The Dark Knight: Extreme Rules


On many occasions you’ve mocked the WWE booking by asking why they couldn’t produce a monster heel the way that Christopher Nolan did.  In doing so, I think you miss the point.  We had it.  And it was awesome.  You even said so… until the finish you didn’t like.  But let me recap the Cena/Lesnar feud, only using the names of DC people to show you the movie you got.


Batman {John Cena} has just been vanquished in an Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny against Superman {The Rock}.  The citizens of Gotham {The WWE Universe} see Superman as their hero and begin to question whether Batman is even necessary.  Even Batman is left with doubt.  And at this moment, enter Bane {Brock Lesnar}, who swoops in and, in full view of the public, delivers a first-rate beating to Batman.  Here comes a new monster criminal, and he dispatched of Batman like Batman wasn’t even there.The fans begin to think: if only Superman were still around.  But Superman is off to Metropolis {Hollywood} to make sure Lex Luthor {Uwe Boll} doesn’t start any evil.
Bane is ready to begin his reign of terror, but every time he starts to begin mayhem, Batman is right back, doing what he can to hold him off.  Then, with a single shot, Bane makes Batman bleed.  Batman loses his cool and rushes Bane, and it takes every single Gotham police officer {the WWE locker room} to restore order after the resulting stalemate.  However, Bane makes one thing clear to Batman: Bane was holding back.
As weeks go by, we see less of Batman’s might and more of Bane’s.  He begins to taunt Batman {“I’m an asskicker”}, leaving the Gothamites thinking their hero is past it.  The mental toll gets so bad that a lesser thug {Tensai} actually gets away with his crime after he and his minions {Sakamoto} defeat Batman in a fight.  Gotham is stunned; their hero has lost it.  And Superman?  Nowhere to be found.  Gotham is doomed.
At Wayne Manor, Bruce is sitting in a chair, head in his hands, mentally broken.  He’s trying to write off Bane as being too big a threat for one man, justifying to himself that the city’s villains should win.  Just as all is lost, he receives a visitor from his past: Nightwing {Edge}.  Nightwing berates Bruce for losing heart, reminding him of all the trouble Bruce helped him through in recovering from the past.  He reminds Batman — never calling him Bruce Wayne, even at Bruce’s insistence — that Bane must be stopped for the good of the city.  And that even when the rest of Gotham has abandoned him, Nightwing knows Batman can do it. 
Silently, Bruce Wayne rises and puts his cowl back on.  He arrives at City Hall just as Bane is demanding control of the city from Commissioner Gordon’s deputy {John Laurinaitis}.  With one appearance, he declares that there will be no ransom, no plunder, and no blackmail.  He WILL destroy Bane and restore peace to Gotham.  Bane challenges him to a fight at sundown {Extreme Rules}.
Sundown arrives, and as Batman marches to the appointed place, Bane strikes from nowhere and knocks Batman into the wall, reprising the bloody shot from earlier.  Throughout the fight, Bane dominates, but his insistence on trying to cripple Batman means that he never hits the killshot.  Every time Bane is certain he has Batman beat, Batman stands back up and asks for more.  In the end, Bane’s arrogance gets the best of him.See, during the final fight, Batman’s utility belt flies off.  Bane has it in his hands — all of Batman’s weapons — and tosses it aside, certain he doesn’t need it.  Batman uses the distraction to activate a weapon from the belt remotely, which fires into Bane, stunning him.  Batman then musters up enough for one final coup de grace… and as it lands, both men are down.  Batman slowly sits up; Bane doesn’t.
Gotham police arrive on the scene, cleaning up the mess.  They’re followed by curious onlookers.  Bane is placed in cuffs and hauled off to Arkham.  The police call for an ambulance to tend to Batman… but with a pithy one-liner, Batman brushes them off and hobbles to the Batmobile.  The job is done.  Roll credits.
Seriously, Scott, how was that a bad movie?  Because Bane lost?  That seemed to be your major complaint.  You wanted Batman to lose a Batman movie.  Was that all?

You’re wacky.  But I really enjoyed your font.  

Dark Knight Rises

I normally prefer to review books and movies from years or even decades in the past, but no one I know has seen The Dark Knight Rises yet, so I had to discuss it somehow:
Warning: while there are no specific spoilers, it's nonetheless spoiler-ish.


The movie seems to be polarizing the internet nerds.  I fell on the side of wanting to yell "PLAY IT AGAIN!" at the screen when it was over, but others seem to disagree.  
I will say, however, that clearly what should have happened is that Batman beats Bane the first time they meet and then spends the rest of the movie making jokes, while Bane has his balding Jewish manager make legal threats at Commissioner Gordon instead of doing anything.  Because, like, who knows if Bane would have bailed in the middle of the movie?  Plus then they used him to let everyone know that Batman is the biggest star!  They'd make BILLIONS!

The Only Review of The Dark Knight Rises That You’ll Ever Need…

After you read my review, then you have my permission to die….er, wait, buy my book first, then you have my permission to die.

My biggest beef with reviews, is not whether or not they dug whatever the product is, but not knowing where they come from. What they prefer. So, I’m gonna give you a bit of my backround so you know.

My top three favorite films of all time are 1. Boogie Nights, 2. Scream, and 3. The Expendables [Director’s Cut].

I love Batman. Always have. I saw Batman 89 at a Drive-In. I’ve been obsessed with him since I was a child. I love comic book films.

I gave Batman Begins about ***1/4 out of 5, because it failed for a lot of reasons. If you want my full review, you can go here to see how I rank all the films.

I gave The Dark Knight about ****-****1/4 out of 5. I felt it dragged on too long, and should have only had one villain. 

I was very excited about this film. When it started, I honestly felt like I did when Rock v Cena was about to happen. I couldn’t believe I was about to see this film, I was so excited for it. My excitement remained through out the whole film.

Even if I won’t ever feel the need to really see it again.

The film, as you probably already know, is about Bane coming to finish what Ra’s Ah Ghul started; the destruction of Gotham. He gets off to a start with big construction projects under the streets of Gotham, while above, others are trying to destroy Bruce Wayne in order to take control of his company.

Let me say above all else, Bane is fucking awesome. I loved the mask, I loved the accent, I loved that he was as big as a brick house that was powered by a lot of rage. I really feel like he steals the show, just as The Joker stole it in Dark Knight.

Naturally, to answer Bane’s call, Bruce returns to the mantle of Batman and seeks to stop Bane at the choke-point. Along with him, is of course Gordon, and a new cop who has believed in Batman since day one, played by Joesph-Gordon Levitt. On her own side, is Selina Kyle, Catwoman, played by Anne Hathaway, who does one hell of a job. Her movements, the way she speaks, the way she looks in the suit, it’s the most perfect representation of Catwoman I think we’ll ever see. She’s incredible.

All of these characters come to call in the crescendo that is the battle for Gotham City’s soul.

The footage is fantastic, with Bane looking as imposing as a villain as I’ve ever seen. The underground of Gotham is very lush, and the upside is beautiful in it’s coldness. Nolan of course did great with this.

He also fixed Bane’s voice, so he’s clear as day, as well as the problem with his fight footage. You can actually see things now. Unfortunately, Batman still sounds like an idiot.

Now, we’ll use that as a segue into what I didn’t like.

It ran too long. Just like The Dark Knight, there’s a good chunk that could have been cut.

Again, Nolan takes things TOO serious. I get that you want this to take place in the real world, but man, scale down your plots. It got SO huge and grandiose that it was a bit ridiculous.

The film wasn’t as fun as TDK, or even Batman Begins. I just felt it lacked too much Batman, honestly. Also, a problem I had, was when Batman makes his big return, the first shot of him is rather disappointing. I wanted something big, you know? It’s been 4 years since the last one, and it’s been 8 years in the canon of the films. I just wanted a bit more, that’s all.

The fight scenes with Batman & Bane do not disappoint. They’re awesome, and something I could have watched for hours.

Now, I’m gonna write something in white here, and you’ll have to highlight to see it. For those that have seen it, I just want to talk about something I loved…

The death of Batman. I seriously thought they did it. That they killed Batman. I had tears running down my face, I really did. It was because Batman, much like a lot of my childhood heroes, represents the best in all of us. The best that we can all be, if we just aspire to be it. These thoughts & beliefs that get instilled in us while we’re still innocent enough to think that’s what everyone has, and wants. He’s why I work out. He’s why I strive so hard to be the best I can be for myself, and those around me. It’s what I hope everyone else gets out of it too, and to see that symbol actually die, for the first time ever, was moving.

In the end, it’s a pretty good film. Not great. Not better than The Avengers, or Spider-Man, but still really good.

***3/4 out of 5.

– Caliber Winfield