Well given Disqus’ problems it seems silly to break down these into hourly threads but like the WWE once we commit to a failed idea at the BoD we gotta see it through.
Hopefully you are enjoying the card or the thread.
For the record my stream is awesome so far.
All right Blog O’Doomers, we’re three threads in. Disqus apparently is going to make sure we don’t break any records tonight but I appreciate the people that are sticking through the issues and completely understand those who aren’t.
Once again, Reddit spoilers will be deleted and those that post them may get their wigs split!
Keep it clean!
All right we survived the pre-game so now it’s time for the real show. Very quickly here are my predictions since no one asked!
— The Bella Twins over A.J./Paige since the Bellas appear to win every week.
— Daniel Bryan wins I-C Ladder Match by outlasting Dolph Ziggler after 20 minutes
— Seth Rollins over Randy Orton because Seth really needs this win.
— Undertaker over Bray Wyatt to start a new streak, don’t think he’ll get to 21 this time.
— John Cena over Rusev for the U.S. Title although I don’t expect this Cena title reign to last long. Rusev is the right guy for that belt.
— Sting over HHH because HHH always won the real life battle here. No need for him to win the worked match right…Right???!?!
— Roman Reigns over Brock Lesnar when Paul Heyman turns on his monster for the new,youngrt monster (or at least the WWE hopes).
Total nonstop Southern States Wrestling from the world famous Kingsport Farmers Market!
Jake Booth vs Troy Buchanan
After the usual intro (minus any semi-famous wrestler plugs), we start off cold with introductions for the opening match from the Thanksgiving Extravaganza. The weather caused many issues with wrestlers being unable to make the card, so I guess Jake’s shot at the Streetfighting championship will have to wait for another day.
The bell rings and, OH HAPPY DAY! Joe Wheeler is alone on the stick! That alone should be enough to push even a Jake Booth match up to DUD level!
Wearing the old amateur wrestling tights that he probably stole from his high school, Booth backs Buchanan into the corner, who immediately turns up the chickenshit in fear of this wrestling monstrosity. As Jake does the same in another corner, Joe Wheeler is really on his game here, somehow finding a way of making the move to the Farmer’s Market seem like a big deal. Maybe it is, as this place is quite honestly worlds better than the Grey Community Center.
Buchanan eventually stops his stalling to get Jake into a side headlock, giving Wheeler time to sing his praises. Jake twists out into a hammerlock, playing into his strengths, as he can do these moves adequately if you let him do them really slow.
Buchanan stalls a good bit more before they finally lock up again, resulting in a go-behind that leads to a schoolboy for a two count, which leads to another thirty seconds of stalling from Buchanan.
Joe Wheeler gets muted out on his attempt to tell the audience about
Christmas Night Star Wars when the on screen graphic tells us that it is being held on December 23rd. Beau James should give up on having his announcers promote his upcoming shows, as they almost never work out as planned.
Finally, Buchanan gets the bright idea to just kick Booth in the gut, and he takes over with a small set of SSW Main Event Offense. Buchanan is okay here, like a poor man’s Kyle Kool. I’m just happy to see somebody that looks only slightly obese.
Buchanan sends Jake into the ropes for a backdrop, but Booth counters into a sloppy sunset flip that gets about 2.7. The boys must be comfortable with this ref, as two near falls in the same match are practically unheard of in SSW. Buchanan is up first and connects with a hard running elbow, covering for almost 2.
As Joe Wheeler tells us about Buchanan’s exploits as one half of the T-Rex Express, Buchanan goes up to THE SECOND ROPE and connects with a double axe handle. But Troy chooses to jaw with the fans, allowing Jake enough time to recover with a few two-handed punches. After Troy clearly tells Jake what to do, Jake comes off the ropes and runs into a kneelift.
After spending an eternity telling Jake what to do next, he throws Jake off the ropes, who ducks the move and bounces back with a clothesline to the lower chest. Yeah, I wouldn’t trust Jake Booth to throw his arms anywhere near my face either.
After an awkward biel, and an even more awkward chest-bump kind of move, Jake whips Buchanan into the far corner, but catches a boot coming in. Tempting the fates, Buchanan heads up to the second rope again for another double axe handle, but this time Jake catches him with a shot to the gut, leading to a comical delayed flip bump a good second after getting hit.
Jake sets up for his patented football tackle…and connects! He follows up with a Kamala-like splash that’s good enough for the pin.
Winner in about 5:30, the savage from deepest, darkest Kingsport, Jake Booth 1/2*
I have to admit, Jake is getting a little better. He’s moved down a notch from “ultra suck” to “super suck”. And it’s so refreshing to hear Joe Wheeler call a match unencumbered.
Speaking of Wheeler, he is back to interview the newcomers The Washington Bullets. They speak of the great tag teams to have passed through Southern States Wrestling over the years, such as Edge & Christian, but they are better than them all. They crow about their victory tonight, as the helpful graphic tells us that we will see them in action in two weeks. They’ve been all over the place…Florida…Georgia…and they’re coming to prove that they are better than each and every one of us. Even kbjone! They’re job us to win, ours is to lose!
Christmas Night Star Wars takes place on Decemeber 23rd, Misty James birthday, in a WELL HEATED Farmers Market! I’m sure that the 30 or so people in attendance at this last show will attest to that.
Wheeler is back with the SSW Champion D’Andre Jackson. Unfortunately, due to travel issues, Frank Parker was unable to get his title shot at the Thanksgiving Extravaganza, but he will get his chance at Star Wars. Beau James apparently gets distracted, or just stops giving a shit, because after the first muting he just lets all the other references to Christmas Night slide. D’Andre asks Joe what’s on his Christmas Wish List. Joe answers “Peace and happiness through the world.” D’Andre answers “A win over Frank Parker.” Not quite as noble. After a rambling interview that literally says nothing, he makes us wait a good ten seconds before delivering his even more meaningless catchphrase. If his job as champion is to sound even worse than Jake Booth, then mission accomplished!
Southern States Wrestling Television Title Match: Scott Sterling(c) vs Beau James
The relentless onslaught of wrestling action continues, as we immediately join into the start of this match, the match that just three weeks ago Beau James himself told us would never be televised.
Apparently, this match has a twenty minute time limit, but the TV title is only on the line for the first fifteen minutes. I don’t think you need me to tell you how this match is going to end…but I need to figure out how to stay sane watching a Beau James match FOR OVER FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES!
Sorry, imma just gonna go with the Cliff Notes version of the match calling here.
First five minutes: Tie up. Tie up. Armbar. Arm ringer. Hammerlock. Armbar. Hand stomp. Arm bar. Arm ringer. Hammerlock. Reversal. Mute out Joe Wheeler. Hair pull. Headlock. Another reminder that the Farmers Market is well heated. ArmBAR.
Second five minutes: Hip toss. Shoulder block. Clothesline. Two count. ARMbar! Hair pull. Corner whip. Missed charge. Elbow. Punch.
Third five minutes: Punch. Choke. Hand stamp. Kick. Wristlock. Punch x 5. Elbow. Uppercut. Two count. Forearm. Rope choke. Head butt. CHOKE! Eye gouge. Mule kick. Punch. Punch. Chop. Biel. Eye gouge. Arm ringer. ARMMOTHERFUCKINGBAR! Eye gouge! Choke! Forearm! Forearm! Punch! Kick! Double chop! Double throat thrust! Punch x 4! Elbow! Back rake!
Immediately after the fifteen mark of the match was announced. Beau James locks in a Cobra Clutch, and within ten seconds puts Scott Sterling down for the pin.
Winner in about 15:10 via Stall Time Is Finally Over, Beau James.
However, by stipulation, still SSW TV Champion, Scott Sterling. -***
I’m sorry. I thought I could make this entertaining…but these two old men blatantly engaging in a fifteen minute stallfest just to get out of the stupid booking corner they painted themselves into broke the limit inside me. I’m begging someone to hide me.
HUGE NEWS UPDATE: They have actually created a television title belt! And it looks like one of those cardboard things that the Hardy Boys used in their elementary school trampoline fed! Scott Sterling tries to slink away with his title, but is too fat to fit under the bottom rope as we go to commercial.
Tim Young’s Unnamed Marketing Firm must be a joke…but it ceased being funny months ago.
Joe Wheeler backstage with a not-very-happy Scott Sterling, allowing us a good shot at just how chintzy this new belt is. Due to Jake Booth being due a rematch, and Beau James defeating Scott Sterling and remaining the number one contender, Scott Sterling will have to defend his TV title at Christmas Star Wars against Jake Booth and Beau James in a “Round Robin Match” A coin toss will determine which wrestler Sterling will face first, the loser will go to the floor, the guy that was on the floor will replace him for another match, and the process repeats until one wrestler has earned a win over both opponents. Congratulations on finding something more convoluted than a Triple Threat Match! Scott says he’s been beating these guys for the past two years, so he doesn’t care about beating them both on the same night.
They don’t even let Joe finish his final comments before scrolling up to an interview with Jake Booth. Joe spends another thirty seconds explaining the stips again before giving Jake a chance to talk…which was actually a pretty good idea. Jake Booth has wrestled Scott Sterling all over the place, and he knows all about him and his rulebreaking ways, and knows he’s got to keep an eye on him. But he also knows that he doesn’t have to worry about his Uncle Beau James…
Which brings out…an enraged Beau James into the shot? Let’s make up for shirking his match by transcribing his promo:
“Hold on. Wait a minute. I just walked in here to wait my turn to hear my own nephew say he doesn’t have to worry about me? You just said it right here on the TV for everyone to hear, you think because you’re the hot new thing you don’t have to worry about your uncle? You better ask this guy right here, Joe Wheeler, cuz he’ll tell you you better worry about me! I’m the person that put Robert Fuller’s lights out! I’m the person that got up from Jerry Lawler’s piledriver! And you’re gonna come on this T…Joe Wheeler, if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even be on this TV! If it wasn’t for me nobody would even care about you! Tell me you don’t have to worry about me, I put my whole life into this profession, and you’re gonna come on TV and make some smart remark like that!”
As a fuming Beau James stalks away, a confused Jake Booth tells Joe that all he was going to say was that he didn’t have to worry about Beau James breaking the rules, as we cut to the Jesus Saves!! sign to close the show.
Beau James heel turn? I’m down for it. They’ve done all they can fighting Scott Sterling and Frank Parker, so the only people left for the James Family to fight is each other.
Over 20 minutes of wrestling on this show, about as much as RAW these days. If Beau James can make his own shitfests more palatable with heel tactics, they might be on the verge of filling the well heated Farmers Market some day.
Looks like Beau James still had some crap left to scrap off the bottom of September’s Fall Spectacular. Let’s head into this with all the enthusiasm of a Jake Booth squash match!
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
November 8th, 2014
This is the Dirty Fat Boy, and Mountain Empire, this is your wrestling!
This week we are once again hosted by Dakota Booth, who has move up from the White Trash haircut to the Perennial High School Jock haircut. Dakota appears to have doubled his dose of Xanax this week, which is probably for the best. We’ve got two more big matches from the Fall Spectacular, as well as some outdated news on the upcoming Thanksgiving Extravaganza, so let’s get at it already.
The Iron Cross vs Shawn Cruise
For once we get to see a match from the very beginning! There’s no graphics this week, and there’s about a dozen different ways to spell Shaun Cruz, so I’ll just keep making stabs in the dark and hope that one of them is right.
Iron Cross extends his hand, which Cruze refuses to shake, effectively establishing the face/heel dynamic. I believe this was the opening match on the show, and as y’all know by now, you can’t get a Southern States Wrestling show started without a god-damned armbar.
Joe Wheeler says that Iron Cross is “always happy to share his testimony with you and help lead folks to The Good Lord.” Is he the most whitebread babyface in the history of the industry or what? They trade armbars for a minute until Crooze gains control with a headlock. Iron Cross complains to the ref that his mask was pulled. Is that actually illegal? Joe Wheeler thinks so. As Shone takes Cross over with the headlock, it appears that he is actually laughing over how hokey this match is.
Cross immediately reverses into a headscissors, that Kruise breaks with a foot on the ropes. We’re two minutes into the match with almost no exertion by either man. I fear that God is punishing me for my earlier blasphemy by forcing me to watch these two in a sixty minute Broadway.
As Sean stalls outside the ring, Iron Cross does Wrestling 101 by clapping his hands to receive support, and the crowd does Crowd 101 by clapping along.
Joe Wheeler: “This is like a game of chess, you’ve got to be thinking two or three heads amove.” Man, Wheeler just did not give a shit at this show.
More armbar reversals AND AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT BY IRON CROSS! But he doesn’t even go for the pin, going back to the armbar instead. YOU FOOL!!!
Crews gets to the rope, then does Heel 101 by claiming that Cross pulled his crew cut, and the crowd does Crowd 101 by booing him. What the hell did Beau James do to this crowd to make them respond with such North Korean precision?
Some crisscrossing leads to a hiptoss by Cross. I bet that 90% of people training to be wrestlers will at some point run through this exact match, move for move. It’s about as basic as it could possibly get. Bodyslam by Cross gets two. Cruss backs off, asks for a handshake, and uses the diversion to land a poke to the eye. Cruus gets to punchin’, but Cross punches back.
Kruise throws Iron Cross into the far corner, then charges and flies chin first into Cross’s elbow, which works about as well as you’d expect. Big backdrop by Iron Cross launches the referee standing on the opposite side of the ring two feet into the air. Vertical suplex by Cross, and dare I say that this match has finally shifted into second gear?
But alas, like Beau James in bed, it ends just when it starts getting good. Qruz reverses a whip into the ropes, but Cross ducks a clothesline and comes back with a Thesz Press for the pin.
Winner at 5:00 via Dick To The Gut, The Iron Cross. 3/4*
Bland, and extremely basic, but they didn’t fuck anything up. Definitely an improvement over what Southern States Wrestling usually has to offer.
Although Dakota is back to tell us about purchasing tickets for the Thanksgiving Extravaganza at the Kingsport Civic Auditorium, earlier this week the following cryptic message was posted to the SSW Facebook site:
To make sure that we would be able to have both Holiday Events (Thanksgiving and Christmas) we have made an agreement with the city of Kingsport. The Holiday events will be held Weds. Nov 26 and Christmas Night at The Kingsport Farmer’s Market.
I have no idea if that’s a good or bad thing. Can any of my readers out in Kingsport tell me about the Farmer’s Market venue vis a vis the Civic Auditorium?
When we come back, we will look and hear from our Television Champion, Scott Sterling!
After the usual Bible Thumping, Unnamed Marketing Drivel, Dr. Tom Pritchard Plug, and advertising a wrestling show in the wrong fucking building, Dakota Booth thanks everyone for bringing food to the Grey TV taping from which no footage could be taped, then introduces for the 42nd time the footage from last Christmas that started the Cripplers/James family feud, before we get another interview from the TV Champion. Sterling tells Beau James that he has “some kind of guts”. When talking about these two guys, I don’t know whether to take that literally or figuratively. He’s coming for Beau on Thansgiving Eve, and he’d better eat some turkey in advance, because he’s stuffing him that night!
Next Joe Wheeler is standing by with the NEW Southern Heavyweight Champion Wolfie D! Wolfie tries to retcon a standing feud with Dr. Tom Pritchard laying out PG-13 over 20 years ago. It’s jarring hearing an actual wrestler with big time experience give a promo…nobody will ever mistake Wolfie D for one of the great promo talents of all time, but he sounds light years advanced over the Sterling crap we just listened to. He’s coming back to Kingsport on Thanksgiving Eve, and he’ll take on anyone!
Coming up: the brawl for the Southern States Wrestling Streetfighting Championship!
After Jake Booth’s promo from last week is recycled, we cut to the Streetfighting Brawl in progress.
Battle Royal for the Southern States Wrestling Streetfighting Championship
I recognize Chic White and Equalizer Krunch of The Death Riders, Bobo Brown, and Iron Cross, but not the other two schmucks in the ring. This was originally advertised as an Weapons Battle Royal open to anyone of any gender, but I only see six guys and no weapons in use.
Everyone is just kind of doing their thing, and it’s really hard to call this match. Joe Wheeler wisely points out that The Death Riders are the only tag team in the ring, so he wouldn’t be surprised to see those two standing alone in the end. One of the anonymous guys, who Joe Wheeler doesn’t even know (big surprise there) dumps Iron Cross out of the ring, then gets dumped immediately after by Chic.
So our Final Four are The Death Riders, Bobo Brown, and the Blond Anonymous Guy, and Joe doesn’t know who he is either. The Death Riders team up to dump The Notorius B.A.G., then turn their sights onto Bobo Brown. Brown holds his own with some headbutts, because he’s a black guy. Equalizer Krunch nails a DDT, and a referee comes in to count the three count, as this is apparently an Over The Top Rope Unless You’re Too Fat And Green To Physically Go Over Battle Royal.
The Death Riders celebrate their apparent victory, but the referee and the ring announcer all say that there must be a single winner. Both guys seem apprehensive, but then Krunch yells out “This is what me and Chic do when we can’t find anyone TO fight!” Krunch extends his hand to Chic, then extends the other hand clubbering across his back. Chic comes back and covers for a one count, and it seems that there are three referees covering this match. SSW must be rolling in the dough to employ three referees for a single match.
Krunch works over his partner’s leg for a bit before Chic escapes with a rake to the eyes. Chic whips Krunch into the far ropes, but Krunch just stops and holds on. Chic makes a mad dash and throws himself over the top rope (Krunch was five feet away, holding the rope down an inch or so), and Equalizer Krunch wins the cash prize and the gold knucks that stands in as the SSW Streetfighting Championship.
Winner in about 4:30 via Suspension of Disbelief, and NEW SSW Streetfighting Champion, Equalizer Krunch. -**
I don’t rate battle royales, but I’ll give them one negative star for each anonymous guy that nobody can bother to identify.
And rest easy, Death Rider fans, for Chic and Krunch make up after the match.
“Joe Wheeler” has arrived at the home of Krunch, though we never see him nor hear his voice. Krunch opens the door and is quite angry over being kept waiting for two hours. Krunch gives Jake Booth credit for coming a long way in two years. He hears that Jake wants to challenge him for his streetfighting championship, but Jake doesn’t understand that that’s what Krunch lives for.
Krunch is about to finish when somebody in the background, possibly his kid or his old lady, starts making a ruckus. Krunch interupts his interview, heads back into his house, and beats the shit out of somebody with a leather strap.
…man, it don’t get more redneck than this…
Anyway, Jake should eat his Thanksgiving Dinner on Thanksgiving Eve, because he may not be able to eat the night after his whooping. I’d take him seriously…guy beats his own family like that, imagine what he’d do to somebody that he’s not related to.
Next week they reveal the entire Thanksgiving Extravaganza card, then try to figure out how to pad another 25 minutes of the show. Googly-eyed Robert Gibson tells us that that was our wrestling, and we’re out!
Tune in next week, or Krunch will beat the shit out of your baby sister!
TNA is pathetic. This is a real trainwreck!
To be honest, I was actually going to just skip this week’s show, but (for reasons that will become apparent later on) I believe that Beau James himself is actually reading these things, so I feel honorbound to soldier on and offer him some much needed advice.
Speaking of Mr. James, he has deemed this week’s show important enough to throw Dakota Booth off to the side and host it himself, rocking an 0.7 on the Fillmore Slim Pimp Scale. Beau cites Murphy’s Law for the computer problems that have kept the show in re-runs for the past two weeks, and the camera issues that I assume will prevent us from seeing any footage from the TV tapings two weeks back. But the show must go on, and that means pimping the Thanksgiving Extravaganza at the Kingsport Civic Auditorium on November 26th. Beau says that, after beating Frank Parker at the Fall Spectacular (a match where Beau vowed to put Parker out of wrestling for good), he challenged Scott Sterling for his new TV title. Let’s go to footage of Sterling winning the title from Jake Booth:
Or, let’s not and say we did.
After the footage, we get Scott Sterling in a suit, complete with a tie that’s damned near down to his knees. He says that wrestlers accept injury as part of the job…but what Beau James did to injure Frank Parker was criminal, and he should be put in jail. Yet Beau James has the…what’s that word for audacity that’s simpler and doesn’t convey nearly the same nuance…of yeah, the guts! Beau James has the guts to challenge him for his belt…that just happens to be shaped like a trophy. See that folks, that’s why Vince McMahon insists on calling them championships! Unless Scott has gone and got himself an actual belt now…it’s not like SSW ever tells us when things like that happen. Anyway, Beau James doesn’t deserve a title shot, but he’s giving him one anyway. And not only is he going to retain the TV title, but Frank Parker is going to regain the SSW Heavyweight Title, so…
Wait, what? The guy that Beau James vowed to put out of wrestling, the guy that lost that match with a broken arm in two spots…gets an SSW Heavyweight Title shot on the very next show?
Alright, I’ve calmed down a bit. I accept injury in wrestling, and I accept.stupidity in SSW.
Beau is back, with the first clue that he actually reads these things. Beau says he has to correct himself from a few weeks back, when he said “nobody cares about the television title”, because the TV title actually means a whole lot. I did rip on him for saying that, so good to see him try to repair the damage, albeit as effectively as taping a screen over a hole in a leaking boat. The TV title is in fact a stepping stone to the heavyweight title. The only other way you can get a shot at that title is by losing an important match.
Beau does in fact confirm that D’Andre Jackson will defend his newly won SSW Heavyweight Championship against Frank Parker, though his only justification for it is that his hated rival Parker was apparently the greatest SSW champion of all time. So he’s SSW’s John Cena, if Cena were a fat, marblemouthed heel.
When we return from commercial break: words from the new heavyweight champion, a special challenge from Jake Booth, and news on the neverending Misty James/Rebecca Lynn feud.
Jake Booth stands in front of the door to Beau’s bedroom, looking like he just got out of bed himself. Jake started wrestling nearly two years ago…and, believe it or not, he’s actually better than he was back then. Back then, Equalizer Krunch was kicking his ass all over the place from one town to the next. But he’s a new man now, and he wants to challenge Krunch for his Streetfighting Championship (Hey, so that is actually a thing! And we find out about it in the middle of a shitty Jake Booth promo) at the Thanksgiving Extravaganza. Joe Wheeler is apparently in transit to Krunch’s house this week to see if he will accept Jake’s challenge. Perhaps Joe should contact Michael Cole for tips on how to survive the experience.
Beau James pimps the imminent arrival of The Washington Bullets tag team. Google them if you want to learn more about a random mediocre indy team. At least there will be somebody around for the SSW tag team champions to face…assuming those titles still exist.
Cut to Joe Wheeler in the locker room with the NEW SSW Heavyweight Champion D’Andre Jackson. Kyle Kool wants a rematch, Eric Darkstorm is as real as the Great Pumpkin and he wants another shot, and Wolfie D is a big wildcard. But D’Andre Jackson will take on all of those guys, and not even mention the guy that’s actually getting the next title shot. He may be the champion, but he is not the prey; he is still the hunter! And if you didn’t know…now you know!
Next the NEW SSW Ladies Champion Misty James is interviewed. She is so happy to have regained her title, and is in the process of thanking her fans when she gets clubbered in the back by Rebecca Lynn. She gets about four or five shots in before D’Andre Jackson comes back to make the save, leaving Misty James in a state of orgasmic moaning.
Back in the studio, Beau James announces for the Thanksgiving Extravaganza: Misty James vs Rebecca Lynn for the title in the first (to his knowledge) Ladies Texas Death Match. I believe that Ann Regan and Ella Waldek had one back in the sixties, but what do I know.
When we come back, we
scrape the bottom of the barrel of the Fall Spectacular footage feature two legends in action!
Beau James is back, running through his catchphrase for a second time and imploring viewers to bring toys for the needy children during the Thansgiving Extravaganza.
Now Beau James wants to make another correction on something that I ripped on in my last report: on the Fall Spectacular show, during the heavyweight and ladies title matches, Joe Wheeler called a referee by the name of “Kevin James”. This was incorrect, and the referee has no association with the James family. Then he called him “Kevin Edwards”, which was also incorrect. The referee was actually someone by the name of Patrick Perdue. That certainly was an understandable mistake.
Anyway, Beau wants to give that referee proper credit, and also to referee Jeremy Westwood for his work in the following match joined in progress.
Legends Match: Wolfie D (with Dirty White Boy) vs Dr. Tom Pritchard
Unlike just about every other SSW match, this is a match between two actual wrestlers. Pritchard appears to be the heel here, although the gargantuan balding lump that was alledgedly known once as the Dirty White Boy is in Wolfie D’s corner.
It’s not a particular exciting match…everything done is technically sound but horribly overexaggerated. Maybe a 0.6 on the Shawn Michaels Spite Selling scale. There’s a couple of cuts in this match, making me wonder just how long this borefest actually went on.
In the middle of the restholds, Joe Wheeler mentions that this match is for the “Southern Title” As far as I can tell, the Southern title is a mythical title with a belt that Pritchard created for himself. Last year Pritchard lost the title to Southern States Wrestling champion Eric Darkstorm, and Darkstorm carried around both titles for awhile until he disappeared from the organization. Then I guess, like the Sword of Gryffandor, the title magically reappeared in the arms of its master.
I can’t think of anything funny to say about this meaningless display of technical adequacy, so let’s jump to the finish. Tom Pritchard digs a chain out of his sweatpants, but Wolfie D grabs his hubcap. Pritchard swings with the chain, but hits the hubcap Wolfie used as a shield and hurts his hand. While the referee wrestles the hubcap out of Wolfie’s hands, Dirty White Boy is wrestling the chain out of Pritchard’s hands. And while Pritchard tries to get at DWB, Wolfie sneaks up from behind with a schoolgirl cradle to get the three count and the fictional fictional title.
Winner in about nine minutes of time shown out of total time ∞ via Diva Cradle of Death, and NEW Southern Champion, Wolfie D! 1/2*
Beau James is back to wrap things up. Tickets for the Thanksgiving Extravaganza go on sale on Tuesday. Buy your front row tickets now! And by “now” he means “Tuesday”!
Next week Dakota Booth returns with a big show that has nothing advertised for it! Jesus saves!
Beau James, if you are reading this, I don’t intend to review another clip show with no new matches next week, but I’ll reconsider if you’ll drop us a comment down below in the Disqus section, and especially if you explain why the hell you keep on doing this. What’s in it for you to keep putting out an ever deteriorating product in front of ever deteriorating crowds?
Unless you can help me understand things a little better, my advice for SSW is that of the sage philosopher Brock Lesnar: DIE!!!
Two huge title matches that could change the face of Southern States Wrestling forever!
Welcome everyone to the biggest show in the history of the Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour!
Dakota Booth stands in front of the Leaning Sign of Kingsport to introduce the two big title matches tonight. Misty James will get her final shot at Rebecca Lynn and her SSW Ladies Championship, in which the title can change hands on a countout or disqualification. And D’Andre Jackson must make good on his rematch with Kyle Kool for the SSW Heavyweight Championship, or else he will be forced to leave SSW!
But before any of that…Southern States Wrestling’s next TV taping will take place at the Gray Community Center on October 18th! Unless it doesn’t. $7 and $3 tickets. That’s up from free…the economy is back, baby!
And now, Misty’s last chance to retain her Southern States Title!
(Retain!? Goddamnit Dakota…)
SSW Ladies Championship: Rebecca Lynn(c) vs Misty James
Did Tommy Young have any kids? Because just 10 seconds into the match, when Misty goes for a pin, this new referee does a Superman dive over the two of them and makes a backhanded count of 2. He’s such an awesome referee that Joe Wheeler calls him by the singular name “Kevin”. With the Jeff Hardy of daredevil referees working this match, is it possible to reach the dream of a DUD women’s match in SSW?
That pinfall was proceeded by and followed by an armbar that I’ll ignore. I don’t call armbars.
While standing on Rebecca Lynn’s hand, Misty has her shoulders down on the mat for a good five seconds, but the charasmatic enigma referee is lost in his own world.
Misty throws Rebecca into the ropes, who waddles back into a flying clothesline for another two count. I’ve seen many women wrestlers fatter than Rebecca Lynn, but none dumpier. Her center of gravity is somewhere around her ankles.
A choke in the corner by Misty is followed by her Vintage Shitty Biel. It wasn’t shitty enough though, so she repeats the spot to do it shittier. The referee alternates between backhand and forehand on his two count, because the SSW Wellness Policy doesn’t cover officials.
“The blink of an eye. The beat of a heart. It only takes a second or two for things to change dramatically.” Seems Joe Wheeler is imbibing in the good stuff as well.
Misty goes off the ropes for a move, but is instead met by a stiff back elbow from the champion, who begins an extended run of SSW Main Event Offense. Big Avalance splash into the corner sets up a 2.7 count on Misty, as these three are actually feeling it enough to pull off nearfalls that are unheard of in Southern States Wrestling.
Rebecca’s manager, one of the members of the Old School Mafia, and someone I’ve never heard of until just this moment, starts barking orders at his charge, then starts choking Misty on the ropes while Rebecca occupies Willow the Whisp, exceeding all of the man-on-woman violence on women in WWE over the last five years combined.
In a spot you have to see to comprehend, Misty almost takes a bump over the top rope to the foor via a kick to the gut. They trade some SSW Main Event Offense that ends with Misty on top for another two count.
We jump ahead in the match, with a graphic imploring us to purchase the DVD from kingofkingsport.com to see the full match. If they don’t care to show the whole match, I don’t care to review it all, so let’s jump to the chase:
Rebecca ducks a Misty James flying chop, knocking the referee loopy. I mean on his back, he was already loopy. We finally learn that the referee is named Kevin James. I’m sure that last name is just a coincidence.
The manager comes in and puts Misty in a full nelson while Rebecca Lynn lays in the chops…and Dakota Booth says that all I can stands, cuz I can’t stands no more!
Two girls scream like R2D2 as Dakota rushes to the ring for the save, sending the manager flying out of the ring with the Greg Gagne Dropkick of Semi-Competence. Misty James goes up to the second mother-fucking rope and dives off with a crossbody block, and Kevin James conveniently wakes up at this point to make the three count. Misty regains her title! The crowd goes wild! Joe Wheeler goes wild! Zanatude goes mild!
Winner at 8:00 aired via Holy Shit I’m Way Up In The Air, and *NEW* Southern States Ladies Champion, Misty James. *
Yes, that’s a positive star, not a negative one. Lots of motion from everyone in and around the ring, and even the ladies tried hard. I guess 200th time is the charm.
Interview with Dakota Booth after the match. Rebecca Lynn put up a helluva fight, but because of the support of her fans she has finally regained her title.
Probably the biggest moment in Southern States Wrestling this year. I’m a little verklempt here…talk amongst yourselves for awhile.
A Bobby Fulton promo for SSW. He looks like he could still go.
Dakota back (strangely, the background sign is now level once more) to tell us about the Thanksgiving Spectacular, as the graphic says Thanksgiving Extravaganza. Bell time is 7:05pm, as Ted Turner’s influence on wrestling lives on. Matches will be announced at the Gray Community Center TV tapings on October 18th.
Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship vs D’Andre Jackson’s SSW Career Match: Kyle Kool(c) vs D’Andre Jackson
We join this match in progress, relieving me of my desire to get too in-depth describing it. Huge spear by D’Andre early on, but all of the sudden Kevin James can’t get in position, and it takes him three seconds to make a one count. Easier to half-ass it when nobody wrestling is named James, I guess. Although now Joe Wheeler is calling him Kevin Edwards? Shit, it looks like the suck of Dakota Booth is contagious.
Anyway, the ref seems to be playing off of a hip injury incurred during the women’s title match, struggling to get down for another Jackson one count. It’s like he’s reliving the entire career of Tommy Young in one night.
Kyle Kool is lookly significantly pudgier than his previous match…kinda like Shawn Michaels during his Fat Elvis stage.in 1993. He can still pull off a vertical suplex, which gets two. Dakota gives us a history lesson, saying that D’Andre Jackson has defeated Kyle Kool twice before, but never with a title on the line.
Kool hits a bodyslam, then follows up with a rolling senton and a back senton on rapid succession for another two count. He follows with some good old fashioned heeling, drapping his shin over D’Andre’s throat while agreeing with the ref. Even Fat Kyle Kool is still the best thing going in SSW today…though the referee does tower over him.
Showing how progressive SSW has become, the white Kyle Kool puts the black D’Andre Jackson down with a headbutt. Meanwhile, Bobo Brown is waddling around in the background for reasons unknown. Belly to back suplex puts Jackson back down for a stupid-ass backhand two count. Kyle Kool slaps on a chinlock as we go to break.
TV Champion Scott Sterling appears next week!
We’ve jumped ahead in this match as we are once again implored to purchase the DVD. As D’Andre Jackson lays in some shots in the corner, Kyle Kool deliberately kicks the referee’s leg right out of his leg. While the referee remains down, Jackson runs out of the ring to meet the approaching Death Riders head on.
Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, Chic White is free at last!!!
D’Andre Jackson successfully pounds on both Death Riders, but is met by a knee from Kyle Kool as he tries to reenter the ring, and this time the Death Riders are ready, and Equalizer Krunch lays out D’Andre Jackson with brass knuckles.
As the referee regains consciousness from the kick to the leg that knocked him out, Kyle Kool plays dead in the ring. Choosing not to disqualify Kool for kicking him, Kevin Whatshisname instead starts to count Jackson out of the ring. Jackson struggles towards the ring…but is unable to make it back into the ring before the ten count! What a way to get kicked out of SSW!
Winner and still champion via countout, Kyle Kool!
BUT WAIT! One of the SSW suits gets on the mic and says that, while Kyle Kool cannot lose his championship by disqualification or countout, D’Andre Jackson also cannot be forced to leave SSW via a disqualification or countout. Thus, the referee orders that the match be restarted.
A frustrated Kyle Kool heads up to the second rop for a diving headbutt, but hits nothing but mat. Both men perform the “YEAH! BOO!” slugfest, minus the YEAHs and BOOs. The genius Dakota Booth realizes that the match is now essentially a no-DQ match, and wonders if the wrestlers will take advantage of that fact. That doesn’t appearance to be the case, as D’Andre gets the better of the exchange, and follows up with a second rope clothesline.
D’Andre Jackson then hits a jumping elbow and gets the pin. Yep, that was the finish. It was so exciting that Misty James had her back to the ring for it, as D’Andre gets about one tenth of the reaction that Misty got earlier.
Winner at 9:00 aired via Zeroth Rope Elbow Drop, and *NEW* SSW Heavyweight Champion, D’Andre Jackson. 1/2*
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the women’s match would get a higher rating, but the confusing booking, lame finish, and half-assed effort means that this match never got out of first gear. LT Falk would have never phoned it in like that.
Next week: Interview with the new SSW Champion, footage of a post-show altercation between Misty James, and the TV champion will appear.
Bringing his C-game like Kyle Kool, this is Zanatude signing off.
Like a bad case of The Clap, it’s BACK, BABY!
First, some catch up for the little Zanatudes playing along at home. After the aborted August TV tapings at the Gray Community Center, the Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour has been limping along showing mostly old matches and James family tribute videos, the same ones over and over. I didn’t feel compelled to report on those shows…I’ll write about crap for you guys, but not regurgitated crap. That’s just too kinky for the likes of me.
But the big SSW Fall Spectacular happened on September 27th, and this week we’re actually getting footage from that show. And Joe Wheeler is back to call the action! If Good Ole J.W. is getting back to work, then so shall I.
In between the regurgitated crap, there were a few nuggets of activity on the last month and a half of television:
- SSW Ladies Champion Rebecca Lynn and Misty James fought in various promotions in the area, with Rebecca retaining her title through every cheap trick in the book, from powder to the eyes to deliberate countouts. At the Fall Spectacular, Misty will have one final opportunity. In this match, the title can change hands on a disqualification or countout…but, if Misty doesn’t win, she will never have another shot at the title as long as Rebecca Lynn remains the champion!
- Scott Sterling sent in several interviews regarding his TV title match with Jake Booth, all ending with his vow to put the television title trophy around his waist.
- Jake Booth spoke. The less said the better.
- As a result of the controversy over their match at the Gray Block Party, SSW champion Kyle Kool has agreed to give D’Andre Jackson one more shot at the title…on the condition that Jackson must leave SSW if he loses.
- Beau James has challenged Frank Parker to a Tennessee Chain Match. Because no referee could handle the figurative and literal stink of this match, some guy that apparently has a history with both guys named Brian Logan will be the official.
So the first wrestling card at the Kingsport Civic Auditorium in many years would shape up as follows:
Tennessee Chain Match: Beau James vs Frank Parker (special referee Brian Logan)
SSW Title Match: Kyle Kool(c) vs D’Andre Jackson, Jackson must leave SSW if he loses
SSW TV Title Match: Jake Booth(c) vs Scott Sterling
SSW Ladies Title Match: Rebecca Lynn(c) vs Misty James, Misty’s Last Chance
Battle Royale to crown the first SSW Streetfighting Champion
Eric Darkstorm vs Wolfie D vs Dr. Tom Pritchard vs Ricky Morton
The Iron Cross vs Shawn Cruz
Dirty White Boy inducted into East Tennessee Wrestling Hall of Fame
Now you’re down with a discount. On with the show!
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
October 4th, 2014
Jim Cornette kicks off yet another new intro to the show, the fourth or fifth in the past two months. Beau James has obviously been very bored in his home with nothing else to do.
This show is now sponsored by something called Tim Young’s Unnamed Marketing Firm. I can’t tell if he’s serious of deliberately trying to be “so bad it’s good”, but he’s failing miserably regardless.
Speaking of failing miserably, Dakota Booth on Xanax is out to open up the show and introduce a highlights montage from the Fall Spectacular.
This feels like what the NWA would do the week after Starrcade to rub it to the folks that couldn’t watch it live. Incredibly, it still works in this day and age, because there are zero spoilers of this show out there to be found. The only people that know what happened are the 60 or 70 or so in attendance, and they apparently are taking their secrets to the grave.
BUT…the DVD can be yours for only $12 from kingofkingsport.com!
Or just watch the television show over the next couple weeks. Whatevs.
Or just stick with the montage. A montage makes everything better.
Dakota tells us to stick around for the first title match of the evening, Jake Booth defending the television title against Scott Sterling (even though they just spoiled the result in the montage)
Next Week On TV: Misty’s Last Shot At The Title!
The usual commercials, church bulletins, and future SSW show shillings follow.
Dakota is back with some flashy graphics that finally explain just which states are Southern States. Spitting virtual marbles out his mouth all the while, Dakota gives the background on the Jake Booth vs Scott Sterling feud as only he can, before introducing the footage from last week.
SSW TV Championship: Jake Booth(c) vs “The Fat Quebecker” Scott Sterling
Jake Booth is also one half of the tag team champions with Ray Idol, who was probably passed out in a ditch somewhere at the time of this show.
Joe Wheeler is back to keep Dakota Booth in line on commentary. Since Wheeler has already escaped from the James family henhouse, they must have developed more subtle means of keeping his talented ass locked into Southern States Wrestling. Maybe they have proof that he ate his son?
Oh yes, the match. I’m supposed to be talking about the match. Well, it’s happening. Sterling starts off with a headlock, Booth shoots him into the ropes, but Sterling connects with a shoulder block. Sterling bounces off the ropes on one side, leaps over Booth, bounces off the ropes on the other side, and helpfully walks into Jake Booth so he can deliver a hip toss.
That all sounds decent enough, except that Sterling was literally (literally, I tell ya!) walking through all of that. I changed from my laptop to the desktop just to make sure that the fault wasn’t in my computer…but nope, they really are moving that slow.
Jake Booth follows up with an armbar. I don’t discuss armbars. Sterling does his best to make it entertaining, but it’s still a minute plus who-knows-how-much-Beau-James-mercifully-cut-out-for-us goddamnned armbar.
Finally Sterling slings Jake into the corner and follows up with a charge…that misses, allowing Booth to cinch on his armbar again. God, how I’d love to tie Dock Muraco to a chair and force him to watch the full, uncut footage from this match.
THIS IS HOW WE DO THINGS IN AMERICA, SON!
Dakota tries to liken this armbar to building a wall, brick by brick. I guess we don’t have to worry about any Mongolians getting into the country while Jake Booth is on the case!
At last, even Scott Sterling gets bored of this and breaks out with a stiff right hand to the nose. Time to move on to SSW Main Event Style!
Punch. Punch. Kick. Forearm smash. Hairpull. Hiptoss. Kick. Stomp. Choke. Knee. Taunt Jake’s Grandfather. Turnbuckle smash. Punch. Forearm smash. Choke.
Aw, yeah. I missed that.
Now Sterling starts getting fancy, with a textbook vertical suplex, throwing all caution to the wind in an effort to get this match into positive stars. Sterling goes for the coup de grace with a back bodydrop, but Booth instead kicks him in the mush. The redhead is on fire! Kind of looks like a burning bush too, which the church benefactors will be pleased with.
Clothesline by Jake, wherein Sterling was already falling long before Booth touched him. Jake lines up for a football tackle, but can’t do it for some reason, so hits him with a superkick to the gut instead. Sterling no-sells this and goes back on offense with a chop to the throat.
Scott Sterling puts on a chinlock, but as I debate whether or not to add chinlocks to my moratorium, Jake elbows his way out. Vintage Wheeler proudly announces that Jake is “trying to create separation”, but Sterling beats him back down.
After some more banal offense, Jake regains control with three consecutive clotheslines, each more pathetic than the one before it. And then…SPEAR! Forget the football tackle, he’s going with an actual football tackle, sayeth master wordsmith Dakota.
But Jake Booth is too exhausted to make the cover, allowing Sterling to roll out of the ring. Jake runs out to give chase (in the Kingsport Civic Auditorium, they actually have room outside of the ring to move around) Sterling goes back in on the opposite of the ring, waits for Jake to enter…and hits him with a swinging neckbreaker out of nowhere for the clean pin. Huh? Joe Wheeler seemed shocked by the finish, even though he said “this could do it” before Sterling went for the pin.
Winner in about 11 minutes (roughly eight shown) and NEW SSW Television Champion, Scott Sterling. -¼*
They tried, but I just can’t give that match a DUD in good conscience.
Cut to an interview with the New TV Champion. It appears that Sterling has finally realized that he cannot put a trophy around his waist. There is so much reverb on the mic that I cannot make out what Sterling was saying, but he seems happy, so good on him.
Jake Booth’s meteoric rise and fall resembles that of The Renegade in WCW. I hope Mr. Booth continues to emulate Rick Wilson all the way to the end.
Back to the booth with Dakota Booth, who largely blows off his brother’s loss. Coming up next, highlights from the Beau James vs Frank Parker Tennessee Chain match, and the next challenger for the Television Title.
Next Week: Title vs Loser Leaves SSW!
Hardcore Jesus is back! If they showed this commercial all over America in prime time, then maybe we could stop the flow of Americans leaving the country to join ISIS.
Joe Wheeler out to interview the SSW Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool to get his thoughts ahead of his title match with D’Andre Jackson next week. Kool is going back to being knee deep in the candy and kitty. Not sure what that means, but I like the sound of it!
Some highlights are shown of the Tennessee Chain match. They can’t show the whole match on television because it’s too brutal. I love shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments. There’s no cowbell on this chain as Beau previously promised. How can they have this match without all the cowbell they could get? Dakota also claims that this is chain is “easily 40 pounds”, which can only be close to true if he’s talking about the British currency.
The footage ends with a staredown between Beau James and Brian Logan…which will probably be forgotten and never mentioned again. #BecauseSSW.
Post match, Joe Wheeler gets an interview with the bloody but victorious Beau James. He broke Frank Parker’s arm in two places, and he’s happy about it! He did in the same building that Elvis Presley and Chubby Checker performed in! But he still has business with Scott Sterling. He doesn’t care about the TV title (well, who does?), but he wants to take it from him just to hurt him. And that ain’t all the hurt that he’ll be getting!
We close with Tim Young and John 3:16.
Next week, Rebecca Lynn vs Misty James for the SSW Ladies title, and Kyle Kool vs D’Andre Jackson for the SSW Heavyweight Title. Why pay $9.99 for the WWE Network, when you can get sick of professional wrestling for absolutely free with Southern States Wrestling!
From the organization that’s gaining television contracts, not losing them!
After the Jerry Lawler intro we get yet another tweak on the opening montage, with some fairly recent action mixed in including Ricky Morton in tag action and the Triple Jump Elbow of Doom. Putting on their best face for the execs at Heritage TV!
Week 2 of freedom for Joe Wheeler, so Beau James is here to run his mouth off at 170 miles an hour in front of SSW Sign That’s Too Big For This Shot Event Center.
Beau harkens back to the SSW Mission Statement that I referenced on my debut write-up: Bastardize The Past, Lie About The Present, and Rape The Future. Or something like that. To that end, Beau is happy to announce that this week’s show is the first to air in Northern Virginia on Heritage TV. Oh wait, that’s NORTON, Virginia. Well, close enough. He also gives a shout out to the remainder of his television empire, as well as the unlikely viewer in New Zealand watching the show on YouTube.
Sorry, Crikey. Maybe if you pound the refresh key a few times you’ll get the shout out next time.
But back to business. Last week, DeAndre Jackson was robbed of the Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship by an inept referee, likely on the receiving end of another bad check by the reigning champion Kyle Kool. How much money on the plastic surgery, brother!?
Beau uses this as a platform to spend the next five minutes reviewing the Jackson/Kool feud that has ranged on for month. Go ahead and check it out for yourself. I don’t do re-rants.
Bottom line, Equalizer Krunch wants revenge for his bad check, DeAndre Jackson is getting a rematch just as soon as they can find a bingo hall that a ring can fit inside, and Ray Idol is gunning for that SSW title as well. How much longer can Kyle Kool hold on?
But speaking of champions, there’s a NEW champion in Southern States Wrestling, and Beau’s gonna tell us about it soon. Plus, Misty James gets a shot at regaining the SSW Ladies Title against current champion Rebecca Lynn. For realz this time!
Same commercials as last week. I’ve half a mind to ask Beau how much he wants for 30 seconds of air time, and create a Blog of Doom commercial for his show.
There were only three minutes of commercials being shown, so let’s have Beau spend another minute talking about them.
Rebecca Lynn is the ladies champion, but she won that title by nefarious means. Let’s see them yet again, and then let’s go to highlights of the rematch at the Gray Block Party!
Yep. She cheated. Sucks to be you, Misty.
Southern States Wrestling Ladies Championship: Rebecca Lynn (c) vs Misty James
Beau tells us that the match is being joined in progress. Apparently Misty James hit a shitty armdrag before this footage began, so she hits another shitty armdrag so that guy in New Zealand can appreciate it as well. Misty James is all about fan service!
Misty grabs the hair and slams Rebecca Lynn into the turnbuckle before throwing her into the middle of the ring with a shitty hiptoss. Sorry, but I just can’t find an appropriate synonym for “shitty” that adequately describes Misty’s offense.
After a quick two count Misty hits a shi…er, a a lazy-ass vertical suplex that requires Rebecca Lynn to do all of the work for another 2.0001 count. Grrrr….
Will the nerd in the overalls please sit down!??
Rebecca takes over with about 30 seconds of SSW Ladies Offense before Misty reverses. I will say that Misty gives a much better chop than Rebecca…but she throws away any good will by hitting a….a…damn it, it was a SHITTY biel! There is no other word of any kind to accurately convey the nuances of a Misty James throw!
Rebecca James takes over somehow; there’s no psychology, it was just time for her to do so. Cinching in on the Two Minute Mark Resthold, I imagine Rebecca and Misty are racking their brains trying to come up with a screwjob finish that they haven’t done before.
Misty takes over and hits the worst Macho Man clothesline I have ever seen, but it was still strong enough to keep Rebecca down for a whopping 2.2 count.
They do an entertaining strong style punch off that begs for a dueling BOO!/YEAH! chant that never happens, but that’s too good for television, so let’s skip ahead to a rest hold.
Actually, Beau, let us just skip ahead to the finish. Rebecca throws Misty into the ropes and attempts a clothesline, but they’re both so loopy that they just clang heads and collapse instead. That’s good enough to keep both competitors down for a ten count, presenting us with yet another novel screw job to keep this eternal feud continuing.
Double countout in unknown time due to An Insult To Our Collective Intelligence. Rebecca Lynn retains her title.
Wasn’t enough of the match shown to rate, but I’m sure it was something between -* and -***. It might be raised another half star if I’m allowed to count the spirited post-match brawl though. If they’d forget trying to do wrestling holds that they both suck at and just go balls-to-the-walls fighting like that for two or three minutes, you’d hear no complaints from me.
Back to Beau, who tells us about another recent show where Rebecca successfully defended her title against Misty, and also namedrops Miss Rachel and her sidekick Whasshername. Didn’t expect to hear Miss Rachael’s name on television again…maybe he’s trying to patch things up with LT Falk? Beau had better hurry up before he’s locked in to NXT.
Next week, we go around the country with Misty James, seeing the sights, facing the top competitors, and killing time that was supposed to be filled by the TV tapings last week!
Oh, there’s a new TV champion, and his name is Jake Booth! Of course, you can’t see the television title change hands on television, so you’ll just have to check out the fancam footage of that epic two star match.
After the commercials, we get:
Southern States Wrestling Tennessee Champion, Southern States Wrestling TV Champion, and 1/2 of the Southern States Wrestling Tag Team Champions Jake Booth vs Equalizer Krunch
No, they’re not shoving this red-headed stepchild down your throats, why do you ask?
I’m not sure why this match was happening on the same show where the six-man tag was supposed to take place, but it’s a sad state of affairs when your talent pool is so depleted that you’re forced to use Jake Fucking Booth twice to fill out a show.
I guess Krunch is a tweener now, or he just goes where the money is? It might be an interesting role if it weren’t being filled by a sexagenarian.
As you can tell, I’m doing everything that I possibly can to get out of talking about the match. You really want to know about it? Well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so here’s my quota filled:
The end comes when Jake Booth applies an Australia Sleeper hold taught to him by Bill Dundee, because Bill Dundee is fucking broke, and Joe Briggs and Scott Sterling run in for the DQ.
Winner in who knows how long via Fuck You Fans, Jake Booth. -******************
There is absolutely no mention of Frank Parker, leading me to believe that he has jumped ship to the greener pastures of TNA.
Beau James and that badass Dakota Booth run off the bad guys with chairs. Good for them.
Beau James and his septuple XL turquoise blue pancho are back to wrap up the show, talking about how Scott Sterling is so embarrassed at having been defeated in singles competition not once, not twice, but three times by Jake Booth. Then why the hell would anyone want to see them fight again? And that’s gotta be a lie anyway, because any sane man would kill himself if he got the point in life where he had to lose to Jake Booth even twice.
Next week: a closer look at the SIX MAN WAR! Also, Equalizer Krunch in singles competition, as Chic White is apparently still in jail.
Oh, and Jesus Saves! Everything but this horrible, horrible show.
I will be out for a few weeks on a well-deserved summer holiday. Scott Keith will be filling in during my absence, assuming he’s man enough to do so.
The big Beaubowski was about five days late in getting this show online. But it was well worth the wait, because the show is footage from the GRAY BLOCK PARTY SHOW!
After the Jerry Lawler intro, we open to footage of the crowd filing in. This show is a huge coup for Southern States wrestling, as there are well over a hundred
paying fans on hand to watch history in the making. We also get several shots of The James Family posing with fans and smiling in the ring.
SSW: We’re so good, we don’t even give a shit about spoilers!
And then, because they’ve only got less than 30 minutes of air time to work with, they kill 30 seconds showing some fireworks.
Iron Cross vs Bobo Brazi…er, Bobo Brown
Congratulations to Joe Wheeler, who somehow broke out of his locked henhouse and is now experiencing the kind of sweet, sweet freedom that makes The Shawshank Redemption look like a sad ending in comparison. In his place, we get Beau James on the mic, assuring us that we will not have a single microsecond of dead air in the matches on this show.
We join this match in progress, and Beau informs us that Bobo Brown (he eventually gets the name right) now has a manager by the name of Damian Archane, who apparently has a long history with Southern States Wrestling, but I’ve never heard of him. Iron Cross is a masked wrestler, and a former SSW Champion who apparently has a long history with Southern States Wrestling, but I’ve never heard of him.
Archane earns his money right off the bat by handing something to Brown, who uses whatever it was to rake the eyes of Iron Cross while Archane distracts the ref. Iron Cross apparently dominated the first eight to ten minutes of this match, and I am thankful to Beau for not wasting eight to ten minutes of my life with that footage.
Bobo takes over with SSW Black Man Main Event Offense (like regular SSW Main Event offense, but with some head butts and dancing thrown in) as we get the first of many shills for the ill-fated Friday night TV taping. Elbow off the ropes and a fist drop get barely a one count for Bobo.
Beau says that Bobo doesn’t have the best won/loss record, but he gives 110% every time, shamelessly stealing the gimmick of the late, great LT Falk. Iron Cross gets reversed into the turnbuckle, but gets a boot on the charging Brown that makes him loopy, yet after doing a full 360 he still hits a charging Iron Cross with a clothesline.
Bobo goes for a Black Fatass Elbow of Shame, but Iron Cross moves away. The success rate of a diving move onto a prone opponent is about 6% in SSW. Beau tells us that the fans hate Bobo and his manager for the awful things that they were saying about Gray, Tennessee before the match (like someone from Detroit has anything to be proud of?), but there is zero difference in crowd reaction regardless of who’s on offense.
Cross starts laying in shots in the corner, and I pray for the ghost of Gorilla Monsoon to come out and tell these men to Go Home! The manager climbs onto the apron, and the cameraman cannot contain all of the action that is going on…not that he’s particularly trying to…until Iron Cross finally goes over to punch him down.
Cross tries to whip Bobo into the ropes, but Bobo reverses, then misses a clothesline on Iron Cross, who rebounds off the far ropes and forces Bobo to perform fellatio, causing him to pass out with Iron Cross on top of him, leading to the academic three count.
Winner in 4:00 aired with the Lou Thesz Is Rolling In His Grave Press, The Iron Cross. -*
Admittedly, the sex-starved two hundred strong fans in attendance did pop for the finish. Dicks in the face for everyone!
Advertisement for the Gray Community Center TV taping on July 25th. Hope none of you planned your weekend around that.
Misty James in Action Next!!!
Answer to last week’s trivia question: Jillian Hall is the only woman to have ever held both the SSW Ladies Title and the WWE Divas title.
Wow, we get some paid advertising this week!
Is it more sad if Tim Jones is trying to be blatantly inept on purpose? I could go either way here, but the fact that he couldn’t even fit his company URL on a single line leads me to believe that he’s just trolling us.
Hattie’s Kitchen Table is back! But where is the Hardcore Jesus? I need me some bloody salvation!
We’re back, and Misty James has shaved her head bald, gotten breast reduction surgery, and somehow won the Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship. Oh wait…that’s Kyle Kool.
Beau James lied to us? That’s unpossible! Seriously, it’s not nice to troll Danimal Crossing like that.
Kyle Kool ups the Koolometer by coming out to Van Halen’s “Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love”, and ups it even more by demanding that the ladies stop staring at his magnificent body. Well, it’s either looking at his body or DeAndre Jackson’s, and nobody in his right mind is gonna choose that. DeAndre comes in looking like he’s wearing a clothespin on his nose, and the camera shots aren’t good enough to disprove that theory.
Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship: Kyle Kool (c) vs DeAndre Jackson
So they give us the match they’ve been building to for months on free TV, making this the biggest giveaway in wrestling since Hulk Hogan vs Goldberg.
Beau James tells us that the bell has rung, and then the bell rings. Please do a better job of synching up your cliches with the footage going forward.
DeAndre immediately takes Kyle Kool with a legsweep, threatens a Boston Crab, then decides to go down for a cover than doesn’t even get one. Alright then. Kyle Kool wisely bails out to the floor to reset things. It wasn’t an armbar, so props for that at least.
Kyle Kool eventually gets back onto the apron and gets slingshot back in the ring in a way that didn’t look contrived in the least.
Oh, by the way, Andrew, I was being sarcastic.
That somehow gets a two count. Alright then. Kyle Kool wisely bails out to the floor to reset things. It wasn’t an armbar, so props for that at least.
Remember, Southern States Wrestling returns to the Gray Community Center on July 25th, assuming an old ladies sewing club doesn’t decide to use the room instead.
While Kyle stalls, Beau tells us about how Kyle Kool hired The Death Riders to injure Bobo Brown, and how Equalizer Krunch is on the hunt for Kool after the payoff check bounced, foreshadowing an appearance by Krunch later on in this match.
Third time’s the charm for Kool, as he takes over with a headlock, then whips DeAndre into the ropes for a shoulder tackle. He comes off the ropes, but gets met by a DeAndre Jackson scissors kick that looks too stiff to not be a botch. Ouch! DeAndre picks him and hits Kool with a hiptoss so strong that Kool almost landed on his feet, then follows up with an excellent Fat Man Dropkick.
Kool again bails to the outside, but he’s not really paying attention to DeAndre, who attempts…a missile dive onto Kool!? But before he can let loose his inner Daniel Bryan, Kool catches the incoming Jackson with a forearms between the ropes. Beau claims that Kool had that move well scouted, but I seriously doubt that that fatass has ever dove through the ropes to the floor.
Beautiful vertical suplex by Kool, but it only gets a one count. Kool reverts to the SSW Main Event Offense, allowing Beau James time to extol the virtues of Kool and rehash the last several months of the Kyle Kool/DeAndre Jackson feud leading up to this point.
Kool eventually whips DeAndre into the opposite turnbuckle, slowly charges in…and connects with a splash? Is DeAndre already too winded to get out of the way? Kool pulls Jackson back out and delivers a short clothesline that’s only about a 0.1 on the LARIATOOO!~meter, and only gets a one count as a result.
Jackson comes back with a few “soupbones” (all black men call their punches “soupbones”, doncha know), then attempts a crossbody block that Kool simply sidesteps. Kool is doing a much better job of getting the fans to hate him than Bobo Brown did, as the fan reactions are off-the-chart compared to the usual show in front of a dozen or so “fans”.
Leg lariat onto the ropes by Kool gets a 2.01 count, as SSW wrestlers are not trained to take dramatic near falls regardless of how slow, plodding, and methodical this referee’s count is.
Kool whips DeAndre hard into the opposite turnbuckle, impressing Beau James, who’s probably grooming Kool as a champ worthy of handing Beau James his 84th title reign. 2.11 count for Kool, as DeAndre is perhaps showing a little self-restraint.
DeAndre reverses a Kyle Kool whip into a Sunset Flip, but Kool is close enough to the ropes to grab them and break up the count. This Kool clothesline gets an 0.5, but DeAndre rolls a shoulder up at two, as we break for commercials.
An advertisement for singer Chris Brannen, who looks like a fatter version of Paul Heyman (Yes, a fatter version. I know that’s hard to comprehend, so you’ll just have to check it out for yourself.)
Southern States Wrestling TV stars are coming to the Gray Community Center on July 25th! Unless the person running the Gray Community Center realizes what Southern States Wrestling is!
We’re back with Kyle Kool in control, as he rams DeAndre Jackson’s head into the turnbuckle. Wait, why did that hurt him? Hasn’t this show already established that black men have heads of steel? Whip into the far turnbuckles, but DeAndre steps up to the second turnbuckle, and flies back in a flying bodypress…that Kool once again steps out of the way of. The thinking man’s wrestler!
Beau gives Kool credit for being smarter than he looks, but cannot for the life of him understand why Kool does all of this showboating instead of trying to go for the victory. It’s admirable how Beau goes to great lengths to protect kayfabe, but I wish he’d sit his guys down and teach them the art of the near fall, as DeAndre again kicks out at 2.00001.
Kyle Kool continues to carry this match with a big belly to back suplex, but once again DeAndre fails to sell the pinfall attempt.
I just want one single damned 2.5 count DeAndre, is that too much to ask??
Kool goes back to working DeAndre over in the corner with a series of kicks, stomps, and chokes. Vintage SSW!
Kool again whips DeAndre into the ropes, who again climbs onto the second rope, and attempts a crossbody block that Kool ducks…but DeAndre fakes him out by staying on the ropes! Unaware, Kool gets up, turns around, and walks into a a crossbody that finally connects! But DeAndres fat has the consistency of rubber, so he bounces off of Kool, unable to make a cover.
Kool gets up first, but misses a clothesline on the charging Jackson, who comes off the ropes and nails the champion with a hard forearm. Weak clothesline by Jackson, and Kool is up quickly, but Jackson ducks Kool’s retaliation attempt and spins Kool around for an Atomic Drop, followed by a Bionic Elbow.
And then, in a move that puts The People’s Elbow and The Worm to shame, DeAndre nails Kyle Kool with a huge Triple Jump Elbow! DeAndre goes for the cover, and Kyle Kool at least tries to sell it, staying down for perhaps a 2.3 count.
The referee blocks the view of whatever DeAndre was doing to Kyle Kool in the corner, but follows up with a chop so hard that even a few of the Gray Yokels shout “WHOOO!” despite themselves. Kool fends Jackson off with an eyerake, then whips DeAndre into the opposite turnbuckle, then follows up with a running elbow…that misses! DeAndre Jackson picks him up on the rebound and hits Kool with his powerslam finisher, which this week is called The Thump, and which this week is actually more like a World Strongest Slam. 1…2…….3!
Immediately after the three count, Kyle Kool gets his foot on the ropes. The referee sees this and waives off his own three count. DeAndre is celebrating on the ropes in exhaustion, but the referee goes over to explain that he has not yet won the match. While this is happening, Kyle Kool crawls over, catches Jackson with a cradle, and puts his own feet on the ropes for leverage to get the three count and successfully retain his title.
Winner in about 10:00 aired via Cheat To Win, and STILL SSW Heavyweight Champion, Kyle Kool. **1/4
That rating may be higher than deserved from a pure technical standpoint, but I really enjoyed the chemistry that these two guys had, and Kyle Kool had his working boots on tonight The hot crowd puts this over the edge to becoming the best match that I have ever seen in SSW.
This Friday Night: DeAndre Jackson vs Kyle Kool rematch! Assuming that the Veterans Club are willing to move their Poker Night, but that shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Next week’s show will also be footage from the Gray Block Party, featuring Misty James trying to regain the Ladies title from Rebecca Lynn, and the match airing in the background right now, Jake Booth vs Equalizer Krunch. Wait, what? Wasn’t he supposed to be a part of the Six Man War on this show?
We end the show with footage of the Six Man War. Because SSW.
Beau James, Jake Booth, and Dakota Booth (w/Misty James), vs Joe Briggs, Scott Sterling, and Equalizer Krunch
Krunch is apparently replacing the advertised Frank Parker because…well, just because.
We see Dakota Booth actually throw a decent dropkick. Maybe he can become the next coming of Greg Gagne!?
The end comes when Beau James and Jake Booth hit Joe Briggs with a double shoulderblock, then both men hiptoss Dakota Booth on top of Briggs for the pin. All three men perform a strut to end the show.
Remember when I said that the airing of the finish of the Strike Force vs Hart Foundation match from The Main Event was the most underwhelming thing I had ever seen?
It didn’t hold on to the record for very long.
Last Saturday, July 12th, history was made at the Appalachian Fairgrounds Block Party, as the epic Six Man War between the James Family and The Cripplers went down. I’m sure you’re all dying to know what happened. Well, I’m not a guy that lets his fans down…
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
July 13th, 2014
First we dig out the old Dutch Mantel plug (aka WWE’s Zeb, as Beau helpfully points out), then we get a recycled rock music wrestling montage as our opening for this week, much of it very old and with very much more fans in the stands. And we get to see Arn Anderson!
This gets us through a whole minute before we’re welcomed once again by Joe Wheeler, who seems to have gotten breast enhancement treatment (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and Dakota Booth, who wastes no time flubbing the very first words out of his mouth despite having his ubiquitous cheat sheet in hand. Joe Briggs will take on newcomer Nate Diamond. And the new SSW Ladies Champion Misty James will take on Rebecca Lynn!
SSW Trivia: Which former WWE Divas Champion is also a former SSW Ladies Champion? Answer on the next review!
Joe Briggs makes his way to the ring with the most durable trophy in wrestling. I neglected to notice last week that Joe Briggs is now sporting a completely bald dome. While boring, it is still way better than what he was working with before, and makes Dakota Booth the undisputed SSW King of wretched haircuts.
Briggs has also been putting in extra time at Samson’s Gym (on the Cornor of 5th & Broad), and is shows. Take a look at this crisp Cenacanrana:
The jort-wearing master himself could only do it slightly better.
Once a month, Beau splurges on bussing in an indy guy that can halfway work a match to face the only guy on his roster that can halfway work a match. This month’s jobber de mois is Nate Diamond, who looks a little like a blond Zack Ryder. But can he half ass it in the ring as well as Zack? Let’s find out!
Southern States Wrestling Half-Assed Workrate Championship: Joe Briggs(c) vs Nate Diamond
The announcer sees fit to give us Nate Diamond’s weight, but not that of Joe Briggs, showing that he’s no slouch at half-assing things either. Anyway, the bar is set at two stars boys, show us what you got!
They start with the obligatory armbar, so Briggs can showcase his ability to do a one-handed cartwheel. Nice try, but it’s still a minute long armbar contest, that’s finally won by Diamond with a headlock takedown.
Whilst they writhe on the mat, Joe Wheeler and Dakota Booth review the workout session between Briggs and Dakota last week. In summary, Joe Wheeler says that Joe Briggs is not a likeable guy but you have to respect his wrestling ability. And Dakota Booth says “Like hell I do!”, though of course not nearly as succinctly to the point. Dakota also tells us what his family is going to do to the Cripplers on July 12th, as Beau James plays fast and loose with the space/time continuum.
Leapfrog by Briggs leads to a hiptoss attempt blocked into the real hiptoss by Diamond. Nate follows up with a whip into the turnbuckle followed by a back bodydrop, a staple bump in every Joe Briggs match.
Diamond jumps high and takes Briggs down with a scary headscissors that looks more like a headscisscors spike DDT. I would have absolutely bought that as a finish, but Briggs pops up quickly thereafter, so it obviously wasn’t meant to be as devastating as it looked. He follows up with another that looks a lot more pedestrian, so I’m not sure whether to say it was better or worse.
Another corner whip followed up with a weak clothesline, but Diamond redeems himself with a nice dropkick. This is too much action for the SSW crowd to handle, so Nate settles things down with a snap mare into a good old fashioned headlock. I’m not digging this match very much thusfar…the LT Falk match felt like both guys were actually trying to win a wrestling match, whereas this feels like two guys acting out a carefully rehearsed ballet performance.
Joe Briggs eventually forces Nate Diamond to the ropes, feigning a clean break but eventually hitting a head butt to the solar plexus. Briggs sends Diamond into motion, which nine times out of ten backfires on Briggs, and it does so here as well as Nate hits a sloppy cross bodyblock for a two count. Diamond heads onto the apron and goads Briggs into approaching so that he can hit him with a shoulderblock, then just barely gets over Briggs with a Sunset Flip that gets two.
Briggs recovers with a rake of the eyes, then hits a side backbreaker that’s good for two. Briggs continues to expand his moveset with a side Russian legsweep that gets Joe Wheeler reminiscing about the late Brad Armstrong, and I can’t believe that I’d forgotten that he was already dead. Yet Jake Roberts, Scott Hall, and Beau James are still with us. Crazy.
HELLACIOUS knife edge chop by Joe Briggs that not one hillbilly “Whoos!” for. Briggs tries again to no avail, and in his frustration at this sleepy crowd sends Nate Diamond into the ropes, but you can’t Irish Whip Diamond, who hits a much better Sunset Flip for another two count.
An irate Joe Briggs gets up and levels Diamond with an 0.8 on the Kyle Kool LARIATO!~ scale. Briggs takes time to taunt Dakota Booth before making the cover, and only gets a two count as a result. Joe Wheeler tells us to go back in the past on July 12th to see the big six man tag match!
Diamond back on offense in the corner, and it looks like he wants Briggs to reverse the whip into the corner, but Briggs slips and thus has to feebly slam into the far corner anyway, so Diamond rushes to take a boot to go down instead.
We’re recycling their limited moveset for the third or fourth time now, as Diamond reverses a whip into the corner and catches Briggs coming out with an awkward back bodydrop. A couple of awkward clotheslines follow, and I’m guessing that Mr. Diamond is blown up. And that guess proves right, as his third clothesline is the shittiest looking clothesline since the last Misty James match.
Briggs sells that for the minimum amount of time possible before sending Diamond into the ropes, this time getting caught with a bulldog. How the hell does the guy in control of the Irish Whip, looking at his opponent the entire time, get caught by surprise by a bulldog? It might have made sense when they were planning this match over beers, but Joe Briggs looked like an idiot sticking his head out like an ostrich for two seconds to make that possible. This was supposed to be the spot in the match where the contender looks like he can pull off the win, but Briggs kicks out at 2.01 because he has no sense of timing.
Speaking of no sense of timing, now is the time where Briggs hits his inverted DDT out of nowhere, completely against the flow of the match, for the one two three.
Winner in about 7:00 with the Premature Ejaculation and STILL SSW TV Champion, Joe Briggs 1/2*
Joe Briggs can do Cenacanranas til the cows come home, but without a veteran carrying him he has no idea how to structure a match. A bunch of random stuff happens for 6 to 10 minutes, then he hits his stupid finisher out of nowhere to end it. He should spend less time in Samsons Gym and more time watching NWA matches on the WWE Network.
Among the usual church and SSW hype commericals we get Beau James pimping his Birthday Bash on July 16th. Tickets are $10, $8, and $5. Bring your own chair!
We’re back with Rebecca Lynn for another monotone interview. Her time is July 12th, and she’s going to take Misty James out. But why wait until July 12th? Let’s do this right now on July 13th! As Rebecca Lynn heads into the ring, ostensibly to wait for Misty to answer her challenge, Joe Wheeler introduces a five minute video package of interaction between the two women over the past week, which leads into another commercial. Somebody bring Rebecca Lynn a book, sounds like she’s got a long wait in the ring…
Misty James is in action next, featuring the shitty hiptoss of doom!
We get the Jerry Lawler promo! Wonder if he paid to have that on the show this week?
We’re back with full introductions. No weights given for the ladies, though there’s a good chance that they both outweigh Nate Diamond.
It looks like this will be a title match? That would explain some other jumping around the space/time continuum seen on Facebook last week.
Southern States Wrestling Ladies Championship: Misty James(c) vs Rebecca Lynn
I don’t think that this will be the match that ends a six week drought of moves off the second rope.
A couple of decidedly unerotic go behinds leads Misty James to hit a surprising schoogirl takedown for a two count. That’s like Daniel Bryan hitting Randy Orton with the Busaiku kick ten seconds into the match with Orton kicking out!
Dakota wants to call the match, but all he can think about is the fight that he’s going to be getting into yesterday. Live in the now!
We get a minute of armbars that I boycott. I don’t rate armbars.
A couple of bizarre two handed chops by Misty James put Rebecca Lynn down. Misty is lurching around like The Great Khali out there. In other words, her mobility has greatly increased. Must be all the trips to Samson’s Gym. Or perhaps she’s getting some lovin’ from Samson’s Joe.
Extended series of SSW Main Event Offense from Rebecca Lynn ends with a choke in the ropes, though the title is on the line, so she does break at four this time. Snap mare/kick to the back combo hits a 0.03 on the Daniel Bryanometer, about three times better than Misty does it, but it’s only good for two. Joe Wheeler tells us that the title could change hands right here tonight, meaning that it would be Rebecca Lynn who goes on to defend against Misty James yesterday.
It’s generally scary watching Misty run the ropes. Rebecca caught her coming off with an elbow, but I fear that slamming into the ropes like that hurt much worse. Rebecca demonstrates the proper way to run these ropes: slow down to a stop two inches before them, lean slightly into them, then lurch back in the other direction. I reckon that Misty’s chop did hurt more than the ropes, but she still has enough left in the tank to grab the ropes to escape at two.
Now Misty hits her trademark biel of bullshit, and the crowd goes wild! Maybe she will be the Florence Foster Jenkins of wrestling, headlining Madison Square Garden at age 75?
Misty kills about 30 seconds with a rear chinlock before Rebecca takes her down with a jaw jacker, using her head literally (literally, Joe tells us!) so that they can rest some more.
Misty takes a page from the Joe Briggs Book of Psychology, hulking up out of nowhere to hit four forearms and a double arm chop that gets a 2.01. Is every single SSW wrestler afraid of waiting for at least a 2.5 count to build some drama!?
From the middle of the ring Misty hits Rebecca with a short whip into the corner, then follows up with a splash that surprisngly does not miss. The second one is also true. But the third time is the charm, as Rebecca Lynn gets out of the way, correctly catches Misty on the way down with a schoolgirl, and even kinda/sorta gets her feet on the ropes to get the three count. New champion! What a surprise!
Winner in about 5:00 via Ric Flair homage that nobody in attendance gets, and NEW Southern States Wrestling Ladies Champion, Rebecca Lynn! DUD
Rebecca’s hard work in the last five seconds ends the streak of shows with negative star ratings. Rebecca grabs the belt herself as Misty stares from the ring in disbelief, and Dakota Booth displays actual emotion for the first time tonight…which he can use as an excuse for his “Misty James cheated out of losing her title” line.
One last Beau James voiceover for his Birthday Bash on July 16th. Misty James has a return match with Rebecca Lynn for the title on that show, so I assume that her match July 12th didn’t go so well either.
We’ll be back again next week with who knows what. Bring your own chair!
Southern States Wrestling takes us Back to the Future Part II with a new intro featuring an epilepsy inducing SIX screens of wrestling highlights. It’s what people in 1989 thought the world would be like in 2014!
As slimming-stripe Joe Wheeler shoots us with an imaginary gun (I’m one of the biggest Joe Wheeler supporters on the interwebs, but the more I see of him, the more he looks a little bit…creepy. I wonder if he’s ever met Chris Hansen.), Dakota Booth introduces the show with a raucous crowd in the background, that I dare say looks slightly bigger than at the last TV taping.
Joe Wheeler breaks down tonight’s action. The heavyweight champion Kyle Kool is in the house! Scott Sterling will take on Ray Idol in a number one contenders match. And Joe informs Dakota that television champion Joe Briggs has challenged Dakota to a “workout” on live television, a challenge that Dakota immediately accepts. Joe Briggs will find out what Dakota can do in the ring!
SSW Champ Kyle Kool walks out to interrupt the proceedings. We’re feasting our eyes on the champ, Mr. Hollywood! A lone fan claps enthusiastically, and Mr. Kool is on that like neckbone. He asks Joe Wheeler what he has in his hand. Obviously it’s a baseball cap. But it’s not just any baseball cap, it’s a baseball cap with numbers inside. Kyle Kool is the People’s Champ (Sorry, Rock. You had a good run), and to prove it, he has the top ten contenders to the SSW title inside the hat, and he’s going to let Joe Wheeler pick one out at random.
Joe Wheeler picks and it’s…the number 4? Kyle Kool explains that that number corresponds to a world class athlete…Bobo Brown!
Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Championship: Kyle Kool(c) vs Bobo Brown
Bobo Brown looks about as excited about getting an SSW title shot as I would be. Joe Wheeler talks about Bobo being a double-tough competitor from Downtown Detroit Michigan, as he takes Kool down with an armdrag, but Dakota thinks it’s kind of convenient that Kyle Kool has a competitor that has been on a bit of a losing streak as of late. Joe points out that indeed, the piece of paper only had a number four on it, with no names at all, and Dakota has an epiphany: every number in that hat could have been number four!
As Kyle Kool chokes out Bobo in the corner, Joe Wheeler does a 180 and blows off Bobo’s chances, thinking that this was a way for Kool to duck DeAndre Jackson for awhile. A few seconds of SSW Main Event offense from both sides before Kyle Kool rams Bobo’s head into the turnbuckle.
A black man feels nothing when you hit him in the head! That’s wrestling as I remember it!
Bobo’s about to lay some Chocolate Pain on Kool, but he wisely and cowardly covers in the ropes. Dakota is hitting a 9.8 on the Commentary Suckometer this week. We get a disappointing split-second where the sound cuts out. Dissappointing, as a mute show is preferable to Dakota’s time-filling inane monotone.
Joe tries to run down the big Appalachian Fair Block Party show on July 12th, but even he has to stop to express his amazement as Kyle Kool bodyslams the morbidly obese clown. Kyle follows up with The People’s Headbutt, but that only gets two. That should be his finisher, dammit!
Vertical suplex, that actually gets a little bit of height, but that too is only good for two.
Sadly, we skip ahead in this match to a point where Bobo gets slung into the far turnbuckle, then slings him back into the opposite corner, but Bobo gets out of the way of a big running splash. Bobo connects with the weakest chop I’ve ever seen (women included), a slightly harder punch, and finally a Big Black Man Head Butt. This gives Bobo time to size Kyle up for a Jumping Big Black Man Head Butt!
But Bobo doesn’t go for the cover, instead choosing to pick up Kyle and try to throw him into the far corner…but Kyle reverses! And as Bobo stumbles out…
Stick a fork in Bobo, he’s done.
Winner in about 5:00 shown with The Clothesline From SSW, and STILL SSW Champion, Kyle Kool. 1/2*
Match gets above DUD level solely on the merit of the bodyslam.
Joe Wheeler at ringside to try and get the lowdown on Kyle Kool. There’s rumors that he’s ducking DeAndre Jackson, and that he’s paying off the Death Riders to attack people, but that’s completely FALSE! Kyle Kool is a good guy who doesn’t cheat and plays by the rules! The Death Riders are good friends, and whatever they do for him they do for FREE! He wants to elaborate on DeAndre a bit more, but he’s suddenly remembered some urgent business and has to split.
Now Equalizer Krunch of the Death Riders approaches Joe Wheeler. Kyle Kool DID pay the Death Riders, and Krunch has the check to prove it. But there’s one problem: the check bounced. And Chic White is in jail for trying to pass off the bad check! I guess the cops took one look at Chic and said “You know what, we don’t even need to keep this check as evidence.” Their motto is “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”, not for free. That’s true, AC/DC never sang anything about that. All Krunch wants to do is talk to Kyle and straighten things out, but it’s time for a commercial break.
Before that, a replay of the LARIATO! I’m feeling generous, so I’ll bump the match up to 3/4* for that.
Joe’s back with the other Joe, softball home run tournament champion Joe Briggs, letting him know that Dakota has accepted Briggs’s challenge. Briggs says that the worst thing to happen in this business was letting fans run around in the dressing room and in the ring. Dakota is nothing but a fan, sitting behind the desk and getting every single move wrong in the ring. OK, that might now be the closest thing to a shoot we’ve seen in SSW. But all of the sudden Uncle Beau teaches him a few moves and now he’s a professional wrestler? Joe Briggs is going to use this opportunity before July 12th to prove that Dakota Booth doesn’t belong in a professional wrestling ring, but Dakota has changed into shorts and a camouflage tank top and charges the ring, telling Joe to get it on.
Wrestling Workout: TV Champion Joe Briggs and Announcer Dakota Booth
The bell rings, but Joe Briggs wants to do real wrestling. So he tells Dakota to assume the defensive position, dismissively rustling his hair for good measure. Dakota complies and Joe…actually assumes his position cleanly as well. The referee signals to go, and Dakota immediately escapes. And the crowd loves it!
Now Dakota challenges Joe Briggs to do the same. Once again, a clean setup, and Briggs immediately reverses the hold…but Dakota immediately does the same, forcing Joe to scurry to the ropes for the break. Briggs screamed that he slipped, then asks for a collar and elbow tieup. Briggs gets ahead with a waistlock, but Dakota flips him over with an arm toss. Dakota throws up his arms to get a reaction, and he’s somehow more over than that transgender wrestling pretty boy who’s name I won’t mention ever was.
Joe Briggs gets a hammerlock on Dakota, but Dakota reverses by flipping over behind him. Just as I’m starting to gain an ounce of respect for the guy, he charges in and collides with Joe in such a sloppy manner that I don’t know who was supposed to be hurt. And Joe Briggs is done playing games, charging in with a kick to the gut. Briggs gets Dakota down in a ground-and-pound position and has his way with Dakota until Beau James “charges” the ring to clear Briggs out and lead Dakota back to the dressing room.
Can’t really rate that as a wrestling match, but it was surprisingly entertaining.
Joe Wheeler back at ringside to ask Joe Briggs if Dakota’s performance surprised him a little bit, but he didn’t surprise him at all. Just because Dakota knows a few wrestling moves…we never finish that thought, as Dakota charges out to pound on Briggs and chase him out of the shot!
Beau James gets another chance to hard sell the Gray, Tennessee Block Party on July 12th, and he does so. It’s not a home run like the last show, but it’s a clean single up the middle as we go to commercial.
If they’re gonna push Dakota Booth, then I suppose that that was the method to use to do it. Of course, there’s probably also a method to having sex with a barrel cactus, but that alone doesn’t make it a good idea either.
We’ve ten minutes left in the broadcast, and it looks like the entertaining portion of the show is over, as Ray Idol and Scott Sterling are in the ring.
Number One Contenders Match: Ray Idol vs Scott Sterling
Ray Idol is still one half of the SSW Tag Team Champions with Jake Booth. Both men are skilled in churning out negative stars, so I have my low hopes for this match. On a positive note, it seems that Joe Wheeler is flying solo on commentary for this match.
Boring side headlock by Ray Idol starts things off, but it’s not an armbar, so I’ll acknowledge it. Sterling elbows out and shoots him towards the ropes, but Ray confuses him with a comedy spot that gets him back into the headlock, this time with a full takedown to the mat.
Sterling slowly reverses into a headscissors, and Idol’s slow reversal of that gives Joe Wheeler plenty of time to run down the upcoming cards for the month. Idol finally assumes a headstand to escape the hold and puts Sterling down with a low dropkick.
A good old-fashioned test of strength sees Sterling on the losing end, Idol dragging Sterling’s hands down until they touch they mat, then promptly stomping on them. Sterling plays the buffoon role well, but I don’t know if that’s really how you’d want your top “crippler” heels portrayed.
Time for the armbar. After 30 seconds of this, Idol wrestles Sterling down to the mat, plays to the crowd, and jumps way up to stomp the arm. Come to think of it, when I was six years old, I do remember thinking it not strange that guys would just lay completely still on the mat and let themselves take moves like this. Wrestling the way I remember it!
Armbar into a savat kick into a knee lift gets two for Idol. This match remains in limbo neither being comically bad nor venturing near being anything good. But it’s starting to slip below DUD as Idol locks on yet another armbar. Sterling finally reverses into a turnbuckle smash, and it looks like Ray Idol isn’t black enough to avoid feeling the effect.
Scott Sterling goes on a two minute run of SSW Main Event Offense, but Joe Wheeler does a good job of distraction by explaining all of the damage that a reverse chinlock with a knee in the back can do. Creepy or not, the man knows how to call a professional wrestling match. Maybe all he really needs is a good eyebrow trimming and a trip to see Dr. Isaac Yankem?
Finally some action, as Sterling whips Idol into the ropes, but Idol reverses with a back suplex. Every match gets a suplex tonight! But it’s Sterling who is first to his feet, taking Idol down and locking a combination Yokozuna nerve hold with a knee in the back. It’s a special tribute to all the rest hold masters tonight! This also allows Joe Wheeler to unleash his inner Gorilla Monsoon, telling us the names of all the body parts that are affected. But someone needs to tell him that “Oriental” is no longer PC in 2014.
Brief hope spot for Idol, but Sterling regains control with a kneelift. He hits Idol with a forearm to the top of the head, and I can’t understand how that does anything other than injure the guy delivering the blow. The Greatest Resthold Hits Exhibition continues with a funky knee-to-the-head armbar hold. At least he’s mixing it up, but I’m not the type to appreciate subtle differences in boredom. I bet the folks from the 70’s in attendence are digging this though.
Idol fights out with some elbows and knocks Sterling down with an enzuigiri to the back. This gets a two count, and Idol immediately covers again for another two count. And apparently this was all just stalling for time, as Dakota has returned to the broadcast both so we can head to the real finish. And sure enough, Joe Briggs heads into the ring to put a full nelson on Ray Idol for no apparent reason, rendering the last eight minutes of boredom meaningless.
Winner by DQ and new Number One Contender: Ray Idol. -*
I wanted this match get over DUD, but the wrestlers stubbornly refused to do so.
Meanwhile, Scott Sterling tries to punch Ray Idol, but Idol escapes the full nelson, and Sterling nails Briggs instead. Idol punches down Sterling and leaves the ring in triumph.
We replay the exciting failed run-in of Joe Briggs, because there’s literally (literally, I tell ya!) nothing else from the match worth showing.
Joe Wheeler over to interview two-thirds of the Cripplers. Scott Sterling got a raw deal because Ray Idol cheated! Joe Wheeler better stop hiding behind the microphone and do something because they’re tired of this crap!
The show ran a minute over this week, as Joe signs off from the Power 31 Minutes without a preview of next week’s show. We received no explanation as to why Rebecca Lynn is being advertised as the defending SSW Ladies Champion on the upcoming shows next weekend.
The show started off strong, but ending up a boring mishmash that had nothing to do with the big shows that they were promoting for the following weekend.
But on a positive note, I’ve finally caught up with the present, so we need only put up with this crap once a week going forward. Which is great, as you can probably tell that I’m running on fumes here.
Stay classy, Blog of Doom!
You people have gotten too spoiled with fresh crappy matches every week. It’s time for you to experience a staple of Southern States Wrestling: the clip show.
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
June 29th, 2014
But first, a ten bell salute for former SSW Heavyweight Champion Brian Overbay, complete with “wRESTle in Peace” graphic. Classy stuff, Beau.
This is followed by the two second version of the opening intro.
Last week, if you will recall, with extensive use of imagination, the James boys (Beau, nephew Jake Booth, and nephew Jake Booth) were beaten into a bloodless pulp by The Cripplers. Are they dead? Let’s find out!
Joe Wheeler, wearing the man-boob enhancing Polo shirt, opens solo in a wood-paneled office with a large potted plant and two huge checks in the background. It is unclear whether those checks are going to various charities, or have been received from them.
Joe highlights the major plot point of the past several months: Frank Parker, Scott Sterling, and now 9-Pin Tap Champion Joe Briggs, collectively known as The Cripplers, have been on a vendetta to eliminate Beau James and his family from wrestling. Things have gotten ugly and downright brutal. I love shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments.
But it’s all coming to a head. July 12th. Appalatian Fairgrounds. Gray, Tennessee. The Block Party. A big six man tag between The Cripplers and The James Boys! And we’ve got a special video package to review all that’s happened.
Thanksgiving 2013. Frank and Scott beat up Beau and Misty during an interview
Christmas 2013: Beau James vs Frank Parker, last man standing match. Frank beats Beau after outside interference when referee Jimmy Valiant (yes, that Jimmy Valiant) rules Beau unable to continue. The Cripplers beat on Beau’s back with a baseball bat, necessitating surgery. Randy Hales sounds absolutely sloshed on the mic. They must not have been able to pay him in crack.
The beatdown was so brutal they can’t even show us the footage! Except when they forget that.
More after the break. I don’t care if this is a clip show, Joe Wheeler talking alone is still better than 95% of the other things I’ve watched since starting this review.
TV Taping in Gray on July 25th. Beau James Birthday Bash on July 16th. And of course, the six man war on July 12th at the Appalatian Fairgrounds in Gray, Tennessee, the mecca of redneck wrestling!
And let us not forget the night after. July 13th, Preaching Christ Church, Kingsport Tennessee. Hard hitting wrestling, followed by sermons from the stars of Southern States Wrestling. TESTIFY, BOBO!
Finally, a spoiler alert: Mick Foley and Jim Cornette made the booking!
Back to the studio, where Joe Wheeler stands with the Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool. Most of those checks in the background say “The Food Experts”, so I guess they must be the folks propping this company up. I wonder if we’ll see a fatter version of Dixie Carter running things soon?
Joe tells Kyle Kool that he will be defending the SSW title against DeAndre Jackson at the Appalatian Fairgrounds show on July 12th. He’s heard DeAndre calling him a chicken, but he’s standing here now and can’t find DeAndre anywhere. They’re gonna fight on the 12th, and it’s gonna be KOOL BABY! They really need a stool for him to stand on at times like this…it doesn’t look good having a heavyweight champion that’s six inches smaller than the announcer.
Clip footage of Evil Bearded Joe Wheeler interviewing Beau back in March. They really need some slimming stripes for him to wear at times like this…it doesn’t look good having the top babyface be a hundred pounds heavier than the fat-assed announcer. Beau’s not a rich man in money, but he’s filthy stinking rich in love! We use the scroll-down fade in iMovie ’04 to jump ahead to the point where Ray Idol and Frank Parker have entered the picture and started bickering amongst themselves.
This ends as all such segments end, with Frank Parker laying the smack down on everybody. Even Joe Wheeler takes a Beau James quality bump. But Misty James is able to wrestle a chair out of his hands, and the Booth Boys do a double team beatdown to prevent things from getting too bad.
Cut back to the studio, and for some reason we now see Joe Wheeler’s Twitter Handle SSWJoe. He has made exactly one tweet in over four years. Now would be a good time to show him some love.
Joe throws it out to yet more footage: The Cripplers reign supreme until Beau James returns to clear house.
Footage is also shown from the June 8th show and last week, and I’m too lazy to re-review it.
Final comments from both sides after the break!
“This spot can be Your’s for only a few Dollars a week!!!” I think that Scott should take advantage of this in order to take The Blog of Doom to the next level.
As a result of snatching Dakota Booth and throwing him into the ring for a beatdown last week, Frank Parker has been suspended from appearing on television, but the Cripplers are still represented by Scott Sterling and the man with the most durable trophy in wrestling, Joe Briggs.
The Battle Lines have been drawn, and Joe Briggs chooses to side with success! Joe Briggs has spent his entire life fighting, losing weight, getting in shape, and stepping into the ring. And on July 12th, the James family will find out exactly what he is: white trash with a bowling trophy.
Now Scott’s here to tell us that what happened to Dakota last week is nothing compared to what’s gonna happen on the 12th! Beau should’ve stayed gone! You know Scott is serious because he waves his left arm 83 times. He also drops a vague reference to Joe Briggs’s “Doctor of Destruction” nickname that has never been used on Southern States Wrestling. That’s about as “inside” as SSW ever gets. Beau, you should have stayed gone! Now it’s too late! The Block Party is gonna be a party for The Cripplers! And I only have 45 seconds of talking points for a 90 second interview, so let me say all of that again!
Now it’s OH MY GOD, DAKOTA! Why did they cut the footage of Joe Briggs assaulting Dakota Booth with a pair of hair clippers and giving him a shitty haircut just like him!? That must have happened, because nobody else would choose to look like that, not even in Tennessee! But not even that fazes a pro like Joe Wheeler, who no-sells the abomination to hard-sell the qualities of Dakota Booth: an all-star high school athlete in baseball and basketball. But can he get it done in wrestling? Dakota is the smallest guy in this war, and Joe Wheeler is very concerned about his safety.
Even though Dakota is the smallest, he’s a MAN! He’s 22 years old (wow, I assumed he was 16), and he dares say he’s smarter than any of those other guys. He knows that he’s the strongest and the toughest of them all! His family believes in him, and he’s got a big advantage: confidence! That confidence comes from a Book that he reads, and he’s going to tell us all about it.
It’s a story about David, brother, and he went up against this nine-foot giant named Goliath. And in front of 250,000 Philistines, brother, David didn’t know if Goliath was gonna do business, but as he slingshot Goliath into the ropes, he could hear the big man shout “Slam Me Boss!”, and David pressed that 40000 shekel wart-infested giant and slammed him so hard that the First Temple crumpled to the ground! And that’s what Dakota is going to do to you, Cripplers!
Meh. Dakota bodyslamming Frank Parker would be bigger than any Biblical miracle that I could think of.
Beau James continues the Goliath theme, even though it looks like he’s eaten Goliath. He heard Scott Sterling say…wait, Beau James, is screaming, so this should be bold. And this probably deserves the full transcript treatment as well.
“I’ve heard Scott Sterling say that I shouldn’t come back! Well look in THESE eyes, Joe! 26 years in this profession, 14 years old when I first stepped in the ring! I looked across the ring at men I knew was gonna beat me half to death! I didn’t back away from them because I have no fear! The only time in my life I have had fear was lying on that operating table when they say count backwards from a hundred! And you’re looking at those lights and they’re talking about putting tubes down your throat, and they’re talking about cutting your body open! Frank Parker, Scott Sterling, you tried to take away from me! You tried to end my career! You tried to take away what I love! The sport of professional wrestling! And that wasn’t enough for you! You tried to jump on my nephew Jake Booth, separating his shoulder! You tried to jump on my nephew Dakota Booth, try to beat him down, spit on him, HUMILITATE HIM!
And even worse you had to come right here on this television week after week, talk about my mother and my father, talk about my brother-in-law Steve that you put out of professional wrestling for good! You have pushed this family until our backs are against the wall! Let’s think about this Joe Wheeler, you’ve been calling my matches for 20 some years. Jerry Lawler, Bill Dundee, Jimmy Valiant, The Mongolian Stomper, The Fantastics, Ivan Koloff, Robert Fuller, Jimmy Golden, and we can go on and on and on! All came here to the Tri-Cities, and they all said “We’re gonna shut Beau James’s mouth! We’re gonna put him out of wrestling!” (never saw that side of The Fantastics before…) Well who’s hand was raised? Because when push comes to shove, who’s the dirteist man you have ever seen in that ring?
July 12th, right there just five days before my birthday! Just six miles from my home, right down the street from where I graduated high school, I am not coming to wrestle you, I am not coming to fight you, I am coming for a war! And there’s no better way to walk into a war than with your family. You can talk about him being small. You can talk about Jake being inexperienced. But here’s the thing: a family that fights together, stays together!
July 12th! Frank Parker! Scott Sterling! Joe Briggs! It’s time to pay some dues! It’s time to pay the fiddler! And right here he stands! First time in the ring in the Tri-Cities in seven months. I’m coming to hurt all three of you, plain and simple.”
Joe Wheeler tells us one last time: July 12th. Be there.
Say what you will about Beau James, but the man knows how to give a go-home promo, with more passion than you’ll ever see in the WWE. I wonder if the wrestlers drink the Kool-Aid like they did for Paul E.
I’m glad that I can’t get out to the Appalatian Fairgrounds to watch this show. I would hate to tarnish my image of that promo with what that decrepit whale carcass can actually do.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
Yesterday on the Blog of Doom, we presented a special tribute, recognizing the Southern States Wrestling career of LT Falk. However, some 25 hours later, the facts of this horrific tragedy are now apparent.
Therefore, other than my comments, there will be no mention of Ms. Falk’s name tonight.
On the other hand, tonight’s report will be dedicated to everyone that has been affected by this terrible incident. This evening marks the first step of the healing process. Tonight. SSW performers will do what they do better than anyone else in the world.
Cheap Memphis heat.
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
June 22nd, 2014
We’ve got a great crowd in Gray, Tennessee, as history is being made! Beau James returns to the ring, as the special referee for the match between Jake Booth and Scott Sterling. Law and order will prevail! We also have The Death Riders in the ring behind us, so it looks like we’re gonna waste no time with intense SSW action!
DeAndre Jackson vs Chic White
According to Solie’s Vintage Wrestling, both Chic White and his partner Equalizer Krunch are both former SSW Heavyweight Champions in the mid-90’s, so this team has an APA level of star power.
DeAndre Jackson is extremely cautious getting into the ring…but evidently not cautious enough, as he gets leveled by the other Death Rider while in between the ropes. I’m not sure if he slips or DDT’s Jackson’s head on the apron, but regardless it’s effective, as Chic comes down to make it a two-on-one beatdown on the floor.
Chris Norris tries to make the save, but a rake of the eyes is enough to take him out for good. Joe Wheeler tries to sell this as something terrible, but seems to have overdosed on his Xanax this morning, and his monotone “things are getting crazy here in southern states” line is uncharacteristically laughable. Shane Royal also tries to help, but the eye rake of doom puts him down as well.
The coup de grace comes as both Death Riders pick up DeAndre and slam him on the floor! Never mind that it was so low and gingerly than my grandma could safely take that bump, they slammed him on the solid hard concrete floor!!
I understand why it take Beau James this long to waddle down and help, but what’s Jake Booth’s excuse? Anyway, they chase the Death Riders away…a good ten feet away, to where Joe Wheeler is standing, as they really test the boundaries of this “arena”. Equalizer Krunch tells us what this about…Kyle Kool has mailed them a check to take DeAndre Jackson out. Hey, Krunch wasn’t just throwing the SSW title away from a Crackel Barrel meal, he was securing future business! And what Jackson said in his promo three weeks ago wasn’t lunacy, it was a premonition!
Anyway, it’s a check with a lot of numbers on it, and obviously Kyle Kool is good for the money, so they haven’t even bothered to cash it yet. Hell, they’ll take Confederate money, because money is money! The jobbers cart Jackson away as we get a replay of The Death Riders gently setting Jackson down onto the concrete before going to commercial.
We replay the footage from last week of Misty James regaining the SSW Ladies Title before being beat down by vanquished champion Miss Rachael, her “companion” Kit, and Rebecca Lynn.
Back to live action as Dakota
reads from his notes interviews Rebecca Lynn about her actions last week. This feud with Misty James goes back a long, long time, and is about much more than the title! And if she’s as big and as bad as she says she is, then she’ll get in the ring with her right now!
Misty James is country strong, of course she’s gonna come out and fight! They both hit the ring and circle over half of it in a collar and elbow tieup until the former champion Miss Rachael intervenes. They both team up on her and send her into the ropes, but Misty holds on and bails out, not willing to take on two at a time. This makes Rebecca Lynn unhappy, and for a second it looks like the heel women are gonna get to clubberin’, but it turns into a comedy segment. Fortunately, half the crowd is made up of six year olds (some sick kid in the Southern States should make a wish for John Cena to come down here, and make Cena’s wish come true for once) and the schtick goes over well with them.
Foley is coming…Foley is coming…Foley is coming…
Bobo Brown is on the screen and he’s pissed! He’s pissed because he has to buy time to say his piece, because nobody in production can find time to squeeze him in! None of you crackers respect him! His partners lose, not him! He’s a winner! And that Jamie Gibson guy is the biggest loser of them all! And he just happens to be standing right there! And if he wants TV time, he can step in the ring with him! Bobo agrees, but wants it to be known that he has more wins than Gibson. Gibson has no response to that, so he punches Bobo in the head. Instafeuding at its finest!
Between that paid promo and Samson’s Gym, Beau is rolling in the dough this week!
Oh my God…
Jake Booth vs Scott Sterling – Special Guest Referee Beau James
We’re only 12 minutes into this show. If they give these guys 15 minutes, that might be the straw that breaks the intergender wrestler’s back. I’m not sure what the point of putting the heel in a handicap situation is, but let’s give it a shot anyway…
Collar and elbow tie up sends Sterling into the ropes, and a clean break by Jake. Beau can’t be bothered to wear a traditional referee’s outfit, and indeed looks sloppier than any of the fans. Stay Classy, Beau. Dakota is happy with the numbers game, because if things go wrong it will be his family delivering the blow! I don’t know how to respond to that. Does this mean that they are breaking me?
This time Sterling backs Jake into the corner. Sterling goes for a punch, but the referee blocks it, and Jake punches back. Dakota and Joe Wheeler are having all kinds of fun with this. Poor Scott.
Dueling armbars give me a chance to take a break. I don’t rate armbars. Sterling breaks it up by stepping into the ropes, and the referee smacks his ass because SSW.
And I think the referee also flips him the bird? That’s not very Christian-like!
Armbar by Jake, and the referee yanks Scott Sterling’s hair to bring him to the mat. I guess that’s why they didn’t use Frank Parker in this match. I hate to admit it, but this Memphis heat really plays with the little kids and hillbillies in this crowd.
Another yank of the hair, as Beau James makes Danny Davis look like Tommy Young.
While controlling with the hammerlock, Jake Booth twists the nipple of Scott Sterling. The referee scolds him for not doing it hard enough, and shows Jake the proper way. That’s wrong in at least a dozen ways, number one of which is that they’re not facing any of the crowd that would react to those moves.
Suddenly Beau starts calling the match down the middle, and Sterling takes over with his SSW Main Event Offense as a result. It should be noted that nobody has dared climb to the SECOND ROPE OF DOOM since they moved to this shittier venue with a shittier ring ropes last month (I think you have to go back to March when Eric Darkstorm was the last man brave enough to venture to the top rope)
Jake gives me another break with another armbar.
Sterling gets to the ropes, but the referee makes an extremely slow count to give Jake another 15 seconds with the hold.
The next ten seconds are some of the most over-exaggerated fake shit you’ll ever see in a so-called wrestling match. Jake Booth can do some things when you move at 20% speed to accommodate him.
Like another armbar…
Fuck this, I’m shooting to the end.
Scott Sterling has Jake Booth down in a spinning toe hold, but Jake kicks Scott into uncle Beau, who actually takes a half-assed bump (literally half-assed, I’m telling ya!) While Beau is down, Sterling slips an international object on his hand and cold-cocks Jake with it.
Beau pulls himself up with all the grace of Andre the Giant in his dying days, and walks over to Sterling. He’s hidden the evidence, but a fan says that he hit Jake with something in his hand. Beau searches for the object, but then just blasts him in the head anyway, as it looks like we’re getting our second non-finish tonight (third, if you count the women’s encounter) About nine minutes and definitely worse than DUD, but I just can’t get myself to watch all of it for an accurate count.
Finally, some justice for Sterling, as his partners Frank Parker and Joe Briggs hit the ring. All of a sudden the numbers game that Dakota crowed about has turned the other way, as Parker, Sterling, and Briggs lay an SSW Main Event Beatdown on Jake Booth and the beached whale. Dakota shows an ounce of intelligence by not jumping into the fray, but loses points for his complete lack of emotion of commentary.
But Frank Parker isn’t content; he wants the whole enchilada. So he jumps out of the ring, disappears off-screen (because the hard camera can’t swivel that far), and returns with Dakota in tow, heaving him into the ring as one sad fan screams “C’MON DAKOTA!”
There are no impressive moves here, just a large number of punches, stomps, kicks, chokes, and elbows to all of the James clan. And after the way that they stacked the deck against the Cripplers, you can’t say that they didn’t have it coming. Joe Briggs does slip in his inverted DDT finisher on Jake Booth. He’ll likely be scolded in the back for showing up his elders like that.
The three minute assault finishes with Sterling taking the intercontinental object to the small of the back of Beau James several times (unfortunately showing us a large quanity of pasty white Beau gut in the process) before the satisfied trio finally leave the ring, Joe Briggs taking the opportunity to tell the hard camera that they are CRIPPLERS, and that’s what happens when you step in the ring with them!
Joe Wheeler breaks out his “this is serious” voice, as the camera zooms in on a wart on Beau’s arm. The family squirms on the mat in silence for several seconds…and we go off the air five minutes early? I bet Vince doesn’t have the balls to do that with RAW!
This show was all about angle progression, with no match going to a conclusion. It’s almost as if they were trying to throw so much stuff at us that we all forget that a certain she-male ever existed.
Until next time, stay classy Blog of Doom!
If time flies when you’re having fun, then prepare for time to plop back down like 400 pounds of lard. Because the Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour review starts NOW!
Before the regular intro, we see the entrance of Southern States Wrestling champion Miss Rachael.
We open with Joe Wheeler and Dakota Booth at ringside, wishing the fathers out there a happy Fathers Day. Joe tells us that we’re going to hear from Southern States Wrestling Champion Kyle Kool for realz this time…but before that, we’ve got a heck of a ladies match about to start, so let’s get it started already!
Southern States Wrestling Women’s Championship: Miss Rachael(c) vs Misty James
No announcer this week. Miss Rachael has some lady at ringside accompanying her, but nobody has any idea of her name.
I am boycotting the first minute of commentary of this match due to it being nothing but reversals of armbars. I don’t rate armbars.
I am boycotting the second minute of commentary of this match due to them trying to pull a fast one on me by mixing five seconds of full nelson reversals in with the armbar reversals. Nice try.
Dakota Booth brings up Miss Rachael’s participation in commentary last week, particularly her saying that she was so much better than everyone else, leading Dakota to ask, “You have to wonder, if that’s the case, why does she need to feel to have why she have need have…the need to have someone in her corner if she is just flat out better than everyone else?” Couldn’t have said it better myself…if I were in the middle of suffering a massive stroke.
I’ll resume from the Misty James headlock, broken up with a series of punches to the gut. Miss Rachael sends Misty into the ropes, but Misty’s botched attempt to run the ropes is obviously a deliberate attempt to throw Miss Rachael off rhythm. The plan works perfectly, as Misty ducks a clothesline and hits one of her own. Misty forgoes the use of ropes altogether for a second clothesline, and finally puts her down with a double handed chop that gets a two count.
Miss Rachael regains the upper hand with an upper hand thrust to the throat. Miss Rachael lays in the kicks in the corner with such gusto that her ample clevage threatens to escape from her outfit. Even Jerry Lawler would agree that it’s best to keep those puppies locked inside their cages.
One armed snap mare out of the corner is about as good as you can expect from an SSW lady. The “crowd” (for lack of a better word, which I still haven’t found since last week’s show) is firmly behind Misty James, imploring her to make a comeback. Joe Wheeler is somewhat embarassed with Miss Rachael’s conduct in recent weeks because his family is from England. That would explain why we never see him with a big toothy smile.
As Miss Rachael works over Misty James with the Main Event Chinlock, Rebecca Lynn walks out to further stack the deck against Misty. How will she ever overcome these odds…assuming Beau James doesn’t waddle out and beat the crap out of everyone for her? Rachael eventually releases the hold and beats Misty into a corner, where she shows impressive flexibility choking out a standing Misty James with her boot. I’m grateful that Miss Rachael is a pro with her uniform, making sure not to show off a camel toe to the hard camera.
However, she’s not a such a pro as to avoid showing the world that she’s blatantly calling the next move. Miss Rachael whips Misty into the far side and charges in for an avalanche…but, somehow, Misty is able to get out of the way just in time! Even though we saw Misty James practice this move against Nicole Starr last week, she still isn’t able to pull of the Diva Rollup of Doom quite as well, but she improvises well enough to get the pinfall anyway and regain her title.
Winner in around 3:30 via botched schoolgirl rollup, and NEW Southern States Wrestling Women’s Champion, Misty James. DUD
Misty has about one second to celebrate her victory before the unknown lady attacks her from behind. As she and Miss Rachael put the beatdown on Misty, Rebecca Lynn also enters the ring. Apparently, just now, Dakota Booth is informed that the other lady’s name is “Kit”, no doubt named after the souped up car in Knight Ridder. After a pregnant pause, all three ladies resume stopping a mudhole in the new women’s champion. Finally, Beau James does lurch on down to ringside with his bullwhip “shoebaby” to chase the other women away as Dakota throws it to a commercial break.
This Friday, another set of TV tapings at the Gray Community Center. They will celebrate 50 years in wrestling for Jimmy Valiant! Sadly, Jimmy Valiant would eventually pull out of this event, probably because a hooker and a glass table suddenly became available.
We return to old footage of a tag match between Ray Idol and DeAndre Jackson vs Kyle Kool and Lucas Angel. Idol pins Kool after a modified Hart Attack before the Death Riders come in to attack the faces.
After wasting four minutes on that, we waste another couple of minutes on footage of another time when Kyle Kool and DeAndre Jackson are beating on each other in the ring. Two masked guys try to separate them as the sound intermittently cuts in and out.
And finally, via Kool Kam, a promo from Southern States Wrestling Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool! The iPhone is set up vertically, so the promo only takes up about 25% of screen space. The kids wish their daddies were as kool as Kyle Kool, the daddies wish that they were as kool as Kyle Kool, and the daddies wife wishes that they could fuck Kyle Kool. Because that’s KOOL, BABY!
If nothing else, that was proof that living the gimmick alone isn’t enough to make it.
Back to ringside, as DeAndre Jackson stands with Joe Wheeler, who is beyond disgusted with the comments of Kyle Kool. DeAndre Jackson will not rest until he gets Kyle Kool in the ring again! But he went to the board and he signed the contract. July 12th, Appalachian Fairgrounds, he’s getting his shot at the title! And when they meet, he’s got a couple of Southern hambones that are gonna put some knots on the chrome dome of Kyle Kool! DeAndre Jackson is gonna come, and when he comes, he’s coming stronger, faster, and harder. That’s not a joke, that’s exactly what he said. Even DeAndre can’t bring himself to finish with his lame catchphrase after that boner.
Back to Dakota Booth in front of the locker room, trying to get an update on the status of Misty James. Dakota is shocked that they aren’t letting him into the women’s locker room, even though he apparently went through the trouble of changing his shirt for some reason, but hopefully they will have an update on her status next week.
Hang in there classy fans, as special look at Jake Booth is next!
After the break, we are treated to three minutes of sad offence and generic rock music. The highlight is the ref that looks like Weird Al Yankovic.
Joe Briggs is in the ring with his television title bowling trophy. Are we getting another title match tonight?
HOLY SHIT, IT’S LT FALK! WE’RE GETTING BRIGGS/FALK II TONIGHT!!
Southern States Wrestling Bowling Championship: Joe Briggs(c) vs LT Falk
No chain wrestling to start this one off, the fists are flying! Falk hits a clothesline, a turnbuckle ram, and a back elbow in the first ten seconds. Dakota makes a mistake by opening his mouth, telling us that Joe Briggs “blindfolded” Falk after their match last week, making this feud personal. A couple head butts are followed up by a big back bodydrop, as it’s all Falk from the start. Crowd still hasn’t warmed to him very much though.
Briggs attempts a kick, but Falk catches the foot and throws it in a way that causes Briggs to fall flat on his face. Falk attempts to send Briggs into the ropes, but Briggs reverses with an armwrigger and drops straight down to the mat on Falk’s shoulder. Looks like it’s time for Briggs and his plodding offense to take over. The next several minutes of the match feature Briggs methodically stomping, kicking, and wringing the arm of LT Falk, who’s attempts to kick Briggs off of him are met with contemptful no-selling. This is an Ole Anderson like jobber decimiation, complete with hammerlock slam.
After working over LT in the corner, Briggs whips Falk into the far corner. He charges after him and is supposed to be hit with Falk’s elbow, but it misses completely. Briggs sells it anyway for a second, then thinks better and charges again, this time met by an easier-to-pull-off boot to the head. The one armed Falk comes back with two clotheslines, then doubles over Briggs with a kick and follows up with a flipping neckbreaker, but it damages his own arm at the same time.
Still, Falk is able to go for the cover, but the referee does not make the count on account of being destracted by Scott Sterling. Jake Booth comes out to pull him off, and they peter out fighting amongst themselves, but the ref inexplicably decides to follow them out. LT understandably yells at the referee to get his ass back in the ring to do his job, but in the background Frank Parker is handing Joe Briggs a chain.
LT looks back a little too early, so he has to feign ignorance for another five seconds before finally being turned around and cold-cocked by Briggs with the chain. Briggs hands Parker back the evidence, as the referee sprints back to the ring to count Falk down for the three count.
Winner in around 4:30 with The Chain of Events, and still retaining his $14.99 bowling trophy, Joe Briggs. * 1/4
Not nearly as good as last week’s match. It wasn’t a terrible story that they told, but there were so many better ones that they could have gone with. And now the only feud worth a damn in SSW is over as soon as it started. Because SSW. At least LT seems to have finally won over some fans, as about half of them are yelling at the ref about how Briggs cheated with a chain.
A disgusted Joe Wheeler interviews the champ, telling him that it took three guys to get the job done. But Joe Briggs don’t need any help. He never needs any help! He is Mr. Southern States Wrestling! Pretty boys like that cannot stand in the ring with him! He’s here to win and to be the man!
Sorry, Ric Flair. You had a good run.
Joe Wheeler turns his attention to Scott Sterling, who next week will wrestle Jake Booth, with Beau James as the special guest referee. Scott doesn’t care who’s officiating the match, he will take care of Jake Booth once and for all!
Ah, we now have some context for the kids wagging their fingers footage that we saw a couple weeks back. Clever foreshadowing by the avant guard producers of this crack wrestling program.
Yeah, right. As if anybody involved in this promotion could afford crack.
Once again, next week, Beau James returns to the ring as the special referee for Jake Booth vs Scott Sterling. Also DeAndre Jackson will be in action. We’ll hear from Southern States Wrestling Champion Kyle Kool. Dakota Booth will twist his notes into a tube for no apparent reason. All that, and much, much more!
Stay classy, Blog of Doom!
Hello again everyone, it’s your old pal zanatude here. You know, some folks like to call me the Duke of Dorchester.
Are you pumped? Are you psyched? Well you should be, because LT Falk and Joe Briggs are in the ring right now, ready to hook em up for the most prestigious bowling trophy in all of wrestling! The Power Half Hour begins NOW!
Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour
June 8th, 2014
Joe Wheeler and Dakota Booth stand in front of the ring where the wrestlers await the start of their match, and the people behind sound about as good as 10 fans can. Joe has wisely taken my advise and ditched the Polo shirt, though he is now only a pith helmet away from heading out for an African Safari.
LT Falk makes his debut, and it’s for the television title! Maybe they are gonna strap the rocket ship onto that funny sounding ass after all! DeAndre Jackson and Misty James are in the house, and The Cripplers are in the ring as well.
Southern States Wrestling TV Bowling Championship: Joe Briggs(c) vs LT Falk
Once again they’ve decided to forgo the announcements. Well, everyone knows who LT Falk is anyway, right? We do start with the traditional SSW armbar, but I can forgive it in this case as the counters are fast and furious. About 30 seconds in LT shoots a half nelson, but the pin doesn’t even get a one count before Briggs kicks out.
Reset to a headlock by Briggs before Falk shoots him into the ropes, and both competitors run these shitty ropes with reckless abandon! Attempted hip toss by Falk is blocked; attempted clothesline by Briggs is ducked, and Falk runs Briggs into the ropes for a rollup that Briggs blocks by holding on (which brings out the dreaded “he created separation” line from Wheeler), and Falk finally wins the stalemate with an armdrag takedown. LT follows up with a decent dropkick, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I hope he holds on to this followup armbar a bit so I can catch my breath!
But Briggs quickly pushes into the ropes, and I think that LT is forcing him to up his game, because he actually hits a decent knee lift. Briggs tries to once again shoot him into the ropes, but LT reverses into a drop toe hold, then quickly applies La Magistral for a one count.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AWESOMENESS DOING ON SSW?? Sadly, it’s like pearls before swine, as the crowd just sits there as bored as ever, proof that these are every bit the wrestling “fans” that the people that used to file into WCW shows at the Disney-MGM Studios were.
Headlock by Falk, but Briggs shoots into the ropes (I don’t know how these guys can run them like they do) and hits a sick looking knee lift. I would think that they replaced Brooks with a decent wrestler, but there’s no way that anybody else agrees to a hairstyle that awful. Double underhook suplex by Briggs gets the first two count of the night. Joe Wheeler can’t decide if it was “maybe a one and a half count” or “barely a two” Regardless, I’m just happy that Falk knows how to properly kick out of a pin.
Hair toss by Briggs sends Falk from one corner to another, as Joe Wheeler puts over LT’s dad Tony Falk as a big deal in the Texas and Tennessee areas during his time. Briggs whips LT into the opposite ropes with such force that he himself also falls down. Stomp on the throat by Briggs, as he makes the top rope sag half way to the ground by pressing down on it.
Once again, Briggs shoots LT into the ropes, but puts his head down too soon, allowing Falk to connect with a sunset flip (that Dakota is unable to call) for his first two count. Determined to eventually get it right, Briggs shoots LT into the ropes again, once again puts his head down too soon, and gets kicked in the head by Falk as a result.
Clothesline by LT. Back elbow by LT. Spinning heel kick by LT, and he finally goes for the pin, but doesn’t hook a leg, allowing Briggs to kick out at two. Briggs tries to recover in the corner, but LT charges in with a clothesline, then nails a running bulldog out of the corner. But once again, he fails to hook the damned leg, no doubt earning himself a whupping from his daddy somewhere down the line, and only gets another two count on Briggs.
Briggs rakes the eyes, shoots LT into the ropes (tenth time’s the charm?), and once again, LT reverses, this time going for a Killswitch of all things (that not even Joe Wheeler can call correctly, saying that both guys are jockeying for backslides) before Briggs escapes and powders out into the two feet of room that he’s afforded outside of the ring. Falk is imploring Briggs to come back to the ring, breaking the count at four, but Joe Briggs is having none of it, waiting out the new count all the way to 10 to intentionally lose the match by countout which, as Dakota helpfully informs us, does not allow LT Falk to win the title.
Winner in about 5:20 by Intentional Countout, LT Falk. Joe Briggs retains his title. **
The first two minutes was really great stuff, and they were on pace for a three star match or even better, but they got a little sloppy in the middle, and of course the finish was the drizzling shits. Still, this match was the Michaels/Undertaker of Southern States Wrestling thusfar.
LT Falk is announced as the winner, but he’s not happy. Dakota heads to ringside to get his thoughts. He’s talking normal now, so I don’t know what the fuck that accent was about last week. He came here to win by pinfall or submission. Countouts aren’t his cup of tea! As he’s saying that the people deserve much better than that, Briggs blindsides Falk and beats him down on the floor until Jake Booth and DeAndre Jackson make the save. Briggs shouts to the “pretty boy” that it ain’t over as the referee forces him away from ringside. While I still hate the finish, I’m willing to accept it as a necessary evil to keep the feud going.
We get a reply of an enraged LT Falk getting beat down after the match by Joe Briggs as we head into the break,
July 5th, Summermotion Festival, Ashland Kentucky. Mick Foley and Jim Cornette will be onhand!
The next TV taping will be held June 20th in this same dump. At least they’re consistent.
Joe Wheeler stands ringside to introduce Misty James, who sadly gets a bigger pop than either of the two wrestlers in the last match ever got. Joe spends about 30 seconds pumping up Misty James, never even bothering to ask her a question. She’s had a rough year, but she’s not giving up! She’s already had three chances to regain her SSW Women’s title, but she wants another one next week, because she hears what Miss Rachael has been saying about her! She’s looking forward to showing Miss Rachael some SOUTHERN manners! But she’s also got to watch her back for Rebecca Lynn! But she’s country strong! She will survive! And that title is coming back to where it belongs!
A passionate promo. It’s too bad that her mouth writes checks that her ass can’t cash.
We cut to footage of an arena match between Misty James and some chick named “Kowgirl Kissy”. How has that name not been copyrighted by WWE? Whatever promotion this is, they get about five times the fans as SSW gets. We don’t get a finish, but we do get a lot of shitty armdrags.
Cut to another match of Misty versus Nicole Starr in Virginia. All we get to see is Starr rushing Misty in the corner, Misty getting out of the way, and nailing the Diva Schoolgirl of Doom for the pin.
Back to ringside with Joe Wheeler and DeAndre Jackson. All the things that Kyle Kool has done, all the people that he’s trained with? Does. Not. Matter. Because Kyle Kool, SSW Champion, is never around when DeAndre Jackson is around! All he needs is one chance! One opportunity, if ya wheel! His bark is worse than his bite, and he’s gonna send Kyle Kool packing. And if ya didn’t know…now you know! I thought that nobody could come up with a worse catchphrase than Eric Darkstorm. You underestimate the SSW wrestlers at your own peril.
We get footage of The Cripplers entering the ring as we head to the break, Scott Sterling’s robe makes him look like the missing Quebecker.
Once again no paid advertisements this week, unless the church is supporting SSW.
The Cripplers vs Shane Royal and Chris Norris
Sadly, they’ve made Shane Royal put on a long t-shirt, so there will be no ass crack this week.
That last match threw me completely off of my rhythm. I hope that the soothing suck of The Cripplers will get us back on track.
Frank Parker starts off with Shawn Royal. Parker backs Royal into a corner, but even Shane Royal is able to block and counter Parker’s one mile per hour punch. It’s only a momentary victory, as Parker returns the favor with the SSW Main Event Style kicks, punches, and stomps that have demoralized potential new talent for many a year. However, it’s the only kind of offense this crowd (“crowd” seems the wrong word here. What’s a better word for a gathering of several of the boss’s acquaintances?) has been exposed to, so it’s the only kind of offense that actually generates a reaction. The people outside of the ring are every bit as bush league as the people inside it.
Tag to Scott Sterling, who differentiates himself from his partner by having hair. Adapting to the situation he’s been put in, Royal counters with seven straight punches to regain the advantage. And the crowd loves it! Royal charges the corner, but a fat-ass version of a superkick puts a stop to that.
Parker tags back in, but Royal is able to put him down with a clothesline. In Southern States Wrestling, time passes with the same gravity as Jupiter, so both men sell the exhaustion of two minutes with what we in the real world might feel after an hour of the same exertion. I say this so that you may appreciate the guts and determination shown by Royal, his ass crack suffocating under his t-shirt, as he makes the diving hot tag to Chris Norris.
In 10 seconds Norris gets in more offense than he showed in all of his last match, hitting Parker with a funky snap mare and elbow drop for a near fall. Parker runs his streak of non-wrestling moves up to eighty-seven before tagging in Sterling, who continues the banal attack. Sterling makes a lateral press, but the referee doesn’t give a shit about going down for the pin for a good three seconds, and Sterling still gets a two count. So this ref gets on my permanent ass-kicking list for not ending this match when he could have.
Sterling goes for a backdrop, but puts his head down too soon, as Norris goes for a sunset flip. Sterling fights it, but Norris’s attempt at fellatio is just enough to get Sterling down for another two count.
An angry Sterling clotheslines Norris back to the mat, after which Sterling performs his trademark “pull my trunks back over my sagging gut” for the tenth time in the match. Perhaps the tenth time is the charm, as he actually hits a good, normal looking vertical suplex. Maybe I’m too hard on The Cripplers…maybe they, along with Joe Wheeler, were once competent sports entertainers who were captured by Beau James, chained in the henhouse, and forced to subsist on a diet of biscuits and gravy between shows? I’d be fat and lazy too if this was the only thing I had to live for over the past several years.
Nah. That’s still not my problem. Fuck you Frank Parker. Fuck you Scott Sterling.
Parker back in there, and he ends his streak of non-wrestling moves at 91 with a bodyslam. He does get the
crowd gaggle of hillbillies riled up, I’ll give him that. Sterling takes in to continue the methodical beatdown, until he sends Norris into the ropes for a clothesline, who ducks and hits a clothesline of his own. It’s hard NOT to duck the clothesline, as it’s literally (literally, I tell you!) the only running move off the ropes that anybody does in this match.
Perhaps Sterling hears the clicking of my typing (remember, time is dense in SSW, so some weird time-warping shit might be going on here), as he attempts a backdrop, but Norris sort of jumps over and hits several double axe handles to the small of Sterling’s back. Stupidly, Norris doesn’t take this opportunity to tag, instead attempting a whip into the ropes of his own, which of course is reversed, and a back elbow smash puts Norris back down.
Sterling returns with more boring offense. Norris tries to punch his way out. Sterling rakes the eyes to stop it. I continue praying for the ghost of Gorilla Monsoon to appear to tell these guys to go home already.
Sterling uses his boat to choke out Norris. Sorry, on further review, he was actually using his BOOT to choke out Norris. Guess I should be watching the match myself instead of relying on Dakota’s commentary to keep me informed. Main event chinlock by Sterling. Good idea; it’s been a blistering pace thusfar, so keep yourselves fresh for the big finish.
Joe Wheeler dares us to let us know what we think about Southern States Wrestling by writing to kingofkingsport.com. I didn’t know that you could write to a domain name. I guess Joe’s henhouse doesn’t have access to WiFi.
Some stuff happens, but none of it matters, as it ends with Sterling applying the chinlock once more.
Norris finally escapes and hits a flying crossbody on Sterling that somehow also knocks the referee down, but the ref recovers in time to make a two count for Norris. Norris ends up laying right in his own freaking corner, but Shawn Royal doesn’t bother leaning over to make the tag, so Sterling drags him back into their corner. Sterling makes the tag to “Mr. Destruction”, a new nickname for Frank Parker that Joe Wheeler has apparently made up on the spot. This boredom MUST continue!
Parker misses a charge into the corner, and for the dozenth time Norris has a chance to make the hot tag, but chooses to punch Parker in the gut instead. I admit, such a large target would be hard to resist. Norris attempts to whip Parker into the ropes, but Parker reverses, muscles Norris up into a fireman’s carry, and hits something that looks like a fireman’s carry gourdbuster. Sterling runs in to cut Royal off from making the save, and Parker gets the three count? No hot tag? Not hot finish? Seven minutes of boring beatdown to finish like that??
Winner in about 9:30 via FU Fans, The Cripplers. -**
Leave it to The Cripplers to bring this night back down to a DUD average.
The Cripplers continue beating on Chris Norris after the bell. Royal tries to make the saved, but gets checked out of the ring, and either legit hurts his knee or does an excellent job selling. This brings Beau James waddling down to ringside to check on Royal…but Parker interrupts his beatdown to motion Beau James to come into the ring…and, after taking off his watch, he is quick (well, relatively quick for a 400 pound bag of lard like James) to oblige.
Beau James hits the ring and HE’S CLUBBERIN’! HE BE CLUBBERIN’, DAKOTA! The master of SSW Main Event Style, Beau goes from corner to corner destroying both members of The Cripplers for thirty seconds, until Joe Briggs enters to blindside Beau from behind. Beau gingerly crumples to the mat, and the three-on-one beatdown continues until Dakota cannot take it anymore, leaving the commentary area to jump in the ring and shield his uncle, but Joe Briggs rips him off and lays into him with some girly style fake punches. If there truly were a God, he would have teleported Brock Lesnar into the ring to show everybody how it’s done. But Jake Booth, the next best thing to God, rushes the ring, and this somehow allows the James family to turn the tide. Beau James retrieves the bullwhip that The Cripplers had stolen from him, and this is enough for them to concede the battle and retreat from the ring.
We’ve about a minute of broadcast time left, so Beau motions for Joe Wheeler to come to ringside. The Cripplers like to play the numbers (game?), but the numbers are evened up! Dakota Booth might not be as big and strong as Chris Von Erich, but he’s a scrappy one! And Jake Booth saved the day! And he’s got his bullwhip, a gift from Dutch Mantell, back in his hands! And the next time that Frank Parker sees it, it will be taking the hide off of his body! And with that, Joe Wheeler signs off without a preview for next week.
Honestly, The Cripplers vs James Family feud is not bad in theory. It’s only that there are some niggling facts that get in the way…like Beau James being unable to bump, The Cripplers being boring as hell, Jake Booth being greener than the mold in the back of my refrigerator, and Dakota Booth being greener than the mold in an abandoned refrigerator somewhere within the heart of the Fukushima nuclear complex.
In all seriousness, the first two minutes of Falk/Briggs were the kind of wrestling that made me a fan in the early 80’s, and a joy to watch. It makes me think that Beau James is actually trying to create an interesting wrestling organization…which makes everything that came afterwards seem all the more pathetic.
Welcome to the longest half hour in professional wrestling. Welcome to the Southern States Wrestling Power Half Hour!
The crowd is stoked this week, as Dakota Booth and Joe Wheeler give us the lowdown on what’s to come. Misty James is on the program and…uh…well, lots of good stuff!
The frentic pace of this show continues, as Rebecca Lynn bursts into the shot, and announces that she wants to get her hands on Misty James right now!
They actually play music this week, as Misty James slowly makes her way out to the ring. These two have supposedly been feuding for the better part of century now, yet Misty is surprisingly lackadaisical getting into the ring, allowing Rebecca to attack while she’s still coming through the ropes.
You can tell that she’s serious because she doesn’t even try for an armbar, laying into Misty in the corner with a series of forearms and stomps. A lack of effort on both parts results in a hiptoss in theory only. As Rebecca wisely returns to stomping, Joe and Dakota are joined on commentary by Southern States Wrestling Women’s Champion Miss Rachael, who proceeds to badmouth both competitors as beneath her, and also such witty repartee as the following:
“I did admire the Pearl Harbor job there, I understand that’s a sore spot in your nation’s history.”
Get Dakota out of there, and the Joe Wheeler/Miss Rachael commentary team would be money!
Snap mare by Rebecca, the worst looking move she’s done in 20 seconds, followed up by rough looking choke. She looks like a beast when she isn’t trying to pick people up. She’s best served by sticking with SSW Main Event Style.
Clothesline by Rebecca, though it appears that Misty hurt herself more trying to bounce off of these ropes. She’ll be pissing blood tonight! A couple of kids try to get Misty James going with a “Let’s Go Misty, Let’s Go!” chant, not in the least bit coached by Beau James to do so.
More chokes and kicks in the corner, as this seems more like a backdrop to let Miss Rachael talk over than an actual match. Misty finally goes on offense, hitting some kicks and forearms in the corner, followed by a half-assed hip toss that looked much better than the eighth-assed hip toss we saw before. SSW style veritcal suplex by Misty, wherein the opponent’s head never ends up more than a foot off the canvas at any time, for a two count.
Snap mare by Misty followed by a kick to the back of the neck. She moves a bit like Daniel Bryan…in the condition that he’s in right now. Rebecca proves she’s smarter than Misty by bouncing off the ropes at literally (literally, I tell you!) 0.0012 miles an hour before being hit by a clothesline. As Miss Rachael explains why she competes in a country that she hates, Rebecca Lynn manages to choke Misty James into the corner. She decides that she likes this choke so much that she doesn’t release it as the referee counts to five, leading to the disqualification.
Winner in around 3:30 via We Don’t Know How To End This Match, Misty James. DUD
Miss Rachael says that, unlike these women, she will always be a clear and decisive winner, because she brings an insurance policy that ensures her victory. This match was made slightly more enjoyable than the rating would suggest thanks to the rantings of Miss Rachael and her interactions with Joe Wheeler. Dakota Booth can kiss my ass for calling Misty James “a countout winner”.
Without a break, Dakota Booth interviews one half of the tag team champions Jake Booth, who has a guy with him that looks like a young RVD. Dakota asks Jake how he feels about his first title defense tonight, but what he really wants to do is introduce his good friend LT Falk, son of legitimate Memphis legend Tony Falk. LT has a really weird voice, kind of a combination of Lanny Poffo and Jack Swagger with the lisp turned up to 11. LT is going to make his SSW debut next week, and he’ll do his very best to make his father proud and the great fans of the SSW proud. Voice issues aside, if they can convince LT to stick around, they could do a lot worse than to strap the rocket ship to this guy’s funny sounding ass. Even little brother Jake seems pissed off at Dakota mispronouncing his name, as he wraps up the segment and throws to commercial.
We come back to highlights of an old match from a few months ago between Kyle Kool and Bulldog Mac. I miss the old shitty facilities, and the Joe Wheeler/Beau James commentary team was much easier on the ears. Kyle Kool eventually wins by reversing a back handspring elbow into a back suplex for the pin (the actually execution was nowhere near as cool as I described it) Bulldog Mac does lots of neat flippy things, and may have gained traction were it not for the fact that nobody besides the James family and The Cripplers ever stick around for more than a month.
So I guess our SSW Heavyweight Champion Kyle Kool appearance was just the tail end of an old match he was once in? Guess Kyle couldn’t iPhone his scheduled promo in on time.
Apparently we’re low on other material as well, as Joe Wheeler introduces a seven minute video package that goes over the issues between The James Family and The Cripplers over the past several months. Might be of interest to those of you just starting to follow SSW, but I’ve seen all of this three or four times already.
Finally we’re back to ringside where Joe Wheeler is set to interview Frank Parker and Scott Sterling. Joe perpetuates a long-standing pet-peeve of mine by asking Sterling to “tell us what’s on your mind” If the announcer is not there to guide and lead the interview, then he’s just dead space and time. Give the mic to the guys and let them tell us what’s on their minds themselves! Sterling is as sick of talking about Beau James as I am sick of hearing Sterling talk about Beau James. They ran off the rest of Beau’s family, now they coming for what’s left. Frank Parker once again hits his talking point about how nobody cares about Beau James, they thought they put him away before, but they’re going to make damned sure of it this time! Literally the same things they guys have said every week for the past several months.
We head to commercial over footage of Frank Parker’s baseball bat attack on the small of the back of Beau James on Christmas night that put him out of action. The same footage that was “too graphic to put on television” for several months shows up as a throwaway commercial lead in. Because SSW.
We do get a commercial for Samson’s (“on the Cornor of 5th & Broad”) this week, so I guess there’s some cash flow coming in.
SSW Tag Team Championship Match: Jake Booth & Ray Idol(c) vs The Death Riders
There’s less than nine minutes of time left, so thank God they’re not giving Jake Booth 15 minutes to fill this week. The guy with the pants is Chic White, the guy starting off in the ring with Ray Idol is Equalizer Krunch, a.k.a. the guy that passed up a chance to be SSW Champion for a meal at the Cracker Barrel. Chicken wing by Idol, that Krunch gets out of by laying on the mat. No, I don’t know how that’s supposed to work either. Ray Idol goes back to the chickenwing, which I suddenly realize is a form of armbar, which I am boycotting. I don’t rate armbars.
A minute later, Krunch has Jake Booth in a headock before tagging out to Chic. Pay attention, girls, that’s how you do a snapmare/kick to the back combo! Actually it’s not, but it was still better than their attempts. Chic goads the idiot Ray Idol into the ring, and Krunch continues the onslaught without the benefit of a tag. Par for the course for SSW officials, he does not care that the illegal man is now on the attack. #pinhimpayme
Krunch works Jake over with the dreaded Armpit Claw. I just tried it on myself, and it doesn’t seem too painful, but it might be a bit ticklish if somebody else does it to you. Dakota prattles on about how unnerving it is that The Cripplers could come out at anytime and try to end his brother’s career…as if those two walruses could sneak up on or outrun anybody. Ray Idol once again runs in allows The Death Riders to double team Jake Booth. Maybe he hates him as much as we do?
As Krunch continues to work Jake over with a headlock, I will follow Joe Wheeler’s lead and stop caring about this match in order to talk about The Cripplers potentially bringing the evil side of Beau James back out again. He’s hasn’t seen Beau use his nunchucks, bullwhip, tasers, and fireballs in a long time, but if anybody can bring that side of him out again, it’s The Cripplers!
But Joe can’t talk forever, so Dakota is forced to acknowledge that Jake might be in a little bit of trouble. Chic destracts the referee so Krunch can work over Jake in the corner with the tag rope, but Jake decides that this is the right moment to hulk up and beat on Krunch, then stalk on over fresh as a daisy to Chic, stealing the award of worst wrestling move of the night from Rebecca Lynn with a frightful looking judo throw into an armbar that gets immediately reversed by Chic. It’s so sloppy and lacking of rhythm that I wonder if we’re watching an actual fight. Botch or shoot? Only Paul Meekin knows for sure.
Eventually the referee breaks this up, then Jake blocks a punch by Krunch. I watched what happened next three times and couldn’t figure out what was happening. It looks like Jake kind of crumpled to the ground, then Krunch laid on top of Jake’s legs, then they just stayed there like that for a few seconds until Jake grabbed the ropes. If you can figure out what happened, don’t bother telling me. I’m just trying to make it through this match with my sanity intact.
After they reset, Jake Booth makes the single most anticlamactic hot tag in professional wrestling history. And this guy teamed with RICKY F’N MORTON! Anybody should learn something about tag team wrestling psychology just breathing the same air as Ricky Morton! The referee could have saved this by conveniently not seeing the tag, but #pinhimpayme.
Regardless, Ray Idol is in the ring now, and he’s an outhouse of fire! Ray wants to set up for the double whips from the corners, but Jake stupidly goes to the wrong corner, so Ray has to drag Krunch to the opposite corner himself. The Death Riders try to throw Jake and Ray into each other, but they reverse, and The Death Rides are the ones to collide head on in the center of the ring. Ray successfully rolls up his guy, but Jake can’t figure out how to do it, so he just falls on top of Chic instead, and both guys make the cover for a three count, because why the fuck not?
Winners in about 5:30 by Double Knogginknocker Double Pin and STILL SSW tag team champions, Jake Booth and Ray Idol. -**
After The Death Riders powder out, Dakota Booth and Joe Wheeler come out for the wrap up. Protip, Joe: lose the loose Polo shirt, or get a sports bra. We don’t need you to tell us that “It’s getting hot in Southern States Wrestling!” when we can visualize it with your sweaty man boobs heaving. It seems like they’re stalling for something as there is still two minutes of broadcast time remaining…and sure enough Misty James is out for a few words. She’s here to WIN! She wants her belt BACK! And sometimes, you gotta fight when you gotta fight! Can’t get much truer than a tautology, Misty. And soon, Miss Rachael…real soon…you’re gonna find out what it’s like to be in the ring with a Southern girl!
Uh oh. I think that Miss Rachael has a shitty hiptoss in her future.
Next week: the SSW debut of LT Falk! DeAndre Jackson and the Desperados continue their hunt for Kyle Kool! C’mon Dakota, spit it out, you can do it! And The Cripplers might be in action! Or they might not! But please try us again next week, because it can’t get any worse than this.
Stay Classy Mountain Empire!