Cold opening and we’re in Philly…wait.
Ah. It’s this episode.
Cold opening and we’re in Philly…wait.
Ah. It’s this episode.
MATCH #3: Erick Rowan (w/ Luke Harper) vs. Fandango
the Suddenly Evil Because Reasons Eric Rowan vs. The New and Improved
Fandango You Know What Nevermind. JBL, Cole and Booker argue over how
fast Rowan will win, guess 2 minutes or under because this is a thing
now. Rowan destroys Fandango and hits a Full Nelson Slam for the win at
around 36 seconds.
WINNER: Erick Rowan
RATING: n/a – squash. I didn’t care about Rowan before. I don’t care for him now. As a tag team, Rowan and Harper can kick a whole lot of ass. Let’s do that instead of 15 straight solo squashes week after week. Anyhow, this whole match has an Island of Misfit Toys feel, starring a bunch of WWE’s failed experiments.
Post-match, it’s a Rowan/Harper beatdown.
NEXT: Cena will beat a mid-carder.
LAST WEEK: Bret Hart introduced Sami Zayn who lost to John Cena, got injured and won’t return to WWE for weeks to come.
graces us with his presence and is thrilled because the arena seems to
cheer for him. He talks up the Franklin Mint United States Commemorative
Championship and lists all the people he’s beaten to keep it. The Cena
U.S. Open is…uh…open…and the challenger is…
Neville. To almost no pop.
MATCH #4: John Cena (champion) vs. Neville (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship
two men exchange holds and wrist locks and armbars for the first couple
of minutes. Cena hits a shoulderblock and side headlock as JBL says
that Cena “could have anyone…like Harper and Rowan”. Neville breaks
the hold and sends Cena outside. When we come back, NOBODY IS IN
CONTROL! Cena hits Move #1 but Neville kicks out of #3 and sends Cena
out of the ring, following with a nice Baseball Slide Kick. Neville
follows that up with a beautiful Springboard 450 Splash. Back in the
ring, Neville gets a two count. A few counters later and Cena hits #3
and goes for the 5KS, hitting it. He goes for the AA but Neville kicks
free and kicks Cena in the face. Neville hits ANOTHER beautiful 450
Splash but only gets a near fall. The two men exchange punches and
Neville hits some quick low kicks before Cena grabs Neville for a nice
Michinoku Driver for two. Cena sets up the AA again but Neville counters
into a pin for two. Cena puts Neville in the corner. Neville jumps over
Cena and does some backflips. He hits a cross body but Cena counters
into an AA which Neville counters. Neville hits an Enzuguri and NEARLY
gets another fall. He goes for the Red Arrow but Cena counters into the
STF. Neville counters that and nearly gets another fall. Cena
gets to his feet and hits a quick clothesline and both men are weary.
Cena rushes at Neville but Neville dodges and kicks Cena. Cena grabs
Neville anyhow and hits an AA. 1…2…NO. Both men are on their backs
and struggle to get up. Cena is on his feet first as Neville rolls
outside the ropes. Cena grabs Neville and puts him on his shoulders,
climbing to the second buckle…but Neville counters into a Falling
Powerbomb! 1…2…NO. Neville gets up and goes for the Red Arrow and
hits it…and Rusev fuck this entire thing up by interfering for the DQ
finish at 14:42. Fuck this fucking show.
WINNER: Neville via DQ
RATING: I’ll go ***3/4. I hate run-in finishes but that fit. This would have been an easy ***** on any PPV.
Rusev stomps a mudhole in Cena and puts him in the Accolade and Neville
doesn’t do a thing about it because he’s dead some place. Meanwhile,
the crowd chants “WE WANT LANA”.
STILL TO COME:
and Reigns make their way to the ring. Kane immediately attacks Reigns
as he gets over the crowd barrier and just beats him up, slamming his
head into the steel steps. When Kane tosses Reigns into the ring, Reigns
hits a Sagat-like Tiger Uppercut and goes back outside to deal with
Kane. Kane regroups and tosses Reigns between the edge of the mat and
the crowd barrier. Reigns is left laying on the floor and starts taking
apart the announce table. Reigns gets up and fights back, trying the
Superman Punch, finally hitting it after a few counters. He hits a Spear
that was obviously meant to break the announce table but it didn’t and
Cole’s forced to hold his orgasm. Reigns awkwardly climbs the announce
table…and does nothing. His music hits and Kane is still down, having
proved…something to Triple H, I guess.
NEXT: Daniel Bryan is here to talk about his neck.
LAST WEEK: Tamin Snuka made an arbitrary return due to overwhelming demand. Her and Naomi beat up the Bellas, who are heels, kinda.
MATCH #5: Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) vs. Tamina Snuka (w/ Naomi)
plugs the WWE App, telling us to tune in so we can see what the Bellas
think about Naomi. Tamina gained some weight during her off-time and botches a punch to Brie’s gut.
Tamina hits a clothesline and gets a one-count as Nikki says
inspirational stuff like, “C’mon, Brie, fight”. Brie regains composure
and hits a nice missile dropkick for two. Brie hits a running knee
against the ropes but can’t hit a second one, which she always tries for. Tamina blocks her and hits a Superkick for the win at 3:34.
WINNER: Tamina Snuka
TONIGHT: Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins
Axel is waiting for Damien Sandow. They’re fighting because Axel
imitated Hulk Hogan and Damien Sandow imitated Randy Savage. It’s like two drag queens jockeying for stage time.
MATCH #6: Curtis Axel vs. Macho Mandow
Sandow is out with Savage’s theme music and costume — and Cole has a
HASHTAG FOR IT. Sandow points like Savage. Axel rips off his shirt but
Mandow hits shoulderblocks and goes top rope for the big elbow…but The
Ascension shows up because why the fuck not? Viktor says that this
isn’t entertaining. Konnor takes the ironic route and says that
“dressing like a legend doesn’t make you a legend”. They rush the ring
— but Sandow dumps Konnor and slams Viktor to the mat. Axel hits a
Hogan Legdrop. And this is DOA. JBL, Cole and Booker sit there, stunned,
saying, “Well…that was…something.”
WINNERS: No contest
RATING: DUD. The Ascension was just buried by Curtis Axel and Damien Sandow imitating Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage while they, themselves, imitate the Legion of Doom. My brain is gonna short circuit.
Post-match, it’s a Pseudo Mega Powers handshake. Yay?
Bryan is out to speak and looks none too happy. He says that he’s had a
bunch of doctor visits in the last two weeks. He is sick of that and
wants some energy. He says that he needed to come out here and get his
usual reaction. He recalls when Steph stripped him of the World Title
last year…and she was right to do it. He says that the fans deserve a
fighting champion — and that’s why he’s out here tonight. He says that
he had an MRI and that the doctors are telling him that he’s out
indefinitely. Despite that, he says the fans deserve somebody fighting
for the IC Championship — and has to invoke the name of Dean Ambrose in
order to get fans cheering. Tonight, he is giving up the
Intercontinental Championship. He thanks the fans and leaves the belt in
the center of the ring. The crowd chants “THANK YOU, DANIEL” and Bryan
rewards them by leading a YES chant to finish that segment.
Cole, JBL and Booker are depressed and discuss WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
New Day’s music hits but the crowd is dead. Eventually, it’s a “NEW DAY
SUCKS” chant that brings them back. The three men talk about the tag
teams in contention for the titles and try another “NEW DAY ROCKS”
chant. It doesn’t work and Cesaro and Kidd interrupt with Nattie’s Giant
Bewbz already having been there for 20 minutes.
MATCH #7: Big E (w/ Xavier Woods & Kofi Kingston) vs. Cesaro (w/ Tyson Kidd & Natalya)
continues calling Cesaro and Tyson “Tyson & Kidd” as Cesaro hits a
HUGE slam to start things off. Cesaro hits an uppercut and huge
crossbody off the top rope for two. Cesaro beats E in the corner with
kicks, then clotheslines him from the ring. After a commercial break,
Cesaro fights out of an Abdominal Stretch only to fall victim to another
one. Cesaro counters with a Gut Wrench Suplex but E hits a Spinebuster.
He misses a Warrior Splash but hits ANOTHER Warrior Splash and gets
two. E hits a shoulder tackle for two. Cesaro comes back with a
Springboard Uppercut and two German Suplexes, followed by a dangerous
looking Belly to Belly that sees Big E landing on the back of his neck.
Cesaro goes for a Spin. Woods jumps on the mat and him and Tyson Kidd
fight each other. Finally, Woods trips Kidd and taunts Cesaro. E tries
to clothesline Cesaro but Cesaro counters an hits a neat cradle pin for
the three count at 8:54.
**. Good power match here. Cesaro just continues to look impressive,
even if you think you’ve seen everything he’s had to offer.
WWE Network is free for the month of May…so tune in to see Macho Mandow and Curtis Axel take on The Ascension.
If you think that’s fucked,
OMG, another PPV has been added this month: Elimination Chamber, live
from Texas on Sunday, May 31st. Shouldn’t that have been Fastlane? Yeah.
This isn’t desperate at all.
THIS THURSDAY: Roman Reigns vs. Kane because the match nobody wanted to see in the first place MUST HAPPEN.
Prime Time Players imitate D-X because we haven’t had enough of this
tonight. Parts of the crowd sadly chant along with the old D-X shit.
Bray Wyatt time. Wyatt comes to the ring and goes Alex Jones nuts,
talking about Climate Change and economic collapse and global war. When
he’s done with the Coast 2 Coast nonsense, he trashes Ryback for
reading The Secret and fighting against injury to “come back”. But
Ryback has never seen anything like Bray Wyatt. He says that,
sometimes, the bad guy wins. He does the Raven…until Ryback shows up
and heads to the ring. Ryback hits a Spinebuster and clothesline and
Wyatt is dispatched outside. We go to break with Ryback standing tall.
MATCH #8: Randy Orton vs. WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins (non-title)
J&J “flank” for this match. After some back and forth, Rollins hits
some shots to Orton’s head and gut. Orton responds, tossing Rollins to
the mat and into the corner. Orton knocks him down and drops a knee for
two. He misses the next one but hits a backbreaker. He rushes Rollins
but Rollins trips him and sends him outside. When we come back, Rollins
is in control while Cole recaps what might happen in a Fatal 4-Way in
case you haven’t watched wrestling since the late 90’s. Rollins tosses
Orton into the corner and runs but Orton dumps Rollins over the ropes.
Rollins recovers and goes top rope but Orton trips him up. Orton hits a
Superplex but both men are hurt. When they get to their feet, it’s
“boo/yay” shots. Orton tries a Powerslam in stride but Rollins holds the
ropes. Rollins leaps at Orton from the top rope and Orton hits the
Powerslam anyhow. Two count. Rollins dazes Orton and hits a flying knee
from the top rope. Two count. Rollins tries the Buckle Bomb but Orton
counters it. There’s a series of counters and Orton finally hits a
Fisherman’s Suplex throw. Orton goes after Rollins but Rollins kicks
Orton and hits a Suicide Dive to the outside. For some reason, eight
guys in the crowd chant, “THIS IS AWESOME”. Back in the ring, Rollins
tries to splash Orton in the corner but misses. Orton misses an RKO.
Rollins rolls him up for two, then hits a low Superkick for two. Both
men struggle to theri feet. Rollins gets to feet first. He rushes Orton
but Orton sends Rollins outside the ropes for a Vintage DDT. He sets up
for the RKO but J&J Security are here to fuck this up at 15:19.
WINNER: Randy Orton via DQ
RATING: **. Just have J&J at ringside if you’re gonna end it like that.
Rollins and J&J put Orton to the mat. Kane’s music hits. He goes
for a chair. Rollins & J&J stomp a mudhole in Orton. Ambrose and
Reigns show up, tossing J&J from the ring. They surround Rollins.
Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds. The three Fatal 4-Way competitors turn to face
Kane. Kane does nothing. Ambrose picks up Rollins and holds him for
Reigns. Reigns hits a Spear. Kane still stands there, watching. Ambrose
and Reigns pick Rollins up for Orton who hits an RKO. Kane still doesn’t
move…so Reigns hits a Spear on Orton. That means Ambrose gets to hit
Dirty Deeds on Reigns and Ambrose stands tall as we go off the air.
**. Blah for a “going home” show. Nowhere near as good as last week
with a bunch of shit matches and a brilliant Cena/Neville match. That
one match does not, a good show, make.
And, of course, it’s the best of Monday Night Open Mic…
Saxton is backstage with Lana. Lana says that she doesn’t know anything
about the crowd loving her lately. Fandango shows up and tells her to
“feel it”. Rusev shows up and yells in Russian. Lana leaves with him.
Rusev and Fandango are next.
MATCH #4: Fandango vs. Rusev (w/ Lana)
So, we did watch the same show. Just checking. The same one where Reigns and Show actually turned out to be the best match on the card? Yep. Sounds like the same show to me.
Is this what it’s come to? We look up at all that and say, “Eh…acceptable”?
wonder why I watch the show. I watch it because it’s been better than
this…and because I write for this and two other blogs and they expect
some sort of output concerning the subject. I know most of you know that
what we’re being given is aggravating as it is frustrating. I also know
that most of you know it’s hard to admit that what you’re watching
sucks “arse”, if I may.
BTW…if Bray Wyatt acknowledges that Bo Dallas is his brother, as has been rumored, just remember who the fuck suggested that shit.
We get a video montage of King of the Ring, a tournament that’s SO important, it took a five-year hiatus!
We are LIVE(!!!) from Green Bay, Wisconsin!!!
JBL, Cole and Booker are the guys on the mics.
Cole gives us our KOTR ladder:
Seth Rollins leads us off, followed to the ring by J&J
Security and Kane. Everyone is friends despite Kane chokeslamming the
shit out of all three guys he’s standing next to. Rollins says that
Orton learned what everyone has known for a long time: you cannot
outsmart Seth Rollins. He built and destroyed The Shield and he cashed
in the MITB case at the right time to become champ. He’s a fighting
champion, a valiant champion. The crowd tries a “WHAT” chant and, also,
“YOU SUCK”. But, hey, they graduated from “YOU SOLD OUT”, so that’s
good. Rollins takes all credit for his win. Kane looks incredulous.
Rollins says he hit an “SKO OUT OF NOWHERE”, much to the amusement of
his kiss-ass security guys. Most of all, he’d like to thank Kane for
being the “Crypt Keeper”. He stutters and says he didn’t mean to say
that. Kane isn’t a “relic”. Rollins says he did a good job guarding
Kane isn’t happy and says, without him,
Orton would be champion — especially since Rollins cheated and used the
banned RKO to win the match. And there’s WWE’s giant middle finger to
the fans. They exchange un-pleasantries — until Orton shows up at the
top of the ramp.
Orton points out that even Kane says
that Rollins cheated to win last night — so that means that Orton
should get another shot at the title. Orton appeals to Kane — who says
that Orton has a point.
Reigns interrupts for more
talking, walking down the first and only deck of this tiny little WCW
Saturday Night-sized arena. Rollins wants to know why Reigns is out
here. Reigns says that Rollins is missing his “giant” — and that’s
because he put him through a table and dumped another table on top of
him. He says it’s HIS turn to get a title shot. Crowd’s not happy about
that. Rollins does a sarcastic cheer and says that both Reigns and Orton
lost to him — so neither guy deserves a shot at the title.
clears his throat to interrupt. He says that both Orton and Reigns make
compelling arguments. So, hold on a second, playa! Tonight, it’s
Rollins and Kane vs. Orton and Reigns — and the fans will decide who
Rollins defends the title against at Payback.
Kane’s music hits and I’m half-hoping the REAL Kane comes out to trash everyone involved with this mess of an opening segment.
NEXT: Ziggler vs. Barrett in the first match of the KOTR tourney.
MATCH #1: Dolph Ziggler vs. Bad News Barrett (1st Round of the King of the Ring Tournament)
attacks but Barrett trips him up, kicking Ziggler in the legs. He beats
Ziggler in the corner, then hits a running elbow off the ropes. He
drops an elbow and stomps at Ziggler and whips him into the ropes.
Ziggler kicks Barrett and dropkicks him. Barrett rolls out of the ring.
After a break, Barrett has Ziggler in a headlock. Ziggler breaks and
fights back with clotheslines and a
Stinger Splash in the corner. Barrett
catches Ziggler in mid-air on a follow up but Ziggler rolls him up for
two. Barrett goes for the Fireman’s Carry of Doom but Ziggler counters
into a DDT for two. Barrett comes back, slinging Ziggler into the
corner, then hits the Wasteland. Two count. He misses a Bullhammer and
Ziggler counters with a Superkick. Close two count. Sheamus shows up in,
what I’m sure, is the first of many screwjob finishes. He yells at
Ziggler to remember last night when Ziggler kissed some “arse”.
Distraction. Bullhammer. Done at 8:17.
WINNER: Barrett via Bullhammer
**. Nothing special, plus it’s really getting hard to rate matches
positively when they’re interrupted with loads of commercials.
Sheamus grins as he realizes that his mission is accomplished.
TONIGHT: The tag team match with Kane and Rollins vs. Reigns and Orton
NEXT: The New Day.
New Day are out, feeling great. Nobody cares until Woods declares them
champs and thanks all his “clappers”. Woods tries to transform “NEW DAY
SUCKS” into “NEW DAY ROCKS” but the crowd isn’t buying it.
MATCH #2: Big E (w/ Xavier Woods & Kofi Kingston) vs. Tyson Kidd (w/ Cesaro & Natalya)
back and forth sees Kidd kicking E in the head and hitting a
Springboard Missile Dropkick. E bails from the ring. Kidd chases and
kicks E in the face. He tosses E back in and runs at him. E hits a weak
clothesline — and WINS?! Are you fucking serious? Wow. Talk about your
major falls from grace. Time was 1:21.
WINNER: Big E
DUD. I’d say that this was a squash and shouldn’t count but seeing as
though these guys were major competitors and opponents as of just last fucking night, that’s just complete bullshit.
LAST NIGHT: Cena and Rusev played Slap the Turnbuckles and Rusev lost. ‘Murica!
AT PAYBACK: John Cena vs. Rusev for the United States Championship because Russian Chain Matches don’t solve anything.
TONIGHT: Cena invites another mid-carder to job to him.
NEXT: Ryback in action.
When we come back, Bo Dallas is introduced as Ryback’s opponent. Dallas
says that Ryback’s actions at Extreme Rules were “reprehensible”. He
calls the Wisconsin fans “cheeseheads” and says that Ryback can walk
away right now in order to clear his name.
MATCH #3: Ryback vs. Bo Dallas
mandhandles Dallas. Dallas trips him up and beats on him, laying the
ring’s side matte over him. Headlock by Dallas. Ryback breaks. Dallas
goes to a buckle and flies at Ryback, who catches him in a Spinebuster.
Ryback hits a Meathook and Shell Shock to complete the squash at 2:17.
WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: n/a – squash
Wyatt’s video edit hits and the arena goes dark. Another edit and
Bray’s standing behind Ryback. Ryback turns and runs at Bray, who
catches him and hits Sister Abigail in one deft move. He does the Raven
as we go to commercial.
NEXT: Cena wants somebody to beat him. Please?
Cena’s out to yack a bit. Cena says he beat Rusev last night and the
CHAMP IS HERE — just in case anyone missed Extreme Rules. He calls the
chain match “brutal” when it was anything but. He says that Lana somehow
got another match out of The Authority. Then he basically says that
Rusev has a “pimp hand”. Nobody reacts. Cena says that he “kids” about
spousal abuse. Anyhow, he’ll never surrender and all that. You’d think
that would be it but, no. Cena hits the cheap pop with a Vince Lombardi
reference. The challenge is open and the person taking the
bait challenge is:
Heath Slater. I need more fuckin’ wine. This beer isn’t doing shit.
more? SLATER WANTS TO FUCKING TALK. Slater says he’s going to take
advantage of a “crushed John Cena”…yet, if Slater wins here, it would not surprise
me. He says he’s better than Aaron Rodgers. Rusev comes in out of
nowhere and knocks Slater down, then Superkicks him…soooo, we’re not
having the match then?
Lana shows up and SHE has a mic.
Rusev grabs the mic and tells her to back off and go backstage. She
does. Crowd wants Lana as Rusev screams at everyone and tells them that
they’re all quitters. At Payback, Cena will quit, too. After Payback,
he’ll be saying “I Quit”. Oh, and there’s the Russian flag.
Kane’s pacing. Rollins shows up and he wants “clarification” about the
“fan decision”. Kane says it’s gonna be the WWE App that settles
everything. Rollins asks if Kane’s out of his mind. Kane gets in
Rollins’ face. Rollins says that Triple H and Steph will have something
to say about this. Kane says that Rollins carries himself like he’s “the
man”. Kane says that he thought Rollins could handle himself, no matter
what. The choices are:
Rollins yells some more.
MATCH #4: R-Truth vs. Stardust (1st Round of the King of the Ring Tournament)
hits a quick flipping cover for a one count. Star comes back with some
stomps, then kicks Truth in the head. Two count. Star kicks Truth in the
head after laying down. Star claws at Truth’s face and yanks at his
arm. Truth breaks but Star tosses Truth to the ring and does a
cartwheel. BOOKER: “What was that?” COLE: “Cartwheel.” BOOKER: “I know
that, but, WHY?!” Star yells at the crowd. Truth hits a kick to the
Star’s head. Two count. Star hits a Russian Legsweep. Two count. Counter
pins for a couple two counts. Star goes for the Disaster Kick but Truth
counters with the Lie Detector — and wins?! What alternate universe am
I in here?
WINNER: R-Truth via Lie Detector at 3:14
1/4*, if that. Look, I get that the mid-card is supposed to be
supporting the show but don’t give me raw cookie dough and tell me that
this is fully cooked.
STILL TO COME: The big tag match
MATCH #5: Adam Rose (w/ Rosebuds) vs. Fandango
running around and Fandango hits a dropkick. Rose bails from the ring,
then trips Fandango when he chases. Rose gets back in and chokes
Fandango on the middle rope. Rose taunts the crowd with the Fandango.
Fandango hits chops and tosses Rose from the ring. He hits a NICE
flipping splash, nailing Rose and landing on his feet. Impressive. Oh,
but, Rosa’s there to distract Fandango so that Rose can hit the Party
Foul and win the match at 1:49. Right when you thought Fandango had
escaped this bullshit and started to climb the ladder back into
contention. Here we go again.
WINNER: Adam Rose via Party Foul
RATING: DUD. Are you surprised?
Post-match, Rosa taunts Fandango, drifting around some sort of pseduo-accent. She makes out with Adam Rose.
Young is backstage with Brie Bella. Brie talks up Daniel Bryan and how
he would compete at anytime. WWE cares about Daniel Bryan. Naomi shows
up and pops Brie in the mouth, then declares that WWE doesn’t care about
Brie or Bryan. Mm-k.
MATCH #6: Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) vs. Naomi
hits a couple presses and the two women yank at each other’s hair.
Naomi comes back with a forearm, then stomps at Brie. She bulldogs Brie
into the buckle and hits a backbreaker. Two count. Naomi chews gum as
her evil LED SHOES OF DOOM change color. What is this gimmick supposed
to be anyhow? Naomi hits a Legdrop and covers for two. Chinlock of Doom
is put on. Bie finally breaks and tosses Naomi into the corner. Brie and
Naomi fly at each other and do…something. Both women are down. They
get up. Brie hits a clothesline and dropkick, followed by a knee to the
gut. Brie hits a knee to the face and missile dropkick. Two count. Naomi
elbows Brie in the jaw and rolls her up for the win at 3:37.
RATING: 1/2 a *. At least it was short.
STILL TO COME: The tag team match.
ALSO: Vote for the main event at Payback.
Dean Ambrose is out for a match as Cole reminds us that Harper and Ambrose stole a car last night.
MATCH #7: Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus (1st Round of the King of the Ring Tournament)
The Kiss Me Arse match is over and I’m still
hearing the word “arse” about six times too many. Ambrose and Sheamus
exchange lock-ups and headlocks and holds and, finally, Sheamus hits a
shoulderblock. Ambrose tries to trip Sheamus and ends up putting Sheamus
into a leglock. He locks Sheamus into an armlock but Sheamus fights
out. Sheamus hits an uppercut. The two trade shots until Ambrose puts
Sheamus into the corner, clotheslining him. Ambrose tries a Bulldog but
Sheamus counters it. Ambrose knocks Sheamus out of the ring and tries
for the Flying Psycho but Sheamus evades that. After a break, Ambrose
breaks a headlock, but Sheamus hits a knee to the gut. Sheamus taunts
Ambrose with kicks to his head. Finally, Ambrose manages to hit the
Rebound Clothesline, but both men are down. After getting up, it’s a
fistfight with Ambrose getting the best of it. Sheamus finally grabs
Ambrose and slams him to the mat. Sheamus calls for the Brogue but
misses. Ambrose rolls him up at two.
Ambrose, but Ambrose sidesteps and Sheamus leaves the ring. Ambrose hits
the Flying Psycho, then tosses Sheamus back into the ring. Ambrose goes
top rope but Sheamus evades, then grabs Ambrose for a shoulderbreaker
for two. Sheamus goes for White Noise but Ambrose counters. Two count.
Sheamus hits the Cloverleaf — but Ambrose forces a break. Ambrose is
outside the ring ropes. Sheamus goes for the Ten Beats but Ambrose
fights out and drops Sheamus’s neck on the top rope. Ambrose hits a nice
elbow off the top rope, NEARLY getting the fall. Sheamus rolls out of
the ring and Ambrose chases. The two men fight outside with Ambrose
killing Sheamus with ringpost shots. Sheamus hits the Brogue. So Ziggler
suddenly shows up to attack Sheamus, sending him to the next round at
12:34, which makes no fucking sense, but that’s par for the course as of
WINNER: Sheamus via DQ
RATING: **3/4. Would have been *** if it wasn’t for the ill-timed DQ spot.
Post-match, Ambrose is furious.
TONIGHT: The big tag match.
ALSO: Vote for the Payback main event.
Sandow is in the ring. He goes into old school Sandow mode and begs the
crowd’s indulgence. He says he’s not gonna lie to anyone. He came out
here in a blue bathrobe and that ended badly. He was told he wasn’t
“entertaining”. That’s when he started to imitate people. He settled
into Miz-dow. That caused him much disrespect and, ironically, respect
with the WWE Universe. He thanks the fans for their support and says
that, without them, he wouldn’t be there today. He asks what’s
next…and Curtis Axel shows up.
Aaaaand, he has a mic.
He insults Sandow for trying to be somebody else. Axel imitates Hogan.
Miz-dow imitates Axel imitating Hogan, then imitates Axel. The crowd is
amused by all of this. Axel tells Sandow to leave the “Axe-man’s ring”.
Sandow imitates that, too. Boy, this went south quick. Axel attacks.
Sandow fights back and then does the Hogan “ear” move. He goes for the
Atomic Legdrop but does the People’s Elbow instead.
ON SMACKDOWN: Cesaro and Kidd take on The New Day for the WWE Tag Team Championship in a rematch.
Bray Wyatt does a needless promo, seeing as though we already know who he attacked.
THIS WEEK: WWE Network has stuff that nobody in their right mind would watch.
ALSO: Dweebs send in their videos, hoping to be Tough Enough hopefuls.
MATCH #8: Neville vs. Luke Harper (1st Round of the King of the Ring Tournament)
hits a nice Hurricarana to throw Harper from the ring. About 37
counters later, Neville hits a nice Frankensteiner. Neville goes for a
dropkick but Harper blocks it and covers for a two count. After a four
minute break, Harper is in control which is broken. Neville tosses
Harper out of the ring but rushes back in. Neville evades his boot in
the corner and hits a Springboard Moonsault, tosses Harper back in the
ring and gets two following a Standing Shooting Star Press. Harper takes
over again and goes for the Sitting Powerbomb but Neville counters into
a German Suplex in stride. Neville tries a Frankensteiner but Harper
counters with the Sitting Powerbomb for two. Harper picks Neville up but
Neville fights back with a punch to the face. Harper beats Neville in
the corner. He puts Neville on the top buckle but Neville fights out and
kicks Harper in the face. Neville hits a nice Super Powerbomb and hits
the Red Arrow for the win at 10:12.
WINNER: Neville via Red Arrow
RATING: ***. Good match.
TOMORROW ON THE KING OF THE RING SPECIAL:
PLEASE VOTE: The Main Event at Payback
#9: Roman Reigns & Randy Orton vs. Kane & WWE World Heavyweight
Champion Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security – Jamie Noble & Joey
Reigns and Rollins start. Several arm bars and
counters later, Rollins is taken down and he rolls outside the ring.
Rollins gets back in and Reigns hits a Tilt-a-Whirl Slam. Orton tags in
and drops Rollins on the top rope. After some stomping, Reigns
tags back in, putting Rollins on his shoulders. Rollins escapes and
bails, tagging in Kane. Reigns drops Kane to the mat. Orton tags in and
Kane beats on him, then drags him to the heel corner. Rollins tags in,
stomping at Orton. Rollins dumps Orton to the outside of the ring. After
a break, Rollins has Orton in a headlock. Orton fights out but Rollins
clotheslines him to take him down for two. Rollins picks Orton up and
clotheslines him a couple times. Kane applauds because their friends
again. Orton comes back with a belly to belly suplex. Hot tags on both
sides. Reigns takes Kane down with clotheslines and ten punches in the
corner. Clothesline off the top rope. Samoan Drop to Rollins who tries
to run interference.
The fight spills outside and Kane
regains control, shoving Reigns into the ringpost. Both men get back
into the ring. Kane whips Reigns into the buckle and tags Rollins.
Rollins stomps at Reigns. Reigns fights back but Rollins hits a kick and
Reigns goes down. Two count. Tag to Kane. Sidewalk Slam for two. Bear
Hug but Reigns breaks. Kane kicks him down. Two count. Tag to Rollins.
Mudhole stomps. Tag to Kane and him and Reigns trade shots. Hot tag to
Rollins who nails Reigns and tries to splash him in the corner. Reigns
evades, slams Rollins to the mat and it’s a hot tag to Orton. Orton
misses the first powerslam but hits the second one. Kane comes in and
tries to Chokeslam Reigns. Reigns breaks it and dispatches Kane. Reigns
hits a Superman Punch on Joey Mercury. All hell breaks loose with Orton
hitting the Elevated DDT on Rollins. Orton goes for the RKO but Rollins
rolls him up for two. Orton gets up but Rollins hits a kick to Orton’s
head. Everyone ends up outside except for Rollins. Rollins leaps at
everyone and hits J&J and Kane. J&J involve themselves. Kane
beats up J&J and then uppercuts Rollins, rolling him back into the
ring. Reigns hits a Superman Punch and Orton finishes Rollins with an
RKO to win this thing a 18:40.
WINNERS: Randy Orton & Roman Reigns
***. The main flaw was that the match didn’t need to be anywhere near
20 minutes long. There is a nice satisfaction, however, of Rollins
eating an RKO to end this thing.
Post-match, Kane reveals that Rollins will face:
Randy Orton & Roman Reigns in a Triple Threat Match. Surprise.
Rollins is not happy. Reigns hits a Spear on Rollins. Everyone goes home happy as we go off the air.
**1/4. Not a bad show. The first half of this thing was junk but it
recovered which is ironic, since RAW never seems to do that. The thing
that’s missing is that each episode doesn’t appear to be “about”
something. It has no personality past being a bunch of matches with a
couple marquee bouts.
Er, that’s it.
Warriors and Pelicans are on…and it’s a good game. Shame I can’t flip back and forth seeing as how all my DVR spots are taken.
Er, that’s it.
Happy MLB Opening Day to everyone.
I apologize for the lateness of this recap. We had a late night last night and we got in and pretty much fell asleep from a long day. In any case, I will hand the thing off next time. I really, honestly, thought I would be awake enough to get it done as I usually do.
Byron Saxton is in for the pretty-much-dead Michael Cole and he’s joined by JBL and Booker.
JBL: “I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS THIS WEEK!!! I HAD SURGERY AND I’M HERE!!!” (LONG, VERY uncomfortable silence.)
Rollins is in the ring with Kane and J&J Security. Big Show joins
them. Crowd won’t stop booing. Big Show reminds us that this “our
champion”, the guy who got a huge pop just because he was beating up
Roman Reigns. Rollins says that the biggest takeaway from WrestleMania
wasn’t the large attendance or the Twitter “trend” record. It was that
they always wins. He reminds us that Triple H and Show both went over at
WrestleMania. He tries to pump up Kane by saying, “Kane was THERE!”
Show pumps up Rollins as the new champ, then kisses his ass. Rollins
tries to talk up Kane again, but Randy Orton interrupts.
here to remind everyone that he BEAT Rollins at WrestleMania. He wants
the Championship and asks Kane to grant the match. Kane says that,
tonight, there will be a Triple Threat Match to determine the #1
Contender for the match at Extreme Rules. It will feature: Roman Reigns,
Ryback for some reason and Randy Orton. But, Orton’s got another
match…against him. Rollins isn’t happy at all.
The clicking sound you hear is everyone switching to Better Call Saul.
MATCH #1: Kane vs. Randy Orton
hits a couple clotheslines in the corner, then puts Kane in another
corner, but get gets sent outside by a Kane uppercut. When we come back
from break, Kane boots Orton and pins him for two. He clotheslines Orton
in the corner, beats on him and hits a Sidewalk Slam for two. Kane hits
a suplex and gets two. Kane tries a Chokeslam but Orton breaks the hold and kicks Kane outside the ring. He goes for the Elevated DDT and hits it.
Orton goes for the RKO but Kane leaves the ring. Orton chases and beats
Kane against the barricade…so, Kane retaliates with a chair and it’s a
DQ at 9:01 which didn’t feel that long at all thanks to five minutes of
Popeye’s ads and commercials for 5 Gum.
WINNER: Randy Orton via DQ
1/2*. Arbitrary, pointless and DOA and went nowhere before an abrupt,
shitty end. What do Kane and Big Show have on Triple H and Vince right
now? Why did Orton not go over here?!
Post-match, both guys almost hit their big moves, then break away from one another.
Speaking of pointless and arbitrary:
TONIGHT: Ryback faces Luke Harper
ALSO: Roman Reigns vs. Big Show
Byron and the guys address AJ’s
Backstage, Brad Maddox is talking to Kane who yells at Maddox. Then Rollins shows up to yell at Kane because Kane’s not the
“Director of Operations”…? Anyhow, Rollins is tired of Kane “not
getting it”: they’re supposed to be protecting Rollins. Kane reminds
Rollins that Rollins wouldn’t even be champion without his help at Money
in the Bank. Kane says that it’s his job to book Rollins against a
“viable opponent” at Extreme Rules. Rollins says it’s probably time for
Kane to step down from Director of Operations and that Triple H and
Steph would agree with him. Kane says that Triple H and Steph are on
vacation in the “South Pacific with no internet or cell phone
connection”. What, did they travel to Rogers and Hammerstein’s South
Pacific? Rollins says that Kane will answer for his bullshit when they
get back. Kane retaliates and says that Rollins is in a match…NEXT!
Well, not really
“next”. Byron has to talk with JBL and Booker about Brock Lesnar going
into Hairless Wookie Rage last week and then we get clips of it.
Seth is out for his match — NEXT!
Oh, wait, now we get a commercial break. So, like, after that.
When we come back, Seth’s opponent is…Neville?!
We’re already ready to job Neville?! Jeebus in a canoe, this
show…Rollins sarcastically introduces him to the audience and has
Neville introduce himself. Neville doesn’t talk, so Rollins pretty much
calls him chicken shit and tells him to sit this out. Neville kicks him
MATCH #2: WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) vs. Neville (non-title)
hits a nice arm drag and rolls Rollins up for a one count. Rollins
comes back, knocking him to the mat with a shoulderblock. Rollins stomps
at him as JBL talks about “having surgery” for the 47th time. Neville
does his gymnastic flip routine and kicks Rollins in the face, then
sends him outside and leaps at him with a flipping splash. J&J tries
to attack but Neville gets back into the ring. After a break, Neville
and Rollins fight in the corner and Rollins trips him, sending him,
face-first, into the buckle. Two count. He chokes Neville against the
bottom rope as the crowd tries to pump Neville up. He makes a short
comeback but Rollins just whips him into the buckle and drops some knees
for two. Side headlock on Neville but Neville gets to his feet and
breaks. Series of counters and Rollins hits a quick Enzuguri for two.
Rollins hits a knee to the gut against the ropes as Booker says that
“Neville is a winner no matter what happens tonight.” Rollins punches
Neville in the face a bunch of times and it’s another headlock. Neville
fights out and hits a chinbreaker. Rollins whips him to the ropes and
Neville hits a lariat and kicks. Rollins comes back with a huge running
clothesline which flips Neville in a complete circle. It’s another two
count. The two trade shots but Rollins goes for the Buckle Bomb. Neville
counters it and goes for his finisher — but J&J get involved.
Neville manages to kick Mercury away from him but Rollins manages to get
up, grab Neville for the Buckle Bomb and Curb Stomp to close it at
WINNER: Seth Rollins via Curb Stomp
RATING: ***. Not a bad match but Neville barely seemed to have any offense for most of it.
Post-match, Rollins & J&J beat up Neville and taunt him because fuck the new guy.
TONIGHT: Triple Threat Match between Randy Orton, Roman Reigns and Ryback.
ALSO: John Cena REEEEEALLY doesn’t want the Franklin Mint ‘Murica Commemorative Plate Belt anymore! PLEASE TAKE IT!
Furious 7 is #1 at the Box Office this week. No surprise there.
comes John Cena for the “Open Challenge”. Cena pumps up the crowd, hits
a cheap city pop, brags about beating Rusev, CHAMP IS HERE, etc. He
says that Rusev wants a rematch with him at Extreme Rules. Cena says he
wants to have a Championship Match RIGHT HERE IN AUSTIN, TEXAS!!! He
says he’s not gonna just cough the belt up, though. He tells somebody to
come out and get some…and it’s fucking Stardust. The crowd reacts by
hitting the snack bar. Wow. Shouldn’t Neville have been booked here
MATCH #3: John Cena (champion) vs. Stardust (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship
chants for Cody who screams at them and tells them “IT’S STARDUST!”
Some heavy countering and Dust hits a Sunset Flip for two. Cena sends
him out of the ring but Star holds the top rope and flips back in. Cena
slams him and drops punches. He hits Move #1 and stops. Star backs off
and goes into a corner. Cena just tosses him around like a rag doll,
then hits a VERY delayed Vertical Suplex for two. Cena clotheslines
Star’s head off and gets two. Headlock by Cena. Star breaks but runs
into Cena’s shoulderblock which must be like running into a wall.
Finally, Star just rolls out of the ring and addresses the crowd. After a
break, we’re back to the latest Cena massacre. He has Star in the AA
but Star actually escapes, hits a buckle and dropkicks Cena, getting
two. Cena runs at Star in the corner but gets a boot to the face and can
barely pretend that hurt. Two count by Star. Star leaps at Cena again
and Cena counters with a sitting Powerbomb of sorts for two. Another AA
sees Star landing on his feet and hitting a quick Alabama Slam for two.
Star sets up his finisher but Cena comes back with a Falling Body Slam
for two. Cena sets up for the AA AGAIN but Star escapes for the third
time and hits a Sunset Flip for two. Cena gets up and hits Move #3. He
goes for the 5KS but Star kicks him and hits a DDT for two which we
recap about two or three times because NOBODY EVER DDT’S CENA! Star hits
a nice splash off the ropes and NEARLY gets a fall. Star runs at Cena
but Cena grabs his leg and hits the STF. Star escapes and hits Cross
Rhodes — NEARLY getting another fall. Cena instantly gets up and hits his brand-new movie, that goofy Springboard Stunner plus an AA to retain at 13:16.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: John Cena via AA
***. Complete mis-match on paper which translated to a crappy first
half. Got way better as it went along. The problem is that I really
didn’t believe, for one second, that Cena is in any danger.
STILL TO COME: The Triple Threat Match
TONIGHT: Reigns vs. Big Show
ALSO TONIGHT: Ryback vs. Luke Harper
MATCH #4: The Bella Twins (Brie Bella & WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella) vs. Naomi & Paige
and Brie start. They lock up and Brie slaps Paige who comes back,
pissed, clotheslining Brie. Paige charges the ropes but Nikki distracts
her. Brie knocks Paige out of the ring. She kicks at Paige and puts her
back into the ring, hitting the Drunken Knee or Brie Mode or whatever
we’re calling that. Brie puts on the CHINLOCK OF DOOM. Paige breaks but
gets tossed to the mat. Brie tags Nikki and the twins hit a double
suplex. Nikki puts Body Scissors on Paige, then breaks the hold and
struts around the ring. She slams Paige against the buckle, then runs at
her and misses. Hot tag to Naomi which gets nothing from the crowd.
Naomi works over Nikki, then knocks Brie off the mat. Naomi misses an
attack off the ropes and hits the fucking stupid Ass Bump. Brie comes
into the ring to help. Paige kicks Nikki’s head off, then ejects Brie
from the ring. Naomi hits a Leg Scissor DDT which, again, gets nothing
from the crowd. That seals it up at 5:14 as JBL says “FUNK IS ON A ROLL”
so many times, even my neighbor Tweets WWE to tell them to take JBL off
WINNERS: Naomi & Paige
RATING: 1/2 a *. I’m all for giving Divas a chance…but there’s nothing going on with them. We went from Nikki feuding with her sister to Brie suddenly not giving a shit about
her sister’s abuse to Nikki winning the title to Nikki feuding with
Paige to Nikki feuding with both AJ and Paige to…constant tag team
matches. I have a feeling this is the status quo until Total Divas
The Primetime Players cut a promo about how awful The New Day is.
MATCH #5: Ryback vs. Luke Harper
beats up Harper in the corner but Harper comes back with a quick
dropkick and uppercuts. One count. Ryback hits a Falling Press Slam but
runs into a Superkick on a failed Meathook attempt. JBL: “FEED ME MORE?
YEAH! THROUGH A STRAW!” Ryback falls outside and Harper goes after him,
beating up on him. He rolls Ryback into the ring but misses the
Clothesline From Hell. Ryback runs at him and Harper hits Winds of
Change for two. Harper hits a Crossface but Ryback breaks it and hits a
suplex. Shell Shock and we’re done at 2:34.
WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: *1/4. Routine squash.
The New Day is backstage with Renee who FINALLY acknowledges
that the fans are saying, “New Day sucks”. Kofi: “It hurts that they
say that…but we clap…or we SNAP…” Uh. Wut. Big E talks about
signing autographs. Because he can clap. Then they clap.
MATCH #6: The New Day (Xavier Woods & Big E) (w/ Kofi Kingston) vs. Lucha Dragons (Sin Cara & Kalisto)
still does the New Day clap. The crowd does the New Day Sucks chant.
So, this is the Painfully Ironic Day now, I guess. The New Day beats up
Cara in the corner with no mercy whatsoever. Woods puts a chinlock on
Cara but Cara breaks. Woods immediately hits some kicks to his gut and
gets a two count. Big E gets in and continues the beating. Cara manages
to flip over E and tag Kalisto who destroys Woods. E tries to attack but
Cara dumps him.. Woods tries a cheap roll-up but only gets two. Kalisto
hits his finisher, then dives at E and Kofi. Tag to Cara who hits the
Flying Reverse Senton for the win.
WINNERS: Lucha Dragons
RATING: **. Short match, but effective. Kalisto and Sin Cara are an impressive team.
NEXT: Roman Reigns vs. Big Show
MATCH #7: Roman Reigns vs. Big Show
feed cut out for part of this. It continues with Show choking Reigns
against the bottom rope. Reigns comes back with punches but Show just
grabs him and tosses him out of the ring. Show continues the beating
outside but gets tossed into the ringpost on a counter by Reigns. Reigns
dropkicks him in the head but Show comes back with a Spear. After break, Show has Reigns in the ring and hits a Side Suplex. Reigns gets to his feet because Show just walks around and/or stands there.
Reigns comes back with a kick in the corner but Show grabs him and hits
a Sidewalk Slam. Show goes for a Vader Bomb, hitting it perfectly. He
gets two. Reigns gets to his feet and Show kicks him out of the ring
again. Show follows, beats on him some more, then stands there and waits
for Reigns to wake up and get back in the ring again. Show grabs him by
the hair and just kinda stands there, looking at him. Reigns punches
him, then hits three Superman Punches and Spear and we’re done at around
WINNER: Roman Reigns via Spear
RATING: *. Big, dull, boring — just like the other two matches involving the #1 contenders. Aren’t you glad we have to sit through another match with all three of them?
is leaving a message for Triple H and Steph — despite the fact they’re
on Gilligan’s Island. Natalya, Summer, Cameron and Alicia come in,
squealing over Kane. They all want a “battle royal” to determine who the
real #1 Contender should be for the Divas Championship, despite the
fact that three of the four of them don’t do anything remotely meaningful.
Renee Young stops Reigns and wants to know his next move. Reigns holds up his fist and tells her wait and see.
Sheamus has new music to match his new look. It’s not bad at all. He
wants everyone to know that he is what a “real man looks like”. He says
grown-ups are speaking now. He says that the little go-getters don’t do
much at all. He says that people criticize him for bullying smaller
guys…but there aren’t really guys his size, so he has no choice. Mark
Henry’s music hits and out he comes to job.
MATCH #8: Sheamus vs. Mark Henry
isn’t having this and leaves the ring. He tells Henry not to waste his
time — so Henry grabs him and tosses him back into the ring. Sheamus
isn’t happy and tries to kick Henry. Henry grabs his leg and knocks him
down. Sheamus fights back and clubs Henry across the neck. Henry blocks a
move and dumps Sheamus from the ring. Henry chases and Sheamus just
hits him in the face. Back in the ring, Sheamus tries for Ten Beats but
Henry stops it at four. Sheamus knees him in the gut until he goes down.
Sheamus picks him up again but Henry goes for the WSS, which Sheamus
escapes. He hits the Brogue and we’re done.
WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: N/A. This was your typical semi-squash.
MATCH #9: The Miz vs. Damien Miz-dow
Miz-dow (who is still Miz-dow
despite breaking free of Miz) immediately attacks Miz and it’s a brawl
that spills outside the ring. Miz-dow runs Miz’s head into the mat, then
picks him up and knees him in the head. Miz-dow kicks him in the
corner, then chokes him. He tries to rush at Miz but Miz kicks him in
the head and starts wailing on Miz-dow, kicking him in the head after a
flurry of punches. Miz chokes Miz-dow against the middle rope and works
him over in the corner. Miz-dow comes back and beats up Miz in the
corner, nailing him with hard elbows. Miz-dow hits a quick suplex and
drops an elbow. Miz gets to the ropes but Miz-dow won’t let him go,
hitting him with hard knees. Miz finally drops out of the ring. Miz-dow
chases him back in and Miz is on him, kicking away. Miz-dow regroups in
the corner and Miz climbs up on him, grinding his face into the buckle.
Miz-dow stands up and puts Miz on his shoulders, hitting an Electric
Chair Drop. Miz-dow gets up and headbutts Miz who rolls out of the ring.
Miz drops Miz-dow’s neck on the ropes and comes back in, rushing.
Miz-dow quickly hits a clothesline, then a back/neckbreaker combo. He
goes for the SCF but Miz blocks and it’s more brawling before Miz
manages the cheap roll-up pin to end it.
WINNER: The Miz
***1/2. This was the match of the night. These two fought with
incredible intensity. Great stuff. Why they couldn’t wait until Extreme
Rules is puzzling, but it’s fine.
NEXT: The main event…
#10: Ryback vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns in a Triple Threat Match
for the #1 Contender’s Spot for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Ryback tries Shell Shock on Reigns but that doesn’t happen. Orton
and Reigns dump him, then fight int he corner. Ryback comes roaring
back into the fight and clotheslines Reigns who comes back with his
leaping clothesline, getting two. Orton and Reigns trade shots and Orton
hits a clothesline out of the corner. Ryback dumps Orton out of the
ring and goes to work on Reigns…and, suddenly, the Authority is out in
force on the entrance ramp. Ryback puts Reigns in the corner, then hits
a powerslam. He attempts the Meathook but Orton comes in and hits
clotheslines on both guys, then hits twin powerslams in stride. He goes
for the Elevated DDT on Ryback but Reigns leaps up and clubs Orton in
the head. Two count. Reigns hits about a half dozen clotheslines in the
corner but Orton interferes. Reigns hits a Superman Punch on Orton.
Ryback hits a Spinebuster on Reigns. Ryback goes for a Meathook, nailing
Reigns. Nobody cares. Orton tries an RKO but Ryback fights out and hits
a Spinebuster on Orton. He goes for Shell Shock but Orton escapes.
Reigns hits a Spear on Ryback and rolls out of the ring. The Authority
approaches the ring, so Reigns dives at all five guys. Rollins gets
involved and fights off Reigns. Show hits a KO Punch to finish him off.
Orton grabs Rollins’ hair and drags him in the ring, then hits an
Elevated DDT. In comes J&J and Ryback hits them with Spinebusters.
Orton hits an RKO and he’s the #1 Contender.
WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO.
RATING: **. So, The Authority hates all three guys, books them all in the same match, then interferes for zero reason whatsoever, enabling Orton (who Seth didn’t want to face) to win the match? Anyhow, this wasn’t that bad…it’s just stale.
Post-match, Rollins hits a Curb Stomp on Orton and stands tall as we go off the air.
OVERALL: **1/2. Nobody cares about any of the Main Event guys and it’s really weighing things down.
Er, that’s it.
I’ve had a hell of a weekend.
That was just the beginning.
For those who got to hear the audio team fucking with the audio on the show, you might have missed these gems:
That’s off the top of my head. There were several more.
We are LIVE(!!!) from my hometown in San Jose, California!!!
JBL, Cole and Booker are the guys on the mics.
comes out to a huge pop (I mean, HUGE…the roof practically blew off)
and has Paul Heyman with him. Heyman calls Lesnar “the biggest
ass-kicker of the PG era”. He says that Lesnar did nothing but suplex
the shit out of Reigns. The Smark crowd starts their first chant:
“SUPLEX CITY”. Heyman corrects them: “Or…as my client said — Suplex
City…BITCH!”. He recaps how Rollins cashed in his Money in the Bank
contract and stole the title. He’s pissed and says that the rules
weren’t clear and that he can go down to Sacramento, go to the 7th
Circuit Court, have the decision reversed, and hold WWE up in litigation
for months. But, he doesn’t wanna do that because Lesnar thinks all
lawyers are scumbags. So, that’s not happening. Instead, all Lesnar
wants to do is move on and invoke his rematch clause…and that’s
Steph comes out and recaps how great
WrestleMania was tonight. The crowd chants “Ronda Rousey”. Steph tells
them if they want the re-match, they should all shut up. She insults
Lesnar and says that Rollins kicked him around, too. She says that
Rollins will be here soon — and when he gets here, Lesnar and Heyman
will find that he’s up for the challenge.
that he has a prediction: Lesnar will destroy Rollins and Lesnar will,
once again. be the reigning, defending, undisputed WWE World Heavyweight
TONIGHT: John Cena issues an open challenge for anyone who wants the U.S. Championship, the Christmas fruitcake of the WWE Championship case.
ALSO: Daniel Bryan defends the IC Title against Dolph Ziggler.
MATCH #1: Dolph Ziggler (challenger) vs. Daniel Bryan (champion) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
crowd inside the Shark Tank was already blowing the fuck up. The first
minute is, basically, the two of them trying to lock up and get a grip
on one another while the crowd tries a LET’S GO BRYAN/ZIGGLER chant.
Nothing happens for the next 30 seconds and the crowd is already
yelling, “THIS IS AWESOME” when it clearly isn’t “awesome” at all yet,
so this is the type of crowd these guys dealt with. Bryan hits the
Surfboard, prompting Cole to name-drop Half Moon Bay because that’s a
place where you can SURF, BRO. When we come back from break, Bryan nails
Ziggler with a running dropkick. The two brawl in the corner and Bryan
manages to hit a Super Side Suplex from the top rope. Two count. Yes
Kicks but Bryan misses the Roundhouse. Ziggler rolls him up for two. The
two fight for a backslide pin and Bryan ends up heading into the
turnbuckle. Ziggler hits a Superkick, countering the Flying Knee. He
NEARLY gets the fall. Both men get up and do the mutual headbutt spot
from last night. Bryan eventually knocks Ziggler away and hits the
Running Knee at 11:52 for the win.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Daniel Bryan
RATING: **. The match was better when it wasn’t interrupted. There was more to it than this.
Barrett gets in the ring to beat up Daniel Bryan — but Sheamus comes
out, sporting a mohawk and beard dreadlocks. He fights off Barrett and
checks on Ziggler. The crowd doesn’t care and they shit all over him and
this spot. Sheamus dares Barrett to get in the ring — then attacks
Bryan because, surprise, he’s a heel. He takes out Ziggler with the
Brogue as the crowd chants, “YOU LOOK STUPID”. Sheamus just feeds off it
and tells them bring more. He grabs a mic and says, “I’m back.” Then he
COMING UP: Brock Lesnar faces Seth Rollins.
ALSO: A look at how Arnold and Nash were more important than Randy Savage.
AND: Sting will show up and spin the fact that he lost at WM 31 is a good thing.
When we come back, we run through the Hall of Fame stuff and it’s on to the next match…
#2: The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston) (w/ Xavier Woods) &
Lucha Dragons (Kalisto & Sin Cara) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Cesaro
& Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) & The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor)
in an 8-Man Tag Team Match
Sin Cara and Cesaro start off and
Sin Cara tries to flip all over Cesaro, only to end up in a Flipping
Backbreaker. Tag to Kalisto and he flips all over Cesaro like a fucking
stripper pole, tossing him across the ring with a Hurricarana. Crowd
lost their shit over this and starts chanting “NEW DAY SUCKS”. Kofi and
Konnor get in and battle. Kofi knees him in the gut and it’s back to Sin
Cara with an “NXT” chant as if they’re just going down some sort of
“chant list” handed to them at the door. When we come back, Cesaro is in
the ring while the crowd does the “Ole” soccer chant. He beats on Sin
Cara and tags Konnor who eats an Enzuguri. Tag to Kofi and the crowd
shits all over him as he goes A-House-A-Fire on Konnor. Tag to Tyson and
he gets hit with a Cross Body. Two count. Cesaro nails Kofi with an
uppercut. Viktor tags himself in and that pisses off Cesaro. Kofi tags Kalisto who flips around like Mary Lou Retton on Jolt, nails Konnor and
gets a two count. Cesaro saves the pin and it’s Spot-a-palooza by every
single guy until Kalisto ends it with the Salina Del Sol for the win at
WINNERS: The Faces.
RATING: ***. Actually, this was good because Lucha Dragons looked like the only team that wanted to be there.
comes out for the championship rematch. Rollins is out next — and he
actually taunts Lesnar with the belt. Lillian announces them…but when
the match is about to begin, Seth bails from the ring. He says he’s
feeling jetlagged, which makes sense since Levi’s Stadium is about 5
miles from SAP by freeway. He’s pulling the rematch. Lesnar doesn’t
accept. He grabs Rollins and tries a German but Rollins lands on his
feet and runs again. Lesnar chases and tries an F5 but J&J save him.
Rollins gets away. Lesnar flips the announcer desk on top of Cole, JBL
and Booker. He destroys some ringside staff, then grabs Cole as Cole
runs for his life. Heyman begs Brock to let him go but Brock’s
inconsolable and hits an F5 on Cole, much to the delight of the crowd.
He grabs a camera guy next and goes for an F5.
prompts Steph to run out and stop Brock. Brock doesn’t listen and F5’s
the camera guy. Steph suspends Lesnar and walks off. Crowd chants
“BULLSHIT” as this entire segment was worth the show. We see the damage
Brock has left behind as EMT’s hit ringside to help a dead Booker and
When we come back, Cole is being loaded on a stretcher while Booker is waking a bit. JBL is still out.
We get clips from MOMENTS AGO when Brock unleashed hell following Rollins’ escape.
Steph is walking. Renee interrupts her and wants her to explain why she
just suspended Brock Lesnar. Steph says that Lesnar’s still an employee
and he will get his rematch. She says that he’s just suspended — and
she’ll fine him, too. She says Brock isn’t going back to MMA, either.
He’s under contract and she owns “that summabitch”.
TONIGHT: John Cena begs someone, ANYONE to take his new toy belt. Seriously, he’ll lay down and let them have it.
When we come back, Byron Saxton is all that’s left of Brockpocalypse. He’ll be doing commentary solo from here on out.
MATCH #3: Stardust vs. Damien Mizdow
Mizdow is still “Miz”-dow despite turning on Miz? Mm-kay. Miz-dow
takes his sunglasses off and clotheslines Stardust. Miz-dow basically
runs through Miz’s moveset until Stardust kicks at him and hits a Front
Suplex. Crowd chants “CODY” and cheers Miz-dow — though Miz-dow’s
fandom is noticeably diminished. Star goes for a backbreaker but gets
hit on a counter by the SCF. Miz-dow wins at 2:23.
WINNER: Damien Miz-dow
RATING: DUD. And, now, we find out if the fans truly care about Miz-dow.
Post-match, Miz attacks Miz-dow and hits the SCF. He yells in Miz-dow’s face.
FOLLOWING RAW: Sting is interviewed.
LAST NIGHT: The Rock and Ronda Rousey confronted Steph and Triple H at WrestleMania. Highlights from that next.
We get the clips we’re promised, then a nice media package showing our local print and television media covering WrestleMania.
Axel is in the ring. Axelmania, this. Axelmaniaxs, that. Ax-streme
Rules is also now a thing. Neville debuts in case you wanna get to the
part you care about. The match doesn’t even begin and Neville attacks
him, tossing Axel from the ring and flying right on top of him.
MATCH #4: Curtis Axel vs. Neville
back in the ring, Neville hits some flying lariats and some quick
kicks. Crowd loves it. The Red Arrow wins it at 1:11. “Wow,” says Saxton
with all the excitement of a Speak n’ Spell.
RATING: DUD, but Neville’s badass.
NEXT: John Cena faces the guy who reluctantly wants to try for the goofy ‘Murica belt.
come back from break and Byron explains that Brock is the reason we’re
hearing him instead of JBL and Cole arguing about Frodo.
comes Cena as the crowd boos him back to the Stone Age, singing “JOHN
CENA SUUUUUUCKS”. We take a look at clips of Rusev and Cena at
WrestleMania last night. Cena says the crowd will hear about
WrestleMania Moments all night long. Cena says that the crowd in San
Jose is the best audience of the year. They actually pop. He calls them
all, “budding musicians”. This prompts the crowd to sing his theme song.
He tells them that, if they believe that, they’re gonna have an issue
with this next one: THE CHAMP IS HERE! He says he’s “dressed like Johnny
Cash” (he’s wearing all black, so that’s valid, folks…he’s just like Johnny Cash) and he puts out his challenge.
And out comes…
MATCH #5: John Cena (champion) vs. Dean Ambrose (challenger) for the WWE United States Championship
and Cena trade a couple of spots and, instantly, Byron sends us on our
commercial break because we didn’t want to see this match anyway. When
we come back, King’s with us because Byron’s about to break down in
tears and, suddenly, this is CNN live from New Orleans following
Hurricane Katrina. If anyone can explain why the desk is still on its
side, please let me know. And somebody get these guys chairs. My fucking
feet hurt watching them stand up. Cena hits moves 1 through 3 and
Ambrose kicks him. He tries the Rebound Clothesline but Cena ducks and
hits #3 again. He hits #4 and goes for an AA which Ambrose breaks from
and counters with a Sunset Flip for two. Ambrose hits a horribly delayed
and telegraphed Rebound Clothesline but Cena, being the good guy he is,
eats it anyhow. He tries Dirty Deeds but Cena stops it. The two trade
BOO/YAY punches, then end up in the corner where Ambrose hits a Tornado
DDT for a two count. Cena ends up outside and Ambrose nails him from the
top buckle. They both roll into the ring and, suddenly, Super Cena is
up and hitting an AA for two. The two end up fighting near the corner
and Ambrose botches a Falling Sunset Flip. He pulls Cena down but Cena
counters and hits the STF. Ambrose breaks it, so Cena goes for an AA.
Ambrose breaks that and hits a pseudo-STF. Cena tries for the ropes so
Ambrose breaks the hold and pulls Cena back to the center of the ring.
Cena kicks at Ambrose and tries another AA. Ambrose counters with Dirty
Deeds and NEARLY gets the pin. Cena and Ambrose trade shots again. About
7 AA counters later and Cena finally hits an AA, retaining at 14:20,
after countering a crossbody by Ambrose.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: John Cena via AA
RATING: ***. Not bad…but can we stop pretending Cena’s suddenly a little indie mid-carder?
Post-match, Ambrose isn’t happy. He gets up, though, as Cena goes for the RESPECTFUL POST-MATCH TRIPLE H HANDSHAKE. Ambrose accepts, kinda, and we move on.
LAST NIGHT: It was Suplex City, bitch, hefore Seth Rollins cashed in and won the match.
Young speaks with Seth Rollins backstage. He thinks that Brock Lesnar
is out of control. He got what he deserved. Orton shows up and reminds
Rollins that he beat Rollins at WrestleMania last night. He wants
Rollins’ title…but Kane and Big Show show up to stop this noise real
quick. Rollins says he’ll face Orton — in a tag match. He wants Orton
to find two guys to face the three of them at the end of the night.
Orton doesn’t look happy.
AJ Lee heads to the ring as we go to break.
#6: AJ Lee, Paige, & Naomi vs. Natalya & The Bella Twins (Brie
& WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella) in a 6-Diva Tag Team Match
and Naomi begin the thing. Nattie escapes head scissors which looks
like it would hurt if Naomi held on tighter to Nattie’s neck. Naomi hits
a sitting dropkick after rubbing her ass in Nattie’s nose (DON’T DO
THAT TO NATTIE! IT’S ALL SEXUAL AND FLIRTY AND STUFF!!!) Tag to Brie as
the crowd chants for Paige. Brie puts Naomi in an armbar, then arm drags
her to the mat. Naomi escapes and tags Paige. Paige hits headbutts and
dumps Brie to the mat. Two count. Brie calls Paige a “loser”, so Paige
dives at her and both girls are outside the ring. It’s a standoff
between the remaining Divas as we go to commercial. It’s Nattie and AJ
when we come back. AJ breaks a submission move but Nattie kicks her and
suplexes AJ for two. Nikki comes into the match and puts a chinlock on
AJ who the crowd actually gets behind instead of mocking. AJ breaks the
hold and runs to her corner but Nikki blocks her and dumps her to the
mat. Two count. Naomi and Paige scream for a tag, so Nikki nails Naomi
with a forearm and goes back to work on AJ with a Crosslock. AJ breaks
and Nikki runs at Naomi and Paige, swinging with forearms. She gets to
Paige but misses Naomi. Hot tag to Naomi and she hits Nikki with a high
kick and crossbody. Nikki manages to counter a head scissors off the
buckle and dumps Naomi to the mat. Paige saves the pin and it’s a melee
as Nattie hits SUPLEX CITY BITCH on Paige. The ring clears with Naomi in
between Nikki and Brie. Nikki goes for her forearm — but hits Brie
instead. Naomi hits the Rear View to get the win at 13:07.
WINNERS: The faces
RATING: **1/2. Not a bad Divas tag. They’re finally starting to take that roster seriously.
MOMENTS AGO: Brock destroyed everyone and everything.
Orton is backstage. Ryback shows up and he wants to be a part of Orton’s team. Orton accepts.
THIS THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Dolph Ziggler & Daniel Bryan face Sheamus and Bad News Barrett.
ALSO ON SMACKDOWN: Orton, Cena and Reigns will all be there.
Michael Cole apparently has a “cervical fracture”…so treasure these brief weeks when we won’t hear him speak.
MATCH #7: Goldust vs. Rusev
No Lana. Kick, wham, Accolade anyhow, and we’re done at 2:18.
RATING: DUD. So, Rusev fights — but it isn’t for the title? Ok.
NEXT: The big 6-Man Tag Match.
#8: Kane, Big Show, & WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins
vs. Randy Orton, Ryback & Roman Reigns in a 6-Man Tag Team Match
and Ryback start out. Ryback eats a boot in the corner. Rollins gets
involved and he gets sent outside. Break again, even though we’re
nearing the end of the show. Orton is beating on Kane, then tags Ryback
as the crowd is insanely restless at this point, chanting ANYTHING that
comes to mind. Rollins tags in and he’s all over Orton with kicks in the
corner. He sends Orton into the other corner but Orton comes back with a
clothesline and punches at Rollins in the other corner. Crowd begins a
“BREEZE IS GORGEOUS” chant and then a “HOW YA’ DOIN'” chant. Tag to Show
and the crowd chants “PLEASE RETIRE”. Show laughs and just drops elbows
on Orton. He slaps Orton’s chest and tags Kane. Kane hits a snapmare as
the crowd chants “SAN JOSE”, then “WE WANT RYBACK”. Orton beats on Kane
but then runs into a boot. The Wave starts in the crowd and Rollins
cannot believe his eyes. The cameraman follows the wave around, making
the entire audience fucking seasick and, finally, the match continues.
Rollins splashes Orton in the corner, then yells at the crowd. A “CM
PUNK” chant begins as Rollins grabs Orton’s neck in the corner. Orton
fights out as the crowd chants, “WE ARE AWESOME”. Reigns gets the hot
tag and he hits a Samoan Drop on Kane. He takes out Show, then
clotheslines Kane in the corner. Reigns goes for a neckbreaker, then
changes his mind and hits Kane in the head. He goes for the Superman
Punch. Show grabs him instead. Reigns escapes and hits a Superman Punch.
Show runs over Reigns. Ryback hits a Shell Shock on Show. Curb Stomp to
Ryback by Rollins. The ring clears and it’s Reigns behind Rollins.
Reigns goes for a Spear. Rollins dodges it and runs. Kane attacks
Reigns, only to eat an RKO from Orton. Reigns gets the pin at 13:00 and
WINNERS: The faces.
RATING: **. The crowd killed most of this.
Post-match, it’s a heel/face staredown as we go off the air.
**1/2 stars. Brock signs a new contract and he’s probably not gonna be
on much. Meanwhile, it was just a “pile of bodies” show with 20 people
involved in three decent matches. Everyone seems so misused lately.
Unfortunately, no best-of-Monday Night Open Mic this week. Too much to recap. See you next week.
Er, that’s it.
I love wrestling and WWE despite what everyone may or may not think. I
love covering it. And, judging by the multitude of readers who read and
comment across three blogs, you love clicking on the recap and seeing
what the hell I care about watching some dude pretending to be Russian
and representing Rusev.
Sting starts us out. At least I think this is him. Michael Cole hasn’t freaked out about the arena suddenly going dark yet. Crowd
loves him. He yells outloud for them. He says that, when he was with
WCW, he watched Triple H rise and bury WCW. He’s not here to fight for
WCW as that would be pointless. He’s here to take Triple H down.
comes Steph. She calls him “WCW’s last holdout”. Finally, he knows what
it’s like to be in the “big time”. Sting calls her a spoiled little
brat who thinks she earns what she’s gotten. Then he condescends to her:
“But it’s nice to finally meet ya’, Steph.” She says that Sting was a
minnow in a tiny pond when he was in WCW. She says he’s loyal…like a
dog. Dogs are stupid. She doesn’t wanna call him a dog. She says that
Sting lost everything. His integrity and pride are gone. And the rest of
him will be gone when he loses to Triple H at WrestleMania. She calls
him a “face-painted freak”.
Sting whoops at the
audience. Steph tries to slap him. He blocks it. Triple H comes out to
the ring, loosening his tie and tossing it away. He approaches the ring,
asks Steph if she’s ok, then takes off his jacket and rolls his sleeves
up. Crowd chants “THIS IS AWESOME” as Steph goes for a sledge from
under the ring — but Sting has his baseball bat — and he invites
Triple H into the ring. Sting, off-mic: “You got a sledgehammer. I’ve
got a bat. C’mon, make a move!”
Instead, Triple H
chickens out and walks back to the aisle. Sting removes his coat and
drops the bat. He tells Triple H to get in the ring. Triple H starts
to…but Steph eventually holds him back and the two heels back off and
PLEASE live up to what you guys just kicked the show off with.
TONIGHT: We get to choose Randy Orton’s opponent. Will it be Big Show, Kane or Seth Rollins & his Security Goofs?
Backstage, Paige and AJ yack.
MATCH #1: Dean Ambrose & R-Truth vs. Luke Harper & Stardust
shit, a spot where Truth wrestles and doesn’t steal anything? I’m not
used to this. Truth starts with Star as Barrett is on commentary. Star
gets tossed from the ring, then yells at Barrett that the belt is “his”.
Cole just can’t leave well enough alone and calls Star “Gollum-like”.
Tag to Ambrose and a tag to Harper and the Battle of the Wife Beaters
commences as Ambrose puts him in a wristlock. Harper breaks it but
Ambrose hits a nice flying lariat off an Irish Whip. Ambrose hits a
sitting dropkick and Crucifix Pin for two. He hits a bulldog and Star
gets into the ring. Truth and Ambrose dump him, then toss Harper. We go
When we come back, Star has Ambrose locked in
a cross armlock. Ambrose fights out but Star counters with an Alabama
Slam for two. Tag to Harper and he works Ambrose’s eyes with a gouge. He
slings Ambrose’s neck into the middle ring ropes and gets two. Ambrose
tries a rush but Harper hits a Spinning Sidewalk Slam for two. Tag to
Star. He tries a Superplex. Ambrose tosses him to the mat. Star quickly
gets up and tags Harper. Harper nails Ambrose, then goes outside to
taunt Ambrose. When he comes back, he runs into Ambrose who rolls him
back in the ring.
Ambrose hits a Tornado DDT, then
hits a hot tag to R-Truth. Truth takes out both men and hits a Sitting
Suplex Bomb. Ambrose gets into the ring and hits a Comeback Clothesline
on Harper who bails. Flying Psycho by Ambrose. Star freaks out and
watches. He turns around and runs right into What’s Up? Truth gets the
pin at 10:39.
WINNERS: Truth & Ambrose
**1/4. Not bad. As excited one can be for a match featuring three of
the four weakest stars on the roster. At least Cole didn’t end every sentence in “izzle”.
Renee Young has this year’s Special Olympics candidates.
We get a response from Roman Reigns via TV interview backstage. Aren’t we supposed to have a Face-to-Face meet?
Apparently, JBL and Bill Simmons “don’t like each other” because of passive aggressive tweets.
The Miz and Damien Miz-dow interviewed Kevin Hart and Will Ferrell
where Miz acts like an arrogant jackass and Ferrell and Hart like
Miz-dow better. They show a minute of it which is about a minute too
long. Then they offer the rest “on the WWE App”.
#2: The Miz, Damien Miz-dow, The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor), &
Adam Rose vs. Titus O’Neil, Darren Young, Ryback, Erick Rowan and Zack
Ryder in a Ten-Man Tag Team Match
Bill Simmons joins the
commentary team. Miz and Titus start off, Crowd doesn’t care and chants
for Miz-dow. Titus hits backbreakers and tosses Miz backward. Tag to
Young. Titus suplexes him on top of Miz. Miz hits a chinbreaker to gain
momentum. He teases a Miz-dow tag but Rose gets it instead. Young hits
an inverted Atomic Drop and swinging neckbreaker. Tag to Harper who
beats Rose up in the corner. Harper puts Rose in the corner and tags
Ryder. Rose hits a clothesline and it’s a tag to The Ascension soo they
can get their licks in. Young saves a pin. Miz-dow gets a tag. Miz tells
him to stop it and tag him back in. Miz-dow does. Ryder drops Miz’s
head on the mat. Ryder hits the hot tag to Ryback. Press to Miz and a
Spinebuster. He goes for the Meathook. Rose comes in to interfere.
Ryback drops him. Ascension in. They get dumped by Ryback. Miz boots
Ryback and kicks at him bur Ryback hits a clothesline and Shell Shock
and we’re done at 5:48.
WINNERS: The Faces
*. This was just a bunch of guys waiting for Ryback to outshine them.
It’s weird to see a bunch of vets in singles matches — and the rest of
the card relegated to “piles of bodies” matches.
LAST MONDAY: Orton was gonna be attacked except Sting showed up.
Randy Orton comes to the ring. Booker says that Orton’s opponent is…
Seth Rollins with 77 percent of the vote. At this point, the remaining 23% who voted for Show and Kane have got to be trolling.
MATCH #3: Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins, Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury in a Handicap Match
starts this thing out. Orton drops him to the mat, face-first, then
demands Rollins get in the ring. Mercury tags Noble instead. Orton just
shoves him to the mat and stomps at his shins. He throws Noble out of
the ring like a bag of meat and goes after Rollins. There’s a brief
scuffle and Rollins kicks Orton in the head. Noble stomps at Orton and
drops elbows. Orton retaliates with a clothesline, then takes out
Mercury. He tosses Noble out and powerslams Mercury in stride. He hits a
Double Rope Drop DDT on both men as Rollins just glares. He calls for
an RKO. Rollins runs into the ring for a Curb Stomp but he misses. Orton
nearly hits an RKO but Rollins counters and shoves him into Mercury,
who gets clotheslined outside. He turns back to Rollins, who bails.
Noble tries to sneak up on Orton who just RKO’s him into next week and
gets the pin at 3:19.
WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO
RATING: *1/2. Other than that, build-up was nice. I just expected more from a handicap match.
John Cena was interviewed in the Barbara Walters Room of Doom.
TONIGHT: Swagger takes on Rusev.
approaches Paige about the Divas Title match tonight. They argue over
who should fight against Nikki — only they offer each other the title
shot. Paige calls her “crazy” for passing up on the opportunity. This
doesn’t sit well with AJ.
We go to break.
MATCH #4: Paige (challenger) (w/ AJ Lee) vs. Nikki Bella (champion) (w/ Brie Bella) for the WWE Divas Championship
lock-up goes nowhere. Paige charges Nikki, then headbutts her. She
knees Nikki in the chin/neck/boobs/not sure because of the editing, then
says this is her house. Nikki gets back in the ring tosses Paige to the
mat and does push-ups. Paige attacks her and Nikki rolls out of the
ring. Paige isn’t through with her and flies at her with a knee. She
rolls Nikki back into the ring but Nikki comes back, smashing Paige’s
face with her knee. When we come back from a break, Nikki has Paige in a
headlock. Paige breaks but Nikki puts Paige down with a Spinebuster.
Two count. She taunts Paige with slaps to the head, so Paige kicks her
and the two women rush at each other. They both eat a clothesline and
hit the mat. Paige hits clotheslines and a dropkick. Two count. Paige
rushes Nikki who elbows her and dropkicks her. Two count. Nikki sets up
the Forearm but misses. Paige hits a Crescent Kick for two. Paige gets
up and goes for the Ram-Paige but Nikki counters with a Small Package
cradle for two. A series of counters and Nikki hits an Alabama Slam for a
CLOSE fall. Nikki goes for the Rack Attack but Paige fights out and
hits the Ram-Paige. TWO COUNT. Paige can’t believe it. Crowd is big-time
into this. Paige tries to pull Nikki to the center of the ring. Paige
flies out of the ring with her. Brie tries to get involved, so AJ takes
her out. Paige goes to thank her and eats an AJ elbow for her troubles.
Nikki rolls Paige into the ring. Rack Attack and Nikki retains at 10:41.
WINNER: NIKKIWINSLOL via Rack Attack
RATING: **1/2. At this point, I’m convinced Nikki’s not just sucking Cena off.
Post-match, Paige attacks AJ. And we’re going back down this route, I guess.
ON SMACKDOWN: Bryan jobbed to Dolph Ziggler. Tune in next week, when he jobs to Zack Ryder.
TONIGHT: You get to
help overbook tonight’s match choose the special guest referee in the match between Ziggler and Bryan by voting on the WWE App.
NEXT: Snoop Dogg.
Garcia introduces Snoop Dogg. This oughta give me time to scope out the
Best of Monday Night Open Mic. Oh wait. Curtis Axel has a problem with
Snoop Dogg. He says that he doesn’t like “SnoopMania.” Snoop doesn’t
care. The only important “Mania” is this one:
Hogan appears for, like, the sixth time in a year, which is like five
more times than The Undertaker. He doesn’t know about AxelMania. He asks
what Axel’s been smoking. Axel tears off his shirt and attacks Hogan.
Hogan hits him and Snoop tosses him out of the ring. They pose for about
We get the Brock Lesnar video interview from last week.
ON THE WRESTLEMANIA KICK-OFF SHOW: The Fatal Four-Way Tag Team Championship between The Usos, Tyson & Cesaro, The New Day and Los Matadores.
#5: WWE Tag Team Champions Tyson Kidd & Cesaro & Natalya vs.
Los Matadores (Fernando & Diego) & El Torito in a Six-Being
Interspecies Tag Team Match
Fucking hell. I skip this shit on
Smackdown, so WHY am I seeing it on RAW? Cesaro shoulderblocks Matador I
Don’t Care About #1. Matador #1 comes back with a body splash for a
one-count. Torito is in with Nattie who smiles because I’m convince that
the Botox has reduced her to that and “pissed off”. Tyson tags himself
in and evades Matador #2 or #1. Cesaro comes in for a short cover.
Meanwhile, the Usos and Naomi’s boobs join the commentary team. Cesaro
hits the Swing Kick. Tyson locks in a headlock. Matador breaks and Tyson
goes top rope, only to eat a dropkick. Hot tags on both sides. Matador
beats up Cesaro and tags in Torito who nearl pins Cesaro. Matador
dumps Cesaro from the ring. This leaves Torito, who pins Nattie with a
Sunset Flip. JBL just highlights how far Nattie’s fallen in WWE by
asking, “Has Bret Hart ever been pinned by a bull?”
WINNER: Matadors and El Torito
is backstage. Kane approaches him and says that he needs to collect
Barrett’s IC Title, so he can “dangle it above the ring”. Barrett is
reluctant, but gives him the belt.
NEXT: Rusev vs. Swagger
SMACKDOWN: 8-MAN TAG MATCH featuring Roman Reigns, John Cena, Mark
Henry & Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt, Seth Rollins, Kane and Big Show
MATCH #6: WWE United States Champion Rusev vs. Jack Swagger (non-title)
reminds us that Rusev’s the reason we haven’t seen Zeb Colter.
Continuity! Rusev kicks at Swagger in the corner, then beats on him.
Swagger fights back but Rusev clotheslines him. He kicks Swagger
repeatedly, then puts on a clutch. Swagger finally fights out and hits a
Big Boot. He hits a huge clothesline, which knocks Rusev down. He
rushes Rusev but Rusev goes for a kick. Swagger catches him and tries
the Patriot Lock. Rusev kicks out. Rusev beats Swagger in the corner
again, then clotheslines him. Rusev hits a HUGE Superkick and the
Accolade for the win at 4:36.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
RATING: More of the same from Rusev.
won’t break The Accolade, so here comes Cena to break his face. They
battle in the ring, then fight outside. Rusev gets the upper hand and
tosses Cena into the crowd barrier. He picks Cena up and shoves him into
the ringpost. He picks Cena up again and tosses him into the announce
table. Rusev picks up the Russian flag and waves it. A ref tends to Cena
who looks hurt. Rusev sees this and puts the flag down. He takes Cena
out with a Flying Superkick, then starts stripping the announce table.
He picks Cena up and slams him, face-first, into the table. He climbs
the table and locks in The Accolade until Cena passes out, while six
refs tug lightly at Rusev’s arms, saying “Stop it.”
MOMENTS AGO: Rusev kicks the shit out of John Cena.
Cole, JBL and Booker assess what just happened. Cole surmises that Cena “is no longer 100 percent”.
Time. He comes to the ring and says that everyone hates. That’s all
they do. They care only about money and hate who they are in life. They
lie to themselves. He’ll give them all the truth: The Undertaker is a
liar. He’s just like everyone else. He’s hiding the fact that he lost.
He says that angel wings are here to take him back to the other side.
hear rumbling and see lights flashing as the arena lights up like the
Tiki Room at Disneyland. He says that The Undertaker’s spirits are all
in Bray Wyatt’s control now, not The Undertaker’s. He says there will be
no redemption or shield. Sister Abigail’s Kiss will end him. Then, he
will take his rightful place amongst the gods as the new face of fear.
He says that once WrestleMania is over, The Undertaker will finally rest
in peace. Aaaaaand, still no ‘Taker. Even on the Raw before ‘Mania.
Diesel/Kevin Nash is the final inductee into the 2015 WWE Hall of Fame.
is backstage, doing her make-up. Tyson is eating Burger King. He talks
to his food like he talks to her. Nattie smile-frowns through it, then
pretends to like what she’s eating.
Oh, look. Daniel
Bryan’s out here and he’s more over than Reigns. Funny that. So’s
Ziggler. Booker gives us our Special Guest Referee and it’s…
Dean Ambrose. Wonder how many people tried voting for Kane and Big Show.
MATCH #7: Daniel Bryam vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Special Guest Referee Dean Ambrose
lock-ups and quick back and forth to start. Then an actual Test of
Strength. Ziggler puts Bryan in a corner and beats on him. Big elbow by
Ziggler. One count. Ziggler puts Bryan in the corner and it’s a slap and
punch fight. Bryan flips over Ziggler in the corner, then ends up
outside. Ziggler chases and Bryan uses his legs to pull Ziggler outside
as well. Bryan misses a flying knee outside. Ziggler runs at Bryan and
takes him out. When we get back from break, Ziggler has a Sleeper on
Bryan. Bryan breaks it and goes for a Fame-Asser but Bryan rolls Ziggler
up fro two. Ziggler attacks and Bryan hits a German Suplex for two.
Bryan goes top rope but Ziggler knocks him off. He goes for a Superplex
but Bryan blocks it and punches at Ziggler. Ziggler falls to the mat,
then leaps up, grabbing Bryan by the head, and pulls him down into the
mat for a close fall. Ziggler goes for a Zigg Zagg but Bryan fights him
off and tries a Backslide pin. Ziggler reverses for two. Bryan kicks
Ziggler in the corner and then hits a rushing dropkick. Ziggler hits a
Superkick when Bryan comes rushing in and hits the Superkick for the win
at 10:54. Boy, that “special guest referee” gimmick really added to the match, didn’t it?
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zigg Zagg
RATING: **3/4. Got going late and never really got to the level of the match on Smackdown.
Dean predictably hits Ziggler with Dirty Deeds, goes under the mat for a ladder and
goes for the IC Title which is hanging above the ring CUZ REMEMBER KANE PUT IT UP THERE HIMSELF. Barrett stops him and the rest of the IC Title
fighters come out to join the fight. Bodies fly everywhere. Barrett hits
a Bullhammer on Bryan because he hasn’t been buried enough in two
shows. Ziggler hits a Superkick on Barrett. More fighting and the ladder
gets knocked over. Everyone’s down and…that’s that. Everyone’s down
and not getting up.
Backstage, Heyman knocks on the dressing room door of Brock Lesnar and tells him that “it’s time”.
Finally, at 11 PM PST / 2 AM EST, out comes Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman.
Heyman plugs Lesnar vs. Reigns. He says that either Lesnar is great like
he’s been saying — or he isn’t. The same goes for Reigns. He says that
Lesnar makes failures out of everyone who has stepped in front of him.
He says that everyone doubted Lesnar’s ability to beat The Undertaker
and John Cena. Both men were beaten. He says that people call Lesnar a
“mercenary”. The problem is that Lesnar actually enjoys beating people
up. He says Lesnar’s the type who will fuck wives and eat kid’s food.
Sheesh. Paul Heyman says that Reigns keeps saying “he will” beat Lesnar.
But Lesnar says he CAN’T…and he WON’T.
Reigns. The two men face off, as promised. Lesnar holds the belt in
Reigns’ face. Reigns grabs it. Lesnar grabs back…and we go off the
OVERALL: **1/2. Not a bad “going home”
show…it’s gonna be an interesting WrestleMania. It’s time for WWE to
reap what they’ve sewn.
That’s it for me for this week.
will probably be posting the WrestleMania Trip Report starting on
Thursday with Axxess. If you’re going to WrestleMania, feel free to find
me and talk me up. I’m not that much of an asshole in real life. 🙂
And, of course…the best of Monday Night Open Mic:
Paige and AJ head to the ring.
13 days until Danielle and I head to Levi’s for WrestleMania…
MATCH #1: AJ Lee (w/ Paige) vs. WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) (non-title)
ladies lock up and AJ runs into a Bella shoulderblock. Nikki picks AJ
up and tosses her into the corner, then hits some shoulders. Nikki backs
off and does push-ups. AJ doesn’t like that and hits a nice flipping
pin combo. Nikki kicks out and runs into an AJ armbar. Nikki breaks it
and puts AJ into an armbar. AJ breaks and it’s Nikki in an armbar. Nikki
hits the weakest “clothesline” ever and gets a two count when AJ hits
the mat. AJ comes back with a clothesline of her own and it’s a side
headlock by AJ. Nikki breaks but AJ hits a Frankensteiner. Nikki flies
outside the ropes. AJ attacks but Nikki drops AJ’s arm on the top rope.
We go to break. When we come back, AJ breaks a headlock only to end up
on the mat for two. More hot armbar action as Nikki has AJ on the mat.
Crowd kinda cheers to move things along as they realize that Jay Leno
knew more moves than Nikki. AJ suddenly locks in an Octopus Hold but
Nikki backs her into the buckle. Nikki rushes at her but AJ kicks her
and hits a crossbody, nearly getting a fall. Nikki goes for a belly to
belly suplex but AJ counters into a Sunset Flip. One count. AJ rushes
Nikki and Nikki slings her out of the ring. Brie swarms like a vulture
and Paige is right there to defend AJ. Nikki backs both women off but AJ
tosses Nikki into the mat. Paige and Brie call each other names. Brie
tosses Paige into the ringpost. AJ is distracted, so she eats a Nikki
forearm and a Rack Attack for the win at 11:02.
WINNER: Nikki Bella via Rack Attack
RATING: A cautious **1/4. Decent action — and a brave move by WWE to start the night with a Divas match.
LL Cool J is going to WrestleMania.
LAST THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Mark Henry got his ass kicked by Roman Reigns.
TONIGHT: Brock Lesnar spoke to somebody about Roman Reigns.
Young has Kane and Big Show backstage. Kane announces that Big Show
will be in Seth’s corner for tonight’s match. Show yells at Kane. Kane
yells at show. Does this count as a turn, or…? Seth shows up and says
that the two of them need to see the “big picture”. Kane suddenly admits
that they kinda enjoyed seeing him get beat up last week. So, Kane, for
one will not be at ringside. He tells Big Show to ditch Rollins as
Ryback is out for a match as we are reminded how Ryback crushed Miz on Smackdown while Miz-dow (who is not really on tour with Wiz Khalifa, sucker) watched backstage, smiling.
MATCH #2: Ryback vs. The Miz (w/ Damien Miz-dow)
stomps at Ryback but Ryback tosses Miz outside. Ryback grabs Miz by the
hair and instructs Miz-dow to hit Miz. Miz-dow balls his fist but can’t
do it. Miz elbows Ryback and tells Miz-dow to un-ball his fist. Ryback
attacks Miz, rolls him into the ring, hits the Meathook and Shell Shock
for the win at 1:55. And, so this Miz/Miz-dow thing continues endlessly
on into the good night…
WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
Miz-dow gets into the ring and fans him with his cost. He helps Miz up
and Miz repays him with the Skull Crushing Finale. It just. Keeps.
Cole builds the United States Championship with more fervor than the actual main event at WrestleMania.
We get clips of the Cena/Rusev feud where Cena says that “Rusev doesn’t have the right to disparage America”. Well, that’s not exactly true, Cena…
NEXT: The contract signing for THE MOST IMPORTANT CHAMPIONSHIP EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS BUSINESS.
is in the ring when we come back from break. He welcomes John Cena to
the ring. Cena goes to sign the contract, then puts it down and hits the
‘MURICA button for about three minutes. Cena signs it after his rant.
Rusev is called out.
Rusev comes out, dressed in
Pronto Uomo like he’s guest-starring on Miami Vice. Lana’s conspicuously
absent and, instead, Rusev is lead to the ring by a guy who looks like
Ron Howard cos-playing Tyler Durden who sounds like a Yakof Smirnoff
imitating a Frenchman, imitating Yakof Smirnoff. I cannot even begin to
make this up. It doesn’t help that JBL is audibly annoyed by the dude
and calls out his horrible accent or that the dude loses his composure
and nearly laughs at his own horrible acting on live television.
says Rusev isn’t signing the contract because Rusev never agreed to the
match, himself. Anyhow, Rusev reaches into his coat to retrieve some
creative writing which is peppered with phrases like “stupid Americans” and
“stupid little country”. Rusev says American will die. Rusev signs the thing. Shit happens. The
table gets tossed and Rusev rolls out of the ring. Cena waves the contract at him. Russian flag falls again
because nobody ever bothers to piss Rusev off by loading up the American flag.
TONIGHT: 6-Man Tag with 6 of the IC title peeps.
ALSO: Randy Orton faces Seth Rollins.
New Day is in the ring as Big E shudders and shakes like he’s having a crack fit.
#3: The New Day (Big E & Kofi Kingston) (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. WWE
Tag Team Champions Tyson Kidd & Cesaro (w/ Natalya) (non-title)
Los Matadores show up as they’re getting the Roman Reigns Violent Push
treatement. Cesaro enters after Big E tosses Kofi into Tyson. He hits
some uppercutes. Kofi tries to come back with a dropkick but Cesaro
shrugs him off. He hits the Spin but something happens and Cesaro needs
to drop him. All hell breaks loose and Kofi catches a goofy-looking
uppercut to the back of his head. Cesaro covers for the win at 1:52.
WINNERS: Cesaro & Kidd
RATING: DUD. The build-up for the RAW pre-show, everyone!
Matadores and The New Day jaw at one another. Cesaro hits a neutralizer
on Kofi. Torito hits a physically-impossible Hurricarana on Cesaro and
so it goes.
LAST MONDAY: Bray taunted The
Undertaker who didn’t show up, yet managed to light a chair on fire with
worse VFX than what was seen in Sharknado.
TONIGHT: Bray does more freaky shit in order to draw out The Undertaker.
NEXT: Lesnar speaks.
get a nice shot of the outside of Wells Fargo Arena. I guess it’s as
good a time as any to point out that we’ve had 3 matches in 90 minutes,
totaling 15 minutes — and 11 minutes of that was a Divas match.
is backstage as the Lollipop Guild argues with him about his fame.
Noble gets so pissed that he quits the Security team. Mercury quits,
too. So, naturally, Rollins will be booked to job to them next week in a
Cole sets up the Brock Lesnar thing
where Lesnar’s curse words get bleeped…except for “ass” which will get
bleeped next week when the censors suddenly decide it’s a curse word.
Rowan is wrestling Big Show when we come back from that. Months after
his face turn and, still, no fucks have been given. Show kicks the shit
out of him, then hits the KO Punch. He goes to the second rope and hits a
elbow/body splash. There’s no match here. But, nobody wanted one
THE NEWEST INDUCTEE INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME IS…Larry Zbyszko!
STILL TO COME: That 6-Man Tag Match
we come back from break, Kane is in the ring with the WWE’s also-rans:
Zack Ryder, Fandago, Heath Slater, Curtis Axel, Titus O’Neil, Goldust,
Jack Swagger, Adam Rose and Darren Young. He declares that he will win
the Andre Battle Royal. He will demonstrate that right now. So Mark
Henry shows up and he gets mic time because we haven’t had enough promo
spots. He says HE will win. Axel vacates. Dust, Swagger and a slew of
others eat the outside mat. Kane and Henry are the only ones left after
Kane dumps Titus. Kane hits an uppercut. Henry shrugs off his blows and
tries to dump him. He succeeds. In runs Axel, who tries to dump Henry.
Henry reverses that attempts. And that’s about as well as one could do
to pump that match up.
STILL TO COME: Orton and Seth.
After, yet, ANOTHER BREAK.
THIS THURSDAY: 6-Being Interspecies Tag Match on Smackdown…which is the reason I quit watching it.
comes Paul Heyman to remind us that we’ve now had over 2 hours of RAW
with 15 minutes of actual wrestling. At this point, this has become so
tiresome, I can’t even enjoy whatever the hell this is supposed to be.
Everyone hates Reigns. Everyone loves Lesnar. Heyman gives a good promo.
None of this is working.
appears. He wants to beat up Paul Heyman but he has “respect” for him.
He’s here, instead, to speak to Brock Lesnar. Who isn’t here. So, he’ll
speak to the camera. He says he’ll kick Lesnar’s ass. Seriously. There’s
nothing here. I was in the kitchen, washing dishes during that entire segment
and I rewound the thing to write this, thinking I’d need to recap
something a lot more in-depth and sophisticated. Right now, it’s two
guys speaking to each other through lawyers. That’s it.
when we come back, Renee Young catches Paul Heyman in the hallway.
Heyman states that Lesnar will be here to confront Reigns.
HOLY SHIT A MATCH.
#4: WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett, Luke Harper &
Stardust vs. Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler & Dean Ambrose in a Six-Man
Tag Team Match
Just FYI: all three of the faces got a bigger
pop tonight than Reigns has had in weeks. Oh, by the way, here comes
R-Truth because he’s still in this shit but not white enough to compete.
Stardust does cartwheel but Dean grabs him and slams him. Stardust
comes back with punches in the corner. Ambrose whips him into the
opposite corner, then hits a suplex. Tag to Bryan and Bryan puts him
into a Surfboard, despite the fact that Stardust is completely mobile
and not at all tired. Bryan kicks at Dust in the corner. Bryan hits an
armbar and Ziggler tags himself in. Bryan argues with Ziggler. Stardust
gets in the middle of that, so he gets dumped from the ring. It turns
into a near-Pier 6 and we go to break.
back and Harper is roughing up Dean Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose hits a
nice Tornado DDT on a counter as “R-Trizzle” (because it’s 1995, see)
sits in on commentary. Tags on both sides. Ziggler hits a DDT on
Stardust but Dust comes back with a dropkick. Ziggler flies from the
ring and Barrett attacks after a tag. He runs Ziggler into the crowd
wall, then rolls him in-ring for a two-count. He puts Ziggler into the
corner and kicks him in the ribs. Two count. Tags to Star and Harper.
They rough up Ziggler. Barrett gets back in and kicks Ziggler, then hits
a nice swinging neckbreaker for two. He tosses Ziggler into the corner
and tags Harper. Harper tosses Barrett into Ziggler who evades. Harper
charge and he flies out of the ring. Dust attacks and he gets sent to
Ziggler goes for a hot tag and completely
misses as the heels take out Ambrose and Bryan. Ziggler counters a
powerbomb and hits the Fame-Asser. Barrett saves the pin. All hell
breaks loose as everyone gets into a huge brawl in the ring. It ends
when the ring clears. Harper hits a Big Boot and a Sitting Powerbomb —
but Ziggler kicks out! Wow. After another break, Barrett has Ziggler in a
headlock. Ziggler starts to break it and hits a nice DDT. Ziggler gets
the hot tag to Brayn. He’s all over Barrett after taking out Dust and
Harper. Flying Goat to Harper as he tags Ambrose. Ambrose hits a splash
on Barrett. Two count. Stardust sends Ambrose into the ropes. Comeback
Clothesline. Everyone goes for a spot. Ziggler hits a Superkick on Bryan
by accident, then nails Harper. Barrett goes for Wasteland but Ziggler
counters and dives at both Harper and Stardust. In the ring, Barrett
sets up for the Bullhammer but Ambrose ducks and counters with Dirty
Deeds to get the pin at 17:00.
WINNERS: Ambrose, Bryan and Ziggler
RATING: ***1/4. A VERY welcome quality match.
Stardust tries to steal the IC title and run into the crowd but leaves
the belt behind. Truth grabs it but Harper gets in his way. Truth throws
it back into the ring. Bryan gets up and grabs it. So does Ziggler. The
two fight over it. Barrett comes into the ring and it’s like an episode
of Oprah: everyone gets a Bullhammer. He grabs his title, takes out
Ambrose with a Bullhammer, then takes out Truth, who also gets in his
Steph and Triple H are having a moment
backstage. Seth interrupts. He wants to know what Steph and Triple H are
gonna do about things tonight. Steph says that it’s time for Rollins to
lay down in the bed he made. Seth blames Steph for what’s going on.
Triple H asks who Seth thinks he’s talking to. Seth goes nose to nose
and dares him to mess up the company’s future. Steph gets between them.
Triple H says that Seth should go before things go from bad to worse.
NEXT: Bray Wyatt talks.
LAST WEEK: Bray Wyatt talked. His chair was set on fire.
Bray Wyatt time. It’s another promo. It’s not in a ring. Doesn’t involve The Undertaker. So, who honestly cares?
NEXT: Orton and Rollins.
NEXT WEEK: Lesnar and Reigns go face to face.
ALSO NEXT WEEK: Snoop Dogg & Bill Simmons are here.
out for the final match. Rollins is out for a promo. Rollins says that
Orton has made the Authority look like fools. Then he laughs because,
surprise, it’s a set-up that nobody, but the entire fucking WWE Universe saw coming.
He’s made a fool out of Orton. He brings out the entire Authority in
Triple H, Steph, Big Show, Kane, and J&J Security. Orton goes
outside to grab a chair. He stands his ground. Triple H mocks him. They
surround the ring.
Crowd chants for Sting.
Everyone gets in the ring. Lights go out. The sound of a crow and Cole
ruins the fucking moment by saying, “What in the world…?” Lights come
back up. Sting’s in the ring with the baseball bat. The faces clear the
ring out. Sting hits the Stinger Splash on J&J. Sting hits a
Scorpion Deathdrop on Noble. Orton hits an RKO on Mercury. Crowd is
INSANE right now, chanting Sting’s name.
We go off the air because OMGFANSWEREOUTTATIMEENJOYTHEFIFTHELEMENTONTHETBSNETWOR–..
A LOT of build-up. I’d go ** for the decent Divas match, the IC tag
battle, and the Sting/Orton team-up at the end. There was a LOT of
filler here, however. 4 matches on a RAW card totaling in 35 minutes of
actual, recorded action? Not good.
Before we go…the best of Monday Night Open Mic:
None of this is gonna get any better. I want to hold out some hope but we all know it isn’t gonna be fixed.
Let’s blindly stumble along, shall we?
We are LIVE(!!!) from Newark, New Jersey!!!
Cole, Booker and JBL are the guys still employed to announce this shit.
Rollins starts us off as we’re reminded that he’s in a feud with a dude
who’s retiring from a completely different show that has nothing to do
with wrestling. Apparently, Rollins invited him to RAW, so our prayers
for WrestleMania have finally been answered. Rollins says Stewart’s on
his way from a movie shoot. Rollins tells him to turn around and go
home. This whole thing gets worse when Rollins reminds us that he’s
holding the MITB case. He yells until Roman Reigns’s music hits to some
Crowd is TNA soft right now as Reigns looks
smug as shit. Reigns says he wanted to come out and hear the crowd yell
“YOU SUCK”. He tells Rollins to continue. Rollins says he can rap
better than Wiz Khalifa and out-eat Mark Henry and he can out-wrestle
Reigns, which delights the crowd somewhat. He says he will be the next
WWE Champion. He says Reigns can’t beat Lesnar, but he can. Reigns says
that Rollins can’t beat Lesnar. He already had a shot and failed.
Rollins reminds him that he could beat the survivor at WrestleMania —
or even the next night on RAW. He can even do when the champ “least
expects it” because now it’s the Hardcore Title.
slaps the taste out of his mouth. Rollins bails. J&J attack but eat
a Superman Punch and Spear. Reigns stands tall as promo times have been
cut in half!
That’s right. Your main features on tonight’s show are talking and a Divas match.
Ambrose is on the way to the ring from backstage.
Meanwhile, Rollins’ jaw hurts because Reigns punched him real hard and Rollins “forgot what that was like”. Holy
fuckballs, I wish I was making that up. He blames Security for failing
him even though they constantly fuck up. PSEUDOVIPER Randy Orton shows
up and also blames J&J. He wants Rollins to ask Reigns to
fight so he can prove that he can “wrestle and talk like Jon Stewart”.
Ambrose faces Barrett because Ambrose
stole the IC Title. So did R-Truth. Then he gave it back to Ambrose.
Also, R-Truth is going to WrestleMania. Also, 4,200 WrestleMania seats
are available on StubHub. That can’t be coincidence.
MATCH #1: WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose (non-title)
is all over Barrett in the corner and beats him while he’s on the mat.
Ambrose gets up and takes over but Ambrose hits a forearm on a counter
and a Bulldog. He tries to go off the top rope and Barrett yanks him to
the mat, then boots Ambrose outside and we go to a break. When we come
back, Barrett is beating on Ambrose, then turns his attention to Truth,
who he shoves. Ambrose attacks on the distraction, hitting a dive, then a
flying elbow off the mat on the other side. Meanwhile, Truth rips off
the IC title. Back in the ring, Ambrose chops away at Barrett but
Barrett comes back with Winds of Change. Suddenly, Luke Harper shows up.
And he wants the IC Title, too. He takes it and walks away. Barrett
sets up the Bullhammer in the ring but gets distracted by Harper. Dirty
Deeds by Ambrose and Barrett loses at around 9:39. Again.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
Post-match, Ambrose blames Truth for the belt getting lost.
ON SMACKDOWN: Miz yelled at Miz-dow backstage because he was filming a penis pill ad without his permission.
then he does it again tonight on RAW. We even get the actual commercial
with Miz saying how small and soft his penis is, which is what I totally want to see on a three hour RAW show. Miz is enraged and slaps Miz-dow. Miz-dow is pissed…but backs down.
comes out to the entrance ramp and there’s an empty coffin with him. He
wants to know what’s left of The Undertaker. He says he made a coffin
for him. Because that’s what Bray does now: he makes coffins. Also, Bray
likes lighting shit on fire because it destroys like he does. He pours
gas on the coffin, then lights it on fire. Undertaker never shows up and
we go to commercial. We’re in the home stretch and we’re imagining a
WWE Network is number on online over everyone. Except porn. Chyna finally gets one up on Vince.
MATCH #2: Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, & Natalya vs. The Usos (Jimmy &Jey) & Naomi
“This match is something to smile about!” Jey uppercuts the shit out
Tyson but gets taken out on a double team by Cesaro. Jey hits a quick
Samoan Drop and tries the Rikishi Splash. Cesaro tags Natalya and bails
from the ring. Naomi tags on and it’s a series of counters before Naomi
hits a Sunset Flip fro two. Natalya injures her leg on a jump spot off
the ropes and tags Tyson. Jimmy gets the tag on the other end. He
manhandles Tyson and punches Cesaro. The Uso’s try a double Rocker kick
but Tyson tags his wife who gets pinned by Naomi at 2:53.
WINNERS: Usos and Naomi
Post-matchm Nattie yells at Tyson for tagging her in. Tyson hugs her and Nattie cries like a wimp into his shoulder. Awwww.
TONIGHT: Seth Rollins is gonna take on Roman Reigns to prove he can talk on a talk show!
NEXT: Cena announces his plans for WrestleMania, which he totally controls.
Sheamus is still returning, btw. Eventually.
Out pops John Cena. He
shows us clips from last week. He says the people are probably happy
that Rusev beat him at Fastlane. He says that those people shouldn’t
stay happy. He will overcome. Get back up, etc. Fans aren’t buying it.
He says that Rusev is a marked man who he will face later. But, right
now, he wants to go to WrestleMania. And he will do so by going to the
Andre the Giant Battle Royal.
That brings out
Stephanie McMahon and she’s not happy that Cena is just declaring his
candidacy for that battle royal. She says that Cena being in the battle
royal is an insult because Andre was an icon who once held her when she
was a little girl. Or something. None of this makes any sense. Cena says
his past credentials should get him in. Steph says nope because
Survivor Series. Cena calls her a bitch, which is certain to win her
over now. Steph says that Cena’s got an ego like Hogan, Hart, The Rock
and Austin. They all left and thought WWE would sink. She says it’s time
to find somebody who can beat Rusev.
Out comes Curtis
Axel who the crowd is behind for some reason. He kisses Steph’s ass and
says he deserves a spot at WrestleMania because he also met
Andre as a kid. Steph thanks Axel and says that Cena can prove himself
worthy by wrestling Axel. Or, alternatively, convince Rusev that he
deserves a re-match. Either one. To top off this shit sundae, Axel
imitates Hogan’s “whatcha gonna do” spiel and rips his shirt off. Why
don’t we bring back Juventud Guerrera as “The Juice”, also? I don’t
think we’ve hit the floor yet. Cena’s had it. He grabs the mic and tells
Axel to leave the ring. If Axel stays, he’s not walking out.
We get ready to go and then go right to a commercial.
MATCH #3: John Cena vs. Curtis Axel
plays to the crowd and imitates Hogan some more. Cena just glares. Axel
poses. And poses. And poses. And poses. And poses. And points. Cena
hits a clothesline. Axel Hulks up and points at the WM sign, then gets
AA’ed and STF’ed and Cena wins at 2:02.
WINNER: John Cena
Post-match, Axel leaves the ring just like Cena said he wouldn’t do. But, whatever. Rusev also appears with Lana. They mock him. Answer’s STILL no. Russian flag. 20 minutes just to get that.
segues into Triple H vs. Sting. He got an interview from Arn Anderson
and Michael Hayes who say that Sting was the “first to enter and last to
leave”. Booker says Sting never came to WWE all these years because the
“door was always locked”.
Triple H comes to the ring
and it’s time to settle in for more talking. Triple H reminds us of what
he offered Sting last week. However, Sting spat it back in his face.
Triple H says everyone has theories on why Sting never came to WWE until
recently. That includes Booker T, who he invites into the ring. He asks
if Booker really believes what he said a few minutes ago.
says that he knows Sting. He would have locked him out, too. He says
that Sting cannot be controlled. Hogan couldn’t and neither could the
nWo or Eric Bischoff. Sting’s here in the WWE and Triple H has to deal
with that. Triple H hears what he’s saying. He thanks Booker, then fires
him. Happy Black History Month. Then he says he’s just kidding because
he’s the boss and that’s what he can do. And he will use that to beat
After break, Cole is depressed that Triple H didn’t fire Booker T. And holy shit, we’re back and there’s a wrestling match.
MATCH #4: Paige (challenger) vs. Nikki Bella (champion) (w/ Brie Bella) for the WWE Divas Championship
beats on Nikki and tries the PTO but Nikki breaks using the ropes. She
falls out of the ring and, REALLY?! A fucking commercial?! When we come
back, Nikki is in control because stuff happened on the WWE App. She
hits a Spinebuster on Paige and tries to follow with a body drop but
Paige kicks her and rushes her. They both clothesline each other and hit
the mat. Paige hits Short Arm Clotheslines and a dropkick. Two count.
Paige goes for a PTO but Brie hops up on the mat. Paige charges her,
knocks Nikki down and hits the PTO again. Brie interferes for the
pointless DQ spot at 6:37.
WINNER: Paige via DQ
STILL CHAMPION: Nikki Bella
RATING: 1/4*. Ugh. No point to this.
Post-match, the Bellas get ready to beat up Paige — but AJ Lee makes another comeback to WWE and saves Paige. Together, the two faces rid the ring of the Bellas.
Backstage, Paige kinda, sorta thanks AJ for her help. AJ is weird and awkward as usual. Hooray. Divas. Wooo.
does The Daily Show. We get clips of when Rollins invaded The Daily
Show. He wants Jon Stewart…but Stewart doesn’t show. So, he tells a
bunch of lame jokes until he does. Stewart gets a bigger pop than
Reigns. Stewart and Rollins exchange goofy banter. Stewart calls him a
“SWAT Team Stripper with Lady Gaga’s hair,” then goes for the Mick Foley
city pop. Stewart says he doesn’t fear the Curb Stomp because that’s
how people from New Jersey say “good morning”. He name drops a bunch of
older wrestlers and says that Rollins is nothing but a poster that
people will get tired of and take off their wall. He says that The
Authority doesn’t care about him. If they did, he would be in the
main event at WrestleMania. He says that Rollins didn’t earn the MITB
case. Kane did it for him. Rollins has had enough. He and J&J
attempt to swarm Stewart. Orton’s music hits, Stewart kicks Rollins in
the nuts and rolls out of the ring, killing any heat Orton had to begin
with and making his appearance fucking pointless. Wow.
Renee interviews Jon Stewart who’s really nervous about Rollins finding him backstage. He runs off because he senses danger.
MATCH #5: Luke Harper vs. Daniel Bryan
brings the IC title with him. Harper just runs over him and slams him,
then punches at him in the corner. Finally, Daniel Bryan sidesteps
Harper’s attack and tries a dropkick but Harper grabs him and tosses him
over the top rope. Guess what? Commercial time! When we come back,
Bryan unloads YES Kicks and goes for the leapfrog off the buckle but
Harper catches him and hits Snake Eyes and a German Suplex for two.
Harper goes for the Powerbomb but Bryan counters and scoop pins Harper
for two. Superkick by Harper. Two count. Harper follows up but Bryan counters with the YES Lock for the win at 6:21.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan via YES Lock
points to the WM sign, post-match as Barrett comes down to the ring to
re-claim the IC title. Ambrose attacks him and grabs the belt. Harper
boots Ambrose in the face and he has the title. Harper rests in the
corner, so R-Truth pops out of the fucking floor and steals the
Hardcore IC Title from
Harper. Harper destroys Truth and he has it. Crowd chants for Ziggler,
the obvious choice, and he finally shows up and Superkicks Harper,
taking the title with him backstage. And Daniel Bryan watches Ziggler
with the IC Title. Bryan takes a long look at the belt on the big
screen, which is as insulting as it gets. They have a staring contest.
The next 2015 WWE Hall of Fame entrant is…Alundra Blayze & Madusa.
Seth Rollins is seething over Jon Stewart beating him up. Orton shows
up and says he saved Rollins and wants to help Rollins tonight against
Roman Reigns. Kane and Show show up and say they’ll be there. Orton
isn’t happy and wanders off.
Paul Heyman is in the ring
to address rumors. Lesnar will be at WrestleMania. He’ll be anywhere he
wants before and after that. He says that people need to believe in
Lesnar instead of believing in fairy tales like Daniel Bryan. The mic
keeps cutting out. He says that everyone “believes that” when it comes
to Reigns. He can beat every single Superstar ever in the history of
WWE. He goes on a huge rant about being conquered and beaten by Brock
Lesnar. Believe THAT.
Out comes Reigns for the main event.
NEXT WEEK: Rapper Wiz Khalifa is guest starring on RAW next week for some reason.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Roman Reigns hit Seth Rollins with the biggest punch ever in the history of punches.
MATCH #6: Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble, Joey Mercury, Kane and Big Show)
attacks and Rollins rolls out of the ring. Once he regroups, Reigns
hits a couple of simple atomic drops. Rollins regroups again and tghen
gets back in. He tries kicking Reigns but Reigns grabs his foot and
uppercuts him. Reigns just manhandles Rollins, flipping him to the mat
and hammering his head. Rollins finally breaks Reigns’ offense with a
dropkick and begins punching away. He eventually tosses Reigns outside.
J&J jump Reigns but Reigns throws them off of him like Chozen in the
Karate Kid, Part II, then clotheslines Joey Mercury. He gets back in
the ring — and Orton’s music hits. We go to break.
we come back, shit, the match is still going. I was holding out hope
that somebody was pinned during the commercial. Rollins has taken over
and has Reigns in a Sleeper. Reigns breaks free, lifting Rollins up and
slams him to the mat while Orton looks smug at ringside. Rollins charges
but misses his corner splash. Reigns hits clotheslines and a
Tilt-a-Whirl Slam. He sets up for the Superman Punch but Joey Mercury
grabs Reigns foot which the ref just allows to happen. Reigns dumps him
outside and gets dropkicked by Rollins. Rollins goes top rope but Reigns
attacks and goes for a Superplex. Rollins breaks the hold and tries the
neckbreaker. Reigns counters.
Noble jumps up on the
mat and gets taken out. Rollins shoves Reigns to the mat and then hits
the Championship Kick That Won Alberto Del Rio the World Title for two.
Both men are down but get back up. Rollins rushes at Reigns but Reigns
tosses him out of the ring. Reigns dives at Rollins but hits Big Show
instead. He rolls Rollins back in the ring but Kane clocks Reigns with a
chair and rolls him into the ring. Two count by Rollins. Rollins goes
for the Curb Stomp and misses. Reigns hits the Superman Punch and goes
for the Spear but Orton grabs Reigns’ leg. Rollins rolls Reigns up for
like a a full ten-count, which is ridiculous, and wins at 15:32.
WINNER: Seth Rollins
RATING: **. Horribly overbooked. Do we really need five dudes at ringside with Rollins?
Reigns dives at the entire Authority. Show comes back in and gets taken
out. Rollins goes top rope but Reigns hits a Spear in mid-air. He
stands tall as we go off the air.
OVERALL: *, overall. That’s being generous.
THE TOP COMMENTS FROM RAW OPEN MIC ON SCOTT’S BOD:
like to think that WWE has a grand plan…but this company just doesn’t
seem to give a shit about much of anything and makes booking decisions
just to run contrary to what people like to see. If I had to guess, I’m
estimating that nobody will believe that Daniel Bryan could take out
Lesnar and, so, Reigns and Lesnar battle it out which results in a
Rollins cash-in at WrestleMania with Bryan eventually getting the belt
Of course, I don’t know what direction this
company is going anymore. I still can’t explain a guest spot by “Grumpy
Cat” or how Cole botched the name and called him “Grumpy the Cat”.
Anyhow, my head hurts…let’s move on…
We are LIVE(!!!) from Nashville, Tennessee!!!
JBL, Cole and Booker are the guys on the mics…
Randy Orton comes out to a nice pop which should tell you starved this crowd is for something. For anything.
Last night, he returned and hit about 73 RKO’s to every single
Authority member in the ring. He says he’s been out the last four months
and he won’t talk anyone’s ear off. He says that he’s pissed at Seth
Rollins — which brings us to clips of last November when Rollins hit
the Curb Stomp on the steel steps.
He says that last
night, he was just getting started. Rollins thinks he escaped last night
on Fastlane — but it was merely a stay of execution. He calls out
Rollins — and out comes Triple H, Steph, Big Show and Kane instead.
Steph congratules him for returning against all odds. Steph says that,
last night, she saw the killer instinct in Randy Orton that made him
what he was. Orton’s not having it. He wants to bash Rollins’ brains in.
Steph says that him and Rollins can co-exist. She wants Orton to come home. Orton: “I’d rather kick some ass than kiss
some ass.” Show grabs a mic and says he knows how Orton feels. He says
that he joined the Authority and it was the best decision he made. Face
turn? What face turn? Show wants Orton on The Authority’s team. Orton
isn’t selling out. Steph says he’s not a good guy. He wants to reap the
rewards of his behavior. He’s done some awful things. She says she can’t
force him. She says she wants to have a “business conference” so that
he can come back home. She asks him he’s interested. Orton stands pat.
Everyone leaves the ring except Triple H…but he leaves as well.
tells them to stop…he’ll meet with them. Triple H leaves to set up a
WebEx or maybe a nice Skype. I can’t even keep up with this bullshit.
TONIGHT: HAVE WE SEEN THE LAST OF JOHN CENA???
ALSO TONIGHT: We will hear from Roman Reigns.
Crowd sufficiently murdered, we now begin our slew of matches…
News Barrett comes out while Cole takes us back in time to reminds us
the Dean Ambrose was disqualified last night at Fastlane for wrestling when the ref didn’t want him to.
Then he took Barrett’s belt anyhow, so he’s pretty much champion
because that’s how it works now. Barrett isn’t happy and wants the belt
MATCH #1: WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett vs. Dolph Ziggler (non-title)
is doing commentary because something, something, he beat Wade Barrett
so he matters now. Can’t wait for Sin Cara to sit in during the next Miz
match. Ziggler tries an armbar and pays for it as Barrett beats on him
and hits a snap suplex. Ziggler comes back with a neckbreaker and elbow
for two. Barrett comes back with a kick to the mid-section and follows
with a knee to the gut. Barrett puts on a Surfboard. Ziggler breaks but
Barrett kicks at him and then snaps him hard into the corner, getting a
two count. Barrett tries a boot to Ziggler’s head, but Ziggler hits a
dropkick and Barrett goes flying from the ring.
has Ziggler in a headlock when we get back from break. Ziggler breaks
it and chops at Barrett. He punches away at Barrett in the corner and
tries a DDT but Barrett catches him for Wasteland. Ziggler counters into
the DDT anyhow and gets two. Ziggler tries the Zigg Zagg but Barrett
kicks him in the stomach and hits a powerbomb. Two count. He sets up the
Bullhammer but Ziggler dicks and rolls him up for two. Ziggler tries
the Fame-Asser but Barrett counters into Winds of Change and NEARLY gets
the pin. Barrett kicks at Ziggler and won’t listen to the ref. Ziggler
comes out of the corner and rolls him up for two. Barrett charges,
Ziggler evades and hits the Zigg Zagg for the win at 11:07.
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via Zigg Zagg
RATING: **1/2. Not bad. Got better as it went along.
Dean Ambrose hits the ring with the IC title and taunts Barrett with
it. Ziggler looks at him and at no time does Barrett get up and grab the
belt during the distraction. Mm-kay.
NEXT: A look at Sting FINALLY being called out at Fastlane.
LAST NIGHT AT FASTLANE: Triple H and Sting faced off. Now, they’ll fight at WWE.
TONIGHT: We will take a look at THEMANCALLEDSTING.
Orton is in his “business meeting” with the Authority. Rollins starts
telling Triple H to take care of Orton. Kane says he suggests a “more
direct approach” with Orton for everything he’s done. Steph tells him to
shut his Demon Whore Mouth. Rollins says they can’t trust Orton. Steph
says everyone can forgive Randy. She asks if he’s on board with them.
Orton shakes hands with Rollins. Yaaaaaay. Steph says that, tonight,
it’s Randy Orton and Seth Rollins vs. Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns.
Sheamus is back. Not right now, but he’s back.
MATCH #2: The Prime-Time Players (Titus O’Neil & Darren Young) vs. The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor)
Konnor and Viktor cut a promo, trash-talking the goddamn Bushwhackers.
They beat on Young to start, hitting a double shoulderblock. Young
tries to escape and make a tag but Konnor pulls him away and then
attacks Titus. Finally Young tosses Konnor across the ring. The
Ascension just slams Young to the mat and it’s a two count as Titus
makes the save. Konnor takes him out of the ring. Young rolls up Viktor
for the win at 3:03.
WINNERS: The Prime-Time Players
RATING: DUD. Man…now The Ascension won’t get their title shot against the Bushwhackers!
the Ascension attacks Young. Then they cut a promo, trashing the Killer
Bees. That last part was a joke. Really. I don’t blame you for thinking
I was telling the truth.
The Rock was a presenter at the Oscars with Zoe Saldana.
Reigns heads to the ring and it’s a Cena-type crowd. Reigns says that
he had a Number 1 Contender’s Match — and he won. So he’s going to
WrestleMania. Crowd isn’t happy. He says that he gets it. They were
rooting for Bryan, but to all his doubters — hold that thought. Here
comes Daniel Bryan. He says that Roman won the Rumble and he deserves
his shot at WrestleMania. He says, however, that he didn’t feel good
inside and he is the biggest Roman Reigns doubter there is. Crowd
doesn’t like that too much. He says that people like Daniel Bryan
because he has heart — which is why they don’t like Reigns. He says
that, last night, he had the opportunity to go to WrestleMania. He came
up short despite giving it everything he had. He doesn’t regret
anything. They fought and he was beaten. All he has left to do is to
congratulate Reigns. He says he’s proud to team with Reigns tonight. He
just wants Reigns to beat Lesnar. Crowd isn’t buying this at all as
Paul Heyman shows up and he congratulates
Reigns. He says that Reigns was impressive. He says that, usually, his
money would be on Roman Reigns. He says that if it was Reigns vs. Andre
in ’87, Reigns vs. Austin or The Rock or pretty much anymore, his money
would be on Roman Reigns. Crowd is REALLY not buying this. He continues
to talk up Reigns but then says he’s the right guy in the right
place…but at the wrong time. He says he isn’t fighting a man at
WrestleMania, he’s fighting a beast. He says that Lesnar is unbeatable.
At the end of the main event at WrestleMania, the ref will call Lesnar
Reigns tells Heyman to stand in the middle
of the ring. Heyman does so. Reigns wants Heyman to repeat what he said.
Reigns says he already came face to face with Lesnar. He says when he’s
done with Lesnar, Lesnar won’t like him anyways. Whatever that means.
Cole says that WWE Network is celebrating its one-year anniversary and they’re having a marathon.
TONIGHT: Reigns & Bryan face Rollins & Orton
ALSO: The Usos are cashing in their re-match clause and will face the new champions.
LAST NIGHT AT FASTLANE: The Usos lost the Tag Titles.
#3: The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) (challengers) (w/ Naomi) vs. Cesaro
& Tyson Kidd (champions) (w/ Natalya) for the WWE Tag Team
Jimmy and Cesaro start and the action spills out
of the ring. It’s a bit of a brawl with Jey helping his brother. Tyson
gets into trouble and hides behind Nattie, which doesn’t make her happy
at all. Back in the ring, Cesaro puts Jimmy in a headlock but Jimmy
breaks and it’s tags on each side. Jey hangs Tyson in the Tree of Woe
and a flying headbutt for two. Jey tries to follow up and Tyson sends
him out of the ring. Jimmy helps Jey up. Tyson tries to fly at the two
of them but the the Usos catch him and throw him into the crowd barrier.
Back in the ring, Jey hits a crossbody on Tyson. Two count. After
break, Cesaro has Jey in a headlock. Tyson tags in after Jey breaks but
misses the flying springboard elbow. Jimmy tags in and it’s the Sudden
Stop for two by Cesaro and Kidd. They destroy Jimmy with some nice
double-teaming. Cesaro can’t hit the Superplex and Jimmy falls
backwards. Tag to Jey who hits a Superfly Splash but Kidd interferes
with an elbow off the top rope. Kidd gets rolled up for two. Jey hits an
Enzuguri but misses the Rikishi Splash. Kidd puts his feet on the ropes
for a two count. Naomi’s had enough and pulls Kidd’s feet off the
ropes. Nattie is furious and shoves Naomi, which causes a big pop. Jimmy
goes for the Superfly but Nattie channels her inner Elizabeth and pulls
him off the rope for the DQ at 10:27.
WINNERS: The Usos via DQ
RATING: **. Never took off.
STILL CHAMPIONS: Cesaro and Tyson Kidd
Mr. McMahon is the feature cover story of Muscle & Fitness.
Miz is using a lint roller to clean his jacket. He berates Miz-dow,
then says he’ll win the Andre the Giant Battle Royal at WrestleMania,
which is happening, I guess. Miz-dow is pleased to announce that he’s
getting calls left and right to star in stuff. He thanks Miz for all his
inspiration. Miz can’t believe it…then tells him to use the lint
LAST NIGHT: Bray Wyatt called out The Undertaker.
is backstage with a coffin. He wants to know what the Undertaker thinks
and feels when he closes his eyes. He says that Undertaker’s end
started last year when he lost to Brock. He tells Undertaker to find
Stardust is out for action and Cole “reminds us” what happened last night as Dusty Hill of ZZ Top is show in the stands.
MATCH #4: Stardust vs. Jack Swagger
isn’t happy Stardust and tweeted that Stardust is un-American because
he has no family or something. So, that’s why he’s here. Wrestling.
Right now. Like R-Truth. Star gets the early advantage as the crowd
chants “CODY”. This drives Star nuts and he stomps Swagger. Swagger
spears Star in the knee but misses the Swagger Bomb. Star tries the
Disaster Kick but Swagger locks in the Patriot Lock on a counter. Cody
quickly breaks. Goldust shows up. Swagger wins with the Patriot Lock on
WINNER: Jack Swagger via Patriot Lock
the crowd chants for Cody as Goldust just shrugs at Star and points, which I thought was illegal this month, unless it was at a WrestleMania sign.
LAST NIGHT: Cena lost to Rusev.
NEXT: Cena tells us what’s up.
WrestleMania hits my ‘hood in 34 days…
comes Cena. He says that Music City is riled up. Last night, he has to
give Rusev props: he took Cena to his limit. He got stuck in the
Accolade. He didn’t give up and he was “the first” to break that move.
Riiiiiiight. He says that he has no issue with losing. His issue is with
Rusev. Huh? He says that Rusev is a coward. Just to recap: Rusev’s
awesome and he won fair and square, which makes him a coward. Also, Cena
was the first to break the Accolade and he has no problem with Rusev
beating him and has a problem with Rusev.
Rusev and Lana. Lana says that they told Cena he’d lose. Lana says “we
told you so” is her favorite American phrase because no other country
uses common phrasing. Lana says Cena let his country down. He gave up.
He was beaten by a superior athlete. Rusev shoots his mouth off and Cena
tell him to watch his mouth. Lana says that Cena gave up. Cena says
that he always gets up when he gets knocked down. He says that he will
beat Rusev and bring the U.S. Championship back to the States. He wants
Rusev at WrestleMania. Rusev sneers and says Cena doesn’t deserve a
re-match and says that’s not happening. They walk off.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Randy Orton turned heel again. He just needs about a dozen more turns for the record held by Big Show.
backstage. Rollins shows up with Security. Orton tells them he doesn’t
want J&J there. Rollins tells them to leave. Orton says that he
doesn’t hate Rollins. They’re on the same page because that’s what’s
Best for Business™. Orton and Rollins shake hands.
NEXT: A look at Sting.
But, also next: Paige in action.
Titans coach Ken Whisenhunt is here and gets more heat than Roman Reigns, so there’s that.
And, now, a look at Sting.
MATCH #5: Paige & Emma vs. WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella & Brie Bella
You mean Emma and Paige just stood in the middle of the ring this entire time?!
Brie and Emma start. Brie cheap shots Paige, knocking her off the mat.
Brie hits the Bella Buster for the win at 30 seconds. Wasn’t it worth
WINNERS: The Bella Twins
Paige attacks Brie. Nikki gets Paige off of Brie and the two leave. We
also get to hear the Bella theme three times. Ugh.
Cole reveals the next Hall of Fame entrant who we already know are the
goddamn Bushwhackers thanks to the 50 texts, Tweets and Cole, himself,
already telling us who it is.
Anyhow, we get that reveal which Cole claims is “from a report from a magazine” as if he had NO idea.
Axel is in the middle of the ring to continue his AxelMania gimmick.
Ryback interrupts for a squash. But, first, he needs to yell into a mic.
Ryback says him and Curtis go way back. RybAxel was one of “the
greatest tag teams of all-time”. He’s gonna take Axel to Smashville
after “turning his upper lip south”. What in the holy hell is with the
MATCH #6: Curtis Axel vs. Ryback
Beating. Shellshock. Done at 0:46.
WINNER: Ryback via Shellshock
NEXT: Roman Reigns & Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton & Seth Rollins
AT SMACKDOWN: The Fired Three vs. The Authority (Rollins, Kane, Show) because the three newbz haven’t been embarrassed enough.
Seth Rollins is out to fight and we get clips of his feud with Jon Stewart of The Daily Show. He introduces Randy Orton.
#7: Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security – Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury,
Kane, & Big Show) & Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns & Daniel
Bryan and Rollins start. Series of counters and Bryan
knees Rollins in the gut on a whip. Bryan sets up for a Surfboard and
Reigns tags himself in. Rollins manages to tag Orton but Reigns hits a
running clothesline and tags Bryan. Orton drops Bryan, stomach-first, on
the top rope while Show, Kane and J&J applaud every few seconds
like they’re on Family Feud. Rollins gets into the ring and Bryan
dumps Rollins from the ring. He goes for a Flying Goat but Orton pulls
Rollins away. Orton pulls everyone in for a huddle and we go to break.
back and, despite the Authority totally telegraphing that they had a
plan, Reigns fell into it anyhow. Orton beats up Reigns, then tags
Rollins who punches away at Reigns. Reigns overcomes Rollins assault and
its a hot tag to Bryan who is all over Rollins. He hits a running
clothesline and some YES Kicks, but misses the Roundhouse. Bryan manages
to hit the YES Lock but Orton interferes. Orton and Reigns battle and
both men fall out of the ring. Bryan ejects Rollins from the ring and
hits a Flying Goat. Bryan goes top rope but Rollins stands up and knocks
Rollins tags Orton who throws Bryan into the
corner. Orton props Bryan up on the buckle. Bryan knocks Orton off but
misses the Flying Headbutt. Both men go for tags and both hit them.
Reigns knocks Rollins over with a clothesline as a fan starts a YOU
CAN’T WRESTLE CHANT. Reigns beats Rollins the corner and hits a Samoan
Drop. He sets up for the Superman Punch, hitting Joey Mercury who goes
for the distraction. Rollins hits an Enzuguri. Reigns and Orton trade
blows and Orton hits a powerslam in stride. Orton goes for a Rope DDT
but Rollins tags himself in. Orton hits the DDT anyhow, then leaves,
saying he’s done. Rollins set for the Curb Stomp but misses and Reigns
hits a Superman Punch. He sets up for the Spear but Bryan tags himself
in. Running Knee wins it at 16:12.
WINNERS: Bryan & Reigns
RATING: **. More of the same.
Bryan and Reigns celebrate. Orton is outside, pissed as hell. Orton
gets into the ring and stalks Rollins. He lunges at Rollins and Noble
interferes, then eats an RKO. Orton helps Rollins up and nobody knows
what the fuck is going on. Orton just leaves.
Crowd is just dead as we go off the air.
OVERALL: **. A dull show. This show could have been so much more. WrestleMania SHOULD be more than what it already is. The card is a massive fixer-upper.
Before we go, these were the best quotes from the RAW Open Mic:
Who will Rosa stalk next? Will Nattie be miserable?
Who is DABOMBDOTCOM? How much boob will we see? What the hell’s wrong
with Eva THIS week? Matt and I crawl through the muck that is Total
John and Nikki’s House
is ready to work out so, naturally, John Cena (who, at this point, I’m
convinced owns more costumes than a Hollywood wardrobe shop) walks
outside to join her, dressed in a wrestling singlet with a Luchadore
mask for some reason. Nikki’s somehow turned on by this (MATT: Some where, Sin Cara is grinning.)
and tells the camera that when her man comes out in spandex, she wants
to do “cardio inside”, so she decides to have sex with John rather than
work out. She goes Fifty Shades and tells him to put the mask back on as
they go inside. (MATT: She took THAT “seriously”, didn’t she?)
DALLAS, TX for Hell in a Cell
Ringside – Nikki vs. Brie
Nikki and Brie have a match
against each other as — at this point — WWE had to blow off their feud
after they made up, by inertia, on Total Divas. Brie tells the camera
the person she’s always wanted a match against was Nikki. The crowd does
the “Yes” chant to cheer on Brie. (MATT: Which I still don’t
understand. Bryan’s a face. Brie’s a…heel? I guess? It’s not clear.
So, it’s weird to see Brie doing a YES chant when Nikki and Brie aren’t
faces.) Brie uses the Yes lock on Nikki but Nikki breaks free. Nikki wins and the crowd boos her.
AUSTIN, TX for WWE Superstars
The Three Amigas are still friends this week and hang out backstage. (MATT: Oh, thank god.) Rosa points out how dry her lips are. Paige jokes it looks like she has herpes. (MATT: And Rosa storms off, saying she no longer wants to hang out while Fox pouts with concern.) Rosa says she doesn’t have herpes. Paige goes into protective “whoa, dude” mode and says she was just joking about the Herpes. (MATT: Because dry lips totally look like Herpes.)
Ringside – Tyson vs. Sin Cara
Nattie is now Tyson’s valet and tells the camera it’s awkward for her because of their (MATT: totally fake)
separation. A bunch of fans chant “NATTIE’S HUSBAND” during that match,
which really sums up his ring persona quite well. Tyson wins against
Sin Cara, which also does his credibility no favors. It’s like our cat,
Inky, defeating a leaf that wandered in from the patio. Nattie tells the
camera that “the struggle between them is real” (MATT: As real as her breasts.) and no one over 5 years old watching this show is fooled.
goes to TJ and calls him out in a whiny voice. She tells the camera she
has waited her whole career to work with him and now that it’s a
reality, it really sucks. He admonishes her, telling her that, when they
go through the curtain to the ring, they are working. This is surreal:
WWE and Total Divas are supposed to line up. Total Divas would have us
believe that TJ and Nattie are on the cusp of a total split while WWE
Creative thinks that they’re the Macho Man and Elizabeth. Every other
Diva’s storyline reflects Total Divas. (MATT: Nothing makes sense anymore in WWE. This Monday’s edition of RAW was a major indicator of that.)
“The Three Amigas” goof off backstage by pushing each other around on a service cart, down the hall. (MATT: Total disregard of OSHA regulations is SO FUNNY!) They see Cameron and Alicia is reluctant to be nice to her as they have “a history”. (MATT: They do?!)
Alicia storms out even using Cameron’s oh-so-clever “Girl, Bye” line.
She tells Rosa and Paige that she is trying to be cool with everyone but
Alicia won’t have any of it. Rosa invites her on a “girl’s trip”, (MATT: Another one?!)
which is comprised of Rosa and — surprise!!! Alicia Fox. Paige can’t
go because she’ll be with WWE’s Worldwide Tour in Malaysia. (MATT: Rosa, pro-tip here – if it’s you and another girl, you might as well give up and stay in town to take in a movie.) Cameron likes this idea. (MATT: Which, considering the most recent stand-off between Fox and Cameron, makes NO sense whatsoever in any fucking dimension you happen to inhabit.) She says that her and Fox can bond personally and, as they are both heels, they could join forces in the ring.
Dolph Ziggler flirts with Nattie as she’s hanging out with Naomi. He
says he wants Nattie to text him. She says she will “once she’s on the
market”. She tells Naomi that her dad is sick, her relationship is a
mess, and all she has now is work. To make matters worse, she has to
fumigate her house and stay in a hotel. Naomi offers to let her stay with them, (MATT: Like last time when that ended well.) and Nattie agrees but she needs Naomi to pick her up as our Calamity Jane has transmission problems on her car. (MATT: What is she, Job all of the sudden?!)
Luci’s Healthy Marketplace
Brie drags Nikki in to get coffee and grocery shop. Nikki finds a horse mask (MATT: Totally not just placed there by the prop department because those are readily available at organic grocery stores all over the country.)
and forces Brie to put it on for a photo. Then Nikki proceeds to call
Brie an “idiot” for being subservient and doing what she says. (MATT: Creative’s shitty Bella storyline’s leaking into other programming…ugh.) Anyhow,
we go from horse heads to making good on contractually mentioning
vaginas at least once an episode by browsing for organic tampons, which
Nikki claims “naturally works with your body”. (MATT: Are the tampons debating legislation inside her womb? What does that even mean?) Nikki also points out “vegan-certified condoms”. (MATT: Which totally sounds like something Nikki would use since she’s Vegan.)
Brie mentions she doesn’t use condoms as she’s married, Nikki,
apparently only knowing one form of birth control that exists, tells her
that if she doesn’t use condoms, she’ll have babies. Brie admits she
isn’t on any birth control as that’s putting chemicals in her body.
Instead, she has Bryan use the pull out method which Brie dubs, “The Old
Fashioned Way”. (MATT: Right now, Luci’s Market’s like, “The publicity’s worth it, the publicity’s worth it, the publicity’s worth it…”)
(DANIELLE’S NOTE: I was in college when I heard the joke, what do you
call people who only use the method for birth control? Parents.) Nikki
tells her that she needs to think about their career, which makes no
sense since Brie as a valet is about the same as Brie in the ring,
wrestling. (MATT: Nikki actually meant “MY” career.) Brie says it’s her life and she doesn’t wake up in the morning and think of Nikki and “their career”.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Beach Bunny (Boutique)
Alicia and Rose try on bathing suits for their trip and then pretend in front of the store clerks that they’re gonna walk right out the door with their bikinis on. (MATT: Man, they make Emma look like Ethan Hunt.) The store clerks don’t give a shit and they just laaaaaugh…
|(MATT: “Petty larceny is hilarious!!!”)|
get lots of jiggling and then the girls take off in Alicia’s car.
Alicia is still bummed that Cameron is going on the trip. Alicia says
people are different at work than in real life and implies they will get
along great. Rosa assures her that nothing will happen. Alicia wants a
“pinky swear” on that.
John and Nikki’s House
is opening champagne and her and John toast getting the last rays of
the day as well as her successful merchandise meeting to build up “The
Bella Brand”. John is impressed that she is meeting with all the right
merch people. Apparently, they are the first Divas to get that much —
then she calls herself the “female John Cena” on camera as they now have
lots of merch like he does. (MATT: To be fair, they both have huge chests.)
Nikki brings up that she is worried that Brie isn’t using birth control
except for Bryan pulling out. John thinks it’s their business as they
are married. Nikki continues, however, to argue her side. (MATT:
Which causes Cena to slightly roll his eyes and emit a frustrated
sigh/grunt as the writers force him to pull Nikki from the Idiot Ledge
again.) “I can’t stop thinking about Brie’s sex life,” she tells the
camera. Nikki, didn’t you have a fit when Brie was interfering in your
personal life? John starts with the logic train and tells her that it’s
out of Nikki’s hands, prompting Nikki to tell the camera, “That is NOT
the answer I was looking for!” Nikki’s pissed and wonders how Brie is
going to have a child and what she might do with it after they have it. (MATT: Yeah, Brie. Nobody’s ever had kids in WWE before. This is foreign territory.) She says that having a baby is not good for business. (MATT: And, Triple H is on the phone, seeing if he can sue for breach of trademark on his key phrase.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
arrives for the “girl’s weekend” which, inexplicably, means her
boyfriend, Vincent, is there as well. Alicia, expecting this to be a
girl’s trip exclusively for girls, is not happy with this. She tells the
camera Cameron can’t do anything without her boyfriend, stating, “We
already have a 3rd wheel. We don’t need 18 more.” (MATT: She’s ruined
the same metaphor twice in one show and now she’s adding wheels to the
ruined metaphor so that it makes even less sense.) Cameron is wearing a black leather dress with studded collar which Rosa just loves. (MATT: I didn’t see that coming, did you?) Then
Cameron twerks. Then Rosa tries to imitate Cameron twerking and this is
so disturbing, it makes Vincent look physically ill.
|(PICTURED: The effect Rosa has on just about every single man on the planet.)|
tells the camera she is excited as they are going to dance the night
away. Cameron is excited to be working with Alicia and thinks this trip
will help them not want to kill each other at work.
|(MATT: And then, they danced as Vincent
pondered his very existence in the corner.)
complains about being Naomi and Nattie’s “chauffeur” as they roll up in
front of Nattie’s place. Because we need to be reminded that Nattie’s
still human and not a crazy lizard person/cat lady, we get a really
goofy segment where Nattie’s neighbor shows up to tell Nattie how
“sorry” she is about her and TJ.
|(WRITERS: “Betty White wouldn’t return our calls after her guest spot on RAW.”)|
who’s only supposed to be staying with the Uso couple for a “few days”,
has enough packed bags for a few weeks — then realizes she left
something in the house. So, naturally, Nattie decides to go in and get
it. Despite the house being sealed up with signs reading “FUMIGATION”
and “CAUTION: DEADLY POISON”. (MATT: It’s cool. Those chemicals actually keep Nattie sane.) Nattie
puts a blanket over her head to go get her cats’ bowls. Naomi tells the
camera she hopes Nattie makes it out as they are not going in to get
her. (MATT: Nice to know that’s on tape for the eventual inquiry into Nattie’s death.)
Nattie reappears, sans blanket, but with the bowl and states that “she
held her breath” the entire time. Couldn’t she have gone to a store and
bought another bowl? (MATT: It’s Nattie. If she needed milk and she
locked herself out of her house, she would have broken into a neighbor’s
house to get it, then asked Naomi and Jimmy to cover up the robbery.)
TJ has one of their cats, as it turns out. That cat couldn’t handle new
surroundings. Nattie yacks about how awful her life is. Her separation
is hell and she makes reference to her father, Jim Neidhart, undergoing
some medical crisis. The cats are shedding in the car it gets in John’s
eye and on the straw to his drink. The hair gets in Naomi’s mouth as
Naomi and Jimmy claim that they’re happy to help.
Brie and Daniel’s House
is helping Daniel in the garden and says that Josie (their dog) likes
to pee in their garden. Brie somehow glides right into the fact that
Nikki wants them to use condoms. Daniel brings up the “we’re married”
argument. She reminds Daniel that she had been on the pill before, but
it made her moody and gain weight, and then she says it also gave her
“bigger boobs”. Bryan doesn’t remember that part. (MATT: Just go with it, Bryan. It’s nonsense. Like “The Bella Brand”.)
Brie says that Nikki’s worried about their careers. Bryan reminds her
that they’ve been split up several times and their careers were just
fine. They decide that if Nikki needs Brie for her to make money, that
Brie must be the breadwinner in the twins’ relationship. Brie suggests
that they should have a baby. Bryan says he could start having babies
“in 10 minutes”.
LOS ANGELES, CA
The girls fight over who will drive. (MATT: For some reason.) Cameron says it’s “her city”, so she should drive. (MATT: “Her city”? What is she, Batman?) However, the car is in Alicia’s name so she wins. Rosa illogically sits in back
so the girls can fight. Cameron acts obnoxious on purpose so Alicia drives bad on purpose, though they don’t crash. (MATT: Is this fake feud worth the lives of others?)
Runyon Canyon Park
The view makes Cameron mention how happy going to NXT made her because she “perfected herself”. (MATT: And it shows, what with all that ring time she’s been getting.)
Alicia says that makes her happy as she needed it. Alicia says she’s
surprised Cameron was willing to do hard work. Cameron reminds the
camera that her goal is to be friends with Alicia so she can use her
professionally. (MATT: Aren’t these girls supposed to be jogging?) Cameron
says Fox is a “grandma” who had to spend 2 years in developmental while
she only needed to go back for 3 months. Fox tells her that her time
there really shows now.
Clever Koi (Restaurant)
is having dinner with Brie and Daniel. Nikki takes a reeeeeeally long
time, hugging Bryan from behind while Bryan looks visibly annoyed. Brie
says Nikki smashed her boobs into her husband’s head. Bryan: “Don’t
worry. They just felt like two hard rocks.” Nikki’s insulted and says,
“They’re just silicone.” Nikki tells the camera she will put an end to
them only using the “pull-out method” and she “will not take no for an
answer”. (MATT: DIDN’T WE JUST HAVE NIKKI PISSED OFF AT BRIE THREE EPISODES AGO FOR DOING THIS VERY THING?!)
Brie says her husband will be a great stay-at-home Dad. Brie says that
now that she is married, she likes coming home and being normal. Nikki
chides the couple for their birth control choice and says that they can
accidentally get pregnant. Brie finally calls out Nikki on camera,
saying Nikki is a hypocrite who got mad when she got in her personal
life and now she is doing the same thing. They remind Nikki that she
even wants marriage and kids. Brie says having a family would be the
best thing she ever did. She says the bit with Stephanie was already her
career-high. Nikki says this affects THEDEMONVIPERVIGILANTEBELLABRAND™.
Nikki says it’s time to start thinking about her and not about what they
want. Brie tells her if they want to start trying that night, they
will. Daniel calls her out for only thinking of money. Brie says Nikki
will never be a mother, thus she doesn’t want Brie to be one either, and
Nikki says that is hitting below the belt. Brie says it’s “disgusting”
that she’d bring up that kind of stuff in public. (MATT: Yeah, a public restaurant is for tasteful conversation about things like seal slit and using tablecloths as tampons.) Both
Brie and Nikki both claim to have lost their appetite. Bryan isn’t even
interested in faking this shit and starts eating from Brie’s plate.
John and Naomi’s House
is cleaning up a mess the cat left on the kitchen floor. Jon asks if
Nattie has seen their wedding pics as that’s just what you do with
someone who is going through marital strife. (MATT: Didn’t they get married like a YEAR ago?)
They ask Nattie how she and TJ are doing. Nattie admits to looking back
at their past. Nattie says their photos remind her a lot of what she
and TJ had. They encourage her to cry about her marriage. (MATT: She’s always
crying. If only California could find a way to redirect her tear ducts
into their water supply, we’d end the drought in a week.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
girls are poolside and admire a woman’s flesh colored bikini top with
fake nipples on it, which the woman dubs, “The Tata Top”. (MATT: And WWE censors the not-really-bewbz.)
|(MATT: Susan G. Komen would be so proud right now.)|
girls randomly talk about who they resemble. Rosa says she has been
mistaken for Sofia Vergara. They ask some random passerby who Cameron
looks like. The woman somehow comes up with Halle Berry. (MATT: “Here’s your $20 bucks, lady. The episode will air three months from now. Thanks for being on the show.”)
Alicia says that Cameron looks like a “bootleg Nikki Manaj”. Cameron
retaliates, telling Alicia that she looks like a “stank version of
Rhianna”. Fox invokes the “Third Wheel” metaphor again. After some more arguing, Cameron walks off so they can have their girls’ time alone.
follows Cameron to try to smooth things over, saying she thinks that
Alicia is trying to be funny. Cameron agrees to sit down with Alicia,
one on one. Both girls admit they think the other started out as mean.
Cameron is surprised to hear that Alicia feels like Cameron was there to
replace her. Cameron says, on camera, that there is room for everyone
in WWE. Alicia tells the camera that there are specific roles in WWE,
which is much more true than Cameron’s version of it, and that she let
her insecurity make her think Cameron was brought up to take her role,
in particular. The girls agree they can be friends. (MATT: Hooray! The Three Amigas are solid once aga–wait. Where’s Paige?)
John and Naomi’s House
comes home to a lit candle as the cat took a dump on the floor again
and complains that the cat made forts out of blankets and shed all over
them. John couldn’t handle it, so he left. (MATT: Did he knock something over before he bolted?) Nattie
hits the Guilt Trip Button and offers to leave with all her stuff and
starts to pack up. Nattie tells her not to go and to focus on the
positive things in her life. Naomi reveals she cleaned out the cat box
with her bare hands as Nattie forgot a scooper. Nattie asks for a spoon
to clean it out for the time being and is surprised when Naomi hates the
idea. (MATT: Time to get Nattie back to her place so she can huff more fumes.)
MEMPHIS, TN for WWE Superstars
and Cameron sit down to talk to Paige. Rosa points out if she kissed
Cameron, it wouldn’t mess up their lips as they have the same color on.
Cameron is not even remotely pleased by this.
|(MATT: “Rosa Achievement Unlocked – Offend both genders in one episode”)|
And Paige is like…
|(MATT: “Welcome to my private hell, sweetie.”)|
Paige says she could hug Cameron and it woudn’t feel different as they are “both wearing fur”. (MATT: And the Three Amigas are friends once aga–wait. Where’s Alicia?)
Ringside – Alicia vs. Naomi
They fight, but it’s so boring, we don’t even see how it turned out.
and Paige watch the match, Rosa spends more time looking at her phone.
Cameron is happy she is getting along with Alicia as it’s best for
business if they get along.
Meanwhile, Nikki has a
meeting with Mark Carrano, Senior Director, Talent Relations and Joe
Hickey, Manager, Talent Merchandise to see how their merch would do if
it’s only her. (MATT: Already? It’s not like Brie’s dropping a kid tomorrow.)
Mark is relieved to hear the pregnancy question is a hypothetical. He
says the Bella Twins “brand” is stronger than Fearless Nikki or Brie
Mode. Then, for some silly reason, Mark, who has already stated what
everyone would already understands asks Joe what he thinks. Joe says
Bella Twins is strong but they could brand Fearless Nikki well. In a bit
of (WWE spoilers ahead) a foreshadowing, Nikki states she may be
winning the Divas Championship soon, so that might help. Nikki is happy
her brand can be kept strong, but Mark wants Brie to come see him
immediately about her baby fever. (MATT: “You better start thinking of Mark Carrano Brand and stop pulling out!”)
HUGS AND PUNCHES
This week’s hug goes to…Brie: The
choice of if and when to be a parent is a personal decision that
shouldn’t be decided by one’s co-workers. Sure, Nikki is also her
sister, but she’s treating this like business is the only thing that
matters. She’s jealous and needs to realize her sister and her husband
need to do what’s best for them. When Brie quit WWE, I thought it was a
real-life decision, covered up by kayfabe and, maybe, that’s when they
should have tried for a family. Regardless, these two are down to earth
and would probably be great parents, I hope when the time for them to
start their family arrives they are quickly blessed with a pregnancy.
This weeks punch goes to… Nikki: Bullying,
bargaining, scheming. These are not ways to get what you want.
Especially when what you wants means if you get what you want, someone
else loses something they really want. She got all mad when Brie
interfered in her personal life and she doesn’t even see the hypocrisy
of her actions.
His commentary is
actually pretty brilliant stuff and makes light of the bullshit we’ve
been witnessing from WWE Creative (Sting’s mastery of Final Cut Pro, the
arbitrary Cena/Rusev feud, etc.) and that’s a relief.
course, you may feel free expound and tell me I’m full of shit in the
comments. As you all know, I look forward to that and I hope we have
some good conversation.
We start with the titles.
And we are LIVE(!!!) from Orlando, Florida!!!
Michael Cole, JBL and Booker T are the guys manning that one desk with the mics.
start with John Cena who, I swear, has the booing built into the his
music at this point. He says that we’re only a week away from Fastlane.
He says the crowd will be rockin’, but he likes what he sees tonight as
ORLANDO IS RAW. But he has something to show us from last week. We get
clips of the Rusev beatdown from last week.
NO MORE. He’s been told that Rusev is unstoppable. He doesn’t agree.
This Sunday, he’s gonna beat Rusev. He says that he’ll save everyone the
trouble of thinking about it and he’ll tell everyone how to do it. He
says he’s been doing this for years and he loves it when the fans boo
(they boo) and cheer (they cheer) and that’s what RAW is all about. (DANIELLE: Because I get paid either way, assholes!) He
says that there won’t be any high fives, just five fingers balled in a
fist. He will be the first WWE Superstar to beat Rusev. This Sunday, he
will win the United States Championship. The more he pounds the
Championship angle, the more he’s convincing everyone he’s gonna lose.
brings out Rusev and Lana. Lana says Cena just delivers the same tired
rhetoric. She says that Cena’s cup is half-full. Her and Rusev live in
reality. He’s the greatest United States Champion. Rusev is even better
than Cena: the man who never gives up. This time, however, there isn’t
any coming back from what Rusev is going to do. Rusev grabs the mic and
he’s gonna destroy Cena’s body, spirit and his “little will to live will
Cena tells Rusev that Rusev has never
had his ass kicked. So, stay there. He’s coming down to kick Rusev’s
ass. Cena runs down the ramp and tackles Rusev, punching away, then
clotheslines him. Referees come out to stop Cena, but there’s only two
of them as the rest are in the middle of a good round of Texas Hold ‘Em.
Cena tells them to back off and they do. Cena just belts Rusev in the
face. Rusev is laid out and Cena yells, “EVERY MAN CAN BE BEAT” into his
MOMENTS AGO: Cena beat up Rusev.
praises SNL’s 40th Anniversary…and, apparently, Dean Ambrose tried
out for Weekend Update. Ha. Cole shows us a clip of Ambrose in a suit,
announcing that he’s taking on Bad News Barrett at Fastlane in a sketch
that aims to be “funny” and fails.
MATCH #1: Luke Harper vs. Dean Ambrose
back-and-forth sees a Harper shoulderblock and Ambrose headlock
followed by a wristlock. Harper breaks it and puts Ambrose in the
corner, slapping at him. A whip sees Ambrose hitting a cross body and
flurry of punches. Ambrose follows up, beating Harper in three of the
first four corners, then hits a nice Reverse Flying Elbow off the second
buckle, followed by a Flying Ambrose through the ropes to the outside.
Harper somehow no-sells that and boots Ambrose in the head. When
we come back from break, Harper has Ambrose in a headlock. During the
break, Cole tells us that were saps for not having the WWE App. If we
had it, we would have seen Harper slapping Ambrose in the mouth. Ambrose
finally breaks the hold and dumps Harper outside. Harper leaps back
into the ring but ends up in a Tornado DDT from the turnbuckle. Harper
gets to his feet but Ambrose bolts to his feet as well and punches away
at Harper, hitting a nice running sitting dropkick. Ambrose hits a nice
Flying Clothesline which JBL calls the “Air Psycho”. He gets two, then
goes top rope again. He leaps and flies over Harper, who hits a
Superkick for a close fall. Harper tries a powerbomb but Ambrose breaks
it only to fly right into a Twirling Side Slam by Harper for another
close fall. Harper tries the Clothesline from Smell but misses. Harper
ducks a move and boots Ambrose into the ropes for the Rebound
Clothesline from Ambrose, then Dirty Deeds for the win at 11:04.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: **3/4. Really decent match to start off.
Cole talks about the Rhodes brothers having issues. Dusty is here, tonight, to help settle things.
TONIGHT: Triple H will respond to the time he called Sting out and got punked.
ALSO OMG WE’RE SWITCHING WRESTLERS IN THE FEUDS THAT WON’T DIE:
H is talking to Kane. Show shows up. Kane and Show don’t like each
other because of what happened on Smackdown. Triple H gets in the middle
of them but the two keep arguing. Triple H says that, when they argue,
they make him look like an ass. Show: “You mean, how Sting made you
look?” He takes it back when Triple H glares at him. Triple H says he’ll
take care of Sting but that he’s looking for solutions.
Bray Wyatt time. He has a nail for a coffin. He says that he’s not afraid of who he used to fear…in fact, it’s coming…
and Golddust are backstage. Dusty interrupts and he’s not impressed
with Cody’s Stardust thing. He says that the three of them share common
blood. No matter what goes down, he loves them both. He says that they
are gonna take care of business tonight. Gold asks Star if he’s ready to
go tonight. The two shake hands and hug.
MATCH #2: The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods) (w/ Big E) vs. Gold & Stardust
E drums the mat which doesn’t work. At all. Woods knees Star in the
stomach but Star manages to get a tag to Gold who gets hip tossed to the
mat. Gold manages to put Woods in the corner and the Rhodes brothers
tag in and out. Woods hits an Enzuguri to Gold and gets a tag to Kofi
who attacks Star and kicks Gold. He hits a clothesline and legdrop. He
sets up for a move and ends up hitting a crossbody. Some
miscommunication, however, leads to Gold getting kicked in the face by
Kofi, who pins Gold for the win at 3:00.
WINNERS: New Day
Post-match, Star helps Gold up — then hits Cross Rhodes and leaves. Hooray. Good job, Dusty, you fixed it.
interviews Roman Reigns backstage. He’s focused on WrestleMania. He
says that Seth Rollins tried to find a way to worm his way into their
match. He says that he’s going to WrestleMania. Believe. Dat.
Meanwhile, at ringside, Daniel Bryan comes out to do commentary as Reigns is due to take on Kane.
a break, Dusty confronts Cody backstage. Cody says a bunch of bullshit,
then denounces his father, telling him that, like Cody, Dusty his also
dead to him.
And, like 9 minutes later, people are still yelling YES at Daniel Bryan.
MATCH #3: Roman Reigns vs. Kane
Bryan: “I have one less title defense than Brock Lesnar.” Nice. Reigns
suplexes Kane as Reigns looks on. Kane puts Reigns into the turnbuckle
on the distraction and it’s a headlock as Daniel Bryan suddenly starts sounding like a fucking heel.
Reigns fights out but runs into a Kane elbow. Reigns tries a top rope
attack but Kane uppercuts him. Kane hits a Sitting Dropkick. Two count.
Reigns comes back with clotheslines and a Samoan Drop. Bryan starts
another YES chant and Reigns is distracted — then runs into a Kane big
boot. Kane goes outside and tears the announce table apart. Kane
grabs Reigns and tries a Chokeslam but Reigns hits a Spear. Kane is
counted out at 6:20.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
RATING: 1/4*. PLEASE. STOP. THIS. FEUD.
Post-match, Bryan taunts Reigns with the YES chant.
TONIGHT: Daniel Bryan faces the Big Show.
Triple H calls out Sting because he didn’t like the way Sting reacted
to being called out the first time he was called out.
Renee Young wants to know what Bryan’s thinking about Sunday. Bryan
says that Reigns is gonna need to get used to the YES chant.
Bray Wyatt. Again. He has a hammer this time. He says that his opponent is in limbo…and he’s waiting.
is waiting outside the Diva’s locker room and actually gives us a
reason why he’s there. The Bellas come out and they have Paige’s gear.
They say that Paige will have to wrestle naked tonight. You know,
because wrestlers don’t have more than one costume. Paige flies out of
the dressing room and says her gear’s been stolen. She asks Cameron if
she can borrow her gear. Cameron says she can but it won’t look good.
Girl, bye. Then Adam Rose’s Special Bus People shows up. Paige yanks the
candy plum fairy one into the dressing room and we go to break. Way too much thought is going into this…
MATCH #4: Summer Rae vs. Paige
looks hotter than hell in a skirt and stockings and boots. Summer mocks
her and Paige just clotheslines her with the top rope. She knees Summer
in the face and screams. Summer comes back with a Leg Scissors
Surfboard. Nice move. Paige counters with a pin that gets two. Summer
breaks and hits a legdrop but Paige moves out of the way of the
follow-up. Clotheslines to Summer and the PTO for the win at 2:45.
WINNER: Paige via PTO
Nikki has the mic and insults Paige’s outfit. Paige says she doesn’t
care. All she needs to do is win. And she will at Fastlane. Nikki storms
NEXT: Seth Rollins faces Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus is returning…
Rollins and J&J Security hit the ring. Rollins says that today is
President’s Day where they honor the great leaders of the past. But
that’s a waste of time since the future is standing in front of
everyone. He says he can do what he wants when ever he wants. He can
even be the new host of The Daily Show. The crowd, who isn’t smart
enough to watch the show, doesn’t know whether to boo or cheer.
H=Rollins says that he has to deal with with people who are far beneath
him like Ryback, Erick Rowan and Dolph Ziggler.
comes out to interrupt. He asks Rollins if he had a bad Valentine’s Day.
Maybe his Security team got him the wrong chocolates? Maybe Triple H
failed to explain the birds and bees. Rollins interrupts and calls him
and his career pathetic. Ziggler agrees and says that Rollins is right.
He’s nothing compared to Rollins. He’s not a whiny douche like Rollins. He tells “the Hobbits” to leave the ring so he can kick Rollins’ ass. Cole: “Yeah, Frodo and Bilbo! Leave!” Sigh…
MATCH #5: Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) vs. Dolph Ziggler
is tossed from the ring. Rollins distracts the ref so Security can
attack Ziggler but the ref is hip to this and tosses Security out of the
matc. Rollins is furious and goes after Ziggler, pushing him back into
the ring. Ziggler quickly rolls him up for two. Rollins kicks at Ziggler
and puts him in the corner but misses an attack. Ziggler hits a corner
splash. Big Elbow Drop gets two. Ziggler tries a Buckle Bomb but Ziggler
rolls him up for two. DDT by Ziggler gets two as well. Ziggler tries a
Zigg Zagg but Rollins breaks and hits a dropkick for two. Rollins kicks
at Ziggler, then goes top rope but Ziggler leaps up to grab Rollins.
Rollins shoves him and it’s a series of counters. Ziggler hits the
Superkick and Zigg Zagg but Security’s here to fuck up another match at
WINNER: Dolph Ziggler via DQ
RATING: **1/4. Why bar Security from the ring if you’re gonna have them do the run-in DQ spot anyway?!
it’s Yet Another Mudhole Stomp until Rowan and Ryback come in to even
the odds. They miss Mercury and Rollins but they do get a piece of Noble
as Ryback hits a Spinebuster.
FASTLANE KICKOFF: MizTV will have special guest Paul Heyman
comes Triple H to “react” to Sting as we get clips of Sting trolling
him last week. The crowd chants “WE WANT STING”. Triple H has heard a
rumor saying that he’s afraid of Sting. He says that it takes more than
mind games to get under his skin. At Fastlane, WCW will stand there and
Then Ric Flair just shows up
because why the hell not? Triple H holds the ring ropes for him as he
gets in the ring. Flair says he’s out here because he loves and respects
Triple H, so he doesn’t wanna be cussed out “like you guys do to all
the other guys each week”. Triple H interrupts him and says that if
Flair’s here to sing the praises of Sting, he says Flair should save his
breath. Flair says not to take Sting lightly. He tells Triple H not to
put himself in a position to fail. Triple H says he knows how good Sting
is. He says that he watched Sting get in the ring for 60 minutes at
Clash of the Champions. He’s seen him win titles and stand tall. He was
an icon and one of the greatest. He was WCW.
Triple H says
he admires all of that — but then Sting disappeared. That was the
right thing to do. He says that if Sting showed up after all that,
Triple H would have run him out of WWE. He says that Sting built his
reputation on Flair’s reputation. Flair tries to interject but Triple H
stops him and says that he is WWE. Flair says that he’s right: Sting is
already getting to him. He says people have stopped him and asked “Ric,
who is the greatest?” Flair says Triple H is always the greatest. Flair
says that he doesn’t want Sting to sneak up on Triple H.
H says that he’s not Ric Flair…but…when it comes to kicking Sting’s
ass, Flair’s no Triple H. Flair looks hurt and says, “Do me a favor:
when I tune in Fastlane, don’t let me catch you sittin’ on your ass like
you did last time. Fair enough?” Triple H isn’t please and shoves Flair
to the mat. He says that if Flair thinks he’s gonna let Sting take WWE
from him, he’s mistaken. He will make sure that Sting never shows his
face here again. He leaves the ring. Flair’s music hits even though he
was humiliated. But, it’s cool.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Cena attacked Rusev.
AT FASTLANE: Cena will face Rusev for the U.S. Championship
TONIGHT: Daniel Bryan faces Big Show
MATCH #6: Darren Young & Some Guy vs. The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor)
announcers can’t even be bothered to name Young’s partner but it
doesn’t matter. It’s a mudhole stomp — until Titus O’Neil interrupts.
The two men clean house…and we’re not having a match, I guess.
NO CONTEST. Why not just have The Ascension take on Young and O’Neil?!
Post-match, Titus celebrates with Darren Young
Miz tells BNB to knock Miz-dow down a few pegs in the ring. If BNB does
that, he’ll take care of Ambrose. BNB says that he wants Miz’s people
to call HIS people.
MATCH #7: Damien Miz-dow (w/ The Miz) vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett (non-title)
puts Barrett in a side headlock but Barrett puts Miz-dow in the corner,
clubbing away at him. Miz-dow gets the upper hand again but Miz rings a
bell and tells Miz-dow it’s time to stop. He wants Miz-dow to clean his
shoes, then tells Miz-dow to watch himself after Barrett knees him in
the gut when he’s distracted. Barrett rolls Miz-dow into the ring and
gets two. Headlock by Barrett but Miz-dow breaks and hits the
Miz-breaker Combo. He goes for the SCF but Miz tells Miz-dow to stop
again so Miz-dow can clean his sunglasses. Barrett hits the Bullhammer
on Miz-dow on the distraction for the win at 2:31.
WINNER: Bad News Barrett via Bullhammer
RATING: DUD. PLEASE. TURN. MIZ-DOW.
Ambrose attacks Barrett, then zip-ties him to the ringpost. Ambrose
holds the contract in Barrett’s face and tells him that the contract
will be signed. Ambrose gets a pen, grabs Barrett’s hand and makes him
sign. He taunts Barrett, yelling in his face, telling him he’ll see him
Bray again. He’s putting a nail
in a coffin. You know, just in case you haven’t guessed that Bray’s
opponent is gonna be The Undertaker. He says that his opponent has
nowhere left to go. He wants this guy to find him…or Bray will find
We get a mixed tag match with Jimmy and Naomi taking
on Nattie and Tyson because of ruined date 2 weeks ago during Smackdown.
It’s darkly ironic that Jimmy calls Tyson “ignorant” while pronouncing
the word as “ig-nint”.
MATCH #8: Jimmy Uso & Naomi (w/ Jey Uso) vs. Tyson Kidd & Natalya (w/ Cesaro) in a Mixed Tag Team Match
and Tyson start. Tyson’s so scared, he tags in Nattie. Naomi gets in
and she arm drags Nattie and applies a side headlock. Nattie counters
into head scissor. There’s a series of counters and a tag to Jimmy.
Tyson’s not happy about this but gets into the ring, applying a headlock
to Jimmy. Tyson kicks Jimmy, then turns tail and runs, tagging Nattie.
JBL: “That’s a great strategy! You slap your opponent, then tag your
wife! I’ve done that for years!” Nattie tosses Naomi to the mat and
wants to tag Tyson who’s too scared to get back in the ring. Naomi rolls
Nattie up after a series of roll-ups and gets the arbitrary win at
WINNERS: Uso and Naomi
Post-match, Tyson berates Nattie for losing the match. Cesaro tells Tyson to calm down and separates the two.
Cole reminds us that February is FREE on WWE Network.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Reigns beat Kane.
Bryan walks to the ring from the backstage area. At ringside, Reigns comes down to the ring to hang out.
THIS THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Ziggler faces Rollins with J&J banned from ringside. That worked wonders the last time.
MATCH #9: Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show
tries to corner Bryan but Bryan doesn’t fall for it and kicks at Show’s
legs. JBL: “This is like Jack and the Beanstalk…except the beanstalk
fights back.” Show finally manages to grab Bryan and slaps his chest.
Headbutt and chest slap to Bryan. Bryan comes back with kicks and works
on Show’s left knee. Show shoves him to the mat again, grabs him and
headbutts him. Show slams Bryan, then kicks at him, taunting him. He
misses a huge clubbing blow and Bryan slaps and kicks Show. Show moves
and chest slaps Bryan. Show picks Bryan up and goes for a press slam but
Bryan counters and puts a Sleepr on Big Show. Reigns gets up out of his
seat, then goes to a fan. He asks the fan for his sign, gets a Sharpie
and starts signing autographs. Show breaks the hold but Bryan kicks
Show. He misses the big Yes Kick. We go to commercial.
is sitting back down after signing a bunch of autographs. Show has
complete control of Bryan in the ring and stomps at Bryan. Show slaps
Bryan’s chest, then headbutts him. Show stands there, I swear, for a
full minute, not doing anything, while the fans give him shit and the
match unnecessarily passes the ten minute mark. Finally, Bryan gets up
and kicks him. He leaps at Show but Show catches him in a Bear Hug.
Bryan counters and manages to toss Show from the ring. Reigns, though,
is up and tossing t-shirts into the crowd. This means something to Bryan
for some reason. Bryan tries a Flying Goat. Show catches him and tosses
Bryan into Roman Reigns. The two men shove one another. Show hits a
Spear on Reigns by accident, then kicks Bryan and rolls him back into
Bryan hits the trio of dropkicks but Show
grabs him on the third one and goes for the Chokeslam. Bryan counters
into the YES Lock but Show gets to the ropes, breaking the hold. Bryan
hits YES Kicks, hitting the roundhouse this time. He gets a close fall
and then goes top rope but Reigns runs in and hits the Superman Punch to
end this at 14:39.
WINNER: Big Show via DQ
RATING: *. The match picked up at the end but this feud is so beyond stale.
Bryan hits a sitting dropkick on Reigns from the top rope. Reigns comes
back, punching and it’s a brawl culminating in Reigns tossing Bryan
from the ring. Bryan’s not happy and flies back into the ring. It’s a
brawl that goes back and forth. Both men roll out of the ring and it
continues. Reigns tosses Bryan into the ring barrier. They get back into
the ring but referees show up and break them up as the crowd chants LET
THEM FIGHT. The two calm down, shake hands, turn their backs on one
another…then charge each other and it’s another brawl that spills out
of the ring. It goes into the crowd and Bryan gets a hold of a chair. He
whacks Reigns with it but Reigns comes back with a HUGE forearm shot.
The brawl continues and spills behind the announce desk with Reigns
hammering away on Bryan. Everyone and their mother comes out to hold the
two men back and we finally go off the air.
OVERALL: **1/2. That final bit pushed the show back up — though I really hope that WWE is not turning Bryan heel. If they are, I don’t think the crowd realizes it.
Er, that’s it.
In our last epsiode…
|(MATT: Slow down! I haven’t even opened up the fucking
wine yet so we can properly enjoy this episode!)
amazed at how “warm” they are to try to get her twin to want to get
hers done so they match. Jon arrives with appetizers and, instead of
enjoying the free show and shatters his “window of opportunity”,
telling Nikki and Brie not to touch his wife’s boobs. Out of nowhere,
Brie calls Nikki out for not wearing underwear and says they have to let
Eva know so she can wash the couch when they leave. Jon sprays the
couch with some cleaner after Nikki gets up. Nikki’s humorously offended
and says she doesn’t leave “snail trails.” (MATT: I can smell this scene…and I think I want to throw up…) Brie says she can’t sit anymore there and pulls her sister down on her lap. Nikki humps at her. (MATT: What the actual fuck did I just watch?!)
The Brickyard (Restaurant)
|(MATT: “Bob” wire?! Can we just have this be the final episode please?)|
makes fun of her for the mispronunciation and can’t stop laughing,
despite Brie shouting at him to shut up and stop making fun of her. Brie
says, “That’s weird to say…’Barb’s wire’.” Again, Bryan corrects her
and tells her it’s “Barb Wire” because the wire has sharp, pointy barbs
on it. Brie tries to talk over his laughing and says they should get a
“motion sensor dog bark” if “that exists”. What, does Josie meow? Bryan
says he has an even better idea: a gate-activated crossbow that would
fire at anyone trying to enter. Brie says, on camera, that she LOVES
Bryan’s “crossbow idea” and that she wants to set the house up for war. (MATT: Once again…the sex better be out of this fucking galaxy…)
|(MATT: “The right one is what you could look like if you lost that pound, fatty.”)|
one to be upstaged, bursts into tears, too. Jon says that she has to
know how beautiful she is. Eva says that it’s hard to believe that she’s
that beautiful because of “all the stress in her life”.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Cameron: She
edges out Brie simply because Brie had good intentions behind her
actions. Cameron is like that teenager who never grew up. Every single
thing she does in and out of the ring is annoying. Everything she says
is annoying. Her gimmick is annoying. Her voice is annoying.
The latter starts after break…
MATCH #3: Ryback vs. Luke Harper
announcers act like this is the most anticipated match of the year.
Suplex and splash by Ryback. Splash by Ryback but Harper counters the
next one, then boots Ryback from the ring. Harper brings him back in and
slaps at Ryback’s chest. Ryback breaks free and charges and gets a boot
to his head. Two count. Harper hits a headlock but Ryback breaks the
hold and moves away from a corner charge. He rolls up Harper for two.
Ryback hits a press off a run and another Warrior Splash. Two count.
Harper comes back with Winds of Change or whatever for two. Ryback
ejects him from the ring but Harper gets back into the ring. Ryback
trips him up and lays him out on the mat. Ryback goes for the Meathook
but Harper greets him with a Superkick. Two count. Harper hits a front
facelock but Ryback counters with Shell Shock. Harper counters with a
Sunset Flip fro two. Ryback comes back with a Meathook and Shell Shock
and we’re done at 5:58.
WINNER: Ryback via Shell Shock
RATING: **1/4. Not a bad match at all.
TONIGHT: Dolph Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt
MATCH #4: Cesaro (w/ Tyson Kidd & Natalya) vs. Jimmy Uso (w/ Jey Uso & Naomi)
the commercial break, there was some sort of “double date” set up by
Natalya. And now Cesaro is mad. Even though Nattie and Tyson are
“separated”. Or something. Cesaro chops at Jimmy after breaking an arm
lock. Jimmy slides across the ring on an Irish Whip counter. Jimmy
starts hitting chops of his own. Jimmy hits a back elbow and arm bar.
Cesaro breaks it but gets hit by an Enzuguri. Flying Uso at Cesaro but
Cesaro moves out of the way and starts yacking at Jey. Jimmy hits the
Flying Uso this time and tosses Cesaro back into the ring. Cesaro
escapes out the other end, then drops Jimmy’s neck on the ropes when
Jimmy chases. Cesaro hits a double axehandle off the ropes and hammers
away on Jimmy. The two counter each others moves after that and Jimmy
goes flying into the top buckle on a charge. Cesaro hits the Spin, then
hits a weak Half Crab to finish that off. Cesaro breaks and stomps on
Jimmy’s chest, getting two. Cesaro hits a nice powerbomb and gets two.
Cesaro tries to club Jimmy in the face but misses. Jimmy hits a
Corkscrew Splash and he gets two. Jimmy starts hitting clotheslines but
Cesaro catches his Superkick and flings him out of the ring. Tyson
threatens to attack Jimmy but the ref sees that. Cesaro goes outside and
runs Jimmy’s head into the announce table. He rolls Jimmy back in the
ring and goes top rope. He leaps but Jimmy catches him with a Superkick.
Rikish Splash time and the Superfly Splash — but Cesaro jumps up and
hits the Uppercut for the win at 6:21.
RATING: ***. Pretty good match here. What’s with the decent booking?
Post-match, Tyson jumps the Usos inside the ring and then runs like a chicken. The heels celebrate on the ramp.
Cole plugs the February deal for WWE Network.
TONIGHT: Daniel Bryan faces Seth Rollins
Miz’s are backstage, hitting the craft table for fruit. Miz tells
Miz-dow what to scoop onto the plate. A producer wants an autograph. Miz
sends him away. He says he wants Miz-dow’s autograph and Miz-dow signs
it. Miz rips the guy’s paper up and tosses it away. Miz tells Miz-dow
that he doesn’t get it anymore. He made Miz-dow what he is today. Miz
says that he’s throwing everything away. He calls Miz-dow the worst
stunt double he’s ever seen. He fires Miz-dow and Miz-dow looks hurt.
Miz says he will give Miz-dow a NEW job: personal assistant. Miz says
he’s facing Sin Cara. Miz yells at Miz-dow to stop mimicking him.
sits in the dressing room, looking like somebody ran over his cat.
Rowan stops by and says he’s been treated like an animal and outcast.
Nobody’s stood up for him before. He thanks Cena. Rowan says he’s gonna
do Cena a favor tonight. Tonight, he takes on Rusev. Cena warns Rowan
about Rusev being dangerous and tells Rowan not to take him lightly.
Rowan nods and shakes Cena’s hand.
MATCH #5: Dolph Ziggler vs. Bray Wyatt
two are at each other’s throats, punching away at one another. Bray
gets the better of it and clubs Ziggler in the back. Ziggler comes back
but runs into a Wyatt lariat. Ziggler gets up and punches away at Wyatt
but Wyatt gets to the ropes. He hits a quick cheap shot on Wyatt, then
chokes Ziggler on the middle rope a couple times. Ziggler comes back
with a drop kick, then goes for the Fame-Asser but misses and Bray bails
from the ring. Ziggler applies a side headlock when Wyatt gets back in
the ring but Wyatt breaks and just slaps Ziggler, hitting the Reverse
Senton for two. Wyatt puts Ziggler in a nerve hold. Ziggler breaks but
Bray nails him in the back. He rushes Ziggler who hits an elbow and drop
kick. Wyatt rolls out of the ring so Ziggler chases him. Bray hits him,
grabs him and suplexes Ziggler out of the ring as we go to break.
has Ziggler in a headlock when we come back. Ziggler breaks but Wyatt
hits a hard running elbow and Ziggler’s down again. Two count. Another
long headlock and Ziggler breaks free again. Ziggler gets to his feet
but Wyatt hits the post on a corner rush. Ziggler tries to get to his
feet and does so, getting to the second buckle. Ziggler leaps but Wyatt
nails him in the jaw, coming down. Reverse Senton misses but Ziggler
can’t get up. Both men get up at the same time and Ziggler hits running
clotheslines, corner splash and neckbreaker. Big elbow drop gets two.
Ziggler rushes Wyatt again and Wyatt just knocks his head off with a
clothesline. Wyatt sets up for Sister Abigail but Ziggler counters into
the DDT for a two count. Ziggler misses a corner splash and Wyatt hits
one instead. He does the Hanging Spider, then sets up for Sister Abigail
but Ziggler counters. Kick to Wyatt’s stomach on a rush and it’s
another two count. Both men are down as the crowd chants that this is
awesome. Both men begin exchanging blows. Wyatt absolutely jacks
Ziggler’s jaw but Dolph hits the Fame-Asser. He goes for the Zigg Zagg
but Wyatt grabs him and hits Sister Abigail out of nowhere for the win
WINNER: Bray Wyatt via Sister Abigail
RATING: ***1/2. Really good stuff here. Booking staff is pulling out their non-bullshit show tonight.
EARLIER TONIGHT: Triple H sets up tonight’s big match.
Rollins is with Triple H and Steph. He wants to make sure that Daniel
Bryan isn’t going to Fastlane or WrestleMania. Steph says they were
playing to the crowd. Rollins says he’s gonna use tonight to prove that
he’s the better competitor. He will stomp out the YES Movement.
ON SMACKDOWN: The Bellas beat up Paige because she was a pale-looking vampire chick. And, so kids, don’t be bullies.
Nikki and Brie are at ringside. Cole announces that Nikki will defend the Divas title against Paige at Fastlane.
MATCH #6: Alicia Fox vs. Paige
Nikki says if she
called the last play, the Seahawks would have won. This, coming from a
woman who “doesn’t know big words”. Alicia beats on Paige and hits a
Northern Lights Suplex for two. Chinlock by Fox and then a headlock.
Paige breaks and Fox grabs her, hitting a backbreaker. Paige just rolls
her over and gets an arbitrary pin at 2:43.
RATING: DUD. Yes, the woman who got her ass kicked all match, then simply pinned Fox out of nowhere, is looking so strong.
Fox puts Paige in a Surfboard, which is totally unbelievable
considering Fox was as subtle as a Mack Truck doing it. The Bella Twins
spray Paige with tanning spray. Because she’s a goth chick.
Miz is on USA’s Sirens, playing a trainer. The director stiffly says, “Wow! Miz is funny! Ha ha!”
MATCH #7: The Miz (w/ Damien Miz-dow) vs. Sin Cara
removes his sunglasses. Miz-dow imitates Miz but Miz tells him to knock
it off. Miz puts Sin Cara in a headlock. Sin Cara reverses it, runs
around the ring and hits a diving body splash and Fallaway Slam. Cara
goes top rope but misses the flipping dive. Miz gets to his feet and
goes top rope. Miz-dow imitates Miz. Miz tells him to get down again.
Sin Cara attacks but Miz counters, dropping his neck on the ropes. He
runs back into the ring and just boots Cara in the head. Two count and
this match is already 2 minutes too long. Another boot. Two count. Cara
breaks and counters a side suplex. Miz hits a clothesline. One count.
Miz taunts Cara, kicking at him and then putting him in a chinlock.
Miz-dow just stands there, staring off into space. Miz converts to a
side headlock. Cara fights out and Miz hits the back/neckbreaker combo.
He celebrates and plays to the crowd. Miz-dow jumps on the mat and the
crowd cheers. Miz angrily tells Miz-dow to get down. Sin Cara grabs Miz
and rolls him up for his first win in months at 5:38.
WINNER: Sin Cara
*. This was a long way to go, in order to get to no place at all.
Creative needs Sandow to turn face immediately. This act is long since
Bray does another goofy promo and tells people to find him.
attacks Rowan before he can get into the ring, then tosses him into the
ringpost. Finally, he tosses Rowan back in and hits a kneelift…so,
this match ain’t happening because the ref is waving it off. Rusev
stomps Rowan and chokes him with a boot. Rusev hangs Rowan off the
bottom rope, headbutts him and hits a Superkick. Elbow drop, stomp,
Accolade. Cole calls this a “message to Cena” and it’s a good thing
Cena’s out here to save his new bestie, isn’t it???
breaks the hold and Lana grabs a mic. She invites everyone to a special
movie premiere. She says the movie will not only show the destruction
of Cena, but of UH-MEDI-KUH!!! We get a pretty swell movie trailer/promo
Rusev celebrates with the Russian flag.
Reigns is hanging out with Daniel Bryan. Bryan says he doesn’t approve
of what Rollins did. Reigns says he saw it, too. He wants his revenge.
Bryan says that Reigns won’t get that chance, because he’ll be facing
Bryan, not Rollins, at Fastlane. Reigns asks if that’s a threat. Bryan
says it isn’t. Reigns says ITDOESN’TMATTERWHATITWAS!!! Only, kinda
quieter and far more reserved. He wants Bryan out of the locker room.
MATCH #8: Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) vs. Daniel Bryan
works on the left arm of Rollins after an initial back and forth. Bryan
hits a forearm and then hits a beautiful Cross Arm Breaker. Rollins
manages to get to the ropes. Rollins gets a hold of Bryan and flings him
out of the ring. Security jumps Bryan and Rollins hits a Suicide Dive.
Big Show comes to ringside during break and Rollins hits a neckbreaker.
Two count. Rollins beats on Bryan in the corner and then backs off. Show
makes for Bryan but the ref sees it and backs Show off. Rollins misses a
corner splash. Bryan starts hitting punches and uppercuts. He goes for a
rush but Rollins trips and Bryan hits his head on the middle buckle.
Rollins stomps Bryan in the corner and Security attacks Bryan when the
ref’s back is turned. Rollins climbs on Bryan and yells that it’s HIS
WrestleMania. Bryan escapes the corner and hits a running clothesline.
YES Kicks by Bryan and a nice running kick to finish it off. Two count.
hits an uppercut and knees Rollins, then hits a sitting dropkick. He
sets Rollins up for a Frankensteiner but Rollins reverses it and rolls
Bryan up for two. Wow. The two men get up and hit shots at the same
time. Bryan locks the arm. Security climbs the mat and Bryan dropkicks
them both, then sends Rollins into them. Then he hits a Flying Goat on
Rollins, sending Rollins and the boys over the announce table. Bryan
rolls Rollins into the ring and goes top rope but Rollins knocks Bryan
off the top buckle. Rollins sets for a Superplex but Bryan wriggles out
of the corner and sets up for the Side Superplex, hitting it perfectly.
CLOSE two count. Bryan gets to his feet and goes for the Flying Knee but
Rollins hits the Buckle Bomb and Superkick. CLOSE FALL.
is loving the match as Show yells at Rollins to finish Bryan. Rollins
picks Bryan up. Bryan grabs him for the YES Lock. He finally gets his
feet to the ropes and Bryan is forced to break the hold. Rollins rolls
out of the ring and Show consoles him. Reigns comes out of nowhere and
nails Show with a Spear. He tries to Spear Rollins but misses and hits
Mercury instead. Reigns distracts Rollins who gets back inside the ring.
Noble enters the ring with the MITB case but the ref sees it. With the
ref’s back turned, Reigns nails Rollins with a Superman Punch while
Bryan hits a Superkick on Noble. Flying Knee to Rollins wins the match
WINNER: Daniel Bryan via Flying Knee
RATING: ***. The over-booking and screwball end ruined an otherwise spectacular match.
Backstage, Triple H says he won’t comment on the match right now. He’ll only talk about it on Steve Austin’s podcast.
Cole runs in to congratulate Bryan who says he’ll beat Reigns at Fastlane.
Bryan stands tall as we go off the air.
OVERALL: **3/4. This was a decent show, though that third hour continues to kill the momentum.
(MATT: If you weren’t convinced that Vince
McMahon was a juvenile old perv, the title of this episode should fully
convince you of that fact.)
KANSAS CITY, MO for Monday Night RAW
is in the ring with Summer Rae. Backstage, the other Divas criticize
Summer and even Nattie can’t say Summer has a good heart without
laughing. They do admit she has gorgeous hair (MATT: So, Summer’s got that going for her…which is good.)
and Alicia just says, “I can buy better hair”. Nattie dances with
Alicia to celebrate Negativity while Paige refuses to make fun of Summer
because Summer was “the only one that was nice to her when she first
arrived”. Instead, she gives Nattie the finger.
Cena’s regular gym
John and Nikki are working out. As they enter, he asks if she’s cold as her nipples are poking out through her workout outfit. (MATT: 1 minute, 47 seconds for the first boob joke. They’re slipping.) Nikki doesn’t want to work out as she just got a facial and I’m sure Matt has a dirty joke for this. (MATT: Working out after having your face made up is NOT a joke, Danielle. Also…heh…splooooge.) John has to insult her by telling her that she isn’t strong. So, Nikki flexes her arms.
|(MATT: And she can probably kick my ass. That’s disturbing.)|
To prove his point, Cena grabs a heavyweight plate
— and throws it at her. Nikki ducks in understandable fear that she’s
about to have a broken arm and two broken feet to go with them — but it
turns out the plates are plastic, not metal. Cena and his trainer, Rob
(AKA “This Fuckin’ Guy”), just laugh.
|(MATT: “Abuse is HILARIOUS!”)|
Out of nowhere, Nikki says that she can beat John
in a race. Cena begs to differ and says that he doesn’t even want to
prove he can win because he doesn’t want to embarrass her. Nikki tells
the camera, “HEY! I’m good at things, too!” (MATT: Man…sex
with her better be fucking great because I don’t think I could tolerate
Nikki for more than four seconds before walking out of the room.)
This Fuckin’ Guy says that they should have a contest to determine who
is the better of the two by doing a “decathlon”. Nikki says that sounds
fun but it shouldn’t include an IQ test because she’ll lose, saying, “He
knows bigger words than me!” (MATT: Make that REAL fucking great.) Rob will set it up for them.
Eva Marie and Jon’s apartment
gets out of the shower and tells Jon that her breasts feel different.
Jon feels her boobs. He tells her that he feels lumps. Dr. Obvious tells
her if her silicone ruptures, it would be a nightmare. She tells us
this is the worst possible time in her career for a medical issue
because she’s “finally getting a big push” and “has momentum”. (MATT: Just take Eva’s word for that.) We cut to clips of her career including her winning the WWE Divas Champion — oh wait, she’s never won that. (MATT: We no longer need my comments with snark like that.) He wants her to see a doctor ASAP, she’s scared.
LAS VEGAS, NV – UNLV Thomas & Mack Center for Monday Night RAW
Show tells Brie that her Brie Mode shirt makes her look hot. Show says
that if he wore a shirt like that, he’d look like the Michelin Man. (MATT: Then Show turns heel and punches Brie in the head.) Somehow,
Brie works in the fact that the shirt is the same color as the blood
when she’s on her period. Big Show doesn’t want to hear that and neither
does Heath Slater who’s just there for the sake of saying, “Yeah, Brie.
Ringside – Paige vs Natalya
a normal Divas match until Paige gets weirdly aggressive,
heavy-breathing on Natalya, licking her cheek and just acting like a
Natalya confronts Paige about her in-ring behavior. Paige channels her inner Alpha Jock and says, “Oh…you didn’t like that?” (MATT: Natalya, however, has her beat with the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard come out of a woman’s mouth: “If I were a guy, I’d love it.” I swear, this whole show is culminating in Nattie discovering that she’s gay and she’s been fighting it for a long time.) Paige tells her that she won’t do it again. mockingly asking, “Ok, pumpkin?” Nattie walks off in a huff.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Bedford Surgical Center
While waiting for the doctor, Jon puts implants in his tank top, then jiggles them around and rubs them on Eva’s face. (MATT: This makes the pot brownie storyline look well-nuanced.)
Dr. David Kim comes in and asks Eva what is going on. He says she has
too much tissue at the bottom of the breasts and, as they are 9 years
old, there could be a leak. He says it would be 2 to 3 months of down
time, following surgery, until she could go back in the ring. They do a
blood test to determine if they are in fact leaking.
Random Hotel Restaurant
Nattie tells Cameron and Eva that Paige wrestled with her in a sexual manner. The girls tell her to let her be herself. (MATT: Yeah, Nattie. Sexual harassment is COOL!) Nattie
says that sexualizing things isn’t good — then, in the same sentence
(and in front of everyone), says that she has better breasts than Paige.
|(MATT: Fucking hell…there’s 30 more minutes of this bullshit…)|
Eva looks like she is going to cry the whole time as it’s clear she is thinking about her problem and not Nattie. (MATT: Maybe Nattie could cheer Eva up, then simultaneously declare that her breasts are better since they don’t leak.) Meanwhile,
Rosa and Alicia have arrived to join the girls. Rosa remarks that she
hopes to see Paige — and hopes that Paige is wearing a short skirt. The
two join the table and Paige, immediately gets Grinchy Evil, telling
Nattie they will be grappling soon. Paige rubs her chest on Rosa who
loves it. (MATT: And she’s not even a guy!) Boobs are
complimented and fun is had — but Eva gets a call from Dr. Kims office
and leaves to take it. Eva is devastated to hear that her blood has
tested positice for silicone and that she will need surgery to fix that.
(MATT: And this is so terribly scripted. The phone is set on
speaker. It’s a wonder the rest of the restaurant didn’t hear the call.)
Since when do you get a bad diagnosis like that over the phone?
SEATTLE, WA for Friday Night SmackDown
girls are discussing photos. Nattie takes a photo with Nikki. Nikki
hits the Terrible Bella Segue button and says she and John take lots of
pics together and that they’re having a competition. The girls, however,
think she’s going to lose. Nikki is upset that they don’t agree she
will win because girl power. Nattie asks what Nikki’s going to make John
do if she beats him. Nikki, in a moment where you know she can’t win, says she has no idea.
Ringside – Eva Marie vs. AJ Lee
wins the match and tells the camera that she doesn’t want to take off
time with her career taking off do to. You know, with all that
“momentum” she has.
John Cena’s car
are going to the Grand Prix for their first event. Nikki says she is
going to win every competition. Nikki says she wants a trophy if she
wins. He suggests a hive of friendly bees so they won’t kill her. (MATT: Nah, that’s just John’s passive aggressive way of saying that he wishes he could murder her.) He wishes her luck. They shake hands, then they fondle each other.
|(MATT: I have a feeling this will be far more entertaining than what we’re about to see…)|
Grand Prix Family Fun Center
and This Fuckin’ Guy are out front, waiting for John to come out of the
restroom. When he does resurface, he’s dressed like a ninja that
couldn’t find his face mask.
|(MATT: I have to keep posting pictures because, otherwise,
you won’t believe a goddamn word we’re saying.)
They go to race. He crashes his car into hers on purpose so he can win. Nikki is horrified that he cheated. (MATT: I count this as a Cena heel turn.) She says he’s a cheater, gives him the finger and storms off. (MATT: It’s her fault. She should have used the blue shell when she had it.)
Grand Prix Arcade
It’s time for mini-golf and, accordingly, Cena shows up in a golfing outfit complete with spiked shoes.
|(MATT: Even MS Paint is telling me it’s tired of screen-capping this shit.)|
Nikki is just beside herself and says that he’s
being silly, then says that Cena is already cheating because he’s
wearing spikes, which aren’t allowed in “Goofy Golf”. (MATT: At this point, Danielle actually stopped the show and said, “This show is awful. It’s just awful.” I swear to Jeebus.) Nikki asks Rob if what Cena is doing is illegal.
|(MATT: Don’t ask Rob. He’s only here because Cena’s paying him.)|
Cena has his own professional-level putter and
Nikki accuses him of cheating again. He then goes on to beat her in the
batting cages and heckles her. He wins handily at skee ball at well. She
complains on camera that he isn’t taking this seriously as he keeps
wearing various outfits and making fun of her. (MATT: Yes. Cena’s not taking Go-Karting, Goofy Golf or Skee Ball seriously.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie and Jon’s house
doesn’t wanna carry shit down the stairs so she throws things from the
second floor to the first to save time. He tells her that the house is
not a treehouse. He asks when her surgery is so he can get time off,
then is dismayed to learn that she cancelled it. She defends her
position, telling him that it was not a good time for her to have them
taken out as she’s wrestling every weekend. Jon learns Mark Carrano and
the other talent reps don’t even know she has this situation going on.
Jon gets mad that she is again hiding things from him like she did about
not wanting kids. She tells him that it’s her body and decision. (MATT: To get horribly sick and die?!)
Nikki and Jon’s house
final event is Beer Pong and she was good at that at college. John
takes this REAL serious for a change and comes in, dressed like a Frat
|(MATT: Suddenly, his ring attire seems genius.)|
Rob shakes his head in silent dismay.
|(MATT: “I’m just gonna be quiet, drink my free beer, get paid, and go home…”)|
|(“Rob, go to Expression #2…”|
Nikki storms upstairs because, unlike Nattie, she doesn’t
storm off by leaving the house. Cena comes upstairs to the bedoorm where Nikki
is sulking. She complains he made the whole thing into a joke. And Cena finally
explains what Nikki doesn’t seem to grasp: “Was it ever supposed to be
serious? We did beer pong and skee ball and Goofy Golf.” (MATT:
“Do you understand that these are silly games or do I need to bring Rob in
here to explain?”) Still, she seems upset that he won everything and
pouts. He says he was just trying to have fun with it and he’s sorry if went
over the line. They apologize to each other and kiss and makeup. Nikki tells
the camera that it was all her fault because she didn’t have fun and made
everything too serious. (MATT: WOMEN – It’s always all their fault. This
message brought to you by the women of Total Divas.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Nirvana Grille and Bliss Bar
Eva, Brie and Nikki are having dinner and — wait. Nikki
and Brie are fine with each other now. (MATT: Shut up and don’t question
it!) Nikki says she needs some carbs in her life for her “reverse
cowgirl later”. If she can’t beat Jon (at sports), she’ll just fuck him
’till he has no energy – good plan. (MATT: Besides, it’s the only way John
can ever justify being with somebody who thinks Skee Ball is an Olympic-level
event.) Eva Marie just comes out with it: her breasts are leaking silicone
and she needs them out. Nikki is visibly disturbed by this for obvious
They both advise her that she should not be wrestling now.
They go uber-hypothetical and speculate that Eva could injure somebody else in
the ring if her boobs hurt. “If you have somebody in a body slam, and that
pain hit, you could drop someone on their head.” Brie explains. (MATT:
Take it from a couple girls who know something about being dropped on their
heads.) Nikki doubles down: “If I was wrestling with my injured shin
and I had somebody up for a body slam, my leg could have broken in half.”
They convince her she will not be forgotten about if she takes time off. (MATT:
That was awesome that they said that with a straight face.) Nikki relates
the story of how she was out for five months with her shins. “I was out
for 5 months and look where I am now”. Eva realizes Nikki got the biggest
push of her career after. (MATT: Yeah, but Eva’s banging “Jon”,
not “John”, so…) She says she will take to Carrano about it.
The girls toast her getting her silicone out. Nikki jokes that Daniel Bryan
called and said Brie was to pick up the bill, which, as he’s notoriously frugal,
would never happen.
HOUSTON, TX for WWE Main Event
Paige and Nattie talk. Nattie wants their match to have a
good story and to be one Stephanie McMahon’s daughters can watch. Paige
Dr. Kim’s Office/Surgical Center
Eva is getting her silicone out and having saline put in.
She learns she can still do her photo shoot in two weeks as long as she doesn’t
lift anything. Eva’s husband and mom are there. They joke that her mom will get
bigger implants than she has.
Eva Marie admits her husband was right: without her
health, there is no career. She’s woozy as she says that, sometimes, he’s
right. Also, her skin is really pale yellow. The twins call to cheer her up.
Jon says everyone loves her to which she says either they love me or they’re
happy as fuck that I’m not there. Eva: “I’ll take it.”
This week’s hug goes to…Eva: I know what it’s
like to have the feeling that, if you take off — even the tiniest amount of
time to get a health problem treated — your job won’t be there. She was
immature, but honestly scared and no surgery is 100% guaranteed risk free.
Also, she was able to admit her husband was right, which for her was a huge
amount of personal growth.
This week’s punch goes to…John Cena: While it
was amusing (at first) that he had clothes for the so-called “sporting
events” they had (and presumably the other six), he went over the top,
making fun of his girlfriend and needlessly heckled her. You can have fun and
be competitive without being an ass. Well…you can if you’re not Cena.
This week’s hug goes to…John Cena: Because Nikki
is a hollow-headed nut and MAIGOD, who the fuck takes Goofy Golf seriously?!
And none of that storyline made any sense whatsoever. Cena made a joke out of
it because the whole thing WAS a joke on several levels. He even out-Paiged
Paige this episode — and that’s hard to do.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week…Natalya: I
can’t hate Eva even though she’s Nikki 2.0. The level of sheer incompetence
over a pretty simple issue (Dealing with poison in one’s bloodstream from a
broken silicon breast vs. Ignoring that shit and wrestling into an early grave)
is aggravating. In fact, here’s another simple lesson: if you’re a woman and
you’re wrestling…don’t buy fake boobs. That may sound sexist, but
considering WWE exploits these women and, in the process, has them taking risks
that may damage what they’re exploiting, I’d say WWE’s a lot more sexist and
insensitive towards women than I am. So, anyway, what I’m trying to say is that
Eva’s skin was yellow and she was woozy and cute. Nattie, on the other hand,
didn’t want to get humped. Then changed her mind in four seconds and started
grabbing boob. I just can’t.
This is strictly for completion purposes…
gives us a shot of WWE Headquarters and takes us to the roof where JBL
gives us a weather report: it’s really, really freezing goddamn balls
And, with that, we cut to the World Title Match. You’ve seen it already and I’m not recapping it. It was great. Let’s move on.
Cole plugs the Rumble Replay tonight.
THIS THURSDAY ON SMACKDOWN: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane (again) in a Casket Match. The Undertaker totally won’t make an appearance.
COLE INTERVIEWS SETH ROLLINS
Cole has an interview with Seth Rollins. Rollins says that his
performance speaks to the fact that he deserved to be in the match. Cole
shits on him further and reminds Rollins that nothing he did seemed to
stop Lesnar. Cole doubles down and says that he couldn’t even beat Cena
with his Corkscrew Splash (which Rollins calls “The Phoenix Splash”,
thank you very much) and Rollins says that he thought that was it, too.
Rollins says that he might have underestimated Lesnar but that goes both
ways. He still has the MITB contract and that’s Plan B. Cole tells
Rollins that Lesnar is next up. Rollins says he ain’t leaving.
COLE INTERVIEWS BROCK LESNAR & PAUL HEYMAN
a break, Lesnar shows up. He wants his chair. Rollins gets up, then
knocks the chair down. That’ll show ’em. Lesnar just laughs him off,
sits down and says that somebody seems upset. Cole asks about his
health. Lesnar says he’ll get through his injuries like he always has.
Heyman says that Lesnar will always be around to take care of business
as long as he’s paid what he’s worth. It doesn’t matter if that business
is Sting or the Undertaker. Cole reminds Lesnar that he was the guy who
ended The Undertaker’s “Streak”. Cole gives us clips of this to “remind
everyone”. Cole asks Lesnar how he overcame The Undertaker. Lesnar says
that’s what he does: overcomes. Just like John Ce–um, no,
wait…Heyman asks Cole why he’s surprised by what Lesnar was able to
do. Cole says he meant no disrespect. Cole says that Lesnar has to face
Roman Reigns now. Lesnar says he’s ready. He’s on a roll, baby. Heyman
says that Reigns can’t beat Lesnar. Cole says Reigns will be here later.
Lesnar: “Good…I have to meet this guy…”
And we are back LIVE at the WWE Snowday Slumber Party of Doom where the Men’s Wearhouse sits around, talking about boys.
would like to show us the ENTIRE RUMBLE MATCH…Tivo…do your
stuff…and I’m caught up on my DVR. Sitting through the last of this
thing, I’m impressed: WWE kept the original audio and didn’t dub in
cheering. I also like how Triple H appeared at the end like a Monday
TONIGHT: Sad Daniel Bryan will be interviewed.
NEXT: Roman Reigns in an interview.
We’re back at WWE BlizzardPalooza Electric Boogaloo.
INTERVIEW WITH ROMAN REIGNS
isn’t good enough to get Michael Cole or intense lighting. Instead, he
gets a deep blue and Byron Saxton. He says he had to start at the deep
end. Reigns says you can boo or cheer him since that worked SO well for
Batista. Reigns says he was grateful to be helped by family last night.
He looks forward to meeting Lesnar.
NEXT: John Cena’s opponent at Not Elimination Chamber For Some Reason will be revealed.
LAST NIGHT: Cena and Rusev got into a shoving match following the Rumble,
AT FASTLANE: Cena faces Rusev. Yaaaay.
LAST MONDAY: THEVIGILANTESTING pointed at Seth Rollins, draining all his energy like an Ultra Combo in Killer Instinct.
AT FASTLANE: Triple H wants to talk to Sting. What’s the matter with the phone?
Back at the WWE SnowCenter, we learn about the Celeb Inductee into the 2015 WWE Hall of Fame:
Schwarzenegger. This gives us a montage, leading up WWE Superstars
imitating him. Capped off by Ryback’s instant classic: I’ll be
Dean Ambrose has braved the Blizzard. And he’s at WWE HQ.
NEXT: Daniel Bryan interviewed.
we come back, Dean Ambrose is trying to raise the thermostat. WWE must
be out of their financial hole. Ambrose rants about how he made it
through the snow and sleet to get here. He did it to make a point: it’s
like the Road to WrestleMania.
INTERVIEW WITH DANIEL BRYAN
Young has the honors. He says that he let down the fans when he was
stripped of the title. He says that he worked hard to return. Young gets
to the meat of this: Bryan was eliminated early and Bryan says he
didn’t take advantage of the situation like he should have. He says that
the Casket Match on Smackdown favors Kane but that he’ll be ready.
NEXT: Roman Reigns meets Brock Lesnar on SMACKDOWN!!! According to Renee, that is. It’s on RAW. And it’s next.
BROCK AND REIGNS MEET
congratulates Reigns before we begin the interview. He says he wants to
ask the questions. He says he’s known Reigns’ family long before Reigns
was born. He recounts all the amazing things his family has
accomplished. He says that The Rock faced reality when he faced Lesnar
and lost the title. That was it. Rock never faced Lesnar again. He says
that Reigns gets to fight Lesnar now. He wonders how Reigns will handle
disappointing his family when he loses to Lesnar. Heyman says he will
never beat Lesnar at all. Reigns says he’ll give his answer to Brock
Lesnar. Reigns tells Lesnar he knows who and what he is and he knows
what he signed up for. He says that Lesnar has no idea what he’s signed
up for. He’s gonna take his title at WrestleMania. If he can’t, he’s
gonna take a piece of Lesnar with him. Lesnar bolts up and gets into
Reigns’ face. He puts his hand out. Reigns shakes it. Lesnar says that,
unlike Heyman, he doesn’t respect Reigns. Reigns: “But you will.”
Cole, Booker and JBL are impressed. We get a shot of the blizzard as we go off the air.
OVERALL: Was what it was. It didn’t help that viewers had to sit through the entire Royal Rumble…WITH COMMERCIALS…but, I did like the Reigns/Lesnar
confrontation, which did a pretty good job selling a match that none of
us are impressed with.
Er, that’s it.
Also, The Rock is here — and that’s added some drama to this thing.
Let’s see what happens…
We start with a bunch of Superstars telling us what the Royal Rumble means to them.
We are LIVE(!!!) from the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia!!!
JBL, Cole and King are on the mics.
MATCH #1: New Age Outlaws (“Road Dogg” Jesse James & “Badass” Billy Gunn) vs. The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor)
and Viktor start and the fact that this match isn’t over yet is
aggravating. James hip tosses Viktor after a series of counters. Tag to
Dogg. Viktor tags Konnor but Dogg does his series of goofy moves.
FINALLY, the new guys beat up on Dogg and Viktor gets a tag. Headlock by
Viktor. Dogg fights out but gets thrown to the mat. Viktor drops an
elbow and Konnor is tagged in and he works over Dogg as JBL tries to
tell us that “a win over The Outlaws will mean a step up the ladder for
these guys.” Dogg eventually makes a tag to Gunn and he takes both
members, tossing Konnor outside. Gut Wrench on Viktor, but Gunn misses
a Fame-Asser. The Ascension hits The Fall of Man at 5:27 and the crowd
just hates it.
WINNERS: The Ascension via Push Prank
RATING: *1/2. Why this couldn’t have been on the pre-show is beyond me.
Cole runs us through last Monday when Sting appeared on RAW.
H and Steph are backstage. Steph is worried about Sting. She asks where
he hides all the time. Wasn’t he in the dressing room? Triple H doesn’t
get it: everyone was talking about Nikolai Volkoff being here but Sting
is mentioned and nobody cares. Triple H says it doesn’t matter — he’s
gonna destroy Sting. Paul Heyman shows up. Steph says she never invited
him in here. Heyman says he can go and take his problems with him but
he’s here to solve their problems. Heyman says he has the solution to Sting: Brock Lesnar.
#VOLKOFFWINSTHERUMBLE – let’s get that trending.
#2: The Miz & Damien Miz-dow (challengers) vs. The Usos (Jimmy
& Jey) (champions) for the WWE Tag Team Championship
and Miz start this out. Crowd chants for Miz-dow but Miz isn’t having
it and chews them out. Jey chops at Miz, then they botch a Demolition
Decapitation. Two count. Jimmy chops at Miz and ends up in the corner.
Miz hits a Miz-line. Jimmy attacks and puts Miz on the buckle. Miz-dow
imitates this. Miz gets hit coming off the buckle and Miz-dow imitates
that too. Jimmy hits a kneelift on Miz but Miz sends Jimmy into the
ropes, neck-first. Crowd still wants Miz-dow but Miz won’t tag. Miz hits
the Back and Neckbreaker and gets two. Miz-dow wants a tag again and
Miz puts his hand out. Miz-dow goes for the tag but Miz moves his hand.
Hot tag to Jey and he’s all over Miz. Samoan Drop and Rikishi Splash.
Series of roll-ups get two each and Miz hits a quick DDT for two.
Miz-dow comes in and gets dumped outside. Miz does too. It’s a Flying
Uso by Jimmy and Jey and there are Bodies Everywhere™. Back in the ring,
Jey misses the Superfly Splash. Miz hits the SCF — but only gets two.
Crowd is hot for Miz-dow but Miz just beats Jey in the corner. Miz goes
for a Miz-Line but Jey hits a Supkick and Superfly Splash. TWO COUNT as
Miz-dow makes a save. Jimmy attacks but Miz-dow dumps him, then hits the
SCF on Jey…Miz crawls over — and NEARLY gets the fall. Miz-dow
cannot believe it. Miz pulls Jey up on the buckle for a Superplex but
Jey fights out of it. Miz-dow goes after Jey but Jey kicks him. Jimmy
suddenly gets up and tags himself in. Jey tries a Powerbomb but Miz
won’t let go of the ropes. Jimmy Superkicks Miz, then hits the Superfly
Splash and the Usos retain at 9:25.
WINNERS: The Usos
**3/4. Barely passable. Look, use Miz-dow or have him turn already.
This gimmick and feud are like beating the bones of a dead horse.
We get a status recap from the WWE CNN News Desk of Doom.
Mercury is playing Immortals: The Game Which Takes WWE Superstars Into a
Supernatural Realm in a Mortal Kombat Rip-Off. Jamie Noble tells him to
stop. Rollins comes in and tells them that he wants them focused. He’s
not “The Future”. He’s “The Right Now”. TRENDING!!!
MATCH #3: The Bella Twins (Nikki & Brie) vs. Natalya & Paige
and Paige start out. Nikki hits uppercuts. Paige comes back with a kick
to the gut. Tag to Nattie and the two double team Nikki, tossing her to
the mat. Nikki gets to Brie to make the tag but Nattie lifts her up and
tags Paige and they hit a delayed standing double suplex. Paige goes
for Dry Hump Pin and gets a one count. Paige smashes Brie in the face
with some knees and tags Nattie. Kinda. Nobody knows what the fuck is
going on. Paige is the legal woman in the ring. In any case, Paige
Superkicks Brie and gets a one count. The crowd starts doing Euro
Football chants as Brie seems to botch a side suplex. Tag to Nikki who
puts a headlock on Nattie. Nattie escapes but Nikki puts her to the mat
for two, then struts around the ring. Tag to Brie who hits a running
lariat. Two count. Brie applies the Chinlock of Doom. Nattie fights out
but gets hung up on the ropes for the Brie Mode Knee Smash. Tag to Nikki
and it’s a double team and a nice body toss using their legs. Nikki
goes for Head Scissors but Nattie gets to her feet and drops Nikki
backwards. Nikki tries for a leglock but Nattie reverses for the
Sharpshooter. Nikki kicks out and misses a corner splash. Nattie tries a
tag but Brie yanks Paige off the mat. Nikki just levels Nattie with a
forearm. Pin at 8:04.
WINNERS: The Bella Twins
**. This was uninteresting from the start and remained so. No Bella
Twin turn, no Paige/Nattie friction. Nothing doing. Just filler.
We get a nice shot of the Wells Fargo Center.
like Roman Reigns, Stardust, Goldust, Rusev, Miz, Miz-dow, Big Show,
Fandango, and Daniel Bryan. They’re all ready to win. Dammit, we still
have four minutes until 6 PM. Let’s hear from the 72 other superstars in
WWE and NXT…
We get the build-up for the Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
#4: John Cena (challenger) vs. Seth Rollins (challenger) (w/ Jamie
Noble & Joey Mercury) vs. Brock Lesnar (champions) (w/ Paul Heyman)
in a Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
– trending! Cena and Lesnar go right after Rollins. He bails and Lesnar
hits a German on Cena, then goads Rollins to come into the ring.
Another German on Cena and Rollins runs into the ring. Lesnar grabs him
for an F5 but J&J come into the ring. J&J get a German each.
Rollins gets one. Cena gets #3. Heyman just smiles. Lesnar hits a
suplex, then turns to Rollins. German #2. Lesnar just suplexes Cena and
Rollins. Rollins rolls out of the ring, so Lesnar turns to Cena and
locks in the Kimura. Cena gets to his knees, then to his feet. Rollins
hits a Springboard kneedrop from the outside, knocking both men down,
then goes to work on Lesnar, kicking at him. Lesnar fights back. Cena
attacks Lesnar. Double Suplex to Lesnar by Rollins and Cena. Cena hits a
quick AA on Lesnar but Rollins dumps him outside. One count by Rollins.
And the fight spills outside. The crowd loves it.
chases Rollins back in and it’s Moves 1 through 3. He tries the 5KS but
Rollins kicks at him. Series of counters and it’s #3 again by Cena.
Lesnar comes in and hits German #4 and #5 on Cena. Rollins superkicks
Lesnar in the head to stop the massacre, then hits a knee to Lesnar.
Cena hits a Falling Powerbomb to Rollins and nearly gets a fall. Rollins
hits a nice Reverse Neckbreaker off the ropes for two. Lesnar gets back
into the ring, works over Rollins, then dumps him. Cena attacks Lesnar
and hits a nice clothesline, knocking Lesnar down. Rollins pulls him out
of the ring and leaps at Lesnar who hits an F5 out of nowhere. He
NEARLY gets a fall but Cena saves the match. Lesnar hits German #6 to
Cena, then looks around the ring. He goes outside and takes apart the
Spanish desk, then goes for Cena who hits THREE AA’s and NEARLY gets the
fall. Rollins pulls him out of the ring.
gets into the ring and hits a Curb Stomp! NEAR fall. Cena saves it.
Lesnar rolls out of the ring and gets to his feet. Cena comes running
over and knocks him into the Timekeeper’s pit. Cena gets to his feet and
tosses Lesnar into the steel steps. Lesnar gets to his feet and Cena
clocks him in the head with the steps. Rollins kicks at Cena from inside
the ring. Lesnar ends up on the Spanish Table…ho boy. Rollins goes
top rope and hits Lesnar with an elbow into the table. Cena gets to
Rollins as the crowd is at THIS IS AWESOME levels. Cena rolls Rollins
into the ring as Lesnar is dead outside. Cena goes to pick him up but
Rollins rolls him up for a close fall. Rollins flies at Cena who catches
him for an AA. Rollins breaks it and tries a Frankensteiner — but Cena
reverses into a Powerbomb! TWO COUNT. Holy shit.
tend to Lesnar as Cena puts Rollins up for a Superplex. Rollins rakes
Cena’s eyes and hits a Turnbuckle Powerbomb for two. Cena kicks out of
his pin and locks in the STF — and J&J come running in to take out
Cena. Triple Powerbomb by the three guys and it’s a two-count. Rollins
gets the MITB case but misses his swing. He goes flying from the ring.
J&J enter the ring and Cena hits a Double AA, then hits an AA for a
CLOSE FALL. Wow. Both men get up and Cole tells us that Lesnar “has a
broken rib”. Cena tries an AA but Rollins hits an Enzuguri and Curb
Stomp. Two count. Rollins gets to his feet and goes top rope with a 450
Splash! Lesnar bolts into the ring and it’s Germans to both men. He
tries another but Rollins lands on his feet and clocks Lesnar with the
MITB case — twice. He puts Lesnar’s head on the case and goes for a
Curb Stomp but Lesnar stands up and hits the F5 to retain at 22:45.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Brock Lesnar via F5.
RATING: ****. Not bad at all. ‘Cept, now Lesnar still has the title.
Post-match, everyone is out of it. Rollins can’t believe it and holds onto the case. Lesnar staggers off.
We get the Royal-Rumble-By-the-Numbers montage.
MATCH #5: Royal Rumble
I didn’t think it was
possible to produce a worse Rumble than last year. This year, I have
been proven horribly, unfortunately wrong. Daniel Bryan was in the
Rumble less than a half hour and was eliminated halfway through the
match. WWE had about two more shots to get it right with Dolph Ziggler
or Dean Ambrose — and went with Roman Reigns, the safe, predictable
choice. We had a swerve where The Rock helped Reigns win the Rumble —
who had one more guy to beat ANYHOW because “Rusev was never actually
eliminated”. Of course, neither was Curtis Axel — but who gives a shit
about Axel, right? Anyhow, Reigns wins the match after the Rock’s
interference which makes no sense whatsoever except that The Rock “was
reported to be here”. The crowd booed louder than when Batista won it
last year — and they were already pissed after Bryan exited. On top of
that, the roster is SO dried up, they scraped the barrel for some of
these people: I don’t know about you, but The Boogeyman, Zack Ryder,
Curtis Axel, Sin Cara and Adam Rose don’t get me going. DDP and Bubba
Ray belong here. The forementioned do not. The results (followed by the
person who dumped them) are below.
*. This show is an absolute example of the bullshit WWE has pulled in
the last year. They had ONE job to do — and they failed miserably.
Reigns celebrates as Triple H and Steph come out to watch.
**. Not even the title match saves this. Not when you consider that the
title will be on a guy who won’t be on TV after tomorrow night. My
advice: have Rollins cash in that case ASAP.
Er, that’s it.
(MATT: A simple description and picture doesn’t do this justice…)
It says “TITLES”.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Frederick, MD Office – Fertility Clinic
|(MATT: And, with that assessment, Eva’s reproductive system shuts itself down for good.)|
The doctor wants to see how fertile Eva by running a
lot of tests. The doctor does an exam with Eva in stirrups and tells her
someday she will be that position, giving birth. (MATT: “Or you’re sterile and my words will be heard in your nightmares for years to come!”)
NE – CenturyLink Center for WWE Main Event
|(MATT: “To be honest, I just came here to sneak a look at your cleavage every few minutes…”)|
Meanwhile, for no discernable reason whatsoever, Reverend
Jesse Jackson is backstage. The twins meet him and get pictures. Brie tells the camera she wishes he would
preach love to her sister.
Following this, Brie confronts Nikki and tells her that she’s acting unprofessionally. Nikki basically defends herself with the equivalent of “no, you.” (MATT: Jesse Jackson didn’t help heal them? What a surprise.) They storm off in opposite directions.
Paige is backstage, wreaking havoc as she tends to do. (MATT: She rams a service cart into JoJo “Living Bigfoot Sighting” Offerman, who’s also backstage for no discernable reason.) Paige also runs into Alicia Fox who introduces herself to the show. She gets a long promo in which says she
was the first African-American Divas champ. She describes herself as “a complete nut”. (MATT: Despite the fact that she’s nothing like that except for recently.) She want to know where Rosa is as
they are “friends”. Paige and Fox
make fun of Rosa’s dance steps.
Fox and Paige watch Layla and
Summer Rae take on Natalya and Rosa. In a completely puzzling moment, Paige says she misses Nattie — then says, “I just saw her two seconds ago. And I miss her today.” And Alicia just giggles because she’s “fun”. Rosa tells the camera that “everything is looking up lately”. (MATT: Here comes the Hand of God to smack her back down in 3…2…) At one point in the match, Layla pulls Rosa off the mat, pulling at her trunks — and ends up accidentally exposing Rosa’s bare ass to the crowd. (MATT: I covered this in my Main Event recap for this episode. If I’m not mistaken, you actually saw nothing because WWE Network has all their stuff on time delay in case things like this happen. The screen went to black when Layla reached up to grab her and picked back up once Rosa was on the ground. I don’t understand WWE censors. They don’t want you to see it then — but they will let you see it later. Pick a lane.)
Rosa joins them
and she hopes Layla, Rosa and Paige will reassure her that barely anything was visible, Instead, they brag about seeing her ass and allude to possibly seeing her vagina had she been bending over. Rosa begins to sob as Paige and Alicia laugh their asses off and speculate that Rosa could lose her job as it’s a PG show. (MATT: How does somebody get fired because something was done to them? That’s like one of my co-workers getting fired after I punched them in the face.)
tells Alicia that she has 25,000 more followers and 11,000 more Instagram
followers because of the bare ass reveal. She has a plan: to have another “wardrobe malfunction” which “accidentally” exposes her boob. (MATT: Even Alicia Fox calls her nuts, which is almost equal to the scene in Return of the Jedi when Darth Vader realizes just how sadistic the Emperor really is.)
FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN
is talking to Alicia backstage. Naomi says Vince saw her near-naked. Naomi laughs about it. Brie appears out of nowhere and is wearing
a Brie Mode shirt. Conveniently, Nikki happens to walk by. Brie asks her when their spot is. Nikki ignores her and Brie explains to Alicia and Naomi that Nikki’s still mad at her. Nikki tells the camera that Brie “nearly ruined her love life”. (MATT: For all of 48 hours.) She tells Brie that she has no time for “a back-stabbing bitch”.
Ringside – Nikki vs. Naomi
gets in some great shots and tells the camera that, throughout the latest break-up scare, she’s been “very professional”. Nikki says that she is still mad at Brie and wants
to take out her anger on Naomi in the ring. Nikki wins easily.
(MATT: Very professional…)
Brie wants two minutes with John Cena. (MATT: That probably isn’t the first time Cena’s heard that from a woman.) He gives her two minutes. Brie says
it seems like she is always apologizing to him or asking a huge favor. Cena: “Or…trying to ruin my personal life.” She tells him that Nikki is still mad
at her and wants his help in getting him to forgive her. He explains to Brie that she needs to start by understanding how Nikki feels: had the positions been reversed and
Nikki asked Daniel Bryan to lunch to ask him to divorce Brie, she’d feel
resentment even if Nikki apologized. John wisely tells her to give Nikki some
space. (MATT: Sage advice. Either one of two things is true here: 1) All the women on this show are vapid airheads or 2) they’re pretending to be vapid airheads because Vince told them all that MEN do all the smart-talking and explaining on this show.)
Rosa and Alicia’s hotel room
Rosa is showing a few
outfits and how she should have a wardrobe malfunction by exposing her breast. The
girls bounce and wrestle on the bed. They practice their moves and how there could
be the wardrobe malfunction though
blurring out her breast – sorry Matt. (MATT: No need. That’s the highlight of the show, censors be damned.) In a weird moment of mental sobriety, Rosa
is forced to look at the likely consequences of her actions, which
would probably include the both of them losing their jobs. They
decide it’s a bad idea but Rosa is happy she gets to hang with (MATT: And get felt up by) her friend. She
wishes the other girls would get along with her. Alicia says she shouldn’t let
it get to her. Rosa reflects to the camera on how she doesn’t get why the girls don’t like her. (MATT: Then we see a montage of all the times when Rosa acted like an ass to the other girls, capped off with a clip of her spinning tales to the Divas about her “nervous vomiting” issues. Even the editors can’t stand Rosa.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie and Jon’s house
Mama Bella’s House
LOS ANGELES, CA
HRC Fertility Clinic
Eva’s torn. She wants her tests to come back clean because that means she’s healthy. On the flip side of that coin, if there’s something wrong, then it will be easier to let Jon down. The doctor did, indeed, find a problem: a septum in her uterus, which is a piece of skin growing in the wrong
direction that can be easily corrected. But, she still has good eggs and will easily
be able to have a child. Now she has to tell Jonathan that she doesn’t want
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Target Center for Monday Night RAW
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations,
calls Rosa over to talk to him. He tells him he knows she was planning a “wardrobe
malfunction”. Because of this, he’s also not sure he should believe the original “bare butt” incident was an accident. (MATT: This was so, so awkward and amusing. Carrano could hardly keep a straight face during this “talk”…especially when he utters the phrase, “bare buttocks”.) Rosa asks who told him but Carrano isn’t telling. (MATT: Shouldn’t it be obvious, you fucking twit?) He tells her that she’s close to rising to the top and if she wants that big push, she has to play by the rules.
Rosa’s pissed and confronts Alicia about this. (MATT: Well done there, Sherlock. Your skills of deduction are unmatched.) Alicia said she never told Carrano but was telling the other girls. Rosa: “OMG, I knew it!” (MATT: Get paranoid, Rosa!) “They’re always trying to screw me!” (MATT: GET REAL PARANOID!) Moments later, all is forgiven. (MATT: Thank jeebus. My heart was in my goddamn throat over here.)
SAN DIEGO, CA
John and Nikki’s House
Nikki says she is not
going to the “big cousin dinner” that her family does once a month. All the
cousins will be there except for four and it’s close to where they live. Cena really wants her to go and tells her he will go if she does.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie and Jon’s House
Eva tells Jon that she
went to the doctor and that, yes, she can conceive but it’s not what she wants to
thinks she means right away; she corrects him that she doesn’t want kids
all. She says she doesn’t have the maternal instinct whatsoever. Jon says he wanted a “basketball team”. (MATT: Maybe it’s just me…but telling a woman you want to birth as many children as it takes to field a professional sports team doesn’t help things…) He asks
why she would even want to marry him if she knew that he wanted children. He says she can’t be all about
as she says if she doesn’t want to have a family. She says she never
wanted kids she just kind of went along with it. He said if she has
communicated it in the beginning then he would have known what he was
getting into. He says she lied to him and he’s so mad he’s
going to go work out. (MATT: “I’m gonna bench-press the HELL out those weights!”) Assuming this storyline is real, I think Jon could
annulment pretty easy in California, citing fraud.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Barley Mash (Bar)
It’s Bella cousin night
and Nikki says she loves family time and won’t let Brie ruin that. So, Nikki says hello to Daniel and Brie, then turns her nose up at Brie and immediately goes to hang with a
few other cousins. (MATT: Way to “ruin” things, Brie.) Brie watches as Nikki chats with other family members. (MATT: Then watches as Nikki asks the bartender if he’s ever stabbed his twin brother in the back.) Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan’s wearing a trilby hat. (MATT: Oh, dear lord…)
|(MATT: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!)|
Brie says she’s “apologized” for the 27th time this episode. One of her cousins asks why they can’t just get along. So Brie approaches Nikki and says she wants to talk. Nikki tells her the same shit we’ve heard from Cena and Nikki in the last two episodes. Brie explains that she was in the wrong and that she was only thinking of herself. She won’t do it again. Nikki explains that it’s gonna “take her time”. (MATT: BECAUSE THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE!!!)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Orange County Crossfit (Gym)
Eva Marie has arrived to speak with Jon. (MATT: And to wrap up yet another storyline that had no suspense to begin with.) She convinces him to come to the car (MATT: …so she can blow him…) to talk to her. (MATT: Same thing.) She says
she should have told him the truth but she was scared to lose him because she
fell in love with him that fast. He says had she told him back then, he probably
would have married her anyway. However, she took the decision away from him, post-marriage. She
starts crying and says she can’t be the kind of Mom she has. He says he thinks
she will eventually get in her mind that she wants to have kids (MATT: WHAT?!) and then they will be popping out kids left and
And, with that, this episode’s done.
PUNCHES AND HUGS
This week’s hug goes to…Alicia Fox: Rosa has
only one friend. I guess. And I’m not even sure she can trust her. She thinks
that she has to practically be nude to do well in her career and it backfired
so hard, that the time she had a legitimate wardrobe malfunction, the execs couldn’t trust her due to her future plans to fake one.
This week’s punch goes
to…Eva Marie: You don’t flip-flop about having kids in a few minutes,
especially when someone is trying to talk you into it. She lied to Jon simply by
not telling him she didn’t want them and, yes, that is lying by omission. But you
also don’t decide, “Hey…maybe I’ll have a change of heart.”
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: This is kinda sad. Paige’s addition to the show was most likely meant to elevate this show’s plummeting ratings. And Paige is like the Honey Badger: she don’t care. She’s like a Gremlin. A cute Gremlin. One that slaps man-boobs and runs over washed-up former Divas with service carts. She treats this show like a joke. And it is a joke. In fact, for myself, writing this section of the recap is a lot like Jerry Springer giving you the “What Did We Learn” segment of his talk show: I can’t even take half of what I see seriously because it’s so unbelievably phony and, so, I just write bullshit to fill space.
Most Annoying Cast Member goes to…Nikki/Brie: I’d put Rosa here but I like boobs. I like Alicia and Rosa wrestling in bed so that we can see some boob. I like how Rosa is a gigantic sexual predator who hits on anything that moves and she hasn’t been fired by WWE. And she’s gonna do it again: they already showed clips of her making out with Paige, so we have that to look forward to. But, I have to say that Nikki and Brie’s “angle” is so fucking awful. Every scene is “So, I’m mad at my sister because she ruined my love life”, followed by, “I totally apologized and I just want my sister back”, followed by “You’re a bitch, Brie”, followed by, “I tried to apologize”…and it just keeps going in circles — AND IT STILL ISN’T RESOLVED.
Er, that’s it.
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
Scott Stanford, Corey Graves and Alex Riley are now the RAW Pre-show hosts. Jerry Lawler is leaving RAW to do Thursday Night Smackdown and Booker T is his replacement for the foreseeable future.
And something I didn’t expect (and claimed would never happen in my Daily DDT days on Fansided): the “Macho Man” Randy Savage is the first inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame for 2015. I’ve never been so happy to be wrong.
Let’s get going.
We start with clips of last week’s RAW when Survivor Series was ret-conned and Triple H fired the entire upper half of the WWE roster.
We are LIVE(!!!) from New Orleans, Louisiana!!!
JBL, Cole and Booker T are the guys manning the talking desk of doom.
Cena comes out to the ring and welcomes the crowd to RAW, then shifts to The Authority and recaps us on what happened. He asks the crowd if they liked Ziggler and the crowd pops. He asks if the three guys that got fired deserved it because nobody’s gonna pop for “Do you like Erick Rowan???” He asks the crowd if they wanna see the fired guys tonight. Crowd likes that. He says he wants to talk to the Authority about this since they “listen to the fans”. He has a Plan B: he’s gonna win at the Royal Rumble and, when it’s over, he’s gonna leave WWE with the title and not come back. As if that’s a new idea.
That brings out The Authority. Cole takes time to give us the Sad Exposition: the Fired Three didn’t get a severance package because nothing gets a fan fired up like a millionaire not getting his final paycheck. Steph says John has gone off the deep end and Triple H agrees. Triple H says Cena supported a “mutiny” all of the sudden. Also, Steph calls Cena selfish for “saving Edge” which doesn’t even make sense on Shrooms. Triple H says he hated firing the three guys. He says that he still wants to make Cena a hero again: he asks Cena what he’s going to do to bring them back. All he has to do to get their jobs back is to win his match tonight.
Cena is already expecting a screwjob and asks how many men Triple H will make him face. Triple H says it’s gonna be one on one — against Seth Rollins. Also, it’s a lumberjack match, with an all-heel cast, so the Overbooking Paella has officially been served. Enjoy!
We go to break.
MATCH #1: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security – Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury)
Rollins tries to toss Cena from the ring but that doesn’t work. JBL: “I can’t imagine anyone saying The Authority sucks! Who would do that?” That’s followed by a giant moment of awkward silence as Booker T and Cole pretend that Daniel Bryan never existed for some reason. After some back and forth, Cena gets ejected and the lumberjacks beat up on him. Cena comes back and clotheslines Rollins from the ring but J&J Security make sure to “keep the lumberjacks away” and, of course, they obey. We go to break as Cena winces as though he just saw the script for 12 Rounds 3.
After break, Cena’s at the mercy of Rollins because Bad News Barrett tripped Cena. He immediately comes back with Moves 1 through 3. Rollins counters the 5KS and Cena hits #3 again plus the 5KS and AA. Security comes into the ring and the lumberjacks pull Rollins from the ring. So Cena dives at Rollins and the entire crowd of heels. Back in the ring, it’s a close fall. Rollins comes back with a Small Package for two, then hits an Alberto Del Superkick and gets another two count. Rollins goes top rope but Cena interrupts, culminating in a Turnbuckle Powerbomb by Rollins. Two count.
Rollins gets pissed at the ref, then rushes Cena who gets up and hits a quick Spinebuster for two. It’s an Exchange of Punches by the two guys and Cena ducks a shot. He tries the AA but Rollins lands on his feet. Rollins hits a Reverse Suplex DDT for two. Rollins misses a Stinger Splash and Cena hits an AA. But the lumberjacks immediately pull Cena out of the ring and beat him. Cole: THIS IS A MUGGING!!! A MUGGING!!! Booker: What would you call this, JBL? JBL: A MUGGING!!! Back in the ring, Rollins attacks Cena only to fall victim to the STF. Kane drags Rollins to the ropes. Cena gets pulled out of the ring and Show hits a TKO on Cena. Rollins gets the win at 13:51.
WINNER: Seth Rollins
RATING: **. Creative will never learn. Ever.
TONIGHT: A Contract Signing which totally go smooth with no incident.
ALSO: Daniel Bryan is here!
The Usos and Ambrose are backstage. So is Steph. She tells them not to harbor a grudge against The Authority because of what happened last week. The Usos can’t believe they’re not being punished for anything — so Steph books Naomi in a match where she ties her hand behind her back. Ambrose is now subject to a psych evaluation because he left the hospital when he wasn’t supposed to.
The Miz and Miz-dow are backstage. The Miz congratulates George Clooney for his accomplishments at the Golden Globes. Forgive me. I’m struggling to come up with a Stacy Keibler joke.
Oh, and that psych dude is evaluating Dean Ambrose because this is what Ambrose’s character has come to.
MATCH #2: The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods) (w/ Big E) vs. Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya & Adam Rose)
Kofi and Cesaro start. Cesaro won’t get in the ring, so Kofi kicks him out of the ring, then hits a Baseball Slider. Back in the ring, Cesaro sends Kofi into Tyson’s boot. Tyson tags in and he puts Kofi in a headlock. Kofi escapes but Cesaro and Tyson stomp him in the corner. Cesaro attacks Woods, then hits the Spin on Kofi. Tyson pins for two as Woods breaks it. The heels continue to tag in and out, stomping at Kofi. Kofi manages to dump Cesaro from the ring and it’s a hot tag to Xavier “Zack Ryder” Woods who kicks at Tyson and hits an Enzuguri on Cesaro. Adam Rose gets up on the mat. Woods swings at him and misses. Tyson tries a roll-up but Woods kicks out, tags Kofi, and they hit the
Demolition Decapitation 11th Hour or whatever to win at 5:03.
WINNERS: The New Day
RATING: *1/2. Picture a world where the better tag team jobs to three never-will-bes. Seriously.
Smackdown is gonna move to Thursday. So here’s a commercial starring that epic tag team, New Day.
DANIELLE: Who’s the guy on the left?
MATT: Xavier Woods.
DANIELLE: Oh. Ok.
The Indianapolis Colts apparently do a homage to Ric Flair after their games. Somewhere Flair’s like, “Yeah, no…”
Big Show is out to talk. He says that things come easy to him. He says he beat Hulk Hogan for the World Heavyweight Championship on his first day with WCW. Because it was easy. He yacks about how awesome he is. And Roman Reigns sucks. Like the Knicks. Who don’t play in Louisiana. But, whatever. He will beat Roman Reigns. Because he’s a loser. And so is everyone who likes him.
That brings out Roman Reigns. Big Show bails from the ring. Reigns asks where Show is going. He says he thought he wasn’t “a threat”. Reigns says he was all of 12 years old when that happened. He says he heard a story when he was a kid: Roman says he was little and had magic beans. He planted those beans and it grew a giant beanstalk. Reigns climbed up and found a goose that laid golden eggs. And then he found a Giant. He beat up the Giant. He says that the Giant run away, probing that he was a coward and a loser. Show’s not happy with this at all.
Out comes Luke Harper. Show heads down to the ring with him.
MATCH #3: Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper (w/ Big Show)
Harper and Reigns battle in the corner and Reigns hits the Samoan Drop. Reigns goes for a Superman Punch but, fuck that, this match is worth at least seven minutes or so, so let’s do a commercial break. When we come back, Harper’s using mild gouges and stomps to torment Reigns. Reigns, however, counters a suplex with a Powerslam. Two count. He rushes Harper but Harper knocks him down, sends him outside and tosses him into the stairs. Back in the ring, Harper hits a Reverse Senton for two. Harper puts in a side headlock which Reigns breaks. Harper nails him in the throat, but Reigns comes roaring back with lariats and clothesline. He hits two corner clothelines and a neckbreaker and gets a two-count. Reigns tries a Samoan Drop but Harper escapes and counters with a Big Boot for two. Reigns comes back with a side slam for two. Reigns goes for a Superman Punch but Show distracts im. Harper hits a Spinning Sidewalk Slam for two. We continue on as Reigns manages to get up and hits a Superman Punch and a Sitting Dropkick from outside. Reigns gets back inside but gets distracted again by Show. Superkick by Harper. He sets up for a big move but Reigns hits a Spear for the win at 10:42.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
RATING: **. Roman Reigns isn’t doing a thing for me. Not one damn thing.
Post-match — SURPRISE! Big Show comes in and destroys Reigns, nailing him with a KO Punch.
TONIGHT: Daniel Bryan is here.
We see Jimmy talking to Naomi backstage as we go to break.
The Miz and Miz-dow are backstage. Miz talks Richard Linklater’s “Boyhood”. Miz mentions that Miz-dow has been making a movie just like it. Miz-dow confirms it’s the same kinda film and it’s called “Manhood”. It’s debuting soon. Miz is incredulous as Miz-dow Spock Eyebrows the fuck out of him. I wonder if Vince lives on the souls of exhausted writers.
MATCH #4: Alicia Fox vs. Naomi in a Handicap Match (Naomi has her arm tied behind her back)
Fox taunts Naomi until Naomi kicks the shit out of her with one arm. The Usos watch from backstage because this that important. Apparently, they’re not allowed at ringside. Fox comes back with a spinning backbreaker for two. Fox puts her in the corner and tries to rush her but Naomi boots her and hits clotheslines. Fox ends up outside the ropes and Naomi hits a beautiful high kick, then runs Fox’s head into the mat. Back in the ring, Naomi tries to follow up but Fox kicks her in the face and hits a Scissor Kick for the win at 3:33.
WINNER: Alicia Fox
RATING: 1/4 of a *.
Post-match, Miz saves Naomi from a beat-down. Just kidding. None of that happened because WWE totally forgot that storyline even happened.
The Psych Dude is with Ambrose and says that they’re gonna do a visual game where he shows Ambrose pics and he tells the psych what he thinks. AMBROSE: THURSDAY!!! For some reason, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is in the pile of pics. Ambrose does the “hooooooo” catchphrase, then repeats it when he sees Steph’s pic.
We get a nice shot of Bourbon Street as we continue.
Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar head to the ring to speak. Heyman says that it’s nice to return to the scene of the crime when, 282 days ago, Lesnar ended the Undertaker’s streak. Heyman says Lesnar doesn’t brag because he’s achieved so much that no other man has achieved. Heyman reminds everyone that Lesnar was the man who ended the Undertaker’s streak. He loves that it still bothers the fans. It just makes him want to brag about it more. He says the idea that the Undertaker’s streak is “immortal” is just a fantasy, just like Cena’s motto and the idea that Seth Rollins is “the future of WWE”. Heyman says that tonight is the contract signing for the Triple Threat match at the Royal Rumble and Lesnar will remind everyone what reality is.
TONIGHT: Randy Savage is to be anounced as the next WWE HOF Inductee.
In another bit, The Usos and Miz’s imitate the “OH YEEEEAH” bit. Nikki does a sexy version of it and then argues with her sister because that’s what I wanna see. Cena does his version and Kane won’t even try. MORAL: SAYING, “OH YEEEEAH!” like the Macho Man is really really really hard to do!
MATCH #5: The Miz (w/ Damien Miz-dow) vs. Jey (w/ Jimmy)
Jey slams Miz and hits a cross body and Samoan Drop. Rikishi Splash gets two. Miz fights back and tries the Figure Four. Jey counters with a roll-up for two. Miz-dow gets into the ring to pull on Miz for some reason. Jimmy stops him. Jey gets the SCF from Miz for the win at 2:10.
WINNER: The Miz
RATING: DUD. The match was shorter and worse than the Divas match that preceded it. That should tell you something.
Cole tells us that the UK is getting the WWE Network.
NEXT: Daniel Bryan is here.
Daniel Bryan is out for his spot. He says that there’s something familiar about this. Something happened last time he was in New Orleans. He became the World Heavyweight Champion. He says that history will repeat itself.
But enough of that: here’s Steph. She somehow fits in a plug for her FIT Series. It’s only $9.9–oh, no. That’s that other thing. Steph says that Daniel Bryan is right: he beat Triple H and then he went on to win the big title…but, then, reality came crashing down. We see clips of Kane kicking the snot out of Bryan for a whole month.
Steph says that winners and champions get to the top and stay there. Bryan didn’t do that. Steph says that Bryan’s fans still believe in him. Brie believes in him and so does his “unborn Boxtroll children” believe in him. Steph asks if he truly believes he can do this again. Guess what the answer is. He tells Steph that doing the “YES” chant is better than her workout DVD, then does the Hacksaw “Hoooooo” chant. He says he will never stop fighting and neither will the fans. He says that Steph and The Authority will be proven wrong. Again.
Steph says that he’s not listening to reason and, so, his first match will be on Smackdown and it will be against Kane as Cole pretends that Kane is still dangerous as hell. Kane walks to the ring and Bryan attacks him. He gets his licks in before Kane deposits him into the stairs and stomps at him. Kane sets up the bottom half of the stairs and removes his jacket and tie. He tries a Tombstone but Bryan fights back and punches away at Kane. Refs show up and stop Bryan but Bryan hits a Flying Knee and keeps attacking. Bryan gets back into the ring. Kane tries to get in but Bryan hits the Flying Goat as the refs, once again, peel him off of Kane. Bryan celebrates as we go backstage…
Rollins is bragging about his win earlier — then bumps into Brock Lesnar. Lesnar says he’s just a weasel. Lesnar says Rollins’ “future” starts when he says it starts. Heyman shows up separate them. Heyman says that what Rollins did tonight was impressive. But he’s talking to Brock Lesnar. Perhaps Rollins can work with them in the future. The two just stare each other down.
TONIGHT: The contract signing.
MATCH #6: Paige (w/ Natalya & Tyson Kidd) vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki)
Paige hits Brie with a forearm but Brie fights back and his a dropkick. Two count. Chinlock by Brie. Toss. Chinlock #2 by Brie. Paige comes back with headbutts and a Superkick. Two count. Tyson gets into the ring to distract…somebody. I guess. Brie rolls Paige up for the win at 2:09.
WINNER: Brie Bella
RATINGS: DUD. So, Nattie and Paige are friends because of Total Divas and are heels going against Nikki who is also a heel. Tyson, a heel, distracts nobody at all during a match Paige was winning and Paige loses even though Tyson was on Paige’s side. You know what? I’m apparently the only one that cares here.
Post-match, Paige slaps Tyson. Nattie just smirks.
Holy shit, we’re recapping the Ambulance Match from last week.
Bray spot: he says whatever he does next will shock everybody. Some goofy talk. Run.
Cole finally announces that the Macho Man is the first inductee into the 2015 WWE Hall of Fame. This is the best part of the show. It’s almost undone by the fact that Hulk Hogan will be inducting him. This is against the law…right? RIGHT???
MATCH #7: The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor) vs. Two random dudes
A bunch of bullshit and then The Fall of Man. Done.
WINNERS: The Ascension
RATING: DUD. You know you’ve failed as a tag team when the most intimidating line in your promo is, “We’re better than the Road Warriors!”
Backstage, Ambrose is the shrink and the shrink is Ambrose. The shrink is crying as Ambrose tricks him into signing his release to WWE.
Cena lost tonight. Ambrose is wrapped up in Santino-ville. Roman Reigns is stuck with Big Show. This is really, really ugly.
NEXT WEEK: An arbitrary “RAW Reunion” with Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair and Scott Hall.
Lana says Ryback should have faced Rusev tonight. Then insults Ryback. And Cena. Because nothing gets a crowd going like reminding them that Creative’s booking sucks. Rusev has the mic and he goes on and on.
That brings out Ambrose. He enters the ring and clubs at Rusev, then dropkicks him from the ring. We go to break because nobody wants to see THAT! AMIRITE?
MATCH #8: Dean Ambrose vs. WWE United States Champion Rusev (w/ Lana) (non-title)
It’s a match now. Rusev in control. He hits a Bulldog. He tries to leap at Rusev but Rusev rushes him in the corner and Ambrose ends up landing badly and clutching his knee. Rusev beats on the knee, then puts Ambrose in the corner, working on the knee there. He tries to run at Ambrose’s knee but Ambrose moves and tries a Tornado DDT. Rusev just tosses him aside and goes after him but Ambrose rolls him up and NEARLY gets a three-count. Rusev tries a Fallaway Slam but Ambrose lands on his feet, then does a Rebound Clothesline. Clothesline off the top rope and it’s a near pinfall by Ambrose. Booker calls that “Shades of Randy Savage” even though Savage never really did that ever, but who cares? Savage is in the Hall of Fame. Rusev works on Ambrose’s leg and the ref calls the fucking match?! Are we fucking serious???
RATING: DUD. Why? WHY??? Somebody explain why we just jobbed Ambrose to Rusev. Seriously. Ambrose has looked weak for nearly three months. IT’S OK FOR RUSEV TO TAKE A LOSS.
NEXT: The contract signing.
ON SMACKDOWN: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane
Triple H and Steph are in the ring with the contract. Steph brings out Seth Rollins who comes out with J&J Security. Triple H welcomes John Cena. Last, but not least, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. Heyman has a mic and he says that Rollins is an architect. He brought back The Authority. He had a plan. That plan was endorsed by Paul Heyman. It was needed by The Authority because it was bad for John Cena. That’s good for Brock Lesnar. And that’s Best for Business.
Rollins thanks Heyman — but Heyman says he wasn’t done. He says that Lesnar has run over everyone in his path. Rollins laughs and asks Heyman if he’s upset that this is a Triple Threat Match. Heyman says he IS upset. Lesnar doesn’t have to lose the match. Rollins asks the question again and Heyman tries to answer. Rollins: “I am not FINISHED YET.” He says he built The Shield and killed it. He brought The Authority back and, because of him, three men are fired. It doesn’t matter if it’s Plan A or Plan B, he’s watlking out as WWE Champion.
Rollins signs the contract. Lesnar has the mic and says he conquered the Undertaker and Cena and Triple H. He will conquer Rollins. Cena interrupts and says Lesnar doesn’t have to lose the match. Cena says he also owes Rollins a beatdown. Him and Lesnar will kick Rollins’ ass, then he will kick Lesnar’s ass. Cena signs the contract. Rollins scoffs at this and mocks Cena’s “plan”. He says that Cena’s plans suck. He couldn’t even save his friends. Tonight was Strike 2. The Royal Rumble will be Strike 3.
Cena rushes him. Lesnar hits a German on Cena. Rollins attacks Lesnar. Cena hits an AA on Lesnar through the table. Rollins comes into the ring and attacks Cena, then hits a Curb Stomp. He does the same to Lesnar and stands tall.
But enough of that. Let’s see a trailer for the Macho Man documentary on WWE Network.
When we come back, Lesnar looks at Rollins who is standing on the entrance ramp.
With that, we’re done.
OVERALL: **. Another so-so show. A slight improvement over last week but, after last week’s abortion of a show, I was expecting a lot more than this.
I am the new RAW guy, it seems. I will be back next week. Andy PG is doing Main Event tomorrow. We’ve got retro stuff from Bayless and Scott. NXT and Smackdown will be brought to you by Tommy Hall.
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
SAN DIEGO, CA
The “party” is inside an apartment that looks like the only thing a recently-divorced spouse could afford.
(MATT: And the guests include…)
|(MATT: …White Trash Fandango…)|
|(MATT: …your weird, lecherous Uncle Steve…)|
|(MATT: …Corey Hart Dudley…)|
|(MATT: …drunken selfie chick…)|
|(MATT: …and Calvin Klein model Wade Barrett.)|
yacks with Fandango and then eats a brownie while complaining to the
camera that this isn’t “her scene” because “there’s a guy with no shirt
on.” (TANIA: So, Nattie’s comfort level is obliterated by a guy from a summer pool party?) Nattie,
Fandango and Paige all chat it up in the corner and Paige asks Nattie
if the brownies she’s eating are good. Nattie says they’re a bit dry.
Paige replies that it doesn’t matter because they’ll make her “feel
happy” in a few moments. Nattie doesn’t get what Paige is trying to
construe and says that she’s “happy, happy, joy, joy!” Paige chuckles
and says, “But, really, there’s drugs in the brownies.” Nattie turns
green and runs to the bathroom where she barfs up the brownies and
tosses what’s left in her hand into the toilet. Nattie’s not happy and
tells the camera that “WWE drug tests all the time.” She claims to feel dizzy and tells Paige she needs to leave now. (TANIA: Hilarious. Only Nattie could feel worse while she was high.)
Nattie makes Paige swear to keep this all a secret. (MATT: Ha, ha! Yeah! Keep it on the “down-low”! Because WWE doesn’t produce this show and they won’t ever watch what their own cameramen film or anything that they air. Let’s just keep this a “secret“!)
|(MATT: “Well…at least he’s not thinking about using the napkin as a tampon…”)|
Brie oddly segues from how crazy beard food is to how crazy the Nikki/John situation is and that they need to discuss it. (MATT: Quick! Let’s fix something we worked so hard to fuck up!) She realizes that John’s really a “good guy” after all. (TANIA: “Just not good enough for Nikki. Ha! Let’s break them up again.”) Mama Bella magically sheds any blame and declares this “their mission”. JJ: “OUR mission…” Brie says JJ pressured her into doing it. (TANIA: Nope. It was all your idea, sweetie.)
JJ can’t believe what he’s hearing and says that everyone is
backtracking. Brie tells the camera that she feels like she did the
wrong thing. (TANIA: You did.) She says she doesn’t know if it’s wrong. (MATT: It is.) Mama
Bella says it’s time to man up and tell Nikki everything. JJ says they
already made a decision and nobody can stick to it. Brie: “It’s all
about what YOU want.” (TANIA: SHE WANTED IT TO HAPPEN AND TALKED HER FAMILY INTO IT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!) Mama Bella’s had enough: Nikki will know everything, come hell or highwater because their family doesn’t keep secrets. (MATT: Only Nattie does that, guys.)
wants to talk about last night. Also, she told Emma all about it.
Nattie tells the camera that this is bad because WWE is very strict and
bars certain cold medicines. Nattie asks how she was last night. Paige
tells her she was pretty wild. Nattie loudly declares that she’s “never
had pot before”. (MATT: In front of the entire gym. And Emma. And the camera. Despite wanting to “keep it a secret”. Oh, this show…) Paige
says she was relaxed. Nattie isn’t having this and says she’s gonna
“Google Marijuana side effects” while Emma looks on, absolutely stunned.
Nattie says it stunts movement, makes you panic and hurts your immune
system — which frightens her because she “already has a cold”. (TANIA: What, did she click on “GodHatesMarijuana.com”?!) Paige looks concerned. Nattie says she’s feeling dizzy, then tells Paige to feel her skin because it’s cold and clammy. (MATT: Totally not side effects from her cold.) Paige: “Well, yeah…you’re on a treadmill…” Nattie tells the camera that she never wants to be called a stoner.
Mama Bella’s House
tells Nikki everything. Nikki cannot believe that Brie and the family
took Cena to lunch and did this. Brie (with a straight face and dramatic
music): “It was breakfast…” (MATT: “Oh my god…you guys discussed this over pancakes???”) (TANIA: We have 40 more minutes of this bullshit, and I already know who I wanna punch.) Brie
and JJ defend their positions and tell her that Nikki wants what she
can’t have. Nikki says it still doesn’t matter. They had no right to do
what they did, regardless of the way she felt about things. They
shouldn’t have taken John to lunch. Brie: “Breakfast.” (MATT: Get the facts straight, Nikki. You’re out of your element here.) Nikki
claims she is
happy 99% of the time with him. JJ says that Cena needs to know the
facts. Nikki: “HE KNOWS THE FACTS! I’VE TOLD HIM!” Nikki’s had enough
and storms out of the house. Brie reminds her that she drove Nikki here.
Nikki doesn’t care.
The couple toasts with wine. John says that Brie had told him that he should let Nikki go. (MATT: Technically, it was JJ with Brie as an accomplice, but we’ve already had Nattie get high on pot brownies, so whatever.) Nikki says she hates Brie and never wants to deal with her again.
and Cameron arrive and greet some of the fans who are waiting to get
autographs. Nattie promises them that they’ll be out to take selfies
soon. (MATT: Which is just “not her scene”, I thought…) She
goes in to see HR Lady, who hurries her into the drug-testing room
on-site. Nattie: “Everyone needs to relax! You’re gonna get your urine!”
(MATT: That’s what I tell my guests every single time I host a fetish party…) She finds out that the results won’t be back for two weeks.
She bumps into Rosa, Paige and Emma the Mute backstage and tells them about the car accident she told Cameron not to tell anyone about.
Cameron comes by with a look on her face and Nattie
decides to exit. Cameron waits until she’s gone — then starts spilling
the true story. Nattie shows up out of the same portal the Authority
came from after Cena brought them back and tells Cameron to shut up.
Cameron says the truth will be revealed either way. Either Nattie tells
them now or SHE does. Nattie plays dumb and Cameron tells them Nattie
hit a dumpster on purpose. Nattie denies it all and Cameron tells her to
quit lying. Paige is laughing her ass off and Nattie storms off,
telling Cameron to “let it die”.
Eva and Vincent watch the match from backstage. Nattie, Summer and Naomi
join the three.We get the match and heel turn with the Divas backstge,
fawning over what was one of the worst matches on the card. Steph wins.
Nikki tells the camera that the storyline was perfectly-timed.
THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS
Eva doesn’t want kids, The Bella Twins make up because fuck the
audience, and this all culminates in Rosa and Paige making out in the
hopes that ratings will finally climb out of the cellar and make their
way toward the roof again.)
HUGS AND PUNCHES
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki & John Cena: The
two of them may not be right for one another but they need a chance to
try. On top of that, nobody should be getting into the middle of
This week’s punch goes to…Paige & Nattie: Paige’s
joke was immature and ill-timed and she should have told Nattie the
truth a lot sooner. Of course, it doesn’t help that Nattie’s an idiot
and should have just told WWE the moment she knew what happened.
Instead, she got into a car wreck and acted like an idiot.
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: Oh,
Paige. Paige, Paige, Paige. How do I love thee? We can tell you’re not
taking any of this shit seriously. I just don’t give a shit because this
show is a joke and you were the perfect troll. Also, it was nice to see
you destroy Nattie who has become the biggest jackass this show (and
company) has ever seen. I know, eventually, I will have to call you
“annoying”…but at least we’ll have tonight.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Nattie: Nattie
is the new Nikki. The latter just escapes the list by faking the
“victim” routine well enough. Whew…I’m not gonna repeat the reasons
why Nattie’s #1 this week in this category. The recap should provide
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki: I’m
a sucker for a love story, as silly as it’s become. Let’s face it:
Cena’s a man’s man and Nikki’s his hot little piece. They’re made to
bone. I hug Nikki because nobody needs to get in the middle of anyone’s
This week’s punch goes to…Brie & Nattie: Brie
gets a punch because of the aforementioned bullshit with her sister.
Nattie gets the punch because she’s a total and complete moron. Both
girls get DOUBLE-PUNCHED, in fact, in the vagina. Specifically centered
at the clit. And I can say that because I’m a girl. Suck it.
Er, that’s it.