right…after my hernia surgery, I am surprisingly good enough to
finally sit at a laptop and write. I don’t think I’ve used a computer at
all except for just now. Everything’s been on my phone.
In any case, hope you’re all well.
have a Going Home Show coming tonight and there have been rumors
ranging from a Reigns heel turn to Lesnar showing up at Money in the
Bank to have some sort of impact on the big ladder match.
We are LIVE(!!!) from New Orleans, Louisiana for WWE Monday Night RAW!!!
Michael Cole, JBL and Byron Saxton are the guys at the desk.
Cena starts us off which is a welcome change which, I suppose, might be
the lesser of two evils. He basically gives a mini version of what he
said last week, pandering and yelling at the top of his lungs about how
he’s gonna prove himself because he’s “the face blah blah blah”. This
brings out Kevin Owens who the announcers kinda shit on. Owens says that
the fans are tired of Cena and his Open Challenge. Instead, they should
have an NXT Title Open Challenge. (DANIELLE: Isn’t challenging for, and possibly winning, the NXT Title a step backwards
for a WWE superstar? I’m just saying. It’s like watching a Major League
Baseball team challenging their minor league affiliate for a division
title. It’s hard to be excited for the result.)
Cena condescends and then says he accepts Owens’ challenge. Owens says
that Cena’s delusional. They won’t fight tonight. Cena says that it’s
kinda weak that Owens won’t accept just anyone’s challenge. He rants and
raves about the situation. Owens: “Ok…so, we’re just gonna ignore all of that…and let’s let the person coming from the back decide which title he wants.” We wait for that Superstar and it’s…
Neville has the mic and tells Cena that they’ll fight again someday.
Neville says that Owens likes to mock the fans and the other Superstars.
He can’t let that stand. So, he chooses to take on Owens.
Cena is gonna join the guys on commentary for the love of god…
MATCH #1: Kevin Owens (champion) vs. Neville (challenger) for the NXT Championship
fight immediately starts outside the ring. Neville chases back in, then
hits a nice Hurricarana, tossing Owens outside. Neville dives outside,
knocking Owens down. Neville rolls him back in the ring and pins for a
one count. Owens goes on the attack, hitting a short-arm clothesline.
Neville fights back but Owens shoves Neville in the corner and hits a
splash as well as a Cannonball Splash. Two count. Owens flips Neville up
and drops his stomach on the top rope. Owens hits a headlock as John
Cena won’t shut up about himself and even compares himself to Babe Ruth.
Neville punches away at Owens but Owens catches him and drops Neville’s
stomach right on his knee. Two count. Owens chokes Neville against the
bottom rope, then hits a Side Suplex for two. When we come back from
breaks, Owens has Neville on his shoulders but Neville counters with a
nice DDT. Owens rolls out of the ring. Neville dives at him and the
fight continues. Neville rolls him back inside the ring. A couple of
counters and Neville hits a Springboard Missile Dropkick. Neville tries
to hit a high kick but Owens counters with a Pump Handle Slam and a near
fall. Neville comes back, kicking Owens in the face on a whip, then
hits a German Suplex for two. Neville goes for the Red Arrow but Owens
gets to his feet. Neville knocks him down with an Enzuguri and tries the
Arrow again. He misses. Neville lands on his feet, then hits a
Superkick. Another Red Arrow attempt fails as Owens gets up, knocks him off the top buckle, then hits the Pop-Up Powerbomb to retain at 13:53.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Kevin Owens via Pop-Up Powerbomb
**3/4. Not a bad match. Was slow to start, then picked up. Neville
didn’t get a whole lot of offense and this match could have been light
years better if they had worked to their potential.
Post-match, Owens invites Cena into the ring. Cena obliges but Owens leaves the ring, bragging about how he’s NXT Champion.
Cole, JBL and Byron all talk about the situation with Ambrose and Rollins. We get a long segment detailing Elimination Chamber.
AT MONEY IN THE BANK: Ambrose vs. Rollins for the WWE Title.
Ambrose has been walking around New Orleans with the title.
H and Steph are backstage. Rollins interrupts and he’s so disgusted by
Dean Ambrose! Just DISGUSTED! ACTING!!! They mock Rollins about not
needing help from The Authority. Steph tells Rollins to deal with this
shit and they tell Rollins to pick an opponent to face to prove that he
can handle himself.
review the idiotic “Twin Magic” spot the Bellas pulled last week. On
Smackdown, Paige ridicules the Bellas for “always using that trick”.
Young brings in Nikki Bella. Nikki says that Paige is projecting her
frustration. She thinks that Paige is, like, so ny-eve! Like OMG! Nikki
says that this IS Paige’s house…but she lives in the Bellas’ world.
Next, Summer Rae vs. Nikki Bella.
MATCH #2: Summer Rae vs. WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella (non-title)
Nikki stiffly slams Summer, then does push-ups because that’s what she always
does during matches. Summer comes back with a forearm and a Cobra
Clutch. Nikki breaks because that shit only works if you’re Ted DiBiase.
She somehow knocks Nikki down and gets a two count. Summer chokes Nikki
against the buckle. Nikki comes back and hits the Rack Attack to get
the win at 2:18.
WINNER: Nikki via Rack Attack.
RATING: DUD. (Danielle: Oh, come on. Nikki’s entrance music was longer than that match.)
Cole can’t even be bothered to recap any of that. Instead, we take a look at Roman Reigns running the Gauntlet last week.
More Instagram photos of Dean Ambrose just hanging out in various spots in New Orleans.
Reigns is out here to talk. He says that he hated the MITB case and the
contract because it was tied to a guy he detests. He says he’s gonna
make history when he climbs the ladder and gets the contract. Aaaaaand
here comes Kane to dead silence. Kane says that he believes that anyone
else stands a better chance than Roman. He says that Reigns is full of
weakness, not strength. Reigns just invites Kane into the ring and he’ll
show people how to break a jaw. That brings out Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler
says that Kane can’t do a thing unless The Authority pulls his string.
He says that Kane is a human hardware store because he throws “wrenches”
into peoples’ plans and “hammers” things out and “screws” people and
he’s a “tool” because he “tools away”. Oh, jesus, please cut away to
anything. He says he has a hot Russian chick and he’ll win the MITB
case. Kane goes with the “tool” thing. He says that Ziggler and Reigns
better watch their mouths because the MITB foes will be in singles
brings out R-Truth as this segment just takes a turn. Kane: “What are
you doing out here? You’re not even IN the match!” Truth: “I’m not? You
sure? This one’s on me. My bad.” Oh…fuck. Wow. Truth leaves.
The New Day shows up. They insult Kane. Kofi says that when he wins
MITB, all of The New Day will be the winners of that case. Kane
interrupts their chant again — only to bring out Sheamus. Sheamus says
that the thought of winning the MITB case brings a smile to his face.
More ranting. Kane interrupts again and says that everyone’s forgetting
about Neville and Randy Orton.
Orton’s music hits. (DANIELLE: So…we had to sit through all that, plus R-Truth, just so Kane could introduce Randy Orton?)
When we come back, it’s Orton and Sheamus…
MATCH #3: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
match starts outside but continues inside with Randy Orton hitting a
back breaker and Garvin Stomp. Sheamus rolls outside to recover but
Orton attacks with a clothesline, then rolls Sheamus back inside.
Sheamus attacks with shots in the corner but Orton hits uppercuts and a
headbutt. Sheamus hits quick uppercuts. Orton fights back and knocks
Sheamus down. Sheamus rolls out of the ring again. Orton goes outside
and shoves him back in. Orton whips him into the corner but Sheamus
elbows him on a charge, then hits a short-arm clothesline for two.
Sheamus puts on an armbar but Orton breaks it and hits a dropkick.
Sheamus comes back with some shots, then puts Orton outside. When we
come back from break, Orton breaks a headlock only to see Sheamus
powerslam him for two. Orton fights back as the two men trade punches.
Sheamus knees Orton in the gut and whips him to the ropes. Orton comes
back with a knee to the gut and clothesline along with a Powerslam in
Stride. Sheamus regains momentum only to fly into the corner post. Orton
hits a leghook suplex and goes for the Vintage Orton DDT. RKO attempt
by Orton goes awry. Sheamus tries a Brogue but misses and Orton
clotheslines him outside. It’s a brawl as Sheamus tries to toss Orton
into the table. Orton manages to fly over it and lands on his feet.
Sheamus grabs a chair but Orton punches Sheamus, then hits Sheamus in
the stomach with the chair for the DQ at 13:09.
WINNER: Sheamus via DQ
RATING: **. This was the same match we saw last week. Still, these guys put on a great brawl.
Orton’s in a bad mood and decides to beat the holy hell out of Sheamus,
putting him into the steel steps. He rolls Sheamus into the ring and
hits the RKO.
is on Instagram, looking at more of Dean’s pics. J&J come by and
say they know that Rollins said some things he didn’t mean. Rollins says
he meant every single word. He calls them morons. Noble’s had it. He
says that they’ve had Rollins’ back for a long time and that he wouldn’t
continue to be champ if it wasn’t for them. Rollins says that he’s
gonna prove how awful they are — because he wants to take them on in
tonight’s main event. He laughs at Noble, then slaps him in the face.
Noble slaps him back. Rollins lunges but Mercury gets in his way and
says that they’ve defended Rollins — but, tonight, they’re gonna kick
MATCH #4: Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane
Whoa, we haven’t seen this
match before. I can hardly wait. Ziggler hits a dropkick, sending Kane
into the corner. Ziggler goes for a splash but Kane belts him in the
face. Lana, meanwhile, stands halfway down the aisle as Kane hits
uppercuts. Long headlock spot with Ziggler finally hitting a chinbreaker
to escape. Kane grabs him, however, and it’s a Side Suplex for two.
Kane punches Ziggler in the corner and then hits a hard knee to
Ziggler’s head. Kane hits a scoop slam for a one-count. Ziggler comes
back, kicking Kane in the head but Kane picks him up and hits a Sidewalk
Slam for two. When we come back from a commercial, Ziggler hits the
Fame-Asser and gets a near fall. Ziggler tries the Superkick but Kane
catches his foot and goes for the Chokeslam. Ziggler counters and does
hit the Superkick. Both men go down…and here comes Rusev on crutches
because, oh yeah, Lana’s still out there on the ramp in case you care.
Lana takes a weird fall off the ramp and does something to her ankle.
Kane grabs Ziggler on the distraction and hits a Chokeslam to end this
bullshit at 9:46.
WINNER: Kane via Chokeslam
1/2 a *. A match that served no purpose and that ended because Ziggler
was concerned about his new g/f with whom he has no chemistry
Post-match, trainers and Ziggler tend to Lana as Cole acts like Lana took a dive off the Titantron.
Meanwhile, Ambrose is still on Bourbon Street, touring New Orleans.
J&J are talking backstage. Noble and Mercury agree that Rollins is getting cocky.
NEXT: MizTV starring Ryback and Big Show.
A bunch of people resembling models and bodybuilders are the Top 40 Tough Enough finalists.
Backstage, trainers tend to Lana backstage.
is in the ring, dressed like a Muslim woman and welcomes everyone to
MizTV. He recaps last week when Big Show clocked him and robbed him of
an IC Title shot. Ryback hits the ring and says that HE was robbed of a
chance to beat up Miz. Miz does his “how dare you” spot. Ryback
interrupts him and says that he thinks he’s big but Damien Sandow
outclassed him the entire time they were together. Ryback says that, had
they wrestled, Ryback would have taken years off Miz’s career. Miz
calls him “ugly” and says there’s only one pretty face and it’s Miz.
They argue over crowd chants until Big Show shows up. The crowd chants
that the chair Show’s sitting in is gonna break. Show tells them that
the chair won’t break. He talks up his own strength and says he can
break whatever he wants and can take whatever he wants. Ryback says that
he has no issue with fighting Show. He’s not afraid of him…unlike
Miz. Ryback stands and so does Show. Miz tries to get them to fight.
Show tells him to shut up or else he’ll shut Miz’s mouth. Miz attacks
Show. Show nails him, then tosses Ryback into his chair. He clotheslines
Miz out of the ring. Ryback comes to and hits Shell Shock on Show to
end the segment. Crowd liked that.
MATCH #5: Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito) vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan
announcers talk about Rowan and Harper as if they’re the most awesome
tag team in the entire universe even though we’ve seen them twice on RAW
in the last month or so. Harper and Rowan beat up on one of the
matadors. Harper hits a huge boot to the face and it’s Rowan’s turn.
Rowan hits a Warrior Splash for two. Torito gets up on the mat to cheer
his team but Rowan knocks him off. Diego goes to take care of Torito as
Harper and Rowan hit 3D to win it at 2:18.
WINNERS: Harper & Rowan
RATING: n/a – squash
chants “3D” as Harper grabs a mic and says that the time for everyone
to pay for their sins is coming. Rowan says it’s ok to be afraid.
Everyone should be.
Kane laughs at Ambrose’s Instagram and mocks Rollins. Rollins isn’t
happy. Kane says that Rollins is in a no-win situation. If Rollins wins
on Sunday, Kane’s gonna come down the aisle with the MITB case. Rollins
says he’s gonna teach J&J a lesson — then Ambrose — then Kane.
Kane says that he’s interested to see if that will happen…because he’s
gonna be in J&J’s corner tonight.
WWE congratulates itself for having more followers than ESPN, HBO — and GATORADE!!! SUCK IT, HYDRATION!!!
Ambrose is on his way to the arena. He has a ticket to tonight’s show.
Cole plugs “Ted 2” and we get a fucking trailer.
MATCH #6: Big E (w/ Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods) vs. Titus O’Neil (w/ Darren Young)
shit, this crowd is asleep. E puts Titus to the mat, then punches at
him. He kicks Titus, then claps in his face. More punching and an
Abdominal Stretch. Another kick to Titus’s ribs and more clapping. Titus
finally fights back, then punches at E in the corner. He slaps E’s
chest, then just throws E across the ring and hits shoulderblocks. Titus
puts E in the corner and more punches. Titus hits a huge shoulderblock.
Woods starts shoving Young outside. Titus grabs Woods by his hair. Kofi
hits the mat. E grabs Titus and hits the Big Ending on the distraction
to end it at 3:10.
WINNER: Big E via Big Ending
RATING: 1/4 of a *. Not even a match and makes the challengers look horrible heading into MITB.
The New Day celebrates as Roman Reigns’ music hits. He heads to the ring. He takes on Kofi after break.
MATCH #7: Kofi Kingston (w/ Big E & Xavier Woods) vs. Roman Reigns
hits a headlock. Reigns escapes and hits a shoulder tackle. More hot
headlock action but Reigns escapes again and flips Kofi to the mat and
outside. Kofi, Woods and E huddle. They surround the ring and Reigns
just stands there and falls for it like a giant dope. Kofi attacks and
puts Reigns in the corner, hitting shoulder rams while Woods rants. Kofi
runs at Reigns who grabs him for a Samoan Drop. Kofi kicks out but
Reigns hits a HUGE clothesline and then sends Kofi out of the ring.
Reigns follows him and tosses Kofi’s head into the announce table.
Reigns hits the Sitting Dropkick and gets back into the ring. He goes
for a Suicide Dive at the entire New Day but they move out of the way.
Reigns runs at them from another angle and ends up nailing Woods. Kofi
hits a missile dropkick from inside the ring. When we come back, Kofi
hits a dropkick to Reigns, then kicks him in the back, getting two.
Reigns escapes a headlock but Kofi trips Reigns, knocking him to the
mat. Kofi goes top rope with a nice Double Axehandle for two. Reigns
gets to his feet and hits clotheslines, then puts Kofi in a corner. He
rushes and splashes Kofi. Reigns hits a Gut Wrench Slam for two. Kofi
kicks at Reigns and tries the SOS but Reigns counters with a Sitting
Powerbomb for two. Reigns goes for a Superman Punch. E interferes but
Reigns sends him off the mat. Woods attacks but backs off. Kofi tries a
roll-up with a handful of tights but Reigns kicks out. Kofi goes top
tope but Reigns counters with a Superman Punch on the way down to win
the match at 12:07.
WINNER: Roman Reigns via Superman Punch
**. Kofi really carried this match with pure physicality and Woods with
his verbal shenanigans and trolling. Other than that, this match was
so-so with Reigns suddenly popping up and winning.
Reigns grabs a chair at ringside and waits…Dean Ambrose arrives to
take a seat at ringside. Reigns hands him the chair so he can sit down.
H and Steph watch this backstage. Rollins approaches them. Steph asks
if Rollins needs something. Rollins says nothing even though he wants
to. He walks off for his match.
When we come back for break, it’s the Handicap Match and we’re two minutes into the overrun. Lovely.
MATCH #8: Seth Rollins vs. J&J Security (Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) (w/ Kane)
and Rollins start. Rollins puts Mercury in a wristlock but Mercury
reverses it. Rollins counters that and Noble tags in. Ambrose barks at
Rollins. Already, this has gone on too long. Noble eats a shoulderblock
and Rollins tosses him and Mercury out of the ring as the crowd maps the
quickest way out of the building. J&J surround the ring with Kane
on the other side. J&J swarm Rollins and clothesline him out of the
ring as the crowd kinda wakes up. Rollins ends up next to Ambrose who
dumps popcorn on Rollins’ head. Rollins gets back into the ring and runs
into a Mercury dropkick and an armbar. Rollins counters with a
short-arm clothesline, then knocks Noble off the mat. Rollins tosses
Mercury into the crowd barrier outside, then stomps a mudhole in
Mercury. He tosses Mercury into the barrier in front of Ambrose, who
gives not one shit. He drinks soda and laughs at Rollins. Rollins is
furious and rolls Mercury back into the ring.
splashes Mercury, then taunts Noble. He stomps at the hands of Mercury
as part of the crowd half-heartedly chants for Joey Mercury by default.
Rollins locks Mercury in a chinlock as Ambrose pounds the barrier in
front of him to fire up J&J. Rollins misses a top rope attack, then a
corner splash and Mercury makes a hot tag to Noble. Noble hits a lariat
and then just crashes into Rollins. He hits a Swinging Neckbreaker and
NEARLY gets a fall. Noble goes top rope but Rollins knocks him off.
Rollins tries a suplex but Mercury grabs Rollins’ leg. Noble falls on
him for a two count. Chaos on the ring with a ton of counters before
Rollins puts Mercury to the mat. He goes for a Buckle Bomb, tossing
Mercury into Noble. Rollins slaps at Noble’s face and goes for a
Pedigree but Ambrose pops out of his seat, then tosses the title at
Rollins. Rollins grabs it. Mercury rolls Rollins up to win it at 9:00.
WINNERS: J&J Security
**. This was your basic overbooking nonsense with the underdog heroes
getting the unlikely win. Of course, that means Rollins is gonna close
this sucker at MITB.
Rollins hoists the belt, bragging in Kane’s face — but Ambrose attacks
him and hits Dirty Deeds, taking the title away from Rollins once
again. Ambrose grabs a ladder and climbs it, holding the title up while
**. Ok RAW. I didn’t expect much but I figured there was going to be
more to this than what I just saw. The whole Lone Wolf Rollins angle is
pointless as hell — especially when we all know it isn’t going
anywhere. Money in the Bank is not something I’m looking forward to.
Bayless is on the same line of thought. There’s nobody there I’d like to
see pull down the case and the status quo is going to continue with
Rollins keeping the title, even though he jobs as much as Barrett does.
I’ve actually really enjoyed Ambrose having the Championship. It’s
really too bad they didn’t convince much of anyone that Ambrose should
stay the “champion”. Even if it’s not Ambrose, the whole “Authority
controls who’s champion” angle needs to die soon. It weighs down
And, of course…the Best of Monday Night Open Mic:
Regarding Neville and the “Man That Gravity Forgot” thing: