction” which “accidentally” exposes her boob. (MATT: Even Alicia Fox calls her nuts, which is almost equal to the scene in Return of the Jedi when Darth Vader realizes just how sadistic the Emperor really is.)

FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN 

Backstage
Naomi
is talking to Alicia backstage. Naomi says Vince saw her near-naked. Naomi laughs about it. Brie appears out of nowhere and is wearing
a Brie Mode shirt. Conveniently, Nikki happens to walk by. Brie asks her when their spot is. Nikki ignores her and Brie explains to Alicia and Naomi that Nikki’s still mad at her. Nikki tells the camera that Brie “nearly ruined her love life”. (MATT: For all of 48 hours.) She tells Brie that she has no time for “a back-stabbing bitch”.

Ringside – Nikki vs. Naomi
Nikki
gets in some great shots and tells the camera that, throughout the latest break-up scare, she’s been “very professional”. Nikki says that she is still mad at Brie and wants
to take out her anger on Naomi in the ring. Nikki wins easily.

(MATT: Very professional…)

  • Like the time she almost killed a mutually-lucrative merchandise deal by discussing personal matters in front of the merchandise production team.
  • Or calling her own sister names in front of two Divas just because Brie didn’t know what time they were supposed to head to the ring. 
  • Or nearly destroying Naomi for realz because she was “angry”. 

Backstage 
Brie wants two minutes with John Cena. (MATT: That probably isn’t the first time Cena’s heard that from a woman.) He gives her two minutes. Brie says
it seems like she is always apologizing to him or asking a huge favor. Cena: “Or…trying to ruin my personal life.” She tells him that Nikki is still mad
at her and wants his help in getting him to forgive her. He explains to Brie that she needs to start by understanding how Nikki feels: had the positions been reversed and
Nikki asked Daniel Bryan to lunch to ask him to divorce Brie, she’d feel
resentment even if Nikki apologized. John wisely tells her to give Nikki some
space. (MATT: Sage advice. Either one of two things is true here: 1) All the women on this show are vapid airheads or 2) they’re pretending to be vapid airheads because Vince told them all that MEN do all the smart-talking and explaining on this show.)

Rosa and Alicia’s hotel room 
Rosa is showing a few
outfits and how she should have a wardrobe malfunction by exposing her breast. The
girls bounce and wrestle on the bed. They practice their moves and how there could
be the wardrobe malfunction though
blurring out her breast – sorry Matt. (MATT: No need. That’s the highlight of the show, censors be damned.) In a weird moment of mental sobriety, Rosa
is forced to look at the likely consequences of her actions, which
would probably include the both of them losing their jobs. They
decide it’s a bad idea but Rosa is happy she gets to hang with (MATT: And get felt up by) her friend. She
wishes the other girls would get along with her. Alicia says she shouldn’t let
it get to her. Rosa reflects to the camera on how she doesn’t get why the girls don’t like her. (MATT: Then we see a montage of all the times when Rosa acted like an ass to the other girls, capped off with a clip of her spinning tales to the Divas about her “nervous vomiting” issues. Even the editors can’t stand Rosa.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Eva Marie and Jon’s house 

Eva is wearing a bikini and looking at herself
in the mirror. She’s grossed out at how she looks but Jon (MATT: Who lays there, in bed, looking like he’s ready to tap it, caveman style…) tells her how hot she is. She says she wants to lose
15 lbs. He asks about her fertility results and when they’ll have them. He says it isn’t a big deal. Worst case scenario,
they adopt some kids. He has them pray that they can have “little miracle babies”. (MATT: Ok…in “Eggs Over Freezing”, Jon tells Eva he won’t switch his religion. This, despite the fact that he’s Christian and she’s Catholic. I know that Catholicism is pretty much the slightly smarter, yet still mostly naive, brother to Christianity…but you’re telling me that he couldn’t have converted to Christianity for one fucking day? The show made it sound like he was Buddhist or Atheist or Agnostic or some other thing. I’m tellin’ ya’…this fuckin’ show…)

PHOENIX, AZ 

Mama Bella’s House

Brie comes to see her
mom and brother so they can discuss the Nikki and Brie situation. (MATT: They didn’t learn from the last three disastrous meetings between the three of them?) She tells the
camera that Nikki can hold a grudge for a long time. (MATT: Then, they drink shitloads of wine because that’s gonna make it all better.) Kathy says she should call
Nikki to “check her temperature”. Brie kinda agrees and says if they told her there was red wine, she might come over.
She says they should “splooge” on
Opus One. Kathy makes fun of her for mispronouncing the word “splurge”. (MATT: And we turn a serious situation into a “heh, heh, she said penis” moment.) Kathy calls Nikki
on speaker phone and tries to smooth things over. Nikki finally realizes the
call is on speaker phone though she lies to Nikki that she is alone. (MATT: And, of course, Nikki has the brain of a fucking fly and totally buys it.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

HRC Fertility Clinic 
Eva’s torn. She wants her tests to come back clean because that means she’s healthy. On the flip side of that coin, if there’s something wrong, then it will be easier to let Jon down. The doctor did, indeed, find a problem: a septum in her uterus, which is a piece of skin growing in the wrong
direction that can be easily corrected. But, she still has good eggs and will easily
be able to have a child. Now she has to tell Jonathan that she doesn’t want
kids.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Target Center for Monday Night RAW 

Backstage
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations,
calls Rosa over to talk to him. He tells him he knows she was planning a “wardrobe
malfunction”. Because of this, he’s also not sure he should believe the original “bare butt” incident was an accident. (MATT: This was so, so awkward and amusing. Carrano could hardly keep a straight face during this “talk”…especially when he utters the phrase, “bare buttocks”.) Rosa asks who told him but Carrano isn’t telling. (MATT: Shouldn’t it be obvious, you fucking twit?) He tells her that she’s close to rising to the top and if she wants that big push, she has to play by the rules. 

Rosa’s pissed and confronts Alicia about this. (MATT: Well done there, Sherlock. Your skills of deduction are unmatched.) Alicia said she never told Carrano but was telling the other girls. Rosa: “OMG, I knew it!” (MATT: Get paranoid, Rosa!) “They’re always trying to screw me!” (MATT: GET REAL PARANOID!) Moments later, all is forgiven. (MATT: Thank jeebus. My heart was in my goddamn throat over here.)

SAN DIEGO, CA 

John and Nikki’s House 
Nikki says she is not
going to the “big cousin dinner” that her family does once a month. All the
cousins will be there except for four and it’s close to where they live. Cena really wants her to go and tells her he will go if she does. 

LOS ANGELES, CA

Eva Marie and Jon’s House 
Eva tells Jon that she
went to the doctor and that, yes, she can conceive but it’s not what she wants to
do. He
thinks she means right away; she corrects him that she doesn’t want kids
at
all. She says she doesn’t have the maternal instinct whatsoever. Jon says he wanted a “basketball team”. (MATT: Maybe it’s just me…but telling a woman you want to birth as many children as it takes to field a professional sports team doesn’t help things…) He asks
why she would even want to marry him if she knew that he wanted children. He says she can’t be all about
family
as she says if she doesn’t want to have a family. She says she never
really
wanted kids she just kind of went along with it. He said if she has
communicated it in the beginning then he would have known what he was
getting into.  He says she lied to him and he’s so mad he’s
going to go work out. (MATT: “I’m gonna bench-press the HELL out those weights!”) Assuming this storyline is real, I think Jon could
get an
annulment pretty easy in California, citing fraud.

SAN DIEGO, CA 

Barley Mash (Bar) 
It’s Bella cousin night
and Nikki says she loves family time and won’t let Brie ruin that. So, Nikki says hello to Daniel and Brie, then turns her nose up at Brie and immediately goes to hang with a
few other cousins. (MATT: Way to “ruin” things, Brie.) Brie watches as Nikki chats with other family members. (MATT: Then watches as Nikki asks the bartender if he’s ever stabbed his twin brother in the back.) Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan’s wearing a trilby hat. (MATT: Oh, dear lord…)

(MATT: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!)

Brie says she’s “apologized” for the 27th time this episode. One of her cousins asks why they can’t just get along. So Brie approaches Nikki and says she wants to talk. Nikki tells her the same shit we’ve heard from Cena and Nikki in the last two episodes. Brie explains that she was in the wrong and that she was only thinking of herself. She won’t do it again. Nikki explains that it’s gonna “take her time”. (MATT: BECAUSE THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE!!!)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Orange County Crossfit (Gym)

Eva Marie has arrived to speak with Jon. (MATT: And to wrap up yet another storyline that had no suspense to begin with.) She convinces him to come to the car (MATT: …so she can blow him…) to talk to her. (MATT: Same thing.) She says
she should have told him the truth but she was scared to lose him because she
fell in love with him that fast. He says had she told him back then, he probably
would have married her anyway. However, she took the decision away from him, post-marriage. She
starts crying and says she can’t be the kind of Mom she has. He says he thinks
she will eventually get in her mind that she wants to have kids (MATT: WHAT?!) and then they will be popping out kids left and
right.

And, with that, this episode’s done.

PUNCHES AND HUGS  

Danielle 

This week’s hug goes to…Alicia Fox: Rosa has
only one friend. I guess. And I’m not even sure she can trust her. She thinks
that she has to practically be nude to do well in her career and it backfired
so hard, that the time she had a legitimate wardrobe malfunction, the execs couldn’t trust her due to her future plans to fake one.


This week’s punch goes
to…Eva Marie:
You don’t flip-flop about having kids in a few minutes,
especially when someone is trying to talk you into it. She lied to Jon simply by
not telling him she didn’t want them and, yes, that is lying by omission. But you
also don’t decide, “Hey…maybe I’ll have a change of heart.”

Matt

This week’s hug goes to…Paige: This is kinda sad. Paige’s addition to the show was most likely meant to elevate this show’s plummeting ratings. And Paige is like the Honey Badger: she don’t care. She’s like a Gremlin. A cute Gremlin. One that slaps man-boobs and runs over washed-up former Divas with service carts. She treats this show like a joke. And it is a joke. In fact, for myself, writing this section of the recap is a lot like Jerry Springer giving you the “What Did We Learn” segment of his talk show: I can’t even take half of what I see seriously because it’s so unbelievably phony and, so, I just write bullshit to fill space.

Most Annoying Cast Member goes to…Nikki/Brie: I’d put Rosa here but I like boobs. I like Alicia and Rosa wrestling in bed so that we can see some boob. I like how Rosa is a gigantic sexual predator who hits on anything that moves and she hasn’t been fired by WWE. And she’s gonna do it again: they already showed clips of her making out with Paige, so we have that to look forward to. But, I have to say that Nikki and Brie’s “angle” is so fucking awful. Every scene is “So, I’m mad at my sister because she ruined my love life”, followed by, “I totally apologized and I just want my sister back”, followed by “You’re a bitch, Brie”, followed by, “I tried to apologize”…and it just keeps going in circles — AND IT STILL ISN’T RESOLVED.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 11 – “Her Highness”

In our last episode, “The Divas Are Taking Over”:

  • Eva Marie and Jon got married in what was, technically, a vow
    renewal
    as they had originally eloped so she could have a special day for her
    Dad…and then proceeded to have a sexy, backless wedding dress with a
    huge cut out for cleavage and hips. She also wore a black wig so she
    looked like
    how her dad would remember her. I’m surprised she
    didn’t dance a tango with her Dad. (MATT: Or Fandango…that would have been fitting.)
  • Brie, her brother JJ and
    their Mom had a talk with John Cena in order to get him to leave Nikki if he
    really didn’t’ want marriage. At the episode’s end, he looked like he was
    going to ask her for a break.
  • Natalya and TJ fought a lot,
    could barely stay in the same hotel room and TJ even stupidly asked if
    he could have a final fling. 
  •  

Will John break up with Nikki? How crazy will Nattie
get? How much will TJ mope? Will Eva Marie continue to be happy? For
this review, Matt is by my side as usual but we’ve brought back the
great Tania Pereira to help us out!

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nikki’s Beach House
We start where we left off: John dumping Nikki. John says he’s the biggest weight dragging Nikki down. (MATT: Her boobs beg to differ.) He says she wanted to be married before he came along and to think about her life. Nikki asks if John’s dumping her. (TANIA: They’re just repeating the same storyline from a few weeks ago. It’s same goddamn storyline.) 

PHOENIX, AZ

Daniel and Brie’s House
Bryan’s wearing a Brie Mode T-shirt (MATT: He hates Brie Mode because of what it stands for, yet he’s wearing a Brie Mode shirt…this is just surreal.)
Brie asks how his physical therapy was. He says it went all right. Brie
tells him about Cena cutting it off with Nikki. Cena apparently didn’t
mention Brie or the conversation with the Bella family. Daniel tells
Brie it’s time to come clean and tell Nikki why John split with her.
Brie says “honesty would make it worse”. (MATT: “Worse”?! Holy shit. Are we really pretending Nikki won’t watch this later?)
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON FOR FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN

Backstage
Cameron
and Eva try to act like Rosa doesn’t work there to get here in trouble
for coming backstage. (MATT: Even more amusing – Cameron and Eva acting like best friends.) Brie talks merch and fans with Joe Hickey, Manager of Talent Merchandise. (MATT: I can safely says that this probably the closest Joe’s probably ever come to having sex with a woman.) He
tries to weigh in on her issue with meeting fans — except John Cena
walks in to interrupt, so Brie just totally cuts him off like she’s
running the red carpet at the Oscars. Brie wants to know why Cena didn’t
mention the family meeting. (TANIA: YOU ASKED JOHN TO KEEP THE INTERVENTION A SECRET LAST EPISODE, YOU IDIOT!)
Cena: “I don’t like throwing people under the bus.” Brie:
“Uh…wow…uh, thanks for that.” Brie tells the camera that John’s a
good man for not making this a bigger mess. (MATT: If she doesn’t
want a big mess, why is she asking Cena for answers?! OMG…this is
already the worst episode of the series…)
Cena explains to Brie that it the marriage thing was a “huge elephant in the room” and that Nikki needs to think about things.
Paige is backstage, wearing a fireman’s helmet while slithering and rolling around on the ground like a stripper on Shrooms. (MATT: As the backstage crew looks on, conflicted over whether to be aroused or sympathetic.). She gets up and flies into Nattie’s arms, squeezing her boobs and telling her they’re nice. (MATT: The fans who saw “Fighting With My Family” must feel profoundly ripped off right about now.) She introduces herself to the camera: “My name is Paige, I’m 22 years old and I’ve been wrestling for nine years. Suck it.” (TANIA: At least she’s honestly “22”. Unlike Rosa’s claim that she “felt like 26″…cuz she’s a rough 26…) 
She says she’s been wrestling “as a fetus” because she came out of her
Mom, a fighter. Nattie has Steph’s “Fit Series” for some reason and the
two both squeal about working out together. (MATT: Gratuitous advertising.) Paige is concerned about Nattie and TJ. She invites Nattie to a party so that she can get her mind off things.

Ringside
Rosa and Nattie watch backstage as Paige fights Naomi.Cameron interferes and Paige wins. (MATT: Even Total Divas isn’t exempt from shitty match finishes.)
PHOENIX, AZ

Brie’s Car
Nikki
admits to Brie that she drank a lot last night: two whole bottles of wine and can’t sleep. (TANIA:
You know what would be awesome? A drinking game where we drink every
single time they do.) (MATT: We wouldn’t make it through “Previously on
Total Divas”.)
Brie tells her that isn’t good to drink so much and that she can’t bear to hear her like this. (TANIA: Only because Brie’s the reason she feels like this.) So, they go for a shit-ton of donuts. (MATT: Wine? Bad. Obesity is a much better option.) They eat in the car as Nikki says “donuts make the pain go away”.
TAMPA, FL

Car

Nattie
says she doesn’t really party and she may be “single” but she isn’t
“ready to mingle”. Paige says she can’t wait to party with Nattie and
says it’s time to get “White Girl Wasted”.

Party
The “party” is inside an apartment that looks like the only thing a recently-divorced spouse could afford.  

(MATT: And the guests include…)

(MATT: …White Trash Fandango…)



(MATT: …your weird, lecherous Uncle Steve…)

(MATT: …Corey Hart Dudley…)

(MATT: …drunken selfie chick…)

(MATT: …and Calvin Klein model Wade Barrett.)

Natttie
yacks with Fandango and then eats a brownie while complaining to the
camera that this isn’t “her scene” because “there’s a guy with no shirt
on.” (TANIA: So, Nattie’s comfort level is obliterated by a guy from a summer pool party?) Nattie,
Fandango and Paige all chat it up in the corner and Paige asks Nattie
if the brownies she’s eating are good. Nattie says they’re a bit dry.
Paige replies that it doesn’t matter because they’ll make her “feel
happy” in a few moments. Nattie doesn’t get what Paige is trying to
construe and says that she’s “happy, happy, joy, joy!” Paige chuckles
and says, “But, really, there’s drugs in the brownies.” Nattie turns
green and runs to the bathroom where she barfs up the brownies and
tosses what’s left in her hand into the toilet. Nattie’s not happy and
tells the camera that “WWE drug tests all the time.” She claims to feel dizzy and tells Paige she needs to leave now. (TANIA: Hilarious. Only Nattie could feel worse while she was high.)


Car
Nattie makes Paige swear to keep this all a secret. (MATT: Ha, ha! Yeah! Keep it on the “down-low”! Because WWE doesn’t produce this show and they won’t ever watch what their own cameramen film or anything that they air. Let’s just keep this a “secret“!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Sumomaya – Restaurant
Bryan
tells JJ and Mama Bella that he has to keep napkins near him at all
times when he eats because “food gets caught in my beard”. Mama Belle’s
really impressed by this.

(MATT: “Well…at least he’s not thinking about using the napkin as a tampon…”)

Brie oddly segues from how crazy beard food is to how crazy the Nikki/John situation is and that they need to discuss it. (MATT: Quick! Let’s fix something we worked so hard to fuck up!) She realizes that John’s really a “good guy” after all. (TANIA: “Just not good enough for Nikki. Ha! Let’s break them up again.”) Mama Bella magically sheds any blame and declares this “their mission”. JJ: “OUR mission…” Brie says JJ pressured her into doing it. (TANIA: Nope. It was all your idea, sweetie.)
JJ can’t believe what he’s hearing and says that everyone is
backtracking. Brie tells the camera that she feels like she did the
wrong thing. (TANIA: You did.) She says she doesn’t know if it’s wrong. (MATT: It is.) Mama
Bella says it’s time to man up and tell Nikki everything. JJ says they
already made a decision and nobody can stick to it. Brie: “It’s all
about what YOU want.” (TANIA: SHE WANTED IT TO HAPPEN AND TALKED HER FAMILY INTO IT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!) Mama Bella’s had enough: Nikki will know everything, come hell or highwater because their family doesn’t keep secrets. (MATT: Only Nattie does that, guys.)

TAMPA, FL

Gym

Paige

wants to talk about last night. Also, she told Emma all about it.
Nattie tells the camera that this is bad because WWE is very strict and
bars certain cold medicines. Nattie asks how she was last night. Paige
tells her she was pretty wild. Nattie loudly declares that she’s “never
had pot before”. (MATT: In front of the entire gym. And Emma. And the camera. Despite wanting to “keep it a secret”. Oh, this show…) Paige
says she was relaxed. Nattie isn’t having this and says she’s gonna
“Google Marijuana side effects” while Emma looks on, absolutely stunned.
Nattie says it stunts movement, makes you panic and hurts your immune
system — which frightens her because she “already has a cold”. (TANIA: What, did she click on “GodHatesMarijuana.com”?!) Paige looks concerned. Nattie says she’s feeling dizzy, then tells Paige to feel her skin because it’s cold and clammy. (MATT: Totally not side effects from her cold.) Paige: “Well, yeah…you’re on a treadmill…” Nattie tells the camera that she never wants to be called a stoner.

PORTLAND, OREGON FOR A WWE LIVE EVENT 

Backstage

WWE
Senior Director of Talent Relations, Mark Carrano, addresses all the
Divas. He says SummerSlam will have two Divas matches this year. Brie
will have a match vs. Stephanie and the other one will be the Divas
Championship match. Brie tells the camera that her match will be the
“highest point” of her career.
PHOENIX, AZ 

Mama Bella’s House

The
Bella Twins and JJ are at Mom’s house. Kathy makes Mac & Cheese
like they’re 12. Her Mom tells them that they don’t look like they’ve
been starving. Nikki asks her Mom if she’s implying that they’re fat. (TANIA: Time for another intervention…) (MATT: “Nicole…we’re concerned about Silicon and whether it’s healthy for you…”) Nikki gets a text from John. Apparently, he’s off to Tampa (MATT: To fuck Rosa now that he’s single.) and wants her to stay in San Diego for a while (TANIA: So he can move on to Summer once he’s done with Rosa.) and wants to see if Nikki can survive. (MATT:
Especially when she finds out that he had a threesome with both women
after they figured out that Cena was two-timing them.)
Kathy tells
Brie that she needs to “show Brie something”, pulls her into a hallway
and says it’s time to lower the boom on Nikki.

Brie
tells Nikki everything. Nikki cannot believe that Brie and the family
took Cena to lunch and did this. Brie (with a straight face and dramatic
music): “It was breakfast…” (MATT: “Oh my god…you guys discussed this over pancakes???”) (TANIA: We have 40 more minutes of this bullshit, and I already know who I wanna punch.) Brie
and JJ defend their positions and tell her that Nikki wants what she
can’t have. Nikki says it still doesn’t matter. They had no right to do
what they did, regardless of the way she felt about things. They
shouldn’t have taken John to lunch. Brie: “Breakfast.” (MATT: Get the facts straight, Nikki. You’re out of your element here.) Nikki
claims she is
happy 99% of the time with him. JJ says that Cena needs to know the
facts. Nikki: “HE KNOWS THE FACTS! I’VE TOLD HIM!” Nikki’s had enough
and storms out of the house. Brie reminds her that she drove Nikki here.
Nikki doesn’t care. 


JJ and Brie follow her and says that they did this for her. (TANIA: Sure! We did this for you and I backpedaled and blamed it on JJ…but we did it for you!) JJ
and Brie argue inside the house while Nikki and her Mom argue outside.
JJ says that it’s too late to back out of this. Brie says it isn’t too
late because they never should have done it. Nikki has called a cab.
Mama Bella says we all need to discuss this. Nikki gets in her cab as
Brie tries to talk her out of leaving. Nikki cracks the window to give
her the finger and then rolls it back up. (TANIA: Brie isn’t even worth giving the finger to.)

TAMPA, FL

Nikki’s back home with John. Nikki leaps into her arms, splitting her skirt as John leers at her and paws her like a convict. (TANIA: Oh, come on. Her skirt didn’t “split”. She turned it to the side so it looked like it split. This is so forced.) 30 minutes in, by the way, and there’s no sign of Alicia Fox. (MATT: That’s probably a good thing.)

John’s house
The couple toasts with wine. John says that Brie had told him that he should let Nikki go. (MATT: Technically, it was JJ with Brie as an accomplice, but we’ve already had Nattie get high on pot brownies, so whatever.) Nikki says she hates Brie and never wants to deal with her again.

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA FOR MONDAY NIGHT RAW

Breakroom
The
Divas arrive for RAW. Titus is hanging backstage, eating cookies. Rosa
gives him a hug and Paig and Emma are in tow. Paige says all she’s done
lately is stuffed her face with donuts, so she doesn’t need to eat
chocolate. For some reason, Titus thinks this is a sexual innuendo,
opening the door right up for Rosa, who caresses Titus’s shoulder and
calls him “Sexual Chocolate”. Titus mocks her laugh and tells Rosa not
to touch him in a slightly disturbing moment. A woman from HR shows up
and wants to take Emma for a drug test and Emma goes with her. Paige
tells the camera that Nattie’s gonna explode when she finds out that WWE
is drug-testing today. (MATT: Marijuana might help her to rela–oh, wait…)
 
Nattie’s Car
Cameron
and Nattie get a call from HR. Cameron puts it on speaker. HR says they
are doing drug testing. Nattie is freaking out and claims that HR is
“looking for them”. Nattie says she has no idea what to do. She tells
Cameron about the pot brownies. (MATT: We need to do a shot each time
Nattie tells somebody not to tell anyone something — then says it
outloud to a dozen people in a room or reveals it to somebody herself.)

Nattie starts plotting, saying that she could lie about being on the
same flight as Cameron. Cameron: “Nah, girl…I wanna get to the arena.”
Nattie cuts people off, then says that she’s got it: she’s gonna make
it look like they got into a car accident. (MATT: This is like Reefer Madness, only it’s kinda goofy…) Cameron’s panicking as Nattie pulls into an alley and lightly dings a metal dumpster. (TANIA: Good job, Nattie! WWE will never know the true reason behind your absence even though they FUCKING FILMED IT, YOU IDIOT.) Cameron is beside herself as Nattie sits there, actually waiting for the airbags to “go off”. Cameron
wants to know what was going through her head as Nattie starts
apologizing to a local shop owner. Nattie says she now has an excuse to
go to the ER. Cameron basically calls her a moron and tells her that
Weed stays in your system for 30 days. (MATT: …and thanks for playing, “EVERYONE IS SMARTER THAN NATTIE”!!! *APPLAUSE*) Nattie finally resigns herself to the fact that Cameron’s right and gets back into the car. Then she tells Cameron to “not to tell anyone about this”. (MATT: Again…ON…FUCKING…CAMERA…) (TANIA: Seriously, I don’t think I have anything left. I don’t think anything can top this episode.) (MATT: Alamo Car Rental’s probably like, “Remind us never to rent to WWE again.”)

Backstage @ BJCC Arena
Nikki “lays down the law” with Brie. Nikki says they are at work, thus, she will stay
professional — but wants nothing to do with her outside of work. Brie just “doesn’t understand why Nikki is angry”. (TANIA:
“I mean, this is CRAZY! I fucked up, betrayed my sister’s trust, went
behind her back and nearly destroyed her relationship! I have NO idea
why Nikki is so mad!”)
Brie says SummerSlam is gonna be huge for the Bella brand but Nikki is making it hard. (MATT: Nikki’s good at “making it hard”, if ya’ know what I mean.) 

Nattie
and Cameron arrive and greet some of the fans who are waiting to get
autographs. Nattie promises them that they’ll be out to take selfies
soon. (MATT: Which is just “not her scene”, I thought…) She
goes in to see HR Lady, who hurries her into the drug-testing room
on-site. Nattie: “Everyone needs to relax! You’re gonna get your urine!”
(MATT: That’s what I tell my guests every single time I host a fetish party…) She finds out that the results won’t be back for two weeks.

She bumps into Rosa, Paige and Emma the Mute backstage and tells them about the car accident she told Cameron not to tell anyone about.

(MATT AND TANIA AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO WATCHED THIS EPISODE:)


Cameron comes by with a look on her face and Nattie
decides to exit. Cameron waits until she’s gone — then starts spilling
the true story. Nattie shows up out of the same portal the Authority
came from after Cena brought them back and tells Cameron to shut up.
Cameron says the truth will be revealed either way. Either Nattie tells
them now or SHE does. Nattie plays dumb and Cameron tells them Nattie
hit a dumpster on purpose. Nattie denies it all and Cameron tells her to
quit lying. Paige is laughing her ass off and Nattie storms off,
telling Cameron to “let it die”.

TAMPA, FL

Nattie and TJ’s House
Paige visits Nattie at home and bears gifts, jumping out at Nattie in the doorway and scaring her cat. (TANIA: I like Paige. Pile on more of her, please.)
It’s all cat toys. Once this is done, Paige comes clean: there never
was any pot in the brownies. Nattie scolds her and says it’s not funny
and that she “got into a car accident because of what happened.” (TANIA: YOU CREATED THE ACCIDENT, YOU DOORKNOB!)
Paige says she’s sorry and wants to pay for the damage to the car.
Paige plays with Cameron’s cats with the new toys but Nattie pushes
Paige out of the house and then talks to her cat, telling the cat that
Paige is a bitch.
LOS ANGELES, CA FOR SUMMERSLAM 

Backstage

Nattie
tells the camera that SummerSlam is the biggest Pay-Per-View of the
year next to WrestleMania and that she’s excited to see Brie take on
Steph. Meanwhile, Nikki runs into Paige and she tells her that she gets
to turn heel on Brie tonight. She says it works out because they’re not
getting along anyhow.

Ringside
Cameron,
Eva and Vincent watch the match from backstage. Nattie, Summer and Naomi
join the three.We get the match and heel turn with the Divas backstge,
fawning over what was one of the worst matches on the card. Steph wins.
Nikki tells the camera that the storyline was perfectly-timed.

THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS

(MATT:
Eva doesn’t want kids, The Bella Twins make up because fuck the
audience, and this all culminates in Rosa and Paige making out in the
hopes that ratings will finally climb out of the cellar and make their
way toward the roof again.)

HUGS AND PUNCHES

DANIELLE:
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki & John Cena: The
two of them may not be right for one another but they need a chance to
try. On top of that, nobody should be getting into the middle of
anyone’s business.

This week’s punch goes to…Paige & Nattie: Paige’s
joke was immature and ill-timed and she should have told Nattie the
truth a lot sooner. Of course, it doesn’t help that Nattie’s an idiot
and should have just told WWE the moment she knew what happened.
Instead, she got into a car wreck and acted like an idiot.

MATT:
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: Oh,
Paige. Paige, Paige, Paige. How do I love thee? We can tell you’re not
taking any of this shit seriously. I just don’t give a shit because this
show is a joke and you were the perfect troll. Also, it was nice to see
you destroy Nattie who has become the biggest jackass this show (and
company) has ever seen. I know, eventually, I will have to call you
“annoying”…but at least we’ll have tonight.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Nattie: Nattie
is the new Nikki. The latter just escapes the list by faking the
“victim” routine well enough. Whew…I’m not gonna repeat the reasons
why Nattie’s #1 this week in this category. The recap should provide
enough justification.

TANIA:
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki: I’m
a sucker for a love story, as silly as it’s become. Let’s face it:
Cena’s a man’s man and Nikki’s his hot little piece. They’re made to
bone. I hug Nikki because nobody needs to get in the middle of anyone’s
relationship.

This week’s punch goes to…Brie & Nattie: Brie
gets a punch because of the aforementioned bullshit with her sister.
Nattie gets the punch because she’s a total and complete moron. Both
girls get DOUBLE-PUNCHED, in fact, in the vagina. Specifically centered
at the clit. And I can say that because I’m a girl. Suck it.

Er, that’s it.

Tommy will cover NXT and Smackdown to take you
into your weekend. Have a great weekend!

Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 10 – “The Divas Are Taking Over”

In our last episode, “Daddy’s
Little Girl”, the Divas learned that the saying, it never hurts to ask
can sometimes be completely false.

  • Cameron who decided to go from taking it slow with Vinnie to
    shopping for a house in a single episode had asked Nikki, the only real
    estate person to know to show her houses. Nikki did, deliberately first
    showing her a house outside her price range, then showing her another
    that was only half a million over her range. Cameron had her boyfriend
    half talked into signing papers site unseen, then they decided to ask
    Nikki to not take a commission as it would save them 6 months of
    payments. Nikki wisely refused, there was tension, but of course after
    they are still friends.
  • Brie having been a bride herself recently with an issue with her dad
    (in her case the dad abandoning the family when she was a teen) tried
    to get Eva Marie to share how she was feeling about wedding planning and
    her dad’s likely death soon from aggressive cancer. Though Brie never
    seemed close to Eva before, it did seem this was sincere. Eva got mad,
    so Brie decided to throw her a surprise bridal shower instead (though
    she did turn down her husband’s silly idea of making the theme The
    Transformers).
  • Natalya took Tyson to a divorce attorney to see how things could
    potentially go for them. Here they learned such shocking things as
    divorce can be expensive and that in the eyes of the law cats are
    property, so they’d have to agree how to divy them up (Tyson suggested
    splitting them in half, I think someone out to put a camera in their
    home to see if he yells at them all day when Natalya isn’t there).

       
PORTLAND, OR for Monday Night RAW 

Backstage
Natalya says she is jealous that John bought Nikki three new pairs of shoes. (MATT: Ah…true love.) Meanwhile,
the backstage area is buzzing with “excitement”: shoes are being
bought, Brie Mode shirts are selling, and Sheamus show-bombs Nattie and
Brie to inform them that the valet has lost Summer’s car keys. Fandango,
being the opportunistic sleaze that he is, asks Nattie what is up with
TJ. She seems upset that everyone wants her to share her dirty laundry
because that’s not what a reality show is for. She says she prides
herself on being quiet and professional. (MATT: Like, last week when she quietly and professionally yelled at TJ in front of the backstage crew. Totally understand.) She says she knows TJ and Fandango are friends (MATT: HUH?!) so they talk a lot. Natalya insists that everything’s fine. Then, casually states they saw a divorce attorney. (MATT: Perfectly normal! Everything’s cool!)
She cries about how things are bad and how she has to keep a brave fake
face for work, and insists that she’s “so happy, I could do a backwards
handspring in these heels with no underwear on.” (MATT: After referring to all her co-workers who’ve asked her about TJ as “idiots”. This woman has lost her goddamn mind.)

Ringside
Natalya’s got a match with Paige, the current WWE Divas Champion. She says she has to look “happy”. (MATT: A second ago, she was ready to do nude calisthenics! What the actual fuck?) Paige’s music hits and she comes out with the belt, then wins her match easily.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA

Michael Costello Dress Studio
Eva
Marie’s dress has no back, a huge cutout to show cleavage and cut outs
to show off her hips. The designer jokes her Jon has three suit changes
with Eva laughs and says is not true as there is room for only one Diva
in their house.

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nicole’s Beach House
John did laundry but needs help – he asks Nikki how to fold her thong. (MATT: Ah…true love.) Even
though Natalya didn’t want her dirty laundry shared, Nikki tells John
about Nattie and TJ’s fight and uses it to lead him into a calculated
conversation about their relationship issues. She says their fight makes
it so she doesn’t want to get married. John seems very exasperated with
this conversation, but somewhat happy now that Nikki has decided she
doesn’t need that piece of paper. Nikki jokes she will tackle John
later. He says she couldn’t catch him, then he brags he can best her in
running, chess, even tic tac toe. (MATT: To be fair, anyone can beat Nikki in Tic Tac Toe, so that’s not a testament to one’s mental prowess.) Then, to prove this, Nikki and Cena actually play Tic Tac Toe. (MATT: And Creative books Rollins to come into the room and club Cena with the briefcase for the DQ finish.) Cena celebrates his win over Nikki by acting like a god and proclaiming that he controls the Pacific Ocean for some reason. (MATT: I do the very same thing after I beat my god-daughter at Candyland…)

LOS ANGELES, CA


Powerhouse Gym
Eva Marie is working out for the Muscle
Fitness Hers cover. She is the first WWE Diva to ever be on the cover.
Nattie is there for moral support – which is cover for discussing her
issues with TJ and how it will effect Eva’s wedding. She asks if she can
be seated far away from him at the wedding, even if it has to be with
Eva’s family or the catering people. On camera, Eva says Nattie isn’t
that close to her family and she should grow up and sit next to her
husband. (MATT: Holy shit, I never thought I’d see the day where Eva is smarter than Nattie.) Nevertheless,
Eva promises to talk to her Mom to OK this. Nattie’s giddy at the
prospect and dubs Eva’s Mom “just like her own Mom”. (MATT: And I bet it took all of Eva’s strength not to break the “nice girl” image and just shake her head at Nattie’s analysis.)

Local Table – Restaurant
Nikki,
Brie and Daniel are having breakfast. Nikki asks to borrow a tampon and
Brie doesn’t have one. Nikki asks if she should use the table napkin
instead. (MATT: I didn’t ask to hear any of this. All I wanted to do
was recap a reality show that somehow finds something worse to talk
about than “seal slit”.)
Somehow that leads to Daniel recalling that Brie tells him how Nikki keeps leaving her sex toys for people to find them. (MATT: I was gonna say that it couldn’t get worse. I stand corrected.) One
time she had her brother, JJ over and made him look through her bottom
drawer to find her birth certificate and he had to go through a “sea of
vibrators” to find it. (MATT: A sea of vibrators sounds like the contents of Nikki’s head.)
Nikki says the fact that no one keeps theirs in a sex toy drawer makes
it safe. Brie actually has the smarts to ask if having her cert stolen
is even a danger. This leads to a conversation about marriage: Nikki
says she is practically married but doesn’t need to be. Brie insists she
wants to be married someday.


Restaurant
Brie and Daniel have…lunch this time…and,
this time, it’s with the Bella’s parents, Mom and Deadbeat Dad who’s not
only shown up for whatever the hell this is, he’s also wearing a Bronie
Trilby Hat. Being the over-sharers they are, JJ mentions he sent his
wife a naked selfie. (MATT: Ok…I’ve heard enough about seas of
vibrators and naked male selfies and tampons made of table napkins. I
don’t think I’ve ever cared about Eva and her wedding until just now.)

The conversation quickly goes back to the problem child: Nikki. Her mom
points out that John makes her happier than anyone she’s been with but
the rest of the family think she needs to hold out for marriage and
kids. JJ decides to help Brie confront Nikki about this. As they are
wrapping up, Brie is still in shock that JJ sent a naked selfie (MATT: FUCKING HELL. MAKE THIS STOP.) and he points out that Brie would like it if Daniel sent one. She says she would just laugh at it.

NAPA, CA

The Meritage Resort and Spa Lounge
Nattie
and TJ get a room together and she tells him to chill out and act like
everything is fine because appearances. TJ can’t even begin to play
along with what ever scripted drama this is and tells her that he was
just standing there, doing nothing.

SONOMA, CA

O’Brien Estates – Winery
Nikki calls Napa her heaven and is excited as there will be lots of wine tasting. (MATT: The Bellas need to be limited to Sheamus cameos.)
They start at a charming place with a private tasting and tour with the
owners. Nikki says how she has told John they should retire and have a
winery as they are “winos”.

(MATT: And I’m like…)

John isn’t there for the wedding yet as he has appearances in Chicago and probably wants to be far away from Nikki. (MATT: Try real far.) The winemakers have named their wines after the various states of a given relationship. (MATT: I wonder if there’s one called “Complicated” or, better yet, “Is What It Is”.)
Nikki wants to pass on the “Devotion”, as it stands for marriage. Brie,
however, makes her listen to the dude talk about the wine and how it
pertains to long-lasting love. But that isn’t enough: Brie needles her
again about how she knows she wants to be married. They get inside the
Barrel Room where the winemaker uses a giant suction glass to put wine
into the Bella’s glasses. He refers to it as “The Thief”. Brie: “I call
John a thief…the way he stole your life from you.” (MATT: It’s bad enough I have to sit through this shit. It’s worse that they get to drink wine and I am sitting here, sober.) Nikki decides to share Nattie’s problems with Brie and says Nattie is getting a divorce. (MATT: Marriage is just so awesome.)
Because of this, the Bellas decide the best way to help Nattie is to a)
buy a bottle of “Devotion” for her and b) invite her out to drink
tonight. Wine and drinking prevents divorce. You heard it here first. Is
this finally over? HELL NO! Now, we get the car ride back with Brie in
full “Brie Mode”. Brie calls Nattie and tells her they bought a bottle
of wine for her and that if she doesn’t like it, she will personally
punch Nattie and German Suplex her into “the Bourbon Street” floor. Then
they “fight”, flailing at each other. (MATT: I wonder if Vince is re-thinking those “Brie Mode” shirts…)

NAPA, CA

El Dorado Inn
Everyone
is there for the rehearsal dinner. Jon’s mom tells a story which
reveals that Jon met Eva Marie a little over a year ago. They did move
fast: he proposed after three months of dating, still they seem like one
of the happiest couples on the show.

Oenotri Restaurant
The twins have Nattie in their possession — and they brought TJ for some reason. (MATT: What is the logic here? This isn’t even close to being believable.) Tension is thick. Not only does Nattie seem to not want TJ there, (MATT: “Seem to”?!)
she points out that she doesn’t have her wedding ring on. Brie is as
drunk as fuck. Nattie makes TJ sit on the booth side with Brie. TJ and
Brie point out that they have wedding rings on, while Nattie and Nikki
don’t. Brie says that Nikki’s side will never be happily married. Nikki
has the bottle of Devotion wine with her. They also give them a “wine
cats” calendar they bought. Vinnie and Cameron show up. (MATT: This show…this fucking show…) Nattie says TJ reminds her of his Mom due to his dumb ass comments, to which TJ replies, “You remind me of your Dad.” (MATT: So, now we know TJ imagines banging Jim Neidhart when he’s fucking Nattie from behind. That’s disturbing.)
Nattie is furious and tells the camera that this is a horrible night:
everyone’s loaded and talking about her shitty relationship plus she
gets to argue with TJ. They get back in the car and it’s even more
fighting. At one point, someone asks if they should have a “final’ at
the hotel bar (MATT: Yes! Let’s have even MORE booze!) and Nattie agrees after she “kicks TJ’s ass”. She’s not supposed to care about him though, right?


SONOMA, CA

Meritage Hotel and Resort
It’s Eva Marie’s wedding day and her mother’s birthday so she gets a card and cries. (MATT: People are crying on this show? That’s new.)
TJ shows up in the lobby of the hotel in his suit and says Nattie is
permanently mad at him. Nattie shows up in a nice dress and says that
what happened last night cannot happen again. (MATT: Aaaaand then
they all board a bus and start drinking again. Nikki really helps out by
suggesting it’s time for “Brie Mode”. When ISN’T it time for Brie Mode?
And when is WWE gonna tell their employees that getting shit-faced
drunk probably isn’t the best thing considering their push on “health
and wellness”? That’s the first thing and secondly, at what point are
the Divas “taking over”? That’s the name of this fucking episode.
Nobody’s taken over anything. Did I miss something and they hijacked and occupied a nearby winery in a drunken haze?)
Nattie
drinks. Summer drinks. TJ drinks. Summer fires the first shot, saying
her and Nattie are “finally getting along”. TJ says that’s a new thing.
Nattie shoots daggers at him.

The Wedding
Everyone shows up, wearing their Sunday best. The groomsmen all high five Jon. (MATT: Totally radical, dude!) Eva Marie shows up for the wedding with very dark hair for her Dad. He is proud of her. (MATT: Then kinda nibbles her ear or something and it’s just kinda weird…)
He says the dress is gorgeous, which in a very slutty way it is. The
couple writes their own vows but Jon says she looked so amazing, he
feels like he got hit by a truck and couldn’t remember them. (MATT: And he’s not even drinking.) She mentions women find a man like their father and she says she found one. (MATT: Uh…) The officiant makes him pledge to love her even if she never becomes Divas Champion. They kiss and they’re married. (MATT: Then Rollins comes in with the briefca–oh, I did that joke already…)

Reception
Nattie’s pissed because, lo and behold, she’s sitting next to her husband. So, Nattie decides to do something about it. First, for some reason, she calls Cameron over to whine about it, then changes the seating charts with a fucking pen
so she won’t have to sit near TJ. Cameron tells her to relax but Nattie
won’t have it. Cameron bolts to the bar to get a drink. Nattie follows
her and gets a glass of wine which she then spills on her dress. (MATT:
You know, I’ve heard that Naomi and Summer are leaving the show after
the hiatus and are being replaced with Alicia Fox and Paige. Natalya
needs to go with Naomi and Summer.)

Meanwhile,
Brie and Nikki sit and assess the day. Brie says Eva looked like a Bella
Triplet with her hair. Nikki says “a long time ago”, she thought her
wedding spot would be a vineyard. (MATT: She wanted to get married like two weeks ago.) Brie’s not happy with this and says that she finds her entire situation with Cena to be “sad”.

Like
most brides, Eva changes her dress. She wears a black lace dress and
the black wig is off. She has her regular fire engine red hair showing
and proclaims that it’s time for “All Red Everything”. Everyone dances
and the Divas all grin ear to ear as they watch Eva dance with her Dad.
Photos are taken and everyone has a spectacular time.

Later
that night, Summer remarks to Nattie that she must hate TJ to want to
be near her. Nattie flashes back to her wedding day a little over a year
ago and says it makes her feel like crap. Nattie feels like a failure
and leaves the reception early. TJ doesn’t do a damn thing and just
watches her leave.

(MATT: And then we fly from Sonoma, er…wait…San Franci…no…fuck, what the hell?!)

(MATT: What does San Francisco have to do with ANYTHING?!)

PHOENIX, AZ

The Henry Restaurant
(MATT: And then we end up in goddamn Arizona.) JJ,
Brie and Mama Bella invite John to breakfast to talk to him about his
relationship with Nikki. John, sensing an ambush, asks if this is the
Last Supper. Mom jokes they can’t have wine. Brie orders Tequila for
some reason. This place doesn’t have mimosas? (MATT: They’re probably barred from intoxicating Brie any further.)
John says he was clear from their first date that certain things would
not happen and that the two of them agreed to these things. Not
satisfied, Brie says Nikki’s lying to herself and to John. John says he
feels like he’s being accused of manipulating Nikki. JJ says that
despite John loving Nikki, if he were in Cena’s position, he would let
her go and try to find someone will marry her. Brie says that when Nikki
was little, she wanted a large fairy tale wedding. (MATT: So, they’re intervening because Nikki said she wanted to be Cinderella the age of five? Are we fucking kidding here?) Cena
says he gets where they’re coming from and he’s not stopping Nikki. Mom
steps in and turns heel, slamming Brie and JJ’s intervention and saying
they can’t make Nikki have the life they want her to have. Brie says
it’s “not about JJ or her Mom’s opinions, it’s about what’s best for
Nicole”. (MATT: Wait…JJ and her Mom have differing opinions which are later gonna be forced on Nikki…I can’t even…) Cena says he understands where their opinions stem from.

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nicole’s House
John
asks how the wedding was. Nikki says it was great and how now she wants
to go to wine country every 6 months. He asks would she want to go by
herself and she says she would not. John says he’s not sure she knows
herself. He says he’s not sure he’s giving her a chance to get what she
wants out of life. He thinks she’s sacrificed too much for him and gets
her to admit that, ideally, she wants marriage and kids. He tells her if
you love something, you set it free. She wants to know if John is
letting her go.

And the show ends and shows previews of next season (MATT: And she gave up in two seconds. Right.) complete with two new Divas, Paige and Alicia Fox joining.

DANIELLE:

This week’s hug goes to…Eva’s Mom: Holy
shit. There is some weird, freaky shit going on in the Eva Marie
household. I’ve noticed that Eva’s Mom just kinda sits there with an
awkward look while her husband paws her daughter. It must have been even
more awkward for Eva to practically wear lingerie to her own wedding
and watch as her husband got too close to Eva yet again. I just have no idea…

This week’s punch goes to…John Cena: What
a guy. Besides the fact that the two star-crossed lovers already agreed
to be unmarried with no kids, John dumps Nikki because the Bella Family
knows what Nikki “wanted” when she was five years old. I hope they find
a unicorn for Nikki, too, because I’m pretty sure I wanted one of those
when I was five.

MATT:

This week’s hug goes to…Eva Marie: Her
story was a welcome refuge, which was ironic. It should have been the
biggest: her father is pretty much dying, she’s planning a nice, big
wedding in wine country, and she’s happy as hell. Instead, we get
bullshit Bella drama, Natalya losing her shit and John Cena mumbling
through a completely phony, scripted “break-up” that will be completely
undone by the next episode.

Most annoying cast member of the week is…everyone else: Where
the fuck do I begin? First, we have Natalya who has lost her fucking
mind in every single respect. It’s obvious the producers are shoving TJ
into every scene with her and it’s hard to sympathize with her plight
when TJ mumbles a couple words here and there and she’s ready to beat
him for it. Then we have Brie and Nikki who are alcoholics. No, they
are. The whole episode was Nikki and Brie getting plastered and letting
that dictate their decisions. Brie and JJ and Mommy getting together and
verbally harassing John Cena about a relationship they know nothing
about. Mom already backpedaling. John smirking his way through the whole
thing and dumping Nikki anyhow…I am so happy that this show went on a
hiatus because it’s gotten beyond ludicrous.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 9 – “Daddy’s Little Girl”

We’re back and we’ve actually got to recap the last two episodes before the hiatus. 
In our last episode, “Cross Country Catastrophe”, the Divas learned more about themselves and different relationship types.

  • Brie Bella learned her husband thought her spending was so excessive that he put a tracker on their joint bank account. (MATT: Because it was.)
    Not only did he learn she spent $400 to take her Mom, sister and
    brother out on her Mom’s birthday and $22 on coffee for herself and
    Nikki, he caller her immediately asking for explanations. (MATT: Totally not excessive to spend $22 bucks on a cup of coffee.)
    Cue “Every Breath You Take,” by The Police (which despite being about
    stalking finds itself featured in the playlists of clueless brides and
    grooms to this day).(MATT: No…they were under financial stress.
    Both of them were out of work and Bryan was healing from expensive
    surgery. His wife, who only thinks of herself, went on a spending binge
    with her sister cheering her on the entire way.)
  • Eva Marie learned Jon was a stopwatch-loving, (MATT: jet-flyin’) itinerary-planning, (MATT: limousine-ridin’) fun-killing (MATT: kiss-stealin’)
    bore when tasked with helping them and Cameron and Vincent move cross
    country. The pairs also learned the fights of one couple would start the
    other fighting as well.
  • Rosa Mendes should have learned men don’t choose desperate women for
    girlfriends after going through two men who never wanted to see her
    again (bringing her total to three for this season). Instead she decided
    she should hit on women and decided to follow her heart and try to
    start a relationship with a woman she met a week ago because, hey, why
    not?

WINTER PARK, FL

B Cupcakes
Rosa
and Nattie pick up cupcakes. They get into Rosa’s car and she confesses
she is a bad driver who lost one of her rear-view mirrors. Then she
proceeds to back out of her parking space and can’t because the lot is
the size of a toaster and she drives a gigantic gas-guzzling truck. (MATT:
She lightly dings one car and nearly backs into another and the only
thing that saves her is the proximity alarm on the car. And the whole
time, Nattie just sits there and laughs like she’s on a fucking
tilt-a-whirl.)
They eventually escape their blacktop prison and…that’s that.

TITLES.

(MATT: YAY! We’re back in “Concord” with Eva’s family!)

CONCORD, CA

Eva Marie’s Dad’s House
Eva
doesn’t know if her flower girls should wear red, or maybe white. Her
family teases her about if she will wear white. As a woman I’ve always
thought the women should only wear a white wedding dress as a sign of
purity/virginity thing was stupid. It’s 2014, let’s admit it, most
brides are not virgins on their wedding day. (MATT: Wait…you’re not?!)
Further, this isn’t even Eva’s true wedding, it’s a reenactment to keep
her family happy, grab gifts and boost ratings. Her wedding dress
color, therefore, should be irrelevant. She tells the camera she is so
happy her dad gets to give her away. To turn up the creepy quotient
early, Eva sits on her Dad’s lap while holding the family dog. Her Dad
cackles and says, “My two girls”. (MATT: On the bright side, he could
have made a “doggy style” joke, so I guess we lucked out and this isn’t
as creepy as we think it is…)

TAMPA, FL

John and Nicole’s House
The twins are relaxing at the pool in bikinis and drinking. Nikki says she has the Ultimate Brie Mode cup: a red Solo cup with a glass stem. (MATT: Boy, Brie’s sobriety vow last episode really meant something, didn’t it?)
Nikki has invited all her Diva friends over while John is away,
shooting a movie. Cameron shows up with a new car. She says she is a car
person and would have a Ferrari if she could but, when pressed by
Nikki, says she’d rather have a house than a sports car. (MATT: She can’t have both?!)
Nikki says she will start looking for listings for her immediately.
Nikki gives them a tour of their place, which includes a viewing of one
of her luxury bags. Natalya remarks that she liked the one she got for
her birthday and that they “put Gizmo’s ashes in it”. (MATT: “We need a receptacle for our dead cat’s ashes…let’s just shove them in this Gucci thing Nikki gave us.”) Cameron
tells the camera she would love a place like Cena’s but, realistically,
she has to “bring it down a bit” and that would entail having “four
bedrooms and three baths, a pool, a patio, and a nice fireplace.” (MATT: Is that all?) Here’s hoping she’s saved a lot of cash.

Kim Kaszuba, Divorce Attorney
Nattie
is dressed like she’s going clubbing, the lace and nude look, and with
her is a sullen TJ. They fight on their way to the office. The attorney
says they probably didn’t want to be in a divorce office early in the
morning. TJ tries to make light of things and quips that they probably
don’t see a lot of happy people. Kim tells them divorce litigation can
cost thousands of dollars. The other attorney tells them animals are
treated like property to be divided up at the time of divorce. Nattie
wants to know how to divide the cats up. TJ: “Chop one up, obviously.” (MATT: Oh…no…) The thought of them having to divide their three cats may be what it takes to convince them to stay together. (MATT: What about Gizmo’s Gucci-wrapped ashes?)

SAN ANTONIO, TX

Citrus – Restaurant
Bella twins are eating with Eva and Nattie. Eva laments that she can’t pull off a tan with a white dress. (MATT: But did it anyhow. Silly Eva.)
She tells them about her dad’s recurrent cancer and how she wants him
at the wedding. Brie recounts how special it was to have her father (the
deadbeat, you’ll remember, who walked out on them when she was 15.).
She relates how Bryan regrets spending so much time with WWE and so
little with his Dad who recently passed away. Eva Marie excuses herself,
probably to deal with the heavy emotions.

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW – AUSTIN, TX

Backstage
The twins pass randomly pass JoJo and call out to her, then fake like they miss her. (MATT: An odd scene. Like watching a Bigfoot sighting where Bigfoot is cool with the people walking by.) The twins come to see Eva Marie. The Bellas say they just happened to wear the same color pink dress – it’s a twin thing. (MATT: This, despite the fact that they’ve hardly done this throughout the series.)
Brie comes to commiserate with her over her dad but Eva thinks she
doesn’t need to deal with it and that it’s weird and inappropriate for
her to bring it up there. (MATT: Yeah, inappropriately bring it up at an arbitrary restaurant instead.)
She walks off and they call her Jessica Rabbit. Brie’s, like,
toooootally confused as to what just happened. Nikki says that Eva needs
to deal with her Dad’s issues in her own fashion. Anyhow, whatever.
Nikki wants a cookie. Brie says that they’re on a diet (MATT: AGAIN?! WHY?) and that they can only look at the cookies. We get Nikki’s “Look But Can’t Touch” theme music to play out the segment.


Ringside
The Bellas come to the ring for the Stephanie
McMahon vs. Brie Bella contract signing for the match at SummerSlam. To
recap, HHH and Stephanie attack the Bellas. Steph hits a Pedigree on
Brie.

TAMPA, FL

Nattie and TJ’s House
Nattie
calls the cats and say they want to be with her. She tells the camera
they are sleeping in separate bedrooms and pretty much living as
roommates. She says it is the best and cheapest thing to do. They fight
over who will get what things in the divorce and she asks why he thinks
he can just demand to have everything. He says, “Because you’re doing
the same.” He says during the weeks she spent in a hotel she didn’t care
about them (him and the cats). He teases her, and tells her to relax
and she breaks down in tears.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Nikki’s Car
Nikki is taking Cameron house-hunting. Nikki offers Cameron Vodka to calm her before they look at houses. (MATT: What kind of real estate business is she running?)
She tells the camera she thinks her price range is $1 million. Nikki
tells her that Mulholland Drive is the hot ticket section of L.A. and
that Cameron will look good driving through the hills in her Ferrari. (MATT: When she isn’t screaming in total frustration at the Los Angeles traffic, that is.) They
get to the first house to see, it is amazing with lots of huge windows.
The asking price, however, is $3 million dollars. Nikki says it’s a
great deal for the area. She tells the camera that this is her strategy,
next she will show Cameron a house that may not have everything she
wanted in it, but the price will be right. (MATT: So the strategy is to taunt your client with an arbitrary house way out of their price range, then show them something else?)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Bryan’s House
Brie
tells Bryan how Eva’s dad has been battling cancer for 16 years. She
recounts how she pulled Eva aside to try to offer a listening ear and
Eva declined. He wisely tells her that everyone handles everything in
their own way. Brie asks if she should throw a bridal shower for her.
She asks for theme ideas and he facetiously suggests The Transformers. (MATT: Hahahahahahaha! Let’s go look at cookies we can’t have…)
She said that is a better bachelor party theme. He claims Dean Ambrose
wanted to throw him a bachelor party and she said no. Brie says it’s
because Dean wanted to take him to a strip club to get motorboarded. (MATT: That isn’t possible. That is just not possible for a stripper to motorboat Daniel Bryan. I don’t want to think about this anymore, actually.) Was this plot contrivance? (MATT: This might be a weak shout-out to a meme that originated when a fan snapped a pic of Dean’s wristband at a house show. The tape on his wrists said, “Titty Master”. Also, that “party” could have been an awesome episode.) 

SHERMAN OAKS, CA

Second House
Cameron
asks right off what the price is and it’s closer to her budget, but
still over a million by about $400K. Still, they go see the house. She
says it is perfect and wants Vincent to come see it. 

TAMPA, FL

Nattie and TJ’s House
Naomi is over for dinner and Nattie can’t wait for her to meet one of her cats. (MATT: Oh, great, Naomi’s mediating now?)
They toast to “struggling” with champagne. They compare notes on how
much they hate chores. Nattie complains that TJ didn’t do laundry, brush
out the cat’s tail, etc. TJ enters and Nattie immediately pounces on
him about forgetting the laundry. (MATT: I wonder what they made for dinner…)
Nattie puts TJ’s laundry out on the lawn. Naomi’s stunned and picks up
the laundry, bringing it back inside. TJ and Naomi talk. Naomi admits
when she was in developmental and her husband was on the road, they
would fight a lot. TJ says they’ve been on different schedules before.
Nattie tells him they were having a girl’s night, so he should just get
his ass back in his room. (MATT: Imagine a guy saying this to a woman.) Tyson does it without question. He should have left for a hotel this time. (MATT: He should be packing and leaving, period.)

SHERMAN OAKS, CA

Second House – Second Visit w/ Vincent
Cameron
says there are 6 bedrooms and Vincent says that’ s a lot for him to
clean when she’s gone. He says it’s like buying a car that’s
fully-loaded. Vincent says he’s in love with the house (as he sits fully
clothed in the empty bathroom jacuzzi) but the asking price scares him.
He says they need to talk about things.

OAKLAND, CA

Oakland International Airport
Eva
Marie picks up Jon who will be coming with her on the road for a
change. Eva tells Jon about the Bellas approaching her about her Dad. He thinks maybe she should assess the situation with her Dad.
In keeping with the tradition of this show’s abusive relationships, she
tells him to fuck off because the situation isn’t that bad. What is it
with this show? just a few episodes before she wanted a Catholic wedding
because her dad was practically ready to climb into his own coffin and
now, since non-family members are discussing it, she’s confident he’s
going to have a miraculous and full recovery?


LOS ANGELES, CA

Restaurant
Cameron and Vincent meet with Nikki to put in a good offer for the house. Cameron has (MATT: …sucked Vinnie off…) convinced Vinnie that the house is a good idea. (MATT: Same thing.) Nikki
says there are many offers so she thinks she should put in a full $1.4
million. Vinnie and Cameron go off to talk, Cameron is bummed as Vinnie
thought she would bring them a deal closer to $1.1 Million. Vincent
comes up with the brilliant idea of asking Nikki to give up her entire
commission so they can afford it. (MATT: Awesome idea. And when that falls through, I’m sure you could ask Nikki to lend you the $1.4 million.)
Cameron says as she would be their first buyer would she be willing to
take half or no commission. She says its business and not personal and
Nikki said she thought that, with Vincent’s job, they could afford this
home. Right on cue: champagne, a major plot point in this episode, it
seems, is brought to the table. But Cameron’s not happy with the deal
and they storm off, leaving champagne on the table. (MATT: Man! They didn’t even get to toast to their “struggles”!)
They should at least have downed the champagne first. Nikki follows
them out asking if everything is OK. Cameron says she will find another
relator. Nikki says they wasted her time. (MATT: Agent, bye!)

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW – RICHMOND, VA

Backstage
Brie
approaches Jon about her throwing Eva a bridal shower.  Jon thinks that
is a wonderful idea as Eva’s stressed over her Dad. He says he will do
whatever he needs to, to help.

Ringside
Eva
Marie takes on AJ (Divas Champion at the time). Eva seems to be holding
her own and manages to put AJ in a backbreaker, Still, the editors are
bored with the match and we cut backstage.

Backstage
Nikki
goes to talk to Cameron. She apologizes for showing them such expensive
houses. Cameron says if Nikki wasn’t dating Cena, she wouldn’t have
such nice things. She says she can’t afford a house right now. They make
up and their friendship seems back on track. (MATT: What the fuck was the point of the whole “house-hunting” plotline then?! Did Cameron think she’d get a house for free?

TAMPA, FL

TJ and Nattie’s House
Nattie’s doing dishes. TJ won’t help with the laundry. (MATT: How is this still an issue?)
She says she will do both. He says he’s surprised she didn’t throw the
dishes on the lawn. She says that she’s had enough. TJ: “YOU’VE had enough?!”
Defeated he goes to his room to pack. He’s finally leaving so they will
stop fighting. She tells the camera she is relieved. What? She travels
all the time, his career is DOA and he’s moving out (albeit
temporarily)? (MATT: Would you wanna live in that house like that?)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Biltmore Hotel  
Eva
comes to the hotel under the pretense that she’s meeting with Brie
about planning her wedding. She’s shocked to be at her surprise tea
bridal shower. (MATT: TEA MODE!!!) Ironically, she is wearing a
white dress. Even her mom, Josie, Summer Rae and Jon are there. Jon
shows up with an Esther Gallant ring for her upgrade, to which Eva reacts with a tepid, “My heart is, like…beating.(MATT: That’s our Eva!) Brie and Eva make up. Eva
tells her Mom that she doesn’t want to be in the dark about her Dad’s
condition. Josie says Eva should call her dad every day, even if it’s
just five minutes. She decides her Dad needs to level with her. She
calls and tells him she is there for him for moral support. She hopes he
can open up to her more. At one point, she says she doesn’t want to
have to hop on a plane and go and spank him. What? I cannot wait to hear
Matt’s (and our reader’s reactions) to this. He says he likes spankings
and her Mom will tell her so. Way TMI. He laughs sounding like the combination of a person using an electronic voice box and The Penguin. (MATT: I’m not sure what was creepier: the suggestion of the spanking or her Dad’s weird maniacal laughter.)

MONDAY NIGHT RAW – HONDA CENTER IN ANAHEIM, CA

Backstage
Nattie
finds TJ joking with some staff backstage. She tells him he’s been off
main roster for over a year and now he’s here at work embarrassing her.
Is she going to put him out on the lawn? (MATT: Maybe toast to his struggles with champagne?)
She asks why he is there. He says he’s under contract and he didn’t
plan on seeing her backstage. Nikki tries to coax Nattie to walk away
but she won’t go. They keep fighting and finally Nattie and Nikki walk
away.

Weekly Wrap-Up


DANIELLE

This week’s hug goes to – Brie. She
meant well when trying to get Eva Marie to talk about her Dad and while
their own situation was very different, she did show empathy in how the
father-daughter dynamic gets magnified on your wedding day. Then,
without Eva Marie even saying she was sorry for the attitude she gave
Brie (who did mean well), she organized a touching and beautiful bridal
shower.

This week’s punch goes to – Cameron and Nattie (tie). Both
of these Divas were total brats this week. Cameron wanted her boyfriend
to fall in love with the house before he knew how much it cost. Then
she wanted Nikki to take half or better yet no commission so they could
save six months in payments, screwing her out of her first real estate
commission. Nattie argued with TJ about everything told him to go to his
room like he was 6 and yelled at him for being backstage at RAW. They
should divorce, now. Perhaps with next week being the season finale,
they will announce that they are divorcing.

MATT

This week’s hug goes to – Tyson. Ho.
Lee. Shit. This is either a spectacular editing job or Natalya is a
complete and total head case. This was the first time I’ve seen Tyson in
a sympathetic light and, wow. His current character on TV is almost
justified. Almost.

Annoying Diva of the Week – Natalya. See
above. The nagging, the childish tantrums, the incessant yelling for no
reason, the hypocrisy, the demanding behavior…she made Nikki Bella
look like a princess in comparison.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 8 – “Cross Country Catastrophe”

Last week, E! made life interesting and miserable for Matt and I by
airing two episodes, back to back. This week, they learned from their
experience — and did it again because fuck us.

Last week’s episode, (“The Double Cross”), the Divas had some more unreasonable actions of their own including:

  • Rosa lamented how she hadn’t had a boyfriend or sex in a year. She
    met former football player Gary Barnbridge, and scores two dates, both
    of which were pretty disasterous. From discussing diets on date one, to
    using date two to explain that a man had to treat her like a queen,
    while she would withhold sex till they were official and in love, he
    ended up calling it a night and ending it. Summer Rae scored a date with
    him because, hey, there’s a man shortage, haven’t you heard?
  • John Cena and Nikki are both involved with movie projects. The Bella
    Twins had roles playing vapid twins, which is a real stretch, I know.
    We saw the couple at the premiere — complete with many empty seats.
    John, who was in the middle of filming his movie, hadn’t told Nikki that
    he had to perform a sex scene and, when he finally caved and told her
    (after aggressively asking if she’d do one), Nikki loses it. Her beef
    was essentially this: Cena’s cheating on her by doing the scene and he’d
    have to pick the role or pick her. (MATT: Despite the fact that she made out with Daniel Bryan while they were dating — but forget about that.)
    Somehow, he talked her into realizing it wasn’t that bad of a thing to
    have in his movie especially as you only see his bare butt, and another
    relationship continues long past when it should end.
  • Nattie stayed in New York a day longer than needed for work and told
    her husband it was to shop. However, she spent time with fellow
    wrestler Darren Young which the paparazzi called a date. When they asked
    how TJ was, Nattie joked that they “weren’t divorced yet”. TJ was
    understandably outraged that Nattie could have made a joke about that
    and confronted her, with Nattie ending up in the bedroom, upset over
    another fight.

Will Matt and I get upset and end up in a fight over this episode? Let’s find out!

WWE Backstage
Nattie is telling the twins that her tire blew out on the way to their last show. (MATT: 20 seconds in, Nattie’s already suffered for all our sins. That’s gotta be a record.)
Brie one-ups Nattie because she hasn’t suffered enough: Brie and Bryan
were robbed. The robbers were home when they got home. Brie called 911,
Bryan chased the robbers, caught one and put him in a choke hold. (MATT: All true. Kinda like David Copperfield’s “slight of hand” when a thief thought he was stealing his wallet.) Wait, he’s so injured he can’t hang a 5 lb photo, but he can take down a robber with a choke hold? (MATT: GOOGLE DOESN’T LIE! ALL THOSE RKO-OUT-OF-NOWHERE VIDEOS ARE REAL, TOO!!!) Nikki tops off this Dick Sundae, saying they robbed the wrong house because “the only diamond they own is on Brie’s finger”. (MATT: And Nikki is already on the Annoying Diva List…)

Titles.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ

Daniel and Brie’s House
Brie gets a call from WWE Talent Relations guy, Mark Carrano. They’re both invited to the Teen Choice Awards. (MATT: The Easy Bake Oven of award shows, though slightly better than the MTV Movie Awards…which isn’t saying much.)
She’s thrilled as she usually goes with Nikki. The fact that she’s been
invited with her husband makes it extra special. She wants him to
high-five her for the fact they have to shop for something and he
refuses. Brie tells the camera that “everyone wants to see what you wear
on the Red Carpet. (MATT: No…no…that’s the Oscars. People wear jeans and t-shirts for this show…but, then, this is a woman who thought a seal was a fish, so…)
He says neither of them needs a new outfit for this as they have plenty
of clothes. No fashion designer would lend Brie and outfit for the
publicity? He looks through her closet and points out things she could
wear and she rebukes them all, as she’s “worn them before”. She says he
buys too many things on Amazon. “Like books”. (MATT: And she needs to buy more shit from Amazon. Like books.)

ORLANDO, FL

Eva Marie and Jon’s Apartment
Jon
is complaining that he’s had to move multiple times for her. She asks
if he’s excited that Cameron and Vincent will be doing a couple’s trip
with them as part of the move process. Given the title of this episode,
it’s clear things will not go well. Eva wants him to fix her shoes, he
asks if he looks like a cobbler, a term she has never heard of. (MATT: Not even cobblers use the term, “cobbler”. Eva Marie is forgiven, k? Cuz she’s hot.)

TAMPA, FL

Boing Jump Center
Rosa meets Chad, her “date to take her mind of Gary”. (MATT: Take her mind off him? They went on two short dates and talked about food the entire time.)
Gary isn’t texting her back (since he’s seeing Summer, as you might
recall). He’s a model and she met him online. This won’t go well. (MATT: Yes, let the cynicism flow through you…)
They’re at a trampoline gym, which looks like a lot of of fun. He
reveals he’s 23 and she says he’s so mature, to which he replies, “I took you to a trampoline bounce house.” Chad reveals he’s a Christian and she says she’s one, too. (MATT: Acquiesce Theater right here.) She
says she never dated one before as her appearance tends not to be the
type to attract fellow Christians. She says that “sharing your body with
somebody that doesn’t have God in them [isn’t right].” (MATT: Like that’s stopped her before.) She
feels sparks — but, due to his beliefs, he’s waiting for marriage to
have sex. She tells him she loves that, but she tells the camera she
can’t wait that long. (MATT: All the Atheists breathe a sigh of relief.)

ORLANDO, FL

Eva’s car
Eva
and Cameron go to pick up their trailer. Eva states that she has never
driven one before and hopes she doesn’t hit anything. Cameron rides on
the hitch and in the pickup part but finally gets in the truck. Finally
Eva Marie puts the trailer over the sidewalk, parks it over the curb,
thenhits a tree with her truck. Eva and Cameron laugh, hysterically.
Cameron checks out the damage, actually working in her dumb catchphrase,
“Girl, bye” when she does it. (MATT: “The potential for vehicular manslaughter is sooooo funny!”) Cameron says she’s worries about getting on the highway.

TAMPA, FL

117 South Restaurant
The
twins are celebrating their mom, Kathy’s birthday with her and JJ. It
is her 50th birthday and, while she did not get her mom a gift, (lame)
she decides she will pick up the check for all of them. (Considering
Rosa’s apparent fetish for hitting on women who are having
their birthdays, I’m half surprised Rosa didn’t pop out of a cake when
dessert came). (MATT: The scene is young.) As they are walking
out of the restaurant, Brie gets a call from Daniel who received an
alert that she spent $400 at dinner using their joint bank account. (MATT: Wait, wait, wait…what happened with Rosa and the birthday cake?) Brie says she doesn’t know if “bank texts are real”. (MATT: Doesn’t know? How could she not know?) Brie
is outraged. Daniel says taking her Mom out for a birthday is fine but
$400 bucks is too much to spend. He reminds her they agreed to talk
about those kinds of things first. Nikki calls for her to get in the car. She’s driving. And she’s slurring, drunkenly. (MATT: Yup, she’s racking up the Annoying Diva charges.)

CLEVELAND, OH for Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Stephanie
McMahon comes to talk to the Divas along with the company’s charity
representative. Steph mentions October being breast cancer month and
that they will have the Divas represent Susan G. Komen. She tells them
having a mammogram doesn’t really hurt, it just flattens your boob like a
pancake and they take a lot harder things in the ring. She doesn’t
really elaborate on what they will do for the charity, my guess is
making some sort of mammogram commercials.

Ringside
Summer
Rae is fighting a mixed tag team match with Adam Rose against Fandango
and Layla. Michael Cole refreshes us on the then-storyline: Summer got
dumped by Fandango via Twitter and JBL feels that is a fair use of the
medium. Summer Rae tussles with Layla and then chases Layla out of the
ring.

Backstage
Gary comes to see Summer.
Summer tells the camera that while Rosa dated him first, they didn’t
seem to have chemistry and, if Rosa was really her friend, she’d
understand if things worked out between the two of them. She finds out
his seats are right near the Spanish Announce table. Rosa is stunned to
see Gary is there. Rosa says on camera that she is so heated, her skin
is boiling. (MATT: That’s just “God inside you”.) She pulls Summer aside to talk.

Rosa
is furious. Summer had told her not to text Gary to let him be a man.
Summer says it’s not that bad as she’s not dating him and he’s not into
her. (MATT: If what I’m watching is real, then the fact that everyone
has to point out the blatantly obvious on this show just reinforces the
notion that every single person on this show is a goddamn moron.)

Rosa says she lied by not saying she was dating him. Rosa feels very
betrayed by Summer, saying that it’s supposed to be “chicks before
dicks”. Summer questions whether Rosa should even be dating at this
stage. They exchange words and Rosa storms off after saying she wants to
punch Summer in the face. (MATT: I don’t want to but Rosa should probably get in line behind the thousands of women who’d like to.) Summer tells her, “That’s not part of your program”, obviously referencing Rosa’s trip through AA.

Restaurant
Nattie is telling the Divas that a cat peed in the guest room. (MATT: If Nattie ends up with stigmata at the end of the show, I wouldn’t shocked.) Brie
complains about how “hard it is having combined bank accounts”. Nikki
says he’s checking her spending. Brie says that Bryan won’t let her get a
new dress and wants her to wear something she “already wore”. (MATT: Life is so hard for the Bellas.) Nattie
says there’s only so much you can do with a dress. Presumably WWE pays
for their accommodations, if for no other reason then to know for sure
what hotel they are in, not sure about rental cars, but they don’t have
different costumes for every event. How much could they possibly be
spending on hair and makeup that presumably is done for them by WWE
employees? Brie says it’s not that she wants to spend money it’s that
she has to. (MATT: No…she wants to spend money on a dress. She doesn’t have to spend it.)

ORLANDO, FL

Jon and Eva Marie’s House
Vincent’s flight got delayed, so it screwed up their schedule. Jon made color-coded itineraries for everyone. Cameron
says she feels like she’s at work. Eva Marie picks on the fact that he
budgeted 5 minutes for a gas and bathroom break and asks if he will use a
stopwatch as a joke. He says she didn’t contribute to this (though she
did pick up the U-Haul) (MATT: And crashed it, so I’d say that disqualifies her.).
Cameron suggests they throw a few things down to the ground to have fun
and so they do – dropping several boxes and even the mattress. (MATT: Wwwwwwhy…?) Surprisingly, nothing seems to break.

TAMPA, FL

Couture Boutique
The
Bella Twins are shopping at a vintage boutique. They try on dresses: a
gorgeous purple wrap dress for Nikki and Brie tries a yellow Dolce
Gabanna dress with flowers, it’s cute but I wouldn’t wear it. Brie wants
Nikki to buy it so Daniel won’t know it’s new. Nikki agrees to it. (MATT: If I asked my brother to spend thousands on something I didn’t need, I’d get laughed at.)

ORLANDO, FL

Airport
Vincent
finally makes it in. No one is happy to see the itineraries —
especially with the 6 AM start time each day. The boys sit in the front,
the girls in back. Cameron is singing a cheerleader-like chant but,
when Eva Marie asks if she was a cheerleader, she says no. I know she is
thinking of a cheerleader at a school level, but as a Funkadactyl she
certainly was one of sort.

Paquette’s Tractors/Museum
They pull in to sight see. (MATT: Seriously, I have nothing.) This was on Jon’s itineraries really? Everyone is having fun, (MATT: HOW?!) but Jon tries to get them to leave. Finally, he convinces them to leave. (MATT: Well, now…wasn’t that worth 90 seconds of your time?)

ORLANDO, FL


The Grind (Coffee Shop)
The twins are getting drinks at a
coffee shop. Brie gets a call from Daniel asking what The Grind is. Is
he getting alerts for every cent she spends? He’s asking why she spend
$22 on coffee? (MATT: That goddamn drink better be mowing my lawn for $22 dollars.) Nikki says that Brie works hard for her money, so she should be able to spend it as she wants. (MATT: Says the healthy person living off Cena.) Nikki says such monitoring is only needed when someone is addicted to shopping and she is not. (MATT: $400 on dinner, thousands on a dress $22 on coffee — and that’s just what we have witnessed.)
Brie tells the camera that she’s fed up with her husband calling her
about spending “a dollar” and says it makes her feel like her husband
doesn’t trust her. (MATT: “A dollar”, which paid for all of the above?)

ON THE ROAD

U-Haul
They
are not on a schedule and don’t have a hotel room in the town they are
in. Jon says they should go to Mobile, AL but every room is sold out via
Cameron’s phone. (MATT: …aaaaand, it’s a horror film, now.) Cameron
calls a hotel that, of course, only has one room available. Cameron
asks the camera how they’re all gonna “fit in one bed”. (MATT: I just became very interested…) The
clerk will leave them directions in a lock box to their room. Jon says
they will be out in the middle of nowhere and will probably get
murdered. (MATT: …aaaaaand…it’s meta-horror?)

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant
Rosa
tells the camera she is on the prowl for “the one”. She sees her date,
Nate, and tries to sneak up on him, but he isn’t startled. He admires
her watch and they laugh that they both have the wrong time on their
watches. Rosa, who has obviously learned nothing from losing Gary, asks
him what he is looking for, less than five minutes into the date. Nate says he’s looking for fun, which in my guy-to-gal dictionary means “come join my harem if you can hang”. (MATT: Then, she tells him that she’s “horny”. This is off to a great start.) After
food arrives, she tells him she’s sober, feels his muscles and feeds
him. He says his turns offs are forward women, which means he should be
asking for the check soon a’la Gary-style. Rosa complains to the camera
she’s giving him sex eyes and can’t win. I don’t think she knows what
the hell she wants. (MATT: You can’t say you’re looking for “the one”
and then practically hump the dude’s leg during dinner. This is the
kinda Jekyll/Hyde character bullshit I’m talking about with this show.)

ON THE ROAD

Alabama State Sign
Vincent
says he feels sick, Eva and Vincent blame the gas station burritos he
had as Jon wouldn’t let them stop at a sit down place for food due to
wanting to keep to a schedule.

The Shephard House
Our travelers come to their destination: a hotel that they facetiously call “The Haunted Mansion”. (MATT: The Haunted Mansion is more hospitable.)
They see rocking chairs on the porce and, immediately, denounce that as
“creepy”. The place is huge and their room has no shower (just a tub).
There is only one bed. They joke the men will sleep on the outside and
the women on the inside. They make jokes about murderers getting them
while they sleep. (MATT: IT’S A VICTORIAN-STYLE BED & BREAKFAST! GET A FUCKING GRIP!!!)

WASHINGTON, DC

Nattie and Rosa’s Rental Car
Rosa
is lamenting that she hasn’t heard from Nate and says that maybe she
came on too strong. Nattie tells her to take it slow, after all she and
TJ didn’t get married for more than a decade after they started dating.
Even then, they don’t have a perfect marriage. (MATT: That’s reassuring.)

MOBILE, AL

The Shephard House
Jon wakes up and tells everyone they must get out on the road as their schedule is off.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Daniel and Brie’s hotel room
Brie
shows the yellow dress to her husband and says she made Nikki buy it
for her as he was so concerned that she spends too much. (MATT: Guilt Trip Mo–er, BRIE MODE!)
She says she is careful with money and always has a plan and he
disagrees with her statement. She says she needed to have a new outfit
for the red carpet. He says that is the stupidest thing he’s ever heard
of. The dress just does not say red carpet to me. (MATT: This whole storyline says “spoiled brat” to me.)

Teen Choice Awards – Red carpet
Brie is interviewed and gets to say she is wearing vintage Dolce Gabanna. (MATT: And nobody of note cares.) Daniel is wearing a regular shirt. in their rental car. (MATT: You mean “ONE FROM HIS CLOSET THAT HE’S ALREADY WORN???)
Daniel says he kind of gets that dresses are important for her
branding. He says he’s not always the one in the right — maybe 95%. And
they joked their way out of a fight, love it. (MATT: And another important marital issue is swept under the rug! Awwww…)

ON THE ROAD

Truck Stop
Jon
and Eva Marie argue as they are buying souvenirs in the truck stop and
he wants to round people up. He says she didn’t do anything for the move
besides throw some boxes. She walks off to find the rest to get
everyone ready to go.

RICHMOND, VA

Lesbian Bar
Sick of not being able to connect with men, Rosa decides to take Nattie to a lesbian bar. (MATT: WHAT?! Didn’t Nattie tell her to fuck off and not try this shit TWO EPISODES AGO???) Nattie tells the camera that Rosa should not even be in a bar. Rosa kisses another woman in front of Nattie. (MATT: And it’s like watching Biff Tannen trying to kiss Lorraine in Back to the Future Part II.) Nattie talks to a girl about vitamins while Rosa flirts. (MATT: This does not shock me. Seriously.) Nattie tells Rosa to keep the “mouse in the house”. Rosa says she will but implies she will still kiss other girls. (MATT: This wouldn’t turn on a 7th-grade Sex Ed class.)

NORTH TEXAS

U-Haul
Eva
yells at Jon for sighing under his breath. Eva says he’s being passive
aggressive. Cameron tells them to be calm and Vinnie yells at her for
butting in. Soon, Vinnie and Cameron are arguing. (MATT: Is it me, or are all the men on this show controlling, misogynist dickheads?)

SAN ANTONIO, TX

Restaurant
Eva Marie and Jon are arguing as they sit together at a table for two. (MATT: Can we stop the episode so I can leap off here or…?) He
says they should get rid of the U-Haul and hire movers and take flights
to get to where they are going. Jon said he knew that was going to
happen. (MATT: Why they even tried this in the first place is beyond me.)

U-Haul
Jon apologizes to everyone in the car. Eva tells everyone that it’s quitting time. They all make up. That was quick.

RICHMOND, VA

Nattie and Rosa’s Hotel Room
Nattie
asks what last night was about. Nattie went home early and Rosa stayed
out till 5 am. Nattie tells the camera she is worried about Rosa
relapsing. Rosa says she’s more into guys, but she has been with women
before. She claims she’s freaked out by guys and every relationship
she’s been in has had abuse and pain in it. Nattie says some people in
her life have had substance abuse problems and they are trying to fill a
void with drugs. Nattie says the most important thing in life is a
human connection, more important than money, a championship, so if she
connected with that woman she kissed, so be it. Nattie agrees the woman
has a nice rack, Rosa says she also had a nice butt and that she will
call her. (MATT: 59 minutes into the show, and we finally have something compelling to watch.)

Weekly Wrap-Up


Danielle

This week’s hug goes to: Brie –
She loves her husband, but she has to hide her spending from him as
he’s literally tracking every purchase she makes. That’s just sick. Matt
and I have a joint bank account, also, but we don’t track each other
like cyber stalkers. Prudent couples trust each other – and realize some
discretionary free spending should be encouraged.

This week’s punches go to: Daniel and Jon (tie) (for
the first time ever both to husbands of Divas and none to Divas) – both
micromanaged and control freaked their way through this episode, both
need to trust their wives and let them be who they are instead of
micromanaging them. Daniel needs to let her have some free spending
money, especially when she’s primary wage earner now. Jon needed to
recognize that a road trip is supposed to be fun and with three people
wanting to have fun on the trip, he should have just relaxed and let it
be fun for all of them, himself included.

Matt

This week’s hug goes to: Rosa – This
was process of elimination, really. Rosa’s “hunt for the one”, as silly
as it is, was the emotional anchor and managed to give us the only
thing worth watching on the show. I know people like her and it’s kinda
sad to see them collapsing. The thing is, she’s 100 percent correct at
the end: it doesn’t matter where you get your fix as long as you’re not
doing damage to yourself or anyone else. That’s your lesson for today,
boys and girls. Look for WWE to shit all over it somehow in the next ep.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week: The Bella Twins – Nikki
started high the list and, really, including her in this might not seem
fair…but it’s more than warranted. These two are spoiled goddamn
brats. You can’t wear a fucking dress you’ve “already worn” that’s “from
your closet”?! Say it ain’t so! I’ve got, maybe, a dozen nice shirts
and two suits. That’s it. Would I like something nicer? Sure. CAN I? No.
WHY? I can’t fucking afford it. Danielle said, above, that we have a
joint account and that’s true. We also communicate and approve purchases
and work them into our budgets. Watching Brie just drop loads of cash
with her husband questioning her every step of the way is warranted.
When I was married, my wife used to do the same and it was something
that I realized, after our divorce, she was 100 percent correct about. I
was stupid for going out and living beyond our means and watching this
and watching the Bellas pout, pathetically, about not using dresses when
they have about 700 to choose from in their closets is fucking garbage.
And not to be a Fake Concern Troll here, but there are people who don’t
have the benefit of wealth, so seeing Nikki turn her high maintenance
nose up and approving of her sister’s behavior automatically reserves a
spot on this list right next to Brie. I mean, I’m not even mentioning
the drunk driving or her insulting her own sister over the “only diamond
she owns”. Let’s just stop here.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 7 – “The Double Cross”

Welcome back for the second half of our Total Divas Doubleheader. (MATT: NOT a euphemism.)
Last episode, of course, was dedicated to Eva Marie and Jon’s
bachelor/ette party in Curacao, Mexico. In this episode, we got to see
differences in how our group of Divas had fun and celebrated.

  • To Nattie, such a getaway meant a good time to get away and have a
    romantic time reconnecting with her husband. Unfortunately, TJ’s concept
    of romance and connection was feeding ostriches at a farm and not
    banging the shit out of her when she brought up the idea. (MATT: Let that sink in for a moment: he actually researched things to do in Curacao and chose to visit an Ostrich Farm.)
  • Brie lost her luggage and had to make do with her sister’s clothing
    and persistent badgering. She did drink some but, for the most part,
    wanted to think about her husband at home and how to decorate that home.
    Nikki kept lamenting the loss of her sister (or rather the loss of her
    sister as her co-conspirator in getting drunk and acting silly) and may
    have made some personal growth in recognizing they are just very
    different women who (as Nikki said herself in the first season) she
    wouldn’t be friends with if they weren’t sisters.
  • Cameron, as usual, didn’t have much time for Vincent, though she did
    want to drag him away on this excursion. Though she barely spent time
    with him on the vacation, she did decide to house hunt with him after he
    made his feelings about their relationship known. Since Nikki is the
    only real estate agent they know (plot contrivance), she asked Nikki to
    be her realtor.

And, now…part 2 of our Divas Doubleheader…still booze-free…

TAMPA, FL

Natty and Rosa’s Rental Car
The ladies refuse help from the hotel valets with their luggage as they’re “strong girls”. (MATT: Rosa uses two hands and barely gets her case into the car. STRONG!)
They also don’t appear to tip, maybe they realized they forgot to get
cash for such occassions, which happens to me all the time as I usually
pay for things with a debit card. Natalya hears a buzzing sound coming
from Rosa’s bag. She turns 4 shades of red and says it’s her “electric
toothbrush”. Nattie tells Rosa to pull over so they can investigate.
Natty pulls out Rosa’s vibrator which Rosa says she “used this morning”.
(MATT: That makes it all better.) Natty, who is in Prude Mode (MATT: Doesn’t want to know that she masturbates like every other woman on the planet?)
following her horny streak in Curacao, declares that this is “too
intense” and says she “doesn’t need to know this much about her”.  She
asks for a baby wipe but Rosa claims she “washed it”. (MATT: Every
single week, I say, “Maybe I’ll be surprised and Total Divas will be
good. Every single week, I do this. Why do I do it? Why? WHY???)

Titles.

TAMPA, FL


John and Nikki’s House
Nikki is excited for the movie she’s
in called, “Confessions of a Womanizer”. John jokes he has a small
part, she says he does not. (MATT: They are talking about penises…right?)

Limousine
In
the car, Nikki tells John that “he likes penis jokes”, so he’ll “like
the comedy in the movie.” He doesn’t know what else to say except,
“Thank you.” (MATT: I know I’ll be the first one in line for this masterpiece of American cinema…)

The Palladium
They
show up at the red carpet premiere with director, Miguel Ali. Naomi
shows up (via invite) and Nikki says she’s excited — this is the first
thing she’s been in. Nikki is stoked, saying that it’s a thrill to “play
somebody else, a whole new character”. Then we get a look at her
“character”: a superficial valley girl who verbally harasses guys she
thinks are beneath her and twirls her gum.

(MATT: Pictured – “Somebody Else”)

There are a ton of empty seats in the
theater as John and Nikki watch the film and, somehow, the audience
laughs at “jokes” like, “Just because we’re twins doesn’t mean I wanna
fuck my sister.” Nikki says that this role makes her happy and that she
can see “more movies in her future”.

(MATT: Pictured – “Happiness”)

Rosa and Natalya’s Hotel Room
(MATT: Pre-emptive solution: why doesn’t Nattie just stop bunking and hanging around with Rosa? I know that WWE told her to babysit…but Rosa certainly didn’t need a handler while Nattie was off in Curacao, did she?) Nattie picks on her for wearing a white tank top and shorts. (MATT:
Why are we still seeing Divas shaming clothing choices? What is the
point of that? They’re all basically nude when they go to the ring.)
Nattie says Rosa looks like she’s going to a nudist colony. Rosa says she likes to show off skin.

Rosa and Nattie’s Rental Car
Rosa
and Nattie watch as a fire truck crosses the intersection in front of
them. Rosa says that that the firemen inside are probably cute. (MATT: Sound familiar, Danielle?) Nattie
is still locked in Prude Mode and asks what Rosa means. Rosa says
hasn’t had sex in a year and a month and that she’s “on the hunt”.
Judging from the last few episodes, it’s been a long time for Nattie,
too. However, Rosa says she’s looking for a guy to be
“well-endowed”…and a guy who is willing to wait a bit. Wait…what?
You either you want to get it hard fast and now or you don’t. (MATT:
She practically dry humps every single Diva she sees and eye-fucks every
dude in front of her. As Andy PG said: This show…this fucking show.)

Nattie, practically advocating male dominance and female submission,
says that guys don’t want to “sit around and play Monopoly”. Rosa
counters and says the wrong kind of relationship could make her want to
drink again. She’s scared to date and she wants to meet her future
husband, she tells the camera. Nattie tells her she’ll know when she
meets the right guy. (MATT: Just like Nattie did! Uh, wait…)

Central Avenue Oyster Bar (Restaurant)
After
the premiere, John tells Nikki, “Take me to dinner, movie star.” They
toast her success. Nikki is really proud of her role, but also proud of
her husband who just landed a role in Judd
Apatow’s upcoming film, “Trainwreck”. She says that the cast is
“unreal”. (MATT: If you consider Judd Apatow, Tilda Swinton, the dude
from African-Spielberg pirate flick, and a bunch of SNL rejects,
comedians, a hip hop artist and LeBron James “unreal”, that is.)

John looks a touch pensive and asks if she would ever be naked on film.
She says she would not and says, off-camera, that “the girls” are for
her man and she wouldn’t show them. However, she’s ok with implied
nudity, such as a shot of her back when she’s topless. He keeps prodding
and asks would she ever do a sex scene, but she says she will only do a
sex scene with John. He asked an awful lot of questions. Just what is
in his movie? (MATT: Well, the film doesn’t really have details yet, but it–.) Did he do full frontal? (MATT: Well, I don’t kn–.) Does he have a graphic sex scene? (MATT: I really don’t thi–.) Is this movie a porno? (MATT: Why do we suddenly have advance tickets, Danielle? DANIELLE???) 

ORLANDO, FL

Brick House Tavern + Tap (Restaurant)
Nattie
goes to meet Naomi for lunch as Naomi did not go to Eva Marie’s
bachelorette party in Curacao. We see “highlights” from the party in
Curacao which was comprised of Nattie being miserable 95 percent of the
time. Naomi asks if she’s considered marriage counseling. She admits
they tried sex therapy, which was bad for TJ, but not regular therapy.
She says the sex therapy scarred him. (MATT: The only “scars” you should have after sex therapy are nail marks in your fucking back.) Nattie: “TJ says I’m such a control freak But I feel like my way is the right way”. Naomi grimaces.

TAMPA, FL

John’s Car
Nikki
asks if John is excited about his movie. He says that he is and that he
plays Amy Schumer’s boyfriend who is over obsessive. He says there’s a
sex scene involved — and Nikki’s expression changes. Needless to say,
she’s not quite happy. Then, to make matters worse, he says it has
“partial nudity” — but just his butt. She tells the camera that Cena is
her man and that it may be “just an ass” but that it’s “her ass”. She
says she feels like he kept that from her. John: “I didn’t keep it from
you — we’re talking about it.(MATT: Shut up, John. It’s no fun when you destroy this show’s bullshit with actual logical thinking.) He
says he apologizes for not telling her immediately. She says that this
was a decision they both should have made and that he has to be naked
with somebody and pretend that they’re attracted to one another. He says
it’s one sex scene. She says he’s choosing that over “their
relationship”. Cena: “No…you’re putting our relationship on the line over this.”) (MATT: SHUT UP, JOHN!! STOP THINKING!!) Nikki: “Why don’t you ask other women and see if they’d like their men to be in sex scenes.” (MATT: So, he should ask all the men who have done sex scenes if their women wanted them do that?) Cena says that maybe he’s not with the right woman.

After a break, SexGate continues. Nikki says it’s “weird to fake fuck somebody”. Cena
calls her insecure. Nikki says she’s not insecure and that she’s
concerned about him. She says that he’s gonna be with somebody else. He
tells her “it’s a production” and that it isn’t real at all. (MATT: Didn’t Nikki pretend to be fake-fucking Daniel Bryan at one point?)
Nikki pushes the narrative, again, that Cena “hid this from her” and
then says they “never discuss stuff because they’re not married”. (MATT: You have to be “married” to talk about things?) Nikki
turns on the water works and starts crying, saying that they need to
have a real relationship but she’s not in one. She’s just that girl who
“signed the paper and lives in John Cena’s house”. (MATT: She’s just NOW realizing this?)
He says if Nikki feels like crap because he doesn’t tell her every
single thing, then everything they’ve been through has been pointless.

CLEVELAND, OH

Hotel Room
Nattie
asks Rosa how their matches were during their recent shows in the area.
Rosa says that she “gave Eva her body to work with”. Rosa says she’s
going out to lunch with one of the Cleveland Browns. Nattie calls the
dude a “meathead”. (MATT: Yet, she’s still got a better deal than Nattie.)

Zocalo (Restaurant)
Rosa
has lunch with Cleveland Brown Gary Barnidge. They compare diets. He
likes the Queso dip at the place but she says that would add “cottage
cheese to her ass”. He says he can eat anything because his workouts
dump a ton of calories. Rosa says she has a nicer ass than most of the
younger girls in the locker room. She seems to hit it off and tells the
camera that she was “picturing him with his clothes off”. (MATT: How is that different than all the other people she meets in her daily life?)

TAMPA, FL

John & Nicole’s House

Nikki
has invited her brother and her Mom to their house for the first time.
She mentions the movie and that Cena has a sex scene. Brie and her Mom
and slightly outraged — while Nikki’s brother simply asked, “Didn’t you
do a story where you and Brie were making out with Daniel Bryan?” Nikki
confirms that this happened but says that “kissing is different”. (MATT: Oh, I can’t wait to hear the hypocritical bullshit that’s about to fly from her mouth here.) She says that kissing is different because you “don’t use tongue and stuff”. (MATT: OH…COME…ON.) Her
family talks her off the ledge and Nikki can’t believe it. She says
that Cena should have talked about with her. Brie agrees. Then they talk
about the time they asked their Dad to take them to see “Booty Call”.
Then they laugh. (MATT: For what reason? How does this wrap anything up?)

Marriage Counselor
Nattie
and TJ are seeing a marriage counselor. She says she knows their
marriage can improve which is why they’re there. Nattie tells the
counselor that they’re not on the same page and that they see each other
once a week. TJ says that she’s too focused on work when she comes
home. The counselor asks how he feels about things. He says some of it
sucks and some of it doesn’t. He says he sees more positives in not
going on the road all the time.. Nattie says that this will create more
space. She says that TJ is one of the best wrestlers in the world. She
says she feels emptiness and she feels alone. TJ is forced to admit
this.

WWE NXT Gym
Nattie talks with Ryan
Katz, WWE Producer, about developing a new character for TJ. She admits
on camera she wants to get in his body and do his work for hm because he
isn’t doing what she wants.

HOUSTON, TX for Monday Night RAW


Ringside
Brie is in the ring to continue her storyline feud with Stephanie McMahon where Brie demands the SummerSlam match with Steph. (MATT: And that’s it. We already saw this. Why can’t we have ome behind-the-scenes stuff about that?)

Backstage

Rosa meets Gary Barnidge backstage. She says Gary is the first person she has ever brought backstage. (MATT: I kinda doubt that…) She
introduces Gary to Summer and Nattie. It turns out Summer has met him
before. Nattie nearly gets into it with Summer and excuses herself and
Rosa gets called away for an interview. Summer continues talking to Gary
and flirts with him. summer tells how she used to play football for the
Legends Football League. (MATT: An oddly named league considering it’s little more than a T&A fest with no “legends” to speak of.) She
talks about how intense the league was and tells the camera that she
likes Gary because he’s attractive and they have so much in common. (MATT:
Can’t wait to use that excuse: “Well, she was hot and we both are from
San Jose and we both use Tablets to get our writing done!”)
Summer tells him that they should go find Rosa.

Meat & Potatoes (Restaurant)

Nikki
is out for a “girl’s night”, sans Brie. Nattie, Eva and Cameron all
come along. She says she’s there to just have fun, relax, and not think
about Cena’s sex scene. She asks what the girls think of the situation
with John. (MATT: If you’re trying to “forget about it”, why the fuck are you bringing it up?!) None of the girls like the idea — especially Nattie who acts like Cena’s cheating on her. (MATT: I’m so tired of Nattie. Seriously.) Nikki has a smirk on her face, knowing she’s in good company. (MATT: Yeah, reveling in creating a mob mentality.) Nattie
tells Nikki that she often gets into character — and that means
physically as well. Nikki says she needs a whole bottle of wine while
Nattie wonders if Cena will get an erection during filming. Nikki
doesn’t look happy. Nattie tells her that she needs to put her foot
down. (MATT: WWE Divas: giving women a bad reputation one episode at a time.)

ORLANDO, FL

WWE Performance Center (Gym)
Rosa
meets Summer and laughs at a guy making intense grunting noises while
lifting weights. Rosa says that Paige told her that Rosa makes sex
noises when she lifts. Rosa says she had no idea she did that because
she was wearing earphones. Rosa says she can now understand why she gets
stared at in the gym. (MATT: She is like a living, breathing Mariah Carey poster. Nothing but ego and self-flattery.) She
tells Summer that she sent Gary a text and he took an hour to reply.
Summer says that isn’t bad. Rosa says “He’s talking to Rosa Mendes.
That’s bad.” (MATT: Fucking hell. Cut away to anything! PLEASE!) Therefore,
she says, he’s playing hard to get. Really? What if, during that hour,
he fell asleep? Had to be driving? Had an emergency? That’s hardly
enough to decide someone is playing hard to get. Rosa says that he
better look at her with hungry eyes on the date. (MATT: On a second date?!) Rosa needs him to fall in love with her. Summer says Rosa is like a woman on Oprah who has a full wedding book but no groom.

Cafeteria
Nikki
is still upset about John’s sex scene. Nikki says that he doesn’t
deserve her constantly getting in his face about it. She says that she
wants to be cool with it and wishes she could shut off the way she
feels. (MATT: I kid you not, here are the things she wishes she could
say: “Hey, stomach! Don’t get in knots! Hey! Don’t be upset!” And my
favorite: “Hey, blood! Why are you boiling right now?” That last one
sounds like a gang member asking another gang member what he’s
cooking.) 
Brie says that John is the first good guy she has dated.
Nikki says he’s been burned in weird ways: their father left with
another woman when they were young. Eva Marie says he’s been trustworthy
and that she needs to trust Cena. Nikki says that she’s taking out her
past frustrations on him. Nattie tries to make it all better by telling
Nikki the girl won’t brush her teeth before she kisses him.

TAMPA, FL


Nattie & TJ’s House
Natalya and TJ went to therapy. They had one visit and they did well, making a lot of progress So she moved back in. (MATT: One visit?!) TJ
comes in and says he doesn’t want to go back. TJ says they would be
like hamsters in  a wheel on the couch. Nattie tells the camera, “You
can’t make progress in one visit!” (MATT: WHAT?! She moved back in after one visit citing good progress! FUUUUUUUUCK!!!) She
starts crying and he mocks her for it. He says that everythng is fine.
He tells Nattie that her issues are her own. He’s not going back.

Ember (Restaurant)
Rosa
is meeting Gary Barnidge for her second date she tells him they spent
hours in a gym. At lunch, she finds he isn’t drinking and, when
questioned, tells him she was in rehab. She hasn’t been in a
relationship in a year because she was “paranoid of guys” (MATT: Run, Gary. NOW.) She says that wants to be with her soul mate and doesn’t want to have fun, then says she needs “a lot of attention”. (MATT: NOW, GARY. GO!) She
says she will wait until she’s in love to be intimate. He tells her she
has too many guidelines to have one guy meet them and, when the
waitress comes over a moment later to see if they need anything else,
just asks for the check. My guess is their relationship, what little it
was, is over. (MATT: I dunno…I can see a future there…)

NEW YORK, NY

WWE Mommy Blog Event
Nattie
does the event, taking photos with kids and signing autographs, then
bumps into Darren Young. She tells him that she’s gonna go have dinner
later and that he should come.

Serendipity (Restaurant)
Nattie
says she is having a night out on the town with Darren Young, takes a
selfie with him and then says that it’s nice to have somebody to vent
to. When they get to the restaurant, the Paparazzi is there. She shows
off Darren — but the guy with the camera asks where TJ is. Nattie says
TJ is good and that they’re “not divorced yet”. Darren looks a little
awkward. Nattie asks Darren how he felt about that. Apparently, she told
the guy “don’t tell TJ” by complete accident. The cameraman’s reply
was, “I don’t wanna get my ass kicked!” Darren doesn’t look at all comfy
with it.

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant
Nikki
is out with John for lunch. He says it was a great experience filming
his movie and Nikki says that she is proud of him for getting the job
and opens up about having been cheated on and how things were with her
Dad leaving. He counters and apologizes, telling her that she has every
right to feel that way and says he should have told her about the scene
sooner. She tells the camera this make them stronger they are taking the
next step in their relationship. (MATT: #NIKKIWINSLOL)

ORLANDO, FL

Summer’s car
she is primping while driving and then goes to a restaurant — to meet up with Gary. That was quick. (MATT: The editing was so slick here. It’s obvious that this was manufactured.)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie & TJ’s House
Nattie stayed an extra day in New York to have some “Nattie time”. (MATT: She’s always taking time off to be by herself. Am I insane here?)
TJ tells her that she should have told him. He’s pissed off about
telling the Paparazzi about their divorce. TJ says he’s hurt because she
never mentioned anything like that to him. He asks if she wants a
divorce. She says she doesn’t know what he wants anymore. She goes into
the bedroom and doesn’t come out.

FINAL RECAP

Danielle

This week’s hug goes to: Brie. Though she had barely any screen time, she got to stand toe to toe with Steph. That’s awesome.

This week’s punch goes to: TJ & Summer Rae (tie)
Really, TJ? You thought one session of marriage counseling was all you
needed to fix years of problems? Summer Rae – going after a coworker’s
intended b/f is low, even for a reality show peep.

Matt

This week’s hug goes to: John Cena. I’m
sorry. I don’t buy any of this storyline. I refuse to believe that
Nikki can flaunt her body, admit that she doesn’t wear underwear, act
more superficial than a Kardashian, make out with Daniel Bryan, pretend
she’s someone else…and then turn around and be jealous when Cena’s got
a sex scene in a movie. Cena, from what I’ve heard, has been around the
block, so this story is setting off my bullshit detector, big-time. 

Most annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki/Nattie/Rosa (tie) I
hate ties. But, holy shit. Nattie’s a fucking headcase. One moment,
she’s horny as fuck, the next she’s a prude. She chastises women for
what they wear and wears stuff that shows off her obviously fake boobs.
She says they made huge progress with a counseling sessions — then,
turns around and says no progress was made. PICK. A FUCKING. LANE. Nikki
is phony. I don’t like watching her. I hate hearing her talk. I hate
everything she does on this show. The phony “OMG CENA IN A SEX SCENE”
crocodile tears act made my stomach turn. This whole show has that
effect, but this took the cake. Finally, Rosa…what is she looking for
in a guy? Rich, well-hung, somebody who can spend money on her and take
care of her. Ugh. How are any of these girls appealing?

Er, that’s it…

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 6 – “Paint the Island Red”

In
our last episode, “Scared Straight”, several of our divas learned about
the lengths to which they or someone else would go to protect their
family:

  • Cameron, who gave up her career as
    Naomi’s valet so that she could train in NXT, took off time on a
    moment’s notice to fly across the country to help determine if her
    15-year-old delinquent brother was all right. Cameron found him hanging
    out with friends, smoking a bong that broke when she dropped it on a
    sidewalk, and arranged for the most stereotypical ex-gang members to
    perform an intervention. It worked, the brother returned home and agreed
    to be more responsive to his family.
  • Eva Marie was concerned
    upon learning that there had been a robbery near her house and wanted to
    move — but Jon, her husband, wanted to get a gun instead. Guns scare
    her, but she was willing to compromise and visit a gun ranch so she
    could try to overcome her fear by shooting a few assault rifles at paper
    targets represented by zombies which is, apparently, the new “threat”
    in the eyes of gun nuts. Despite her shooting a light out on the range
    from a recoil and declaring that she didn’t want a gun, her husband
    bought one anyhow — while she was on the road.
  • Daniel Bryan
    is still having issues with injuries and may need more surgeries.
    Though Brie seemed to understand this, she still defended his right to
    use herbal medicines and natural homeopathy as his main treatment, even
    when everyone around her was telling her that modern medicine and
    surgery was the only real, viable option.

Guess what? This is a double-header. E! has decided to punish Matt and I by airing episodes back to back.
But, wait! There’s MORE! To supplement a desire to get healthier, lower
BMI and get a more toned body, I’m now greatly reducing my own alcohol
intake to a
single glass of wine on true special occasions – not just, “Hey! It’s
Sunday! So this recap will be my first where I’ll have watched this
train wreck totally sober. Think good thoughts for me I’ll need them! (MATT: Me too. I’m a bit of a sponsor here. I’m on caffeine…heeeeelp meeeeee…)

SAN DIEGO, CA

Preptkitchen (Restaurant)
The Bella twins are wearing tight dresses showing lots of cleavage. (MATT: They’d wear this stuff to a funeral. And thank you for the cleavage.)
(You’re welcome, Matt.) Nikki asks Brie to compliment her shoes and
then says she needs a drink. Brie says she always needs a drink. Nikki
says John Cena will be arriving in a special car they’ve nicknamed
“Buttercup”. Upon finding out the champagne she’s drinking is Spanish,
declares it makes her want to spend a day in Mexico. Brie wisely points
out Spanish champagne is probably from Spain not Mexico. Nikki says
they’re in San Diego, near the Mexican border. So she’s justified in
sayin that. They argue about it. (MATT: There’s no wine in the house. And the three bottles of Guinness in the fridge…those don’t exist. THEY DON’T EXIST.)
Brie: “I feel bad for you Nicole, because your brain works very slow.”
Nikki insults Brie’s fake diamond necklace, in retaliation. Brie insults
Nikki’s diamond pendant as it’s not an engagement ring. (MATT: This is what war would look like if Hillary Clinton was elected.) John arrives and “Buttercup” is a Ferrari. (MATT: #RUSSOSWERVE)
Cena is concerned about Brie and asks if her career in WWE is over.
There’s no answer because there’s a man eating and getting avocado all
over his face! They make fun of him! It’s a laugh riot! (MATT: Ha! It’s funny because it’s all fun! OMG…I might need that Guinness…)

Titles.

OTTAWA, CANADA

Arena (Backstage)
Cameron hugs Seamstress Sandra who we haven’t seen for a while. Cameron tells us on camera that she’s now back in WWE. (MATT: And…really, there’s been no improvement if Cameron’s botch a few weeks ago was any indication.)

(MATT: I’ve got nothing more to add here.)

Meanwhile, Rosa, Summer and Eva Marie are doing photo shoots. Rosa feels like she and Summer are outcasts.

Break Room
Cameron
talks all about her training and Nikki is excited that they’re gonna
see a new Cameron in the ring.Nattie says they have a big trip coming up
— Eva’s bachelorette. They plan their time off – Eva Marie wants a
full-on party even though she’s already married and doesn’t drink. Natty
confesses on camera that she and TJ are taking a break and she’s not
living at home. I wonder if Jarrod knows. (MATT: How are these two not divorced again?)

Friday Night Smackdown – AJ vs Cameron – Ringside
Cameron
tells the camera she’s back playing this wonderful new character. She
is in the ring and  is putting lip gloss on when AJ attacks her. She
fights AJ with some fairly decent moves — but, whatever, The Bellas are
more important.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie’s Car
Nikki laments that John is gone filming some movies and she can’t remember the titles. (MATT: Neither can any of the fans.)
They agree that neither of their men can go to the bachelorette party.
Nikki says they should go and have sister time and get drunk since John
and Daniel won’t be there. Nikki sips her water and claims that it
tastes unfiltered. Brie admits it’s unfiltered sink water because she
was in a hurry. Nikki acts like there’s cancer in the water. (MATT: Or “Ebola” if we’re staying topical) Brie
tells Nikki that Josie (the dog) drinks it so Nikki can, too. Nikki
fires back: “Josie eats her own shit. Do YOU eat your own shit?” Brie
says a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s. Nikki tells her to start
eating her own shit so she can have a cleaner mouth. Brie is silent. (MATT: What? Brie’s not gonna Google that for accuracy?)

TAMPA, FL


The Grind Coffee Bar & Cafe
Natty
visits TJ and says that it’s nice to see him — but was going to say
something else, starting with “It’s nice to have…” TJ doesn’t look at
all happy and asks her if she meant that it’s nice to have space. She
says it isn’t. He asks if she wants space. She says she has no idea what
she wants because she can’t relax. TJ says he knows because that’s how
she’s been for the last 13 years. She wants to get to the bottom of it
because she says she may be the problem after all. (MATT: So, suddenly, we’re all supposed to pretend that TJ hasn’t forgotten three birthdays and won’t look at her while she’s wearing sexy lingerie? Oh, ok. PICK A LANE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.) She asks if TJ wants to work things out. He tells her that he does, so she invites him on the trip and he agrees to this. (MATT: Get out of there, TJ. Get out NOW.) TJ states that Rosa and Summer should find their way to a remote island and never return.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Vincent and Cameron’s Apartment
While
she was working, Vincent apparently spent lots of time cleaning and
organizing. He tells her that they have no more room for any more of
their stuff. So, he wants them to buy a house. (MATT: Is there any middle ground on this show? Dangerous neighborhood? Buy a gun. Need a job? Start a bed and breakfast. Christ, about what point does logic kick in and Vincent says, “We need a storage unit”?)
Vincent badgers her after she’s been home for just ten minutes.
Cameron’s solution to this fight: relax and then get her hair done. (MATT: Nobody on this show fits. At all.)

CURACAO, MEXICO

Airport
Eva
says that they flew during hurricane season. Also, Jonathan, Brie and
Vincent’s luggage is lost. On the bus to the hotel, Vincent loudly
declares that he “has no undies or toothbrush”. Nikki says that doesn’t
matter because Brie Mode is about to happen. (MATT: YEAH, SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING, VINCENT. QUEEN NIKKI HATH SPOKEN.) Nikki recaps “Brie Mode” as if we have no idea what that is.

Santa Barbara Golf and Beach Resort
They get to the hotel and are stoked to find out how nice it is.

Bella’s Hotel Room
Bryan
calls to talk about how their house was painted. Brie tells him her
luggage didn’t arrive. Nikki jokes she will make Brie wear her clothes.
Bryan: “NIKKI…DO NOT. DRESS MY WIFE. LIKE A HOOTCHIE.”

Natty and TJ’s Hotel Room
Natty and TJ hear a couple having sex. TJ suggest they compete with them for volume. (Ha! Matt and I would do that.) (MATT: Shhhhh…) Natty has no idea what TJ is talking about so TJ demonstrates his version of moaning. (MATT: Which sounds like a dog trying to breathe with a collapsed lung.) Natty agrees to this and tells TJ to throw her on the bed. TJ chickens out. (MATT: This is a metaphor for Erectile Dysfunction, isn’t it?)

Poolside
Everyone gathers for breakfast. Nikki tells everyone that Brie wore a “wife-beater” (MATT: A term that needs to go away completely.) to bed (Nikki’s) but nothing else. (MATT: MOAR OF THIS PLEASE.)
Nikki mocks her but Brie explains that she can’t be nude sleeping in
front of her own sister. Eva Marie compliments Natty on the loud sex
noises (Were she and Jon the couple next door having sex?) and Natty
doesn’t tell them that they were faking the noises to mock the two of
them. TJ shows up and seems confused why everyone thinks they had wild
sex but the moment blows over. TJ says he has a surprise for Natty.
Natty says that she got everyone gifts. And, surprise, Natty’s gotten
everyone something made of spandex.

The Beach
Eva
Marie, Cameron, Jon and Vincent go cliff-jumping despite signs saying
that they could die if they do it. Jon goes in fast and Eva jokes the
wedding is off because he went without her. Everyone jumps but Cameron
who gets teased for this. Especially as young kids jump in. (MATT: Warnings, schmornings!) Cameron finally does and is excited that she did. They do it again and again.

Bella Hotel Room
Nikki
wants Mimosas and is bummed that Brie is shopping online. Nikki teases
her for getting boring now that she’s married. Nikki says she isn’t
wearing panties. Brie tells her to put some on.

TJ and Natty’s Rental Car
Natty is excited for his surprise, asking if she’s dressed nice enough. TJ says she is…and the surprise is revealed…

Ostrich Farm
It’s an ostrich farm! (MATT: And my body was starting to sweat all the toxins from the alcohol…) Natty says an ostrich looks like summer. They feed them. Well, at least TJ does. Natty keeps running from them. (MATT: Just like Summer or…?) Natty tells the camera that she doesn’t know why ostriches should be involved in a romantic getaway. (MATT: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT TOOK HER SO LONG TO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION?!)

TJ and Natty’s Rental Car
Natty: “Do I have to do a mating dance to entice TJ?” She wants more romance…doesn’t she know who she’s married to? She says that it’s the thought that counted.

Poolside
Everyone’s
hanging out at poolside. Vincent keeps away from everyone, sitting on
his phone while the girls are having fun. He thinks he’d be a fifth
wheel. Nikki says he’s a nice guy, despite his goofy behavior. Nikki
tells him that he should “lay down the law” when she tries to push him
away. Natty comes back from Le Ostrich Farm and tells everyone about the
trip. Everyone is confused. Nikki asks if TJ set up a “table for two”. (MATT: AT AN OSTRICH FARM, NIKKI?! REALLY?!) Natty
says she can tell the girls anything (except for that sex noise bit, I
guess) but she hates throwing TJ under the bus all the time. (MATT: Sadly, everything TJ does is a liability, so that’s not even possible.) Vincent sends the whole thing off sitcom-style by nearly killing Nikki with a champagne cork. Cameron yells at him like an adoring girlfriend.

Bella Hotel Room
Brie is wearing one of Nikki’s dresses which fits perfectly. Nikki feels the need to stuff the dress anyhow. It doesn’t work.

Shore – American Seafood Grill
Everyone arrives for dinner. Eva and Jon are late as they were having a quickie beforehand. Natty’s jealous of it. (MATT: Is this the same Natty who can barely talk about sex?) They laugh at how bad Brie looks in Nikki’s dress. Curiously, Brie also isn’t drinking and is also teased for it.

Spa
Brie
is looking at fixtures for their house. Nikki wants her to just relax
and enjoy the spa relaxation. Nikki makes the situation even better by
teasing her for having small boobs. Again. They get their massages, but
Brie keeps talking interior design. Nikki tells her she is asleep to try
to get her to relax. Brie calls her a bitch.

Resort
Everyone gets red wigs to surprise Eva and Jon, they get on a boat for a sunset cruise.

Cruise
Jon mentions they are moving back to the OC. (MATT: Is that even still a phrase?)
Vincent says they are house-hunting which Cameron deflects, saying she
doesn’t have time. The girls badger her and tell her that they should be
looking because a girl in her business will never “have time”.

Docks
After
the cruise, Vincent walks away from Cameron. He feels like she isn’t
paying attention to him at all and that he feels neglected. She follows
him down the street and he says he just wants to cool off. Cameron,
however, won’t give him space to just walk it off (which she should).
Still, they keep talking (this is a reality show after all) and he
thinks she doesn’t care. She agrees that so much is going on but she
needs to start thinking about how to improve their relationship. She wants a happy medium.

Dinner
Cameron
makes a toast and manages to praise herself, explaining that she
learned a lot about how to be in a relationship and a friendship.
Cameron says they’re gonna take “baby steps” — then asks Nikki to be
their real estate agent. Nikki keeps trying to get Brie to drink more.
They argue intensely. Nikki insists she will order a bottle of wine and
Brie will drink it all. Brie refuses and calls Nikki obnoxious and tries
to force her sister to drink. (MATT: Fucking hell.)

Brie tells the camera she hates when people try to “force her into Brie Mode”. (MATT: This happens daily?) It makes her want to do the exact opposite.

Limo
They leave in their bus and everyone cheers for Brie Mode.

Bar
Brie
wants to leave early and nobody wants her to. Everyone mocks her for
not drinking. Brie goes home early anyhow. Good for her for resisting
peer pressure and making her own decision. Nikki declares that she’s gonna punch her sister in the face when she gets back to the room.

Eva
Marie and Natty talk in a nearby restroom. Natty admits she and TJ are
not connecting like they used to. She doesn’t know how to fix it. Natty
says she feels like she is having a nervous breakdown and breaks down in
tears. She says TJ doesn’t even want to kiss her anymore. Eva says they
are good people it will take care of itself. (MATT: Nice job, Eva. Great solution.)

Bella Hotel Room
Brie and Nikki haven’t spoken for hours. Brie complains that Nikki tried to make her get into Brie Mode all week. (MATT: Nikki actually denies this. How in the fuck can somebody deny doing something they did eight hours ago?!) Nikki
keeps harping on her, saying she doesn’t want to drink as it upsets
Bryan and Brie isn’t happy because she can’t drink. Brie insists that
this is what she wants in terms of lifestyle. She likes to pick out
furniture and have a life with a guy. Nikki is upset her sister is
changing and that Nikki is “second in her life (after Daniel)”. They hug
and Nikki says she can handle it if Brie doesn’t go to Brie Mode. Brie
gets mad that Nikki wore her dress without wearing underwear. (MATT: Awwww. Always leave them laughing. *Sigh*)

Weekly Wrap Up

DANIELLE

This week’s hugs go to:
Brie & Natty (tie) – Despite choosing to drink in moderation, Brie
had everyone chanting for her to give in (like something out of an ABC
After School Special) and even her own sister kept hounding her.
However, she stuck to her guns and that’s very admirable. Natty –
everyone should have a wild passionate, romantic time while on vacation
with their significant other and she got ostriches instead and managed
not to complain about it too much. She’s a trooper.

This week’s punch goes to:
Nikki – Peer pressuring her sister to drink until puking, making fun of
her choice to not do so, her husband, her hobbies, and wearing her
dress without underwear? Nikki just really irked me this week. (MATT: “This week“?)

MATT

This week’s hug goes to: Natty.
I’m not sure she can be any more pathetic than she already is. I’m not
sure she can be any more stupid than she already is. It’s bad enough she
has to be with a shitty husband (one can only hope what we’re seeing is
completely phony), they actually have her play a submissive little
wifey with an abusive husband in Tyson Kidd to remind her how shitty
things are.

Annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki.
Fuck this one was easy as shit. Danielle covered it above. She’s
obnoxious as fuck the entire episode, doesn’t listen, cares only about
herself, doesn’t have a brain in her skull and doesn’t even seem to
realize that she’s in a shitty relationship with John Cena — and then
tries to deny it all, deflects blame and, somehow, silently declares
herself the innocent party. I’ve said it once and I will say it again: I
think Nikki is a permanent member of this club.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 5 – “Scared Straight”

(MATT: It’s this kinda show today. In fact, it’s so much this kinda show,
I actually get first crack at this train wreck with this caption.)

In our last episode, “Divas Unchained”, our
Divas tried to fix problems with solutions that fell far short of what
they expected (MATT: Wouldn’t be the first time.):

  • Daniel Bryan took Brie shopping for a washer and dryer. He tried to
    get a used set, causing Brie to have a meltdown at the appliance store.
    Ignoring Brie’s frustrations with Bryan or herself, Nikki decided that
    it was time to have an intervention. (MATT: For the sole purpose of
    telling her to stop being “a bitch” even though Bryan and Nikki aren’t
    listening to Brie and being completely selfish.)
    Brie didn’t seem to
    agree with most of what they said, or appreciate her bratty sister
    helping her this way. However, she did seem to agree to be less bitchy
    overall.
  • TJ, who apparently needs a personal assistant to know what day of the week it is, forgot Natty’s birthday again. Yes,
    this is recycled from last year and the year before. You’re not crazy.
    When he and her family finally remember her birthday, they buy her an
    anti-gravity type workout machine as a present. Nattie had enough of TJ
    and her family’s shit and high tails it to a hotel and even invites Rosa
    to come hang out with her. (MATT: Rosa probably got over there so fast, she left fire trails behind her car.)
    Predictably, Rosa ends up hitting on Natty and is rebuffed. So, she
    organizes a party for Natty and buys her lingerie. That doesn’t work.
    So, Rosa arranges a club date with her fellow Divas cast and tries to
    kiss Natty, claiming that she was trying to restore Natty’s confidence.
    She’s rebuffed again. Earlier in the episode, Rosa had hit on Paige who
    also supposedly had had her birthday, so apparently Rosa’s type is women
    with recent birthdays. Look out other Divas, do not invite her to your
    birthday parties! (MATT: I’d tune in for an attempt on Eva. I cannot lie.)
  • Naomi who recently had implantable birth control removed and then
    had months of stomach cramps and bleeding. Her solution was to ignore
    it, (MATT: This is a running theme. I can just picture WWE Creative
    saying, “Think of the most logical thing you could do — and then do the
    polar opposite.”)
    Her husband, John Uso, convinced her to go to the doctor because he was sick of getting no sex
    he was truly concerned for his wife. Turns out she had a polyp, which
    surgery could fix or, if she was very lucky it could leave her body
    naturally. And, of course, Naomi decided to wait for that very unlikely
    event to happen. As John still wanted sex in order to please him she
    took pole dancing classes with some other Divas and brought home a
    stripper pole. At first, he hated the gift and threw it across the room,
    but she convinced him it was great and perhaps will have the surgery
    even though he’s scared it could ruin her fertility.

Will the Divas be ready with their Bandaid solutions
for their major problems this week? Matt and I will use glasses of red
wine to get through this episode to let you know.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Brockton Villa Restaurant
Nikki makes Brie carry things because she cannot carry things and wear high heels. (MATT: …what?)
The place has a nice ocean view, but Nikki says she doesn’t like the
smell of the area because there are lots of seals and they “smell like
seal vagina”. (MATT: *Sigh*) Then she says fish is reminiscent of women’s vagina’s. (MATT: No, no. No, no, no, no, no.) Brie:
“Seals are not fishes…are they?” Nikki: “They have fins!” They argue
over whether seals are fish or mammals. The show is two minutes in and
I’m sorry I’m watching this. (MATT: It feels like I’ve watched half the show.) Look, I’m not naive here. I know this is faked. I also know that the Bellas are kinda idiots sometimes…but, even still, why would the editors even leave any of that in the episode? (MATT: AND THEY ACTUALLY FUCKING GOOGLE IT. THEN THEY ARGUE ABOUT IT…GRRRRR…)

(MATT: This show. This fucking show.)

TITLES. 

I’m nowhere near drunk or even buzzed enough to put up with this.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ

Brie’s Car
Brie
and Bryan are discussing rehab, he says he is exhausted by it. On
camera she laments how long his recovery is and how she wants him to
feel better. He laments that he doesn’t heal fast like John Cena who
they agree is (MATT: On steroids.) a freak. (MATT: That, too.)

Dr. Lloyd Wright’s Office
Brie
watches Dr. Lloyd stick pins in Bryan. She says that acupuncture is
natural because “it makes the blood flow and blood cures everything in
the body.” (MATT: That doesn’t sound right. That doesn’t sound right at all. Let me just consult with Dean Ambrose real quick. Dean?)





TAMPA, FL


Eva Marie’s Car
Eva Marie is talking with her husband, Jon.
He mentions there was a home invasion 2-3 miles from the gym. She says
they need to move, and he says they need a gun. She says they do not
need one in their home. He tells her she should learn to fire a gun to
not be afraid of it. (MATT: Oh, I can’t wait for the debate in the comments below.)

WWE Gym
Nikki
and Cena are working out together because somehow he doesn’t have a gym
in his McMansion. He seems confused as to why Bryan is still injured.
Nikki explains his commitment to the natural way of doing things and
Cena thinks it’s silly as he, himself, recovered from neck surgery in
one month. Cena compares Bryan’s natural approach to hearing a knock in
the engine of a car and hitting the dashboard to fix it, as opposed to
seeing a mechanic to check it out.

ORLANDO, FL

Restaurant
Eva
Marie is having lunch with Cameron. Cameron has a huge bruise on her
arm which she explains as working out hard in NXT. Cameron’s mom, Tammy,
calls her. Cameron steps out to take the call and her mom tells her
that her 15-year-old brother, Quentin, left school, isn’t answering his
phone and she might need Cameron to come down to talk to him. Cameron
tells the camera family comes first and she must go back to L.A. to talk
to him. (MATT: Cameron’s teenage brother isn’t answering his phone and she has to fly all the way to the opposite side of the country to find out why?)

MATT: THIS. FUCKING. SHOW.



MONDAY NIGHT RAW – MIAMI, FL

Ringside
Nikki
comes out for a handicap match, it’s her vs. Eva Marie, Cameron and
Naomi. Brie is in the audience, sitting in the front row and says (in
her camera interview) that she’s doing a story with Stephanie McMahon,
which she says is a dream come true. In this now infamous bit, Stephanie
calls her a quitter, Brie calls her a bitch and Stephanie hauls off and
slaps Brie.

Backstage 
Nikki and Brie are amazed by the WWE tech team’s A/V equipment. (MATT: Seriously. They stare at it like a cat stares at the wall after getting high on catnip.)
Brie gets a text from Bryan. She says the doctor says that Bryan has
issues with “legamints in his neck”. Nikki tells her it’s not
“legament”s and that it’s “ligaments”. Brie says that doesn’t sound
right at all. And then they argue about it.

(MATT: And fuck this fucking show.)

Brie says Bryan will need another surgery. Nikki
tells the camera that Bryan needs to be working so she isn’t the only
one working. “Every night you are away, the more likely the audience
will forget you,” she explains. Brie says surgery is like putting a
Band-Aid on something and 20 years later, they’ll figure out what went
wrong. Nikki says that isn’t true and that she has shin surgery and her
shin feels better. Brie calls her “pointless.” (MATT: That’s not even close to what she is or what this conversation is.)

ORLANDO, FL


Orlando Gun Club
Eva Marie decides to be “a good little
wifey” and learn how to shoot a gun even though she’s nervous and
doesn’t want to be there. They give her a couple of assault rifles to
shoot at a paper target: a printout of a zombie. (MATT: All you need is a friggin’ hand gun. When did “home protection” become using unnecessarily large guns and shooting at targets that don’t exist in real life?) She does great, (MATT: The target was like 10 feet in front of her. Even Michael J. Fox, off his meds, could hit that target.)
so the instructor has her try an MP5 Automatic Assault Rifle. The
recoil is too much, however, and she shoots out a light instead of the
target. John, who has mistaken Eva for John McClane, tells the
instructor his wife is deciding between a handgun and a rifle for home
protection and says that the rifle is cool because it’s intimidating.
Eva says she is not bringing home a gun that day. Jesus, get a huge dog.
That’ll be less of a hassle.

PHOENIX, AZ


Phoenix Public Market
Bryan pulls out a chair for
Brie who is so oblivious, she doesn’t see it and Bryan has to point it
out. She repays his chivalry by making him toast her, “The greatest wife
in the world”. Men take note: we women like hearing we are the greatest
girlfriends/fiancees/wives in the world even when we know that is
statistically impossible. Unlikely, even. The waiter happens by, doesn’t
see Bryan’s face (only his long hair from the back of his head) and
calls them “ladies”. He gets a jolt in his nerves and has to drop his
fork. They have to go home as he’s in so much pain.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Cameron and Vincent’s Apartment
Cameron greets her dog, Glitty, first. Vincent is jealous. (MATT: This is not humanly possible.) He and Bryan could discuss how they both share this problem over lunch. She says they have to go see her family.

Aqua Hair Salon
Cameron
and Vincent go to visit her mom, Tammy, at the salon she owns and works
at. Her mom can’t leave her job (though Cameron’s job isn’t that
secure, either, it appears her mom may have few to no employees) so they
will go look for her missing brother.

PHOENIX, AZ


Brie and Bryan’s House
With his recent spasm, she wants him
to see a doctor. He argues he’s had a million CT and blood scans and
he’s still skeptical that it will help. She tells the camera it’s that
he doesn’t want to hear more bad news. (Note: I get his point, I really
do, but I know from personal experience that you can mix Eastern and
Western medicine and get amazing results. When I tore my rotator cuff so
badly that I almost had it permanently torn off and irreparably
injured, I was in pain day and night. While I don’t know what Bryan’s
injury feels like exactly, I get what intense pain feels like. If one of
his representatives asked me, I’d advise him to continue Eastern
treatment but add more Western medicine surgery and prescription
medicines. You will heal more quickly. I know I did.) (MATT: Or…you know, just go to a doctor and cut out “Eastern medicine”…)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Vincent’s Car
After
driving around for a bit, Vincent and Cameron find Quentin on a
sidewalk with some boys. She yells at him for not calling him Mom back
when he has his phone on it. She yells at him for giving her attitude.
She tells him she’s taking time from her job to come check on him, and
that his behavior will make their mom die of a heart attack. (MATT: She flew cross country to yell at you because of your Mom’s neglect, Quentin! Be grateful!)
As they’re talking one of his friends moves a garbage bag behind his
back. She takes it from him (they don’t show what it is, but it’s
implied to be something illegal) and says Quentin and all her friends
are “guilty by association”. (MATT: These Divas keep using big words and phrases…I don’t think they mean what they think they mean.)
She throws it onto the street and whatever is in the bag shatters. She
forces him to come home with them and Quentin tells her not to touch
him. She tells the camera she didn’t take off time from her job and
training for this. (MATT: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT?!)

TAMPA, FL


Jon’s Car
Jon brings up the new Glock handgun and gushes
about how much he wants one. She tells him she doesn’t want one even
though she insists she had fun at the range. Jon says that she hates
America and the Second Amendment. (MATT: Also, the terrorists win. Thanks, Eva.)

LOS ANGELES, CA


Tammy’s house
Cameron wants to have a talk/intervention
with her mom and her brother. Her mom says he should be happy that
Cameron found her and not someone else. They say had he not ignored his
phone this wouldn’t have happened. She mentions Terry, a family friend
who is in jail, and that he should be careful who he hangs out with
because “birds of a feather flock together” and all that. He walks out
of the room and conversation. Cameron says they need a plan before she
goes back to NXT. (MATT: Something tells me that, if NXT let her fly
across America to deal with her stupid brother, they’re not exactly
drooling to have her back.)

TAMPA, FL


Jon and Eva Marie’s House
It’s raining and he laments
how he moved to what should be “sunny Florida”. He asks her where she
got back from she says she doesn’t even know what city she was in. (MATT: Quentin gave her some fat doobage, methinks.) He
has a handgun on the coffee table and she freaks out. She insists she
doesn’t want one in her house. She doesn’t even want to talk to him
anymore and walks out.

Money in the Bank – TD Garden in BOSTON, MA

Backstage – Photo Area

Rosa
is talking to photographer Craig Ambrosio who looks at her outfit and
laughs uncomfortably. She has cut out a lot of material in her shirt,
showing way too much skin overall, with tons of cleavage.

(MATT: Oops.)

He tells her to cover up so that they can “keep it PG”. Then they start.

(MATT: Much better. Great job, Rosa.)

Dr. Chris Amann, M.D. – WWE Trainer’s Backstage Office
Chris
is looking at Bryan’s body and Brie tells the camera she is hopeful for
an answer that day. The doctor asks questions him and how he can barely
keep his hand in a position with his arm curled for more than very
brief moments. Brie laments he can’t cuddle her for too long as it hurts
him. The doctor gives a diagnosis, saying Bryan has Cubital Tunnel
Syndrome and says he will need surgery. The doctor says it’s a quick and
easy surgery, so it’s also a quick recovery, though the skin will take
longer to heal than the tissue inside.

Backstage Break Room
Eva
Marie is sitting with Nattie, Cameron, Jimmy Uso, and Titus O’Neil. Eva
Marie wants their advice on the whole gun ordeal. She tells the camera
she feels disrespected as part of a couple that he got it without her.
Nattie says having a gun in the house would make her uncomfortable and
everyone else shares this opinion.

Backstage/Ringside (camera switches back and forth)
The
Money in the Bank theme song comes on and the Bellas watch backstage.
Nikki remarks that they took Bryan’s name off the Championship Belt and
that’s sad. Daniel Bryan is being interviewed by Michael Cole in the
ring. He says he has to say he needs more surgery and doesn’t know when
he’ll be back. The crowd boos this turn in events. Brie tells Nikki
while she agrees the natural way of healing is best, she thinks he will
heal faster with surgery. In the ring, Bryan says he will return
stronger than ever and win and he leads the crowd in a YES chant.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Vincent’s Car
Cameron, Vincent and Quentin meet with
ex-gang members who work with kids who are getting into the gang life in
order to scare the shit out of Quentin:

(MATT: THEDEMONRANDYORTON…)

(MATT: …Heavy D…)

(MATT: …and former All-Star catcher, Benito Santiago.)

The first guy pictured is “Tattoo” (MATT: The most obvious and creatively-bankrupt gangster name in history.)
and he spins a story about how his Mom threw him a birthday party early
because he “wouldn’t live past 24”. He gets in Quentin’s face and yells
at him. He tells them there are consequences for being in the streets,
scaring him by saying that he’ll get shot or stabbed or killed somehow.
He shows him all his scars from knives (but the tattoos kinda hide them
so the impact is like getting hit by a feather). “Chico” (MATT: The third guy pictured — and another walking cliche.) tells him while he came from a privileged background he choose “the street” and it can lead to death. “Bazaar” (MATT: Middle guy — interesting name choice.) says they’d love to talk to their Moms — but they don’t have any. (MATT: So they don’t have Moms because they were in gangs? I’m confused.) Tattoo tells him how good he has it at home and that they shouldn’t disrespect his mom. (MATT: So, answer your phone when Mom calls, kids. If you don’t, failed, motherless gangsters will yell at you about dying.)

PHOENIX, AZ


Brie and Bryan’s House
She asks him to hang a picture for
her but he can’t as he’s been told not to lift anything over 5 pounds
over his head. She suggests surgery (after first somewhat making fun of
the fact that he can’t lift a 3 pound picture – on doctor’s orders) and
his response is to shush her because if you don’t talk about problems
out loud apparently they go away. Brie says that surgery needs to be an
option. Bryan says he won’t get it.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Restaurant
Cameron’s
family is having dinner. Quentin has seen the error of his ways, but is
very quiet. He agrees to answer the phone when his mom calls. In a
robotic voice he thanks his family for caring about him. I’ve heard
people order a pizza with more emotion. He thanks Cameron for taking
time out of her work schedule to help him and he wishes her good luck
with her job. The kid sister ask if they can talk about her summer camp
now. (MATT: Are these people even related?)

ORLANDO, FL


Colibri Mexican Cuisine (Restaurant)
Jon and Eva Marie are
having dinner. Jon says the food at the restaurant is really good. Eva
gets upset that he’s been here before she has. (MATT: Jon sneezes. Eva gets upset that he didn’t ask permission to sneeze.)
She says he is trying to be the man running the show and that is not
how their marriage is going to go. The overlying stat that 50% of all
marriages end in divorce has got to come into play here. You’d think
that, with all the turbulence these couples see in their relationships,
one of them is bound to start the divorce domino effect. While I’m
hoping for Naomi’s sake it’s the Uso marriage, this could be the Lucky
Winner. He says she is on the road so much they barely get to talk or
text. He says he has always been around guns, and his reason for having
one is to protect her. Eva accepts this in two seconds and they move on.
She says they could get a dog for protection and, ironically, he
doesn’t want one. She says she should get one anyhow, because that’s
what he did. (MATT: There is a frighteningly dark vibe
coursing through these relationships. These Divas would be better off
seeing “Tattoo”.)

SCOTTSDALE, AZ


Tuck Shop (Restaurant)
Brie and Bryan are having breakfast
with Brie’s mom, Kathy. She remarks he was the most clean cut wrestler
on the show and then Brie got hold of him and he grew his hair and beard
out. He tells them that the doctor wants to do surgery to clear up the
blockage, however, he wants to do the least invasive thing first. Mom
thinks that Bryan should do the surgery sooner so he can go back to
work. Bryan wishes they would both be more understanding why he doesn’t
want surgery as they aren’t 100% sure what is wrong with him yet. (MATT: Bryan, I love you, but you’re gonna have to face the fact that you’re being a goddamn moron.)

Weekly Wrapup

DANIELLE

This week’s punches go to: Jon (Eva Marie’s husband) and Brie
– Jon tried to convince his wife to get a gun. Eva compromised and went
to a gun range to see how a gun felt to her. She didn’t want one. He
wanted to get one. She shot out a light. He still wanted one. She came
home, so tired that she couldn’t remember what town she’d just been in
and comes home to find out that she’s a gun owner. It’s a good idea to
force ideas on people, unless it’s a religious belief system – eh, Jon?

Brie
once again thinks of her husband’s injury, recovery, heck his whole
existence on how it will benefit her. She has no empathy or even
sympathy for his pain and this episode seems more money hungry than even
Nikki and that’s saying a lot.

This week’s hug goes to: Cameron
– Taking time off of her job to find her brother and then arranging for
him to meet with former gang members was inspired (probably something
she was told to do by the producers and writers, mind you, but still
inspired). She obviously cares a lot for her family, truly is not that
out of touch with them despite being gone a lot for her job, and is the
kind of big sister every sibling should have.

MATT

This week’s annoying cast member is: Eva/Daniel Bryan (tie). I
mean, come on. Either we’re bullshitting everyone and he got his
surgery or Daniel Bryan is a giant, stupid idiot whose “green” beliefs
have erased the logical center of his brain. Not getting surgery for a
major injury is a dumb fucking idea. Forget the career impact. If you’re
not getting surgery for these issues, you risk long-term disability.
That’s pretty unfortunate. And Eva…holy shit. Railroaded constantly.
Submissive. Acquiescing constantly. All that build up to a final row
over a semi-important issue and it’s, “Here’s my side, Eva,” and “Oh,
ok. That’s cool.” Really?

This week’s hug goes to: John Cena. The
dude who’s on the show all of 90 seconds and he always sounds smarter
than the combined cast of the entire show. He should be the guy doing
these wrap-ups because he always seems to put everything in perspective.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 4 – “Divas Unchained”

When we last saw the Divas in “Roadside Rumble”, several of the girls had had more verbal fights then they did actual fights in the ring (MATT: And better ones, too.):

  • Brie and her husband, Daniel Bryan, have no real life work skills outside of wrestling. So they decide that running a hotel will fix this problem. Realizing that the $50,000 dollars she had in her savings wasn’t going to fund the endeavor, Brie asked Nikki if her boyfriend, John Cena, would be willing to lend her and Bryan the rest of the money. Nikki agreed to this (without asking Cena first) and hilarity ensued.
  • Eva Marie learned that you cannot play both sides of an argument. Though she wanted to have a Catholic wedding with Jon (MATT: Not Cena), her husband who she eloped with months before, she endlessly pushed her husband to convert out of love for her Dad. Eventually, she realized he would never do it and she was able to get her dad to agree to having a non-Catholic service.
  • Rosa paid for half of the rental car bill for the car to drive herself and Nattie from one show to another. She insisted that Summer Rae come along even though she knew Summer Rae and Nattie hate each other. Nattie attempted to vaguely blame physical health issues on Summer, which angered Summer who, in return, blamed Nattie and Tyson Kidd’s marital problems on Nattie’s attitude. This lead to a bit of a catfight with Rosa becoming a reluctant mediator. Rosa convinced both girls to get back in the car and for her to drive while they road in silence.

Does this episode, “Divas Unchained” bring us more verbal fighting? Matt and I will try to get along as we watch this and report!

FLORIDA

Backstage for WWE event
Paige is walking with Rosa and tells Rosa that it’s her birthday, Rosa hugs her.

PICTURED: The tragic climax from Of Mice and Men

Paige compliments Rosa’s boobs, saying that it’s like “being hugged by a big cushion”. Rosa shows off her dress and tells Paige she has “dominatrix-style boots” and then says that she wants to see Paige in her “stripper outfit”. (MATT: Jesus, even 4Chan trolls aren’t this forward.) Paige agrees if Rosa won’t “touch the goodies”. Rosa asks if she can give her a birthday kiss later. Paige says she feels Rosa is coming onto her and Rosa confirms on camera that she thinks Paige is attractive.

TITLES.

HOLLYWOOD, CA

Mari Vanna (Restaurant)
The Bella Twins are having lunch and Nikki orders champagne and wine. Brie is confused as to why she is ordering so much stuff and asks if they’re “celebrating something”. Nikki says she’s celebrating her sister and “this restaurant”. (MATT: She’s celebrating the existence of a restaurant? What?) Nikki wants a $250 dollar bottle of wine, saying that “they deserve it”. Brie tells Nikki to scrap that idea but Nikki won’t budge. Brie expresses her discontent to the camera, saying she’s peeved that Nikki is ordering expensive things when she and Bryan don’t have a job.

TAMPA, FL

Rosa’s Car
Nattie complains that Rosa’s outfit is like “wearing nothing”. (MATT: Every single Diva is hitting their character spots early on. Very good. Everyone can do a shot now.) Nattie tells Rosa that her birthday was yesterday but that nobody — including TJ — got her a cake, presents or anything else. Rosa tells the camera she owes Nattie everything as she was there for Rosa when she hit rock bottom with her addiction.

Pinarama Bowling
Trinity and Jimmy Uso are bowling with one of his friends. He calls Trinity a “chump” and says he’s the “champ”. She gets a strike and goes crazy rubbing it in, telling Jimmy that she doesn’t even know how to bowl. Suddenly, she says her stomach feels awful and she feels lightheaded and she needs to sit down. (MATT: With a huge “this is scripted bullshit” grin on her face.) She tells the cameras that she had her birth control implant taken out as it was causing her issues and now she can’t stop bleeding. Jimmy, being the supportive, understanding boyfriend that he is, says it’s been hell since she had it put in and compares her vaginal bleeding to “The Shining”. He says it’s been hell for her and that she should see a doctor. Trinity correctly calls it that he’s more interested in getting to have sex with her than her health. Jimmy agrees. Understanding and supportive.

SAN DIEDO, CA

Nikki’s Car
Nikki and Brie are driving with a GPS guiding them. They are on their way to one of her egg-freezing appointments. Nikki is concerned about the drought as she thinks it could impact wine grapes and she doesn’t want wine prices to rise. (MATT: Yeah, wouldn’t want those $250 dollar bottles of wine to double in price.) Brie is disgusted that Nikki’s first concern is wine prices and says Nikki’s priorities are out of whack. Nikki argues that the thought is genuine and that “it’s crazy when you think about it.” Brie: “No…not really,” then asks Nikki if she thinks that she can survive on wine the rest of her life. Nikki doesn’t answer the question and, instead, criticizes Brie for being cranky. Brie says that she isn’t cranky and that she’s just upset that Nikki knew she had to be somewhere far from where she lived and procrastinated to the point where they have to sit in rush hour traffic to get there. Nikki tries to argue more and Brie tells her to shut the fuck up and that Nikki is just pissing her off. Nikki, again, reminds her that she has no job and no money coming in. (MATT: That’ll make it better.)

ORLANDO, FL

NXT Takeover
Charlotte Flair (MATT: …who, essentially, looks like her father dressed in drag) is fighting Nattie for the NXT Womens Championship. Nattie recalls that this match is also in the name of family honor as Flair and Hart are famous wrestling families. Backstage, Summer, Eva and Rosa watch. Rosa mentions that TJ forgot Nattie’s birthday. Summer: “You can’t forget someone’s birthday when there’s Twitter.” (MATT: Jesus Christ, Summer…) Nattie, in true Charlie Brown fashion, loses the match. Rosa actually starts crying.

PHOENIX, AZ

B&B Appliances
Brie and Bryan are looking for a washer and dryer. Brie tells the camera that she spent weeks looking for just the right washer/dryer set and now she found one she loves — but Bryan wants to take a look at them before they buy it. Brie’s upset because she simply wanted to order online. Bryan suggests used sets, which disgusts Brie because she says that there are still germs from people’s old clothes. (MATT: And Bryan looks at her like…)


He wisely points out that she’s used public laundries and that clothes don’t assume the germs from other clothes. She yells at him for having to spend so much of her day driving him places and he points out that had she not slept in, it would not have been so much of her day. (MATT: For the record, Brie’s idea of “doing stuff on her own time” was “going to Yoga class”, which we all know doesn’t include membership fees and which you can’t do at home.) She insists they leave without buying anything. A Bella twin leaving a store without a purchase?! That’s a first. (MATT: Nice!)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie & TJ’s House
Nattie’s parents are in town along with “Doug”, listed as “a friend” (MATT:  and Nattie about her match with Charlotte Flair. She decides to throw herself a birthday party with sushi in hopes that “he’ll get the hint next year”. (MATT: That’s right. We’re passively-aggressively-VAGUELY punishing TJ for a severe marital misdeed.) TJ reveals he and her family got her a gift — an “anti-gravity” machine. “Russian Astronauts use it in space,” proclaims Doug in muted fashion. (MATT: Even Doug seems to know this was a bad idea.) Nattie gets on the platform and Doug turns it on. Nattie says the thing makes her want to pee and gets off of it. She’s insulted and walks out of the room. She wanted something romantic and girly, not something “she’ll use behind closed doors that makes me jiggle.” They argue in the garage to the point where she walks out to her car to get away and drives off somewhere.

Townplace Suites
Nattie’s alone but is psyched(MATT: That was a quick change of moods.) that Rosa wants to come and hang with her. Nattie brings ice cream and hummus. (MATT: What is this, Preggers-palooza?) Rosa invites her to her place to hang. Nattie says she just wants to go to bed. Rosa almost kisses her but leaves.

TAMPA, FL

Insignia Care for Women
Naomi is with…some guy I assume is her brother or something. They meet with her OB/GYN and Naomi finds out she has a polyp inside her uterus. The doc says that it needs to be taken out as they wouldn’t want it to develop further. Naomi tells the camera she’s worried about missing work.

SAN DIEGO, CA

John Cena’s (MATT: Penis Extension.) Ferrari (MATT: Same thing.)
Nikki looks listless as she tells Cena that Bryan called her, asking if she’s seen changes in Brie. She says she has and that she told Bryan that Brie is lashing out a lot more — especially to her. Cena wisely asks if she spoke to Brie and Nikki says she has not. Cena agrees an intervention might be a good idea. Cena asks what Nikki would tell her sister, to which Nikki replies, “Stop being a bitch.”

TAMPA, FL

The Pub (Restaurant)
Rosa invites some Divas to celebrate Nattie’s birthday. Cameron is there, too, and says she’s happy that she went back to NXT as it’s helping her career. Nattie greats Cameron, Naomi, Rosa, and Eva Marie. Rosa says her heart is so full, having Nattie be so happy. (MATT: This, after she hits on Naomi.) Rosa gives Nattie some lingerie and Nattie is taken by suprise, asking Rose how she knew Natti’es bra size. Rosa: “I see you naked all the time”. Rosa adds that it’s transparent so her nipples will show through. Naomi gives her bubble bath. (MATT: Because being 93 years old is hot.) Nattie says she’s very touched — and they even have a cake for her.

Naomi & Jimmy’s Hotel Room
Jimmy’s watching wrestling on his phone, (MATT: Only 9.9–wait. Does Jimmy get a company discount?) Naomi’s stomach aches and she asks for a rub. He does it but is upset it won’t lead to sex. She tells him that her body needs to heal. Jimmy says it won’t ever heal and he’s sick of waiting. (MATT: He’s SO romantic and caring.) Naomi tells the camera that she was told that the polyp might bleed out on its own and she’d prefer that to surgery. John wants her to fix it now so he can get some. They’re married now and he needs it, he says.

Boca (Restaurant)
Summer and Rosa are meeting Naomi for lunch. Summer says she matches Rosa as they are both wearing light blue dresses. The girls are concerned that Naomi has been bleeding for 2 months straight. Summer says that Naomi may have an iron deficiency. (MATT: Summer “Doctor Feelgood” Rae up in here.) Naomi is bummed she can’t please her husband. Rosa just can’t stop her lesbian urges and suggests doing a pole dancing class which she’s always wanted to take. (MATT: That’s what will make her feel better?)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Bryan tells Nikki she must lead the intervention as he has to deal with her after she leaves. (MATT: Well, that was an intense meeting.)

TAMPA, FL

Impulse Pole Dancing Studio
Summer, Rosa and Naomi are off to take pole dancing classes. Naomi is nervous and says she needs to get her confidence up. They meet with their instructor, “Allie” and, soon, the ladies are making some moves. Summer comments on Naomi’s ass on camera, saying that she “needs to make it rain”. Naomi is a total pro and is ready to show Jon what she learned. (MATT: High-power Stripper Pole Aerobics — just fine. Sex — off-limits. Got it.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Brie greets the dog warmly, Daniel somewhat, and Nikki, not at all. Nikki thinks Brie will not react well to this. Nikki starts the intervention and, predictably, Nikki was correct. Brie gets upset with Nikki — so Bryan steps in and starts telling Brie that he’s noticed Brie’s behavioral changes, too. Brie says she was irritated because they chose a washer and dryer that was perfect but Bryan changed his mind and wasted another hour somewhere else for no reason. Nikki says “the whole thing sounds silly”. Brie gets up, calls her a bitch and says she’ll “remember to fly all the way to Tampa” when Nikki’s acting the same way in the future. She goes to leave.

Bryan says they’re talking with Brie because they’re both concerned about her. Brie says she should be able to have bad times: she’s stressed with no money coming in and has no idea when she might go back on TV to work. Brie sarcastically says that she didn’t realize she was being such an awful human being and says she has no idea how to deal with her life. She’s frustrated they might never bring her back. (MATT: Wasn’t her quitting a work?! Am I nuts here?) Brie finally realizes that she’s been mean to Nikki and Bryan. (MATT: And apologizes to the dog. At least she didn’t take pole-dancing classes to please Josie.)

TAMPA, FL

Cheap (Night Club)
Rosa says everyone’s out for the night because tomorrow, everyone has a day off. Fandango asks if Rosa’s boobs are real. Rosa tells him they’re “real nice”. Fandango asks the hard questions and wonders where TJ’s at. (MATT: Fandango – FOX NEWS ANALYST!) Nattie won’t answer. Rosa tells the camera she wants Nattie to feel how hot she is — and tries to kiss her in front of everyone. Everyone’s kinda stunned. Nattie’s clearly pissed off that Rosa is that bold and gets up from the table to use the restroom. Nattie tells the camera she is not ok with that. Naomi tries to talk her down from her indignant mountain top, saying that Nattie is “overreacting”. (MATT: Even the women on this show are Mansplaining. Sheesh.) She says doesn’t want Rosa’s tongue down her throat just because she’s having issues with TJ. She ignores Rosa for the rest of the evening, saying she doesn’t know how to act toward her.

PHOENIX, AZ

Binks (Restaurant)
Bryan criticizes the shortness of Brie’s skirt. (MATT: And the skirt gets up and leaves. Wait…no. Sorry. Wine’s kicking in.) Brie argues that the skirt covers her ass. (MATT: What the fuck is with this show in terms of women’s sexuality?!) Mark Carrano calls Brie. Carrano says that she’s going to be back on TV this weekend. She’s thrilled to be coming back. Bryan rubs it in that he was right. Brie apologizes for “being a bitch”. They toast to all of this. (MATT: And then Bryan, who’s suddenly gay, acts like he doesn’t like how short Brie’s skirt is. This is so surreal to me.)

TAMPA, FL

Jimmy & Naomi’s Apartment
Naomi is making some sort of bracelet for Jimmy and she says she has a surprise for him. Jimmy’s grinning from ear to ear. (MATT: Curiously, his first reaction is, “Did I do something wrong?”) She gives him a stripper pole as a gift and offers to dance for him. He hates the present because Reality TV. “You’re just trying to put a Band-Aid on what really is going on,” he says. She tells Jimmy that she’s scared about the doctor and doesn’t want to be cut open. Jimmy asks her what happens if they say they have to take out an ovary. He says they won’t be able to have kids if that happens. He gets intense and Naomi tells him to back off. This pisses him off, so he throws the present across the room and leaves. (MATT: So…no dance then, or…?) She tells him to sit down and that she heard what he said. She said she is scared. He says she needs to get this taken care of. Naomi has changed her mind and she will make an appointment. Jimmy says the stripper pole is now “the best gift he’s ever gotten.” (MATT: Wha…? I…come on…)

PITTSBURGH, PA for FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN

Backstage
Nattie pulls Rosa aside to talk to Rosa about trying to kiss her. Rosa says she wanted to (MATT: …fuck Nattie.) make Nattie feel confident (MATT: So she could fuck her.) Rosa says that if girls hit on Nattie, then (MATT: Nattie will want to fuck Rosa.) Nattie will know that she’s “hot”. So, complimenting her couldn’t have worked? Nattie says she knows Rosa means well. Rosa goes Full Jared and says she knows that TJ “isn’t giving it to her at home”. Nattie says they’re not in the First Grade. They joke about the kiss. Then Rosa slaps Nattie’s ass as they walk backstage. Nattie tells her to stop it again. (MATT: But unwanted sexual advances are sooooo HOT, Nattie!)

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant in Tampa
Nattie meets TJ for dinner. She’s wearing one of his sweatshirts, which he likes. She says that she thinks he doesn’t pay enough romantic attention to her. He says she literally ran from her problems. She says she feels like nothing will change if she comes home and adds, “I think we do better when we’re not around each other.” She doesn’t know if she can or wants to do this anymore. He says that 12 years being together was no problem for them, but he’s shocked that one year of marriage was a problem. Nattie looks ready to say something — but Mark Carrano calls her and she tells TJ she has to go…and takes the call.

That’s the show.

DANIELLE

This week’s hug goes to…NAOMI: Despite her attitude of capitulation, she sweetly tried to do something for Jimmy, even though it hurt her.

This week’s punch goes to…TIE BETWEEN NIKKI & ROSA: Nikki’s on a streak. Even when she’s well-meaning, she comes off as arrogant and selfish. And Rosa is certifiable and doesn’t know which way is up.

MATT

This week’s hug goes to…NAOMI: Barring the fact that we’re supposed to buy that she’s in no shape for sex but has the physical strength to do a pole dance, issues like hers are something I always sympathize with. She seems genuinely sweet…except when she’s excusing Rosa’s behavior and cow-towing to her abusive husband.

Annoying Diva of the Week is…TIE BETWEEN NIKKI, ROSA, BRIE, & CAMERON: Let’s see here. Nikki and Brie are pretty much the same person with different selfish issues. Rosa is practically a lesbian date rapist and Cameron, in just the short minute she was shown, is still intensely whiny and annoying.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 3 – “Roadside Rumble”

In our last episode, “Mo’ Marriage, Mo’
Problems”, we saw what happened when some of our Divas were pushed to
their personal limits.

  • Told she would no longer be in The Funkadactyls as a tag team
    wrestler, and would instead be Naomi’s valet, Cameron decided to return
    to NXT to gather more skills and come back stronger. She made rational
    arguments, she cried, and even though it might mean losing Naomi as a
    friend and tag team partner forever, she’s going for it.
  • Nikki was forced to tell John Cena she was freezing her eggs (when
    he found her syringes). His first guess was that she was using illegal
    drugs, which says a lot about he sees her. She told him she would stop
    the procedure if he wanted her to, he passive aggressively said he
    didn’t but made jokes about her the procedure all week, and then after
    spending time with her cute nieces and nephews (to fully drive home the
    point with viewers), she decided to do the procedure even though she
    will have to give up wrestling, alcohol and sex for that time. Really, I
    don’t know which of the three will be harder for her to give up.
  • Brie and Daniel Bryan argued about their new house. Basically they
    bought a house they liked and wanted to turn it into one they loved by
    changing everything about it practically. They both wanted many things
    added, but different and expensive things. Brie pouted, and went table
    shopping without him, but when she was forced to confront the fact that
    due to his neck injury and surgery he would be out of wrestling for a
    while and might lose the Championship Title, she decided to compromise
    about things for and in the house (ironically advice given to her by
    Nikki who probably had to Google the word to give this advice).

This episode is billed as showing “why coworkers shouldn’t
carpool”. Considering Matt and I have both been in carpools together, at
one point in the same one with someone else — and our mutual
experiences have shown they can be out of control — we both can’t wait
to see what happens with the Divas carpooling together. Limits will be
reached for sure on this episode!

CHICAGO, IL

WWE Payback 2014 – Ringside
Stephanie’s
music plays and she comes out and invites Daniel Bryan to return. He
has the belts, but is wearing a neck brace over his Cesar
Chavez-inspired YES shirt. Brie joins him and tells the camera that the
best thing about the show is that they can incorporate some of their
real lives in, like his surgery. It’s the whole bit where Steph asks
Bryan to surrender the title or Brie gets canned. As if The Authority
couldn’t just strip him of them? (MATT: Yeah, I think we all said the same.)
Brie says she can’t be fired because she quits and then slaps
Stephanie. Initially, when I saw this episode, I thought that Brie would
announce she was preggers. Apparently, this didn’t happen.

Backstage 
Brie (who is there with Bryan) tells Nikki that, with her absence, she will have the time to nurse Daniel Bryan back to help. (MATT: There’s a lot of talk about the Bellas “nursing” their guys. We never see this happening. I feel profoundly ripped off.) Guess they spent so much on his solar panels, they can’t afford a real nurse. (MATT: Hi-yoooo!)
She admits, to the camera, that she quit on camera to as part of the
storyline to help him in real life. Nikki tells them that the rumors are
that she’s pregnant and that’s why she’s taking time off. Bryan says
he’s “trying to get it done”. Brie says they’re having fun “trying”.
Yes, because the best time to
start a family is when you have one breadwinner out with a disability on
a job that probably doesn’t even give disability benefits and the
other just quit their job. (MATT: If Brie was preggers, wouldn’t she tell Nikki before she had to ask?) 

Total Divas Titles.

PHOENIX, AZ

Noca (Restaurant)
“This place is cute,” Brie says as they (MATT: …plug…) enter
“Noca”. Brie, Bryan, Kathy (Brie’s mom), JJ and Lauren are getting
together to have dinner. Brie is wearing a white seedbead headband,
something, I guess she supposes makes her look like a bride. (MATT: But makes her look Yuppie-Hippy instead.)
Kathy gives Bryan a copy of the book, “Walk Away Wealthy”. He agrees
the plan is to leave the business wealthy. The cameras flash to two days
ago where they agreed they have no backup plan. In fact, Bryan says he
doesn’t have any skills. I disagree. He can rally the crowd like few
wrestlers can do. (MATT: Let me just put “Excels at rallying crowds” on my resume and see how far that gets me…)
When his career ends, he has the charisma to do something with
motivating people either in large groups or one on one. Kathy suggests
they come into JBN (Kathy’s recruiting firm) the next day and find what
they are passionate about. Brie asks if they have to dress up. Kathy
says they should dress to make an impression. Bryan jokes he should go
in tie dye but “people might hit me up for drugs.” (MATT: Ok,
forgiving the fact that they’ve been out of wrestling for all of two
minutes and they’re considering temp work that wouldn’t pay a credit
card bill, Nikki and Brie dress fancy to get a Slurpee at 7-11 and she’s
asking if she needs to dress fancy for a job interview?)

GREENSBOROUGH, WI

Friday Night Smackdown – Ringside
Adam
Rose and the Exotic Express make an appearance and come out to his
music. This is one wrestler and gimmick Matt and I don’t agree on. (MATT: This.) Matt
and I went to different colleges with vastly different party scenes (or
lack thereof). I think the gimmick is hysterical, something in some
ways not too far away from a frat party or two I attended. Matt thinks
the whole lot of them need to grow up and the bunny especially needs to
go. (MATT: I went to school in San Luis Obispo and saw my fair share
of parties. Save for costume parties, I don’t remember the students
dancing around like idiots, looking like a costume shop threw up on
them. This is WWE not having one clue about these things, imagining what
they think a party would look like. On top of that, the
character sucks. There’s nothing to latch on to and there’s no feud that
would work to get him higher than a comedy wrestler.)

Ringside/Backstage (Alternating)
Backstage,
Natalya, Eva Marie and Nikki arbitrarily stop in a small storage room
to watch the match on a randomly-placed HD screen. (MATT: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wandered backstage and walked into a storage room so that I can watch stuff.)

Layla is shown, briefly, outside the ring and the show helpfully identifies her as Fandango’s “New Valet”. Fandango loses (MATT: LOL) as Adam Rose and the whole Exotic Express group celebrates…except for the somebody in a chicken costume.

(MATT: “Bawk, bawk, bawk…happy nightmares, kids!”)

The chicken takes off her mask and, wouldn’t you know it: it’s Summer Rae. (MATT: The chicken suit was more attractive.) She declares (to the camera) that she’s back. In the ring, she starts pummeling Layla.

Natalya
doesn’t look at all happy and tells the camera that Summer is a drama
queen and they show us flashbacks from previous episodes where nobody
likes Summer. Natalya compares Summer’s presence to “having sand in your
bikini”. (MATT: Summer’s like bikini sand, Rosa’s like Hitler,
watching Rosa is like cleaning a toilet…Nattie should have been a beat
poet.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Brie
and Bryan get dressed for their interview and we’re asked to suspend
our disbelief as they go Full Retard and pretend to not know anything
about dressing up at all. Daniel Bryan pulls on socks that look like
they belong to Ronald McDonald’s gay cousin and Brie’s especially
nervous…

(MATT: Spoiler Alert – Brie’s probably not getting a job.)

JBN & Associates, LLC
Bryan and Brie meet their adviser, Vanessa. He admits that he was dressed by Brie. (MATT: Excellent start to this interview.) Vanessa
asks if they have resumes. They sit in stunned silence. She asks what
skills they have. Bryan says he has his resume “on his brain” and says
he’s WWE Champion. Brie says she hates routine while Bryan says he isn’t
a people person. Then he brags that he has 1.4 million Twitter
followers (MATT: Being the non-people person he is.) as well as
the YES chant. Vanessa sits there, looking constipated. She asks Bryan
if he seriously thinks he can feed a family with the YES chant. Brie
tells the camera that this isn’t going well and expresses disappointment
that they couldn’t just get a job and that they actually need to “dig
down deep”. (MATT: Repeating First Grade English might be a start.)

TAMPA, FL

Gym Workout
Nattie and (MATT: Hitler…) Rosa (MATT: Same thing.)
are working out. The girls compare asses. Rosa tells the camera she
feels more confident with Nattie taking her under her wing. Summer Rae
shows up and hugs Rosa. She’s been shooting “The Marine 4” with The Miz.
Apparently, it’s one of the largest WWE film franchises and a cash cow
for the company. Nattie is not pleased to see Summer and says that she’s
surprised Summer didn’t hook up with any of the hot actors. Nattie
already shows fangs and tells Summer that Layla is “killing it” as
Fandango’s valet because “she’s actually a dancer” and doesn’t need to
seduce somebody to get what she wants. Summer looks incredulous. Summer
builds herself up and says she had fun. Rosa says the girls will be
jealous of her because of the movie shoot. Nattie begs to differ and
says that the Bellas did The Flintstones and AJ got to put her voice in
the Scooby Doo animated film. Summer tries to rebut this but Nattie
simply interrupts and says, “We’re trying to work out.”

Nattie
excuses herself to lift her little 5 pound weights. Rosa and Nattie say
good-bye — but not before Rosa makes her feel her abs and boobs. (MATT: This is all well and good…but nobody’s said “vagina” yet, so this episode doesn’t feel “official”…)
After she’s gone, Rosa asks Nattie what that was about. Nattie says she
can’t stand Summer and she’s trying to get to Nattie by getting close
to Rosa. (MATT: Wait…Nattie doesn’t care about Rosa either…this makes WWE booking look well-nuanced.)
Rosa pretty much says that this is all in Nattie’s head. Nattie says
Rosa has no concept of what Summer is all about because Summer hasn’t
burned her yet.

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s house
Byran
is on Insider Monkey looking for the most profitable businesses to
start but isn’t sure he should trust a site called “Insider Monkey”. He
says they could be property owners and lease their buildings out to
dentists. Brie says that they can’t be dentists. Bryan has to explain
the light bulb above his head: “We wouldn’t be dentists…we’d have offices for the dentists.”

(MATT: Brie’s had enough of your shit, Bryan.)

Brie suggests having a bed and breakfast with a
“green” focus and tells the camera that they’ve always wanted to retire
in Flagstaff and do something like this. They’re all in until Bryan
finds out that a ten-acre lot costs about $3 million bucks. Bryan finds a
house for nearly a million. She wants a business with good energy and
sex. He suggest opening a B&B catering to swingers. Brie’s not
having that.

MEANWHILE, IN…

(MATT: Home of cable cars, MUNI, and the Golden Gate!)

Eva & John’s car
Eva Marie, Bollywood Star, and her husband, Not John Cena, drive in her car.

(MATT: “Chamma Chamma…Chamma Chamma…Chamma Chamma…Baaje Reee…”)

Eva asks if John likes her headpiece. Considering
Brie was wearing one at one point, WWE must be doing some advertising.
Either that or it’s Arbitrary Headpiece Day on the show. Eva wants a
stress-free day: no getting into the planning and no talk about the
religion aspect of things. John says he’ll just say they’re discussing
it. Eva’s a bit hesitant about that. John says that they’re not talking
about it “Ad naseum”. Eva: “OMG…stop using your big words.” (MATT: All review, I’ve been resisting using my Stupid Nikki pic…I’m barely able to hold back that urge…)

PHOENIX, AZ

Abineau Lodge 
Bryan
and Brie are checking out their next new potential career as B&B
owners. They meet with Sharon Conte, a realtor, and Wendy White, the
owner. They look at the different rooms and find out that each one is decorated just slightly different, with cute patchwork quilts and oak beds and paneling. (MATT: It falls somewhere between your parents’ 60’s cabin in Tahoe and a place where a serial killer would hide the bodies.) Their
dog, Josie, is there because they want to see if Josie is comfy with
the place. Brie’s stoked with the place. Bryan loves it, too, but he
says they’ll go into debt if they have to take out a loan to pay for it.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN…

(MATT: Home of Castro Street, Alcatraz and your two-time World Champion San Francisco Giants!)

Eva Marie’s Parent’s House
Eva Marie is
having a BBQ with her family and friends, which includes her
bridesmaids. Though pushed to join in, john refused to be in their
“Horseshoe Tournament” as he “doesn’t want to beat them on their own
turf”. (MATT: Ah, Horseshoes. Beer Pong’s macho hick predecessor.) Her
brothers ask about the conversion thing. Eva tries to get them to drop
the topic but they surround Jon like L.A. gang members and push it. Then
Jon takes it from her parents. Her Dad says he was raised Catholic and
raised his kids that way. He asks Eva that if it was up to her, would
they have Catholic wedding. Eva she says she would. Jon says she’s
throwing him under the bus. He excuses himself maturely and walks away
from the table and even the house.

When we come back from break, it’s Big Trouble in Little Concord.

Eva
follows Jon out to the street. He tells her to stay away from him for a
few minutes because he just needs to decompress. He says he’s being
thrown under the bus because she won’t stand up to her family. He tells
her that he understands the passion she has to not disappoint her family
but that he’s also family now and that he deserves the same passion —
only more so. She says she feels so much pressure to not disappoint,
especially as the only girl and with her Dad so sick. She wants the
wedding to be the happiest day of everyone’s life. He gets that…but he
says the request to have him be somebody he’s not is ridiculous. (MATT: Let’s stretch this angle out over four more episodes. It really shouldn’t be this hard to figure out.)

SAN DIEGO, CA

The Wood (Restaurant)
Nikki
and Brie are dressed like a Nautica ad and they’re having drinks.
Because of Brie’s out-of-the-blue invite and insistence on seeing her,
Nikki asks if Brie is pregnant — then realizes that Brie ordered a
drink, so that can’t be it.

(MATT: “I’s so smart!”)

Brie explains her “back-up plan”. Nikki mocks Brie
for failing the career assessment test to which Brie replies,
“Yeah…bitch…anyway…”. She proposes her B&B idea and explains
the benefits: sustainable, good clientele, etc. She says that the only
problem is financing this so that they can get started…so, what if she
could borrow from her and John. Nikki’s stunned. Brie continues to
explain that they can manage about $50K but is asking Nikki and John for
the rest: $100K. Nikki thinks Cena will let them have an interest-free
loan, then says that Brie and Bryan could pay back $2K a month. Brie’s
all good with this…despite the fact that it isn’t Nikki’s money. Nikki
explains that she doesn’t wanna let her sister down and that she
doesn’t know if it’s the Vodka that’s making the hotel proposal sound
good or if it’s because this is two people living their dream — but she
wants in.

CONCORD, CA
(MATT: Home of Pier 39! The Embarcadero! Ghiradelli Squ–!)
(DANIELLE: They get it already! Fuck!)

Eva Marie’s Parents’ House
Eva starts baby-talking to her Dad. (MATT: *Shudder*…)
She fights back tears, saying that she has to have her husband’s back.
She wants a Catholic wedding so as not to disappoint her Dad…but Jon
won’t convert. That’s that. Eva’s Dad says that it’s their life and
that’s their decision and he’ll support her even if it’s not a Catholic
wedding. Eva’s Dad (MATT: …suddenly channeling a wide-eyed, shouty Al Pacino for some reason…) declares that they’ll be happy if his kids are happy.

(MATT: “Hoo-ah!”)

They hug it out and you can’t tell where Eva went because her hair is the same color as her Dad’s shirt. (MATT: Which is either a weird metaphor for past incestual contact or a goofy coincidence.) Eva’s
happy and tells the camera that she’s so happy that her Dad is happy.
Eva Marie tells Jon that she is so in love with him. She says this whole
ordeal has made them stronger.

SAN DIEGO, CA

The Promiscuous Fork (Restaurant)
Nikki (MATT: Suddenly dubbed “Nicole” because this part is real important…)
and John are having lunch. Nikki drops the B&B thing on Cena,
saying they’re gonna do it. Cena’s not thrilled about their plans,
contending that it’s a risk. She tells the camera that she thinks John
will go for the loan idea as he has great business sense. She drops the
loan idea on Cena. Nikki proposes that they could pay him back in 6 1/2
years at 2K a year. John does not look happy at all and just says, “No.”
Nikki looks shocked and says, “This didn’t go as planned.” (MATT: Oh, that crazy Nikki!) Cena
asks Nikki if she’s serious, saying that he would be coughing up $100K
at a start-up business, owned by two people with no experience at
running a B&B or any sort of similar establishment. He says he can’t
do something like that. He lost money on every friend and family member
who borrowed money from him to start a business. He says he is
sympathetic to Brie and Bryan’s plight and that Nikki’s intentions are
good…but he can’t take a risk like that. Cena says he’ll even tell
Brie why he can’t do it and he’ll do it nicely. Their food arrives and
he says, “I like hamburgers…doesn’t mean that I wanna open up a burger
joint.” (MATT: Yeah, just because he likes wrestling doesn’t mean he can wrestle either.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Bryan’s house
Bryan
asks if Brie asked John for a loan. Brie denies doing so. Bryan says
Cena just called about it. Brie smirks, giving away the game. Bryan
tells Brie that this isn’t funny and that Brie shouldn’t have even asked
him for the money. He says they’re married and every decision they make
is one that is made together, with communication. Bryan says this makes
him look like crap and that he’s unable to support his family. Brie
says, “You’re acting like this is serious.” Bryan: “It IS!” Bryan’s
pissed and walks out of the room. Brie says he’s being “rude”. (MATT: The Bellas ain’t never getting out of the “Annoying Divas” realm, are they?)

MINNEAPOLIS, MN

Backstage at the Target Center – Monday Night RAW
Rosa invited Summer to ride with her and Natalya. (MATT: Because plot contrivance.) As both Rosa and Natty each paid half of the rental car, Rosa figured she’s entitled to invite others to ride. (MATT:
Flashback here shows Summer complaining to Rosa that when she drives,
the “drive is really long”. I couldn’t make this up if I were pounding
12 beers a minute.)
Summer offers to drive and Nattie denies that
request. Nattie says that if she knew Summer was coming, she would have
gotten a bigger car. (MATT: Not letting us down in the Hyperbole
department, Nattie says that inviting Summer to ride in the same car is
like “Allowing somebody to bring a deadly rattlesnake to ride along.”)

When
we come back from break, it’s night time in the car. Everyone’s quiet.
Suddenly, Natalya feels the need to start talking about their recent
live events and complains about having a cold. Nattie mentions that she
can’t smell things or taste food because of a nasal issue she has.
Summer tries to ask if it’s a condition she’s had for a while. Nattie
says it isn’t. Summer tells the camera that Nattie is blaming her nose
issues on her because of last season, when she slapped Nattie in the
face and hit her nose. Summer finally asks if it’s because of the slap.
Nattie says she heard rumors that Summer says she’s been faking the
issues with her nose. Summer denies this and Nattie talks over her. Rosa
tries to be the peacemaker to no avail. The two exchange insults.
Summer’s a stripper, Nattie’s a drama queen, etc. Finally, Summer fires
the first big missile and asks if Nattie treats TJ this way and, maybe,
that’s why they have issues. Nattie’s had it. She yanks the car to the
side of the road and pulls Summer’s bags out of the car. The two argue
even more. Nattie calls her “a piece of crap” with “no responsibility”.
Summer says that Nattie is crazy. Nattie returns fire, calling Summer
“fake”. Summer says, “ME?! Every hair on my head is REAL, honey. You’re
the one with the mullet.”

That’s all she wrote. Nattie
tests Summer’s hair cliam and pulls Summer out of the car, grabbing a
bunch of it. Summer screams and tells Nattie to get off of her. Rosa
gets between the women and tells Nattie to knock off the violent stuff.
Summer says Nattie is crazy…

(MATT: …and Rosa’s reaping the benefits…)

Natalya
takes her luggage out and starts walking. Summer says she will call the
police and starts to do so. Rosa begs Nattie to return to the car.
Summer continues to shoot her mouth off and Nattie attacks Summer again,
then tells Summer that her legs “have cellulite”. Rosa tells them both
that she got out of rehab and is trying to be stress-free and that this
isn’t helping. Rosa says that she will drive and nobody will talk and
that will be that. All the girls reluctantly agree.


INDIANAPOLIS, IN


Backstage at the Bankers Life Fieldhouse – Monday Night RAW
Nattie
needs to talk to Rosa. Nattie says that what happened in the car was
not necessary. Nattie says that nobody has Rosa’s back more than she
does. Rosa apologizes and says that she “didn’t know” that the two women
would be like that. (MATT: A whole season, Nattie’s stories about Summer, Summer’s whining about Nattie, the slap…nah, Rosa didn’t know of any danger.) Nattie
says that Summer’s words hurt. Rosa says it won’t happen again after
saying she didn’t like what she saw in Summer. The two hug it out. (MATT: And a new, sneaky alliance is born.)

PHILADELPHIA, PA


Wizard World ComicCon
The
Bellas do a photo shoot and say hello to a bunch of four year old girls
who look at the Bellas in awe. Nikki and Brie say hi to them as they
pass by. (MATT: Work hard, kids, and you could have a plastic body to make up for a horrifying lack of talent, too.) A
security guard escorts them and asks how Bryan is. Brie says his neck
is doing all right. Brie claims that Nikki is stressing Bryan out. Nikki
smirks and says, “Yeah – I don’t give out handouts.” Nikki says that
Brie needs a Marriage 101 instruction book. The twins argue at the booth
as they sign autographs. Nikki says that Brie has to share things with
Bryan and not keep things with him. Nikki says that Brie should get a
staging license and come work with her in real estate. Brie balks,
saying that Nikki would be her boss. Nikki tells her that Brie needs to
make money and that’s the key.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ

Brie and Bryan’s house
Bryan
comes home and Brie apologizes to him for going behind his back. He
says her heart was in the right place, but they need to talk about big
decisions. Bryan says that they need to make an agreement about money —
anything over $100 dollars needs to be agreed on. Brie’s not quite
happy, but agrees.

DANIELLE
 
THIS WEEK’S HUG GOES TO…BRIE:
Though it was crazy to think John would lend them money, she really is
looking out for their future. A bed and breakfast sounds like a fun idea
and, while it would be more work than she can imagine, her idea of
having one that was green and would support Daniel’s ideas was
beautiful.

THIS WEEK’S PUNCH GOES TO…SUMMER: She went crazy, egging Natalya on, basically was spoiling for the fight that could have been more intense.

MATT

THIS WEEK’S HUG GOES TO…ROSA: The
“hug” category really comes down to the lesser of the Honey Bunches of
Evil that roam this show like angry demons on Speed. Rosa seems happier
and more sane. Except, of course, for when she put two idiots in a car
together.

THIS WEEK’S ANNOYING DIVA IS…ALL THE OTHER DIVAS: What
else is new? Brie asks for a loan. Nikki practically promises her one,
then Cena denies the request. Brie acts like an ass to Danielson when he
finds out, then lashes out at Nikki who deflects blame (even though she
was part of it) and they continue to be the same materialistic morons
they play on TV. Meanwhile, Nattie’s fucking annoying, starts a
meaningless fight and Summer bites, and all hell breaks loose. This is
the kinda stuff we wait to see on reality TV. It’s also shit I actively
try to avoid because it’s such a pathetic attempt at getting ratings.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 2 – “Mo’ Marriage, Mo’ Problems”

Last week, Total Divas came back for a third season, with an episode
in which a lot of our girls stretched the hell out of the truth.

  • When John Cena asked Nikki if she would, hypothetically, be happy
    with a marriage and no children, Nikki lied to him, herself, her sister
    and the world and said she’d be OK with that. Then, after Brie convinced
    her to freeze her eggs, she hid the fact that she was having a blood
    test for that procedure from Cena while he was in the house. 
  • Rosa Mendes joined as a new cast member and hid the fact that she
    was back from rehab from the girls (though management knew). Natalya hid
    how much she didn’t want to babysit Rosa as she had to do with Eva
    Marie and JoJo when they were newbies. Still they formed a truce as
    frenemies. (MATT: And Rosa greeted Nattie nude at the door of her hotel room. There was that.)
  • Eva Marie and her husband, John, decided to have another wedding for
    their family and friends to attend. She lied to her dad (whose cancer
    returned), telling him that they would have a Catholic wedding and lied
    to John, claiming that he didn’t have to convert or have such a wedding
    to keep the peace with her family.
  • (MATT: Concord is three miles from San Francisco.)
Will this episode have mo’ lying? (MATT: “Mo’ lyin”…well played. I like that.) (DANIELLE: Thanks!)
Matt and I armed with Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale will brave this episode,
and write way too much about it, so you don’t have to watch. (MATT: This goes out to DanimalCrossing: our #1 fan. :D)

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki’s House
John
comes to Nikki with some of her syringes, continuing where we left off
from last week’s “cliffhanger”. She asks where he found it, as she had
some in her drawers and purse. Cena says Nikki “left them in plain
sight”. Then she then tells him that it’s hormones because she’s
freezing her eggs. He sighs with relief and said he thought it was
illegal drugs. (MATT: Yes, illegal drugs that come with prescription markings and safety wrap and vials with the hospital’s name on them.)
She explains that if she’s alone at 40 she’d want to have her 30 year
old eggs. He seems dismayed that she couldn’t just tell him that she was
doing this. Dramatic music plays and, leaving it unresolved, he just
tells her to put them where she needs to store them. Nikki’s just a
touch uncomfy with John’s mood change and shows us how attentive she is
in this regard:

(MATT: “I really like it better when he, like, says stuff.“)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s House
Brie
tells the camera they are packing up to the new house they just bought.
She tells the camera it’s the first house she’s ever owned. Daniel
comes out with a bunch of his kick pads and cannot believe how many he
owns. For this, she calls him a “kick pad whore”. Bryan says he doesn’t
have sex with the kick pads. (MATT: How does this banter make sense? How does it make any sense?) He
tells her she has to have sex with him for every set he gives her.
Bullying is wrong, kids, but implied prostitution? That’s A-OK! Brie
counts six and says that’s six chances to get pregnant. She reminds him
that she wants two kids “out of her vagina” by the time she’s 35. (MATT: As opposed to two kids being pushed from her nostrils?) They repeat the word vagina four times in the next ten seconds and we cut to the next scene. (MATT: A new record.)

INDIANAPOLIS, IN

CLO Cabaret – Cabaret at Theater Square
(MATT:
Fuck this editing. The place is in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, not
Indiana — just like San Francisco is different than CONCORD.)
Natty,
Eva and Nikki are going to dinner together, even though they all
basically hate each other. Nikki has picked this place because it has
“good reviews on Yelp”. (MATT: When it comes to Googling shit, Nikki and Brie are second to none.) Nikki
confesses she is in trouble with John as she didn’t tell him about the
egg-freezing thingee and she thought it would be easy to hide. Eva
confesses she’s trying to get her husband to convert to Catholicism. “We
need to have sleepovers,” Eva Marie tells her, “because we’ll be
sleeping together without our men.” (MATT: Saaaaaaay…)

MONDAY NIGHT RAW


Backstage
Nattie
and Rosa Mendes come in together as because Rosa can’t walk without a
chaperone. Why don’t they just suspend her if they don’t trust her? They
go to see Seamstress Sandra to make Rosa some new outfits. Rosa, the
anti-Cameron, tells her she has all the freedom she wants to design for
her.

Brie and Daniel walk into the backstage area.
Daniel removes his backpack and rubs his own shoulder, saying that it’s
been bothering him, setting up for what we all know is coming. Brie
tells the camera that Bryan wrestles “24-40 minutes every night for 250
days a year”. His body, much like a car, is on the verge of breaking
down due to all the abuse. Brie offers to trade massages with him, he
says the kind of massage he will give her won’t help her neck.

Meanwhile,
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations, takes The
Funkadactyls back to his office. “9 times out of 10, when you have news,
it ain’t good news,” Cameron tells him. She tells him he should have
Bad News Barrett deliver the news. I agree, especially if he wears a
cape. Capes are sexy. I keep trying to tell Matt he should wear get one
for home, but so far no cape. Maybe next paycheck. (MATT: Would you just…?! Let’s just…you just cover the show there, confessasaurus.)
Creative has decided Naomi will be a singles wrestler with Cameron as
her valet. Cameron tells the camera it’s like starting over as they were
valets for Brodus Clay for a year before they got to wrestle as The
Funkadactyls. She barely holds back tears. The girls talk it out
backstage. Naomi tries to make her see it could be a good thing. Cameron
goes to complain to Nattie and Eva Marie. Nattie says this will make
Cameron into Naomi’s “water girl”. Nattie points out that Cameron was
brought up from developmental fast and is amazed Cameron doesn’t see it
as she does. She even tells her that wrestling isn’t for everyone, which
is ironic, since Eva Marie is standing right next to her when she says this.

PHOENIX, AZ

Daniel Bryan’s car
Daniel,
Brie and Josie are off to get the keys to their new house. Brie says
that she is happy to be a homeowner and Daniel rubs it in as it should
be a “we” statement and not a “I”. Ok, so he’s a horndog and a grammar
police type. If Matt wrestled I’d swear he is related to Bryan. (MATT: Man…anybody get the license plate on that bus…?)

Bryan and Brie’s New House
When they walk in, they meet their contractor. Brie channels her inner-Nikki (MATT: She suddenly gets fake boobs and says “Vagina” over and over?)
and wants a bunch of changes to the bathroom. It turns out they have a
lot of requests: he wants a gym and solar panels, she want to remodel it
piece by piece in certain rooms. Couldn’t they have just paid for a
house to be made to their specifications? It might have been cheaper.
Brie tells the camera that she’s happy he wants to have a house that’s
“green” because Bryan’s concerned about saving the planet — but he
should let her do what she wants because “happy wife, happy life.” (MATT: So, essentially: “Eh…fuck the planet. I’m a selfish bitch.”)
Bryan says Nikki would do the same thing Brie is doing now: re-do the
house and that the changes she wants will take three months. And they
fight over a house they’ll never see because they’re on the road 85
percent of the time. He accuses her of wanting to re-do the entire house
and, in the tradition of PR agents everywhere, she ducks the question.
Brie puts her foot down and demands they do what she wants. Bryan says
they do everything she wants and that the whole wedding was the way she
wanted it. He reminds her that she said the house was “hers” when they
drove her and she walks out, disgusted.

Urban Furnishings Interior Design
Nikki
is with Brie to help her find a dining room table. Brie is making
Bryan’s argument for him by not bringing him in for this decision. (14
minutes in and I think I know who my punch is going to this week, it’s a
record.) (MATT: You’re stealing all the good jokes, dammit…)
Brie confesses to Nikki that Bryan thinks she’s overspending, but, so
what: Bryan is spending tons on solar panels…which, you know, end up saving you money in the long run.
Nikki, for some crazy reason, grew a brain this week and tells her they
have to compromise on spending, no matter what Brie thinks. Brie tells
the camera that Nikki doesn’t compromise, so why should she? Brie
stupidly shares that she was offended that Bryan said she was being like
Nikki TO Nikki. Brilliant. Nikki correctly calls this as a double diss
from them.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Anise Global Gastrobar
Cena and Nikki are out for dinner and she appears to be drinking something similar to a Pina Colada. (MATT: I guess her 10 Day Egg Freeze is up.) He asks her what it feels like to get the injections and what would have happened had he not caught her. (MATT: Uh…she would have done it regardless…?) He
realizes she took his advice that maybe he’s not the right man for her
by preparing in this way. He just realized he could, potentially, lose
her. (MATT: Nikki’s actual analysis: “John’s all, like…VULNERABLE now” and this whole thing “is, like…WOW.”) She
says that won’t happen. He says he doesn’t want her to leave. Nikki,
with possibly the best bluff ever outside of World Series of Poker says
she would stop the process if he wants, but he insists he doesn’t want
her to. (MATT: As Tania has repeatedly pointed out, she’s an AWFUL liar.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Random Studio
Cameron and Vincent go to a studio so she can cheer herself up about work by arbitrarily recording a song about WWE. (MATT: I can’t count how many times I blow off stress by going to a recording studio to tape songs about my job that hates me.)
She starts crying because she has so much passion for what she does.
She admits people usually stay in developmental for two years, her time
was only 3 months. She admits, on camera, that she was not ready.
Vincent says if she hadn’t been ready, they wouldn’t have brought her
up.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Better Buzzed
The Bellas are getting coffee at Better Buzzed, a little coffee place near the beach. (MATT:
Brie even makes sure to work in the establishment’s slogan: “Life’s
Better Buzzed!” All that’s missing is a cheesy freeze frame of her doing
a “thumbs up”.) 

(MATT: Pictured here – Nikki re-filling up her empty skull.)

Nikki confesses she’s working out hard again and Brie
balks, saying that she shouldn’t do that because of the whole frozen
egg thing. Nikki tells Brie she has decided to not freeze her eggs
anymore. Brie keeps urging her to keep doing the process as she doesn’t
know what the future is. “It’s another thing he’s taking away from you,”
Brie tells her. Brie says Cena is “taking something else from her”.
Brie asks her a “what-if”: “What if God was sitting in front of you and
asks you what you want? What would you tell him?”

(MATT: “Um…like…can you give Brie a new dining room table and a nice bathroom…?”)

Nikki doesn’t want to play this game and reminds her
that compromise is important in a relationship. Brie retorts that Nikki
is compromising everything. Brie says that John is controlling
everything and doing what he wants. (MATT: Brie actually asks what would happen if John wanted to freeze his eggs. Sigh…) The two argue until Nikki walks out (MATT: Coffee still fueling her noggin.).
Brie joins her, implying she thought Nikki would walk home. They
disagree on who the nice sister is. Brie apologizes and says she was
harsh.says that while they originally planned on having kids at the same
time, now her kids will babysit Nikki’s kids. Nikki says she needs a
drink, which solves everything. (MATT: #CENAWINSINREALLIFETOOLOL)

Datz Restaurant
Naomi stupidly teases Jimmy that the Usos aren’t the Tag Team Champions. (MATT: Holy shit! There are other Divas??? I thought this was TOTAL BELLAS!) Poke
that bear, Naomi! He tells Naomi that she should enjoy going solo
because it’s the only way she’ll ever get to the Divas Championship. She
tells him and the camera that she feels awful about her tag team
partnership breaking up. She doesn’t want to leave her friend behind. (MATT: She didn’t have a choice…am I nuts here…? But enough of all that! Back to the Bellas!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s Soon to Be Vacated House
Brie
is concerned when she comes home and sees that Bryan hasn’t packed
anything. He tells her he got back from his MRI and will need surgery.
It’s so serious that it could be a permanent injury and he needs surgery
that next week. He will be off the tour for the coming future and Brie
asks if they will take the Championship from him. He doesn’t have an
answer to that. They hug it out.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Bella Cousin’s Villa
The
twins are visiting the cousins with all the obligatory nieces and
nephews to make them both feel inadequate for not yet having a child.
Nikki reads to the kids (though Brie jokes that she can’t read) and gets
called a natural by her cousin Kevin.

(MATT: “Like, OMG, guize! That’s sooooo not troooo!”)

Nikki laments that she may have to be “the world’s
greatest aunt” forever. She’s 30, many women have their first child a
lot older than that.

GREENVILLE, SC – Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Nattie,
Brie and Eva Marie watch Daniel on stage. She admits that she has some
commitment with Nikki in New York while Bryan’s getting surgery in
Pittsburgh. They imply it’s work related but she doesn’t elaborate on it
much. Daniel makes his announcement about leaving and not knowing when
he will come back. He gets the audience to chant YES, then tells them
that he will be back. I don’t know why they didn’t have Brie by his side
in the ring for this.


NEW YORK, NY

Brie’s Hotel Room
Brie
is talking with Daniel on the phone. She feels like a bad wife because
she’s so far away from him during his hour in need. He does have his
sister with him but, of course, that isn’t the same thing. She tells the
camera she feels silly for arguing with him over material things.

Press Event
The twins pose for cameras and get asked silly questions. (MATT: Don’t make me break out the Nikki Thinking Meme.) Someone asks how Daniel is but no one answers.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s House
Brie
comes home to find Daniel in bed under a great wall print that says
“You have my whole heart for my whole life.” She kisses him and Josie
gets in the way. Our cat, Inky, is like this sometimes. Daniel says the
surgery was successful, but he doesn’t know when he can come back.
Daniel says WWE will probably take the title off of him while he’s gone
because they can’t have an inactive champ. Brie says the fans would be
upset if they take the titles away. Daniel says that she would be upset, joking that she’s only with him because he’s champion and says she would leave after that happens. (MATT: She doesn’t deny that shit. Not once…you can actually see it on her face…it’s creepy.) Finally, they agree that they can compromise on the interior decoration of their new place.

SAN DIEGO, CA

CrossFit PB Gym
Cena
and Nikki are working out with weights. Cena drops his on the ground
after because he’s rich and he can buy and sell the gym multiple times
over without even noticing the money is gone. Nikki jokes that she could
lift too much and burst an ovary. She decides to tell him that she’s
going to keep going with the egg freezing process. Even though he said
he wouldn’t tell her not to, he sighs heavily and asks if she is sure
wants to do it. Way to be a passive aggressive boyfriend, there, John.

COLUMBUS, OH – Monday Night RAW

(MATT: That’s three RAW events in one week. That’s gotta violate some fundamental law of time and space.)

Backstage
Naomi and Cameron are dressed alike and stretching. Cameron is not happy that her job is basically watch the match at ringside. (MATT: She does that better than she wrestles.)


Ringside
Naomi pins the Divas Champion, Paige who,
in my opinion, would have made a much more interesting addition to this
show than Rosa Mendes. (MATT: Ditto.)

Backstage
Chris Amann, MD, WWE Senior Physician, talks to Brie and Daniel. Amann tells them that there’s some bad news. (MATT: We should have had Bad News Barrett tell them tha–oh…Cameron already did that joke? She did? Ok…let’s move on.)
Brie is stunned she tells the camera that there could be bad news as
the surgery went well. Dr. Amann tells them that two nerves had to be
decompressed during the surgery, which will delay recovery time. He
won’t commit to a time frame except to say it will be on the lower end
of things.

HARTFORD, CT – XL Center


Backstage
Cameron (MATT: Whose hair gets more blonde in every scene…)
goes to Mark Carrano’s office to talk. She doesn’t want to be in the
shadows and needs to hone her skills, so she’d like to go back to NXT. (MATT: Emotional bargaining!) He
says if she does that, she may never move back and up and may no longer
be a Diva. Cameron cries in frustration. She keeps pushing and he
agrees to let her try. She tells the camera “sometimes you have to fail
to succeed.” (MATT: Ironically, she hasn’t been “failing” much, if her “success” is any indication…) They shake hands and she’ll get a shot to work her way back up.

Backstage
Cameron
tells Nikki, Naomi and Jimmy that she’s going back to NXT to train.
Naomi wants to talk to her alone and they go further backstage. Naomi
selfishly says that will split them up. (MATT: What?! They split at the beginning of the episode! They don’t wrestle together! What the holy hell?!)
The girls both say the other is being selfish. Naomi tells her to go
down to NXT if she has to, but that she won’t be waiting for Cameron
when she gets back. (MATT: But…if they’re split up, WHY would she wait for Cameron?!)

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nikki’s Beach House
John
is opening a bottle of wine in an effort to do something romantic.
Nikki’s in her dressing room, so Cena asks her if she’s “taking a dump”.
 

(MATT: “Oh my goooood…noooooo!”)

Someone needs to explain to him what romance is. She
shows him her calendar with the ten days she needs off, the day of the
procedure, etc. John offers to be her chauffeur and made for those days
complete with costumes. Nikki asks what the maid outfit looks like. He
says it’s like her nurse’s outfit (that she wore when nursing him back
to health) but with less in the crotch. He says she will be “super
bitchy” and in a “womanly mood” during this process, (MATT: MISOGYNY, SEXISM, DISRESPECT. #BELIKECENA)
then kindly asks if she needs a woman around during this time. She says
she might but it wouldn’t be Brie and she recaps the scene at the
OB/GYN last week, including musing that, as identical twins, their
vaginas would look identical. John wisely tells her to stop talking and
she does. (MATT: I’m sure he says that a lot.)

DANIELLE
This week’s punch goes to…Brie:
Not only did she make her husband feel like he was a tenant in his own
house instead of a co-owner, but she also gave Nikki terrible
relationship and life advice, while still at this point fighting with
her husband.

This week’s hug goes to…Cameron: She’s willing to risk it all for the chance of coming back better than ever and no one seems to support that.

MATT
This week’s annoying Diva is…Brie: Her and Nikki switched bodies, I guess. She’s devious as shit under that cute little exterior.

This week’s hug goes to…Daniel Bryan: He looked like he was in so much pain following the surgery and that entire story is amazing.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 1 – “Eggs Over Freezing”

In the first season of Total Divas, we met five veteran Divas: Nikki, Brie, Natalya, Cameron and Naomi and two Newbies, Eva Marie and JoJo. Season Two, JoJo was written out (in part for being a non-entity on this show and in WWE), and veteran Summer Rae was written in. (MATT: Early comment here – I’m not sure this is a fair trade.) This season, we don’t lose any from Season Two (I would have nominated Summer Rae had I been asked), but we do gain veteran Rosa Mendes. She had to take time off and has now returned. Of course she’ll get along great with the new Divas…oh, who I am kidding? This won’t be smooth sailing. Not one fucking bit.
I’m joined, this week, by both my boyfriend, Matt Perri and our good friend, Tania Pereira, to see what kind of snark we’ll have for you. Fair warning: we drank four bottles of wine between the three of us while watching this.

WE START WITH CLIPS FROM LAST SEASON:
WrestleMania XXX – New Orleans, LA
All the girls talk about how amazing Wrestlemania 30 was for them. Brie says not only were they all in a title match, (MATT: Yes, that was the worst match of the entire show, which the crowd shit on because they were still pissed about the end of The Undertaker’s streak, which their match followed. Soooo “amazing”.) but Daniel Bryan won the championship and they got married. Nikki, who has to make everything about herself, thought seeing John in that moment was romantic. They show the guests at the wedding chanting YES, edited in with the crowd from WrestleMania.
Titles.
TAMPA, FL
Eva Marie and John
Eva Marie says she’s always wanted a wedding and wanted her dad to walk her down the aisle.  Even though she snuck off and eloped already and her parents know. So, they have to have a “Save the Date” photo shoot — he wears no shirt and looks like a Bronie douche and she wears nothing but a black mesh lingerie set and heels (MATT: The editors are real cool about this and blur her nipples. How sweet.), making Fredericks of Hollywood look like a Disney film. “I want to look back on this and say we were hot,” she says. (TANIA: Me and Mike, right there!)
NASHVILLE, TN
Monday Night Raw
Natalya meets Rosa Mendes backstage. They share a big hug. Rosa, who’s apparently allowed to say anything she wants no matter how false, proclaims that she’s “34, but I look like I’m 24!” (TANIA: Check out the ego on YOU, chick.) (MATT: Your name is ROSA Mendes, not EVA Mendes.) Rosa has been around for eight years and says that if it weren’t for WWE, she’s not sure would be alive today. Rosa took a year-and-a-half break and now she’s back (MATT: …why?) Rosa shows up for a show in an outfit which shows side-boob. (TANIA: But…Nattie’s showing boob, too…) Natalya yells at her for having her breasts hanging out (TANIA: Nattie has cleavage!) and tells the camera that Rosa showing boob isn’t ok. (TANIA: Am I the ONLY one seeing Nattie’s enormous tits hanging out of her top here or…?)
Backstage – Naomi, Cameron and Eva Marie
Eva Marie wants to show photos of her Save the Date session to the Funkadactyls and asks them for advice on which photos to use. They’re incredulous and tell her that it looks like a porn shoot. Cameron points a nipple is showing (MATT: Stop bragging.) and then says that one photo looks like she’s “getting it from the back”. Naomi can’t imagine using ANY of them for a Save the Date: “I can’t imagine my brother seeing me like that. Tittus O’Neil shows up and looks, then pretends he doesn’t have a penis and says “Oh, hell no! Not for a Save the Date!” (TANIA: Yeah, I’d use them for myself, not a Save the Date.)
WWE Main Event
It’s a Divas Battle Royal and Rosa’s back, hoping to “regain their trust”. (MATT: Nice gloss over the stint in rehab which would have been more dramatic than snapping semi-nude photos for five minutes, but whatever.) Tamina wins the thing. Rosa’s impressed when Cameron uses her ass as a weapon.
PHOENIX, AZ
Chestnut Fine Foods
The Bella Twins are hanging out and eating. Nikki says that John (Cena, of course) is going to bed (MATT: At 2 PM?! What, is hey 85 years old?) and says that she needs to text him to say goodnight. Brie asks how their relationship is going and Nikki says that he acted weird and asked a strange question: “If I were to ask you to marry me, and we get married, would that be enough?” (TANIA: Oh, so romantic.) (MATT: Whoa! That was what I said before I asked MY ex to marry me!) Brie is bothered by this and says that doesn’t deserve a simple answer. She says she feels like she is required to protect her. Brie asks if Nikki is willing to sacrifice kids and “be the one to make decisions”. (TANIA: God forbid a woman makes “decisions”.)
In a weird moment, Brie arbitrarily declares that they go and freeze Nikki’s eggs. (MATT: Well…this episode had to be about something, so…) Even Nikki’s not buying this storyline one bit. Brie says she’ll go with Nikki. Nikki asks her if you walk in, “spread your legs and they take your eggs”. She asks about the technique. Brie squints and shakes her head and then says, “Actually, I have no idea how it works.” (MATT: Good looking out, Brie. Good looking out.)
So, they Google it. Just like in the great Treemen Debate.
Nikki says that the cost of removing and freezing the eggs is “ten grand”.
MATT (laughing): Oh, come ON! What, did she go to fucking Amazon and look that up?
TANIA: Amazon’s a powerful tool!
CINCINNATI, OH

WWE Friday Night Smackdown
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations, is backstage, talking to all the Divas. Mark says that he would, first, like to welcome back Rosa Mendes, prompting a couple “yays” and sporadic clapping from two of the girls.
It’s pretty much this. I’m not even kidding.
TANIA: Jesus, The Ebola Virus could get a bigger welcome than that.  
MATT: Yes! That’s why we included you — topical humor for our dedicated and loyal audience.
Brie says that Rosa’s absence was due to her reputation of “being out of control”. But she hopes Rosa can handle the road again. (MATT: She should help out by suggesting that Rosa freeze her eggs.) Mark says that he really wants to have Rosa take advantage of the opportunity and to hit it out of the park. She brags that her boobs are two sizes bigger and that she has a smaller waist size, so the girls all look jealous of her looks. Mark asks if anyone’s heard from Summer and if she’s “still filming that movie.” All the girls shoot knowing looks at one another. Mark makes Nattie stay to help Rosa and says to be a big sister and even share a room. Nattie ain’t happy and says that she’d rather scrub her toilet bowl, babysit Summer, and then says Rose is “Jeffrey Dahmer”. She says that there better be a Divas Title shot in her future.
Nattie pulls Rosa aside backstage and tells her of the arrangement. Rosa finally admits that she was in rehab during her absence. Rosa says that she is worth the arrangement and that she can prove that she’s okay again. Nattie agrees and tells her to do just that.
CONCORD, CA
We get establishing shots of skateboarders, the beach and the Golden Gate Bridge because we’re in Concord, California. Home to the famous Golden Gate Bridge and many beaches.
John and Eva are driving. Eva says she’s “fat”. John tells her that Maxim voted her one of the hottest women on the planet. Eva: “Whatever”. They are excited to go see her parents to tell them they’re having a wedding and about the photos. Eva says that everyone will be happy and asks, “What’s the worst that could happen?” (TANIA: *Shakes her head*)
PHOENIX, AZ
The Bellas and Daniel Bryan are having dinner with Brie’s family. Brie has baby fever and Brie says that Daniel will be an amazing dad. Brie’s brother and his wife nod in submissive approval. (MATT: Probably at gunpoint. That’s how half these episodes work.) Out of the fucking blue, Nikki announces she’s freezing her eggs with the same tone one might announce they just purchased a new car.  
TANIA: How can I add to the conversation and steal Brie’s joy and thunder? OH! I’m freezing my eggs! Isn’t that AWESOME?!
MATT: I’m freezing my eggs! How’s the soup?
TANIA: I’m freezing my eggs! Who wants dessert? I’m gonna have the cake…
MATT: I just murdered a guy in alley before we came to eat! How’s everyone feeling tonight? HA, ha, ha, ha!
Brie looks slightly miffed while Daniel Bryan sits there, like JoJo, not saying a single word about anything. Nikki isn’t gonna tell John Cena anything. In an even weirder moment, Daniel offers to “freeze his sperm”. (MATT: Nikki almost smiles — AND NEARLY CONSIDERS THIS. CHECK THE TAPE. THE EVIDENCE IS THERE.) They toast to Nikki freezing her eggs. Nikki thanks them for “toasting her pussy”. (MATT: Holy shit, what the fuck is this show now?!)
CONCORD, CA

Eva greets her parents, comprised of 50’s Hair-Do Mom and Lecherous Father who seems perpetually drunk. (MATT: Ew…god…he’s licking her neck…) (Tania imitates this and I shudder.) Her family guesses she is pregnant, which Eva is almost offended by. Eva shows them their photos. They aren’t impressed. The family toasts with booze because it’s time to get drunk.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Medical Clinic
The Bellas go to check out the egg-freezing process. The doctor mentions that it would involve checking her hormone levels to make sure her ovaries are protected. She says there is to be no alcohol, no jacuzzi, no smoking, and no intercourse until “harvesting” is over. (MATT: This is really creepy-sounding — and for the record, who’d want the Bellas to re-produce in any fashion?) Nikki hates the rules and says that drinking and sex are her life. Also, she’s warned, try not get punched in the vagina.
Back to CONCORD, CA!
Beautiful Concord!
MATT: They don’t even care, do they? They’ll just keep showing the fucking bridge even though it’s a good 30 miles away from Concord.
TANIA (pointing to the land mass on the right of the bridge): That’s Concord right over there. The bridge connects San Francisco to Concord. This is common knowledge.
MATT (pointing at three spots to the left): So, I guess that’s Pleasanton, Stockton and Hayward right there? I didn’t know that. And that whole populated segment is San Jose?
TANIA (giggling): That’s EXACTLY right. You need to get on board the geography, Matt.
It’s family dinner time at Eva Marie’s parents’ place. Her Dad says that he’s thrilled that he gets to walk Eva down the aisle. The family starts the usual game of 20 Questions regarding the wedding: location, number of guests, etc. Eva says this is gonna be a non-denominational wedding. John says he’s not Catholic and he wasn’t raised as such. The family looks at him like an alien and suggests he convert. John explains that he won’t change his religious views just for the sake of having a traditional wedding. (MATT: Woooo…this sounds very familiar…)
TAMPA, FL
John and Nikki’s House
Lo and behold: John Cena has an interior decorator. He answers the door and apologizes to her for “keeping her waiting”. (TANIA: “Keeping her waiting”?! He answered the door on the first doorbell!) Nikki says their house will be a “home”, like “Downton Abbey”. Nikki says that there’s a nurse coming to check her blood because she’s on “Day Three of her period”. (TANIA: She’s on the “third day of her period” and she’s wearing WHITE PANTS? Boy…she’s got balls…) She’s gonna do it at the house. While Cena’s there. And risk getting caught. (MATT: There’s like 82 cameras around this place. How the fuck can you “sneak around”?) When the nurse DOES show, she gets her blood drawn while Cena comes looking for her. He finds her as she’s shutting the goddamn front door after letting the nurse out of the house.
MATT: And he doesn’t so much as ask, “Who was that?” or “Who’s that pulling out of the driveway right now?” or “How did they get the gate code?” or…
TANIA: Stop questioning the iron-clad logic of the show.
CHICAGO, IL

Rosa & Natalya’s Hotel Room
Rosa’s nude when Nattie walks in. Completely nude. (MATT: Even blurred, there is no arousal factor here. None.)
CONCORD, CA

Eva’s Mom’s Car
Eva’s blowing off steam with her Mom, running errands. (MATT: Running errands with your mother must only work if you’re a girl.) Eva gets a call from her Dad who tells them, “If you don’t come quick, all my pies will be eaten!” (TANIA: How do we know he’s talking about actual pies and not using some sort of sexual euphemism?) Eva’s Mom casually mentions that he’s been getting Chemo shots. Eva is shocked.
Eva’s Parents’ House
Eva isn’t happy to learn about her Dad’s colon cancer. Her family makes her feel better by revealing that the cancer is “inoperable”.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Medical Clinic
Weird Skrillex Dub-step scores the Bellas into the clinic. Nikki says she is getting an ultrasound to see how fertile she is. The doctor says that she does “everything vaginal”. (TANIA: I do everything “vaginal”, too!) Brie is weirded out that she has to stare at Nikki’s vagina the entire time. The doctor tells Nikki that her ovaries look good (MATT: Whew…my heart was in my throat. She’s pushing 30 after all.) Nikki’s stoked about this and she’s gonna start on her ten-day med program, which will be really hard to do.
CONCORD, CA
Eva and John hang out at a park, just adjacent to the Golden Gate. She feels guilty because she’s caused her Dad a lot of stress. She asks if it’s so bad to go Catholic for her Dad. John: “Yes.” He says that beliefs are who he is. It’s not like a shirt you can just change. Eva says her parents have been there for her, good or bad. John says he understands that but he can’t compromise on something like that. They have an uneasy truce at this point and we move on.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Nikki and Brie are driving. Brie is grossed out by Nikki’s vagina. Nikki calls her weird. Brie says she only got a look for five seconds. (TANIA: You can see a lot in five seconds. A lot.) Brie asks if Nikki needs her to give her the vaginal shot. (MATT: …) (TANIA: Just…don’t.) The two talk about shaved vaginas and then finally ask how Nikki will hide things from John.
CONCORD, CA

Eva wants to be loyal to her fiance but doesn’t know how much time has with her Dad. Eva sobs as her Dad says he’s proud of her — all while holding his garden hose in a weird, suggestive manner. (TANIA: This is some surreal shit right here.)
TOLEDO, OH
WWE Smackdown
Rosa Mendes is complaining about feeling like shit for her first match in a year and a half. Backstage, Titus O’Neil tells her she looks exhausted. Rosa says she thinks all eyes are on her and that everyone thinks she’ll fail. Nattie ends up winning their match.
Backstage
Rosa freaks out and says she was horrible in the ring as Cameron and Eva look on. Nattie tries to console her. Nattie tells her that they’ll work over her character and everything will be fine.
SAN DIEGO, CA

John & Nikki’s House
Nikki is all chill but Cena finds her meds and asks what they are…and we end like that.
(MATT: WHAT A TWIST!)
THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS:
  • Daniel Bryan needs surgery
  • Brie “quits” WWE.
  • Rosa is suddenly a lesbian
  • Jimmy Uso is still abusive.
  • Nikki and Brie argue about panties covering their vaginas.
  • Nattie hates Tyson Kidd. Where’s Jarrod?!
DANIELLE
This week’s hug goes to: Natalya – She’s never given the chance to be her own person or wrestler, having to babysit yet again. While I’m not a huge fan of her, she has my sympathy.
This week’s punch goes to: Nikki – Can’t she ever be honest? And, Christ, do we actually believe that Cena knew NOTHING about any of the freezing egg shit?
TANIA
This week’s hug goes to: Nikki – For successfully concealing a nurse in Jonh’s house. She is awesome when is comes to lying ’til she can’t lie anymore. Also, bitch wore white pants during her period. That counts for SOMETHING.
This week’s punch goes to: Eva Marie – Could you make a simple wedding bigger than it has to be? And also to Brie for claiming that she only stared at Nikki’s vagina for “5 seconds”. Were you reminding yourself that you were being held back while in the womb?
MATT
This week’s hug goes to: Rosa Mendes. Hey, she recovered. She’s back. She was nude. That was cool. I didn’t have to see her nude. That was even better. But, she’s coming back and that’s admirable.
I don’t punch chicks. So…the Annoying Diva of the Week is…Nikki. Holy. Fucking. Shit. What would make Nikki annoying? Make her do all the shit she’s been banned from doing the past three seasons: constant vagina jokes on tap, completely random storylines that make no sense, and lying to John Cena who must think that he’s in another fucking dimension with this girl.
Er…that’s it.

The PG Era Rant: Raw’s SEASON PREMIERE, 9.8.14 (Or: At least it wasn’t ordinary)

The PG Era Rant for Raw, September 8,
2014.
The pre-show hosts are Byron, Booker,
and Riley.
Highlights of tonight’s show, labeled
as a Season Premiere:
  • Chris Jericho faces Bray Wyatt
    inside a steel cage, and this is the opener!
  • Jerry Springer talks to the
    Bellas.
  • A SummerSlam rematch: Randy Orton
    faces Roman Reigns!
Live from Baltimore, MD.
Your hosts are Michael, John, and
Jerry.

THE CAGE IS LOWERING! RUN FOR YOUR
LIVES!
We get a Season Premiere preview,
featuring Jerry Springer, Reigns/Orton, Paul Heyman’s warning, and
the cage match.
Opening WITH A MATCH, Steel Cage:
Chris Jericho v. Bray Wyatt.

It must be a special occasion when we go straight to wrestling.
Harper and Rowan will be at ringside. HASHTAG! Crowd is split.
Jericho fires out of the corner with punches and chops, but Wyatt
wins the opening salvo. Jericho pops up with a dropkick. He stomps
away and gets a guillotine catapult. Wyatt shoves off and races to
the door, but Jericho catches him. Wyatt with an uppercut to
control, but Jericho leapfrogs a charge and gets an enzuigiri for
one. Yes, it’s “pin/submit/escape” rules. Wyatt chokes Jericho
on the middle rope before hitting an avalanche in the opposite
corner. Crowd starts singing as Wyatt tosses Jericho, who uses the
momentum to climb but gets caught. Jericho kicks Wyatt away and gets
to the top, but Wyatt knocks him back down. Jericho fights him off
and stands on the top, jumping off with a single axhandle. Wyatt
leverages Jericho into the cage on a charge, following with an
avalanche into the cage as we go to break. “You see?”
Okay,
reality check: you can do the escape rules and say the winner beat up
the loser so badly he couldn’t be stopped. You can do pin or
submission and focus on keeping interference out. Doing both is just
weird.
#SteelCage, part two.
Wyatt nails the flying forearm for two as we come back, then begins
to climb out. Jericho pulls him back in, getting the Electric Chair.
Jericho up first, but a slugfest breaks out. Jericho wins, getting
a running forearm smash and one-hand bulldog. Lionsault, but no
cover. Walls of Jericho, but Bray blocks only to eat cage. Jericho
with the double jump dropkick to a sandwiched Wyatt. Jericho ready
to leave, but Wyatt meets him on the top rope. Wyatt with headbutts
to a trapped Jericho, and he hits a superplex. SPIDER WALK OF DOOM
to the door, but Jericho stops him and, while he has both legs, tries
the Walls of Jericho. Wyatt kicks Jericho off and lands the uranage
for two. Wyatt slugs Jericho and taunts the crowd before catapulting
Jericho into the corner… but Jericho uses the momentum to climb
again. Wyatt stops him, but Jericho slithers out and has Wyatt
trapped. Both men are on the ropes as Jericho pounds away with ten
punches and a Frankensteiner. Jericho climbs back up and gets over
the top, but Harper and Rowan surround the landing area. So Jericho
just dives off the top and lands on Wyatt (Jericho with a great “eh,
why not” look to the fans before diving). Jericho may have landed
awkwardly on his right knee. He pulls off the kneepad and hobbles to
the door as the crowd declares that last bit Awesome. Wyatt thinks
Jericho is too slow and charges, but Jericho low bridges Wyatt into
the cage. He’s halfway out the door when Wyatt grabs his foot.
Jericho goes for the eyes and tries again, but Bray gets the knee.
Both men are halfway out the door as Wyatt headbutts Jericho. Wyatt
with a mount and elbows, then a headbutt before working on the knee
and rolling out for the win at 16:59. Nice hot finish. ***1/4

Wyatt
slams the door on Jericho’s knee for good measure. “Is this your
hero?” Jericho eats stairs as Wyatt keeps punishing Jericho. Back
in the cage, with Harper forcing the door shut, and it’s the INVERTED
LOOK OF DOOM before Sister Abigail’s Kiss. Follow The Buzzards.
Kane
and Seth Rollins are talking about the cage match backstage when HHH
shows up. He congratulates Kane for the good start but says they
need to take it up a notch by doing something that no one will
forget. Randy Orton is there, and he says he’s in the main event and
can make this REALLY memorable. He promises to do to Reigns things
that will make Ambrose’s attack by Rollins look pedestrian. HHH
approves.
This
is going to help rebuild Bray Wyatt, with any luck. The problem is
that he needs to get more wins off of this. The fans are still with
him, so he’s survived the test of fire and come out stronger. Feel
free to push him now.
Dolph
Ziggler is wearing a suit in the ring as his match with Miz at Night
of Champions is hyped. Dolph says it’s been controversial in
Hollywood, thanks to the leak of sensitive photos. (Dolph’s against
it, by the way.) No one deserves that level of disrespect… well,
almost
no one. Miz? Yeah, disrespect that. Now, he didn’t hack and
doesn’t condone anyone who does, but he has photos of the Miz he
wants to share. Miz getting a facial with wearing briefs and a
shower cap. Miz doing manscaping, shaving his chest. And the last
one…
…will
not be seen, as Miz and his stunt double are out. He screams about
an invasion of privacy, saying the photos were for medical purposes.
(Somehow.) Miz will sue Dolph, Dolph’s “people”, and everyone
else in humanity if those photos get published. Crowd is so into
this they WHAT it. Miz pulls off the glasses – he looks scared –
and threatens Dolph’s career. Dolph says, well, if that’s the case,
I’ll get his money’s worth: Miz getting his buttocks spray-tanned by
Sandow. Dolph finds this funny. Sandow is shocked. Miz is furious.
Sandow races in for vengeance and is dropkicked as Miz bails.
Sandow eats Zig Zag for good measure, then catches Miz sneaking in
and begs him to come in. Miz backs off. See the photos again!
Vince
McMahon status: amused. Who cares about the fact that you’re
cheering on criminal acts? Vince is laughing.
Natalya and Rosa Mendes v. AJ Lee
and Paige.

Speaking of Team #2, when did “hot mess” become the in thing?
Paige insists on starting against Natalya, but gets the worst of it
before getting headscissors. Chain wrestling continues, ending with
Natalya sending Paige into the corner and getting a double suplex.
Rose gets one. Paige slaps Rosa and headbutts her before getting the
creepy mount and machine gun headbutts. Paige mocks asking for the
tag before slapping Rosa again. This goes on a while, with Paige
getting a slam but missing the legdrop (“OW!”). Natalya now asks
for a tag, but Rosa wants to win on her own and runs into a back
kick. Knees to the gut on the apron, but AJ tags herself in (by the
hair) and hooks the Black Widow for the tapout at 2:35. Meh. 1/2*
Paige is unhappy about the tag-in and yells at AJ, but AJ just takes
the belt and kisses it. Paige is disgusted and acts like it needs
disinfectant before kissing it herself. Paige demands AJ stay in the
ring, but she skips off instead.
Backstage,
the trainer is checking on Jericho’s knee when Randy Orton enters,
still upset about Jericho’s Highlight Reel comments last week. He
ambushes Jericho and hurts the knee even more. “Sorry, Chris.
What can I say? It’s the Season Premiere.”
I’d
like to get behind the AJ/Paige stuff, but it’s so kooky and
incoherent I can’t find a side to get behind, nor is either one
endearing themselves to me.
Moments
Ago. JBL reminds us HHH gave Orton free reign to do everything.
Ladies
and gentlemen, his name is Paul Heyman. He may be in Cena’s
backyard, but thanks to Brock, he fears nothing. Brock has
authorized Heyman to give out some confidential information – a
warning to John Cena. Heyman says he’ll deliver it as though Cena
were right in front of him…
…and
speak of the devil. Cena reassures Heyman that he’s just here to
give the visual of Heyman speaking TO Cena. “I’m right here.
Talk.” Heyman makes clear this is why Cena WAS the greatest
champion. He’ll be confronted by the truth and isn’t afraid – that
makes him special. But Brock anticipated Cena showing up, and he’s
authorized to drop the warning and just give insider info. That
info: how to beat Brock Lesnar.
Cena
says he already knows. There’s no strategy, it’s just three words.
Brock Lesnar shut down the Undertaker, but he couldn’t keep Cena
quiet for more than a week. Cena’s strategy is Never Give Up,
holding up the towel with that message and handing it to Heyman
(“though I doubt Brock Lesnar can read it”).
Heyman
laughs, seeing Cena being Cena. He tosses the towel aside and says
being John Cena is his biggest problem. John Cena lives to be the
character for the kid who shows up to cheer for John Cena. But Brock
Lesnar doesn’t hear it. He only hears the referee (to keep from
being DQ’d), Heyman (who strategizes), and the victim (who cries for
mercy). But Heyman’s here for a gift to Cena, and that is how to
beat Brock: Give in.
Give
in to temptation.
After
all this time, no matter what Cena does, the crowd still says he
sucks. Heyman says it a dozen times and says it gets to Cena. You
may have to respect Heyman saying it, but what about the fat ugly
fans who think they’re better than you? Don’t you just want to let
the anger flow through you and snap back at the fans? When that
happens, everything falls into place. Heyman even offers to show him
how.
Heyman
is going full Emperor Palpatine on Cena Skywalker, even imitating a
battle rap on the fans (adding cheap heat). Heyman even gets on his
knees and BEGS Cena to do it. It’s not about selling his soul to the
devil or to Heyman, either – he just wants Cena to lose the
billboard act, and when he gives in to the hatred, he just might be
the one who beats The One – or maybe he’ll just be another One.
Heyman
says Brock’s okay with saying this because Heyman believes in Cena –
but Brock doesn’t. Brock says Cena doesn’t have it… and Cena
almost walks to the apron. He straddles the ropes, debating what to
do next. But he returns to the ring as the dueling chants begin. A
long pause. Heyman is begging Cena to act. Then…
Cena
tells HEYMAN to shut up, scaring the bejabbers out of him.
Cena
sees through Heyman and Brock. They both want Cena dead – but
Heyman wants to end Cena’s legacy by having him disrespect the
believers. “I don’t think so.” Heyman may find it easy, but for
what? To attack the fans so they can laugh at how evil Cena was…
then treat him poorly anyway? No. Heyman lives in a small cycle,
shark-infested world, where everyone can get ahead through
backstabbing. Heyman may be smart, but he doesn’t get Cena. In
Cena’s world, it’s about being John Cena, repeat over and over as the
crowd pops. And why? Because that’s legitimately who he is, and he
doesn’t even want to change.
People
don’t see the forest for the trees: he loves being the guy who
motivates the kid to get his homework done to see him. And he
doesn’t mind when people say they don’t like him, but they respect
him. And he even loves being the guy who is the Wish for sick
children. He’s proud of being the guy who is fortunate enough to
meet heroes on the front lines. It’s because of what he does that he
meets his heroes – and hears that he’s the inspiration for the
wounded warriors. And he’s handed the Purple Heart by this man who
believes in Cena. THAT is why he is John Cena.
And
now, Heyman shows up and asks him to throw it away. Just to win a
match? Here, I’ll ask you, Heyman: what do you win if you lose
everything? Time’s up for talking, though: it’s time to fight. This
is the part Heyman is supposed to love! Cena’s angry! Isn’t that
what Heyman wants? (Heyman is begging for mercy.) But the headlines
say Cena would beat up a defenseless man… and Cena don’t want that.
He says he’ll be there next week, and he demands Lesnar’s presence.
There will be a fight next week if he’s there. But if he doesn’t and
would rather not do Mondays and sends Heyman to do his business –
the fight will be part of his business. Mic drop, we out.
Honestly?
We’ve heard this from Cena year after year, but it doesn’t take away
how electric this was. This honestly makes me WANT to see the show
next week. Bravo, WWE.
Sheamus vs. Seth Rollins.
Sheamus knocks the briefcase away pre-match. Sheamus goes to town
in the corner to start, causing Rollins to bail. Rollins stalls on
the outside, but comes back in with cheapshots only to get front
suplexed. Sheamus with a kick to the head, then a suplex for not
even one. Sheamus with an elbow and shots to the gut, but a kick to
the knee by Rollins turns the tide. Rollins kicks a double-over
Sheamus but gets caught in the Finlay Roll and sent packing. And
here’s Cesaro’s music, followed by Cesaro himself to watch the match
as we go to break.
Well,
at least it wasn’t the finish. But still, why play people’s music?
It kind of ruins suspension of disbelief.
Sheamus/Rollins, part two.
Rollins has taken over with the obligatory chinlock as Cesaro has
migrated to ringside, claiming he’s just scouting. Blind charge eats
boots, and Sheamus pulls himself up for the Battering Ram. Rollins
sidesteps Sheamus and sends him into the post, following with a
Stinger Splash for two. Back to the chinlock. He switches to a
sleeper, but Sheamus crushes him on the mat. Sheamus goes to the
Irish Hammers for the comeback, adding the kneelift. Running knee in
the corner sets up the Irish Curse for two. White Noise is set up,
but Sheamus sees Cesaro holding the belt and sets Rollins down to
argue. Rollins gets a cradle for two, but gets Oklahoma Slammed.
Now Cesaro has the belt while on the stairs, so Sheamus goes to yank
it back, resulting in a tug-of-war that sends Cesaro flying. Rollins
takes advantage with an enzuigiri, and the Curbstomp ends it at 9:53.
Way too much outside antics. *3/4
Okay,
so now Cesaro enters the ring (after removing his jacket), entering
so deliberately that Sheamus should have time to recover. He stands
over Cena, mocks his taunt, and delivers the Neutralizer.
And
since I have nothing to add to this segment: dear WWE, stop trying to
make Cena seem flawless. Let him embrace his flaws. He’s more fun
that way. Signed, the Attitude Era fans who cheered every time
Austin beat up a woman.
Mark
Henry will face Rusev in an undercard bout at Night of Champions.
Here’s a recap.
Lana
has the mic. She talks about how the Star-Spangled Banner was
written in Baltimore. (Shut up!) She now sings – and not badly,
despite faking a Russian accent – a rewrite of the anthem. (That
line. Don’t cross it, Vince.) And now, she gives the REAL national
anthem – the Russian one. (Cut to the announcers, all of whom are
disgusted.) And that’s it.
NXT
Takeover on the Network! And up next – a preview on Raw, as the
participants will have a tag match!
Well…
did not see THAT coming.
Adrian Neville and Sami Zayn v.
Tyler Breeze and Tyson Kidd.

No entrances. Breeze and Zayn start. They trade armlocks, with
Zayn pushing off of Breeze and getting some armdrags and an armbar.
HASHTAG! Kidd tags himself in, and he and Breeze double-team. Kidd
sends Zayn into the corner and pounds away, choking him against the
bottom rope. Kick to the back off of a snapmare gets one. Crowd
gives the OLE chant as the announcers plug the NXT Takeover II card.
Breeze in with forearms and a Rude Awakening for two. Kidd in, and
Zayn gets kicked in the chest for two. To the chinlock, but Zayn
breaks with a jawbreaker. Breeze cuts off the hot tag… for about
five seconds before Neville gets in. He kicks Breeze faster than you
thought humanly possible, and a standing moonsault gets two, Kidd
saves. Kidd is leveraged out by Zayn, who follows with a somersault
pescado. Back in, Neville avoids a charge and cartwheels away. He
kicks Breeze down, and the Red Arrow ends it at 4:24. They did what
they could in five minutes, and the announcers put them over like
gangbusters. *3/4
Zayn reminds Neville he’s coming for the belt.
Well,
given what I saw, I’d say Breeze needs more seasoning. Neville is
ready, Kidd is obviously ready, and I couldn’t really tell with Zayn
because he was the Ricky Morton. But I do hope to see them on
Thursday night.
Stephanie
McMahon is out for reasons that will make sense eventually. HASHTAG!
Did you hear it was the Season Premiere tonight? She calls back to
No Mercy 2003 and being beaten up by her father, but they’ve
reconciled because family is important. So let’s bring the sisters
back together, and there’s only one man who could do that… Jerry
Springer. Who is WELL KNOWN for his ability to reconcile. He
arrives with his personal security guard for no reason. The
announcers are ready for all hell to break loose.
Springer’s
happy to be on Raw, he’s an expert, etc. Brie is out first with new
BRIE MODE music as we look back at last week. Springer notes the
abuse from Nikki before snapping. And the next day she apologizes?
Why apologize? Brie doesn’t forgive Nikki, but she shouldn’t stoop
low. Springer asks if she thinks she’s better than Nikki, and Brie
says, hey, SHE said I should die in the womb, right? And now here’s
Nikki brought out.
Nikki
actually offers a handshake, accepted. Whew. Nikki even says she
accepted Brie’s apology… but she doesn’t forgive her for everything
in the past. But she’s ready to move on because she’s intelligent
and classy. She’s got a lot going her way, such as HER show Total
Divas and HER title shot. So she’s happy, which is why she won’t let
Brie bring her down. Seriously, how can you not feel sorry for Brie?
Jerry
would be mad, and Brie tries to bring up SummerSlam, but that leads
to footage of Total Divas of the two girls arguing whie Brie goes
into Bridezilla mode. (There we go! Actual footage to justify
Nikki!) Nikki even piles on, saying she’s been through quite a bit.
She says Brie’s the reason their father left. (DAMN!) Why stick
around an attention-seeking, holier-than-thou witch. But wait!
Jerry has found their dad (who sent in a tape asking Jerry to fix it)
and mom (who doesn’t understand why they’re fighting and wants them
to reconcile – she even apologizes to Nicole for neglecting her,
but not before calling Brie the “responsible one and the mature
one”).
Jerry
says it sounds like she’s asking Brie to swallow her pride – but
Brie says Nikki crossed a ton of lines. But hey, that’s okay,
because they have JJ in Brie’s corner – JJ being the younger
brother. And here’s “JJ Bella” to prove it. (JBL: “JJ gets
entrance music?”) JJ is asked who’s wrong, and… tells Brie to
stop acting like the victim… no, wait, he says it to Nikki. But
she says she IS the victim…
…and
here’s the shouting match and catfight with poor Jerry caught in the
middle. JJ tries to pull Brie away, so Nikki slaps JJ and Brie
spears Nikki. And now Stephanie acts surpsrised this is happening
and tries to stop it only to get caught in the trouble. She pulls
Brie off, so Nikki tackles Brie and here we go again. (Where’s
Springer’s security anyway?) Referees try to break it up as
Stephanie gets knocked down again. Nikki escapes as Stephanie blames
Brie and the crowd chants for Springer, who appears to have gotten
the worst of it. Announcers finally figure out that maybe Jerry
Springer isn’t the right guy for reconciliations. Springer goes out
on a stretcher as Stephanie apologizes. Really.
I
was certain the Extreme Rules cage match would win 2014’s Gooker
Award, but I think this seals it. This segment proves this feud is
just… they’re shooting for So Bad It’s Good and missing. And
that’s a disaster when that happens.
We
look back at the Goldust/Uso match from last week.
Goldust and Stardust v. Los
Matadores.

The Usos do an inset promo to hype the Night of Champions match and
promise payback. Cole accidentally calls Stardust “Cody Rhodes”.
Stardust and Primo start, with Primo sending Stardust into the
corner and and getting a clothesline. Epico in, and a Russian
legsweep and senton combo gets one. Goldust tags himself in, and he
gets right hands. Epico cuts off a charge and gets a rana, as does
Primo on Stardust allowing the heels to bail. The Matadores with
stereo tope suicidas, and back in, Stardust trips Primo and Goldust
gets a Northern Lariat on Epico. Godust tosses Epico into the
corner, and the Dark Matter gets the pin at 2:11. 1/4*
The Usos attack from behind as Goldust and Stardust celebrate on the
ramp. Jey even uses his crutch to attack.
Legends
tweet their respect to Joan Rivers, followed by a tribute to her
narrated by Jerry Lawler.
I
hate to say it, because I enjoyed Wyatt/Jericho and all, but one
segment can drag a show down hard. Orton and Reigns need to save
this show. I’m not even sure how good it is right now.
We
now recap Heath Slater getting beaten up by a rabbit.
Titus O’Neil v. Adam Rose.
Question: is it a requirement if you’re a part of Rose’s entourage
that you get dressed in the dark? Titus charges and beats down Rose
in the corner, then tosses him across the ring with one hand. The
bunny encourages Rose at ringside as Rose fights back with a kick and
slam attempt, but Titus catches and throws him. He barks, then tells
the bunny to stand back. Bunny tells him to bring it, but ducks in
time to avoid Slater. Bunny with a superkick on Slater – you read
that right – and the Party Foul ends it at 1:21. Cole calls it the
Rabbit’s Foot. Then, at Rose’s insistence, the bunny does a Superfly
splash to Titus. I’d be mad, but I’m too busy laughing.
Cole:
“I want the first exclusive interview with the rabbit.”
JBL:
“You talk bunny?”
Renee
Young talks to Roman Reigns, asking about Orton’s threats. Reigns
doesn’t care, but he knows Orton’s a viper. Reigns, though, has an
antidote – the superfist. Believe that.
Okay,
they HAVE to be building to unmasking the rabbit as somebody. I have
no idea who, but they could do worse than Ryder.
We
look back at Cena’s threat to Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. This
leads to a video package for Brock Lesnar from last week. THIS JUST
IN: Brock Lesnar will be here next week. The war will happen.
It’s
the little things that keep me slogging through three hours of a
two-hour show. The thought of seeing Lesnar and Cena throw down hard
next week gets me excited.
On
SmackDown, Mark Henry and Rusev will do an arm wrestling match.
Meanwhile, Jerry Springer… will recover.
Randy Orton v. Roman Reigns.
HASHTAG! Boxing intros! Orton charges at the bell into a slugfest,
which Reigns wins. Orton gets clotheslined out and stalls on the
outside, so Reigns follows. Orton sends Reigns into the steps, and
back in, it gets two. Suplex try is reversed by Reigns, getting one.
Orton suckers Reigns into the corner, but a Hammer Throw sees Reigns
just bounce out with a lariat. Orton bails again as we go to break.
I
hope they’re not setting Orton/Jericho for Night of Champions up. It
doesn’t help either one, even if it will be a decent match.
Orton/Reigns, part two.
Orton has been throwing Reigns into the steps left and right, and
he’s slamming Reigns’s head into the steps as we return. Back in, it
gets two. We go to the chinlock as Seth Rollins and Corporate Kane
watch. Reigns fights to his feet, getting a headbutt, but Orton
ducks a clothesline and sends Reigns to the outside. Reigns pulls
Orton out, but Orton sends Reigns into the apron and gets a lariat
before riling up the crowd. Back in, it gets two. Orton sends
Reigns into the corner and nails straight rights, but Roman sends
Orton into the corner. Blind charge misses, but Reigns just
clotheslines Orton on the rebound and Orton stalls again. Reigns
follows, sending Orton into the apron and barricade back-first.
Orton catches Reigns coming back in and they slug it out, but Orton
hangs Reigns on the ropes and sends him into the buckle. He climbs
up, picking Reigns up, and gets a full superplex for two as we go
back to break.
It’s
the little things Orton does right. He’s good at knowing when to
work the crowd, when to pace himself, and when to cheat. He’s not
exciting all the time, and certainly not as a heel, but I can
appreciate what he does.
Orton/Reigns, part three.
Orton has the chinlock sunk in as Reigns fights to his feet. Reigns
punches out, but puts his head down and it’s a hairpull slam for two.
Orton pounds on Reigns’ head and puts the chinlock back on. Orton
taunts the crowd while holding on. Reigns lifts Orton’s arm off his
head to break, and a slugfest breaks out. Reigns with a back suplex
uranage for the Double KO. Reigns into the comeback with
clotheslines and a Samoan Drop for two. Reigns with a corner
clothesline, but he runs into Orton’s powerslam for two. Reigns
rolls to the apron, but that allows Orton to set up the Draping DDT.
Reigns escapes and uppercuts Orton, who falls on the ropes for the
Drive-By Dropkick. Leaping clothesline by Reigns gets two. Reigns
boxes Orton down in the corner, but Orton leaps over a charging
Reigns and gets a cradle for two. Back-to-back backbreaker gets two.
Orton goes into That Place as he sees Reigns slumped over in the
corner, but a blind charge eats boot and Reigns comes off the second
rope… into a powerslam for two. Orton laughs at Reigns before
kicking him to the apron and setting up the Draping DDT, connecting.
No cover as he works the crowd (he has a cut on his chin from
something), and it’s time to coil. RKO is escaped into the
Superpunch. Reigns is too far away and crawls… himself… over…
but Orton is asking for help from Rollins, Kane, and security. This
leads to a huge beating at 20:11 as ring crew is doing something
under the ring. It’s a 3-on-1 beating inside the ring as Orton calls
for the cage to be lowered. ***1/2
Reigns
tries to fight off three guys, successfully sending Kane and Rollins
out as the cage lowers on both men. Rollins throws a steel chair in
but can’t follow him. The cage is fully lowered as it’s Reigns,
Orton, a chair, and nothing else. Uh-oh. Orton gets the first shot
in, but Reigns sends Orton into the cage over and over. He wants the
Spear, and no one can save Orton. Spear connects, and Reigns sees
the chair. Kane finally uses the door, but Reigns smacks him away
with the chair only for Rollins to dive off the cage onto Reigns.
Kane finally enters and floors Reigns, then loosens his shirt and
throws Reigns into the cage. Chokeslam follows, and Orton’s back up
with the chair. He asks for permission to do this himself from Kane
and Rollins, then drives the chair over and over into Reigns. “Guess
what? Tonight just isn’t your day!” Orton continues pounding the
everloving heck out of Reigns, then lifts him up with the chair to
the neck in a great visual. More chairshots. Orton holds Reigns
down on the mat, and Rollins taunts Reigns, saying he will destroy
him. And indeed, the Curbstomp connects on the chair. The Authority
stands tall as Rollins’ music plays.
MORK
CALLING ORSON – COME IN ORSON:
This
show was all over the place. Wyatt and Jericho? Good. Cena and
Heyman? Great. The Bella stuff? Pathetic. Rollins and Sheamus?
Disappointing. The main event? Very nice. The post-match beating?
NWA-level goodness. Now I really want to see Ambrose and Reigns both
return and unload hell on them.
Overall,
it had a feeling of an important show, so there’s that. And next
week looks to have an electrifying segment when Cena and Lesnar
finally have their pull-apart.
But
at the same time, the boring second hour and the disaster of a Bella
segment weigh it down. I really don’t know what to rate this show.
It depends on whether you look for the good or the bad, I guess. If
you want to praise Raw, there’s things to praise. If you want to
hate Raw, there’s things to hate. So this is a show for everyone, I
guess.
STATS:
MATCH
TIME: 57:54 over seven matches
BEST
MATCH: Orton/Reigns
WORST
MATCH: Rose/Titus
NIGHT
MVP: Seth Rollins
FINAL
SCORE: I have no idea. I can’t rate this. A number won’t do it
justice. And any number can be justified.
Matt
Perri will be here tomorrow for Main Event. Tommy Hall goes through
the rest of the week. Scott Keith does 1995. Logan Scisco does
1998. Darren X will offer a topic for every day, while the Stranger
in the Alps will moderate the open thread. And I’ll be back in seven
days to do this again.
Nanu,
nanu.

*****

AN IMPORTANT ADDENDUM TO EXPLAIN MYSELF:

It’s clear something I wrote is leading to controversy.  Rather than do a new post, I’ll address it here.

 “And
since I have nothing to add to this segment: dear WWE, stop trying to
make Cena seem flawless. Let him embrace his flaws. He’s more fun
that way. Signed, the Attitude Era fans who cheered every time
Austin beat up a woman.”

I am not one of these fans.  Never was.

It’s clear a lot of people are upset that Cena is turning into Hogan and not into Austin.  I’ve seen this in several fora — not just here — and I’ve heard it talked about over Skype with my friends.  Here’s the problem: the Attitude Era doesn’t exactly age well, and Austin as a hero just doesn’t make sense.

I felt the same way then — preferring the never-say-die attitude of DDP and Foley to Austin or Rock.  Why should I cheer someone who treats others poorly?  Why should I enjoy when my heroes act like total jerks?  If you get a face who treats others poorly, refuses to acknowledge anyone’s efforts, and beats up everyone for fun… that’s a heel.  It really is.

Bear in mind also: both Stone Cold the character and Steve Austin the person would beat women up.  But he’s a hero?  Do you remember how awesome it was when Austin gave Stacy Keibler a Stunner because she refused to drink beer with him?  Yeah, when I phrase it that way, why did we cheer it?

And now I see John Cena explain his entire character motivation and make it clear why he doesn’t see the need to embrace a dark side… and all of you declare it boring and pathetic because he’s just a goody two-shoes.  You want people like Austin, who would assault you for looking at you funny, or Rock, who treated his best friend Mankind like an embarrassment.  That’s not cool.  That’s not even remotely cool.

I got behind Daniel Bryan because he wasn’t like that — because he was the never-say-die attitude, and because (the hiccup with the Wyatt Family aside) he just did the right thing and succeeded while doing it.  He was more Hogan than Austin.  And I preferred him greatly to CM Punk, who never showed anyone respect — friend or foe — and talked about how only he mattered to himself as a character.

That said, I should have kept this to myself and written something else, or delivered a less ambiguous statement.  My apologies.