I have this thing where I'm watching PPV's from the era when I largely was ignoring pro wrestling at the time, and am on the all grown up mania as they called it. Have a couple questions.
1. What's the deal with the Kennedy guy. Wins money in the back and is built up as this big thing. Last I knew he was in TNA. Just fizzled out or some sort of political mumbojumbo.
2. This Khali guy sucks, but is big and big guys sucking has never stopped them before. Why waste him getting slammed by the likes of Kane? Again I get him sucking, but why not save that moment for someone else?
1. Wasn't really mumbo jumbo, he seriously injured Randy Orton and failed multiple drug tests, then got caught in the Signature Pharmacy bust. Vince liked the guy and he had a killer entrance, but there's only so many fuckups that he'll put up with and Kennedy was way over the limit.
2. The Kane-Khali match was actually the final permutation of a bizarre series of circumstances around that show, and in the earliest stages was supposed to be Hulk Hogan (as Donald Trump's avatar) slamming Big Show (as Vince McMahon's avatar) to win the Battle of the Billionaires and recreate the WM3 moment all in one fell swoop. The match of course went through a series of changes with first Big Show pulling out (which would have given us Hogan slamming Khali) and then Hogan pulling out (at which point the Billionaire match was split off from the bodyslam thing entirely) and then ended up as Kane slamming Khali to recreate WM3 instead. Honestly, it kinda sorta made sense at the time if you had been following along with the all wacky changes that the show went through and could put together the logic behind it.
Four-Way Tag Match: ***1/2
Andre Battle Royal: ***1/4
Intercontinental Ladder Match: ****1/4
Orton vs Rollins: ****
HHH vs Sting: **1/2
AJ&Paige vs Bellas: **1/2
Cena vs Rusev: ***1/2
Undertaker vs Bray: **3/4
Lesnar vs Reigns (vs Rollins): ****1/2
As can be seen, he believes this was a very entertaining four hours.
Lets get this started off with the National Anthem:
Officer Farva 30 Man Memorial Battle Royal: Bobby, Mick, Dr. Facts (BoD Japan Champion), “The Catalyst” Chad Bryant, Logan Scisco, David, Jonathan Meisner, Flyin’ Brian Gutan, “Pistol” Pete Labozetta, Rock Lobster, Koko B. Flair, Steve Ferrari, Brian Nielsen, Phrederic, Worst in the World, Andy PG, “Happening” Harry Broadhurst, Dean Andrews, Rockstar Gary, Average Joe Everyman, Beard Money, The Brazilian Psycho, White Goodman, Jose Gomez, Tommy Hall, TimeandtheRani, Nebb28, Garth Holmberg, Dock Muraco, Ripner Cabnit Talk about the who’s who of who cares. And the match begins as we see Flyin’ Brian Gutan……….fly right the fuck over the top rope courtesy of Steve Ferrari as Brian Gutan has been eliminated. Off camera it looks like both Brian Nielsen and Koko B. Flair have been eliminated. Dock Muraco, sporting his traditional “Wake Me Up When It Reaches ****1/2” T-Shirt is hitting all sorts of chops and lariats as he eliminates White Goodman. The Texas Trainwreck, Bobby, tosses both David and Jose Gomez. Pistol Pete Labozetta ducks a wild swing then eliminates Worst in the World with a dropkick. Bang, Bang!!!! But the celebration is short-lived as Tommy Hall, with a sweet Darius Miles throwback, eliminates Pete Labozetta. The Brazilian Psycho tosses Jonathan Meisner, TimeandtheRani, and Ripner Cabnit as he is looking to avenge his embarrassing loss at the hands of the GM. Steve Ferrari tosses Mick then brawls with Beard Money. Tommy Hall and Logan Scisco duke it out as Dock Muraco now joins in on the attack as we have a writers brawl. However, TBP, Ferrari, and Andy PG run over and eliminate Tommy Hall, Dock Muraco, and Logan Scisco. The Administration guys and the Riverdale Covenant guys are all brawling now as they take each other out as Rockstar Gary, Average Joe Everyman, Garth Holmberg, and Nebb28, have been eliminated. They are now brawling all over the ring. Dr. Facts, fresh off a tour of Japan, is beating on the pride of the U.K., Dean Andrews. He charges but gets backdropped over the top rope as Dr. Facts has been eliminated. Bobby slugs it out with Beard Money while TBP knocks Harry Broadhurst through the middle rope. Rock Lobster charges at Andy but gets backdropped as Rock Lobster has been eliminated. The Catalyst and Andrews are locking up as Ferrari eliminates Phrederic. Andrews is done as Ferrari and Andy collide. The Catalyst then knocks TBP into Beard Money as he is the last man standing. He smiles as the men slowly get up as you know what this means…………………………………..SNAPMARE PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He tries it on TBP but he BOTCHES THE MOVE!!!! That was a given. The crowd laughs as Bryant tells them to shut up but as that happens Beard Money picks him up and dumps him over the ropes as “The Catalyst” Chad Bryant has been eliminated. Dean Andrews gets hit by Ferrari, who then sends him over the top rope as Dean Andrews has been eliminated. Bobby then attacks Money from behind as Ferrari runs over as they both eliminate Beard Money then Ferrari tosses Bobby over the top rope as the Final Four are set: Steve Ferrari, Andy PG, The Brazilian Psycho, and “Happening” Harry Broadhurst. Ferrari goes after Andy as he sends him into the post shoulder first, showing an aggressive streak. Broadhurst skins the cat after a backdrop from TBP then scurries back inside. Ferrari chokes out Andy in the corner as his aggressive streak comes out. TBP pulls him off Andy but gets decked. Ferrari then goes after TBP but ends up getting backdropped over the top rope as Steve Ferrari has been eliminated. Ferrari is livid then he yells at TBP, allowing Harry to hit him from behind as Ferrari pulled down the ropes as The Brazilian Psycho has been eliminated. Andy gets up slowly after a vicious attack then Harry runs over and dumps him as Andy PG has been eliminated, meaning “Happening” Harry Broadhurst is your Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal Winner. Harry now has the mic:
“Harry Fact #45, Nikki Bella is the hotter of the Bella Twins, Harry Fact #46, Kentucky will win the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, but most important of all is Harry Fact #1 and that fact is………………HARRY NEVER DOES THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Let’s check in to see what is happening in the GM’s office:
GM Bayless is sitting in the back with Justice Gray pouring him coffee.
Bayless: “Seems to be going well so far, right Justice?”
Gray: “Absolutely, boss! Heck, you don’t even look nervous at all.”
Bayless: “Why would I be nervous? Bill Ray is ready. We end Riverdale tonight, and move on. What could I have to be nervous about?”
Gray: “Just with the stakes being so high, you normally like to have a Plan B, you know?”
Bayless is silent for a moment.
Bayless: “Gray, have you seen Baker?”
Gray: “Last I saw him, he found a dog turd outside the arena that he’s convinced looks like Brock Lesnar, so he has it blocked off and is attempting to start some sort of voodoo ritual to give Lesnar severe blockage up the ass, his theory being that a lazy fuckwad that sits around as much as Lesnar does, he might not even notice. Why?”
Bayless: “Get him for me.”
BoD Six Man Titles The Job Mob vs Adam Curry & Cabspaintedyellow & Kyle Warne
The Job Mob enters first to “Insane in the Brain” by Cypress Hill. They’ve clearly ingested some, shall we say, substances….oh, screw it. They’re high as fucking kites on a combination of coke, sudafed, and some kind of Asian horse piss. Zanatude is holding all the belts as they await the challengers. And here they come, to the sounds of “Jump Around” by House of Pain – the whole crowd is jumping! They’re ready to see new champions! Looks like Murph and Kyle are going to start us off. Chatrock and Zanatude smoke up on the apron as they circle, Murph stumbles a little but is able to lock up. They back up into the ropes, a clean break? Oh, it’s because Murph needs a little ‘puff, puff, pass’ off the freshly lit joint. He inhales, but the exhaling is done for him because Warne attacks! Rights and lefts, he shoots Murph off the ropes – spinning heel kick! Drags him over to the corner and tags in Adam Curry, who’s chomping at the bit. Curry stomps Murph in the corner, picks him up, off the ropes, clothesline! Picks him up – belly to back suplex! 1,2, no! Murph is able to scurry back to his corner and tags in Chatrock. Chatrock enters slowly, whether because he’s cautious or inebriated, and it’s a kick to the gut of Curry! He goes for the swinging neckbreaker, but Curry flips out of it and hits a superkick! Curry tags in cabspaintedyellow, and he’s in with a quick elbowdrop! A second! A third! BIIGGG 4th elbow drop! 1,2, Zanatude saves the titles! The Job Mob has mounted zero offense up to this point. Cabspaintedyellow sets Curry up in the corner – tornado DDT! They’re having some fun out there! And Murph and Zanatude are in the ring, the ref is trying to send them out – Curry with a cheapshot on cabs! Curry stumbles back to his corner, and here’s Zanatude. He slaps at cabspaintedyellow’s head, and picks him up. Irish whip to the other turnbuckle. Charge by Zanatude – avalanche! 1,2, no! Curry and Warne look concerned, but they’re cheering cabspaintedyellow on. Zanatude with a picture-perfect DDT. He says that’s it – 1,2, no! He pounds the mat in frustration, and tags in Murph. Murph off the ropes, senton…misses! Cabspaintedyellow is crawling for the tag – Murph grabs his leg! Pulls him back to the center of the ring and grapevines the leg as cabs tries to get free. Now he’s got cabs back in the Job Mob corner, and the tag to Chatrock, who’s in with the boots and the badmouth. “Call us motherfuckers, huh?” He’s getting cabs to his feet – abdominal stretch! The referee’s out of position, and there’s Zanatude with the helping hand! The ref checks, and now it’s Murph on the other side grabbing him for leverage! Warne and Curry are in the ring, the ref gets them back to their corner, and now Zanatude and Chatrock switch off behind the ref’s back. The ref looks confused, but he goes back to checking for the submission. Zanatude gets a grin on his face and throws cabs to the ground – he’s going to the top rope! What’s he trying for….it’s a SHOOTING STAR PRESS! Cabspaintedyellow moves out of the way! 0.7 LESNAR STAR PRESS AS ZANATUDE IS DOWN! He reaches for the tag as cabspaintedyellow crawls to his corner – Zanatude tags in Murph! AND CABS TAGS IN KYLE WARNE! WARNE IS A HOUSE AFIRE! Upstairs, downstairs, he backs Murph into the corner, whips him to the other turnbuckle, corner dropkick! Murph slumps in the corner and Warne hits a delayed corner dropkick this time! Set up – Blue Thunder BOMB! That’ll do it! 1,2, Chatrock breaks up the count! And now Curry is in the ring! Here comes Cabs and Zanatude, and it’s breaking loose in Tulsa! Curry and Chatrock tumble outside and are battling while the ref tries to restore order, he gets cabs back into his own corner, but what does Zanatude have – BONG SHOT TO THE HEAD OF KYLE WARNE! He puts Murph on top, and referee turns around – pinfall is academic. 1,2,3, and the Job Mob escapes with their titles again! Chatrock is out on the floor, and Adam Curry just saw what happened! Curry launches himself at Murph! Zanatude grabs the belts as Murph and Curry are hooking it up battling all the way back to the dressing room!
Bill Ray vs. Robert Davis (If Davis loses the Riverdale Covenant must join the Administration, if Bill Ray loses, the Administration must disband and Bayless loses his GM job)
The dulcet tones of Tom Waits’ “The Piano has been drinking (Not me)” start up as Bill Ray makes his entrance….midway it switches to “Whiskey in the Jar” as Bill Ray takes a shot with Rockstar Gary before getting in the ring, baseball bat in hand. GM Bayless hops up on the apron and starts whispering furiously to Bill Ray, who nods and smiles. What nefarious shenanigans does Bayless have planned? “WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO RIVERDALE!” is heard over the loudspeakers before switching over to The Archies’ classic “Sugar, Sugar” as Robert Davis leads the Riverdale Covenant to the ring. Robert is twirling Jughead and pointing it at Bayless the whole time as the Administration bails from the ring while the Covenant takes it, posing on the turnbuckles. Davis hasn’t taken his eyes off Bayless, who is standing behind Bill Ray and shouting threats. Davis smiles and takes off his Letterman’s jacket, ready to do battle. Bill Ray starts to climb the stairs to the ring, but Bayless stops him. He’s got the STICK~! “Whoa, whoa, whoa. First off, this match is going to be a fair contest, so first things first – you two need to put away your weapons! Bill, I’ll take that bat, and Davis, you give that….thing to one of your followers. Alright, now then – because I am so confident in my man Bill Ray here, and to be fair, I’m ordering both The Administration and the Riverdale Covenant to go to the back! Neither faction is allowed at ringside! I, of course, will stay here to ensure that the rules that I set down will be followed.” The Covenant is PISSED, but Robert Davis tells them to get to the back, saying “I’ve got this.” And the bell rings! We’re underway! GM Bayless looks remarkably calm, considering his job is on the line as the two wrestlers circle each other. Davis stops for a moment. “Bill, don’t make me do this. Give me Bayless and you can join us or walk away unharmed. Don’t make me do this. Not for HIM.” Bill Ray stops, looking confused, but he shakes his head and they lock up! Collar and elbow, Bill Ray with the headlock, Davis shoots him off the ropes, shoulderblock by Davis! Ray back to his feet, Davis off the ropes, clothesline! Davis gets Ray back to his feet and uses rights and lefts to back Ray into the corner, cross-corner whip, blind charge hits the turnbuckle as Ray moved out of the way! Side-Russian legsweep by Ray! 1,2, no! Ray with the chinlock, knees to the back. Davis back to his feet, fires elbows to the midsection of Ray, shoots him off the ropes, BIIIIIGGGG back body drop by Davis and he’s back in control. Davis with a standing side headlock, Ray tries to shoot him off, but Davis takes him over and retains the headlock. He works it for a few minutes, but Ray escapes with the leg scissors and both wrestlers get back to their feet. Ray is first with a kick to the gut, a second kick, and suplex. 1,2, no! Ray drops the elbow, drops it again, Ray to the second rope, comes off, Davis with a shot to the gut! Ray goes down and Bayless looks a little concerned….because Davis just saw him! He hops out of the ring and starts to stalk Bayless, Bayless backs up while yelling “Come and get me, GOSH!” and here’s Ray from behind! He sends Davis into the ring post! Bayless laughs and cheers on Bill Ray, as he rolls Davis back into the ring. Setting up for it…..Garvin stomp by Bill Ray! 1, no! Not even a two count, ’cause fuck that move. Bill Ray comes off the ropes and drops a leg. Sets up Davis on the top rope – top rope RANA! 1,2, no! Bill Ray looks frustrated, but shakes it off. He grabs Davis and sets up for the sharpshooter, but Davis with the small package. 1,2, no! Bill Ray throws a knee to Davis’ back, and hooks the chinlock. Bayless is celebrating on the outside, ready to call for the bell…..but Davis fights out! Davis throwing elbows at Bill Ray’s midsection, shoots him off….Black Hole Slam by Davis! Both wrestlers are down, but Davis is crawling over for the cover. 1,2, Ray gets the shoulder out. Davis picks Ray up. “WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR HIM!!” he screams at Bill Ray, and comes off the ropes with a huge lariat! 1,2, no! Davis slams the mat in frustration!Davis heads to the top rope, looking for the 450! Bill Ray MOVES! Both wrestlers are down and Bayless is going crazy on the outside! He signals to the back – here comes the Administration! And the Riverdale Covenant is right behind them! Both wrestlers are still down and the two factions are fighting in the aisle! Bayless is screaming “WHERE ARE YOU, BAKER?!?” All of a sudden the tron comes to life – it’s the bloodied and lifeless body of Jesse Baker! He’s been laid out in the back, a Brock Lesnar shirt laid over his body like the flag at a military funeral! The camera pans up to the wall – it’s Baker’s blood! And it spells….STACKHOUSE LIVES! Bayless gulps and looks around wildly, and the LIGHTS GO OUT! The lights come back up…..IT’S ARCHIE STACKHOUSE!! He’s right behind Bayless, shirt covered in blood! Bayless turns around as Stackhouse grins. Bayless makes a run for it as Archie gives chase. Meanwhile, both Bill Ray and Robert Davis are getting to their feet. It’s bedlam! Davis and Ray slug it out, and Ray seems to get the better of him! Meanwhile, Archie is still chasing Bayless – Bayless goes through the ring and runs into Bill Ray setting up for the brainbuster! He takes out his own man and both are down. Davis looks over to Archie, who nods – Davis picks up Bill Ray – Spinning Doctor Bomb! 1,2,3! IT’S ALL OVER!! Bayless has lost everything! The Administration is down, and Covenant has surrounded Bayless in the ring, who’s just coming to. He looks around, fully realizing what has happened. Archie has the mic. “Robert Davis.” Davis looks over at him. “He’s all yours.” Archie hands Jughead to Davis, who beams and LEVELS the former GM! Again! Bayless is unconscious and bleeding like a stuck pig! Archie nods to Davis, who picks Bayless up, slings him over his shoulders, and walks to the back. Archie turns his attention to Bill Ray. “Bill Ray. You fought valiantly. You should be proud.” He holds out the jacket. “Join us.” Bill Ray looks at Archie for a long moment, and SNATCHES the mic out of Archie’s hands. “No.” The Covenant begins to close in, but Archie raises his hands to stop them. Bill Ray continues: “You can kick my ass if you want, Stackhouse, but I’m done following people. From now on, Bill Ray walks his own road.” He throws the mic down and looks ready to fight. Archie considers him for a long moment, then he nods to Nebb, who produces Bill Ray’s baseball bat. He hands it to Bill Ray like an unsheathed sword, and gestures; the Covenant immediately obeys and clears a path like the parting of the Red Sea. Bill Ray looks around warily, and finally takes the bat and walks off under his own power, finally on his own road to the top.
BoD Writer’s Championship Stranger in the Alps vs. “Marvelous” Matt Perri (Champion) w/ Miss Danielle
The trail of mist flies through the arena and when it passes, the Stranger appears!!!!!! Perri is scared shitless as the Stranger is back!!!!!! Perri tries to plead with Stranger as Danielle plans a sneak attack with her heel but Stranger sees that from the corner of his eye. He goes over to stop as Perri charges but Stranger move as Miss Danielle goes flying off of the apron. Perri looks on in worry as he then turns around as Stranger was waiting for him. Stranger doesnt buy Perri’s sincerity and boots him in the gut. He whips Perri against the ropes and catches him with a Samoan Drop. Stranger signals to the old ladies in the front as they know what time it is as Stranger hits the Can Opener for the win!!!! Stranger has reclaimed the BoD Writer’s Championship! And look at the old ladies go crazy:
Money on the Table Match
The Fuj vs. GM Bayless vs. Hoss vs. kbjone vs. John Petuka vs. Joe Dust
Instead of having the briefcase hanging from the ceiling, there’s a table hanging from the ceiling, with the briefcase sitting on the table.
Entrance music: The Fuj – “No Surrender” by Bruce Springsteen
Kbjone and Petuka – “Werewolves of London” By Warren Zevon
Joe Dust – “Pinball Wizard” by The Who
GM Bayless – “I fought the Law” by Green Day
AND….Hoss – “Ice Cream For Crow” – Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band
Ladders are surrounding the ring as Hoss makes his entrance, with the other competitors already in the ring. Bayless has already been screaming at the other competitors, telling them to stay out of his way, but even he falls silent as Biff Kensington is leading this giant ice cream craving behmoth to the ring. Hoss steps over the top rope and roars “HOSS WANT ICE CREAM!!” The other five competitors look at each other and shrug, and it’s a FIVE ON ONE BEATDOWN! Hoss tries to fight it off, but the numbers game is too much and Hoss is sent to the floor! And here we go! It’s Petuka and kbjone double-teaming Joedust in one corner, while the Fuj and Bayless are brawling in the other. Petuka and Joedust tumble to the floor, and kbjone launches himself at Bayless and The Fuj in the other corner. Biff is trying to revive Hoss on the outside – meanwhile, Petuka sends Joedust to the post and it looks like Petuka’s going for the first ladder of the match! Bayless and kbjone are double-teaming Fuj in the corner, Demolition Decapitation! And Bayless with the cheap shot on kbjone! DDT by Bayless! Petuka’s back in the ring with the ladder and hits Bayless with a ladder shot! Petuka sets up the ladder, but the HOSS IS BACK! He’s in the ring and flings Petuka off the ladder! Petuka begs off as the ladder tips over, but there’s no mercy from the Hoss – chokeslam! Petuka rolls to the outside as Fuj is on the top rope – CAUGHT as he comes down! Sitout powerbomb! Hoss gets up, turns around….into a Joedust missile dropkick! Joedust is on fire! Kicks to a kneeling Hoss – shining wizard! Joedust looks up at the table, sets up the ladder, begins to climb….here’s Bayless on the other side. They’re both at the top of the ladder, exchanging rights and lefts! Bayless falls, bounces off the ropes and pushes the ladder over along with Joedust over the top rope! HOLY SHIT! Bayless looks up and gets the ladder in position, but here comes Petuka….PETUKA BAZOOKA! Bayless is OUT! But stirring in the corner is kbjone, and the Upper Midcard Express is face to face in the ring! Petuka sticks out his hand, but kbjone is having none of it. They eye each other, then it’s Petuka with the first shot! It’s ON! They’re fighting like dogs…and kbjone gets behind for the german suplex! And here’s Fuj! Scorpion Deathdrop! He tosses both outside the ring! There’s no one left! Fuj is gonna do it! He’s climbing the ladder….and Biff’s in the ring! He starts shaking the ladder back and forth, but Fuj won’t be stopped! He’s near the top rung….but here’s Joedust! Joedust with the pele kick to Biff! He races up the other side! He and Fuj are at the top trying to get on the table to get the briefcase, and Petuka shoves the ladder out from underneath them! They’re hanging onto the table as Petuka tries to pull them down. He gets Joedust down and clotheslines him outside the ring, but Fuj is hanging on with a vice-like grip! From behind, it’s Bayless! And he’s got a chair! Chairshot to Petuka! Chairshot to Fuj! Fuj drops but he wants to fight – SICK UNPROTECTED CHAIRSHOT TO THE HEAD! Fuj is busted wide open! The GM smiles and gets the ladder. He showboats his way up the ladder, posing the whole way….until a hand grabs him! THE HOSS IS ALIVE, AND HE IS ANGRY!! LACK OF ICE CREAM ANGRY!! Bayless looks down and sighs, trying to kick Hoss away, but Hoss yanks him off the ladder! Bayless is begging for mercy – he’s offering a lifetime supply of Baskin-Robbins! Hoss is considering his offer – NOPE! HUGE PANTS-SHITTER TO THE GM! And now there’s no one left, as Hoss ascends the ladder and climbs up to the table and grabs the Money on the Table! Hoss is your Money on the Table winner, and the champion better watch himself!
Let’s check out the C-List Posse in the front row:
BoD C-List Title Match Biscuit vs. DBSM (Champion)
It took many years for the Midwestern Mauler to get to the big stage but here he is as Biscuit as made it to BoD Mania. The C-List posse takes a seat at ringside as the match is underway. They lockup as DBSM ducks underneath the ropes then heads outside to consult with his posse. He is back yet keeps on using stalling tactics as the crowd boos. The C-List posse tells the crowd to quiet down as they are on their phones, presumably getting the details on that Tina Yothers after party tonight. DBSM returns and works a hammerlock that gets reversed. Biscuit uses a fireman’s carry as he grounds the champ. DBSM reaches the ropes but Biscuit pulls him out to the middle of the ring and hammers away. Biscuit ducks a haymaker and hits a back suplex as the C-List Posse look worried at ringside. DBSM ducks out but Biscuit follows him and starts hammering away. Biscuit rolls DBSM back inside and covers but only gets two. DBSM misses another wild swing as the Biscuit takes him down with the Drop Toe Hold. Biscuit goes for an Irish whip but that gets reversed. Biscuit gets his knees up on a charging DBSM then tries a suplex but that gets blocked then DBSM rakes the eyes to get the advantage. DBSM targets the back and applies a surfboard as the crowd rallies behind Biscuit. DBSM hits a backbreaker then heads up to the second rope as the C-List Posse waves their rally towels in support. DBSM goes for the elbow drop but Biscuit rolls away as both men are down. DBSM gets up first but Biscuit hammers away. Biscuit whips DBSM in the corner and follows with a high knee. Biscuit then busts out a La Magistral for a nearfall. Biscuit hits a suplex for two. Gutbuster gets two. Biscuit pumps up as the Regal might have some gold in the passenger seat tonight. Biscuit sets up for the Stump Puller and he gets the hold!!!!!!!!! The C-List Posse are beside themselves but wait a minute, three guys with paper bags on their heads who are wearing bowling shirts run into the ring and start attacking Biscuit as the ref rings the bell for the DQ. The three men continue their assault as Harvey Grant and Steve Decker pull DBSM to safety. The guys toss Biscuit to the floor then they take the bags off of their heads to reveal……………White Thunder, WWF 1987, and Mikey Mike!!!!!!! They are not happy as Mike grabs the mic:
“Its a damn travesty that us three were not booked for BoD Mania. You have Minnesota trash (points at Biscuit) as well as the other jabronis on the card but not us? And you know why? Its the anti-Cleveland bias that permeates the BoD. So, for now on, anyone here will have to run through us, Camp Cleveland”
Backstage, GM Bayless is in his office, presumably for the last time. Justice Gray then approaches him. He tells Bayless that the “Big Man from Saskatoon” will announce his replacement next week on BoD RAW. Bayless slams his fist on his deck after Gray whispers in his ear about the rumors of the next GM. “He is fucking terrible” the soon to be former GM shouts.
BoD Tag Team Title Match Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensington III vs. Midcard Mafia (Champions)
The HUSS Section is louder than ever tonight! The Berzerker tries to go see them but BKIII and Curtis Williams bring him near the ring but the Midcard Mafia fly out and hit them with planchas as the match begins. They brawl at ringside as the crowd gets into the match. Back inside, the MCM take turns working the arm of Williams. Lots of quick tags from the MCM as they bust out a few cool double team moves such as a Razor’s Edge/Neckbreaker combo. The Berzerker breaks up that pin attempt as the HUSS Section erupts. BKIII, with his skull cane, tries to whack Piers behind the referee’s back but Ferrari chases him away. Williams lands an elbow smash then yanks Piers down by the hair as Curtzerker is in control of the match. The Berzerker lands his HUSS stomps in the corner as the crowd counts along by saying HUSS. Magoonie and Ferrari rally behind their partner as he is getting destroyed. Williams tags and hits a running powerslam but Magoonie breaks up that pin attempt and as the ref orders him back on the apron, BKIII chokes out Piers with his cane until Ferrari chases him away. The Berzerker tags as Piers is in the corner and hits him with the HUSS RUSH. HUSS!!!!!!!! Williams is back in and heads up top for a splash but Piers rolls away as both men are down. Piers crawls over to the corner as the crowd is behind him and makes the tag!!! Magoonie slingshots in and starts hammering away on Curtzerker. He is clearing house as the match breaks down. Piers gets to his feet and climbs up top after getting tagged by Magoonie and sends Williams to the floor with a missile dropkick. BKIII then yanks Magoonie off of the apron and prepares to hit him with his cane but Ferrari runs over and takes it away. He motions to hit BKIII then smiles as he turns around and whacks Piers in the face with the cane!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. BKIII now smiles as Ferrari stomps Magoonie as The Berzerker hits Piers with the HUSS RUSH then finishes him off with the HUSSOCALYPSE as Curtzerker are the new BoD Tag Team Champions!!!! The HUSS Section is going mental right now as BKIII and Curtzerker are celebrating in the ring. Ferrari walks in and also now begins to celebrate with the group as his former teammates are lying on the mat. BKIII grabs the mic:
“I told you that Curtzerker would be the next Tag Team Champions of the BoD. You see, BoD Mania II marks the day the Kensington Enterprises Destiny Begins. And this is just the first step as tonight, Hoss will become the BoD Money on the Table Winner and become the BoD Heavyweight Champion. But first, let me welcome you to the newest addition to Kensington Enterprises, Steve Ferrari. (Ferrari waves at the crowd, who pelts him with garbage in return) But you know what, you dont deserve to hear him speak. And you can boo all you want and throw all of the trash that you have as tonight, Kensington Enterprises is taking over the BoD!!!!!!!!”
Yesterday, BoD camera crews caught up with Sir Tony Garea as he visited his dear brother Johnny in the hospital. Let’s see what took place:
(Sir Tony walks into the hospital room, with his trademark expressionless face. He sees his dear brother Johnny hooked up to machines and an IV. Sir Tony stares at his brother, not moving a muscle. He then reaches into his hand and pulls out a can of Anchor Cheese and places it on Johnny’s tray. The camera zooms in as it shows both Sir Tony & Johnny on the label, almost smiling as youngsters.)
BoD Solid B+ Player Match Championship Match Kaptain Kiwi vs. Hart Killer 09 (Champion)
LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!! Kaptain Kiwi is coming out on a horse! And we have 20 actors dressed up as Kiwifruit Trees coming down with him. Hart Killer looks none too impressed as he says “four out of ten” on the microphone. Kiwi is wearing an arm pad due to the injuries suffered at the hands of Hart Killer. The match starts with a staredown as Kiwi is using the Garea facial techniques. Hart Killer cannot counter that so he goes over and slaps Kiwi……………but it gets blocked!!!! Garea fires back as he has Hart Killer against the ropes. He keeps on hammering on Hart Killer until he is sent through the ropes. Kiwi follows him out and sends Hart Killer into the guardrail. Kiwi rolls Hart Killer back inside and prepares for the Garea Stretch!!!!!!!!!! However, Hart Killer rolls outside just in the nick of time. Kiwi heads back out but Hart Killer pulls him into the post. Hart Killer attacks the injured arm and tries to pull off the arm gear. Kiwi stops but Hart Killer boots him down. Hart Killer puts Kiwi’s injured arm on top of the steps and climbs up top but misses the stomp. Kiwi and Hart Killer fight outside until Hart Killer reverses an Irish whip that sends Kiwi into the guardrail. Hart Killer goes back inside and starts wrenching the arm back as Kiwi is in agony. Hart Killer is trying to ensure that Kiwi does not win the match, which will ruin Sir Tony Garea’s chance at raising the money to save his dear brother Johnny. Hart Killer locks on a Fujiwara Armbar as he screams “wipe away the your tears and call me the greatest!!!!” Kiwi struggles and reaches the ropes. Hart Killer kicks the arm as Kiwi clutches it in agony. Hart Killer now smiles as he drapes Kiwi’s arm over the apron. He grabs a chair and tries to hit it but Kiwi rolls away. Hart Killer comes back in and knees Kiwi in the face then heads up top. Hart Killer comes off with a clothesline but Kiwi rolls away. Both men are down as the crowd starts a moderate-sized clap for Kiwi. This is a man who had the worst year ever after suffering four consecutive losses he traveled to New Zealand to train in the previosuly unknown Garea Basement and came back to become the #1 Contender to the BoD Solid B+ Player Championship. Hart Killer gets up first but Kiwi punches away with his good arm. He then grabs a side headlock and jumps WAY up high for the side headlock takeover! He follows that with a hiptoss then a crossbody for one……………….two………………thre..nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! Hart Killer kicked out as the crowd is beside themselves. Kiwi heads up top and tries a crossbody but Hart Killer tosses the referee in the way as everyone is down. Hart Killer attacks Kiwi from behind then goes out underneath the ring and gets a pair of handcuffs! He attaches one end to the rope then tries to attach the other end to Kiwi but Biscuit runs out from the back and knocks Hart Killer down. Biscuit now rallies behind Kiwi as the crowd goes nuts. Hart Killer whacks Kiwi then rolls him back inside. The referee is now awake as Hart Killer whips Kiwi into the ropes but misses a clothesline then Kiwi catches him in the GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!! GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!! GAREA STRETCH!!!!!!!! Hart Killer tries but cannot escape and is forced to tap!!!!!! KAPTAIN KIWI DID IT!!!!!!! JOHNNY GAREA WILL LIVE!!!!!!!!! The ref raises the healthy hand of Kiwi as he is now the BoD Solid B+ Player Champion. Kiwi celebrates then near the entrance in the back corner a small spotlight shines and its…………………………………..SIR TONY GAREA!!!! He is on his high horse, dressed in his captain’s outfit. He has his expressionless facial expression and stares at his pupil, who has the same expression on his face. The rather inexpensive BoD Jumbrtron 100 then shows a can of Anchor Cheese that features Kaptain Kiwi’s face. ANCHOR CHEESE SIGNED THE SPONSORSHIP DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Backstage, we’re with Abeyance. Lets hear what he has to say.
“Right now, it all ends for you, Cultstatus. And I start turning heads once again here in the BOD and get my rightful title rematch. I AM the new ICON of the BOD, and you won’t forget it aftertonight. Remember, you wanted this street fight, so WELCOME TO THE BOD, BITCH!”
Abeyance vs Cultstatus
Abeyance’s music for his BOD Mania entrance is “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance, which….well, you can guess how it’s received. He walks out in darkness with a spotlight following him, STEEL chair in hand. He’s ready for this street fight!And now we hear the opening of “Bankrobber” by the Clash – here comes Cultstatus! He’s taking his time heading to the ring, slowly taping his fists as he walks, never taking his eyes off Abeyance, who’s dancing in the ring with the chair, daring Cult to get in. Cult with THE STICK~! “Abeyance. Abeyance. Look at me. Look at my eyes, look at my face. See me when I say this to you.” He points at Abeyance, who has stopped dancing and swallows as Cult finally smiles. “I’m going to hurt you now.”Cult rushes the ring and tackles Abeyance! The chair goes flying, the bell rings, and we are underway! Cult is on top of Abeyance and raining rights and lefts! Abeyance is trying to get out from under, but Cult is still wailing away! Finally, Abeyance shoves him off, Cult comes off the ropes and puts him right back down with a huge clothesline! “Cult, Cult, Cult” chants the crowd as he puts the boots to Abeyance, who hasn’t gotten anything going yet, to say the least. Cult picks him up in waistlock, German suplex! Cult is enjoying himself immensely, and Abeyance is down. Cult gets him back up, Abeyance can barely stand, Cult mocks him and kicks him in the gut…DDT! 1,2, no! Cult seems almost happy he didn’t get the pin there. Abeyance has had pretty much zero offense. Cult picks him back up and whips him into the corner. Avalanche by Cult! Abeyance staggers out of the corner into a Flatliner! 1, 2, no! Cult swats at his head as Abeyance gets to his knees throwing wild lefts and rights; Cult with VICIOUS knee to the face! Setting Abeyance up….piledriver! 1,2, Cult pulls him up! Cult heads outside to look for something…..oh, my! It’s the barbed-wire brass knucks! He tries them on for size, and it appears that, for lack of a better term, the glove does fit this time! Abeyance is stirring the ring, and he sees Cult trying on the hardware. Abeyance is out of the ring and sprinting for the back! Cult gives chase! Abeyance is reaching into his tights as he stumbles away. Near the entrance, Cult catches him and Abeyance whirls and PASTES Cult with the left hand….which has a chain wrapped around it! Cult is staggered, and Abeyance nails him again! Cult is still on his feet! Cult with a wild swing as he’s busted wide open and staggering, and Abeyance grabs a chair and takes a sick swing at Cult’s head! It connects and Cult FINALLY goes down! Abeyance poses with the chair to loud boos. He grabs a mic – “Hey, Cult – when does the hurting start?” And AGAIN he hits him with the chair! Cult starts to stir and begins to stagger back towards the ring, with Abeyance showboating his way back to the ring, chair still in hand! A THIRD chair shot to the back of Cult’s head puts him down right outside the ring, and Abeyance goes looking for plunder underneath the ring….it’s a table! And a second table! Abeyance grabs Cult and sends him into the post! Then into the steps! Abeyance hoists him up…Death Valley Driver on the floor! Turning his attention back to the tables, Abeyance sets one up, and he puts Cult on top of it. Abeyance to the top rope….splash through the table! Cult ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY! Abeyance went through and he’s down! Cult has begun to stir….he just felt the blood flowing down his forehead! He gets to his feet and his eyes go wide staring at Abeyance! This could get ugly, folks! Cultstatus goes back up the entrance way….he’s got the barbed-wire brass knucks! Abeyance is still down! Cult is taking his time, still tasting his own blood as he stalks Abeyance, who is starting to stir as Cult is now staring right at him….Abeyance turns around and Cult NAILS him between the eyes! We’ve got a double gusher! Abeyance is busted WIDE OPEN, and Cult isn’t finished! A second shot, a third shot! The blood is flowing from both wrestlers now! Cult looks around ringside and sees the 2nd table, and he begins to smile. He rolls Abeyance’s mostly lifeless body into the ring and sets up the table, then sets Abeyance on the top rope! Cult smiles and shouts right into Abeyance’s face “WELCOME TO THE BOD!!!” TOP ROPE BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX THROUGH THE TABLE!! Both wrestlers are down! This just in – Dock Muraco gives this match **** but is horrified by the violent content! Cultstatus WANTS that last star! He gets to his feet and looks down at Abeyance, whose blood is leaking on the mat – he signals for the powerbomb! Sets up for it….Abeyance with the BALLSHOT! Cult goes down like he’s been shot! Abeyance staggers to his feet and STOMPS on Cult’s nutsack! AGAIN! Oh my GOD, this might get out of hand. A THIRD NUT STOMP! The referee is powerless to stop these blatant cheapshots! Cult is doubled over in pain as Abeyance hits a rolling neckbreaker and kicks Cult in the nuts for a FOURTH time! This is getting uncomfortable as Abeyance is getting vicious on another man’s nutsack like he was at a party at Bryan Singer’s house! “I apologize, Cult – guess you did have some balls, didn’t you?” He picks Cult up to doubled-over position, grabs the leg, and hits the dragon-screw legwhip! More punishment to the groin! Again! A third dragon-screw! Inverted atomic drop! Again! Abeyance is pulling all the dirtiest tricks out of his book in this one, folks! He hangs Cult up in the corner….Shattered Dreams! Cult is barely moving, and Abeyance backs up and DOES IT AGAIN! Abeyance poses and rolls Cult over. 1,2, NO! MY GOD! Abeyance can’t believe it! He shakes his head and sets Cult up spread-eagled on the mat and goes to the top…..KNEE DROP TO THE GROIN! Finally, Abeyance goes for the pin. 1,2,3. Abeyance wins this one with severe testicular punishment. The mat is stained red with blood. Abeyance wins, but can he be proud of such a victory involving the taint….er, such a tainted victory? I don’t think we’ve heard the last of this one.
Tag Team Tug-O-War Challenge Best of Three Burt Macklin & Marv Cresto & Matt Indeed & Mar Solo & Dancin’ Devin Harris & Funk Doc 1112 vs. Paul Meekin & Caliber Winfield & Night & X-Man & THE YETAAAY & AAAARGH THE BARBARIAN
Mar Solo comes out double-fisting coffee as he highsteps and pumps his fist in the air, spilling coffee everywhere. The competitors are getting ready as Burt & Marv watch Hulu Plus through a smart phone while Caliber takes selfies near the ropes Matt Indeed takes off his windbreaker quickly. Here is the first round.
Mar Solo tracks down a barista and gets two more cups of coffee. Indeed tells him to put them down as Solo thinks he said “GIT DOWN” as does DDH and Funk Doc as everyone is GITTIN’ FUN-KAY until Solo throws his coffee in the air, almost burning his opponents. The whistle then blows as its just Burt, Marv, and Matt holding the rope for their team as they get pulled into the mud for the loss.
Solo has been instructed to not drink coffee now. Caliber is posting on Facebook about his crippling bout of discrimination brought on at Planet Fitness as they enforced basic gym etiquette on the Pacific Coast Pussy Magnet. Meekin then tells him to focus but turns around and ends up tripping, causing a domino effect. The whistle blows as the only one holding the rope for his team is THE YETAAAY as he is yanked into the mud. It’s tied 1-1.
Here it is as everyone is focused. The whistle blows as the teams are engaged in battle. Team The MeekBuff are now anchoring their side as they are tough pull. The MeekBuff side almost have this but they are now being pulled closer to the middle. MeekBuff now seems to have the advantage then the other team counts to three and drops the ropes, losing the match but causing the others to fall down. They then run over the middle and attack the team as we have a giant brawl taking place. Marv and Burt double-clothesline MeekBuff. Mar Solo highsteps all over the place pumping his fist in the air for no apparent reason. Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112 are duking it out with Night & X-Man as several officials and White Coat Security have to break up the melee.
Folks, we are proud to announce that timekeeper Mister E Mahn was won his 200th award, the “Eastern Albanian Right-Handed Timekeeper of the Year” Award. What an honor? Mister E Mahn stands and salutes the crowd but all of a sudden, PrimeTime Ten comes out clapping sarcastically with a pair of trophies that he stole from Mahn a few weeks ago. Here is what he has to say:
“Unlike Mister E Mahn, I am the real Pride of Canada. You see, I am Wayne Gretzky while he is just Luc Robitaille. He rides the coattails of my success. In fact, the children of Canada feel the same way as I have recorded an album with the kids titled “No More Poutine on the Smorgasbord.” It will sweep the Nation and after I am done promoting the album, I will take a timekeeper course and win more of these (pulls out trophies).”
And here is our musical guest. Who says the big stars don’t come to the BoD?
BoD World Title Match Jef Vinson vs. Jobber (Champion)
And this is the main event, folks. After a year of overcoming obstacles, Jef Vinson has his title match. Jobber laughs as they stare down but gets slapped hard across the face!!!! Jobber cant believe what happened then Vinson starts firing away. Jobber is taken by surprise as Vinson sends him into the corner and follows with a splash. Vinson climbs up top and hits a missile dropkick. Vinson then hits a catatonic for two. Jobber ducks outside but Vinson flies out with a tope. Jobber is down as Vinson punches away. Back in the ring, Vinson charges but gets caught with a big boot. Jobber now gets in some moves as he takes charge. He sends Vinson to the floor with a clothesline and goes after him. Vinson is getting his ass kicked out there as the Job Mob have been nowhere to be seen for this match. They are back inside as Jobber chokes out Vinson with his foot. Jobber places Vinson up top for a superplex and hits that for a two count. Jobber sends Vinson back to the floor and distracts the referee as the Job Mob come down to the ring, with Murph dragging a barrel. They stop halfway as Vinson gets up as Jobber pulls him back inside. Jobber grabs a chinlock, so he can wear down his opponent and work off that hangover for a minute. Jobber with a boot that sends Vinson to the floor as he distracts the ref again and this time Chartock & Zanatude attack Vinson. They roll him back inside as Jobber covers but only gets two. Vinson’s valet is worried as her man tries to get something going here. Jobber uses more restholds but this time its a Dragon Sleeper so it’s acceptable to Dock Muraco. Jobber sends Vinson in the corner but misses a big boot as Vinson comes back with a Dragon Screw. Murph drags the barrel closer to ringside as Vinson fights back. Jobber picks him up but Vinson floats over and hits a Lungblower. He covers but Jobber gets his foot on the ropes. Jobber is in trouble now as Vinson is hammering away. Powerslam gets two. Moonsault gets two. Vinson goes up top as Chartock grabs his leg. Vinson kicks him away but as Murph distracts the ref, Zanatude yanks him off as Vinson crashes through the floor. Jobber then runs into the ref from behind and sells it like he was whipped into him. The ref is down as Zanatude & Chartock drag Vinson to the barrel. Murph laughs as he sparks a blunt as Vinson is on the ground. Chartock grabs the barrel and dumps the contents, which is all empty beer cans, on top of Vinson. Oh come on, this is disgusting and Vinson lives a clean lifestyle. Murph then pulls out a can of PBR from his sweatshirt and opens it up. He takes a puff off of the blunt as Jobber pretends to be hurt so he can rest his hangover, sits in the ring. Zanatude & Chartock hold Vinson in place as they open up his mouth so Murph can fill it with beer but someone runs out from the crowd, because they stopped serving, but hold on…………..thats not a fan………………that is………………………….PARALLAX!!!!!! Curbstomp to Chartock. Curbstomp to Zanatude. Murph takes a swing and misses then Parallax sends him into the railing!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD, PARALLAX IS BACK!!!!!!!!!! Jobber is in disbelief as Vinson slowly gets up. In the ring, Jobber lands a few shots then tries for the Razor’s Edge but Vinson floats over and tries for the TKO but Jobber gets out of that. Jobber pushes Vinson into the referee but wait, Vinson stopped short. Jobber tries to get them to collide but Vinson takes the ref away as Jobber misses then Vinson hits the TKO!!!!!!!! He covers…………..one…………….two……………..three!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VINSON DID IT!!!!!!! VINSON IS THE CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!!! The Job Mob try to run in for a sneak attack but Parallax runs in and chases them off with a chair. We are outta time, folks.
Hey man love the BoD just a quick question/look at what the new dynamic is come main event time at Mania…..
Vince & Company dodged some major bullets with Brock inking a new deal as you have to believe this crowd was gonna SHIT ALL OVER this hot mess via Brock ~ Goldberg @ XX. It adds potential for all new directions now.
I'd like to see the double turn. It kinda feels like it's already happening & Reigns sure as hell needs it, and fast. I just saw an interview with the Rock, & in hopes of selling out 100K in Dallas next year, the E is angling for Brock v Rock. Super uber face Samoans Rock & Roman, which by default would make them heel Samoans, snatching the Gold from a hot Lesnar sets up nicely for Mania 32. Would be fresh I'd like to see this.
Rollins cashing in. If he cashes in on Reigns, Rollins is now automatically a monster face, & they can go that way with Reigns chasing & eventually winning.
Rolling cashing in on Brock with the help & approval of Reigns, & maybe even the new IC champion Ambrose. Reuniting The Shield, misdirection the entire time, as a means to take down the Beast. Working for the Authority? Probably not. Maybe Heyman's job was threatened & he orchestrated it? But not liking being pressured he reforms the entire Shield to combat HHH & to cover his ass from a vengeful Brock? Maybe Sting sets it up to get the Gold away from Trips?
Point being, they now have some more options with Brock staying put, which is so cool for fans. And one would think Vince & Trips have to be looking at all avenues since the Roman Empire plan seems to not be going where they wanted it to, in my opinion.
So I ask you, does the outcome change at all now that Brock is here to stay? What would you like to see happen?
And hey HOW AWESOME was your cameo in that Max Landis spoof on the H's? So cool man, Macho was right, the cream does rise!
Keep it coming, many thanks, & once again much like Russia & Iran, the BoD is #1
Wait, that was a quick question?
As dumb as they've been (which is pretty dumb), they HAVE to do a double turn now. I just don't see any other solution. I'd go all in and have Brock retain, then Roman goes crazy on him and the Shield reunites for the Rollins cash-in after a triple powerbomb. Wrestlemania ends with the Tri-Force Fistbump over the fallen Lesnar, who is now a super babyface and we reset things back to 2013 and try again not to fuck it up this time.
Hi, Scott. Do you think the babyfaces will win each of the four big singles matches at 'Mania, or will WWE throw at least one curveball? Looking at each match individually, I think Reigns, Cena, Sting and 'Taker will win, but it would also seem kind of odd for the potential biggest heel win on the show to be Rollins (a stip match with Orton at Extreme Rules makes sense, and Orton shouldn't have the Raw beatdown and win the first match). I suppose the faces winning but the show ending with Rollins successfully cashing in would provide some balance but don't think WWE would have Roman's first title reign end like Bryan's did at Summerslam.
No, they will not. I can definitely see Cena losing, though, and probably Sting as well. Taker's not coming back to do a job, though.
So…I’ve just re-subscribed to the network from my UK adress (having spent the previous 6 months residing in a hospital in Texas) and it seems that my first payment isn’t due until Apri 5th – about a week after Mania. Seems like a huge oversight on their part given the expected huge number of people who will sign up solely for Mania. There is nothing to stop someone signing up on the day, cancelling the following day and never paying WWE a penny.
S’up with that?
I’m just bummed that Sling TV actually found out my Canadian IP and banned my account. That shit was AWESOME.
Anyway, I was under the impression that your credit card is instantly debited by the $9.99 because you’re basically paying in advance, but perhaps they changed the system for the worse?
Hi, Scott. Are you surprised that none of the four (five, if you assume Rollins-Orton gets added) major singles matches at Wrestlemania currently have either a gimmick (e.g. no DQ for Cena-Rusev) or a stipulation (e.g. Rollins' briefcase is on the line)? All of them have a plausible argument for some sort of no DQ/extreme rules match, whether for story (Cena-Rusev and Orton-Rollins) or to provide some smoke and mirrors for a potentially poor match (the other three).
I know most recent Mania singles matches have just been wrestling matches, but could adding something to one or two of the matches give at least a little juice to the card, or is it simply too late with only two weeks to go?
I wish I could give you a less cynical answer to this question, but there's really only two factors behind it, I'm pretty sure:
1) They don't give a shit about actually booking the show in a way people care about.
2) They want to save all of the rematches for whatever show is after Wrestlemania (Extreme Rules again?) and thus do 8 million stip matches there.
Is Curtis Axel another case of WWE just missing the boat on a potential big star (upper mid carder) ala Zack Ryder. Why not pay off the Axelmania gimmick by making the Rusev/Cena Match a triple threat and having Axel steal the win. He'd draw a huge pop and could brag about being Cena and ending Rusev's winning streak for a year. Plus he's still Mr Perfect's son so there's always that as a background to make him a more serious wrestler. I'm not saying Axel for World Champ but the crowd reactions and the clock gimmick are great.
Man, how sad is it when people are so beaten down by the product that they're getting excited for CURTIS AXEL segments?
Let me explain here: Axel was initially a HHH project and he failed to get over working with the great HHH, so he's a lost cause and they gave up on him. End of story. Doesn't matter if you THINK he's getting over on this goofy organic Rumble storyline, he's not actually over because he no longer fits their vision of a top guy. You can only get over by being the person they want and having great hair, or working with HHH. That's just the rules, sorry.
A wrestling dog? Why not! Vince should sign him and put him over Brock at Wrestlemania. He's got skills, can talk, and has already been in a Hollywood motion picture! Better than Roman Reigns on every count.
With what happened last night do you think they are going to change the main event to Bryan lesnar with a Rollins reigns under card or is this just another chance to laugh at the fans rooting for Bryan? I assume the latter
I would be shocked if they changed their plans. I think it's just their attempt to somehow get whatever rub Bryan has to offer onto Reigns. My assumption would be that Ziggler screws Bryan over to set up their Wrestlemania match as well.
Since it had been the biggest story all year, why not have the match on your biggest show instead of doing it when they did?
You can either do Austin winning the belt at St Valentine's day massacre or you keep the mankind vs rock match with Rock winning thanks to a debuting Big show. This sets up Mankind vs Show at mania, Austin vs McMahon, and say Rock vs Taker.
Really though all that fantasy booking aside, what was the reason for not doing Austin vs Mcmahon at mania?
Because that would be a colossal waste of Steve Austin at Wrestlemania. No one buys Vince as having a chance against Austin without the deck being ridiculously stacked, and Rock acting as Vince's avatar was good enough to draw a giant buyrate anyway. Doing Vince v. Austin as a real match was fine for a throwaway show in February, but for the biggest of the year? No chance.
On the heels of the Austin podcast, youtube pointed to the Gimmick battle Royale….. Question is why on earth did the guys go for it? Hayes looks nuts and Corny keen as mustard too? what kinda payday you reckon the likes of Kamala Earthquake Tugboat got out of that? Funny but terrible
What kind of payday did they get out of the (at that time) most profitable PPV in history? A pretty damn big one. I'd dress up in Doink's old gear for a $10,000-or-so one night payoff too.
Finally, BoD Mania has arrived. This has had more delays than a government project but its up.
Before we enter the building, we see parking attendant Magoonie Teddy Belmont collecting the keys of the competitors. Champion hopeful Cultstatus tosses his keys on the ground and as Teddy picks them up, GM Brian Bayless throws them off of his back and laughs as he walks away. The BoD Battle Royal contestants get out of the shuttle bus and draw sticks over which one has to park it then fill it with gas after the show. Tough life for the BoD Midcard. They all slept four to a room at the Red Roof Inn and Todd Lorenz stole the entire continental breakfast for himself, even stomping the food he didnt like into the ground so no one else could have it.
Outside the GM office, the lineup is posted for the Battle Royal as Ripner Cabnit, TheLELGuy, Aric Johnson and others learn that they have not been chosen for the card and will get to eat some quality catering for the night. The boo-boo face has made it’s debut on the show already. Hopefully, the keys were left in the ignition so they can get some heat. Lets face it, they werent going to get heat in the match anyway.
Man Tony Garea Memorial Battle Royal: Todd Lorenz, cabspaintedyellow, Phrederic, Hart Killer 09, Vince Jordan, WWF 1987, James, Mick, “Dancing” Devin Harris, Billy Castillo, Worst in the World, Bobby, Nick Piers, Your Favourite Loser, Mr. Snrub, Juvydriver, Jabber2, David BonzaiSaldanaMontgomery, BigNasty 96, Stan Ford, PATRICKisLEGEND, TheGrailSpiral, Nebb28, X Man, MikeyMike2323, Jason, “Angry” Ian Austin, Ziggaman730, ScottyFlamingo Never before have so many jam-up guys been in one ring. Our wonderful timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, gets us started by ringing the bell. And the match starts with everyone running after Todd Lorenz. He cannot overcome everyone and the Hoss gets eliminated! The Hoss of the BoD is out and not happy at all. He throws a chair into the crowd and then grabs a hot dog from a fan. Uh oh, he stops before taking his first bite and realizes there is not any relish on the hot dog. He grabs the fan over the guardrail and shakes him down for money then stomps the hot dog into the ground and makes him eat it all up. Oh my! While that was going on, Mr. Snrub and Ziggaman730 were eliminated, off-camera. Breaking news ladies and gentleman, the true shooter of the BoD, Bobby, has been eliminated. The toughest man on the internet will head back to the locker room. TheGrailSpiral and ScottyFlamingo have just been eliminated courtesy of WWF 1987, who is sporting his “I Cracked Caliber” T-Shirt, available at BoD Shopzone. Stan Ford has just been eliminated and can now go watch the WWE Network, where as the just eliminated Big Nasty 96 can not watch and freely bitch about it on the BoD. In a feat of strength, “Dancing” Devin Harris just eliminated the BoD Job Squad, Nick Piers and Your Favourite Loser. To the disappointment of his pet rock, Nebb28 has been eliminated, courtesy of DBSM. WWF 1987 is heating up as he tosses out “Angry” Ian Austin, the happiest man on the BoD. He then takes out Jason and Jabber2 as well. We are clearing things out as Phrederic takes out Juvydriver, then Phrederic gets eliminated by Vince Jordan. Now Vince Jordan gets eliminated by Worst in the World. What a sequence and not at all contrived, either. Worst in the World has just been eliminated by the force known as WWF 1987. A lot of C+/B- players are still left in this ring, all surviving for a chance at that Tony Garea “Best of……” DVD and a $3 voucher to be redeemed at the next F4W Vegas Convention. Hart Killer 09 eliminates the X Man and cabspaintedyellow takes out MikeyMike2323. The fantasy sports man, DBSM, has just been eliminated by Mick. Well, at least he didnt choke in the BoD Fantasy Basketball League playoffs. James and PATRICKisLEGEND try to eliminate the Dancing Man but Mick, WWF 1987, and Hart Killer 09 sneak up and eliminate them all as James, PATRICKisLEGEND, and “Dancing” Devin Harris have all been eliminated. And Devin Harris is down. Wait a minute, did you just say down? I think he heard you. Look at him dance! HA HA HA GIT DOWN, GIT DOWN WITH DA D-D-H. And look at this, the BoDettes have joined him as they all get FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crowd loves getting funky! OH COME ON, that’s Todd Lorenz and he just kicked down and destroyed the sound system as the crowd boos. He now grabs the mic: “NO ONE HAS FUN UNTIL I GET RELISH ON MY HOT DOG!!!!!” And now he takes a concession stand worker and chokeslams him onto the speakers. What an angry, bitter, fat guy. Back to the match, Billy Castillo has been eliminated by Mick. The final four have been set: Mick, Cabspaintedyellow, Hart Killer 09, and WWF 1987. Lots of slow brawling as our competitors are starting to wear down. Mick missses a clothesline and Hart Killer 09 ducks then eliminates Mick. Hart Killer 09 then goes after the others but cabspaintedyellow hits him from behind then tosses Hart Killer 09 to the floor. And now WWF 1987 makes his move and tosses cabspaintedyellow and wins the Battle Royal. But wait, a masked man comes from underneath the ring and sneaks behind WWF 1987 and hits him from behind then throws him over the top rope. He unmasks himself and it turns out to be Chin! He just trolled everyone in the match! And he is declared the winner. Chin grabs the mic and taunts the angry crowd that this is just for children and mocks them for getting upset then brings his own two children into the ring as they hold comic books and wear John Cena writsbands and once again tells the BoD that wrestling and comic books are just for children. What a surprising start to BoD Mania.
Backstage, Steve Ferrari is waiting to speak to the GM when he runs into the Assistant GM, Director of Procedural Operations, and Vice President of Paper goods, Justice Gray. He tells Ferrari that the GM is busy but if Caliber does not show up, he cannot have a replacement partner. He also tells Ferrari that since he thought he should have been in the BoD Rumble, he would have no problem taking on these two guys.
Monday Night Warz Match Logan Scisco vs. Tommy Hall This heated feud started when Logan eliminated Tommy from the BoD Rumble. With the release of his newest e-book, Tommy has raked in enough cash to purchase a discount official throwback from Mitchell & Ness, so yes Virginia, that Ruben Sierra throwback is a legit, game-day worn jersey. And do I see Fila sweatpants now? Yes I do. What’s next, a dinner at Red Lobster! Anyway, Logan doesnt have any fancy e-book money but does have a T-shirt with his name written in Italics. C’mon Logan, this is what the world is watching, so dress the part. Tommy sneak attacks Logan from behind. He pounds on him in the corner then calls him out for being too lazy to write reviews for the “Shotgun Saturday Night” shows. Tommy writes those Thunder reviews like a champ you know. Tommy misses the avalanche splash as Logan gets us and works on the leg. Logan wants to set him up for the Sharpshooter but Tommy is able to grab the ropes. Logan drags him back in the middle of the ring and roughs him up and heads up top but misses an elbow drop. Tommy gets up and hits a slam and a leg drop. He almost puts him away with a Samoan drop. Tommy goes for the Vader Bomb but Logan gets his knees up. Both men are down as the crowd pulls out their phones and post on the BoD. They are up and are firing away. Logan knocks Tommy through the ropes and onto the apron. He tries to suplex him back in but Tommy reaches in his Fila’s and pulls something out. Logan has Tommy up for the back suplex but Tommy hits him and Logan drops. Tommy now covers for the win. The camera zooms in on Tommy’s hand and it reveals a roll of dimes. He cashed out the rest of his e-book money so he could cheat to win this match! Has Tommy turned heel on the BoD?
BoD Tag Team Title Elimination Match PrimeTime Ten & Beard Money vs. Mr. Satan & Zanatude vs. ABeYance1 & thebraziliankid vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne The winners will be the inaugural BoD Tag Team Champions. Beard Money and ABeYance start off the match. Beard Money takes control as he wears his favorite pair of overalls. He works over the back to set him up for the bearhug but Curry tags himself into the match and beats on ABeYance1. He hits a spinkick and follows up that with a senton. He climbs up top but misses a moonsault and ABeYance1 tags his partner, showing for the first time that he can do something besides typing a one-sentence long post. They hit a double dropkick on Curry. thebraziliankid now takes control and stops babbling on about whatever the fuck the “MGS Patriots” are. Mr. Satan now waves him over and asks to help. He tells braziliankid to tag in his partner and give him a chair so he can rest. He tags ABeYance1 and as that happens, Zanatude takes the chair and hits ABeYance as Mr. Satan distracts the ref, then Mr. Satan covers for the win, eliminating AbeYance1 & thebraziliankid. Oh well, better luck next time, kids. Mr. Satan turns his attention to PrimeTime Ten and they go at it. The Gorilla/Bobby wannabe is getting double-teamed in the corner as his partner is stomping his feet on the apron to get the crowd going. He finally escapes and makes the tag to Beard Money. He runs wild on both guys then does a big ol’ cartwheel. Oh my. He bounces the ropes but Mr. Satan whacks him with a chair. Zanatude gets up and tags Mr. Satan and he hits him with a running swinging neckbreaker then the double arm DDT. He really is Mick Foley, isn’t he? And now he tags Zanatude and they hit the H-Bomb for the win, eliminating PrimeTime Ten & Beard Money. We are now down to the last two teams and they all go at each other. The match completely breaks down as the competitors are brawling outside of the ring. Warne gets whipped into the guardrail then gets tossed back into the ring. He takes a beating for a while as the chances for the RoH Connection looks bleak. Warne dodges a corner splash and hits a super kick as both men are down. He gets up and makes the tag to Curry, who goes on an angry spree of terror. He uses the double noggin-knocker and the match breaks down again. Zanatude grabs a chair and swings but Warne ducks and it hits Mr. Satan. Warne hits Zanatude with a brainbuster then Curry finishes him off with the 450 splash as they get the win and become the first-ever tag team champions.
After the folllowing match, the contestants will head down to the famous Florida strip club that lets you bring in a cell phone, the Cellular Twat, and adhere to their stipulations. If Parallax wins, he drinks, if Farva wins, he has to become sober.
Shitfaced vs. Sobriety Match to Become the #1 Contender Parallax1978 vs. Officer Farva
Farva appears to be about ¾ of a liter deep in Stoli for this match. This match also will not have any rules and pinfalls can occur anywhere in the arena. After months of buildup, the match begins. Farva swings wildly and misses and that allows Parallax to kick him down. Parallax wants to save Farva and anyone else who needs help and with the BoD, there is a lot of saving that needs to happen. The sober, wife-fucker stays in control for a bit, something Farva has a problem doing himself. Parallax kicks him outside and follows him out. Farva reverses an Irish whip and sends Parallax into the guardrail. He then takes him over with a clothesline as they fight in the stands. Farva drags Parallax up the stands and hits him with overhand chops. Wait a minute, Farva grabs a mic and asks the crowd if this man (pointing at Parallax) has fucked your wife? Two guys come over and kick Parallax in the groin. Farva charges at Parallax but ends up hitting the stairs after a drop toehold. Parallax pulls out some pills, I thought he was anti-drug? He then sticks them in Farva’s face. The Doc of the BoD gobbles them right up. Parallax tells him they are vitamins as Farva spits them out. Parallax rams his head off of the steps then drags him towards the concession stand. There are some Ryan Murphy T-Shirts on the clearance rack that Parallax uses to choke out Farva. We move towards the food part of the concourse as we see Todd Lorenz, who was two workers by the back of the neck as he grabs the relish off of the shelf. Back to the match as Parallax busts open Farva with a glass then hits him repeatedly. Parallax grabs a beer cart and wheels it over to Farva but took too much time and Farva is up and punches him down. Farva then leans over the counter and sticks his head under the tap and has a drink. He then spits it at Parallax and bangs two beers together like Stone Cold but his too tanked to realize that he used glass bottles and not cans and cuts himself up. Farva is feeling it….the booze that is and goes over and kicks the poor hotdog vendor and has a bite to eat. Now, Farva predictably goes over to the cheese whiz and picks it up. He looks to dump it on Parallax but some gimmicks fall out of his pocket. He puts down the tray of hot cheese whiz, or CHEEX WHIZ, when Farva uses his phone, and goes to pick them up but is struggling. He is fumbling around his stash as Parallax sneaks up from behind and curbstomps Farva into the cheeze whiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He covers and its one, two, three. This is over as Parallax is our new number one contender. And after we clean the cheeze whiz off of Farva, we will head over to the “Cellular Twat” for the post-match stipulations.
BoD Did You Know?
rspwfaq.net is ranked 10,000 spots higher for page-hit traffic in the USA than Insidepulse.com
White Thunder & Paul Meekin vs. Steve Ferrari & Caliber Winfield
The big question all week is whether or not Caliber will take a break from bench pressing and poppin’ all that Pacific Ocean Coast pussy and show up to help his editor in this tag match. Steve Ferrari shows up by himself as Caliber is nowhere to be seen. Maybe he left his ticket on the table or something like that. The bell rings as Meekin and Thunder go after Ferrari, who puts up a fight. The editor fights them off but is unable to overcome the odds. Meekin grabs him in a bearhug as all the people who have not had their lunch stolen by Todd Lorenz have officially lost their’s. This is getting rough as now White Thunder has Ferrari in the Figure Four and keeps yelling out WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The man is a fan of the bill-dodging, alimony avoidinng son of a gun. Meekin tags in but the arena goes black. Who turned off the lights? They eventually come back on and we see four men carrying someone on a chair whose identity is concealed by the hood that he is wearing. They put it down and unmask and ……………..HOLY SHIT. Its Pik, Steve Stennick, Gideon Stargrave, and Elvy Landa. What the fuck are they doing here, this isnt the group home? They take Ferrari and beat him down. The man in the chair orders them to get a table and they do. They place the beating and broken Ferrari onto the table as the man gets up from the chair and removes his hood to reveal…………….Jesse Baker!!!! Oh my god. The BoD is losing their shit over this stunning revelation. Jesse waves over Meekin and Thunder, who look a mix of petrified and intrigued, to join them. Gideon spray paints something on Ferrari but the can runs out and I see something resembling a “U.” Now he is bashing the can off of his head as he screeches. Can someone please get white coat security in here to administer some anti-psychotics? Jesse tells Meekin he is a fan of his QOTD and asks him to join and if White Thunder can be their muscle? He then says he wants a decision by BoD Extreme Rules. Oh god, that’s happening too. Christ. Baker and his men leave as this stable has sent shockwaves through the BoD. There is nothing stable about those crazy bastards. That is right, they are the Unstable. Jesse then turns up the aisle and says that he has something else he wants, Caliber Winfield, and that he will reign terror on his fanbase until he responds to him. I guess they sent a message by leaving Steve Ferrari on the table.
Meanwhile, the cameras are set up at the “Cellular Twat,” awaiting the arrival of Parallax and Farva. We see the display of coke zero and unsalted almonds for Farva while Parallax gets a pizza. This place is crazy, I mean you can bring a cell phone here. Hell, I saw one guy walk in with a Motorola Bag Phone and a “Speak n’ Say” and they let that crazy fucker in the club. The car pulls up as the competitors get out of the car. They go inside as the TV shows a replay of WWE Main Event, just for Farva! We will check back on them soon.
And now, a special PSA from the BoD
Money on the Table Match Jef Vinson vs. kbjone vs. Mar Solo vs. YJ2310 vs. JoeDust vs. Brian Bayless vs. John Petuka vs. ?????? Who is the mystery entrant? Match starts out with everyone fighting. Mar Solo ducks out to get a ladder but gets taken out by a suicide dive courtesy of Jef Vinson. Petuka flies out with a pescado as the trainwreck spot concludes with a flip dive from JoeDust. In the ring, Bayless tosses kbjone to the floor and tries to set up the ladder. Jef Vinson comes in and dropkicks him through the ropes. YJ2310 hits a knee from behind then suplexes Petuka. He picks up the ladder over his head and spins it around like a helicopter, taking out everyone in sight. He puts it down to set it up but eats a super kick from Tommy Hall, I mean kbjone. Really, I did. He tries to go climb up and gets about halfway but gets yanked down by JoeDust. TAFKA jvc113 goes up but so does Mar Solo and he takes him down with a sunset powerbomb. After crying about being left out of the BoD Rumble, Mar Solo is on a mission. But that just ended with a powerbomb from the BoD GM. He rolls him outside and White Coat Security takes Mar Solo and injects him with haldol. That motherfucking, post-whoring GM set this up so he could win. And look at this, JoeDust get clotheslined outside by Jef Vinson and he gets dragged away and a haldol shot too. If anyone else but the GM falls outside, they will get dragged away and haldol’d up. And look at this, kbjone and Petuka takes out White Coat Security with planchas. they fight back and they have had enough of this bullshit, as has everyone else whose had read up until this point. The BoD Rumble was a better card. Uh oh, White Coat Security has too many people and they haldol up Petuka back to the midcard. kbjone struggles to overcome the odds and gets the shot. I give him a C for that valiant effort. In the ring, Bayless hits Vinson with a backbreaker then tosses the ladder onto YJ2310. He super kicks him and tosses him right to the floor. He turns his attention to Vinson and has gone full-on Garea, using the jumping side headlock takeover repeatedly. He is snapped and might start teaming with jobbers each week so Matt Calamia might have a new partner next PPV. White Coat Security tries to drag YJ2310 away but he is a Jets fan so he has experience in fighting off authority. The lone hotdog vendor that has not been assaulted by Todd Lorenz has hopped the guardrail, to escape from him for some reason, and runs into the ring. Bayless has climbed the ladder but the hotdog vendor makes his way up and takes off his hat to reveal Magoonie Teddy Belmont! He fires away and now he pushes the ladder as Bayless flies outside and crashes onto White Coat Security. Magoonie grabs the mic and tells Bayless his name is Magoonie, and he is not a parking attendant but a midcarder. He now sets up the ladder and wakes up Jef Vinson, who staggers around then climbs up and grabs the money off of the table and gets the title shot! Bayless looks angry as then Midcard Messiah flips him the bird. Oh my, after all of the abuse, the GM gets his comeuppance. He and White Coat Security are not happy about this.
Back at the Cellular Twat, as Farva goes to the bathroom but really goes to sneak off behind the bar. He opens a bottle of rum and chugs but immediately spits it out. He yells that it is prune juice as everything in the bar has been replaced with a non-alcoholic beverage. He then looks at the TV and learns that Wisconsin was eliminated and is down $500 and he has no more gimmicks to cope. How will he react over the long haul?
BoD Writer Championship Throwdown Andy PG vs. Stranger in the Alps vs. Chris Cucchiara vs. Mike Mears vs. Masked Reviewer vs. Kyle Fitta vs. Matt Perri vs. Scott Newman vs. Rock Star Gary The crowd has cooled for this contest. Everyone brawls to start as a majority of the crowd heads to the bathroom. Matt Perri and Scott Newman have combined for roughly 6 reviews on the BoD and they get a spot on the card, which I am sure will anger some C+ posters without spots. The Cucch is now in the aisle doing an impression of Shawn Michaels entrance while making the jerking off motion with his hand. The crowd is now pelting him with garbage. BoD Special reporter Wade Michael Meltzer reported earlier today that the sabermetrics formula (e + c = who gives a fuck) that is used to predict all BoD matches have given Mike Mears the odds on favorite to win this match. Kyle Fitta takes out Rock Star Gary and his looooooooooooonnnggggggggggggg reviews by press slamming him to the floor. Remember when he used to give news updates? Its no BoD Update my friend. Andy PG is in the corner and appears to be having flashbacks of Daniel Bryan joining the Wyatt’s and is rocking back and forth. Quick, someone run out there with a CM Punk sock puppet and talk to him. Stranger in the Alps has Matt Perri and hits the Roll of the Dice for the win. He is now the BoD Writers Champion. Oh well, so much for the BoD sabermetrics formula. But dont you worry, they still say the Timberwolves will win the NBA Championship.
Before our main event, check out the following BoD Shopzone Items:
“Manservants, Masochists, and Cunts: How to Book Professional Wrestling” by Jesse Baker
“How I Overcame WWE-Induced Stockholm Syndrome” by Brian Bayless (Foreword by Gideon Stargrave)
“The Pro Wrestler’s Guide to Becoming a Pro Wrestler” by Chad Bryant
Plus, more discounted items from Ryan Murphy, Flair4DaGold, Charlie Reneke, and Caliber Winfield.
BoD Heavyweight Championship Cultstatus vs. Jobber123
And now, it’s the main event. Our first competitor, Jobber123, is making his way to the ring with his entourage. Its his friend from work, the guy behind the counter at his 4th favorite weed dispensary and HOLY SHIT IT’S THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN. Correction, It’s the Million Dollar Arm, Todd Van Poppel. And now, here comes Cultstatus and his entourage, which consists of three random guys from the nearest unemployment line in Pittsburgh. Did you know you that in Pittsburgh, you cannot swing a dead cat without hitting either a bar or someone in an unemployment line? The tale of the tape has been said and the introductions are over. We now need the final say by our timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, to get this started. He rings the bell and the match has begun. Jobber sneaks in a final dozen posts about Bill Laimbeer in a thread plugging some jabroni’s blog then puts it away as our competitors stand face-to-face. Jobber hasn’t forgotten that Cultstatus burned is Steph Curry All-Star jersey and lets him know as he continues to stare. The BoD crowd are getting rowdy as they trash-talk each other and now they start out swinging. They go all over the ring against the ropes and now they spill outside. The crowd is raging and going out of their minds as these two titans brawl all over the ring. Neither guy can gain the upper hand as they are now into the crowd. Jobber ducks a punch and catches the Pittsburgh Snooze Lord with a knee. Jobber drags him over the guardrail and rolls him in the ring and starts to choke him out with a Kordell Stewart jersey. Where did he get that jersey I wonder? Jobber stomps a mudhole in his back and stops to make more posts, this time about someone who stood near him on the subway. Riveting stuff but hey, anytime you can stop what you are doing to pad your post count, you do that. Cultstatus gets up and smacks the phone out of his hand and fires away. He whips him in the corner and follows with a clothesline. He hits Jobber with a backbreaker and goes outside to grab something under the ring. It’s a can of spray paint and he is going to spray over his Mitch Richmond throwback! Jobber flies out of the ring and hits a tope as both men are down. Jobber gets up and prepares to put him through the table but Cultstatus floats over and knocks him down. He then picks up Jobber but he also floats over as they now brawl near the ring apron. They head back inside as Jobber catches him with a clothesline. And now the top stars of the BoD head come out to watch the match as we see the “Money on the Table” winner and other stars. We also see Todd Lorenz with a jar of relish and a hot dog vendor, who he has in a headlock. Jobber heads up top but Cultstatus cuts him off and takes him down with a superplex as both men are down. The drama builds as both men struggle to get to their feet. Cultstatus blocks a punch and fires back. The BoD faithful are on their feet and in awe of these two competitors. Or they are preparing to leave. Jobber reverses an Irish whip and Cultstatus smashes into the referee in the corner and he is out. Jobber attacks Cultstatus from behind as the referee is out. And now he has his foot on Cultstatus’ head as he makes posts about the NBA in a RAW thread from 2012. The crowd does not care for this one bit. He targets the leg again and slams it against the post. He takes him outside and picks him up and slams him onto the announcers table. He then yanks the bell from our fabulous timekeeper and repeatedly uses it to beat on the leg of Cultstatus. He then heads up top and puts him through the table with an elbow drop!!!!! This has to be it. He rolls Cultstatus back into the ring and wakes up the referee and he counts ONE, TWO, THREE !!!!!!! NO HE KICKED OUT. Jobber is in disbelief. He picks up Cultstatus and places him on the top turnbuckle. He tries a superplex but Cultstatus blocks that and shoves him off. He leaps towards Jobber who catches him with a kick to the midsection. He now picks him up and hits the Razor’s Edge as this has to be over. He covers again but Cultstatus kicks out!!!!!!!! Jobber again is frustrated and goes outside to grab a table. He sets it up back in the ring and goes to pick up for another Razor’s edge but Cultstatus escapes and kicks Jobber in the gut. He picks him up and hits a jackknife powerbomb through the table!!!!!! He picks him up again and hits another jackknife and covers ONE, TWO, THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we have our first BoD Heavyweight Champion. And the locker room piles out and places him on their shoulders as the confetti drops. He turns around and look who it is, The Fuj is standing in the middle of the ring!!!!! The BoD is in shock as we have run out of time. What is the Fuj doing here and is he back for a shot at the gold? Tune in at BoD Extreme Rules to see what happens.
I personally agree with number one but I can see how numbers one through four could alternate depending on what you want to watch that day. Your thoughts? And what's with Meltzer not giving number one *****MikeyMike
I can see the argument for #1 and I think I've voted for it on occasion myself, but I think Bret-Austin is more clearly the greatest ever for, you know, completely altering the history of the business forever and stuff.
And Meltzer hasn't had a North American ***** match since Hart-Austin (or it might have been HITC 1, same year either way), so I'm not surprised he didn't. He's just REALLY making sure that the eventual recipient earns that fifth one.
So a week or so ago, someone asked you about an "All time Mania card" with one match from each following the obvious rules of "no repeated wrestlers or titles." I even included this years Mania with the Shield vs. Kane/Outlaws 6-man. I only picked 2 must have matches (Austin/Bret 13, and Savage/Steamboat 3). Everything else was worked out as I went along. I tried to hit as many of the top stars as I could only omitting guys like Foley, Flair and Batista; plus I managed 8 title matches (7 really, I counted the Million $ Belt) and some celebrity involvement. The only one that I think may draw attention is the Battle of the Billionaires match as Stone Cold is special ref, and Vince is obviously in one corner but they're not technically wrestling AND Foley wrestled and refereed at WM15. So here ya go, personally, knowing what we know, I'd main event Rock/Cena or more likely Shawn/Taker.
All Time Wrestlemania Card:
1. Wrestlemania – Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd – $15,000 Slam Match
2. Wrestlemania 2 – Tito Santana & Junkyard Dog vs. Terry & Hoss Funk
I was listening to a local Boston area sports radio show earlier tonight on my way home from work. It is always entertaining to listen to legitimate sports media personalities discuss wrestling. To listen to these wonks, wrestling requires precisely no talent and no athleticism, and their purpose in covering Wrestle Mania once a year is simply to mock what they don’t understand. But the sports radio jocks I was listening to, Michael Felger and Tony Massarotti (a paisan!) were not discussing the relative merits of the matches. No, they were discussing Mania prop bets. And I must admit, scouring the net for them a few minutes ago, they are pretty good. Here are some of the best (or worst):
Match: Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls vs. Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bella Twins
-Match time: Over/Under (O/U) 5:00
-Will Tons of Funk and company’s entrance include excessive dancing?
Seriously? People are betting on this shit? What a world we live in. For the record, Tons of Funk wins in a match lasting less than five minutes with the intros taking longer than the match. And, yes, excessive dancing abounds.
Match: Chris Jericho vs. Fandango
-Match time O/U: 7 minutes
-Number of times Fandango says his name: O/U 5.5
Fandango wins this match. I am not throwing in the odds of guys winning matches in a fixed event because that is just silly. At least to me. The match gets more than seven minutes, as Jericho is on a hot streak right now and is being trusted to put Fandango over as a credible mid card act. And Fandango -5.5? Take the over there folks. He’ll be screaming his own name worse than me mid coitus.
Match: WWE Tag Team Titles: Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston
-AJ Lee distraction is instrumental in the finish: Yay or nay
-Match time: O/U 7:30
This match is the definition of filler. I love Ziggs and D Bry, but this is going way under that 7:30 mark. Safest bet of the show. And AJ Lee being a distraction? That is for fucking certain. The guys in Vegas don’t watch wrestling too much obviously.
Match: Ryback vs. Mark Henry
-Match time O/U: 9:00
-Ryback botches Shellshock: Y/N
-Ryback successfully performs Shellshock: Y/N
This match is the $64,000 question of this event. The house show reports have not been positive. I think Ryback wins here, botches one Shellshock, but eventually nails it the second time. Henry will do his damndest, and Ryback will experience a type of adrenaline his green ass has never experience. And Vince will give this ten minutes at least, so over on match time.
Match: IC Title: Wade Barrett vs. The Miz
No bets needed. Pre show fodder. Plus, Miz sucks. Fuck him. Get Barrett away from this loser.
Match: Randy Orton, Big Show, and Sheamus vs. The Shield
-Match time: O/U 12 minutes
-Orton, Sheamus and Show lose via team discord: Y/N
-Orton turns heel: Y/N
-Show reverts back to heel: Y/N
I added that last one. The Shield wins this thing. No doubt in my mind. Here is the thing: If Orton turns here and hands the match to Shield, there is no chance of Cena turning in the Main. No chance in hell. So this match will be the tell tale sign for the whole upper card of the event. I expect Shield to win after Sheamus accidentally nudges Show, which Show responds to with a KO (worst finisher ever) punch. Shield is so well booked right now that it would be a travesty to halt the momentum now.
Match: World Heavyweight Championship: Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger
-Chances anyone besides Vince McMahon gives a shit about this match: 0%
-Match time: O/U 12:30
-Ricardo vs Dutch happens at ringside: Y/N
-Del Rio drives into Mania: Y/N
-Car Del Rio drives into Mania: greater or less than $200,000.
-Outside interference: Y/N
I could care less about this crap. And that is what this angle has been: WrestleCrap. The match will get about 11 minutes, so I am going under there. Ricardo and Dutch Mantel will get into it on the outside and will be the impetus for the finish. Del Rio will NOT drive a car into the arena, as it goes against the humble babyface image he has been fishing for the last few months. If Alberto really wants to embody that humble face image, he drives a 1995 Mercury Topaz to the ring. And Alberto wins after Vince tells him to fully “spic it up.” As an Italian, that last sentence pained me. And outside interference? No doubt in this abortion of a Mania match. Ugh. Let us just move on…
Match: HHH vs. Brock Lesnar
This is a prop bet that is made in general for any WWE show over the last 15 or so years. The bet does not apply to any singular match, but, as a wrestling fan, I know where my bread is buttered, so this is the match where this bet becomes applicable:
-Chances of the Spanish Announce Table remaining intact throughout the event (50-1)
One of these guys is getting spinebustered through that table. HHH needs all the gimmicks he can get at this point. Brock had a great match with Cena last year with some gimmicks, but Brock-H at SummerSlam was kind of flat. Look for none of that here.
-Match time O/U 20:00
Oh this one is going that twenty minutes. Its HHH and the man the fans most want to see, Brock Lesnar.
-Number of times the sledgehammer is used: 3.5
Over. That puppy is going to get a workout here.
-HBK Sweet Chin Music on Brock
Yes. At least once, and leading to the finish.
Match: Undertaker vs CM Punk
-Length of Taker’s entrance: O/U 4:30
-Punk hitting a tombstone
-Heyman interference. 2/1
-Finishers used: 10
Taker’s entrance will take ten years. We all know that. OVER. Punk is not HHH or HBK, so the tombstone is out of question. Punk WILL use Hell’s Gates and Taker WILL use the GTS and Anaconda Vice, so gotta go over on the finishers. Heyman will get his ass beat in the match, no doubt, for the disrespect of Paul Bearer. In an upset, Undertaker wins.
Match: WWE Championship: Rock vs John Cena
I could go with finishing sequences or prop bets here, but I am not. This is a big match, despite what people may think. And this is my feel on the whole scenario: Cena is going heel here (unless Orton does earlier in the card). Cena wins, we all know that. We all know they will go through about six finishing sequences. Rock WILL lay down here. If the heel turn doesn’t happen this night, it never will. I just feel it in my bones.
And that, kids, is the Mania prop bet rant. Please comment with non Vegas prop bets below.