BoD Extreme Rules

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Before the show, we see 26 men walk into the meeting room. Justice Gray escorts Bobby Bayless, who gives a packet of Fun Dip to Jobber at his request. Jobber smirks and walks away. Bobby is looking around as he still believes a Furby-like creature is going to attack him. Gray then sees Brian Bayless along with Rockstar Gary and Average Joe Everyman:

Gray: The GM is in a big meeting with representatives of the Big Man from Saskatoon and 26 writers. 
Brian: Writers? Why do we need writers? Dont tell me that Bobby is trying to greenlight “Grown Ups 3”
Gray: We are having a trustees meeting to decide whether or not to bring in writers for the workers. 
Brian: I never used a writer and they dont need him. This is bullshit. 
Gray: Be as it may, Bobby said he pulled some strings and got you a match tonight. 
Brian: Against who?
Gray: Its in the battle royal to crown the new BoD Writer’s Champion.
Brian: Really, I’m now getting demoted down the card. 
Gray: I dont make the rules, I just enforce them
Brian: That you do, Justice. That you do. So, when will we find out about the writers?
Gray: Next week on BoD RAW
Brian: Can’t wait 

The ex-GM walks away

Vinson is on his way inside when a man in a hoodie whacks his leg from behind with a 5-iron. The camera zooms in and THAT’S SOUP BONE!!!!! HE DONE GOT OUT OF JESSUP!!!!! The valet runs over to her man’s aid as medics check out his leg

Battle Royal For the Vacant BoD Writer’s Championship: 
Brian Bayless vs. Tommy Hall vs. Logan Scisco vs. “Marvelous” Matt Perri vs. “Mr. WCW” Chris F-B

The bell rings as all the other writer’s stare down the former GM. They corner him as he tries to plead then starts fighting them off but is overwhelmed as all the other writer’s pick up Bayless and toss him to the outside, right on top of Average Joe Everyman & Rockstar Gary as Brian Bayless is eliminated. Perri sees an opening and tries to toss Scisco but that fails. Hall, sporting another mystery throwback found in his locker, this time of Tree Rollins, is beating on Chris F-B in the corner. Miss Danielle grabs the leg of Scisco and that allows Perri to knee him from behind as Danielle pulls down the ropes as Logan Scisco is now eliminated. Chris F-B is double-teamed like a rat behind Center Stage, minus the intercourse . of course. Perri now as Danielle hold down the ropes as he charges but Chris F-B steps aside as Perri flies over the top ropes as Matt Perri is now eliminated as he and Miss Danielle are in disbelief. We are down to the final two: Tommy Hall and Chris F-B in a battle of 1996 WCW reviews. One did them in 2012 as the other does them currently. Surely a battle of the past. Tommy has gained more confidence since these throwbacks magically started to appear in his locker. Both men are going back and forth as neither guy can gain the advantage. Tommy has Chris against the ropes but cannot get him over. Chris fights back and hits a Chartbuster as Tommy is out on the mat. Chris F-B picks him up and brings him near the ropes as a fan now has ran in the ring from the crowd. He slaps Chris off of the head then gets chased around and slides outside but as that happens, Tommy gets up and tosses Chris over the ropes as Chris F-B has been eliminated as Tommy Hall is YOUR NEW BoD Writer’s Champion. Hall celebrates as the fan comes closer and removes his hat and apparently fake mustache as he is revealed as……………………………BIFF KENSINGTON III!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Biff slowly claps as Tommy is shocked. Biff then asks for the mic:

“Tommy, I bet you are shocked to see me here. But I have just one thing to say………….you are welcome (goes to Hall and lightly grabs the Tree Rollins throwback). Like I told you all before, Kensington Enterprises is going to collect all of the gold and our newest client will wear the finest throwbacks from the most irrelevant athletes. Tommy, lets take you back to Mitchell & Ness as we need to get you some new threads.”

Its clear that BKIII is on a mission and right now, he is succeeding.

Folks, we regretfully inform that the Fat Otters vs. Marv Cresto & Burt Macklin match will not take place as scheduled when Caliber accidentally burned down his great aunt’s in-law apartment when he forgot to tend to his eggs on the stove and started to rant on the violence in Baltimore on Facebook instead.

We’re backstage with Bill Ray, before the B+ #1 Contender’s final:
“Tonight, I will become the #1 contender to the B+ championship. You know, it’s been a long road for me over the last several months; but I learned that to become the man that I was meant to be, I needed to walk the road alone. And now, here we are, on the eve of my journey’s end. Let me tell you something, Petuka – I don’t care-
Outta nowhere, John Petuka attacks! Chop block to Bill Ray’s knee! Knee crusher on the concrete floor! He picks up Bill Ray’s bat and SMASHES it into the back of Bill Ray’s knee! Bill Ray is on the ground in agony, and Petuka does it again! What a cheap shot! Petuka drops the bat as the referees swarm, satisfied with his handiwork. Now what – that match is supposed to be next! THe camera shows Petuka strolling to the ring, dragging a ref as he has the mic.
“I’m ready to have my match! I read my contract, and it says that if one of the wrestlers doesn’t show up for any reason, that’s a forfeit! But I’m a sporting fellow, so referee, I’ll let you count Bill Ray out instead of forcing him to forfeit like he should; if you’ve got the stones, hobble your way to this ring and let’s get it on! Start counting!”
BoD Solid B+ Player #1 Contender Tournament Finals
Bill Ray vs. John Petuka
Petuka drops the mic and gives a big smile as the ref shrugs. Ring the bell! 1,2, – “Cocaine Blues” by Johnny Cash starts playing! Bill Ray is here! He emerges from the curtain, bat in one hand, shot of whiskey in the other, hobbling his way down the ramp! Petuka grabs the ref “Count faster, idiot!” 4,5 – Bill Ray is almost to the ring! He takes his shot of whiskey but he can barely stand! Not sure if this is courage or stupidity, honestly. 7,8, – Bill Ray is trying to hoist himself into the ring! 9 – he’s in! Petuka’s angry! He starts stomping on the knee. Bill can’t stand, and Petuka is red-faced. He pulls Bill Ray into the center of the ring and goes for the figure-four – small package by Bill Ray! 1,2, NO! So close, Petuka can’t believe it! He goes to the corner as Bill Ray struggles to his feet – dropkick to the knee by Petuka! Bill Ray goes down again! Petuka says that’s it and picks him up – PETUKA BAZOOKA! 1,2,3. John Petuka will face Captain Kiwi later tonight for the B+ title! Bill Ray is rolling around in agony as Petuka poses to loud boos. 
Backstage, Rockstar Gary is relaxing in a chaise lounge. Justice Gray approaches. 
Justice: “What are you doing?”
Gary: “Is that a real question? Putting my feet up! Bill Ray left the whiskey behind, too. Want a shot?”
Justice: “Didn’t Baker say he wanted us back here?”
Gary: “Dude, I’m sick of Baker. I don’t even know what that drill he made us run was, I just know that things are uncomfortable down there, and I’m pretty sure my definition of Greco-Roman is different than his.”
Justice: “That’s probably true. Still, we should probably be training, man. Our BOD re-debut is coming up in less than 3 weeks, and I want to win.” 
Gary: “Me too, I guess. Have you seen Baker today?”
Justice: “Nope.” (He grabs a passing Wade Michael Meltzler) “Hey Wade, you seen Baker?”
Wade: “Last I saw him, he’s was attempting to do a shot for shot stop motion animation remake of the first season of Oz using nothing but Brock Lesnar and John Cena action figures that he had drawn relatively realistic genitalia on with paint markers. He seems to only be concentrating on the rape scenes, though. He claims it’s gonna be the next coming of the Lego movie. Why?”
Justice: “Get him for us.”

Kensington Enterprises is led to the ring by Biff, who’s got the stick. 
“Tonight, we finally put to rest some of Kensington Enterprises most annoying problems in the BOD. And I want to thank each and every one of you for your support! So much so, I need someone from the crowd to come into the ring so I can shower them with gifts from Kensington Enterprises! (He scans the crowd) You! Young man, it’s your lucky night! Come on in the ring!” 
A young guy of about 19 or so nervously comes into the ring. Biff then speaks to him:
“My friend, do we have a deal for you! First things first, the official Kensington Enterprises t-shirt! Pre-shrunk! And the Kensington Enterprises baseball cap! Armbands! Kneepads! The official Kensington Enterprises scarf! The bottle opener! The Curtzerker replica tag title belts! (The HUSS section goes wild), The replica Money on the Table briefcase, with the Hoss seal of approval! The Kensington Enterprises coloring book! And, of course, your very own Biff Kensington autographed 8×10! All of these fine items are currently available on BOD Shopzone, but I’m giving them all to you for free! (The fan’s arms are crammed with all the merchandise. Biff ruffles his hair.) Now let me ask you, my friend; does Biff Kensington rule the BOD? (The fan nods with a huge grin.) Will Kensington Enterprises continue to be the dominant force in wrestling? (Nods.) Is there anything that Biff can’t buy? (Shakes his head no.) Well said! You enjoy those fine items, because Biff delivers! (The fan turns to leave, but Biff stops him.) You know, young man, I’m filthy rich. And let me tell you something…..I didn’t get filthy rich by just giving things away! (He turns to Hoss) Hoss…..he ate your ice cream.”
Kensington drops the mic and hops out of the ring. The fan swallows as Hoss stares at him. “HOSS WANT ICE CREAM!” PANTS-SHITTER to the fan! Curtzerker and Extant laugh hysterically as they strip the fan of all the merchandise and roll him out of the ring. They calm Hoss down as they await the other team.

Kensington Enterprises vs The Brazilian Psycho & Magoonie & Nick Piers & Beard Money
And here we go! Magoonie leads the charge and we’ve got pier-8 brawl! They’re battling all over the place, and it takes a few minutes to start the match proper, but finally we’re ready to go as Beard Money and Extant start us off. Quick chain-wrestling sequence to start, won by Beard Money has he controls off a wristlock. Extant gets back to his feet, shoots him off the ropes, shoulderblock by Beard Money! Money grabs a headlock and works it into his corner, tagging in Piers, who snapmares Extant over and dropkicks him in the upper spine. He gets him up, throwing rights and lefts and backing him into a corner. He whips him to the far corner, but the blind charge meets feet and Piers is down. Extant gets to his corner and tags in Berserker, who’s HUSSing like nobody’s business. Berserker sends Piers off the ropes, biiiig back body drop! First cover, 1, 2, no. Berserker hits the chinlock as Magoonie reaches for the tag. Berserker releases and taunts the corner, drawing in Brazilian; while the referee gets him out, here’s the second half of the tag champs, and the double team. Double side Russian legsweep! Double suplex! Referee turns around to Berserker back to the chinlock. He works it with forearms across the face. Puts him down with stomps, off the ropes, drops the elbow. Again! 1,2, no! Berserker drags him back over to the corner and tags in Williams, who catapults in with a splash. He shoots Piers off the ropes, and ties him up with a drop toehold, and tags in Extant, as the ring has been completely cut in half. Extant goes to the second rope, legdrop! 1,2, Magoonie with the save! The referee escorts him out and it’s a gang beating on Piers in the corner! Extant brings him to the corner and hits a tornado DDT! 1,2, no! Piers is showing some fire. Extant lays in the stomps and heads to the top rope – top rope kneedrop misses! Piers is crawling for the tag as Extant is in pain! Extant makes the tag to Hoss….Piers tags Magoonie! Magoonie in with rights and lefts, but Hoss isn’t moving, Magoonie off the ropes with a lariat that staggers the big man! Another one! A third attempted, but Hoss grabs him and hits a big chop! Hoss gets set up for a powerbomb, but Magoonie takes him over with ‘rana! 1,2, and Berserker breaks up the pin! And here comes Brazilian to take out Berserker, now Williams is in the ring, so is Beard Money! It’s breaking loose in Tulsa! The referee is trying to restore order…..and from all sides of the ring, it’s the Riverdale Covenant! Robert Davis and the Berserker are going at it as Biff runs for his life….right into a waiting Archie Stackhouse! Archie grins as Biff backs away slowly…..right into Hoss! Hoss steps in front of his ice cream benefactor and he and Stackhouse are facing off! The referee is still trying to get some wrestlers back in the ring as Davis and Nebb are teaming up against Curtzerker on the outside, and crowd goes insane as Archie and Hoss eye each other! Big right by Hoss! Archie smiles; big right by Archie! Hoss smiles! And now they’re going at it down the aisle! Biff is following, screaming at Hoss to kill Stackhouse…..meanwhile in the ring, Extant and Piers are alone as the rest of the match has spilled all over the floor! Piers comes off the ropes with a running enzugiri! Thrust kicks! He’s setting up for his finisher…..Extant sweeps the leg! Piers looks like he landed hard on his head, Extant goes up for a moonsault press! 1,2,3! Kensington Enterprises wins! The entire ringside area has been completely destroyed as Stackhouse and Hoss have disappeared into the back and most of The Riverdale Covenant and Kensington Enterprises are down. It seems that the war has only just begun! 
Biscuit is in the ring as he awaits which member of Camp Cleveland he will face tonight. Here comes Camp Cleveland as they are riding to the ring in Biscuit’s Regal!!!!! Those Clevelanders hotwired the car, a typical trait from C-Town. Biscuit runs out of the ring and starts attacking all three members of Camp Cleveland but gets quickly overwhelmed. WWF1987 starts stomping away as White Thunder steps in and puts him in the Cleveland Four as Mikey pulls out a switchblade and starts ripping up the interior. WAIT A MINUTE, another car comes down the aisle and its the Chrysler Lebaron as Strike Force is in the house!!!!!! Caffeine enthusiast Mar Solo pushes the car down the ring by himself as Matt Indeed successfully takes off his windbreaker as the duo then starts a leaping high-five before running down to make the save. Thunder runs off with some hubcaps and Mikey Mike has the distributor cap as Strike Force helps Biscuit to his feet. Biscuit looks at his damaged car and is enraged but Strike Force give him a ride and he accepts as they drive off, with Biscuit not engaging the fist pumping and hi-fiving. The match is ruled a no contest. 
And now clips of Kaptain Kiwi’s all-important Anchor Cheese photo shoot as we see Johnny and Tony Garea on the side talking business. Big stuff, folks. 
BOD Solid B+ Championship match:
Kaptain Kiwi vs John Petuka
Petuka enters the ring, ready for his title shot! Trumpets blare, and Kiwi heads to the ring, tossing Anchor Cheese to the fans as he points to his ‘I did it all for the Garea’ shirt. Available at BOD Shopzone! The referee checks both wrestlers – he finds a pair of brass knucks in Petuka’s tights and warns him! He finds a package of Anchor Cheese in Kiwi’s tights and thanks him! The ref loves the cheese!Bell rings, and we’re underway! Lockup, and Petuka grabs a headlock. Kiwi shoots him off, leapfrog over a charging Petuka, drop toehold by Kiwi! Petuka quickly gets out of it and slaps the mat, they circle and lock up again. Petuka goes to the eyes and throws an uppercut, putting Kiwi down, stomps by Petuka. He gets Kiwi to his feet, Irish whip, lariat by Petuka! He backs Kiwi into the corner, cross-corner whip, splash into the turnbuckles! 1,2, no! Petuka hits a quick legdrop and looks for the Bazooka already…..but Kiwi slips out and hits a kick to Petuka’s chest! Another! Petuka is stunned….flatliner by Kiwi! He slaps on a chinlock and Petuka throws elbows to get out. Back to a standing position, Irish whip by Kiwi, reversed by Petuka, heel kick by Petuka! Kiwi is down, Petuka goes to the top rope…..elbow! 1,2, no! Petuka is frustrated but trying to hold it together. He picks Kiwi up, Kiwi with the go-behind….german suplex! He rolls over into another! A third with a bridge! 1,2, NO! Kiwi goes over and Petuka goes to the eyes again! What a cheap shot! Kiwi stumbles around, dropkick by Petuka! Petuka says it’s over and signals for the Petuka Bazooka! Setting up for it, but Kiwi reverses and hits a kneedrop to the back of Petuka that sends him to the floor! Petuka gets to his feet slowly as the referee is checking on Kiwi…..wait…..from the crowd, it kbjone! From behind, he attacks Petuka! Piledriver on the floor! Petuka is OUT! kbjone quickly scurries under the ring as the referee comes over, having seen nothing! Kiwi rolls Petuka back into the ring and puts on the Garea stretch! Arm drops once, twice, thrice! Kiwi retains! And kbjone emerges from underneath the ring, heading back out through the crowd, a very satisfied smile on his face. Kiwi celebrates in the ring by having some cheese!
We’re in a White Castle somewhere in Parts Unknown. The Job Mob pulls up to the front door, opening their doors in a cloud of smoke. Zanatude is proudly carrying the six-man titles as they burst open the doors of the White Castle. 
Zanatude: “As expected, our opponents were truly terrified to even find the White Castle of Fear! Therefore, I declare that we are the winners of the White Castle of Fear match, and we’re going to celebrate with some delicious White Castles!”
Chatrock: “I dunno, White Castles again, man? I’m pretty sure that Murph has either had way too many of those things, or he’s pregnant, ’cause look at that gut, man.”
Murph: (Hitting a homemade bong made out of a Pepsi bottle) “Naw, I can eat. I want chicken rings, though.”
Zanatude: “We have proven once again that the Job Mob will reign over the BOD six-man championships because we’ve got it going on and stuff. Pass that thing, will you?” (He takes a hit and walks up to the counter.) “Chicken rings and a crave case, and if you’re holding, maybe a dime bag?”
The clerk looks up and smiles! It’s KYLE WARNE! He hops over the counter as Cabspaintedyellow emerges from the restroom and the fry cook takes off his paper hat and reveals himself as Adam Curry! The lone customer in a booth takes off his jacket to reveal his referee shirt! The White Castle of Fear match as BEGUN! 
White Castle of Fear Match for the 6-Man titles: 
The Job Mob vs Adam Curry & Cabspaintedyellow & Kyle Warne
They’re brawling all over the White Castle! Warne and Zanatude fall back over the counter brawling as Murph drops the bong and hooks up with Adam Curry, while Cabs and Chatrock are all over the aisles! This is an escape the White Castle match – the first team to get all 3 members out the door wins. Curry sends Murph headfirst into a booth top which was last cleaned in 2011, while Chatrock smashes a napkin dispenser into Cabspaintedyellow’s head, putting him down on the floor. Meanwhile, Zanatude and Warne are trading blows in the kitchen, Warne with a clothesline and Zanatude falls into the mop bucket! Warne grabs the bucket and sends him head first towards the deep fryer! Chatrock and Murph are double-teaming Adam Curry, suplexing him on the tiled floor! Murph is breathing heavy and having trouble getting back to his feet….and Cabs comes off the next booth with a flying clothesline on Chatrock! Zanatude has recovered in the kitchen and opens the refrigerator, finding trays of frozen White Castle patties – shot to the face of Kyle Warne! Patties are everywhere, and Zana tosses them like throwing stars at Cabs, nailing him between the eyes! Murph has struggled to his feet, but he’s so stoned, he thinks that Zanatude is trying to feed them! He yells over to Zana and opens his mouth like a baby seal at a zoo; Zanatude stops and looks at him, dumbfounded, as Warne attacks from behind! Warne sends him to the freezer door! He dumps a rack of trays on top of him, and Warne has TURNED ON THE STOVETOP! Sets Zanatude on the prep station, gets in position, headshot to Zanatude with the cutting board! Zanatude wobbles…..Warne with the superkick! Zanatude hits the stovetop! Oh, the humanity! Zanatude screams in pain as his flesh is seared with onions! Warne hops the counter and now it’s 3 on 2 as Chatrock is begging off….Murph from behind! He takes out Cabs as Warne gets a DDT on Chatrock on the tile floor to send him to dreamland! Murph grabs Warne and looks for a brainbuster, but here’s Adam Curry with a spear! Curry gets Cabs to his feet, and the three of them head for the door…..but Zanatude is up! Grilled, but up! He roars and dives off the counter….but Warne was sandbagging a bag of frozen chicken rings from the kitchen! Shot to the head of Zanatude and he goes down! Cabs motions to the others, and they grab the 6-man belts….and they walk out the front door! We have NEW 6-MAN CHAMPIONS! 
Night & X-Man vs. Dancin’ Devin Harris & FunkDoc1112

HA HA HA HA HA, WE GITTIN’ FUN-KAY IN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Night & X-Man are not impressed by dancin’. Match stars with DA DDH GITTIN’ XTRA FUN-KAY WITH A SLICE OF WATERMELON to taunt Night, who is pissed. He charges but misses then DDH puts the watermelon in his face as Ngiht spits it out. DDH then catches him with a slam. X-Man comes in and he is slammed too as both man regroup. FunkDoc tags and he flies outside with a somersault plancha to take out both guys. Back inside, FunkDoc takes control until X-Man kicks him from the apron. Night tags X-Man in as they both take turns destroying FunkDoc. DDH rallies behind is partner from the apron as X-Man hits a running powerslam for two. Night tags in then FunkDoc rolls away and comes back with a dropkick as both men are down. Night is up first and tags but FunkDoc also tags as the DDH GITS FUN-KAY OFF OF THE HOT TAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He runs through the opposition until Night drags him outside. X-Man follows out and they beat on the DDH until FunkDoc comes out to even the score but in the process the referee counts to ten as this match is ruled as a double countout. 
The Fuj vs. Hart Killer 09

Hart Killer tries to attack from behind but misses a corner charge as Fuj gets two with a quick rollup then puts on a headlock as the veteran always knows his way around the ring. Fuj uses some matwork to ground Hart Killer, who eventually reaches the ropes then ducks outside. He re-enters and locks up with Fuj. Hart Killer tries a cheapshot but that fails as Fuj takes him down with an armbar then switches to the leg as he grapevines that for a bit. Fuj softens up the leg but Hart Killer gets the ropes. Fuj picks up Hart Killer, who shoves the ref in-between them and ducks down to hit Fuj low without the referee looking as he finally gets in some offense. Hart Killer hits a backbreaker then puts Fuj in a surfboard. The crowd rallies behind the Fuj, who is now getting choked out from behind. Hart Killer sends Fuj to the corner but misses a splash. Hart Killer gets up first and drops an elbow. He heads up top for another elbow and hits that but only gets two. Hart Killer yells at the ref and says he is not in his top 700 list of referees. Hart Killer heads up top but Fuj gets up and meets him. They brawl for a bit but Hart Killer brushes him off. He then tries a flying clothesline but the Fuj twists his arm in midair to take him down then flips around and puts Hart Killer in the ankle lock!!!!!!! He screams for a minute but then has no other choice but to tap as the Fuj is victorious. After issuing his challenge, who will be able to beat the Fuj?
A video recap of Cultstatus and Abeyance airs, set to “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay – it features extreme closeups of all the ballshots from BODMania, and is labled at the end as ‘A film by Abeyance’. 
And here’s Abeyance, played down to the ring by….”Mama said knock you out” by LL Cool J. That Abeyance, so cutting edge. Cultstatus is out next, but his entrance music, “I Predict a Riot” by the Kaiser Chiefs, is cut off by Abeyance. 
Abeyance: “Cult, I gotta tell you man, I don’t think I need to prove to you again that I’m the better man. How about you just walk away and we don’t do this, huh?” 
In response, Cult grins and shows off his taped fists, on which are written “Abeyance’s face here.” Abeyance gulps. 
3 Stages of BOD Match to determine the #1 Contender to the BOD Title:
Cultstatus vs Abeyance
Stage 1 – The Dock Muraco ****1/4 star match
Dock Muraco enters in Nakamura’s outfit from Wrestle Kingdom 9, on loan, of course. He sits in a red velvet throne with cards that he’ll hold up to determine the match rating. The match cannot end until it hits at least 4 1/4 stars. And here we go!
Cult goes right after Abeyance, who ducks into the ropes. The ref backs him off, and Abeyance cautiously comes out….and Cult superkicks him into next week! 1,2,3! Let’s go to Dock: “*” is the sign, so we have to keep going! Cult shrugs and picks Abeyance up as the latter attempts to regain his bearings, Cult off the ropes with a huge lariat! Cult poses and points at Muraco, goes back over to Abeyance, picks him up again, but this time, Abeyance fires a right at Cult, who snaps his head back….and smiles. Uh-Oh. Abeyance hops out of the ring and Cult gives chase around the ring, Abeyance back in, putting the boots to Cult as he re-enters the ring, barely fazing Cult. Abeyance goes for a waistlock, but Cult counters into an overhead cravat, cranking down while Abeyance attempts to use his leg-strength to flip Cult over, but no dice. Abeyance manages to get back to his feet as Cult attempts to hold him down and he kicks Cult in the knee. Cult staggers for a moment, and Abeyance seizes on it with another kick to the knee. Off the ropes, Abeyance with a Shining Wizard to Cult’s face! 1,2, no! Abeyance goes back to work on the knee, dragging Cult to the corner and wrapping his leg around the post. Dock Muraco appreciates this violence and psychology, and holds up the ‘**’ sign. Abeyance looks to continue working the knee with stomps, and he looks to put on a Benoit-bridging stepover toehold, but Cult uses his strength advantage to power out of it, albeit with his knee looking like it’s been tweaked. Abeyance grabs a headlock and looks to work it, but Cult gets him up for a belly-to-back suplex! Abeyance looks stunned and seems to be favoring his shoulder, Cult gets to his feet trying to shake off the leg, Abeyance comes at him with a dropkick…..that Cult sidesteps. And now Abeyance is really favoring the shoulder. Cult circles and continues to walk off the knee injury, stopping behind Abeyance and dropping elbows into the injured shoulder! He stretches him out and drops the good knee on the shoulder and wraps it up in a keylock. Abeyance tries to maneuver out of it with some chain wrestling, but Cult rolls through into a crossface! Abeyance is in agonizing pain….and he taps! Cult looks up to Muraco, who holds two fingers together in a ‘this close’ gesture and holds up the ‘*** 1/4’ sign. One star to go! Cult seems to have walked off most of the knee injury and he sets Abeyance in a sitting position, and kicks him straight in the face, stiff as shit! Muraco squeals with delight! Cult drops an elbow and another in quick succession, and heads to the top rope. Cult with the MOONSAULT? Abeyance moves! He goes for the quick rollup, but the shoulder’s gone and Cult gets out at 1. Both wrestlers are down and they get to their knees! Slap by Abeyance! Slap by Cult! BITCHFIGHT! Muraco loves it! Chop by Cult! Chop by Abeyance! They’re nose to nose chopping each other in the chest! ‘****’ is held up by Muraco, and we’re close! Cult wins the chopping battle, both are red in the chest, he sends Abeyance into the corner. Cult charges, Abeyance moves! Backstabber by Abeyance! He didn’t get all of it, the shoulder is still bothering him. 1,2, no! Abeyance slams the mat in frustration. He pulls off his elbow pad on the good arm, and he’s setting up for the ‘Welcome to the BOD’ roaring elbow! “You’re done, Cult! It’s Abeyance’s time now!” Irish whip and here comes the elbow, but Cult ducks underneath and wraps him up in a crucifix! 1,2, NO! My god! Abeyance almost lost it there, and he knows it. He pops the shoulder back into place and goes over the Cult, but Cult was goldbricking! Shot to the gut by Cult…..spinning sitout Liger Bomb! 1,2,3! And we look to Muraco….. ‘****1/2’ ! The first fall goes to Cultstatus!
Stage 2 – Perri’s Put-Down Conditions
And here comes the former Writer’s Champion with Danielle! There’s a microphone on a stand by ringside and Perri is ready to use it. “****1/2 stars, Muraco? I shit better matches than that. Ooooh, stiff shots, how original. This match sucks! Cultstatus, you suck; you’re nothing more than an old man who’s time has passed, and Abeyance, you’re the most annoying little shit on the blog. The less time I have to watch this crap, the better. Ring the bell!”
And with that, the bell rings and stage 2 is underway! Cult and Abeyance slowly make their way back to their feet. Perri: “Man, this fast pace is making Show and Kane look like Super Calo wannabees. Yeah, I know luchadors, I know more than all of you, and because of that, I can tell you this match blows.” Abeyance is still groggy and Cult looks to make him pay, raining rights and lefts and backing Abeyance into a corner. Perri: “Hey Cult, it’s a wrestling match, watch those fists! God, you suck.” Cult backs up and sends a shoulder to the gut of Abeyance. Another! He sets Abeyance up on the top rope. Perri: “Jesus, man. This abortion is worse than the one I wish my mother had so I wouldn’t be subjected to watching this train wreck right now. Right, Danielle? (Danielle nods her head vigorously)”Abeyance stirs to life as Cult sets up for the superplex and fires headbutts at Cult’s head, and we’ve got our first blood as Cult falls off, a trickle of blood coming off his forehead. Perri: “Finally found a use for your head, huh Abeyance? Well, since you clearly never learned to wrestle, that brain wasn’t doing much anyway.” Abeyance gets to his feet on the top rope, frog splash to Cult! 1,2, NO! Perri sighs loudly on the microphone. Abeyance staggers back to his feet, drapes Cult off the ropes, and hits a running dropkick in the corner! Perri: “I’m so fucking bored, I’m going to list all the things I’d rather be doing than watching this match. #1 – Reviewing Raw. #2 – Treating the pus-filled corns on my mother-in-law’s feet. #3 – Reviewing Raw again even though we all know it sucks. #4 – A drunken doctor giving me a prostate exam. #5…” He keeps going as Abeyance has gained the upper hand in the ring, and hits a Fisherman’s Buster suplex for a 2 count. He gets set up for the brainbuster. Perri: “Man, with all that blood rushing to his head, Cult may have an actual thought. Probably make that damn melon explode all over the ring. That would be a merciful end to this travesty of sucktitude.” Abeyance hits the brainbuster! 1,2, no! Abeyance is frustrated, to be sure. He decides to change tactics and looks to go back to the knee with a dragon-screw legwhip. Perri: “Oh, sure, NOW he remembers that he was on the leg earlier. Good God, what did I do to deserve this crap? I promise that I will find at least one good thing with Raw every week if this match would just END.”Abeyance rolls the leg with a spinning toehold and stomps the back of the knee, and Cult is feeling it again. Perri: “Attaboy, Abeyance! You still suck.” Cult is REALLY feeling the pain in the knee now as Abeyance has switched to a Cloverleaf, but he’s trying to power out of it! The crowd claps along as Cult is straining. Perri: “You idiots, stop cheering him! I need him to quit so I can finally stop watching this nonsense and go get a burrito.” Cult powers out of the hold! Perri: “Damnit, Cult!” Abeyance gets back to his feet and looks to go back to his knee, but Cult grabs him for a small package! 1,2, no! Perri: “You didn’t wrap up the leg, Cult! God, you suck!” Abeyance stomps on Cult and goes to the top rope, looking for the big knee drop….hits it! 1,2, no! Cultstatus will not DIE! Perri: “That was a nice move…..or it would have been had I done it properly. Also, had I done it, it would have gotten a pin. Abeyance, you suck.”
Abeyance gets Cult back to his feet, albeit on one leg, and he comes off the ropes with a chop block! Cult’s knee is GONE, and Abeyance wraps him up with a stretch muffler…..and Cult taps! Perri: “THANK GOD. You both suck and can kiss my ass. I’m gonna get my check and go to Golden Corral for some Chocolate Fountain. Come on, Danielle!”
Stage 3 – Tommy Hall E-Book in a Cell match – Special Guest Referee, Jef Vinson
Jef Vinson and his valet come to the ring, BOD Heavyweight title in tow. Vinson has a slight limp in his walk. He hands the title to his valet and puts on his referee shirt as the cage is lowered. Hard copies of Tommy Hall’s e-books are hanging from various points in the Cell – rumor has it that the printing actually cost more than the books made him in profit. The cut on Cultstatus’s head has opened up and he’s got a more than a trickle of blood on his face, and he can barely stand. Vinson grins and calls for the bell. 
Abeyance charges….and Cult LEVELS him with the collected Tommy Hall review of Monday Nitro! He pulled it down when no one was looking, and Abeyance is busted wide open! Both wrestlers are down and Vinson is no longer grinning. “Get up, Abeyance!” Cult makes his way to his feet and stalks Abeyance, who’s bleeding like a stuck pig now. Cult corners Abeyance, still barely able to put any weight on his knee, but Abeyance is barely moving. Cult suplexes Abeyance and goes to the second rope with Tommy Hall’s collected WCW Thunder reviews under his arm – he drops it on Abeyance’s head! Abeyance is woozy still and Cult goes for the cover. 1,2, no! A little slow on that count, Mr. Vinson, who shrugs and winks at his valet on the outside of the ring. Cult picks Abeyance up….DDT! 1,2, no! AGAIN with the slow count. Cult sighs and gets in Vinson’s face – Vinson points at his referee shirt. “Remember who’s in charge, Cult!” Cult isn’t backing down, and they’re nose to nose – but here’s Abeyance from behind! Collected reviews of WCW PPVs to the back of Cult’s head! Cult goes down and Abeyance shoots the half, 1,2, no! Vinson found a quicker cadence that time. Abeyance staggers to his feet, blood running off his face and onto his chest, and he grabs the collected NXT reviews and DROPS it on Cult’s head! It’s official – that cut is completely open, and we’ve got ourselves a double-gusher! Abeyance and Vinson high-five, and then Abeyance points to the other side of the arena – what’s he pointing at? Vinson looks, and Abeyance kicks a field goal on Cult’s nuts while Vinson is ‘distracted’. Abeyance throws back his head and laughs, and taps Vinson on the shoulder, pointing at Cult and laughing. He mimes a kick to the nutsack and Vinson laughs too. Abeyance drops to one knee and goes for the cover. 1, NO! Cult kicks out with authority! Cult slowly makes his way to his feet as Abeyance freaks out! Cult is HULKING UP! Shot after shot from Abeyance failing to find their mark as Cult just smiles through his bloody face and advances on Abeyance in the corner. Vinson goes over to his valet – he’s got the purse! What’s in that thing? Cultstatus is wailing on Abeyance in the corner and here comes Vinson to back him away…..he handed off the purse to Abeyance! Vinson and Cult are still arguing and here’s Abeyance from behind…..Cultstatus ducks! Purse hits Vinson FULL IN THE FACE! He goes down like a shot! Abeyance can’t believe what he’s done, and now he knows that’s he’s on his own as Cult taps him on the shoulder, sick grin on his face…..”WELCOME TO THE BOD!” he screams in Abeyance’s face! Drops to one knee – GIANT BALLSHOT ON ABEYANCE! He hoists him up…..BURNING HAMMER! Abeyance may be legally deceased! He grabs Vinson, makes the cover, and moves Vinson’s hand up and down. 1…2…3!! IT’S ALL OVER! CULTSTATUS IS YOUR NEW #1 CONTENDER FOR THE BOD WORLD TITLE!! Blood stains the mat as the fans chant for Cult! Abeyance is out, as is Vinson, and here comes the stretcher for Abeyance! Cultstatus made his statement and got his revenge! What a match!
And now, it is time for the “Happening” Harry Broadhurst “Not Doing the Job” Challenge. Here is Harry with a few inspirational words:
“Harry Fact #222, it doesnt matter who accepts this challenge because Harry Fact #1 is…………….HARRY NEVER DOES THE JOB!!!!!!!”

Harry awaits a challenger and out comes none other than Dean Andrews, a man hired to fulfill an ethnic quota. 

Dean Andrews vs. “Happening” Harry Broadhurst

Andrews goes after Broadhust, who ducks outside. Harry continues to stall as we are shown footage backstage of the big improtant meeting ending, with Bobby Bayless coming out in his Umbro shorts as he plays with his paddle that has a ball tied to a string, singing “Baby, You a Rich Man” by the Fat Boys as part of the motion picture soundtrack to “Disorderlies.” Back to the match as Harry orders the referee to check the boots of Andrews and when he does Harry boots him down then rolls him up while holding the tights for the win!!!! Harry then ducks outside and grabs the mic while screaming “HARRY FACT NUMBER ONE: HARRY……………NEVER……………..DOES…………..THE…………..JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

BoD Heavyweight Championship Match
Jobber123 vs. Jef Vinson (Champion)

The door to the cage is locked as this match. The match can be won only by escaping the cage. Jobber, fresh off of a Santa Cruz Warriors win over the Fort Wayne Mad Ants today, looks to get his title back. Vinson is hobbled after getting accidentally knocked out earlier tonight. Jobber spears Vinson down to start and pummels away, much like Darington Hobson did in the paint today for the Santa Cruz Warriors. Vinson gets tossed into the cage as Jobber opens up the gash on his forehead as the champ is bleeding buckets. Jobber takes out his souvenir James Michael McAdoo bobblehead and digs it into Vinson’s head. This is just a bloodbath, folks. Jobber picks up Vinson for a powerslam then rams him into the cage repeatedly. My god, this is a massacre. Jobber knees Vinson in the face repeatedly then stops only to drop an elbow. The mat is bloodstained as Jobber now climbs up but stops and walks over to the turnbuckle. He leaps off the top for a leg drop but Vinson musters up all the strength he has and rolls out of the way. Both men are down as Vinson is trying to pick himself up. Jobber gets up first then darts over and boots Vinson in the ribs. Jobber collects himself and tries that again but Vinson clotheslines Jobber’s leg. Both guys are down again. They get up and this time Vinson blocks a punch and hammers away. Vinson is now in control as he is using everything he has to attack Jobber. He rams Jobber into the cage and then grinds his head into it like he is grating cheese. Vinson tosses Jobber into the corner and starts throwing haymakers. The BoD JumboTron 100 is now showing random GIF’s in support of the champ. Backstage, the camera cuts to GM Bobby Bayless, who is eating Dunkaroos and drinking Five Alive while he watches the classic film starring the Fat Boys, “Disorderlies.” Back to the match as both guys are trading chops as the crowd goes nuts. Jobber tries an Irish whip but it gets reversed as he flies into the cage. Vinson charges but Jobber sidesteps him and pushes Vinson into the cage. Jobber then picks up Vinson and yells at the ref, who is standing outside of the ring so he can see whose feet hits the ground first. The ref but while that happens, a man in a hooded sweatshirt runs out. Jobber slams Vinson down as the hooded man creeps up behind the referee. Jobber smiles as the man reveals his hood then the smile turns to outrage as the man behind the hood is revealed as…………………………………PARALLAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jobber yells “What did you do to Soup Bone!!!!!” Parallax looks straight ahead as Vinson gets up and knocks Jobber down. Vinson sets for the TKO but Jobber escapes the tries the Razor’s Edge but Vinson gets out of that. Jobber boots Vinson in the gut then hits a snap suplex but in midair, Vinson twist himself around and lands on his feet then immediately hits a snap suplex of his own as both men are down as the crowd goes nuts. Wade Michael Meltzer holds up a ***** sign while Dock Muraco just woke up from a nap at ringside, meaning this match has reached the ****1/2 mark. Parallax stands outside as the keeper of the cage of sorts as both men make it to their feet. They start climbing the cage then start brawling halfway to the top. These two are sporting crimson masks at this point yet continue to climb while beating on each other. They are at the top of the cage as Jobber kicks Vinson in the shins to stop his momentum as he swings his other leg over the cage. Jobber looks to climb over and get to the floor but Vinson grabs his other leg . Vinson will not let go as he attempts to yank Jobber back over and does as he has him over his shoulders and seems to be going for a TKO OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He tries but Jobber blocks the move temporarily buy grabbing on to the side of the cage. BoD stars are now heading out on the ramp to watch as they are witnessing a classic. Jobber swings himself over and is now brawling with Vinson at the top corner of the cage. Vinson throws an uppercut that staggers Jobber but loses his footing as they both are in danger of falling down. Vinson, who has been dealt with another obstacle tonight will have to overcome it in order to retain the belt. Both guys now hold themselves up and try to climb out to the floor. Jobber then pulls out something from his trunks as the camera zooms in and its one of the Fun Dip packets that he swiped from the GM. He opens it up then throws the sugary crap into the eyes of Vinson. Jobber seizes the opportunity and swings over the other side of the cage as he smiles, knowing the title is just 30 feet down from him. Jobber begins climbing down the cage as Vinson is half-blinded. Jobber is almost halfway down but Vinson is now over the top. Jobber is almost there as Vinson wipes the purple powder from his eyes and sees Jobber almost near the floor. Jobber is just several feet away as Vinson scurries down and leaps…………………………he dives straight down and pushes off of Jobber’s shoudlers and flips himself over and lands on his feet!!!!!!!!!!!!! VINSON DID IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE OVERCAME THE ODDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jobber is outraged and its not over the backcourt play from the Santa Cruz Warriors either. Parallax stares down Jobber, who stares him down again. Vinson grabs his belt from his valet and raises it in the air. The crowd is buzzing as Wade Michael Meltzer holds up a ***** sign. Dock Muraco disagrees but was awake. Vinson nods over at Parallax, who looks at him then backs away as he heads through the crowd. Folks, we are out of time.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO BoD RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The SmarK Rant for WWE Extreme Rules 2015

The SmarK Rant for WWE Extreme Rules 2015 Live from Chicago, IL Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL To say there’s no buzz about this show would be a gross understatement. Chicago Street Fight: Dean Ambrose v. Luke Harper They brawl outside immediately and Dean hits him with a dive, although Cole clarifies that you have to pin your opponent inside the ring. So even in a no-rules street fight, there is in fact SOME rules. I mean, you wouldn’t want anarchy. Ambrose grabs a kendo stick and beats on Harper with that, but he gets suplexed onto an open chair in a spot that probably isn’t good for the longevity of his back. Harper beats on him with the kendo stick and drops him on another chair in the corner for two. Ambrose comes back with a slam onto the chair and a tornado DDT, and the crowd wants tables. Please, it’s not the properly approved PPV for tables yet. You might as well chant for stairs while you’re at it. Ambrose with the flying clothesline for two, but Harper counters the lariat with a big boot and they end up on the floor again. Ambrose chases him to the entrance with a kendo stick and we travel into the locker room and backstage area. Harper jumps into someone’s car and steals it, and Ambrose dives in after him as the match is apparently on hiatus at 8:30 or so. Apparently car theft laws are also suspended under the Extreme Rules banner. Nothing really to the match. ** Meanwhile, Seth Rollins continues to squabble with Kane in a segment that feels like it’s 10 minutes long. Kiss Me Arse match: Sheamus v. Dolph Ziggler Yes, they actually paid people to come up with this match stipulation. Ziggler really builds that heat here by making fun of Sheamus and his Mohawk on Twitter. Greg Valentine v. Wahoo McDaniel it ain’t. I will say, Sheamus’s new music is BADASS. I will also say that I will not be using the hashtag “KissMeArse” to discuss this match on social media. Ziggler slugs away in the corner and they head to the floor right away, but Sheamus beats on him while Jerry Lawler wonders if either guy has washed their ass in preparation for the match. Well, JBL would be the expert on THAT. Back in, Sheamus goes to a chinlock and then blocks the fameasser with a powerbomb for two. Sheamus puts him down with a pair of short-arm clotheslines and goes back to the chinlock while deriding short people. Just to be clear here, in WWE-land Ziggler is NOT tall? Because that seems weird. Ziggler slugs out, giving us our first “creating separation” of the night, but Sheamus pounds him down again and hooks the Cloverleaf. Ziggler gets a nice counter into a rollup for two and a superkick gets two. Sheamus gets the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker (which Cole is now calling the Irish Curse, something like the third or fourth move to get that name) and goes for the Brogue Kick, but Ziggler counters into a rollup for two, and a small package finishes at 9:25. This was fine, didn’t really go anywhere though and lacked a big heat sequence or climax. The crowd was shockingly into the stupid stip, however. **1/2 Seems really early to blow off the heat on Sheamus, but that’s the WWE midcard in 2015 for you. And as usual they renege on the stip, as Sheamus lays out Dolph with a low blow and Brogue Kicks him instead, then shoves Dolph’s face into his ass. This week on the WWE Network, a bunch of crappy shows that no human being would possibly want to watch. Like really, a retrospective about Mayweather v. Big Show? Gee, I wonder why they’re suddenly reminiscing about that match? I thought PPV was dead! Although apparently King of the Ring is coming back, so there’s that. WWE tag titles: Cesaro & Tyson Kidd v. The New Day The Brass Ring Club are the clear babyfaces here. Tyson controls Kofi and gets a backslide for two, and Cesaro comes in for a slam on Big E and a double stomp for two. They fight to the floor with Tyson getting a nice somersault dive on Kofi, but the New Day double-teams him to take over. Kofi with a dropkick for two as the crowd is unsure what to chant for the champions. Big E misses a charge and lands on the floor, it’s hot tag Cesaro. He throws uppercuts on Kofi in the corner and gets a clothesline for two, but tries the Giant Swing and Kofi escapes to the top rope. Cesaro suplexes him and Kidd drops the elbow for two. Big E comes back in with the spear off the apron and it’s BONZO GONZO, but Kidd blocks Kofi’s wacky kick and hooks the Sharpshooter. Big E breaks it up with a suplex on Kidd, but Cesaro cleans up and gets the Giant Swing on Kofi. Cesaro gets distracted with Woods, however, and Kofi rolls him up for the pin and the titles at 9:40. Good double-team stuff here, but the finish was pretty bad. Still, Kidd and Cesaro are on another level of awesome right now. So of course they jobbed. ***1/2 I feel like we’re through the looking glass now, in an era where they talk about how the promotion is all about entertaining the fans and then they push guys who are defined by how much people hate watching them. Meanwhile, the New Day’s victory promo is interrupted by Dean Ambrose crashing into the arena with the stolen vehicle, as they continue the match. Dean Ambrose v. Luke Harper, Part 2 Back to the ring as both guys grab some chairs from under the ring and Harper powerbombs him on one for two. He buries Ambrose in chairs and goes up, and there’s already a million logical problems with that one, but Ambrose slams him off and hits the Dirty Deeds for the pin. Did that really need the 30 minute break? I mean, it’s kind of a clever idea, but it’s not like it made for a better match or anything. US title, Russian Chain Match: John Cena v. Rusev Rusev attacks in the corner and touches two corners, but Cena quickly touches three before Rusev cuts him off. Rusev dumps him and ties him in the ropes for some punishment, then back in for two corners. There’s a major issue here in that the chain is WAY too long to build drama. The guys are just walking around the ring touching the corners, without having to sell the drama of dragging the other guy around. Cena runs Rusev into the post and touches two corners, but Rusev beats him down with the chain. At this point the announcers discuss what an underdog that Cena is, because this is Rusev’s match. A match that has never been broadcast on WWE TV before and thus is Rusev’s first time. They’re kind of contradicting themselves there. They keep hitting each other with weak shots from the chain as this has no drama to it, and the crowd is so bored that they chant for Lana. Lana waves at them, which angers Rusev and he sends her back to the dressing room. So now Cena comes back after 10 minutes of nothing and hooks the STF. And…? This match is STUPID. Cena touches two and now Rusev gets the Accolade. Again I ask, and…? Cena powers out and runs Rusev into a pair of corners, which light up for Rusev, but Cena cuts him off with the FU. Both guys are down and they crawl around the ring touching corners and then Cena gives him another FU and touches the fourth to retain at 13:33. Just because Eddie Guerrero had one good “touch all four” match 11 years ago doesn’t mean we need to ever see it again. ** WWE Divas title: Nikki Bella v. Naomi Apparently Naomi is now a Sasha Banks-esque heel and Nikki is the babyface. Because reasons. WWE: Where we’re telling stories, except when we’re too lazy to actually tell the story. Naomi controls with a chinlock and drops an elbow for two, but Nikki rolls her up for two. Naomi bulldogs her into the turnbuckle for two and a kick out of the corner for two. Nikki mounts the comeback, but Naomi gets the butt splash for two. A moonsault misses, but Naomi escapes the Rack Attack and rolls her up for two. Nikki gets a jumping kick out of the corner for two and Brie adds a shot from the outside, and the Rack Attack finishes at 7:15. This is apparently shocking behavior to the announcers. Dull and way too long. With AJ and Paige gone there’s literally nothing left in this division of interest. *1/2 Meanwhile, Rusev yells at Lana in Russian, and she goes to see the Authority. Last Man Standing: Roman Reigns v. The Big Show Roman slugs away on the Human Pee Break and dumps him before grabbing a table, but Big Show shoves it back under the ring in a cute spot. Reigns hits the apron kick and gets another table, but this time Big Show uses his frying pan sized hands to break it. Roman grabs a kendo stick, but Show slugs him down and breaks that, too. So that’s where all their budget on the Network went to – replacing needlessly broken weapons. Show punches Reigns down, but he grabs a chair and beats on Show with that. See, but we already had all the chair spots in the street fight, so why drag them out again on the same show? Reigns grabs a pair of tables, but Show hits the KO punch and Roman is up at 8. Show tries a chokeslam onto the table, but Reigns gets a samoan drop through it and Show is up at 8. Show with a spear for an 8 count and he goes up with a pump splash that misses by a foot and still gets an 8 count. My god, if that splash had actually made contact, Reigns would be DEAD! They slowly lumber to the top rope and Reigns goes down, but comes back and slams Show off. Two superman punches follow, but Show blocks a third and chokeslams him through a pair of tables at ringside. Luckily, Roman is up at 9. Show charges and goes through a table for 8, but bails to the floor and Reigns spears him through the barricade. Show is up at 9 and goes to the announce table, so Reigns spears him from one table to another and buries him under the Spanish announce table rubble to win at 19:45. Probably as good as you were going to get out of this, although the stalling early hurt it a lot and you’ve gotta wonder how many crazy beatings that they can put Reigns through in order to make up for their lousy booking of him. ***1/4 Bo Dallas joins us to tell us how smelly that Chicago is. You tell ‘em, Bo! Sadly, Ryback does not Bo-lieve and comes out to beat him up. And then to waste more time, we get ANOTHER WWE Network commercial. Meanwhile, Rusev announces that he’s facing John Cena AGAIN next month, this time in an I Quit match. Come on, really, four PPVs in a row? Why not continue Cena’s open challenge with a mystery opponent or something more interesting? WWE World title: Seth Rollins v. Randy Orton This show has really been dragging since the tag title match so hopefully this is quick. Seth tries to run right away and Orton pulls him down and slugs away. Rollins climbs for it again and Orton slugs away in the corner, but Rollins powerbombs him for two. They keep kicking and punching and Seth gets a clothesline for two as the crowd completely dies off. Orton makes a comeback and Rollins keeps trying to run away, then hits Orton with the flying knee off the top rope for two. Orton comes back with the powerslam for two, but Rollins escapes the draping DDT and gets a superkick for two. They fight to the top again and try to escape, but now J&J Security comes out to interfere in the match where no one can interfere, and Rollins is saved. Kane tells them to get lost and Orton takes over on Rollins again with the draping DDT, and a Pedigree for two. Orton tries to go for the door and Kane won’t let him out, but then Rollins goes for the door and he slams it in his face, too. So now Kane and J&J all head into the cage, where no interference can possibly happen, and Kane chokeslams the security geeks and then Orton and Rollins as well. I don’t even understand what the motivation is supposed to be at this point. Kane puts Rollins on top for two, but Orton gives Kane an RKO and then Rollins gives Orton an RKO and exits the cage to retain at 21:04. Well that was definitely not quick. Or particularly good. **1/2 So apparently due to controversy, this feud MUST CONTINUE. Because otherwise what would they fill time with? The Pulse Nothing bad tonight, although the cage match was a boring letdown and took the show down from thumbs up territory for me. I didn’t regret the three hours, particularly, so I’d call it thumbs in the middle tonight. Check out my rundown of the show at the Sporting News as well:

WWE Extreme Rules Live Thread

With the news of Daniel Bryan being unable to compete tonight due to injury, the Intercontinental Title match has been scrapped altogether. Bad News Barrett will instead face off against Neville in the Kickoff Show match. also tells us that updates in regards to the IC Title situation will will be given as the night continues.  Other matches tonight include:

Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton in a Cage Match for the WWE Title
John Cena vs. Rusev in a Russian Chain Match for the U.S. Title
Roman Reigns vs. Big Show in a Last Man Standing Match
Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus in a Kiss My Arse Match
Dean Ambrose vs. Luke Harper in a Chicago Street Fight
Nikki Bella vs. Naomi for the Diva’s Title
Tyson Kidd & Cesaro vs. New Day for the Tag Team Titles

WWE Extreme Rules Previews & More

From the fine folks at Place to be Nation, check out these two previews of tonight’s show:

“The Main Event” Podcast crew runs down the entire show and even takes calls from listeners as well. You can listen to that by clicking on the link below.

And Dan McGinn runs down the entire show himself with his article that you can read by clicking on the link below:

Plus, the “Greatest Wrestling Theme Song” Tournament continues as we have reached round three. You can vote by clicking on the link below:

And feel free to discuss any of these subjects here in this thread.

BoD Extreme Rules

This has nothing to do with the WWE

I have personally dedicated this to my friend, brawsome, and all of the RSS Feeds across the universe.

20 Man Win-A-Date Battle Royal
James, DavidBonzaiSaldanaMontgomery, PrimeTime Ten, Beard Money, Hart Killer 09, Your Favourite Loser, cabspaintedyellow, Worst in the World, Mick, nebb28, C.O. Jones, Dr. Facts, juvydriver, Phrederic, Stan Ford, Bobby, Scotty Flamingo, Andy PG, Andrew Dean, X Man

20 jam-up guys in one ring to win a chance at a date with poster jessybabe, who was involuntarily chosen for this stipulation. The date will take place on BoD RAW tomorrow night. And the match gets under way and the first person eliminated is Nebb28, courtesy of Andy PG. Oh man, his pet rock was flown in for the show and that set back the GM a lot of money. Nebb hangs his head in shame as he walks by the rock. And our British representative, Andrew Dean, has been eliminated by C.O. Jones. And the true shooter of the BoD, Bobby, has just been eliminated by the man who found Mrs. Whippleman, Dr. Facts. And look at this, somebody done mess with a country boy as Beard Money is running wild. He eliminates Stan Ford, Phrederic, and X Man then caps it off with a cartwheel. HA HA HA, YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The BoD Fantasy Sports Man and mediocre comedy poster, DBSM, has just been eliminated by Hart Killer 09. C.O. Jones has just been tossed by cabspaintedyellow. And James has just been tossed by Beard Money. No Daniel Bryan joining the Wyatt Family flashbacks for Andy PG here as he just tossed Worst in the World and juvydriver. And he tosses Scotty Flamingo too, who is now free to go masturbate to the anti-Dave Meltzer comments on the BoD. Mick has been eliminated after getting backdropped to the floor courtesy of Andy PG, who is on fire, unlike Kane. And surprisingly, Your Favourite Loser is still around. Dr. Facts and cabspaintedyellow are fighting near the ropes. Beard Money runs over and clotheslines Dr. Facts and cabspaintedyellow over the top ropes, eliminating them from this match. PrimeTime Ten sneaks up from behind and dumps his partner over the ropes. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!!!!  HE DONE MESSED WITH A COUNTRY BOY!!!!  And Beard Money is irate. The final four are Andy PG, Hart Killer 09, PrimeTime Ten, and the job squad member, Your Favourite Loser. Things are getting rough as all four men are getting tired. Andy PG whiffs on a clothesline and Hart Killer 09 connects with a super kick. He picks up Andy and tosses him outside but Andy skins the cat! He charges at Hart Killer, who ducks and pulls down the ropes and Andy PG is eliminated. Good news, White Coat Security does not need the CM Punk sock puppet to help him cope with this situation. Your Favourite Loser is getting chopped in the corner by Hart Killer and PrimeTime Ten, who are now fighting with each other. Your Favourite Loser picks himself up in the corner and dropkicks Hart Killer from behind and he is nearly over the ropes and PrimeTime Ten dumps him to the floor, eliminating Hart Killer 09. We are down to the final two, PrimeTime Ten and Your Favourite Loser, the underdog. PrimeTime clotheslines down the Loser and stomps him repeatedly. PrimeTime is acting a bit arrogant now as Your Favourite Loser is hurting on the mat. He wipes the mat with Loser’s face then kicks him in the back of the head. PrimeTime Ten is looking to hit his patented flying forearm and bounces off of the ropes but he sees Beard Money near the ring and stops. Beard Money yells at him and Your Favourite Loser finally gets up and hits him with a running knee from behind and Beard Money yanks the ropes and that eliminates PrimeTime Ten. And the underdog, Your Favourite Loser has won the battle royal and a date! The crowd is cheering for the underdog, who doesnt know what to do, because he has never won before. Beard Money gets in the ring and asks him to do the do si do but he is still confused as to what has happened. He looks to the crowd for support and they want him to do the do si do and he does!!!!! HA HA HA, GIT DOWN CUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA. And we have word that the date will be shown on the next edition of BoD RAW.

BoD Extreme Rules

All matches will feature timekeeper, Mister E Mahn, who is world-renowned for his abilities.

Tables Match for the Tag Team Championship
ABeYance1 & thebraziliankid vs. Adam Curry & Kyle Warne (Champions)

thebraziliankid had his family flown in from Brazil and they are sitting ringside. White Coat Security is their to prevent Parallax from hitting on his aunt. The match is under tornado rules. Everyone is brawling in the ring to start. Curry goes outside and slides in a table, as does Abeyance. Kyle and Adam were reportedly very excited over the RoH show this Saturday, making them two out of 300 people on planet earth who share the same feeling. Abeyance tries to set up the table but Warne boots him in the gut then tosses him to the floor. thebrazilian kid then fires Warne outsides and tries to fly out with a suicide dive but gets speared by Curry. Curry then hits a snap suplex and backbreaker before climbing up top. Abeyance shoves Curry off of the top, narrowly missing a table. Warne then takes Abeyance down with a superplex as bodies are everywhere. The action goes back outside as Abeyance is set up on a table. Warne goes up top but thebraziliankid hops up and tossing him down to the floor. Abeyance gets off of the table and pulls out a can of Aqua Net and a stick. The referee runs over to remind Abeyance that it is not a requirement to respond to every single post then lets him continue. Abeyance sprays two hearty squirts of Aqua Net onto the table and his now rubbing a stick together with his hands in an attempt to start a fire!!!!! GUNS DONT KILL PEOPLE, ABEYANCE KILLS PEOPLE. Abeyance is struggling to get a fire going with the stick and tries a match but he messed it up and there is no fire. thebraziliankid runs over and spears Curry then takes out Warne with a leg lariat. He runs over to his family and he sees his cousins but Abeyance seems to be struggling to figure out which Brazilian is his partner because they all look the same to him. But Curry hits thebraziliankid from behind with a chair and that sends him down. Warne tackles Abeyance and puts him on the table as Curry goes up top and puts thebraziliankid through the table with a 5 Star Frog Splash as they retain the tag belts. Oh my, a lot of miscommunication between the young guns of the BoD.

“Dancin'”Devin Harris vs. Todd “Hoss” Lorenz

GIT DOWN WITH DA D-D-H!!!!! Before the show, Lorenz had turned away the delivery truck that contained snickers bars and shook down the driver for his wallet too. Match starts off with a lockup and the DDH pushes Hoss away, who is irate. DDH dodges a charge and hits some DANCIN PUNCHES!!!!!!!!!!  AND THEN HE DOES A JIG!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA, YESSSSIRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! DDH hits a corner splash then gets two with a bulldog. DDH works a bearhug but Hoss escapes with a bell clap and his on the warpath. He uses clubbing forearms to the back then gets two with a backbreaker. The Hoss puts on his own bearhug as DDH is unable to get funky. He breaks the hold and gets a slam. Hoss is now going up top and this cant end well folks. He tries a splash but the DDH thankfully rolls out of the way and both men are down. The Hoss is up first and they now slug it out. The DDH wins the battle and knocks Hoss right to the mat with a right and look, he is getting FUN-KAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The DDH hits a few clotheslines then boots Hoss through the ropes. Hoss takes a breather outside and places his hand on the guardrail for support. He looks up and sees someone in the stands pull out a Snickers bar from their pocket. The fan peels open the wrapper and goes for a bite and the Hoss is irate. He knocks over the guardrail and slaps the bar out of the fan’s hand. He is screaming at the fan “NO SNICKERS BARS” then picks up the fan by the throat and chokeslams him down. The referee counts to ten as DDH wins the match, via countout. Hoss is now really mad as the concession stand workers are evacuating the area. The music of DDH hits as the BoDettes come into the ring and everyone is GETTIN’ DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hoss cannot handle that others are having fun right now and runs over to the sound system and destroys it all. He grabs the DJ and shakes him down for his wallet before leaving. He then goes back to retrieve the DJ’s hamburger and eats that while walking away as the DDH wonders why the Hoss is so angry.

As the tag champs are interviewed backstage, John Petuka and kbjone stop by and congratulate them on their victory. The shake the hands of the champs then walk away…..

Cage Match
Logan Scisco vs. Tommy Hall

The e-book money continues to funnel in for Tommy as he is sporting a Curtis Enis throwback in addition to his lucky Champion sweatpants. And do I see knock-off designer sunglasses too? They are fake Oakley’s, or Joakley’s if you will. This grudge match is the result of a feud that started after Scisco eliminated Hall at the BoD Rumble. Tommy backtracks and attempts to use the referee as a shield but Scisco unloads on him, still angry at Hall cheating to win at BoD Mania when he used the roll of nickels. Scisco grinds Hall’s face against the cage. He rams his head against each side of the cage as Scisco is getting is revenge. Tommy is begging for mercy but Scisco wont have any of that. He is kicking Tommy repeatedly, who is asking for a timeout. Scisco then rips the Enis throwback off of his body!!!!!!!! You know how many e-books Tommy had to slave over to pay for that? A shitload of ’em. Logan drags Tommy to the opposite corner and sets up for a running knee but Tommy is able to dodge the attack. Tommy takes his Enis throwback and chokes out Logan, making this the only time a Curtis Enis Chicago Bears jersey has ever been useful. Tommy now chops Logan then launches him into the cage. Tommy tries to climb up the cage as Logan slowly makes his way to his feet. He yanks Tommy’s leg, who splats on the mat. Logan stumbles over and drops a few elbows. Logan locks in the sharpshooter as Tommy is bleeding from his forehead. Logan is cranking back as Tommy is withering in pain. After a while, or the time it takes Tommy to sell three e-books, the hold is broken. Logan goes up top now and climbs as Tommy is getting up. Tommy gets to his feet and climbs up with Logan. He pulls Logan down as he slides down the cage. They are both near the bottom of the cage and struggle to climb up. They are both near the top as Logan fires away. He climbs just near the top as Tommy pulls on his leg and that stops Logan for a bit. Tommy reaches in his sweats and pulls out a sock. Its  a loaded sock and he wallops Logan on top of the head twice, as Logan falls off of the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tommy puts the sock back and we see what appears to be pennies fall out on the mat. Tommy reaches the floor and has won the match! He has done it again with that e-book money. Someone needs to humble him and prevent the flaunting of his cash. Who will stand up to this tyrant?

Backstage, Parallax is asking people if they have seen Officer Farva tonight. No one has seen him at all. Parallax looks concerned.

Special Bonus Match
Mar Solo & JoeDust & YJ2310 vs. White Thunder & Paul Meekin & WWF1987

This was added to the card today. Although they are top 20 posters, we do not know that much about some of these guys but BoD Newz Man Wade Michael Meltzer did some digging and found out some info. Mar Solo once sold a pack of cigarettes to Danny Bonaduce and Joe Dust makes one hell of a cranberry chutney every Christmas. YJ2310 is “Mr. Top 13” and starts off with the one and only blog otter, Paul Meekin. He uses his patented spin kick that takes down everyone from #14 and below on the BoD pecking order. WWF1987 tags and was the man who suggested the “shit” thread to Meekin. WWF1987 works over YJ2310 escapes and tags Joe Dust, who works the arm. White Thunder is on the apron and wants to tag but WWF1987 will not let him. White Thunder gets mad and starts to strut around like the Nature Boy but unlike the Nature Boy, he has money in his pocket. White Thunder tags himself in and gets hit by Mar Solo, who sold cigs to Bonaduce and beat his friends at Double Dribble on NES on his 8th birthday. Mar Solo bounces off of the ropes and hits a back elbow smash. Meekin makes a blind tag and boots Solo down and goes for the Otter Dropper!!!!! He goes for the pin but Mr. Top 13 makes the save and now the match breaks down. The Chutney Master gets dumped by Meekin, who gets dumped by Mar Solo. And now Solo flies out with a plancha. WWF1987 and White Thunder double-team Mr. Top 13 and try for a Hart Attack but Mr. Top 13 escapes and WWF1987 hits Thunder. Mr. Top 13 takes WWF1987 and puts him away with a Death Valley Driver. White Thunder is angry with WWF1987 and they argue until Meekin steps in and breaks it up. Lots of animosity between WWF1987 and White Thunder right now as Meekin is doing his DDP Yoga in between is next thread titled “Most Embarrassing Shart.”

GM Bayless is in the ring. He brings out Steve Ferrari, still bandaged up from his beating at BoD Mania, refusing to call him Extant1979. Bayless tells him that is a bullshit name and it will never be acknowledged. He then tells Ferrari that he will be facing the Unstable tonight.

Steve Ferrari vs. Elvy Landa & Steve Stennick & Gideon Stargrave & Jesse Baker

As the Unstable makes their way to the ring, the police come out to take Elvy away, who was arrested for stalking another porn star on Twitter. It’s now a 3 on 1 match. And again, Baker is stuck in the ropes. Ferrari hits Stennick with a running knee strike and that sends him off of the apron. He goes after Gideon, who responds by punching himself in the face. Ferrari sits back as Gideon hammers away at his own face. Stennick comes from behind and attacks Ferrari. A few White Coat Security guys come out and they hold down Ferrari. Baker frees himself from the ring ropes and has Gideon put a black glove on his hand. Baker approaches Ferrari, who is held by two members of White Coat Security, struggles to get free. Wait a minute, coming from the stands are Nick “The Brick” Piers and Magoonie Teddy Belmont!!!! Two of the finest parking attendant’s the BoD has ever seen. The attack Stennick and Gideon runs away. And Ferrari breaks free as the three midcarders explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS MIDCARD MADNESS FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They now go over to Baker who is throwing windmill punches while he is still stuck in the ropes. Baker manages to flee as the three midcarders who were targeted by the GM stand triumphant in the ring. The GM CANNOT BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS

Officer Farva vs. Jef Vinson

Vinson is in the ring but Farva is nowhere to be seen. The referee looks over at the wonderful timekeeper and signals for the match to begin. The referee counts and Farva still has not shown up. He finally reaches ten and the match was ended, with Jef Vinson winning by countout. Jef has his arm raised in victory but now here comes Farva, stumbling down the aisle. He has not realized that the match is over. Jef looks over at Farva, who has dropped some gimmicks from his pocket and then falls over as he goes to pick them up. I thought this guy was saved but apparently not. Is this the end of the Farva & Parallax duo?

Culstatus leaves his private dressing room backstage and runs into Jef Vinson, who reminds the champ that he is the older of the Money on the Table briefcase and tonight, he could walk out as the champion.

GM Bayless is backstage and screaming about the midcarders ruining his plans. He says that he will address the issue on the next episode of BoD RAW.

Writers Championship
Kyle Fitta vs. Stranger in the Alps (Champion)

What a battle this is going to be. Stranger took time out of his busy day slaving over old ECW Hardcore TV recaps to defend this prestigious title. Kyle takes control early but Stranger sets him straight with a lariat. He works the leg and might be setting him up for the dreaded Can Opener, which stunned his brother many of times back in their Canadian living room. Kyle fights back and shows some fire but that is stopped with a forearm to the face. Stranger’s Irish whip is reversed and Kyle follows that with a running elbow smash then some chops in the corner. BOD FUN FACT: Kyle’s favorite character from “Pinocchio” is in fact, Pinocchio. Back to the match, Kyle gets some nearfalls with a few suplexes but misses a flying body press and that allows Stranger to connect with the dreaded can opener for the win. Kyle will be in pain for a while.

First Blood Match for the BoD Heavyweight Championship
Parallax1978 vs. Cultstatus (Champion)

There are no disqualifications in this match. The two men stare each other down before the match. I am not 100% certain, but I think the winner of this match will be receiving a visit from Mrs. Whippleman in their hotel room tonight. These two slug it out for a bit then spill outside. Cult ducks a chairshot as Parallax tries to draw blood early. Cult spears him down then rams his head off of the floor. The Pittsburgh Snooze Lord is beating on the Short Carolina Man as they head up the aisle. They are now backstage as the catering tables are once again empty, except for the untouched salad. Cult picks up the table and tosses it at Parallax, who ducks, then takes the tray of Salad but Todd Lorenz grabs the tray and slams it on the ground, yelling “NO SALADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” That allows Parallax to hit a running knee strike. He drags Cult back  down the aisle and sends him into the guardrail. BREAKING NEWS: Our cameras are backstage as Office Farva is beating on Jef Vinson. HE WAS SOBER THE ENTIRE TIME DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!! Farva is choking him out with a child’s toy stethoscope then tosses him into the wall. Farva and Parallax have devised a plan to win the belt and not have Vinson cash in his briefcase. Parallax still has control as Farva makes his way to the ring. They pick him up and hit a double suplex on the concrete. They roll him inside as Farva slides in a chair. Parallax picks it up but swings and misses as the breeze is felt up in the bleachers. Cult boots down Parallax and fires away. He hits a side slam then drops the leg. He fires Parallax over the top ropes and takes down both Farva and Parallax with a suicide dive as the BoD Arena is going crazy. He takes Farva and drops him with a clothesline. He fires Parallax over near our timekeeper and yanks away the bell and smashes it against Parallax’s face but no blood. He tries it again but Farva stops him and hits Cult, but still no blood. Farva goes into the stands as Parallax has control of the match. He kicks him repeatedly as Farva has come back with a beer bottle. He gives it to Parallax and holds up Cult but from behind, he comes Jef Vinson!!!!!!! He clobbers Farva then throws him down. He goes after Parallax and lights him up near the announcers table. He is seeking revenge from the attack by Farva that was orchestrated by the wife-fucker. Cult reaches for the bottle but a struggle ensues between him and Farva. Cult lets go as Farva drops the bottle, smashing it against the floor. Parallax dodges an attack from Vinson and takes down Cult from behind. He drags him near the broken glass and looks to be setting him up for the curb stomp. He brings Cult up for the move but he blocks it and grabs Parallax’s leg from a crouched position and lifts him up on his shoulders!!!!!!!! The champ shows a lot of strength here but Parallax is able to escape and land on the apron. He waits for Cult to turn around and jumps but Cult is able to catch him. Farva comes back with another beer bottle and swings but Vinson blocks the attempt. Farva takes the bottle and pushes Vinson away and goes for a swing but it misses Cult, who then takes the bottle and smashes it against Parallax’s face, which is a bloody mess, for the win!!!!!!!!! Parallax’s own medicine was used against him. But from behind comes Jobber123 and he attacks Cult but Vinson runs in for the save. And they beat on Jobber until Farva comes over to even the score. Parallax runs over and it is a 3 on 2 brawl as we are outta time.

Matt’s Recap: WWE Extreme Rules – 5/4/2014

I usually cover Main Event. This is my first rant about an Event Formerly Known as a Pay Per View.

I won’t get too fancy.

start with a promo portraying HHH as a dictator with an empire. This
empire has demons and rebelling soldiers and those who make you
question your own beliefs.

And we are LIVE from the IZOD Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey!!!

JBL, Michael Cole and King are your guys as usual.

MATCH #1: Rob Van Dam vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) vs. Cesaro (w/ Paul Heyman) in a Elimination Triple Threat Match
Once again, we have to sit through Heyman’s needlessly long entrance.  The
three men punch at each other, then Cesaro and Swagger team up on RVD with a reverse elbow
of the ropes. Cesaro goes after Swagger but Swagger hits a belly to
belly suplex. RVD gets into it by hitting a springing kick off the ropes
to Swagger and then a Slingshot Splash to Cesaro and Cesaro lands on
top of Swagger. Swagger hits a quick two count. Swagger goes outside to
collect RVD who fell outside at Swagger’s hands but Swagger clears the
ring and then hits a powerbomb to Cesaro outside! RVD is in with Swagger
and hits a swinging reverse suplex and gets two. He slams RVD and hits a
Swagger Bomb for two. Cesaro suddenly gets in the ring and hits the
Cesaro Swing on Swagger, getting 9 spins before RVD boots Cesaro in the
face and pins him for two. RVD slams Cesaro and goes for th 5SFS but
Swagger press slams him to the mat off the ropes and hits the Patriot
Lock. RVD kicks at Swagger and Cesaro hits a running uppercut off the
ropes for two. Cesaro tries to ram Swagger into the buckle but Swagger
does it to him instead and climbs the ropes but Cesaro uppercuts him and suplexes him into the ring with Swagger’s feet planted on the other side of the ropes! RVD follows with the 5SFS! Three!
Swagger’s gone, though everyone’s confused about the elimination rules and thinks it was a botched cover, seemingly.

is immediately on RVD with Gut Wrenches and a German Suplex for two. RVD
rolls outside and Cesaro jumps off the ropes and nails him with a
double axehandle outside. Cesaro tosses RVD into the crowd barrier and
tries to jump off it but RVD kicks him off, leaving Cesaro hanging over
it. RVD hits a Flying Guillotine Legdrop on Cesaro and the crowd loves
it and chants, “ECW”. Cesaro is back inside and RVD hits Rolling
Thunder, then the Flipping Moonsault! Two count for both the moves. RVD
goes under the mat and pulls out a trash can but Cesaro dropkicks the
can into RVD’s face. Cesaro tosses the crumpled can into the ring as
well as RVD but RVD hits body scissors, NEARLY pinning Cesaro. He grabs
the can and throws into Cesaro’s arms and then kicks the can into
Cesaro’s face. He puts the can on top of Cesaro’s chest and goes for the
5-Star Frogsplash…but Cesaro moves and hits the Neutralizer on TOP of
the can and we are done at around 12:36.
WINNER: Cesaro via Neutralizer
GRADE: B+. Surprisingly, RVD carried this thing for the most part, managing to out-do Cesaro. Swagger didn’t even belong in the match or just seemed wholly invisible to me.

a trainer is working on Daniel Bryan’s arm. Steph interrupts and says
she can’t control Kane. She’s afraid for him and his wife and his Mom.
She’s afraid that he’s gonna get annihilated. She tells Daniel Bryan
that he should surrender the title tonight.

Bryan: “Stephanie…get out of my face.”

says he’s walking in as champ and he’ll walk out as champ. Steph says
that won’t happen. Because he’ll be walking out as “Kane’s Bitch”.

If you can climb the hills outside your house and be a chick who
finally gets preggers, it’s because you BO-LIEVED. These just get worse
as time goes by.

MATCH #2: Alexander Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. R-Truth & Xavier Woods in a Handicap Match
talks up Vladimir Putin because it’s been too long since the crowd was whipped into a Jingoistic frenzy by something that wasn’t Hacksaw Jim Duggan. She is “dedicating this
match” to him. She introduces Rusev who gets to the ring and, before the bell rings, Rusev immediately boots Xavier Woods out of the ring. He follows up by going outside and throwing him into the steel under the ring. Then he hits a Gut Wrench
Suplex for good measure before going into the ring to face R-Truth. The ref rings the bell and Rusev is all over
Truth, punching him and whipping him into the posts. The crowd chants
“WE WANT LANA”. Woods is still out and Rusev charges at Truth but misses
and Truth takes the opportunity to get in some offense, culminating in a missile drop kick. He hits
the Scissor Kick and gets two as Lana’s head nearly explodes like one of those possessed villagers in Resident Evil 4. Rusev comes
back with a kick, then hits his Tornado Spinebuster and the Accolade at 2:37.
Helluva Handicap Match, huh?
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
GRADE: D-. Another RAW squash come and gone.

Post-match, the heels start walking back to the ramp and Lana tells Rusev to destroy Woods, too. So he does.

Commercial for Juicy Drop Pops.

Lillian Garcia says that the winner of the USA Games Special Olympics in New Jersey will be revealed soon. Many of the competitors are at ringside tonight.

Young is backstage with Evolution. She wants to know about their game
plan. HHH says they have massive egos. He talks up Batista and Orton and
says they’re with the Cerebral Assassin tonight and everyone keeps asking WHY people call him that — and he’ll show everyone what
that means. You know, just in case they haven’t seen HHH wrestle
anytime in the last 15+ years.

Barrett’s here with some
BAD NEWS: The MERS virus is here and everyone will succumb to it. But
that’s not gonna be anything compared to how he will beat up Big E.

MATCH #3: Bad News Barrett (challenger) vs. Big E (champion) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
poses and claps for the crowd so Big E tosses him into the ropes and
hits a shoulderblock. Barrett rolls outside and Big E follows and tosses
him into the ringpost, then spears him. He rolls Barrett into the ring
but Barrett kicks E and E rolls back outside. Barrett leaps off the
apron with an elbow, hitting it, then rolls E into the ring for a
one-count. Barrett tries a suplex but E reverses it. The crowd is
clearly behind Barrett as he comes back with a suplex and gets two.
Headlock by Barrett but E gets out and charges and Barrett hits a cross
body for two. He gets up and hits E with a big boot, then chokes him on
the ropes and lays him across the top buckle. He poses for the crowd who
loves him, then charges and E hits a belly to belly suplex. E hulks up a
bit and hits clotheslines and another belly to belly suplex. He spears
Barrett in the corner and knocks Barrett from the ring. Barrett gets to
the mat and E tries to suplex him back in but nothing doing. So, he
SPEARS BARRETT OUT OF THE RING. Holy shit. He tosses Barrett back in and
gets two. He goes for the Splash and runs into Winds of Change for two!
Wow. He stops on E and then tries to toss him into the corner
but Barrett reverses and E runs into the Ringpost. Barrett hits
Wasteland and NEARLY gets another pin. He calls for the Bullhammer but E
catches him and hits a Spinebuster Slam and Warrior Splash. He calls
for the Big Easy but Barrett gets out and goes for the Bullhammer…but misses. Big E ducks and runs at him and Barrett hits it anyway, and gets the
pin at 7:55.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Bad News Barrett via Bullhammer
GRADE: B-. Not a bad match but E seemed like he was mailing this in and the whole thing felt like something you might see on Smackdown. Glad that Barrett is finally making the comeback he deserves after the last misfire.

A promo for WWE Stackdown, which is Lego WWE, only it’s not by Lego. It comes complete with your favorite current superstars like John Cena and Sheamus! And, UH-OH, here comes Biker Undertaker from 14 years ago! (Sidenote: I would actually kill for a Lego WWE video game. Let’s get that puppy going, huh?)

Adam says he’s coming to RAW this Monday. And he has bunnies.

We get a video package for The Shield vs. Evolution.

#4: Evolution (Batista, Randy Orton & Triple H) vs. The Shield (WWE
United States Champion Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns)

The heels comes out and wait for The Shield to come out. There’s a long,
long delay before they finally hit the ring. Crowd is already chanting
“THIS IS AWESOME”. It’s a West Side Story stare-down until the bell rings, then it’s a Pier Six Brawl after that. The Shield clears the ring as Cole wets his pants, declaring The Shield “winners of the first battle”.
HHH runs into the ring but Rollins sees it coming and puts HHH into the
corner, slugging away. He slings HHH into the ropes and hits a forearm, then a Stinger
Splash in the corner and clotheslines HHH out of the ring, followed by a
Suicide Dive to HHH outside. Orton attacks next so Rollins just punches him away. He
gets back in the ring and runs into a HUGE clothesline by HHH. Tag to
Batista who gets massive heat. He tosses Rollins into the corner and rams him repeatedly with his shoulders. Tag to Orton who beats on Rollins and then stomps
him near the ropes, then hits a slingshot clotheline using the bottom
rope. Orton tags in HHH who hits a kneelift and gets two.

to Batista who elbows Rollins from the outside, then boots him in the
head and pins for two. Tag to Orton who stomps on Rollins foot and
wrist. He drops Rollins on the top rope, stomach-first, then hits a
side headlock after Rollins tries to tag in one of his guys. Rollins gets
to his feet and tries a tag but Orton drags him away…so Rollins
finally counters with a sidewalk slam to Orton and starts crawling to his corner to make a hot tag.
The rest of Evolution, however, comes running in and attacks Reigns and Ambrose, knocking them off the
mat. Orton pulls Rollins to his feet and Rollins hits an Enzuguri and
tags Ambrose who missile dropkicks Orton and then boots away at
Batiasta. Orton goes for an RKO but Ambrose gets out of Orton’s grip and hits a
clothesline and a Figure Four much to the delight of the Flair fans in attendance. Reigns, meanwhile, works on Batista outside the ring, tossing him into
the crowd barrier outside. Ambrose and Orton are still inside as Reigns
misses a Spear on Triple H and ends up running into the steel steps. Back inside, Batista just works over Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose gets to his
feet but Batista hits a massive clothesline and tags in Orton who puts
Ambrose in a headlock.

Rollins is back on the mat and
so is Reigns after a bit, looking a little beat up. Orton hits a dropkick on Ambrose after he gets
free. Tag to HHH who taunts Ambrose and tells him to get up. He punches
at Ambrose, knocking him down and then puts Ambrose into the corner. He
charges Ambrose who hits a boot but then charges and runs into a HHH
Spinebuster. Tag to Batista who hits a running elbow and gets a two
count. He puts Ambrose in a headlock but Ambrose gets free. HHH tagged
in but he gets DDT’ed. Ambrose tags Reigns and it’s on. He takes out
Orton and Batista, then uppercuts Batista, He takes out Orton outside,
along with Batista. Batista tries to put Reigns
in a Batista Bomb but Rollins makes the save. The Shield gets in the
ring. Reigns hits The Superman Punch on Batista and The Shield hits the Triple
Powerbomb! 1…2…nope. Triple H pulls Reigns from the ring…and the chaos begins.

Evolution gangs up on Reigns. Ambrose comes over and beats on Orton. Rollins flies
at Triple H with a Suicide Dive and MISSES! Triple H gets back in the ring and NEARLY runs into a Reigns Superman Punch but DUCKS and then IMMEDIATELY hits the Pedigree! HHH realizes he was never tagged, so he drags a still-unconscious Batista on top of
Reigns for the pin. Ambrose comes in and takes Triple H out of the ring, beating on him
outside…but Batista has his arm over Reigns: 1…2…REIGNS KICKS OUT. Crowd is ballistic at this point. Orton
comes in and RKO’s Reigns but Rollins makes the save on the pin! He takes out Orton and runs him into the crowd barricades which also takes out the cameraman. Orton puts Rollins into the
timekeeper’s pit and Triple H joins him as they stomp Rollins. Suddenly, AMBROSE RUNS ACROSS BOTH
ANNOUNCE TABLES AND DIVES AT ORTON AND TRIPLE H INSIDE THE PIT. The fight spills into the crowd as Rollins, Ambrose, Orton and Triple H fight their way up the stairs of the IZOD Center. Orton and Triple H take out Rollins and knock Ambrose down a set of stairs backstage. Orton and Triple H attack, smacking
Ambrose’s head on the step railing and all seems lost…until Triple H and Orton look high above them to the crowd concourse above the backstage doorway and see Rollins WHO LEAPS OFF THE CONCOURSE AND TAKES OUT TRIPLE H AND ORTON.

Crowd chants, “HOLY SHIT” as all four men lay on the concrete, beat up and spent. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Batista gets to his feet. Reigns
charges and Batista hits the Spinebuster! He stomps his foot, signalling for the Batista Bomb. Crowd is NOT happy. He goes for the Batista Bomb
but Reigns shoves Batista off of him and hits The Superman Punch and a HUGE Spear and it’s over at 19:57.
WINNERS: The Shield via Spear
GRADE: A+. There are no other words. This was the match of the evening, if not a candidate for match of the year. 

Post-match, Reigns, suddenly bestowed with the powers of Lassie, finds and re-unites with his boys backstage and poses with them.

We get a promo for Legend’s House. They will be stripping. For women. Because.

Cole, King, and JBL push the WWE Network and I still can’t, honestly, understand why more people aren’t buying this thing.

Steel cage lowers…Bray and Cena are next as we run a promo for the two of them.

MATCH #5: John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Eric Rowan) in a Steel Cage Match
Cena checks the cage for stability and seems satisfied. Even though it has no roof. And the door isn’t locked and they can use it to get in. And the match is No-DQ. Yup. Everything’s perfectly fine. Bray
and the Family hit the ring with dozens of cellphone lights in the audience
swaying back and forth to their theme song. Bray shakes the cage after he arrives as Cena
paces like a tiger, waiting for him. Bray whispers something in Rowan’s
ear, then Harper’s. He gets in the ring and Cena tells the ref to watch
the other two Wyatt members who can open the door and enter at anytime.
Bray gets headlocked but then hits a shoulderblock. He hits a
clothesline after that as the crowd gets behind Bray. Bray tosses Cena
into the corner but Cena reverses and hits a suplex off the running
charge. He tries to climb the cage but Harper and Rowan block him. Bray
clotheslines Cena when he comes back down. The two brawl but Bray gets
the upper hand and tosses Cena into the cage. Bray knocks Cena down with
a punch and then pushes Cena’s face against the cage, telling Cena to
apologize to everyone. Rowan splashes Cena against the cage from the
outside as the crowd sings and sways like a bunch of typical East Coast
Marks. Bray tries to escape from the cage but Cena won’t let him and
slingshots Bray into the cage. Cena climbs the cage but Herper and Rowan
get in his way. Cena doesn’t care and climbs over. Bray climbs up, too,
but he gets kicked off. Cena is over the top again but Bray stops him
again. Cena tries for a move off the top rope but Bray kicks him off.
Bray gets a two count.

Bray dances around the ring with
Cena and then hits a chokeslam. Two count. Bray pulls Cena up and Cena
grabs him for the AA but Bray gets off of Cena’s shoulders. Cena hits a
quick dropkick and starts climbing the cage again. Bray goes into Spider
Mode and tries to escape the cage but Cena stops him. He kicks Cena
away and then hits a cross body for two. He tosses Cena into the cage on
opposite sides. He tries again but Cena reverses it and Bray eats cage
instead. Bray tries a clothesline but Cena hits two shoulderblocks and
the Cena Slam. U CAN’T SEE ME and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for
the AA but Bray uses Cena’s shoulders as a ladder, climbing off Cena to the side of the cage. Cena
grabs him and powerbombs him. Two count and the match continues. Cena calls for
the ref to open the door but Rowan pushes the ref away and holds the
door shut. Cena tries to force the door open against Rowan and nearly succeeds…but Harper arrives to help and it doesn’t matter anyhow because Bray immediately attacks Cena
from behind and hits a DDT for two. He goes into Hanging Spider Mode but
misses the reverse Senton. Cena takes advantage and climbs the cage again, this time, getting OUT of the cage to the other side…but Rowan climbs
up to meet him, puts Cena ON HIS SHOULDERS and pushes him back into the cage.

Bray attacks but
Cena hits a Facebuster off the top rope! Two count! Cena climbs again
but Harper climbs the cage and beats on Cena, knocking him back inside
the ring…but Cena rams Harper’s head into the cage and Harper is
unconscious inside. Cena climbs the cage but Rowan grabs a chair and
tells him not to do it. Cena gets back in and Wyatt grabs him and Suplex
Tosses him cross the ring! Holy shit. He goes for Sister Abigail but
Wyatt counters with the STF. Wyatt drags himself out the door of the
cage.  Cena pulls him back in by his feet. Rowan grabs Bray’s arms and
it’s a tug of war…but Cena wins and pulls him back in. After disabling
Harper (who’s still in the ring), Bray climbs the cage…but Cena stops
him, pulls him onto his shoulders and manages to hit the AA off the second rope. He pins…but Harper makes
the save. Cena gets up and climbs the cage again but Rowan climbs
too…Rowan gets to the top first but Cena grabs Rowan by his beard and
knocks him unconscious by ramming his head into the steel lining the top. Harper
attacks! But Cena knocks him out again. With everyone knocked out, Cena heads for the door of the cage…but we get the “Wyatt Cut” and the place goes dark…and we hear a REALLY fucking warped, demonic version of “He’s Got
the Whole World in His Hands” being sung in the darkness. When the
lights come up, it’s a little kid, grinning and singing it in Cena’s
face. Cena backs up…right into Bray who hits
Sister Abigail. Bray gets out of the cage for the win at 21:26.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt
B-. Entertaining but, come on. This was painfully long and I find it hard to believe that no character or commentator, in the last three weeks leading up to this match, even bothered to point out that interference was not only possible but inevitable with a wide-open cage and unlocked door. That said, creepy finish and I liked the fact that Cena was in the middle of a nightmare the entire time and couldn’t escape it even though he thought he had.

Bray hugs the creepy, smiling blonde kid who looks uncomfortable as
Bray smears his sweaty, ugly body all over the kid’s face. They hold his
hands and lead him away from the ring as Cena stares in disbelief.

Cole and the boys throw it over to Josh Matthews, Booker T, Sheamus,
and Alex Riley who (surprise) CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY’VE JUST WITNESSED. They also
loved The Shield and Evolution match.

We see clips from the WEE-LC Match from the Pre-Show which was pretty good stuff despite my expectations. Forgive me for not covering it. B+, though. I’ll say that.

MATCH #6: Tamina Snuka (challenger) vs. Paige (champion) for the WWE Divas Championship
Tamina heads to the ring as Cole reminds us, once again, that she “is the daughter of Hall of Famer, Jimmy Snuka” just in case his reminders each week for the last year hadn’t clued you in. The two women lock up and Paige
is all over Tamina with punches, then stomps her in the corner. Tamina
lunges at Paige over and over but Paige moves out of the way of each attempt to grab her, then rolls up Tamina for a one-count. Tamina whips Paige into the ropes and Tamina charges but Paige
climbs on her shoulders and rolls her up for two. Paige knees Tamina
outside the ropes then climbs the top rope but Tamina Superkicks her causing Paige to fall outside the ring in a heap. Tamina rolls her back in
and pins for two. Tamina tosses Paige into the corner then hits a HUGE
slam for two. She slams Paige on the mat, over and over, and gets two again as
JBL says that Tamina could have been in the APA. Paige runs at Tamina
and pushes her out of the ring. She goes for a Hurricarana but Tamina
just spins her around by her legs and slams Paige’s head into the crowd barrier. Tamina puts her back into the ring and puts Paige on her shoulders, climbing
the top rope but Paige powerbombs her on a counter for three. Or not.
They blew the spot. Paige hits a Tornado DDT of sorts and gets two.
Paige runs at Tamina and Tamina hits a Spinning Spinebuster. Paige tries
to get to her feet and tries the Superkick but Paige catches her and
hits the Scorpion Crosslock. Tamina taps at 6:19.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Paige via Scorpion Crosslock
GRADE: C+. Paige’s first decent match.

Wyatt cut.

Johnny is backstage with the Wyatts. Can’t wait for the Little
Johnny/Little Jimmy feud. Bray says Cena is trapped in a little box. He
asks Little Johnny what everyone will do now. In the goofy Nailz voice,
he says, “FOLLOW…THE BUZZARDS”, then puts on a sheep mask.

We’re at the main event but, first, it’s a video package of Daniel Bryan and “That Bastard” Kane.

MATCH #7: Daniel Bryan (champion) vs. Kane (challenger) for the WWE Heavyweight Championship in an Extreme Rules Match
wastes no time. Kane’s music hits, Kane walks out and Bryan runs out of
the ring and jumps him in the aisle. Kane tosses him into the crowd cage on the
side, then into the mat, then goes under the ring for the Wicker Stick of
Doom. Bryan punches at him, the stick drops and Bryan gets back inside the ring. Kane gets in and
goes for the top rope but Bryan dropkicks him and then climbs up,
punches him and hits a Frankensteiner. Holy shit. He dropkicks Kane and
then ejects him from the ring. Outside, he rushes Kane who counters, hitting a Big Boot. Kane picks
Bryan up and kicks him in the stomach, then whips him into the crowd
barricade. He picks up Bryan and also a chair, slamming Bryan’s back on top of
the timekeeper wall which has seen more action than a teen watching Cinemax on Sunday night. Bryan crawls back
into the ring. Kane grabs a chair and botches throwing it into the ring as the chair bounces off the ropes and goes back outside.
The crowd boos. Kane sets up a chair in the corner but Bryan hits him
with the Wicker Stick, then tries to hit Kane off the top rope. Kane
uppercuts him, then whacks him with the chair. He sets up the chair on
its legs and sidewalk slams Bryan into the chair. Two count.

goes for the Chokeslam but Bryan jumps out of it and drop toeholds Kane
into the corner chair. Bryan climbs the ropes and hits the missile
dropkick. Kane falls outside so Bryan hits the Flying Goat as the crowd
chants “YES”. Bryan takes apart the announce tables and uses each piece
on Kane. Kane fights back and rams Bryan’s head into the announce table,
then tosses the table facade into Bryan’s back. Kane takes apart the
Spanish Announce Table and attempts a chokeslam but Bryan gets out,
kicks him off and hits a Flying Tornado DDT off the table! Wow! He kicks
at Kane but Kane knees him and tosses him into the steel steps. Kane
takes apart the steel steps and then sets up for the Tombstone but Bryan
counters and throws Kane into the ringpost. Bryan goes under the ring
and grabs another Kendo stick and whacks Kane with it repeatedly until
Kane hits him with a HARD uppercut.

He tosses Bryan
into the video screen on the ramp and the match spills backstage. Kane
tosses Bryan into a bucket of water, then lifts up an HDTV and throws it
into a bucket of water…but Bryan’s no longer in there. Kane punches
Bryan as the fight goes to the backstage parking lot. Bryan picks up a shovel and whacks Bryan in
the back. Bryan punches Kane on top of a car, then runs at Kane who body
drops him on the hood. Kane picks up an oxygen tank which he throws at
Bryan who moves and the tank goes through the windshield. (G/F: “Eh…it’s only a Subaru.”)
Kane punches Bryan but misses and his fist goes through the window of a BMW. Bryan takes a tire iron and knocks Kane senseless with it. Then he stands there as he realizes that Kane’s out like a light and he
can’t drag him to the ring…so he has an idea. He picks Kane up and
puts him on a wood pallet block which is on a forklift….

drives the forklift out of the backstage area to the ring and then
raises the fork and dumps Kane into the ring. JBL, himself, questions this bullshit and asks “Where did he learn
to DRIVE a forklift?” Bryan gets out and climbs the crate and hits a HUGE Flying Headbutt and gets a close fall. Bryan sets up in the corner
and Kane sits up. He goes for the Flying Knee but Kane catches him and hits the
Chokeslam and gets a VERY near fall. Kane corners the ref who tells him Bryan got
the shoulder up. Kane gets a chair and runs his finger across his neck, a’la Undertaker.
He goes for the Tombstone but Bryan counters with a Tornado DDT. Two-count. He picks up the chair and whacks Kane with it about ten times, then
hits the YES Lock, but can’t get the lock all the way around Kane’s head. Kane manages to squirm loose and grabs a nearby Kendo stick,
whacking Bryan’s head with it but can’t get the necessary power or leverage to do any damage. Bryan takes the stick from him and uses it to
lock the move in completely. Kane’s only move now is to get out of the hold and he does by falling out of the ring, forcing Bryan to let go. Bryan’s not done with him, however, and goes into Flying Goat Mode, diving at Kane outside but KANE CATCHES HIM AND CHOKESLAMS HIM THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Nice payoff after taking all that time to set it up.

Kane shoves
Bryan back in the ring and then goes under the ring again, pulling out a folding table. He sets
it up as two dudes run to his sides with fire extinguishers. Why? Because Kane also grabs a gas can and a lighter. He pours it on the
table and lights it. He gets back on the mat to get Bryan but, since the set up for that took, like four weeks, Bryan’s already recovered and knocks Kane off the mat, onto the table. Kane
immediately gets up, discombobulated, with a dude practically showering him with fire extinguisher Like Piper at Wrestlemania V, then gets in the ring. Bryan hits
the Flying Knee and we’re done at 22:44.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Daniel Bryan via Flying Knee
GRADE: B-. A little much at times. The forklift thing was a bit silly and the flaming table was arbitrary and complete overkill. We didn’t need that finish. The brawling and back-and-forth, however, was top-notch and it was clear that these two wanted to kill one another.

Bryan celebrates in the aisle. Kane gets up and hits his fire, letting
Bryan know this isn’t over as we go off the air with Kane’s music still playing

OVERALL: B+. I really liked this one. It was never boring and was a decent follow-up to Wrestlemania XXX.

That’s it. Thank you to Scott Keith and all the people who like what they read and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please visit WE HATE
YOUR GIMMICK at and visit us on

Extreme Rules 2012

Dear Scott:
So I recently rewatched the main event to Extreme Rules 2012. What was up with that weird promo John Cena cut at the end of the show? It was an oddly placed speech about going home and getting in trouble with the boss, but I remember Cena doing pretty much the same things Cena always does soon afterwards. Any ideas on why that promo happened or what it was supposed to accomplish? 

Far as I can remember it was just Cena going into business for himself with the vague idea of taking a few weeks off and building to a rematch.  Here's the Observer on the subject:
"In addition, when he was given the finish, he was told he was being protected because he was destroying Cena, that Cena would get the win, collapse, and have to be helped out of the ring and left for dead. Instead, Cena did a weird promo that based on what we were told, he was not authorized to do. Everyone backstage, including Vince McMahon either had no idea what he was doing (and it was not in the script for the show), or maybe Vince knew and was pretending. But given how it turned out, I’d bet on the former. In the interview, Cena talked about how much he gave for the match, and he did, how he was now going on vacation for a while. He talked about how everyone in WWE, good guys, bad guys, big guys and small guys, do everything they can to entertain you people. He said he was proud he could have a match like this in Chicago, and that if he’s leaving for a while, he wouldn't want to have gone out any other way."
Clearly that time off didn't happen.  Maybe he was just knocked goofy?  I don't think it was ever established for sure what the intention was.

So, Extreme Rules….

Instead of a Daniel Bryan home game in Seattle, will be at the Izod
Center in Jersey, home of last year's Smarkapalooza Raw following
So they are possibly going in front of the same crowd that gave
Ziggler one of the all-time pops, shit on Sheamus/Randy Orton, and
amused themselves by singing Fandango's theme song with rematches of
Orton/Batista and Cena/Wyatt? Sign me up.

Personally I'd be happier with WWE getting their head out of their ass and pushing the people we want to watch rather than another shitty PPV ruined by angry fans hijacking the show.  

Fwd: Extreme Rising vs. TNA

Sent from my iPad

Begin forwarded message:

From: JOHN F CORRIGAN <[email protected]>
Date: November 19, 2013 9:21:27 AM CST
To: Scott Keith <[email protected]>
Subject: Extreme Rising vs. TNA

Hey Scott,

Extreme Rising owner Steve O’Neill revealed the changes within the company over the past year, specifics on the TV deal, and how competitive he views TNA.

John Corrigan

Set All Time Record for Most Hits on The Temple News’ Website
W.H.I.P. Radio Host: Fired Up with John & James
Pro-Wrestling Columnist for The Temple News

Extreme Sausage Parties

I was watching some old ECW matches the other day and it dawned on me that I have never once seen a female in the audience at the ECW Arena. So I have two questions: 1) Has a girl EVER attended an ECW event? and 2) Is there any other gathering in human history that has a worse male-to-female ratio than ECW in the 90's?

1.  I don't have attendance records handy, but I'm gonna say no.
2.  This blog?

WWE Extreme Rules 2013

The SmarK Rant for WWE Extreme Rules 2013 Eh, I’ve got nothing else going on tonight anyway, why not? Plus last year’s show was one of the greatest PPVs in history. My original plan was to watch it live and troll Twitter, but I ended up having to watch the replay. Live from St. Louis, MO. Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL Chris Jericho v. Fandango Sadly, the only extreme here is the color pallet on their tights. Fandango wants to dance, but Jericho puts him on the floor and we get the footrace, which allows Jericho to get an elbow on the way back in. Fandango bails and Jericho follows with a bodypress to the floor, but walks into a knee as Fandango takes over. Jericho charges and hits a boot, as Fandango gets two off that. We hit the chinlock, and Jericho blows a rollup attempt. Fandango with a slingshot legdrop for two off that. Jericho suplexes out of another chinlock and comes back with a double axehandle and bulldog to set up the Walls. No dice there, but he keeps coming with a flying bodypress, which Fandango rolls through for two. He goes up for the legdrop, but it misses and the Lionsault gets two. Fandango with a sunset flip, which Jericho rolls into the Walls, but they’re too close to the ropes. Fandango with an enzuigiri out of the corner and he goes up again, but this time lands in a Codebreaker that finishes at 8:32. Seems early to be beating Fandango, but it was a hot opener. ***1/4 US title: Kofi Kingston v. Dean Ambrose They trade wristlocks and Kofi tries the big kick early, then goes with a monkey flip instead and pounds away in the corner. Ambrose puts him down with a clothesline and suddenly the Shield fans are vocal. Neckbreaker gets two. Dropkick on the ropes gets two. He hooks Kofi in a crossface chickenwing, but that goes nowhere. Kofi makes the comeback with the boomdrop, but Dean ducks the kick. Kofi with the SOS for two, however. They fight to the top, where Ambrose brings him down with a butterfly superplex for two. Ambrose walks into the corner kick and Kofi follows with a crossbody for two, then hits Trouble In Paradise to knock him to the floor. Back in, that gets two. Ambrose rolls him up for two and ducks another Trouble attempt, and the bulldog driver finishes at 6:43 to give Ambrose the belt. Just a decent short TV match, nothing special. **1/4 Strap Match: Mark Henry v. Sheamus Sheamus yanks Henry down and they slug it out, allowing Sheamus to get one light. Henry takes him down and ties the legs up, allowing him to get two lights before Sheamus breaks it up. He tries a cute new strategy, running around the apron and hitting three lights, but Henry dumps him to the floor to break that up. Back in, Henry carries Sheamus around and both guys get three lights before Henry breaks that up. This is like a bunch of “how can we book clever ways to touch the corners?” rather than a match. Sheamus beats Henry down and touches three, but Henry stops the fourth. Another problem: The strap is so damn long that there’s no effort required in hitting each corner, so it’s just one guy walking around the ring. It’s not exactly my favorite stip to begin with, but one guy laying three quarters of the ring away while another casually moves around the ring pretty much kills it dead. Sheamus puts him down with the Brogue Kick and touches the fourth for the win at 8:17. So this sucked. * Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and AJ act all bitchy to each other, and a brawl results. Tamina Snuka, daughter of Hall of Famer Jimmy Superfly Snuka in case you didn’t know, is randomly standing there eating a banana for no adequately explored reason. I Quit match: Jack Swagger v. Alberto Del Rio Uncle Zeb goes on a political rant before the match, gets nowhere with that, and then hits paydirt with the cheap baseball heat instead. This promo is longer than the Ambrose title win. ADR dumps him right away and follows with a tope suicida, but Swagger suplexes him on the floor. Swagger chokes him out with a kendo stick, but Del Rio rams his hand into the stairs a few times. Back in, Swagger fires away with a kendo stick and bend him around the post, but no quitting yet. The crowd is so excited that they chant for Ziggler. Swagger pounds him with the kendo stick, but Del Rio grabs the arm from the apron, forcing Swagger to use the microphone to break. About damn time. Del Rio comes back with the enzuigiri and superkick, and not surprisingly Swagger won’t quit after that. Backstabber sets up the armbar, but Swagger escapes with a suplex and hits the Swaggerbomb. Doctorbomb and Del Rio won’t quit, so he hits another one. Another try is reversed into the armbar, but Swagger turns that into the anklelock and adds Angle’s GRAPEVINE OF DEATH, but he still won’t quit. So Zeb steals the towel from Ricardo, throws it in, and that apparently counts as a submission at 10:42. And then we get another referee, who explains the situation, so the first ref watches a replay on the timekeeper’s personal LCD TV and this match MUST CONTINUE. So now Del Rio gets the armbar right away and Swagger quits at 13:45. That was ridiculously overbooked, with no drama until the last couple of submission attempts. ** WWE tag titles, tornado match: Kane & Daniel Bryan v. Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns The champs quickly dominate and Bryan gets a bow and arrow on Rollins, and Kane gets two. The Shield stomps Kane down in the corner and Reigns clotheslines Bryan for two, setting up a superbomb, but Bryan counters with a rana to Reigns and Kane dumps them both. Bryan follows with a dive, and back in for more domination from the champs. They do some nice double-teams, including a Sidewinder of all things, and Kane clotheslines Rollins into a Bryan flying headbutt that gets two. No-Lock on Reigns, but Rollins breaks it up and gets chokeslammed as a result. Reigns spears Kane and everyone is out, and we get a slugfest. Rollins flies in with a knee on Kane and Reigns spears him for two. Bryan makes the comeback with the kicks and the No-Lock, but Rollins swoops in again with the flying knee, and the Shield wins the titles at 7:27. Whole lot of nothing there. This really needed an actual heat segment to build up the sympathy for Bryan, instead of just having the big comeback and finish come out of nowhere like that. But hey, the Shield has all the belts now, so that’s the end result that matters. *1/2 Extreme Rules match: Big Show v. Randy Orton Show quickly overpowers him and they fight outside, where Show breaks a helpless kendo stick to show his displeasure. What did bamboo ever do to him? Luckily, the stick’s brother is hiding under the ring ready for revenge, but Show MURDERS him as well. THAT KENDO STICK WAS TWO DAYS AWAY FROM RETIREMENT! MEEEEEENDOZZZZZAAAAAAAAA! Orton goes under the ring again and finds a ladder this time, but Show kicks that back at him as well. JBL: “If I was Orton, I’d quit bringing out weapons.” Back in, Show chokes away in the corner and goes to an armbar. An EXTREME armbar. No hold is barred here, particularly that one. Orton comes back with a dropkick, but Show chokeslams him out of the corner for two and the crowd goes SILENT. Show gets chairs and a ladder and sets them up, then sideslams Orton for two. Show tries to pump splash Orton through the ladder, but that goes spectacularly wrong for him and Orton gets two. Draping DDT sets up the RKO, but it only gets two. So now Orton gets a chair and beats on Show with that, but gets speared. He comes back with another RKO, but hurts his back on the chair and can’t cover. So instead he wants the punt, and that finishes at 13:00. This was fine. Don’t know why it needed to be on PPV, though. **1/2 WWE title, Last Man Standing: John Cena v. The Ryback Ryback overpowers Cena as the crowd starts with the Goldberg chant, and he pounds away in the corner. Cena goes up and gets caught in a powerslam, but Cena is up at 6. Ryback with the gorilla press, but Cena is up, so Ryback powerbombs him. Cena is up, so Ryback charges and lands on the floor, allowing Cena to find a conveniently placed table under the ring. Back in, Ryback with the jawbreaker, but Cena fights back until Ryback slams him through the table. Cena comes back again, of course, with the five knuckle shuffle, but Ryback spears him. Cena comes back with his own powerbomb, and that puts him down for 9. So now Cena pulls guard on Ryback, and that goes about as well as you’d expect. What was he expecting to happen there? Ryback with the lariat for 8, but Cena hooks him with the STF. And Ryback passes out from the pain. Or maybe this match just put him to sleep. Cena brings in a table, and Ryback takes the FU into it. He’s up at 9 and comes back with the Shellshock, but Cena is up at 9. To the floor, where Cena spears him through the timekeeper’s cubicle and both are down. And they head into the crowd, where Ryback pulls a door off the rinkboards and puts Cena down with it, for 9. Cena with a sleeper to put Ryback out, but he’s up at 9. So Cena splashes him through a table, and he’s down for 8. Next up, the good old fire extinguisher spray, followed by a shot to the head to put him down, but he’s up at 7. Ryback spears him through the curtain, as they disappear into the ether in a shower of exploding lightbulbs. And that’s apparently the finish, as we cut backstage to both guys getting taken for medical attention at 23:00 or so. The crowd rightly boos that bullshit out of the building. So…Ryback should be champion, right? Cena got taken away in an ambulance and couldn’t answer a 10 count, whereas Ryback walked away mostly under his own power. What a complete waste of time that was. They booked a stipulation match for the first meeting between them, and couldn’t even come up with a FINISH? **1/2 Cage Match: Brock Lesnar v. HHH HHH attacks before the bell and runs Brock into the cage a few times, but Brock shrugs it off and beats on the COO. HHH bumps into the cage, but comes back with the high knee. Brock suplexes him and runs him into the cage, but charges and runs knee-first into the cage. “Ow, my knee!” he notes to Paul, just in case we missed it. He keeps fighting with a powerslam, but the knee remains in pain. In another universe, Frank Mir runs out of the crowd and puts a kneebar on him right there. HHH goes for the Pedigree, but Brock escapes with the kimura, so HHH hits the knee. He goes for the door, but Heyman slams the door on him, and Brock gets the F5 for two. Heyman delivers a chair and Brock makes use of that. Another F5, but the knee gives out. So now HHH hits him with the chair, avenging his office’s murder, and goes to work on the knee again. Nothing like a cage match focused on one guy going to work on the knee for 10 minutes. Brock keeps trying for the kimura, but HHH puts him down for a figure-four. EXTREME. Brock reverses out and tries to climb out of the cage, but HHH tosses a chir at his knee to keep him in. And he finds a trusty sledgehammer hidden in the cage, painted silver, but now he uses a Sharpshooter. Paul Heyman runs in for distraction, but HHH Pedigrees both guys and gets two. And now he finally reunites with his hammer, but Heyman goes low and Brock puts HHH down with the sledgehammer. And the crowd is like “Yay…? Boo…? Do we care…?” Brock adds another F5 and pins him at 20:05. Another incredibly boring match between two guys who could have been booked to have every shortcut and gimmick they wanted. ** The Pulse #wweisEXTREMELYboring

Extreme Open Thread!

Here you go!

This might not be as bad as we think for a few reasons:

— The Shield should have some titles and maybe Dean Ambrose can elevate the U.S. title to something of some importance.

— Del Rio and Swagger, for as much as I hate the angle, have decent chemistry and their I Quit match could be a good one.

— Brock might beat Triple H to a bloody pulp. Maybe not.

Or this could suck.

But I have a feeling it’s going to be a worthy PPV. Would I buy it? Of course not but that’s why I live close to a sports bar.

Extreme Open Thread rules for one night only. Don’t keep it clean. I want dirty. I want angry.

Extreme Rising in Pittsburgh review

Each segment/match will be graded with either a positive
(+), a negative (-), or a neutral (N).
Robbie Mireno opens the show to a decent crowd on hand at
the Golden Dome in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Crowd are all over the poor sod,
as you can imagine. A few geniuses in the crowd remind me that he’s “not Joey
Styles!”. Ok… Mireno turns on the crowd and calls them pussies, which brings
out the pussy fiend that is, a slim, Joel Gertner. He thanks the crowd before
doing his usual spiel.

It’s worth noting that the sound levels were appalling for
the most part, so I apologise if I claim there were crickets for a match when
in actuality there was a little noise. The commentary is loud and the in-ring
action is quiet..
Jay Bradley Vs. Christian York
Your standard cruiser style opening ends with York taking down
Jay with a dropkick. A clunky spot ends in an exchange of chops and Bradley
taking over with his harder hitting offence. At first glance he’s a young
Blackjack Bradshaw.. Bradley drops a knee over the back of York’s head from the
second rope. Nice move, but the crowd aren’t so impressed. It’s sometimes
difficult to gauge with the ECW crowd (I’ll just call them that..) – they’ll
give new guys a hard time, but they’ll also shit over a move if it doesn’t look
as finesse as it should. York starts hulking up while Jay turns his chest red
with repeated chops, but to no avail. Jay’s offence is largely WWE style
(punch, kick, choke, resthold). Speaking of which, resthold time. They look to
be struggling with the smaller than usual size of the ring. It looks about
16×16, maybe even 14×14. York goes for the Kobashi plex, but Jay counters. York
then hits his cannonball in the corner. Double foot stomp gets a 2. A really
sloppy/contrived spot ends with the Lariat from Bradley for the win.
WINNER – Jay Bradley
VERDICT – They just couldn’t seem to get to grips with the
small ring. I expected more from York.
Papadon Vs. Stevie Richards (Extreme Rising World Title
tournament – First Round)
Gertner sums Stevie up pretty well: “I havn’t seen Stevie in
5 months. He looks 5 months younger..”.
I thought he looked great in his WWECW run (which, I’ll be
reviewing weekly soon. Cheap plug). Richards gets the better of the opening
exchange as Papadon retreats. Papadon bills himself as the ‘Greek God’, so you
can get a bit of a picture as to what this guy’s like. Papadon snapmares
Richards over and kicks him in the back, but Stevie no sells as Papa taunts.
Exchange of strikes, Stevie goes for the Stevie Kick, but once again Papa
retreats. Papa gets heat from the crowd and you could see him fitting in to the
original ECW as a Simon Diamond kinda character. A chinlock provides false hope
for Stevie fans as Papa drops him with a side suplex for 2. Papadon goes for a
Superplex but Stevie counters. Papa fires back with a European uppercut to take
him down. 2 count only. A chinlock/head vice transforms to a side suplex once
again from Papa. He then misses a big splash from the top. Comeback time from
Stevie. Sidewalk slam and Stevie’s feeling it. Papa tries to retreat but Stevie
grabs him by the trunks, revealing a ‘full moon in Greece tonight’ (thanks,
Joel). Stevie bomb gets reversed in to an Alabama slam. Papa tunes up the band
for a Stevie kick. Blocked, Stevie goes for one of his own, blocked once again!
Sequence ends with a Complete Shot, in to a triangle choke for the win for
WINNER – Stevie Richards
VERDICT – A simple but well worked match. Flowed well, they
coped with the small ring, and both guys came out looking good. No problems
here. Crowd was in to it, too.
They do the handshake tease spot. Papa tries to draw him in
to a shortarm clothesline, but Stevie’s too wise, ducks, and hits a Stevie
Luke Hawx Vs. Perry Saturn (Extreme Rising World Title
tournament – First Round)
Hawx is another guy you could see making it in the original
ECW. Seems to be the most buzz about him out of the new guys. Saturn doesn’t
look as large as he did at the last show. Hawx jaw-jacks as Saturn enters
through the crowd. Whatever he’s saying is drawing some heat, hard to make out.
Either Saturn’s fucked, or he’s selling the promo by leaning all over the
ropes. It’s touch and go.. Saturn has enough and duffs him up. HUGE T-Bone
suplex gets the crowd going. Neckbreaker off the ropes by Saturn and he locks
in a resthold. Not good at 40 seconds in.. Saturn then drops a knee to the
balls. Saturn looks pretty lost. Spinkick from the ropes sends Saturn down and
allows Hawx to take control (probably a relief). Resthold from Hawx. Saturn can’t
be in a great way these days. False comeback ends with a huge dropkick by Hawx.
Kimura Lock by Hawx, but Saturn tries to slam his way out but fails and falls
back down. Nice idea. Hawx completely botches his outside to inside moonsault
and misses Saturn entirely. “You f’d up” – he really did. Overhead belly to
belly hits hard by Saturn, followed by a perfect Sitout spinebuster. Hawx
regains some momentum with a Regal cutter (remember that?). Saturn quickly
comes back with a DVD, but Hawx hooks him in a triangle hold-esque submission
for the tapout, much to the dismay of the crowd.
WINNER – Luke Hawx
VERDICT – This match never really got going. Probably should
have been shorter considering Saturn’s fatigue. Saturn can still hit a nice
suplex, but he seems to have lost his flow and pacing. Let’s hope that comes
back over time. The tapout finish was far too quick. As soon as the hold was
locked in, Saturn tapped.
Blue Balls (Meanie & Balls) Vs. Da Lost Boys AKA 2 Local
One of ‘Da Lost Boys’ is a small Oompa Loompa looking fella
with a mic, and a shirt with either Arnie or Del Rio on (or neither – cut me
some slack, I’m British). The other has long bright pink hair. Oompa pours a
trashcan full of broken glass on to the mat for a pop. They want a Tapei
deathmatch. Da Lost Boys cover their fists in broken glass in preparation.
Balls agrees and calls for some tape. A hilarious “Where’s the glue? Where’s
the tape?!” chant breaks out. Things take too long and the Lost Boys attack the
two from behind. Not much luck, though, as it ends with the Balls punches.
Shattered dreams by Balls on Oompa. Balls begins piercing Oompa with a shard of
glass, but no blood by the looks of things. Huge sitout powerbomb by Meanie on
Pinky. Headbutt with broken glass by Balls on Oompa – that looked harsh! It’s
now chair time.. BANG. And BANG. Both men taken out with stiff shots that now
looks crazy in the day and age of PG wrestling, and receives our first faecal chant
of the evening. Balls stacks the two up, and Meanie comes off the ropes with a
FAT MAN SPLASH (thanks Scott!) for the win!
WINNERS – Blue Balls
VERDICT – Just your generic ECW garbage style match. Kept
short and sweet (much alike Da Lost Boys), so it was fine. And it popped the
crowd, so it did its job. A ‘positive’ seems too strong for this, though, so it’s
getting a neutral.
‘The Neon Ninja’ Façade Vs. Bestia 666
Never seen Façade but it’s a cool gimmick. He tags fan’s
signs on his entrance. Quite a cool idea. Get the impression it would have been
a lot more over 10 years ago, but still. Bestia takes him down quickly in to a
half boston, but Façade quickly reaches the ropes. ECW lucha spot/stand-off
receives a good reaction from the crowd, and it was well done, too. The two
shake hands but Bestia takes Façade down to the mat. Springboard backflip
armdrag by Façade, quickly in to a headstand headscissors out of the corner. Action
spills to the outside with a plancha tease by Façade, but it’s Bestia that ends
up scoring with a Hurricanrana off the apron! Bestia slowly pulls out a table
and Façade clocks him. Bestia cuts off a Façade comeback with an awesome cradle
bomb, then brings in a chair. Façade spinkicks it out of his hands, though. Façade
sends him back to the outside and follows him out with an awesome double step sommersault
springboard plancha! Big ‘ECW’ chant. Façade sets up an open chair in the ring and
looks for a triple jump, but Bestia cuts him off. Façade walks the top rope but
Bestia launches the chair at him in a cool spot. Bestia then nails him with a ‘Sky
twister press’ as the crowd chant ‘This is awesome!’. Bestia brings in the table.
The Neon Ninja sits Bestia on the top turnbuckle and goes for a move through
the table, but Bestia pushes him off. Façade somehow manages to backflip out of
it and over the table! Façade rejoins him back on the top, but it’s Bestia that
wins it with the Spanish Fly through a table!
WINNER – Bestia 666
VERDICT – Match of the night so far, and the closest to
resembling a traditional ECW match I’d say. Both guys looked good, and they
have to use Façade again..
FBI (Guido & Mamaluke) Vs. BLKOUT (Ruckus & Jeez)
BLKOUT attack FBI from behind and double team Mamaluke. The
brawl spills to the outside where Mamaluke comes off the top with a massive
sommersault plancha! Signiture FBI double elbow gets a 2. Frequent tags from
FBI keep Jeez at bay. Mamaluke hits about 20 elbows to the arm in what could
become a fun trademark. Jeez catches a break and tags in Ruckus, who hits the
Razzle Dazzle for 2. It’s now BLKOUT with the frequent tags. Crowd chant for
Jeez to pull his pants up, so he does the opposite and takes them off! Funny.
BLKOUT would have definitely been prime New Jack bait back in the day. Mamaluke
swings and completely misses in a funny FBI spot. His fortunes eventually
change when he hits a dropkick on an airborne Jeez for the hot-tag. A sloppy
spot ends in Mamaluke hooking in a scissored chancery, but Jeez comes off the
top with a stomp to the face as Ruckus rolls through for the victory.
VERDICT – Nice start, nice ending (well, apart from how they
got in to the spot..) but went to sleep in the middle a little.
BLKOUT cuss down the crowd, as Natural Born Killa hits. It’s
New Jack time! FBI assist in taking Jeez over to a nearby balcony and placing
him on a table. Jack runs off the balcony with a 187, but the table doesn’t
break! Crowd chant ‘ECW!’, but this isn’t enough for Jack. He heads back up the
balcony and this time hits a textbook (yes, really) elbow drop off it,
successfully breaking the table this time! He then gets back in the ring and
does the usual New Jack promo that should always be about 5 minutes shorter
than it actually was. Then, in the strangest moment of the night, New Jack
brings in a little kid from the crowd to taunt with him. Some sort of
extreme/PG compromise? Fun moment.
Out comes Raven who cuts a heel promo on the extreme
audience on how you can’t recreate the old days, and how they don’t understand
the ingredients that made up ECW. Pretty funny. He leaves, but Stevie cuts him
off and backs him in to the ring once again. Richards says they’re going to
have a loser leaves Extreme Rising match, but it’ll be tonight.
Raven Vs. Stevie Richards (Loser leaves ER match)
Raven backs Stevie in to the corner and rains punches. Out
come ‘the new Flock’ and attack Richards, as Raven scarpers. Richards takes the
mic and tells the crowd they’ll never see Raven again..
WINNER – No contest
VERDICT – Not sure what that was, really. Just a little
confusing. Guess it could lead to a rematch next show, perhaps.
Devon Storm Vs. Sabu (Extreme Rising World Title tournament –
First Round)
These two go back as far as 1995.. Should be a good bout.
Storm starts off with the upper hand and keeps on top of Sabu with strikes and
stomps. Sabu with a nice springboard leg lariat and near fall. Camel Clutch.
Storm with the strikes to takeover once again, and leans Sabu’s head against
the ring post and drives his boot in to his face – nice variation. Air Sabu
across the guardrail gets another ‘ECW!’ chant, and rightly so! Sabu over and
out with the sommersault slingshot. It’s amazing he can still do this stuff..
Harsh as hell sommersault legdrop in to the ring gets another close fall. But
it’s Storm who definitively has control. Sabu fights back with a head of steam,
but Storm nails him with a  variation on
the ‘Sky High’, but with a side sitout. Storm ups the ante with a chair slid in
to the ring. Not only that, he breaks up part of the guardrail and sets it up
between some chairs.. uh oh! Air Sabu in the corner misses. Northern Lights
suplex with a chair on Sabu’s back gets a very close fall, and a big reaction!
Storm then drops Sabu over the guardrail – no hands down nonsense from Sabu!
Storm then lays Sabu out on the guardrail/chairs setup, and planchas him
through it in a crazy bump! Sabu fights back once again and hits an awesome
springboard top rope hurricanrana! “You’ve still got it!” chant the crowd, and I’d
have to agree. Air Sabu connects this time. Arabian Facebuster gets a nearfall.
Sabu decides to get serious and instead do it through a table, and only gets a
2! Triple jump moonsault attempt ends with Sabu getting tripped in to the
chair. Double reverse DDT in to the open chair then gets the win for Devon
Storm, much to the chagrin of the ECW crowd.
WINNER – Devon Storm
VERDICT – Your crazy hardcore battle that made ECW what it
was in the 90’s. Good stuff here from the two, and it’s surprising they can
still compete at this level using the same style. If you’re after psychology,
move on. In fact, don’t bother with this show.. Or probably this review.. Sabu
gets a deserved standing ovation.
Rhino Vs. Homicide (Extreme Rising World Title tournament –
First Round)
This was meant to be Jerry Lynn Vs. Homicide, but Lynn had
to pull out through injury, unfortunately. Shame. Homicide claims ‘Mr. JL is
scared’, referring to his very short-lived WCW gimmick. I actually have a broken
dartboard signed by Jerry as ‘Mr. JL’. True story. It’s worth noting at this
point that Terry Funk was trying to persuade WWE to sign Homicide to WWECW when
it was relaunched.. Would have been interesting to see how that’d panned out. Rhino
looks fantastic, and overpowers Homicide to kick things off, but Homicide
headscissors Rhino to the outside and follows it up with a cannonball through
the ropes! Rhino takes a page out of Homicide’s book and planchas him! Rhino
looks for a top rope piledriver but Homicide pushes him off the top to the
outside. He teases another dive but flips the crowd off and drops a double axe
instead. Perfect ECW heat there. Back in the ring and Homicide slows Rhino down
with a chinlock as the crowd rally behind the monster, but it’s a false
comeback much to Homicide’s delight. Exchange of blows brings out the ‘YEAH/BOO’s.
Rhino goes for a TKO, Homicide counters in to a cutter, but Rhino reverses that
in to a side belly to belly! He looks for the Gore, but Homicide finally nails
him with the cutter. 2 count only! Gringo Killer attempt is reversed in to a
very sudden Gore by Rhino for the win.
WINNER – Rhino
VERDICT – No problems here at all. Homicide knows how to
work the ECW crowd, and Rhino was looking good. Nice back and fourth match that
didn’t lean too heavily on the hardcore style and thus offered something a
little different.
Matt Hardy w/ Reby Sky Vs. ‘The Franchise’ Shane Douglas
Douglas does a Douglas promo talking about how they ain’t
layin’ down for anybody, and that includes Vince and ‘bimbo Dixie’. Always set
your sights high, I guess.. Both guys look in better shape than they have done.
A modest technical exchange opens things. Reby Sky is hot as hell and is nearly
falling out of her top. Worth a mention. Douglas changes the flow with a shortarm
clothesline. Douglas throws Hardy to the outside, but Hardy quickly hooks
Douglas’ leg and drags him out with him. Douglas sent in to the guardrail. Any
time anyone hits the guardrails it sounds like they’ve being shot, which, I
guess is a positive. The action goes in to the crowd now. They move over to the
concession stand as Hardy drops a trashcan over Douglas. The Franchise then
dunks Hardy in to a trashcan full of ice and beverages and begins mopping up
the spilled liquid! Back in the ring and Hardy goes for a Twist of Fate, but
Douglas reverses in to an unsuccessful Pittsburgh Plunge attempt. Douglas is
now busted open (first bit of colour of the night, surprisingly). Meanwhile,
Reby runs backstage and drags a ladder down, and the crowd approve. Hardy bats
Douglas a few times with the huge ladder. Hardy then ascends the ladder, but
Douglas tips it sideways sending Hardy throat first on to the top rope. Ref
gets a load of grief for removing the ladder. Hardy then hits the Raven-esque
droptoe hold in to an open chair. Reby then hands Hardy a table. I love this
woman.. Hardy sets up Douglas on the table, but here comes Luke Hawx who pushes
him off the top to the floor! This is where Hardy really lands badly and an
ambulance was called soon after.. The run-ins begin as Saturn, Homicide, and
Balls follow. It looks like they’re going for a ‘New Blood’ (no, not you Russo)
angle here. Enter Sandman hits! Here comes a fat Sandman in a weird white
jumper! He enters and canes the new blood, but Homicide had managed to avoid
the drunken onslaught. As Sandman leaves, Homicide re-enters the ring and
batters a bloody Franchise. The crowd now realise Hardy’s legit injured and the
place is pretty quiet, understandably. Sandman comes back to the ring and he
and Homicide face-off. Saturn re-enters, spins Homicide round and nails him.
Sandman then delivers his trademark cane shot! Douglas picks up Homicide, and powerbombs
him through a ringside table.
Douglas picks up the mic and puts Hardy over as being the
new face of the company as the show goes off the air.
WINNER – No contest
VERDICT – I liked this bout. It was a nice hybrid of
traditional wrestling, brawling, hardcore, and the ECW main event run-ins. I
wouldn’t object to seeing Douglas compete again, and it definitely looks as
though Hardy’s sticking around, which is a good sign. Also glad to hear he’s ok
after what looked a very awkward fall.
OVERALL – This was overall a decent show. I was encouraged
by the new blood that Douglas has bought in. But at the end of the day, it just
depends on whether you were a fan of the original product or not, as this won’t
change any opinions. Saying that, if you’re tired with the current WWE product,
it might just be enough of an alternative to get some sort of enjoyment out of
it. The potential’s definitely there, but it’s going to take a bit of time for
the characters to develop.
Follow Dan Selby @FNBODYSLAMS

ECW: Extreme Music, Volume 1

As some of you know, in addition to writing about wrestling here, I also periodically review music over at Inside Pulse. Normally, I never like to mingle the two. But recently I was thinking about wrestling-themed music releases. On normal circumstances, music themed from wrestling doesn’t really work as regular music for me. There are old WWF themes that I love, but I would never put them on my iPod or anything. There is one exception to that, though. In 1998 ECW released their hopefully-titled Extreme Music, Volume One. Mostly comprised of cover versions of ECW theme songs, this album has the kind of replay value that most other wrestling-related music never reaches.

In his book Fargo Rock City, Chuck Klosterman makes brief mention of the wrestling/heavy metal cross pollination and gives props to Extreme Music for the quality of its covers. Two of the heaviest hitters cover Metallica. Most are familiar with Motorhead’s version of “Enter Sandman”. That’s right, The Sandman beat HHH to the punch in having a Motorhead theme. This version still makes the rounds on YouTube to OG metalheads who weren’t familiar with ECW, it seems. Lemmy’s vocals add a little crunch and grime to the most radio-polished of Metallica’s early work, which serves them well. The prayer in the bridge sounds particularly sinister with Lemmy’s whiskey-tinted growl. However, the riff loses a little luster with Motorhead’s more stripped down guitar attack; a lot of James Hetfield’s signature fatness and depth in his rhythm playing gets aggregated into a grungy mess. Also covering early Metallica are their old buddies in Anthrax, this time tackling “Phantom Lord”. This was actually a B-side to the “Inside Out” import single they had released that year, so ECW just got the leftovers. Still, it’s a smart move for Anthrax to take on a track from Metallica’s early fantasy-lyric-laden thrash days. Definitely something more up Anthrax’s alley, and they go at it with full force and a stripped down production that gives it the immediacy and tone of an old vinyl 7-inch. This one was one that I think got cycled around a few different ECW people but it represented Mike Awesome on the album.

Other metal legends get covered to more mixed results. Muscadine (a side project of psych-folk solo artist Jonathan Wilson) do a lackadaisical cover of AC/DC’s “Big Balls”, the inimitable theme song of Balls Mahoney. Rather than attempt to mimic the late great Bon Scott’s voice, a fool’s errand for anyone including Brian Johnson himself, Wilson adopts the bored ennui of a joyless socialite and delivers all the ballroom puns as deadpan as Steven Wright himself. It’s an interesting choice, and in some ways I might even prefer that version. Rob Van Dam’s theme of “Walk” by Pantera gets a much less capable remake, by the Rhode Island band Kilgore. While they get brownie points for naming their band after a Kurt Vonnegut character, they do no justice to the Pantera original. While I certainly grasp that not just anyone can shred like Dimebag, the solo in Kilgore’s version is completely half-assed and lacking any any fretboard pyrotechnics. Even the uneven phrasing that Phil Anselmo deploys in the original is evened out by Kilgore’s frontman. If their intent was to turn one of the all time classic grind anthems into a radio-friendly unit shifter, Kilgore succeeded. Justin Credible wasn’t one of the most beloved ECW workers by any stretch but quite a few people seemed to be enamored with “Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck”, by industrial cult-favorites Prong. While Kilgore did “Walk” a disservice by polishing a gritty classic, Australian band Grinspoon actually put their stamp on “Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck” by not attempting to imitate Tommy Victor’s grunting vocal style. In its place the clanky industrial of Prong’s original turns into a pop-metal gem.

Speaking of Pantera: before the formation of Damageplan, Dimebag Darrell, Vinnie Paul, and Rex Brown splintered off from Anselmo to form the side project Tres Diablos, featuring Dime on vocals. Their sole recorded work was their reworking of “Heard it On The X” by ZZ Top, representing Francine on this CD. Think the southern-fried version of thrash favored by bands like Alabama Thunderpussy and REO Speeddealer and you’ve got an idea of what these Cowboys From Hell got to do when they let their Texas roots show. It fit them well and it’s a shame that they never recorded any more tunes in that vein before moving on to more butt-metal pastures. Another 90s band goes back even further than ZZ Top, as Monster Magnet covers The MC5’s classic “Kick Out The Jams” for Axl Rotten. Monster Magnet’s syrupy stoner-metal style doesn’t quite jibe with the proto-punk of MC5, but it’s a hard song to get wrong (even Presidents of the United States of America did it well, albeit by changing the lyrics and speeding it up to double time).

One last cover on this album is the standout track: as given to Bam Bam Bigelow, Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden fame does a take on The Scorpions’ “The Zoo”. Trent Reznor famously said of Johnny Cash’s version of “Hurt” “It doesn’t belong to me anymore,” and that’s how I feel about The Scorp’s tale of debauchery and fear at Berlin’s Banhof Zoo. It might have come from a personal place for them, but where it was all cheese metal sheen in the original, Bruce amplifies the bluesy swing in the riff and unleashes the voice, his unparalleled bleacher-reaching howl over the chorus. Klaus Meine has a similarly big voice but when it comes to metal vocals, you DON’T win that arms race with Bruce fucking Dickinson. Without having to compete with the riffage in Maiden, and able to go back to the blues roots that all NWOBHM heavyweights sprung from, Bruce sounds like he’s having unadulterated fun on this track, and it must be heard.

Of course not all the songs on this record are covers. White Zombie’s “El Phantasmo and the Chicken Run Blast-O-Rama (Wine, Women, and Song remix)” was Lance Storm’s theme for years. It originally appeared on their remix album Supersexy Swingin’ Sounds, and if you’re familiar with any of the electronic-influenced remixes of Rob Zombie’s music, you know about where this one stands. It’s still one of the standout tracks from the 90s classic Astrocreep 2000, so it comes off well here. Megadeth chimed in with an instrumental version of their track “Trust” for Jerry Lynn. I actually prefer this instrumental version to the original. While the original has a very different tone, with Dave Mustaine singing about “my body, your body” and just generally trying to sound intimate (and Mustaine trying to be sexy is not a mental image I’m comfortable with AT ALL), the instrumental reveals the guitar track that sounds like a score for an epic battle in a fantasy film.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the bookends to this album, Harry Slash & The Slashtones originals. “This Is Extreme!” is the ECW Theme song any real ECW fan remembers well, and it serves as an intro here much as it did on Hardcore TV. It’s a great atmospheric track but without the images of Tommy Dreamer waffling Raven with a chair and the like it doesn’t have the same effect. Sabu’s “Huka Blues” theme closes out the album. The Arabian vibe, the haunting saxophone, and the monster-plod riff all play together really well, making one of the very scarce original theme songs in ECW their best (I’d take this any day over “Total Elimination”). That even today Bully Ray’s TNA theme sounds like a mashup of his old Dudleyz theme and “Huka Blues” speaks to the lasting influence of Harry Slash’s original.

So there you have it. Twelve songs from ECW during its early days of PPV and expanded TV presence. A few years later, they followed up with the much less interesting Extreme Music Vol. 2: Anarchy Rocks, but that one was mainly filled with drab nu-metal that didn’t correspond with most ECW entrance themes. Not much of ECW’s side merchandise was worth its salt (I’m thinking here of their terrible video games and hideous action figures) but Extreme Music, Vol. 1 tied into the excellent musical tradition that ECW brought to North American wrestling and cemented its place as the only wrestling album worth listening to, in my book.

The Dark Knight: Extreme Rules


On many occasions you’ve mocked the WWE booking by asking why they couldn’t produce a monster heel the way that Christopher Nolan did.  In doing so, I think you miss the point.  We had it.  And it was awesome.  You even said so… until the finish you didn’t like.  But let me recap the Cena/Lesnar feud, only using the names of DC people to show you the movie you got.


Batman {John Cena} has just been vanquished in an Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny against Superman {The Rock}.  The citizens of Gotham {The WWE Universe} see Superman as their hero and begin to question whether Batman is even necessary.  Even Batman is left with doubt.  And at this moment, enter Bane {Brock Lesnar}, who swoops in and, in full view of the public, delivers a first-rate beating to Batman.  Here comes a new monster criminal, and he dispatched of Batman like Batman wasn’t even there.The fans begin to think: if only Superman were still around.  But Superman is off to Metropolis {Hollywood} to make sure Lex Luthor {Uwe Boll} doesn’t start any evil.
Bane is ready to begin his reign of terror, but every time he starts to begin mayhem, Batman is right back, doing what he can to hold him off.  Then, with a single shot, Bane makes Batman bleed.  Batman loses his cool and rushes Bane, and it takes every single Gotham police officer {the WWE locker room} to restore order after the resulting stalemate.  However, Bane makes one thing clear to Batman: Bane was holding back.
As weeks go by, we see less of Batman’s might and more of Bane’s.  He begins to taunt Batman {“I’m an asskicker”}, leaving the Gothamites thinking their hero is past it.  The mental toll gets so bad that a lesser thug {Tensai} actually gets away with his crime after he and his minions {Sakamoto} defeat Batman in a fight.  Gotham is stunned; their hero has lost it.  And Superman?  Nowhere to be found.  Gotham is doomed.
At Wayne Manor, Bruce is sitting in a chair, head in his hands, mentally broken.  He’s trying to write off Bane as being too big a threat for one man, justifying to himself that the city’s villains should win.  Just as all is lost, he receives a visitor from his past: Nightwing {Edge}.  Nightwing berates Bruce for losing heart, reminding him of all the trouble Bruce helped him through in recovering from the past.  He reminds Batman — never calling him Bruce Wayne, even at Bruce’s insistence — that Bane must be stopped for the good of the city.  And that even when the rest of Gotham has abandoned him, Nightwing knows Batman can do it. 
Silently, Bruce Wayne rises and puts his cowl back on.  He arrives at City Hall just as Bane is demanding control of the city from Commissioner Gordon’s deputy {John Laurinaitis}.  With one appearance, he declares that there will be no ransom, no plunder, and no blackmail.  He WILL destroy Bane and restore peace to Gotham.  Bane challenges him to a fight at sundown {Extreme Rules}.
Sundown arrives, and as Batman marches to the appointed place, Bane strikes from nowhere and knocks Batman into the wall, reprising the bloody shot from earlier.  Throughout the fight, Bane dominates, but his insistence on trying to cripple Batman means that he never hits the killshot.  Every time Bane is certain he has Batman beat, Batman stands back up and asks for more.  In the end, Bane’s arrogance gets the best of him.See, during the final fight, Batman’s utility belt flies off.  Bane has it in his hands — all of Batman’s weapons — and tosses it aside, certain he doesn’t need it.  Batman uses the distraction to activate a weapon from the belt remotely, which fires into Bane, stunning him.  Batman then musters up enough for one final coup de grace… and as it lands, both men are down.  Batman slowly sits up; Bane doesn’t.
Gotham police arrive on the scene, cleaning up the mess.  They’re followed by curious onlookers.  Bane is placed in cuffs and hauled off to Arkham.  The police call for an ambulance to tend to Batman… but with a pithy one-liner, Batman brushes them off and hobbles to the Batmobile.  The job is done.  Roll credits.
Seriously, Scott, how was that a bad movie?  Because Bane lost?  That seemed to be your major complaint.  You wanted Batman to lose a Batman movie.  Was that all?

You’re wacky.  But I really enjoyed your font.  

Extreme Rules Buyrate In

147K domestic, 109K international, for a total of 257K.  Last year’s show did 210K total, so Brock = 50,000 buys or about 2 million dollars in added revenue give or take.  Everyone involved should be VERY happy with that result.

On the flipside, the Wrestlemania buys continue to trickle in, and WWE very quietly revised their initial count of 1.3 million nearly 100,000 buys downwards, to 1.2 million instead.  So they don’t break the record, and in this case 100,000 buys is basically an entire B-show’s worth of revenue, so that’s a pretty major adjustment down. Could go lower when the official numbers come out next month, too.  

Grantland article on Extreme Rules
I think he rambles way too much in all his articles, goes on too many tangents and doesn't really use the space to enhance the theme of the articles, it's still decent enough on a relatively mainstream site (ESPN fueled subsite)

Yeah, the Grantland stuff is usually really well done, and I liked this one too.  

The X Review: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

WWE Extreme Rules 2012
April 29th, 2012
Allstate Arena, Rosemont, Illinois
Attendance: 14,817

So Scott’s motto seems to be the more Brock the better and I haven’t put
anything up since the ROH iPPVs over ‘Mania weekend, so I figured I’d
post up the review I did for this show being that it’s getting so much
praise. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any bigger than
Rock/Cena at Wrestlemania last month, here we are less than a month
later with the in-ring wrestling return of newly returned Brock Lesnar
against John Cena in our main event tonight in an Extreme Rules match.
Throw in several Wrestlemania rematches like Sheamus/Bryan,
Jericho/Punk, and Kane/Orton that all have gimmicks and look to get
time, and this looks like a pretty solid show on paper. We’re in smark
haven Chicago tonight (or Rosemont, rather) and this show has been
highly anticipated since Lesnar’s post-Mania return, so let’s get under
way with the pre-show streaming live on YouTube.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Matt Striker

Pre-Show WWE United States Title Match
Santino Marella
© vs. The Miz
I know it’s old news at this point but boy has Miz fallen down the card.
He comes out with a mic before the match to complain about being on the
pre-show this year when he main evented this show last year is
interrupted by Santino before he can get his catch-phrase out. Santino
low-bridges Miz to start and sends him out of the ring. Miz narrowly
avoids the Cobra back inside and bails for a breather. He boots Santino
in the face and then follows up with a high knee. Running clothesline in
the corner from Miz and he follows with a double axe handle off the top
for a two count. He knees Santino over the apron but gets caught with a
shot to the gut on his way back into the ring. Santino starts his
comeback, hitting the splits before following with the hip-toss/diving
headbutt combo. Santino tries for The Cobra but Miz blocks it. Miz
misses a clothesline in the corner and Santino nails him with the Cobra
to retain at 4:39. Your typical quickie pre-show match here, but
Santino always does a good job to get the fans fired up to start the
show. Poor Miz. *1/2

Backstage during the pre-show we see Eve Torres and Teddy Long
alongside Cody Rhodes and Big Show and an EXTREME roulette wheel (all
rights reserved, JD Dunn) to pick what stipulation their IC title match
will have later. Teddy spins the wheel and it lands on a Tables Match.
Now onto the main show.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Booker T

Falls Count Anywhere Match
Randy Orton vs. Kane

of brawling to start from these two as Kane sends Orton to the floor
early for a near fall on the floor. Kane grabs a lead pipe from under
the ring but Orton cuts him off in the ring before he can use it and
then grabs it and nails Kane with it a few times, bumping him back out
to the floor. Both men start brawling into the crowd now, which you knew
was coming. Orton knees Kane against a barricade for his own two count
and the crowd’s strongly behind him here. Kane bodyslams him on the
concrete and then hits a nice running dropkick for two. They make their
way out of the crowd over to the entrance ramp now where Orton hits a
dropkick of his own on the concrete. Kane blocks an RKO attempt with a
big boot. Both men begin brawling backstage now and I’m having
flashbacks to your standard Attitude Era brawl. Backstage Zack Ryder
pops up out of nowhere to jump Kane, though his punches only serve as a
distraction for Orton to give him a backbreaker and don’t actually do
any damage. Kane tosses Orton into a series of steel pipes and then
slams him into a doorway. Finally they make heir way back to the ring
and “YES!” chants break out with every blow Randy delivers. Kane
no-sells a clothesline but eats a powerslam. Orton grabs a steel chair
and waffles Kane with it a half dozen or so times. The action spills
back outside the ring as Randy strips the commentary table before giving
Kane his trademark elevated DDT off of the table, but it only gets a
two count. Kane blocks the RKO again and sends Orton into the steel post
for another hot near fall. Kane tries to go for his top rope
clothesline but Orton crotches him and superplexes him back into the
ring. Kane blocks the RKO for a third time and gives him the chokeslam,
but Orton barely manages to kick out as the crowd really bought into
that near fall. Kane tries for a tombstone on the steel chair, but Orton
wriggles out of his grip and gives him the RKO on the chair for the win
at 16:46. This one took a bit to get going as the first portion
of the match was mainly brawling but once they returned back to ringside
and started trading hot near falls this one picked up in a hurry.
Hopefully this puts an end to this feud, and if so they went out with a
good one. ***1/4

Backstage Eve and John Laurinaitis toast with champagne that
Teddy Long serves them. Teddy’s ridiculously oversized name-tag is
pretty funny. Johnny answers a cell phone call from Triple H after the
toast and takes off to talk privately.

“The Funkasaurus” Brodus Clay vs. Dolph Ziggler
match time, but what a freaking waste of the pure money that is Ziggler.
Big “Let’s Go Ziggler!” chant starts up from the smarks. Jack Swagger
is outside the ring and briefly distracts Clay long enough for Dolph to
dropkick him out the ring and allow Swagger to give him a football
tackle behind the ref’s back. Ziggler applies his sleeper hold back in
the ring but Clay tosses him off eventually. Clay blocks a suplex with a
gourdbuster and blocks the sleeper hold again with a stiff headbutt
before finishing Ziggler off with the What the Funk splash at 4:17.
Unless they plan on pushing Clay to the upper midcard and into the main
event (not likely), I hate that they just fed Ziggler to him like he
was a jobber. Clay is quickly starting to outstay his welcome and the
crowd was not into him at all here, chanting for Ziggler the entire
match. *

WWE Intercontinental Title Tables Match
Big Show
© vs. Cody Rhodes
domination from Show to start as usual, airing Cody out with a huge
back body drop that might have legit sent him 10 feet into the air and
out to the floor. Show sets up a table outside the ring and then beal
tosses Cody like a sack of potatoes. Show sets up another table in a
corner in the ring but when he tries to toss Cody through it, he leaps
off it and nails Show with a knee. Show continues the beatdown on Cody
outside the ring before tossing yet another table into the ring. He
slips on the apron while trying to get back into the ring though and out
of instinct puts his foot back on a table set up near the apron to
break his fall, putting his foot through the table. Show looks like he
just stepped on a priceless heirloom as the ref calls for the bell,
giving Cody the win and the IC title back at 4:36. After the
match Show spears Cody and chokeslams him through a table before press
slamming him out of the ring through ANOTHER table. While I’m not a fan
of this feud, they worked this match perfectly as Cody gets the title
back in a fluke after Show dominated the entire match. That last table
bump from Cody was nasty as well. *3/4

Daniel Bryan is backstage with Matt Striker. The three reasons
Bryan is going to win his match tonight? 1: Bryan gets more chicks than
Sheamus. 2: Bryan’s beard is far manlier than Sheamus’ will ever be, and
3: his stomach isn’t full of corned beef. Bryan takes a shot at the
Chicago crowd by saying they think too highly of themselves before
leading them in a “YES!” chant. A sulking AJ watches on in the shadows
as Bryan walks off. Perhaps a bit of foreshadowing?

World Heavyweight Title 2/3 Falls Match
© vs. Daniel Bryan
minutes or bust damnit. Sheamus is rocking a spiffy new “18 Seconds”
t-shirt. Nice feeling out process to start with both men locking up and
Sheamus nearly hits the Brogue Kick early. Sheamus catches Bryan right
on his shoulders and hits the Finlay roll for a near fall. He rolls
through a roll-up attempt from Bryan right into a nice Texas Clover Leaf
submission as Bryan is barely able to get the rope break. Bryan
back-flips out of the corner and hits a big clothesline on Sheamus
before dropkicking him out to the floor. He tries the running knee off
the apron but Sheamus catches him and dumps him spine-first into the
barricade. Back in the ring Bryan works a variation of a bow and arrow
hold on Sheamus and then goes all Destroyer on his ass by bending and
twisting his fingers while he’s in the hold. That’s old-school right
there. Bryan transitions into a hammerlock and then hits the Irishman
with another dropkick. Stiff European uppercuts from Bryan and he chokes
Sheamus over the second rope much to the referee’s chagrin (he has
until five, didn’t you know?). Sheamus starts to catch his second wind
now, nailing Bryan with a high knee lift before laying in the ten
hammer-fists on Bryan in-between the ropes. Fallaway slam gets Sheamus a
two count but he looks a bit gassed. Bryan tries for a top-rope
frankensteiner but Sheamus holds on as Bryan crashes to the mat and then
nails him with a diving shoulder-block off the top for another near
fall. Bryan avoids a suplex attempt from the apron and low-bridges
Sheamus back out of it. He sets up for a tope but Sheamus cuts him off
with a forearm. Bryan rolls through the Celtic Cross for another near
fall and then tries for the YES! Lock, but Sheamus fights it off before
getting sent shoulder-first into the steel post. Bryan goes right to
work on the shoulder now, slamming it repeatedly into the post. Bryan
goes crazy kicking Sheamus in the shoulder while he’s caught in the
ropes and won’t stop despite the ref’s five count, so the ref winds up
DQing him to give Sheamus the first fall at about 14:39, which the crowd doesn’t like much.

Bryan doesn’t seem to mind the DQ as the damage has been done to the
shoulder and he goes right for the YES! Lock. Sheamus can’t quite make
it to the ropes but he won’t tap out either, so Bryan just cranks away
on the hold until Sheamus presumably passes out. The ref calls for the
bell and awards Bryan the second fall via stoppage at 16:39, evening the match at one fall apiece.

Bryan leads the crowd in some glorious “YES!” chanting while a
trainer comes into the ring to check on Sheamus. Eventually the Celtic
Warrior wakes up and nods that he’s ready for the third fall. Bryan
charges in on him but Sheamus nails him with an awkward Brogue Kick out
of the corner. Sheamus takes too long to cover him though and Bryan
kicks out at two. Sheamus is still favoring his shoulder so Bryan goes
back to targeting it with kicks before he NAILS Sheamus in the temple
with a stiff kick for another hot near fall. Both men jockey for
position on the top rope until Bryan sends Sheamus off and tries for a
huge diving headbutt, but Sheamus avoids it at the last second and then
gives him the Irish Curse backbreaker. Sheamus hits Bryan with another
Brogue Kick and that’s enough to get the pin and the decisive fall to
retain at 22:56. Finally these two get to work a long match and
what do ya know, they deliver an absolute war. Great heat, smart
psychology, and they managed to put over the heel cunning of Bryan while
still making Sheamus look like a total badass, this was the intense
encounter we all wanted at Wrestlemania. Excellent match. ****

Handicap Match
Ryback vs. Aaron Relic/Jay Hatton

Another EXTREME bonus squash, goodie. Huge Goldberg chant for Ryback to
start as he has not one, but two jobbers to squash tonight. He
completely dismantles both of the dorks obviously. He does hit a neat
backpack chinbreaker before finishing with his stomping Samoan Drop at 1:51.
The whole jobber squashing thing has gotten old pretty quickly to be
honest, but atleast Ryback threw something new into his usual three or
four moves. The Great Khali and Santino watched on from backstage
laughing at this whole thing by the way, if you cared. 1/4*

Matt Striker is with CM Punk. Nice mini pop for him here as he promises
to put Jericho to sleep in their match in front of 20,000 of his
closest friends. Little under 15,000, but close enough Punk.

WWE Title Chicago Street Fight Match
CM Punk
© vs. Chris Jericho
Punk’s family is in attendance tonight in the front row apparently, and
he’s rocking an awesome new Misfits-inspired t-shirt. Both guys are
rocking jeans in old-school street fight fashion, which is a nice touch.
Total brawl to start just as you’d expect and Punk grabs a kendo stick
early which brings out a surprisingly loud “ECW!” chant. Punk gets some
licks in but then Jericho nabs it from him and gets some of his own in
as well before dropkicking Punk out to the floor. Jericho sends Punk
into the time-keeper’s section and lays in some lefts and rights. They
brawl back into the ring where Punk misses his trademark Muay Thai knee
in the corner and tumbles nastily out to the floor. Jericho starts
pounding on Punk right in front of his sister, trash talking her, when
she slaps him right in the face. Jericho tries to get a piece of her but
Punk makes the save and flips out on him, tossing the covers off the
commentary tables and then bodyslamming Jericho through one of them as
if it were a table. That was a brutal outburst from Punk, because as
everyone knows, you don’t fuck with a man’s sister. Jericho blocks a
piledriver attempt with a back body drop. Jericho grabs another one of
the other table covers and shatters the wood over Punk’s back before
tossing him back into the ring for a near fall. Punk fires off a big
backdrop suplex and then hangs Jericho over the top rope. He tries to
springboard back into the ring but slips slightly and Jericho grabs a
kendo stick and goes to town on him. He grabs a beer from under the ring
and spills it out on Punk. He grabs another one and takes a swig but
now Punk’s got his second wind and he’s armed with a kendo stick. He
nails Jericho with it between his knees and then hits a nice swinging
neckbreaker. Muay Thai knee/bulldog combo from Punk and then he tries
for the GTS, but Jericho escapes and tries for the Walls of Jericho,
which Punk escapes out of and counters with a powerslam. Both men jockey
for position on the top rope until Punk knocks Jericho off and then
hits the Macho Man elbow for another hot near fall. Jericho hits a
bulldog and tries for the Lionsault, but Punk catches him and tries for
the GTS again, which Jericho once again escapes from. Jericho sends Punk
face first into a steel chair set up in the corner and then rolls him
up for two. Jericho fires off a desperate Codebreaker on Punk and then
locks him into the Walls of Jericho, but it’s a street fight so there’s
no rope breaks. Punk has to improvise and grab a fire extinguisher from
underneath the ring, spraying it in Jericho’s face. Punk kicks Jericho
out of the ring onto the Spanish announcer’s table, so Punk goes to the
top rope and hits the Macho Man elbow all the way to Jericho through the
table! He nearly slipped on that (sick) spot but saved himself. Back in
the ring Punk tries for the pin but Jericho kicks out, so Punk locks
him into the Anaconda Vice! Jericho is writhing in pain but manages to
grab a nearby kendo stick and batter Punk with it three times to break
up the submission. Punk grabs a chair but Jericho blasts it right back
in his face with another Codebreaker. Jericho tries to give Punk his own
GTS, but Punk escapes the hold, sends Jericho into the corner, and
blasts him with the Go to Sleep to pick up the win and retain his title
at 25:14. This one lived up the billing for once as this was just
as brutal and red hot as some of the famous Chicago street fight’s in
years past. Just an absolutely brutal, red hot match with some creative
and killer bumps spread through-out perfectly, this reminded me of some
of the best Attitude Era brawls. ****

Backstage Beth Phoenix wants to wrestle Nikki Bella, but Eve tells her
she’s not medically cleared. The Bellas think they have the night off,
but Eve tells them Nikki still has to wrestle. Don’t worry though, not
against Kharma (rats).

WWE Diva’s Title Match
Nikki Bella
© vs. Layla
And her surprise opponent is a returning Layla, which is so very random.
Layla gets some nice kicks in but Brie trips her up behind the ref’s
back from outside the ring and Nikki targets her surgically repaired
knee. Layla hits a clothesline and then a nifty flying cross body off
the ropes and then they trade sloppy cradles. The twins make the switch
behind the refs back as Brie slides in now but eats a nasty neckbreaker
from Layla and that’s enough to give her the title at 2:28,
ending Nikki Bella’s legendary reign. Obvious piss-break match here,
which there’s nothing wrong with after a brutal street fight. I assume
Layla is just a placeholder until Kharma eats her on RAW one of these
weeks. 3/4*

Extreme Rules Match
John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar

Oh yes, and now for the money match we’ve all been waiting for. Cole
actually does a good job of listing off all of Lesnar’s accomplishments
in the WWE and UFC. Cena charges on Lesnar but Brock takes him down and
starts laying in NASTY stiff elbows on Cena, who’s already bleeding
legit from them now as Brock gives him a stiff clothesline. Well that’s
one hell of a way to start a match. The ref wants to check Cena’s cut
but he’s right back up and grabs a waist-lock on Brock, determined to
out-wrestle the former NCAA champion. Brock lays in some more punches
and the ref finally gets a chance to check on the blood as here come’s
the doctor. For once stopping a match for blood actually works here
though as it just gives Brock time to stew and milk the crowd some more
like a total badass. Cena gets back up and tries to take Lesnar down,
but Lesnar takes him down in his guard and lays in more punches. The
doctor checks on the cut again but Cena fires right back up and gets
Brock up in the AA position, but Brock counters out into a sick German
suplex! He rolls through and delivers another German suplex for good
measure. I’m a firm believer that one can never have enough German
suplexes. Cena manages to take down Brock in a football tackle but also
takes out the ref in the process, and Brock just turns around and
tackles Cena back viciously to the mat. Brock takes it to the next level
by smearing some of Cena’s blood on his chest and even tasting it!
Lesnar starts cranking away on a kimura lock on Cena before tossing him
into the steel post. Brock grabs Cena’s steel chain and wraps it around
Cena’s legs while he knees him in the gut. He tells Cena to get up and
Cena barely does only for Lesnar to take his head off with another
clothesline. Brock manages to tie Cena’s legs and the chain up with the
steel post so that he’s hanging upside down now in the tree of woe
position. Cena manages to escape the predicament and fire off a few
shots at Lesnar, but Brock sends him into the steel steps. Lesnar tosses
the ref back in the ring which gives Cena enough time to catch his
breath and try for the AA again, but Lesnar counters into the F-5! He
knocked the referee out again with Cena’s legs in the delivery of the
move though, so another referee has to sprint down to the ring and of
course only gets a two count. Brock doesn’t like that, so he nails the
referee and then tosses the steel steps into the ring. He locks Cena
back into the nasty kimura lock again on top of the steps now and Brock
is really cranking away on the hold in almost shoot fashion. Cena
manages to counter with a spinebuster onto the steel steps and he tries
for the top rope leg drop, but Brock moves and Cena nearly kills himself
bumping between the mat and the steps. Lesnar just stands on the steps
running in place, taking it all in. Cena manages to get back up to the
apron only for Brock to leap off the steel steps with a flying leg
lariat over the top rope that takes both men nastily to the floor.
There’s that crazy reckless “Yeah I can do a shooting star press, want
to see?” attitude we all loved about him. Brock looks like he might have
tweaked his knee but he just gets right back up and laughs it off.
Lesnar tries for the same leaping leg lariat move off the steps but this
time Cena meets his face directly with his fist wrapped in his steel
chain! Now Lesnar is busted open and Cena is going wild, beating his
chest like a madman. Brock can barely get back to his feet and Cena
gives him the Attitude Adjustment on top of the steel steps as the ref
counts to three and CENA WINS at 17:43. I’ve heard a lot of
outrage on the web about Cena winning here, but Lesnar DESTROYED him for
nearly twenty minutes before Cena got the fluke win and Lesnar isn’t
seen as infallible as he was during his first run/debut.. This was one
of the most brutal flat out fights I’ve seen in a wrestling ring in a
long time, and even had a longtime fan like myself questioning whether
certain spots were “shoot” because they looked so damn real. This was
like an old school UWFi match where two guys would stiff each other so
hard they’d break bones, and to see that kind of a match worked in a WWE
ring in itself was incredible, nevermind all of the crazy heat, the
hard work from both men, how great Lesnar looked, or how great some of
the actual wrestling sequences themselves were. Serious Match of the
Year Candidate. ****3/4

After that war, Cena gets on the mic and is holding his arm, which looks
like it might be legit broken or out of it’s socket. He says that he
might get sent home for speaking his mind, but he doesn’t care. He says
he knows that this is CM Punk’s town but it’s also a wrestling town, and
he’s damn proud to have just fought that war in front of a Chicago
crowd (which gets a monster pop). John says he might have to take a
vacation for what he just did but he doesn’t care because atleast if
he’s going out he’s going out with a bang. For such a smark heavy crowd,
Cena gets another huge pop to end the show and I’d say he was firmly
cheered more than booed tonight in landslide fashion for once. So it
looks as if the WWE’s super secret master plan of slowly rehabilitating
Cena’s image with the 18-34 male demographic by having him become more
and more of a freaking badass is actually working believe it or not.

Bottom Line:
Wow, that was one hell of a show. That was everything Wrestlemania
should have been and more. Don’t get me wrong, ‘Mania was a great show,
but all of the marquee matches here I felt delivered in bigger and
better ways than their counter-parts the month before. You’ve got an
outstanding technical contest with Sheamus and Bryan, a brutal Attitude
Era-like brawl between Jericho and Punk, and a main event so brutal and
unique it has to be seen to be believed. Anytime a show has three ****
matches, that there’s an automatic Thumbs Up in my book. It’ll be
interesting to see where they go with Brock from here though.
Score: 9.5/10

For more of my reviews and an extensive archive of thousands of match ratings from all over the globe check out my blog: X’s Wrestling Review