The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2014 Aka A Harsh Lesson in Crowd Psychology. Live from Pittsburgh, PA Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL I’m trying this on the WWE app, even without Michael Cole instructing me how to do it! In the pre-game match, the New Age Outlaws actually get a sixth tag title in a decent match, thus ending the reign of Cody & Goldust in the most underwhelming way possible. But first, to the mailbag! So far, everyone seems to think it’s a surefire bet that Batista is winning the Rumble, and then going on to headline Mania against either Cena or Orton. But Batista, in his skinny jeans, Justin Bieber sweater, and nose stud looked like King Douche of Douche Mountain last week. If he wins the Rumble, that will be going against everything the fans actually want to see. That seems like a recipe for the fans to almost immediately turn on the guy. And Batista vs. either Orton/Cena as the main event of Mania seems like the most boring thing to ever be consideZzzzzzzzzzzz. So my question is this: if that’s the main event we’re getting for Mania, what are the odds the crowd shits all over it and spends the entire match chanting for Daniel Bryan? Seems like that would be an awful big embarrassment for the main event of the 30th anniversary of Wrestlemania, but I feel like that may be the path we’re heading down. Come on, you think an entire crowd would hijack the second-biggest PPV of the year? That wouldn’t happen! That’s crazy talk! Daniel Bryan v. Bray Wyatt Slugfest to start and Bryan puts him down with a knee, but gets nailed from behind. Bryan stops to nail Harper with a dive, so the ref sends the Wyatts back to the dressing room, which Bray actually is fine with. Bryan hits him with a dive as well and back in with a high cross for two. Bray tosses him, but charges and hits the stairs. Back in, Bryan works on the leg and wraps him up with a bow-and-arrow, then opts just to kick him in the face instead. That gets two. Bryan is still throwing kicks and destroying the knee, and they fight over a suplex on the apron. Wyatt takes him down to the floor, and back in where Bray throws him around and goes to a chinlock. Wyatt pounds the head and sends him into the post, so Bryan bails, and Bray follows him out there with a senton on the floor. Back in, that gets two. Bray clotheslines him under the ropes for two and continues pounding the head. Crabwalk, and he keeps going back to a neck vice, but Bryan makes the comeback and sends him into the corner for some kicks. To the top for a rana that gets two. Not really expecting Bray Wyatt to be taking highspots, but I’ll go with it. Bray puts him down with an elbow for two, however. Bryan dumps him and follows with a tornado DDT off the apron. Back in for the missile dropkick and the Yes Kicks, which get two. Corner dropkicks, but Bray catches him with a huge lariat for two. Sister Abigail is reversed into a rollup for two, however. Bryan with the Yes-Lock, but Bray bites his hand to break! To the top and they exchange headbutts to the alternating delight and annoyance of the crowd, but Wyatt goes down first and Bryan follows with the flying headbutt. Bray bails again and Bryan follows with the dive, but Bray catches him and Abigails him into the railing in an AWESOME spot, and back in for another one to finish at 21:35 and deflate the crowd. And thus the show was stolen. **** Meanwhile, the WWE is about to be conquered and subjugated by Viking Space Lord Brock Lesnar, or so Paul Heyman would have you believe. Big Show v. Brock Lesnar This needs to be a total slaughter of epic proportions, especially given how much Show had the upper hand in the buildup. And indeed, Brock immediately takes him down and pounds the shit out of him with a chair, and man that looks like it hurts. The sympathetic crowd asks for one more time, and Brock obliges. The ref finally gets the chair away from him, so Heyman gives Brock ANOTHER one, forcing Show to throw the punch. Brock bails and Show tosses him around on the floor, and back in, where Brock puts him out of his misery with the F5 at 1:15. Really 5:15 if you count all the stuff before the official bell. ½* Really he shouldn’t have even had to sell the punch given the beating he delivered with the chair. And then he just totally destroys Show with the chair on the floor afterwards, in the name of GOOD SPORTMANSHIP. Perhaps Show will cry about it on RAW tomorrow. Of course then Show just sells it like a mild case of indigestion on the way out, instead of getting carted out on a stretcher or in an ambulance, like you’d want for someone getting set up against Undertaker. Meanwhile, on a show that I paid $45 to watch, a COMMERCIAL for tax services. I’m in Canada, I can’t even use that! And isn’t Jackson Hewitt one of the guys in developmental right now? Meanwhile, the Shield squabbles about who drew what number for the Rumble. Roman Reigns is pretty confident either way. Meanwhile, Randy Orton is confident that he’s the only face of the WWE, and not a “Duck Dynasty reject” like Bray Wyatt. Harsh words. WWE World title: Randy Orton v. John Cena The awesome crowd chants for Daniel Bryan after the ring intros, which the announcers are forced to totally ignore. Orton stomps Cena down to start and grabs a headlock while the crowd chants for Bryan again, and now the announcers have to acknowledge it, which allows JBL to bury him. And now the hijacking continues with the chant switching to Randy Savage as Orton gets a suplex and seems to be letting it get to him. Back to the headlock as the crowd now wants to see Jericho and this is approaching glorious trainwreck territory. Well, now Pittsburgh is never getting a TV show again, way to go. Orton back to the chinlock as the crowd continues turning on the match before it even gets started. They fight on the floor and the crowd is having none of it, going back to Daniel Bryan as Orton is losing his mind. DDT gets two and apparently they both suck in the eyes of the crowd. JBL is all “Ha ha, those WWE fans, they be all expressing themselves and shit!” but you know Vince is screaming bloody murder into the earpieces right now. Cena tries a comeback, but Orton powerslams him for two. Cena with a neckbreaker for two. They fight on top and Cena comes down with the guillotine for two, but Orton gets the backbreaker for two. The crowd aggressively does not care about any of this and it’s awesome. So Orton gives him a DDT off the apron, to his credit not flipping out over getting caught in this, and back in Cena reverses the RKO into the STF. Five Knuckle Shuffle, but the ref is bumped, because that’s exactly the thing this fucking match needed. So Orton taps with no ref, then comes back and puts Cena down with the belt as the doctor manages to revive the ref by slapping him around or something. So now we’ve had a ref bump and a beltshot as the crowd switches to “This is awful”. If I could award star ratings to a crowd, I’d be tempted to go the full monty here. Cena with the FU for two, but Orton hits the RKO for two. Orton misses the punt and Cena tries the FU, but Orton reverses that to an STF. Cena reverses to a crossface, so Orton gives him an FU for two. And then Cena hits a RKO for two. To the top, but Orton fights out, so Cena hits a tornado DDT and the STF in the middle. And here’s the Wyatts, as expected. Cena is DISTRACTED, and the RKO finishes at 20:54. So in the match promised as the “traditional wrestling match” we ended up with a ref bump, a foreign object, and a run-in distraction finish. The crowd chants “THANK YOU WYATT” to top it off. The really funny thing is that the match wasn’t BAD or anything, and it was probably one of the better ones where everyone hated it. I mean, they were trying hard to overcome the crowd, but it was the wrong match for the wrong crowd tonight. *** Bray gives Cena the Sister Abigail, so as expected Daniel Bryan proved to be the setup guy for Cena’s Wrestlemania program. “No one expected this!” Michael Cole notes. I’m pretty sure the betting line would disagree with that. Meanwhile, we recap the Outlaws winning the tag titles and they un-invite Renee Young from their victory party. Meanwhile, we get the Elmination Chamber commercial, the show that is basically going to end the PPV era for wrestling. And it features Stephanie McMahon, because of course it does. Royal Rumble: CM Punk is of course #1, and that leads to another awkward moment where they’re like “Two people have won the match at #1 before, Shawn Michaels and…HEY WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” Seth Rollins is #2 and they exchange kicks to start before Punk puts him down with a running knee and high kick. Damien Sandow is #3 and the heels team up on Punk, but he gives them both a neckbreaker at the same time. Cody Rhodes is #4 and he slugs it out with Sandow and hits the Crossroads, allowing Punk to backdrop him out at 3:54. So now Punk and Rhodes work Rollins over, but Kane is #5. Wearing a suit! Kane lays a beating on Punk, but a high kick puts him out at 5:47. ALEXANDER RUSEV is #6 as NXT represents! Rusev destroys everyone but can’t quite toss Cody or Rollins, and everyone hangs on until Jack Swagger is #7. And the crowd actually gives Swagger a babyface reaction for slugging it out with Rusev! Kofi Kingston is #8, although I’m sure the crowd doesn’t know his NXT history with Rusev. Former tag champs Kofi and Punk battle in the corner, and nothing else going on with Jimmy Uso at #9. More nothing and Goldust is #10. Goldust cleans house and everyone gangs up on Rusev and dumps him at 13:11. Punk chucks Kofi out as well, but Rusev catches him and puts him on the railing for a beating, which gives us our Kofi Spot for the year, as he jumps from there to the ring! Dean Ambrose is #11 and it’s more nothing. Dolph Ziggler is #12 to wake up the crowd. Their optimism is likely misguided. More kicking and punching. R-Truth is #13 as the jobber parade continues. Ambrose dropkicks him out right away at 18:18. Uso goes up and Ambrose shoves him out at 18:38 as well. Don’t ever go to the top rope in the Rumble! That’s the first rule! Kofi manages to hang on by his boots, and Kevin Nash is #14. I was promised a retirement! Swagger is gone at 20:00. And Roman Reigns rounds out the Shield at #15. And the destruction begins. Kofi is gone at 21:50. Dolph at 22:15. Nash at 22:22. Hopefully he didn’t blow a quad on the way down. Great Khali is #16 and the Shield gangs up on him and gets him out at 23:45. And then Goldust accidentally puts Cody out at 24:10, allowing Reigns to dump Goldust at 24:20. Awww. Sheamus returns at #17 and goes after the Shield, nearly breaking my stream. I will say, the WWE app version has been perfect up until now. The Miz is #18 as business is really picking up now. JBL notes that Shawn won in 1996 at 18, which is insulting to both Shawn Michaels and Rumble winners in general. Fandango is #19, and I’m not giving him much of a chance here. Just a hunch. More aimless wandering and the crowd is anxious for Daniel Bryan. Yeah, not happening. El Torito is #20 and obviously they’re not even trying this year. Fandango lays Torito out, but gets dropkicked out by the midget at 30:42. OH COME ON. Roman thankfully gets rid of him at 31:08. Antonio Cesaro is #21, and he HAS to giant swing someone out of the match. And it’s the Miz! Sadly, Punk interrupts, and then Rollins takes the swing instead. And it’s 30 revolutions as Luke Harper is #22. Nothing going on there and Jey Uso is #23. Ring’s filling up so Batista has to be coming soon. JBL is #24 for the big babyface pop as Cole notes that “The JBL character” has never entered the Rumble before. And Reigns dumps him at 36:54 to end that epic run. They’re really reaching now. Erick Rowan is #25 as this desperately needs some real star power and/or contenders. The Wyatts rob us of a Miz Wrestlemania main event repeat at 38:32. Jey Uso is gone at 39:08. Ryback is #26. Sheamus slugs it out with Cesaro, and Alberto Del Rio is #27. No one cares. More punching and kicking as the crowd is bored as well. And then we’re onto #28 with Batista to hopefully clear the ring a bit. And the crowd TURNS ON HIM! Rowan is out at 42:48. Ryback charges him and goes over the top like the Network at 43:15. Del Rio goes for the armbar and Batista dumps him at 43:48. Big E Langston is #29 and unless Daniel Bryan is behind the curtain, this is going to Batista. Nope, it’s Rey at #30 and the crowd boos the FUCK out of that. Rey and Punk battle on the apron while the crowd turns on the whole match and wants Daniel Bryan. This is gonna be ugly. Sheamus boots Big E out at 46:54. Rey with the 619 on Rollins, but he gets kicked out at 47:54. This crowd is PISSED. Reigns puts Harper out with the Superman punch at 48:30, and the Shield argues, leading to Reigns eliminating Rollins, Ambrose and Cesaro at 48:55. Final Four: We’ve got Punk, Reigns, Batista and Sheamus. Kane returns to screw Punk at 49:27 to continue that feud no one wanted. The crowd is still chanting for Daniel Bryan and booing Batista out of the building. Batista powerslams Reigns, and Sheamus puts him down and POINTS TO SIGN, which the crowd also shits on. Reigns spears him off the apron at 53:07 to set the new elimination record, and the crowd would now like him to win. Reigns with a clothesline out of the corner, but Batista comes back with his own spear and the crowd boos the shit out of him. Reigns with his spear, but Batista tosses him to win at 55:24. So this was…something. Not the worst Rumble ever, but certainly one of them. **1/2 Although the perverse entertainment of the crowd shitting all over everything almost made up for the completely uninspired match. The Pulse Although the show kind of sucked, I certainly got my $50 worth of entertainment out of it in a very Bash ’91 “total rejection of everything being presented” type of way. Although apparently WWE hates their audience in a very real way, so the war that will be ongoing over the next two months will probably be far more fascinating than anything in the ring.
Pre-show is less than a minute away. IT’S TIME TO RUMBLE!
The champion arrives with his gimmick bag and sits ringside, wearing his Billy Owens jersey, showing his support of his hometown team. I guess his Andris Bierdrins shirt was in the wash.
In order to prevent chaos, White Coat Security has been installed to ensure order and hand out medications to those acting in a psychotic manner.
The #1 entrant for the BoD Royal Rumble is………Cultstatus. He stares down the champ, who is sitting back and smiling after pushing away the person that was sitting next to him. And now the #2 of the BoD Royal Rumble………Vince Jordan. Vince is a solid newcomer who has seemingly modeled his snarky style after Justin Watry, which is like an airline company modeling themselves after ValuJet. The newcomer charges at the big man and bounces right off of him. He does it again but gets caught with a tilt-a-whirl sideslam. Cultstatus picks him up and dumps him over the top rope just before the buzzer sounds off for our #3 entrant, ABeYance1. He has made a lot of posts in his young BoD career but I cannot remember any single one of them. He slides under the champ before stunning him with a dropkick but tries a crossbody as the champ ducks and he falls over the top rope and out to the floor. White Coat secruity will now escort him back to his proper place of importance, which is sixteen rows behind poster Pete Labozetta’s pet turtle. The buzzer sounds off as we have a surprise entrant for #4. It is the man………..the myth……………………………………………….the “Catalyst” Chad Bryant. Holy shit, what a surprise! A living, breathing, “trained” wrestler. He goes after Cult and backs him in the corner. Look out, he is setting up for his big move, the Snap Miracle! He tries but he botches the move and falls on his ass as the BoD Arena starts a “you fucked up” chant. After a good laugh by everyone, Cult chops him against the ropes before eliminating him with a clothesline. Cult then grabs the mic and wants a real challenge, instead of the three jabroni’s he just faced. He sparks up a smoke in the corner and puts it out right before entrant #5 reveals himself as Parallax1978. A top five guy entering at #5, who would have thought that one up!. Anyway, the BoD’s self-proclaimed wife-fucker comes out and claims he will do the same to Culstatus, prompting a brawl. The go all over the ring as the BoD whips themselves into a frenzy quicker than a Daniel Bryan defeat. #6 comes out and is revealed as John Petuka, a guy who wants to break through the BoD midcard. Truly, the loftiest goal ever set by mankind! He looks at the brawl and waits it out for a minute. The other two now stop and they all start going at. #7 comes out and is revealed as BoD reviewer Tommy Hall. He is showing off the benefits of his e-book money through his wardrobe, which consists of Champion sweatpants and a Vince Young jersey. Rolling in dough my friends. He and Parallax go at it as Cult and Petuka brawl in the corner. #8 is Dougie2576, hated by many of the BoD faithful. He goes after Tommy Hall and they start duking it out. Parallax and Petuka are trying to eliminate Cultstatus but he fights them both off. #9 is Logan Scisco, another reviewer of the BoD and he goes after Tommy Hall in the battle of the Monday Night Wars reviewers. I’d pay not to see that, personally. Petuka and Dougie are fighting as is Cult and Parallax. #10 is YJ2310, a veteran of the BoD. Truly, a solid hand and a jam-up guy. He has as much chance at this as Jim Abbott does at shoveling the end of his driveway. Just as he enters, Scisco dumps Hall over the top rope, telling him there are no Royal Rumble’s in WCW.
The buzzer sounds off for #11 and it is Jesse Baker! He runs down the ramp but trips over his feet and falls on his face, as Dougie is pointing and laughing at him from the ring. Baker is now foaming from his mouth and runs again towards the ring and enters while throwing windmill punches and is now stuck in the ring ropes! Is that what a manservant looks like? #12 is kbjone and he goes after Dougie. Hey, I thought Tommy Hall already got eliminated? Parallax eliminates YJ2310 by tossing him over the ropes and Cult eliminates Scisco with a clothesline. The buzzer goes off for #13 but no one comes out. BoD interviewer Prime Time Ten is backstage with the camera man as the contestant, Ryan Murphy, is lying unconscious on the floor. Did he get H-Bombed? Well, only if the “H” stood for Heineken I guess. BoD doctor Officer Farva comes out stumbling a bit and checks on Murphy by going through his pockets, finding lint and a receipt from Hardee’s. Murphy is now declared unable to compete. Lots of fighting going on but none more intense than Jesse Baker vs. the ring ropes, as he has the top and middle ropes in an octopus hold. #14 is revealed as cabspaintedyellow, who makes his presence felt every Monday night in the RAW threads in the same manner that erectile dysfunction makes it’s presence felt in the bedroom, disappointing and unwelcoming. He and kbjone team up on Dougie for a bit as everyone else is brawling. #15 comes out and it is revealed as none other than Elvy. Known for his love for TNA and stalking porn stars on Twitter. He goes right after kbjone and is not happy about his “vapid twatness” comments about Dixie Carter. Baker is still caught in the ropes and trying to fight his way into the ring as Dougie is kicking him in the ass. #16 comes out and is revealed as none other than The Fuj. He slowly walks up the ramp and into the ring and promptly leans in the corner, looking disinterested. He looks around and pulls cabs off of Dougie and tosses him to the floor. Cabspainteyellow has been eliminated, like he had a chance to win this fucking thing anyway. Fuj goes back into the corner. #17 is none other than Brian Bayless. Before he comes in, we hear someone screaming “Sycophant” approaching the ring and it turns out to be Gideon Stargrave. White Coat security comes out and grabs him then escorts him backstage. I think they have some gimmicks backstage for him to help calm down. Since we know he isnt going to fucking do it, I spell-checked Bayless’s tights and to the surprise of no one, they were incorrect as their is no “U” in his name. He runs in and dumps both kbjone and Elvy, who were fighting against the ropes. Elvy also gets a special escort from White Coat Security. He looks around and starts to join in on the attack against and Cultstatus. Dougie continues to mock Jesse Baker, who is in a hard-fought battle against the ring ropes. #18 is an angry, bitter fat-guy named Todd Lorenz. A big man, folks. He flexes on the ring apron to little reaction then enters the ring only to get clotheslined to the floor by Parallax and Petuka. Dougie is laughing on the ropes at Baker while kicking his head as #19 enters and reveals himself as Flair4dagold. Dougie is still laying against the ropes as Baker is flipping around in the ropes and manages to get his legs around his head and takes him over the ropes, eliminating Dougie! Baker also falls to the floor as we await word as to whether or not he officially entered the ring. He hasn’t as the BoD Arena chants for Jesse. White Coat Security is in full force right now to prevent any psychotic breaks from happening. Could this be it, will man-servants and rape filled bookng scenarios flood the BoD more than before? Baker re-enters and makes it through the ropes without incident! He turns around and walks into a clothesline from the Fuj and gets tossed to the floor, ending the hopes and dreams of the crazy bookerman. #20 comes out as GIF’s of AJ Lee and Tessmacher appear everywhere meaning it is none other than Jef Vinson. Bayless goes off on one of his shitty rants about AJ never being a star as I grab my stocking cap and pillow, hoping someone will wake me up in time to catch the bus ride home. He is getting heated up but Petuka hits him form behind with a dropkick and eliminateshim as the crowd enjoys their AJ. Look at Petuka, he is gaining the confidence that makes you a top guy and pumping himself up but that quickly ends when Cultstatus takes him down with a big boot to the face then he gets tossed over the ropes. Yes, he still remains the Kofi Kingston of the BoD.
#21 is Zanatude and he goes right after Flair. Cult and the Fuj resume their feud as Parallax and Vinson go at it in the corner. #22 is the Blog Otter himself, Paul Meekin. Just for creating that term, he should be taken out by a BP oil spill. He goes at it with Zanatude as #23, White Thunder comes in and saves Flair, but realizes that it is the wrong one. He doesn’t think it is fair. He is upset about the treatment that Ric Flair is getting from the BoD as the crowd doesnt care. He even has on a 49ers shirt with an unpaid bar tab stapled to the front left corner to show his support for the Nature Boy. He and Meekin team up on Zanatude then all of a sudden, we have a major collision of all the participants involved besides the Fuj. The Fuj grabs the mic and looks around, somewhat irritable, and proclaims that he has lost his smile and will be leaving and only returning if he finds it. He goes to step over the top rope and eliminate himself but Parallax and Vinson run over and dump him outside. The buzzer sounds for #24 and it turns out to be none other than the “Pussy Magnet of the Pacific Northwest, 302 lbs of solid muscle and the #15 draw on the Place2beNation website”, Caliber Winfield. He draws a 50/50 reaction from the crowd and heads straight towards Meekin. He says that QOTD is his and dumps him over the ropes. White Thunder goes at him and he gets tossed. Caliber is on a roll, folks. Literally, he is standing on a dinner roll that obviously fell out of one of the pockets of one of our competitors. #25 is Adam Curry, who is from the Buffalo, NY area. No need to insult anyone if that is the case because living in Buffalo is insulting enough. Flair holds up Zanatude for Cultstatus but he ducks and the big boot by Cult takes out Flair, as the double-team backfired for Flair. Parallax attacks Cult from behind and now has him 3/4 of the way over the ropes. #26 is jvc113, a B+ poster if there ever was one. I was kidding, he is a solid C guy. Lots of brawling going on as we see Zanatude go after Caliber but he ducked and Zanatude is eliminated. #27 is Kyle Warne, who teams up with another former RoH reviewer in Adam Curry to go after Caliber. Does two RoH reviewers equal one TNA reviewer? Anyway, they brawl all over the place as things are getting stagnant. #28 is RAW recapper Andy PG and he isnt helping the excitement. According to BoD dirtsheet writer Wade Michael Meltzer, Andy was seen stomping his feet at the news of Daniel Bryan wrestling Sheamus at WrestleMania. Wade Michael Meltzer sounds like a serial killer, doesn’t he? BoD Champion jobber123 is sitting ringside, posting 65 comments in a one-man conversation over who was the better rebounder, Tyrone Hill or Chris Gatling, in a thread about the 1994 Royal Rumble. #29 is Phrederic, who goes after Jef Vinson. jvc113 charges at Parallax and he gets eliminated. And finally, #30 reveals himself to be Officer Farva. He is a doctor folks, much like John Cena is the doctor of thuganomics. He is stumbling to the ring straight from the strip club that lets us bring in two phones!!!!! He goes after Caliber and they go at it, trading punches. Everyone has now entered as we are closer to naming the number one challenger for the BoD Heavyweight Title.
Andy PG and Phrederic attempt to eliminate Caliber but Farva tosses them both out. He picks up Caliber and goes to toss him by himself but is stopped by Caliber. Parallax runs over and he and Farva eliminate Caliber. Curry and Warne charge after them and they get backdropped over the top rope. Cult points at jobber, who is most likely posting by himself in last week’s Impact thread over the 1996 Summer Olympics, and signals that he will be the champ. jvc113 attacks him from behind and starts wailing away. He charges at him but gets tossed over the top rope as the final four competitors are set.
Backstage, the camera shows brawling all over the locker room. Scisco and Hall are going at it. Vince Jordan & Stan Ford have attacked Curry & Warne from behind. Guys are fighting on the obviously empty buffet tables as we take it back to the ring. Parallax kicks Cult in the corner as he screams about slamming every married woman in the area like a screen door. Vinson and Farva are brawling in the corner. Parallax goes over to help his pal Farva, who picks up the flask he has dropped on the ground, using the ropes to maintain balance. Parallax gets in his face and as he attempts to slap it out of his hands, Farva drops it and ducks down, causing Parallax to fall forward with his momentum and gets backdropped over the ropes just as Farva went to stand back up. Parallax is irate, yelling at Farva from the floor as Vinson tosses Farva outside, where Parallax yells at him.
The last two men left standing are Vinson and Cultstatus. Not a single member of the crowd are looking at the action and instead on their phones commenting on the latest Daniel Bryan email that was posted. It was only the 4th of the day so you know they still have fresh ideas in their heads. The action goes all over the ring as Vinson is hammering away all over the ring. Cultstatus fights back as these two are fully engaged in a slugfest. They now fight against the ropes but neither man can gain the advantage. Both men collide and are down as the crowd gains interest in the match, which we have just learned is the direct result of Disqus crashing. They get up and Vinson suplexes Cult on the ropes, who lands on the apron. Vinson charges at Cult, who pulls ducks down while pulling down the ropes and Vinson goes over and lands on the floor as Cultstatus has ran the gauntlet and won the BoD Rumble, going on to face jobber123 at BoD Mania for the title.
Go nuts with anything Royal Rumble related.
> I've got it! A Royal Rumble finish that's never been done before!
> The final two men in the ring are CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Suddenly,
> the lights go out, and the Wyatt Family storm the ring, throw both
> Bryan and Punk out of the ring THROUGH the ropes, and kidnap them.
> The show goes off the air with the announcers wondering what the hell
> was going on.
> Immediately after the show, HHH releases a message on WWE.com saying
> that, because there was no winner to the Royal Rumble, they would redo
> the entire thing tomorrow night on Monday Night Raw to decide the
> person that will MAIN EVENT WRESTLEMANIA!
> Since there will be, in essence, no more PPVs to worry about selling
> after this show, this would be the perfect way to both end the PPV era
> and pop a rating for the next night's show (plus fill a large swath of
> three hours with some content)
> Thoughts on this brilliant, inspired idea?
> – Joe
I like the kidnapping, but it needs more HHH. Perhaps he wins the redone Rumble himself and then laughs at them, for being B+ players?
Loving your work dude, keep it up as always, hope my clicks help the DVD fund, I dont have Kindle so cant contribute like that, but hey!
So, I was on wwe.com the other day looking at their Royal Runble coverage, one image really stuck out for me: 30 Best Rumblers
To my alarm, the main image, the 1991 poster shows 22 superstars front and centre, 6 of which are now dead! I know we're talking 23 years ago but man, that isnt a great image to showcase your Rumble coverage – of the 11 over half are dead – Perfect, Von Erich, Hawk, Earthquake, Bossman and Savage.
Got me thinking, which Rumble has suffered the most losses, and I have found that 1990 (Savage, Brown, Andre, Bravo, Earthquake, Rude, Hercules and Perfect) and 1991 (Bravo, Von Erich, Hercules, Bulldog, Hawk, Crush, Earthquake and Perfect, plus Savage who no showed) tie with 8 losses per Rumble. 1991 has 9 if you include Savage who no showed the match.
In fact, every Rumble from 1988 – 2008 has at least one past away participant.
Not sure I have a massive point to make, just thought it was interesting!
THROW YOUR MONEY AT ME NOW!
The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2011 I’ve had requests for a Royal Rumble Kindle book, but this is the one show I’m missing. So here it is! I wasn’t even watching the product at the time, so this is basically all new to me aside from knowing who the winner was. My exposure was limited to WWE sending me DVDs to review, and otherwise I was exclusively watching Classics on Demand for my fix. I barely even remember who the champions were or what the issues were, so I’m kind of looking forward to going in blind! Live from Boston, MA Your hosts are Michael Cole, Matt Striker and Jerry Lawler. World Heavyweight title: Edge v. Dolph Ziggler The spear is BANNED tonight during one of Vickie Guerrero’s reigns as Smackdown GM. Given the way Edge’s neck turned out, he probably should have heeded that warning. Dolph is noticeably more ripped here than he has been in recent times. Not that I’m accusing anyone of anything. Dolph slugs him down to start, but gets whipped into the corner and kneed for two. Edge with a gutbuster for two. Knee to the gut gets two. To the floor, but Dolph catches him with a cheapshot on the way back in to take over, and gets two. To the chinlock, but Edge fights out, so Dolph gets a sunset flip for two, reversed by Edge into a catapult for two. Ziggler puts him down with a neckbreaker for two. Back to the chinlock, as Dolph channels his inner Randy Orton and grinds on that for a while, but they collide on a bodypress attempt and everyone is out. Dolph recovers first and misses the blind charge, but Edge isn’t allowed to spear him. He hits a flapjack instead and makes the comeback, with a bulldog for two. Ziggler counters the Downward Spiral with something like a Franchiser, and that gets two. Edge counters the fameasser with a powerbomb for two as Striker is already getting on my nerves with his melodramatic clichéd commentary. They fight to the top and Edge fights out of a superplex, but Dolph rolls through a bodypress for two. Ziggler with a dropkick for two as the crowd starts to get on his side. Edge takes him down with his Edgecution submission, but Dolph makes the ropes. Edge charges and clotheslines himself, and Dolph hits the fameasser for two. The crowd is really buying into the near-falls here. Edge puts him down with a big boot and sets him up for a spear, but Ziggler catches him with the sleeper. Edge turns it into the Impaler DDT for two, but Vickie makes the save. Edge rolls Dolph up for two, but Kelly Kelly beats up Vickie to get rid of her, while Dolph hits the Zig Zag for two and freaks out the crowd. Another try at the sleeper, which Striker completely mis-explains. The sleeper doesn’t cut off oxygen, it cuts off blood via the carotid artery. A choke cuts off oxygen. Unless he meant that it cuts of blood to the brain, which carries oxygen, but really he doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt. Edge escapes and bumps the referee, and with everyone unconscious he takes the opportunity to use the spear, which has Heel Michael Cole aghast. Edge finishes with an Unprettier as a shout-out to Christian at 20:44 to retain. Turned into a hell of a match to hook the crowd and keep everyone on the edge of their seats, pardon the pun. **** Dolph would soon end up with the belt in the most backhanded way possible. WWE title: The Miz v. Randy Orton Oh yeah, Miz used to be WWE champion. I seriously forgot about that. I will say, at least Miz as champion had confidence and swagger that is totally missing today. Like, a totally different person now. That being said, he was treated like a fluke champion and, dare I say, a B+ player next to the likes of Randy Orton and John Cena. Orton beats him down in various corners of the ring, but Miz’s lapdog Alex Riley gets a cheapshot from the outside and allows Miz to take over. Miz with the corner clothesline for two. We hit the chinlock, and Miz puts him down with a knee for two. Miz boots him down for two. Elbow gets two. We get a horrendously dull heat segment on Orton with Cole openly cheering for the Miz, but Orton fights back with a superplex for two. They slug it out and Orton tries the draping DDT, but gets backdropped to the floor as a result. Back in, Miz with a double axehandle for two. He goes to a chinlock as this thing drags on, due to Miz having no idea how to build to a climax in this kind of environment. Back to the floor, where he catapults Orton into the post, but he recovers at 8 and makes the comeback. So yeah, more clotheslines and the Garvin Stomp (which thank god he’s retired now) for two. A-Ry gets involved yet again and Miz gets a neckbreaker for two. Orton with an Angle Slam for two to escape the Finale. Miz grabs the belt and takes a walk, but Orton cuts him off, only for Miz to get a DDT for two. Orton rolls him up for two and follows with the draping DDT, but now the Nexus comes out and distracts Orton. Randy gets rid of Riley by tossing him onto the Nexus losers, but CM Punk runs in and hits Orton with a GTS and puts Miz on top at 19:53. That was WAY too long for that stupid TV finish. **1/2 Miz was like a lost sheep out there, struggling to stretch the match out to 20 minutes with his 5 minute offense. And they STILL put this guy out there to die in the main event of Wrestlemania! No wonder that show sucked ass. Divas title: Natalya v. LayCool The anonymous RAW GM buzzes in before the match and adds Eve Torres for some reason. Divas title: Natalya v. Layla v. Michelle McCool v. Eve Torres This earth-shattering announcement gets no reaction from the crowd, since Eve had not yet developed a personality. LayCool gets rid of Eve and Natalya fights them off alone, but the heels are left to face each other. It’s like a really shitty Royal Rumble! The babyfaces chase off LayCool, but Natalya gets a bizarre double Sharpshooter on Eve and Layla. I have no idea who that was supposed to hurt. Nattie fights off Laycool , but Eve dumps Natalya and moonsaults Layla for the pin at 5:13 to win the title. ½* Meanwhile, a clean-shaven Daniel Bryan and girlfriend Gail Kim (WTF was that about?) offer comments on the Rumble, but the Bella Twins interrupt with apologies for their previous shenanigans. That ends up very badly for everyone. Royal Rumble: This was the one year they tried 40 men, due to all the Nexus and Corre guys needing spots. CM Punk draws #1, and we suddenly get a giant Nexus v. Corre brawl until the anonymous RAW GM breaks it up with an e-mail. And then the #2 guy is Daniel Bryan. So that’s an awesome way to start. We get some teased eliminations as the crowd is heavily torn between these two internet geeks that no one cares about. Bryan misses a charge and Justin Gabriel is #3. He attacks Punk and quickly tries the 450, but it misses and Bryan dumps him at 2:35. Bryan goes back to beating on Punk as Zack Ryder is #4, long before he meant anything on TV. Broski boot on Punk and the Roughrider, but Bryan dumps him at 3:57. Sign at ringside: “Jobber Exit This Way” Now there’s some quality snark. William Regal is #5 and he wants to beat on everyone. I approve. He suplexes both guys around and knees Punk down, then has an awesome forearm battle with Bryan. And then everyone trades stiff kicks until only Bryan remains. Ted Dibiase is #6 and he’s throwing dropkicks! Bryan tries to get him out, and John Morrison is #7. He runs wild and hits Bryan with a C-4, but Dibiase dumps him…and he lands on the railing and hangs on! He jumps to the stairs (itself an amazing spot) and stays in. Why do they not throw money at this guy and bring him back? Yoshi Tatsu is #8 because, you know, 40 men. Regal gets eliminated at some point during the JoMo parkour show, call it 10:00. Husky Harris is #9 and he’s running interference for Punk, and he’s definitely in better shape these days. Chavo Guerrero is #10 as more filler, and hits the Three Amigos on Dibiase, Punk, Morrison and finally Bryan. Harris lays him out to end that run. Mark Henry is #11 and splits wigs, dumping Chavo at 15:21 and Tatsu at 15:49. JTG is #12 because 40 men. Husky beats on Bryan, who promptly quits and joins the Harris family rather than fight on. No, wait, that’s not right, that would be fucking stupid. Michael McGuillicutty is #13, and he’s also Team Punk for those like myself who can’t keep track without a scorecard. He dropkicks JTG out at 18:10, and there’s a real accomplishment for your resume. The Nexus geeks backdrop Dibiase out at 19:08, and Chris Masters is #14. There’s another guy they need to get back again. Masterlock on Punk looks to put him out, but Perfect Jr. makes the save. David Otunga is #15, and Bryan gets dumped at 21:16, followed by Masters at 21:23, Morrison at 21:40, and Mark Henry at 22:05 to finish clearing the ring. Tyler Reks is #16 and he’s pretty much fucked given it’s the Nexus all alone in there. And they swarm Reks and toss him at 23:07. Vlad Koslov is #17 and he gives it a go, but as a comedy guy he gets nowhere and the Nexus destroys him at 24:35. R-Truth is #18 but he’s not high level enough and also gets mauled and thrown out with suitable snark by Punk at 26:30. I think we can all see the payoff for this gag coming. Great Khali is #19 and he manages to fight them off and toss Harris at 27:48. Mason Ryan replaces him as the Nexus guy at #20, however, and dumps Khali at 28:40 to leave it all Nexus, all the time. John Cena has to be coming soon here to clear the heels out, especially with all the dead space of the Nexus waiting for their next victims. Booker T makes is surprise return at #21, however, and the crowd goes insane. Striker is marking out, bro. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. Booker manages to hold his own and gives us a Spinarooni, at which point Punk blindsides him and Ryan tosses him at 31:15. Punk is feeling confident about his chances at this point, and HERE’S John Cena to pay this off. OK, finally. Great Khali was one too many. And yes, Cena kicks the shit out of them and rids us of Otunga, Ryan and McGillicutty at 33:00 at one time. Punk is alone and tries a GTS, but Cena clotheslines him down and both guys are out. Hornswoggle is #23, pulling double duty after two anonymous GM e-mails, and I’m not liking his chances here. An irritated Punk kicks him down and goes after Cena, but gets FU’d to the floor at 35:40 to end his night. Cena makes peace with the midget and Tyson Kidd is #24. Hornswoggle takes him down with a flying headscissors in a physics-defying move, and then hits his own FU to allow Cena to finish him off at 37:23. Geez, poor Kidd. Heath Slater is #25 and he too is no match for MIDGET MADNESS, as he takes a 10 Knuckle Shuffle and frog splash before going goodbye at 39:08. Kofi Kingston is #26 to hopefully end the alleged comedy, and they’re STARING AT THE SIGN to really hammer home how serious this is. So Kofi controls with a dropkick and hammers away in the corner, but Jack Swagger is #27. He takes out both babyfaces, but stops to yell at Hornswoggle and gets Boomdropped as a result. This midget stuff is really killing the flow of the match. King Sheamus is #28 in his heel bully phase, and he beats up Hornswoggle to prove that. And thankfully boots him out at 44:11. Rey Mysterio is #29 as thankfully things can get serious again, and he runs wild on everyone until Sheamus cuts him off. Swagger gets eliminated via 619 at 45:59, and I’ve got some good news: Wade Barrett is #30. The bad news: There’s still 10 more guys to come. So he runs wild and hits Cena with the bossman slam, but Kofi throws kicks in the corner as Dolph Ziggler is #31 and everyone gangs up on Cena with no success. Diesel is #32 for the mega-pop of the night, with freshly dyed hair. I know it can’t happen for a variety of reasons, but can you imagine the reaction Scott Hall would get coming out for a Rumble spot as Razor Ramon one last time? Nash beats on a variety of guys, but Drew McIntyre is #33 as the crowd is unabashedly cheering for Diesel. DO YOU SEE WHAT THIS CROWD DID?! If you want to point fingers for the way the Summer of Punk went, look no further than this crowd. THANKS A LOT, JERKS. Alex Riley is #34 as Barrett boots Diesel out at 52:44, and everyone starts ignoring the match while Cole sucks up to the Miz at the commentary desk. Big Show is #35 and we get a Show-Diesel staredown that thankfully went nowhere. Show chokeslams some people and tosses Ziggler at 55:09, and then Drew at 55:28. Big Zeke is #36 and he immediately throws Big Show out a 56:00. He’s still under contract, by the way. Just sitting at home doing nothing. Speaking of sitting at home doing nothing, Santino is #37 and foolishly goes after Jackson, resulting in him getting knocked out of the ring under the bottom rope. Alberto Del Rio is #38 and Riley gets eliminated off-screen. Del Rio’s entrance is so long that Randy Orton is #39 before he even makes it to the ring, and Orton lays out Del Rio on the floor. In the ring, RKO for Del Rio, RKO for Sheamus, RKO for Kofi and out at 61:00, Sheamus out at 61:06. And then Cena and Orton have the biggest Wrestlemania Moment Epic Fail in history, as they point to the sign and the crowd shits all over it. Awesome. And Kane is #40 to close out the bloated field. Kane takes out Orton and dumps Jackson at 62:53, but Rey catches him in a headscissors and dumps him at 63:51, only to get tossed out by Barrett at 64:00. The final four: Cena, Barrett, Orton and Del Rio. Barrett gets Cena to the apron but can’t close the deal, and again we get the stupid Cena v. Orton tease. Barrett breaks it up with a suplex on Orton, and Cena hits Del Rio with an FU. This brings Miz into the ring to dump Cena at 66:54, setting up their epic Wrestlemania fail. So Orton is alone against Barrett and Del Rio, and he manages to hold his own. He bumps Wade at 68:56, but Del Rio dumps him right back at 69:00 to win the thing. However, TWIST ENDING, as Santino is still alive under the ring, and he loads up the Cobra, but also can’t close and gets eliminated for real at 70:17 to give Del Rio the win and MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEMANIA. By which I mean the opening match where he did the job while the crowd was still coming in. This had its moments, but the whole Nexus segment was way too long, and the Cena-midget comedy segment that followed was also too long, basically filling up the extra time with unneeded bloat where a 30 man Rumble would have served the purpose much better. Still, it’s a Rumble, it’s generally pretty good even with the flaws of this year. ***1/4 The Pulse Four matches, two were pretty good, two not at all, but that’s a good enough ratio for a recommendation. I literally couldn’t have told you any of the matches aside from the Rumble, though, which shows how forgettable this whole period was. And everyone forgot to buy Wrestlemania as a result. Thumbs mildly up.
Who Should Have Won…EVERY Royal Rumble? Hi, I’m Scotty Flamingo. You might remember me from such BoD’s as “I Dream of Wrestling”. Last year, I sent in a rather lengthy tribute to Wrestlemania where I speculated what every main event should be. For my next trick, I decided to try to do it with every Royal Rumble winner. You are encouraged to play at home. (Scott sez: I accept the challenge, because I don’t really feel like watching RAW anyway and this is more fun.) Royal Rumble (1988) Who won? “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan Who should’ve won? I don’t think the WWF had any idea what the event was going to become. Just looking at the participants, it seems like it was just a nice midcard gimmick match to draw interest. In fact, the event wasn’t a PPV and was more to set up the events leading to Wrestlemania IV. It seems incredibly odd to me that Randy Savage wasn’t even in the match. Especially given that he was about to become “The Man”. Hindsight being 20/20 and all, the first Rumble should have had a better winner. I love Hacksaw as much as the next guy, but they needed a top name to sell the importance of the match. One idea would have been to have Andre win it since the show was setting up the SNME rematch with Hogan and that Andre was often billed as the king of the battle royale. However, a heel winning the first Rumble would have not set well with the crowd (especially back then) . I think Savage was the guy that should’ve won. (Scott sez: Give ‘em a pass on this one, as they didn’t know it would become what it would become. Duggan, Race, Bad News, JYD…any of those level guys were fine to win it.) Royal Rumble (1989) Who won? Big John Studd Who should’ve won? I am taking these one by one, in order. I’m worried some of these are gonna be tough, but this one is a no brainer. Mr. Perfect. What better way to keep that gimmick rolling? Studd was never more than a poor man’s Andre anyway. (Scott sez: Hey, he had $15,000 per bodyslam to pay out! That’s hardly poor. I don’t agree 100% with your detective work on the Perfect thing there, Lou. Perfect was barely midcard at that point. I think THIS is where you put Macho Man over, tossing out Hogan to win while Hulk is distracted by Slick macking on Elizabeth or something.) Royal Rumble (1990) Who won? Hogan Who should’ve won? Hogan. I agree with this one. Hogan was still the top guy and if the Rumble was going to be something worth winning, he needed to win one. Also, Perfect was #30 it would‘ve been some good drama to have my 1989 winner against Hogan at the end. Not to mention this was the beginning of the road to Wrestlemania VI and Hogan needed to be strong as World Champion. (Scott sez: Motherfucking Ultimate Warrior.) Royal Rumble (1991) Who won? Hogan Who should’ve won? I was already getting tired of Hogan by this point, even as a kid. Also, winning the Rumble twice is enough of a stretch but back-to-back?? This was a bad time in booking for the WWF as they were setting up the horrible Slaughter feud. Unfortunately, I don’t see much of an alternative. If you went for Hogan Vs Warrior II instead of Hogan Vs Slaughter at WM7, Hogan will still need to win the Rumble. The other option would be to stick with what happened and have either Savage or Warrior win the Rumble to set up that match at Mania. Since Warrior was defending the belt, that leaves Savage and yes, that would make Savage a two time winner, but at least it wasn’t consecutive. (Scott sez: I actually agreed with Hogan winning this one. The Slaughter win was such a kick in the nuts that you needed something to send the fans home happy, and it set up Hogan up as the challenger for WM.) Royal Rumble (1992) Who won? Ric Flair Who should’ve won? You will touch nothing. The perfect Rumble match. (Scott sez: Duh.) Royal Rumble (1993) Who won? Yokozuna Who should’ve won? Another dead period for the WWF as we are leading up to the horrible Wrestlemania IX. Other than his size, there was nothing about Yoko that made me feel like he was a big deal. He just seemed like an overpushed midcarder. I think I’d go one of two ways. The first would be to give Lex Luger a megapush and have him win and face Bret at Mania. The other idea would be The Undertaker as he was becoming a very popular act by then. Luger had that whole WBF run and I can’t remember if that was because of injury or Vince shying away from muscular guys with the steroid stuff still floating around. Screw it, I’ll stick with Luger. (Scott sez: Luger wasn’t even in the promotion at that time, dude. In fact I’m not even sure he was cleared to wrestle given contractual issues and the motorcycle injuries. As others have noted in the past, this should have been Savage’s miracle win so he could challenge Bret at Wrestlemania.) Royal Rumble (1994) Who won? Co-winners: Lex Luger and Bret Hart Who should’ve won? I never liked the mini-tourney for Mania X, so I’d just give Bret the win. The Bret Vs Owen match was their best storyline anyway and you’d have Bret winning the Rumble but losing in the tag match with Owen to further it. (Scott sez: Co-winners was the worst thing ever. Bret goes over, end of story.) Royal Rumble (1995) Who won? Shawn Michaels Who should’ve won? Shawn was a good choice, but then we get a consecutive Rumble winner in 1996 and I hate that. Let’s go with Diesel. (Scott sez: Yeah, but the winner getting the title shot was a thing by this point, so Diesel wouldn’t have been in the match. Shawn was the right call.) Royal Rumble (1996) Who won? Shawn Michaels Who should’ve won? Shawn Michaels. This was when Shawn should have gone over. (Scott sez: Yup.) Royal Rumble (1997) Who won? Steve Austin Who should’ve won? Is there any other choice? (Scott sez: Austin wasn’t the big deal he would become, though. Either Bret or Austin would have been fine.) Royal Rumble (1998) Who won? Steve Austin Who should’ve won? Aw crap. Consecutive winner. Screw it, Austin was that over. (Scott sez: Any opinion other than Austin is objectively stupid.) Royal Rumble (1999) Who won? Vince McMahon Who should’ve won? No Chance in Hell Vince should have won the Rumble regardless of the overbooking. Austin was runner up, but even I don’t love Austin enough to give him 3 Rumbles running. The Rock was the way to go here. (Scott sez: Rock was already the champ. Three in a row for Austin because MONEY.) Royal Rumble (2000) Who won? The Rock Who should’ve won? The Rock. And yes I know I am pissing all over my “no consecutive winner” rule, but I like Austin and Rock a helluva lot better than Hogan and HBK, so sue me. (Scott sez: This was indeed the Rock’s time.) Royal Rumble (2001) Who won? Steve Austin Who should’ve won? This is where it gets tricky. Austin Vs Rock at Wrestlemania X-7 was obviously the way to go, but both guys have already won two Rumbles in my alternate universe. I think that Kurt Angle should have won and insisted on getting his shot at No Way Out the next month, then have Austin win a match to be #1 contender. No a great scenario, but that’s what I’m going with. (Scott sez: Rock again. Or Austin. Can’t lose either way.) Royal Rumble (2002) Who won? Triple H Who should’ve won? Triple H. I was at this Rumble and he was mega-over. I am far from a fan, but this was his time. He was hot coming back from injury. (Scott sez: Yup.) Royal Rumble (2003) Who won? Brock Lesnar Who should’ve won? No problem with this. (Scott sez: Yup.) Royal Rumble (2004) Who won? Chris Benoit Who should’ve won? I could sit here and sugar coat this with hindsight and say someone else should have won, but at the time it was a huge moment and the horrible events that ended Benoit’s life don’t change that. (Scott sez: Still one of the highlights of my fandom.) Royal Rumble (2005) Who won? Batista Who should’ve won? The company was really picking the right guys to win these things. This was another smart move by them. They had basically penciled in Orton Vs HHH as the main event of Wrestlemania but the fans were far more supportive of The Animal, so the changed plans. Nowadays Batista would been fired while begging for his job on RAW only to be brainwashed by a cult and led out of the ring with his head hanging down. (Scott sez: I see what you did there. Either Batista or Cena would have been fine here.) Royal Rumble (2006) Who won? Rey Mysterio Who should’ve won? Now we get to the period where I stopped watching nearly as much. Doing my research, the aftermath of this was a big convoluted mess, so really anyone could have won. But looking at the participants, nobody really stands out. Rey was as deserving as anyone. That’s 5 straight years I agree with their booking! (Scott sez: Rey on top was a disaster. This should have been Edge retaining the title over someone else at the Rumble, and then Cena winning the Rumble and regaining the belt at WM.) Royal Rumble (2007) Who won? The Undertaker Who should’ve won? Make that 6 years. Taker totally deserved to win a Rumble by this point in his career and it was also high time a #30 won it. (Scott sez: No problem with it here.) Royal Rumble (2008) Who won? John Cena Who should’ve won? 7 in a row. Cena returning early and winning was a great wrestling moment. (Scott sez: Returning early was huge, but he didn’t need to win, especially since he blew the title shot against Orton anyway. I’d go with Jeff Hardy and put him over at WM.) Royal Rumble (2009) Who won? Randy Orton Who should’ve won? I really wanna pick someone different, but Orton was really clicking here. He was the heel that fans were starting to get behind by beating up the McMahons. Of course the booking after this neutered him by doing things like having Shane McMahon beat up the entire Legacy but whatever. (Scott sez: I barely remember this period. I’m sure Orton was fine.) Royal Rumble (2010) Who won? Edge Who should’ve won? This is where the Streak was becoming more important than the belts, so I think Michaels should have won used his shot to challenge the Undertaker. (Scott sez: People were losing their shit when Shawn got eliminated after fighting so long and so hard. He could have won easily.) Royal Rumble (2011) Who won? Alberto Del Rio Who should’ve won? CM Punk. 2011 should have been all CM Punk all the time. But logic be damned we needed that Latino demo! (Scott sez: Yeah, in hindsight this was a really misplaced win, especially given how meaningless his title shot ended up being and because they hit the reset button and gave him the briefcase anyway. That being said, too early for Punk because he wasn’t a big deal until June anyway. This was, what, Miz v. Cena at Wrestlemania? What a shitshow all around. Was Jericho around at that point? Maybe give it to him for the hell of it.) Royal Rumble (2012) Who won? Sheamus Who should’ve won? I’m torn on this one. At the time I totally called the winner of the match and everyone thought I was crazy, but Sheamus was a “HHH Guy” and the face turn was getting his some good fan reactions. At the time, everyone thought Jericho was a lock to win and go on to take on Punk at Mania. That feud was not as good as it should have been. Still I’ll go with Jericho as the winner since Sheamus went on turn into Cena Jr. smiling all the time and making a joke out of everything. (Scott sez: Yeah, Sheamus didn’t do much with the win. Should’ve been Jericho or Dolph Ziggler on the outside.) Royal Rumble (2013) Who won? John Cena Who should’ve won? Cena Vs Rock II was set in stone, but I really think they should have had Rock end Punk’s reign at Mania instead. It was just the hotter match. So I’ll say Rock should have been in the Rumble and won instead of beating Punk. (Scott sez: I would have had Ziggler win the Rumble while still holding the briefcase and thus given him two shots at the belt.) And there you have it. 26 Rumbles, 26 winners. This was harder to come up with than the Mania Main Events, but it was still fun in an obsessive wresting fan sort of way. I got kinda lazy during that 2004-2010 period because the shows weren’t doing much for me. This year should be interesting as we are back to an Undisputed Champion and that should make things more predictable But just for fun, let’s do 2014. Royal Rumble (2014) Who should win? This has been Daniel Bryan’s year. I mean, not even Punk is getting the connection with the fans that D-Bry is getting right now. Who will win? What is the rumored Wrestlemania card THIS week? With Lesnar wanting the belt it seems like they are gonna do Cena Vs Lesnar II for Elimination Chamber. If Lesnar wins, I think there is a chance Bryan gets the Rumble win and the shot at Lesnar. I also wouldn’t rule out Roman Reigns as a surprise win. Meltzer said he’s getting a push sooner than you think and the seeds have already been planted for a Shield breakup. I really don’t know, and for the Rumble, that’s a good thing. (Scott sez: I have no idea how they’re gonna get to WM and I’m finding it hard to care at this point. )
I don’t know if you’ve seen this yet, but if not, I thought you might like to:
Keep up the good work!
Love the blog, check it daily. I'm a huge fan of the Royal Rumble – for me, it's easily my favorite show of the year. So I say it's never too early to start talking about this year's show. A couple questions for you:
1. Who is your early pick to win this year's Rumble? I'm thinking Daniel Bryan or CM Punk.
2. Do you think Brock Lesnar will be on the card this year? Or will he just continue this Mania-Extreme Rules-Summerslam then disappear run he's on?
3. I love your Rumble rants and see 2011 stands as the only show you haven't ranted on. Any chance the completest in you will check it out?
Thanks and take care,
Hey, Scott, check this out. A Battle Royal match for unknown promotion from 1995 featuring Cactus Jack, Disco Inferno, RVD, Van Hammer, Scorpio, and Scott Flamingo but he’s wearing the Raven attire. I thought it would be interesting to share
I guess in honor of vacant World titles, WWE is posting tournament finals to YouTube. GOD BLESS THEM.
In 1986, not just professional wrestling, but life itself changed forever.
Their names were Chris Champion and Sean Royal and by some stroke of circumstance had been able to leave 1986 and experience the world of 2002. At first, the world was a marvel of scientific advancement, but the advancement came at the expense of humanity itself. Lifelike robots and androids were made to function alongside humans, possibly even serving in a superior capacity to those not socially high enough in the caste system.
The world had been taken over by a corrupt President of the United States, hailing from Texas.
Upon being elected in 2000 and taking office in 2001, President Dusty Rhodes instilled an American Dream by his vision, a forced vision turning America and the free world itself into a dystopia. His right hand man was Jimmy Valiant, who like Rhodes had failed to socially change with the times as the 1990s arrived. Valiant's corrupting influence on Rhodes would lead to a global takeover of Jim Crockett Promotions, which Rhodes had helped lead to domination over the rest of the wrestling world, leaving the sport as its supreme ruler and leading to a political rise to power.
Champion and Royal knew they had to go back in time to stop this. And so they returned to 1986, referring to the Future as their home so they could be reminded of their mission. They were now the New Breed. The mission was to remove Dusty's corrupting influences, most notably Jimmy Valiant and the Rock N' Roll Express, a tag team that would not take kindly to the change in 1990s rock music. Honing their skills in Florida, the New Breed would set their sights on 1987 and Jim Crockett Promotions.
Not long after arriving in the present, the Valiant of 2002 had sent an android-like being back to stop them. He was known as Lazer Tron and would assist the Valiant of 1987, never letting the younger Valiant know the true state of its mission.
The New Breed, as a way to remind themselves of the present day would make references to Back To The Future, the Transformers and Beastie Boys, fearful that too much jargon about 2002 might lead to imprisonment or worse. The goofiness of the 1980s references provided a coverup and even converted some younger onlookers to their cause.
The New Breed fought Lazer Tron, Valiant, and the Rock N' Roll Express. Lazer Tron would wind up exhausted of energy and teleport back to 2002 for repairs. His return would be to a future where he no longer existed, thanks to the New Breed's efforts.
The New Breed's war was brief, with Champion being injured and Royal getting on the wrong side of the Midnight Express. But the mission would still prove successful. The damage would be done. Valiant would wind up away from Rhodes in the AWA, the Rock N' Roll Express were never quite the same, and instead of leading a corrupted JCP to world domination, the company would sell to Ted Turner's Borg Collective and Rhodes, after a series of soul-breaking battles with the Road Warriors would depart for the WWF, reduced to polka dots.
And humanity would be saved.
Just a theory, of course.
> I have a question and I'm not sure if this has been asked before. Let's say the WWE didn't sign Scott Steiner in 2002, what would've been the best World Heavyweight title match for HHH at the Rumble? I was thinking a triple threat match with himself, HBK, and RVD, considering we didn't get this match at Armageddon in December of that year. I'm thinking HHH v HBK in some form, yeah. Maybe the RVD match since he was supposed to get the shot at Jericho before they panicked and changed it to Rock again.
Just saw that the first estimates of the Rumble buys are in, and, well…huh.
Basically it's around 440,000 buys on the low end, or 498,000 on the higher end. Considering that the previous few Rumbles have hovered around 445,000 buys SANS Rock, I can't see how they aren't let down with this. Obviously something on the lower end of that scale is a absolute disaster, but even if they do end up at around a hair under 500,000 I'd assume that's lower than expectations too. I mean, at best, The Rock brought in an extra 50,000 buys for a singles match in which he was guaranteed to win the WWE Title? They had to have been expecting a bigger bump than that.
So assuming the final number ends up being somewhere in that range, what do you think? Should they be overjoyed to have gotten any kind of bump in this day and age? Or is it a disappointment? And if it's the latter, why do you think the show did such a low number: poor build, declining drawing power of The Rock, Punk being a poor opponent, overall decline in the company's popularity? SNITSKY? Whose fault is it?
-Worst in the World
Obviously the Royal Rumble requires some painstaking choreography and pre-planning in order for the mini-stories and overall structure to stick. Do the announcers basically sit there with a 1-thru-30 list of the entrants, or does WWE sometimes throw in legitimate surprises? Have they ever swerved the announcers with the winner, or with a surprise entrance?
No, they don't tend to operate that way because Vince is all about having the announcers TELLING STORIES and surprising them would be counterproductive. The announcers would have a very detailed script, including all 30 participants in order.
The SmarK Rant for WWE Royal Rumble 2013 Live from Phoenix, AZ Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL World title, Last Man Standing: Alberto Del Rio v. The Big Show Bret Hart stops by to endorse ADR backstage, which has Ricardo giggling like a smitten schoolgirl. So now we’ve got the new Ric Flair and the new Bret Hart, apparently. Hopefully we won’t get the Tijuana Screwjob out of it. Show throws chops to start and tosses him around the ring, but Del Rio goes for the knee to bring him down. Show blocks the Si Kick, but Del Rio reverses a powerbomb into a rana and goes up with a senton to put Show down for 4. Show counters out of the armbar with a samoan drop, and that turns the tide. Show grabs a chair, but that goes badly for him when Del Rio gets it and beats him down with it. Show comes back with a chokeslam on the chair, and Del Rio is up at 9 off that before bailing to the floor. Show continues the attack, so Del Rio kicks him in the nuts for the 9 count. That’s not very PG. Show uses some pieces of the set for more punishment and gets the table, and they fight onto a suspended setpiece before Del Rio gets chucked through the table at an UGLY angle, a shoulder bump that bounces his head off the concrete. I’m shocked he didn’t break his neck there. That was horrifying. Alberto is up at 9, so I guess he’s OK, and they head back to the ring again so Show can set up for the finish. Del Rio wisely runs away from that, so Show throws stairs at him and beats the shit out of Ricardo as well. Show charges and goes through the timekeeper’s cubicle, and Del Rio just unloads with some nasty chairshots. I wish they’d retire the chair as a weapon sometimes. Del Rio stays on the arm with it and they head back in for the armbar, while Ricardo tapes Show’s feet to the bottom rope. That’s pretty smart. And with Show hogtied, the ref counts him down and out at 16:54. Damn good match, smart finish, although Del Rio still doesn’t feel like a top level babyface yet. ***3/4 Meanwhile, Dolph Ziggler chooses #1 in the Rumble, and Matt Striker angers AJ and gets chased off by Big E. He promises to unify the belts again at Wrestlemania, which is the first time anyone has brought up that possibility on TV. Hmm. And now, ROYAL RUMBLE PROMOS! Old school, baby. All this was lacking was stylized graphics on a green screen behind the participants. And why the hell weren’t they doing these on the RAWs leading up to the show? WWE tag titles: Kane & Daniel Bryan v. The Rhodes Scholars Bryan escapes a wristlock and gets a sweet anklelock takeodown into a surfboard hold, and Kane comes in with a dropkick for two. Over to Sandow, and Kane drops an elbow on him for two, and it’s over to Bryan for the kicks. Kane cleans house on the heels and Bryan hits them with a FLYING GOAT VEGAN TOPE. Cheapshot from Cody turns the tide, however, and Bryan is your goatface-in-peril. Cody with a half-crab, but Bryan reverses into a small package for two. Sandow puts him down for the ELBOW OF DISDAIN for two. Bryan comes back with a leg lariat as the proceedings are kind of dull here for some reason. Cody cuts off the ring and Bryan comes back with a DDT and makes the hot tag to Kane. Sideslam gets two. Kane to the top and Sandow cuts him off and they mess up a neckbreaker spot to give Sandow two. Bryan makes a blind tag while Sandow suplexes Kane, and comes in with a missile dropkick off that. Chokeslam for Cody, No-Lock for Sandow finishes at 9:23. Really? Because it was WAAAAAAAAY past time to change those belts. Unless they’re switching them to the Shield next month, because otherwise I don’t really see the point. **1/4 Royal Rumble: Huh, pretty early in the show for this. Dolph is of course #1, and #2 is CHRIS JERICHO?!? Good thinking to the guy with the Y2J sign in the crowd. Dolph tries to toss him, but Jericho goes up and hits a forearm, then clotheslines Ziggler to the apron. Dolph goes up and they fight on the top, allowing Jericho to hit a superplex as Cody Rhodes is #3. Jericho immediately lays into him with chops, but the heels team up and beat on Y2J. Jericho puts Cody in the Walls, however, prompting Ziggler to break it up. Kofi Kingston is #4 and he cleans house on the heels and renews hostilities with Ziggler. Everyone fights on the ropes, but no one out as Santino is #5. I guess his neck injury wasn’t as bad as feared. Santino thinks he’s eliminated everyone, but they all hang on and team up to get rid of him at 6:00. Drew McIntyre is #6 and he does fairly well for himself as Jericho gets tossed, but hangs on and pulls himself back in. Titus O’Neil is #7 and he beats on Kofi, but Jericho dropkicks Drew out at 9:28. Dolph continues to hang on. And GOLDUST is #8 and Cody is going nuts. We get the RHODES SLUGFEST and Goldust beats on Cody in the corner. David Otunga is #9 and he starts sucking immediately and Cole goes on a funny run with JBL about Rumble times among the announcers. The Rhodes Brothers team up on Titus, but then Cody turns on Goldust and can’t quite put him out. Why can’t Dusty’s hellspawn just get along?! Heath Slater is #10, and Cole calls him the Axl Rose of the group. If that were true, he would have showed up for the match four hours late and then left after three songs. The ring keeps piling up with deadwood which probably means that Ryback is near. What other purpose does Otunga serve? Sheamus is #11 and he hits everything that moves and gets rid of Titus and Otunga in succession at 16:12. Tensai is #12. Yay. The crowd is immediately all over him with the Albert chants, and it’s another pileup of bodies in the corner. Brodus Clay is #13 and this is just begging for a Rikishi guest spot. Goldust backdrops Cody onto the apron, but he charges and gets pulled out there with him. Cody sends him into the post to put him out at 19:50 and the crowd is PISSED. Rey Mysterio returns at #14 with new gear and diminishing muscle tone, and he hits a pair of 619s and drops the dime on Jericho, but then it turns into another pileup again. Darren Young is #15 and everyone gets Brodus out at 22:00. Kofi puts Tensai out with a rana at 22:10. And then Dolph tosses Kofi, but he lands on Tensai’s back and moves to the table, but now he has to get back to the ring. This provides unique drama as he tries to puzzle it out, and uses JBL’s chair to pogo back to the ring with Bo Dallas at #16. That warrants another Slammy, and then he eliminates Darren Young on the way in at 24:40! Sadly, Cody kicks him out at 24:45 to end the run. And then GODFATHER is #17. Now these are the guys they should be doing nostalgia shots with. And then Dolph dropkicks him out again at 26:06. Oh well, still fun. Wade Barrett is #18 and he beats on some people. John Cena is #19 and all the heels line up against him and move in for the beatdown, but Cena RISES ABOVE MATH and tosses Slater at 29:11. Cody is gone at 29:15. Bo Dallas goes after Cena and that doesn’t seem like a smart move. Damian Sandow is #20, one guy too late to save his best friend. Frowny face. Avenge him, Damien! Rey nearly takes Barrett out with a rana, but gets tossed at 30:44. Jericho gets the Walls on Cena as Daniel Bryan is #21. Everyone gets kicked in the face as a result and that’s awesome. Sheamus and Bryan try to get Jericho out again, but no go. Antonio Cesaro, still the US champion after the pre-show, is #22, and he slugs it out with Sheamus. And again, not much going on. Great Khali is #23 to waste a high number, and he can barely walk. Khali gets his chops in as JBL rails against Khali’s “interspecies relationship”. Kane is #24 and he can’t put Ziggler out either. Zack Ryder is #25, thus defying my prediction of a negative number for him. Khali goes out at 37:50, and Bryan eliminates Kane at 38:00. Bryan goes out by lands in a hug with Kane, who cruelly dumps Bryan on the floor instead of letting him continue. Randy Orton is #26 and this should clear out some people. Double draping DDT for Ziggler and Dallas. RKO for Ryder and he’s toast at 40:00. Team Europe beats on Orton in the continue to end that run, as Jinder Mahal is #27. I don’t see that one being the lucky number this year. Cena backdrops Cesaro out at 41:00 to draw more boos, and he slingshots Ziggler to the apron but not out. The Miz is #28 as Sheamus puts Mahal out at 42:42. There’s some impressive star power left in here. And Bo Dallas. Sin Cara returns at #29 to not much reaction. So that means Ryback has to be #30. And then Bo Dallas pulls Wade Barrett out at 44:32! Well there’s a RAW match tomorrow night. Miz backdrops Jericho to the apron as Wade pulls Dallas out in a show of sportsmanship at 45:22 and then knocks him out with the elbow. He learned that one from Hogan. And yeah, Ryback is #30 and he puts Sandow out at 46:32. Sin Cara dives and gets nothing, and Ryback presses him out at 46:55. Miz attacks Ryback and gets tossed at 47:06. Jericho hits the codebreaker to end that run, then Lionsaults Cena and almost gets rid of Sheamus. Codebreaker for Ziggler, but he hangs on and superkicks Jericho out at 47:52 after one hell of a run. Orton runs wild and hits Ziggler with the RKO, then Cena, then Sheamus, and the draping DDT on Ryback. Ryback blocks the RKO and clotheslines him out at 49:19. Final four: Cena, Sheamus, Ziggler and Ryback. The Brogue Kick finally puts Ziggler out at 49:51 to draw groans from the crowd, but he didn’t need to win anyway. Going coast to coast was enough. Sheamus and Cena go after Ryback and there’s no good answer for a winner here. Sheamus and Cena stop to POINT AT THE SIGN and Cena hits Sheamus with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, but Ryback lays him out. Sheamus hits White Noise on Ryback and tries the kick, but Ryback dumps him at 52:29. So this leaves Ryback v. Cena and the crowd favorite is obvious here. More SIGN POINTING, although Ryback is a sign pointing virgin and kind of blows the spot. Spinebuster for Cena, but Cena takes him down with the STF. Ryback comes back with a Thesz Press, but Cena just dumps him to win at 55:01, because of course John Cena wins everything. Good thing he won that Rumble because who knows when he’d get another title shot otherwise. Great star power this year, but there was a lot of piled up bodies and the finish was particularly uninspired. They really need Pat Patterson booking these things again, because there were tons of missed chances for great spots and too much downtime. ***1/4 WWE title: CM Punk v. The Rock I dunno man, the babyfaces have won every match tonight and it’s been all the obvious winners, so we might be ripe for a big swerve here. Although Rock’s cancer-stricken mom is in the audience watching tonight, so that’s probably not a good sign for Punk. Slugfest to start and Rock blasts out of the corner with the clothesline and puts Punk on the floor, and Rock’s already prepping the tables. Punk then UNPREPS the table, which is tremendous. They continue brawling on the floor while the crowd suddenly heels on Rock with a Punk chant, until Heyman goes after Rocky like a weasel to draw boos again. Punk continues his love-hate relationship with the poor Spanish announce table, and back in for a bodyscissors on the mat. Rock slugs back, so Punk puts him down with a knee for two. Punk wraps him up on the mat again and cuts off another Rock comeback attempt and goes to the ribs, then suplexes Rock onto the top rope for two. Heyman with another cheapshot and Punk adds a springboard dropkick and follows with a double axehandle to the floor, hurting his knee in the process. Back in, Rock goes to the knee, but Punk tosses him again and hits him with a suicide dive. Back in, Punk misses a flying clothesline and Rock goes to work on the knee and hits a legsweep for two. Go 2 Sleep time, but Rock reverses into the Sharpshooter, which Punk reverses into the Anaconda Vice. Rock rolls him over for two and follows with the DDT, but Punk reverses the Rock Bottom into a crucifix. Rock reverses that into the Scorpion King Deathlock, but Punk powers himself to the ropes. Rock puts him on the floor and once again preps the table, but the table collapses before they can do the awesome GTS-Rock Bottom reversal spot. I bet Vince fires that table after the show. THAT TABLE WILL NEVER GET INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME! So Rock hits the Rock Bottom on the floor instead, which is just as good. Back in, Punk hits the high kick out of nowhere and both guys are out. Slugfest and the fans are still divided, but Rock makes the comeback with the spinebuster and People’s Elbow. And then the lights go out. Michael Cole accuses the Shield of powerbombing Rock through the table in the darkness, but WHERE’S THE PROOF?! I’d hardly call Michael Cole a reliable witness. In fact eyewitness testimony is notoriously unreliable, and Punk himself once again denies involvement with the Shield while dragging Rock back into the ring. And Punk RETAINS AT 21:35?!?!? But then Vince appears, ready to strip Punk of the title, but Rock doesn’t want to go out that way. So the match restarts and Punk hits the running knee and flying elbow for two. GTS is reversed to the spinebuster and People’s Elbow, and Rock wins the WWE title to end the 434 days of Punk. No complaints about the body of work here, as Rock worked hard for a guy who hasn’t wrestled since last April and they were throwing out bigtime finisher reversal spots to pump up the crowd. I love Punk, but I love Rock more and sadly one guy had to lose and it might as well be the one who can always win it back from Cena after Wrestlemania. ***1/2 The Pulse If you were going into this expecting anything other than Cena winning the Rumble and Rock winning the title, you were setting yourself up for disappointment. Much like getting pregnant with a bastard child after a one night stand with Randy Orton, there’s nothing you can do to stop it so you might as well accept it. Thumbs up, but yeah, I felt a certain tinge of disappointment at seeing the inevitable march to the Wrestlemania rematch that nobody really wants, too.
Yes, folks, it’s your favorite Rock Star hosting the 2013 Royal Rumble. Let’s see if your predictions come true! As our beloved Princess always says, keep it clean!