The SmarK Rant for GWF Major League Wrestling–07.07.92

The SmarK Rant for GWF Major League Wrestling – 07.07.92 Black History Month continues! I know there’s all this awesome Mid South finally up on the Network to review as a part of this deal, but COME ON! Like I can resist the temptation to review the awfulness of GWF, complete with a battle royale main event. It’s like catnip to me. Also, speaking of Black History Month, it’s clear that Seth Rollins has no black in his family history. So this was the GWF, Joe Pedicino’s attempt to sort of carry on the legacy of World Class, but using no-name talent and really stupid booking ideas. There was a period in 1991 when Eddie Gilbert was booking that was pretty decent, but this is well after he was gone and things were going downhill fast. Taped in Dallas, I believe. Your host is David Webb. Booker T & Stevie Ray v. Rod Price & John Tatum Price is a former bodybuilder who gained his only measure of infamy in the sport by having his hair plugs ripped out by Chris Adams during a match in a rather vicious act of revenge. Booker and Stevie (billed as “The Ebony Experience” at this point) are so juiced they look like cartoon characters who have had bicycle pumps shoved up their ass and inflated them to twice their normal size. Thank god they toned it down when they went to WCW and presumably just switched to cocaine instead like everyone else. The Experience overpowers the heels, but Tatum takes over on Booker as we take a break. Back with Price holding a chinlock, and it’s over to Tatum for another chinlock. Tatum, somewhat past his prime at this point shall we say, looks like a deadbeat dad who lives in a trailer park. Maybe that was his character at this point, I dunno. Booker tries a comeback and misses a bodypress, and Price comes in and he’s even more ridiculously roided than Booker! How could they afford drugs on the shitty paydays they were getting? The white guys take turns beating on the black guys with time running out, but Booker gets the hot tag to Stevie as time expires at 10:00. Why would you book it to end like that? Whole lot of nothing here. ½* Scott Putski v. Black Bart Putski is the champion of the promotion, which should tell you everything you need to know, but this is non-title. First 2:00 is stalling, as Bart is coming off the Desperadoes phase of his career and not looking very motivated. Putski controls with armdrags and clotheslines him out of the ring as, I shit you not, fire alarms start going off in the Sportatorium while they’re taping the show. So they take a break. Back with Bart choking away in the corner. Putski seems to be trying to channel the Ultimate Warrior or something with his selling. That’s not a compliment. Putski comes back with the Polish Hammer, but Johnny Mantel runs in for the DQ at 8:00 to continue their heated feud. According to my extensive research on Wikipedia, Putski won the title by beating Mantel in a battle of top contenders when previous champion Eddie Gilbert was fired due to massive budget cuts, and then was himself fired a month later. So now you’re caught up. DUD “Sensational” Steven Dane v. Chaz Dane, the former jobber Steven Casey, is clearly ripping off “Stunning” Steve Austin so blatantly that even the guys who make those Asylum direct-to-DVD movies would be like “Whoa, dude, try some originality.” Chaz is the usual white bread Lightning Kid-style babyface underdog, although one who is kinda pudgy. Apparently Dane is now dating Chaz’s former girlfriend or something. Chaz overpowers him with his mighty mullet and gets a bodypress for two, but Dane slugs away on the ropes. We randomly take a break at this point and return with the announcer actually making a Freudian slip and calling him “Stunning Steve”! Dane chokes away on the ropes and gets a sleeper while the announcer clarifies that Chaz is a “teen heartthrob”. Perhaps in the same magazines where Tommy Dreamer was also a heartthrob? Chaz makes his comeback but gets distracted by the chick and rolled up for the pin at 7:40. Yup, a distraction finish. Afterwards, Chaz is so distraught that the announcer has to awkwardly get him to clarify that she was his girlfriend so we can understand what the fuck was going on. ½* BUNKHOUSE BATTLE ROYALE So everyone from the show returns, with the winner getting a CERTIFIED CHEQUE for $2000! That’s barely enough to cover Booker T’s steroid bill. So stuff happens here, fuck if I can be bothered to pay attention. So after 5:00 of bullshit and guys I’ve never heard of getting tossed out, we’re down to the Ebony Experience against Black Bart & Johnny Mantel. We return with the cowboys holding our heroes in twin chinlocks. I would be remiss in not noting that Booker T, in his attempt to dress for a bunkhouse match, looks like he’s auditioning for a Paula Abdul video as a backup dancer. The Ebonies escape the vicious chinlocks and come back with chinlocks of their own, then toss the cowboys to win the battle royale at 10:00. Because, you know, two guys could apparently win this match as a team. Afterwards, they issue a challenge to the tag champions, although they apparently don’t know who the tag champions are, but they don’t care anyway! They would in fact go on to win those belts at the end of the month from those mysterious champions. In case you were wondering. The Pulse Sucks to be Seth Rollins tonight.

BoD Fantasy Basketball League

There is currently one slot open but anyone else from last year who wants to stay in the league, let me know ASAP. If you do not want to stay in let me know here or by email. I sent out the invites to everyone else in the league. If I do not hear from you by next Tuesday, I will assume that you want out of the league and will fill your team with someone else.

Draft is on  Sunday October 19th at 8:30pm EST

Email me at [email protected] with any questions

TNA event at Minor League Baseball stadium draws 300 or less fans

Here are some photos.

It's gone beyond the point where this is funny. Now it's just really pathetic and sad.

But judging by the rules of comedy it will probably be funny again soon.

​Pretty sure it's just sad.  ​

Fantasy Baseball League of Doom plug

It's me, Davidbonzaisaldanamontgomery! *insert DDP smile* I know the following will sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to you (waghwagh waghwaghwagh….), since I know you just LOVE baseball and fantasy sports, but I was wondering if you could do me a solid and post this plug for the 2014 Fantasy Baseball League of DOOM! As the commissioner of said league (as well as BACK-TO-BACK Fantasy Football League of DOOM! champion) I'm looking for competitive players who will play actively from March through September, and not just slack off the second they're under .500. 
I have sent invites to the three other playoff-qualifying teams from last season since I know they will provide sufficient competition: I'm Rusty Kuntz?, The Human Cespedes, and The Real Nitzilla. That leaves six slots at least up for grabs for anyone who is interested in playing, and if there is a demand for more, I'm opening to pulling an NHL and expanding the league more than I should.
Here are the particulars:
–Draft is tentatively scheduled for Sunday, March 16th at 8:00 ET/5:00 PT, unless there's enough life conflicts that we can move the date/time.
–AUCTION DRAFT. That's right, Fuj, this is a real fucking league of GM skills. Mike Trout isn't just gonna fall in the lap of the lucky bastard who wins the luck of the automated draw; every owner has a shot at every player, which is way more interesting in terms of roster building (and drafted, since you're always on the clock and bidding against others). Do you break your budget for superstars or balance it out? How do you divvy up your cash between pitching and hitting? And so forth. 
–Head-to-head weekly matchups by categories, wins and losses culminate over the season (so if you win 7 out of 10 categories in your opening match, you'll carry a 7-3 record into the next match, similar to the Fantasy Basketball League of DOOM).
–Basic 5×5 scoring categories as follows:
Offense: AVG, R, HR, RBI, SB
Pitching: W, ERA, WHIP, K, SV
 -7-player weekly acquisition limit, but no seasonal limit on acquisitions and no games played limit on hitters or innings pitched. Starting lineups will consist of C, 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, 3 OF slots, and 2 UTIL slots; your daily starting pitching roster can have 2 active SP, 2 RP, and 4 SP/RP slots. There are five bench slots for the rest of your team and 2 DL slots.
Anyone who is interested, please shoot an email to [email protected], first come, first served. If you are interested, you're more than welcome to play as long as you intend to play all season long, whether you're top of the division or chilling like a Cub at the bottom.

Vince McMahon may buy a Premier League team?

IBF? XFL?  This should end well.

People have been saying it's more likely Shane buying it and they just got the wrong McMahon via the telephone game somewhere.  
Also, hockey is the only real sport and deep down everyone in the UK knows it but they're jealous because they can't maintain a good enough ice surface to play it at a high level.  Sorry, but it had to be said.

Fantasy Baseball League of DOOM! plug

'Tis I, DSM, YOUR 2012 Fantasy Football League of Doom! World Heavyweight Champion of the World, hoping I can get a plug for a fantasy baseball league…OF DOOM! 

Since I'm a pretty competitive fellow when it comes to these things, I'm hoping I can find nine others here who will play with the same drive, i,e. people who will show up for the online draft and won't give up if they're doing bad out of the gate. Here's the league settings for anyone who wants to join:

-10 team league, head-to-head weekly matchups (like in Fuj's FFLoD league)

-Head-to-Head weekly matchups done in Every Category fashion (you get a W, L, or D for each category every week, basic 5×5 stats) with a 7-acquisition limit each week.

-AUCTION draft (this is the true test of GM skills, plus I like everyone having a shot at anyone they want; please join only if you're down for this); draft tentatively scheduled for Sat, 3/30 at 7pm ET unless there's a better time that works for most

–23-player rosters: a starting lineup consisting of a C, 1B, 2B, 3B, SS, 3 OF spots, and 2 UTIL players, 2 SP, 2 RP, 4 Pitcher spots, plus 5 bench slots, and 2 DL slots. Yes, we have DL slots; suck it Fuj!

-4 playoff teams after 20 weeks of play; playoffs will be held in a 2-week/matchup format.

Anyone who wishes to play can drop me an e-mail so I can give them an invite, just send a line to [email protected]

Yes, that is my actual e-mail handle, named after Batista's refusal to hug Eugene and offering him a can-do salute instead.