May 2, 1987
From the Joyce Athletic & Convocation Center in South Bend, IN
Your hosts are Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Vince McMahon
We get promos to hype tonight’s matches which include: “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. George “The Animal” Steele in a Lumberjack Match, British Bulldogs vs. Hart Foundation for the Tag Team Titles in a 2/3 Falls Match, and Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Hercules. Plus, Andre the Giant & Bobby Heenan tells us why Andre really won the title from Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania III and more.
We are shown footage of Ken Patera destroying Bobby Heenan after their debate on “Superstars of Wrestling.”
Kamala w/ Mr. Fuji & Kimchee vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Before the match, Okerlund interviewed Fuji about Kamala’s fear of snakes in an interesting bit. The match starts with Kamala fleeing the ring after Jake dumps Damien on the mat. Kamala then attacks Jake from behind as he was distracted. Jake fights back until he runs into a throat thrust. Kamala grabs a bearhug that Jake is able to escape from. Jake stomps Kamala’s feet then works the arm until Kamala chops him down then chokes Jake out on the mat. Kimchee orders Kamala to attack Jake, who then starts to fight back. Kamala lands a few headbutts then Jake outsmarts him as he catches Kamala with a kneelift. Jake hits another kneelift then signals for the DDT as the crowd goes nuts but Fuji distracts the ref then Kimchee sneaks in the ring and nails Jake in the back of the head as that allows Kamala to hit the splash for the win (4:18) *1/2. After the match, Kimchee takes off his hat then suit as he reveals himself as the Honky Tonk Man, complete in his own suit. Honky beats on Jake before hitting the Shake, Rattle, and Roll. After that, Honky grabs the mic and thanks the fans, who boo him in return.
Thoughts: Having Honky as Kimchee was clever and it kept his feud with Jake hot. Honky was rapidly becoming a top heel in the company at this point. Poor Jake has certainly been jobbing a lot since turning face. He was still insanely over though.
“Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. George “The Animal” Steele
Lumberjacks include: Hart Foundation, British Bulldogs, Can-Am Connection, Danny Davis, Honky Tonk Man, Kimchee, Ricky Steamboat, Hercules, Tito Santana, Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff. Steamboat walks Steele to the ring and while he is inside, Hercules trips him up to sell their match later in the show. Savage starts the match by attacking Steele from behind for licking Elizaberh’s hands. Steele fights back and knocks Savage outside as the heels help him out for a minute. Savage tries to roll out but the faces prevent him. Savage and Steele go back and forth as neither man can gain an advantage until Savage hits an axe handle from the top then sends Steele to the floor, where the heels beat him down until Duggan chases them away with the 2×4 then goes in the ring as the lumberjacks fight with themselves. Duggan gets sent to the locker room then back from break we see Steele headbutt Davis. Back inside, Steele eats a turnbuckle then throws the stuffing at Savage, who comes back with a knee smash. Savage then hits a suplex but shortly after that gets tossed to the floor where Steamboat throws him back into the ring. Steele bites Savage then tosses Savage, who hits Steamboat and that triggers a brawl as Davis sneaks inside and whacks Steele with the bell as Savage hits the flying elbow smash for the win (6:44) **1/4. After the match everyone starts brawling in the ring then Jake Roberts comes out with his ribs taped up and holding Damien as Honky bails but Jake wraps Damien around Kimchee.
Thoughts: The action between the lumberjacks kept this match entertaining as there was always something happening here. This was also billed as possibly the last time Steele would wrestle Savage and see Elizabeth too.
Gene Okerlund is with Andre the Giant and Bobby Heenan, sporting a neckbrace from the attack by Patera, in a pre-taped interview. Andre and Heenan say they were cheated and that the officials always back Hogan and has footage to prove this as they claim the referee counted to three as the camera angle was so that Andre’s body was blocking the view and you could see the arm motions from the referee. Heenan and Andre then demand an investigation. The three count thing is a little weak in terms of building up a rematch but they needed something to go off of while keeping Andre strong so it could have been worse I suppose.
Best of Three Falls
WWF Tag Team Title Match
British Bulldogs vs. Hart Foundation w/ Jimmy Hart & Danny Davis
The crowd goes nuts as Matilda bites Jimmy Hart as Jesse goes off about how the Bulldogs should be in jail for that. Match starts with Davey and Bret going back and forth for a bit. Davey catches Bret with a monkey flip and a crucifix but runs into a knee. Neidhart tags and hammers away as the Hart Foundation cheat behind the referee’s back. The Hart Foundation continues to neutralize Davey until he gets his knees up on a charging Bret. Dynamite makes the tag and picks up Bret by the hair. Clothesline gets two. Snap suplex gets two. Neidhart breaks up another pin attempt then Davis stomps on Davey outside as Tito chases him around then goes in the ring after the bell rings as the Bulldogs win the first fall by DQ due to double-teaming by the Hart Foundation (4:34). The second fall starts with Dynamite getting destroyed. He mounts a brief comeback and tries to make the tag but Neidhart runs in and stops that. He then puts Dynamite in a front facelock as Davey chases Bret and Davis around the ring. Back to the match as Dynamite is busted open and back to getting his ass kicked. Bret misses a charge and that allows Dynamite to make the tag. Davey runs wild and gets a few nearfalls on Neidhart but ducks his head and gets kicked. Neidhart accidentally knocks Bret to the apron then Tito runs in and knocks Davis off of the apron as Davey tags Dynamite and launches him at Neidhart for the pin as the crowd goes berserk, thinking the Bulldogs have won the titles (9:48) **1/2. However, as Jesse laughs on commentary, we learn that you cannot win the title on a DQ, which took place in the first fall so the Hart Foundation retains.
Thoughts: This match was solid and given Dynamite’s injuries was probably the best they could have done. Hart Foundation took care of Dynamite when they were on offense as he did not take any high impact moves. Its also sad to see Dynamite perform is snap suplex at this point, seeing how the move did not have any snap to it at all. This feud continues.
Okerlund is with Hulk Hogan and asks him about wrestling Andre. Hogan talks about how all of the Hulkamaniacs were behind him and calls the comments of Heenan and Andre about an investigation ridiculous but if they want a rematch, they can have one, but they will not strip him of the title.
Hercules w/ Bobby Heenan vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat
Backstage, Savage is shown watching the match on a monitor backstage as he rants about getting his IC Title back, wanting Steamboat to keep the belt so he can personally take it back from him. Hercules works the back until Steamboat comes back with a pair of dropkicks. He sends Hercules outside then hammers away. Back inside, Hercules pulls Steamboat into the ringpost as we get an insert of Savage shown rooting for Steamboat to win. Steamboat fights back and hits a swinging neckbreaker then hammers away until Hercules pokes his eyes and puts on the full nelson. Savage is shown taking off from the monitor as he runs into the ring and pulls Hercules into the ropes as Heenan yells at him. Hercules comes out and stands around as Steamboat is on the mat. Back from break, Hercules heads up top but Steamboat gets his knees up on the splash attempt. Hercules comes back with a slam then misses an elbow drop then a charge. Steamboat fights back with chops until Hercules comes back with an inverted atomic drop. Heenan tosses the chain into the ring as Hercules uses it to choke out Steamboat for the DQ (6:42) **. Hercules continues to choke him as Savage looks conflicted then says that Steamboat’s the winner as he has a few words with Heenan and Hercules as they head backstage. Savage then heads inside to help Steamboat as the ref orders him out but he instead he heads up top and hits the flying elbow smash.
Thoughts: The match itself was fine but they sure didn’t make Steamboat look too strong here as he only retained because of a DQ then took Savage’s finisher after the match.
Okerlund is with Duggan, who is sitting ringside to make sure Volkoff does not sing the Russian National Anthem.
Can-Am Connection vs. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff
Before the match we get a promo from Slick, stating how he is getting down with the Communist Party. Duggan chases Volkoff away as he began to sing then leads the crowd into a pro-USA chant. The match starts with the Can-Ams taking control of the match. Sheik boots Zenk then hits a gutwrench suplex for two. The crowd rallies behind Zenk as Sheik suplexes him around as the heels are isolating Zenk in their corner. Sheik puts Zenk in an abdominal stretch then catches him with a clothesline. The heels then toss the Can-Ams to the floor and attack then Duggan yells at them, eventually hopping the railng and that allows Martel to surprise Volkoff with a reverse rollup for the win (4:45) *1/2. After the match its 3-1 against Duggan after they toss the Can-Ams to the floor. The faces then run off the heels after that.
Thoughts: Basic match that did more to push Duggan than anything else.
Final Thoughts: Not a bad show at all. No memorable matches or anything but the show breezed by and Savage came off looking like a huge star. They also teased a Hogan/Andre rematch and that is huge news as well. This show apparently did a terrible advance at the box office and they added a Hogan & Patera vs. Hercules & Andre match after this show was taped in order to boost ticket sales.
March 14, 1987
From the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI
Your hosts are Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon
The hosts put over the fact that both Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan will be in the 20-Man Battle Royal.
Gene Okerlund is with Hulk Hogan, who doesn’t care how many men are in this battle royal because he is coming after Andre the Giant. Good promo from Hogan.
Recap of George Steele taking Elizabeth away during the last episode of SNME.
Okerlund is with Elizabeth and Savage, who says he is “psyched up” and will hurt Steele real bad as the camera zooms in on Elizabeth, who is worried. Per the rules of the Savage/Steele match, Elizabeth enters the match last as the winner leaves with her as their manager. Savage heads to the ring as Steele comes in and says he will win Elizabeth.
WWF Intercontinental Title Match
Randy “Macho Man” Savage vs. George “The Animal” Steele
Elizabeth comes out with security as Jesse accuses Okerlund of being a “pervert” for checking her out as she walked away. She sits on a lifeguards chair as Savage hits Steele from behind with a double axe handle then takes her to the back but Ricky Steamboat’s music hits as he comes down as Savage retreats. He goes in the ring as he looks at Steamboat but that allows Steele to attack him from behind. Steele roughs up Savage then goes over and bites open the turnbuckle but takes too long as that allows Savage to hit him with a running knee smash from behind. He slams him down and heads up top connecting with a double axe handle. Steele fights back then bites Savage on the arm before using a lifting chokehold. Steele bites open another turnbuckle and throws the stuffing into the face of Savage. Steele heads outside and helps Elizabeth off of the chair but Savage attacks him from behind then slams the chair on him and rolls back inside to get the win via countout (4:30) *. After the match, Steele comes in the ring and hits Savage with the chair before tossing him to the floor. Steele then puts the Intercontinental Title over his shoulder then opens up a poster of Elizabeth.
Thoughts: Not bad for what it was, which was a match filled with smoke and mirrors to further along the Elizabeth/Steele and the Steamboat/Savage stories heading into WrestleMania. It succeeded in doing just that.
An insert promo of Hogan pumping iron yelling out Andre’s name along with others.
20 Man Battle Royal
Hillbilly Jim, “The Outlaw” Ron Bass, Sika, The Islanders, “Leaping” Lanny Poffo, Hercules, “The Natural” Butch Reed, Paul Orndorff, Billy Jack Haynes, Koko B. Ware, Nikolai Volkoff, Blackjack Mulligan, Demolition, The Honky Tonk Man, Killer Bees, Andre the Giant, and Hulk Hogan
Andre blocks Hogan from entering the ring as Hogan shows him the belt. He then finally enters as he tears off his shirt and eggs on Andre but Orndorff attacks him from behind as the match begins. Honky is out first and Hogan dumps him over the top rope. Andre then dumps Sika and fights off Mulligan and Hillbilly before tossing Haku out of the ring. He then drags Poffo by the hair as he tosses him over the top rope. Hogan is halfway out as Ax and Reed work him over. The camera shows Poffo busted open on the floor after Andre headbutted him then they take him away on a stretcher with blood all over his face. Back to the match as Hogan backdrops Bass to the floor then Andre takes out Mulligan with a hip toss as Andre and Hogan have accounted for all of the eliminations so far. Volkoff is gone courtesy of Hogan then Blair gets tossed by Andre. Hogan and Orndorff are going at it as Andre chokes out Koko with his foot. Hercules and Orndorff are now double-teaming Hogan but fail to get him out. Hogan gets whipped into Andre as they have a stare down. They then trade punches but Orndorff attacks Hogan then Demolition beats on him too. Hogan eventually fights out and dumps Orndorff but Andre hits him then headbutts him down before eliminating Hogan as Jesse is ecstatic on commentary. Andre then does a “brush away” gesture as he looks at Hogan on the floor. Several referees take Hogan to the back as we go to commercial. Back from break as Andre tosses Brunzell to the floor then everyone else besides Hercules, who failed to stop, dump Andre over the top rope. Smash then eliminates Hillbilly in sloppy fashion then Koko ducks an attack before sending Reed over the top rope with a dropkick. The final four are now set: Hercules, Billy Jack Haynes, Smash, and Koko. Haynes makes the save for Koko but Hercules is able to dump him after that. Hercules and Smash double-team Haynes, who comes back and takes out Smash. Hercules and Haynes start brawling until Heenan jumps up onto the apron. Haynes chases im away but that allowed Hercules to eliminate him and win the Battle Royal (11:16) **.
Thoughts: This told a good story with Hogan and Andre taking turns tossing guys out in order to be in the ring alone with each other. It also left doubt that Hogan could beat Andre, who eliminated him from the match. Their confrontation was fun though and a good tease for their WrestleMania III match. As for this match, it was pretty standard as far as battle royal’s are concerned but it really died off once Andre got eliminated and understandably so as no one else in the match could follow the Andre/Hogan dynamic.
Okerlund is with Andre the Giant, who said that it took 8 wrestlers to get him out of the ring but it only takes one giant to get rid of Hogan. Heenan then comes in and gloats over the fact that Andre took out Hogan, accusing him of hiding during the match. Heenan then says that Andre will remain undefeated and become the next Heavyweight Champion.
Now, Okerlund is with Jake Roberts, who will be facing King Kong Bundy. Roberts says that both he and Damien are ready for King Kong Bundy. He leaves before saying that its time for both of them to satisfy their hunger.
A quick insert promo from the Hart Foundation and Jimmy Hart about how they are defending their titles for the first time. At least they are on television.
King Kong Bundy w/ Bobby Heenan vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Roberts uses his quickness to elude Bundy, who is afraid of Damien. Bundy gets increasingly frustrated before taking down Roberts with a test of strength. He holds him down on the mat until Roberts fights out. Bundy beats on Roberts in the corner then grabs a front facelock as the fans are behind Roberts. Bundy ducks his head for a backdrop but gets caught with a knee lift. Roberts knocks Bundy down with a punch then Heenan runs off with the snake bag, causing Roberts to chase him. Back from break as Roberts is walking down the aisle with the bag but Bundy attacks him as he re-enters the ring. Clothesline by Bundy who then runs him over with a shoulder block a few times. Bundy charges at Roberts in the corner but misses as both men are down. Roberts gets up first and fires away then goes to grab the snake but the ref intervenes. Roberts then knees the referee, who signals for the DQ (6:14) 1/2*. Bundy tries to attack Roberts, who fights back as Vince weirdly defends Roberts for hitting the referee, saying that he should not have interfered. Bundy goes for an elbow drop but misses and after that Roberts hits the DDT as the fans go nuts. Heenan runs out as Roberts goes after him and Bundy with the snake but the ref trips up Roberts, who then chases him out with the snake as Vince is pissed because he did not get to see the snake on top of somebody.
Thoughts: Bad match. This was all about hyping Jake here as Vince was really trying to get over the snake and even defending him for attacking the referee. A year after headlining WrestleMania 2 Bundy had nothing at all going on here.
We get a goofy promo from Steamboat about how will be “breathing fire” before making some odd “karate” noise. 80’s WWF Steamboat promos were usually so bad they were funny.
WWF Tag Team Championship Match
Tito Santana & Danny Spivey vs. Hart Foundation w/ Jimmy Hart & Danny Davis
Match starts with Spivey getting two off of a crossbody. Neidhart works him over for a bit but Spivey catches him with an atomic drop before tagging Tito. Bret and Tito work a nice sequence then Spivey tags back and gets two off of a shoulder block as Neidhart broke up the pin. The Hart Foundation are now beating on Spivey as they neutralize him in their corner. Neidhart gets two with a slingshot splash that looked sweet then Brett chokes him out against the ropes. Spivey tries and fails to fight out of the corner then gets attacked from behind as the ref orders Tito back on the apron. Tito gets tagged behind the referee’s back but as he goes back to the apron, Spivey ducks an attack that knocks Neidhart off of the apron. Tito cleans house and even knocks Davis off of the apron. he hits Brett with the flying forearm then applies the figure four but as Spivey and Neidhart fight, Davis sneaks in and whacks Tito off of the head with the megaphone and Brett covers for the win (5:31) *1/2.
Thoughts: Decent action. This was the end of Spivey as a tag team wrestler as he was taken off of TV then became a singles heel wrestler that never got past the opening match level at house shows. He beat the likes of Lanny Poffo and Sam Houston for a year until leaving the company in 1988.
Okerlund is with Steamboat, who claims that he is 100%. Steamboat also says that he breathes fires and it gets hotter and hotter as he knows that everyone is going after his throat. Better than the promo right before this as he got over the injured throat storyline.
Iron Sheik w/ Slick vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat
Savage comes out on the apron to distract Steamboat, allowing Sheik to attack him from behind. Savage then joins on commentary as Vince yells at him. Savage then tells us that Steamboat can’t even tie his shoes and that he does not have what it takes to win. Steamboat skins the cat then hits Sheik with a back suplex as Savage tells us that neither guy is in his class. Steamboat hits a shoulder block and a hiptoss before grabbing a chinlock. Sheik goes on the attack then suplexes Steamboat back into the ring for two. Sheik rakes the eyes then uses an abdominal stretch but Steamboat breaks that up with a hiptoss as Savage promises that will not happen to him. Steamboat then slams Sheik and heads up top with a flying chop for the win (3:29) *. Savage then screams about how Steamboat cannot do that to him as Steamboat waves him on but Savage grabs a chair as Steamboat attempts to hop the guardrail to get to Savage but the referee prevents him.
Thoughts: Basic action but the confrontation between Savage and Steamboat here was excellent as that feud remained red hot heading into WrestleMania III
Okerlund is with Hogan and asks him about Heenan’s comments on Andre staying undefeated. Hogan then questions Andre if he cheated to get everyone of his wins and that his whole life has been a gigantic lie. Hogan says that now the whole world knows about Andre attacking people from behind.
Roddy Piper is now with Okerlund, who introduces him before his tribute. Piper thanks the fans and the WWF before saying that he always gave 110% and will do the same as he gives Hollywood a try. The video is then shown, set to Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” as all of his WWF career highlights are shown. Great video. The 80’s WWF music videos were done to perfection.
Final Thoughts: As a stand-alone show this was nothing special but in the grand scheme of things it did a fine job hyping up WrestleMania III. There was not any memorable matches or anything but the battle royal was fine leading up to the Hulk/Andre confrontation and they kept the Savage/Steamboat feud really strong and that was really all they needed to do here.
Watching some old SNME on the network. Quick question about the main event of Wrestlemania 2. Was Bundy the plan all along to face Hogan? Just the SNME before Hogan had a good program going with Terry Funk. The whole Bundy deal seemed to be rushed to me. I've also heard different rumors throughout the years that Vince wanted to run Savage/Funk/Piper and even Nikita Koloff instead. Any truth to any of these and what would you have went with if you were Vince.
One of the most common complaints wrestling fans have today is how
much content there is to watch. WWE alone has at least seven hours of
wrestling TV a week. For over twenty years, we’ve gotten used to
wrestling airing every Monday night with some of the biggest stars in
the sport squaring off. However, things weren’t always the same. Back
in the 1980’s, wrestling television was based around the idea of squash
matches. Most shows featured a big name against an unknown and matches
against other stars were almost unheard of.
Things began to change in 1985. Powered by the strength of
Wrestlemania and Hulkamania, the WWF was able to air a series of
specials on NBC, featuring matches between big name stars and even title
matches, all for free. The shows were major successes and helped push
the company into their golden era, sending professional wrestling to
heights no one had ever seen possible.
In this book, I’ll be looking at all thirty six episodes of the
series, as well as the five Main Event specials, breaking down every
match, segment and show as a whole. As usual I’ll be providing play by
play, historical context and analysis of every show.
The books runs over 300 pages on a Kindle and only costs $3.99, or
the equivalent in other currencies. If you don’t have a Kindle or e-book
reader, there are several FREE apps you can use to read it on pretty much any electronic device. You can find those from Amazon here.
You can pick up the book from Amazon here.
From the UK Amazon here.
From the Canadian Amazon here.
Or if you’re in another country with its own Amazon page, just search
“KB’ Saturday” and my book will be the first thing that pop up.
Also you can still get any of my previous books on the WWE
Championship, Monday Night Raw from 1998 and 2001, Monday Nitro from
1995-97, In Your House, Summerslam, Starrcade, ECW Pay Per Views, Royal
Rumble and Clash of the Champions at my author’s page here.
I hope you like it and shoot me any questions you might have.
relegating me to early rest 9 times out of 10, plus the fact that
this past few weeks have made it clear I’m in for more of everything
I hate (McMahons and various Attitude Era superstars named Paul),
I’ve decided to save my sanity and make a permanent trade. Matt
Perri already did Raw recaps for his own blog, so doing them here is
no big deal. Meanwhile, I’m going to watch more wrestling for
wrestling’s sake by hitting up the B Shows: Main Event and
Superstars. Yes! Someone will admit to watching Superstars!
delay because PSN. Sony: Power to the [offline].
We meet again, Bradshaw.
An inset promo reveals that the Brothers Dust are in the Rumble
match. Primo and Goldust start, and Goldust throws El Torito off the
apron. Primo is royally pissed and attacks, but after some back and
forth, Primo gets a rollup on Gold and a clothesline on Star. Primo
vaults over the ropes and clears both guys, but Stardust with the
Disaster Kick to send him to the floor. Goldust tosses Primo into
the barricade, and back in, he gets two. Stardust in, and he stomps
the abs before giving the sign of the Star. This gets two (the
stomping, I presume). Stardust with a butterfly lock, but Primo
fights out only to run into a sliding uppercut. Stardust charges and
is dumped. Hot tag Epico, and he goes nuts with back elbows. He
puts the brakes on, then sets Goldust up for the Austin Straddle and
flying sunset flip for two. He goes after Stardust, which allow
Goldust to knee in the back and choke away. Torito’s on the apron to
rally the team, so Goldust grabs him only to get headscissored. No
DQ there because he had it coming, and Primo with a cradle for the
win at 4:02. 3/4*
Also, I think I got Primo and Epico backwards.
now’s as good a place as any to describe a concept I’m going to keep
track of here: the Losers’ Title! Just like Scott Keith did back in
his e-fed days – and I bet he thought no one remembered – we will
keep track of who the Ultimate Loser in WWE is. According to
Boston-based fanblog Sons of Sam Horn, we start with Adam Rose
holding the Scarlet L. Here are the rules:
title is “defended” in any match – singles, multi-man, or tag.
is “passed on” if the current holder gets the pin in the match.
His tag partner cannot “lose” the L for him, nor does it count
if he’s not involved in a triple-threat decision.
the Losers’ Champion does not “defend” his “title” in 30
days, it reverts to the loser of the Main Event main event. By
coincidence, advertising here says Rose is in that, too!
before anyone asks, the Losers’ Title is for men only. Like Divas
would ever main event even a B show.
all that? Good.
Event is not on WWE Network next week for some reason (and, as I later find out, may not be on WWE Network in the future due to Sky Sports), so instead,
Santino will be hosting a Royal Rumble pre-show. Oh, fine, I’ll
and That Guy.
Because some NXT traditions must be upheld. Ascension calls out the
Road Warriors and says there are no more great tag teams of the past,
because they’re the one Tag Team of the Future. Viktor beats up This
Guy to start with European Uppercuts, then Konnor tags in and it’s a
double-team. Konnor goes clubbering in the corner, and Viktor pounds
away before clotheslining This Guy out of the ring. Konnor tags in
and throws This Guy around before knocking That Guy off the apron.
Another clothesline follows, then Viktor tags in for a double-team
hiptoss-flapjack thing. Fall of Man ends it at 1:47.
first Thursday SmackDown main event: Daniel Bryan’s grand return
Cena wasn’t allowed to overcome the odds when for once he honestly
should have, as a bazillion heels beat him up and the Authority
won… but not before Kane and Big Show saved the day. Because
heaven forbid anyone who wasn’t in the WWE in 2000 get over. I’m
telling you now, the only real conclusion of this is that Vince
McMahon steps in and either re-instates the Corpus Christi Trio or
has Sting do it for him. Both of which make the wrestlers seem
impotent compared to the McMahons, so I hate it. You tell me if that
then we had the contract signing, where a fight broke out and
(interestingly) Rollins stood tall. But he couldn’t get a clean win
earlier in the night?
Gabriel sticks and moves, but gets caught and pummeled. Kicks in
the corner, but Gabriel fires off with forearms. Gabriel slips out
the back of a slam, getting a calf kick and big chop, but his leg is
caught. He escapes an elbowdrop, but Rusev reverses to a Hammer
Throw and smacks Gabriel upside the head. Back in, Rusev with a
series of elbowdrops and a headbutt, into a cobra clutch. Rusev
rides him down and headbutts him repeatedly, but Gabriel tries to
fight back. Jawbreaker rattles Rusev, who misses a blind charge.
Warrior’s Way by Gabriel starts a comeback, into a springboard
clothesline. He tries something off the top and is caught in a
powerbomb, and Rusev Crush ends it at 3:49. Some good big/little
stuff here. *1/4
Rusev lands his leaping superkick for no reason after the match.
first inductee into the Hall of Fame for the Class of 2015 is RANDY
SAVAGE. As we all knew.
Reunion in Dallas next week!
and Xavier Woods v. Tyson Kidd, Cesaro, and Losers’ Champion Adam
To let you know how much of a nerd I am, when I heard Kidd and
Cesaro say they’re the “Masters of the Universe”, I didn’t think
He-Man; I thought Bonfire of the Vanities. Rose and Kofi start.
Kofi gets a go-behind, but Rose turns it into a top wristlock. Kofi
reverses it and gets a splash for one, but Rose escapes. Kidd
doesn’t do much better, and Big E and Kofi do the T&A tag team,
followed by a wheelbarrow splash from Woods/E. Kidd recovers and
slams Woods into the corner, but a blind charge eats boot and the
Honor Roll gets one. Woods clears the heel corner, but Kidd throws
him into the bottom rope and out. Rose slams Woods into the apron,
and back in, it gets one. The heels triple-team Woods, leading to a
Kidd slingshot into a Cesaro uppercut for two as we go to break.
return with Rose working a sleeper on Woods, but a suplex is reversed
by Woods to a small package for two. Rose prevents the hot tag, and
Kidd pounds away in the corner. Cesaro adds a choke, and Kidd does a
boot choke and legdrop as Cesaro adds a hesitation dropkick. Back
in, it gets two. Cesaro works the sleeper, but Woods pounds out and
wins a slugfest. Cesaro cuts Big E out, but Woods with an enzuigiri
that dazes Cesaro. Hot tag Kofi, who runs over Kidd and ends with
the Boom Drop. Running knees in the corner sets up a trip to the
top, but he takes Rose out before landing a springboard crossbody for
two. Cesaro tags himself in, and that allows Kofi to leap right into
Swiss Death. It gets two. Forearms to the head, and Big E is again
knocked off the apron. GIANT SWING OF DOOM ends with a Kidd
dropkick, but Woods saves. He’s dumped, but Kofi with a cradle for
two. FINALLY, Big E gets in and pounds Cesaro down hard before
catching Kidd with a uranage and Cesaro with a Greco-Roman suplex and
Ultimate Splash on both men. Sorry for the run-on sentence there.
Big Ending try, but Rose tags himself in. Big E catches Rose and
suplexes him for two, Cesaro saves. Wods with a wheelbarrow facejam
to Cesaro, but Kidd kicks him in the jaw. Trouble in Paradise takes
Kidd out, but Cesaro suplexes him to the floor. Rose with a
spinebuster on Big E for two. Rose runs into a lariat from Big E,
and the New Day takes EVERYONE out (Big E spears Rose through the
ropes, Kofi with a plancha to Kidd, Woods with a senton to Cesaro).
Back in, Midnight Hour ends Rose at 11:02. Good finish to a decent
match. And Rose is still wearing the Scarlet L. **1/4
like I might have to find Hulu Plus for next week’s show. Until
then, see you for Superstars!
be back next week, same time, same website. We’ve got Bayless and Keith
and Chris Fothergill-Brown covering the retro stuff. Danielle’s got the Total Divas report and Tommy will cover NXT and Smackdown to take you into your weekend. Andy PG might be out Monday so it’s RAW Report By Committee.
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
RIP Authority storyline. We hardly knew ye.
I mean, let’s not pretend that RAW has been pitch-perfect since Survivor Series. I don’t think it’s been truly “good” since it tacked on the needless third hour. It’s just that there was so much riding on the whole “Team Cena vs. Team Authority” thing, that to have it all turn to dust in a matter of minutes is pretty insulting to one’s intelligence. And that’s not even counting the silliness that was King Vince giving Cena the arbitrary power to “bring back the Authority” or Rollins apparently murdering Christian with a weak little briefcase shot to the gut or that Cena couldn’t have just lunged into the ring like he did following the decision or the fact that Triple H and Steph, after Rollins had forced Cena to bring everyone back, suddenly materialized from the back as if they were released from The Phantom Zone…
It’s all meaningless now. Everything that Ziggler did or that Sting did…nothing’s been given a chance to breathe or decompress. It’s as if Team Cena never won the match in the first place. And now what happens? I can’t imagine that they hit the “Team Cena is fired” button. It’s a bit late for that.
Since it’s almost 2015, I feel compelled to make a Back to the Future II reference: this was Biff Tannen going back to 1955 and giving his younger self Grey’s Sports Almanac so that he could be rich and powerful.
Let’s get going…
We open with Rollins forcing Cena to bring back The Authority on last’s night’s RAW.
We are LIVE(!) from Norfolk, Virginia!
Michael Cole, JBL and Booker T are the three guys on the mics.
Edge and Christian come out to the ring with pomp and circumstance as if none of that ever happened. They joke at first but Edge says he couldn’t sleep last night. He says nothing will happen to them tonight because their lawyers will eat the company alive and then Edge and Christian will “run the WWE”. Christian says that they are running Main Event and Smackdown — but that the Authority returns on Monday. They’re gonna have fun tonight. More joking around and then they bring out Adam Rose and the Express which, to its credit, is now lead to the ring by some awfully hot new ladies.
Christian says that it MUST be “party time all the time” because Adam Rose looks like he hasn’t showered. Also, one of Rose’s Express guys has Edge’s “puppet stunt double”. You know, just in case “rock bottom” wasn’t the lowest we could go here. They recall a bunch of tag teams that used the word “Express” in their name. But they really would like to know where the Bunny is. Adam Rose says he thought that Edge and Christian were the life of the party…but they’re lemons. Rose says he booted The Bunny off the party bus. Christian asks if the Express just follows him all over the place. Rose says they always follow him. Edge disagrees. Rose walks off and tells them to come with him…but the Express stays put. Edge and Christian hit a 5-Second Pose as the Express dances around. Edge takes his puppet stunt double away and him and Christian walk off.
Cole says they’ll recap the Authority thing later and they’re ready for the first match of the evening.
We get Charlotte Flair promo with original character catchphrases like “I am the complete package” and “To be the woman, you have to beat the woman”, and “Wooooo.”
NEXT: Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks
MATCH #1: Sasha Banks vs. NXT Womens Champion Charlotte (non-title)
The two kinda run around the ring before Charlotte hits a weak Flair chop. Two count. Banks takes over and puts Charlotte in the corner, then stomps on her chest, getting two. Banks snap mares Charlotte, then mocks her with a Flair Strut. She kicks Charlotte and hits a Surfboard. Charlotte finally escapes and drops Banks on her back. Flair clotheslines Banks and chops her as Cole says, “Shades of Ric Flair” as if nobody on WWE programming has EVER chopped anyone ever since Ric Flair retired. Charlotte goes for a Moonsault, botches it, then flips on top of Banks, then botches the pin by putting her own foot on the rope. Banks kicks out then knocks Charlotte to the mat. Charlotte counters a follow-up and hits Natural Selection for the win at 4:41.
RATING: *7/8. Charlotte either needs to bake a little more or she was having an off-night. Even the Flair Chops looked awful.
Santino’s backstage, celebrating the New Year, talking to the Cobra about the lack of other guests. Wasn’t the Express just around? He doesn’t want the Cobra to kiss him this year. Luke Harper shows up and asks where the party is. Ha. Ha, ha. Sigh…
Titus says 2015 is the “Year of the Gator” and they damn sure bite.
MATCH #2: Justin Gabriel vs. Titus O’Neil
All the main guys are already celebrating, I guess. Gabriel counters Titus’s Irish Whip and hits a dropkick. Titus rolls out of the ring and Gabriel runs and kicks him a couple times before Titus clotheslines him. He rolls Gabriel back into the ring and clotheslines him. Titus hits two backbreakers and a Fallaway Slam. Two count. Titus puts Gabriel in the corner but Gabriel kicks him on a rush, then stomps him off the buckle. He hits a Springboard Missile Dropkick and gets two. He goes for another high risk move but Titus gets up, grabs Gabriel and hits a Falling Powerbomb for the win at 3:44.
WINNER: Titus O’Neil
Cole gives us a recap of Daniel Bryan’s “big announcement” on RAW.
ON RAW: Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt in ARBITRARY NO-DQ MATCH #83.
Santino’s backstage, partying with Luke Harper. R-Truth shows up and says he’s leaving. Harper blows his party favor in Santino’s face.
ON SMACKDOWN: Edge & Christian host.
MATCH #3: Gold & Stardust vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) (non-title)
Jey starts with Gold and he uppercuts Gold. Tag to Jimmy who chops Gold to the mat. Star gets into the fray and Jimmy slaps him around. After a series of counters, Jimmy hits a nice spinning kick, then gets two. Tag to Jey and he splashes Star in the corner and puts him to the mat for two. Tag to Jimmy and it’s a battle in the corner. Jimmy hits the Corkscrew off the top buckle. After the break, NOBODY IS IN CONTROL!!! Seriously, both sides are in their corners. Jimmy starts again with Star and he chops at Star. Irish Whip and Star bails, then hits an Enzuguri when Jimmy chases him. Jimmy manages to get back into the ring after an eight count. Star stomps Jimmy and tags Gold who drops elbows. Quick tags as Star and Gold work Jimmy over in their corner. Star puts a headlock on Jimmy but Jimmy breaks it. Star blocks a tag by kicking him and it’s a tag to Goldie who covers Jimmy for two. Jimmy tries to get out of Goldie’s grasp and misses a kick. Two count by Gold. Jimmy tries to rush Goldie but Goldie hits a Spinebuster and tags Star. Star goes top buckle, grins and then gets punched in the gut as he leaps at Jimmy. Hot tag to Jey and it’s clotheslines, a kick, uppercut and a Samoan Drop. Jey tries a Rikishi. Star interrupts and Jey does it to him instead. He rushes at Gold and Gold catches him for a Powerslam. Jimmy comes in and dumps Star. They go for Uso Crazy but Gold stops them. Jey NEARLY rolls up Goldie for the win but Gold kicks out. Star rushes back into the ring and tries the Disaster Kick but misses and hits Gold instead. Usos hit the Superfly Splash for the win at 10:56.
WINNERS: The Usos
RATING: **1/2. It got better after the hot tag…you’ve seen it before.
The Usos celebrate as we go off the air.
be back next week, same time, same website. We’ve got Bayless and Keith and Chris Fothergill-Brown covering the retro stuff as well as some NXT action. Tommy will cover Smackdown to take you into your weekend and
Andy PG will be back to start your week off right with the PG Era Raw
Rant on Monday.
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
please check me out at The Daily DDT
(http://dailyddt.com/author/mattlperri/) for all my wrestling editorials
and opinion, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
I wish you all a great New Year. Be safe. Don’t drink and drive and all that. See you next year!
Andy PG was supposed to cover me but never got around to it. I am supposing this was because of the holidays.
Michael Cole and JBL are the guys on the mics because Byron Saxton’s on vacation.
MATCH #1: Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito) vs. Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) & Cesaro
Nattie’s wearing pretty much the same thing Steph wore at WrestleMania XXX and has her hair in the exact same style, so I guess she’s evil now. Don’t laugh. Creative’s actually developing a character. It’s Tyson starting out and he gets a double hip toss from the Matadors. He manages to get back to his corner and Cesaro immediately hits the Swinging Dropkick, courtesy of the double-team from Tyson Kidd. Cesaro hits an uppercut and then goes for the Cocky Pin, getting two. Tyson tags in and he’s all over which ever Matador’s in the ring right now. Kidd hits a Superkick which is converted into a German Suplex by Cesaro. It’s quick in/out tags as Cesaro and Kidd work over Matador #2, who finally retaliates with a dropkick and it’s a tag to #1. Some quick flipping and #1 hits a nice leg sweep, getting two. It’s chaos for a few seconds, but #2 gets dumped from the ring by both heels. They hit a beautiful Flipping Neckbreaker-Powerbomb combo and it’s Kidd and Cesaro picking up the win at 5:28.
WINNERS: Cesaro and Kidd
RATING: **1/2. Not too bad.
NEXT: Summer Rae, who’s as irrelevant as your local mall’s wi-fi vs. Brie Bella, who was supposed to be a face and was converted to a heel because reasons. And my readers seem to think I’m being too hard on this show.
Renee Young has New Day backstage. Big E practically compares the Dusts to the evil white man as Xavier Woods talks about E’s sweating problem. Gold and Star appear on the screen behind them. Star wears make-up similar to Axe of Demolition and they talk about beating New Day.
MATCH #2: Summer Rae vs. Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella)
The crowd pops for Brie Bella. I’m beyond confused here. The two grapple for about half a minute before Summer goes into a Wookie rage and flails at Brie. Brie side-steps and nearly hits the running knee but Summer bails. Brie chases but Summer knocks her back, then kicks her. She puts Brie into a clutch but Brie escapes and hits clotheslines, then misses a dropkick because Summer has no idea how to sell. Brie Mode off the ropes and that gets the win at 3:00.
WINNER: Brie Bella
RATING: *. Short and meaningless.
NEXT: Big E vs. Stardust.
MATCH #3: Big E (w/ Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods) vs. Stardust (w/ Goldust)
Does anyone care to explain how JBL adores Bo Dallas for being “positive” and hates New Day for being “positive”? (DANIELLE: Bo who?) Big E tosses Stardust around the ring a bit. Star fights back and then gets shoulderblocked hard by E. E goes for a Splash but Star rolls away. E grabs him and hits a belly to belly suplex. E rushes Star in the corner but Star just kicks him on the way in and it’s Star taking over with stomps. Headlock by Star but E breaks free courtesy of Kofi and Woods’ “positive mat-drumming”. Another headlock and E breaks free quick and hits clotheslines and a belly to belly. Warrior Splash by E and Gold gets on the mat. E nails him and Star kicks him. Star goes for the Disaster Kick but Gold is woozy and accidentally shakes the rope, trying to get up from E’s earlier clothesline. E hits the Big Ending and we’re done at 5:00.
WINNER: Big E via Big Ending
RATING: **. It’s E with different tights vs. Stardust with different tights. You’ve seen it.
NEXT: Cole wants us to go back and re-live HO-HO-Hogan for some reason.
And, so, we do. That sucks up about four minutes.
MATCH #4: Luke Harper vs. Jack Swagger
We’re either in for a 10+ minute finish with these two or this is match four of five. Swagger and Harper lock up for a bit and struggle all over the ring until Harper elbows out of a move and uppercuts Swagger. He slaps Swagger in the chest while Cole feels compelled to remark on Harper’s sweaty shirt, despite the fact that the shirt joke ship sailed a year ago. Swagger comes back with a belly to belly slam and a big boot, then hits a huge clothesline. Swagger Bomb sees Harper kicking Swagger in the face. Harper clotheslines him and sends him out of the ring and we’re actually sending this match into break.
When we comes back, Swagger escapes a headlock but Harper sends him into the buckle, head-first. Harper hits an elbow off an Irish Whip and it’s another headlock. Swagger fights out again but runs into a Harper dropkick. Swagger rolls outside, then rolls himself back in. Harper does the Gator Roll — but, fuck that. Cole is actually trying to “come to grips” with the fact that “R-Truth beat Adam Rose, who then beat up the bunny.” Swagger gets out of yet another headlock and then gets hit with yet another kick and rolls out of the ring.
Harper chases and gets tossed into the crowd barrier. Swagger takes control back inside the ring and gets a two count off a slam. Harper quickly rolls up Swagger for two, then hits a Superkick for another two count. Harper goes for the powerbomb but Harper counters. Swagger counters that counter and tries the Patriot Lock but Harper breaks and knocks Swagger down. Harper goes top rope but Swagger grabs him and hits a belly to belly. Two count. Swagger goes for the Swagger Bomb again and Harper intercepts him, hitting a belly to belly slam for two. Harper misses a clothesline and Swagger finally hits the Swagger Bomb, following a German Suplex, on the third attempt. Swagger hits the Patriot Lock but Harper grabs the ropes, then sends Swagger out of the ring. Swagger gets back into the ring and Harper hits the Clothesline From Hell to win at 13:29.
WINNER: Luke Harper
RATING: **. A “big match” that had no velocity and no suspense. You can’t wring 14 minutes from Swagger and expect us to care when you practically fed him to Rusev at the last PPV.
Harper raises his arm and walks off.
OVERALL: **. It’s not like I hate these shows but, lately, it seems like WWE is just pairing guys together and telling them to wrestle. The only bright spot was Cesaro and Kidd who look incredible.
Er, that’s it.
start the show with Miz and Miz-dow for MizTV. Miz invites Naomi, whom
he calls “a close personal friend” to the ring. Miz welcomes her to
MizTV. Naomi’s slightly incredulous and says that she’s glad to be on
Main Event but they’re not friends. Miz is not happy with this as Naomi
says that Miz is phony and he’s all talk. Miz says that Naomi probably
has tons of men promising her the world. Naomi says she’s leaving
because Miz doesn’t have anything of worth to offer her. Miz tells her
that he DOES have something: a WWE Divas Championship Match on
Smackdown, an hour from now. He says he understands that she probably
needs permission to compete from her husband.
brings out Jimmy Uso with Jey in tow. Miz yells at Jimmy, telling him
that he’s ruining his wife’s “moment”. Jimmy says she needs nothing from
him and to stay away from her. Miz says that he thinks she’s talented
and he wants to see her succeed. It’s too bad Jimmy doesn’t want that.
Jimmy lunges out of the ring but Jey and Naomi hold him back.
shouts “New Day” and the crowd sighs. Cesaro locks up Woods who grabs
Cesaro by the legs and hits a Facebuster for two. Kofi enters and he
dropkicks Cesaro for a two count. Cesaro gets to Tyson and makes a tag.
Kofi puts Tyson in an armbar and tags Woods. Side headlock by Tyson and
Woods breaks. Woods locks Tyson from behind and there’s some sloppy
running back and forth before Woods hits a dropkick. Woods tags Kofi and
he hits a Cross Body for two, then clotheslines Tyson from the ring.
They hit a, um…Flying New Day, I guess. Kofi rolls Tyson into the ring
and it’s a two count. Kofi gets back in but Tyson hits an Enzuguri and
tags Cesaro as we go to break.
has Kofi in a chinlock as we come back. Kofi gets to his feet but Tyson
kicks him in the gut. He hangs Kofi upside down on the buckle and kicks
at him. Tag to Cesaro who hits an uppercut and then puts Kofi in a
Reverse Full Nelson. Kofi gets to his feet but Cesaro hits a Gut Wrench
Suplex and tags in Tyson and this thing just continues on past the 7
minute mark. Tyson kicks Kofi and gets two, then applies a front
facelock. They move to the corner and it’s quick tags in and out by
Tyson and Cesaro. They toss Kofi into the corner and go for a double
team but Kofi fights out, clubbing at Cesaro. A bunch of countering and
Cesaro rolls up Kofi for two, then sets up for The Swing, getting six
comes in and dropkicks the spinning Kofi and they get two. Cesaro drops
Tyson on Kofi and it’s another two count. Cesaro tosses Tyson into Kofi
in the corner but Kofi dumps Tyson and kicks Cesaro in the head. Kofi
FINALLY makes a tag to Woods and he goes House-a-Fire on Tyson. Cesaro
tries to ambush Woods but Woods hits an Enzuguri. Tyson and Woods
exchange roll-ups and pins but Woods hits a Stomach Breaker and gets two
thanks to a Cesaro save. Cesaro grabs Woods and both men spiral out of
the ring with Cesaro getting the worst of it. Back in the ring, Woods
and Kofi hit The Midnight Hour to get the win at 11:35.
and Erick Rowan are playing chess backstage because Erick Rowan is
SMART, see? Titus O’Neil shows up and Paige tells him how Rowan is a
Chessmaster. Titus says that Rowan only knows checkers, not chess. Rowan
removes his sheep mask and wants to play with Titus, who nervously
agrees, then asks Rowan to “king him”, using the King piece. Rowan lifts
up the King piece and says, “CHECKMATE!”
Now, THAT’S comedy.
bumps into Miz backstage. Naomi wants to apologize. Miz says that he
understands. The title match is still on (because, suddenly, Miz can
book title matches) but Hollywood is unforgiving — so control Jimmy.
dances and shoves Paige. Paige swings at Emma who ducks. Paige falls
over because Emma trips her and suddenly, this is a Charlie Chaplin act.
Emma dances around again and Paige has had enough. She Superkicks her
and then knees her in the head. Two count. She puts Emma in a Surfboard
which Emma escapes but Paige tosses her to the mat. Paige puts Emma in
the corner and hits some elbows. Emma comes back with forearms before
Paige kicks her in the stomach and chokes her on the middle rope. Paige
spanks Emma’s ass, then tries the Ram-Paige but Emma counters with a
small package. Paige clotheslines Emma and yells at the crowd not to
cheer for Emma. Paige stomps Emma in the corner, but Emma grabs her leg
and hits lariats. Paige rushes Emma in the corner but Emma elbows her
and hits the Dil-Emma on the ropes. Emma goes for the Emma Lock but
Paige kicks out and hits a Superkick and PTO for the win at 4:58.
all over Kane to start. Kane runs at Rowan who clotheslines Kane, then
shoulderblocks him from the ring. Rowan rams Kane’s head on the mat and
crowd barrier, then tosses him into the ring. Side headlock and slam by
Rowan. Two count. He goes for a back drop but Kane counters with a DDT,
then kicks at Rowan. He puts Rowan in a clutch, then goes for a suplex,
which Rowan reverses. Rowan rushes Kane but Kane hits a clothesline. Two
count. He puts Rowan in the corner and hits a body splash. Two count.
Rowan comes back punching as Cole argues about solving Rubik’s Cubes and
using Etch-a-Sketches with Titus. Rowan hits a lariat and clubs at Kane
in the corner, then knocks Kane outside the ropes. Kane yanks Rowan’s
beard, then goes top rope but Rowan kicks Kane in the head and tries a
Superplex. Kane counters and tosses him to the mat, then clotheslines
him. Kane calls for the Chokeslam From Hell. Rowan elbows out of it and
Kane uppercuts him. Rowan hits a spin kick and Kane rolls out of the
ring. Rowan chases and bashes Kane’s head on the announce table,
spilling water all over Titus, who’s pissed as hell. Back in the ring,
Kane hits a Chokeslam to inexplicably win the match at 7:43. What the
is still pissed as we go off the air. To add insult to injury, the show
actually closes out with the replay of Kane’s winning Chokeslam. What a
starts us off tonight, coming back to his hometown. He’s pissed at
Rusev because Rusev fucked up Zeb Colter, if anyone cares. Tonight, in
the spirit of vengeance, he’ll finally face…uh…Titus O’Neil, I
hits some shoulderblocks but Titus regains the upper hand tossing
Swagger into the ringpost and tossing him outside the ring. Titus goes
outside and tosses him into the crowd barrier while Cole informs us that
Slammy nominees will be named soon like it’s the Oscars. Titus hits a
clothesline and puts Swagger in a weak chinlock. Swagger escapes but
Titus grabs him and hits a Fallaway Slam. Titus slaps at Swagger’s chest
and it’s another chinlock. Swagger escapes but Titus puts him in a
corner and rams him with shoulders. Swagger escapes again and it’s a
huge belly to belly slam. Titus rolls outside and Swagger hits a mean
clothesline, then rolls him back in the ring. He misses a Swagger Bomb
and Titus hits a huge boot to the face, getting two. Quick reversals on
both sides and Swagger hits the Patriot Lock to win it at 4:39.
Young hops into the ring like a giddy schoolgirl. Swagger calls Rusev a
coward and says he’s gonna get the United States Championship back. He
does WE THE PEOPLE, cuz ‘MURICA!
swear, if this isn’t over in less than 2 minutes, I quit. Star and
Bunny fuck around before Rose tags in. Star clocks him and tags in Gold
who hauls off on Rose. Rose comes back with a Flying Jalapeno and a
running clothesline but Gold retaliates with a Powerslam in Stride. Star
back in as we’re about to hit the 2 minute mark. He wraps up Rose and
tags in Gold. Rose breaks free of a clutch and there seems to be a
slightly botched elbow. Both men go down. Hot tags on both sides. Bunny
kicks at Star and hits a back drop. Bunny Hop in the corner and some
humping motions. Rose tags himself in and hits a Spinebuster. Two count.
Gold comes in and takes Bunny out. Rose dumps Gold. Star hits Dark
Matter for the win at 3:47.
NIGHT ON RAW: Miz compliments Naomi on her “twerking” as if it’s an art
form. Then, later, during a match, Jimmy slapped the taste out of Miz’s
Phillips has The Usos backstage. Jimmy’s not happy about The Miz. Jey
tries to talk off the anger ledge but Jimmy just yells in his face.
— then, we get R-Truth’s entrance which is even more long and
needless, considering he’s the only black guy in the company who wasn’t
good enough for the New Day re-boot or a new angle.
two men exchange chops and Fandango hits a shoulderblock. Truth comes
back with a hip toss and arm drag. Fandango takes him out in the corner.
Rosa dances outside. Fandango tosses Truth into the corner and gets a
two count. Fandango tries a running attack and Truth hits a high
spinning kick to Fandango and a Sitting Suplex. Two count. Fandango runs
at Fandango and ends up outside the ropes. Fandango tosses him into the
post, then hits the Flying Legdrop for the win at 3:36.
we come back from break, we get an insanely long recap of “The Last 9
Days in WWE Without the Authority”. Boy, I hope this becomes a weekly
let me get this straight: Cena is in charge of bringing back the
Authority — but can’t control his own matches. Who the hell is running
Usos are out first for their match. Miz is out next. He says that
agents are all calling him to get a hold of Naomi. He says this is a
good thing and copies the Jerry Maguire line, “Help ME help YOU.”
Jimmy’s pissed. Miz says that he’s probably doing more for Naomi’s
career than Jimmy could. Jimmy runs out of the ring and attacks Miz. The
fight goes to the ring with Jey holding his brother back. Miz escapes
to the other side of the ring until things calm down.
is all over Miz with a press and punches, then clotheslines Miz from
the ring. We’ve had a full minute of activity in the last 15 minutes and
three break spots. When we come back, Miz is running away from Jimmy.
Miz tosses Miz-dow in Jimmy’s way, then attacks Jimmy when he deals with
Damien. He rolls Jimmy back into the ring and kicks him in the head.
Jimmy comes back with chops but Miz hits his Breaker Combo for two. Miz
hits a side headlock as Cole and Saxton argue over the ethics of
somebody giving somebody’s wife a business card, which Cole somehow
equates to severe marital disruption. Jimmy gets tossed from the ring
and barely gets back in after a nine count. Miz is, immediately, all
over him again. He chokes Jimmy in the corner and rushes at him but
Jimmy hits a mean clothesline. Jimmy hits two more of those and then
tosses Miz from the ring. He hits a Flying Uso to the outside and starts
tossing Miz into the crowd barriers. The two re-enter the ring and Miz
boots Jimmy in the head, getting a two-count. Miz misses a kick to
Jimmy’s head and Jimmy hits a Samoan Drop. He goes for a Rikishi Butt
Splash but Miz leaves the ring and says he quits. Jimmy hits a dive to
the outside and tosses Miz back in the ring again. He climbs the buckle
but Miz attacks. Jimmy jumps off and Jimmy hits a Superkick. Miz-dow
imitates taking the kick and Jimmy invites Jey to climb the other buckle
so that they can each splash a “Miz”. They do so and Jimmy wins at
January 3, 1987
From the Civic Center in Hartford, CT.
Your hosts are Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon
Matches tonight include Paul Orndorff vs. Hulk Hogan in a Steel Cage Match for the WWF World Heavyweight Championship, Adrian Adonis vs. Roddy Piper, George Steele vs. Randy Savage for the WWF Intercontinental Championship, and King Harley Race vs. Junkyard Dog.
WWF World Heavyweight Championship Steel Cage Match
“Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff w/ Bobby Heenan vs. Hulk Hogan (Championship)
Before the match Vince flips out because Danny Davis is the referee. Orndorff attacks Hogan before the bell then drops a few elbows. Orndorff tries to escape but Hogan grabs his leg as Vince tells us that Davis shouldn’t even be the referee here as Joey Marella is here and listed as the official for the match. Orndorff almost climbs out of the cage but Hogan grabs him by the hair as Jesse jokes how Hogan would not be the champion right now if Orndorff was bald. Hogan stays in control then tries to climb out but Orndorff yanks him down then hammers away. The crowd chants for Hogan as Orndorff is stomping away. Orndorff misses a pair of elbow drops then Hogan hulks right up and fights back. Orndorff prevents Hogan from going through the door then is able to go back on offense. Then in a goofy-looking spot, both guys slam each other’s head off of the cage. They slowly get up and climb up opposite sides of the cage and both jump down as Hogan is declared the winner by Marella but Davis says that Orndorff was the winner. Davis then knocks Marella down so Hogan takes him out then Finkel lets us know that it was a “tie” as they both have to go back in and finish the match. Orndorff roughs up Hogan then rolls him back inside as Davis is carried to the back. Orndorff fires away but Hogan hulks up then chops away. Hogan rams Orndorff into the cage then hits a backbreaker before the leg drop. Heenan runs into the cage and distracts Hogan enough to let Orndorff get up but Hogan stops that then whips Heenan into the cage and climbs out of the cage before Orndorff can get through the door for the win (10:42) **3/4. Hogan gets back into the cage after the match and goes after Heenan as Jesse rags on Hogan. They then show the replay of the “tie” as Jesse tries to explain that Orndorff won because Hogan’s legs were bent when they hit the floor.
Thoughts: Good match. These two had solid chemistry in the ring and the way this ended could have been used to prolong the feud (Heenan goes to Tunney and gets a rematch or something like that). However, this ended up being the end of the Hogan/Orndorff feud as he would wrestle Kamala at house shows for a bit then get a new feud very shortly after this.
WWF Intercontinental Title Match
George “The Animal” Steele vs. “Macho Man” Randy Savage (Champion) w/ Elizabeth
Before the match we get a promo from Savage as he yells at Elizabeth to shut up before he “slaps her and pushes her against the wall.” Is that line edited on the Network? Steele also promises us a surprise during the match. This match is the result of Steele’s infatuation with Elizabeth, something that has been going on for about a year at this point. Before the match Steele gives Elizabeth his action figure as Savage flips out and takes it from her. Steele then attacks Savage and slams him down but goes to the corner and appears to wave someone on but Savage yanks him down. Savage then goes to climb up top but Ricky Steamboat’s music hits as he comes out to the ring. Savage is beside himself then gets tossed to the floor. Steele then goes outside and picks up Elizabeth and carries her up the aisle. Savage sees this and is out of his mind but Steamboat stands in his way and he stays in the ring. Steamboat tries to enter the ring but a few officials try to stop him as he breaks free. Steamboat gets escorted to the back by the police as Steele comes back without Elizabeth and beats on Savage. Steele bites open the turnbuckle and throws it in Savage’s face. Savage comes back and beats on Steele in the corner but Steele returns the favor then starts to bite Savage. Steele gets kicked a few times but is able to bite Savage’s arm. Steele then pulls a foreign object out of his trunks and uses it to knock Savage out of the ring. Steele then pushes down the ref after he tried to search him but Savage grabs the timekeeper’s bell and uses it to whack Steele in the back of the head then covers for the win (8:30) *1/2. Savage tries to attack Steele some more but Steamboat runs down and chases Savage away.
Thoughts: They used a lot of smoke and mirrors here and it worked about as well as you could have hoped for anyway. Steamboat’s return was huge and a great surprise. They also managed to keep two storylines going in this match.
King Harley Race w/ Bobby Heenan vs. Junkyard Dog
Again, Vince flips out because Davis is the referee for this match. Race punches JYD down then drops an elbow as Vince says it happened because Davis distracted JYD. Race hits a high knee smash then gets two with a knee drop but JYD gets up and fights back. Race goes shoulder first into the post but comes back with an eye rake. He hits a belly-to-belly suplex then tries a headbutt but JYD no-sells that then hits a few of his own then takes Race out of the ring. JYD then grabs Race’s robe and crown and puts it on as the fans applaud. Vince yells at Davis for not counting out Race as Heenan tries to attack JYD but that fails. JYD knocks Heenan down, who comically oversells the punch, then picks him up again but Race hits him from behind with a top rope elbow smash. Race hits a pair of elbow drops then the bell rings as JYD won by disqualification (6:00) 1/2*. After the match, Race and Heenan attack JYD but that fails as JYD chases them away. Davis tries to stop JYD but gets knocked down with a headbutt.
Thoughts: Very slow and dull match as Race’s methodical style was passe and JYD was abysmal in the ring at this point. Their feud, which started over JYD saying he would refuse to bow down to Race, would continue.
We see a clip of Heenan and Orndorff backstage. Heenan tells Orndorff that he saw the video replay and saw that he hit the floor before Hogan and will prove that he is the champion and go to Jack Tunney to straighten it out. Heenan kept calling Orndorff “champ.” We are shown the replay again as Jesse tells us that the tape is doctored.
“Adorable” Adrian Adonis w/ Jimmy Hart vs. Roddy Piper
Piper tosses his kilt at Adonis’s face then backs him into the corner. Piper takes him down with a knee lift as the kilt remains over Adonis’ face. Adonis bumps like a maniac for Piper then comes back with an eye rake. He then rakes Piper’s back but gets knocked down. Piper slams Adonis’ face off of the mat then Adonis comes back with the Good Night Irene but Piper takes them both through the ropes and they brawl. Adonis gets free and squirts his fragrance in the eyes of Piper then rolls inside and wins by count out as Piper could not see where he was (3:35) *. After the match Piper flips out as a few referees eventually calm him down to wipe his face.
Thoughts: Decent for while it lasted but it was just a short match to keep their feud going. Adonis was really, really big here. He could at least go in the ring though.
Okerlund is backstage with Hogan in the locker room. Hogan says that he won the match and will move on to other challengers. Okay then.
Jimmy Jack Funk vs. Blackjack Mulligan
This is billed as the “Battle of Texas.” Vince lets us know that Elizabeth is unharmed. Funk makes the referee order Mulligan to take off his spurs before the match. Funk lands a few shots but gets whipped into the corner then tossed to the floor as we get an awful insert promo from Mulligan as he is interviewed by Okerlund. He just rambled on and on using every single lame cliche about Texas. Mulligan beats on Funk in the corner before putting him away with a jumping back elbow smash (2:31) 1/4*. After the match, Mulligan tries to hang Funk with his rope but he was able to escape.
Thoughts: Just filler, really. I’ll never get why they tried to push Mulligan here. All of this build was wasted.
Final Thoughts: As a stand alone show, it wasnt much, but in the grand scheme of things this advanced a lot of storylines and the first ever steel cage match on Network TV was really cool to see,especially since it was a title match, so this was a good show overall that looks even better in hindsight as it laid the foundation for three WrestleMania matches. The WWF had a really good product at this time that was fun to watch.
I gotta start by talking about Survivor Series. Bear with me. I will try not to go too long here. If you don’t wanna read any of this, just skip all this and scroll to END ANALYSIS.
If you choose to go on, thank you.
You all know me. You all know that I’m about as snarky as they come. I spar with some of the guys here in the comments. It’s nothing personal. I love talking about this stuff. And while it gets pretty heated at times, I really enjoy talking with you guys about it. I love the passion. Also, you know that me and Andy PG have differing opinions on things and, while he’s been an advocate of the status quo, I tend to be the opposite — one of those old school smarks…if there is such a thing.
On this particular pay-per-view, Andy PG and I are in total agreement: this year’s Survivor Series was excellent entertainment.
On Sunday, I tuned in with the same expectations I’ve had. WWE’s pay-per-views have been…frustrating. That’s about the only word I can choose to describe it. Between the been-there-done-that feeling we got seeing Cena win the title at MITB to Lesnar running over Cena for the title at SummerSlam to the Bray Wyatt Star Wars Hologram at the last show, I think the only thing worth watching this year (not counting WrestleMania XXX) was Shield vs. Evolution I & II.
Scott rated Survivor Series at a thumbs even, leaning down. That’s not harsh but I don’t think it was all that accurate, either. For myself, I thought this years Survivor Series was pretty unforgettable. From the moment where Vince told us, “This will be a night you will not forget” (reminiscent of Survivor Series ’98: The Deadly Game, one of the more underrated PPV’s WWE has in its library and, coincidentally, also held in the same arena), I got chills. Dude had that twinkle in his eye when he said it. Something was gonna happen.
The rest of the show was…decent. The opening tag match was fun. It got better near the end and I don’t mind Miz and Miz-dow holding the tag titles. TPrincess is gonna have my head on a plate for saying that. The Divas title match sucked on toast, as did Adam Rose. That was to be expected. The Divas tag was so-so, but not terrible. The commentators helped that out big time with JBL’s confusion about Summer’s cowardice during the match. I’ve seen worse from them. Ambrose and Wyatt was good, but with a completely stupid, tacked-on ending which was a tease for the next PPV.
The meat and potatoes of this thing was, of course, the big main event. Scott had it at four stars. I had it at five. It had everything a big PPV match was supposed to have: huge spots, awesome bumps, twists, turns, drama, Attitude Era-level screw-jobbery — culminating in one of the most memorable twists in recent memory.
Let’s get all of this out of the way right now: I didn’t know Sting was gonna appear. I don’t follow dirt sheets and rumors because, half the time, the rumors never pan out. For instance, Sting was supposed to debut at SummerSlam in Los Angeles, if rumors were to be believed. We all know how true that turned out to be. Also, I’ve seen and heard the criticism: Sting’s late to the party, the debut was lame as hell because he had no baseball bat or the run-in was far too late or OMG it was a staring contest and a Scorpion Deathdrop and he doesn’t really figure into things. Oh, and my absolute favorite: “Sting is past his prime at 55 years old.” That last one could be true. To get an idea of where he is in his career, look no further than The Undertaker who, at 49, looks like he’s run a marathon after 3 minutes of movement. A few others point to his time in TNA as evidence that the guy can no longer work well. Of course, age be damned, Sting was mailing it in during his TNA years.
But to all that, I say that I don’t care. I just don’t. For the past few weeks, even with my excitement over obtaining tickets to see WrestleMania 31, I’ve been looking for a reason to continue to watch this product. It’s a chore to watch RAW and report on it. Last PPV had the return of Bray Wyatt and I remember Andy PG defending
it, comparing it to Kane’s interference in a Hell in a Cell match during
the Attitude Era at Badd Blood. I still don’t agree with that: Wyatt
had already been with WWE for some time and we all knew he was coming
back. Also, whereas
Kane had a reason to attack the Undertaker, Bray had no reason other
than “Because he’s broken like me and stuff”, which is Wyatt’s excuse to
attack everyone and anyone. There was no shock factor and was made all
the more annoying with the really stupid Wyatt Hologram.
In that moment, I was a little kid again, losing my shit. I marked out — possibly, for the first time in years. Yes, this cold-hearted Smark was won over by one moment at last night’s Survivor Series. Hell, even before that, when Ziggler started to take out the remaining three guys, I was out of my seat, jumping up when he hit two Zigg Zaggs on Rollins. I was lost in the booking/storytelling. This was awesome shit. It got even better when Sting came out at the last second to make everything right. Had I known he was gonna debut, I still might have lost my shit…but it was still awesome. I don’t care about his age. I don’t even think he’s gonna compete in WWE. Flair competed when he was nearing 60 and he still had it in him. Even leading up to 50, The Undertaker had some incredible fights left. There was Sting, one of the last great icons of the wrestling world, doing what he always did: appearing from the shadows like the dark avenger, with pomp and circumstance: lights, drama, booming near-cinematic triumph. And the crowd, who chants just to chant, content to yell CM Punk at AJ Lee at the top of their lungs and sarcastically cheer for Damien Miz-dow during his matches, ate it all up.
It was a “holy shit” moment. It was one of the loudest, most sincere pops I’ve heard in a long, long time — since Daniel Bryan, even — and that’s just what WWE needs right now. This is an organization that has been unable to capture lightning in a bottle since Daniel Bryan’s injury. It’s a company thirsty for subscribers for their vaunted WWE Network, yet provides a product that has been wildly inconsistent, wishy-washy, and aggravating. Forget Sami Zayn in a bunny suit, twerking midget bulls, spots with Vladimir Putin, Bray Wyatt’s nonsensical stream-of-consciousness speeches, and Brock Lesnar just sitting at home, collecting a check — what WWE delivered last night was supremely special: a product that takes your breath away and makes you say, “I would have
not only shelled out $9.99 for that…I would have paid $60 dollars on a
major cable system.”
As user, “YankeesHoganTripleHFan” declared in the comments of Scott’s Smark Rant for Survivor Series, “WE HAVE STING PEOPLE!!! Put down your smark swords and mark the fuck out!”
Do it — if just for a few minutes. That moment gave me goosebumps. Hell, it actually made me wanna tune in for RAW on Monday with anticipation — and that’s a most welcome feeling.
Wait…it’s the Anon RAW GM…? IT’S BACK?!
FUCK WWE AND THE CREATIVE STAFF FOR THIS MESS.
I welcome your comments.
We are LIVE(!) from Fort Wayne, Indiana!
Michael Cole and Byron Saxton are willing and ready to call this thing.
Miz and Miz-dow come to the ring. Miz-dow has fake Tag Titles because they’re supposed to be the SAME. GET IT???
Miz is on the mic. He says that he needs to get something off his chest before we start: nobody thought he’d make it in this world but, each time somebody said that “Mike” couldn’t do something, he said that the Miz CAN do something. He says he needs to praise somebody who really stood by him. He needs to thank that person now. Miz-dow looks humble and touched. Miz says he needs to thank the Moneymaker. Miz looks hurt.
MATCH #1: WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz & Damien Miz-dow vs. Los Matadores (Fernando & Diego) (w/ El Torito) (non-title)
I think my favorite thing about Los Matadores is how long Cole tries to pretend to know the difference between Diego and Fernando. Miz goes first against #1. #2 tags in after a dive against the ropes. #2 dropkicks Miz. One-count. #2 watches as Miz-dow imitates Miz. Miz attacks #2 and puts in a headlock. #2 escapes but Miz puts him in the corner and kicks him. Miz and Miz-dow pose for the crowd and Miz STILL manages to hit the Miz-Line in the corner. Two count. Another headlock by Miz. #2 escapes again temporarily but Miz hits him with a DDT. Eventual tag to #1 and he goes into Hyper Matador mode, flipping around, kicking Miz, hitting high-risk flipping pins. Miz-dow dumps #2 when he attacks. Miz makes a tag to Miz-dow, who hits the SCF for the win — with Miz getting the pin at 5:03.
WINNERS: The Miz’s
RATING: 1/2 a *.
Rosa and Fandango ignore Renee Young and practically engage in foreplay, feeling each other up and making out. Then they walk off.
TONIGHT: Dean Ambrose faces Kane.
MATCH #2: Fandango (w/Rosa Mendes) vs. Adam Rose (w/ Bunny & Exotic Express)
How am I supposed to take the “new and improved Fandango” seriously when he’s being booked in comedy matches again? The two guys fight in the corner, then tie it up on the mat. Rose applies a front facelock but breaks when Fandango gets to the corner. Rose stomps at him and Fandango rolls outside. Rose tries a Baseball Slide but Fandango blocks it and slams him against the edge of the mat. Back in the ring, Fandango chops Rose, then whips him hard into a buckle, getting two. Fandango works Rose over while Bunny asks Rosa for a dance outside. Rose hits lariats and a reverse atomic drop. Rose hits a Swinging Neckbraker but Fandango kicks him when he rushes Fandango in the corner. Bunny gets on the mat. Fandango attacks Bunny, then whacks Rose with a lariat and hits the Flying Legdrop for the win at 3:37.
WINNER: Fandango via Flying Legdrop
RATING: 1/2 a *.
NEXT: Cole will run us through highlights from Survivor Series.
Cole gives us Survivor Series fallout and the next night’s clips from RAW.
Backstage, Nattie and Tyson are backstage with a bunch of food. Summer and Layla show up. They say that Nattie has a shrill voice. Tyson doesn’t defend her. Layla smashes a pumpkin pie in her face because nobody saw that coming. Tyson holds her back from killing the two girls.
MATCH #3: Layla (w/ Summer Rae) vs. Natalya (w/ Tyson Kidd)
Nattie’s pissed. She still has pumpkin pie on her face. Nattie marches out of the ring and proceeds to kick the shit out of Summer, shoving her to the ground. Back in the ring, Nattie is all over Layla who gets up and botches a high kick which Nattie sells anyhow, despite the fact that Layla missed her by a foot. Layla gets to her feet and takes Nattie down with head scissors. The crowd chants, “NATTIE’S HUSBAND” and Tyson puts on his Beats By Dre headphones to drown it out. Nattie gets back to her feet but Layla takes her down again. Layla chokes Nattie against the center rope. The ref breaks it and Summer slaps Nattie while the ref backs Layla off. Headlock by Layla but Nattie breaks it. She walks over to Layla who trips her, sending her head-first into the buckle. Layla chokes Nattie against the ropes again but Nattie sends her outside. Layla gets back in but Nattie throws her to the mat and hits a sitting dropkick. Layla tries a crossbody but misses. Nattie hits the Sharpshooter which gets the win at 4:42.
WINNER: Natalya via Sharpshooter
Nattie celebrates…so Tyson gets in her way and takes up the camera. Tyson’s the reason I can’t bring myself to buy a pair of Beats By Dre headphones.
MATCH #4: Kane vs. Dean Ambrose
Kane is all over Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose breaks free and hits a shoulderblock and a Tornado DDT off the buckle. Two count. Swinging neckbreaker and one count by Ambrose. Kane comes back with his own shoulderblock and gets two. He attacks Ambrose in the corner but Ambrose breaks free with a shoulderblock and crossbody. Kane lunges at him but Ambrose tosses him from the ring. Ambrose goes for a Suicide Dive but Kane clocks him coming out of the ring.
We get an ad for WWE Monday Night Revisionist History…er, War.
Back from break, Kane’s got Ambrose in a headlock. Ambrose gets to his feet but Kane knees him in the gut and hits a quick suplex. Kane hits some shots to the head. Ambrose tries the Rebound Clothesline but Kane boots him in the head and gets two. Ambrose comes back from a headlock with some quick shots to the head of Kane and a Missile Dropkick. Ambrose hits a forearm in the corner and a Bulldog for two. Another Rebound Clothesline is met with a Chokeslam attempt. Ambrose breaks free and ejects Kane from the ring.
Outside, the two fight it out but Kane rolls him back into the ring and we continue. Kane puts Ambrose on the top buckle and tries for a Superplex but Ambrose blocks it and sends Kane to the mat. Ambrose hits an elbow and gets two. He quickly goes to another buckle but Kane nails him with an uppercut for a two count. Kane goes for a Tombstone but Ambrose leaps out and hits a Rebound Clothesline. A series of reversals ends with an Ambrose roll-up pin at 8:53.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose
RATING: **. Not bad action.
Ambrose celebrates as we go off the air.
OVERALL: *1/2. This show was like watching all of the worst matches from a RAW.
Er, that’s it.
Michael Cole & Byron Saxton are the guys on the mics…
The Usos start us off because this show can’t start without them these days.
MATCH #1: The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Gold & Stardust (non-title)
The Miz, Damien Miz-dow, Los Matadores and El Torito are all doing commentary. Cole shoots a Selfie with El Torito. Miz and Saxton tell him to knock it off. Everyone argues. It’s one of these kinds of nights. Gold and Jimmy start and it’s a slight slap-fight to begin. Jimmy gets knocked from the ring and Jimmy rolls him up quickly for two. Star tags in while the Matadors talk like Speedy Gonzales on Cocaine. Star gets dumped from the ring. So does Gold. They go for Dual Flying Usos but the Dusts back off. The Dusts head backstage but the Usos chase. Miz speaks Spanish horribly while the Matadors grunt shit at him loudly. Usos do their Rockers bit on Star back in the ring. Jimmy hits an elbow on Star off a Whip and gets two. Tag to Jey. He tosses Star to the corner but Star kicks Jey in the face when he charges. Star chokes Jey. Gold slaps him. Jey chases. Star interrupts and knocks Jey down outside. Thankfully, we go to break.
The Dusts still control things when we come back. Star hits Jey in the back after tossing him into the ropes. Cole makes Torito twerk. Saxton apologizes to Miz. Oh, sweet jeebus, please just cut to the next match already. Gold tags in and he hits a headlock on Jey. Gold tosses Jey into Star. Both men fall outside the ring. Jey hits a hot tag to Jimmy. Gold tags Star and Jimmy hits a Samoan Drop after some chops. Gold tries to interfere and gets an Enzuguri. Gold rolls out of the ring and it’s a Flying Uso. Star nails Jimmy off the top rope and gets two. He runs at Jimmy who uppercuts Star and it’s a Corkscrew Moonsault. Gold comes in and hits a Spinbuster. Jey takes him out. Star tries Dark Matter but gets nailed with a Superkick, followed by the Superfly Splash for the win at 8:55.
WINNERS: The Usos via Superfly Splash
RATING: **. The end of the thing saved it but the commentary just killed the rest.
TONIGHT: Jack Swagger will face Bray Wyatt.
ALSO: We will get a review of the LONG, LONG, LOOOOONG lead-up to Survivor Series.
ON SMACKDOWN: Dean Ambrose’s “Survival Kit”, if you care.
AT SURVIVOR SERIES: There will be a “Divas Traditional Elimination Match”. Nattie, Alicia Fox, Emma and Naomi will face Cameron, Paige, Summer and Rosa, I guess.
MATCH #2: Paige vs. Alicia Fox
This feud STILL EXISTS! Some dropkicks by Fox to lead things off, followed by a Spinning Backbreaker and two count. Botched Irish Whip reversal and some careless wandering and Paige hits an awkward kick, getting two. Paige chokes Fox in the corner, then hits Body Scissors. Paige hits a high kick to Fox and gets a two count. Paige knees Fox in the head repeatedly, then climbs on top of her, practically humping her. Fox reverses this and gets a pin at 3:43.
WINNER: Alicia Fox
RATING: 1/4*, if that.
Renee Young’s Guest at This Time are Adam Rose and the Special Bus plus Bunny. Young recalls when Bunny tried to hump Adam Rose. Thanks for that. Rose says that Bunny has issues. He tells the Bunny not to hump him. Seriously. He says that Bunny was useless and aimless and dirty before Rose found him. He saved Bunny like all his other Rosebuds. So he’s a “God” now. This is an unfortunate storyline.
MATCH #3: Tyson Kidd & Natalya vs. Adam Rose & Bunny in an “Interspeicies Tag Team Match”
This is billed like it’s something new. You know, except for Torito and Hornswoggle in the Gator suit. Bunny is up against Nattie to start. Tyson tags himself in, instead. He asks for a kiss, which Nattie gives him because fuck women. Rose tags himself in and that’s one minute of my life gone. OMG, Rose and Kidd go for a test of strength and we’re at 2 minutes with no action whatsoever. Rose talks to Bunny. Tyson talks Nattie. FINALLY, Kidd starts beating on Rose, stomping at him in the corner. He slingshots Rose’s head into the bottom turnbuckle and hits a swinging neckbreaker for two. Rose begins fighting back and hits a Sleeper which Kidd immediately breaks. Bunny tags himself in and he hits a dropkick off the ropes. He hops all over Kidd in the corner, which causes Kidd to roll out of the ring. Bunny tells Kidd to get into the ring and holds the ropes for him. Kidd his an Enzuguri, then the Sharpshooter. Bunny begs Rose for help but Rose just smiles at him and Bunny taps at 4:47.
WINNER: Kidd & Nattie
I simply have nothing to say. There’s no reason I should be seeing any of this.
We get the Team Cena/Team Authority recap.
Cole tells us we won’t see Sheamus at Survivor Series because he has a stinger in his arm and narrowing of the spinal cord and a compression of the neck. Ugh.
Bray comes out and it’s blah, blah, blah, neglect, blah, blah, blah, redemption, blah, blah, blah, sin. He’s mad because Ambrose attacked him. We go to break before the match.
We have a Macho Man documentary on WWE Network! 😀
MATCH #4: Bray Wyatt vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter)
Bray sits in the corner. Like Raven. Then he does Spider Mode early. Swagger doesn’t give a shit. Wyatt clubs at Swagger, then kicks him. Swagger hits a Belly to Belly on a comeback, then knees Bray in the gut in the corner. Swagger continues to beat on Wyatt but Bray fights back and tosses him from the ring. Bray absolutely takes Swagger’s head off with a huge clothesline, then tosses him back in the ring and uppercuts him. He taunts Colter, grinning at him, then puts Swagger in a reverse headlock. Swagger fights free but Bray won’t let go and hits a snap suplex and Reverse Senton. Two count. Wyatt puts Swagger in a headlock. Swagger breaks with a Side Suplex. He hits a huge clothesline and Big Boot. Swagger Bomb gets two. Swagger goes for a Spinebuster but Wyatt counters, then runs into Swagger’s Patriot Lock. Wyatt breaks it and hits an elbow on a run. He goes for Sister Abigail because Swagger can’t move all of the sudden. Bray wins at 5:23.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt via Sister Abigail
RATING: **. Short but decent.
Bray “ravens” as we go off the air.
OVERALL: *. This was barely a show, glued together with shit.
Er, that’s it.