Last time out, Alex was given the axe for having no knowledge of anything wrestling-related. Not even the time Hogan slammed Andre at WrestleMania III, brother. Meanwhile, WWE mercilessly teased its audience with blood and guts violence by practically feeding its cast to a bunch of lazy alligators in the middle of a Florida swamp. Who will be eliminated tonight? Will Chris Jericho care about being on the show? WILL WE GET TO SEE MORE OF PAIGE’S NEW “ASSETS”??? Let’s find out…
Hi there! Helluva day, wasn’t it? I hope everyone is well
week saw Hank going bye-bye after Paige took a flamethrower to his
sorry ass for demeaning women while Josh and ZZ survived for simply
being there. Looking at this episode’s title, it looks like we’re gonna
have a ZZ-centric episode…so let’s settle in.
says that he wants to see more character from the competitors. Paige
just resorts to calling them all “boring, which is sad”. Hogan doesn’t
see it that way, brother. Yes, he even calls Paige “Brother”. Chris
likes when Hogan calls Paige “brother” and we get the first set of
hangs out with a couple of the girls who are, like OMG, sooooo
surprised Josh was in the Bottom 3 last week. Josh tells the camera that
he feels like everyone’s scheming. After the jump-cut, everyone in the
cast is suddenly in the room. Amanda brags about beating Gabi and,
ruh-roh, 3 and a half minutes in, the gloves are off. Gabi wants Amanda
to go home. So does Daria. Dianna isn’t happy about Amanda’s yapping.
So, Amanda gets right in her face and talks shit about Dianna and her
fiance and, suddenly, all we can hear is the sound of women screaming at
each other while the men stand around, wondering how the hell they got
on the set of The Bachelor. The result? After Amanda trash-talks to
everybody in within a three-block radius, everyone somehow hates Dianna. (DANIELLE: “Editing, PAL!”)
enough of that, Alex doesn’t know anything about wrestling. This makes
Patrick mad! MAD!!! REALLY MAD!!! And he yells at Alex really LOUD!!!
Alex violently shakes his head at Patrick like Ali’s throwing punches
and declares, “KNOWLEDGE MEANS NOTHING, BRO”, a phrase so deep, I cannot
possibly reflect on its subtle, yet playful, near-literary symbolism.
Wild Florida’s Ultimate Wilderness Air Boat
contestants get brought out to an island in the middle of the Glades.
Booker, Billy Gunn and Lita announce that this is the next challenge.
Booker tells them to look around and take a good, steamy look at the
gator-infested swamp. A “gator expert” shows the contestants “what can
hurt them” by bringing out a wittle baby gator. D’awwwww! Then he loses
control of it and nearly gets his hand bitten off. (DANIELLE: SAVE HIM, ZZ! GO HELP HIM, “GATOR”!!!) Amanda is afraid that they’re gonna “die”.
challenge is as follows: swim over to their floaty boat of doom, grab a
WWE belt and swim back to shore with it — all without being mutilated
and/or eaten by alligators. Please? The WWE would like to get through
this exercise without a pending lawsuit. So, make sure nothing
kills you. To add a fun little wrinkle to things: Patrick, the token
black guy…he can’t swim.
Yeah. WWE went there. Dianna is afraid of dark water and the movie, “Lake Placid”. That ruined her for life.
But, hey! Ironically, she’s first. Patrick still can’t swim and
“Gator”, for all his bragging, is practically just inches ahead or
behind Patrick, depending on the camera angle. Alex nearly drowns until
the medics leap into the horrible, non-gator-infested waters to “save”
him. (DANIELLE: ZZ is 0-for-fucking-2 in the “saving people in the swamp”. Not good.) Dianna
gets back to shore, so she’s cool. Booker laughs at Patrick which just
doubles down on 11 and raises the table $50,000 dollars and gold watch
in terms of presenting racist stereotypes. Tanner “beats” Josh to shore
but we could be wrong. Josh claims Tanner cheated, so that ends in a
manly shoving match which only takes Booker saying “Hey, guys, now…”
to make them stop.
Alex is stuck and barely gets to the boat. He doesn’t even swim back to the island as the crew helps him get to “safety” while the “dangerous gators that could murder you at any time” float there, doing nothing. (DANIELLE: Waiting for the production team to take them back to the plastic prop store.)
Back on the island, Booker congratulates the winners and shames Mada
and Alex for their failure. Billy Gunn channels R. Lee Ermey and chews
out Daria for dropping her belt. The team leaves on an air boat while Patrick and Alex mope. (DANIELLE: Alex was right: knowledge don’t mean shit when you can’t swim.)
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Young informs us that Gabi created a CAW and challenged Nikki Bella to a
fight on WWE 2K15 over Twitter. She even has the balls to label it
#DreamMatch. (DANIELLE: Nikki better watch out. Gabi can manhandle Summer Rae on “Easy” mode.)
WWE PERFORMANCE CENTER
and Josh argue while playing pool while Daria and Giorgia talk and
agree to take down Dianna. Dianna and Gabi, however, form their own
faction and nothing is remotely interesting about this except that both
pairs share matching first initials. Gabi is skeptical but is willing
to accept a temporary partnership. Patrick watches the whole thing,
eye-fucking them from the comfort of the pool table and then tries to
instigate a threesome by making them “kiss and make up”. Dianna’s
disgusted and leaves. (DANIELLE: She didn’t stay for a lesbian make-out session on WWE programming? Oh, she’s definitely gone now.) Patrick offers to kiss Gabi and, at this point, the moment is so awkward, Gabi’s
blank stare seems sexy in comparison. Meanwhile, Mada gets on his APPLE
IPHONE™ and facetimes with his hot blonde wife and his child in a
fairly touching moment.
The next day…
Reigns is in the ring and each woman competitor swoons and wrings out
their panties as per contractual obligation. Reigns is edited down with a
soft glow like a picture on Instagram. Reigns introduces himself and
wants to know if they wanna get beat up. He demos a move, using a couple
of trainers. The men watch, stunned, as Medium Show crushes Almost
Fandango off the top rope. The women, however, are still inside of Fifty
Shades of Grey, wishing Reigns would crush them under his weight over
and over and over.
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Meanwhile, back at the set of Kitchen Stadium, Chris Jericho admits that Roman Reigns even turns him
on. Daniel Bryan’s got a boner, too, while Hogan and Paige talk about
what the competitors need to do. These segments are really kinda
worthless and should be limited to the beginning and end, at most.
Jericho explains the voting system, telling people to “vote who you want
to win” in case you have NO idea how “voting” works.
Back at the Gym
The men take falls backward. Roman Reigns isn’t involved in any of this. (DANIELLE: Having most likely exploded from his own sexiness.) Then
it’s time for the competitors to take falls off of the top turnbuckle.
Gabi fails miserably, being “afraid of heights” of about five feet or
more and everyone lands on their backs, heads and tailbones. (DANIELLE: Who needs goddamn alligators?) Lita names Giorgia the women’s winner while Booker proclaims Patrick the guy’s winner. (DANIELLE: White men can’t fall either, I guess.) Billy tells them that there will be a loser today.
arguing about…oh. Sorry. It happened that fast after the break. I
didn’t even have fucking time to type what happened. Daria is shamed and
Dianna just yells about bitch-asses and theoretical
women-hanging-onto-cliffs. In the next room — I can’t even make this up
if I was tripping — Giorgia and ZZ listen to the argument through the
wall using cups as hearing aid devices. The rest of the case does the “cup-to-wall” bullshit which defeats the point because you can already hear everything.
Dianna sexually bribes ZZ into switching rooms with her so that ZZ can mess with her roommate. (DANIELLE: What, was the roommate like, “ZZ’s gonna live with me? AWESOME!” I don’t think that happened…)
FULL SAIL UNIVERSITY
Jericho says it’s time for the judges to ask competitors questions.
and Alex are called up by Daniel Bryan. He commends them for not being
able to swim. He asks what Alex what he meant with his “Knowledge means
nothing quote”. Alex replies that it’s a physical game, not a mental
one. Patrick (DANIELLE: …kisses Bryan’s ass…) agrees with that (DANIELLE: Same thing.) and
Daniel Bryan agrees with Patrick’s assessment and everyone agrees that
Alex is the new Confucius. Paige snaps everyone back to reality, calling
Alex a moron while Hogan agrees with Paige.
weird and tells ZZ that “The Rock eats the best pie”. He wants to know
what kind of “pie” ZZ likes to eat. Daniel Bryan follows up with an
actual tough question: “What do you want to see when you’re in the
women’s bedroom?” Hogan follows this up with where Dianna is sleeping.
Dianna talks about how ZZ left a pair of dirty underwear in her room and
she can smell them. Best show ever.
the ZZ suck-up party and calls up Amanda and Sarah. She admonishes them
both for being phonies and tells them to step back.
Hogan verbally berates Mada and we end that.
Here’s your Bottom 3:
- Alex (Bryan – Alex needs to have more discipline)
- Sarah (Paige – Sarah has no personality)
- Dianna (Hogan – She wins challenges but hates people)
When we come back, the Bottom 3 appeals:
– She’s herself. She gave up everything for all of this. She just
hasn’t been “showcased”. She won’t jump into the camera and fight with
- Alex – Alex can’t decide who should go home but
finally names Dianna, the popular answer. They ask him one question with
ten seconds left to answer and he talks about exhibiting courage though
he’s kinduva loser.
- Dianna – Dianna is hot, blonde and fights. And she’s BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
Daniel Bryan, Paige and Hogan don’t want to save anyone. (DANIELLE: Then why have that stupid rule if you aren’t gonna use it?)
- Eva Marie was selected for her second Muscle & Fitness Hers
cover because, apparently, they don’t realize there are other Divas who
are not only in shape, they actually wrestle, too. She freaks out
about her weight, and barely eats and works out too much until Cameron
becomes concerned. She and Eva’s husband, Jon, team up with an artist to
show her that though she sees herself as fat, she’s in the 1% of people
in terms of fitness.
- Paige, Alicia and Rosa hang out and declare they are the “Three
Amigas” when, in reality, they are really “The Divas Nobody Cares About
or Will Hang Out With”. Paige acts like her flirty self and Rosa kisses
her. When Paige says she’s not interested, Rosa goes out of her way to
avoid her, enlisting Alisha to attempt to fix their friendship.
- Brie, having a delayed reaction to her home being the target of an
attempted robbery, hires contractors to put in barbed wire that her
husband, Daniel, didn’t want. He convinces her that they can form a
neighborhood watch and she decides that might make her feel safe enough
to not need to move.
Who will Rosa stalk next? Will Nattie be miserable?
Who is DABOMBDOTCOM? How much boob will we see? What the hell’s wrong
with Eva THIS week? Matt and I crawl through the muck that is Total
John and Nikki’s House
is ready to work out so, naturally, John Cena (who, at this point, I’m
convinced owns more costumes than a Hollywood wardrobe shop) walks
outside to join her, dressed in a wrestling singlet with a Luchadore
mask for some reason. Nikki’s somehow turned on by this (MATT: Some where, Sin Cara is grinning.)
and tells the camera that when her man comes out in spandex, she wants
to do “cardio inside”, so she decides to have sex with John rather than
work out. She goes Fifty Shades and tells him to put the mask back on as
they go inside. (MATT: She took THAT “seriously”, didn’t she?)
DALLAS, TX for Hell in a Cell
Ringside – Nikki vs. Brie
Nikki and Brie have a match
against each other as — at this point — WWE had to blow off their feud
after they made up, by inertia, on Total Divas. Brie tells the camera
the person she’s always wanted a match against was Nikki. The crowd does
the “Yes” chant to cheer on Brie. (MATT: Which I still don’t
understand. Bryan’s a face. Brie’s a…heel? I guess? It’s not clear.
So, it’s weird to see Brie doing a YES chant when Nikki and Brie aren’t
faces.) Brie uses the Yes lock on Nikki but Nikki breaks free. Nikki wins and the crowd boos her.
AUSTIN, TX for WWE Superstars
The Three Amigas are still friends this week and hang out backstage. (MATT: Oh, thank god.) Rosa points out how dry her lips are. Paige jokes it looks like she has herpes. (MATT: And Rosa storms off, saying she no longer wants to hang out while Fox pouts with concern.) Rosa says she doesn’t have herpes. Paige goes into protective “whoa, dude” mode and says she was just joking about the Herpes. (MATT: Because dry lips totally look like Herpes.)
Ringside – Tyson vs. Sin Cara
Nattie is now Tyson’s valet and tells the camera it’s awkward for her because of their (MATT: totally fake)
separation. A bunch of fans chant “NATTIE’S HUSBAND” during that match,
which really sums up his ring persona quite well. Tyson wins against
Sin Cara, which also does his credibility no favors. It’s like our cat,
Inky, defeating a leaf that wandered in from the patio. Nattie tells the
camera that “the struggle between them is real” (MATT: As real as her breasts.) and no one over 5 years old watching this show is fooled.
goes to TJ and calls him out in a whiny voice. She tells the camera she
has waited her whole career to work with him and now that it’s a
reality, it really sucks. He admonishes her, telling her that, when they
go through the curtain to the ring, they are working. This is surreal:
WWE and Total Divas are supposed to line up. Total Divas would have us
believe that TJ and Nattie are on the cusp of a total split while WWE
Creative thinks that they’re the Macho Man and Elizabeth. Every other
Diva’s storyline reflects Total Divas. (MATT: Nothing makes sense anymore in WWE. This Monday’s edition of RAW was a major indicator of that.)
“The Three Amigas” goof off backstage by pushing each other around on a service cart, down the hall. (MATT: Total disregard of OSHA regulations is SO FUNNY!) They see Cameron and Alicia is reluctant to be nice to her as they have “a history”. (MATT: They do?!)
Alicia storms out even using Cameron’s oh-so-clever “Girl, Bye” line.
She tells Rosa and Paige that she is trying to be cool with everyone but
Alicia won’t have any of it. Rosa invites her on a “girl’s trip”, (MATT: Another one?!)
which is comprised of Rosa and — surprise!!! Alicia Fox. Paige can’t
go because she’ll be with WWE’s Worldwide Tour in Malaysia. (MATT: Rosa, pro-tip here – if it’s you and another girl, you might as well give up and stay in town to take in a movie.) Cameron likes this idea. (MATT: Which, considering the most recent stand-off between Fox and Cameron, makes NO sense whatsoever in any fucking dimension you happen to inhabit.) She says that her and Fox can bond personally and, as they are both heels, they could join forces in the ring.
Dolph Ziggler flirts with Nattie as she’s hanging out with Naomi. He
says he wants Nattie to text him. She says she will “once she’s on the
market”. She tells Naomi that her dad is sick, her relationship is a
mess, and all she has now is work. To make matters worse, she has to
fumigate her house and stay in a hotel. Naomi offers to let her stay with them, (MATT: Like last time when that ended well.) and Nattie agrees but she needs Naomi to pick her up as our Calamity Jane has transmission problems on her car. (MATT: What is she, Job all of the sudden?!)
Luci’s Healthy Marketplace
Brie drags Nikki in to get coffee and grocery shop. Nikki finds a horse mask (MATT: Totally not just placed there by the prop department because those are readily available at organic grocery stores all over the country.)
and forces Brie to put it on for a photo. Then Nikki proceeds to call
Brie an “idiot” for being subservient and doing what she says. (MATT: Creative’s shitty Bella storyline’s leaking into other programming…ugh.) Anyhow,
we go from horse heads to making good on contractually mentioning
vaginas at least once an episode by browsing for organic tampons, which
Nikki claims “naturally works with your body”. (MATT: Are the tampons debating legislation inside her womb? What does that even mean?) Nikki also points out “vegan-certified condoms”. (MATT: Which totally sounds like something Nikki would use since she’s Vegan.)
Brie mentions she doesn’t use condoms as she’s married, Nikki,
apparently only knowing one form of birth control that exists, tells her
that if she doesn’t use condoms, she’ll have babies. Brie admits she
isn’t on any birth control as that’s putting chemicals in her body.
Instead, she has Bryan use the pull out method which Brie dubs, “The Old
Fashioned Way”. (MATT: Right now, Luci’s Market’s like, “The publicity’s worth it, the publicity’s worth it, the publicity’s worth it…”)
(DANIELLE’S NOTE: I was in college when I heard the joke, what do you
call people who only use the method for birth control? Parents.) Nikki
tells her that she needs to think about their career, which makes no
sense since Brie as a valet is about the same as Brie in the ring,
wrestling. (MATT: Nikki actually meant “MY” career.) Brie says it’s her life and she doesn’t wake up in the morning and think of Nikki and “their career”.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Beach Bunny (Boutique)
Alicia and Rose try on bathing suits for their trip and then pretend in front of the store clerks that they’re gonna walk right out the door with their bikinis on. (MATT: Man, they make Emma look like Ethan Hunt.) The store clerks don’t give a shit and they just laaaaaugh…
|(MATT: “Petty larceny is hilarious!!!”)|
get lots of jiggling and then the girls take off in Alicia’s car.
Alicia is still bummed that Cameron is going on the trip. Alicia says
people are different at work than in real life and implies they will get
along great. Rosa assures her that nothing will happen. Alicia wants a
“pinky swear” on that.
John and Nikki’s House
is opening champagne and her and John toast getting the last rays of
the day as well as her successful merchandise meeting to build up “The
Bella Brand”. John is impressed that she is meeting with all the right
merch people. Apparently, they are the first Divas to get that much —
then she calls herself the “female John Cena” on camera as they now have
lots of merch like he does. (MATT: To be fair, they both have huge chests.)
Nikki brings up that she is worried that Brie isn’t using birth control
except for Bryan pulling out. John thinks it’s their business as they
are married. Nikki continues, however, to argue her side. (MATT:
Which causes Cena to slightly roll his eyes and emit a frustrated
sigh/grunt as the writers force him to pull Nikki from the Idiot Ledge
again.) “I can’t stop thinking about Brie’s sex life,” she tells the
camera. Nikki, didn’t you have a fit when Brie was interfering in your
personal life? John starts with the logic train and tells her that it’s
out of Nikki’s hands, prompting Nikki to tell the camera, “That is NOT
the answer I was looking for!” Nikki’s pissed and wonders how Brie is
going to have a child and what she might do with it after they have it. (MATT: Yeah, Brie. Nobody’s ever had kids in WWE before. This is foreign territory.) She says that having a baby is not good for business. (MATT: And, Triple H is on the phone, seeing if he can sue for breach of trademark on his key phrase.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
arrives for the “girl’s weekend” which, inexplicably, means her
boyfriend, Vincent, is there as well. Alicia, expecting this to be a
girl’s trip exclusively for girls, is not happy with this. She tells the
camera Cameron can’t do anything without her boyfriend, stating, “We
already have a 3rd wheel. We don’t need 18 more.” (MATT: She’s ruined
the same metaphor twice in one show and now she’s adding wheels to the
ruined metaphor so that it makes even less sense.) Cameron is wearing a black leather dress with studded collar which Rosa just loves. (MATT: I didn’t see that coming, did you?) Then
Cameron twerks. Then Rosa tries to imitate Cameron twerking and this is
so disturbing, it makes Vincent look physically ill.
|(PICTURED: The effect Rosa has on just about every single man on the planet.)|
tells the camera she is excited as they are going to dance the night
away. Cameron is excited to be working with Alicia and thinks this trip
will help them not want to kill each other at work.
|(MATT: And then, they danced as Vincent
pondered his very existence in the corner.)
complains about being Naomi and Nattie’s “chauffeur” as they roll up in
front of Nattie’s place. Because we need to be reminded that Nattie’s
still human and not a crazy lizard person/cat lady, we get a really
goofy segment where Nattie’s neighbor shows up to tell Nattie how
“sorry” she is about her and TJ.
|(WRITERS: “Betty White wouldn’t return our calls after her guest spot on RAW.”)|
who’s only supposed to be staying with the Uso couple for a “few days”,
has enough packed bags for a few weeks — then realizes she left
something in the house. So, naturally, Nattie decides to go in and get
it. Despite the house being sealed up with signs reading “FUMIGATION”
and “CAUTION: DEADLY POISON”. (MATT: It’s cool. Those chemicals actually keep Nattie sane.) Nattie
puts a blanket over her head to go get her cats’ bowls. Naomi tells the
camera she hopes Nattie makes it out as they are not going in to get
her. (MATT: Nice to know that’s on tape for the eventual inquiry into Nattie’s death.)
Nattie reappears, sans blanket, but with the bowl and states that “she
held her breath” the entire time. Couldn’t she have gone to a store and
bought another bowl? (MATT: It’s Nattie. If she needed milk and she
locked herself out of her house, she would have broken into a neighbor’s
house to get it, then asked Naomi and Jimmy to cover up the robbery.)
TJ has one of their cats, as it turns out. That cat couldn’t handle new
surroundings. Nattie yacks about how awful her life is. Her separation
is hell and she makes reference to her father, Jim Neidhart, undergoing
some medical crisis. The cats are shedding in the car it gets in John’s
eye and on the straw to his drink. The hair gets in Naomi’s mouth as
Naomi and Jimmy claim that they’re happy to help.
Brie and Daniel’s House
is helping Daniel in the garden and says that Josie (their dog) likes
to pee in their garden. Brie somehow glides right into the fact that
Nikki wants them to use condoms. Daniel brings up the “we’re married”
argument. She reminds Daniel that she had been on the pill before, but
it made her moody and gain weight, and then she says it also gave her
“bigger boobs”. Bryan doesn’t remember that part. (MATT: Just go with it, Bryan. It’s nonsense. Like “The Bella Brand”.)
Brie says that Nikki’s worried about their careers. Bryan reminds her
that they’ve been split up several times and their careers were just
fine. They decide that if Nikki needs Brie for her to make money, that
Brie must be the breadwinner in the twins’ relationship. Brie suggests
that they should have a baby. Bryan says he could start having babies
“in 10 minutes”.
LOS ANGELES, CA
The girls fight over who will drive. (MATT: For some reason.) Cameron says it’s “her city”, so she should drive. (MATT: “Her city”? What is she, Batman?) However, the car is in Alicia’s name so she wins. Rosa illogically sits in back
so the girls can fight. Cameron acts obnoxious on purpose so Alicia drives bad on purpose, though they don’t crash. (MATT: Is this fake feud worth the lives of others?)
Runyon Canyon Park
The view makes Cameron mention how happy going to NXT made her because she “perfected herself”. (MATT: And it shows, what with all that ring time she’s been getting.)
Alicia says that makes her happy as she needed it. Alicia says she’s
surprised Cameron was willing to do hard work. Cameron reminds the
camera that her goal is to be friends with Alicia so she can use her
professionally. (MATT: Aren’t these girls supposed to be jogging?) Cameron
says Fox is a “grandma” who had to spend 2 years in developmental while
she only needed to go back for 3 months. Fox tells her that her time
there really shows now.
Clever Koi (Restaurant)
is having dinner with Brie and Daniel. Nikki takes a reeeeeeally long
time, hugging Bryan from behind while Bryan looks visibly annoyed. Brie
says Nikki smashed her boobs into her husband’s head. Bryan: “Don’t
worry. They just felt like two hard rocks.” Nikki’s insulted and says,
“They’re just silicone.” Nikki tells the camera she will put an end to
them only using the “pull-out method” and she “will not take no for an
answer”. (MATT: DIDN’T WE JUST HAVE NIKKI PISSED OFF AT BRIE THREE EPISODES AGO FOR DOING THIS VERY THING?!)
Brie says her husband will be a great stay-at-home Dad. Brie says that
now that she is married, she likes coming home and being normal. Nikki
chides the couple for their birth control choice and says that they can
accidentally get pregnant. Brie finally calls out Nikki on camera,
saying Nikki is a hypocrite who got mad when she got in her personal
life and now she is doing the same thing. They remind Nikki that she
even wants marriage and kids. Brie says having a family would be the
best thing she ever did. She says the bit with Stephanie was already her
career-high. Nikki says this affects THEDEMONVIPERVIGILANTEBELLABRAND™.
Nikki says it’s time to start thinking about her and not about what they
want. Brie tells her if they want to start trying that night, they
will. Daniel calls her out for only thinking of money. Brie says Nikki
will never be a mother, thus she doesn’t want Brie to be one either, and
Nikki says that is hitting below the belt. Brie says it’s “disgusting”
that she’d bring up that kind of stuff in public. (MATT: Yeah, a public restaurant is for tasteful conversation about things like seal slit and using tablecloths as tampons.) Both
Brie and Nikki both claim to have lost their appetite. Bryan isn’t even
interested in faking this shit and starts eating from Brie’s plate.
John and Naomi’s House
is cleaning up a mess the cat left on the kitchen floor. Jon asks if
Nattie has seen their wedding pics as that’s just what you do with
someone who is going through marital strife. (MATT: Didn’t they get married like a YEAR ago?)
They ask Nattie how she and TJ are doing. Nattie admits to looking back
at their past. Nattie says their photos remind her a lot of what she
and TJ had. They encourage her to cry about her marriage. (MATT: She’s always
crying. If only California could find a way to redirect her tear ducts
into their water supply, we’d end the drought in a week.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
girls are poolside and admire a woman’s flesh colored bikini top with
fake nipples on it, which the woman dubs, “The Tata Top”. (MATT: And WWE censors the not-really-bewbz.)
|(MATT: Susan G. Komen would be so proud right now.)|
girls randomly talk about who they resemble. Rosa says she has been
mistaken for Sofia Vergara. They ask some random passerby who Cameron
looks like. The woman somehow comes up with Halle Berry. (MATT: “Here’s your $20 bucks, lady. The episode will air three months from now. Thanks for being on the show.”)
Alicia says that Cameron looks like a “bootleg Nikki Manaj”. Cameron
retaliates, telling Alicia that she looks like a “stank version of
Rhianna”. Fox invokes the “Third Wheel” metaphor again. After some more arguing, Cameron walks off so they can have their girls’ time alone.
follows Cameron to try to smooth things over, saying she thinks that
Alicia is trying to be funny. Cameron agrees to sit down with Alicia,
one on one. Both girls admit they think the other started out as mean.
Cameron is surprised to hear that Alicia feels like Cameron was there to
replace her. Cameron says, on camera, that there is room for everyone
in WWE. Alicia tells the camera that there are specific roles in WWE,
which is much more true than Cameron’s version of it, and that she let
her insecurity make her think Cameron was brought up to take her role,
in particular. The girls agree they can be friends. (MATT: Hooray! The Three Amigas are solid once aga–wait. Where’s Paige?)
John and Naomi’s House
comes home to a lit candle as the cat took a dump on the floor again
and complains that the cat made forts out of blankets and shed all over
them. John couldn’t handle it, so he left. (MATT: Did he knock something over before he bolted?) Nattie
hits the Guilt Trip Button and offers to leave with all her stuff and
starts to pack up. Nattie tells her not to go and to focus on the
positive things in her life. Naomi reveals she cleaned out the cat box
with her bare hands as Nattie forgot a scooper. Nattie asks for a spoon
to clean it out for the time being and is surprised when Naomi hates the
idea. (MATT: Time to get Nattie back to her place so she can huff more fumes.)
MEMPHIS, TN for WWE Superstars
and Cameron sit down to talk to Paige. Rosa points out if she kissed
Cameron, it wouldn’t mess up their lips as they have the same color on.
Cameron is not even remotely pleased by this.
|(MATT: “Rosa Achievement Unlocked – Offend both genders in one episode”)|
And Paige is like…
|(MATT: “Welcome to my private hell, sweetie.”)|
Paige says she could hug Cameron and it woudn’t feel different as they are “both wearing fur”. (MATT: And the Three Amigas are friends once aga–wait. Where’s Alicia?)
Ringside – Alicia vs. Naomi
They fight, but it’s so boring, we don’t even see how it turned out.
and Paige watch the match, Rosa spends more time looking at her phone.
Cameron is happy she is getting along with Alicia as it’s best for
business if they get along.
Meanwhile, Nikki has a
meeting with Mark Carrano, Senior Director, Talent Relations and Joe
Hickey, Manager, Talent Merchandise to see how their merch would do if
it’s only her. (MATT: Already? It’s not like Brie’s dropping a kid tomorrow.)
Mark is relieved to hear the pregnancy question is a hypothetical. He
says the Bella Twins “brand” is stronger than Fearless Nikki or Brie
Mode. Then, for some silly reason, Mark, who has already stated what
everyone would already understands asks Joe what he thinks. Joe says
Bella Twins is strong but they could brand Fearless Nikki well. In a bit
of (WWE spoilers ahead) a foreshadowing, Nikki states she may be
winning the Divas Championship soon, so that might help. Nikki is happy
her brand can be kept strong, but Mark wants Brie to come see him
immediately about her baby fever. (MATT: “You better start thinking of Mark Carrano Brand and stop pulling out!”)
HUGS AND PUNCHES
This week’s hug goes to…Brie: The
choice of if and when to be a parent is a personal decision that
shouldn’t be decided by one’s co-workers. Sure, Nikki is also her
sister, but she’s treating this like business is the only thing that
matters. She’s jealous and needs to realize her sister and her husband
need to do what’s best for them. When Brie quit WWE, I thought it was a
real-life decision, covered up by kayfabe and, maybe, that’s when they
should have tried for a family. Regardless, these two are down to earth
and would probably be great parents, I hope when the time for them to
start their family arrives they are quickly blessed with a pregnancy.
This weeks punch goes to… Nikki: Bullying,
bargaining, scheming. These are not ways to get what you want.
Especially when what you wants means if you get what you want, someone
else loses something they really want. She got all mad when Brie
interfered in her personal life and she doesn’t even see the hypocrisy
of her actions.
This week’s hug goes to…Naomi: Holy shit, it was nice to see her on the show. She may be the only sane person on the program.
Most Annoying Cast Member of Week is…Nikki: When she’s mean, she’s mean. When she’s determined, she’s mean. When she’s nice, she’s mean.
I can’t stand her and I really can’t stand Brie, either. Both women are
arrogant and need to be taken down a peg — but Nikki continues to
appear here, outshining her sister once again.
On Episode 28 of The Kevin Kelly Show, Kevin welcomes in for WWE superstar and current CEO of the Cauliflower Alley Club, Brian Blair. Brian talks about the upcoming Club event, Kelly Kelly, the final days of the Killer Bees, his time wresting in Florida, an amazing rib that he was the target of and much, much more!
Kevin & JR then discuss the road to Fast Lane, whether or not Daniel Bryan is going to main event WrestleMania, the future of NXT and Kevin Owens’ chance of becoming a top WWE star plus more. They also do some sports talk as well as the ever popular Trending Topics, including stories on getting fired over Twitter, Bruce Jenner and Legend of Zelda! Kevin then wraps up by starting to build his very own Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame!
So please join us for another great episode of the Kevin Kelly Show!
In our last epsiode…
- Paige annoyed Natalya by using sexuality in their matches together.
Nattie (probably getting more action in ring than out of it the way her
marriage is going) asked Paige to stop and, to no one’s surprise, she
didn’t. Nattie claimed she would harass Paige back, but I’m sure this
storyline will dead end because reasons.
- Nikki was convinced that she was a better athlete than John Cena, so
she challenged him to a decathlon of events to be picked by a friend of
his that The events included miniature golf, Skee Ball and Beer Pong
— with Cena dressing in outfits that matched each one as he’s rich. He
beat Nikki at them, which annoyed her. Somehow, he got her to apologize
for taking the games too seriously.
- Eva Marie found out the silicone breast implants she had were
leaking. She tried to put off having them removed as her career was on
an upswing and taking time off would work against her. Her husband
called her boss which left Eva Marie was furious, then ended up
apologizing to him after she had the surgery.
twins visit Eva Marie who is recovering from her surgery (seen last
week). Nikki asks how “the girls” are going while motioning to her own
implants. Eva decides to show them by pulling her shirt down so they can
see how swollen they are. Nikki and Brie both feel them.
|(MATT: Slow down! I haven’t even opened up the fucking
wine yet so we can properly enjoy this episode!)
amazed at how “warm” they are to try to get her twin to want to get
hers done so they match. Jon arrives with appetizers and, instead of
enjoying the free show and shatters his “window of opportunity”,
telling Nikki and Brie not to touch his wife’s boobs. Out of nowhere,
Brie calls Nikki out for not wearing underwear and says they have to let
Eva know so she can wash the couch when they leave. Jon sprays the
couch with some cleaner after Nikki gets up. Nikki’s humorously offended
and says she doesn’t leave “snail trails.” (MATT: I can smell this scene…and I think I want to throw up…) Brie says she can’t sit anymore there and pulls her sister down on her lap. Nikki humps at her. (MATT: What the actual fuck did I just watch?!)
Bella Twins walk through the brick-covered streets of Wichita,
comparing it to “New York”. Nikki says it’s “fun” to imagine being “born
in the 20’s”. Brie gets real deep, arbitrarily speculating that “the
man who invents the time machine will be, like, the wealthiest man on
the planet.” (MATT: Thankfully, they stop there because Brie’s head
would have exploded like Scanners had she continued that line of
The Brickyard (Restaurant)
twins, Nattie, Cameron (and surprise cameo, Naomi) are meeting for
brunch. Nattie, for some reason, asks what happens to the people who
robbed Brie and Daniel Bryan’s house recently. Brie says one went to
jail and two others are “trying to get parole”. We get a quick retro
montage of news reports on the event, including the bit about Daniel
Bryan putting one of the burglars in a “rear naked chokehold” so he
couldn’t escape. Brie says the cops told them they should get a gun and
admits they still don’t have a burglar alarm. They do have Josie, but
she’s probably as worthless as a watchdog as Cameron is in the ring. (MATT: Oh, you…) Nattie says the burglars might want to come back for revenge. (MATT: And you can see the second robbery attempt for only $9.99.) Brie
says she doesn’t wanna talk about it. Nikki tells the camera that her
sister is naive and that if it were her, she’d have the best security
system ever. (MATT: If the burglars can get past the guards manning the gate to Cena’s property, that is.)
Carrano, WWE VP of Communications, calls Eva to let her know that
Muscle and Fitness Hers wants her to do another photo shoot. She reminds
us that she is the first Diva to get a cover. (MATT: Despite the fact that she’s does nothing at all, ever in WWE.)
In our new weekly segment, “What the Fuck’s Wrong With Eva Marie This
Week?”, Eva states that she’s nervous as she hasn’t worked out since her
surgery and has a very short time to bust her ass in order to look
good. (MATT: Yeah, she’ll need to shed that whole pound she picked up.)
is shopping with Paige. Paige tries on a headband and Rosa mocks her by
saying she looks like Brie. Rosa says she needs to get more Botox, but
Paige says she already looks beautiful. Paige tells the camera that Rosa
has confidence issues. (MATT: Which is why she has no problem hitting on anything that moves.)
The girls try on clothes. Rosa tells the camera that Paige really turns
her on. Rosa says she wants more plastic surgery and Paige tells her
she doesn’t need it. (MATT: It’s a trick, Paige. Get an axe.)
Marie is working out with Cameron. Eva loses her footing while on the
treadmill and Cameron asks if she is OK. Cameron tells the camera that
she gets why Eva’s doing this but that she’s hitting the workout too
hard. After an intense workout, she goes back for more.
She also might think about getting a gun. Daniel says it won’t stop
people from approaching the house. Didn’t we just see this same story
with Eva and Jon?
and her sister and are there when Rosa and Paige arrive. Rosa and Paige
sit on an old leather sofa, writhing and moaning, while Paige says the
couch is “so sexual”. Alicia and her sister chuckle uncontrollably from
across the table. (MATT: Did I miss a scene where everyone popped Ex like Tic Tacs? I don’t get this at all.) Rosa asks to see Alicia’s closet Paige informs the camera that the three of them are the “Three Amigas”. (MATT: All of the sudden.) Rosa tells Alicia that they need to go out tonight so that Rosa can find a “pretty boy or pretty girl”. (MATT: No confidence whatsoever.) Alicia’s
sister looks a bit weirded out by Rosa’s preferences and tells Rosa
that she has not been with a girl. Paige confesses that she has. Paige
leaves the house to work out and Rosa tells the remaining girls that
knowing that Paige has been with a girl, her feelings for her have
“evolved”. (MATT: “Evolved”? They’ve been together all of two minutes.) Alicia’s sister says she is coming on too strong and Alicia agrees, saying that Rosa is misreading Paige’s feelings.
is freaking out that she won’t be ready for the shoot. She tells Nattie
and Rosa that she has been skipping meals. Eva complains that she
thinks she looks fat in a promo photo plastered on one of the WWE buses.
Cameron is disgusted with Eva as she thinks she looks great. Cameron
says that WWE Divas are “role models” who “empower women” (*MATT SPITS WINE OUT OF MOUTH*) and that Eva wouldn’t even be a part of WWE if she wasn’t “The Bomb Dot Com”. (MATT: There has to be some sort of monetary sum that will make Cameron stop saying that phrase.) Titus O’Neil shows up randomly. (MATT: Kinda like he does on WWE programming. Hi-yooooo!) Cameron asks Titus to rank himself from 1 to 10 on the “Bomb Dot Com Scale”. (MATT: NOBODY can deny the science behind the results of this scale.) Naturally, Titus says he’s a “10”. Cameron asks him to rank Eva and he gives her a “10” as well, adding “you fine”. (MATT: Dr. O’Neill has spoken. Time for the peer review.) He tells Cameron she is an “8.5” due to “her attitude”. Cameron takes this seriously (MATT: Yes, but seriously as one takes Goofy Golf? I doubt that.) and keeps arguing with him and he keeps dropping the number while Cameron keeps shrieking “EWWWW!” in response.
are working out with Vince McMahon’s personal trainer. He has them do
jumping jacks, push-ups, leg lifts. Brie says she has to step up her
safety game. The personal trainer reveals he worked in security for 23
years and recommends dogs, barbed wires, and, basically, things that
make a house look like trouble.
Alicia asks Rosa if she wants a family some day. Rosa says yes. Alicia
asks if she sees herself ending up with a man or a woman. Rosa says she
likes females the most. Alicia tells the camera that she “feels like a
third wheel”. (MATT: That’s “a fifth wheel”. Look, if I have to watch
this shit, can I, at the very least, watch women who have some sort of
functioning brain inside their heads?) Alicia says she loves hanging
out with Rosa and Paige as they flirt in front of her. Later, dinner
gets out of hand. Paige fakes a fall to the ground but gets up quickly
as Alicia LOUDLY announces to guests nearby that “Rosa ran by and hit
Paige with her tits.” The three decide to leave. (MATT: Or they were tossed out. The guests seated near them didn’t look happy.) Rosa’s cab arrives, Rosa asks the cab driver to wait for a moment, then gives Paige a really awkward and uncomfortable-looking kiss. (MATT: Oh brother, not only would seeing this not turn a single viewer on, it would give them fucking measles.)
Paige asks what that was for. Rosa said she was getting signals from
Paige, but Paige says that wasn’t true at all. She says that Rosa
deserves the man or woman of her dreams, but it’s not her. Rosa insists
that things like Paige texting her back right away and flirting with her
meant she was interested. Paige denies this and says that Rosa must not
have had a proper friendship before, thus her mistaking friendship for
picks up Brie with Josie in the back. Brie asks how Josie was and
learns that she’s been pooping in the garden more. Unconcerned, (MATT: And because casual dialogue on this show is more fake than the manufactured storylines,) Brie segues into the great workout she got with Vince’s trainer. She says they should put up a “bob wire”.
|(MATT: “Bob” wire?! Can we just have this be the final episode please?)|
makes fun of her for the mispronunciation and can’t stop laughing,
despite Brie shouting at him to shut up and stop making fun of her. Brie
says, “That’s weird to say…’Barb’s wire’.” Again, Bryan corrects her
and tells her it’s “Barb Wire” because the wire has sharp, pointy barbs
on it. Brie tries to talk over his laughing and says they should get a
“motion sensor dog bark” if “that exists”. What, does Josie meow? Bryan
says he has an even better idea: a gate-activated crossbow that would
fire at anyone trying to enter. Brie says, on camera, that she LOVES
Bryan’s “crossbow idea” and that she wants to set the house up for war. (MATT: Once again…the sex better be out of this fucking galaxy…)
and Paige work out in the ring and it is mentioned that they have not
heard from Rosa since their dinner together. Paige confesses Rosa kissed
her. Alicia said she warned Rosa not to do that. Alicia suggests that
Paige was sending mixed signals. (MATT: You mean “she was asking for it”?)
and Eva are trying on clothes. Eva does not come out of the dressing
room. Cameron knocks on the door, concerned, then enters. (MATT: And is shot and killed by a motion-control crossbow.) Eva is sitting down and saying she got light headed. Eva says she hasn’t eaten since lunch the day before.
He says it makes their house looks like a prison. He says they should
do it to their neighbor’s homes without asking as well. He makes fun of
Brie’s “beware of dog” sign as well since Josie is a little ankle-biter.
Paige calls her and it goes right to voice mail. Alicia says if she
calls and Rosa answers, then it was all Paige’s fault. Rosa answers on
the second ring. This makes Paige mad.
describes where she is, so the girls go to see her. Rosa is sitting
with four dudes who all look more than interested in Rosa. (MATT: Yeah, and she’s “giving signals” and “asking for it”.)
Paige is pissed when she discovers Rosa is drinking. Rosa denies this
and tells her that it’s a Diet Coke. Paige takes her away to talk to her
and says Rosa made things weird. Rosa said that Paige made it seem like
she liked her. Paige: “SINCE FUCKING WHEN???” Alicia tries to be a
says she and Jon have a surprise for Eva Marie. Cameron has spoken to
Jon about Eva’s body issues. Eva feels threatened that they are in
cahoots together. She feels like she is in an intervention.
If they take it down, she wants to move. Daniel reminds her how much
work they spent on the place and that he shoveled dirt for 16 hours just
to put in the fencing. He says they can start a neighborhood watch if
that will make her feel safe. She says she will probably feel safe after
she goes to some watch meetings and if she does, they can stay. She
agrees take take the fence down because women are always wrong on this
the plan: Eva has to look in the mirror and tell an artist what she
looks like and he will draw what she describes. Then, his assistant will
describe what she looks like to the artist and the artist will draw her
again based on that description.And, wouldn’t you know it, Eva
describes how fat and dumpy she is. The artist sketches what she says.
Then Christopher, his assistant, looks at Eva and describes her to
Jordan and he draws his version of Eva. Eva bursts into tears when she
is shown the two drawings.
|(MATT: “The right one is what you could look like if you lost that pound, fatty.”)|
one to be upstaged, bursts into tears, too. Jon says that she has to
know how beautiful she is. Eva says that it’s hard to believe that she’s
that beautiful because of “all the stress in her life”.
and Paige are joined by Nattie, who is happy she got laundry done. Rosa
walks by and Paige tries to say hello. Rosa says she has nothing to say
to her and walks away. Paige explains the situation to Nattie. The
girls tell Paige she is so flirty and probably gave off the wrong
signals by mistake. (MATT: That’s right – another woman telling Paige that it’s HER fault that Rosa mouth-raped her. All Paige’s fault.) Alicia doubles down and tells the camera, “Paige needs to be careful next time and be more clear of her intention.” (MATT:
Having lately put up with multiple uber-feminists who don’t believe
that women don’t victim-blame and that it’s “soley men” that do this,
I’d love — LOVE — for them to explain this episode to me. Please.)
proudly wears a fake fur coat. She takes Rosa to a private room to
apologize for making her think she wanted anything more than a friend.
Rosa says she’s been rejected so much that she’s fragile, “like glass
that can break at any moment”. (MATT: So, she needs to kiss…other…glasses that are…solid. I guess…)
Rosa says Paige can still flirt with her and she won’t take it wrong.
Rosa says it means so much that she said she’s sorry. She never heard
Paige do that before. Paige says she rarely does because she doesn’t
have a heart. (MATT: And, so, Paige is sorry that Rosa kissed her because she was really asking for it. What a message.)
is getting made up and they put tanner on her. Then they put it on her
stomach and emphasize how “tiny” she is. Eva nails the photo shoot
because, weird as it sounds, she wasn’t really fat. (MATT: What a twist. Somebody call M. Night Shyamalan.)HUGS AND PUNCHES
flirty doesn’t mean you want someone to kiss you. While I don’t believe
she’s never apologized before, it probably is a rare moment in her
life, so between dodging kisses for being herself and having some
personal growth, she came off pretty normal and as somebody one could
Even if the robbery was recent (not, say, months ago when it actually
happened), putting in barbed wire without even consulting her husband
was quite immature. When you share a home and finances, you share
decisions like that.Matt
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: She’s
gonna be in this slot forever. I don’t give a damn if she’s punching
kittens and clubbing baby seals. I’m beyond baffled that she’d even be
involved with a storyline where she was blamed for somebody attempting
to make out with her.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Cameron: She
edges out Brie simply because Brie had good intentions behind her
actions. Cameron is like that teenager who never grew up. Every single
thing she does in and out of the ring is annoying. Everything she says
is annoying. Her gimmick is annoying. Her voice is annoying.
the last of this type of formatting you see on this report. We may try
something new next week. Otherwise, we hope you enjoy this week’s
- Eva Marie went to Nikki’s fertility doctor to
find out if she could have kids. She found out to her dismay that she
could and then confessed to her husband Jon that she didn’t want kids.
He managed to convince her that someday she might because only his
- Nikki blames Brie and pretty much only Brie for
going behind her back and confronting John Cena about his desire to not
get married, leading to their breakup, even though her mom and brother
- Rosa has a wardrobe malfunction and her butt
gets flashed to the world at a match. She’s horrified, then delighted by
all her new Twitter fans, so she and Alicia Fox rehearse how she could
flash a boob at a match. Even though it’s all talk, it gets back to
management who threatens to fire her then relents.
(MATT: If you weren’t convinced that Vince
McMahon was a juvenile old perv, the title of this episode should fully
convince you of that fact.)
KANSAS CITY, MO for Monday Night RAW
is in the ring with Summer Rae. Backstage, the other Divas criticize
Summer and even Nattie can’t say Summer has a good heart without
laughing. They do admit she has gorgeous hair (MATT: So, Summer’s got that going for her…which is good.)
and Alicia just says, “I can buy better hair”. Nattie dances with
Alicia to celebrate Negativity while Paige refuses to make fun of Summer
because Summer was “the only one that was nice to her when she first
arrived”. Instead, she gives Nattie the finger.
Cena’s regular gym
John and Nikki are working out. As they enter, he asks if she’s cold as her nipples are poking out through her workout outfit. (MATT: 1 minute, 47 seconds for the first boob joke. They’re slipping.) Nikki doesn’t want to work out as she just got a facial and I’m sure Matt has a dirty joke for this. (MATT: Working out after having your face made up is NOT a joke, Danielle. Also…heh…splooooge.) John has to insult her by telling her that she isn’t strong. So, Nikki flexes her arms.
|(MATT: And she can probably kick my ass. That’s disturbing.)|
To prove his point, Cena grabs a heavyweight plate
— and throws it at her. Nikki ducks in understandable fear that she’s
about to have a broken arm and two broken feet to go with them — but it
turns out the plates are plastic, not metal. Cena and his trainer, Rob
(AKA “This Fuckin’ Guy”), just laugh.
|(MATT: “Abuse is HILARIOUS!”)|
Out of nowhere, Nikki says that she can beat John
in a race. Cena begs to differ and says that he doesn’t even want to
prove he can win because he doesn’t want to embarrass her. Nikki tells
the camera, “HEY! I’m good at things, too!” (MATT: Man…sex
with her better be fucking great because I don’t think I could tolerate
Nikki for more than four seconds before walking out of the room.)
This Fuckin’ Guy says that they should have a contest to determine who
is the better of the two by doing a “decathlon”. Nikki says that sounds
fun but it shouldn’t include an IQ test because she’ll lose, saying, “He
knows bigger words than me!” (MATT: Make that REAL fucking great.) Rob will set it up for them.
Eva Marie and Jon’s apartment
gets out of the shower and tells Jon that her breasts feel different.
Jon feels her boobs. He tells her that he feels lumps. Dr. Obvious tells
her if her silicone ruptures, it would be a nightmare. She tells us
this is the worst possible time in her career for a medical issue
because she’s “finally getting a big push” and “has momentum”. (MATT: Just take Eva’s word for that.) We cut to clips of her career including her winning the WWE Divas Champion — oh wait, she’s never won that. (MATT: We no longer need my comments with snark like that.) He wants her to see a doctor ASAP, she’s scared.
LAS VEGAS, NV – UNLV Thomas & Mack Center for Monday Night RAW
Show tells Brie that her Brie Mode shirt makes her look hot. Show says
that if he wore a shirt like that, he’d look like the Michelin Man. (MATT: Then Show turns heel and punches Brie in the head.) Somehow,
Brie works in the fact that the shirt is the same color as the blood
when she’s on her period. Big Show doesn’t want to hear that and neither
does Heath Slater who’s just there for the sake of saying, “Yeah, Brie.
Ringside – Paige vs Natalya
a normal Divas match until Paige gets weirdly aggressive,
heavy-breathing on Natalya, licking her cheek and just acting like a
Natalya confronts Paige about her in-ring behavior. Paige channels her inner Alpha Jock and says, “Oh…you didn’t like that?” (MATT: Natalya, however, has her beat with the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard come out of a woman’s mouth: “If I were a guy, I’d love it.” I swear, this whole show is culminating in Nattie discovering that she’s gay and she’s been fighting it for a long time.) Paige tells her that she won’t do it again. mockingly asking, “Ok, pumpkin?” Nattie walks off in a huff.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Bedford Surgical Center
While waiting for the doctor, Jon puts implants in his tank top, then jiggles them around and rubs them on Eva’s face. (MATT: This makes the pot brownie storyline look well-nuanced.)
Dr. David Kim comes in and asks Eva what is going on. He says she has
too much tissue at the bottom of the breasts and, as they are 9 years
old, there could be a leak. He says it would be 2 to 3 months of down
time, following surgery, until she could go back in the ring. They do a
blood test to determine if they are in fact leaking.
Random Hotel Restaurant
Nattie tells Cameron and Eva that Paige wrestled with her in a sexual manner. The girls tell her to let her be herself. (MATT: Yeah, Nattie. Sexual harassment is COOL!) Nattie
says that sexualizing things isn’t good — then, in the same sentence
(and in front of everyone), says that she has better breasts than Paige.
|(MATT: Fucking hell…there’s 30 more minutes of this bullshit…)|
Eva looks like she is going to cry the whole time as it’s clear she is thinking about her problem and not Nattie. (MATT: Maybe Nattie could cheer Eva up, then simultaneously declare that her breasts are better since they don’t leak.) Meanwhile,
Rosa and Alicia have arrived to join the girls. Rosa remarks that she
hopes to see Paige — and hopes that Paige is wearing a short skirt. The
two join the table and Paige, immediately gets Grinchy Evil, telling
Nattie they will be grappling soon. Paige rubs her chest on Rosa who
loves it. (MATT: And she’s not even a guy!) Boobs are
complimented and fun is had — but Eva gets a call from Dr. Kims office
and leaves to take it. Eva is devastated to hear that her blood has
tested positice for silicone and that she will need surgery to fix that.
(MATT: And this is so terribly scripted. The phone is set on
speaker. It’s a wonder the rest of the restaurant didn’t hear the call.)
Since when do you get a bad diagnosis like that over the phone?
SEATTLE, WA for Friday Night SmackDown
girls are discussing photos. Nattie takes a photo with Nikki. Nikki
hits the Terrible Bella Segue button and says she and John take lots of
pics together and that they’re having a competition. The girls, however,
think she’s going to lose. Nikki is upset that they don’t agree she
will win because girl power. Nattie asks what Nikki’s going to make John
do if she beats him. Nikki, in a moment where you know she can’t win, says she has no idea.
Ringside – Eva Marie vs. AJ Lee
wins the match and tells the camera that she doesn’t want to take off
time with her career taking off do to. You know, with all that
“momentum” she has.
John Cena’s car
are going to the Grand Prix for their first event. Nikki says she is
going to win every competition. Nikki says she wants a trophy if she
wins. He suggests a hive of friendly bees so they won’t kill her. (MATT: Nah, that’s just John’s passive aggressive way of saying that he wishes he could murder her.) He wishes her luck. They shake hands, then they fondle each other.
|(MATT: I have a feeling this will be far more entertaining than what we’re about to see…)|
Grand Prix Family Fun Center
and This Fuckin’ Guy are out front, waiting for John to come out of the
restroom. When he does resurface, he’s dressed like a ninja that
couldn’t find his face mask.
|(MATT: I have to keep posting pictures because, otherwise,
you won’t believe a goddamn word we’re saying.)
They go to race. He crashes his car into hers on purpose so he can win. Nikki is horrified that he cheated. (MATT: I count this as a Cena heel turn.) She says he’s a cheater, gives him the finger and storms off. (MATT: It’s her fault. She should have used the blue shell when she had it.)
Grand Prix Arcade
It’s time for mini-golf and, accordingly, Cena shows up in a golfing outfit complete with spiked shoes.
|(MATT: Even MS Paint is telling me it’s tired of screen-capping this shit.)|
Nikki is just beside herself and says that he’s
being silly, then says that Cena is already cheating because he’s
wearing spikes, which aren’t allowed in “Goofy Golf”. (MATT: At this point, Danielle actually stopped the show and said, “This show is awful. It’s just awful.” I swear to Jeebus.) Nikki asks Rob if what Cena is doing is illegal.
|(MATT: Don’t ask Rob. He’s only here because Cena’s paying him.)|
Cena has his own professional-level putter and
Nikki accuses him of cheating again. He then goes on to beat her in the
batting cages and heckles her. He wins handily at skee ball at well. She
complains on camera that he isn’t taking this seriously as he keeps
wearing various outfits and making fun of her. (MATT: Yes. Cena’s not taking Go-Karting, Goofy Golf or Skee Ball seriously.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie and Jon’s house
doesn’t wanna carry shit down the stairs so she throws things from the
second floor to the first to save time. He tells her that the house is
not a treehouse. He asks when her surgery is so he can get time off,
then is dismayed to learn that she cancelled it. She defends her
position, telling him that it was not a good time for her to have them
taken out as she’s wrestling every weekend. Jon learns Mark Carrano and
the other talent reps don’t even know she has this situation going on.
Jon gets mad that she is again hiding things from him like she did about
not wanting kids. She tells him that it’s her body and decision. (MATT: To get horribly sick and die?!)
Nikki and Jon’s house
final event is Beer Pong and she was good at that at college. John
takes this REAL serious for a change and comes in, dressed like a Frat
|(MATT: Suddenly, his ring attire seems genius.)|
Rob shakes his head in silent dismay.
|(MATT: “I’m just gonna be quiet, drink my free beer, get paid, and go home…”)|
For once, they seem evenly matched. She even starts
winning big time. Finally, she needs only more ball in his last cup to win.
Then, suddenly, Nikki just can’t get the ball in the last cup. And, much to the
surprise of nobody, it’s a tie game with one cup, each. Cena gets into her
head, telling her she’s been on one for a long time and then, eventually, he
wins. Cena gets real obnoxious to the point where Nikki’s had it and throws her
beer in is face. Rob: “That’s not very sportsman-like…”
|(“Rob, go to Expression #2…”|
Nikki storms upstairs because, unlike Nattie, she doesn’t
storm off by leaving the house. Cena comes upstairs to the bedoorm where Nikki
is sulking. She complains he made the whole thing into a joke. And Cena finally
explains what Nikki doesn’t seem to grasp: “Was it ever supposed to be
serious? We did beer pong and skee ball and Goofy Golf.” (MATT:
“Do you understand that these are silly games or do I need to bring Rob in
here to explain?”) Still, she seems upset that he won everything and
pouts. He says he was just trying to have fun with it and he’s sorry if went
over the line. They apologize to each other and kiss and makeup. Nikki tells
the camera that it was all her fault because she didn’t have fun and made
everything too serious. (MATT: WOMEN – It’s always all their fault. This
message brought to you by the women of Total Divas.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva’s phone rings and it’s Mark Carrano, WWE’s Senior
Director of Talent Relations. He tells Eva that Jon called and left him a voice
mail — but didn’t tell him why he was calling. Because of this, Mark
called Eva to get some clarification. Eva lies to him and says she has no idea.
She calls Jon, furious, and wants him to call her back.
Eva Marie and Jon’s House
Jon comes home and she is still in PJs. She says that
she’s mad that he embarrassed her by calling her boss. He says he would
embarrass her in front of the President of the United States if that’s what it
takes for her health. She keeps telling him and the camera that she would never
call his work and embarrass him. He says she is putting her career over her
health, which should be her priority. They get in a shouting match and Jon dubs
everything she’s saying and doing “stupid”. Eva goes into the bedroom
and slams the door on Jon.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Nirvana Grille and Bliss Bar
Eva, Brie and Nikki are having dinner and — wait. Nikki
and Brie are fine with each other now. (MATT: Shut up and don’t question
it!) Nikki says she needs some carbs in her life for her “reverse
cowgirl later”. If she can’t beat Jon (at sports), she’ll just fuck him
’till he has no energy – good plan. (MATT: Besides, it’s the only way John
can ever justify being with somebody who thinks Skee Ball is an Olympic-level
event.) Eva Marie just comes out with it: her breasts are leaking silicone
and she needs them out. Nikki is visibly disturbed by this for obvious
They both advise her that she should not be wrestling now.
They go uber-hypothetical and speculate that Eva could injure somebody else in
the ring if her boobs hurt. “If you have somebody in a body slam, and that
pain hit, you could drop someone on their head.” Brie explains. (MATT:
Take it from a couple girls who know something about being dropped on their
heads.) Nikki doubles down: “If I was wrestling with my injured shin
and I had somebody up for a body slam, my leg could have broken in half.”
They convince her she will not be forgotten about if she takes time off. (MATT:
That was awesome that they said that with a straight face.) Nikki relates
the story of how she was out for five months with her shins. “I was out
for 5 months and look where I am now”. Eva realizes Nikki got the biggest
push of her career after. (MATT: Yeah, but Eva’s banging “Jon”,
not “John”, so…) She says she will take to Carrano about it.
The girls toast her getting her silicone out. Nikki jokes that Daniel Bryan
called and said Brie was to pick up the bill, which, as he’s notoriously frugal,
would never happen.
HOUSTON, TX for WWE Main Event
Paige and Nattie talk. Nattie wants their match to have a
good story and to be one Stephanie McMahon’s daughters can watch. Paige
Ringside – Paige vs. Natalya
Paige kicks her in the back of the head and, when she is
down, licks her cheek. Nattie uses her anger in the ring but Paige wins.
Nattie yells at Paige for humping her and licking her
face. Paige claims she got her mad to get a great match. Nattie agrees that
Paige has a plan and maybe they can use it. Nattie: “Maybe a little light
humping is okay!” (MATT: I’ll take “Things a Rapist Might
Say” for $200, Alex.) Nattie surprises her by licking Paige’s cheek,
slapping her on the ass and grabbing her boobs. Paige giggles and says Nattie
is turning her on.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Dr. Kim’s Office/Surgical Center
Eva is getting her silicone out and having saline put in.
She learns she can still do her photo shoot in two weeks as long as she doesn’t
lift anything. Eva’s husband and mom are there. They joke that her mom will get
bigger implants than she has.
Eva Marie admits her husband was right: without her
health, there is no career. She’s woozy as she says that, sometimes, he’s
right. Also, her skin is really pale yellow. The twins call to cheer her up.
Jon says everyone loves her to which she says either they love me or they’re
happy as fuck that I’m not there. Eva: “I’ll take it.”
HUGS AND PUNCHES
This week’s hug goes to…Eva: I know what it’s
like to have the feeling that, if you take off — even the tiniest amount of
time to get a health problem treated — your job won’t be there. She was
immature, but honestly scared and no surgery is 100% guaranteed risk free.
Also, she was able to admit her husband was right, which for her was a huge
amount of personal growth.
This week’s punch goes to…John Cena: While it
was amusing (at first) that he had clothes for the so-called “sporting
events” they had (and presumably the other six), he went over the top,
making fun of his girlfriend and needlessly heckled her. You can have fun and
be competitive without being an ass. Well…you can if you’re not Cena.
This week’s hug goes to…John Cena: Because Nikki
is a hollow-headed nut and MAIGOD, who the fuck takes Goofy Golf seriously?!
And none of that storyline made any sense whatsoever. Cena made a joke out of
it because the whole thing WAS a joke on several levels. He even out-Paiged
Paige this episode — and that’s hard to do.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week…Natalya: I
can’t hate Eva even though she’s Nikki 2.0. The level of sheer incompetence
over a pretty simple issue (Dealing with poison in one’s bloodstream from a
broken silicon breast vs. Ignoring that shit and wrestling into an early grave)
is aggravating. In fact, here’s another simple lesson: if you’re a woman and
you’re wrestling…don’t buy fake boobs. That may sound sexist, but
considering WWE exploits these women and, in the process, has them taking risks
that may damage what they’re exploiting, I’d say WWE’s a lot more sexist and
insensitive towards women than I am. So, anyway, what I’m trying to say is that
Eva’s skin was yellow and she was woozy and cute. Nattie, on the other hand,
didn’t want to get humped. Then changed her mind in four seconds and started
grabbing boob. I just can’t.
- Paige was introduced to Nattie
who decides Paige is her new BFF because reasons. Paige encourages
Nattie to go to a party then plays a mean prank on her: she tells Nattie
that the brownies she ate there contained Marijuana, causing Nattie to
freak out and fabricate a car accident in order to delay a (MATT: conveniently-timed) drug test by WWE. Paige later confesses. Somehow, they’re still BFF’s.
- Nikki learned Brie, JJ and Kathy
had spoken to John Cena, causing them to break up. Upon learning the truth, they
got back together and Nikki stayed mad at Brie although she forgave her family.
- Yet, oh, so coincidentally, the twins
get a story line where they are at war with each other in WWE. Brie even
gets booked to fight Stephanie McMahon at Summer Slam.
sees Big E and jokes he isn’t
wearing underwear under his shorts. She chest-bumps him a few times,
his pecs and jokes how she hopes it’s not sexual harassment and then
slaps his chest, plays with his pecs and makes them bounce around.
(MATT: A simple description and picture doesn’t do this justice…)
It says “TITLES”.
LOS ANGELES, CA
married, Jon wants to her pop out “a whole football team”.
Frederick, MD Office – Fertility Clinic
has a heart shape uterus. Eva says they aren’t trying to have a kid yet and
seems very apprehensive. Cameron tells the doctor that, eventually, they’ll have a little “mixture” running around.
|(MATT: And, with that assessment, Eva’s reproductive system shuts itself down for good.)|
The doctor wants to see how fertile Eva by running a
lot of tests. The doctor does an exam with Eva in stirrups and tells her
someday she will be that position, giving birth. (MATT: “Or you’re sterile and my words will be heard in your nightmares for years to come!”)
NE – CenturyLink Center for WWE Main Event
Hickey of WWE Product Development. She tells the camera that they’ve been waiting for Bella merch for so long and now, they’ve finally got it. She adds that it’s a little weird as Nikki
isn’t talking to her but they must stay professional at their workplace. But, instead, Nikki decides to get real personal and, risking the merch deal, asks the merch guys if they have siblings and if they would
betray them by going behind their backs in order to get an SO to leave them. The
merch guys stay silent.
|(MATT: “To be honest, I just came here to sneak a look at your cleavage every few minutes…”)|
Meanwhile, for no discernable reason whatsoever, Reverend
Jesse Jackson is backstage. The twins meet him and get pictures. Brie tells the camera she wishes he would
preach love to her sister.
Following this, Brie confronts Nikki and tells her that she’s acting unprofessionally. Nikki basically defends herself with the equivalent of “no, you.” (MATT: Jesse Jackson didn’t help heal them? What a surprise.) They storm off in opposite directions.
Paige is backstage, wreaking havoc as she tends to do. (MATT: She rams a service cart into JoJo “Living Bigfoot Sighting” Offerman, who’s also backstage for no discernable reason.) Paige also runs into Alicia Fox who introduces herself to the show. She gets a long promo in which says she
was the first African-American Divas champ. She describes herself as “a complete nut”. (MATT: Despite the fact that she’s nothing like that except for recently.) She want to know where Rosa is as
they are “friends”. Paige and Fox
make fun of Rosa’s dance steps.
Fox and Paige watch Layla and
Summer Rae take on Natalya and Rosa. In a completely puzzling moment, Paige says she misses Nattie — then says, “I just saw her two seconds ago. And I miss her today.” And Alicia just giggles because she’s “fun”. Rosa tells the camera that “everything is looking up lately”. (MATT: Here comes the Hand of God to smack her back down in 3…2…) At one point in the match, Layla pulls Rosa off the mat, pulling at her trunks — and ends up accidentally exposing Rosa’s bare ass to the crowd. (MATT: I covered this in my Main Event recap for this episode. If I’m not mistaken, you actually saw nothing because WWE Network has all their stuff on time delay in case things like this happen. The screen went to black when Layla reached up to grab her and picked back up once Rosa was on the ground. I don’t understand WWE censors. They don’t want you to see it then — but they will let you see it later. Pick a lane.)
Rosa joins them
and she hopes Layla, Rosa and Paige will reassure her that barely anything was visible, Instead, they brag about seeing her ass and allude to possibly seeing her vagina had she been bending over. Rosa begins to sob as Paige and Alicia laugh their asses off and speculate that Rosa could lose her job as it’s a PG show. (MATT: How does somebody get fired because something was done to them? That’s like one of my co-workers getting fired after I punched them in the face.)
is so happy that Eva and her husband are back in California. Cameron pushes her asking
if they will raise kids here. Eva’s a little unhappy that Jon wants a big family because she doesn’t want kids at all. She doesn’t want to go through the fertility
treatments or go through pregnancy. “I freak out over water weight having a
baby in your gut is just a lot.” Also, they are both just starting career-wise and she wants them to soar
before they start a family. (MATT: So, no kids because she’s vain and won’t be on WWE television? How’s that any different than now?) She hopes she is
infertile so she doesn’t have to say anything to her husband. Cameron gets her
to admit she has been lying the whole time about wanting kids. Things moved so fast in their relationship
there isn’t time to talk about it she tells the camera. Eva is so blessed, she starts crying. (MATT: Quick! Somebody find Paige and Alicia so they can laugh at her!)
tells Alicia that she has 25,000 more followers and 11,000 more Instagram
followers because of the bare ass reveal. She has a plan: to have another “wardrobe malfunction” which “accidentally” exposes her boob. (MATT: Even Alicia Fox calls her nuts, which is almost equal to the scene in Return of the Jedi when Darth Vader realizes just how sadistic the Emperor really is.)
FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN
is talking to Alicia backstage. Naomi says Vince saw her near-naked. Naomi laughs about it. Brie appears out of nowhere and is wearing
a Brie Mode shirt. Conveniently, Nikki happens to walk by. Brie asks her when their spot is. Nikki ignores her and Brie explains to Alicia and Naomi that Nikki’s still mad at her. Nikki tells the camera that Brie “nearly ruined her love life”. (MATT: For all of 48 hours.) She tells Brie that she has no time for “a back-stabbing bitch”.
Ringside – Nikki vs. Naomi
gets in some great shots and tells the camera that, throughout the latest break-up scare, she’s been “very professional”. Nikki says that she is still mad at Brie and wants
to take out her anger on Naomi in the ring. Nikki wins easily.
(MATT: Very professional…)
- Like the time she almost killed a mutually-lucrative merchandise deal by discussing personal matters in front of the merchandise production team.
- Or calling her own sister names in front of two Divas just because Brie didn’t know what time they were supposed to head to the ring.
- Or nearly destroying Naomi for realz because she was “angry”.
Brie wants two minutes with John Cena. (MATT: That probably isn’t the first time Cena’s heard that from a woman.) He gives her two minutes. Brie says
it seems like she is always apologizing to him or asking a huge favor. Cena: “Or…trying to ruin my personal life.” She tells him that Nikki is still mad
at her and wants his help in getting him to forgive her. He explains to Brie that she needs to start by understanding how Nikki feels: had the positions been reversed and
Nikki asked Daniel Bryan to lunch to ask him to divorce Brie, she’d feel
resentment even if Nikki apologized. John wisely tells her to give Nikki some
space. (MATT: Sage advice. Either one of two things is true here: 1) All the women on this show are vapid airheads or 2) they’re pretending to be vapid airheads because Vince told them all that MEN do all the smart-talking and explaining on this show.)
Rosa and Alicia’s hotel room
Rosa is showing a few
outfits and how she should have a wardrobe malfunction by exposing her breast. The
girls bounce and wrestle on the bed. They practice their moves and how there could
be the wardrobe malfunction though
blurring out her breast – sorry Matt. (MATT: No need. That’s the highlight of the show, censors be damned.) In a weird moment of mental sobriety, Rosa
is forced to look at the likely consequences of her actions, which
would probably include the both of them losing their jobs. They
decide it’s a bad idea but Rosa is happy she gets to hang with (MATT: And get felt up by) her friend. She
wishes the other girls would get along with her. Alicia says she shouldn’t let
it get to her. Rosa reflects to the camera on how she doesn’t get why the girls don’t like her. (MATT: Then we see a montage of all the times when Rosa acted like an ass to the other girls, capped off with a clip of her spinning tales to the Divas about her “nervous vomiting” issues. Even the editors can’t stand Rosa.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie and Jon’s house
in the mirror. She’s grossed out at how she looks but Jon (MATT: Who lays there, in bed, looking like he’s ready to tap it, caveman style…) tells her how hot she is. She says she wants to lose
15 lbs. He asks about her fertility results and when they’ll have them. He says it isn’t a big deal. Worst case scenario,
they adopt some kids. He has them pray that they can have “little miracle babies”. (MATT: Ok…in “Eggs Over Freezing”, Jon tells Eva he won’t switch his religion. This, despite the fact that he’s Christian and she’s Catholic. I know that Catholicism is pretty much the slightly smarter, yet still mostly naive, brother to Christianity…but you’re telling me that he couldn’t have converted to Christianity for one fucking day? The show made it sound like he was Buddhist or Atheist or Agnostic or some other thing. I’m tellin’ ya’…this fuckin’ show…)
Mama Bella’s House
mom and brother so they can discuss the Nikki and Brie situation. (MATT: They didn’t learn from the last three disastrous meetings between the three of them?) She tells the
camera that Nikki can hold a grudge for a long time. (MATT: Then, they drink shitloads of wine because that’s gonna make it all better.) Kathy says she should call
Nikki to “check her temperature”. Brie kinda agrees and says if they told her there was red wine, she might come over.
She says they should “splooge” on
Opus One. Kathy makes fun of her for mispronouncing the word “splurge”. (MATT: And we turn a serious situation into a “heh, heh, she said penis” moment.) Kathy calls Nikki
on speaker phone and tries to smooth things over. Nikki finally realizes the
call is on speaker phone though she lies to Nikki that she is alone. (MATT: And, of course, Nikki has the brain of a fucking fly and totally buys it.)
LOS ANGELES, CA
HRC Fertility Clinic
Eva’s torn. She wants her tests to come back clean because that means she’s healthy. On the flip side of that coin, if there’s something wrong, then it will be easier to let Jon down. The doctor did, indeed, find a problem: a septum in her uterus, which is a piece of skin growing in the wrong
direction that can be easily corrected. But, she still has good eggs and will easily
be able to have a child. Now she has to tell Jonathan that she doesn’t want
MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Target Center for Monday Night RAW
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations,
calls Rosa over to talk to him. He tells him he knows she was planning a “wardrobe
malfunction”. Because of this, he’s also not sure he should believe the original “bare butt” incident was an accident. (MATT: This was so, so awkward and amusing. Carrano could hardly keep a straight face during this “talk”…especially when he utters the phrase, “bare buttocks”.) Rosa asks who told him but Carrano isn’t telling. (MATT: Shouldn’t it be obvious, you fucking twit?) He tells her that she’s close to rising to the top and if she wants that big push, she has to play by the rules.
Rosa’s pissed and confronts Alicia about this. (MATT: Well done there, Sherlock. Your skills of deduction are unmatched.) Alicia said she never told Carrano but was telling the other girls. Rosa: “OMG, I knew it!” (MATT: Get paranoid, Rosa!) “They’re always trying to screw me!” (MATT: GET REAL PARANOID!) Moments later, all is forgiven. (MATT: Thank jeebus. My heart was in my goddamn throat over here.)
SAN DIEGO, CA
John and Nikki’s House
Nikki says she is not
going to the “big cousin dinner” that her family does once a month. All the
cousins will be there except for four and it’s close to where they live. Cena really wants her to go and tells her he will go if she does.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie and Jon’s House
Eva tells Jon that she
went to the doctor and that, yes, she can conceive but it’s not what she wants to
thinks she means right away; she corrects him that she doesn’t want kids
all. She says she doesn’t have the maternal instinct whatsoever. Jon says he wanted a “basketball team”. (MATT: Maybe it’s just me…but telling a woman you want to birth as many children as it takes to field a professional sports team doesn’t help things…) He asks
why she would even want to marry him if she knew that he wanted children. He says she can’t be all about
as she says if she doesn’t want to have a family. She says she never
wanted kids she just kind of went along with it. He said if she has
communicated it in the beginning then he would have known what he was
getting into. He says she lied to him and he’s so mad he’s
going to go work out. (MATT: “I’m gonna bench-press the HELL out those weights!”) Assuming this storyline is real, I think Jon could
annulment pretty easy in California, citing fraud.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Barley Mash (Bar)
It’s Bella cousin night
and Nikki says she loves family time and won’t let Brie ruin that. So, Nikki says hello to Daniel and Brie, then turns her nose up at Brie and immediately goes to hang with a
few other cousins. (MATT: Way to “ruin” things, Brie.) Brie watches as Nikki chats with other family members. (MATT: Then watches as Nikki asks the bartender if he’s ever stabbed his twin brother in the back.) Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan’s wearing a trilby hat. (MATT: Oh, dear lord…)
|(MATT: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!)|
Brie says she’s “apologized” for the 27th time this episode. One of her cousins asks why they can’t just get along. So Brie approaches Nikki and says she wants to talk. Nikki tells her the same shit we’ve heard from Cena and Nikki in the last two episodes. Brie explains that she was in the wrong and that she was only thinking of herself. She won’t do it again. Nikki explains that it’s gonna “take her time”. (MATT: BECAUSE THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE!!!)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Orange County Crossfit (Gym)
Eva Marie has arrived to speak with Jon. (MATT: And to wrap up yet another storyline that had no suspense to begin with.) She convinces him to come to the car (MATT: …so she can blow him…) to talk to her. (MATT: Same thing.) She says
she should have told him the truth but she was scared to lose him because she
fell in love with him that fast. He says had she told him back then, he probably
would have married her anyway. However, she took the decision away from him, post-marriage. She
starts crying and says she can’t be the kind of Mom she has. He says he thinks
she will eventually get in her mind that she wants to have kids (MATT: WHAT?!) and then they will be popping out kids left and
And, with that, this episode’s done.
PUNCHES AND HUGS
This week’s hug goes to…Alicia Fox: Rosa has
only one friend. I guess. And I’m not even sure she can trust her. She thinks
that she has to practically be nude to do well in her career and it backfired
so hard, that the time she had a legitimate wardrobe malfunction, the execs couldn’t trust her due to her future plans to fake one.
This week’s punch goes
to…Eva Marie: You don’t flip-flop about having kids in a few minutes,
especially when someone is trying to talk you into it. She lied to Jon simply by
not telling him she didn’t want them and, yes, that is lying by omission. But you
also don’t decide, “Hey…maybe I’ll have a change of heart.”
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: This is kinda sad. Paige’s addition to the show was most likely meant to elevate this show’s plummeting ratings. And Paige is like the Honey Badger: she don’t care. She’s like a Gremlin. A cute Gremlin. One that slaps man-boobs and runs over washed-up former Divas with service carts. She treats this show like a joke. And it is a joke. In fact, for myself, writing this section of the recap is a lot like Jerry Springer giving you the “What Did We Learn” segment of his talk show: I can’t even take half of what I see seriously because it’s so unbelievably phony and, so, I just write bullshit to fill space.
Most Annoying Cast Member goes to…Nikki/Brie: I’d put Rosa here but I like boobs. I like Alicia and Rosa wrestling in bed so that we can see some boob. I like how Rosa is a gigantic sexual predator who hits on anything that moves and she hasn’t been fired by WWE. And she’s gonna do it again: they already showed clips of her making out with Paige, so we have that to look forward to. But, I have to say that Nikki and Brie’s “angle” is so fucking awful. Every scene is “So, I’m mad at my sister because she ruined my love life”, followed by, “I totally apologized and I just want my sister back”, followed by “You’re a bitch, Brie”, followed by, “I tried to apologize”…and it just keeps going in circles — AND IT STILL ISN’T RESOLVED.
Er, that’s it.
- Eva Marie and Jon got married in what was, technically, a vow
as they had originally eloped so she could have a special day for her
Dad…and then proceeded to have a sexy, backless wedding dress with a
huge cut out for cleavage and hips. She also wore a black wig so she
how her dad would remember her. I’m surprised she
didn’t dance a tango with her Dad. (MATT: Or Fandango…that would have been fitting.)
- Brie, her brother JJ and
their Mom had a talk with John Cena in order to get him to leave Nikki if he
really didn’t’ want marriage. At the episode’s end, he looked like he was
going to ask her for a break.
- Natalya and TJ fought a lot,
could barely stay in the same hotel room and TJ even stupidly asked if
he could have a final fling.
get? How much will TJ mope? Will Eva Marie continue to be happy? For
this review, Matt is by my side as usual but we’ve brought back the
great Tania Pereira to help us out!
SAN DIEGO, CA
Brie asks how his physical therapy was. He says it went all right. Brie
tells him about Cena cutting it off with Nikki. Cena apparently didn’t
mention Brie or the conversation with the Bella family. Daniel tells
Brie it’s time to come clean and tell Nikki why John split with her.
Brie says “honesty would make it worse”. (MATT: “Worse”?! Holy shit. Are we really pretending Nikki won’t watch this later?)
and Eva try to act like Rosa doesn’t work there to get here in trouble
for coming backstage. (MATT: Even more amusing – Cameron and Eva acting like best friends.) Brie talks merch and fans with Joe Hickey, Manager of Talent Merchandise. (MATT: I can safely says that this probably the closest Joe’s probably ever come to having sex with a woman.) He
tries to weigh in on her issue with meeting fans — except John Cena
walks in to interrupt, so Brie just totally cuts him off like she’s
running the red carpet at the Oscars. Brie wants to know why Cena didn’t
mention the family meeting. (TANIA: YOU ASKED JOHN TO KEEP THE INTERVENTION A SECRET LAST EPISODE, YOU IDIOT!)
Cena: “I don’t like throwing people under the bus.” Brie:
“Uh…wow…uh, thanks for that.” Brie tells the camera that John’s a
good man for not making this a bigger mess. (MATT: If she doesn’t
want a big mess, why is she asking Cena for answers?! OMG…this is
already the worst episode of the series…) Cena explains to Brie that it the marriage thing was a “huge elephant in the room” and that Nikki needs to think about things.
She says she’s been wrestling “as a fetus” because she came out of her
Mom, a fighter. Nattie has Steph’s “Fit Series” for some reason and the
two both squeal about working out together. (MATT: Gratuitous advertising.) Paige is concerned about Nattie and TJ. She invites Nattie to a party so that she can get her mind off things.
admits to Brie that she drank a lot last night: two whole bottles of wine and can’t sleep. (TANIA:
You know what would be awesome? A drinking game where we drink every
single time they do.) (MATT: We wouldn’t make it through “Previously on
Total Divas”.) Brie tells her that isn’t good to drink so much and that she can’t bear to hear her like this. (TANIA: Only because Brie’s the reason she feels like this.) So, they go for a shit-ton of donuts. (MATT: Wine? Bad. Obesity is a much better option.) They eat in the car as Nikki says “donuts make the pain go away”.
says she doesn’t really party and she may be “single” but she isn’t
“ready to mingle”. Paige says she can’t wait to party with Nattie and
says it’s time to get “White Girl Wasted”.
The “party” is inside an apartment that looks like the only thing a recently-divorced spouse could afford.
(MATT: And the guests include…)
|(MATT: …White Trash Fandango…)|
|(MATT: …your weird, lecherous Uncle Steve…)|
|(MATT: …Corey Hart Dudley…)|
|(MATT: …drunken selfie chick…)|
|(MATT: …and Calvin Klein model Wade Barrett.)|
yacks with Fandango and then eats a brownie while complaining to the
camera that this isn’t “her scene” because “there’s a guy with no shirt
on.” (TANIA: So, Nattie’s comfort level is obliterated by a guy from a summer pool party?) Nattie,
Fandango and Paige all chat it up in the corner and Paige asks Nattie
if the brownies she’s eating are good. Nattie says they’re a bit dry.
Paige replies that it doesn’t matter because they’ll make her “feel
happy” in a few moments. Nattie doesn’t get what Paige is trying to
construe and says that she’s “happy, happy, joy, joy!” Paige chuckles
and says, “But, really, there’s drugs in the brownies.” Nattie turns
green and runs to the bathroom where she barfs up the brownies and
tosses what’s left in her hand into the toilet. Nattie’s not happy and
tells the camera that “WWE drug tests all the time.” She claims to feel dizzy and tells Paige she needs to leave now. (TANIA: Hilarious. Only Nattie could feel worse while she was high.)
Nattie makes Paige swear to keep this all a secret. (MATT: Ha, ha! Yeah! Keep it on the “down-low”! Because WWE doesn’t produce this show and they won’t ever watch what their own cameramen film or anything that they air. Let’s just keep this a “secret“!)
tells JJ and Mama Bella that he has to keep napkins near him at all
times when he eats because “food gets caught in my beard”. Mama Belle’s
really impressed by this.
|(MATT: “Well…at least he’s not thinking about using the napkin as a tampon…”)|
Brie oddly segues from how crazy beard food is to how crazy the Nikki/John situation is and that they need to discuss it. (MATT: Quick! Let’s fix something we worked so hard to fuck up!) She realizes that John’s really a “good guy” after all. (TANIA: “Just not good enough for Nikki. Ha! Let’s break them up again.”) Mama Bella magically sheds any blame and declares this “their mission”. JJ: “OUR mission…” Brie says JJ pressured her into doing it. (TANIA: Nope. It was all your idea, sweetie.)
JJ can’t believe what he’s hearing and says that everyone is
backtracking. Brie tells the camera that she feels like she did the
wrong thing. (TANIA: You did.) She says she doesn’t know if it’s wrong. (MATT: It is.) Mama
Bella says it’s time to man up and tell Nikki everything. JJ says they
already made a decision and nobody can stick to it. Brie: “It’s all
about what YOU want.” (TANIA: SHE WANTED IT TO HAPPEN AND TALKED HER FAMILY INTO IT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!) Mama Bella’s had enough: Nikki will know everything, come hell or highwater because their family doesn’t keep secrets. (MATT: Only Nattie does that, guys.)
wants to talk about last night. Also, she told Emma all about it.
Nattie tells the camera that this is bad because WWE is very strict and
bars certain cold medicines. Nattie asks how she was last night. Paige
tells her she was pretty wild. Nattie loudly declares that she’s “never
had pot before”. (MATT: In front of the entire gym. And Emma. And the camera. Despite wanting to “keep it a secret”. Oh, this show…) Paige
says she was relaxed. Nattie isn’t having this and says she’s gonna
“Google Marijuana side effects” while Emma looks on, absolutely stunned.
Nattie says it stunts movement, makes you panic and hurts your immune
system — which frightens her because she “already has a cold”. (TANIA: What, did she click on “GodHatesMarijuana.com”?!) Paige looks concerned. Nattie says she’s feeling dizzy, then tells Paige to feel her skin because it’s cold and clammy. (MATT: Totally not side effects from her cold.) Paige: “Well, yeah…you’re on a treadmill…” Nattie tells the camera that she never wants to be called a stoner.
Senior Director of Talent Relations, Mark Carrano, addresses all the
Divas. He says SummerSlam will have two Divas matches this year. Brie
will have a match vs. Stephanie and the other one will be the Divas
Championship match. Brie tells the camera that her match will be the
“highest point” of her career.
Mama Bella’s House
Bella Twins and JJ are at Mom’s house. Kathy makes Mac & Cheese
like they’re 12. Her Mom tells them that they don’t look like they’ve
been starving. Nikki asks her Mom if she’s implying that they’re fat. (TANIA: Time for another intervention…) (MATT: “Nicole…we’re concerned about Silicon and whether it’s healthy for you…”) Nikki gets a text from John. Apparently, he’s off to Tampa (MATT: To fuck Rosa now that he’s single.) and wants her to stay in San Diego for a while (TANIA: So he can move on to Summer once he’s done with Rosa.) and wants to see if Nikki can survive. (MATT:
Especially when she finds out that he had a threesome with both women
after they figured out that Cena was two-timing them.) Kathy tells
Brie that she needs to “show Brie something”, pulls her into a hallway
and says it’s time to lower the boom on Nikki.
tells Nikki everything. Nikki cannot believe that Brie and the family
took Cena to lunch and did this. Brie (with a straight face and dramatic
music): “It was breakfast…” (MATT: “Oh my god…you guys discussed this over pancakes???”) (TANIA: We have 40 more minutes of this bullshit, and I already know who I wanna punch.) Brie
and JJ defend their positions and tell her that Nikki wants what she
can’t have. Nikki says it still doesn’t matter. They had no right to do
what they did, regardless of the way she felt about things. They
shouldn’t have taken John to lunch. Brie: “Breakfast.” (MATT: Get the facts straight, Nikki. You’re out of your element here.) Nikki
claims she is
happy 99% of the time with him. JJ says that Cena needs to know the
facts. Nikki: “HE KNOWS THE FACTS! I’VE TOLD HIM!” Nikki’s had enough
and storms out of the house. Brie reminds her that she drove Nikki here.
Nikki doesn’t care.
JJ and Brie follow her and says that they did this for her. (TANIA: Sure! We did this for you and I backpedaled and blamed it on JJ…but we did it for you!) JJ
and Brie argue inside the house while Nikki and her Mom argue outside.
JJ says that it’s too late to back out of this. Brie says it isn’t too
late because they never should have done it. Nikki has called a cab.
Mama Bella says we all need to discuss this. Nikki gets in her cab as
Brie tries to talk her out of leaving. Nikki cracks the window to give
her the finger and then rolls it back up. (TANIA: Brie isn’t even worth giving the finger to.)
The couple toasts with wine. John says that Brie had told him that he should let Nikki go. (MATT: Technically, it was JJ with Brie as an accomplice, but we’ve already had Nattie get high on pot brownies, so whatever.) Nikki says she hates Brie and never wants to deal with her again.
Divas arrive for RAW. Titus is hanging backstage, eating cookies. Rosa
gives him a hug and Paig and Emma are in tow. Paige says all she’s done
lately is stuffed her face with donuts, so she doesn’t need to eat
chocolate. For some reason, Titus thinks this is a sexual innuendo,
opening the door right up for Rosa, who caresses Titus’s shoulder and
calls him “Sexual Chocolate”. Titus mocks her laugh and tells Rosa not
to touch him in a slightly disturbing moment. A woman from HR shows up
and wants to take Emma for a drug test and Emma goes with her. Paige
tells the camera that Nattie’s gonna explode when she finds out that WWE
is drug-testing today. (MATT: Marijuana might help her to rela–oh, wait…)
and Nattie get a call from HR. Cameron puts it on speaker. HR says they
are doing drug testing. Nattie is freaking out and claims that HR is
“looking for them”. Nattie says she has no idea what to do. She tells
Cameron about the pot brownies. (MATT: We need to do a shot each time
Nattie tells somebody not to tell anyone something — then says it
outloud to a dozen people in a room or reveals it to somebody herself.)
Nattie starts plotting, saying that she could lie about being on the
same flight as Cameron. Cameron: “Nah, girl…I wanna get to the arena.”
Nattie cuts people off, then says that she’s got it: she’s gonna make
it look like they got into a car accident. (MATT: This is like Reefer Madness, only it’s kinda goofy…) Cameron’s panicking as Nattie pulls into an alley and lightly dings a metal dumpster. (TANIA: Good job, Nattie! WWE will never know the true reason behind your absence even though they FUCKING FILMED IT, YOU IDIOT.) Cameron is beside herself as Nattie sits there, actually waiting for the airbags to “go off”. Cameron
wants to know what was going through her head as Nattie starts
apologizing to a local shop owner. Nattie says she now has an excuse to
go to the ER. Cameron basically calls her a moron and tells her that
Weed stays in your system for 30 days. (MATT: …and thanks for playing, “EVERYONE IS SMARTER THAN NATTIE”!!! *APPLAUSE*) Nattie finally resigns herself to the fact that Cameron’s right and gets back into the car. Then she tells Cameron to “not to tell anyone about this”. (MATT: Again…ON…FUCKING…CAMERA…) (TANIA: Seriously, I don’t think I have anything left. I don’t think anything can top this episode.) (MATT: Alamo Car Rental’s probably like, “Remind us never to rent to WWE again.”)
Backstage @ BJCC Arena
professional — but wants nothing to do with her outside of work. Brie just “doesn’t understand why Nikki is angry”. (TANIA:
“I mean, this is CRAZY! I fucked up, betrayed my sister’s trust, went
behind her back and nearly destroyed her relationship! I have NO idea
why Nikki is so mad!”) Brie says SummerSlam is gonna be huge for the Bella brand but Nikki is making it hard. (MATT: Nikki’s good at “making it hard”, if ya’ know what I mean.)
and Cameron arrive and greet some of the fans who are waiting to get
autographs. Nattie promises them that they’ll be out to take selfies
soon. (MATT: Which is just “not her scene”, I thought…) She
goes in to see HR Lady, who hurries her into the drug-testing room
on-site. Nattie: “Everyone needs to relax! You’re gonna get your urine!”
(MATT: That’s what I tell my guests every single time I host a fetish party…) She finds out that the results won’t be back for two weeks.
She bumps into Rosa, Paige and Emma the Mute backstage and tells them about the car accident she told Cameron not to tell anyone about.
Cameron comes by with a look on her face and Nattie
decides to exit. Cameron waits until she’s gone — then starts spilling
the true story. Nattie shows up out of the same portal the Authority
came from after Cena brought them back and tells Cameron to shut up.
Cameron says the truth will be revealed either way. Either Nattie tells
them now or SHE does. Nattie plays dumb and Cameron tells them Nattie
hit a dumpster on purpose. Nattie denies it all and Cameron tells her to
quit lying. Paige is laughing her ass off and Nattie storms off,
telling Cameron to “let it die”.
It’s all cat toys. Once this is done, Paige comes clean: there never
was any pot in the brownies. Nattie scolds her and says it’s not funny
and that she “got into a car accident because of what happened.” (TANIA: YOU CREATED THE ACCIDENT, YOU DOORKNOB!)
Paige says she’s sorry and wants to pay for the damage to the car.
Paige plays with Cameron’s cats with the new toys but Nattie pushes
Paige out of the house and then talks to her cat, telling the cat that
Paige is a bitch.
tells the camera that SummerSlam is the biggest Pay-Per-View of the
year next to WrestleMania and that she’s excited to see Brie take on
Steph. Meanwhile, Nikki runs into Paige and she tells her that she gets
to turn heel on Brie tonight. She says it works out because they’re not
getting along anyhow.
Eva and Vincent watch the match from backstage. Nattie, Summer and Naomi
join the three.We get the match and heel turn with the Divas backstge,
fawning over what was one of the worst matches on the card. Steph wins.
Nikki tells the camera that the storyline was perfectly-timed.
THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS
Eva doesn’t want kids, The Bella Twins make up because fuck the
audience, and this all culminates in Rosa and Paige making out in the
hopes that ratings will finally climb out of the cellar and make their
way toward the roof again.)
HUGS AND PUNCHES
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki & John Cena: The
two of them may not be right for one another but they need a chance to
try. On top of that, nobody should be getting into the middle of
This week’s punch goes to…Paige & Nattie: Paige’s
joke was immature and ill-timed and she should have told Nattie the
truth a lot sooner. Of course, it doesn’t help that Nattie’s an idiot
and should have just told WWE the moment she knew what happened.
Instead, she got into a car wreck and acted like an idiot.
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: Oh,
Paige. Paige, Paige, Paige. How do I love thee? We can tell you’re not
taking any of this shit seriously. I just don’t give a shit because this
show is a joke and you were the perfect troll. Also, it was nice to see
you destroy Nattie who has become the biggest jackass this show (and
company) has ever seen. I know, eventually, I will have to call you
“annoying”…but at least we’ll have tonight.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Nattie: Nattie
is the new Nikki. The latter just escapes the list by faking the
“victim” routine well enough. Whew…I’m not gonna repeat the reasons
why Nattie’s #1 this week in this category. The recap should provide
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki: I’m
a sucker for a love story, as silly as it’s become. Let’s face it:
Cena’s a man’s man and Nikki’s his hot little piece. They’re made to
bone. I hug Nikki because nobody needs to get in the middle of anyone’s
This week’s punch goes to…Brie & Nattie: Brie
gets a punch because of the aforementioned bullshit with her sister.
Nattie gets the punch because she’s a total and complete moron. Both
girls get DOUBLE-PUNCHED, in fact, in the vagina. Specifically centered
at the clit. And I can say that because I’m a girl. Suck it.
Er, that’s it.
into your weekend. Have a great weekend!
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
Little Girl”, the Divas learned that the saying, it never hurts to ask
can sometimes be completely false.
- Cameron who decided to go from taking it slow with Vinnie to
shopping for a house in a single episode had asked Nikki, the only real
estate person to know to show her houses. Nikki did, deliberately first
showing her a house outside her price range, then showing her another
that was only half a million over her range. Cameron had her boyfriend
half talked into signing papers site unseen, then they decided to ask
Nikki to not take a commission as it would save them 6 months of
payments. Nikki wisely refused, there was tension, but of course after
they are still friends.
- Brie having been a bride herself recently with an issue with her dad
(in her case the dad abandoning the family when she was a teen) tried
to get Eva Marie to share how she was feeling about wedding planning and
her dad’s likely death soon from aggressive cancer. Though Brie never
seemed close to Eva before, it did seem this was sincere. Eva got mad,
so Brie decided to throw her a surprise bridal shower instead (though
she did turn down her husband’s silly idea of making the theme The
- Natalya took Tyson to a divorce attorney to see how things could
potentially go for them. Here they learned such shocking things as
divorce can be expensive and that in the eyes of the law cats are
property, so they’d have to agree how to divy them up (Tyson suggested
splitting them in half, I think someone out to put a camera in their
home to see if he yells at them all day when Natalya isn’t there).
PORTLAND, OR for Monday Night RAW
Natalya says she is jealous that John bought Nikki three new pairs of shoes. (MATT: Ah…true love.) Meanwhile,
the backstage area is buzzing with “excitement”: shoes are being
bought, Brie Mode shirts are selling, and Sheamus show-bombs Nattie and
Brie to inform them that the valet has lost Summer’s car keys. Fandango,
being the opportunistic sleaze that he is, asks Nattie what is up with
TJ. She seems upset that everyone wants her to share her dirty laundry
because that’s not what a reality show is for. She says she prides
herself on being quiet and professional. (MATT: Like, last week when she quietly and professionally yelled at TJ in front of the backstage crew. Totally understand.) She says she knows TJ and Fandango are friends (MATT: HUH?!) so they talk a lot. Natalya insists that everything’s fine. Then, casually states they saw a divorce attorney. (MATT: Perfectly normal! Everything’s cool!)
She cries about how things are bad and how she has to keep a brave fake
face for work, and insists that she’s “so happy, I could do a backwards
handspring in these heels with no underwear on.” (MATT: After referring to all her co-workers who’ve asked her about TJ as “idiots”. This woman has lost her goddamn mind.)
Natalya’s got a match with Paige, the current WWE Divas Champion. She says she has to look “happy”. (MATT: A second ago, she was ready to do nude calisthenics! What the actual fuck?) Paige’s music hits and she comes out with the belt, then wins her match easily.
BEVERLY HILLS, CA
Michael Costello Dress Studio
Marie’s dress has no back, a huge cutout to show cleavage and cut outs
to show off her hips. The designer jokes her Jon has three suit changes
with Eva laughs and says is not true as there is room for only one Diva
in their house.
SAN DIEGO, CA
John and Nicole’s Beach House
John did laundry but needs help – he asks Nikki how to fold her thong. (MATT: Ah…true love.) Even
though Natalya didn’t want her dirty laundry shared, Nikki tells John
about Nattie and TJ’s fight and uses it to lead him into a calculated
conversation about their relationship issues. She says their fight makes
it so she doesn’t want to get married. John seems very exasperated with
this conversation, but somewhat happy now that Nikki has decided she
doesn’t need that piece of paper. Nikki jokes she will tackle John
later. He says she couldn’t catch him, then he brags he can best her in
running, chess, even tic tac toe. (MATT: To be fair, anyone can beat Nikki in Tic Tac Toe, so that’s not a testament to one’s mental prowess.) Then, to prove this, Nikki and Cena actually play Tic Tac Toe. (MATT: And Creative books Rollins to come into the room and club Cena with the briefcase for the DQ finish.) Cena celebrates his win over Nikki by acting like a god and proclaiming that he controls the Pacific Ocean for some reason. (MATT: I do the very same thing after I beat my god-daughter at Candyland…)
LOS ANGELES, CA
Eva Marie is working out for the Muscle
Fitness Hers cover. She is the first WWE Diva to ever be on the cover.
Nattie is there for moral support – which is cover for discussing her
issues with TJ and how it will effect Eva’s wedding. She asks if she can
be seated far away from him at the wedding, even if it has to be with
Eva’s family or the catering people. On camera, Eva says Nattie isn’t
that close to her family and she should grow up and sit next to her
husband. (MATT: Holy shit, I never thought I’d see the day where Eva is smarter than Nattie.) Nevertheless,
Eva promises to talk to her Mom to OK this. Nattie’s giddy at the
prospect and dubs Eva’s Mom “just like her own Mom”. (MATT: And I bet it took all of Eva’s strength not to break the “nice girl” image and just shake her head at Nattie’s analysis.)
Local Table – Restaurant
Brie and Daniel are having breakfast. Nikki asks to borrow a tampon and
Brie doesn’t have one. Nikki asks if she should use the table napkin
instead. (MATT: I didn’t ask to hear any of this. All I wanted to do
was recap a reality show that somehow finds something worse to talk
about than “seal slit”.) Somehow that leads to Daniel recalling that Brie tells him how Nikki keeps leaving her sex toys for people to find them. (MATT: I was gonna say that it couldn’t get worse. I stand corrected.) One
time she had her brother, JJ over and made him look through her bottom
drawer to find her birth certificate and he had to go through a “sea of
vibrators” to find it. (MATT: A sea of vibrators sounds like the contents of Nikki’s head.)
Nikki says the fact that no one keeps theirs in a sex toy drawer makes
it safe. Brie actually has the smarts to ask if having her cert stolen
is even a danger. This leads to a conversation about marriage: Nikki
says she is practically married but doesn’t need to be. Brie insists she
wants to be married someday.
Brie and Daniel have…lunch this time…and,
this time, it’s with the Bella’s parents, Mom and Deadbeat Dad who’s not
only shown up for whatever the hell this is, he’s also wearing a Bronie
Trilby Hat. Being the over-sharers they are, JJ mentions he sent his
wife a naked selfie. (MATT: Ok…I’ve heard enough about seas of
vibrators and naked male selfies and tampons made of table napkins. I
don’t think I’ve ever cared about Eva and her wedding until just now.)
The conversation quickly goes back to the problem child: Nikki. Her mom
points out that John makes her happier than anyone she’s been with but
the rest of the family think she needs to hold out for marriage and
kids. JJ decides to help Brie confront Nikki about this. As they are
wrapping up, Brie is still in shock that JJ sent a naked selfie (MATT: FUCKING HELL. MAKE THIS STOP.) and he points out that Brie would like it if Daniel sent one. She says she would just laugh at it.
The Meritage Resort and Spa Lounge
and TJ get a room together and she tells him to chill out and act like
everything is fine because appearances. TJ can’t even begin to play
along with what ever scripted drama this is and tells her that he was
just standing there, doing nothing.
O’Brien Estates – Winery
Nikki calls Napa her heaven and is excited as there will be lots of wine tasting. (MATT: The Bellas need to be limited to Sheamus cameos.)
They start at a charming place with a private tasting and tour with the
owners. Nikki says how she has told John they should retire and have a
winery as they are “winos”.
(MATT: And I’m like…)
John isn’t there for the wedding yet as he has appearances in Chicago and probably wants to be far away from Nikki. (MATT: Try real far.) The winemakers have named their wines after the various states of a given relationship. (MATT: I wonder if there’s one called “Complicated” or, better yet, “Is What It Is”.)
Nikki wants to pass on the “Devotion”, as it stands for marriage. Brie,
however, makes her listen to the dude talk about the wine and how it
pertains to long-lasting love. But that isn’t enough: Brie needles her
again about how she knows she wants to be married. They get inside the
Barrel Room where the winemaker uses a giant suction glass to put wine
into the Bella’s glasses. He refers to it as “The Thief”. Brie: “I call
John a thief…the way he stole your life from you.” (MATT: It’s bad enough I have to sit through this shit. It’s worse that they get to drink wine and I am sitting here, sober.) Nikki decides to share Nattie’s problems with Brie and says Nattie is getting a divorce. (MATT: Marriage is just so awesome.)
Because of this, the Bellas decide the best way to help Nattie is to a)
buy a bottle of “Devotion” for her and b) invite her out to drink
tonight. Wine and drinking prevents divorce. You heard it here first. Is
this finally over? HELL NO! Now, we get the car ride back with Brie in
full “Brie Mode”. Brie calls Nattie and tells her they bought a bottle
of wine for her and that if she doesn’t like it, she will personally
punch Nattie and German Suplex her into “the Bourbon Street” floor. Then
they “fight”, flailing at each other. (MATT: I wonder if Vince is re-thinking those “Brie Mode” shirts…)
El Dorado Inn
is there for the rehearsal dinner. Jon’s mom tells a story which
reveals that Jon met Eva Marie a little over a year ago. They did move
fast: he proposed after three months of dating, still they seem like one
of the happiest couples on the show.
The twins have Nattie in their possession — and they brought TJ for some reason. (MATT: What is the logic here? This isn’t even close to being believable.) Tension is thick. Not only does Nattie seem to not want TJ there, (MATT: “Seem to”?!)
she points out that she doesn’t have her wedding ring on. Brie is as
drunk as fuck. Nattie makes TJ sit on the booth side with Brie. TJ and
Brie point out that they have wedding rings on, while Nattie and Nikki
don’t. Brie says that Nikki’s side will never be happily married. Nikki
has the bottle of Devotion wine with her. They also give them a “wine
cats” calendar they bought. Vinnie and Cameron show up. (MATT: This show…this fucking show…) Nattie says TJ reminds her of his Mom due to his dumb ass comments, to which TJ replies, “You remind me of your Dad.” (MATT: So, now we know TJ imagines banging Jim Neidhart when he’s fucking Nattie from behind. That’s disturbing.)
Nattie is furious and tells the camera that this is a horrible night:
everyone’s loaded and talking about her shitty relationship plus she
gets to argue with TJ. They get back in the car and it’s even more
fighting. At one point, someone asks if they should have a “final’ at
the hotel bar (MATT: Yes! Let’s have even MORE booze!) and Nattie agrees after she “kicks TJ’s ass”. She’s not supposed to care about him though, right?
Meritage Hotel and Resort
It’s Eva Marie’s wedding day and her mother’s birthday so she gets a card and cries. (MATT: People are crying on this show? That’s new.)
TJ shows up in the lobby of the hotel in his suit and says Nattie is
permanently mad at him. Nattie shows up in a nice dress and says that
what happened last night cannot happen again. (MATT: Aaaaand then
they all board a bus and start drinking again. Nikki really helps out by
suggesting it’s time for “Brie Mode”. When ISN’T it time for Brie Mode?
And when is WWE gonna tell their employees that getting shit-faced
drunk probably isn’t the best thing considering their push on “health
and wellness”? That’s the first thing and secondly, at what point are
the Divas “taking over”? That’s the name of this fucking episode.
Nobody’s taken over anything. Did I miss something and they hijacked and occupied a nearby winery in a drunken haze?) Nattie
drinks. Summer drinks. TJ drinks. Summer fires the first shot, saying
her and Nattie are “finally getting along”. TJ says that’s a new thing.
Nattie shoots daggers at him.
Everyone shows up, wearing their Sunday best. The groomsmen all high five Jon. (MATT: Totally radical, dude!) Eva Marie shows up for the wedding with very dark hair for her Dad. He is proud of her. (MATT: Then kinda nibbles her ear or something and it’s just kinda weird…)
He says the dress is gorgeous, which in a very slutty way it is. The
couple writes their own vows but Jon says she looked so amazing, he
feels like he got hit by a truck and couldn’t remember them. (MATT: And he’s not even drinking.) She mentions women find a man like their father and she says she found one. (MATT: Uh…) The officiant makes him pledge to love her even if she never becomes Divas Champion. They kiss and they’re married. (MATT: Then Rollins comes in with the briefca–oh, I did that joke already…)
Nattie’s pissed because, lo and behold, she’s sitting next to her husband. So, Nattie decides to do something about it. First, for some reason, she calls Cameron over to whine about it, then changes the seating charts with a fucking pen
so she won’t have to sit near TJ. Cameron tells her to relax but Nattie
won’t have it. Cameron bolts to the bar to get a drink. Nattie follows
her and gets a glass of wine which she then spills on her dress. (MATT:
You know, I’ve heard that Naomi and Summer are leaving the show after
the hiatus and are being replaced with Alicia Fox and Paige. Natalya
needs to go with Naomi and Summer.)
Brie and Nikki sit and assess the day. Brie says Eva looked like a Bella
Triplet with her hair. Nikki says “a long time ago”, she thought her
wedding spot would be a vineyard. (MATT: She wanted to get married like two weeks ago.) Brie’s not happy with this and says that she finds her entire situation with Cena to be “sad”.
most brides, Eva changes her dress. She wears a black lace dress and
the black wig is off. She has her regular fire engine red hair showing
and proclaims that it’s time for “All Red Everything”. Everyone dances
and the Divas all grin ear to ear as they watch Eva dance with her Dad.
Photos are taken and everyone has a spectacular time.
that night, Summer remarks to Nattie that she must hate TJ to want to
be near her. Nattie flashes back to her wedding day a little over a year
ago and says it makes her feel like crap. Nattie feels like a failure
and leaves the reception early. TJ doesn’t do a damn thing and just
watches her leave.
(MATT: And then we fly from Sonoma, er…wait…San Franci…no…fuck, what the hell?!)
|(MATT: What does San Francisco have to do with ANYTHING?!)|
The Henry Restaurant
(MATT: And then we end up in goddamn Arizona.) JJ,
Brie and Mama Bella invite John to breakfast to talk to him about his
relationship with Nikki. John, sensing an ambush, asks if this is the
Last Supper. Mom jokes they can’t have wine. Brie orders Tequila for
some reason. This place doesn’t have mimosas? (MATT: They’re probably barred from intoxicating Brie any further.)
John says he was clear from their first date that certain things would
not happen and that the two of them agreed to these things. Not
satisfied, Brie says Nikki’s lying to herself and to John. John says he
feels like he’s being accused of manipulating Nikki. JJ says that
despite John loving Nikki, if he were in Cena’s position, he would let
her go and try to find someone will marry her. Brie says that when Nikki
was little, she wanted a large fairy tale wedding. (MATT: So, they’re intervening because Nikki said she wanted to be Cinderella the age of five? Are we fucking kidding here?) Cena
says he gets where they’re coming from and he’s not stopping Nikki. Mom
steps in and turns heel, slamming Brie and JJ’s intervention and saying
they can’t make Nikki have the life they want her to have. Brie says
it’s “not about JJ or her Mom’s opinions, it’s about what’s best for
Nicole”. (MATT: Wait…JJ and her Mom have differing opinions which are later gonna be forced on Nikki…I can’t even…) Cena says he understands where their opinions stem from.
SAN DIEGO, CA
John and Nicole’s House
asks how the wedding was. Nikki says it was great and how now she wants
to go to wine country every 6 months. He asks would she want to go by
herself and she says she would not. John says he’s not sure she knows
herself. He says he’s not sure he’s giving her a chance to get what she
wants out of life. He thinks she’s sacrificed too much for him and gets
her to admit that, ideally, she wants marriage and kids. He tells her if
you love something, you set it free. She wants to know if John is
letting her go.
And the show ends and shows previews of next season (MATT: And she gave up in two seconds. Right.) complete with two new Divas, Paige and Alicia Fox joining.
This week’s hug goes to…Eva’s Mom: Holy
shit. There is some weird, freaky shit going on in the Eva Marie
household. I’ve noticed that Eva’s Mom just kinda sits there with an
awkward look while her husband paws her daughter. It must have been even
more awkward for Eva to practically wear lingerie to her own wedding
and watch as her husband got too close to Eva yet again. I just have no idea…
This week’s punch goes to…John Cena: What
a guy. Besides the fact that the two star-crossed lovers already agreed
to be unmarried with no kids, John dumps Nikki because the Bella Family
knows what Nikki “wanted” when she was five years old. I hope they find
a unicorn for Nikki, too, because I’m pretty sure I wanted one of those
when I was five.
This week’s hug goes to…Eva Marie: Her
story was a welcome refuge, which was ironic. It should have been the
biggest: her father is pretty much dying, she’s planning a nice, big
wedding in wine country, and she’s happy as hell. Instead, we get
bullshit Bella drama, Natalya losing her shit and John Cena mumbling
through a completely phony, scripted “break-up” that will be completely
undone by the next episode.
Most annoying cast member of the week is…everyone else: Where
the fuck do I begin? First, we have Natalya who has lost her fucking
mind in every single respect. It’s obvious the producers are shoving TJ
into every scene with her and it’s hard to sympathize with her plight
when TJ mumbles a couple words here and there and she’s ready to beat
him for it. Then we have Brie and Nikki who are alcoholics. No, they
are. The whole episode was Nikki and Brie getting plastered and letting
that dictate their decisions. Brie and JJ and Mommy getting together and
verbally harassing John Cena about a relationship they know nothing
about. Mom already backpedaling. John smirking his way through the whole
thing and dumping Nikki anyhow…I am so happy that this show went on a
hiatus because it’s gotten beyond ludicrous.
Er, that’s it.
In this episode of the Place to Be Podcast, Justin and Scott welcome in the one and only Jeff Jarrett! Jeff discusses the creation and future of Global Force Wrestling, Wrestle Kingdom #9, what keeps him energized in the business, his all time favorite wrestlers to watch and why the future of pro wrestling is bright.
Jeff also plays some wrestler name association and talks about his relationship with Owen Hart and Randy Savage, his NWA gimmick in 1998, his favorite promotor to work for, and whether or not he would ever return to WWE before wrapping with a fun nostalgic trip through his territory and early WWF days.
After that, Scott and Justin reveal their next interview guest!
So fire up this action-packed episode and join Scott and Justin because it is time for another edition of the PTB Podcast!
- Brie Bella learned her husband thought her spending was so excessive that he put a tracker on their joint bank account. (MATT: Because it was.)
Not only did he learn she spent $400 to take her Mom, sister and
brother out on her Mom’s birthday and $22 on coffee for herself and
Nikki, he caller her immediately asking for explanations. (MATT: Totally not excessive to spend $22 bucks on a cup of coffee.)
Cue “Every Breath You Take,” by The Police (which despite being about
stalking finds itself featured in the playlists of clueless brides and
grooms to this day).(MATT: No…they were under financial stress.
Both of them were out of work and Bryan was healing from expensive
surgery. His wife, who only thinks of herself, went on a spending binge
with her sister cheering her on the entire way.)
- Eva Marie learned Jon was a stopwatch-loving, (MATT: jet-flyin’) itinerary-planning, (MATT: limousine-ridin’) fun-killing (MATT: kiss-stealin’)
bore when tasked with helping them and Cameron and Vincent move cross
country. The pairs also learned the fights of one couple would start the
other fighting as well.
- Rosa Mendes should have learned men don’t choose desperate women for
girlfriends after going through two men who never wanted to see her
again (bringing her total to three for this season). Instead she decided
she should hit on women and decided to follow her heart and try to
start a relationship with a woman she met a week ago because, hey, why
WINTER PARK, FL
and Nattie pick up cupcakes. They get into Rosa’s car and she confesses
she is a bad driver who lost one of her rear-view mirrors. Then she
proceeds to back out of her parking space and can’t because the lot is
the size of a toaster and she drives a gigantic gas-guzzling truck. (MATT:
She lightly dings one car and nearly backs into another and the only
thing that saves her is the proximity alarm on the car. And the whole
time, Nattie just sits there and laughs like she’s on a fucking
tilt-a-whirl.) They eventually escape their blacktop prison and…that’s that.
|(MATT: YAY! We’re back in “Concord” with Eva’s family!)|
Eva Marie’s Dad’s House
doesn’t know if her flower girls should wear red, or maybe white. Her
family teases her about if she will wear white. As a woman I’ve always
thought the women should only wear a white wedding dress as a sign of
purity/virginity thing was stupid. It’s 2014, let’s admit it, most
brides are not virgins on their wedding day. (MATT: Wait…you’re not?!)
Further, this isn’t even Eva’s true wedding, it’s a reenactment to keep
her family happy, grab gifts and boost ratings. Her wedding dress
color, therefore, should be irrelevant. She tells the camera she is so
happy her dad gets to give her away. To turn up the creepy quotient
early, Eva sits on her Dad’s lap while holding the family dog. Her Dad
cackles and says, “My two girls”. (MATT: On the bright side, he could
have made a “doggy style” joke, so I guess we lucked out and this isn’t
as creepy as we think it is…)
John and Nicole’s House
The twins are relaxing at the pool in bikinis and drinking. Nikki says she has the Ultimate Brie Mode cup: a red Solo cup with a glass stem. (MATT: Boy, Brie’s sobriety vow last episode really meant something, didn’t it?)
Nikki has invited all her Diva friends over while John is away,
shooting a movie. Cameron shows up with a new car. She says she is a car
person and would have a Ferrari if she could but, when pressed by
Nikki, says she’d rather have a house than a sports car. (MATT: She can’t have both?!)
Nikki says she will start looking for listings for her immediately.
Nikki gives them a tour of their place, which includes a viewing of one
of her luxury bags. Natalya remarks that she liked the one she got for
her birthday and that they “put Gizmo’s ashes in it”. (MATT: “We need a receptacle for our dead cat’s ashes…let’s just shove them in this Gucci thing Nikki gave us.”) Cameron
tells the camera she would love a place like Cena’s but, realistically,
she has to “bring it down a bit” and that would entail having “four
bedrooms and three baths, a pool, a patio, and a nice fireplace.” (MATT: Is that all?) Here’s hoping she’s saved a lot of cash.
Kim Kaszuba, Divorce Attorney
is dressed like she’s going clubbing, the lace and nude look, and with
her is a sullen TJ. They fight on their way to the office. The attorney
says they probably didn’t want to be in a divorce office early in the
morning. TJ tries to make light of things and quips that they probably
don’t see a lot of happy people. Kim tells them divorce litigation can
cost thousands of dollars. The other attorney tells them animals are
treated like property to be divided up at the time of divorce. Nattie
wants to know how to divide the cats up. TJ: “Chop one up, obviously.” (MATT: Oh…no…) The thought of them having to divide their three cats may be what it takes to convince them to stay together. (MATT: What about Gizmo’s Gucci-wrapped ashes?)
SAN ANTONIO, TX
Citrus – Restaurant
Bella twins are eating with Eva and Nattie. Eva laments that she can’t pull off a tan with a white dress. (MATT: But did it anyhow. Silly Eva.)
She tells them about her dad’s recurrent cancer and how she wants him
at the wedding. Brie recounts how special it was to have her father (the
deadbeat, you’ll remember, who walked out on them when she was 15.).
She relates how Bryan regrets spending so much time with WWE and so
little with his Dad who recently passed away. Eva Marie excuses herself,
probably to deal with the heavy emotions.
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW – AUSTIN, TX
The twins pass randomly pass JoJo and call out to her, then fake like they miss her. (MATT: An odd scene. Like watching a Bigfoot sighting where Bigfoot is cool with the people walking by.) The twins come to see Eva Marie. The Bellas say they just happened to wear the same color pink dress – it’s a twin thing. (MATT: This, despite the fact that they’ve hardly done this throughout the series.)
Brie comes to commiserate with her over her dad but Eva thinks she
doesn’t need to deal with it and that it’s weird and inappropriate for
her to bring it up there. (MATT: Yeah, inappropriately bring it up at an arbitrary restaurant instead.)
She walks off and they call her Jessica Rabbit. Brie’s, like,
toooootally confused as to what just happened. Nikki says that Eva needs
to deal with her Dad’s issues in her own fashion. Anyhow, whatever.
Nikki wants a cookie. Brie says that they’re on a diet (MATT: AGAIN?! WHY?) and that they can only look at the cookies. We get Nikki’s “Look But Can’t Touch” theme music to play out the segment.
The Bellas come to the ring for the Stephanie
McMahon vs. Brie Bella contract signing for the match at SummerSlam. To
recap, HHH and Stephanie attack the Bellas. Steph hits a Pedigree on
Nattie and TJ’s House
calls the cats and say they want to be with her. She tells the camera
they are sleeping in separate bedrooms and pretty much living as
roommates. She says it is the best and cheapest thing to do. They fight
over who will get what things in the divorce and she asks why he thinks
he can just demand to have everything. He says, “Because you’re doing
the same.” He says during the weeks she spent in a hotel she didn’t care
about them (him and the cats). He teases her, and tells her to relax
and she breaks down in tears.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Nikki is taking Cameron house-hunting. Nikki offers Cameron Vodka to calm her before they look at houses. (MATT: What kind of real estate business is she running?)
She tells the camera she thinks her price range is $1 million. Nikki
tells her that Mulholland Drive is the hot ticket section of L.A. and
that Cameron will look good driving through the hills in her Ferrari. (MATT: When she isn’t screaming in total frustration at the Los Angeles traffic, that is.) They
get to the first house to see, it is amazing with lots of huge windows.
The asking price, however, is $3 million dollars. Nikki says it’s a
great deal for the area. She tells the camera that this is her strategy,
next she will show Cameron a house that may not have everything she
wanted in it, but the price will be right. (MATT: So the strategy is to taunt your client with an arbitrary house way out of their price range, then show them something else?)
Brie and Bryan’s House
tells Bryan how Eva’s dad has been battling cancer for 16 years. She
recounts how she pulled Eva aside to try to offer a listening ear and
Eva declined. He wisely tells her that everyone handles everything in
their own way. Brie asks if she should throw a bridal shower for her.
She asks for theme ideas and he facetiously suggests The Transformers. (MATT: Hahahahahahaha! Let’s go look at cookies we can’t have…)
She said that is a better bachelor party theme. He claims Dean Ambrose
wanted to throw him a bachelor party and she said no. Brie says it’s
because Dean wanted to take him to a strip club to get motorboarded. (MATT: That isn’t possible. That is just not possible for a stripper to motorboat Daniel Bryan. I don’t want to think about this anymore, actually.) Was this plot contrivance? (MATT: This might be a weak shout-out to a meme that originated when a fan snapped a pic of Dean’s wristband at a house show. The tape on his wrists said, “Titty Master”. Also, that “party” could have been an awesome episode.)
SHERMAN OAKS, CA
asks right off what the price is and it’s closer to her budget, but
still over a million by about $400K. Still, they go see the house. She
says it is perfect and wants Vincent to come see it.
Nattie and TJ’s House
Naomi is over for dinner and Nattie can’t wait for her to meet one of her cats. (MATT: Oh, great, Naomi’s mediating now?)
They toast to “struggling” with champagne. They compare notes on how
much they hate chores. Nattie complains that TJ didn’t do laundry, brush
out the cat’s tail, etc. TJ enters and Nattie immediately pounces on
him about forgetting the laundry. (MATT: I wonder what they made for dinner…)
Nattie puts TJ’s laundry out on the lawn. Naomi’s stunned and picks up
the laundry, bringing it back inside. TJ and Naomi talk. Naomi admits
when she was in developmental and her husband was on the road, they
would fight a lot. TJ says they’ve been on different schedules before.
Nattie tells him they were having a girl’s night, so he should just get
his ass back in his room. (MATT: Imagine a guy saying this to a woman.) Tyson does it without question. He should have left for a hotel this time. (MATT: He should be packing and leaving, period.)
SHERMAN OAKS, CA
Second House – Second Visit w/ Vincent
says there are 6 bedrooms and Vincent says that’ s a lot for him to
clean when she’s gone. He says it’s like buying a car that’s
fully-loaded. Vincent says he’s in love with the house (as he sits fully
clothed in the empty bathroom jacuzzi) but the asking price scares him.
He says they need to talk about things.
Oakland International Airport
Marie picks up Jon who will be coming with her on the road for a
change. Eva tells Jon about the Bellas approaching her about her Dad. He thinks maybe she should assess the situation with her Dad.
In keeping with the tradition of this show’s abusive relationships, she
tells him to fuck off because the situation isn’t that bad. What is it
with this show? just a few episodes before she wanted a Catholic wedding
because her dad was practically ready to climb into his own coffin and
now, since non-family members are discussing it, she’s confident he’s
going to have a miraculous and full recovery?
LOS ANGELES, CA
Cameron and Vincent meet with Nikki to put in a good offer for the house. Cameron has (MATT: …sucked Vinnie off…) convinced Vinnie that the house is a good idea. (MATT: Same thing.) Nikki
says there are many offers so she thinks she should put in a full $1.4
million. Vinnie and Cameron go off to talk, Cameron is bummed as Vinnie
thought she would bring them a deal closer to $1.1 Million. Vincent
comes up with the brilliant idea of asking Nikki to give up her entire
commission so they can afford it. (MATT: Awesome idea. And when that falls through, I’m sure you could ask Nikki to lend you the $1.4 million.)
Cameron says as she would be their first buyer would she be willing to
take half or no commission. She says its business and not personal and
Nikki said she thought that, with Vincent’s job, they could afford this
home. Right on cue: champagne, a major plot point in this episode, it
seems, is brought to the table. But Cameron’s not happy with the deal
and they storm off, leaving champagne on the table. (MATT: Man! They didn’t even get to toast to their “struggles”!)
They should at least have downed the champagne first. Nikki follows
them out asking if everything is OK. Cameron says she will find another
relator. Nikki says they wasted her time. (MATT: Agent, bye!)
WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW – RICHMOND, VA
approaches Jon about her throwing Eva a bridal shower. Jon thinks that
is a wonderful idea as Eva’s stressed over her Dad. He says he will do
whatever he needs to, to help.
Marie takes on AJ (Divas Champion at the time). Eva seems to be holding
her own and manages to put AJ in a backbreaker, Still, the editors are
bored with the match and we cut backstage.
goes to talk to Cameron. She apologizes for showing them such expensive
houses. Cameron says if Nikki wasn’t dating Cena, she wouldn’t have
such nice things. She says she can’t afford a house right now. They make
up and their friendship seems back on track. (MATT: What the fuck was the point of the whole “house-hunting” plotline then?! Did Cameron think she’d get a house for free?
TJ and Nattie’s House
Nattie’s doing dishes. TJ won’t help with the laundry. (MATT: How is this still an issue?)
She says she will do both. He says he’s surprised she didn’t throw the
dishes on the lawn. She says that she’s had enough. TJ: “YOU’VE had enough?!”
Defeated he goes to his room to pack. He’s finally leaving so they will
stop fighting. She tells the camera she is relieved. What? She travels
all the time, his career is DOA and he’s moving out (albeit
temporarily)? (MATT: Would you wanna live in that house like that?)
LOS ANGELES, CA
comes to the hotel under the pretense that she’s meeting with Brie
about planning her wedding. She’s shocked to be at her surprise tea
bridal shower. (MATT: TEA MODE!!!) Ironically, she is wearing a
white dress. Even her mom, Josie, Summer Rae and Jon are there. Jon
shows up with an Esther Gallant ring for her upgrade, to which Eva reacts with a tepid, “My heart is, like…beating.” (MATT: That’s our Eva!) Brie and Eva make up. Eva
tells her Mom that she doesn’t want to be in the dark about her Dad’s
condition. Josie says Eva should call her dad every day, even if it’s
just five minutes. She decides her Dad needs to level with her. She
calls and tells him she is there for him for moral support. She hopes he
can open up to her more. At one point, she says she doesn’t want to
have to hop on a plane and go and spank him. What? I cannot wait to hear
Matt’s (and our reader’s reactions) to this. He says he likes spankings
and her Mom will tell her so. Way TMI. He laughs sounding like the combination of a person using an electronic voice box and The Penguin. (MATT: I’m not sure what was creepier: the suggestion of the spanking or her Dad’s weird maniacal laughter.)
MONDAY NIGHT RAW – HONDA CENTER IN ANAHEIM, CA
finds TJ joking with some staff backstage. She tells him he’s been off
main roster for over a year and now he’s here at work embarrassing her.
Is she going to put him out on the lawn? (MATT: Maybe toast to his struggles with champagne?)
She asks why he is there. He says he’s under contract and he didn’t
plan on seeing her backstage. Nikki tries to coax Nattie to walk away
but she won’t go. They keep fighting and finally Nattie and Nikki walk
This week’s hug goes to – Brie. She
meant well when trying to get Eva Marie to talk about her Dad and while
their own situation was very different, she did show empathy in how the
father-daughter dynamic gets magnified on your wedding day. Then,
without Eva Marie even saying she was sorry for the attitude she gave
Brie (who did mean well), she organized a touching and beautiful bridal
This week’s punch goes to – Cameron and Nattie (tie). Both
of these Divas were total brats this week. Cameron wanted her boyfriend
to fall in love with the house before he knew how much it cost. Then
she wanted Nikki to take half or better yet no commission so they could
save six months in payments, screwing her out of her first real estate
commission. Nattie argued with TJ about everything told him to go to his
room like he was 6 and yelled at him for being backstage at RAW. They
should divorce, now. Perhaps with next week being the season finale,
they will announce that they are divorcing.
This week’s hug goes to – Tyson. Ho.
Lee. Shit. This is either a spectacular editing job or Natalya is a
complete and total head case. This was the first time I’ve seen Tyson in
a sympathetic light and, wow. His current character on TV is almost
Annoying Diva of the Week – Natalya. See
above. The nagging, the childish tantrums, the incessant yelling for no
reason, the hypocrisy, the demanding behavior…she made Nikki Bella
look like a princess in comparison.
In this episode of the Place to Be Podcast, Justin and Scott welcome back Scott Keith to again dive into their respective mailbags. Scott, Justin and Scott chat about WWE Network, PPV titles, iron man matches, World titles, TNA’s future, wrestler quirks, defining moments, wrestling figures and much more!
On Episode 21 of The Kevin Kelly Show, it is time for Halloween and to celebrate, Kevin welcomes in David “Gangrel” Heath for a chat! They talk about how he got his start in wrestling, his WWF run and the evolution of his character, the trademark issues with the name Gangrel, the promotions he is currently running, training Rusev, his relationship with Luna Vachon and much more. Be sure to check out Territory League Wrestling and follow Gangrel on Twitter!
Kevin & JR then talk about wrestling Halloween traditions, the best and worst wrestling costumes, Hell in a Cell 2014 and more before hitting up the always popular Trending Topics!
The show wraps with a spirited game of Trick or Treat, where Kevin decides which celebrities, wrestlers and athletes deserve a trick or a treat in 2014.
So please join us for another great episode of the Kevin Kelly Show!
Last week, E! made life interesting and miserable for Matt and I by
airing two episodes, back to back. This week, they learned from their
experience — and did it again because fuck us.
Last week’s episode, (“The Double Cross”), the Divas had some more unreasonable actions of their own including:
- Rosa lamented how she hadn’t had a boyfriend or sex in a year. She
met former football player Gary Barnbridge, and scores two dates, both
of which were pretty disasterous. From discussing diets on date one, to
using date two to explain that a man had to treat her like a queen,
while she would withhold sex till they were official and in love, he
ended up calling it a night and ending it. Summer Rae scored a date with
him because, hey, there’s a man shortage, haven’t you heard?
- John Cena and Nikki are both involved with movie projects. The Bella
Twins had roles playing vapid twins, which is a real stretch, I know.
We saw the couple at the premiere — complete with many empty seats.
John, who was in the middle of filming his movie, hadn’t told Nikki that
he had to perform a sex scene and, when he finally caved and told her
(after aggressively asking if she’d do one), Nikki loses it. Her beef
was essentially this: Cena’s cheating on her by doing the scene and he’d
have to pick the role or pick her. (MATT: Despite the fact that she made out with Daniel Bryan while they were dating — but forget about that.)
Somehow, he talked her into realizing it wasn’t that bad of a thing to
have in his movie especially as you only see his bare butt, and another
relationship continues long past when it should end.
- Nattie stayed in New York a day longer than needed for work and told
her husband it was to shop. However, she spent time with fellow
wrestler Darren Young which the paparazzi called a date. When they asked
how TJ was, Nattie joked that they “weren’t divorced yet”. TJ was
understandably outraged that Nattie could have made a joke about that
and confronted her, with Nattie ending up in the bedroom, upset over
Will Matt and I get upset and end up in a fight over this episode? Let’s find out!
Nattie is telling the twins that her tire blew out on the way to their last show. (MATT: 20 seconds in, Nattie’s already suffered for all our sins. That’s gotta be a record.)
Brie one-ups Nattie because she hasn’t suffered enough: Brie and Bryan
were robbed. The robbers were home when they got home. Brie called 911,
Bryan chased the robbers, caught one and put him in a choke hold. (MATT: All true. Kinda like David Copperfield’s “slight of hand” when a thief thought he was stealing his wallet.) Wait, he’s so injured he can’t hang a 5 lb photo, but he can take down a robber with a choke hold? (MATT: GOOGLE DOESN’T LIE! ALL THOSE RKO-OUT-OF-NOWHERE VIDEOS ARE REAL, TOO!!!) Nikki tops off this Dick Sundae, saying they robbed the wrong house because “the only diamond they own is on Brie’s finger”. (MATT: And Nikki is already on the Annoying Diva List…)
Daniel and Brie’s House
Brie gets a call from WWE Talent Relations guy, Mark Carrano. They’re both invited to the Teen Choice Awards. (MATT: The Easy Bake Oven of award shows, though slightly better than the MTV Movie Awards…which isn’t saying much.)
She’s thrilled as she usually goes with Nikki. The fact that she’s been
invited with her husband makes it extra special. She wants him to
high-five her for the fact they have to shop for something and he
refuses. Brie tells the camera that “everyone wants to see what you wear
on the Red Carpet. (MATT: No…no…that’s the Oscars. People wear jeans and t-shirts for this show…but, then, this is a woman who thought a seal was a fish, so…)
He says neither of them needs a new outfit for this as they have plenty
of clothes. No fashion designer would lend Brie and outfit for the
publicity? He looks through her closet and points out things she could
wear and she rebukes them all, as she’s “worn them before”. She says he
buys too many things on Amazon. “Like books”. (MATT: And she needs to buy more shit from Amazon. Like books.)
Eva Marie and Jon’s Apartment
is complaining that he’s had to move multiple times for her. She asks
if he’s excited that Cameron and Vincent will be doing a couple’s trip
with them as part of the move process. Given the title of this episode,
it’s clear things will not go well. Eva wants him to fix her shoes, he
asks if he looks like a cobbler, a term she has never heard of. (MATT: Not even cobblers use the term, “cobbler”. Eva Marie is forgiven, k? Cuz she’s hot.)
Boing Jump Center
Rosa meets Chad, her “date to take her mind of Gary”. (MATT: Take her mind off him? They went on two short dates and talked about food the entire time.)
Gary isn’t texting her back (since he’s seeing Summer, as you might
recall). He’s a model and she met him online. This won’t go well. (MATT: Yes, let the cynicism flow through you…)
They’re at a trampoline gym, which looks like a lot of of fun. He
reveals he’s 23 and she says he’s so mature, to which he replies, “I took you to a trampoline bounce house.” Chad reveals he’s a Christian and she says she’s one, too. (MATT: Acquiesce Theater right here.) She
says she never dated one before as her appearance tends not to be the
type to attract fellow Christians. She says that “sharing your body with
somebody that doesn’t have God in them [isn’t right].” (MATT: Like that’s stopped her before.) She
feels sparks — but, due to his beliefs, he’s waiting for marriage to
have sex. She tells him she loves that, but she tells the camera she
can’t wait that long. (MATT: All the Atheists breathe a sigh of relief.)
and Cameron go to pick up their trailer. Eva states that she has never
driven one before and hopes she doesn’t hit anything. Cameron rides on
the hitch and in the pickup part but finally gets in the truck. Finally
Eva Marie puts the trailer over the sidewalk, parks it over the curb,
thenhits a tree with her truck. Eva and Cameron laugh, hysterically.
Cameron checks out the damage, actually working in her dumb catchphrase,
“Girl, bye” when she does it. (MATT: “The potential for vehicular manslaughter is sooooo funny!”) Cameron says she’s worries about getting on the highway.
117 South Restaurant
twins are celebrating their mom, Kathy’s birthday with her and JJ. It
is her 50th birthday and, while she did not get her mom a gift, (lame)
she decides she will pick up the check for all of them. (Considering
Rosa’s apparent fetish for hitting on women who are having
their birthdays, I’m half surprised Rosa didn’t pop out of a cake when
dessert came). (MATT: The scene is young.) As they are walking
out of the restaurant, Brie gets a call from Daniel who received an
alert that she spent $400 at dinner using their joint bank account. (MATT: Wait, wait, wait…what happened with Rosa and the birthday cake?) Brie says she doesn’t know if “bank texts are real”. (MATT: Doesn’t know? How could she not know?) Brie
is outraged. Daniel says taking her Mom out for a birthday is fine but
$400 bucks is too much to spend. He reminds her they agreed to talk
about those kinds of things first. Nikki calls for her to get in the car. She’s driving. And she’s slurring, drunkenly. (MATT: Yup, she’s racking up the Annoying Diva charges.)
CLEVELAND, OH for Monday Night RAW
McMahon comes to talk to the Divas along with the company’s charity
representative. Steph mentions October being breast cancer month and
that they will have the Divas represent Susan G. Komen. She tells them
having a mammogram doesn’t really hurt, it just flattens your boob like a
pancake and they take a lot harder things in the ring. She doesn’t
really elaborate on what they will do for the charity, my guess is
making some sort of mammogram commercials.
Rae is fighting a mixed tag team match with Adam Rose against Fandango
and Layla. Michael Cole refreshes us on the then-storyline: Summer got
dumped by Fandango via Twitter and JBL feels that is a fair use of the
medium. Summer Rae tussles with Layla and then chases Layla out of the
Gary comes to see Summer.
Summer tells the camera that while Rosa dated him first, they didn’t
seem to have chemistry and, if Rosa was really her friend, she’d
understand if things worked out between the two of them. She finds out
his seats are right near the Spanish Announce table. Rosa is stunned to
see Gary is there. Rosa says on camera that she is so heated, her skin
is boiling. (MATT: That’s just “God inside you”.) She pulls Summer aside to talk.
is furious. Summer had told her not to text Gary to let him be a man.
Summer says it’s not that bad as she’s not dating him and he’s not into
her. (MATT: If what I’m watching is real, then the fact that everyone
has to point out the blatantly obvious on this show just reinforces the
notion that every single person on this show is a goddamn moron.)
Rosa says she lied by not saying she was dating him. Rosa feels very
betrayed by Summer, saying that it’s supposed to be “chicks before
dicks”. Summer questions whether Rosa should even be dating at this
stage. They exchange words and Rosa storms off after saying she wants to
punch Summer in the face. (MATT: I don’t want to but Rosa should probably get in line behind the thousands of women who’d like to.) Summer tells her, “That’s not part of your program”, obviously referencing Rosa’s trip through AA.
Nattie is telling the Divas that a cat peed in the guest room. (MATT: If Nattie ends up with stigmata at the end of the show, I wouldn’t shocked.) Brie
complains about how “hard it is having combined bank accounts”. Nikki
says he’s checking her spending. Brie says that Bryan won’t let her get a
new dress and wants her to wear something she “already wore”. (MATT: Life is so hard for the Bellas.) Nattie
says there’s only so much you can do with a dress. Presumably WWE pays
for their accommodations, if for no other reason then to know for sure
what hotel they are in, not sure about rental cars, but they don’t have
different costumes for every event. How much could they possibly be
spending on hair and makeup that presumably is done for them by WWE
employees? Brie says it’s not that she wants to spend money it’s that
she has to. (MATT: No…she wants to spend money on a dress. She doesn’t have to spend it.)
Jon and Eva Marie’s House
Vincent’s flight got delayed, so it screwed up their schedule. Jon made color-coded itineraries for everyone. Cameron
says she feels like she’s at work. Eva Marie picks on the fact that he
budgeted 5 minutes for a gas and bathroom break and asks if he will use a
stopwatch as a joke. He says she didn’t contribute to this (though she
did pick up the U-Haul) (MATT: And crashed it, so I’d say that disqualifies her.).
Cameron suggests they throw a few things down to the ground to have fun
and so they do – dropping several boxes and even the mattress. (MATT: Wwwwwwhy…?) Surprisingly, nothing seems to break.
Bella Twins are shopping at a vintage boutique. They try on dresses: a
gorgeous purple wrap dress for Nikki and Brie tries a yellow Dolce
Gabanna dress with flowers, it’s cute but I wouldn’t wear it. Brie wants
Nikki to buy it so Daniel won’t know it’s new. Nikki agrees to it. (MATT: If I asked my brother to spend thousands on something I didn’t need, I’d get laughed at.)
finally makes it in. No one is happy to see the itineraries —
especially with the 6 AM start time each day. The boys sit in the front,
the girls in back. Cameron is singing a cheerleader-like chant but,
when Eva Marie asks if she was a cheerleader, she says no. I know she is
thinking of a cheerleader at a school level, but as a Funkadactyl she
certainly was one of sort.
They pull in to sight see. (MATT: Seriously, I have nothing.) This was on Jon’s itineraries really? Everyone is having fun, (MATT: HOW?!) but Jon tries to get them to leave. Finally, he convinces them to leave. (MATT: Well, now…wasn’t that worth 90 seconds of your time?)
The Grind (Coffee Shop)
The twins are getting drinks at a
coffee shop. Brie gets a call from Daniel asking what The Grind is. Is
he getting alerts for every cent she spends? He’s asking why she spend
$22 on coffee? (MATT: That goddamn drink better be mowing my lawn for $22 dollars.) Nikki says that Brie works hard for her money, so she should be able to spend it as she wants. (MATT: Says the healthy person living off Cena.) Nikki says such monitoring is only needed when someone is addicted to shopping and she is not. (MATT: $400 on dinner, thousands on a dress $22 on coffee — and that’s just what we have witnessed.)
Brie tells the camera that she’s fed up with her husband calling her
about spending “a dollar” and says it makes her feel like her husband
doesn’t trust her. (MATT: “A dollar”, which paid for all of the above?)
ON THE ROAD
are not on a schedule and don’t have a hotel room in the town they are
in. Jon says they should go to Mobile, AL but every room is sold out via
Cameron’s phone. (MATT: …aaaaand, it’s a horror film, now.) Cameron
calls a hotel that, of course, only has one room available. Cameron
asks the camera how they’re all gonna “fit in one bed”. (MATT: I just became very interested…) The
clerk will leave them directions in a lock box to their room. Jon says
they will be out in the middle of nowhere and will probably get
murdered. (MATT: …aaaaaand…it’s meta-horror?)
tells the camera she is on the prowl for “the one”. She sees her date,
Nate, and tries to sneak up on him, but he isn’t startled. He admires
her watch and they laugh that they both have the wrong time on their
watches. Rosa, who has obviously learned nothing from losing Gary, asks
him what he is looking for, less than five minutes into the date. Nate says he’s looking for fun, which in my guy-to-gal dictionary means “come join my harem if you can hang”. (MATT: Then, she tells him that she’s “horny”. This is off to a great start.) After
food arrives, she tells him she’s sober, feels his muscles and feeds
him. He says his turns offs are forward women, which means he should be
asking for the check soon a’la Gary-style. Rosa complains to the camera
she’s giving him sex eyes and can’t win. I don’t think she knows what
the hell she wants. (MATT: You can’t say you’re looking for “the one”
and then practically hump the dude’s leg during dinner. This is the
kinda Jekyll/Hyde character bullshit I’m talking about with this show.)
ON THE ROAD
Alabama State Sign
says he feels sick, Eva and Vincent blame the gas station burritos he
had as Jon wouldn’t let them stop at a sit down place for food due to
wanting to keep to a schedule.
The Shephard House
Our travelers come to their destination: a hotel that they facetiously call “The Haunted Mansion”. (MATT: The Haunted Mansion is more hospitable.)
They see rocking chairs on the porce and, immediately, denounce that as
“creepy”. The place is huge and their room has no shower (just a tub).
There is only one bed. They joke the men will sleep on the outside and
the women on the inside. They make jokes about murderers getting them
while they sleep. (MATT: IT’S A VICTORIAN-STYLE BED & BREAKFAST! GET A FUCKING GRIP!!!)
Nattie and Rosa’s Rental Car
is lamenting that she hasn’t heard from Nate and says that maybe she
came on too strong. Nattie tells her to take it slow, after all she and
TJ didn’t get married for more than a decade after they started dating.
Even then, they don’t have a perfect marriage. (MATT: That’s reassuring.)
The Shephard House
Jon wakes up and tells everyone they must get out on the road as their schedule is off.
LOS ANGELES, CA
Daniel and Brie’s hotel room
shows the yellow dress to her husband and says she made Nikki buy it
for her as he was so concerned that she spends too much. (MATT: Guilt Trip Mo–er, BRIE MODE!)
She says she is careful with money and always has a plan and he
disagrees with her statement. She says she needed to have a new outfit
for the red carpet. He says that is the stupidest thing he’s ever heard
of. The dress just does not say red carpet to me. (MATT: This whole storyline says “spoiled brat” to me.)
Teen Choice Awards – Red carpet
Brie is interviewed and gets to say she is wearing vintage Dolce Gabanna. (MATT: And nobody of note cares.) Daniel is wearing a regular shirt. in their rental car. (MATT: You mean “ONE FROM HIS CLOSET THAT HE’S ALREADY WORN???)
Daniel says he kind of gets that dresses are important for her
branding. He says he’s not always the one in the right — maybe 95%. And
they joked their way out of a fight, love it. (MATT: And another important marital issue is swept under the rug! Awwww…)
ON THE ROAD
and Eva Marie argue as they are buying souvenirs in the truck stop and
he wants to round people up. He says she didn’t do anything for the move
besides throw some boxes. She walks off to find the rest to get
everyone ready to go.
Sick of not being able to connect with men, Rosa decides to take Nattie to a lesbian bar. (MATT: WHAT?! Didn’t Nattie tell her to fuck off and not try this shit TWO EPISODES AGO???) Nattie tells the camera that Rosa should not even be in a bar. Rosa kisses another woman in front of Nattie. (MATT: And it’s like watching Biff Tannen trying to kiss Lorraine in Back to the Future Part II.) Nattie talks to a girl about vitamins while Rosa flirts. (MATT: This does not shock me. Seriously.) Nattie tells Rosa to keep the “mouse in the house”. Rosa says she will but implies she will still kiss other girls. (MATT: This wouldn’t turn on a 7th-grade Sex Ed class.)
yells at Jon for sighing under his breath. Eva says he’s being passive
aggressive. Cameron tells them to be calm and Vinnie yells at her for
butting in. Soon, Vinnie and Cameron are arguing. (MATT: Is it me, or are all the men on this show controlling, misogynist dickheads?)
SAN ANTONIO, TX
Eva Marie and Jon are arguing as they sit together at a table for two. (MATT: Can we stop the episode so I can leap off here or…?) He
says they should get rid of the U-Haul and hire movers and take flights
to get to where they are going. Jon said he knew that was going to
happen. (MATT: Why they even tried this in the first place is beyond me.)
Jon apologizes to everyone in the car. Eva tells everyone that it’s quitting time. They all make up. That was quick.
Nattie and Rosa’s Hotel Room
asks what last night was about. Nattie went home early and Rosa stayed
out till 5 am. Nattie tells the camera she is worried about Rosa
relapsing. Rosa says she’s more into guys, but she has been with women
before. She claims she’s freaked out by guys and every relationship
she’s been in has had abuse and pain in it. Nattie says some people in
her life have had substance abuse problems and they are trying to fill a
void with drugs. Nattie says the most important thing in life is a
human connection, more important than money, a championship, so if she
connected with that woman she kissed, so be it. Nattie agrees the woman
has a nice rack, Rosa says she also had a nice butt and that she will
call her. (MATT: 59 minutes into the show, and we finally have something compelling to watch.)
This week’s hug goes to: Brie –
She loves her husband, but she has to hide her spending from him as
he’s literally tracking every purchase she makes. That’s just sick. Matt
and I have a joint bank account, also, but we don’t track each other
like cyber stalkers. Prudent couples trust each other – and realize some
discretionary free spending should be encouraged.
This week’s punches go to: Daniel and Jon (tie) (for
the first time ever both to husbands of Divas and none to Divas) – both
micromanaged and control freaked their way through this episode, both
need to trust their wives and let them be who they are instead of
micromanaging them. Daniel needs to let her have some free spending
money, especially when she’s primary wage earner now. Jon needed to
recognize that a road trip is supposed to be fun and with three people
wanting to have fun on the trip, he should have just relaxed and let it
be fun for all of them, himself included.
This week’s hug goes to: Rosa – This
was process of elimination, really. Rosa’s “hunt for the one”, as silly
as it is, was the emotional anchor and managed to give us the only
thing worth watching on the show. I know people like her and it’s kinda
sad to see them collapsing. The thing is, she’s 100 percent correct at
the end: it doesn’t matter where you get your fix as long as you’re not
doing damage to yourself or anyone else. That’s your lesson for today,
boys and girls. Look for WWE to shit all over it somehow in the next ep.
Annoying Cast Member of the Week: The Bella Twins – Nikki
started high the list and, really, including her in this might not seem
fair…but it’s more than warranted. These two are spoiled goddamn
brats. You can’t wear a fucking dress you’ve “already worn” that’s “from
your closet”?! Say it ain’t so! I’ve got, maybe, a dozen nice shirts
and two suits. That’s it. Would I like something nicer? Sure. CAN I? No.
WHY? I can’t fucking afford it. Danielle said, above, that we have a
joint account and that’s true. We also communicate and approve purchases
and work them into our budgets. Watching Brie just drop loads of cash
with her husband questioning her every step of the way is warranted.
When I was married, my wife used to do the same and it was something
that I realized, after our divorce, she was 100 percent correct about. I
was stupid for going out and living beyond our means and watching this
and watching the Bellas pout, pathetically, about not using dresses when
they have about 700 to choose from in their closets is fucking garbage.
And not to be a Fake Concern Troll here, but there are people who don’t
have the benefit of wealth, so seeing Nikki turn her high maintenance
nose up and approving of her sister’s behavior automatically reserves a
spot on this list right next to Brie. I mean, I’m not even mentioning
the drunk driving or her insulting her own sister over the “only diamond
she owns”. Let’s just stop here.
Er, that’s it.
Last episode, of course, was dedicated to Eva Marie and Jon’s
bachelor/ette party in Curacao, Mexico. In this episode, we got to see
differences in how our group of Divas had fun and celebrated.
- To Nattie, such a getaway meant a good time to get away and have a
romantic time reconnecting with her husband. Unfortunately, TJ’s concept
of romance and connection was feeding ostriches at a farm and not
banging the shit out of her when she brought up the idea. (MATT: Let that sink in for a moment: he actually researched things to do in Curacao and chose to visit an Ostrich Farm.)
- Brie lost her luggage and had to make do with her sister’s clothing
and persistent badgering. She did drink some but, for the most part,
wanted to think about her husband at home and how to decorate that home.
Nikki kept lamenting the loss of her sister (or rather the loss of her
sister as her co-conspirator in getting drunk and acting silly) and may
have made some personal growth in recognizing they are just very
different women who (as Nikki said herself in the first season) she
wouldn’t be friends with if they weren’t sisters.
- Cameron, as usual, didn’t have much time for Vincent, though she did
want to drag him away on this excursion. Though she barely spent time
with him on the vacation, she did decide to house hunt with him after he
made his feelings about their relationship known. Since Nikki is the
only real estate agent they know (plot contrivance), she asked Nikki to
be her realtor.
And, now…part 2 of our Divas Doubleheader…still booze-free…
Natty and Rosa’s Rental Car
The ladies refuse help from the hotel valets with their luggage as they’re “strong girls”. (MATT: Rosa uses two hands and barely gets her case into the car. STRONG!)
They also don’t appear to tip, maybe they realized they forgot to get
cash for such occassions, which happens to me all the time as I usually
pay for things with a debit card. Natalya hears a buzzing sound coming
from Rosa’s bag. She turns 4 shades of red and says it’s her “electric
toothbrush”. Nattie tells Rosa to pull over so they can investigate.
Natty pulls out Rosa’s vibrator which Rosa says she “used this morning”.
(MATT: That makes it all better.) Natty, who is in Prude Mode (MATT: Doesn’t want to know that she masturbates like every other woman on the planet?)
following her horny streak in Curacao, declares that this is “too
intense” and says she “doesn’t need to know this much about her”. She
asks for a baby wipe but Rosa claims she “washed it”. (MATT: Every
single week, I say, “Maybe I’ll be surprised and Total Divas will be
good. Every single week, I do this. Why do I do it? Why? WHY???)
John and Nikki’s House
Nikki is excited for the movie she’s
in called, “Confessions of a Womanizer”. John jokes he has a small
part, she says he does not. (MATT: They are talking about penises…right?)
the car, Nikki tells John that “he likes penis jokes”, so he’ll “like
the comedy in the movie.” He doesn’t know what else to say except,
“Thank you.” (MATT: I know I’ll be the first one in line for this masterpiece of American cinema…)
show up at the red carpet premiere with director, Miguel Ali. Naomi
shows up (via invite) and Nikki says she’s excited — this is the first
thing she’s been in. Nikki is stoked, saying that it’s a thrill to “play
somebody else, a whole new character”. Then we get a look at her
“character”: a superficial valley girl who verbally harasses guys she
thinks are beneath her and twirls her gum.
|(MATT: Pictured – “Somebody Else”)|
There are a ton of empty seats in the
theater as John and Nikki watch the film and, somehow, the audience
laughs at “jokes” like, “Just because we’re twins doesn’t mean I wanna
fuck my sister.” Nikki says that this role makes her happy and that she
can see “more movies in her future”.
|(MATT: Pictured – “Happiness”)|
Rosa and Natalya’s Hotel Room
(MATT: Pre-emptive solution: why doesn’t Nattie just stop bunking and hanging around with Rosa? I know that WWE told her to babysit…but Rosa certainly didn’t need a handler while Nattie was off in Curacao, did she?) Nattie picks on her for wearing a white tank top and shorts. (MATT:
Why are we still seeing Divas shaming clothing choices? What is the
point of that? They’re all basically nude when they go to the ring.) Nattie says Rosa looks like she’s going to a nudist colony. Rosa says she likes to show off skin.
Rosa and Nattie’s Rental Car
and Nattie watch as a fire truck crosses the intersection in front of
them. Rosa says that that the firemen inside are probably cute. (MATT: Sound familiar, Danielle?) Nattie
is still locked in Prude Mode and asks what Rosa means. Rosa says
hasn’t had sex in a year and a month and that she’s “on the hunt”.
Judging from the last few episodes, it’s been a long time for Nattie,
too. However, Rosa says she’s looking for a guy to be
“well-endowed”…and a guy who is willing to wait a bit. Wait…what?
You either you want to get it hard fast and now or you don’t. (MATT:
She practically dry humps every single Diva she sees and eye-fucks every
dude in front of her. As Andy PG said: This show…this fucking show.)
Nattie, practically advocating male dominance and female submission,
says that guys don’t want to “sit around and play Monopoly”. Rosa
counters and says the wrong kind of relationship could make her want to
drink again. She’s scared to date and she wants to meet her future
husband, she tells the camera. Nattie tells her she’ll know when she
meets the right guy. (MATT: Just like Nattie did! Uh, wait…)
Central Avenue Oyster Bar (Restaurant)
the premiere, John tells Nikki, “Take me to dinner, movie star.” They
toast her success. Nikki is really proud of her role, but also proud of
her husband who just landed a role in Judd
Apatow’s upcoming film, “Trainwreck”. She says that the cast is
“unreal”. (MATT: If you consider Judd Apatow, Tilda Swinton, the dude
from African-Spielberg pirate flick, and a bunch of SNL rejects,
comedians, a hip hop artist and LeBron James “unreal”, that is.)
John looks a touch pensive and asks if she would ever be naked on film.
She says she would not and says, off-camera, that “the girls” are for
her man and she wouldn’t show them. However, she’s ok with implied
nudity, such as a shot of her back when she’s topless. He keeps prodding
and asks would she ever do a sex scene, but she says she will only do a
sex scene with John. He asked an awful lot of questions. Just what is
in his movie? (MATT: Well, the film doesn’t really have details yet, but it–.) Did he do full frontal? (MATT: Well, I don’t kn–.) Does he have a graphic sex scene? (MATT: I really don’t thi–.) Is this movie a porno? (MATT: Why do we suddenly have advance tickets, Danielle? DANIELLE???)
Brick House Tavern + Tap (Restaurant)
goes to meet Naomi for lunch as Naomi did not go to Eva Marie’s
bachelorette party in Curacao. We see “highlights” from the party in
Curacao which was comprised of Nattie being miserable 95 percent of the
time. Naomi asks if she’s considered marriage counseling. She admits
they tried sex therapy, which was bad for TJ, but not regular therapy.
She says the sex therapy scarred him. (MATT: The only “scars” you should have after sex therapy are nail marks in your fucking back.) Nattie: “TJ says I’m such a control freak But I feel like my way is the right way”. Naomi grimaces.
asks if John is excited about his movie. He says that he is and that he
plays Amy Schumer’s boyfriend who is over obsessive. He says there’s a
sex scene involved — and Nikki’s expression changes. Needless to say,
she’s not quite happy. Then, to make matters worse, he says it has
“partial nudity” — but just his butt. She tells the camera that Cena is
her man and that it may be “just an ass” but that it’s “her ass”. She
says she feels like he kept that from her. John: “I didn’t keep it from
you — we’re talking about it.” (MATT: Shut up, John. It’s no fun when you destroy this show’s bullshit with actual logical thinking.) He
says he apologizes for not telling her immediately. She says that this
was a decision they both should have made and that he has to be naked
with somebody and pretend that they’re attracted to one another. He says
it’s one sex scene. She says he’s choosing that over “their
relationship”. Cena: “No…you’re putting our relationship on the line over this.”) (MATT: SHUT UP, JOHN!! STOP THINKING!!) Nikki: “Why don’t you ask other women and see if they’d like their men to be in sex scenes.” (MATT: So, he should ask all the men who have done sex scenes if their women wanted them do that?) Cena says that maybe he’s not with the right woman.
After a break, SexGate continues. Nikki says it’s “weird to fake fuck somebody”. Cena
calls her insecure. Nikki says she’s not insecure and that she’s
concerned about him. She says that he’s gonna be with somebody else. He
tells her “it’s a production” and that it isn’t real at all. (MATT: Didn’t Nikki pretend to be fake-fucking Daniel Bryan at one point?)
Nikki pushes the narrative, again, that Cena “hid this from her” and
then says they “never discuss stuff because they’re not married”. (MATT: You have to be “married” to talk about things?) Nikki
turns on the water works and starts crying, saying that they need to
have a real relationship but she’s not in one. She’s just that girl who
“signed the paper and lives in John Cena’s house”. (MATT: She’s just NOW realizing this?)
He says if Nikki feels like crap because he doesn’t tell her every
single thing, then everything they’ve been through has been pointless.
asks Rosa how their matches were during their recent shows in the area.
Rosa says that she “gave Eva her body to work with”. Rosa says she’s
going out to lunch with one of the Cleveland Browns. Nattie calls the
dude a “meathead”. (MATT: Yet, she’s still got a better deal than Nattie.)
has lunch with Cleveland Brown Gary Barnidge. They compare diets. He
likes the Queso dip at the place but she says that would add “cottage
cheese to her ass”. He says he can eat anything because his workouts
dump a ton of calories. Rosa says she has a nicer ass than most of the
younger girls in the locker room. She seems to hit it off and tells the
camera that she was “picturing him with his clothes off”. (MATT: How is that different than all the other people she meets in her daily life?)
John & Nicole’s House
has invited her brother and her Mom to their house for the first time.
She mentions the movie and that Cena has a sex scene. Brie and her Mom
and slightly outraged — while Nikki’s brother simply asked, “Didn’t you
do a story where you and Brie were making out with Daniel Bryan?” Nikki
confirms that this happened but says that “kissing is different”. (MATT: Oh, I can’t wait to hear the hypocritical bullshit that’s about to fly from her mouth here.) She says that kissing is different because you “don’t use tongue and stuff”. (MATT: OH…COME…ON.) Her
family talks her off the ledge and Nikki can’t believe it. She says
that Cena should have talked about with her. Brie agrees. Then they talk
about the time they asked their Dad to take them to see “Booty Call”.
Then they laugh. (MATT: For what reason? How does this wrap anything up?)
and TJ are seeing a marriage counselor. She says she knows their
marriage can improve which is why they’re there. Nattie tells the
counselor that they’re not on the same page and that they see each other
once a week. TJ says that she’s too focused on work when she comes
home. The counselor asks how he feels about things. He says some of it
sucks and some of it doesn’t. He says he sees more positives in not
going on the road all the time.. Nattie says that this will create more
space. She says that TJ is one of the best wrestlers in the world. She
says she feels emptiness and she feels alone. TJ is forced to admit
WWE NXT Gym
Nattie talks with Ryan
Katz, WWE Producer, about developing a new character for TJ. She admits
on camera she wants to get in his body and do his work for hm because he
isn’t doing what she wants.
HOUSTON, TX for Monday Night RAW
introduces Gary to Summer and Nattie. It turns out Summer has met him
before. Nattie nearly gets into it with Summer and excuses herself and
Rosa gets called away for an interview. Summer continues talking to Gary
and flirts with him. summer tells how she used to play football for the
Legends Football League. (MATT: An oddly named league considering it’s little more than a T&A fest with no “legends” to speak of.) She
talks about how intense the league was and tells the camera that she
likes Gary because he’s attractive and they have so much in common. (MATT:
Can’t wait to use that excuse: “Well, she was hot and we both are from
San Jose and we both use Tablets to get our writing done!”) Summer tells him that they should go find Rosa.
Meat & Potatoes (Restaurant)
is out for a “girl’s night”, sans Brie. Nattie, Eva and Cameron all
come along. She says she’s there to just have fun, relax, and not think
about Cena’s sex scene. She asks what the girls think of the situation
with John. (MATT: If you’re trying to “forget about it”, why the fuck are you bringing it up?!) None of the girls like the idea — especially Nattie who acts like Cena’s cheating on her. (MATT: I’m so tired of Nattie. Seriously.) Nikki has a smirk on her face, knowing she’s in good company. (MATT: Yeah, reveling in creating a mob mentality.) Nattie
tells Nikki that she often gets into character — and that means
physically as well. Nikki says she needs a whole bottle of wine while
Nattie wonders if Cena will get an erection during filming. Nikki
doesn’t look happy. Nattie tells her that she needs to put her foot
down. (MATT: WWE Divas: giving women a bad reputation one episode at a time.)
WWE Performance Center (Gym)
meets Summer and laughs at a guy making intense grunting noises while
lifting weights. Rosa says that Paige told her that Rosa makes sex
noises when she lifts. Rosa says she had no idea she did that because
she was wearing earphones. Rosa says she can now understand why she gets
stared at in the gym. (MATT: She is like a living, breathing Mariah Carey poster. Nothing but ego and self-flattery.) She
tells Summer that she sent Gary a text and he took an hour to reply.
Summer says that isn’t bad. Rosa says “He’s talking to Rosa Mendes.
That’s bad.” (MATT: Fucking hell. Cut away to anything! PLEASE!) Therefore,
she says, he’s playing hard to get. Really? What if, during that hour,
he fell asleep? Had to be driving? Had an emergency? That’s hardly
enough to decide someone is playing hard to get. Rosa says that he
better look at her with hungry eyes on the date. (MATT: On a second date?!) Rosa needs him to fall in love with her. Summer says Rosa is like a woman on Oprah who has a full wedding book but no groom.
is still upset about John’s sex scene. Nikki says that he doesn’t
deserve her constantly getting in his face about it. She says that she
wants to be cool with it and wishes she could shut off the way she
feels. (MATT: I kid you not, here are the things she wishes she could
say: “Hey, stomach! Don’t get in knots! Hey! Don’t be upset!” And my
favorite: “Hey, blood! Why are you boiling right now?” That last one
sounds like a gang member asking another gang member what he’s
cooking.) Brie says that John is the first good guy she has dated.
Nikki says he’s been burned in weird ways: their father left with
another woman when they were young. Eva Marie says he’s been trustworthy
and that she needs to trust Cena. Nikki says that she’s taking out her
past frustrations on him. Nattie tries to make it all better by telling
Nikki the girl won’t brush her teeth before she kisses him.
Nattie & TJ’s House
Natalya and TJ went to therapy. They had one visit and they did well, making a lot of progress So she moved back in. (MATT: One visit?!) TJ
comes in and says he doesn’t want to go back. TJ says they would be
like hamsters in a wheel on the couch. Nattie tells the camera, “You
can’t make progress in one visit!” (MATT: WHAT?! She moved back in after one visit citing good progress! FUUUUUUUUCK!!!) She
starts crying and he mocks her for it. He says that everythng is fine.
He tells Nattie that her issues are her own. He’s not going back.
is meeting Gary Barnidge for her second date she tells him they spent
hours in a gym. At lunch, she finds he isn’t drinking and, when
questioned, tells him she was in rehab. She hasn’t been in a
relationship in a year because she was “paranoid of guys” (MATT: Run, Gary. NOW.) She says that wants to be with her soul mate and doesn’t want to have fun, then says she needs “a lot of attention”. (MATT: NOW, GARY. GO!) She
says she will wait until she’s in love to be intimate. He tells her she
has too many guidelines to have one guy meet them and, when the
waitress comes over a moment later to see if they need anything else,
just asks for the check. My guess is their relationship, what little it
was, is over. (MATT: I dunno…I can see a future there…)
NEW YORK, NY
WWE Mommy Blog Event
does the event, taking photos with kids and signing autographs, then
bumps into Darren Young. She tells him that she’s gonna go have dinner
later and that he should come.
says she is having a night out on the town with Darren Young, takes a
selfie with him and then says that it’s nice to have somebody to vent
to. When they get to the restaurant, the Paparazzi is there. She shows
off Darren — but the guy with the camera asks where TJ is. Nattie says
TJ is good and that they’re “not divorced yet”. Darren looks a little
awkward. Nattie asks Darren how he felt about that. Apparently, she told
the guy “don’t tell TJ” by complete accident. The cameraman’s reply
was, “I don’t wanna get my ass kicked!” Darren doesn’t look at all comfy
is out with John for lunch. He says it was a great experience filming
his movie and Nikki says that she is proud of him for getting the job
and opens up about having been cheated on and how things were with her
Dad leaving. He counters and apologizes, telling her that she has every
right to feel that way and says he should have told her about the scene
sooner. She tells the camera this make them stronger they are taking the
next step in their relationship. (MATT: #NIKKIWINSLOL)
she is primping while driving and then goes to a restaurant — to meet up with Gary. That was quick. (MATT: The editing was so slick here. It’s obvious that this was manufactured.)
Nattie & TJ’s House
Nattie stayed an extra day in New York to have some “Nattie time”. (MATT: She’s always taking time off to be by herself. Am I insane here?)
TJ tells her that she should have told him. He’s pissed off about
telling the Paparazzi about their divorce. TJ says he’s hurt because she
never mentioned anything like that to him. He asks if she wants a
divorce. She says she doesn’t know what he wants anymore. She goes into
the bedroom and doesn’t come out.
This week’s hug goes to: Brie. Though she had barely any screen time, she got to stand toe to toe with Steph. That’s awesome.
This week’s punch goes to: TJ & Summer Rae (tie)
Really, TJ? You thought one session of marriage counseling was all you
needed to fix years of problems? Summer Rae – going after a coworker’s
intended b/f is low, even for a reality show peep.
This week’s hug goes to: John Cena. I’m
sorry. I don’t buy any of this storyline. I refuse to believe that
Nikki can flaunt her body, admit that she doesn’t wear underwear, act
more superficial than a Kardashian, make out with Daniel Bryan, pretend
she’s someone else…and then turn around and be jealous when Cena’s got
a sex scene in a movie. Cena, from what I’ve heard, has been around the
block, so this story is setting off my bullshit detector, big-time.
Most annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki/Nattie/Rosa (tie) I
hate ties. But, holy shit. Nattie’s a fucking headcase. One moment,
she’s horny as fuck, the next she’s a prude. She chastises women for
what they wear and wears stuff that shows off her obviously fake boobs.
She says they made huge progress with a counseling sessions — then,
turns around and says no progress was made. PICK. A FUCKING. LANE. Nikki
is phony. I don’t like watching her. I hate hearing her talk. I hate
everything she does on this show. The phony “OMG CENA IN A SEX SCENE”
crocodile tears act made my stomach turn. This whole show has that
effect, but this took the cake. Finally, Rosa…what is she looking for
in a guy? Rich, well-hung, somebody who can spend money on her and take
care of her. Ugh. How are any of these girls appealing?
Er, that’s it…