Meltzer’s Ratings: Payback

As a public service for the people who do not get the newsletter, I have scoped out Dave Meltzer’s star ratings for all the big shows.  Here’s what he thought of Payback:

Dolph Ziggler d. Baron Corbin – **1/4

Kalisto d. Ryback – **3/4

Vaudevillains d. Enzo/Cass – no rating

Kevin Owens d. Sami Zayn – ****

The Miz d. Cesaro – ***1/4

Dean Ambrose d. Chris Jericho – ***3/4

Charlotte d. Natalya – ***1/4

Roman Reigns d. AJ Styles – ***3/4

 

As always, Meltzer love of the Flair dynasty overrates Charlotte’s match, and I think Ryback/Kalisto deserves slightly more love, but otherwise these seem to be internally reasonable.  Thoughs?

BoD Payback

This has nothing to do with the WWE

This is a BoD Network Exclusive

Justice Gray is backstage. He asks were Rockstar Gary and Average Joe Everyman are as he learns from an assistant that Bobby accidentally flew half of the roster to Montana by accident. Justice cant believe this as his 6-man Title match is off of the table for tonight, and the card is short on matches. Bobby walks by with a Snickers bar and jokes about Justice having “cruiserweight thighs” as he laughs hysterically.

Marv Cresto & Art Macklin vs. Fat Otters


Yo yo yo, microwave that bacon and pop in Citizen Kane for the first time ever as the Fat Otters are here. Speaking of here, Marv has taken time out of his bust day which includes smoking pot and watching Netflix in his garage to be here. His partner, Art, comes in through the stands because he is fucking fearless!!!!!! Match starts with the Fat Otters jumping their opponents as soon as they enter. Caliber has Art up for the squat rack crack but he escapes then shoves Caliber into Meekin, who spills outside. Marv then beats on Caliber as Art takes him down from behind. Meekin tries to re-enter but Art takes him out with a baseball slide so fearless it reminded Marv of Joey Cora then Marv puts Caliber in the Liontamer, or as he calls it, the Seattle Supersonic. Art then stands over Caliber and puts him in a chinlock and turns off the stove because the eggs are burnt as Art & Marv are the winners.



Backstage in his office, Bobby Bayless is sipping on some strawberry Quik and eating Combos. In come TimeandtheRani & Dean Andrews, along with Peyton Drinking & Jose Gomez. They are wearing their Cowboys and Indians uniforms. Bobby looks around with glee then shuts the door. Brian Bayless walks by and picks up a sheet of paper off the ground. He looks it over and appears to be in shock. He then knocks on his cousin’s door but all we can hear is “Baby, You a Rich Man” from the Fat Boys.

Before we show, lets see what took place at the Anchor Cheese BoD Fanzone.

Kaptain Kiwi is in his new captain’s uniform on a horse as the Anchor Cheese execs all look at their big successful spokesman. In the corner, the brothers Garea attempt to face-time each other by using their iPhones. All of a sudden, Extant1979 walks into the area and grabs a bunch of flyers. 


Extant: (pulls out his glasses then reads the flyers. A look of disgust appears on his face) After reading this garbage, I have one thing to say (rips up the flyers) IT NEEDS BETTER EDITING!!!!!!!!!!! (Looks over the Anchor Cheese execs in the room) You (points at Johnny Garea), did you edit this shit!!!!!!!! I didnt know they made them that dumb in Australia. If I didnt know any better, I’d say you are from Pittsfield. 
Kiwi: (stares blankly at Extant)

All of a sudden, Nick Piers comes through, holding copies of his books. He looks at his former partner then laughs.

Piers (To Extant) You know, I’d let you edit my book but unlike yourself, my writing gets published. People actually read it too, something else you know nothing about. 
Extant: You think you are funny, don’t you. 


PrimeTime Ten walks in, wearing his Wayne Gretzky jersey.

PrimeTime: I look at you three and I see Alexandre Daigle, Daniel Dore, and Cam Barker. All busts who are nothing. I AM WAYNE GRETZKY!!!!! (raises his hands in victory and now pumps fists as if he scored a goal)


Sir Tony: (has had enough). ALL THREE OF YA LADS SHUT YER MOUTHS. YOU ALL CANT BEAT MY BOY KIWI IN ANYTHING NEVERMIND A WRESTLING MATCH. AND NEXT WEEK, IF HE GETS PINNED, I’LL GIVE THE WINNER FULL CONTROL OF ANCHOR CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(Everyone immediately stops. Anchor Cheese is by far the global leader in canned processed cheddar cheese. This is an unbelievable offer). 

Adam Curry vs Murph – ‘Party in your Mouth Tommy Rich Tribute match’

And now it’s time for the ‘Party in your Mouth Tommy Rich Tribute match’. A warning flashes on the screen telling parents to remove young children from the arena as a handcart pushed by recent BoD NXT callup daveschelet brings the light tubes down to the ringside area. Rockstar Gary stands ready with two shot glasses and a liter of cinnammon schnapps, all the while just downing belts from his own bottle of Jack Daniels. And here’s the sound of ‘Ode to Joy’ as two giant wedges of Anchor cheese are lowered from the ceiling, a single spotlight trained on them. Justice Gray removes it from the tether and will be in charge of the cheese. 
Murph’s music, “Ride the Lightning” by Metallica plays as he stalks to the ring, bouncing off the ropes and not taking his eyes off the entrance ramp as he waits. And here’s the opening riff of “Civil War” by GNR, as Adam Curry appears, flanked by the rest of the six-man tag champions. Curry hands his belt to Kyle Warne, nods to Cabspaintedyellow, and they pat him on the back and head to the back. Curry slowly walks to the ring as Murph stalks back and forth, their eyes locked. Curry slowly goes up the steps, as the intensity is off the charts. 
Both wrestlers stare at each other from the corner as Rockstar hands each of them a shot of fine, fine cinammon schnapps. They each shoot quickly, the bell rings, and we’re underway. They circle each other, shrug, and jump from the ring, each of them grabbing a light tube and returning to the ring, circling again. “C’mon, Curry! Take a shot, pussy!” Adam Curry gets a look in his eye, and he takes the first swing! He misses and Murph takes a home run shot that connects to the rib of Curry! Curry doubles over and Murph breaks it over Curry’s back! Shards go flying and first blood goes to Murph as he laughs over his fallen adversary. Murph picks him up and plays to the crowd…..and Curry with the greco-roman ballshot! We’re not even pretending this won’t be mindless violence, are we? Curry with a few closed fists to the head of Murph as he picks up his light tube and twirls it…..puts it across Murph’s throat and hits a side Russian legsweep! Curry howls in pain as the shards of glass in his back are driven in deeper and the blood begins to flow in earnest! Both wrestlers are already on their hands and knees as Curry drags Murph to his feet and sends him to the corner. Curry charges but Murph drops him into the turnbuckle with a legsweep. Murph with a backrake as blood is now all over his hands, and it’s not his. Murph is clearly enjoying this…..and the bell sounds! Round 1 is over. 
Both wrestlers go to their corners, and each is presented their 5th of a wedge of cheese by a Tommy Rich lookalike resplendent in polka dot banana hammocks. They swallow the cheese and take their shots from Rockstar Gary, downing them quickly and wanting to get back to beating each other senseless. Shards of broken light tube are still all over the mat, along with another unbroken tube. Murph and Curry spot it at the same time, and they both go for it, with Curry getting the upper-hand this time, and he smashes it over Murph’s head! And now Murph has the blood flowing like wine as Curry opens up on him with lefts and rights, then a german suplex! Murph is down, and Curry sort of falls/jumps out of the ring and starts throwing in light tubes. 4,5,6, and two chairs. Curry is back in and kicks at the fallen Murph, stumbling a little bit, setting up the chairs. He puts the light tubes between the two chairs, pointing at Murph and drawing his thumb across the throat. He goes over to Murph and drags him to his feet, but Murph was goldbricking! He pushes Curry off and kicks him in the gut; powerbomb through the light tubes! Shards go flying and Curry howls in pain as Murph looks satisfied while Curry bleeds from dozens of cuts on his back while his blood drips to the mat. Murph rolls him over for 1,2, nope! Curry kicks out, but Murph doesn’t look like he’s that upset. “Time for more fun, Curry! Keep kicking out, you prick!” He gets set for another powerbomb, but all of a sudden, YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB CURRY! He flips out and sends Murph’s face into the chair, widening his cut and he’s wearing a crimson mask to beat the band. Curry staggers off the ropes and falls on top of Murph, 1,2, no! Both wrestlers lay on the mat as the bell rings for the end of the round. The Tommy Rich lookalikes carry each wrestler to their corner, and immediately grab the 5th of cheese and stuffs it in their mouths. Yeah, picture it. Both swallow slowly, and now here’s Gary with the shots. Both wrestlers shoot quickly and get up, Curry bleeding from the back and Murph from the head. 
The bell rings and we’re off to round 3…..and Murph immediately throws up all his cheese on the mat. Both wrestlers stumble around each other as shards of glass line the mat like thumbtacks. Curry grabs a weak headlock and Murph attempts to shoot him off the ropes, Curry stumbles and screams in pain as he bounces off the ropes and the glass is driven further into his back. He attempts to come off with a clothesline, but there’s nothing behind it and Murph ducks it easily. Murph fires a few wild punches, but can barely see with all the blood in his eyes. Curry puts on a front facelock and drops Murph down with a front face DDT. He flops over onto Murph, 1,2, no! Curry gets to his feet and lets loose a scream as Murph also staggers to his feet. Both men face each other, staring through blood and tears. The crowd is rabid, the Tommy Rich lookalikes are looking faint, and Rockstar Gary is barely paying attention while he steadily drinks from his whiskey bottle. They each grab a chair and get ready to duel…..Curry takes a wild swing and misses, but Murph doesn’t – chairshot to the face! And now Curry is busted wide open and Murph is satisfied as he SPITS on Curry and drops down for the pin. 1, NO! Curry kicks out at one! He’s pissed off at being spit on! He wipes the blood away from his face and stumble charges at Murph, connecting with some wild shots….and the bell rings for the end of the round. The Tommy Rich impersonators drag each wrestler to their corner and jam that sweet, sweet cheese in their mouths. Rockstar brings over the shots, and both wrestlers somehow get them down. 
There’s the bell, and Round 4 is underway! Curry is slumped in the corner and trying to drag himself to his feet using the top rope, while Murph takes 3 steps and falls on his face, leaving pools of blood on the mat from his face. He gets to his hands and knees and Curry falls out of the ring as he approaches. Curry gets another light tube while on the floor and attempts to roll into the ring with it, as Murph turns slowly towards him. Curry gets back in but Murph has the other end of the light tube, and we’ve got a bloody, drunken, tug-of-war over the light tube. Murph gets quick control and spears Curry in the stomach with it. Both wrestlers are at 0.7 Muta as Curry doubles over in pain and Murph is on his feet. He staggers towards Curry. “This is where it ends, Curry!” Curry raises his head and flips Murph the double bird as his blood drips to the mat! Murph with the mighty roar and the big swing – the light tube EXPLODES on Curry’s head! Curry wavers for a few seconds and falls to the mat! Murph falls to his knees and crawls over to Curry’s prone form, and drapes his arm across the barely breathing, bloody body. 1,2,3. Murph wins a brutal, bloody classic; he briefly raises his arms and falls to the mat, unconscious. Here comes the stretchers for both men, along with Bobby Bayless, carrying a large jar labeled ‘Bobby’s Special Sauce’ and looking pissed off he didn’t get to use it. He smacks the mat like a petulant child and dumps it over the nearest Tommy Rich impersonator’s head; that liquid is awfully….milky. Rockstar Gary laughs so hard he falls off the chair as both wrestlers are rolled to the back. 
Bill Ray is in the back, lacing his boots: 
“You know, I can’t say I really understand why Petuka and kbjone hate each other so much, or why kbjone has lost his mind and is carrying around a chair and hitting people with it. And frankly, I don’t care. I’m Bill Ray; you boys messed with the wrong man if you thought you were going to just forget about me. It’s time to walk that road….(he grabs his trusty bat and puts it on his shoulder)….and time to bust some heads.”
Folks, lets check back in to see what happened to Biscuit two weeks ago on BoD RAW:
On the Bus, Biscuit sits near the front. There are three guys with hooded sweatshirts and an old lady in the corner talking to herself. She gets off as three men are left with Biscuit. The three men walk near the front and demand to be let off so they are. The driver then goes past the exit as he continues on the road. Biscuit asks him to stop and the driver ignores him. Biscuit then gets up and threatens the driver, who nervously drives the bus) Biscuit then rabbit punches the driver and yanks the emergency break. He gets off  the bus and reaches for a Slim Jim in his pocket but as that happens, the luggage compartments pop open and out comes Camp Cleveland!!!!! They rush Biscuit, who drops his trusty plastic bag and fights back! Biscuit succumbs to the numbers game. Biscuit and WWF1987 stuff him in the luggage compartment as Mikey tosses the driver off the bus as Camp Cleveland takes off. 


Bill Ray vs kbjone vs John Petuka (No DQ, anything goes)
As the “Devil’s Right Hand” plays, Bill Ray appears to the delight of the ladies in the crowd. He swings the bat back and forth as he makes his way to the ring, rolling in and bouncing back and forth. Up next, it’s…..”Rainbow Connection” by the Muppets? It’s kbjone, with his bent-up chair and wide, clearly insane eyes looking all over the arena. Bill is in the ring, cool as can be, watching……but from behind, it’s John Petuka! He wasn’t going to wait and he attacks kbjone with a beer bottle to the back of the head! kbjone goes down like a shot and Petuka picks up the chair! He rushes the ring where Bill Ray is waiting, and Bill Ray takes a swing. Misses! Petuka swings the chair and HE misses! They both swing and the weapons meet in mid-air, and both guys drop them. Bill Ray shrugs and launches himself at Petuka! Lefts and rights back John into the corner, Bill Ray with a cross-corner whip, charge to Petuka, avalanche in the corner! Bill Ray puts on the arm wringer, but Petuka reverses into the hammerlock. Transition into a side headlock. Off the ropes, shoulderblock by Bill Ray sends Petuka to the outside. Bill Ray looks to go after him…..but it’s kbjone from behind! He’s grabbed his chair and takes a mighty shot to the back of Bill Ray’s head! Bill Ray goes down, but kbjone doesn’t go for the pin. He wants Petuka! Petuka’s on the outside, looking petrified, as kbjone leaves the ring and stalks him. Petuka runs for it and slides into the ring. kbjone follows, but Petuka with the stomps and kbjone drops the chair on the outside. Petuka in control now, and he hits a nice delayed vertical suplex on kbjone. Grabs the headlock, off the ropes, bulldog! 1,2, no! Petuka starts to look for a weapon, stomping kbjone on the mat as he heads to the outside. He looks under the ring….kendo stick! Why would those be under the ring, really? Oh, well. Petuka has the kendo stick, and he’s ready to use it! Shot to kbjone! Again! A third! A four- no! From behind, it’s Bill Ray with the neckbreaker! He tosses Petuka from the ring and goes over to kbjone, sending him off the ropes….biiiiiggg back body drop! Drops an elbow! A second! Here’s a cover, 1,2, no! Bill Ray goes adds a few stomps to kbjone, and hits him with a body slam, he’s going to the top. Bill Ray off the top rope with the big legdrop….misses! kbjone moved out of the way! kbjone stumbles back to his feet and is looking for his chair…but from behind, here’s Petuka! Low blow by Petuka! Roll-up, 1,2, NO! Petuka can’t believe it! He’s yelling at the ref, but it was only two! He swears and tosses kbjone from the ring, and turns his attention to Bill Ray. He starts to go to work on the back. Drops a few elbows. Stomps to the small of the back. Gets him up….backbreaker! 1,2, no! Picks him up again, side slam! Petuka gets to his feet. “That’s it!” He’s signaling for the PETUKA BAZOOKA! The women in the front row are fainting in fear of what could happen to Bill Ray! Petuka’s got him up….but here’s kbjone! He’s got his chair and it’s a chairshot to Petuka! Petuka drops Bill Ray, who rolls to the corner, Petuka on his knees. kbjone has a sick grin on his face…chair-assisted shining wizard! 1,2, NO! My God, I was sure that was it! kbjone’s sick grin hasn’t left his face as he hoists Petuka to his feet, and he’s warming up the chair! He takes a big swing, Petuka ducks….and Bill Ray takes the chair to the face! He was coming at Petuka from behind, and he drops his bat! kbjone looks confused, and that allows Petuka to grab the bat. Bat shot! Petuka loads up kbjone…..PETUKA BAZOOKA! No one gets up from that! 1,2,3! Your winner is John Petuka! He staggers back up the rampway, arms raised in victory, as both his opponents are only beginning to stir.
Brian Bayless walks over to Justice Gray: 
Brian: Did you see this shit? (Hands Justice a script). My dumb fuck cousin Bobby is trying to re-book the Revolutionary war with Cowboys and Indians!!!!!!!!!!! He is planning a 4th of July skit. We cant let that happen. 
Justice: (Reads a line from the script): “Me give you wampum, you give me shrimp and crumpets.” 
Brian: Do you see how fucking terrible this is now? He cant even get his stereotypes correct. 
Justice: Yeah, we cant let this make it to air. 


Archie Stackhouse and Robert Davis vs Curtzerker (Tag title match)
“Pleasant Valley Sunday” by the Monkees plays Archie and Robert, accompanied by the rest of the Riverdale Covenant, to the ring. Robert has the mic; he looks at Archie, who nods to him. “Kensington Enterprises…..THIS…..is the end.” He throws down the mic as he and Archie remove their jackets and prepare for war. “Money Talks” by Rick James hits the speakers as Biff Kensington leads Curtzerker to the ring, past the deafening sounds of the HUSS section! The Berzerker tries to wander off, but Extant and Hoss grab him and get him back to the ring, and it’s time to get it on! 
Looks like Davis and Berzerker are going to start. Lockup as the Huss chants grow louder still, and Berzerker is enjoying it! Robert Davis is cool as can be, though, and he grabs a headlock. He works it and goes behind for the armbar, drop toehold and floatover into a front facelock. Williams is shouting encouragement to his partner, as Biff keeps a watchful eye on the rest of the Riverdale Covenant on the other side of the ring. Berzerker works the headlock back up to a standing position and shoots Davis off, shoulderblock by Berzerker! Davis goes down, but the Berzerker elbowdrop misses! Tag by Berzerker to Williams, but here’s a tag to the sick, deranged Archie Stackhouse! Stackhouse slowly gets into the ring while Williams watches warily. They circle, lockup, and Stackhouse with an arm-wringer! Elbow to the shoulder, again! Archie keylocks the arm and starts to pull at the socket. Knees to the chest put Williams down and now Archie drops the knee onto the outstretched arm! Again! Arm-wringer and he yanks at the arm, trying to pull the shoulder out of the socket! Stackhouse is effective, to say the least, and Berzerker come in and takes a cheap shot! Stackhouse smiles! Berzerker doesn’t quite know what to do. Even the HUSS section seems disturbed by this methodical destruction. Archie grabs Williams and hurls him into the corner to Berzerker! “Come on in, my friend! WELCOME TO RIVERDALE!” No one talks that way to Berzerker! He comes right at Archie and backs him into the corner with rights and lefts! Stackhouse is momentarily stunned, and Berzerker has the HUSS chants going again! He fires Stackhouse off the ropes, spinning heel kick by Berzerker? Holy SHIT. Stomps by Berzerker, then a powerslam! Williams is still shaking his arm in the corner as Biff attempts to have Hoss massage it behind the official’s back. Berzerker is in control of Stackhouse in the ring, however, and he’s put on a rear chinlock. Stackhouse gets to his feet, fires elbows at the midsection of Berzerker, off the ropes, switchblade kiss by Stackhouse! Stackhouse tags in Davis, who vaults in over the top rope and goes to work. Lefts and rights into the corner, whip off the ropes, back elbow to Berzerker! Davis stands  over Berserker….standing shooting star press! 1,2, no! Williams with the save! Now Stackhouse is in after Williams, who wants no part of the maniac that is Archie Stackhouse! All four wrestlers are in the ring now, battling it out! Stackhouse has Williams up against the ropes and is methodically tearing him apart, but Berzerker has come to life against Davis after ducking a Davis clothesline. FINALLY, the referee gets Stackhouse and Williams out of the ring, with Berzerker in control. The HUSS section is going wild! ‘HUSS’! ‘HUSS’! Berzerker wishbones Davis and gets ready to tag in Williams to set up for the Huss lock…..but Williams wants to come in with a splash! He misses! Davis DIVES for the tag and makes it! Here’s Archie! European uppercuts for everyone! The Riverdale Covenant leader is ruling the squared circle. He tosses Berzerker outside…..NECK CRANK on Williams! It’s- and Hoss has hit the ring! PANTS-SHITTER to Archie! The referee calls for the bell as now both Kensington Enterprises and the Riverdale Covenant have started an all-out brawl at ringside. The Riverdale Covenant will win this match by DQ, but Kensington will keep their precious tag team titles. 
Due to flight errors, next week on BoD RAW we will see Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 vs. X Man & Night in a Harlem Street Fight. Plus, the C-List Title and Writer;s Title will be on the line. And, Parallax vs. Jobber in the main event. 
Jef Vinson vs Cultstatus (BoD Championship match)
And it all comes down to this. Cult hits the ring to the tune of Pantera’s “Walk”, running the ropes and looking to be in great shape. “Amazing” by Kanye West come on over the speakers, and here’s the Heavyweight Champion, Jef Vinson with his valet striking a pose on the rampway. He takes his time coming to the ring, soaking in the moment. 
The bell rings and we’re underway! Both guys are nose to nose in the ring, calmly trashtalking each other…..slap to the face by Cult! Vinson smiles. Slap to the face by Vinson! Cult smiles. Here we go! Both guys start to throw wild shots, lefts and rights, and now Cult is against the ropes….clean break by Jef Vinson! They circle warily, and here’s a lockup finally. Cult grabs a standing side headlock, Vinson shoots him off, and Cult barrels right through him with the big shoulderblock! Vinson back to his feet and they lockup again, Cult controls again, Vinson reverses to a headlock of his own. Cult attempts a go-behind but Vinson is having none of it and reverses to one of his own and floats over into a belly-to-back suplex. Vinson gets Cult back to his feet, whip to the corner, charge hits the boot of Cult. Cult sends Vinson off the ropes, BIG lariat by Cult! 1,2 no! Cult gets to his feet and starts pointing at various body parts of Vinson, eeny-meeny-miney-moe style. He stops at the knee of Jef, shrugs, and starts to go to work. 
He puts the boots to the knee, then hits a knee crusher. Sets Vinson up in the corner and kicks at the knee on the ropes. Brings him out – dragon-screw legwhip! Drops an elbow on the kneecap! And now, here’s Vinson’s valet to protest the goings-on in the ring, but Cult heads over and she drops down, eyeing him warily (or lustily, as relating to Raw last week? Who knows?), and Cult just points to the back….but here’s Vinson from behind! Randy Orton-style Chinlock backbreaker puts Cult down and Vinson has a moment to breathe. He flexes the knee which has taken a tremendous amount of punishment in the last few moments, trying to get that blood flowing again. Quick stomp to Cult, grabs him by the hair and brings him to his feet. Off the ropes he comes at the prone Cult; he staggers a little bit, but he still manages to hit the spear! Cult goes down and Vinson crawls over. 1,2, no! Vinson grabs the chinlock as he tries to come up with a gameplan, while Cult immediately starts to get to his feet, so Vinson drops down and wraps Cult in a bodyscissors. Cult fires elbows to break, but Vinson calmly grabs the arm, then the other one, and puts on the Rings of Saturn. The Champ is putting on a clinic here, but Cultstatus clearly has no plans to quit. 
Cult manages to make the ropes finally by scrambling and he slides to the outside. Vinson, whose knee is still bothering him but has new life otherwise, is in hot pursuit as Cult attempts to shake off the pain in his upper back…..Vinson from behind with the clubbing blow! He sends Cult into the STEEL post, then into the ringside steps! The ref is being awfully lenient with the rules here, I have to say. Vinson stops to slap his valet on the ass as she looks somewhat concerned about Cultstatus at this moment. Too concerned, if you catch my drift. Vinson rolls into the ring to break the count, then rolls back out. He sets Cult up against the ring apron and chops him! Again! UH-OH, Cultstatus just smiled! Cult is alive and well! He fires back at Vinson and sends him to the barricade! Snap suplex on the floor! He rolls Vinson back in, and now Cult is in full control. He gets him up – powerbomb! 1,2, no! Vinson stays alive! And Cult has gone back to the knee, grapevining it, slamming it into the mat, and trying to take it home with him. Vinson gets to his knees, Cult off the ropes….shining wizard! 1,2, no! Cult is getting frustrated with this. He does a rolling snap of the leg and puts on the cloverleaf! “Tap, asshole, tap!” Vinson won’t do it! He reaches for the ropes, he’s dragging Cult over…..Cult drags him back to the center of the ring! He leans back on the cloverleaf! Vinson STILL won’t quit! His valet gets to the ring apron, but Cult won’t let go! The referee goes over to get her down from the apron as Vinson’s final attempt at a bridge with every last bit of strength works….but it sends Cult into the referee! The ref goes flying into Vinson’s valet as Cult crashes into him, and they both hit the floor! Cult shakes it off, and turns towards the prone Jef Vinson on the mat, pointing at him and making the “I want the belt” motion. Vinson struggles to a sitting position as Cult advances the referee starts to stir on the outside.
Cult gets Vinson up….he’s setting up for the burning hammer! But wait! A masked man has hit the ring from the crowd! He spears Cult! He takes off the mask…..oh my God, it’s Abeyance! Abeyance has returned! He goes to the timekeeper and gets the BoD championship belt, and he’s back in the ring…..BELTSHOT to the head of Cultstatus! “It should have been mine, Cult! You ruined it all! This was my title shot!” Abeyance bails from the ring as Cultstatus is unconscious. Vinson struggles to his feet, having seen nothing, and sees Cult out on the mat. He shrugs, and loads him up….TKO! The referee finally crawls back into the ring and here’s the cover. 1….2….3!! Jef Vinson RETAINS the BoD World Heavyweight championship. He can barely stand, but he poses with the belt…..and here’s Abeyance from behind! Backstabber by Abeyance….Fisherman’s Buster by Abeyance! He grabs the BoD Championship belt and poses to loud boos. It appears Abeyance is back for one thing, and that’s the BoD World title!













WWE Payback – 5/17/2015

We start with our usual sizzle reel as the announcer promises us PAYBACK!!!

We are LIVE(!!!) from Baltimore, Maryland for WWE Payback!!!
JBL,
Cole and King are the guys in the booth as Booker is off manning the
WWE News Desk of Doom tonight. Marcelo Rodriguez and Carlos Cabrera are
the guys at the Spanish Desk.

MATCH #1: Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
Sheamus
slaps Ziggler pre-match. Bell rings and Ziggler is all over him. He
sends Ziggler out of the ring, beats on him outside, then sends him back
in, hitting a Cross Body for two. Sheamus tries White Noise but Ziggler
hits a nice Sunset Flip, getting two. A couple of counters and Ziggler
gets elbowed in the knee. Ziggler rolls out of the ring, favoring his
right knee. When he gets back on the mat, Sheamus suplexes him back in.
Sheamus applies a headlock as Cole and King debate whether or not they
should say the word, “ass”. Ziggler fights out and Sheamus hits the
Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus stomps at Ziggler, then charges at him
but misses and hits the ringpost. Ziggler starts hitting punches and
forearms, then knocks him down with a Flying Press. Ziggler hits a
dropkick followed by punches in the corner. Sheamus tries a side suplex
but Ziggler counters with a DDT for two. Ziggler beats on Sheamus in the
corner…then pulls an ass cheek out of his shorts and makes Sheamus
kiss it. Sheamus leaves the ring, drinks some water, then gets back in.
Now that we’ve gotten THAT out of the way, Ziggler jumps at him when he
re-enters the ring but Sheamus drops his neck on the ropes. He misses a
Brogue and Ziggler hits the Fame-Asser, NEARLY getting the fall. He
punches Sheamus in the corner but Sheamus counters with a Sitting
Powerbomb, nearly getting the fall. Sheamus hits a powerslam and he gets
two again. White Noise by Sheamus followed by The Cloverleaf — but
Ziggler gets to the ropes. Sheamus breaks the hold at four. Sheamus
taunts Ziggler but Ziggler headbutts him and hits a Superkick for two.
Ziggler is cut open BADLY. Sheamus hits the Brogue to finish it and
we’re done at 12:23.
WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: ***1/4. Really good start. Both guys looked excellent here. Glad that we’re past the “Kiss Me Arse” stuff…we can only hope, at least.

Kane
is backstage on his cellphone. Rollins and J&J show up. Rollins
wants to put all the animosity behind them. The two compare all the
back-and-forth they’ve been through in the past four weeks. Kane says
that he doesn’t know what will happen in regards to Rollins’ match. But,
if Kane gets involved, Rollins will know. Rollins threatens Kane and
puts J&J in Kane’s way. Kane laughs at them and all guys walk off.

New Day shows up. Xavier tells people that they can do anything if they just BO-LIE, uh, THINK POSITIVE!!! (DANIELLE: So…they’re Bo Dallas…but they’re better heels, they’re black and there’s three of them. Got it.) There
are Baltimore Oriole players at ringside and New Day berates them for
never having won a World Series — which they could do if they THINK
POSITIVE.

MATCH #2: The New Day (Kofi Kingston &
Big E) (champs) (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Cesaro & Tyson Kidd
(challengers) (w/ Natalya) in a 2-out-3 Falls Match for the WWE Tag Team
Championship

FIRST FALL
Kidd and
Kofi start out. Kidd applies a headlock and Cesaro tags himself in,
hitting an elbow on Kofi. E enters and gets powerslammed by Cesaro in an
impressive start. Cesaro runs at E and E press slams him. He chokes
Cesaro, then gets pulled off by the ref. Woods hits a cheap shot from
outside. Kofi gets involved but Cesaro slams them both and stomps both
their chests. Cesaro puts Kofi up for a Delayed Suplex. Kidd tags in,
knocking Kofi to the mat. E is knocked outside. Cesaro hits the Spin.
Kidd dropkicks him and Cesaro/Kidd take the first fall at 2:52.
WINNERS: Cesaro & Kidd

SECOND FALL
There’s
a skirmish involving Woods and Natalya and Kidd kicks Woods outside.
Kidd tries to dive at E who catches him and puts to the mat. Back in the
ring, E and Kofi stomp at Kidd. Kofi hits a dropkick. E has Kidd
in a bearhug, then drops him to the mat and hits a Warrior Splash.
Cesaro stops the pin. E hits a Spear on Cesaro, then gets back in and
tags Kofi. Two count. Kofi climbs the top rope but Kidd dropkicks him on
the way down. Kidd counters nearly everything E and Kofi throw at him
until Kidd ends up on E’s shoulders. They hit a horrible-looking 11th
Hour as E drops Kidd before Kofi can actually get to him. They win the
2nd fall at 7:41.
WINNERS: The New Day

FINAL FALL
No
let up as E rushes at Kidd. Kidd hits a Drop Toehold and E falls into
the turnbuckle. Cesaro makes his way back in and he gets the hot tag. He
hits five straight uppercuts, then tosses Kofi into E. Cesaro tries an
Underarm Hook Powerbomb but E escapes it. Cesaro hits a quick uppercut
on Kofi and NEARLY gets the fall. Cesaro and Kidd hit the
Decaptitator and NEARLY get the fall as the crowd is WAY into this. Kidd
goes for a Sharpshooter, locking it in. Cesaro runs over and sends E
into the announce table, then gets back to his corner. Kofi escapes the
Sharpshooter. Cesaro and Kidd do the Double Team Uppercut but E saves
the pin. It’s chaos in the ring. Cesaro gets dinged — and Woods
suddenly runs in and hides his face, getting the small package pin as
the New Day retains at 12:44.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: The New Day
RATING: ****. Great match here. Great heel finish. I’ve always liked the old “twin magic” thing.

Ryback is with Byron Saxton. He’s ready for Wyatt — and that match is next. 

MATCH #3: Bray Wyatt vs. Ryback
This
match ends with Bo helping Bray or GTFO. Ryback is all over Wyatt in
the corner, shoulder-ramming him, then hitting a quick spear. He knocks
Wyatt down with a shoulderblock and gets a one count. Wyatt breaks out
of an armbar only to end up in a Press by Ryback. Wyatt rolls out of the
ring and Ryback follows. Short brawl outside. Back inside, Ryback puts
Wyatt in the corner but Wyatt comes back with a flying lariat. Wyatt
hits a slightly painful looking snapmare and puts on a headlock. Ryback
comes back with a Powerslam and gets two. He rushes Wyatt but hits the
ringpost. Wyatt hits a nice DDT on the edge of the ring mat and Ryback
falls outside. Wyatt jumps and hits a Reverse Senton from the mat to the
floor, knocking the wind out of Ryback. The ref counts and Ryback
barely gets back into the ring on time. Wyatt attacks immediately, then
hits a Running Clothesline in the corner. For some reason, Wyatt thinks
it’s time to celebrate on the second turnbuckle and Ryback grabs him and
powerbombs him. Wyatt ends up outside and Ryback runs at him for a Meat
Hook only to eat a clothesline from Wyatt. Two count back in the ring.
Wyatt hits a Suplex Throw, tossing Ryback across the ring. Ryback hits a
clothesline, then a Spinebuster. Two count. Wyatt puts Ryback in the
corner and holds him there, then sets Ryback up on the top rope. Wyatt
goes for the Superplex but Ryback headbutts out of it and hits a NICE
splash and nearly gets the pin. Ryback looks hurt. Wyatt goes for Sister
Abigail but Ryback breaks it and goes for a Shellshock. Wyatt holds the
ropes and tears the top turnbuckle off like a candy wrapper. He knocks
Ryback into it, hits Sister Abigail and this match is done around 10:55.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt via Sister Abigail
RATING:
**1/2. A bit stalled and clunky. Bray finally got a much-needed
win…but this feud really doesn’t mean a lot beyond Wyatt just fucking
with Ryback and Ryback trying to fend him off.

We get a teaser spot for Money in the Bank.

We get the Cena/Rusev match reel…

MATCH #4: Rusev (challenger) (w/ Lana) vs. John Cena (champion) in an “I Quit” Match for the WWE United States Championship
Crowd
is rabid as hell. Rusev has a mic. He says that half the people in the
arena already hate him. He tells Cena to tell him he quits and spare
them the pain. Cena finally attacks him around the 2 minute mark but
Rusev sends him across the ring, kicks him in the ribs and clotheslines
him. The crowd chants for Lana, so Rusev gets her a chair and tells her
to sit down? That’ll help. Back in the ring, Cena misses an elbow in the
corner and Rusev kicks, punches and headbutts him. Cena won’t quit when
the ref gets in his face with a mic, so Rusev continues to kick at him,
then hits a dropkick. Kick. Do You Quit? No. Kick. Do you quit? No.
Rusev hits a Spinning Heel Kick as the crowd chants for Lana. Rusev goes
out to yell at her. Rusev knees him in the chest, then elbows him in
the head. He tells Lana to hand him the Russian flag and Rusev waves it.
He gives the flag back and it’s Moves 1 through 3. 5KS hits but an AA
fails. Cena flies at Rusev who catches him and hits a Fallaway Slam.
Cena rolls outside but won’t quit when the ref asks. Rusev tosses him
into the stairs. Do You Want to Quit? No. Do You Want to Quit? No.

Rusev is pissed and tosses Cena into the ring, then grabs the steel steps, placing them in the corner.  Ref
asks about quitting again. Nope. Toss into the stairs. Quit? Nope.
Another stairs shot. Quit? Nope. Rusev goes for a move but Cena counters
it and backdrops Rusev. Another stair shot. Quit? No. Finally, Cena
hits an AA. Rusev langs on the steps. Ref gets in his face. Rusev
doesn’t quit and rolls out of the ring. Cena throws the ring steps at
him but Rusev moves. They fight outside as Cena sends Rusev into the
ringpost. Rusev won’t quit. Cena sends him through the timekeeper’s pit.
Rusev won’t quit. Cena rolls some sort of storage container over to
Rusev and Rusev just kicks him in the face. John won’t quit and the
fight goes into the crowd. Cena goes for an AA but Rusev breaks it and
hits a weak Alabama Slam that won’t even break the table he sends Cena
into. Cena gets up and hits an AA, then sets up a table. Cena grabs a TV
Monitor and slams Rusev in the back with it. Rusev won’t quit and Cena
just continues to whack him with it. Rusev hides under the table. Cena
retrieves him but Rusev counters and hits the Alabama Slam into the
table. Cena won’t quit. Rusev fucks around with the pyro cables, then
tries his high kick. Cena counters and tosses Rusev into the pyro beds
and fireworks go off, much to Cena’s dismay.

Lana can’t
believe it and rushes to Rusev. The ref asks if he wants to quit. He
won’t. Cena goes off into the side and grabs a metal crowd gate from
1987. The ref asks Rusev if he wants to quit. Nope. So Cena whacks him
with the crowd gate. He sets the crowd gate up against the ring. Cena
tries an AA but Rusev counters with a suplex. Cena won’t quit. Rusev
tosses Cena into the ring and sets up for the big kick, hitting it.
Accolade by Rusev. Cena tries to break it but can’t. Cena falls
unconscious. Rusev thinks he’s won but the ref tells Rusev that’s not
how it works. Rusev’s pissed and he tears the top buckle pad off, then
disconnects the top rope. He revives Cena with a bottle of water and
misses the rope shot. Cena hits the STF, using the ring rope. Rusev says
a bunch of shit in Bulgarian. Lana runs in and just ends this shit at an
overlong 28:02 by saying Rusev quits.
WINNER: John Cena
RATING:
* for some very slight entertainment value. This was like a Michael Bay
movie: no expenses spared, tons of repetitive action, explosions…and
still extremely shitty. And the match ends because Rusev can’t speak
English all of the sudden.

Renee Young and the WWE News Desk of Doom tell us how great that match was.

The
New Day celebrates with champagne glasses full of milk. Byron says that
there’s breaking news about Elimination Chamber: The New Day will
defend the titles inside the first ever Elimination Chamber tag team
match. The New Day says that isn’t fair and that nothing like that has
happened. Byron: “Well…I guess it’s…A NEW DAY.” Oh, man, and he
DOESN’T put on the CSI sunglasses. Opportunity was missed there.

MATCH #5: The Bella Twins (Nikki& Brie Bella) vs. Naomi & Tamina
Nikki dropkicks Naomi after an initial assault by Naomi. Tag to Brie and the two hit a nice falling faceslam. Brie
hits the Running Brie Mode and the fight spills outside. Brie puts her
right back in. The ref pushes Naomi and Tamina kicks Brie’s head off.
Naomi stretches Brie while standing on Brie’s hair. Tamina gets into the
ring and attacks Nikki, then kicks Brie in the stomach. Tag to Naomi
who hits a neckbreaker for a one-count. Brie finally hits a hot tag
after countering a move from Naomi. Nikki hits an Alabama Slam but
Tamina saves the pin. Nikki kicks her out of the ring. Naomi rolls up
Nikki for two. Tamina distracts Nikki. Nikki swings at her and misses
like a National League pitcher taking an at-bat. Naomi hits the Rear
View but Nikki kicks out at two. Slight chaos in and out of the ring but
Naomi knocks Nikki off the top buckle to end this at 6:13.
WINNERS: Naomi & Tamina
RATING:
1/2 a *. Your usual Monday Night RAW Divas Match. Tamina is god-awful.
Naomi was the only one that looked like she gave a damn.

We get a look at WWE’s new pile of dogshit show, “Swerved”, which is, essentially, “Punk’d” with WWE stars.

Lana
sits in a chair backstage as Rusev paces back and forth. He tells Lana
to get out of the room, then picks up her chair and throws it into the
wall.

Cole recaps the whole Daniel Bryan quitting saga.

AT ELIMINATION CHAMBER: a match to determine the new IC Champion.

MATCH #6: King Barrett vs. Neville
Neville
rolls Barrett up after a corner attack. Barrett rolls out of the ring.
Neville tries an air attack but Wade is too hip to this and kicks
Neville in the stomach. Back in the ring, Barrett puts Neville on the
top buckle and pounds on his back. Kick to the stomach and a two count.
Headlock by Barrett. Neville escapes and botches a Springboard move off
the rope. Barrett kicks him and stomps him. Barrett boots Neville
outside. Once he gets back in, it’s a headlock by Barrett. Neville
counters a suplex and finally starts up the offense. He kicks at Barrett
and hits a lariat. Standing Shooting Star Press gets two. He goes for
the Red Arrow but Barrett attacks him and kicks him in the stomach. He
goes for a Bullhammer but misses. Neville runs at Barrett and gets
caught in the Winds of Change. Neville hits a beautiful arm drag pin for
two. Enzuguri by Neville and it’s Red Arrow time. Barrett rolls out of
the ring. Neville hits a Flipping Suicide Dive. Barrett wants to get
back in the ring…but just quits. He just walks off and it’s a
pointless countout at 7:08.
WINNER: Neville via countout
RATING:
**. This match just seemed like it never truly got started with a shit
finish. There’s no velocity and nothing on the line here…so what’s
with the countout?

Post-match, Barrett attacks
Neville, then tries to whack him with the scepter. Neville ducks the
shot, knocks him down and hits the Red Arrow.

Another look at a bunch of people trying out for Tough Enough.

Rollins and J&J walk backstage. Kane finds Rollins and tells Rollins “good luck”.

Kane makes his way down to the ring first. He’ll be at ringside because THIS MATCH NEEDS KANE.

MATCH
#7: Randy Orton (challenger) vs. Dean Ambrose (challenger) vs. Roman
Reigns (challenger) vs. Seth Rollins (champion) (w/ Jamie Noble &
Joey Mercury) in a Fatal 4-Way for the WWE World Heavyweight
Championship

Ambrose, Reigns and Orton go outside to take out
J&J Security. Rollins tries to leapo at Orton but gets hit in the
face. They fight outside. Reigns dives at everyone he sees, then hammers
on Rollins in the ring. Reigns runs at Rollins bur Rollins trips him.
Ambrose attacks and gets two. Orton saves the pin and goes after
Ambrose. Ambrose punches back and hits a bulldog. Orton hits a
backbreaker for two. Reigns gets in and hits an uppercut on Orton. He
tosses Orton out of the ring. Rollins comes in and he’s all over Reigns
with a punch to the back of the head and stomps away. Rollins tries a
clothesline but runs into Ambrose. Ambrose tosses Rollins into Reigns
and Reigns hits a clothesline. Ambrose and Reigns work together on
Rollins with punches to Rollins’ head. Ambrose hits a short-arm
clothesline. Reigns and Ambrose start planning. Reigns goes for the
Superman Punch but Kane pulls him out of the ring. Ambrose attacks him
but Kane beats him up and tosses him into the ring. Orton tries to get
involved but J&J jump him and Kane joins the mudhole stomp.

Rollins
hits a knee to Ambrose’s stomach and gets two. Rollins hits a
Springboard Knee to Ambrose’s head. Two count. Kane removes his shirt as
shit’s about to get real. Rollins hits the Buckle Bomb and Superkick
but Ambrose kicks out at two. Rollins goes for another Buckle Bomb but
Ambrose fights out. Ambrose kicks Rollins. Rollins kicks back. Rebound
Clothesline by Ambrose. J&J jump Ambrose. Ambrose knocks them down
but Kane comes in and hits a Chokeslam. Two count. Orton attacks Kane.
Reigns hits Kane with a Missile Dropkick. Orton clothesline Reigns and
it’s Orton and Rollins. Orton tries a powerslam but manages a suplex
instead. Orton tries to follow up but Rollins nails him and climbs the
top buckle. Orton attacks him and tries the Superplex, hitting it. NEAR
fall. Orton clotheslines Rollins outside and tears apart the announce
table. Ambrose gets in on the fist fight. So does Reigns. Ambrose,
Reigns and Rollins all look at one another and…AND TRIPLE POWERBOMB
Orton through the table! Rollins puts his arms around them! The Shield
is BACK…Rollins puts his fist out for the Shield Salute…Reigns and
Ambrose both stare at him…and attack him. They strip the Spanish table
and drop Rollins on it. They powerbomb Kane on top of Rollins but the
table won’t break. Crowd chants “ONE MORE TIME” and Reigns and Ambrose
oblige, this time, with the table breaking.

Reigns
looks at Ambrose and says, “There’s not much left to do…wanna dance?”
Ambrose nods. They get into the ring, trading shots. Reigns misses a
clothesline. Ambrose hits a press but Reigns grabs him and hits a Driver
for two. Superman Punch by Reigns gets two. Reigns goes for the Spear
but it’s a close fall as Rollins runs in to save the pin. Rollins rolls
out of the ring. Security attacks. Reigns just tosses them around and
goes after Rollins. It’s chaose with Ambrose hitting Rollins with Dirty
Deeds after Reigns hits a Spear on Rollins. Ambrose pins but Kane saves
it, pulling Ambrose outside. Reigns attacks but Kane hits him with the
steel stairs. Orton nails Kane and gets in the ring. Orton goes for the
Vintage Orton DDT but Security pulls Rollins out. Orton RKO’s both
Security guys and hits a HUGE Powerslam in Stride on Rollins as he flies
at Orton off the top rope. Orton hits Vintage Orton on Rollins and
signals for an RKO but Kane gets in the ring to eat an RKO. Rollins gets
up, wraps Orton in a weak, shitty Pedigree and hits it to retain at
21:00.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Seth Rollins via Pedigree
RATING:
****. Abrupt ending and rampant overbooking knock a star off the match,
but good match overall that should satisfy everyone — including those
of us who wanted a Shield moment.

Triple H comes out to congratulate Rollins as we go off the air.

OVERALL:
***1/2 show for me. Started out incredibly well, then hit a HUGE lull
in the middle, only to be capped off by a great main event. I look
forward to RAW and the build-up to Elimination Chamber.

Er, that’s it…

Payback 2015 Thread

The Payback Kick-Off show starts at 7e/6c, with The MetaPowers taking on The Ascension.

Then the main show starts at 8e/7c. The card includes:

  • The Bella Twins vs. Tamina/Naomi
  • WWE Tag Team Champions The New Day defend against Tyson Kidd and Cesaro in a 2 out of 3 Falls Match
  • Neville vs. King Barrett
  • Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus
  • Ryback vs. Bray Wyatt
  • WWE United States Champion John Cena defends against Russev in an “I Quit” Match
  • WWE World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins defends against Randy Orton, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns in a Fatal 4 Way Match

The SmarK Rant for WWE Payback 2014

The SmarK Rant for WWE Payback 2014 Live from Chicago, IL Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL Oddly I had to fast forward through an hour of NXT Takeover before the archived version of the show started, but that might just be weirdness on the Roku. Once again, the Network is amazing because I was working tonight, but I just get home and go to the PPV section and there this show is for me to watch at my leisure. US title: Sheamus v. Cesaro Sheamus comes out swinging and hits a high kneelift, but Cesaro powers him over with a throw. Sheamus fires back with forearms, but misses an elbow and Cesaro throws forearms in the corner. Sheamus dumps him and hits the forearms on the apron, as this match seems to be built on the tenets of real men hitting each other really hard. About goddamn time. Back in, Sheamus tries a slingshot shoulderblock and gets forearmed to the floor as a result. Back in with the deadlift superplex for two. Cesaro with the double-stomp for two and he throws forearms, but runs into the backbreaker for two. Sheamus drops knees off the middle rope and gets two. This is some hard-hitting shit. Cesaro comes flying back with a forearm for two. Cesaro misses a blind charge and Sheamus goes up, but lands on the SWISS DEATH forearm for two. Cesaro slaps him around, but Sheamus hits a backbreaker for two. Sheamus goes for the kick, but Cesaro blocks with a german suplex for two, and Sheamus escapes into the White Noise for two. Cesaro fights off the cloverleaf and comes off the top, but Sheamus catches him with the cloverleaf on the second try. Cesaro quickly powers to the ropes and gets a backbreaker slam for two. Giant Swing has the crowd going nuts, but Sheamus recovers with a small package to retain at 11:42. What a cowardly way to win. I will fight through my disgust at the non-manly way that Sheamus retained and still award this match a good rating because people hitting each other in the face is awesome when done right. ***1/2 Rybaxel v. Cody Rhodes & Goldust The Rhodes’ work Axel over in the corner as the crowd chants for the Hawks. Well, it’s a night of disappointments for them, I guess. Goldust comes in and gets caught in the heel corner as the announcers are now going back to the story that the Rhodes are in a slump, although that seems to change weekly. The heels take turns coming off the middle rope onto Goldust and Ryback works the arm. Really, these two goofs are trying to bring tag wrestling back? RYBAXEL? Ryback with a hammerlock slam, but Goldust cradles for two. Hot tag Cody and he hits the heels with dropkicks and a sloppy moonsault that gets two on Ryback. Ryback catches him on the disaster kick and tosses him into Goldust, and the lariat gets two. Cody cradles Ryback for two and the Crossroads gets two. Another kick is reversed into the Shellshock for the pin at 7:42. So Rybaxel is once again in the hunt for the tag team title shot! Call your friends! Everyone worked hard here. **1/2 Afterwards, Cody walks out on Goldust because he needs a better partner. Too bad Dusty doesn’t have any more sons. Yay, Mountain Dew commercials on a PPV. Not only that, but DIET Dew, which all the announcers and panel members have to display prominently in every shot in place of water. Rusev v. Big E So if Rusev is supposed to be Russian now, isn’t it a bit on-the-nose to have him be named “Rusev”? Big E is now a patriotic flag-waver, which is among the cheapest of cheap heat for someone who was never defined as that before. Big E charges in and slugs away, but Rusev throws him and follows with a corner splash. The announcers bring up Rusev’s sambo background, which reminds me of the greatest MMA shirt I ever saw a fighter wear: “If sambo was easy, they’d call it jiu jitsu”. That’s the kind of shirt that would get you murdered in Brazil. Big E comes back with his crazy spear through the ropes, but it only gets two. Rusev puts him down with a superkick to block the splash, and RUSEV CRUSH at 3:35. It’s slowly getting over. *1/2 This was what it was supposed to be. Kofi Kingston v. Bo Dallas No match, as Kane comes out and beats up Kofi while Bo runs away. Bo gives him an inspirational peptalk after the beating. Total RAW segment. Intercontinental title: Wade Barrett v. Rob Van Dam I’m saddened that Barrett lost the linear World title to Sheamus last week and feel like we haven’t talked about it enough on the blog. They slug it out to start and Rob gets a spinkick for two as the crowd is torn on who to cheer for. Rob with a springboard kick for two and a leg lariat into the corner to put BNB on the floor for the brawl. Back in, Rob with a legdrop for two, but Barrett boots him out of the corner to take over. Chinlock, but Rob fights out and gets a spinkick to make the comeback, and Rolling Thunder sets up the frog splash. Sadly, it misses, but he recovers with a rollup for two. Barrett with the sideslam for two. Rob retreats to the floor and Barrett accidentally bullhammers the post, allowing Rob to hit a DDT for two. Moonsault hits knee, however, and the bullhammer finishes at 9:27. I’m starting to feel like Barrett should yell THIS IS SPARTA before hitting that move, given his beard. Match was a whole lot of nothing leading up to a good finish. **1/2 Daniel Bryan and Stephanie are out for the latest way to stall the World title angle, as Stephanie notes that the fans want Bryan to quit “just like CM Punk did”, but Bryan isn’t going for it and calls Steph a narcissistic bitch. Stephanie as the insufferable boss is just fantastic, and Brie decides to “do the right thing” and quit so that Steph doesn’t have the threat of firing her hanging over. Steph gives an obnoxious little condescending laugh and Brie slaps the shit out of her. That was a surprisingly strong booking of the babyfaces. Last Man Standing: John Cena v. Bray Wyatt Cena brings out the Usos as backup and puts Bray down with a bulldog and clothesline. Bray quickly takes over with a corner splash and leads him in a dance, but Cena puts him down for the five knuckle shuffle. Bray comes back with a gutbuster and gets a 4 count before stomping him down again. Bray escapes the STF and puts Cena down with a uranage for 7, but Cena fights off Sister Abigail. Legdrop from the top, but Wyatt catches him with Sister Abigail and that gets 8 before Cena rises above countout. Cena fights back with the FU, but everyone runs in and the Usos dump the Wyatt Family and hit them with dives. Bray puts Cena down with a chair, but he’s up at 6. He retaliates with the chair, hero to millions that he is, and pounds Bray down, but sets up a table and gets suplexed through it. He gets up from that, so Bray brings the stairs in and puts Cena down with them, then leads the crowd in a singalong for some reason. Heels shouldn’t really stop to pander to the masses. Cena fights back and dumps Bray, then HURLS the stairs at him in a crazy stupid spot. How do you even do that safely? Cena dives after him, and Bray catches him with Sister Abigail on the floor, but Cena whips him into the post as Bray is bleeding from his elbow like crazy. Cena tries a piledriver on the stairs and gets backdropped onto them in another dangerous bump, and Bray follows with a senton off them to put Cena down for 5. Geez, did Natalya v. Charlotte drawing all that praise hit a nerve with these guys or something? Well, good for the fanbase, I guess. The Wyatt Family charges in to help Bray up and beat on Cena, since it’s no-DQ anyway. The Usos also join them and it’s another trainwreck with people hurtling through tables and killing each other, and Cena goes crashing through the barricade with Bray as they brawl into the crowd for the big finale. Bray tosses Cena into the control panel and accidentally triggers some pyro, but Cena gives him the FU through a conveniently placed box before burying him under ANOTHER box to trap him for the win at 24:14. Spoiler: Cena wins again. Hell of a deal, but I’m just so sick of this feud and I’m glad it’s presumably done with. Plus I’ve never liked the Last Man Standing match in general, so while it was pretty great for the match type, it’s nothing I’d want to watch again. **** Divas Title: Paige v. Alicia Fox Meltzer keeps going on about how…whatever this Alicia deal is…is getting her over, but I literally don’t hear anyone else talking about her. Paige gets control and Alicia bails, so Paige runs her into the railing, but gets snapmared off the stairs. Back in, Fox throws a tantrum and pounds away. Northern Lights suplex gets two. Backbreaker gets two and Fox tosses her, but as usual Paige comes back after getting beat up all match and finishes with the crosslock. And then Alicia throws another tantrum, because that’s her deal now. * Elimination match: Evolution v. The Shield Batista’s new beard and bald-spot look makes him look like the swarthy owner of a disreputable donair restaurant in the downtown core. But then those are always the best places to get food at 2am when you’re on a bender. Of course, for me that went out with the Attitude era, but it’s fun to reminisce. Big brawl to start and Reigns starts the match proper in the ring by beating on Smurftista, but Rollins gets whipped into the corner for two. Evolution triple-teams him in their corner, but Orton gets worked over back in the Shield side. Batista comes in and Reigns drops an elbow on him, but he comes back with a spinebuster on Ambrose for two. Next up, we get Reigns v HHH in a preview of the rumored Summerslam match, as Reigns catches him with a backdrop and clothesline, and the Shield goes to work on him, including rolling suplexes from Rollins that get two. Ambrose with a rolling senton into the corner for two, but he goes up and lands on HHH’s foot. This has been very subdued for a no holds barred match thus far. Ambrose gets caught in the heel corner and Batista runs him into the railing and gets two back in the ring. Ambrose as face-in-peril is a really interesting dynamic, as he’s the least sympathetic character you can imagine but somehow pulls it off. HHH drops knees for two and cuts off a tag with a facecrusher, but Ambrose hits him with a drunken master clothesline and it’s hot tag Reigns. I presume it’s time for all hell to break loose now. Reigns beats the shit out of Bluetista and follows with the apron kick, and the Superman Punch gets two. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as everyone pairs off and brawls on the floor. Rollins dives at HHH and gets nailed with a pair of metal, leaving Reigns alone with Evolution at ringside. And that results in him going through a table via triple powerbomb. They make the fatal error of stopping to mock the Shield, and Ambrose comes FLYING out of nowhere with a dive onto them. They regroup on the other side of the ring and then Rollins also appears like magic with a dive, and everyone brawls up the entrance. Orton drops Ambrose back-first onto a chair in a sick bump, and HHH Pedigrees Rollins onto a chair as well. This leaves Reigns alone in the ring 3-on-1, although the reason why Evolution wouldn’t just pin the dead members of the Shield first eludes me. Hubris, perhaps, which never works out well for heels in wrestling in good-booked circumstances. So they put Reigns on the stairs and take turns beating him with canes, just like that other long-haired bearded guy who was all about positivity. You know, Daniel Bryan. So after viciously beating him with a chair and chasing him to the floor, they continue to where Ambrose was lying in wait with another attack. That goes badly for him and Orton hits him with a draping DDT off a prop, but again chooses not to pin him. However, now Rollins comes diving off the Titantron as part of the subset of “Seth Rollins dives off crazy places”, and this allows the Shield to make the comeback. In the ring, Rollins fighs back on Batista but gets speared. Powerbomb is reversed, and Reigns spears Batista to give Rollins the pin at 27:35. Orton hits Rollins with the RKO for two, but Ambrose waffles him with a chair and finishes him with the headlock DDT at 28:38. And that leaves HHH alone, so he goes low on Ambrose, but takes the Superman Punch before Batista sneaks back in and saves. HHH gets his trusty sledgehammer and knocks Ambrose out, but Rollins dives in again and Reigns finishes with the spear at 31:00. The Shield are turning out to be spectacular main event babyfaces. It took a while to really kick into the stipulations, but the Shield somehow successfully switching from bullying heels to plucky underdog babyfaces is a thing of beauty to watch. There was something really elegant about the finish, with HHH clutching his hammer in desperation, only to see the next generation overpower him due to his own pride. Clearly, snark aside, he gets what is best for business as of late. **** The Pulse Well this show really overachieved, probably thanks to competition from NXT, and delivered two great matches and a really good opener, and that’s an easy thumbs up, even if I had ordered it on regular PPV.

Matt’s Recap: WWE Payback – 6/1/2014

Here we are again for another Event Formerly Known as a Pay Per View.
Apparently,
The Rhodes Brothers were added at the last moment as was Bo Dallas. How
Dallas and the Rhodes’s are even on this card is beyond me and should
really show you how thin this roster has become.

Why
they couldn’t just have Brie fight Steph is also confusing. Here’s an
angle that would do double duty: they push a Divas Match everyone would
be interested in seeing and they tie it into Daniel Byran’s plight by
saying the the big title is on the line. If Brie wins, title stays with
Bryan. If Steph wins, the Authority strips the title.

But, no.

We get Bo Dallas vs. Kofi and Big E vs. Rusev. And, before you protest, does anyone actually care about either of those matches?

That’s what I thought.

Anyhow, here’s your card

  • El Torito (w/ Diego & Fernando) vs. Hornswaggle (w/ Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, and Drew McIntyre) in a Mask vs. Hair Match
  • Sheamus (champion) vs. Cesaro (challenger) (w/ Paul Heyman) for the WWE United States Championship
  • Evolution (Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista) vs. The Shield
    (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns) in a No Holds Barred
    Six-Man Elimination Tag Team Match
  • John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) in a Last Man Standing Match
  • Bad News Barrett (champion) vs. Rob Van Dam (challenger) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
  • Paige (champion) vs. Alicia Fox (challenger) for the WWE Divas Championship
  • Big E vs. Rusev
  • Bo Dallas vs. Kofi Kingston
  • Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. RybAxel (Curtis Axel & Ryback)

Let’s begin, shall we?

(For the record: Torito beat Hornswaggle and then did a terrible job of shaving his head.)

We start with Aloe Blacc’s “Ticking Bomb” along with the cracked ice graphics, introducing Payback.

Promo
shows that there are those who are remain in charge and those who wish
to ascend into the light. We get clips of the major feuds, Cena/Wyatt
and Evolution/Shield.

It’s time for PAYBACK!

W are LIVE(!!!) from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois!

JBL, Cole, and King are your guys on the mic.

Carlos Cabrera, Marcelo Rodriguez and Ricardo Rodriguez are on the Spanish mics.

Sheamus is out for his match with Cesaro and we get a recap of this feud from beginning until now.

MATCH #1: Sheamus (champion) vs. Cesaro (challenger) (w/ Paul Heyman) for the WWE United States Championship
Paul
Heyman is out to advocate for a “Paul Heyman guy”. The crowd chants,
big-time, for CM Punk. Heyman says that “HE is not here tonight” because
he’s at The United Center, watching the Blackhawks getting their
“Streak broken” just like Brock Lesnar did to the Undertaker. He finally
introduces Cesaro. The two guys comes out running. Sheamus hits some
immediate forearms and a kneelift. He goes for a Rolling Senton but
Cesaro counters it and starts kicking at Sheamus in the corner. Sheamus
comes back with some elbows and a short-arm clothesline but misses an
elbow smash. Cesaro hits a nice running uppercut in the corner and
follows it up with some of those in the corner. Sheamus counters on an
Irish Whip with a Rolling Senton, then goes for 10 Beats but Cesaro
drops his neck on the ropes. Sheamus comes back and hits a forearm and
Ten Beats. Then he grabs Cesaro and does it AGAIN.

Crowd
just shits all over Sheamus as he takes Cesaro and dumps him into the
crowd barrier. He rolls Cesaro back in and goes for another ten beats
but Cesaro gets free and hits a HUGE uppercut when Sheamus goes for the
Battering Ram. Cesaro grabs Sheamus and rams his head into the ring
post, then hits the Powerplex on Sheamus from outside the ropes! Cesaro
hits a huge powerbomb and chest stomp and gets two. Cesaro continues and
hits uppercuts in two corners. Sheamus rushes out of the second corner
and hits a huge Irish Curse Backbreaker. He stomps at Cesaro and
clotheslines him to the mat, dropping a huge knee on Cesaros neck twice
from the second rope. Sheamus goes up again and huts a third, and NEARLY
gets a fall. Cesaro comes back and hits a HUGE flying uppercut from the
turnbuckle and gets two. He rushes Sheamus in the corner and runs into a
big boot twice. Sheamus goes to the top rope, misses and attack but
rolls out of it. He misses a clothesline and Cesaro hits a HUGE uppercut
out of nowhere and NEARLY gets a pin.

Cesaro slaps at
Sheamus and whips him into the ropes but Sheamus comes back with a
powerslam, getting two. Sheamus sets up for the Brogue but misses.
Cesaro hits the German Suplex and gets two! Cesaro tries for the
Neutralizer but Sheamus counters with White Noise…1…2…KICKOUT.
Wow. Both guys get to their feet. Sheamus goes for the Cloverleaf.
Cesaro kicks Sheamus away. Cesaro goes off the ropes but Sheamus catches
him and puts him into the Cloverleaf again! Cesaro claws for the ropes
and gets there. Cesaro hits an Inverted Suplex and hits the Cesaro Swing
getting nearly 20 spins. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer but Sheamus
hits the Small Package pin for the win at 11:27.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Sheamus via Small Package
GRADE: Solid A. That was great. Like the Main Event match, only with an ending.

Post-match, Sheamus grins ear to ear as Cesaro and Heyman cannot believe it.

Plug for the WWE Countdown Show.

We’re back and we get a lead-up to the next match.

MATCH #2: Goldust & Cody Rhodes vs. RybAxel (Ryback & Curtis Axel)
Dust
and Axel to start. Dust gets a nice slap in the corner and Axel comes
back with punches. He tosses Dust into the ropes and Dust reverses and
hits an Atomic Drop and armdrag, tagging in Cody. He’s all over Axel and
a tag to Ryback. The Rhodes Brothers double team him with a kick to the
stomach and a follow-up elbow to the back of his head. Tag to Axel and
Axel hits a quick kneelift and tags in Ryback. Double teaming and a
corner splash. Series of tags back and forth. Axel hits a double
axehandle off the buckle. Tag to Ryback who stomps at Dust and works on
his arm. Ryback hits a huge suplex and gets two. Quick armlock by Ryback
as the crowd is behind Dust to escape. He does but Ryback body slams
him. He picks Dust up but Dust counters with a small package for two
and then hits an elbow. Dust trues for a tag but can’t do it. Axel is
in and stops him by slinging him into the heel corner. Dust fights out
and hits a NICE rolling Powerbomb for two. He makes the hot tag to Cody
who boots Ryback and a Missile Dropkick. Axel goes off the top rope from
the outside but Cody catches him as well and then hits a Double
Moonsault on both men. Cody gets two and goes for the Disaster Kick but
Ryback catches him and throws him into Dust. Ryback hits the Meathook
but Dust makes the save on the pin. Ryback rushes and gets caught in
Cross-Rhodes! Axel makes the save and gets tossed out of the ring. Cody
goes for another move but Ryback hits Shell Shock for the win at around
7:31.
WINNERS: RybAxel via Shell Shock
GRADE: C+. That wasn’t too bad. A little quick but that was fitting.

Post-match,
Cody sits in the ring and can’t believe it. Dust comes in to console
him but Cody’s not having it. He asks for a mic. Cody says, “Brother to
brother, you need a better tag team partner than me.” Then he leaves and
Dust looks destroyed.


JBL: “I wasn’t expecting that.” Really?

We get an ad for whatever shitty Mountain Dew flavor the announcers are pretending to like.

We get a video of Wrigley Field as the boys lament the fact that the ballpark will never have a winner.

Lana
is introduced as she plugs Russia and Putin. Rusev is suddenly
“residing in Moscow”, according to the announcer. He comes out waving
the Russian flag like he’s killing swarms of bees.

MATCH #3: Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. Big E
(G/F: “Yeah, you’re fucked now, Rusev! E’s got a FLAG, TOO!”) The
two run at each other and collide. Rusev takes over with giant fists. E
comes back, doing the same, but Rusev hits a German Suplex Throw on E.
He beats on E with punches and a corner splash as the crowd chants that
they want Ziggler. Rusev rushes E in the corner but E counters, hitting a
Spinebuster! Rusev struggles to get up and E HITS A SPEAR TO THE
OUTSIDE! HOLY SHIT. E gets to his feet as Lana nearly pops a vein,
screaming at Rusev to get up. E puts Rusev back in and gets two. E runs
at Rusev but Rusev hits Sweet Russian Music HARD on E’s chin. Lana tells
Rusev to CRUSH. Accolade by Rusev. E tries to escape but, fuck it. E
taps at 3:43.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
GRADE:
D+. Come on. A nice, big, long match could have really gotten Rusev
over. He remains boring as hell with another short match where he
practically squashes one of the better guys on the roster. What sense
does that make?

The next PPV is Money in the Bank. Whoever thought the idea of a talking pile of money was awesome needs to be fired.

Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella are backstage, talking. We can’t hear what they’re saying.


MATCH #4: Kofi Kingston vs. Bo Dallas
Speaking
of boring noobs…we begin…and Kane? He gets in the ring. Dallas
bails. Kofi attacks, gets his ass kicked, then gets Chokeslammed and
Tombstoned all as Dallas looks on. Kane hits fire and leaves the ring.
Refs tend to Kofi. Dallas grabs a mic and tells Kofi he’ll be back on
his feet. All he has to do is BO-LIEVE. Kane destroyed the wrong fucking
person.
WINNER: No contest. 
GRADE: Do you even
have to ask? By the way: the last three matches were added at the last
second. We flew threw three of them in ten minutes and one of them
wasn’t even a match. Honestly, what was the point of having them at all?
At the very least, they finally DID close the door on the Rhodes
brothers.

Clips from the Payback Kick-Off Show where Torito beat Hornswaggle and Swaggle got his head shaved.

MATCH #5: Rob Van Dam (challenger) vs. Bad News Barrett (champion) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
Barrett
says that he’s got bad news: RVD isn’t going to be the champ and that
RVD is Old Yeller. Lock-up and Barrett gets his arm locked but fights
out. Quick brawl between the two. Both men punch each other until RVD
hits a spinning kick. Crowd is split. (G/F: “So every single feud has to have a Let’s Go Cena/Cena sucks chant, huh?”) Barrett
gets tossed from the ring. RVD kicks him and the fight spills outside.
RVD tosses him into the barricade and punches at him. He breaks the
count and then hits a huge Flying Roundhouse as the crowd chants, “ECW”.
RVD puts Barrett into the ring and hits a flying legdrop off the top
rope. Two count. RVD tosses Barrett into the corner but Barrett reverses
and kicks RVD in the nads as RVD misses a handstand counter. RVD goes
outside and Barrett hits an elbow off the mat. The fight goes back in
the ring. Barrett drapes RVD on the top rope, punches at him and
celebrates, then hits a kneelift and gets a two-count.

Headlock
by Barrett as the announcers joke about how much more interesting
British celebrities would be more interesting if they delivered bad
news. RVD gets to his feet and hits another spinning kick on a counter.
RVD hits running clotheslines and rams Barrett’s head into the corner
buckle. He tries Rolling Thunder but Barrett gets up. RVD puts him back
down with Sweet RVD Music and Rolling Thunder. He goes for the Splash
but misses by a mile. Barrett misses the Bullhammer! RVD hits a Scissor
Pin but gets two! RVD gets up and flies right into Winds of Change! Two
count! Barrett goes for the Bullhammer outside but hits the ring post!
Fight goes back inside and RVD hits a HUGE DDT! Two Count. He goes for a
Senton off the ropes but Barrett puts the knees up and RVD goes down.
Barrett gets up and hits the Bullhammer and we’re done at 9:28.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bad News Barrett via Bullhammer
GRADE: B-. Finally picked up on the last half. Well-fought.

King takes a swig of Mountain Dew, makes a face like he just swallow cow testicles and then grins.

We get a recap of the whole Daniel Bryan title thing.

With
that, Steph gets in the ring wearing a body dress. Homina,
homina…Steph thanks the audience and says that tonight is a historic
night. Will Daniel Bryan give up the title or will she be forced to fire
Brie. She brings Daniel Bryan out. The crowd pops big-time. Steph says
this is all on him. She says that she knows they’ll conceive some
“weird, bearded babies” but she wants to know what story the Daniel
Bryan family will tell those children.

Daniel Bryan
says that Steph’s ignoring what this audience wants. He’s giving Steph
the chance to change her mind. The crowd chants for CM Punk. The look on
Bryan’s face is pure incredulity. Steph says that the crowd doesn’t
care. They WANT him to quit, just like CM Punk.

Bryan says that Steph is…what’s the word?

Brie: “BITCH.”

Steph
says that Brie made a poor choice in a husband. Brie says that it’s
time for Bryan to do the right thing. She puts her hands out. Bryan
takes the belt in his hands…Brie blocks her husband and then says
she’s not gonna be a powerless victim. Steph doesn’t control her. Steph
says Brie works for Steph. Brie says she’s wrong. She can’t fire her,
She QUITS.

Steph goes Sheer Evil and laughs in Brie’s
face, cackling big time. So Brie slaps Steph in the face! The crowd
loves it. Daniel Bryan and Brie do the YES Chant. Steph leaves the ring,
totally shocked.

NEXT TIME ON LEGENDS HOUSE: The wrestlers do a roast for some reason. 

Back from break, Cole attaches the words, “critically acclaimed” to the show. They recap what’s just happened.


We get a recap for the Cena/Wyatt feud.

MATCH #6: Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) vs. John Cena (w/ Jimmy & Jey Uso)
Crowd
loves the Wyatts so it doesn’t look like the King Beating Spot worked
much. Wyatt waits outside the ring as Cena is introduced. Cena comes
out, sans Usos. That makes no sense whatsoever. The Wyatt Family
gets in the ring to jump Cena…and HERE are the Usos. The Wyatts bail.
The Usos pound the mat to get the crowd roaring and an Uso chant starts.
This is awesome. It’s a brawl to start. Bray hits a mean uppercut and a
back elbow off an Irish Whip. Bray puts Cena in the corner and hits a
running clothesline. Cena gets to his feet, Bray dances around the ring
with him and Cena hits moves 1 through 3, then goes for the Five Knuckle
Shuffle and hits it. AA attempt doesn’t work and Bray hits a Gutbuster,
kneeing Cena in the stomach with a knee. Bray kicks Cena but misses the
Reverse Senton. Cena tries the STF but Wyatt kicks out and hits the
HUGE Spinebuster.

Bray goes into Hanging Spider mode
and Sister Abigail but Cena blocks. The two goes into the ropes and
Wyatt hits a shoulderblock. Cena hangs off the ropes and Wyatt drops
Cena’s neck off the ropes. Cena gets to his feet. The Family comes to
help out and the Usos back up Cena. Wyatt gets back into the ring and
goes for a Superplex but Cena breaks out with a headbutt. Cena goes top
rope and hits the Flying Legdrop. Both men are down. Bray gets up. As
does Cena. Cena tries the AA but Wyatt counters and hits Sister Abigail.
Cena twitches at 5. Cena to his knee at 7 and to his feet at 8. Bray
rushes at Cena and flies right into the AA! Wyatt Spiders up at 7.

The
Wyatts hit the ring and so do the Usos. It’s a brawl that spills
outside. Harper flies outside but hits Rowan instead of the Usos. One of
the Usos goes off the top rope and splashes both Wyatts and the other
Uso. Back in the ring, Wyatt has a chair and clubs Cena with it. Cena
rolls outside. Cena gets to his knees at 6 and then to his feet. Bray
misses the chair to the head, Cena grabs it and clubs Bray across the
back. Back in the ring, Cena nails Bray with the chair again. Bray’s
mouth is bleeding. Cena goes outside, looks under the mat and gets a
table, sliding it inside the ring. He sets it up. Bray attacks but Cena
gets Bray up for the AA…Bray counters and hits the Suplex Throw on
Cena THROUGH THE TABLE.

Cena’s up to his feet at 8.
Bray puts the steel steps in the ring and nails Cena in the face. He
gets the crowd to sing HGTWWIHH. Cena gets to his feet. He sets Cena up
across the steel steps and then goes outside for the chair, tossing it
into the ring. He misses the chair shot. Cena hits it instead, then
nails Bray with the steel steps. Bray rolls out of the ring and lands on
his feet. Cena lifts up the steps and throws them out of the ring right
at Bray’s head like a Cliff Lee fastball. Bray gets to his feet at 9.
Cena goes under the mat for another table, then goes after Bray instead
but Bray hits Sister Abigail! Holy shit. Cena gets to his feet at 7 as
the crowd chants, “THIS IS AWESOME”.

Bray tosses Cena
at the ring post but Cena reverses and Bray flies into the post instead.
He pulls Bray to his ropes and goes for a powerbomb on the steps but
Bray reverses it and back drops Cena on the steps instead. Cena is still
down at 5 and Bray flies at Cena, hitting the Reverse Senton. Cena gets
up to his knees at 5 and gets to his feet at 6. Bray kicks at Cena,
brawling outside. Bray beats on Cena, then grabs a chair but Cena
counters and hits the AA on the mat outside. During the count, The Wyatt
Family comes in out of whatever black hole they were in and attack
Cena. They help Bray up and then attack Cena some more. They go outside
and set up a table.

The Usos appear and they fly at the
Wyatts outside. Jimmy gets clubbed into the face when trying to go
outside for Harper. Tables get set up. Bray’s practically dead outside
and the ref isn’t counting. Rowan and Jey fight. Jey hits Chin Music and
then Rikishi Splashes Rowan into the table. Jimmy attacks Harper, but
Harper puts Jimmy up on the top turnbuckle AND SUPERPLEXES JIMMY THROUGH
THE TABLES OUTSIDE!!! Crowd is chanting “HOLY SHIT” as Bray and Cena
get to their feet. Cena goes for the AA but Bray kicks out, misses a
clothesline. Bray runs at Cena and they go right into the timekeeper’s
pit. The two get up and fight into the crowd. Bray picks Cena up and
dumps Bray into the pyro/audo pit, causing a firework to blow up. He
picks up Cena who grabs Bray for the AA…and CENA AA’S HIM INTO A
HARDWARE CRATE! Then he pushes another hardware crate on top of that
crate, climbs on top of it. The ref counts ten and Cena’s your winner at
around 24:30.
LAST MAN STANDING: John Cena
GRADE:
A+. Way, way, WAY better than expected. Satisfying as hell. That was
the Match of the Night so far and a candidate for Match of the Year.

Post-match, the Usos celebrate with Cena.

Plug for the Money in the Bank PPV.

Special Olympics plug.

Divas Match is next.

Me: Oh good. Here’s your Divas Match.
G/F: Why don’t you just get it over with and write the “F” in there right now?

MATCH #7: Alicia Fox (challenger) vs. Paige (champion) for the WWE Divas Championship
Lock
up and armdrag by Paige. Fox dumps Paige outside as Cole actually says,
“You can’t win the title outside the ring.” Fox and Paige fight outside
the ropes as Paige hits knees and suplexes her inside, hitting elbows
on Fox in the corner. Fox rolls outside and starts crying. Paige goes
after her but Fox trips her. Fox goes into crazy mode again, taunting
fans. Paige recovers and rams her into the barricade. Paige pulls her by
her hair up the steel steps but Fox tosses her up and into the air.
Paige crashes into the barricade and gets rolled back into the ring. Fox
hits a Bridge Suplex and gets two. Fox yells something about having her
face ruined and then hits an armlock to Bridge Chinlock. Fox puts Paige
into another submission move, bending Paige’s back over her knee, then
hits a Spinning Backbreaker on her for two. King: “You never know who a
woman truly is until you meet her in court.” Ouch. Fox goes for another
Spinning Backbreaker but decides to toss Paige outside instead. Paige
gets back in the ring with a dropkick and clotheslines, then does a
“Roman Reigns roar”. She hits the PTO and we’re done at 6:17. JBL:
“Somebody call security NOW before something bad happens.”
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Paige via PTO
GRADE: D+. Eh…can we put an end to Fox now and actually test Paige with someone else?

The crowd chants, “YOU TAPPED OUT”. Fox threatens to go apeshit…but doesn’t for a change.

We get a nice shot of the city of Chicago outside the arena.

Cole
checks in with the WWE Panel, Josh Matthews, Alex Riley and Booker T.
Kofi is noticeably absent. Strangely, the panel talks about everything
except that.

We get a recap of the Shield/Evolution feud.

MATCH
#8: Evolution (Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista) vs. The Shield (Dean
Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns) in No Holds Barred Elimination
Tag Team Match

Somebody in the crowd has a sign that says,
“SPEAR ME, ROMAN”. Uh…bell rings and it’s a Pier 6 Brawl to start.
Batista and Reigns fall outside. Orton dumps Ambrose. HHH and Rollins
are in the ring. Rollins hits an Enzuguri. The right just falls into the
crowd. Orton and Ambrose brawl. You can’t follow this. Rollins dumps
HHH back in. Batista and Reigns end up back outside the ring as Batista
gets sent into the steel steps. Ambrose gets dumped into the
Timekeeper’s pit. Reigns puts Batista back in and uppercuts him. Ambrose
finds his way back into the Shield corner. Reigns tags Rollins who puts
Batista down and then stomps on him. Batista sends Rollins into the
buckle. Tag to Orton who gets elbowed off the ropes by Rollins. Tag to
Ambrose. Double Suplex by the Shield. Ambrose hits an elbow smash and
then puts Orton into a reverse leglock while taunting Evolution. Ambrose
pulls Orton into his corner. Reigns tags in. Orton manages to break
free and tag Batista.

Reigns puts Batista out. Ambrose
tags in but flies into a Batista Spinebuster. Tag to HHH. Ambrose put
into the corner but kicks at HHH and tags Reigns…the two glare at one
another and then finally lock up. HHH into the ropes and he gets a
shoulderblock from Reigns. HHH gets up. Reigns hits a body drop off a
run. Tag to Ambrose. Ambrose headbutts HHH and stomps him. Ambrose tags
Rollins who splashes HHH and hits three straight suplexes. Tag to
Ambrose who puts his foot on HHH’s face and hits a rolling splash in the
corner. Two count. Ambrose goes to the top rope but HHH kicks him in
the face on the way down. Tag to Batista who tosses Ambrose into the
barrier, stomping away. HHH and Batista double team Ambrose with the
ref’s back turned even though it’s supposed to be no-DQ. Tag to Orton.
Ambrose fights him off and tosses him into the ropes but can’t hit the
body drop. Orton tosses Ambrose to the mat by his hair.

Tag
to HHH who drops some knees to Ambrose. HHH tries to whip Ambrose into
the corner but Ambrose reverses and HHH gets sent into the buckle and
out of the ring. Ambrose crawls to his corner but HHH stops him. HHH
hits the Kneelift but Ambrose bounces off the ropes and hits a
clothesline. Hot tag to Reigns who takes out Orton and beats on Batista
in the corner, then a HUGE running clothesline. Rollins comes in and
takes out Orton who leaps on the mat. HHH gets in and Reigns body drops
him, then kicks Batista in the head. Superman Punch by Reigns but HHH
makes the save. Pier 6 Brawl again which breaks up. HHH tosses Rollins
into the barrier. Orton tosses Ambrose into the ring post. HHH tosses
Rollins into the crowd and they fight there. Ambrose and Orton fight
into the crowd as well. Rollins fights off HHH and then leaps at him off
the barrier. HHH clocks him with something and Ambrose is down. COLE:
“What was that?” KING: “I dunno…something metal.”

Reigns
and Batista fight outside now. Reigns put Batista’s head into the post.
Reigns starts stripping the table. Orton attacks and then he’s joined
by Triple H. They strip down the rest of the Spanish Announce Table.
They set Reigns up for the Triple Powerbomb and put him right through
the table. Evolution rest for a second and assess the damage they just
did. Refs tend to Reigns. Evolution goes back to Reigns and mock him
with the Shield fists. Ambrose comes out of nowhere and takes out all
three guys! Rollins follows up and does the same to HHH and Orton. It’s
just a brawl now. HHH tosses Ambrose into the ramp barrier as the fight
goes up the ramp. Evolution grabs chairs and clocks Ambrose and Rollins.
HHH powerbombs Ambrose on a chair, then hits a Pedigree on Rollins on
top of another one. Evolution heads back to the ring and surrounds
Reigns, who realizes how fucked he is.

Reigns runs at
Batista who hits a Spinebuster. Orton stomps at Reigns. Batista goes
outside as HHH and Orton strip Reigns of his top. Batista brings the
ring steps inside. Orton gets a Kendo Stick or two. HHH rams Reigns’
head into the steps. Orton absolutely whacks Reigns across the back with
the stick. Batista does the same. The two take turns. HHH gets a stick
and joins in. Reigns struggles to his feet with giant welts on his back.
Reigns knocks Orton out with the Superman Punch. HHH immediately
attacks and then gets a chair, clubbing Reigns with it. They beat up
Reigns because Ambrose and Reigns are apparently MIA. Ambrose finally
interferes and he gets swarmed by Evolution. Orton hits him with the
off-rope DDT, using one of the lighting rigs. Evolution grabs Reigns and
gets a chair…AND ROLLINS LEAPS OFF THE JUMBOTRON AND SPLASHES
EVERYONE.

Rollins drags himself back into the ring.
Batista is with him and charges. Batista gets kicked in the face.
Rollins goes to the second buckle and leaps…BATISTA CATCHES HIM AND
HITS THE SPINEBUSTER! Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Rollins fights
out of it…AND REIGNS HITS THE SPEAR! Cover by Rollins and Batista is
gone!

1st Eliminated: Batista of Evolution

Orton
gets into the ring and hits Rollins with the RKO! Reigns saves it!
Orton sets up the DDT…but Ambrose nails him with a chair! Dirty Deeds
and a pinfall! Orton’s gone!

2nd Eliminated: Orton of Evolution

HHH
is into the ring and sets up for Dirty Deeds but HHH hits a low blow.
He sets up for the Pedigree but Reigns hits the Superman Punch on HHH!
BATISTA GETS INTO THE RING AND HITS A SPEAR ON REIGNS! Holy shit. Orton,
meanwhile, goes under the ring and gets HHH’s sledgehammer. HHH gets to
his feet but Ambrose is there. He rushes but HHH knocks him out with
it. HHH turns to Reigns and tells him to get up. HHH goes to clock him
but Rollins nails him off the ropes out of nowhere! Reigns with a Spear
and The Shield wins it all at 31:03.

3rd Eliminated: Triple H of Evolution

WINNERS: The Shield
GRADE:
B+. A liiiiitle too much Shield peril as the match just dragged on for
no reason other to make this “epic”. The beginning and middle got sloppy
before things came to an end. The “elimination” gimmick, paired with
No-DQ kinda made things a little messy.

Post-match, Reigns and the boys get up. Reigns stands on HHH’s chest as they join fists.

OVERALL: B+. The throwaway matches lowered the grade. Still, I liked this one. 

That’s
it. AndyPG will start
your week off right with the RAW write-up tomorrow night. I’ll be back on Tuesday with Main Event, Scott Keith will get you the NXT report and Tommy will take you into the weekend with the Smackdown Review.


Thank
you to all my readers and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please
visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and,
of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.

BoD Payback

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Sadly, the BoD Preshow Battle Royal was cut out for time restraints and will appear tomorrow night on BoD RAW.

Welcome to BoD Payback!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, since the start time poll for BoD RAW tied between 10:35 and 11:35, vote again and the winning time will be decided at noon tomorrow.

http://vote.pollcode.com/17949556







BoD Solid B+ Player Championship
WWF1987 vs. Hart Killer 09
What an opening match this is going to be, folks. Two B+ guys competing for a B+ title on a B+ show. Heh. WWF1987 is riding on the fumes of his running off of Caliber Winfield from the BoD. He needs to step up his game if he wants to advance to the finals. Hart Killer 09 is a favorite to win this tournament as many of posters came up to him with a tear in their eye and have said that he is by far the greatest B+ poster off all-time. Hart Killer has been telling people that he is more than just a guy who makes fun of Bret Hart. He also hates people who cut in line and loathes Jam Bands. Anyway, this match starts with both guys taking it to the mat. Hart Killer works the leg until WWF1987 reaches the ropes. According to Wade Michael Meltzer, several wrestlers have came up to Hart Killer 09 with tears in their eyes stating how he is without a doubt the greatest solid B+ poster of all time. WWF 1987 now escapes and chokes out Hart Killer against the ropes. He stays on the attack but Hart Killer fights back. He hits a spinebuster then puts on a sharpshooter but immediately breaks the hold and starts to laugh. He measures up WWF1987 for a clothesline but he whiffs and WWF 1987 takes him down with a neckbreaker. A slugfest ensues and that ends with a double clothesline spot as both men are down again. WWF 1987 is up first and he sets up for a DDT but Hart Killer breaks that up and he uses a Russian leg sweep. Hart Killer heads up both but WWF1987 cuts him off. He then tries a superplex on Hart Killer, who stops that and picks him up and put him on his shoulders and uses a super rolling fireman’s carry slam and that gets the win. Hart Killer moves on to the finals of the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Tournament in an exciting opening match. 
Mar Solo vs. Jesse Baker w/ The Unstable (Elvy Landa, Gideon Stargrave, Steve Stennick)
The question on everyone’s mind is will Mar Solo be able to function with the Unstable clearly inside of his head? Despite beating the Unstable at every turn, they remain inside of his mind at all times. Solo came to the ring with a cup of coffee and his phone, keeping up with all of the BoD threads in a timely fashion. He walks by Gideon, who is whacking himself with his flyswatter yet again. Baker hides under his cape and struggles to take it off. The cape is now over his head as Stennick and Landa assist Baker as Gideon is screaming and hitting himself harder. Mar Solo continues to play on his phone as Stennick calls him a “fucking smark.” Mar Solo finishes his coffee and puts it down as the bell rings. Jesse is out of the cape and inside of Mar Solo’s head even further can before. Jesse charges at Mar Solo with windmill punches but Mar Solo sidesteps him and then picks him up and hits a Death Valley Driver and covers one, two, and three!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Gideon Stargrave is being escorted by White Coat Security as he was banging his head off of the ground. Steve Stennick storms off and that leaves Jesse all alone in the ring. He rolls outside as the BoD Medical Staff comes out and check on Mar Solo? They ask him if he is alright. Mar Solo says he is fine and that he barely broke a sweat beating that “dipshit.” The Medical Staff seem worried and huddle as Mar Solo is confused. Jesse struggles to pick himself off of the ground as the Medical Staff order Mar Solo to get on the stretcher because the Unstable are inside of his head and they have to perform surgery to get them out! Mar Solo asks what they are talking about and refuses to comply with the recommendations and leaves. One thing was made clear today folks, the Unstable is deeper inside of Mar Solo’s head than ever before.
TLC Match for the BoD Tag Team Titles
Curtis Williams & theberzerker1 vs. Paul Meekin & White Thunder vs. Upper Midcard Express vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne (Champions)
All eight men are staring up at the Tag Team Belts, which are suspended from the ceiling. One team will walk out of here the champions and it could be any one of these fine duos. There are two ladders, four tables, and several chairs outside of the ring that can all be used in this match. And this match is underway as everyone immediately goes after each other. ITS FUCKING PANDEMONIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Upper Midcard Express take out White Thunder with a double dropkick. Meekin sends Williams & the berzerker1 to the floor then the champs fly out and hit them with suicide dives. Curry sets up a table but the Upper Midcard Express takes everyone out with springboard dives. Meekin is all alone in the ring as the fans chant “JUMP, MEEKIN, JUMP” Meekin shows us all what eight days of DDP yoga can do for you and climbs up top and flies like an otter but doesnt go far enough and smashes through the table!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT. White Thunder opts to grab a ladder instead of helping out his partner and slides it into the ring. Curtis Williams follows him in and they start to brawl until Warne takes them out with a springboard missile dropkick. Warne sets up the ladder but kbjone spears him in half. He climbs up but only makes it halfway up until Curry yanks him down. theberzerker slides in and hits Curry with a lungblower and now goes to set up the ladder. Petuka comes in and he and Curry climb up the ladder. They are getting closer to the top but here comes Meekin and he charges at the ladder and knocks it over as Petuka and Curry crash down. Meekin picks up the ladder above his head and uses it like a helicopter and knocks down everyone that comes at him. Meekin now sets up the ladder and goes to climb but only makes it up one step and looks down. Meekin looks frightened as and steps off. MEEKIN IS AFRAID TO CLIMB THE LADDER, FOLKS. He yells for his partner, White Thunder to come in and climb the ladder. There is no one around and he is too afraid to go up. Williams and theberzerker come in as Meekin tries to fight them off. kbjone comes off the top rope with a body press but gets caught by all three men but Petuka comes off the top with a missile dropkick and takes them all down. White Thunder makes his way back inside but gets a chair smashed in his face by Warne,  who then takes down Petuka, kbjone, theberzerker, Meekin, and Williams. Curry slides a table inside and places it in the corner. He goes to Irish whip Meekin but that is a big mistake and Meekin sends him in the corner and through the table. Meekin then clotheslines Warne as White Thunder sets up a table outside of the ring. Thunder then slides in a few chairs as Williams and Petuka are slugging it out. kbjone takes one of those chairs and wedges it into the corner. He picks up Curry and sets him up for a Russian leg sweep but Curry escapes and rams kbjone head first into the chair. theberzerker slides in the second ladder and sets that up as White Thunder has Warne in the figure-four. Curry goes for the save but Petuka takes him out with a chair then Williams takes out Petuka with a chair. As Warne is in the figure four, Meekin prepares for the earthquake splash but theberzerker pulls down the ropes and Meekin goes through another table!!!!!!! theberzerker climbs up top now and is getting close to the top. Thunder breaks the hold and runs over to smash theberzerker with a chair on the legs but it does not knock him off. Thunder goes up top and he battles with theberzerker on the ladder until kbjone comes over and pushes them off as both men fly outside and onto Meekin, as he was getting up. kbjone frantically sets up the ladder and heads up but Williams stops him and tries to take him off but Petuka is climbing the second ladder. He is inching is way to the top but Curry climbs up on the second ladder now after Williams took down kbjone with an electric chair drop. Petuka is within reach of the belt but Curry reaches the top of the second ladder and takes Petuka down with a hurricarana as the crowd breaks out in a holy shit chant. Williams sees his opening and tries to climb but Warne is up and plants him with a super kick. Warne climbs up top and he grabs the belt for the win in a fantastic match!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Semifinal Match
BoD Solid B+ Player Championship
PrimeTime Ten vs. Joe Dust
PrimeTime Ten has once again disgraced the BoD by mockingly coming out to Beard Money’s “Don’t Go Messin’ With a Country Boy.” He has the stolen red bandana wrapped around his wrist. PrimeTime attacks Joe Dust before the bell. The happiest man in the BoD is getting stomped in the corner by PrimeTime. Primetime hits a few suplexes for nearfalls then does another cartwheel mocking the injured Beard Money. PrimeTime slaps Joe Dust on the back of the head as he is acting very cocky right now. A big change of personality as this guy turned on his partner then injured him after a vicious attack and even stole grandma’s red bandana. PrimeTime comes off the top with a fist drop but Joe Dust moves out of the way. Joe fights back and hits PrimeTime with a big backdrop. Joe Dust hits a Samoan drop then puts PrimeTime in the corner, who then uses the ref as a shield when Joe Dust charges as the ref is down. PrimeTime goes low on Joe Dust but wait a minute!!!!!!! WE HEAR DON’T GO MESSIN’ WITH A COUNTRY BOY!!!!!!! PrimeTime looks around and we see twenty-five grandma’s wearing red bandana’s around their wrists to either so show support for Beard Money or that they are member of the Bloods. PrimeTime is at a loss then Joe Dust comes from behind and uses a reverse rollup and gets the win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HA HA HA HA, PRIMETIME TEN DONE MESSED WITH A COUNTRY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And with that, Joe Dust advances to the finals of the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship Tournament and will face Hart Killer 09 tomorrow night on BoD RAW. 
Winner Gets Ownership of Nebb28’s Pet Rock
Nebb28 vs. Brian Bayless
This is the story about a boy and his pet rock and the evil, power hungry man who is trying to steal it away. When young Nebb28 was just seven years old, his father gave him that pet rock and they have had an inseparable bond ever since and that son of a bitch Bayless wants to take that away from him!!!!!! White Coat Security is present at ringside, to make sure the Midcard Mafia do not interfere. Bayless points and laughs at Nebb28 then points over to our wonderful time keeper, Mister E Mahn, who is guarding the rock at this moment. Bayless and Nebb28 go at it for a few but neither man can gain the advantage. Bayless then cheap shots Nebb28 off of a break and goes to work. Bayless busts out the FIVE DEADLY MOVES OF GAREA, with an extra jumping side headlock takeover thrown in the mix. Bayless is on the attack and not letting up one bit. He uses a hiptoss as his Garea-like offense is wearing out Nebb28, who is trying to find a way to fight back. Nebb28 dodges a charge by Bayless and takes him down with a super kick as both men are down. Nebb28 is up first and he is angry because someone is trying to take his pet rock away from him. Nebb28 reaches from deep within his soul as he is hammering on the evil GM with lefts and rights. A member of White Coat Security jumps up on the apron to distract the referee as we now see Bill Ray, Average Joe Everyman, Sweet Lee, Rockstar Gary and his number one fan pull out Nebb28 and ambush him outside of the ring. THE GM HAS LOWER CARD WORKERS DOING HIS DIRTY WORK! But look at this, the Midcard Mafia is coming through the card and going after the lower guys. Piers is taking on both Rockstar Gary and his #1 fan. Ferrari is working on Bill Ray and Magoonie Teddy Belmont is taking care of everyone else. White Coat Security runs over as the numbers game is catching up to the Midcard Mafia. Nebb28 rolls his battered self into the ring as Bayless comes over and plants him with a DDT. He climbs up top but Teddy Belmont breaks free from the scrum and hits Bayless from behind and throws him off of the top turnbuckle. Nebb gets up and covers but the referee is distracted as he is ordering Belmont off of the apron. The wild brawl outside of the ring continues but speaking of dirty work, BoD Corporate Custodian, Garth Holmberg is now outside. WHO CAN MOP THE FLOORS AT A TIME LIKE THIS. The referee pays attention to the competitors as Holmberg picks up his mop bucket and throws the water into the face of Teddy Belmont. Hold on! That was not water, IT WAS FLOOR STRIPPER, DAMNIT. AND THEY GIVE THIS MAN A KEY TO THE PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER!!! White Coat Security has Ferrari and Piers held down and they administer haldol shots. OUR GM IS TRULY SICK, FOLKS. The chemicals permeate through the BoD Arena and in the ring. The referee yells at Holmberg but a member of White Coat Security slides in a mop to Bayless and he cracks Nebb28 over the head! Bayless covers and its one, two, three!!!!!!!!!!! A TRUE MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE AS A BOY JUST LOST HIS PET ROCK, GOD DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!! It took a dozen men and a custodian to prevent Nebb28 from ever holding his pet rock ever again. Timekeeper Mister E Mahn holds the diamond-studded pillow that carries the pet rock into the ring and hands it to our GM, who then holds it up for all to see. 
BoD Writers Championship Match
Tommy Hall vs. Stranger in the Alps (Champion)
Tommy learned that you can by throwbacks, off-brand smartphones, and knock-off designer shades but you cannot buy the BoD Writer’s Championship off of Stranger in the Alps. Hall is sporting a Luc Longley throwback tonight, with his Champion sweatpans. Hall taunts Stranger with his Panera rewards card but the man from the Alps is not impressed. Stranger takes Hall down and pounds away. He is not selling his championship to the e-book tycoon. Hall reaches the ropes but Stranger pulls him back and continues the assault. Stranger hits a suplex and covers but Hall kicks out. Hall crawls towards the corner and Stranger follows but Hall hits him low. Hall uses clubbing forearms and takes control for a bit but Stranger fights back. Hall ducks outside and Stranger follows and chases him around but Hall grabs the belt. Stranger goes after Hall, who kicks him low and smashes the belt into his face and the ref rings the bell for the DQ. Hall now grabs a chair and whacks Stranger then poses over him with the belt as this feud is far from over. 
Number One Contender Match for the BoD Heavyweight Championship
Officer Farva vs. Jef Vinson vs. Parallax1978
These three men have been in a war with each other. Farva has yet to come out to the ring. Parallax and Vinson are brawling in the ring. These two top 5’ers are showing why they get a key to the luxurious lounge. Vinson uses a dragon screw and works a chokehold on the mat. Parallax escapes with a thumb to the eye. Parallax stays on the attack but it doesnt last for long as Vinson fights back. They go back and forth but as Parallax charges, Vinson back drops him to the outside! Vinson tries to get himself together but a stumbling, disheveled man comes to the ring holding a bottle and cracks it over Vinson’s head as the ref tends to Parallax. WAIT A MINUTE, THAT IS OFFICER FARVA!!!! Farva covers and the ref see this and looks and recognizes Farva then counts one, two, three!!!!! Farva returns and does not appear to be saved any longer, folks, but he is now the number one contender and will get a shot at the title on tomorrow’s BoD RAW. 
Archie Stackhouse vs. Buck Nasty
Oh yeah. Nasty comes to the ring with the Skank Patrol, who carry him to the ring. Folks, Chang O’Reilly’s is a life changing experience. Stackhouse is a BoD NXT prospect who has been paying his dues as a parking attendant and already shot up to the head attendant in the BoD garage. Stackhouse runs over and attacks Nasty from behind. Stackhouse stomps him in the corner until the referee steps in between. The Skank Patrol are worried as Stackhouse hits a powerslam but Nasty kicks out. The crowd chants for Buck Nasty as he makes his comeback. Nasty uses a flying headscissors and then a leg drop. Nasty whips Stackhouse against the ropes and catches him with a dropkick. Nasty then uses a slam and signals that he is heading up top. IS NASTY GOING TO DROP THE ELBOW? He heads up and he DROPS DA ‘BOW as the ref counts to three and Nasty extends the streak to two wins in a row. The Skank Patrol come in and swoon all over Buck Nasty as they celebrate down the aisle and get into the limo to head to the Cellular Twat. 
BoD Heavyweight Championship Match
Jobber123 vs. Cultstatus (Champion)


And Jobber comes out in the 1995 Infinity, bumping the Ruff Ryders song from the Funk Flex & Big Kap tape that remains stuck in the cassette player. He is also sporting the Adonal Foyle throwback. Jobber exits his car out of the window but Cult immediately tackles him. Cult smashes him against the car and sets up for the big boot but Jobber ducks and his foot goes through the window. Jobber takes Cult and rams him into the steel guardrail. Jobber rolls Cult inside and covers but that isn’t enough to put away the champ. Jobber beats on Cult then stops to post about how Alberto Del Rio is awesome. He turns his attention back to his opponent, who fights back. Cult takes him down with a lariat and then drops an elbow. Cult works a crossface but Jobber makes it to the ropes. Cult pulls him from the corner and grounds him for a bit. Parallax comes outside as a spectator and locks eyes with Cult, who flips him off. Parallax is pissed and that gets the referee’s attention but from behind comes and drunk and stumbling Farva with a chair who nails Cult on the back. Farva then whips Jobber into the referee, who flies out of the ring. And Parallax and Farva are destroying the champion. Jobber gets up and they go for the triple powerbomb but a bandaged and bloodied Jef Vinson runs out and breaks that up. The three-on-two assault continues as the referee slowly gets up. Farva and Parallax hold up Cult for Jobber but from behind comes the masked man who yanks the chair and uses it on Jobber. Vinson flies and hits Farva with a clothesline as the masked man and Parallax are going at in on the floor. In the ring, Jobber sets up Cult for the Razor’s Edge but Cult turns that into a sunset flip and gets two. Jobber tries to whip Cult but it is reversed as the masked man trips of Jobber, who flips out but Cult comes in from behind and hits a big boot before finishing him off with a jackknife powerbomb for the win as the champ retains!!!!!!!!!!!!! The brawling continues outside as Cult is victorious and that is all the time we have, folks. See you at either 10:35 EST or 11:35 EST tomorrow night for BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!

The Only Review of Payback That You’ll Ever Need

From now on I’ll be reviewing all TNA & WWE PPVs that Scott doesn’t. So, hoorah, no? [this question is not allowed to be answered by Cultstatus]

The PPV opens up with a
terribly corny mob guy speaking about payback in between promo videos for
Ryback vs. Cena and Jericho vs. Punk

The
Miz vs. Curtis Axel vs. Wade Barrett – IC Title

I
literally hate everything about The Miz. I hate his jacket, his catchphrase, I
hate the stupid way he walks to the ring, I hate his hand sign. I boo that man.
What I do not boo is the bit of Perfect’s music spliced into Curtis’ theme. Am
I the only one who feels that Barrett’s jacket really kills his cool factor?
It’s so out of place. Miz and Barrett start off the match, keeping things
crisp. Eventually, Barrett is out as Miz and Axel do damn well for themselves.
I’ve never seen Curtis wrestle, and if what I see here is any indication of
what he’s capable of, then he’s gonna be alright. Not sure if it was
intentional or not, but Axel does the Mr. Perfect “you kick my leg while
I’m holding the rope and I do a flip” spot. They eventually get all three
in the ring, and they continue to tear it up. Curtis almost gets Wade with the
Perfectplex, which causes the building to absolutely explode. Miz tries to tap
out Barrett with the Figure 4, but Axel comes in and pins Barrett, and the
crowd goes nuts. This was one HELL of a match. Really, it’s fantastic, marking
the first time since Jericho and Mysterio fought over the IC title that I felt
the belt was actually worth something. This one kept rolling without a hitch,
and is one of the best openers I’ve seen in a good long while. Hell of a way to
open the PPV. 
Axel
pins Barrett while Miz has him in the Figure 4 at 10:36  | ***1/2  A fantastic opener, with Curtis getting
a real chance to shine. Look for it. 

Backstage,
Triple H & Curtis have a stare down. Vince shows up, and he has the
pompadour back, which is good because he just wasn’t Vince with the Cesar cut. 

Kaitlyn
vs. AJ Lee – Divas Championship

Kaitlyn
starts the match by tossing AJ outside and then throwing her over the Spanish
announce table. It’s nice when the women actually show some passion. AJ quickly
turns the momentum to her side by goading Kaitlyn to chase her around ring
side, then climbing up the ring apron and leaping off it with a drop-kick to
Kaitlyn’s face as she rounds the corner. Back in, AJ hits her with a
neckbreaker, continues to hold it and brings Kaitlyn back up for another.
That’s what I like to see, distinctive, cool maneuvers that actually separate
one diva from another. Kaitlyn eventually earns her momentum back with a series
of harsh clotheslines, followed by a sweet Dean Malenko-style
off-the-shoulders-gut-buster. AJ soon puts Kaitlyn in the Black Widow
submission, which is great, but once she gets out she hits AJ with one of the
harshest spears I’ve ever seen. You know, the term to describe most divas is
hot, but AJ is the first one I’d say is sexy. Normally a girl needs more curves
to earn Caliber’s affection, but I can make an exception for AJ. I’m sure
she’ll be delighted to hear this. As for the match, AJ soon makes Kaitlyn tap
to the Black Widow, ending one of the best WWE women’s matches I’ve ever seen.
It was technical, hard-hitting, with little to no botching. A hell of an
effort. Great stuff. Naturally, Kaitlyn is distressed, and the Chicago crowd
tries to cheer her up with chants of “you tapped out”. She’s actually
not a bad actress, as she makes herself cry on command. These two are definite
keepers. 
AJ
forces Kaitlyn to tap out to the Black Widow submission at 9:56 |
***1/4 One hell of a woman’s match. They went out there and busted their asses.
I hope they keep this up

We
then get some jabber from the “Payback panel,” which I guess was part
of the pre-show. It looks like they’re trying to emulate those football pre- and
post-shows, where commentators and former/current football stars talk about the
game. I think it’s a great idea, and I’d watch a show that was entirely that. 

What’s
this Wyatt Family thing? Are they supposed to be like a heel version of Duck
Dynasty or something?

Kane
vs. Dean Ambrose [C] – US Championship

I know
someone in the comments section mentioned seeing a person in a “I’M A
CHRIS BENOIT GUY” T-shirt. I just saw him as Ambrose was coming through
the crowd. The only guy I want to punch more than the type who laughs at their
own jokes is the one who purposely tries to be offensive. As for this match, it
doesn’t have much going for it, to be honest. It’s rather basic. Kane is really
much better suited for tag teams. King finally makes the comparison we all made
months ago when he says Ambrose is like Ledger’s Joker. It’s a pretty basic Raw
match, really. It’s not terrible, and isn’t a blemish for the PPV, it just
doesn’t live up to what we’ve seen tonight. Pretty sweet DDT Ambrose hits on
Kane outside. As it goes, the DDT causes Kane to be unable to make the 10
count, thus a win for Ambrose. 
Ambrose
wins via count-out at 9:34 |
**1/4  Perfectly suitable match, but nothing worth seeking out

We get
the RVD video. I’m interested to see him back in the WWE, hopefully giving a
damn and getting a program with the likes of Punk or Jericho. 

Alberto
Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler [C]  – WHC

If
Russo were writing this, Ziggler’s concussion would have him being all sorts of
confused, and he’d have him kiss Big E on his way to the ring because it’d draw
money and get him over. They really need to unify the WHC with the IC title,
and then make the IC title the belt. Bam, the IC title is worth what it was 25
years ago, and you don’t have two fucking world titles in your company. The
Twitter Ticker is so damn obnoxious and reeks of TRL.
 Del
Rio is fierce on Ziggler, giving him absolutely no chance to breathe, and
chasing him any time he gets but a few feet away. Dolph is acting like his
previous concussion is affecting him, which causes Alberto to beat the living
hell out of his skull. They’re clearly going for a double turn here. Del Rio
nails a…well, there’s no name for it, really. You act like you’re going to go
for a Scorpion Death Drop, but pick the person up and drop them down in a
Diamond Cutter. Except he did it from the top rope. Great moment when Ziggler
is outside and a trainer keeps trying to get him to stop the match and Ziggler
yells “NO! I’M FINE!” as Del Rio comes flying through the ropes, feet
first into Dolph’s skull. He soon wins the match by winding up and kicking
Dolph in the head. Really? The guy’s first defense and he loses? Why do they
hate him? Either way, this match made Dolph look gutsy as hell, and very much a
fighting champion. However, from a quality stand point it just wasn’t that
great. It was literally nothing but Del Rio kicking Ziggler in the head for 13
minutes. The double turn was interesting though. 
Del
Rio boots Ziggler in the skull for the pin at 13:49 |
**3/4  They went a different way with this one, and went big on story
telling. I’m fine with that, but save it for TV

CM
Punk vs. Chris Jericho

They
trade some mat wrestling in the beginning, with neither really able to hold the
momentum. Jericho is finally the first to build a little bit, but it’s cut
short with a neckbreaker from Punk. CM has an awesome moment when he whips
Jericho into the turnbuckle and delivers the running knee where he stays with
the opponent, then bulldogs him. Well, after delivering the knee, he looks to
Cole and says “vintage Punk!” The bulldog is stopped short by Jericho,
however. They trade submissions in a pretty sweet spot, followed by a few
finishers. Jericho hits a super Codebreaker when Punk does his clothesline from
the top-rope. I love stuff like that. An awesome finish soon comes afterward
when Punk hits a GTS on Jericho, causing him to stagger into the corner then
back out, where Punk grabs him for another GTS and the pin. Needless to say,
these guys went out and killed it again. It wasn’t as great as WM, or Extreme
Rules, but they completely brought the goods, without having to repeat any of
their other matches. Great stuff. 
Punk
hits Jericho with the GTS for the pin at 21:21 |
****1/4 This match is fantastic, definitely worth obtaining the PPV for.

Roman
Reigns & Seth Rollins [C] vs. Randy Orton & Daniel Bryan – WWE Tag Team
Championship

It’s
too bad D-Bry is saying ‘yes’ again, because this tag-team could have been
called RKNo. D-Bry and Reigns are in first, with Orton eventually tagging in.
An awesome moment soon comes when Orton attempts to put Reigns in the second
rope DDT, but then just throws him to the side like so much trash in order to
grab Rollins and give him the DDT. For the second time tonight, the crowd has a
booming chant for RVD. The Shield cuts the ring in half, keeping Randy on their
side for quite a while until Bryan is tagged in, and he does massive damage
with drop-kicks so big he almost leaps over the top rope. The finish sees D-Bry
eating a spear because of Orton, and then getting hit with…not sure what to
call it. It’s set up like a Fameasser, except Rollins runs at you, jumps and
steps on your head, then drives it down. Pretty interesting. As for the match,
it delivered. The Shield was dominant, and looked like tag champions should.
There wasn’t a slow moment, and serves as another bright spot on the PPV. 
Rollins
pins D-Bry after a Stepmaster at 12:10 |
*** A solid match that did great things for all parties involved

Ryback
vs. John Cena [C] – 3 Stages of Hell for the WWE Championship

Ryback
has “Unlimited Energy” written on the straps of his singlet. How is
that supposed to scare or intimidate anyone? I don’t think anyone has ever been
afraid of a cup of coffee. Ryaback controls a good portion of the beginning,
keeping Cena down with his usual power offense. The first stand-out moment of
the match is when Ryback is thrown outside and causes a brawl between all 30
wrestlers. Cena then climbs to the top of the rope and jumps into the fray.
Back in, Cena goes for the STFU, but Ryback reveres it into the Shellshock for
the pin. I would have thought they wouldn’t be smart enough to have a guy
they’re trying to build actually pin the champ, but they were. Ryback brings in
a table, then both try to put one another through it to no avail, it’s finally
destroyed when Ryback throws steel stairs right through it as he was aiming for
Cena. Another one is destroyed the same way. I miss blood. This match needs
Cena gushing, and Ryback reveling in it, painting himself with it. Ryback is
finally driven through the table with the FU. He answers back by powerbombing
Cena through the announcers table, then dragging him to the ambulance where
they tear it apart in ridiculous but entertaining fashion. They battle to the
top where Cena delivers an FU that drives Ryback through the roof of the
ambulance, which is pretty sweet. Overall, not a bad match whatsoever. Ryback
looked very strong, even getting a clean pin on Cena. The tables and ambulance
match were more fitting to Ryback’s abilities and the more entertaining portion
of the 3 stages. A perfectly acceptable ending to a PPV that’s been stellar.
Cena
delivers an FU that puts Ryback through the ambulance roof for the win at 24:38
| ***1/4  A worthwhile main event that works in context of the PPV, but
nothing really worth hunting down alone

Showcase
Showdown:
For a PPV that no one thought would be worth much, if anything, they
really came through. We got a fantastic opener, one of the best women’s matches
I’ve ever seen, another classic from Punk and Jericho, and an entertaining main
event. This is one that’s definitely worth checking out, and probably the
biggest surprise of the year.

As always, thanks to my editor, Steven Ferrari. He and I met while we were both training in the League of Shadows. However, we left because we both felt we could serve justice better by writing about wrestling & editing. 
For more Caliber, do go…
Str8 Gangster, No Chaser – Recently updated with a review of Man of Steel, plus, an exclusive look at the script of an upcoming episode of The Big Bang Theory! With notes from Chuck Lorre and everything!
WCW In 2000 – Recently updated with a review of the PPV New Blood Rising. It’s Russo in all his glory, baby. 
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1 – Scott Keith, Maddox, fellow BoD’ers, they all endorse The Man Movie Encyclopedia. I’m not saying it’ll improve your life as a whole, but your sex life? Oh, mos def. It’s only 99cents, you absolutely can not lose. 
Want to email Caliber so you can say you did on your resume? Well send it on this way partner, [email protected]
– Caliber

Payback and RAW

I just watched RAW last night and Payback the previous night, and I haven't read your rants yet. I will do so later but wanted to go on record as saying this has been the best WWE has had to offer in a long time. You're often highly critical of the product, and often justifiably, but if you didn't like the past couple of days there's just no hope for you. It's never going to get any better than this.

Yes, RAW was still an hour too long and therefore must be DVRed and not watched live. (Yes, this means a Twitter and 411mania embargo until getting caught up.) But, although you've mocked them for "telling stories" they're finally telling stories that are interesting. Even the Kaitlyn/AJ storyline is the best divas storyline I can remember since Mickie James/Trish.

I did see on a random clickover to your Blog that you did like the Mark Henry swerve. I'm interested to see what you had to say about the rest.

It's never going to get any better than this?  Is that really how low standards have gotten?  

Payback – worth the buy?

> Hey Scott, seeing as the BODers would never do anything as shocking as stream a WWE PPV online, what is your opinion on the Payback card, is it worth the buy? 
> Here is the card –
> Cena/Ryback (3 stages)
> Jericho/CM Punk
> Barrett/Miz/Axel
> Shield/Bryan & Orton
> Ambrose/Kane
> Kaitlyn/AJ Lee
> Ziggler/Del Rio
>
> 7 matches, and we know it will be a shit hot crowd. I think this could be a great show if we count on Jericho/Punk, Shield/Orton & Bryan and Ziggler/Del Rio all delivering. Cena/Ryback could be some fun carnage, and I'm a sucker for triple threat matches regardless of how crap the participants are. Ambrose/Kane wasn't very good on Raw but who knows… and the ladies match at least has that funny bastard Big E Langston involved.
>
> What say you?  Probably worth a chance for the reasons mentioned.  I might get it depending on my mood.