Monday Night Raw – January 4, 2021

Monday Night Raw
Date: January 4, 2021
Location: Tropicana Field, St. Petersburg, Florida
Commentators: Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips, Samoa Joe

It’s another major show with another Legends reunion. This time around the focus is on Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair and Torrie Wilson for some reason but other than that, it seems like they are in for a bunch of appearances. Other than that, we have Keith Lee challenging Drew McIntyre for the WWE Title. Let’s get to it.

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One of my hobbies is toy collecting. I love the Mattel WWE Elite line, particularly the “flashback” figures they do for older or retired wrestlers. I know you’re not specifically a toy expert or collector, but I was curious if you knew, based on marketability as well as the status of the relationship with a given talent and WWE, if you thought there would be any chance of any of the following talents being considered to be in the Elite line (or any line, really) in the future:

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The Princess Review on the Legends of Wrestling Roundtable: Texas Wrestling

One final Dusty-related piece from me:

First here’s Dustin’s eulogy:
And here’s Cody’s eulogy:

And here’s wonderful obit/feature on Dusty and his time in Tampa:

And here’s my piece on Legends of Wrestling Roundtable: Texas Wrestling

Your panelists are: Jim Ross, Michael Hayes, Dusty Rhodes and “Cowboy” Bill Watts. With Mean Gene Okerlund moderating the conversation. Number of cowboy hats on the set are two but the “Cowboy” isn’t wearing one. Rhodes is the only actual Texas-born person on the panel.

— Ross starts out by saying Texas had five full-time territories and as an Oklahoma guy Ross says there’s no state that comes close to Texas for producing stars. He goes into the Dallas territory with the Von Erichs and from there with Paul Boesch in Houston, Gory Guerrero in El Paso, Joe Blanchard in San Antonio and Dory Funk Sr. in West Texas. Ross said guys could bounce from territory to territory in Texas and make a good living without leaving the state.

— Hayes talks about some guys could only draw in Texas and other guys could draw anywhere but Texas, making that area really unique.

— Dusty talks about the wrestling tradition on the West Texas State football team that included the Funk Brothers, Tito Santana, Ted DiBiase, Tully Blanchard, Bruiser Brody and of course Dusty himself. Dusty cracks a joke about Watts booking him nine times in a week.

— Hayes takes credit for making Dallas hot, which is somewhat true and somewhat of an embellishment. Hayes says the promoters in Texas weren’t often put over but the panel reminds him that Boesch was highly revered by the boys and promoters alive. Dusty says Boesch was the best payoff in the territory era.

— JR talks about the Von Erichs a little and how he came across them when Watts would book them for Mid-South TV. And then he talks about how strong the Von Erichs were because of their TV coverage. He makes the comparison of the old wrestling fan being like a NASCAR fan as they would watch all the different promotions they could on TV.

— Dusty puts over Texas as the greatest state in the union and the greatest football team in the union. And tries to talk about JBL but ends up telling a story about him hitting a home run against Abilene Christian. That’s Dusty for ya. Back to wrestling and Dusty says the Freebirds-Von Erichs encaptured the Dallas market and we see a long clip of a Freebirds vs. Von Erichs (Kevin, Fritz and Mike) in a street fight at Texas Stadium.

— JR says Dusty was the quintessential Texas wrestler because he went to every territory around and drew money everywhere. Ross said this is a bottom line business and Dusty proved his value. From a technical standpoint Ross said Dory Jr. was probably the best. And we saw a clip of the Funk Brothers absolutely destroying the faces in Florida, including breaking Dusty Rhodes’ arm. Fans were pelting them with trash. And more clips of Dory beating Thunderbolt Patterson in a NWA title defense in Florida.

— Hayes said Dusty was so good as drawing money he could get other wrestlers’ payoff…other wrestlers meaning Hayes himself of course.

— JR said for modern times Stone Cold is the man. Texas guy, born there, trained there and started in Dallas but in a bottom-line business no one sold more.

— Watts and Hayes put over the Guerrero family as a whole and then some of the great Latin talents that came from Gory Guerrero’s promotion in El Paso.

— Hayes and Watts talk about Dick Murdoch and how great the Dusty-Murdoch team was as the Texas Outlaws and how choatic their fights were. Dusty tells stories about Murdoch working for San Francisco and how he might have gotten into some weird stuff out there. We see clips of the Outlaws reuniting to take on Bob Roop and Harley Race in 1975 at the Bayfront Center in St. Petersburg, Florida. Roop and Race did damage to Rhodes’ throat and Rhodes recruited Murdoch to help him and as legend goes the card sold out in a few minutes once the match was announced. When Dusty piledrives Roop on the concrete the place goes absolutely ape shit. And back in 1975 if you got piledriven on the concrete, it was pretty much instant death. Rhodes and Murdoch just continue to beat the shit out of Race and Roop, who the medics are trying to take out on a stretcher. Rhodes is narrating this with Gordon Solie and getting hyped up more by the second. Amazing, wild stuff and it was cool to see the Outlaws be total heels in their actions but they were the faces and had the crowd eating out of their hands.

— Watts talks about Rhodes’ wife being a tremendous Tex-Mex cook and then they get deeper into the Latin talent like Jose Lethario and El Santo and of course Mil Mascaras. And when the real Mexican superstars came into the Texas territory for spot shots they sold big tickets. Ross talks about how the Mexican fans knew the Mexican stars from the Puerto Rican stars and would punish the promoters that tried to pull one over on that fan base and bring in a Puero Rican star and push him to the Mexican fans.

— Watts tells a Terry Funk story about him getting drunk and ribbing his ex-wife and her new boyfriend, who were shacking up in the house he lost to her in the divorce.

— Dusty talks about Terry Funk shooting out the traffic lights in those one-horse towns around the canyons. Dusty tells a tremendous story about him and Nick Bockwinkle trying to rib Terry but Terry caught on to it and ribbed Bockwinkle instead.

— Watts talks about Dory Jr. ribbing Hansen and making him tear out his shoulder trying to knock down a street sign after Dory did it with one he gimmicked.

— More Watts this time talking about the Von Erichs and how big David’s funeral was. Watts said Fritz never really understood the problem his sons had with substance abuse. He talks about how Kerry was so huge but he was caught up in drugs as was his brother Chris. The only one who generally avoided the hard drugs was Kevin, who is the only surviving brother.

— Hayes said the tragic part of the Von Erich story was that the great memories they left for the people in Dallas are often just a footnote. He says Fritz got a lot of flack for taking care of his boys but when they had the right opposition, like the Freebirds, he let things escalate and get huge.

— Dusty talks about the super shows and how Vince rn the showdown at Shea and Florida did the Tampa show at Tampa Stadium and Fritz did the shows in Dallas. Hayes said the Texas Stadium shows were the largest houses in Texas until the WWE had the Royal Rumble in 1997 and the two Wrestlemanias in Houston.

— Ross talks about Wrestlemania 17 and how much he loved the Astrodome and puts over how great of a show that was….and wrestling fans agree as it’s widely considered the best Wrestlemania and arguably the best PPV of all time. We see clips of the Rock-Austin main event from the Wrestlemania 17 card.

— The panel gives praise Shawn Michaels and Ross says he’s the best “big match” perform to ever grace the ring. This was taped as a lead-in to Wrestlemania 25 too so once again Shawn was about to deliver another classic (depending on who you ask). Hayes says he continues to get better.

— Hayes mentions the other Texas guys that fell to substance abuse and brings up Gino Hernandez. Ross said Hernandez had the potential to be great and Watts said Gino’s attitude was that he wanted to work and he wanted the responsibility to be the man. And then somehow Watts goes back to putting Dusty over.

— Dusty tells a story about having to turn down a booking because his father died the same day Dustin was born. He barely had enough money to cover the funeral but Fritz gave him an envelope with money to cover the cost. Dusty said years later he was able to go back into Dallas and had the resources to give Fritz the money back and said he didn’t feel right until he did that.

— Hayes talks about Blackjack Mulligan and Dick Murdoch buying Amarillo territory from Dory Sr. Dusty said it included a “trunk factory” where they could make the wrestlers gear. He says the first trunks they sent him were too big and they misspelled “DR” on them. “I’m heavy, you know, but these would have fit Beulah the Cow.” Dusty said Blackjack and Dick were at gunpoint with each other from time to time and sold the territory within a year as only Dory knew how to make Amarillo work.

— Watts said he had Bruiser Brody and Stan Hansen as a team but broke them up because he could see they were both going to be stars. Watts said Bruiser was a different type of talent as he would make a deal with a promoter and look at the house and then would hold up the promoter for more money. Watts speculates that was much of the reason he got murdered by Invader I in Puerto Rico.

— Dusty and Watts talk about Ernie Ladd and he was from Texas. Watts said when Ernie died he cried for four days. Ross said Ernie, like Dusty, outgrew Texas pretty quickly and became an international star.

— Watts tells a story about the time Brody didn’t want to sell for Danny Hodge because he didn’t think Hodge looked big and strong enough. Now Hodge, who’s badassedness is legendary, beats the fuck out of Brody and Brody starts screaming for mercy and Watts tells Brody to “show him your arms and big muscles!”.

— Okerlund puts over Watts for his Hall of Fame induction and the show closes.

The Bottom Line: The first 30-35 minutes were great and it slowed down a little after that. My main beef was that they spent very little time actually talking about the memorable angles run in the Texas promotions other than the Freebirds-Von Erichs from WCCW. Fun discussion though as Hayes tends not to be as overbearing with Dusty and JR on the same panel.

Southeastern legends reflect on Continental Championship Wrestling

Hey Scott, longtime poster on the blog. I was hoping you could give some exposure to this feature story I wrote for my newspaper, talking with several legends of Southeastern Championship/Continental Championship Wrestling about their time in Dothan, Ala.
​Have you sent this to Karl Stern yet?  I'll pass it along for you on Twitter because this is right up his alley.  ​

Legends Roundtable Review: The Soul of Wrestling

My contribution to Black History Month as I, unlike Kurt Angle, am a
very big fan of “the black people” and I even decided to marry one of

Anyway this panel is in the vault and has been for
a long time. Not sure if they moved it to the Black History Month section but
you can find it on the Network rather easily.

Aired in February of 2009

JR is your moderator and your esteemed panelists are:

Teddy Long (Definitely black)
Dusty Rhodes (Considered to be close to black by some black wrestlers although
he teamed up with an alleged Klansman in Dick Murdoch)
Tony Atlas (Definitely black and half of the first black tag champions with
Rocky Johnson)
Bill Watts (Often considered a friend of blacks)

— JR asks Teddy to tell his story. Teddy got into the business around 1984 or
so as a hanger on and someone that could help the new guys coming into the
Georgia territory. He met Abdullah the Butcher first and was a gopher for him.
He would come with Abdullah and help the guys take their ring gear back from
the ring to the dressing room. Ran errands for the guys. Didn’t make any money
of course. Eventually he met Dusty and Dusty liked him and gave him his first
paying job as part of the ring setup crew, which paid about $75/show. Dusty
gave him a job as a referee when the ref didn’t show for an event at Marietta,
Georgia. He tells a funny story about reffing a Black Bart-Ron Bass Texas death
match and they were bleeding everywhere and he tossed the “foreign object” that
Bart was using into the crowd. Bart was pissed but the timekeeper made a
mistake and they got mad at him about that and forgot about Teddy.

JR talks about Teddy being a manager of Doom. Teddy said he rode with Kevin
Sullivan and Eddie Gilbert and he would entertain them using his radio DJ’ing
skills while they rode and Sullivan convinced Flair to let him manage. He thanks
JR as well for his help in convincing Flair, who was against it. First guy he
managed? Norman the Lunatic. Then it was the Skyscrapers and then Doom. That’s
a pretty nice upgrade of talent actually.

— On to Atlas, who was a state champion as an amateur wrestler, power lifter
and bodybuilder. Atlas said he’s one of the luckiest people in the profession.
Sandy Scott saw an article on Atlas in a newspaper and met him during a show at
the YMCA. At the time he was trying to get to the Olympics in weight lifting or
wrestling. He describes his career as too much too soon. He was in main events
with Tommy Rich and Dusty within six months. He says he was his biggest problem
in wrestling. He made $1,500 his first week and $75,000 his first year. He said
most of his problems were with black wrestlers because when he came into the
territory the other black star had to leave. Pistol Pez Whatley hated him as
did Skip Young but they made amends. Tommy Rich told Atlas he wasn’t black or
white, he was green — as in he made money.

(They show a promo he cut with Gordon Solie and they are talking about Ric
Flair and…holy shit Atlas is MASSIVE. I could see why everyone wanted him in
their territory. He looks like big money and his babyface promo skills were
solid. He didn’t come across as a badass but more of a loveable babyface that
looked like a dude you did not want to mess with.)

(They show clips of a Flair-Atlas match, probably from the Georgia territory.
Flair is bumping like a madman for Atlas and even takes a nasty piledriver.)

– Atlas tells a funny story of a promoter riding him around the black
neighborhoods in Virginia with him covered in baby oil and posing while the
promoter billed him as the strongest black man in wrestling. He hated it but
went to the arena and saw the big crowd and starting buying his own baby oil for future promotions.

— Dusty talks about growing up in neighborhood of mostly blacks and Hispanics.
He said Sailor Art Thomas was one of the first black wrestlers that influenced
him. He also mentioned Thunderbolt Patterson and how he crafted his promos.
Dusty also got his style from listening to the black preachers that came
through town each month for revivals.

(Clips of a Thunderbolt Patterson sit down promo with Missouri Mauler and Dale
Lewis. You can easily see the similarities with him and Dusty and exactly where
Dusty took some of his style)

— JR asks Watts about his run with Bobo Brazil. He said he did some things to
create a racial atmosphere mostly because he was dumb and ignorant. He talked
about being drenched in urine going to the ring to face Bobo and causing a riot
after he pinned him.

(Clips of a Bobo Brazil interview when he entered Florida. I kind of like his

— Watts said Bobo was a classy guy, as was Ernie Ladd. He talked about an
incident in Baltimore when his tag partner called Ladd the n-word after Lyndon
Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act. Watts expected Ladd to get up from
playing cards and knock the guy out but he didn’t knowing that he would
probably get fired. Watts said Thunderbolt Patterson’s problem was that he
fought the culture because he dealt with so much and was filled with so much
animosity. Watts said that when he was in charge of Mid-South he looked at the
territory’s demographics and saw the black fans and saw how blacks were
dominating other athletics but just token blacks in pro wrestling so he wanted
to change that. He talks about Ernie Ladd and Ray Candy as the main event the
first Superdome card. JR said he remembered when white bookers would call Watts
and ask him if he lost his mind for promoting so many black wrestlers.

(Clips of a hilarious interview between JYD and Gene Okerlund with both of them
gawking over Wendi Richter and JYD talking about making enough money to pay the
IRS…shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments?)

— Watts talks about JYD entering the territory. He said he learned of him from
Jake Roberts (“only good thing he’s ever done”). Watts talks about Ladd booking
JYD with Super Destroyer and ran him tired for 20 minutes. Watts told Ladd that
he sent JYD to him to figure out what he could do, not what he couldn’t do…and
fired Ladd and Super Destroyer. But hired them back the next day.

— Watts continues on how it was tough to book black wrestlers against white
wrestlers and how many of the houses in Louisiana still had segregated seating
(this is in the late 70s, early 80s BTW). Watts partner, Leroy McGuirk, wasn’t
happy about all the color in the crowds and the card but Grizzly Smith reminded
him that it’s all about the green. And they made a lot of money.

— Long talks about Ole Anderson being a big racist jackass (you’re shocked I
know) and how Thunderbolt Patterson would side with Ole because he wanted to be
the only black on the card. Dusty said Patterson’s biggest problem was himself
and he blamed everyone else. The panel agrees. No love for Thunderbolt here
(Long really hated him).

— Watts talks about how far we’ve come but how far we need to go and mentions
the lack of black college football head coaches compared to the black players
in college football. He tells another funny story about Ladd.

(After a break we return with a clip of Dusty cutting a promo about having
soul. He was born with soul and so was Tony Atlas daddy!)

— JR talks about Butch Reed and Koko B. Ware wrestling at Wrestlemania III
with Slick as Reed’s manager and having two black wrestlers against each other
on the card was more history.

(Clips of the Reed-Ware match, Reed won with a rollover and a handful of

— JR asks Tony about winning the tag championship with Rocky Johnson. Atlas
said S.D. Jones said they were the only two guys that held the belt and made no
money with it. They hated each other and mostly because they didn’t want to
share the spotlight. Atlas said he beat up Rocky after Rocky promised to give
him a ride to a show and didn’t do it so he would get heat. They lost the belts
the next day and Atlas was fired. Atlas puts over Tommy Rich as his best tag
partner and his brother. Atlas tells a funny story about trying to do a 500-lb
bench press in the ring with Dusty supposed to spot him but Dusty starts jumping
around to get the crowd going and the ring is shaking while he’s trying to lift
this large amount of weight.

— Dusty talks about how proud he is of Teddy Long because he wasn’t necessary
going to draw money but he was a good guy and he loved the business and never
became part of the problem despite all the shit he took. Long said he had many
opportunities to sue based on racial discrimination but he just wanted to do
his job and not deal with it.

— Atlas talked about being protected by the promoter George Scott, who was a
father figure to him. He told him to always be on time, do what you are asked
and stay away from white girls. Of course Tony married a white lady.

— Watts said he loved Ron Simmons and he had the pedigree of an All-American
athlete. He decided to pull the trigger on Simmons winning the title in
Baltimore and the people are crying. Dusty said when you go to the FSU football
locker room and see Simmons’ locker enclosed in glass you know he’s the real deal.

(Clips of Simmons beating Vader and it’s a beautiful moment seeing that kid
rush to the front of the crowd and almost jump over the railing. Looking around
the crowd closely there were lots of pockets of people going apeshit. Very cool)

— Atlas said he’s rode with guys that have showed him their Klan card (they
have cards??) but those same guys would stand by him and fight with him if he
needed it. He said if you are looking for racism you are looking in the wrong
business. Watts slows him down a bit and tells him he was a different guy and
everyone loved him because he was just so dog gone friendly. So he was lucky
and well protected (probably because he made everyone a lot of money).

— Watts said he didn’t care about any backlash to Simmons winning the title.
JR said he broke from tradition with the NWA lineage and all the white
champions. Teddy Long said that seeing Simmons as the champion during their
celebration in Atlanta was great because they were friends and he used to
manage him. Watts said that at the end of the day it was too big of a burden
for him and he tried too hard to please everyone. Long and JR agree that
Simmons struggled with the pressure (I wish Simmons could have been part of the
panel to talk about this. Hell the WWE should track him down now to talk about it).

— Atlas said Harley Race tried to convince the promoters to give him the NWA
belt several times, naturally Ole Anderson was against it because god knows if it will make money, Ole is against it.
Harley fought Atlas in Florida and when the fans thought Atlas won they rushed
the ring and Harley left the ring unnoticed, which told him that this guy was a larger-than-life figure. Harley’s favorite color was money green.

— JR brings up the Nation of Domination, at least later version with Farooq,
D-Lo Brown, The Godfather and The Rock. Teddy said it was good for the black fans of
wrestling and Ross says it might have been the first black-based faction on
wrestling TV. Teddy said there were a lot of black fans of wrestling but they
didn’t come to the events because there weren’t many black stars to support. He
talks about Doom having the support of the few black fans that were at live WCW

— Dusty said The Rock was going to be a megastar, maybe he was bigger than
Austin, maybe not. Dusty goes back to the Nation of Domination and how they
took it to the edge.

(Clips of Farooq cutting an in-ring promo with Vince in 1997. I’m a mark for
Ron Simmons’ heel promos.)

— Atlas compared the Rock to Elvis with his unique look and said a guy with
that look come along once in a generation. Watts said the Rock had a humbleness
about him and always took time to talk to the older guys. He was never too busy
to have a conversation with someone like Watts, even though he was no longer a
factor in the business.

(Clips of the Rock doing Rock things and making fun of everyone he can find.)

— They talk about the current black stars (as of 2009) like Shelton Benjamin,
MVP, Mark Henry, etc. He said that Pat Patterson introduced JR to the Rock as “Rocky
Johnson’s kid”. Ross said he thought he was seeing a mirage, he couldn’t
believe this guy was real and the rest is history. Watts says the Rock doesn’t
see color and that’s where we all need to evolve.

— Teddy closes by saying that he’s had a chance to work for everyone on the
panel. He wasn’t “the color green” but to sit here with the guys that gave him
the opportunity it’s history for him and it’s not just black history, it’s
history. Teddy comes across so well in this panel, a super likeable guy.

Bottom Line: Lot of good stuff there. Lot of great stories and definitely worth
the hour and 15 minutes of your time if you are interested in such a thing.

Recap – Legends’ House: SEASON FINALE!

This week on Legends’ House, it’s over!

Last week on Legends’ House, the guys roasted Roddy, and Pat Patterson almost said something.

So, sorry this is late.  I was without internet until Sunday, then I bought a new car and have been battling the DMV and dealership to get their shit together and just give me my God Damn plates.  Oh, and the air conditioning is out at my house.  Oh, and no one really cares about these recaps that much anyway.  But seriously, sorry – I hate being late in any circumstances, but life sorta happened.

Morning.  Fink is walking his laps around the tennis court, and he says he had trouble getting to sleep the previous night, because it was so emotionally draining.  They show Pat snoring, fully dressed, but with his gut exposed and belt and zipper undone.  No wonder Fink had trouble sleeping.  Hillbilly says all the guys are still trying to process what happened last night.  I know this is for the “drama” of the “show”, but I really thought everyone kinda knew about Pat already – so I’m not sure what there is to process, really.  He says that Pat has been carrying a weight around for so many years, and that he’s “sure there’s going to be a lot more to come out of that, and he can’t wait to see where it goes.” 

Now it’s Ashley time, and Tony refers to her as Hacksaw’s girlfriend.  I guess they’re getting along better now.   She announces that it’s her last morning with the guys, and all the guys are like, “Nooooo”.  Jimmy Hart apparently hates her, as he sarcastically says he’s going to shed a tear.  And this week’s contrivance is that the guys are going to be throwing a farewell party for, apparently, the entirety of Palm Springs.  HBJ is excited about the idea.  And, oh no, all the guys are going to perform the song that HBJ and Jimmy Hart have been working on.  Remember a few weeks ago, when they were working on a song?  I guess it’s that.  Ashley goes on to say that there will also be a live band to help out, and “Pat, if you want to, you’ll finally get the chance to…” Really?  There going to make him come out at a farewell party?  Ashley continues, “…sing”.  Oh.  That’s probably going to be far less socially acceptable.  Pat talks about how he’s not good at karaoke but good with a band, or something.  Whatever.  Roddy suggests a group hug, and Ashley wishes she never quit the Pussycat Dolls.  Then someone pantsed Fink, and ew.  They start an “Ashley” chant, because, as wrestlers, that’s how they’ve been taught to express positive emotional bonds.

Roddy explains to us what Ashley just explained to us, and, maybe someone can help me here – Finkel is going to “come out of the song closet” and Roddy is going to play “electric bagpipes”?  Those are all words, in English, but I don’t understand them in that order.  And holy fuck, there really IS such a thing as “electric bagpipes”.  Dude, I can’t wait to see this “song closet”.  And Roddy can really play, as he came in fifth in the world in playing bagpipes a ways back.  No offense, Roddy, but I think I came in sixth in the world in playing bagpipes, and I’ve never played bagpipes.  That’s like being the runner up in vuvuzuela.  It’s just noise.  Ok, yes, I know there’s more to it than that, and Roddy does seem to have some skill.  And then Hacksaw covers his ears and screams “The noise!  The noise!” and I’m sad because Hacksaw and I are apparently on the same wavelength on this one.

All the guys are sitting around as Jimmy and Jim are going to demo the song for them.  They are trying to get everyone in line and cover the whole arrangement, and Roddy can play harmonica too?  Cool.  Hillbilly says he’s not going to “be surprised if these guys kick their heels up a little bit, if you know what I mean.”  No, I really don’t.  I’ve given up on knowing what you mean.  Anyway, Jimmy is happy with everyone’s involvement, but then we immediately focus back on Pat, who tells us how heavy it got last night, because everyone started to get to know each other.  That was kind of an abrupt shift in moods, but I’ve also given up on logical story progression or editing.  Pat says he has one more chance to let people know who he really is.

Later, they all go to a pretty nice looking steakhouse for the “final supper”.  I laughed aloud, as Fink reads a menu item to Jimmy as, “sweet corn roasted with cumin”, but pronounces it like “cummin” instead of “CUE-min”.  This guy got paid to speak in front of millions of people.  Jimmy asks for it without the “cummin”.  Pat reads the menu aloud and says “Drunken shrimp?  Sounds like Gene Okerlund.”  Funny!  The guys joke around with each other and Roddy says, “We love having fun.  That’s one thing all the guys have in common.”  I think that’s one thing every creature has in common, but ok.   They’re all sitting around and talking about the experience, and what they’ve learned from each other, and this, again, is (or would be) the strength of this show, in my opinion.  It’s neat to just see these guys interact with each other, instead of playing golf cart polo or LARPing.  Hillbilly says some of his typical positive stuff, and how he’s had a wonderful time, and will be sad to leave.  Tony says that Gary Busey was the best part of the whole experience.  Jesus, I really forgot about that completely.  And now they’re reminiscing about all their “missions” that they had to do over the course of this thing.  It’s cute, but we’ve seen all of it.  Tony talks about how he loves and respects all the guys more then he ever did, and says that they are all the weirdest people he’s ever met.  Gene says, “Coming from you, that’s a compliment.”  I’m not sure what that meant, but all the guys laughed, so, ok.  They get their food, and it looks wonderful.  Lobster, steak, and …Jimmy’s having a baked potato and corn. 

Pat wants to “try one thing serious”.  He asks for everyone to share the biggest moment…of their life.  That’s a weird question, and a pretty obvious set up for him to share something himself.  Like when someone posts on Facebook, “I’m so sad – I don’t want to talk about it.”  It could be interesting, though.  Let’s see.  Gene’s is when Piper got in a fake fight in New York or something.  I don’t recognize the clip.  Hacksaw’s is when he got to wrestle Andre.  Pretty awesome.  Tony says he was basically homeless in 89, and a lady, who couldn’t even speak English, saw him sleeping in the park in the freezing winter, took him in, and essentially saved his life.  And then he married her.  That’s a pretty great story.  Hillbilly’s was when he was able to buy his mother her first house and car.  Also very sweet.  Weird, Gene is going again, so I guess he wasn’t serious about the Roddy thing.  Gene starts crying about his wife giving him a kidney, and now everyone’s crying.  Man, these are all good.  Jimmy’s up and talks about his daughter passing, and everyone feels bad for picking on him the whole time.  Apparently none of the guys knew.  This is fucking heartbreaking.  Tony says that Jimmy is the toughest guy in the house.  He said that everyone picks on Jimmy so much because he’s so small.  And, Hacksaw’s going again – this is so weird.  He was in a bad car accident that apparently ended up killing his wife.  Christ, dude.  Also, Pat keeps saying, literally, over and over throughout this whole thing, about how it feels good to get all this out, and how they are really real people and not just wrestlers, and …just say it, man.  I cannot pretend to know how difficult it must be for him (or anyone) to come out, but…I don’t know.  The way this is cut together is weird, or something.  I mean, it’s obviously building to Pat’s big admission, but these guys have suffered some pretty horrific things.  Being gay is not a horrific thing.  In fact, on the rankings list of things these guys have gone through, I’d put losing your loved ones way over any kind of sexual preferences that you may or may not have.  Again, I’m not saying it’s easy at all, and I know it cannot be healthy or good to have to live with a secret like that, but, I don’t know.  I’m not sure I’m expressing myself well here, but admitting you’re gay seems far less significant than some of these other stories.  Anyway, Fink admits to being bullied, and cries.  He’s now proud of his success, and all the guys clap for him.  And now, Pat’s turn.  He talks about how he basically started with nothing, and ended up working with Vince.  He slowly builds up to it and finally says it.  Good for him.  Seriously.  What a weight off his shoulders.  None of the guys seem especially surprised, and neither am I, because I thought we all knew.  Also, it appears that Pat is drinking a cranberry vodka, so that kind of tipped the whole thing off. 

We’re immediately at the party, and Pat is excited – not for the party, but to get the fuck out of there.  Bunch of people hanging out, and Gene awkwardly flirts with Ashley.  He hilariously fills up nearly an entire pint glass with vodka and hands it to her.  A cute little, inconsequential scene.  Then we cut ahead to later that evening, and Gene is intro’ing the guys to the crowd.  Roddy starts off by playing his electric bagpipe.  Pretty neat.  Next up are Jimmy Hart and Hillbilly Jim, who call up the rest of the Legends onto the stage.  They do the song, and it…uh, doesn’t sound great, but whatever.  It’s fun enough.  Tony starts dancing, and some octogenarian starts throwing singles at him.  Tony tells us that he and Hacksaw are best friends now as the terrible song keeps going and finally ends.  Gene brings Pat up on stage to sing by himself as the “culmination”.  He sings, of course, “My Way”.  He’s not awful, he’s not great, but his pronunciation is funny.  Like, “and more…much more dan dis, I did it my way”.  Oof, they’re showing the whole thing.  Well, less I have to type, so that’s cool.  Party’s over.

Next morning, everyone is packing up.  Roddy is sad to be going.  They all sign their respective pictures, and the first car is there to pick them up.  Jimmy, in a shaky voice, tells Tony that he is first to go, and so he says his goodbyes to everyone.  Pat tells him that he was a pain in the ass sometimes, but it felt pretty good.  Ew.  They all mock his laugh after he leaves.  Next to go is Hillbilly, who hugs and says his stuff.  Jimmy Hart leaves next, and says what a great time he’s had.  Then Fink leaves, describing the experience as the time of his life.  Gene says bye to everyone and rolls out.  I’m running out of ways to say “blank” leaves and had a “blank” time.  Pat literally sprints out of there.  The last two out are Hacksaw and Roddy, and they say they love each other.  Roddy cries and tells us he’s learned a lot as he plays the piano.  Huh, there’s a piano. 

Ok, final thoughts – this was a really nice episode that kind of reinforces my point throughout all of this.  These are guys are interesting characters and this could have been a far more interesting show if it weren’t so concerned with being a typical, early 2000’s era “reality show”.  Maybe this would have worked better as a documentary.  They all seemed nice, they all had their quirks, and they all seemed like they enjoyed the experience of getting to know each other.  The “show” show, was at times, excruciatingly bad, but there were enough good moments that, if you’re ever forced to watch it and recap it in the future, it’s probably worth doing.

And that is it!  Thanks to Scott for letting me do this, thanks to those of you who read this, and thanks to me for doing it.  If there’s a “reunion show”, I’ll write that one up too.  Take care, guys!

Recap – Legends’ House: Episode 8

This week on Legends’ House – The guys roast Roddy Piper!

Previously on Legends’ House – They played a “How well do you know your roommates” game, and then Shawn Michaels came by and was as bored as the rest of us.

Get comfy, this is gonna be a long one.

Before we get started, I have to say that I am equal parts wary and excited about this episode.  As a stand up comic, I have performed in a handful of roasts, and watched many more.  That said, I typically hate them.  In the writing sense, I’ve always found them to be a neat exercise to try out something different than I normally do, and to work out creative muscles that I wouldn’t typically use.  Then again, they are almost ALWAYS the same.  If you’ve seen a Comedy Central Roast (and this is less typical of the official, original Friar’s Club Roasts), you will have noticed a pattern.  The roast-ee is always either “fat”, “gay”, or, if female, a “whore”.  Rinse and repeat endlessly.  For every Jeffrey Ross “Drew Carey is to comedy as Mariah Carey is …to comedy” brilliant line, there are literally hours of the same joke just twisted by adding a different name to it.  And these are professional comics and joke writers.  I’m frightened and semi-excited to see what these guys come up with.


Finkel says to Duggan, “Your buddy is coming.”  Hacksaw immediately jumps up and starts pounding on the windows like an ape to show his excitement of Roddy returning.   Roddy and Fink and Duggan all hug, and everyone seems genuinely happy that Roddy’s back.  It’s cute.  Roddy admits that he missed being in the house, but then immediately retreats on that, saying, “Now that I’m back, I don’t know why I missed it.”  Roddy and Hacksaw head off to their room, and Roddy is showing Hacksaw his re-hair-ified chest, because that’s what roomies do, and then we flash back to the waxing scene.  Neato.

Ashley is here!  Hillbilly is tongue tied (or maybe that’s just how he always talks), as he tells her she is “smokingly good lookin today, young luh-girl.”  And, yeah, she is.  She tells the guys that they will be performing a roast – and then explains what that is.  Basically, they’re going to do stand up comedy where the intent is to make fun of all the people on the panel (the roommates, in this case), but even more importantly, the guest of honor, which is Roddy.  Roddy wants to “scissors paper rock” for it, but no.  They have the rest of the day and tomorrow to write their jokes.  Hillbilly lets us know again what a roast is, but also adds, “It’s supposed to be light humored”, which, yes and no.   Roddy tells the guys to not be afraid of hurting his feelings.  Hillbilly starts off early, saying “Roddy Piper is to sensitivity what Captain Hook is to masturbation.”  Not horrendous, but it doesn’t really make sense.  Isn’t Roddy overly sensitive?  Maybe he meant that Captain Hook, in an effort to draw attention from his hook hand is always masturbating with his regular hand?  I hadn’t read that in Peter Pan, but I also haven’t read Peter Pan.  Anyway, all the guys loved it.  Know your audience.  Roddy sits opposite them and does his “I can’t believe it” thing with his head shake that he does in every situation, and Tony says, “Roddy, you’re safe with me.  I can’t think of one thing.”  Heh.  Tony adds that when he was a kid, he used to get a “whoopin for doing that.”  Performing stand up comedy?  Pat reassures him that he will come up with something.  Roddy suggests drinking heavily.

All the guys are writing their jokes.  I have little to no faith any of them will be any good, but it’s neat to see.  It would be even cooler if they sat around and did a roundtable (Roddy not included, of course), so we could hear the thought processes behind their jokes, and how they pitch new punchlines and bat around shit, but that’s asking way too much.  I suppose you want the element of surprise in a roast.  I guess I approve.  Roddy points out how quiet the house is, and how everyone is taking this seriously.  They show Mean Gene’s page, and I don’t really think there are any jokes on there.  It’s impossible to read, though.  I think I make out the words, “Up cunty”, which is hilarious, but it could also be “Up early”.  Please, God, let it be “Up cunty.”  Gene laughs at his joke pad.  Hillbilly goes up to Roddy and discusses his game plan of doing five minutes on him and five minutes on “the other schmucks, I mean Legends”, which is a great plan.  Tony is in the room struggling, and says his brain went dead.  He then informs us of his ongoing struggle that makes this difficult for him – his mom told him to “make fun of (himself), not no one else”.  And then Gene tells Roddy that he’s going to just destroy Roddy with the brutality of his jokes.  I hope he says “Holy Balls!”  I bet he does.

Next day (maybe), three guys walk in.  One is Guy Torry, who introduces himself as the Roastmaster.  I thought for a second he was the person who replaced Martin Lawrence as the host of Def Comedy Jam, but it turns out that was his brother Joe Torry, who I thought was the person who replaced Buck Showalter as the manager of the Yankees.  Anyway, I’ve heard of him, at least tangentially.  Dan Ahdoot and Ben Gleib are the other two guys, and they are here to offer assistance with the joke writing process.  That kinda sucks in a way.  I mean, it would probably be borderline unwatchable (I know) if they didn’t have pro comics help out with the framework and timing, but, it would be way more authentic and interesting if they just went out there with what they had.  I love watching people bomb.  Not saying they would, even though I think they would, but it’s just another level removed from reality that this show seems to so desparately want to veer away from at all costs, when it’s actually what I would think the core audience for this show would most want to see.  Whatever, dead horse.  This could still be interesting.  Roddy and Guy will be going to a secret location to write his jokes, and the other two will stay at the house with the other guys.

Gene and Pat and the two comics are standing outside, and Gene says something not so funny, and the comics force laughter and say “The roast has begun!”  And here we go, Gene starts off with a joke: “Hillbilly Jim said it was tough being a celebrity – he had a girl pounding on his door until 5am.  Finally he got up and let her out.”  Ok, I mean, that’s a joke, but this is my problem with roasts.  First of all, that’s like, a joke that’s been done a million times.  Secondly, that’s not even really taking on any aspect of Hillbilly’s personality.  It’s just a “(insert name here) (insert insult here)” thing.  But, I will say, I’ve seen HUNDREDS of people try to do standup without any jokes, so, in all seriousness, major fucking kudos to Gene for actually knowing what a joke is.  One of the comics forces laughter at Gene’s joke as if he’s never heard that before, and reminds him to not be afraid to insult anyone.  And then, I fucking crack up as Gene says, “The writers gave me two pages of notes, that I would say…were absolute garbage.”  Gene, I take back all my negative cracks at you, for now.  That was awesome and probably 100% true.  And then, this is gonna hurt – the comics meet with Hacksaw.  We get a glimpse of his legal pad, and he wrote so big that there are only like 9 lines of text (about four words apiece) that take up the entire sheet.  This is going to be great.  Hacksaw’s first joke, “You know Tony, he’s argued with everyone in the house, except one person, but the other day he got him.  I walked by and he was arguing with the mirror.”  One of the comics can’t even force a laugh, but says, “That’s cool.” I’m dying.  The comic dude says that Hacksaw was good at knowing which jokes he thought were funny and which ones weren’t but if he takes their notes, he’s gonna be great up there.  Oh, please please please don’t let Hacksaw take their notes.

And now it’s Pat’s turn, “When Piper was a little kid he used to play in the sandbox and the cat would bury him”.  Me and the comedians sigh, but then Pat adds, “Because he’s cat poop and they bury their shit”.  I fucking howl.  I love that Pat thinks the reason no one laughed is because we didn’t get it, as the comedian guy says, “right, right right”.  The comic rearranges the dumb joke for Pat to make it make more sense or whatever, and Pat says “I think that’s cool.”  Now Jimmy’s up, and oh dear.  “You know, we always have dinner here at the Legends’ House, but Piper refuses to eat with us unless we play his entrance music.  You know (and then he hums it).   The comic guy says that Jimmy’s jokes were very “insider”, and what he means by “insider”, is that you wouldn’t get them unless you were Jimmy.  Oh my God, this is so great.    Jimmy says another joke, and it’s just so fucking much of a non-joke.  The comic guy (I’m sorry I don’t remember his name) basically re-writes Jimmy’s jokes for him, and Jimmy seems happy.  Now off to Hillbilly Jim, and I can’t understand anything he says, and they only show him for three seconds anyway, as we get to the main event, Tony Atlas.  He lets the other comic know that his momma told him not to make fun of other people, so this is this worst thing that he’s ever done.  I somehow doubt that.  Anyway, the comic guy tries to talk Tony into it, and Tony is basically refusing and telling his whole life story.  The comic guy describes the writing session as “intense and dramatic”, and I’m sure it fucking would be.  As much as I’d love to see Tony go up there and tell what he thinks are jokes, at this point I’d just tell him to paint a picture of Roddy as a clown and be done with it.  He’s just not cut out for this at all.  The comic guy finally looks at Tony’s pad, and says “This is not how you write comedy.”  Well, geez, dick.  Tony says that these are just notes, and how he’s going to do it, “like here, I’m going to come out and laugh”.  The comic asks him to show him, and Tony obliges with his donkey laugh and says “That Piper’s the funniest man I know (laughing), as the comic looks into the camera with an amused yet frightened glance.  Tony looks at him and says, “See? You’re laughin.  Then I got em.”  Comic guy says that most comics don’t laugh at the end of their own jokes, and Tony laughing at the beginning might confuse and frighten them.   Next up is Finkel, and he delivers a joke that the comic guy doesn’t laugh at, but it’s actually not awful, compared to the other guys.  Then he tells another one and it’s death.  He’s basically refusing to be mean, and the comic says that Fink would be the biggest challenge.  Whatever.  You weren’t up there with Tony and the other guy.

We see Roddy and Guy walk into the secret location.  I guess they’re at a comedy club, but it’s hard to tell.  They’re in a dressing room/green room anyway.  I’m guessing Guy wrote this one, “Hacksaw is so dumb, he was once considered the white Tony Atlas.”  Roddy loves it but doesn’t want to hurt their feelings.  Guy reminds him that he needs to not hold back at all, and Roddy tells us how brutal he can be.  Guy has confidence in Roddy’s abilities, and Gene thinks there might actually be a fight.

The surprisingly small crowd files in, and the roast is starting.  Guy introduces all the Legends.  Hillbilly feels good about his chances in this.  Roddy mentions again that he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but if they are mean to him, he’ll hit back.  And then, holy fuck, the Iron Sheik is there as a special guest.  Tony describes him as a wonderful guy.  Hillbilly Jim starts off, and says “brother” 150 times.  They do the Comedy Central editing thing as he tells some not very good jokes, but cut to people in the crowd laughing and smiling, clearly at different things than what is actually being said.  Gene makes a pretty funny joke about how poor Tony was growing up, and then one at Finkel’s expense.  Then they cut to Pat and he is horrendous.  Guy introduces the Iron Sheik by saying, “The Rock wanted to be here tonight, but was afraid the Iron Sheik was gonna smoke him.”  Pretty good!  I can’t understand what Sheik is saying, and neither can Pat or anyone else.  Oh my God, this is so weird, as expected.  Pat redeems himself by saying in voice over, “I laughed, he was on tonight.  He had something.”  Yeah, more than likely.  They show Jimmy re-reading his notes, and he’s up next.  He tells his jokes, and the editing team cuts in crickets between his lines.  I mean, he’s absolutely terrible, but he’s really not much worse than the other guys.  Wait, he just completely ruined a joke, so cricket away, editing team!  Hacksaw steps up and makes a show of throwing away the stuff that the writers gave him, so this could be great.  Sadly, it’s not, until Hacksaw tells us how “quick-witted” he is.  Finkel goes up next and dies.  I seriously cannot even imagine how wonderful and awful this whole thing would be if it weren’t considerably edited.  Oh God, Tony is up next.  He makes a joke about Roddy putting him in a headlock and something about squeezing a blackhead, and then jokes about how Roddy fucked his wife and Tony’s kids are actually Roddy’s illegitimate children.  Pat tells us how great Tony did.  And finally, Roddy goes up.  Roddy’s tells jokes that he clearly didn’t write, but they’re still just ok.  Either way, it’s decent enough, I guess.  Just standard roast stuff.  It’s over, and Gene thought it was incredible. 

Back at the house, the guys walk in, and Roddy tells the guys that he is thankful that no one really went for the really hurtful stuff, and that he loves them.  Yes, that is good.  It wasn’t ever going to be all that funny, so may as well not just be mean for no reason.  Roddy says that, with the roast being done, they all only have one and a half more days together(!), as they sit down for dinner.  Pat comments that they all seem to be getting closer.  Pat asks the group what they think they are supposed to be (within the context of the house).  Hillbilly answers, “ourselves”.  Which, yes.  Pat says Hillbilly is himself, and that he (Pat) wants to be himself, but he feels trapped by his character sometimes.  Tony says he doesn’t feel comfortable here, and is more relaxed at home.  “If we were so relaxed, why do we get so angry over every little thing?”, asks Tony.  “I haven’t gotten mad about anything”, answers Hillbilly.  “See?  There you go, you’re so defensive!” says Tony, completely serious, who throws his hands up.  HA.  Gene asks the table who feels like they’re walking on eggshells,  Jimmy Hart says he isn’t, Duggan says he is, and then as Finkel hems and haws over his answer, he and Roddy get into a fight.  Roddy hits Finkel on the shoulder and says, “Hey, this is for men.  Quit being a fucking pussy and put your hand up yes or no.”  Roddy then tells us that if you can’t take a stand, you deserve to be backhanded right out of the house.  This is kind of out of nowhere and weird.  Roddy seems genuinely pissed, as Finkel says he’s not walking on eggshells.  Roddy says, “yeah, you fuckin are too!”.  Pat reaches to restrain(!?) Fink, who really just wants to be around all the guys, and doesn’t seem to understand where the fuck Roddy is coming from.  Gene jumps on the “I hate Finkel” train, and says that Finkel is walking on eggshells more than anyone.  What a fucking weird argument to have.  Roddy brings up the limo thing where Finkel sat in the most prestigious seat, from what seems like years ago, and he’s still pissed about it.  Roddy tells Finkel to his face that he didn’t belong in that seat, and Finkel answers, “Yes sir.”  Pat jumps in, agreeing with Roddy, and stops just short of saying that no one knows who Finkel is, but definitely teases that point.  Basically, they hate Fink because he wasn’t a wrestler.  And then, somehow, the argument is over, as Finkel reaches over and hugs Roddy.  Um, no.  Roddy was being a cock, and you should have hit him with a coconut.  Pat starts talking and Roddy hilariously says, “Pat’s opening up, and sharing stuff that you normally shouldn’t.”  Pat’s speech so far, consists of repeatedly saying how he wants to set the record straight, and how he doesn’t want to be phony, and it’s time to tell the truth about records being set straight and not succumbing to phoniness.  Roddy has tears in his eyes, and I’m guessing Pat’s going to mention the gay thing.  “I know I won’t be in the main event at Wrestlemania, I know I won’t be in Madison Square Garden, and this is my chance to say…HUHWAHHHH!”.  Huh?  Pat wants to be free and say who he is, but he says he’s holding it in right now.  Is he not “out”?  I thought it was kind of a known thing that he was gay, but I don’t know.   I’m sure all the guys know.  And then Pat says, “I’ll stop there, ok?”  Gene is crying, Pat is crying, Jimmy hugs him from the back.  Jimmy says that Pat is tip-toeing around it, but they all knew what he was talking about.  So, I guess this whole speech is for our (the viewers’) benefit.  Anyway, Pat goes to bed without “admitting” anything, and whatever.  Gene voiceovers that he will be by Pat’s side and will “live with” whatever Pat wants to do.  A strange choice of words, but I don’t think he was being malicious or bigoted.  Jimmy is hopeful that Pat will finally finish his thought, because it’s so important to him.  It’s just sad that Pat feels like he can’t be completely open about this for whatever reason, but I understand.  It’s not like homosexuality is completely accepted even now, in 2014, but he lived through some seriously rough times in an industry where he probably really had to hide.

Tony and Jimmy are eating, and Tony is concerned about Jimmy.  Apparently, one of Jimmy’s daughters died a year ago, and it’s still affecting him (obviously, but still).  It hit Tony so hard he couldn’t eat any more.  I’m not going to make fun of this.  Jimmy feels that this experience is like having his family, and he breaks down.  Tony runs over and hugs him as Jimmy cries.  Tony says that Jimmy is now his hero, and Jimmy says that that dinner is what brought this all on.  Anyway, this was the best episode yet, so for all of you who were bitching about my negativity, I got two words for ya…SEASON FINALE.

Recap: Legends’ House – Episode 7

This week, on Legends’ House,  the guys play “How well do you know your roommates?”, and then, apparently, Shawn Michaels drops by.

Previously, on Legends’ House, they LARPed and complained about smelly food some more.

Daytime.  Gene voiceovers that they “hit some little joint, downtown Palm Springs”.  Just when I think this could be a genuinely good episode, I realize he’s talking about a restaurant.  He says that he was looking forward to getting out of the house because “some guys get on your nerves”.  And, because the editing team thinks that we are also a bunch of dopes, they make a point to focus on Jimmy Hart again.   Gene complains how Jimmy talks a lot, and then the guys order breakfast.  Jimmy really is a fucking weirdo, though, as he orders Minestrone soup and a wedge of lettuce.  For breakfast.  I’ve never even heard of someone ordering a wedge of lettuce.  They clink their glasses together and toast “to breakfast”.  That’s creative.  Gene goes on to say that they usually don’t get together as a full group of 8.  Meanwhile, ALL they’ve been doing is getting together as a fucking group of 8.  I need a beer.  Gene steals my thunder by saying, essentially, “I thought something was going to happen, but it didn’t.  Nothing happened.”  That’s the God Damn truth.  He’s referring to breakfast, my vision is a bit wider.  And that’s all for breakfast.

Everyone is on edge coming back from breakfast, and Ashley is already inside.  They’ve got a a game show set up in the house, and she instructs the guys to sit at their assigned seats.  The host comes out and tells them the plot of the game.  It’s basically “The Newlywed Game”, or, for those of you born later than I, “probably not worth watching”.  Pat says to us that he and Finkel have a real good chance of winning, since they’re good roommates.  And then he rolls his eyes for some unknown and probably non-existent reason.  The host does his patter with the guys, and when he gets around to Tony, Tony either burps or growls at him.  These people are really weird.  So anyway, to explain the dumb game – in the first round, at least, half the guys have to leave, and the other half have to answer silly (and possibly wacky) questions about them.  Then, I’m guessing here, the guys who left will then come back and try to match the silly (and possibly wacky) answers that their roomies gave.  Oh, and Ashley looks pretty hot.  Hacksaw says that he and Roddy have become good friends, but have only recently gotten to know each other, but everyone else has been friends for years, so he and Roddy are at a disadvantage.  First question to Hillbilly is “What do you think Jimmy (Hart) would say is his favorite thing to eat?”  Heh, the editing team put in a fake game show laugh track, which increased my enjoyment of this immensely.  Hillbilly’s answer is “Beans and potatoes”, which I don’t think is a euphemism.  Same question for Hacksaw, who answers “Pot Roast”.  Gene says that Tony likes “Chitlins”, and Fink says Pat likes “Toast”.  Oh, for fuck’s sake.  Pot Roast is the only slightly acceptable answer on there, and it’s just barely fucking acceptable.  Whose favorite food is toast?  Next question is, “What is your roommate’s most annoying habit?” Fink and Hacksaw say that the other guys will say “Snoring”, HBJ says “Too much energy”, and Gene also says, “Snoring, I think he might fart through his nose.”  The laugh track laughs, but I didn’t, because.  Next question is “Ugly ugly ugly.  That’s all I think of when I see my roommate’s ____.” Hacksaw was going to say testicles or butthole, but he goes with “scars”.  Gene confusingly answers “talk”.  Finkel says “messed up hair”, and Hillbilly says, “scratches that he got on his right legs.”  Or maybe he said “white legs”.  I really don’t know.  The other half come back in.  Pat knows what Finkel hates about him, Jimmy says his alarm clock (wrong), Roddy and Hacksaw really do act like newlyweds, and they get it right.  Tony’s answer is snoring, and got it right.  This is so stupid.  Can I not recap this?  Well, HBJ and Jimmy got the food thing right, as did Hacksaw and Roddy, who everyone thinks are cheating now.  Tony and Gene got it right too, and Pat fucks it up and RUINS IT.  Actually, he just got the question wrong.  Roddy gets the “ugly ugly ugly” question wrong, and taps Hacksaw on the arm and says, “Sorry, honey”, which did not trigger the laugh track, although I did giggle a little.  Tony Atlas chews tobacco, and thusly got his answer wrong.  Pat thinks the answer is his ass, which he probably thinks is the answer to every question he’s ever been asked in any situation, but sadly, is wrong.  The two Jims get their answer right, and I’m seriously done caring about this.

Ugh, I just realized there’s going to be a round two, and presumably, a round three, of this death.  This is kind of the same feeling you get when you’re watching one of those Holiday themed Raws or SmackDowns, and they do that inevitable terrible “comedy” bits, where someone eats too much food, or people throw food, or whatever.  It’s awful and way too long.  You guys get how this works, right?  I don’t have to recap all the questions and answers, right?  Tell you what, I’ll watch it, and if anything funny or interesting or surprising happens, I’ll make sure I take note.  Deal?

So, that’s the end of the game, and…ok, fine.  One of the questions is asking the guys what their roomies wear to bed, the next is whether they need a chef, assistant, or trainer, and the third is, “what would your roomie do with a thousand dollars?”.  Thankfully, the editing team zips right through this.  The fourth question is, “What would your roommate say they couldn’t live without?”  The answers are uninteresting, and the other half of the guys come back in.  Ooh, and the host says this is the deciding round, where the winning couple will win the “Mystery Prize”.  Hacksaw admits to sleeping naked, usually, and it’s gross.  Everyone accuses Jimmy of cheating, and who cares.  Roddy whispers his answer to Hacksaw, thereby ACTUALLY cheating, and I still don’t ACTUALLY care.  Roddy cheats again, and this part is worth the price of admission.  It was the “name the one thing you can’t live without” thing, and Roddy whispers to Hacksaw that he answered “Wife…wife”.  Hacksaw, being a fucking block of wood, says, “Life”.  Which, you know, is technically correct.  You can’t live without life.  And they got it wrong.  Pat thinks it’s as funny as I do, but sadly, no laugh track to confirm it.  So, the Jims win, and Roddy admits to his cheating, and it’s pretty funny.  The Jims win an afternoon of private tennis lessons at the Legends’ House.  What a shit prize.

The next day, it’s Tennis Time!  The tennis chickies are probably 40’s ish, and pretty hot in a sun damaged, 40’s ish kind of way.  Gene calls them “the most beautiful women he’s ever seen” or something, and no.  But not bad.  Anyway, the guys suck at tennis, while Gene makes perverted “funny” comments on the side.  Gene asks Fink if the ladies qualify as “cougars”.  Not to you, they don’t, Gene.   And that’s all for tennis.

They sit around for dinner, and Roddy tells the guys he tells them he has to go sign autographs in Atlanta for a day or two, and Hacksaw is scared to be alone.  That’s literally that entire segment.  Hacksaw, the next day, tells us how much he misses Roddy.  “I think he’s coming back…not tonight, darn it.”  He really delivers this like a 5 year old, and it’s really weird.  The phone rings, and Hacksaw is hoping beyond hope that it’s Roddy on the phone, but it’s a wrong number.  He looks truly sad, or as truly sad as he can muster after being told by the producers to “act sad and pathetic while Roddy’s gone”.  Hacksaw then goes up to Pat and asks if he heard the phone ring.  He figured Roddy would call him, and Pat, hilariously, says, “Jesus, are you fucking falling in love with him?”   Hacksaw then calls and leaves his umpteenth message on Roddy’s voicemail, as he swings and kicks his feet like a little girl calling her crush.  This is really, really weird.  Hacksaw points out his position on a globe, and Roddy’s position on the globe, and how if they both look at the sky at night, they could both be wishing on the same star.  He then yells at the globe to call him.  The phone rings, and Hacksaw BOUNDS toward it, but it’s another wrong number.  He smashes the phone in frustration.

It’s morning, and everyone is waiting for Ashley to come in, but it’s SHAWN MICHAELS.  We get some clips about how great he is and was, and he busts in with a fishing pole.  Everyone is happy to see him, and happy to go fishing.  Tony both over and undersells it by saying, “Going fishing with Shawn Michaels is going to be one of the greatest experiences I’ve ever had…since I’ve been here.”  Well ok.  Gene makes a gay joke about himself and fishing, but also about Pat, and it’s all very confusing.  Shawn Michaels says for the 385th time that they’re going to go fishing, and have fun.  Got it, thank you.  Anyway, they get on the boat at some lake, and Pat doesn’t wanna bait the hook.  I always thought he was a master baiter – GET IT!?  Because…eh.  Gene invites Shawn to live with them, and Shawn declines, only moderately politely.  Tony, meanwhile, is talking to the fish, because he’s a dummy.  He then talks to Shawn about the “Chitlins Incident”, and Shawn visibly does not give a fuck.  No one is catching shit, until Howard finally hooks a branch of some kind.  Pat catches the first fish, then Duggan and Hillbilly both grab one.  Shawn says, “Sometimes people are under the impression that when you go fishing, something’s gotta happen for it to be a success.”  I swear, they are just doling out the meta references to this fucking show today.

Back at the house, the guys are gonna clean and cook the fish that they caught.  Which, unless they edited out the parts where they caught fish that were bigger than 8 inches, these ain’t them.  I am SHOCKED.  I thought this was REALITY.  Shawn says that if you’ve been in the WWE for any amount of time, you know how to survive.  He clearly has not been watching this show.  This group can’t even order delivery without going into the fetal position and asking for help.  Jimmy is talking and annoying everyone, especially Gene, who is cutting and cleaning the fish.  Now, I know again that this is completely contrived – but Jimmy really is fucking annoying.  Gene agrees, as he tells Jimmy to get the fuck out of the kitchen.  Shawn is mildly amused by the whole thing.  Heh, and then Jimmy is making his dumb potato in the oven, and his dumb sunglasses fall off into the oven.  The guys sit around eating, and talking about the business and how they deal with getting away and how the industry has changed, and of fucking course, the show completely glosses over it.  Well, you wouldn’t want to have to edit out the stupid Newlywed Game show.  Shawn leaves.  This was awful.

Recap: Legends’ House – Episode 6

This week, on Legends’ House, a bunch of grown men dress up in silly costumes and pretend to fight each other.  Hmm…

Previously, on Legends’ House, nothing.  Nothing happened last week.  Zero things.  Hopefully this LARPing will be more entertaining.  Scratch that, it will CERTAINLY be more entertaining.  Or at least AS entertaining.  It cannot, by the rules of physics and math and love and religion, be less entertaining.

The sun rises on a lovely, cloudless morning in Rancho Mirage.  The sun is a golden sphere, providing light and, eventually, sustenance, to all who bask in her majesty.  There is a cool breeze in the air, which belies the hotness of this mess of dogshit that I’m about to suffer through.  And we’re exactly back where we were last week, as the guys are complaining about the pigs’ feet being smelly.  Gene tells us, again, that everything is stinky.  We’re watching the guys clean out the refrigerator, and they don’t seem to know what simple foods or shapes are.  Jimmy feels Tony starting to flip out, and mentions that they have to walk on eggshells around him.  Jimmy sits down with a pile of shit in front of him, as Tony tells us that he’s an extremist – he’s either extremely horrible or extremely nice.  That seems about right.  He then adds, “I’m a screwed up guy.”  That seems about right.  Jimmy finally puts the pile of shit in front of him into the trash bag slightly to the left of him, and the guys mention that the food, a-mother fucking-gain, does not smell great.  Jimmy offers Gene some of the nasty crap in the bag, and Gene, in cute little shorty shorts, tells Jimmy to “Get the fuck outta here.”  Years from now, scholars will still be talking about “that one episode of Legends’ House where they cleaned the refrigerator.”  It was that good.

<I’m going to now say, this review is going to get a little bit on the dirty side.  If you have sensitive eyes, or just don’t want to hear about, um, various sexual things, you should probably just call it a day and not read the rest of this.  I’m not joking.  I’m not intentionally being overly dirty, but IT’S MY DUTY to share my thoughts on this episode, as unfiltered as I can make them>

Time elapses, and three fucking humongous dorks approach the house.  Tony says, hilariously, “Oh no!” (and you DO have to hear how he says it to appreciate it – it was very nearly terror in his voice).  One is dressed as possibly Gandalf with black hair (I don’t know), one is possibly a guy from 300, and third is just a run of the mill dork/nerd.  Fink says, “You don’t look like Ashley”, which makes Tony absolutely HOWL with laughter.  Another genuinely funny moment, as Tony is just fucking flying all over the couch laughing, and leans over to Hacksaw and brushes his shoulder in a “did you hear THAT?” type move, and Hacksaw just sort of opens his mouth and grunts.  He couldn’t even muster up the energy to fake chuckle or even smile.  It was amazing.  Finkel is intrigued by the nerd guys, as they go into their spiel about how they’re seeking the “8 Legends of the WWE”.  Piper says, “Keep going straight, and take a right.”  Heh.  They go on to tell the guys they’ve been chosen to play the heroes in a live action role play, or LARP.  Pat kills me by repeating, “Larp?” Ok, this ONE time, guys, I will accept the “this is out of my comfort zone” or “this is weird” stuff.  And full disclosure, I am a video game fan – not necessarily RPGs, but I suppose I’m at least on the periphery of nerdiness that these three inhabit.  I’m saying I shouldn’t look down on these guys, because I fly imaginary spaceships and throw imaginary footballs and shit on my TV pretty regularly.  That said, sight unseen, I’m going to go ahead and say this (LARPing) is super duper dorky, as opposed to my regular duper dorkiness.  “Princess Ashley” has been kidnapped and taken to another realm, the 300-ish guy says, and I can’t even imagine the amount of semen stains that actually talking to a human female must have caused these poor guys.  Oh for God’s sake, the guy pulls out her shoe, and says “This is all that was left”.  That poor, now crusty, shoe.  Tony flips out as I’m typing that, and grabs the shoe and sniffs it and makes a googly eyed, tongue sticking out, foot fetishy, disgusting, I quit watching this show now please face.  Tony then goes on to admit that he’s a foot freak, and then lists every type of footwear he can think of.  No further comments on this.  Hacksaw says that Tony needs to go back in his room for a little while.  Ok, one further comment.  Ew.

And now, the guys are going to be “tested” to see if they’re “ready”, and Roddy does his standard “Aw geez” thing.  I’m kinda with ya on this one, Roddy.  But come on.  I’m being a little unfair.  These guys are dorks, but it’s probably harmless and possibly fun.  I wouldn’t do it as a weekend activity, but if I were on a reality show where this was the test of the week, I’d go for it.  Hillbilly says some stuff.  He’s wearing a blouse.    Tony then jokes about how he’s going to masturbate into the shoe.  No, really.  Not in so many words, but yeah.  Jimmy says, “I think we should leave her tied up.”  There’s a table outside with a bunch of “weapons” on it, and the guys all get to choose one.  Apparently all the weapons have a bunch of magical spells attached to them.  Huh.  So, Jimmy’s hammer has the power of fear, and if he holds it up and says “fear”, the enemies have to split and make way for 10 seconds or something like that.  I didn’t know there were rules or anything.  Roddy wants a dildo.  No, really, he said that.  One of the nerds offers Hacksaw “The 2×4 of King Doogan”, and Hacksaw corrects his pronunciation.  Then it’s the “Spear of Mean Gene”, which looks like a microphone.  Gene’s dumb spear makes him a wizard, and he can heal people.  Tony gets a bow and arrow, Fink gets some baseball bat thing, Pat gets an axe, and Roddy gets some kind of hot rod engine sword thing.  His has instant kills.  300 nerd now leads the practice and shows them how to pull their punches or strikes or whatever, so they don’t actually hurt each other.  So I guess they actually hit people.  Also, do not hit anyone in the balls.  Those are the rules.  Hillbilly and the editors make the point that I made earlier, how this is pretty similar to pro wrestling.  And we’re off to save Ashley.

The guys walk into a costume shop to get their probably dumb costumes.  Gene again explains to us what LARPing is, which, I mean, come on.  The guys all get to choose their own outfits, guaranteeing they will be extra stupid.  They all make the dumbest jokes ever while trying on costumes.  Hacksaw tries on some kind of furry viking suit and bunny ears, which is surprisingly awesome, as he hops at Roddy, who loves it.  I guess he opted out of the bunny ears, because now he has a viking helmet, which is far less awesome, and I should have expected that.  Roddy wants a kilt, of course.  Tony has some kind of gladiator thing, Finkel is a jester or poet, and Pat is a pimp.  Jimmy is dressed as Elvis, and Roddy is making very strange sounds while getting dressed.

Now the guys are painting their faces  – Roddy loves it.  He’s got a Braveheart thing going on.  Tony says something about going back in the time where “mens were mens, and womens were glad of it, and we’re going into ‘conbat'”.  And then he growls.  Ok, fine.  It’s cute that all the guys are cool with this, as they should be.  And now, also cute, the editing team put together a little intro with each of the guys in their roles with fire and shit behind them.   They’re now in some lot, and the nerd informs them they all will now have to be in character.  Roddy is leading the guys and makes a silly speech to rile up his troops.  Hacksaw tries to emulate the manner of speaking, but just sounds kinda dumb, but again, good for him for trying and seemingly having fun.  Just then, some nerd leads a half-dressed Princess Ashley, hands tied together, out to the guys.  Hmm, I wonder what Tony did with that shoe.  The “Warlock” who has Ashley calls the guys a bunch of pussies (in LARP speak), and Tony approaches him, trying his darndest to speak in that mannered accent and renaissance-y weirdness, but not quite pulling it off.  He walks up the hill toward where Ashley and the Warlock are, and I just realized I’m recapping a LARPing session.  Anyway, his army presents itself, and it’s like 30 dudes (including, shockingly, at least one girl).  Gene says – everyone together now…”Holy Balls”.  Jimmy runs away, and Roddy tries to call a time out.  Heh.  Tony then says, in his weird, trying but not pulling it off accent, “When upon the hill, came a massive army!  And I thought to myself, ‘you in the hood now, brotha, let’s rock'”.  Aw, well done, Tony.  That was funny and very well-timed.  And now the army attacks and it’s just chaos.  A bunch of guys swinging and throwing stuff.  Jimmy is sitting down behind everyone.  Hacksaw DID bring the bunny ears, which he uses to distract everyone.  Jimmy runs around and screams “Fear”, but doesn’t look like it’s really effective.  Ooh, actually, Jimmy cut his leg open (scratched), and they show a flashback of Matilda attacking Jimmy’s leg in the ring, which, awwww.  This is all intercut with stupid closeups and slow motion of the guys pretending to fight – well, double pretending, they were clearly shot separately from the, uh, LARP.  So, this is still going on, and the novelty has worn off for me.  The guys end up “winning”, as the lines between “winner” and “loser” have never been more blurred.  Roddy makes the absolutely brilliant point, “He (one of the nerds) told me that they sometimes get two thousand people for these things.  Who keeps track of “fireballs” then?”  Exactly, Roddy.  That’s why I’m going to stick with videogames.  The computer does all the work, there’s more beer, and far fewer neckbeards.

Back at the house that night, the guys are sitting around talking shit about Jimmy.  Jimmy walks up and explains himself and his actions during the LARP.  Tony is inside cooking some food as the guys say “Sunday Dinner” 43425 times in 4 seconds.  Tony’s making green beans, mashed potatoes, and, some kind of spaghetti sauce covered concoction which isn’t fully explored at this time.  Howard makes the guys Margaritas for his part, and Gene calls them dog shit.  That’s kinda harsh.  Ok, I guess Tony made meatloaf?  With marinara sauce?  He really IS an artist.  The guys sit around and pray before they eat.  I don’t see any vitamins, they must have cut out that part.  Roddy is worried that there is penis in the meatloaf, as Jimmy refuses to eat, but is having crackers and cheese and olives.  All the guys are thankful for Tony cooking for them.  Pat feels as if they are getting closer, and he’s just so proud that they can all sit around and eat dinner together.  Tony says that the guys thanking him is a memory he will keep for the rest of his life.   Me too, Tony.  Me too.

Next morning, Hillbilly screams at a cloud.  Then he spins around and does some yoga in socks, sandals, and pajama pants.  He says AGAIN that he’s not here for a long time, he’s here for a good time.  He wants everyone to get along.  Ashley shows up, and Jimmy says they never know what she’s going to bring them.  Jimmy hugs her, and the guys all sit down.  She tells them they have a special treat in store.  They get a day of pampering at a spa.  Massages, facials, manicures, pedicures, and Hillbilly and the guys are “so happy, they’re elated”.  Gene wants a girl to give him a massage.  Someone jokes with Tony about pedicures, and he goes out of his way to mention how NOT gay he is.  I seem to remember him trying to have anal sex with Pat earlier this season, but I’ve been trying to drink that memory away, so I could be wrong.  Ew, Gene wants a full, “I repeat, FULL”, body massage.  This episode is disgusting.  Hacksaw thinks they’re being fooled, and something bad is going to happen.  Well, something bad IS going to happen to the poor masseuse that has to touch Mean Gene’s mean genes.

Looks like it really is a spa, and everyone is excited to get massages and stuff.  Gene and Jimmy are getting a pedicure first, and I’m very uncomfortable watching this.  As much shit as I talk, I would NOT do that.  Don’t touch my feet.  I just can’t deal with it.  Gene, of course, is being more than a little bit creepy about it.  He was so creepy, in fact, that he embarrassed JIMMY.  Now on the massage table, Gene says, “I’ve got a …stirring in the loins, and I’m not that easily excitable.”  Ok dude, that’s fucking far enough.  These poor women have to touch your disgusting nearly naked body, and you’re talking about your struggling boner?  I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that at a spa.  “Do you ever have clientele here that would like to reciprocate?” Oh God, man.  This poor, poor girl.  The guys are all saying how they’re not used to getting pampered like this.  Hacksaw and Tony are paired up, and Tony talks to Hacksaw, who doesn’t say anything back.  Tony is very sore, and happy to get a massage.  He’s unhappy that this isn’t the massage station, it’s the pedicure station.  Roddy gets his face steamed and nothing is really happening again.  Tony finally, finally, gets his massage.  Say what you will about Tony, but he’s at least not…oh, he’s got a boner too.  Awesome.  Then they get tea.

Recap: Legends’ House – Episode 5

This week, on Legends’ House – the guys go to an art gala and more wacky hijinks surrounding cooking and eating!

Previously on… FLOCKO FLAMINGO, Chippendale’s, manscaping, and Hacksaw spitting and fighting and just generally going crazy.

Morning.  Tony tells Gene that when he gets worried he draws, then his worries go away.  Gene agrees that it’s good therapy.  You know, if Tony hadn’t been a wrestler, he could have also not been an artist.  But whatever, good for him for trying to do something creative.   Hacksaw, in the hot tub, tells us that Tony is a very good drawer and he draws when he’s angry, so he’s been drawing the entire time he’s been here.  I’m angry, because I just had to type “Hacksaw, in the hot tub”.  Cut to Gene and Tony in the gym, where Gene is complaining that his back is a little sore.  Pat is in the background on the treadmill doing about 1.  Gene says he trains with Tony because he’s a “registered, certified, personal, physical fitness trainer.”  Jesus Christ, Gene.  Spit it out.  Gene, speaking of himself, says he has the body of a God.  He was obviously being sarcastic, and good for him again for getting some kind of exercise because he’s so old, but he really does look like a meatball.  Not like, some slang term for “jerk”, or anything.  The actual food, “meatball”.  They show Gene working out, and it’s so incredibly slow and boring.

Next up, Roddy is juicing!  No mishaps with appliances this week, as apparently he was able to figure this one out.  They show Roddy and Tony hugging as Tony thanks him for being nice to him when they got back from Vegas.  Roddy is touched by the gesture.  Tony says he’s going to try his best to get along with Hacksaw.  A bit later, I guess, Tony has an idea for Hillbilly Jim.  Oh God.  Hillbilly and Tony get in a golf cart and head for parts unknown.  I guess the show is building tension by not telling us what Tony’s exciting idea is.  Unless that was it.   So, I guess they took the fucking golf cart all the way to a “Spanish Butcher Shop”, and Hillbilly goes on about how they got some down home, Southern Country Boy food.  I guess there is a “South” in Spain, too, now that I think about it, so I guess he may not be technically wrong.  Although, I would guess this is a Mexican butcher shop, but Hillbilly was SO close.  It’s foreign, let’s just leave it at that.  Hillbilly and Tony bond over both being country boys.  They look at food.  Forever.  They’re getting a bunch of stereotypically country food, and it’s all kind of gross.  Tony is so excited to show off how wacky he is, that he eats a pig’s foot at the checkout counter. 

Jimmy, being a picky eater, as established earlier in the show, hates everything they got.  They got bull penis, too!  It’s hilarious, how they’re going to eat food and Jimmy won’t.  And when the fuck ever was bull penis a classically Southern meal?  Hacksaw is also not going to eat.  Gene complains about the food being stinky.  Put Fink in the “we’re not eating this stupid bullshit” club.  Tony’s washing the literal shit out of the (I’m guessing) pig rectum that he’s preparing.  I swear guys, I’m sorry.  This is just so uninteresting.  I can’t do anything with this.  Gene says he’s getting sick to his stomach over all the nasty shit sitting around.  Me too, Gene.  And now we’re all complaining about the smell, except for Hillbilly, who pretends that it’s not disgusting because HE HAS TO PLAY HIS PART.  I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it yet, but Gene thinks the food is gross.  Oh, and also, it smells.   The guys all think it smells bad.  Gene doesn’t like it.  Oh, and earlier, Gene threw some fucking, foul, half-eaten pig’s foot that Tony left on the table into the yard and now Tony thinks someone ate it!  Gene plays along and said Howard ate it.  It’s possible that Howard ran into the yard and snatched up the fucking thing and ate it (because he’s pretty fat), but I think Gene is trying to pull a fast one here!  Tony is absolutely flabbergasted.  Roddy thinks the food is gross, but he does say “dick” quite a few times, so that’s something.

They’re still talking about bull penis.  But it was a joke!  It’s actually just sausage!  They were just messing with Jimmy.  Ok, but whatever.  You’re still eating fucking colon, which is probably not really that much better.  I’m not sure if there ever was an actual bull penis, or it they also got sausage, and I’m tired of thinking about it.  Tony eats some nasty grey chitlins, but, a-fucking-gain, the guys think the food is gross.  Tony is proud of his cooking, does his donkey laugh, and that’s the end.

Next day, Ashley is in a little tiny bikini, as the Gods of terrible reality shows must’ve heard my silent prayers.  She’s yelling for the guys to meet her out by the pool.  Gene and Howard drool all over themselves (I’m not blaming them), as we show different shots of Ashley in a bikini, and coming out of the water “Fast Times” style.  Ashley lies to the guys and tells them they all look fantastic.  She tells the guys that they all have to take care of “themselfs” no matter what their age, and Gene, for some reason adds “Holy Balls”.  I’m sure it was edited in, but I’m not sure why.  She’s invited some water aerobics chick to help the guys get in shape.  I should also point out that everyone except Hacksaw is wearing swim trunks.  Hacksaw is wearing what I think are his old wrestling speedos.  The aerobics chick has some sort of weird German (maybe a Southern Spanish?) accent, and tells everyone to get in the water.  The first exercise is walking from one side of the pool to the other.  And we have to watch it.  Gene talks about how much he loves it.  Jimmy thought it was good, but couldn’t understand the instructor.  The bitch starts to get pissed because all the guys suck at water aerobics and just generally existing.  She’s bossing the guys around in a far too familiar way, and I kind of hate her.  Now they’re moving from side to side, as Jimmy doesn’t want his hair to get messed up.  Hacksaw blows into a water noodle and yells “There she blows!” because he’s a moron, and the guys do a conga line.  Hillbilly is happy to see Ashley in a bikini, then summarizes the whole experience with a stupid country-fied saying and some positivity because that’s what he does on this show.

Oh no.  Now they’re going to play guitar and sing.  Hillbilly is playing guitar and Jimmy is singing, and it’s actually not awful.  They’re writing lyrics and it’s kind of neat.  They’re writing a song about the house, and Hillbilly seems to have a bit of aptitude for this.  I guess we’re done with that, because either later that day or the next day, Ashley is back.  Pat hilariously zips up his pants (appeared to me to be unscripted), as he says hello to her.  Gene creepily flirts with her, and I know he’s playing it up because he’s supposed to, but it’s still pretty weird to see.  Some funny editing there where they add in some pauses and awkwardness to make it seem even more weird than it was.  Ashley tells them they are going to be opening the Legends’ House art gallery, whatever that means.  Luckily, she explains that they are going to have 8 of their photos (ones of them in the ring, stuff like that) that are already in the house auctioned off for charity, BUT, they also have to come up with four additional pieces (of shit) to also sell.  The proceeds will go to “charity”.  A non-specific charity.  Tony gets weird about something and refuses to help the guys.  Sigh, artists.  Hacksaw asks if they can use Ashley as a model, and someone off camera yells “NUDE!”.  It was me. I’m technically off-camera.  Ok, it wasn’t me.  But God, are they seriously, like, twelve years old?  None of them banged any hot wrestling groupie whores?  I guess the frequency has probably peetered out since they’ve gotten older, but, I dunno.  The whole thing is, again, weird.

Roddy does his, “geez, I guess I have to do this, but I’m so out of my comfort zone” bullshit that he’s done for EVERY SINGLE THING they’ve done so far, because that’s what he does on this show.  Roddy, they’re not asking you to jump out of a plane, or perform surgery, or dance around in your underwear in front of a female audience or anything.  You’ve had to bowl, and walk in a pool, and now, draw.  Let’s take it down a notch, pal.  Hacksaw talks about how he’s not artsy, but he knows what he likes.  He’s really not the sharpest pencil, huh?  Pat and Tony are talking, and Pat says they just want his advice.  Tony again says how art is his relaxation, and he thinks the tension in the house might ruin his love for art if he somehow ties the two together.  It’s adorable that Tony thinks his brain is capable of concepts like that, but I guess I see what he means.  But then again, shut up.  Hacksaw is thinking of doing some Jackson Pollock type shit where he dips his 2×4 in paint and sprays it around on the canvas.  Gene wants to paint a liquor store.  Or nature.  Jimmy wants to draw a tree.  Tony is complaining that this isn’t art.  Jimmy asks Tony to paint a picture of them, and Tony flips the fuck out and runs away.  Hacksaw complains about how Tony is being a primadonna, and Jimmy keeps yelling at Tony.  Tony threatens to punch Jimmy in the nose for his troubles.  Pat and Howard are at a table, and Pat has the worst drawing ever of “waves, and sailboats” sketched out on a legal pad.  It’s actually really funny, how awful it is.  Tony glowers in the background for a second, then goes in the house to get some postcards or photos to inspire the guys.  He says he was just mad because they were “telling” him and not “asking” him.  Which, they kinda were not, but ok.  Finkel is happy that Tony’s back in, and calls him one of the most accomplished artists in their fraternity.  I think he’s painting a clown.  Someone gets the bright idea(r) of doing a bunch of  handprints and signing their names under each one.  Jimmy claims that all these great idears are his doing.  Pat says they are a bunch of talented guys, but it’ll just take time.  Tony says the handprint idea is great…for kindergarteners.  Ha!  But they do it anyway.  
Tony apparently sketched out a hummingbird, and Pat is painting it.  Tony is blown away by how good it is.  It’s actually not bad.  It’s not good, but it’s not bad.  Painting is deceptively difficult, and Pat seems to be doing a pretty OK job so far.  I’m sure it’ll end up all fucked up.  Gene asks if it’s Koko B. Ware’s bird, and I think about how awesome it would be if he actually did come out with a hummingbird on his arm.  And it turns out Tony WAS drawing a clown, because he likes to draw clowns.  Happy clowns, sad clowns, surprised clowns, clown burger, clown gumbo.  Pat says, “Tony Atlas is a great painter, he can do a lot of…great paintings.”  Jesus Christ.  They finish the dumb handprint thing, and their second idea is to just smear a bunch of shit on a canvas.  Tony explains to the guys that what they’re doing is abstract art, and they should let their feelings come out onto the canvas.  My feelings are that it’s a shitty and stupid painting.  Pat talks way too much about how Jimmy Hart talks way too much, because we have to re-establish how annoying Jimmy is every five minutes.  Finkel’s idea was to write their names in a crossword style painting, and it’s also dumb.  Gene agrees with me.  Pat is pissed that Gene isn’t helping, and Gene says that all Pat has done was that “cockamamie” bird.  Which, I laughed, because they showed the finished hummingbird painting and it’s just horrendous.  It even has a little flower at the bottom.  Gene says “balls” again as he and Pat continue their little play fight.  They decide on some random squiggle one, the stupid hands one, the smeary turd one, and Tony’s sad clown.  Hillbilly praises how amazing Tony’s clown is, and Jimmy says “If you really wanna be real about it, I think, on a scale of one to ten, the clown painting is about a three.”  Ha!  It’s far better than the other bullshit they have, but he’s probably right.  I will say, it’s definitely better than I can do and not actively horrible.  Good enough job, Tony.

That night, they show up at the gallery, and Mean Gene says “Holy Balls”.  I swear to God, show.   Hillbilly talks about how proud he is that all the terrible artwork is hanging on the walls, and Gene says he sees a big crowd forming outside.  Cut to – no one outside.  Cute.  Jimmy grabs his megaphone and starts shouting at nobody that there are WWE Legends inside.  Jimmy then heads down the street and tries to rustle up a crowd to come over.  Finally, some people start coming in.  Hacksaw gets excited and yells, “There’s women!”  Ugh.   Some lady lies to Hacksaw that the art is good, but then can’t keep a straight face.  There’s a silent auction for these paintings, which Gene refers to as “a silent Oxen”.  And then, double fucking ugh, some self-proclaimed “art connoisseur” interprets the stupid squiggle painting as a bull fight to Tony.  Ashley shows up and also thinks the art is awful.  “I’m really proud of them.”  …for not eating the paint.  She is, however, very impressed with Tony’s clown painting.  Tony is sad or something because it’s not his best work, and aw.  Anyway, now the poor people have to go home with these paintings and shit, and they had to PAY for them.  Remind me to never complain about anything ever again.  The end.

Recap: Legends’ House – Episode 4

This week on Legends’ House – HARDCORE OLD MAN NUDITY. 

Ok, probably not.

Previously on, they show the enthralling recap of the guys making a commercial, and then getting pulled over by the police.  I’m not sure if I’ve addressed it yet, but the theme song for Legends’ House sounds an awful lot like “Blurred Lines”.  And now that I think about it, I could watch that video 9 or 10 times in roughly the same amount of time it’ll take me to watch this episode.  That would definitely be a better use of my time, but I’m doing this.  Because I’m stupid.

I guess we’re flashing back a little, as Pat mumbles “Riding in this van fucking sucks, I know that.”  Again, it’s not like it’s a complete piece of shit.  It’s just a van.  Get over it.  He continues, “I can’t wait to get there and take a good shit.”  I love that THAT is what the most exciting part of Vegas is to Pat Patterson.  It’s a great place to poop.  Hillbilly Jim explains that the guys are not happy to be riding in the van.  Jimmy Hart also helpfully tells us that he feels horrible about riding in the van, because he feels their team should have won the last stupid contest and should be in the limo.  I mean, he has a point.  That commercial that the “winners” made was fucking horrific.  Jimmy says, “Let’s face it, we’re losers.”  I love shoot comments that…anyway.  Hillbilly Jim tells us that the guys, again, are not happy to be in the van, but essentially they need to get the fuck over it because they’re going to Vegas which should be fun.  Exactly, Hillbilly.  You’re going to Vegas with a bunch of (presumably) your friends.  I’ve squashed into a 1979 Honda Prelude to get to a terrible High School party with a bunch of my smelly buddies and complained less than this bunch of bitches.  In fairness, I’m pretty sure this was a talking point drummed up by the producers of this show.  “Make sure you complain a lot about the van.  I mean, like, a lot.  Like, seriously, don’t fucking stop.  Repeat yourself if you have to.  That should be really good television.”  It’s not, producers.

Meanwhile, in the Limo, the guys are drinking and screaming “Flocko Flamingo” as the graphic at the bottom says “Winning Team” and Tony Atlas is laughing his horrible laugh.  I’m not 100% sure I’d rather be in the limo.  I don’t even think I want to go to Vegas anymore.  And UH OH!  The police are pulling over the limo, and Jimmy Hart talks shit about it being payback.  The guys in the van are so very happy about this.  Gene theorizes that it was because there was a plastic flamingo hanging out of the window, which I’m pretty sure actually does mean “plastic flamingo” and not “penis”.  Roddy tells us about limousine etiquette, and how the person sitting on the right in the back is considered in “the King seat”, and it typically goes to the person with the most respect.  Well, Finkel is the one sitting there, and they’re trying to get him to talk to the police officer to “find out if they’re safe”.  Roddy goes on to imply that it was disrespectful for Howard to take that seat, because he’s never wrestled and basically doesn’t deserve it.  I’m sure he’s joking, or being silly, or exaggerating, but fuck you, Roddy.  Who gives a shit?  Roddy talks about the responsibility of being in that seat, and how Fink needs to step up and talk to the policeman.  Really?  If this is at all real, which it probably isn’t, shouldn’t you just sit there and shut the fuck up and NOT interrupt the guy with the gun who is talking to the driver of your car with a stupid, “Hi officer.  Just wanted to check in since I’m in the king’s seat, and everything kinda needs to go through me first, mmmkay?”  Roddy makes another comment about how Howard should streak, and now I’m pretty sure he’s just fucking around, so I sort of take back my “fuck you, Roddy”.  But I’m keeping it for later.  I have a feeling it’ll come in handy.  Anyway, they got a ticket.  Wow.  And then Tony Atlas reveals that HE was the one who TOLD Finkel to sit there!  He didn’t want to sit next to Hacksaw or Piper!  What a twist!

Back in the van of humiliation, Pat won’t shut the fuck up about how they’re staying a cheap hotel outside of Vegas.  Mean Gene talks about how when he gets there, he’s going to “shave, brush (his) teeth, and sandpaper (his) balls”, because it’s funny to hear Mean Gene say balls at least 458 times each episode.  Also, ow.  Jimmy comments that that means they won’t eat until 1 in the morning if he has to do all that, because I guess Gene has really long balls or something.  Time passes (but not for me), and they play a stupid fart sound effect as we go back to the Limo guys, and Hacksaw has his shirt covering his nose.  Tony Atlas tells us that it was him farting every five minutes, and that they were really disgusting.  Well, of course they were.  Look at you.  You look like a farter.  He says something about his rectum controlling him, but I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.  I’m just sad because this is the first time in my life I haven’t found farts funny.  This show has broken me.  Tony says that the farts actually helped out the guys, because all of a sudden, the driver of the limo “put the paddle to the matter”, which I’m definitely going to start saying now.

So now they’ve arrived at the Palms, which is both not shitty, and not 25 miles outside of Vegas.  Maybe Pat said “I bet we’re staying in some shithole outside of Vegas”, but there’s no fucking chance I’m going back and watching this again just to be sure.  I’ll understand if you want to find your Legends’ House reviews elsewhere now, from somebody with more commitment.  But I would also suggest you be very nice around that person, and do not make eye contact or any sudden movements.  Hillbilly dressed up for his big night in Vegas – socks, sandals, and pajama pants, and refers to Vegas as “The City that Never Stops”.  I googled this phrase, because I’m pretty sure that’s not what Vegas’ slogan is, and sure enough, the first few results refer to Tel Aviv as “The City that Never Stops”.  So, see?  I do care about the craft.  They show the guys checking in to the hotel, and Finkel has one of those stupid flamingos with him because the producers thought it would be a funny visual.  It’s not, producers.  Roddy talks about how he got arrested a lot in Vegas, and Hillbilly says, “The fun ain’t endin’, it’s just beginnin’.”  I wouldn’t even say it’s middling.

Next morning, the guys are brought to a theater type place, and Finkel freaks out because he has a feeling he’s going to have to perform.  He kinda used to do that for a living, but whatever.  A girl who I think is Ashley comes out to tell the guys what they’re doing there. “My name is Kristen…”…never mind.  Anyway, she tells them they’re going to be taught how to dance and shit for the 8 o’clock show, and guess what?  It’s the Chippendales!  And now a montage of the guys all shocked about this development, but really, most of them essentially performed in their underwear in front of way more people than will probably be at this show.  Kristen goes on to tell the guys that there are grooming standards at Chippendales, and they will all have to be “manscaped”, which, ew.  Tony says they don’t even know what that is.  Tony doesn’t know what a lot of/most things are, but I forgive him for not being up on this.  And then a montage of the guys not knowing what manscaping is.  Jesus Christ, show.  Just say something once, and then move on.  I swear to God, they just beat you over the head with the dumbest shit over and over and over.  Pat says “This could be a disaster.”  Yep.  Tony comforts Roddy who seems upset about this whole thing.  Like, not actual upset, but “show” upset.  This goes on forever, but nothing happens.  It’s just Roddy and Tony saying stuff.

Soon after, the guys arrive at a salon to get their grooming.  And I swear to God, my Apple TV just rebooted, presumably to save me from what’s coming up.  It didn’t even do the thing where it let me continue from where I left off.  Anyway, I’m back up to speed, and Gene explains that he doesn’t know what manscaping is.  Jimmy volunteers Hillbilly to get waxed first, and the guys say how Jimmy can be annoying.  We’ve established both of these things multiple times now.  Tony says, “I think the guys will be surprised how nice this is.  If it’s women scaping my man, then let the women skate my man, ha ha!  Shh, my wife may be listening.”  And now we see Hillbilly getting waxed, and I’m sure this is supposed to be like that scene from the 40 Year Old Virgin, but it’s more nothing.  Hillbilly is a pretty good sport and not screaming or anything.  For some reason, Jimmy Hart is there watching the whole thing, and that’s really it.

Gene and Howard are getting spray tans, and the chick doing the spray tan says she’s going to make them dark.  Gene is being a pervert as Howard is the first to get sprayed, and it’s a touch confusing to see whether he’s excited to see Howard in his underwear (which, ew), or if he’s into the spray tan chick.  Gene tries to convince Howard to take off his underwear, which I guess answers my question, but raises so many more.  They reveal their new tans to the guys, and Hacksaw spit-takes into a trash can.  Hillbilly walks out and takes off his shirt, and the guys applaud.  Later, Pat and Tony are getting spray tans, and Pat looks like an old lady with his hair net on, as he complains about it being cold.  Well, it’s definitely not hot.  And then he complains about the spray tan being cold, and then they show us the spray tan being cold.  A few more mentions of it being cold, and Tony comments, “That do make your body look nice.”  Which, ew.  As the girl is getting ready to spray Pat’s legs, she tells Pat to bend over.  Tony says, “Bend over Pat, and I’ll be there in a minute.”  Tony is probably joking, but he licks his lips in a weird way, and Pat might have a chubby.  Now Roddy is getting waxed, and he thought he was getting his pubes trimmed.  Roddy does not deal very well with the waxing, and Hacksaw is in there, and tickles Roddy’s belly.  This is one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen, not just that, but this whole episode.  Anyway, he gets waxed.  Tony is getting a spray tan, which I guess is funny, and Roddy is still getting waxed.  Some more hilarity ensues, and now Roddy is getting a spray tan, and then they show Tony, Roddy, and Pat revealing themselves to the other guys, who applaud.  And we’re done.

Now the guys are introduced to the choreographer, who explains that he’s gonna teach the guys how to rip their tank tops off.  Pat is kind of upset that the guys would dare call the Chippendales “strippers”, because they’re NOT.  They’re DANCERS.  Ok, Pat, that’s nice.  “Johnny” is the expert shirt ripper, and explains to the guys that you have to rip it “down and out”.  Oh really?  That’s the trick?  I thought it would fucking magically fly off of you and then burst into flames.  I didn’t know this before just now, but apparently I, too, am an expert shirt ripper.  The key is to rip it.   Jimmy Hart fucks it up, of course.  Now the guys are practicing their entrances, and they’re carrying a bunch of construction equipment and then not.  I know I talk a lot of shit about this show, but it really was a kind of funny bit to see the guys learning how to walk on stage and do their little poses.

And then something magical happens.  Hacksaw and Tony actually have a bit of a fight.  Something about one of them bumping into the other, and then “Shut up”, and “Shut me up”, and “make me”, and “make ME”.  Tony turns around and says “It can happen.”  Hacksaw, “Well, if it can happen it can happen.”  Tony, “I know, but it will, don’t worry.”  This is like the Lincoln-Douglas debates.  Two master orators here.  And then Jesus Christ, Hacksaw gets really weird.  He talks about how he’s not scared of Tony, and says “I’ve been in a fight before, and big muscles don’t mean SHIT, understand?”  If you didn’t see this, I have to point out that Hacksaw is not talking to or yelling at Tony at this point, he’s yelling at the camera man, or whoever is conducting this interview-y thing.  “I’VE BEEN IN A FIGHT BEFORE”, he continues, “AND BIG MUSCLES DON’T MEAN SHIT TO ME!”  Which, he just said twice, like, back to back, and then got increasingly more angry with each word.  It was insanity.  I guess it was like that thing that happens when someone says something shitty to you and you blank out on the spot, but think of the perfect retort on the car ride home.  This was Hacksaw’s perfect retort. “I’VE NEVER BEEN THE BIGGEST, I’VE NEVER BEEN THE (smashing a bottle or cup of water) GOD DAMN STRONGEST AND I GOTTA PUT UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT, AND I’VE FUCKING ABOUT HAD IT!”  TOUGH GUY, HOOOOO!

Tony explains that this has been brewing for 20 years, and they never did and never will like each other.  Come on guys, if being a part of this amazing show can’t bring you together, then I guess truly nothing can.  Hacksaw says he’s not looking for a fight, but he’s never backed down before and he’s sure not going to back down from Tony.  He says to the cameraman or producer, “You understand me, brother?”  Maybe the producer or whatever prodded him or hit a nerve with a question during the interview thing, which is kinda what this actually seems like.  They figured, “Hey, let’s fuck with Hacksaw and make him flip out.  That would be great television.”  Which, producers, it is.

And now, fuck me, after awesome craziness, we’re back to a bunch of guys dancing.  The theme is Risky Business.  And thankfully, they do intercut it with Tony and Hacksaw still raging about whatever weird thing is going on between the two of them.  Hacksaw talks about how if they (fought), nobody would come out of it well.  All the guys have their little bow ties and weird end of the sleeve cuff things, and the audience is filtering in.  Pat is excited.  About being in front of a crowd, that is.  They get a pep talk before the show, and Roddy talks about what a great challenge this is, and the show starts.  The guys finally walk on stage with their construction thingies, and do their little dances and stuff.  A sign in the background says, “Hard Men Working”, which, ew.  Then they do their Risky Business thing, and the guys go out into the crowd and dance with the poor audience.  They didn’t show all that much of the guys dancing or anything, which, I’m not complaining.  The whole thing was kind of cute.  I mean, not the guys, or anything, but it was funnier than I thought it was going to be.   All the guys are happy and celebrate after the show.

Now they’re on their way back to the house, and all the guys are talking about how it was fun, but Howard wants to nip the Hacksaw/Tony thing in the bud, before it escalates.  Hacksaw smartly avoids Tony as we have our food scene of the week.  Roddy says he can feel the tension between the two guys, as they show Tony and Hacksaw glancing at each other at different times.  Roddy says he feels caught in the middle, and would take a bullet for both guys.  He says he knows what it’s like to be disliked by everybody, so he understands Tony.  He talks to Tony, and says how he hasn’t been himself, and that’s he’s been touchy, and he can completely relate.  Roddy says if Tony slept good, he’d be much better off.  It was a sweet scene, and Roddy is crying a little, and Tony looks like he’s misting up, too.  There are glimpses within this show that are really fascinating and interesting, and it’s usually in these non-contrived situations.  Gene threatens at the end that the house is definitely going to blow up. 

Dare I say that this was an interesting episode?

Recap – Legends’ House: Episode 3

This week, on Legends’ House – bowling with old ladies!  I don’t really like watching bowling with PROFESSIONAL bowlers, but old ladies and old wrestlers?  Count me in!  Also, that first sentence might be constructed strangely.  I didn’t mean that they were going to be bowling, using old ladies as balls, although that might be interesting to watch.  Also, that last sentence might be constructed strangely. I don’t think they’re going to be using old ladies as balls in any form, although that might also be interesting to watch.

Previously, on Legends’ House, Tony Atlas is annoying to live with.  Like, not annoying enough to make things interesting, or quirky enough to make things fun (although he did really give it a go last episode), but still, slightly annoying.  Oh, and also they cooked and ate food.

Inside the Legends’ House, Tony and Jimmy are working out, and the rest of them are sleeping.  Roddy yawns and says “holy cow”.  And I guess that’s that.

Later, Ashley walks in, and says hi to everyone, telling them they have “fun things to do”.  I somehow doubt it, but I’m going to go ahead and have extremely high hopes for this episode.   Ashley says, “We’ve accepted a challenge on your behalf from a local bowling league that has called you out, and I’ve heard that they’re pretty (snicker) tough.”  Ha ha, ho.  Fink seems extremely confident and says, “You are looking at some of the greatest alleymen in the business.”  First of all, “alleymen”?  I’ve done my fair share of bowling, but I’ve never heard that term.  I’m fine with that, I mean, it might be common, and I am able to figure out what it means (it means “bowlers”), but still, weird.  Also, what business?  The ex-wrestling business?  Anyway, he’s super excited.  Also anyway, they have FIVE MINUTES to get ready!  I am sitting here, typing this review, wiping sleep from my eyes, and I’m already ready to go bowling.  It doesn’t take much prep.  Oh, I see – it does in this case, because they show up at the bowling alley, and they all have bowling shirts on.  So they go in, and Hillbilly says, “We’re going to engage in a bowling contest!”, which, thanks, Hillbilly and editing team, I already was tracking with you.  You just fucking showed me and told me that they were going bowling.  I’ve got this.

Anyway, it’s old ladies, which would still not really be surprising even if I didn’t already know.  It’s whatever.  They announce that they are called “The Bowling Queens”.  Now we just need to know the name of ladies’ team!  HA!  Get it?  Because…ugh.  Hacksaw acts weird and makes all the guys call them hoes.  Or say “ho”.  And then they talk about how they’re all nice ladies, and I think Pat makes the obvious joke I made earlier about wanting to meet the “desert queen”, because I’m really not that good at this.  Also, I’m watching this on my computer, and there’s a little half loop control button at the bottom of the video player with a 10 inside of it.  Apparently this makes the video go back 10 seconds, which is sadly useful for this kind of stuff.  Or would be, if it didn’t just crash my player.  So, upon rewatch, they don’t show show who says it, but it makes it look like Roddy actually said it.  Mean Gene acts like a perv and calls one of the ladies a tomato.  And we’re off.  Bowling.  They talk about how dressy the ladies’ team is, and one of the ladies tells Tony that they’ll go easy on them.  Which Tony is ok with, because he says he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.   Come on, man.  Do you have no life experience at all?  You’ve never been near a horse, never been bowling?  Even if you’ve never been bowling, couldn’t you pretty quickly figure it out?  Throw the round heavy at the standy white things.  Make them fall.  Howard re-re-reiterates his confidence and they show a couple old clips of him actually wrestling.  Hilariously (and genuinely), he bowls terribly – he does the thing where he doesn’t know how to take the right amount of steps, and ends up shuffling/tippy toeing up to the line, and then throws it into the gutter.  Jesus, all of them suck, as they show them all bowling nothing but gutterballs.  Mean Gene bowls one from the concession stand, and the ladies alternate talking shit and trying to be helpful to this poor, stupid man, telling him he can go all the way up to the line before limp-wristedly wishing one in the general direction of the pins.  I’m also not positive Gene remembered to wear pants.  It looks like he’s wearing old man boxers – and yes, I’ve seen my share.  Gene says “holy balls”.

And of course, a montage of the girls getting lots of spares.  The guys all complain about how they didn’t know the old girls would be such good bowlers.  Which, for one, of course they’re going to be.  And two, they’re not THAT good.  They’re not like senior tour champions or anything, with wrist stabilizers and putting crazy spin on the ball.  They’re just probably 50-65 year old housewives who go bowling on that Tuesday night league, and probably finished second last year.  Hacksaw comments that they (The Legends) were playing their (The Queens) game, but if they (The Queens) came into the ring, the Legends would beat the devil out of them.  WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT VERSION OF THIS SHOW?  The guys all talk about how competitive they are, and how they want to win.  Roddy says he used to be “the most feared man in the world”.  Ok, but not really, Roddy.  Whatever helps you sleep/wander into vacant lots and howl/sleep again at night.  Drums come in, and the guys are getting fired up.  A couple strikes, and then they show Hacksaw bowl an 8 (which, I guess is the best thing he did the entire time – even editing can’t cover up his shittiness, apparently), which leads into some classic Hacksaw clips.  A couple of the ladies are actually kinda young-ish and hot-ish looking.  When I saw the previews, I thought it was going to be geriatric but professional female bowlers.  Instead, this show gives us some kinda old, sorta decent female bowlers.  This is a microcosm of this whole fucking thing, complete half-assery. 

Then it’s done, and the guys look at the scoreboards like fucking cavemen seeing an iPhone.  Jimmy absolutely amazingly says, “There’s no way to tell who won by looking at the scoreboards.”  I’m seriously beside myself.  THAT’S EXACTLY HOW YOU FUCKING TELL WHO WINS.  You might have to add a couple scores together for teams, but Christ.  They were electronic scoreboards.  You didn’t even have to make the little slashies and x’s or figure out the scoring on a spare or a 10th frame strike or anything.  Just add numbers together.  Truly, truly amazing.  And then they show the results.  The Legends…736 pins.  The Queens…876 pins.  Are you seriously fucking shitting me?  That’s not even close at all.  You couldn’t visually tell, without even technically doing math or addition, that there was a big difference between those scores?  I can’t.  I can’t do this anymore. 

The next morning, Ashley comes back in wearing some short little leather shorts and heels, and I guess I can muscle through just a little more of this show.  She informs the guys that they will be split into two teams, and each team will have to make a 30 second commercial for a local business.  And what they should do, is, something like:

“Hi, I’m former WWE wrestler blah blah blah, and these are 3 other old famous wrestlers.  Buy Bob’s Lumber.”  And, scene.  Let’s find out together how they fuck this up.  They look hesitant, but Ashley says, “C’mon guys, it’s just like cutting a promo.”  Which, fucking yes.  Exactly.  Gene is the captain of one of the teams, and talks about how it’s right down his alley.  Which, fucking yes.  It sure is.  They show a clip of Gene with Rick Rude as something falls down in the background and screw up his flow, which was actually really funny.  I hadn’t seen that before.  The other captain is Piper, and they pick teams.  Tony is the last person picked, probably because he’s going to be the biggest detriment to the entire process, and Ashley hands both captains envelopes with instructions that they have to follow.  One envelope says “stay here”, and the other says “Van is waiting”.  I hope Hillbilly Jim or one of the guys explains what those envelopes mean, and what they’re going to have to do.  “That means we get to hit the bricks.”  Cool, thanks Gene.  Jimmy says, “That means we get outta here first.”  Thanks so much, Jimmy.  On the other team, Tony says he wants to run the camera.  Roddy says no, because he doesn’t think Tony could even run a can opener.  That’s the blender/freezer calling the can opener black, huh Roddy?  Tony is sad because no one likes him.  Aw.

Gene and his team of Patterson, Hart, and Hillbilly are taken to a car wash.  Gene is just completely shocked that he would be doing a commercial for a car wash.  I don’t really understand why he is this level of surprised, which is to say, any level of surprised, but whatever.   They meet a guy who could be the owner, or could just be the cashier, and Pat makes a gay joke about blowing stuff.  Jimmy says he has a lot of “great idears”, and is excited to show people what they can do as a team.  I’m not sure what that really means at all.  I didn’t have any pre-conceived notions about this team and being able to make a commercial for a local business.  My expectations are zero.  I’m pretty sure it’ll be stupid, but it’s a local commercial for a car wash.  Kinda redundant.  Meanwhile, a car pulls up to pick up the other dummies.  The driver of the car is wearing some very wacky yellow pants, which all the guys comment on.  His name is Mark, and he wants them to make a commercial for his business.  What business, you ask?  He’s gonna show us!  He opens the door to reveal…them cutting away to show the other guys at the car wash!  Are you kidding me?  I’m on pins and needles!  I need to know, now.  I consider fast forwarding or turning the show off completely, but they show Gene and the guys writing the copy and storyboarding.  Actually, they seem to be doing a moderately decent job.  Pat is confused by simple colors as Jimmy annoys everyone.

And oh my stars, we finally get to see what was hidden inside the car – plastic flamingos!  This wacky guy with wacky pants has extra wacky plastic flamingos.  Mark goes on to explain that his business is renting plastic flamingos to parties and special events.  It’s really weird, I’ve ALWAYS wanted to own a business like that.  You know, completely stupid bullshit.  Roddy is as confused and irritated as I am, as Hacksaw hits himself in the face with a flamingo.  But wait, there’s more!  Also little yellow rubber duckies!  You guys.  I don’t think I can make it through this one.  Where’s Ashley and her legs?  Mark asks rhetorically, “Can’t you just imagine a yard full of plastic flamingos, and a pool full or rubber duckies?”  Tony answers, extremely seriously, “Yes.  The answer is yes.”  I fucking howled with laughter at that.  I’m back on board.  Tony just earned this show 5 more minutes of watchability with that.  Tony is way too excited about this.  “My momma used to say, a man never grows up, his toys just get more espensive…unless they RUBBER DUCKY RUGGIE BUCKIES!”  I swear to God he said that, and again, redeemed this entire show.

Now back to the other guys, Jimmy Hart is fucking shit up.  They’ve got a bit about the vacuum, and Pat says something like, “Vacuums, they really suck.  Reminds me a lot of …Piper…’s team.”  That came off more dark than funny.  And back to Piper’s Ruggie Bucky team, Fink asks where they should set up, and Roddy says, “I think outside.”, completely not joking.  Wow, yeah.  Tony wants the guys to take the joy of flamingos more seriously than the other guys who are kinda fucking around.  Tony is SO excited and squeals “RUBBER DUCKLY DUCKLY!”, as he plays with the toys, and gets in all the guys faces, making sure they love the stupid toys as much as he does.  Meanwhile, back at the car wash, everyone still thinks Jimmy is annoying.  And immediately back to team Rubber Duckly Duckly as Tony is just filled with joy when he figures out a tripod.  A couple of the guys shoot or rehearse their parts, and then they show Tony on the ground, RUGGIE BUCKIES stuck to his face and poured all over him, two Flamingos near his crotch, and laughing like a donkey.  He does a couple variations of “Rubber ducky rucky bucky” for the commercial.  A few minutes later, Tony says “less is more”.  Yeah, it is, rucky buckly.  They all complain about how they’re running out of time, and then just do boring arguments with each other.  Now, the other group is washing a car.  The auto car wash starts, and Pat gets way pissed.  Jimmy gets blamed for it and says he didn’t do it.  This is so very real and unscripted.

Roddy and the guys are doing silly things with the flamingos and saying “Flock of flamingos” over and over.  Then Tony is pretty much done, and kinda retreats into a childish, “I’m not talking to anyone” kind of way.  But they’re not the only ones with DRAMA!  The other team is reviewing the tape to see what caused the car wash to start, and it turns out it wasn’t Jimmy Hart!  I knew it!  I didn’t care, but I knew it.  They end up blaming the owner/cashier for doing it, and I still don’t care.  Pat cusses out the owner for pushing the button.  You know, Pat has such a weird way of talking.  It’s close to regular human speech, but just a little off.  It’s like how in CGI there is an effect when creating believable human characters, the more abstracted they are from actual humans, the easier time our brains have of suspending disbelief.  But the closer they get to photorealism, even the smallest difference can really throw us off and take us completely out of the realm of believability.  I guess I’m trying to say  Pat Patterson’s accent is the uncanny valley.

I know I say this a lot, but this is really so very long.  They could definitely make this a 22 minute show and maybe it would be passable.  It’s SO long.  I’ve been watching this show forever now.  They’re all back at the house, and Tony is mumbling to himself about how he’s upset.  He tells Jimmy how he doesn’t want to bond, and he’s the outcast, and he doesn’t like the other people.  Jimmy heads off, and Tony Atlas sings “I’m alone again” to the tune of “On the Road Again”, and then burps.  The commercial editors come in, and while I respect editors and think film editing is fun and interesting and underrated and absolutely vital, I can’t think of too many things I’d rather watch less than a video of people editing.  The car wash one appears like it might be semi-professionally done and looking pretty ok.  The flamingo one looks like a nightmare.  Roddy Piper and Duggan awkwardly close to the camera screaming “Flocko Flamingo! Flocko Flamingo!”.  Now I don’t even want to rent flamingos and rucky buggies because I’m too frightened.  Duggan is very positive that it’s going to be perfect.  They’re talking about what kind of music to put, and all the guys immediately shut Tony up every time he tries to help.  Tony storms off.  Roddy is pissed at Tony and vaguely threatens him.  Not to his face, but in the confessional-style interview cut ins they do.  Roddy just wants to get the job done, and Tony says he’s done.  Roddy half-assedly tries to get Tony to rejoin the guys, and Tony says he’s done.  Again.  So Roddy accepts it.

Next morning, Howard thinks the commercial looks great.  They’re about to have their commercials judged.  Roddy calls Tony an asshole, but then talks him up and they hug and laugh.  Tony is thankful, and admits he talks too much.  Ashley comes in with Red & Link or Rhett and Link, and I don’t care, because Ashley is not dressed sluttily enough for my liking.  They make commercials or something, and they’re gonna judge the guys’ commercials.  They make good with the guys by saying how they were huge fans, and had all their action figures and stuff.   And now we see the commercials.  First up is the car wash, and it’s really dumb.  But, on the other hand, if it were a small town and you saw Jimmy Hart and Mean Gene doing a local commercial, that might be kinda neat.  The Reddened Lynx guys talk about how Pat was censored and bleeped out, which you’ll remember, was triggered by the owner pushing the button.  Which was part of the script, apparently.  They just blew commercial kayfabe.  Mean Gene says he could see this playing during the Super Bowl.  He was obviously joking.  Then it’s the Rucky Buckies’ turn, and oh my God.  It’s absolutely terrifying.  The judges say how bad it was, but it was memorable.  One of the judges says the exact same thing as I just did, how it’s memorable, but will haunt his nightmares.  Roddy’s team wins.  Ashley announces that both teams will be going to Vegas.  Roddy’s team goes in a limo, the losing team goes in a van.  Mean Gene says balls again.  The guys ride in the van and are upset about it, even though it’s nice enough and big enough.  A trooper pulls over the limo and WE’LL FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS, NEXT WEEK, ON LEGEND’S HOUSE!

<spoiler alert: nothing happens.  Nothing ever happens.>

Recap – Legends House: Episode 2

I was thinking before I sat down and wrote this, “I wonder why WWE doesn’t follow the Netflix model and allow you to sit and binge watch the entire season, instead of having to wait a week between episodes.”  Then I realized, that, deep down, the WWE really does love its fans.  That’s why.  Let’s do this shit show.

There’s a “Previously on…”, where they would show the highlights, if there were any, of last week’s episode.  It’s a whole bunch of nothing, so, to be fair, they did.  And now there’s an actual reality show style intro, complete with Tony Atlas laughing like a donkey, Mean Gene saying “Holy Balls”, and Pat Patterson hitting a golf ball poorly.

We open with Roddy wandering in the dark.  He’s been out there a full week?  He talks about trying to deal with the house and says this is his “one last chance to clean up the negative stuff said about Roddy Piper.  To put him where he should be in the history of our business.”  Hacksaw walks in to Roddy’s bedroom as Roddy is laying on the bed and talks about them becoming good friends.  Roddy tells him about all the scenery he saw outside, like an empty lot.  Ok, hang on.  They just cut to Mean Gene and Pat talking in the kitchen, both dressed in all white. Pat is wearing a robe with sneakers, sunglasses on his head, and regular glasses tucked into the robe.  Great, now everyone’s gonna start dressing like that.  Pat asks, “Does Roddy have a problem?”, and Gene answers, “I hope not.”  This is truly gripping stuff.  Roddy’s voiceover says it’s hard for him to close his eyes, and then they show a bunch of Roddy highlights where he screams and hits people and things with other things.  Then it’s the morning and he’s in the pool and fights the water.  Like, actually fights it.  It’s weird.

Now it’s apparently morning again, as they re-establish the time by showing the sun coming up.  The guys are sleeping.  And they show it.  I guess the snoring is funny to them.  Yep, as Jimmy comments on the snoring and how it’s hard for him to sleep.  Now fucking circus music plays as they show a fucking montage of the fucking maid cleaning.  Let me reiterate, please.  They are showing a montage of cleaning.  Oh, here’s the payoff.  Hillbilly Jim was asleep and then was only slightly disturbed from his sleep because the maid had to vacuum.  My sides.  But she has a foreign accent, so that’s funny.  And why in the living fuck would the maid have to come and clean on day TWO of them being there?  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m having trouble following the timeline on this.  Anyway, it’s hilarious.  You know, how Hillbilly Jim was spoken to by someone.  Hilarious.  He goes back to sleep.  I’m envious.

Now, to really kick this into high gear, Tony Atlas is drawing a picture of a photo of his wife, and we’re watching a video of him drawing a picture of a photo.  Jimmy talks about how Tony is really nice but is starting to rub everyone the wrong way.  He talks about the “heat” between Hacksaw and Tony, which was absolutely nothing.  And then they show it again.  I guess they’re building tension for something crazy that’s going to happen later.  And sure enough, Hacksaw says if Tony has something to say to him, he can say it to his face.  Oh shit!  This is gonna be gre…wait, they buried the hatchet.  They talk about how everything’s fine.  Thank fucking God.

Now there’s an adorable bit about how much Hacksaw and Roddy love each other, as Hacksaw steals the dumbest dumb shit joke award from Mean Gene by putting his head on Roddy’s shoulder and says something about being a two headed monster or something.  Don’t worry, Gene, there’s still plenty of show left.  And now I feel bad because they’re talking about how they’re both cancer survivors, and how much they have in common.  Hacksaw says, “He’s been with his wife 29 years, I’ve been with his wife 27.”  How I wish that’s what he actually said.  Hacksaw also, interestingly, pluralizes “life” as “lifes”.  Maybe bad pluralization is a wrestler thing.  Jimmy Hart waves his underwear and which leads to a dirty underwear joke as Ashley enters.

She has exciting news.  They’ve been invited to play a polo match.  Tony Atlas is so flabbergasted by the idea of them doing something, that he remarks, “Right then and there, I thought that girl had three heads.”  I make a boob joke to myself.   She then goes on to say they will be broken into two teams of four.  The Red team will be captained by Hillbilly Jim (which draws a round of applause from the guys, like he fucking accomplished something by being randomly chosen for a randomly chosen activity), and the Blue team is captained by “Hacksaw…Duggan”.  I guess Ashley and Hacksaw are on a Nickname/Last name basis, but not the first name.  Roddy is picked first, which leads to Mean Gene saying how close him and Duggan are becoming, and Hacksaw hits me over the head with a 2×4 of how him and Roddy are becoming good friends, and he wants to see him after this is over.  I swear to God, they’ve mentioned this multiple times.  I get it.  Hacksaw loves Roddy.  They want to be in each other’s lifes.   HBJ (which is what I’m calling him now) drafts Jimmy Hart, and then they cut to him saying “Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart?  It doesn’t get no better!”.  If you say so.  Mean Gene says balls again.  Tony says he’s never been on a horse in his life, and if one comes near him, he’ll hit it.  Now all the guys talk about Tony being scared of horses.  Sigh.

So they get to the Polo (field? court?) area, and, I’ll be honest, it’s pretty fucking crazy.  Dudes zipping around on horses hitting stuff.  I’d probably be kinda scared too.  Tony mentions that he has a bit of trepidation.  First I’ve heard of it.  Ashley shows up and Tony barks at her.  She introduces a polo (player?) guy.  And IT’S A SWERVE!  They’re gonna play on golf carts.  It was kinda cute, actually.  Hacksaw says he knew all along.  Mmmhmm.  I’ll be honest again,  the fact that they are not on horses completely sapped what little excitement I did have for this segment.  Now it’s just guys in golf carts.  Jimmy scores first, and they show clips of him celebrating in the ring.  I’m really sorry if anyone was counting on me to provide play by play for the big polo match, but it’s actually nothing at all.  I mean, there’s stuff going on, but if you were told that there were 6 WWE superstars playing golf cart polo, that’s way more excitement than seeing them actually doing it.  So, just trust me.  Jimmy gets “angry”at some violation of the rules.  Tony says some dumb things making fun of Jimmy.  I think Tony is probably nice, and I would never say any of this to his face, but I’m not 100% sure he’s all there.  Mean Gene says, “One thing I can’t stand, is to be a part of anything contrived!  This is B.S.”  Which, not bad, Gene!  I’m grading on a curve, but that was decent.  Ugh, they’re still talking about this rules violation.  I’ve been a Red team fan since I was a little kid (my grandfather used to go see Red team matches when he first moved to this country), but I just can’t get seem to get excited over this match.  Now they are doing a hilarious super fast speed black and white editing trick, and it’s not fast enough, because they are still playing.  Now there’s a tiebreaker, because I guess they were tied, and apparently the winners get something, or the losers don’t get something, or what the fuck ever.  This is the longest thing that’s ever happened to me.  Blue team won.  There.

They all sit down for dinner.  Mean Gene asks if Pat remembers his first match.  Hacksaw says “We’ve been here a week, I think we’ve heard everybody’s stories.”  A week?  I took a more fascinating and watchable shit in 10 minutes than a week’s worth of footage from crazy old pro wrestlers?  And I guess they’re just going around the table talking about their first matches.  Jimmy Hart confirms this.  Tony is annoyed (just like Hacksaw) that they are actually talking about something interesting, so of course, we see that Ashley has returned.  Ooh, now the Red team is gonna get their comeuppance!  I bet it’s wacky as shit!  And she hands HBJ some boots and the losing team has to shovel horse shit.  Now they know how I feel.  They demean the poor guy who actually does this for a living – at least HBJ seems to be a good sport about it.  Pat steals the dumb shit dumb joke award away from Duggan with some dumb shit joke as they make fun of the guys who have to a job for probably an hour that people have to do 40+ hours a week.  Mean Gene doesn’t like it.  Neither does Tony.  Jimmy mentions that it stinks, which is so very insightful.   Tony talks to a horse, and makes amends.  He literally apologizes to the horse, with words and everything.

Next morning. HBJ wears briefs.  They show Jimmy Hart after his shower fixing his hair, kinda like the opening scene in American Hustle.  It’s just like watching someone doing their hair.  They intercut some classic Jimmy Hart moments.  And, that’s a segment.

Jimmy (post hair) talks AGAIN about how over the coming weeks(!!! seriously?), there’s going to be some times where someone rubs someone the wrong way.  You don’t say?  Next you’re going to tell me that Hacksaw and Roddy are friends, and Tony doesn’t like horses.   Next is my very first genuine laugh, as Tony talks about how he went to get his IQ measured.  The doctor said, “Tony, I’ve got good news.  If your IQ was one point less, you’d be a banana.”  Now it’s kinda a series of Tony saying silly things, and Jimmy says, “After you spend ten minutes with Tony, it’s kinda like a waste of ten minutes.”  Sigh.  I know.  But now I feel sorta bad for making fun of him earlier, if he really is…um, barely plus banana.  He seems nice enough, and he cares about kids, so that’s cool.  Ha, second laugh, the editing cuts together Tony’s shit into complete nonsense.  I would definitely watch an hour of that every week.  Tony compares himself to a laptop, because he’s spontaneous, but at the same time, very knowledgeable.  I just went to Best Buy’s website, and they don’t even let you filter laptops by “amount of spontaneity”, which is VERY important when choosing laptops.  Followed closely by “knowledgeable”.  My computer sucks. 

Meanwhile Gene and Pat are talking about how Pat does karaoke.  Tony interrupts by saying he cleaned the toilet.  And more Tony weirdness.  I seriously love this.  I mean, I’d hate him if I had to deal with him, but he’s a fascinating character.  So spontaneous like a laptop!

Now there’s a really interesting bit where Roddy has slight trouble with the freezer.  I guess that’s gonna be a recurring gag.  Roddy and kitchen appliances.  Fink says how he wants to get in shape, so he tries to at least do 25 laps around the tennis court.  Which, good for him, but that’s really not a whole lot.  Roddy says “good for him”, which is what I said.

Next morning (maybe) Ashley is back, and so is Pat’s double glasses thing.  She invites the guys to the gym to be part of her workout.   The guys get to the gym and are SHOCKED that it’s a female excersize class.  Tony is absolutely terrified, and says he’s never been on a woman in his life, and if it comes near him, he’ll hit it.  Maybe not really.  Some chick with hair leads the guys in a Zumba workout, and it’s completely wacky how the guys can’t do Zumba right.  Poor Fink appears to be really trying, and all of them seem to be really good sports about it.  Mean Gene and Pat quit early.  Ashley is pretty cute, actually.  Tony criticizes all the other guys for not being great at Zumba, but has praise for Hacksaw.  Ashley loves Fink’s effort and Jimmy’s hair.

Later that day, Pat and Mean Gene are cooking for the guys.  They don’t know how to defrost meat, and Gene gets pissed that Jimmy points it out.  Jimmy likes to only eat baked potatoes and beans.  Pat says, “What is that, a potato?”, and Gene says “Holy Balls!”.  Fucking riveting.  So now I guess they’re not cooking, because it was too hard.  And apparently didn’t tell everyone that they weren’t, so it’s chaos.  Chaos-ish.  Jimmy informs Pat and Gene that they have heat for not cooking.  No one knows how to cook for themselves, and then Duggan comes up with the fucking revelation to call delivery.  Seriously, Roddy is blown the fuck away by how smart Hacksaw is to know that there is a thing called food delivery.  They get a GPS(?) to tell where the “nearest restaurant” is that can deliver.  Maybe they don’t have phones, or whatever, but why would they have a GPS?  Whatever.  Tony is cooking chicken, and they can’t get the GPS to work.  This is interminable.  Seriously, just fucking order a pizza.  Or cook the food.  So they’re finally cooking food, and Roddy is appreciative.  Finkel talks about how the cooking was a strategy to diffuse something that could have split the group.  Or, you know, the cooking could have been for survival.  Because you have to eat sometimes.  What a bunch of chimps.  And we come full circle, as Tony and Hacksaw are cool, and buried the hatchet.  Which happened at the beginning of the show.  Like, there must be so many hatchets.  That’s, mercifully, the end.


Mick Foley Not Signing New WWE Legends Deal

This was posted on Foley’s Facebook account:

To deal..or not to deal – that is the question. As some of you may have heard, at this point, I am opting not to sign my Legends Marketing Deal, which gives #WWE the right to market my likeness on video games and action figures. I’ll be writing in more detail about this in the next week or so, but it would be fair to say that, despite strong sales, I have found the payoffs for the past two video games to be extremely weak – in the 25% range of what most talent was expecting.  

Last year, the explanation had something to do with the video game company going bankrupt – a real shame for me, since I was heavily featured as three characters from the “Attitude” era, complete with voice work. I haven’t heard this year’s explanation yet, but, personally. I think the #WWE just wants to see if the talent will accept a far lower percentage than had previously been given. If so, it would proably be a good business move for #WWE, since very few current wrestlers are going to jeapordize their standing with the company by offering resistance – and most legends will probably come to feel like anything they get from merchandise is better than nothing.
As for me: until I hear a valid reason, I’m opting out.

Looks like the Legend’s Deals are making people unhappy. Wonder if more will follow suit with Mick

Tryout: Legends House Episode 1

Legends House: Episode 1

Hoo boy.  A couple of quick disclaimers before I get started here.  Firstly, I am known to, on occasion, watch a bit of terrible reality TV.  I have the same thoughts when I’m watching a “Surreal Life” or a “Chrisley” or a “Total Divas”…even though I intellectually know it’s awful, I still am often entertained by it.  Kind of like a Mystery Science Theatre bad movie – I just have to keep watching because I am sick and horrified that humans could create this.  And this struck me as being having the possibility of being a trainwreck of those magnitudes, so I’m kind of excited.  However, it could just be painfully boring, but I guess we’ll see.  I’m betting on it falling somewhere in the middle.

This season on Legends House – pain and contrivances.  I’m not recapping the intro, but within the first few seconds, you hear Mean Gene say “Holy Balls” at least twice, for what it’s worth.

Tony Atlas is the first one intro’d.  His voiceover says, “You probably know me best as the guy who press slammed Hulk Hogan, bench pressed five hundred pound, and doesn’t know how to properly pluralize the word ‘pound’.”  They’re in Palm Springs, entering in limos.  He says a bunch of stuff that is just words and we see the house.  Pretty nice, actually.  Lots of WWE memorabilia, and pictures of each of the wrestlers over their assigned beds.  That’s creepy.

And here comes Hillbilly Jim.  They show videos of him clotheslining King Kong Bundy and dancing with Mean Gene.  He spouts off a few country-fied slogans like, “I aint here for a long time, but I’m here for a good time.” and other shit, then him an Tony say hi and drink a Legend’s House brand beer.

Now it’s Pat Patterson with his weird manner of speaking.  He brags about creating the Royal Rumble and being the first IC champ.  As the limo pulls up, he says, “I’m here, I’m…ready…open the door, let me go.”  Come on, Pat.  You know that’s not how that goes.

Jimmy Hart is next to enter.  He looks weird.  Like, strangely the same as he used to, but he’s like, old looking.  I know this doesn’t make sense, but you kinda have to see it to know what I’m talking about.  Protip:  Don’t see it.

Howard Finkel enters, and is pretty fat.  Lillian Garcia is pretty sexy and does a great job, but there’s something about how Fink used to announce a match that made it seem more grandiose.  Hacksaw Jim Duggan is here, too.  That’s how little attention/time they give to Finkel’s entrance.  Hacksaw was one of my favorites when I was a little kid, and I’m happy to see that he seems like a nice enough and not overly annoying person. 

Now Mean Gene Okerlund is here.  Hillbilly Jim refers to him as “wrestling’s Walter Kronkite”.  Ok.  Mean Gene does an impression of Tony Atlas, which sounds like Mean Gene doing an impression of nothing.  I’m immediately annoyed as Mean Gene tries to make a joke, and it’s dumb.  Something about poop.

And finally (I hope), Roddy Piper joins the cast.  He says he’s used to people hating him.  The guys are sitting around drinking and giving Piper time to make a real entrance.  He talks about how he’s here to teach people stuff, and how complex he is.  Yeah, you’re complex.  Like vinegar and water.  You know what?  I take that back.  He seems friendly enough with all the guys and seems like he’s gonna be a good sport.  (spoiler from future me 45 minutes from now: good call.)

Mean Gene makes another joke and immediately after, some kinda hot chick in a tight red dress walks in and makes all the guys take notice.  I mean, she’s hot, but, you know, WWE hot.  Mean Gene is going to play the pervy role in this, as he comments on how she’s really pretty.  Oh God, here we go.  The first contrived bullshit “Ashley” hoists on the cast is that they have to bring bundt cakes to their neighbors and introduce themselves, which seems SO FUCKING WACKY AND HILARIOUS, YOU FUCKING PRODUCERS OF THIS SHOW.  Jimmy Hart calls her a bimbo and is upset that a girl interrupted his boys time.  I wonder if Jimmy is rooming with Pat.  Anyway, so much nothing happens that I might cry, but then, out of nowhere, Mean Gene and Tony Atlas get invited inside one of the houses for coffee!  That’s how much nothing is happening.  Roddy Piper scares the fuck out of a little kid by pretending to punch Duggan (who hilariously completely no sells it).  Seriously, the best thing that happened during this whole segment is the house owner who has a button up short sleeve shirt tucked into his jeans.  Mean Gene makes another fucking joke and this segment is mercifully over.  Oh, wait.  Now the guys have to discuss all the dumb shit that happened.  Ok, now it’s over.

Piper can’t figure out how to use the blender.  This is the premiere episode.  I know what this show is supposed to be, I promise.  I know it’s not going to be a huge hit, and it’s probably intended to be nothing more than just a cute thing to watch and add a touch of variety to the network, but holy shit.  Even still.   They talk about how private Piper is in his personal life, and then the payoff is that the blender does, in fact, eventually work.   Pat Patterson is going to cook some shit.  That’s not a euphemism.  He asks the butcher at the grocery store if “(he) likes to play with meat” – which IS a euphemism.  Jimmy Hart says, “You’re gonna have to expect the unexpected.”

While Pat cooks and complains about cooking even though he volunteered to cook, some of the guys play tennis, and Jesus, Finkel is pretty big.  Jimmy Hart says he’s going to trim him down – which is not a euphemism.   Patterson complains more about how long it takes to cook, then he ends up not cooking.  I don’t know.  Mean Gene helpfully tells us that it’s taking a long time for Pat to cook, and then it’s the next day.

Someone hits a gong, and Tony Atlas says something like, “I didn’t expect the Dong Show”, which is a euphemism, but accidental, so I’m not sure if it counts.  And oh great, Gary Busey is here.  Roddy fucking brutally says, “Why is Gary Busey here?  Motorcycle lessons?”  Ha!  And ouch!  Gary says his weird shit about releasing negativity.  They’re doing yoga or meditation or something and Gary Busey talks about honking at geese to release is boredom.  Tony probably non-ironically calls Gary “deep”.  If you’re unfamiliar with Gary Busey’s weirdness, it’s worth watching this segment.  If you’ve seen it and burned out on his eccentricities, it’s really just more of the same Gary Busey dumb shit.  Meanwhile, Hacksaw and Tony Atlas get into some kind of weird argument about who loves kids more.   Something happens about Gary Busey being different than them because he’s an actor and Roddy Piper isn’t.  “You’re an actor, I’m not.”, says Roddy.  Roddy’s point was more that as an actor, you can move on from your character and people know you as YOU, the actor – but as a wrestler, they know only you as the character you portray, 24 hours a day.   That’s actually pretty trippy to think about, but I’m not sure why Roddy seemed so angry about it.  Then again, I’d be annoyed if I had to hang out with Gary Busey.

Oh my God, this show is still going.  They talk about how they were the golden age of wrestling, which is hard to argue.  Now they discuss all the injuries and stuff that they’ve gone through, which is actually kind of what I wanted this show to be.  Like, talk about how their lives really are now, and how wrestling has affected them and continues to affect them.  Roddy is shown in bed being restless, and says he’s been sober since 09.  He’s having trouble dealing with the drinking going on here, and looks like he wants a drink.  So that’s the “complex” comment from earlier.  Piper is muttering to himself and walking down the dark street (and into the woods?) by himself, in the dark.  I feel bad for the guy.  I know that feeling of just wanting to burst through your skin and feeling like you’re just trapped.  There’s nowhere you can walk that will get you far enough from that feeling.  Anyway, the show ends.  That was a really interesting segment, and, in my opinion, redeemed the show.   More this, less bundt cakes.


Repost: Legends of Wrestling–Worst Characters

The SmarK 24/7 Rant for Legends of Wrestling: The Worst Characters in Wrestling – Your host is Mean Gene, and we’re featuring Mick Foley, Pat Patterson, Michael Hayes and Dusty Rhodes. – Mick’s pick is Mantaur, and all the bad characters at that time pissed him off because he was trying to break into the WWF at that point. He relates a story about getting ribbed by Shane Douglas in 1988 off that. – Michael’s pick (and he can’t pick Gobbledygooker or Red Rooster according to Gene) so he goes with Shockmaster. And thankfully we get the clip, because this channel rules the universe. Dusty shoulders the blame for that one, but then notes that David Crockett had nailed a 2×4 to reinforce the wall from earlier in the day, which is what Ottman tripped over on the way out. – So we move right into Dusty’s pick off that story, and he just has to pick Gobbledygooker. Pat blames Vince McMahon 100%. And hey, we get the clip of THAT, too. Gene’s disgusted “Who in the HELL came up with the Gobbledygooker?” is great to hear. Pat wonders how Dusty went out and wore polka-dots every night in the WWF. Dusty replies: “Half a million dollars a year is how I went out and wore them, daddy.” That leads into a discussion of whether Vince was trying to bury him, but Dusty says that he didn’t care because he was going to get it over out of spite if he had to. Funny story about skimming off Ted Dibiase’s money (“Three for the fans, two for me.”) – Mick brings the subject back to Mike Shaw and how he managed to get all his stupid characters over until the WWF couldn’t figure him out. Michael reveals that Ole Anderson had a personal grudge against Shaw for some reason, which is why he was depushed and fired from WCW at that point. – Back to the Gobbledygooker, as Mick speculates that they wanted to debut Undertaker in the egg, but then changed their minds at the last minute. Pat thought it would be Ric Flair, as Vince was being so secretive about the surprise that no one actually knew who was going to be in it. – So now we gotta talk about Red Rooster, and Mick relates the famous story about how both Taylor and Hennig came in on the same day and basically a coin toss dictated that Hennig got Mr. Perfect and Terry got Red Rooster. Pat wonders what’s wrong with a cock in the ring, anyway? And on that note, we take a break for some reason and have a commercial for the pay channel we’re already watching. Is this show normally on the preview channel or something? – Mick does his Vince impression while relating the story of how he almost became Mason the Mutilator, and that leads to talking about the stupid names they almost foisted onto Steve Austin. Ice Dagger, indeed. – Michael rages against Ole Anderson having Harlem Heat come out in chains. Good thing the black community has Michael Hayes fighting for them! Mick launches from there into Ron Simmons initial look as Faarooq. – Pat thinks that his time as a Stooge was a bad gimmick, although apparently Brisco loves dressing in drag. Unfortunately we get a clip of the drag Hardcore match from King of the Ring 2000. – Next topic: Bad characters that actually WORKED. Dusty starts with Goldust and how it worked so well that Dustin now feels naked without the facepaint. Hayes notes that Razor Ramon actually refused to work with him because it was so out there. Dusty admits that he didn’t like the gimmick at the time and he always kind of resented that they’d do that his son. But it grew on him later. – They talk about the many failed gimmicks of Scott Hall, and how Diamond Studd morphed into Razor Ramon (complete with a COOL transition of Diamond Studd starting the Razor’s Edge and turning into Ramon doing the move), and how it worked because Razor Ramon was in him all along, waiting to get out. – They talk about George Steele, complete with the awesome bit from Tuesday Night Titans where George gets shock treatment and briefly speaks like a normal person. Sadly, the quack doctor gives him too much juice and fries his brain again. – Mick talks about how Vince thought pop culture was passing him by in 1997, so he started telling the guys that they’d have to put more of themselves into the characters rather than just interchanging garbagemen and plumbers. This leads to talking about Undertaker and how he’s been able to survive with the same gimmick for 18 years because of his passion. Although really the gimmick itself has changed drastically four or five times. – And this leads us to the worst moments in wrestling history. Dusty talks about the electric chair debacle at Hallowen Havoc 91, and the less said about that the better. Mick brings up throwing a fireball at Paul Bearer in 1997 and doing so badly at it that Undertaker had to take the flash paper and do it himself. – Michael talks about trying to follow “Badstreet USA” with “I’m a Freebird And What’s Your Excuse” and bombing with it, which leads to Mick doing his Dusty impression to explain why Missy Hyatt got dumped into a bucket of water. The whole “New Freebirds” thing was pretty stupid, indeed. Mick is still bitter because he and Van Hammer got the “best match” bonus that night and Abdullah cut himself into it because of his run-in. – Pat wraps things up with a quick story about running a show in Quebec with arena staff who could barely speak English and mixed all the entrance music up…and we get CLIPS! A really fun and interesting show, and they should just let them talk for 3 hours because it would be way better than the current product on PPV, I’d bet. I hope these stick around on Sasktel.

Newsday Jimmy Hart feature, speaks on Legends’ House, etc.

We also added a new photo gallery chronicling some of WWE's history, with several photos provided to Newsday by WWE:

We also added several photos to our Women of professional wrestling gallery, also with photos provided to Newsday by WWE:

Thanks much!