Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 15 – “Girl vs Girl Bye”

In our last episode…

  • Eva Marie was selected for her second Muscle & Fitness Hers
    cover because, apparently, they don’t realize there are other Divas who
    are not only in shape, they actually wrestle, too. She freaks out
    about her weight, and barely eats and works out too much until Cameron
    becomes concerned. She and Eva’s husband, Jon, team up with an artist to
    show her that though she sees herself as fat, she’s in the 1% of people
    in terms of fitness.
  • Paige, Alicia and Rosa hang out and declare they are the “Three
    Amigas” when, in reality, they are really “The Divas Nobody Cares About
    or Will Hang Out With”. Paige acts like her flirty self and Rosa kisses
    her. When Paige says she’s not interested, Rosa goes out of her way to
    avoid her, enlisting Alisha to attempt to fix their friendship.
  • Brie, having a delayed reaction to her home being the target of an
    attempted robbery, hires contractors to put in barbed wire that her
    husband, Daniel, didn’t want. He convinces her that they can form a
    neighborhood watch and she decides that might make her feel safe enough
    to not need to move.

Who will Rosa stalk next? Will Nattie be miserable?
Who is DABOMBDOTCOM? How much boob will we see? What the hell’s wrong
with Eva THIS week? Matt and I crawl through the muck that is Total
Divas…

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki’s House
Nikki
is ready to work out so, naturally, John Cena (who, at this point, I’m
convinced owns more costumes than a Hollywood wardrobe shop) walks
outside to join her, dressed in a wrestling singlet with a Luchadore
mask for some reason. Nikki’s somehow turned on by this (MATT: Some where, Sin Cara is grinning.)
and tells the camera that when her man comes out in spandex, she wants
to do “cardio inside”, so she decides to have sex with John rather than
work out. She goes Fifty Shades and tells him to put the mask back on as
they go inside. (MATT: She took THAT “seriously”, didn’t she?)

TITLES.

DALLAS, TX for Hell in a Cell


Ringside – Nikki vs. Brie
Nikki and Brie have a match
against each other as — at this point — WWE had to blow off their feud
after they made up, by inertia, on Total Divas. Brie tells the camera
the person she’s always wanted a match against was Nikki. The crowd does
the “Yes” chant to cheer on Brie. (MATT: Which I still don’t
understand. Bryan’s a face. Brie’s a…heel? I guess? It’s not clear.
So, it’s weird to see Brie doing a YES chant when Nikki and Brie aren’t
faces.)
Brie uses the Yes lock on Nikki but Nikki breaks free. Nikki wins and the crowd boos her.

AUSTIN, TX for WWE Superstars

Backstage
The Three Amigas are still friends this week and hang out backstage. (MATT: Oh, thank god.) Rosa points out how dry her lips are. Paige jokes it looks like she has herpes. (MATT: And Rosa storms off, saying she no longer wants to hang out while Fox pouts with concern.) Rosa says she doesn’t have herpes. Paige goes into protective “whoa, dude” mode and says she was just joking about the Herpes. (MATT: Because dry lips totally look like Herpes.)

Ringside – Tyson vs. Sin Cara
Nattie is now Tyson’s valet and tells the camera it’s awkward for her because of their (MATT: totally fake)
separation. A bunch of fans chant “NATTIE’S HUSBAND” during that match,
which really sums up his ring persona quite well. Tyson wins against
Sin Cara, which also does his credibility no favors. It’s like our cat,
Inky, defeating a leaf that wandered in from the patio. Nattie tells the
camera that “the struggle between them is real” (MATT: As real as her breasts.) and no one over 5 years old watching this show is fooled.

Backstage
Nattie
goes to TJ and calls him out in a whiny voice. She tells the camera she
has waited her whole career to work with him and now that it’s a
reality, it really sucks. He admonishes her, telling her that, when they
go through the curtain to the ring, they are working. This is surreal:
WWE and Total Divas are supposed to line up. Total Divas would have us
believe that TJ and Nattie are on the cusp of a total split while WWE
Creative thinks that they’re the Macho Man and Elizabeth. Every other
Diva’s storyline reflects Total Divas. (MATT: Nothing makes sense anymore in WWE. This Monday’s edition of RAW was a major indicator of that.) 

“The Three Amigas” goof off backstage by pushing each other around on a service cart, down the hall. (MATT: Total disregard of OSHA regulations is SO FUNNY!) They see Cameron and Alicia is reluctant to be nice to her as they have “a history”. (MATT: They do?!)
Alicia storms out even using Cameron’s oh-so-clever “Girl, Bye” line.
She tells Rosa and Paige that she is trying to be cool with everyone but
Alicia won’t have any of it. Rosa invites her on a “girl’s trip”, (MATT: Another one?!)
which is comprised of Rosa and — surprise!!! Alicia Fox. Paige can’t
go because she’ll be with WWE’s Worldwide Tour in Malaysia. (MATT: Rosa, pro-tip here – if it’s you and another girl, you might as well give up and stay in town to take in a movie.) Cameron likes this idea. (MATT: Which, considering the most recent stand-off between Fox and Cameron, makes NO sense whatsoever in any fucking dimension you happen to inhabit.) She says that her and Fox can bond personally and, as they are both heels, they could join forces in the ring.

Elsewhere,
Dolph Ziggler flirts with Nattie as she’s hanging out with Naomi. He
says he wants Nattie to text him. She says she will “once she’s on the
market”. She tells Naomi that her dad is sick, her relationship is a
mess, and all she has now is work. To make matters worse, she has to
fumigate her house and stay in a hotel. Naomi offers to let her stay with them, (MATT: Like last time when that ended well.) and Nattie agrees but she needs Naomi to pick her up as our Calamity Jane has transmission problems on her car. (MATT: What is she, Job all of the sudden?!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Luci’s Healthy Marketplace
Brie drags Nikki in to get coffee and grocery shop. Nikki finds a horse mask (MATT: Totally not just placed there by the prop department because those are readily available at organic grocery stores all over the country.)
and forces Brie to put it on for a photo. Then Nikki proceeds to call
Brie an “idiot” for being subservient and doing what she says. (MATT: Creative’s shitty Bella storyline’s leaking into other programming…ugh.) Anyhow,
we go from horse heads to making good on contractually mentioning
vaginas at least once an episode by browsing for organic tampons, which
Nikki claims “naturally works with your body”. (MATT: Are the tampons debating legislation inside her womb? What does that even  mean?) Nikki also points out “vegan-certified condoms”. (MATT: Which totally sounds like something Nikki would use since she’s Vegan.)
Brie mentions she doesn’t use condoms as she’s married, Nikki,
apparently only knowing one form of birth control that exists, tells her
that if she doesn’t use condoms, she’ll have babies. Brie admits she
isn’t on any birth control as that’s putting chemicals in her body.
Instead, she has Bryan use the pull out method which Brie dubs, “The Old
Fashioned Way”. (MATT: Right now, Luci’s Market’s like, “The publicity’s worth it, the publicity’s worth it, the publicity’s worth it…”)
(DANIELLE’S NOTE: I was in college when I heard the joke, what do you
call people who only use the method for birth control? Parents.) Nikki
tells her that she needs to think about their career, which makes no
sense since Brie as a valet is about the same as Brie in the ring,
wrestling. (MATT: Nikki actually meant “MY” career.) Brie says it’s her life and she doesn’t wake up in the morning and think of Nikki and “their career”.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Beach Bunny (Boutique)
Alicia and Rose try on bathing suits for their trip and then pretend in front of the store clerks that they’re gonna walk right out the door with their bikinis on. (MATT: Man, they make Emma look like Ethan Hunt.) The store clerks don’t give a shit and they just laaaaaugh…

(MATT: “Petty larceny is hilarious!!!”)

We
get lots of jiggling and then the girls take off in Alicia’s car.
Alicia is still bummed that Cameron is going on the trip. Alicia says
people are different at work than in real life and implies they will get
along great. Rosa assures her that nothing will happen. Alicia wants a
“pinky swear” on that.

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki’s House
Nikki
is opening champagne and her and John toast getting the last rays of
the day as well as her successful merchandise meeting to build up “The
Bella Brand”. John is impressed that she is meeting with all the right
merch people. Apparently, they are the first Divas to get that much —
then she calls herself the “female John Cena” on camera as they now have
lots of merch like he does. (MATT: To be fair, they both have huge chests.)
Nikki brings up that she is worried that Brie isn’t using birth control
except for Bryan pulling out. John thinks it’s their business as they
are married. Nikki continues, however, to argue her side. (MATT:
Which causes Cena to slightly roll his eyes and emit a frustrated
sigh/grunt as the writers force him to pull Nikki from the Idiot Ledge
again.)
“I can’t stop thinking about Brie’s sex life,” she tells the
camera. Nikki, didn’t you have a fit when Brie was interfering in your
personal life? John starts with the logic train and tells her that it’s
out of Nikki’s hands, prompting Nikki to tell the camera, “That is NOT
the answer I was looking for!” Nikki’s pissed and wonders how Brie is
going to have a child and what she might do with it after they have it. (MATT: Yeah, Brie. Nobody’s ever had kids in WWE before. This is foreign territory.) She says that having a baby is not good for business. (MATT: And, Triple H is on the phone, seeing if he can sue for breach of trademark on his key phrase.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
Cameron
arrives for the “girl’s weekend” which, inexplicably, means her
boyfriend, Vincent, is there as well. Alicia, expecting this to be a
girl’s trip exclusively for girls, is not happy with this. She tells the
camera Cameron can’t do anything without her boyfriend, stating, “We
already have a 3rd wheel. We don’t need 18 more.” (MATT: She’s ruined
the same metaphor twice in one show and now she’s adding wheels to the
ruined metaphor so that it makes even less sense.)
Cameron is wearing a black leather dress with studded collar which Rosa just loves. (MATT: I didn’t see that coming, did you?) Then
Cameron twerks. Then Rosa tries to imitate Cameron twerking and this is
so disturbing, it makes Vincent look physically ill.

(PICTURED: The effect Rosa has on just about every single man on the planet.)

Playhouse Nightclub
Rosa
tells the camera she is excited as they are going to dance the night
away. Cameron is excited to be working with Alicia and thinks this trip
will help them not want to kill each other at work.

(MATT: And then, they danced as Vincent
pondered his very existence in the corner.)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie’s House
John
complains about being Naomi and Nattie’s “chauffeur” as they roll up in
front of Nattie’s place. Because we need to be reminded that Nattie’s
still human and not a crazy lizard person/cat lady, we get a really
goofy segment where Nattie’s neighbor shows up to tell Nattie how
“sorry” she is about her and TJ.

(WRITERS: “Betty White wouldn’t return our calls after her guest spot on RAW.”)

Nattie,
who’s only supposed to be staying with the Uso couple for a “few days”,
has enough packed bags for a few weeks — then realizes she left
something in the house. So, naturally, Nattie decides to go in and get
it. Despite the house being sealed up with signs reading “FUMIGATION”
and “CAUTION: DEADLY POISON”. (MATT: It’s cool. Those chemicals actually keep Nattie sane.) Nattie
puts a blanket over her head to go get her cats’ bowls. Naomi tells the
camera she hopes Nattie makes it out as they are not going in to get
her. (MATT: Nice to know that’s on tape for the eventual inquiry into Nattie’s death.)
Nattie reappears, sans blanket, but with the bowl and states that “she
held her breath” the entire time. Couldn’t she have gone to a store and
bought another bowl? (MATT: It’s Nattie. If she needed milk and she
locked herself out of her house, she would have broken into a neighbor’s
house to get it, then asked Naomi and Jimmy to cover up the robbery.)

TJ has one of their cats, as it turns out. That cat couldn’t handle new
surroundings. Nattie yacks about how awful her life is. Her separation
is hell and she makes reference to her father, Jim Neidhart, undergoing
some medical crisis. The cats are shedding in the car it gets in John’s
eye and on the straw to his drink. The hair gets in Naomi’s mouth as
Naomi and Jimmy claim that they’re happy to help.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s House
Brie
is helping Daniel in the garden and says that Josie (their dog) likes
to pee in their garden. Brie somehow glides right into the fact that
Nikki wants them to use condoms. Daniel brings up the “we’re married”
argument. She reminds Daniel that she had been on the pill before, but
it made her moody and gain weight, and then she says it also gave her
“bigger boobs”. Bryan doesn’t remember that part. (MATT: Just go with it, Bryan. It’s nonsense. Like “The Bella Brand”.)
Brie says that Nikki’s worried about their careers. Bryan reminds her
that they’ve been split up several times and their careers were just
fine. They decide that if Nikki needs Brie for her to make money, that
Brie must be the breadwinner in the twins’ relationship. Brie suggests
that they should have a baby. Bryan says he could start having babies
“in 10 minutes”.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
The girls fight over who will drive. (MATT: For some reason.) Cameron says it’s “her city”, so she should drive. (MATT: “Her city”? What is she, Batman?) However, the car is in Alicia’s name so she wins. Rosa illogically sits in back so the girls can fight. Cameron acts obnoxious on purpose so Alicia drives bad on purpose, though they don’t crash. (MATT: Is this fake feud worth the lives of others?)

Runyon Canyon Park
The view makes Cameron mention how happy going to NXT made her because she “perfected herself”. (MATT: And it shows, what with all that ring time she’s been getting.)
Alicia says that makes her happy as she needed it. Alicia says she’s
surprised Cameron was willing to do hard work. Cameron reminds the
camera that her goal is to be friends with Alicia so she can use her
professionally. (MATT: Aren’t these girls supposed to be jogging?) Cameron
says Fox is a “grandma” who had to spend 2 years in developmental while
she only needed to go back for 3 months. Fox tells her that her time
there really shows now.

PHOENIX, AZ

Clever Koi (Restaurant)
Nikki
is having dinner with Brie and Daniel. Nikki takes a reeeeeeally long
time, hugging Bryan from behind while Bryan looks visibly annoyed. Brie
says Nikki smashed her boobs into her husband’s head. Bryan: “Don’t
worry. They just felt like two hard rocks.” Nikki’s insulted and says,
“They’re just silicone.” Nikki tells the camera she will put an end to
them only using the “pull-out method” and she “will not take no for an
answer”. (MATT: DIDN’T WE JUST HAVE NIKKI PISSED OFF AT BRIE THREE EPISODES AGO FOR DOING THIS VERY THING?!)
Brie says her husband will be a great stay-at-home Dad. Brie says that
now that she is married, she likes coming home and being normal. Nikki
chides the couple for their birth control choice and says that they can
accidentally get pregnant. Brie finally calls out Nikki on camera,
saying Nikki is a hypocrite who got mad when she got in her personal
life and now she is doing the same thing. They remind Nikki that she
even wants marriage and kids. Brie says having a family would be the
best thing she ever did. She says the bit with Stephanie was already her
career-high. Nikki says this affects THEDEMONVIPERVIGILANTEBELLABRAND™.
Nikki says it’s time to start thinking about her and not about what they
want. Brie tells her if they want to start trying that night, they
will. Daniel calls her out for only thinking of money. Brie says Nikki
will never be a mother, thus she doesn’t want Brie to be one either, and
Nikki says that is hitting below the belt. Brie says it’s “disgusting”
that she’d bring up that kind of stuff in public. (MATT: Yeah, a public restaurant is for tasteful conversation about things like seal slit and using tablecloths as tampons.) Both
Brie and Nikki both claim to have lost their appetite. Bryan isn’t even
interested in faking this shit and starts eating from Brie’s plate.

TAMPA, FL

John and Naomi’s House
Nattie
is cleaning up a mess the cat left on the kitchen floor. Jon asks if
Nattie has seen their wedding pics as that’s just what you do with
someone who is going through marital strife. (MATT: Didn’t they get married like a YEAR ago?)
They ask Nattie how she and TJ are doing. Nattie admits to looking back
at their past. Nattie says their photos remind her a lot of what she
and TJ had. They encourage her to cry about her marriage. (MATT: She’s always
crying. If only California could find a way to redirect her tear ducts
into their water supply, we’d end the drought in a week.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Hotel Roosevelt
The
girls are poolside and admire a woman’s flesh colored bikini top with
fake nipples on it, which the woman dubs, “The Tata Top”. (MATT: And WWE censors the not-really-bewbz.)

(MATT: Susan G. Komen would be so proud right now.)

The
girls randomly talk about who they resemble. Rosa says she has been
mistaken for Sofia Vergara. They ask some random passerby who Cameron
looks like. The woman somehow comes up with Halle Berry. (MATT: “Here’s your $20 bucks, lady. The episode will air three months from now. Thanks for being on the show.”)
Alicia says that Cameron looks like a “bootleg Nikki Manaj”. Cameron
retaliates, telling Alicia that she looks like a “stank version of
Rhianna”. Fox invokes the “Third Wheel” metaphor again. After some more arguing, Cameron walks off so they can have their girls’ time alone.

Rosa
follows Cameron to try to smooth things over, saying she thinks that
Alicia is trying to be funny. Cameron agrees to sit down with Alicia,
one on one. Both girls admit they think the other started out as mean.
Cameron is surprised to hear that Alicia feels like Cameron was there to
replace her. Cameron says, on camera, that there is room for everyone
in WWE. Alicia tells the camera that there are specific roles in WWE,
which is much more true than Cameron’s version of it, and that she let
her insecurity make her think Cameron was brought up to take her role,
in particular. The girls agree they can be friends. (MATT: Hooray! The Three Amigas are solid once aga–wait. Where’s Paige?)

TAMPA, FL

John and Naomi’s House
Nattie
comes home to a lit candle as the cat took a dump on the floor again
and complains that the cat made forts out of blankets and shed all over
them. John couldn’t handle it, so he left. (MATT: Did he knock something over before he bolted?) Nattie
hits the Guilt Trip Button and offers to leave with all her stuff and
starts to pack up. Nattie tells her not to go and to focus on the
positive things in her life. Naomi reveals she cleaned out the cat box
with her bare hands as Nattie forgot a scooper. Nattie asks for a spoon
to clean it out for the time being and is surprised when Naomi hates the
idea. (MATT: Time to get Nattie back to her place so she can huff more fumes.)

MEMPHIS, TN for WWE Superstars

Backstage
Rosa
and Cameron sit down to talk to Paige. Rosa points out if she kissed
Cameron, it wouldn’t mess up their lips as they have the same color on.
Cameron is not even remotely pleased by this.

(MATT: “Rosa Achievement Unlocked – Offend both genders in one episode”)

And Paige is like…

(MATT: “Welcome to my private hell, sweetie.”)

Paige says she could hug Cameron and it woudn’t feel different as they are “both wearing fur”. (MATT: And the Three Amigas are friends once aga–wait. Where’s Alicia?)

Ringside – Alicia vs. Naomi
They fight, but it’s so boring, we don’t even see how it turned out.

Backstage
Cameron
and Paige watch the match, Rosa spends more time looking at her phone.
Cameron is happy she is getting along with Alicia as it’s best for
business if they get along.

Meanwhile, Nikki has a
meeting with Mark Carrano, Senior Director, Talent Relations and Joe
Hickey, Manager, Talent Merchandise to see how their merch would do if
it’s only her. (MATT: Already? It’s not like Brie’s dropping a kid tomorrow.)
Mark is relieved to hear the pregnancy question is a hypothetical. He
says the Bella Twins “brand” is stronger than Fearless Nikki or Brie
Mode. Then, for some silly reason, Mark, who has already stated what
everyone would already understands asks Joe what he thinks. Joe says
Bella Twins is strong but they could brand Fearless Nikki well. In a bit
of (WWE spoilers ahead) a foreshadowing, Nikki states she may be
winning the Divas Championship soon, so that might help. Nikki is happy
her brand can be kept strong, but Mark wants Brie to come see him
immediately about her baby fever. (MATT: “You better start thinking of Mark Carrano Brand and stop pulling out!”)

HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle
This week’s hug goes to…Brie: The
choice of if and when to be a parent is a personal decision that
shouldn’t be decided by one’s co-workers. Sure, Nikki is also her
sister, but she’s treating this like business is the only thing that
matters. She’s jealous and needs to realize her sister and her husband
need to do what’s best for them. When Brie quit WWE, I thought it was a
real-life decision, covered up by kayfabe and, maybe, that’s when they
should have tried for a family. Regardless, these two are down to earth
and would probably be great parents, I hope when the time for them to
start their family arrives they are quickly blessed with a pregnancy.

This weeks punch goes to… Nikki: Bullying,
bargaining, scheming. These are not ways to get what you want.
Especially when what you wants means if you get what you want, someone
else loses something they really want. She got all mad when Brie
interfered in her personal life and she doesn’t even see the hypocrisy
of her actions.


Matt
This week’s hug goes to…Naomi: Holy shit, it was nice to see her on the show. She may be the only sane person on the program.

Most Annoying Cast Member of Week is…Nikki: When she’s mean, she’s mean. When she’s determined, she’s mean. When she’s nice, she’s mean.
I can’t stand her and I really can’t stand Brie, either. Both women are
arrogant and need to be taken down a peg — but Nikki continues to
appear here, outshining her sister once again.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 14 – “Insecurity Breach”

In our last epsiode…

  • Paige annoyed Natalya by using sexuality in their matches together.
    Nattie (probably getting more action in ring than out of it the way her
    marriage is going) asked Paige to stop and, to no one’s surprise, she
    didn’t. Nattie claimed she would harass Paige back, but I’m sure this
    storyline will dead end because reasons.
  • Nikki was convinced that she was a better athlete than John Cena, so
    she challenged him to a decathlon of events to be picked by a friend of
    his that  The events included miniature golf, Skee Ball and Beer Pong
    — with Cena dressing in outfits that matched each one as he’s rich. He
    beat Nikki at them, which annoyed her. Somehow, he got her to apologize
    for taking the games too seriously.
  • Eva Marie found out the silicone breast implants she had were
    leaking. She tried to put off having them removed as her career was on
    an upswing and taking time off would work against her. Her husband
    called her boss which left Eva Marie was furious, then ended up
    apologizing to him after she had the surgery.
Let’s see what crazy hijinks we can get into this week…
LOS ANGELES, CA
Jon and Eva Marie’s Apartment
The
twins visit Eva Marie who is recovering from her surgery (seen last
week). Nikki asks how “the girls” are going while motioning to her own
implants. Eva decides to show them by pulling her shirt down so they can
see how swollen they are. Nikki and Brie both feel them.

(MATT: Slow down! I haven’t even opened up the fucking
wine yet so we can properly enjoy this episode!)

Nikki’s
amazed at how “warm” they are to try to get her twin to want to get
hers done so they match. Jon arrives with appetizers and, instead of
enjoying the free show and  shatters his “window of opportunity”,
telling Nikki and Brie not to touch his wife’s boobs. Out of nowhere,
Brie calls Nikki out for not wearing underwear and says they have to let
Eva know so she can wash the couch when they leave. Jon sprays the
couch with some cleaner after Nikki gets up. Nikki’s humorously offended
and says she doesn’t leave “snail trails.” (MATT: I can smell this scene…and I think I want to throw up…) Brie says she can’t sit anymore there and pulls her sister down on her lap. Nikki humps at her. (MATT: What the actual fuck did I just watch?!)

TITLES.
WICHITA, KSOld Town Wichita
The
Bella Twins walk through the brick-covered streets of Wichita,
comparing it to “New York”. Nikki says it’s “fun” to imagine being “born
in the 20’s”. Brie gets real deep, arbitrarily speculating that “the
man who invents the time machine will be, like, the wealthiest man on
the planet.” (MATT: Thankfully, they stop there because Brie’s head
would have exploded like Scanners had she continued that line of
thought.)

The Brickyard (Restaurant)

The
twins, Nattie, Cameron (and surprise cameo, Naomi) are meeting for
brunch. Nattie, for some reason, asks what happens to the people who
robbed Brie and Daniel Bryan’s house recently. Brie says one went to
jail and two others are “trying to get parole”. We get a quick retro
montage of news reports on the event, including the bit about Daniel
Bryan putting one of the burglars in a “rear naked chokehold” so he
couldn’t escape. Brie says the cops told them they should get a gun and
admits they still don’t have a burglar alarm. They do have Josie, but
she’s probably as worthless as a watchdog as Cameron is in the ring. (MATT: Oh, you…) Nattie says the burglars might want to come back for revenge. (MATT: And you can see the second robbery attempt for only $9.99.) Brie
says she doesn’t wanna talk about it. Nikki tells the camera that her
sister is naive and that if it were her, she’d have the best security
system ever. (MATT: If the burglars can get past the guards manning the gate to Cena’s property, that is.)
LOS ANGELES, CA Jon’s Car

Tara
Carrano, WWE VP of Communications, calls Eva to let her know that
Muscle and Fitness Hers wants her to do another photo shoot. She reminds
us that she is the first Diva to get a cover. (MATT: Despite the fact that she’s does nothing at all, ever in WWE.)
In our new weekly segment, “What the Fuck’s Wrong With Eva Marie This
Week?”, Eva states that she’s nervous as she hasn’t worked out since her
surgery and has a very short time to bust her ass in order to look
good. (MATT: Yeah, she’ll need to shed that whole pound she picked up.)
TAMPA, FL The Poppy Boutique

Rosa
is shopping with Paige. Paige tries on a headband and Rosa mocks her by
saying she looks like Brie. Rosa says she needs to get more Botox, but
Paige says she already looks beautiful. Paige tells the camera that Rosa
has confidence issues. (MATT: Which is why she has no problem hitting on anything that moves.)
The girls try on clothes. Rosa tells the camera that Paige really turns
her on. Rosa says she wants more plastic surgery and Paige tells her
she doesn’t need it. (MATT: It’s a trick, Paige. Get an axe.)
LOS ANGELES, CA Gym

Eva
Marie is working out with Cameron. Eva loses her footing while on the
treadmill and Cameron asks if she is OK. Cameron tells the camera that
she gets why Eva’s doing this but that she’s hitting the workout too
hard. After an intense workout, she goes back for more.
PHOENIX, AZ Brie and Daniel’s House

Daniel is setting up the alarm system he got for their house. He informs Brie that the system is now working and fully alarmed (MATT: And frankly, concerned. Thank you. I’m here for the rest of the show.) and their sliding glass door is now bulletproof. Brie says she likes the alarm but hates that she needs it. (MATT: Didn’t this happen months ago?)
She also might think about getting a gun. Daniel says it won’t stop
people from approaching the house. Didn’t we just see this same story
with Eva and Jon?
TAMPA, FL Alicia’s Fox’s House

Alicia
and her sister and are there when Rosa and Paige arrive. Rosa and Paige
sit on an old leather sofa, writhing and moaning, while Paige says the
couch is “so sexual”. Alicia and her sister chuckle uncontrollably from
across the table. (MATT: Did I miss a scene where everyone popped Ex like Tic Tacs? I don’t get this at all.) Rosa asks to see Alicia’s closet Paige informs the camera that the three of them are the “Three Amigas”. (MATT: All of the sudden.) Rosa tells Alicia that they need to go out tonight so that Rosa can find a “pretty boy or pretty girl”. (MATT: No confidence whatsoever.) Alicia’s
sister looks a bit weirded out by Rosa’s preferences and tells Rosa
that she has not been with a girl. Paige confesses that she has. Paige
leaves the house to work out and Rosa tells the remaining girls that
knowing that Paige has been with a girl, her feelings for her have
“evolved”. (MATT: “Evolved”? They’ve been together all of two minutes.) Alicia’s sister says she is coming on too strong and Alicia agrees, saying that Rosa is misreading Paige’s feelings.
WWE LIVE EVENT
Backstage
Eva
is freaking out that she won’t be ready for the shoot. She tells Nattie
and Rosa that she has been skipping meals. Eva complains that she
thinks she looks fat in a promo photo plastered on one of the WWE buses.
Cameron is disgusted with Eva as she thinks she looks great. Cameron
says that WWE Divas are “role models” who “empower women” (*MATT SPITS WINE OUT OF MOUTH*) and that Eva wouldn’t even be a part of WWE if she wasn’t “The Bomb Dot Com”. (MATT: There has to be some sort of monetary sum that will make Cameron stop saying that phrase.) Titus O’Neil shows up randomly. (MATT: Kinda like he does on WWE programming. Hi-yooooo!) Cameron asks Titus to rank himself from 1 to 10 on the “Bomb Dot Com Scale”. (MATT: NOBODY can deny the science behind the results of this scale.) Naturally, Titus says he’s a “10”. Cameron asks him to rank Eva and he gives her a “10” as well, adding “you fine”. (MATT: Dr. O’Neill has spoken. Time for the peer review.) He tells Cameron she is an “8.5” due to “her attitude”. Cameron takes this seriously (MATT: Yes, but seriously as one takes Goofy Golf? I doubt that.) and keeps arguing with him and he keeps dropping the number while Cameron keeps shrieking “EWWWW!” in response.
SAN ANTONIO, TX Olympic Gym

Brie, Cameron, and Nattie (MATT: The Three Amigas!)
are working out with Vince McMahon’s personal trainer. He has them do
jumping jacks, push-ups, leg lifts. Brie says she has to step up her
safety game. The personal trainer reveals he worked in security for 23
years and recommends dogs, barbed wires, and, basically, things that
make a house look like trouble.
TAMPA, FL
Mise En Place (Restaurant)
Alicia is having dinner with Rosa and Paige. Paige “dressed up” which for her means wearing black as usual and a bare midriff. (MATT: I swear Paige has a closet of 75 of the same outfit.)
Alicia asks Rosa if she wants a family some day. Rosa says yes. Alicia
asks if she sees herself ending up with a man or a woman. Rosa says she
likes females the most. Alicia tells the camera that she “feels like a
third wheel”. (MATT: That’s “a fifth wheel”. Look, if I have to watch
this shit, can I, at the very least, watch women who have some sort of
functioning brain inside their heads?)
Alicia says she loves hanging
out with Rosa and Paige as they flirt in front of her. Later, dinner
gets out of hand. Paige fakes a fall to the ground but gets up quickly
as Alicia LOUDLY announces to guests nearby that “Rosa ran by and hit
Paige with her tits.” The three decide to leave. (MATT: Or they were tossed out. The guests seated near them didn’t look happy.) Rosa’s cab arrives, Rosa asks the cab driver to wait for a moment, then gives Paige a really awkward and uncomfortable-looking kiss. (MATT: Oh brother, not only would seeing this not turn a single viewer on, it would give them fucking measles.)
Paige asks what that was for. Rosa said she was getting signals from
Paige, but Paige says that wasn’t true at all. She says that Rosa
deserves the man or woman of her dreams, but it’s not her. Rosa insists
that things like Paige texting her back right away and flirting with her
meant she was interested. Paige denies this and says that Rosa must not
have had a proper friendship before, thus her mistaking friendship for
love.
PHOENIX, AZ Airport – Daniel Bryan’s Car

Daniel
picks up Brie with Josie in the back. Brie asks how Josie was and
learns that she’s been pooping in the garden more. Unconcerned, (MATT: And because casual dialogue on this show is more fake than the manufactured storylines,)  Brie segues into the great workout she got with Vince’s trainer. She says they should put up a “bob wire”.

(MATT: “Bob” wire?! Can we just have this be the final episode please?)

Daniel
makes fun of her for the mispronunciation and can’t stop laughing,
despite Brie shouting at him to shut up and stop making fun of her. Brie
says, “That’s weird to say…’Barb’s wire’.” Again, Bryan corrects her
and tells her it’s “Barb Wire” because the wire has sharp, pointy barbs
on it. Brie tries to talk over his laughing and says they should get a
“motion sensor dog bark” if “that exists”. What, does Josie meow? Bryan
says he has an even better idea: a gate-activated crossbow that would
fire at anyone trying to enter. Brie says, on camera, that she LOVES
Bryan’s “crossbow idea” and that she wants to set the house up for war. (MATT: Once again…the sex better be out of this fucking galaxy…)

ORLANDO, FL WWE Performance Center

Rosa
and Paige work out in the ring and it is mentioned that they have not
heard from Rosa since their dinner together. Paige confesses Rosa kissed
her. Alicia said she warned Rosa not to do that. Alicia suggests that
Paige was sending mixed signals. (MATT: You mean “she was asking for it”?)
LOS ANGELES, CA Sky (Boutique) 

Cameron
and Eva are trying on clothes. Eva does not come out of the dressing
room. Cameron knocks on the door, concerned, then enters. (MATT: And is shot and killed by a motion-control crossbow.) Eva is sitting down and saying she got light headed. Eva says she hasn’t eaten since lunch the day before.
PHOENIX, AZ Brie and Daniel’s House

Brie has hired a contractor to put “bob” wire in (MATT: Yes. She says, “Bob” wire again.) and Daniel finds out about it only as he’s coming home and seeing it being installed. (MATT: Yeah, Daniel Bryan, who keeps track of every dime the two of them spend totally didn’t know about this.)
He says it makes their house looks like a prison. He says they should
do it to their neighbor’s homes without asking as well. He makes fun of
Brie’s “beware of dog” sign as well since Josie is a little ankle-biter.
ORLANDO, CA Paige’s Car

The girls miss Rosa and want her to join them for some fun. (MATT: They’re going for a walk near a lake. What kind of “fun” could they possibly have?)
Paige calls her and it goes right to voice mail. Alicia says if she
calls and Rosa answers, then it was all Paige’s fault. Rosa answers on
the second ring. This makes Paige mad.
Gator’s Dockside (Sports Bar)
Rosa
describes where she is, so the girls go to see her. Rosa is sitting
with four dudes who all look more than interested in Rosa. (MATT: Yeah, and she’s “giving signals” and “asking for it”.)
Paige is pissed when she discovers Rosa is drinking. Rosa denies this
and tells her that it’s a Diet Coke. Paige takes her away to talk to her
and says Rosa made things weird. Rosa said that Paige made it seem like
she liked her. Paige: “SINCE FUCKING WHEN???” Alicia tries to be a
peacekeeper.
LOS ANGELES, CA Cameron’s Car

Cameron
says she and Jon have a surprise for Eva Marie. Cameron has spoken to
Jon about Eva’s body issues. Eva feels threatened that they are in
cahoots together. She feels like she is in an intervention.
PHOENIX, AZ Brie and Daniel’s House

Brie is washing dishes and Daniel says she is washing dishes “like a good wife should”. (MATT: Later, they’ll have sex because Brie was “asking for it”.) Brie says she wants to leave the fence with the “bob wire” up. (MATT: I can just picture cameramen and producers, off-screen, whispering, “BARB wire…it’s BARB wire!”)
If they take it down, she wants to move. Daniel reminds her how much
work they spent on the place and that he shoveled dirt for 16 hours just
to put in the fencing. He says they can start a neighborhood watch if
that will make her feel safe. She says she will probably feel safe after
she goes to some watch meetings and if she does, they can stay. She
agrees take take the fence down because women are always wrong on this
show.
LOS ANGELES, CA Jordan (Artist’s Loft)

Here’s
the plan: Eva has to look in the mirror and tell an artist what she
looks like and he will draw what she describes. Then, his assistant will
describe what she looks like to the artist and the artist will draw her
again based on that description.And, wouldn’t you know it, Eva
describes how fat and dumpy she is. The artist sketches what she says.
Then Christopher, his assistant, looks at Eva and describes her to
Jordan and he draws his version of Eva. Eva bursts into tears when she
is shown the two drawings.

(MATT: “The right one is what you could look like if you lost that pound, fatty.”)

Not
one to be upstaged, bursts into tears, too. Jon says that she has to
know how beautiful she is. Eva says that it’s hard to believe that she’s
that beautiful because of “all the stress in her life”.

ALBANY, NY Hotel Lobby

Alicia
and Paige are joined by Nattie, who is happy she got laundry done. Rosa
walks by and Paige tries to say hello. Rosa says she has nothing to say
to her and walks away. Paige explains the situation to Nattie. The
girls tell Paige she is so flirty and probably gave off the wrong
signals by mistake. (MATT: That’s right – another woman telling Paige that it’s HER fault that Rosa mouth-raped her. All Paige’s fault.) Alicia doubles down and tells the camera, “Paige needs to be careful next time and be more clear of her intention.” (MATT:
Having lately put up with multiple uber-feminists who don’t believe
that women don’t victim-blame and that it’s “soley men” that do this,
I’d love — LOVE — for them to explain this episode to me. Please.)
ALBANY, NY for Friday Night SmackdownRingside – Summer Rae vs. Natalya

Summer Rae and Nattie are fighting in the ring.Backstage
Paige
proudly wears a fake fur coat. She takes Rosa to a private room to
apologize for making her think she wanted anything more than a friend.
Rosa says she’s been rejected so much that she’s fragile, “like glass
that can break at any moment”. (MATT: So, she needs to kiss…other…glasses that are…solid. I guess…)
Rosa says Paige can still flirt with her and she won’t take it wrong.
Rosa says it means so much that she said she’s sorry. She never heard
Paige do that before. Paige says she rarely does because she doesn’t
have a heart. (MATT: And, so, Paige is sorry that Rosa kissed her because she was really asking for it. What a message.)

LOS ANGELES, CA
Photo Shoot
Eva
is getting made up and they put tanner on her. Then they put it on her
stomach and emphasize how “tiny” she is. Eva nails the photo shoot
because, weird as it sounds, she wasn’t really fat. (MATT: What a twist. Somebody call M. Night Shyamalan.)HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: Being
flirty doesn’t mean you want someone to kiss you. While I don’t believe
she’s never apologized before, it probably is a rare moment in her
life, so between dodging kisses for being herself and having some
personal growth, she came off pretty normal and as somebody one could
relate with.
This week’s punch goes to…Brie:
Even if the robbery was recent (not, say, months ago when it actually
happened), putting in barbed wire without even consulting her husband
was quite immature. When you share a home and finances, you share
decisions like that.Matt
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: She’s
gonna be in this slot forever. I don’t give a damn if she’s punching
kittens and clubbing baby seals. I’m beyond baffled that she’d even be
involved with a storyline where she was blamed for somebody attempting
to make out with her.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Cameron: She
edges out Brie simply because Brie had good intentions behind her
actions. Cameron is like that teenager who never grew up. Every single
thing she does in and out of the ring is annoying. Everything she says
is annoying. Her gimmick is annoying. Her voice is annoying.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 13 – “Twin Leaks”

(NOTE: This may be
the last of this type of formatting you see on this report. We may try
something new next week. Otherwise, we hope you enjoy this week’s
recap!)

Last episode…

  • Eva Marie went to Nikki’s fertility doctor to
    find out if she could have kids. She found out to her dismay that she
    could and then confessed to her husband Jon that she didn’t want kids.
    He managed to convince her that someday she might because only his
    opinions matter.
  • Nikki blames Brie and pretty much only Brie for
    going behind her back and confronting John Cena about his desire to not
    get married, leading to their breakup, even though her mom and brother
    also participated.
  • Rosa has a wardrobe malfunction and her butt
    gets flashed to the world at a match. She’s horrified, then delighted by
    all her new Twitter fans, so she and Alicia Fox rehearse how she could
    flash a boob at a match. Even though it’s all talk, it gets back to
    management who threatens to fire her then relents.

(MATT: If you weren’t convinced that Vince
McMahon was a juvenile old perv, the title of this episode should fully
convince you of that fact.)

KANSAS CITY, MO for Monday Night RAW 

Ringside/Backstage
Brie
is in the ring with Summer Rae. Backstage, the other Divas criticize
Summer and even Nattie can’t say Summer has a good heart without
laughing. They do admit she has gorgeous hair (MATT: So, Summer’s got that going for her…which is good.)
and Alicia just says, “I can buy better hair”. Nattie dances with
Alicia to celebrate Negativity while Paige refuses to make fun of Summer
because Summer was “the only one that was nice to her when she first
arrived”. Instead, she gives Nattie the finger.

TITLES 

MIAMI, FL

Cena’s regular gym
John and Nikki are working out. As they enter, he asks if she’s cold as her nipples are poking out through her workout outfit. (MATT: 1 minute, 47 seconds for the first boob joke. They’re slipping.) Nikki doesn’t want to work out as she just got a facial and I’m sure Matt has a dirty joke for this. (MATT: Working out after having your face made up is NOT a joke, Danielle. Also…heh…splooooge.) John has to insult her by telling her that she isn’t strong. So, Nikki flexes her arms.

(MATT: And she can probably kick my ass. That’s disturbing.)

To prove his point, Cena grabs a heavyweight plate
— and throws it at her. Nikki ducks in understandable fear that she’s
about to have a broken arm and two broken feet to go with them — but it
turns out the plates are plastic, not metal. Cena and his trainer, Rob
(AKA “This Fuckin’ Guy”), just laugh.

(MATT: “Abuse is HILARIOUS!”)

Out of nowhere, Nikki says that she can beat John
in a race. Cena begs to differ and says that he doesn’t even want to
prove he can win because he doesn’t want to embarrass her. Nikki tells
the camera, “HEY! I’m good at things, too!” (MATT: Man…sex
with her better be fucking great because I don’t think I could tolerate
Nikki for more than four seconds before walking out of the room.)

This Fuckin’ Guy says that they should have a contest to determine who
is the better of the two by doing a “decathlon”. Nikki says that sounds
fun but it shouldn’t include an IQ test because she’ll lose, saying, “He
knows bigger words than me!” (MATT: Make that REAL fucking great.) Rob will set it up for them.

LOS ANGELES,CA

Eva Marie and Jon’s apartment
Eva
gets out of the shower and tells Jon that her breasts feel different.
Jon feels her boobs. He tells her that he feels lumps. Dr. Obvious tells
her if her silicone ruptures, it would be a nightmare. She tells us
this is the worst possible time in her career for a medical issue
because she’s “finally getting a big push” and “has momentum”. (MATT: Just take Eva’s word for that.) We cut to clips of her career including her winning the WWE Divas Champion — oh wait, she’s never won that. (MATT: We no longer need my comments with snark like that.) He wants her to see a doctor ASAP, she’s scared.

LAS VEGAS, NV – UNLV Thomas & Mack Center for Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Big
Show tells Brie that her Brie Mode shirt makes her look hot. Show says
that if he wore a shirt like that, he’d look like the Michelin Man. (MATT: Then Show turns heel and punches Brie in the head.) Somehow,
Brie works in the fact that the shirt is the same color as the blood
when she’s on her period. Big Show doesn’t want to hear that and neither
does Heath Slater who’s just there for the sake of saying, “Yeah, Brie.
Gross.”

Ringside – Paige vs Natalya
It’s
a normal Divas match until Paige gets weirdly aggressive,
heavy-breathing on Natalya, licking her cheek and just acting like a
sexual predator.

Backstage
Natalya confronts Paige about her in-ring behavior. Paige channels her inner Alpha Jock and says, “Oh…you didn’t like that?” (MATT: Natalya, however, has her beat with the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard come out of a woman’s mouth: “If I were a guy, I’d love it.” I swear, this whole show is culminating in Nattie discovering that she’s gay and she’s been fighting it for a long time.) Paige tells her that she won’t do it again. mockingly asking, “Ok, pumpkin?” Nattie walks off in a huff.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Bedford Surgical Center
While waiting for the doctor, Jon puts implants in his tank top, then jiggles them around and rubs them on Eva’s face. (MATT: This makes the pot brownie storyline look well-nuanced.)
Dr. David Kim comes in and asks Eva what is going on. He says she has
too much tissue at the bottom of the breasts and, as they are 9 years
old, there could be a leak. He says it would be 2 to 3 months of down
time, following surgery, until she could go back in the ring. They do a
blood test to determine if they are in fact leaking.

Random Hotel Restaurant
Nattie tells Cameron and Eva that Paige wrestled with her in a sexual manner. The girls tell her to let her be herself. (MATT: Yeah, Nattie. Sexual harassment is COOL!) Nattie
says that sexualizing things isn’t good — then, in the same sentence
(and in front of everyone), says that she has better breasts than Paige.

(MATT: Fucking hell…there’s 30 more minutes of this bullshit…)

Eva looks like she is going to cry the whole time as it’s clear she is thinking about her problem and not Nattie. (MATT: Maybe Nattie could cheer Eva up, then simultaneously declare that her breasts are better since they don’t leak.) Meanwhile,
Rosa and Alicia have arrived to join the girls. Rosa remarks that she
hopes to see Paige — and hopes that Paige is wearing a short skirt. The
two join the table and Paige, immediately gets Grinchy Evil, telling
Nattie they will be grappling soon. Paige rubs her chest on Rosa who
loves it. (MATT: And she’s not even a guy!) Boobs are
complimented and fun is had — but Eva gets a call from Dr. Kims office
and leaves to take it. Eva is devastated to hear that her blood has
tested positice for silicone and that she will need surgery to fix that.
(MATT: And this is so terribly scripted. The phone is set on
speaker. It’s a wonder the rest of the restaurant didn’t hear the call.)
Since when do you get a bad diagnosis like that over the phone?

SEATTLE, WA for Friday Night SmackDown

Backstage
The
girls are discussing photos. Nattie takes a photo with Nikki. Nikki 
hits the Terrible Bella Segue button and says she and John take lots of
pics together and that they’re having a competition. The girls, however,
think she’s going to lose. Nikki is upset that they don’t agree she
will win because girl power. Nattie asks what Nikki’s going to make John
do if she beats him. Nikki, in a moment where you know she can’t win, says she has no idea.

Ringside – Eva Marie vs. AJ Lee
Eva
wins the match and tells the camera that she doesn’t want to take off
time with her career taking off do to. You know, with all that
“momentum” she has.

TAMPA, FL

John Cena’s car
They
are going to the Grand Prix for their first event. Nikki says she is
going to win every competition. Nikki says she wants a trophy if she
wins. He suggests a hive of friendly bees so they won’t kill her. (MATT: Nah, that’s just John’s passive aggressive way of saying that he wishes he could murder her.) He wishes her luck. They shake hands, then they fondle each other.

(MATT: I have a feeling this will be far more entertaining than what we’re about to see…)

Grand Prix Family Fun Center
Nikki
and This Fuckin’ Guy are out front, waiting for John to come out of the
restroom. When he does resurface, he’s dressed like a ninja that
couldn’t find his face mask.

(MATT: I have to keep posting pictures because, otherwise,
you won’t believe a goddamn word we’re saying.)

They go to race. He crashes his car into hers on purpose so he can win. Nikki is horrified that he cheated. (MATT: I count this as a Cena heel turn.) She says he’s a cheater, gives him the finger and storms off. (MATT: It’s her fault. She should have used the blue shell when she had it.)

TAMPA, FL

Grand Prix Arcade
It’s time for mini-golf and, accordingly, Cena shows up in a golfing outfit complete with spiked shoes.

(MATT: Even MS Paint is telling me it’s tired of screen-capping this shit.)

Nikki is just beside herself and says that he’s
being silly, then says that Cena is already cheating because he’s
wearing spikes, which aren’t allowed in “Goofy Golf”. (MATT: At this point, Danielle actually stopped the show and said, “This show is awful. It’s just awful.” I swear to Jeebus.) Nikki asks Rob if what Cena is doing is illegal.

(MATT: Don’t ask Rob. He’s only here because Cena’s paying him.)

Cena has his own professional-level putter and
Nikki accuses him of cheating again. He then goes on to beat her in the
batting cages and heckles her. He wins handily at skee ball at well. She
complains on camera that he isn’t taking this seriously as he keeps
wearing various outfits and making fun of her. (MATT: Yes. Cena’s not taking Go-Karting, Goofy Golf or Skee Ball seriously.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Eva Marie and Jon’s house
Eva
doesn’t wanna carry shit down the stairs so she throws things from the
second floor to the first to save time. He tells her that the house is
not a treehouse. He asks when her surgery is so he can get time off,
then is dismayed to learn that she cancelled it. She defends her
position, telling him that it was not a good time for her to have them
taken out as she’s wrestling every weekend. Jon learns Mark Carrano and
the other talent reps don’t even know she has this situation going on.
Jon gets mad that she is again hiding things from him like she did about
not wanting kids. She tells him that it’s her body and decision. (MATT: To get horribly sick and die?!)

TAMPA, FL

Nikki and Jon’s house
Their
final event is Beer Pong and she was good at that at college. John
takes this REAL serious for a change and comes in, dressed like a Frat
Boy.

(MATT: Suddenly, his ring attire seems genius.)

Rob shakes his head in silent dismay.

(MATT: “I’m just gonna be quiet, drink my free beer, get paid, and go home…”)

For once, they seem evenly matched. She even starts
winning big time. Finally, she needs only more ball in his last cup to win.
Then, suddenly, Nikki just can’t get the ball in the last cup. And, much to the
surprise of nobody, it’s a tie game with one cup, each. Cena gets into her
head, telling her she’s been on one for a long time and then, eventually, he
wins. Cena gets real obnoxious to the point where Nikki’s had it and throws her
beer in is face. Rob: “That’s not very sportsman-like…”

(“Rob, go to Expression #2…”

Nikki storms upstairs because, unlike Nattie, she doesn’t
storm off by leaving the house. Cena comes upstairs to the bedoorm where Nikki
is sulking. She complains he made the whole thing into a joke. And Cena finally
explains what Nikki doesn’t seem to grasp: “Was it ever supposed to be
serious? We did beer pong and skee ball and Goofy Golf.” (MATT:
“Do you understand that these are silly games or do I need to bring Rob in
here to explain?”)
Still, she seems upset that he won everything and
pouts. He says he was just trying to have fun with it and he’s sorry if went
over the line. They apologize to each other and kiss and makeup. Nikki tells
the camera that it was all her fault because she didn’t have fun and made
everything too serious. (MATT: WOMEN – It’s always all their fault. This
message brought to you by the women of Total Divas.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 


Cameron’s car
Eva’s phone rings and it’s Mark Carrano, WWE’s Senior
Director of Talent Relations. He tells Eva that Jon called and left him a voice
mail — but didn’t tell him why he was calling. Because of this, Mark
called Eva to get some clarification. Eva lies to him and says she has no idea.
She calls Jon, furious, and wants him to call her back. 

Eva Marie and Jon’s House
Jon comes home and she is still in PJs. She says that
she’s mad that he embarrassed her by calling her boss. He says he would
embarrass her in front of the President of the United States if that’s what it
takes for her health. She keeps telling him and the camera that she would never
call his work and embarrass him. He says she is putting her career over her
health, which should be her priority. They get in a shouting match and Jon dubs
everything she’s saying and doing “stupid”. Eva goes into the bedroom
and slams the door on Jon.

SAN DIEGO, CA 

Nirvana Grille and Bliss Bar
Eva, Brie and Nikki are having dinner and — wait. Nikki
and Brie are fine with each other now. (MATT: Shut up and don’t question
it!)
Nikki says she needs some carbs in her life for her “reverse
cowgirl later”. If she can’t beat Jon (at sports), she’ll just fuck him
’till he has no energy – good plan. (MATT: Besides, it’s the only way John
can ever justify being with somebody who thinks Skee Ball is an Olympic-level
event.)
Eva Marie just comes out with it: her breasts are leaking silicone
and she needs them out. Nikki is visibly disturbed by this for obvious
reasons.

(PICTURED: “Reasons”.)

They both advise her that she should not be wrestling now.
They go uber-hypothetical and speculate that Eva could injure somebody else in
the ring if her boobs hurt. “If you have somebody in a body slam, and that
pain hit, you could drop someone on their head.” Brie explains. (MATT:
Take it from a couple girls who know something about being dropped on their
heads.)
Nikki doubles down: “If I was wrestling with my injured shin
and I had somebody up for a body slam, my leg could have broken in half.”
They convince her she will not be forgotten about if she takes time off. (MATT:
That was awesome that they said that with a straight face.)
Nikki relates
the story of how she was out for five months with her shins. “I was out
for 5 months and look where I am now”. Eva realizes Nikki got the biggest
push of her career after. (MATT: Yeah, but Eva’s banging “Jon”,
not “John”, so…)
She says she will take to Carrano about it.
The girls toast her getting her silicone out. Nikki jokes that Daniel Bryan
called and said Brie was to pick up the bill, which, as he’s notoriously frugal,
would never happen.

HOUSTON, TX for WWE Main Event 

Backstage
Paige and Nattie talk. Nattie wants their match to have a
good story and to be one Stephanie McMahon’s daughters can watch. Paige
agrees.


Ringside – Paige vs. Natalya
Paige kicks her in the back of the head and, when she is
down, licks her cheek. Nattie uses her anger in the ring but Paige wins.

Backstage
Nattie yells at Paige for humping her and licking her
face. Paige claims she got her mad to get a great match. Nattie agrees that
Paige has a plan and maybe they can use it. Nattie: “Maybe a little light
humping is okay!” (MATT: I’ll take “Things a Rapist Might
Say” for $200, Alex.)
Nattie surprises her by licking Paige’s cheek,
slapping her on the ass and grabbing her boobs. Paige giggles and says Nattie
is turning her on.

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Dr. Kim’s Office/Surgical Center
Eva is getting her silicone out and having saline put in.
She learns she can still do her photo shoot in two weeks as long as she doesn’t
lift anything. Eva’s husband and mom are there. They joke that her mom will get
bigger implants than she has.


HOLLYWOOD, CA 

Roosevelt Hotel
Eva Marie admits her husband was right: without her
health, there is no career. She’s woozy as she says that, sometimes, he’s
right. Also, her skin is really pale yellow. The twins call to cheer her up.
Jon says everyone loves her to which she says either they love me or they’re
happy as fuck that I’m not there. Eva: “I’ll take it.”


HUGS AND PUNCHES

Danielle 

This week’s hug goes to…Eva: I know what it’s
like to have the feeling that, if you take off — even the tiniest amount of
time to get a health problem treated — your job won’t be there. She was
immature, but honestly scared and no surgery is 100% guaranteed risk free.
Also, she was able to admit her husband was right, which for her was a huge
amount of personal growth. 

This week’s punch goes to…John Cena: While it
was amusing (at first) that he had clothes for the so-called “sporting
events” they had (and presumably the other six), he went over the top,
making fun of his girlfriend and needlessly heckled her. You can have fun and
be competitive without being an ass. Well…you can if you’re not Cena.

Matt 

This week’s hug goes to…John Cena: Because Nikki
is a hollow-headed nut and MAIGOD, who the fuck takes Goofy Golf seriously?!
And none of that storyline made any sense whatsoever. Cena made a joke out of
it because the whole thing WAS a joke on several levels. He even out-Paiged
Paige this episode — and that’s hard to do. 

Annoying Cast Member of the Week…Natalya: I
can’t hate Eva even though she’s Nikki 2.0. The level of sheer incompetence
over a pretty simple issue (Dealing with poison in one’s bloodstream from a
broken silicon breast vs. Ignoring that shit and wrestling into an early grave)
is aggravating. In fact, here’s another simple lesson: if you’re a woman and
you’re wrestling…don’t buy fake boobs. That may sound sexist, but
considering WWE exploits these women and, in the process, has them taking risks
that may damage what they’re exploiting, I’d say WWE’s a lot more sexist and
insensitive towards women than I am. So, anyway, what I’m trying to say is that
Eva’s skin was yellow and she was woozy and cute. Nattie, on the other hand,
didn’t want to get humped. Then changed her mind in four seconds and started
grabbing boob. I just can’t.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 12 – “Baby Not On Board”

In our last episode:
  • Paige was introduced to Nattie
    who decides Paige is her new BFF because reasons. Paige encourages
    Nattie to go to a party then plays a mean prank on her: she tells Nattie
    that the brownies she ate there contained Marijuana, causing Nattie to
    freak out and fabricate a car accident in order to delay a (MATT: conveniently-timed) drug test by WWE. Paige later confesses. Somehow, they’re still BFF’s.
  • Nikki learned Brie, JJ and Kathy
    had spoken to John Cena, causing them to break up. Upon learning the truth, they
    got back together and Nikki stayed mad at Brie although she forgave her family.
  • Yet, oh, so coincidentally, the twins
    get a story line where they are at war with each other in WWE. Brie even
    gets booked to fight Stephanie McMahon at Summer Slam.
Century Link Center in OMAHA,
NE
 

Backstage

Paige
sees Big E and jokes he isn’t
wearing underwear under his shorts. She chest-bumps him a few times,
touches
his pecs and jokes how she hopes it’s not sexual harassment and then
slaps his chest, plays with his pecs and makes them bounce around.

(MATT: A simple description and picture doesn’t do this justice…)

 
TITLES. 

(MATT: Heh…titties.)
It says “TITLES”.
(MATT: Whatever…) 

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Eva’s
Car

Eva Marie and Cameron are in a car, on their way to a fertility doctor Nikki referred Eva to. (MATT: I swear, Cameron is playing the role of JoJo and WWE is hoping we won’t notice.) Now that they are
married, Jon wants to her pop out “a whole football team”.  

Jane
Frederick, MD Office – Fertility Clinic

Eva reveals that she developed a cyst and
has a heart shape uterus. Eva says they aren’t trying to have a kid yet and
seems very apprehensive. Cameron tells the doctor that, eventually, they’ll have a little “mixture” running around.

(MATT: And, with that assessment, Eva’s reproductive system shuts itself down for good.)

The doctor wants to see how fertile Eva by running a
lot of tests. The doctor does an exam with Eva in stirrups and tells her
someday she will be that position, giving birth. (MATT: “Or you’re sterile and my words will be heard in your nightmares for years to come!”)

OMAHA,
NE – CenturyLink Center for WWE Main Event

Backstage

Brie is backstage, talking with Joe
Hickey of WWE Product Development. She tells the camera that they’ve been waiting for Bella merch for so long and now, they’ve finally got it. She adds that it’s a little weird as Nikki
isn’t talking to her but they must stay professional at their workplace. But, instead, Nikki decides to get real personal and, risking the merch deal, asks the merch guys if they have siblings and if they would
betray them by going behind their backs in order to get an SO to leave them. The
merch guys stay silent.

(MATT: “To be honest, I just came here to sneak a look at your cleavage every few minutes…”)

Meanwhile, for no discernable reason whatsoever, Reverend
Jesse Jackson is backstage. The twins meet him and get pictures. Brie tells the camera she wishes he would
preach love to her sister.  

Following this, Brie confronts Nikki and tells her that she’s acting unprofessionally. Nikki basically defends herself with the equivalent of “no, you.” (MATT: Jesse Jackson didn’t help heal them? What a surprise.) They storm off in opposite directions.

Paige is backstage, wreaking havoc as she tends to do. (MATT: She rams a service cart into JoJo “Living Bigfoot Sighting” Offerman, who’s also backstage for no discernable reason.) Paige also runs into Alicia Fox who introduces herself to the show. She gets a long promo in which says she
was the first African-American Divas champ. She describes herself as “a complete nut”. (MATT: Despite the fact that she’s nothing like that except for recently.) She want to know where Rosa is as
they are “friends”. Paige and Fox
make fun of Rosa’s dance steps.

Ringside
Fox and Paige watch Layla and
Summer Rae take on Natalya and Rosa. In a completely puzzling moment, Paige says she misses Nattie — then says, “I just saw her two seconds ago. And I miss her today.” And Alicia just giggles because she’s “fun”. Rosa tells the camera that “everything is looking up lately”. (MATT: Here comes the Hand of God to smack her back down in 3…2…) At one point in the match, Layla pulls Rosa off the mat, pulling at her trunks — and ends up accidentally exposing Rosa’s bare ass to the crowd. (MATT: I covered this in my Main Event recap for this episode. If I’m not mistaken, you actually saw nothing because WWE Network has all their stuff on time delay in case things like this happen. The screen went to black when Layla reached up to grab her and picked back up once Rosa was on the ground. I don’t understand WWE censors. They don’t want you to see it then — but they will let you see it later. Pick a lane.) 

Backstage
Rosa joins them
and she hopes Layla, Rosa and Paige will reassure her that barely anything was visible, Instead, they brag about seeing her ass and allude to possibly seeing her vagina had she been bending over. Rosa begins to sob as Paige and Alicia laugh their asses off and speculate that Rosa could lose her job as it’s a PG show. (MATT: How does somebody get fired because something was done to them? That’s like one of my co-workers getting fired after I punched them in the face.)

LOS
ANGELES, CA
 

Javier’s (Restaurant)

Cameron
is so happy that Eva and her husband are back in California. Cameron pushes her asking
if they will raise kids here. Eva’s a little unhappy that Jon wants a big family because she doesn’t want kids at all. She doesn’t want to go through the fertility
treatments or go through pregnancy. “I freak out over water weight having a
baby in your gut is just a lot.” Also, they are both just starting career-wise and she wants them to soar
before they start a family. (MATT: So, no kids because she’s vain and won’t be on WWE television? How’s that any different than now?) She hopes she is
infertile so she doesn’t have to say anything to her husband. Cameron gets her
to admit she has been lying the whole time about wanting kids. Things moved so fast in their relationship
there isn’t time to talk about it she tells the camera. Eva is so blessed, she starts crying. (MATT: Quick! Somebody find Paige and Alicia so they can laugh at her!)

WICHITA, KS 

Gym

Rosa
tells Alicia that she has 25,000 more followers and 11,000 more Instagram
followers because of the bare ass reveal. She has a plan: to have another “wardrobe malfunction” which “accidentally” exposes her boob. (MATT: Even Alicia Fox calls her nuts, which is almost equal to the scene in Return of the Jedi when Darth Vader realizes just how sadistic the Emperor really is.)

FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN 

Backstage
Naomi
is talking to Alicia backstage. Naomi says Vince saw her near-naked. Naomi laughs about it. Brie appears out of nowhere and is wearing
a Brie Mode shirt. Conveniently, Nikki happens to walk by. Brie asks her when their spot is. Nikki ignores her and Brie explains to Alicia and Naomi that Nikki’s still mad at her. Nikki tells the camera that Brie “nearly ruined her love life”. (MATT: For all of 48 hours.) She tells Brie that she has no time for “a back-stabbing bitch”.

Ringside – Nikki vs. Naomi
Nikki
gets in some great shots and tells the camera that, throughout the latest break-up scare, she’s been “very professional”. Nikki says that she is still mad at Brie and wants
to take out her anger on Naomi in the ring. Nikki wins easily.

(MATT: Very professional…)

  • Like the time she almost killed a mutually-lucrative merchandise deal by discussing personal matters in front of the merchandise production team.
  • Or calling her own sister names in front of two Divas just because Brie didn’t know what time they were supposed to head to the ring. 
  • Or nearly destroying Naomi for realz because she was “angry”. 

Backstage 
Brie wants two minutes with John Cena. (MATT: That probably isn’t the first time Cena’s heard that from a woman.) He gives her two minutes. Brie says
it seems like she is always apologizing to him or asking a huge favor. Cena: “Or…trying to ruin my personal life.” She tells him that Nikki is still mad
at her and wants his help in getting him to forgive her. He explains to Brie that she needs to start by understanding how Nikki feels: had the positions been reversed and
Nikki asked Daniel Bryan to lunch to ask him to divorce Brie, she’d feel
resentment even if Nikki apologized. John wisely tells her to give Nikki some
space. (MATT: Sage advice. Either one of two things is true here: 1) All the women on this show are vapid airheads or 2) they’re pretending to be vapid airheads because Vince told them all that MEN do all the smart-talking and explaining on this show.)

Rosa and Alicia’s hotel room 
Rosa is showing a few
outfits and how she should have a wardrobe malfunction by exposing her breast. The
girls bounce and wrestle on the bed. They practice their moves and how there could
be the wardrobe malfunction though
blurring out her breast – sorry Matt. (MATT: No need. That’s the highlight of the show, censors be damned.) In a weird moment of mental sobriety, Rosa
is forced to look at the likely consequences of her actions, which
would probably include the both of them losing their jobs. They
decide it’s a bad idea but Rosa is happy she gets to hang with (MATT: And get felt up by) her friend. She
wishes the other girls would get along with her. Alicia says she shouldn’t let
it get to her. Rosa reflects to the camera on how she doesn’t get why the girls don’t like her. (MATT: Then we see a montage of all the times when Rosa acted like an ass to the other girls, capped off with a clip of her spinning tales to the Divas about her “nervous vomiting” issues. Even the editors can’t stand Rosa.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

Eva Marie and Jon’s house 

Eva is wearing a bikini and looking at herself
in the mirror. She’s grossed out at how she looks but Jon (MATT: Who lays there, in bed, looking like he’s ready to tap it, caveman style…) tells her how hot she is. She says she wants to lose
15 lbs. He asks about her fertility results and when they’ll have them. He says it isn’t a big deal. Worst case scenario,
they adopt some kids. He has them pray that they can have “little miracle babies”. (MATT: Ok…in “Eggs Over Freezing”, Jon tells Eva he won’t switch his religion. This, despite the fact that he’s Christian and she’s Catholic. I know that Catholicism is pretty much the slightly smarter, yet still mostly naive, brother to Christianity…but you’re telling me that he couldn’t have converted to Christianity for one fucking day? The show made it sound like he was Buddhist or Atheist or Agnostic or some other thing. I’m tellin’ ya’…this fuckin’ show…)

PHOENIX, AZ 

Mama Bella’s House

Brie comes to see her
mom and brother so they can discuss the Nikki and Brie situation. (MATT: They didn’t learn from the last three disastrous meetings between the three of them?) She tells the
camera that Nikki can hold a grudge for a long time. (MATT: Then, they drink shitloads of wine because that’s gonna make it all better.) Kathy says she should call
Nikki to “check her temperature”. Brie kinda agrees and says if they told her there was red wine, she might come over.
She says they should “splooge” on
Opus One. Kathy makes fun of her for mispronouncing the word “splurge”. (MATT: And we turn a serious situation into a “heh, heh, she said penis” moment.) Kathy calls Nikki
on speaker phone and tries to smooth things over. Nikki finally realizes the
call is on speaker phone though she lies to Nikki that she is alone. (MATT: And, of course, Nikki has the brain of a fucking fly and totally buys it.)

LOS ANGELES, CA 

HRC Fertility Clinic 
Eva’s torn. She wants her tests to come back clean because that means she’s healthy. On the flip side of that coin, if there’s something wrong, then it will be easier to let Jon down. The doctor did, indeed, find a problem: a septum in her uterus, which is a piece of skin growing in the wrong
direction that can be easily corrected. But, she still has good eggs and will easily
be able to have a child. Now she has to tell Jonathan that she doesn’t want
kids.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Target Center for Monday Night RAW 

Backstage
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations,
calls Rosa over to talk to him. He tells him he knows she was planning a “wardrobe
malfunction”. Because of this, he’s also not sure he should believe the original “bare butt” incident was an accident. (MATT: This was so, so awkward and amusing. Carrano could hardly keep a straight face during this “talk”…especially when he utters the phrase, “bare buttocks”.) Rosa asks who told him but Carrano isn’t telling. (MATT: Shouldn’t it be obvious, you fucking twit?) He tells her that she’s close to rising to the top and if she wants that big push, she has to play by the rules. 

Rosa’s pissed and confronts Alicia about this. (MATT: Well done there, Sherlock. Your skills of deduction are unmatched.) Alicia said she never told Carrano but was telling the other girls. Rosa: “OMG, I knew it!” (MATT: Get paranoid, Rosa!) “They’re always trying to screw me!” (MATT: GET REAL PARANOID!) Moments later, all is forgiven. (MATT: Thank jeebus. My heart was in my goddamn throat over here.)

SAN DIEGO, CA 

John and Nikki’s House 
Nikki says she is not
going to the “big cousin dinner” that her family does once a month. All the
cousins will be there except for four and it’s close to where they live. Cena really wants her to go and tells her he will go if she does. 

LOS ANGELES, CA

Eva Marie and Jon’s House 
Eva tells Jon that she
went to the doctor and that, yes, she can conceive but it’s not what she wants to
do. He
thinks she means right away; she corrects him that she doesn’t want kids
at
all. She says she doesn’t have the maternal instinct whatsoever. Jon says he wanted a “basketball team”. (MATT: Maybe it’s just me…but telling a woman you want to birth as many children as it takes to field a professional sports team doesn’t help things…) He asks
why she would even want to marry him if she knew that he wanted children. He says she can’t be all about
family
as she says if she doesn’t want to have a family. She says she never
really
wanted kids she just kind of went along with it. He said if she has
communicated it in the beginning then he would have known what he was
getting into.  He says she lied to him and he’s so mad he’s
going to go work out. (MATT: “I’m gonna bench-press the HELL out those weights!”) Assuming this storyline is real, I think Jon could
get an
annulment pretty easy in California, citing fraud.

SAN DIEGO, CA 

Barley Mash (Bar) 
It’s Bella cousin night
and Nikki says she loves family time and won’t let Brie ruin that. So, Nikki says hello to Daniel and Brie, then turns her nose up at Brie and immediately goes to hang with a
few other cousins. (MATT: Way to “ruin” things, Brie.) Brie watches as Nikki chats with other family members. (MATT: Then watches as Nikki asks the bartender if he’s ever stabbed his twin brother in the back.) Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan’s wearing a trilby hat. (MATT: Oh, dear lord…)

(MATT: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!)

Brie says she’s “apologized” for the 27th time this episode. One of her cousins asks why they can’t just get along. So Brie approaches Nikki and says she wants to talk. Nikki tells her the same shit we’ve heard from Cena and Nikki in the last two episodes. Brie explains that she was in the wrong and that she was only thinking of herself. She won’t do it again. Nikki explains that it’s gonna “take her time”. (MATT: BECAUSE THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE!!!)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Orange County Crossfit (Gym)

Eva Marie has arrived to speak with Jon. (MATT: And to wrap up yet another storyline that had no suspense to begin with.) She convinces him to come to the car (MATT: …so she can blow him…) to talk to her. (MATT: Same thing.) She says
she should have told him the truth but she was scared to lose him because she
fell in love with him that fast. He says had she told him back then, he probably
would have married her anyway. However, she took the decision away from him, post-marriage. She
starts crying and says she can’t be the kind of Mom she has. He says he thinks
she will eventually get in her mind that she wants to have kids (MATT: WHAT?!) and then they will be popping out kids left and
right.

And, with that, this episode’s done.

PUNCHES AND HUGS  

Danielle 

This week’s hug goes to…Alicia Fox: Rosa has
only one friend. I guess. And I’m not even sure she can trust her. She thinks
that she has to practically be nude to do well in her career and it backfired
so hard, that the time she had a legitimate wardrobe malfunction, the execs couldn’t trust her due to her future plans to fake one.


This week’s punch goes
to…Eva Marie:
You don’t flip-flop about having kids in a few minutes,
especially when someone is trying to talk you into it. She lied to Jon simply by
not telling him she didn’t want them and, yes, that is lying by omission. But you
also don’t decide, “Hey…maybe I’ll have a change of heart.”

Matt

This week’s hug goes to…Paige: This is kinda sad. Paige’s addition to the show was most likely meant to elevate this show’s plummeting ratings. And Paige is like the Honey Badger: she don’t care. She’s like a Gremlin. A cute Gremlin. One that slaps man-boobs and runs over washed-up former Divas with service carts. She treats this show like a joke. And it is a joke. In fact, for myself, writing this section of the recap is a lot like Jerry Springer giving you the “What Did We Learn” segment of his talk show: I can’t even take half of what I see seriously because it’s so unbelievably phony and, so, I just write bullshit to fill space.

Most Annoying Cast Member goes to…Nikki/Brie: I’d put Rosa here but I like boobs. I like Alicia and Rosa wrestling in bed so that we can see some boob. I like how Rosa is a gigantic sexual predator who hits on anything that moves and she hasn’t been fired by WWE. And she’s gonna do it again: they already showed clips of her making out with Paige, so we have that to look forward to. But, I have to say that Nikki and Brie’s “angle” is so fucking awful. Every scene is “So, I’m mad at my sister because she ruined my love life”, followed by, “I totally apologized and I just want my sister back”, followed by “You’re a bitch, Brie”, followed by, “I tried to apologize”…and it just keeps going in circles — AND IT STILL ISN’T RESOLVED.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 11 – “Her Highness”

In our last episode, “The Divas Are Taking Over”:

  • Eva Marie and Jon got married in what was, technically, a vow
    renewal
    as they had originally eloped so she could have a special day for her
    Dad…and then proceeded to have a sexy, backless wedding dress with a
    huge cut out for cleavage and hips. She also wore a black wig so she
    looked like
    how her dad would remember her. I’m surprised she
    didn’t dance a tango with her Dad. (MATT: Or Fandango…that would have been fitting.)
  • Brie, her brother JJ and
    their Mom had a talk with John Cena in order to get him to leave Nikki if he
    really didn’t’ want marriage. At the episode’s end, he looked like he was
    going to ask her for a break.
  • Natalya and TJ fought a lot,
    could barely stay in the same hotel room and TJ even stupidly asked if
    he could have a final fling. 
  •  

Will John break up with Nikki? How crazy will Nattie
get? How much will TJ mope? Will Eva Marie continue to be happy? For
this review, Matt is by my side as usual but we’ve brought back the
great Tania Pereira to help us out!

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nikki’s Beach House
We start where we left off: John dumping Nikki. John says he’s the biggest weight dragging Nikki down. (MATT: Her boobs beg to differ.) He says she wanted to be married before he came along and to think about her life. Nikki asks if John’s dumping her. (TANIA: They’re just repeating the same storyline from a few weeks ago. It’s same goddamn storyline.) 

PHOENIX, AZ

Daniel and Brie’s House
Bryan’s wearing a Brie Mode T-shirt (MATT: He hates Brie Mode because of what it stands for, yet he’s wearing a Brie Mode shirt…this is just surreal.)
Brie asks how his physical therapy was. He says it went all right. Brie
tells him about Cena cutting it off with Nikki. Cena apparently didn’t
mention Brie or the conversation with the Bella family. Daniel tells
Brie it’s time to come clean and tell Nikki why John split with her.
Brie says “honesty would make it worse”. (MATT: “Worse”?! Holy shit. Are we really pretending Nikki won’t watch this later?)
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON FOR FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN

Backstage
Cameron
and Eva try to act like Rosa doesn’t work there to get here in trouble
for coming backstage. (MATT: Even more amusing – Cameron and Eva acting like best friends.) Brie talks merch and fans with Joe Hickey, Manager of Talent Merchandise. (MATT: I can safely says that this probably the closest Joe’s probably ever come to having sex with a woman.) He
tries to weigh in on her issue with meeting fans — except John Cena
walks in to interrupt, so Brie just totally cuts him off like she’s
running the red carpet at the Oscars. Brie wants to know why Cena didn’t
mention the family meeting. (TANIA: YOU ASKED JOHN TO KEEP THE INTERVENTION A SECRET LAST EPISODE, YOU IDIOT!)
Cena: “I don’t like throwing people under the bus.” Brie:
“Uh…wow…uh, thanks for that.” Brie tells the camera that John’s a
good man for not making this a bigger mess. (MATT: If she doesn’t
want a big mess, why is she asking Cena for answers?! OMG…this is
already the worst episode of the series…)
Cena explains to Brie that it the marriage thing was a “huge elephant in the room” and that Nikki needs to think about things.
Paige is backstage, wearing a fireman’s helmet while slithering and rolling around on the ground like a stripper on Shrooms. (MATT: As the backstage crew looks on, conflicted over whether to be aroused or sympathetic.). She gets up and flies into Nattie’s arms, squeezing her boobs and telling her they’re nice. (MATT: The fans who saw “Fighting With My Family” must feel profoundly ripped off right about now.) She introduces herself to the camera: “My name is Paige, I’m 22 years old and I’ve been wrestling for nine years. Suck it.” (TANIA: At least she’s honestly “22”. Unlike Rosa’s claim that she “felt like 26″…cuz she’s a rough 26…) 
She says she’s been wrestling “as a fetus” because she came out of her
Mom, a fighter. Nattie has Steph’s “Fit Series” for some reason and the
two both squeal about working out together. (MATT: Gratuitous advertising.) Paige is concerned about Nattie and TJ. She invites Nattie to a party so that she can get her mind off things.

Ringside
Rosa and Nattie watch backstage as Paige fights Naomi.Cameron interferes and Paige wins. (MATT: Even Total Divas isn’t exempt from shitty match finishes.)
PHOENIX, AZ

Brie’s Car
Nikki
admits to Brie that she drank a lot last night: two whole bottles of wine and can’t sleep. (TANIA:
You know what would be awesome? A drinking game where we drink every
single time they do.) (MATT: We wouldn’t make it through “Previously on
Total Divas”.)
Brie tells her that isn’t good to drink so much and that she can’t bear to hear her like this. (TANIA: Only because Brie’s the reason she feels like this.) So, they go for a shit-ton of donuts. (MATT: Wine? Bad. Obesity is a much better option.) They eat in the car as Nikki says “donuts make the pain go away”.
TAMPA, FL

Car

Nattie
says she doesn’t really party and she may be “single” but she isn’t
“ready to mingle”. Paige says she can’t wait to party with Nattie and
says it’s time to get “White Girl Wasted”.

Party
The “party” is inside an apartment that looks like the only thing a recently-divorced spouse could afford.  

(MATT: And the guests include…)

(MATT: …White Trash Fandango…)



(MATT: …your weird, lecherous Uncle Steve…)

(MATT: …Corey Hart Dudley…)

(MATT: …drunken selfie chick…)

(MATT: …and Calvin Klein model Wade Barrett.)

Natttie
yacks with Fandango and then eats a brownie while complaining to the
camera that this isn’t “her scene” because “there’s a guy with no shirt
on.” (TANIA: So, Nattie’s comfort level is obliterated by a guy from a summer pool party?) Nattie,
Fandango and Paige all chat it up in the corner and Paige asks Nattie
if the brownies she’s eating are good. Nattie says they’re a bit dry.
Paige replies that it doesn’t matter because they’ll make her “feel
happy” in a few moments. Nattie doesn’t get what Paige is trying to
construe and says that she’s “happy, happy, joy, joy!” Paige chuckles
and says, “But, really, there’s drugs in the brownies.” Nattie turns
green and runs to the bathroom where she barfs up the brownies and
tosses what’s left in her hand into the toilet. Nattie’s not happy and
tells the camera that “WWE drug tests all the time.” She claims to feel dizzy and tells Paige she needs to leave now. (TANIA: Hilarious. Only Nattie could feel worse while she was high.)


Car
Nattie makes Paige swear to keep this all a secret. (MATT: Ha, ha! Yeah! Keep it on the “down-low”! Because WWE doesn’t produce this show and they won’t ever watch what their own cameramen film or anything that they air. Let’s just keep this a “secret“!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Sumomaya – Restaurant
Bryan
tells JJ and Mama Bella that he has to keep napkins near him at all
times when he eats because “food gets caught in my beard”. Mama Belle’s
really impressed by this.

(MATT: “Well…at least he’s not thinking about using the napkin as a tampon…”)

Brie oddly segues from how crazy beard food is to how crazy the Nikki/John situation is and that they need to discuss it. (MATT: Quick! Let’s fix something we worked so hard to fuck up!) She realizes that John’s really a “good guy” after all. (TANIA: “Just not good enough for Nikki. Ha! Let’s break them up again.”) Mama Bella magically sheds any blame and declares this “their mission”. JJ: “OUR mission…” Brie says JJ pressured her into doing it. (TANIA: Nope. It was all your idea, sweetie.)
JJ can’t believe what he’s hearing and says that everyone is
backtracking. Brie tells the camera that she feels like she did the
wrong thing. (TANIA: You did.) She says she doesn’t know if it’s wrong. (MATT: It is.) Mama
Bella says it’s time to man up and tell Nikki everything. JJ says they
already made a decision and nobody can stick to it. Brie: “It’s all
about what YOU want.” (TANIA: SHE WANTED IT TO HAPPEN AND TALKED HER FAMILY INTO IT!!! HOLY SHIT!!!) Mama Bella’s had enough: Nikki will know everything, come hell or highwater because their family doesn’t keep secrets. (MATT: Only Nattie does that, guys.)

TAMPA, FL

Gym

Paige

wants to talk about last night. Also, she told Emma all about it.
Nattie tells the camera that this is bad because WWE is very strict and
bars certain cold medicines. Nattie asks how she was last night. Paige
tells her she was pretty wild. Nattie loudly declares that she’s “never
had pot before”. (MATT: In front of the entire gym. And Emma. And the camera. Despite wanting to “keep it a secret”. Oh, this show…) Paige
says she was relaxed. Nattie isn’t having this and says she’s gonna
“Google Marijuana side effects” while Emma looks on, absolutely stunned.
Nattie says it stunts movement, makes you panic and hurts your immune
system — which frightens her because she “already has a cold”. (TANIA: What, did she click on “GodHatesMarijuana.com”?!) Paige looks concerned. Nattie says she’s feeling dizzy, then tells Paige to feel her skin because it’s cold and clammy. (MATT: Totally not side effects from her cold.) Paige: “Well, yeah…you’re on a treadmill…” Nattie tells the camera that she never wants to be called a stoner.

PORTLAND, OREGON FOR A WWE LIVE EVENT 

Backstage

WWE
Senior Director of Talent Relations, Mark Carrano, addresses all the
Divas. He says SummerSlam will have two Divas matches this year. Brie
will have a match vs. Stephanie and the other one will be the Divas
Championship match. Brie tells the camera that her match will be the
“highest point” of her career.
PHOENIX, AZ 

Mama Bella’s House

The
Bella Twins and JJ are at Mom’s house. Kathy makes Mac & Cheese
like they’re 12. Her Mom tells them that they don’t look like they’ve
been starving. Nikki asks her Mom if she’s implying that they’re fat. (TANIA: Time for another intervention…) (MATT: “Nicole…we’re concerned about Silicon and whether it’s healthy for you…”) Nikki gets a text from John. Apparently, he’s off to Tampa (MATT: To fuck Rosa now that he’s single.) and wants her to stay in San Diego for a while (TANIA: So he can move on to Summer once he’s done with Rosa.) and wants to see if Nikki can survive. (MATT:
Especially when she finds out that he had a threesome with both women
after they figured out that Cena was two-timing them.)
Kathy tells
Brie that she needs to “show Brie something”, pulls her into a hallway
and says it’s time to lower the boom on Nikki.

Brie
tells Nikki everything. Nikki cannot believe that Brie and the family
took Cena to lunch and did this. Brie (with a straight face and dramatic
music): “It was breakfast…” (MATT: “Oh my god…you guys discussed this over pancakes???”) (TANIA: We have 40 more minutes of this bullshit, and I already know who I wanna punch.) Brie
and JJ defend their positions and tell her that Nikki wants what she
can’t have. Nikki says it still doesn’t matter. They had no right to do
what they did, regardless of the way she felt about things. They
shouldn’t have taken John to lunch. Brie: “Breakfast.” (MATT: Get the facts straight, Nikki. You’re out of your element here.) Nikki
claims she is
happy 99% of the time with him. JJ says that Cena needs to know the
facts. Nikki: “HE KNOWS THE FACTS! I’VE TOLD HIM!” Nikki’s had enough
and storms out of the house. Brie reminds her that she drove Nikki here.
Nikki doesn’t care. 


JJ and Brie follow her and says that they did this for her. (TANIA: Sure! We did this for you and I backpedaled and blamed it on JJ…but we did it for you!) JJ
and Brie argue inside the house while Nikki and her Mom argue outside.
JJ says that it’s too late to back out of this. Brie says it isn’t too
late because they never should have done it. Nikki has called a cab.
Mama Bella says we all need to discuss this. Nikki gets in her cab as
Brie tries to talk her out of leaving. Nikki cracks the window to give
her the finger and then rolls it back up. (TANIA: Brie isn’t even worth giving the finger to.)

TAMPA, FL

Nikki’s back home with John. Nikki leaps into her arms, splitting her skirt as John leers at her and paws her like a convict. (TANIA: Oh, come on. Her skirt didn’t “split”. She turned it to the side so it looked like it split. This is so forced.) 30 minutes in, by the way, and there’s no sign of Alicia Fox. (MATT: That’s probably a good thing.)

John’s house
The couple toasts with wine. John says that Brie had told him that he should let Nikki go. (MATT: Technically, it was JJ with Brie as an accomplice, but we’ve already had Nattie get high on pot brownies, so whatever.) Nikki says she hates Brie and never wants to deal with her again.

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA FOR MONDAY NIGHT RAW

Breakroom
The
Divas arrive for RAW. Titus is hanging backstage, eating cookies. Rosa
gives him a hug and Paig and Emma are in tow. Paige says all she’s done
lately is stuffed her face with donuts, so she doesn’t need to eat
chocolate. For some reason, Titus thinks this is a sexual innuendo,
opening the door right up for Rosa, who caresses Titus’s shoulder and
calls him “Sexual Chocolate”. Titus mocks her laugh and tells Rosa not
to touch him in a slightly disturbing moment. A woman from HR shows up
and wants to take Emma for a drug test and Emma goes with her. Paige
tells the camera that Nattie’s gonna explode when she finds out that WWE
is drug-testing today. (MATT: Marijuana might help her to rela–oh, wait…)
 
Nattie’s Car
Cameron
and Nattie get a call from HR. Cameron puts it on speaker. HR says they
are doing drug testing. Nattie is freaking out and claims that HR is
“looking for them”. Nattie says she has no idea what to do. She tells
Cameron about the pot brownies. (MATT: We need to do a shot each time
Nattie tells somebody not to tell anyone something — then says it
outloud to a dozen people in a room or reveals it to somebody herself.)

Nattie starts plotting, saying that she could lie about being on the
same flight as Cameron. Cameron: “Nah, girl…I wanna get to the arena.”
Nattie cuts people off, then says that she’s got it: she’s gonna make
it look like they got into a car accident. (MATT: This is like Reefer Madness, only it’s kinda goofy…) Cameron’s panicking as Nattie pulls into an alley and lightly dings a metal dumpster. (TANIA: Good job, Nattie! WWE will never know the true reason behind your absence even though they FUCKING FILMED IT, YOU IDIOT.) Cameron is beside herself as Nattie sits there, actually waiting for the airbags to “go off”. Cameron
wants to know what was going through her head as Nattie starts
apologizing to a local shop owner. Nattie says she now has an excuse to
go to the ER. Cameron basically calls her a moron and tells her that
Weed stays in your system for 30 days. (MATT: …and thanks for playing, “EVERYONE IS SMARTER THAN NATTIE”!!! *APPLAUSE*) Nattie finally resigns herself to the fact that Cameron’s right and gets back into the car. Then she tells Cameron to “not to tell anyone about this”. (MATT: Again…ON…FUCKING…CAMERA…) (TANIA: Seriously, I don’t think I have anything left. I don’t think anything can top this episode.) (MATT: Alamo Car Rental’s probably like, “Remind us never to rent to WWE again.”)

Backstage @ BJCC Arena
Nikki “lays down the law” with Brie. Nikki says they are at work, thus, she will stay
professional — but wants nothing to do with her outside of work. Brie just “doesn’t understand why Nikki is angry”. (TANIA:
“I mean, this is CRAZY! I fucked up, betrayed my sister’s trust, went
behind her back and nearly destroyed her relationship! I have NO idea
why Nikki is so mad!”)
Brie says SummerSlam is gonna be huge for the Bella brand but Nikki is making it hard. (MATT: Nikki’s good at “making it hard”, if ya’ know what I mean.) 

Nattie
and Cameron arrive and greet some of the fans who are waiting to get
autographs. Nattie promises them that they’ll be out to take selfies
soon. (MATT: Which is just “not her scene”, I thought…) She
goes in to see HR Lady, who hurries her into the drug-testing room
on-site. Nattie: “Everyone needs to relax! You’re gonna get your urine!”
(MATT: That’s what I tell my guests every single time I host a fetish party…) She finds out that the results won’t be back for two weeks.

She bumps into Rosa, Paige and Emma the Mute backstage and tells them about the car accident she told Cameron not to tell anyone about.

(MATT AND TANIA AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO WATCHED THIS EPISODE:)


Cameron comes by with a look on her face and Nattie
decides to exit. Cameron waits until she’s gone — then starts spilling
the true story. Nattie shows up out of the same portal the Authority
came from after Cena brought them back and tells Cameron to shut up.
Cameron says the truth will be revealed either way. Either Nattie tells
them now or SHE does. Nattie plays dumb and Cameron tells them Nattie
hit a dumpster on purpose. Nattie denies it all and Cameron tells her to
quit lying. Paige is laughing her ass off and Nattie storms off,
telling Cameron to “let it die”.

TAMPA, FL

Nattie and TJ’s House
Paige visits Nattie at home and bears gifts, jumping out at Nattie in the doorway and scaring her cat. (TANIA: I like Paige. Pile on more of her, please.)
It’s all cat toys. Once this is done, Paige comes clean: there never
was any pot in the brownies. Nattie scolds her and says it’s not funny
and that she “got into a car accident because of what happened.” (TANIA: YOU CREATED THE ACCIDENT, YOU DOORKNOB!)
Paige says she’s sorry and wants to pay for the damage to the car.
Paige plays with Cameron’s cats with the new toys but Nattie pushes
Paige out of the house and then talks to her cat, telling the cat that
Paige is a bitch.
LOS ANGELES, CA FOR SUMMERSLAM 

Backstage

Nattie
tells the camera that SummerSlam is the biggest Pay-Per-View of the
year next to WrestleMania and that she’s excited to see Brie take on
Steph. Meanwhile, Nikki runs into Paige and she tells her that she gets
to turn heel on Brie tonight. She says it works out because they’re not
getting along anyhow.

Ringside
Cameron,
Eva and Vincent watch the match from backstage. Nattie, Summer and Naomi
join the three.We get the match and heel turn with the Divas backstge,
fawning over what was one of the worst matches on the card. Steph wins.
Nikki tells the camera that the storyline was perfectly-timed.

THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS

(MATT:
Eva doesn’t want kids, The Bella Twins make up because fuck the
audience, and this all culminates in Rosa and Paige making out in the
hopes that ratings will finally climb out of the cellar and make their
way toward the roof again.)

HUGS AND PUNCHES

DANIELLE:
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki & John Cena: The
two of them may not be right for one another but they need a chance to
try. On top of that, nobody should be getting into the middle of
anyone’s business.

This week’s punch goes to…Paige & Nattie: Paige’s
joke was immature and ill-timed and she should have told Nattie the
truth a lot sooner. Of course, it doesn’t help that Nattie’s an idiot
and should have just told WWE the moment she knew what happened.
Instead, she got into a car wreck and acted like an idiot.

MATT:
This week’s hug goes to…Paige: Oh,
Paige. Paige, Paige, Paige. How do I love thee? We can tell you’re not
taking any of this shit seriously. I just don’t give a shit because this
show is a joke and you were the perfect troll. Also, it was nice to see
you destroy Nattie who has become the biggest jackass this show (and
company) has ever seen. I know, eventually, I will have to call you
“annoying”…but at least we’ll have tonight.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week is…Nattie: Nattie
is the new Nikki. The latter just escapes the list by faking the
“victim” routine well enough. Whew…I’m not gonna repeat the reasons
why Nattie’s #1 this week in this category. The recap should provide
enough justification.

TANIA:
This week’s hug goes to…Nikki: I’m
a sucker for a love story, as silly as it’s become. Let’s face it:
Cena’s a man’s man and Nikki’s his hot little piece. They’re made to
bone. I hug Nikki because nobody needs to get in the middle of anyone’s
relationship.

This week’s punch goes to…Brie & Nattie: Brie
gets a punch because of the aforementioned bullshit with her sister.
Nattie gets the punch because she’s a total and complete moron. Both
girls get DOUBLE-PUNCHED, in fact, in the vagina. Specifically centered
at the clit. And I can say that because I’m a girl. Suck it.

Er, that’s it.

Tommy will cover NXT and Smackdown to take you
into your weekend. Have a great weekend!

Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 10 – “The Divas Are Taking Over”

In our last episode, “Daddy’s
Little Girl”, the Divas learned that the saying, it never hurts to ask
can sometimes be completely false.

  • Cameron who decided to go from taking it slow with Vinnie to
    shopping for a house in a single episode had asked Nikki, the only real
    estate person to know to show her houses. Nikki did, deliberately first
    showing her a house outside her price range, then showing her another
    that was only half a million over her range. Cameron had her boyfriend
    half talked into signing papers site unseen, then they decided to ask
    Nikki to not take a commission as it would save them 6 months of
    payments. Nikki wisely refused, there was tension, but of course after
    they are still friends.
  • Brie having been a bride herself recently with an issue with her dad
    (in her case the dad abandoning the family when she was a teen) tried
    to get Eva Marie to share how she was feeling about wedding planning and
    her dad’s likely death soon from aggressive cancer. Though Brie never
    seemed close to Eva before, it did seem this was sincere. Eva got mad,
    so Brie decided to throw her a surprise bridal shower instead (though
    she did turn down her husband’s silly idea of making the theme The
    Transformers).
  • Natalya took Tyson to a divorce attorney to see how things could
    potentially go for them. Here they learned such shocking things as
    divorce can be expensive and that in the eyes of the law cats are
    property, so they’d have to agree how to divy them up (Tyson suggested
    splitting them in half, I think someone out to put a camera in their
    home to see if he yells at them all day when Natalya isn’t there).

       
PORTLAND, OR for Monday Night RAW 

Backstage
Natalya says she is jealous that John bought Nikki three new pairs of shoes. (MATT: Ah…true love.) Meanwhile,
the backstage area is buzzing with “excitement”: shoes are being
bought, Brie Mode shirts are selling, and Sheamus show-bombs Nattie and
Brie to inform them that the valet has lost Summer’s car keys. Fandango,
being the opportunistic sleaze that he is, asks Nattie what is up with
TJ. She seems upset that everyone wants her to share her dirty laundry
because that’s not what a reality show is for. She says she prides
herself on being quiet and professional. (MATT: Like, last week when she quietly and professionally yelled at TJ in front of the backstage crew. Totally understand.) She says she knows TJ and Fandango are friends (MATT: HUH?!) so they talk a lot. Natalya insists that everything’s fine. Then, casually states they saw a divorce attorney. (MATT: Perfectly normal! Everything’s cool!)
She cries about how things are bad and how she has to keep a brave fake
face for work, and insists that she’s “so happy, I could do a backwards
handspring in these heels with no underwear on.” (MATT: After referring to all her co-workers who’ve asked her about TJ as “idiots”. This woman has lost her goddamn mind.)

Ringside
Natalya’s got a match with Paige, the current WWE Divas Champion. She says she has to look “happy”. (MATT: A second ago, she was ready to do nude calisthenics! What the actual fuck?) Paige’s music hits and she comes out with the belt, then wins her match easily.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA

Michael Costello Dress Studio
Eva
Marie’s dress has no back, a huge cutout to show cleavage and cut outs
to show off her hips. The designer jokes her Jon has three suit changes
with Eva laughs and says is not true as there is room for only one Diva
in their house.

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nicole’s Beach House
John did laundry but needs help – he asks Nikki how to fold her thong. (MATT: Ah…true love.) Even
though Natalya didn’t want her dirty laundry shared, Nikki tells John
about Nattie and TJ’s fight and uses it to lead him into a calculated
conversation about their relationship issues. She says their fight makes
it so she doesn’t want to get married. John seems very exasperated with
this conversation, but somewhat happy now that Nikki has decided she
doesn’t need that piece of paper. Nikki jokes she will tackle John
later. He says she couldn’t catch him, then he brags he can best her in
running, chess, even tic tac toe. (MATT: To be fair, anyone can beat Nikki in Tic Tac Toe, so that’s not a testament to one’s mental prowess.) Then, to prove this, Nikki and Cena actually play Tic Tac Toe. (MATT: And Creative books Rollins to come into the room and club Cena with the briefcase for the DQ finish.) Cena celebrates his win over Nikki by acting like a god and proclaiming that he controls the Pacific Ocean for some reason. (MATT: I do the very same thing after I beat my god-daughter at Candyland…)

LOS ANGELES, CA


Powerhouse Gym
Eva Marie is working out for the Muscle
Fitness Hers cover. She is the first WWE Diva to ever be on the cover.
Nattie is there for moral support – which is cover for discussing her
issues with TJ and how it will effect Eva’s wedding. She asks if she can
be seated far away from him at the wedding, even if it has to be with
Eva’s family or the catering people. On camera, Eva says Nattie isn’t
that close to her family and she should grow up and sit next to her
husband. (MATT: Holy shit, I never thought I’d see the day where Eva is smarter than Nattie.) Nevertheless,
Eva promises to talk to her Mom to OK this. Nattie’s giddy at the
prospect and dubs Eva’s Mom “just like her own Mom”. (MATT: And I bet it took all of Eva’s strength not to break the “nice girl” image and just shake her head at Nattie’s analysis.)

Local Table – Restaurant
Nikki,
Brie and Daniel are having breakfast. Nikki asks to borrow a tampon and
Brie doesn’t have one. Nikki asks if she should use the table napkin
instead. (MATT: I didn’t ask to hear any of this. All I wanted to do
was recap a reality show that somehow finds something worse to talk
about than “seal slit”.)
Somehow that leads to Daniel recalling that Brie tells him how Nikki keeps leaving her sex toys for people to find them. (MATT: I was gonna say that it couldn’t get worse. I stand corrected.) One
time she had her brother, JJ over and made him look through her bottom
drawer to find her birth certificate and he had to go through a “sea of
vibrators” to find it. (MATT: A sea of vibrators sounds like the contents of Nikki’s head.)
Nikki says the fact that no one keeps theirs in a sex toy drawer makes
it safe. Brie actually has the smarts to ask if having her cert stolen
is even a danger. This leads to a conversation about marriage: Nikki
says she is practically married but doesn’t need to be. Brie insists she
wants to be married someday.


Restaurant
Brie and Daniel have…lunch this time…and,
this time, it’s with the Bella’s parents, Mom and Deadbeat Dad who’s not
only shown up for whatever the hell this is, he’s also wearing a Bronie
Trilby Hat. Being the over-sharers they are, JJ mentions he sent his
wife a naked selfie. (MATT: Ok…I’ve heard enough about seas of
vibrators and naked male selfies and tampons made of table napkins. I
don’t think I’ve ever cared about Eva and her wedding until just now.)

The conversation quickly goes back to the problem child: Nikki. Her mom
points out that John makes her happier than anyone she’s been with but
the rest of the family think she needs to hold out for marriage and
kids. JJ decides to help Brie confront Nikki about this. As they are
wrapping up, Brie is still in shock that JJ sent a naked selfie (MATT: FUCKING HELL. MAKE THIS STOP.) and he points out that Brie would like it if Daniel sent one. She says she would just laugh at it.

NAPA, CA

The Meritage Resort and Spa Lounge
Nattie
and TJ get a room together and she tells him to chill out and act like
everything is fine because appearances. TJ can’t even begin to play
along with what ever scripted drama this is and tells her that he was
just standing there, doing nothing.

SONOMA, CA

O’Brien Estates – Winery
Nikki calls Napa her heaven and is excited as there will be lots of wine tasting. (MATT: The Bellas need to be limited to Sheamus cameos.)
They start at a charming place with a private tasting and tour with the
owners. Nikki says how she has told John they should retire and have a
winery as they are “winos”.

(MATT: And I’m like…)

John isn’t there for the wedding yet as he has appearances in Chicago and probably wants to be far away from Nikki. (MATT: Try real far.) The winemakers have named their wines after the various states of a given relationship. (MATT: I wonder if there’s one called “Complicated” or, better yet, “Is What It Is”.)
Nikki wants to pass on the “Devotion”, as it stands for marriage. Brie,
however, makes her listen to the dude talk about the wine and how it
pertains to long-lasting love. But that isn’t enough: Brie needles her
again about how she knows she wants to be married. They get inside the
Barrel Room where the winemaker uses a giant suction glass to put wine
into the Bella’s glasses. He refers to it as “The Thief”. Brie: “I call
John a thief…the way he stole your life from you.” (MATT: It’s bad enough I have to sit through this shit. It’s worse that they get to drink wine and I am sitting here, sober.) Nikki decides to share Nattie’s problems with Brie and says Nattie is getting a divorce. (MATT: Marriage is just so awesome.)
Because of this, the Bellas decide the best way to help Nattie is to a)
buy a bottle of “Devotion” for her and b) invite her out to drink
tonight. Wine and drinking prevents divorce. You heard it here first. Is
this finally over? HELL NO! Now, we get the car ride back with Brie in
full “Brie Mode”. Brie calls Nattie and tells her they bought a bottle
of wine for her and that if she doesn’t like it, she will personally
punch Nattie and German Suplex her into “the Bourbon Street” floor. Then
they “fight”, flailing at each other. (MATT: I wonder if Vince is re-thinking those “Brie Mode” shirts…)

NAPA, CA

El Dorado Inn
Everyone
is there for the rehearsal dinner. Jon’s mom tells a story which
reveals that Jon met Eva Marie a little over a year ago. They did move
fast: he proposed after three months of dating, still they seem like one
of the happiest couples on the show.

Oenotri Restaurant
The twins have Nattie in their possession — and they brought TJ for some reason. (MATT: What is the logic here? This isn’t even close to being believable.) Tension is thick. Not only does Nattie seem to not want TJ there, (MATT: “Seem to”?!)
she points out that she doesn’t have her wedding ring on. Brie is as
drunk as fuck. Nattie makes TJ sit on the booth side with Brie. TJ and
Brie point out that they have wedding rings on, while Nattie and Nikki
don’t. Brie says that Nikki’s side will never be happily married. Nikki
has the bottle of Devotion wine with her. They also give them a “wine
cats” calendar they bought. Vinnie and Cameron show up. (MATT: This show…this fucking show…) Nattie says TJ reminds her of his Mom due to his dumb ass comments, to which TJ replies, “You remind me of your Dad.” (MATT: So, now we know TJ imagines banging Jim Neidhart when he’s fucking Nattie from behind. That’s disturbing.)
Nattie is furious and tells the camera that this is a horrible night:
everyone’s loaded and talking about her shitty relationship plus she
gets to argue with TJ. They get back in the car and it’s even more
fighting. At one point, someone asks if they should have a “final’ at
the hotel bar (MATT: Yes! Let’s have even MORE booze!) and Nattie agrees after she “kicks TJ’s ass”. She’s not supposed to care about him though, right?


SONOMA, CA

Meritage Hotel and Resort
It’s Eva Marie’s wedding day and her mother’s birthday so she gets a card and cries. (MATT: People are crying on this show? That’s new.)
TJ shows up in the lobby of the hotel in his suit and says Nattie is
permanently mad at him. Nattie shows up in a nice dress and says that
what happened last night cannot happen again. (MATT: Aaaaand then
they all board a bus and start drinking again. Nikki really helps out by
suggesting it’s time for “Brie Mode”. When ISN’T it time for Brie Mode?
And when is WWE gonna tell their employees that getting shit-faced
drunk probably isn’t the best thing considering their push on “health
and wellness”? That’s the first thing and secondly, at what point are
the Divas “taking over”? That’s the name of this fucking episode.
Nobody’s taken over anything. Did I miss something and they hijacked and occupied a nearby winery in a drunken haze?)
Nattie
drinks. Summer drinks. TJ drinks. Summer fires the first shot, saying
her and Nattie are “finally getting along”. TJ says that’s a new thing.
Nattie shoots daggers at him.

The Wedding
Everyone shows up, wearing their Sunday best. The groomsmen all high five Jon. (MATT: Totally radical, dude!) Eva Marie shows up for the wedding with very dark hair for her Dad. He is proud of her. (MATT: Then kinda nibbles her ear or something and it’s just kinda weird…)
He says the dress is gorgeous, which in a very slutty way it is. The
couple writes their own vows but Jon says she looked so amazing, he
feels like he got hit by a truck and couldn’t remember them. (MATT: And he’s not even drinking.) She mentions women find a man like their father and she says she found one. (MATT: Uh…) The officiant makes him pledge to love her even if she never becomes Divas Champion. They kiss and they’re married. (MATT: Then Rollins comes in with the briefca–oh, I did that joke already…)

Reception
Nattie’s pissed because, lo and behold, she’s sitting next to her husband. So, Nattie decides to do something about it. First, for some reason, she calls Cameron over to whine about it, then changes the seating charts with a fucking pen
so she won’t have to sit near TJ. Cameron tells her to relax but Nattie
won’t have it. Cameron bolts to the bar to get a drink. Nattie follows
her and gets a glass of wine which she then spills on her dress. (MATT:
You know, I’ve heard that Naomi and Summer are leaving the show after
the hiatus and are being replaced with Alicia Fox and Paige. Natalya
needs to go with Naomi and Summer.)

Meanwhile,
Brie and Nikki sit and assess the day. Brie says Eva looked like a Bella
Triplet with her hair. Nikki says “a long time ago”, she thought her
wedding spot would be a vineyard. (MATT: She wanted to get married like two weeks ago.) Brie’s not happy with this and says that she finds her entire situation with Cena to be “sad”.

Like
most brides, Eva changes her dress. She wears a black lace dress and
the black wig is off. She has her regular fire engine red hair showing
and proclaims that it’s time for “All Red Everything”. Everyone dances
and the Divas all grin ear to ear as they watch Eva dance with her Dad.
Photos are taken and everyone has a spectacular time.

Later
that night, Summer remarks to Nattie that she must hate TJ to want to
be near her. Nattie flashes back to her wedding day a little over a year
ago and says it makes her feel like crap. Nattie feels like a failure
and leaves the reception early. TJ doesn’t do a damn thing and just
watches her leave.

(MATT: And then we fly from Sonoma, er…wait…San Franci…no…fuck, what the hell?!)

(MATT: What does San Francisco have to do with ANYTHING?!)

PHOENIX, AZ

The Henry Restaurant
(MATT: And then we end up in goddamn Arizona.) JJ,
Brie and Mama Bella invite John to breakfast to talk to him about his
relationship with Nikki. John, sensing an ambush, asks if this is the
Last Supper. Mom jokes they can’t have wine. Brie orders Tequila for
some reason. This place doesn’t have mimosas? (MATT: They’re probably barred from intoxicating Brie any further.)
John says he was clear from their first date that certain things would
not happen and that the two of them agreed to these things. Not
satisfied, Brie says Nikki’s lying to herself and to John. John says he
feels like he’s being accused of manipulating Nikki. JJ says that
despite John loving Nikki, if he were in Cena’s position, he would let
her go and try to find someone will marry her. Brie says that when Nikki
was little, she wanted a large fairy tale wedding. (MATT: So, they’re intervening because Nikki said she wanted to be Cinderella the age of five? Are we fucking kidding here?) Cena
says he gets where they’re coming from and he’s not stopping Nikki. Mom
steps in and turns heel, slamming Brie and JJ’s intervention and saying
they can’t make Nikki have the life they want her to have. Brie says
it’s “not about JJ or her Mom’s opinions, it’s about what’s best for
Nicole”. (MATT: Wait…JJ and her Mom have differing opinions which are later gonna be forced on Nikki…I can’t even…) Cena says he understands where their opinions stem from.

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nicole’s House
John
asks how the wedding was. Nikki says it was great and how now she wants
to go to wine country every 6 months. He asks would she want to go by
herself and she says she would not. John says he’s not sure she knows
herself. He says he’s not sure he’s giving her a chance to get what she
wants out of life. He thinks she’s sacrificed too much for him and gets
her to admit that, ideally, she wants marriage and kids. He tells her if
you love something, you set it free. She wants to know if John is
letting her go.

And the show ends and shows previews of next season (MATT: And she gave up in two seconds. Right.) complete with two new Divas, Paige and Alicia Fox joining.

DANIELLE:

This week’s hug goes to…Eva’s Mom: Holy
shit. There is some weird, freaky shit going on in the Eva Marie
household. I’ve noticed that Eva’s Mom just kinda sits there with an
awkward look while her husband paws her daughter. It must have been even
more awkward for Eva to practically wear lingerie to her own wedding
and watch as her husband got too close to Eva yet again. I just have no idea…

This week’s punch goes to…John Cena: What
a guy. Besides the fact that the two star-crossed lovers already agreed
to be unmarried with no kids, John dumps Nikki because the Bella Family
knows what Nikki “wanted” when she was five years old. I hope they find
a unicorn for Nikki, too, because I’m pretty sure I wanted one of those
when I was five.

MATT:

This week’s hug goes to…Eva Marie: Her
story was a welcome refuge, which was ironic. It should have been the
biggest: her father is pretty much dying, she’s planning a nice, big
wedding in wine country, and she’s happy as hell. Instead, we get
bullshit Bella drama, Natalya losing her shit and John Cena mumbling
through a completely phony, scripted “break-up” that will be completely
undone by the next episode.

Most annoying cast member of the week is…everyone else: Where
the fuck do I begin? First, we have Natalya who has lost her fucking
mind in every single respect. It’s obvious the producers are shoving TJ
into every scene with her and it’s hard to sympathize with her plight
when TJ mumbles a couple words here and there and she’s ready to beat
him for it. Then we have Brie and Nikki who are alcoholics. No, they
are. The whole episode was Nikki and Brie getting plastered and letting
that dictate their decisions. Brie and JJ and Mommy getting together and
verbally harassing John Cena about a relationship they know nothing
about. Mom already backpedaling. John smirking his way through the whole
thing and dumping Nikki anyhow…I am so happy that this show went on a
hiatus because it’s gotten beyond ludicrous.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 9 – “Daddy’s Little Girl”

We’re back and we’ve actually got to recap the last two episodes before the hiatus. 
In our last episode, “Cross Country Catastrophe”, the Divas learned more about themselves and different relationship types.

  • Brie Bella learned her husband thought her spending was so excessive that he put a tracker on their joint bank account. (MATT: Because it was.)
    Not only did he learn she spent $400 to take her Mom, sister and
    brother out on her Mom’s birthday and $22 on coffee for herself and
    Nikki, he caller her immediately asking for explanations. (MATT: Totally not excessive to spend $22 bucks on a cup of coffee.)
    Cue “Every Breath You Take,” by The Police (which despite being about
    stalking finds itself featured in the playlists of clueless brides and
    grooms to this day).(MATT: No…they were under financial stress.
    Both of them were out of work and Bryan was healing from expensive
    surgery. His wife, who only thinks of herself, went on a spending binge
    with her sister cheering her on the entire way.)
  • Eva Marie learned Jon was a stopwatch-loving, (MATT: jet-flyin’) itinerary-planning, (MATT: limousine-ridin’) fun-killing (MATT: kiss-stealin’)
    bore when tasked with helping them and Cameron and Vincent move cross
    country. The pairs also learned the fights of one couple would start the
    other fighting as well.
  • Rosa Mendes should have learned men don’t choose desperate women for
    girlfriends after going through two men who never wanted to see her
    again (bringing her total to three for this season). Instead she decided
    she should hit on women and decided to follow her heart and try to
    start a relationship with a woman she met a week ago because, hey, why
    not?

WINTER PARK, FL

B Cupcakes
Rosa
and Nattie pick up cupcakes. They get into Rosa’s car and she confesses
she is a bad driver who lost one of her rear-view mirrors. Then she
proceeds to back out of her parking space and can’t because the lot is
the size of a toaster and she drives a gigantic gas-guzzling truck. (MATT:
She lightly dings one car and nearly backs into another and the only
thing that saves her is the proximity alarm on the car. And the whole
time, Nattie just sits there and laughs like she’s on a fucking
tilt-a-whirl.)
They eventually escape their blacktop prison and…that’s that.

TITLES.

(MATT: YAY! We’re back in “Concord” with Eva’s family!)

CONCORD, CA

Eva Marie’s Dad’s House
Eva
doesn’t know if her flower girls should wear red, or maybe white. Her
family teases her about if she will wear white. As a woman I’ve always
thought the women should only wear a white wedding dress as a sign of
purity/virginity thing was stupid. It’s 2014, let’s admit it, most
brides are not virgins on their wedding day. (MATT: Wait…you’re not?!)
Further, this isn’t even Eva’s true wedding, it’s a reenactment to keep
her family happy, grab gifts and boost ratings. Her wedding dress
color, therefore, should be irrelevant. She tells the camera she is so
happy her dad gets to give her away. To turn up the creepy quotient
early, Eva sits on her Dad’s lap while holding the family dog. Her Dad
cackles and says, “My two girls”. (MATT: On the bright side, he could
have made a “doggy style” joke, so I guess we lucked out and this isn’t
as creepy as we think it is…)

TAMPA, FL

John and Nicole’s House
The twins are relaxing at the pool in bikinis and drinking. Nikki says she has the Ultimate Brie Mode cup: a red Solo cup with a glass stem. (MATT: Boy, Brie’s sobriety vow last episode really meant something, didn’t it?)
Nikki has invited all her Diva friends over while John is away,
shooting a movie. Cameron shows up with a new car. She says she is a car
person and would have a Ferrari if she could but, when pressed by
Nikki, says she’d rather have a house than a sports car. (MATT: She can’t have both?!)
Nikki says she will start looking for listings for her immediately.
Nikki gives them a tour of their place, which includes a viewing of one
of her luxury bags. Natalya remarks that she liked the one she got for
her birthday and that they “put Gizmo’s ashes in it”. (MATT: “We need a receptacle for our dead cat’s ashes…let’s just shove them in this Gucci thing Nikki gave us.”) Cameron
tells the camera she would love a place like Cena’s but, realistically,
she has to “bring it down a bit” and that would entail having “four
bedrooms and three baths, a pool, a patio, and a nice fireplace.” (MATT: Is that all?) Here’s hoping she’s saved a lot of cash.

Kim Kaszuba, Divorce Attorney
Nattie
is dressed like she’s going clubbing, the lace and nude look, and with
her is a sullen TJ. They fight on their way to the office. The attorney
says they probably didn’t want to be in a divorce office early in the
morning. TJ tries to make light of things and quips that they probably
don’t see a lot of happy people. Kim tells them divorce litigation can
cost thousands of dollars. The other attorney tells them animals are
treated like property to be divided up at the time of divorce. Nattie
wants to know how to divide the cats up. TJ: “Chop one up, obviously.” (MATT: Oh…no…) The thought of them having to divide their three cats may be what it takes to convince them to stay together. (MATT: What about Gizmo’s Gucci-wrapped ashes?)

SAN ANTONIO, TX

Citrus – Restaurant
Bella twins are eating with Eva and Nattie. Eva laments that she can’t pull off a tan with a white dress. (MATT: But did it anyhow. Silly Eva.)
She tells them about her dad’s recurrent cancer and how she wants him
at the wedding. Brie recounts how special it was to have her father (the
deadbeat, you’ll remember, who walked out on them when she was 15.).
She relates how Bryan regrets spending so much time with WWE and so
little with his Dad who recently passed away. Eva Marie excuses herself,
probably to deal with the heavy emotions.

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW – AUSTIN, TX

Backstage
The twins pass randomly pass JoJo and call out to her, then fake like they miss her. (MATT: An odd scene. Like watching a Bigfoot sighting where Bigfoot is cool with the people walking by.) The twins come to see Eva Marie. The Bellas say they just happened to wear the same color pink dress – it’s a twin thing. (MATT: This, despite the fact that they’ve hardly done this throughout the series.)
Brie comes to commiserate with her over her dad but Eva thinks she
doesn’t need to deal with it and that it’s weird and inappropriate for
her to bring it up there. (MATT: Yeah, inappropriately bring it up at an arbitrary restaurant instead.)
She walks off and they call her Jessica Rabbit. Brie’s, like,
toooootally confused as to what just happened. Nikki says that Eva needs
to deal with her Dad’s issues in her own fashion. Anyhow, whatever.
Nikki wants a cookie. Brie says that they’re on a diet (MATT: AGAIN?! WHY?) and that they can only look at the cookies. We get Nikki’s “Look But Can’t Touch” theme music to play out the segment.


Ringside
The Bellas come to the ring for the Stephanie
McMahon vs. Brie Bella contract signing for the match at SummerSlam. To
recap, HHH and Stephanie attack the Bellas. Steph hits a Pedigree on
Brie.

TAMPA, FL

Nattie and TJ’s House
Nattie
calls the cats and say they want to be with her. She tells the camera
they are sleeping in separate bedrooms and pretty much living as
roommates. She says it is the best and cheapest thing to do. They fight
over who will get what things in the divorce and she asks why he thinks
he can just demand to have everything. He says, “Because you’re doing
the same.” He says during the weeks she spent in a hotel she didn’t care
about them (him and the cats). He teases her, and tells her to relax
and she breaks down in tears.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Nikki’s Car
Nikki is taking Cameron house-hunting. Nikki offers Cameron Vodka to calm her before they look at houses. (MATT: What kind of real estate business is she running?)
She tells the camera she thinks her price range is $1 million. Nikki
tells her that Mulholland Drive is the hot ticket section of L.A. and
that Cameron will look good driving through the hills in her Ferrari. (MATT: When she isn’t screaming in total frustration at the Los Angeles traffic, that is.) They
get to the first house to see, it is amazing with lots of huge windows.
The asking price, however, is $3 million dollars. Nikki says it’s a
great deal for the area. She tells the camera that this is her strategy,
next she will show Cameron a house that may not have everything she
wanted in it, but the price will be right. (MATT: So the strategy is to taunt your client with an arbitrary house way out of their price range, then show them something else?)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Bryan’s House
Brie
tells Bryan how Eva’s dad has been battling cancer for 16 years. She
recounts how she pulled Eva aside to try to offer a listening ear and
Eva declined. He wisely tells her that everyone handles everything in
their own way. Brie asks if she should throw a bridal shower for her.
She asks for theme ideas and he facetiously suggests The Transformers. (MATT: Hahahahahahaha! Let’s go look at cookies we can’t have…)
She said that is a better bachelor party theme. He claims Dean Ambrose
wanted to throw him a bachelor party and she said no. Brie says it’s
because Dean wanted to take him to a strip club to get motorboarded. (MATT: That isn’t possible. That is just not possible for a stripper to motorboat Daniel Bryan. I don’t want to think about this anymore, actually.) Was this plot contrivance? (MATT: This might be a weak shout-out to a meme that originated when a fan snapped a pic of Dean’s wristband at a house show. The tape on his wrists said, “Titty Master”. Also, that “party” could have been an awesome episode.) 

SHERMAN OAKS, CA

Second House
Cameron
asks right off what the price is and it’s closer to her budget, but
still over a million by about $400K. Still, they go see the house. She
says it is perfect and wants Vincent to come see it. 

TAMPA, FL

Nattie and TJ’s House
Naomi is over for dinner and Nattie can’t wait for her to meet one of her cats. (MATT: Oh, great, Naomi’s mediating now?)
They toast to “struggling” with champagne. They compare notes on how
much they hate chores. Nattie complains that TJ didn’t do laundry, brush
out the cat’s tail, etc. TJ enters and Nattie immediately pounces on
him about forgetting the laundry. (MATT: I wonder what they made for dinner…)
Nattie puts TJ’s laundry out on the lawn. Naomi’s stunned and picks up
the laundry, bringing it back inside. TJ and Naomi talk. Naomi admits
when she was in developmental and her husband was on the road, they
would fight a lot. TJ says they’ve been on different schedules before.
Nattie tells him they were having a girl’s night, so he should just get
his ass back in his room. (MATT: Imagine a guy saying this to a woman.) Tyson does it without question. He should have left for a hotel this time. (MATT: He should be packing and leaving, period.)

SHERMAN OAKS, CA

Second House – Second Visit w/ Vincent
Cameron
says there are 6 bedrooms and Vincent says that’ s a lot for him to
clean when she’s gone. He says it’s like buying a car that’s
fully-loaded. Vincent says he’s in love with the house (as he sits fully
clothed in the empty bathroom jacuzzi) but the asking price scares him.
He says they need to talk about things.

OAKLAND, CA

Oakland International Airport
Eva
Marie picks up Jon who will be coming with her on the road for a
change. Eva tells Jon about the Bellas approaching her about her Dad. He thinks maybe she should assess the situation with her Dad.
In keeping with the tradition of this show’s abusive relationships, she
tells him to fuck off because the situation isn’t that bad. What is it
with this show? just a few episodes before she wanted a Catholic wedding
because her dad was practically ready to climb into his own coffin and
now, since non-family members are discussing it, she’s confident he’s
going to have a miraculous and full recovery?


LOS ANGELES, CA

Restaurant
Cameron and Vincent meet with Nikki to put in a good offer for the house. Cameron has (MATT: …sucked Vinnie off…) convinced Vinnie that the house is a good idea. (MATT: Same thing.) Nikki
says there are many offers so she thinks she should put in a full $1.4
million. Vinnie and Cameron go off to talk, Cameron is bummed as Vinnie
thought she would bring them a deal closer to $1.1 Million. Vincent
comes up with the brilliant idea of asking Nikki to give up her entire
commission so they can afford it. (MATT: Awesome idea. And when that falls through, I’m sure you could ask Nikki to lend you the $1.4 million.)
Cameron says as she would be their first buyer would she be willing to
take half or no commission. She says its business and not personal and
Nikki said she thought that, with Vincent’s job, they could afford this
home. Right on cue: champagne, a major plot point in this episode, it
seems, is brought to the table. But Cameron’s not happy with the deal
and they storm off, leaving champagne on the table. (MATT: Man! They didn’t even get to toast to their “struggles”!)
They should at least have downed the champagne first. Nikki follows
them out asking if everything is OK. Cameron says she will find another
relator. Nikki says they wasted her time. (MATT: Agent, bye!)

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW – RICHMOND, VA

Backstage
Brie
approaches Jon about her throwing Eva a bridal shower.  Jon thinks that
is a wonderful idea as Eva’s stressed over her Dad. He says he will do
whatever he needs to, to help.

Ringside
Eva
Marie takes on AJ (Divas Champion at the time). Eva seems to be holding
her own and manages to put AJ in a backbreaker, Still, the editors are
bored with the match and we cut backstage.

Backstage
Nikki
goes to talk to Cameron. She apologizes for showing them such expensive
houses. Cameron says if Nikki wasn’t dating Cena, she wouldn’t have
such nice things. She says she can’t afford a house right now. They make
up and their friendship seems back on track. (MATT: What the fuck was the point of the whole “house-hunting” plotline then?! Did Cameron think she’d get a house for free?

TAMPA, FL

TJ and Nattie’s House
Nattie’s doing dishes. TJ won’t help with the laundry. (MATT: How is this still an issue?)
She says she will do both. He says he’s surprised she didn’t throw the
dishes on the lawn. She says that she’s had enough. TJ: “YOU’VE had enough?!”
Defeated he goes to his room to pack. He’s finally leaving so they will
stop fighting. She tells the camera she is relieved. What? She travels
all the time, his career is DOA and he’s moving out (albeit
temporarily)? (MATT: Would you wanna live in that house like that?)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Biltmore Hotel  
Eva
comes to the hotel under the pretense that she’s meeting with Brie
about planning her wedding. She’s shocked to be at her surprise tea
bridal shower. (MATT: TEA MODE!!!) Ironically, she is wearing a
white dress. Even her mom, Josie, Summer Rae and Jon are there. Jon
shows up with an Esther Gallant ring for her upgrade, to which Eva reacts with a tepid, “My heart is, like…beating.(MATT: That’s our Eva!) Brie and Eva make up. Eva
tells her Mom that she doesn’t want to be in the dark about her Dad’s
condition. Josie says Eva should call her dad every day, even if it’s
just five minutes. She decides her Dad needs to level with her. She
calls and tells him she is there for him for moral support. She hopes he
can open up to her more. At one point, she says she doesn’t want to
have to hop on a plane and go and spank him. What? I cannot wait to hear
Matt’s (and our reader’s reactions) to this. He says he likes spankings
and her Mom will tell her so. Way TMI. He laughs sounding like the combination of a person using an electronic voice box and The Penguin. (MATT: I’m not sure what was creepier: the suggestion of the spanking or her Dad’s weird maniacal laughter.)

MONDAY NIGHT RAW – HONDA CENTER IN ANAHEIM, CA

Backstage
Nattie
finds TJ joking with some staff backstage. She tells him he’s been off
main roster for over a year and now he’s here at work embarrassing her.
Is she going to put him out on the lawn? (MATT: Maybe toast to his struggles with champagne?)
She asks why he is there. He says he’s under contract and he didn’t
plan on seeing her backstage. Nikki tries to coax Nattie to walk away
but she won’t go. They keep fighting and finally Nattie and Nikki walk
away.

Weekly Wrap-Up


DANIELLE

This week’s hug goes to – Brie. She
meant well when trying to get Eva Marie to talk about her Dad and while
their own situation was very different, she did show empathy in how the
father-daughter dynamic gets magnified on your wedding day. Then,
without Eva Marie even saying she was sorry for the attitude she gave
Brie (who did mean well), she organized a touching and beautiful bridal
shower.

This week’s punch goes to – Cameron and Nattie (tie). Both
of these Divas were total brats this week. Cameron wanted her boyfriend
to fall in love with the house before he knew how much it cost. Then
she wanted Nikki to take half or better yet no commission so they could
save six months in payments, screwing her out of her first real estate
commission. Nattie argued with TJ about everything told him to go to his
room like he was 6 and yelled at him for being backstage at RAW. They
should divorce, now. Perhaps with next week being the season finale,
they will announce that they are divorcing.

MATT

This week’s hug goes to – Tyson. Ho.
Lee. Shit. This is either a spectacular editing job or Natalya is a
complete and total head case. This was the first time I’ve seen Tyson in
a sympathetic light and, wow. His current character on TV is almost
justified. Almost.

Annoying Diva of the Week – Natalya. See
above. The nagging, the childish tantrums, the incessant yelling for no
reason, the hypocrisy, the demanding behavior…she made Nikki Bella
look like a princess in comparison.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 8 – “Cross Country Catastrophe”

Last week, E! made life interesting and miserable for Matt and I by
airing two episodes, back to back. This week, they learned from their
experience — and did it again because fuck us.

Last week’s episode, (“The Double Cross”), the Divas had some more unreasonable actions of their own including:

  • Rosa lamented how she hadn’t had a boyfriend or sex in a year. She
    met former football player Gary Barnbridge, and scores two dates, both
    of which were pretty disasterous. From discussing diets on date one, to
    using date two to explain that a man had to treat her like a queen,
    while she would withhold sex till they were official and in love, he
    ended up calling it a night and ending it. Summer Rae scored a date with
    him because, hey, there’s a man shortage, haven’t you heard?
  • John Cena and Nikki are both involved with movie projects. The Bella
    Twins had roles playing vapid twins, which is a real stretch, I know.
    We saw the couple at the premiere — complete with many empty seats.
    John, who was in the middle of filming his movie, hadn’t told Nikki that
    he had to perform a sex scene and, when he finally caved and told her
    (after aggressively asking if she’d do one), Nikki loses it. Her beef
    was essentially this: Cena’s cheating on her by doing the scene and he’d
    have to pick the role or pick her. (MATT: Despite the fact that she made out with Daniel Bryan while they were dating — but forget about that.)
    Somehow, he talked her into realizing it wasn’t that bad of a thing to
    have in his movie especially as you only see his bare butt, and another
    relationship continues long past when it should end.
  • Nattie stayed in New York a day longer than needed for work and told
    her husband it was to shop. However, she spent time with fellow
    wrestler Darren Young which the paparazzi called a date. When they asked
    how TJ was, Nattie joked that they “weren’t divorced yet”. TJ was
    understandably outraged that Nattie could have made a joke about that
    and confronted her, with Nattie ending up in the bedroom, upset over
    another fight.

Will Matt and I get upset and end up in a fight over this episode? Let’s find out!

WWE Backstage
Nattie is telling the twins that her tire blew out on the way to their last show. (MATT: 20 seconds in, Nattie’s already suffered for all our sins. That’s gotta be a record.)
Brie one-ups Nattie because she hasn’t suffered enough: Brie and Bryan
were robbed. The robbers were home when they got home. Brie called 911,
Bryan chased the robbers, caught one and put him in a choke hold. (MATT: All true. Kinda like David Copperfield’s “slight of hand” when a thief thought he was stealing his wallet.) Wait, he’s so injured he can’t hang a 5 lb photo, but he can take down a robber with a choke hold? (MATT: GOOGLE DOESN’T LIE! ALL THOSE RKO-OUT-OF-NOWHERE VIDEOS ARE REAL, TOO!!!) Nikki tops off this Dick Sundae, saying they robbed the wrong house because “the only diamond they own is on Brie’s finger”. (MATT: And Nikki is already on the Annoying Diva List…)

Titles.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ

Daniel and Brie’s House
Brie gets a call from WWE Talent Relations guy, Mark Carrano. They’re both invited to the Teen Choice Awards. (MATT: The Easy Bake Oven of award shows, though slightly better than the MTV Movie Awards…which isn’t saying much.)
She’s thrilled as she usually goes with Nikki. The fact that she’s been
invited with her husband makes it extra special. She wants him to
high-five her for the fact they have to shop for something and he
refuses. Brie tells the camera that “everyone wants to see what you wear
on the Red Carpet. (MATT: No…no…that’s the Oscars. People wear jeans and t-shirts for this show…but, then, this is a woman who thought a seal was a fish, so…)
He says neither of them needs a new outfit for this as they have plenty
of clothes. No fashion designer would lend Brie and outfit for the
publicity? He looks through her closet and points out things she could
wear and she rebukes them all, as she’s “worn them before”. She says he
buys too many things on Amazon. “Like books”. (MATT: And she needs to buy more shit from Amazon. Like books.)

ORLANDO, FL

Eva Marie and Jon’s Apartment
Jon
is complaining that he’s had to move multiple times for her. She asks
if he’s excited that Cameron and Vincent will be doing a couple’s trip
with them as part of the move process. Given the title of this episode,
it’s clear things will not go well. Eva wants him to fix her shoes, he
asks if he looks like a cobbler, a term she has never heard of. (MATT: Not even cobblers use the term, “cobbler”. Eva Marie is forgiven, k? Cuz she’s hot.)

TAMPA, FL

Boing Jump Center
Rosa meets Chad, her “date to take her mind of Gary”. (MATT: Take her mind off him? They went on two short dates and talked about food the entire time.)
Gary isn’t texting her back (since he’s seeing Summer, as you might
recall). He’s a model and she met him online. This won’t go well. (MATT: Yes, let the cynicism flow through you…)
They’re at a trampoline gym, which looks like a lot of of fun. He
reveals he’s 23 and she says he’s so mature, to which he replies, “I took you to a trampoline bounce house.” Chad reveals he’s a Christian and she says she’s one, too. (MATT: Acquiesce Theater right here.) She
says she never dated one before as her appearance tends not to be the
type to attract fellow Christians. She says that “sharing your body with
somebody that doesn’t have God in them [isn’t right].” (MATT: Like that’s stopped her before.) She
feels sparks — but, due to his beliefs, he’s waiting for marriage to
have sex. She tells him she loves that, but she tells the camera she
can’t wait that long. (MATT: All the Atheists breathe a sigh of relief.)

ORLANDO, FL

Eva’s car
Eva
and Cameron go to pick up their trailer. Eva states that she has never
driven one before and hopes she doesn’t hit anything. Cameron rides on
the hitch and in the pickup part but finally gets in the truck. Finally
Eva Marie puts the trailer over the sidewalk, parks it over the curb,
thenhits a tree with her truck. Eva and Cameron laugh, hysterically.
Cameron checks out the damage, actually working in her dumb catchphrase,
“Girl, bye” when she does it. (MATT: “The potential for vehicular manslaughter is sooooo funny!”) Cameron says she’s worries about getting on the highway.

TAMPA, FL

117 South Restaurant
The
twins are celebrating their mom, Kathy’s birthday with her and JJ. It
is her 50th birthday and, while she did not get her mom a gift, (lame)
she decides she will pick up the check for all of them. (Considering
Rosa’s apparent fetish for hitting on women who are having
their birthdays, I’m half surprised Rosa didn’t pop out of a cake when
dessert came). (MATT: The scene is young.) As they are walking
out of the restaurant, Brie gets a call from Daniel who received an
alert that she spent $400 at dinner using their joint bank account. (MATT: Wait, wait, wait…what happened with Rosa and the birthday cake?) Brie says she doesn’t know if “bank texts are real”. (MATT: Doesn’t know? How could she not know?) Brie
is outraged. Daniel says taking her Mom out for a birthday is fine but
$400 bucks is too much to spend. He reminds her they agreed to talk
about those kinds of things first. Nikki calls for her to get in the car. She’s driving. And she’s slurring, drunkenly. (MATT: Yup, she’s racking up the Annoying Diva charges.)

CLEVELAND, OH for Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Stephanie
McMahon comes to talk to the Divas along with the company’s charity
representative. Steph mentions October being breast cancer month and
that they will have the Divas represent Susan G. Komen. She tells them
having a mammogram doesn’t really hurt, it just flattens your boob like a
pancake and they take a lot harder things in the ring. She doesn’t
really elaborate on what they will do for the charity, my guess is
making some sort of mammogram commercials.

Ringside
Summer
Rae is fighting a mixed tag team match with Adam Rose against Fandango
and Layla. Michael Cole refreshes us on the then-storyline: Summer got
dumped by Fandango via Twitter and JBL feels that is a fair use of the
medium. Summer Rae tussles with Layla and then chases Layla out of the
ring.

Backstage
Gary comes to see Summer.
Summer tells the camera that while Rosa dated him first, they didn’t
seem to have chemistry and, if Rosa was really her friend, she’d
understand if things worked out between the two of them. She finds out
his seats are right near the Spanish Announce table. Rosa is stunned to
see Gary is there. Rosa says on camera that she is so heated, her skin
is boiling. (MATT: That’s just “God inside you”.) She pulls Summer aside to talk.

Rosa
is furious. Summer had told her not to text Gary to let him be a man.
Summer says it’s not that bad as she’s not dating him and he’s not into
her. (MATT: If what I’m watching is real, then the fact that everyone
has to point out the blatantly obvious on this show just reinforces the
notion that every single person on this show is a goddamn moron.)

Rosa says she lied by not saying she was dating him. Rosa feels very
betrayed by Summer, saying that it’s supposed to be “chicks before
dicks”. Summer questions whether Rosa should even be dating at this
stage. They exchange words and Rosa storms off after saying she wants to
punch Summer in the face. (MATT: I don’t want to but Rosa should probably get in line behind the thousands of women who’d like to.) Summer tells her, “That’s not part of your program”, obviously referencing Rosa’s trip through AA.

Restaurant
Nattie is telling the Divas that a cat peed in the guest room. (MATT: If Nattie ends up with stigmata at the end of the show, I wouldn’t shocked.) Brie
complains about how “hard it is having combined bank accounts”. Nikki
says he’s checking her spending. Brie says that Bryan won’t let her get a
new dress and wants her to wear something she “already wore”. (MATT: Life is so hard for the Bellas.) Nattie
says there’s only so much you can do with a dress. Presumably WWE pays
for their accommodations, if for no other reason then to know for sure
what hotel they are in, not sure about rental cars, but they don’t have
different costumes for every event. How much could they possibly be
spending on hair and makeup that presumably is done for them by WWE
employees? Brie says it’s not that she wants to spend money it’s that
she has to. (MATT: No…she wants to spend money on a dress. She doesn’t have to spend it.)

ORLANDO, FL

Jon and Eva Marie’s House
Vincent’s flight got delayed, so it screwed up their schedule. Jon made color-coded itineraries for everyone. Cameron
says she feels like she’s at work. Eva Marie picks on the fact that he
budgeted 5 minutes for a gas and bathroom break and asks if he will use a
stopwatch as a joke. He says she didn’t contribute to this (though she
did pick up the U-Haul) (MATT: And crashed it, so I’d say that disqualifies her.).
Cameron suggests they throw a few things down to the ground to have fun
and so they do – dropping several boxes and even the mattress. (MATT: Wwwwwwhy…?) Surprisingly, nothing seems to break.

TAMPA, FL

Couture Boutique
The
Bella Twins are shopping at a vintage boutique. They try on dresses: a
gorgeous purple wrap dress for Nikki and Brie tries a yellow Dolce
Gabanna dress with flowers, it’s cute but I wouldn’t wear it. Brie wants
Nikki to buy it so Daniel won’t know it’s new. Nikki agrees to it. (MATT: If I asked my brother to spend thousands on something I didn’t need, I’d get laughed at.)

ORLANDO, FL

Airport
Vincent
finally makes it in. No one is happy to see the itineraries —
especially with the 6 AM start time each day. The boys sit in the front,
the girls in back. Cameron is singing a cheerleader-like chant but,
when Eva Marie asks if she was a cheerleader, she says no. I know she is
thinking of a cheerleader at a school level, but as a Funkadactyl she
certainly was one of sort.

Paquette’s Tractors/Museum
They pull in to sight see. (MATT: Seriously, I have nothing.) This was on Jon’s itineraries really? Everyone is having fun, (MATT: HOW?!) but Jon tries to get them to leave. Finally, he convinces them to leave. (MATT: Well, now…wasn’t that worth 90 seconds of your time?)

ORLANDO, FL


The Grind (Coffee Shop)
The twins are getting drinks at a
coffee shop. Brie gets a call from Daniel asking what The Grind is. Is
he getting alerts for every cent she spends? He’s asking why she spend
$22 on coffee? (MATT: That goddamn drink better be mowing my lawn for $22 dollars.) Nikki says that Brie works hard for her money, so she should be able to spend it as she wants. (MATT: Says the healthy person living off Cena.) Nikki says such monitoring is only needed when someone is addicted to shopping and she is not. (MATT: $400 on dinner, thousands on a dress $22 on coffee — and that’s just what we have witnessed.)
Brie tells the camera that she’s fed up with her husband calling her
about spending “a dollar” and says it makes her feel like her husband
doesn’t trust her. (MATT: “A dollar”, which paid for all of the above?)

ON THE ROAD

U-Haul
They
are not on a schedule and don’t have a hotel room in the town they are
in. Jon says they should go to Mobile, AL but every room is sold out via
Cameron’s phone. (MATT: …aaaaand, it’s a horror film, now.) Cameron
calls a hotel that, of course, only has one room available. Cameron
asks the camera how they’re all gonna “fit in one bed”. (MATT: I just became very interested…) The
clerk will leave them directions in a lock box to their room. Jon says
they will be out in the middle of nowhere and will probably get
murdered. (MATT: …aaaaaand…it’s meta-horror?)

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant
Rosa
tells the camera she is on the prowl for “the one”. She sees her date,
Nate, and tries to sneak up on him, but he isn’t startled. He admires
her watch and they laugh that they both have the wrong time on their
watches. Rosa, who has obviously learned nothing from losing Gary, asks
him what he is looking for, less than five minutes into the date. Nate says he’s looking for fun, which in my guy-to-gal dictionary means “come join my harem if you can hang”. (MATT: Then, she tells him that she’s “horny”. This is off to a great start.) After
food arrives, she tells him she’s sober, feels his muscles and feeds
him. He says his turns offs are forward women, which means he should be
asking for the check soon a’la Gary-style. Rosa complains to the camera
she’s giving him sex eyes and can’t win. I don’t think she knows what
the hell she wants. (MATT: You can’t say you’re looking for “the one”
and then practically hump the dude’s leg during dinner. This is the
kinda Jekyll/Hyde character bullshit I’m talking about with this show.)

ON THE ROAD

Alabama State Sign
Vincent
says he feels sick, Eva and Vincent blame the gas station burritos he
had as Jon wouldn’t let them stop at a sit down place for food due to
wanting to keep to a schedule.

The Shephard House
Our travelers come to their destination: a hotel that they facetiously call “The Haunted Mansion”. (MATT: The Haunted Mansion is more hospitable.)
They see rocking chairs on the porce and, immediately, denounce that as
“creepy”. The place is huge and their room has no shower (just a tub).
There is only one bed. They joke the men will sleep on the outside and
the women on the inside. They make jokes about murderers getting them
while they sleep. (MATT: IT’S A VICTORIAN-STYLE BED & BREAKFAST! GET A FUCKING GRIP!!!)

WASHINGTON, DC

Nattie and Rosa’s Rental Car
Rosa
is lamenting that she hasn’t heard from Nate and says that maybe she
came on too strong. Nattie tells her to take it slow, after all she and
TJ didn’t get married for more than a decade after they started dating.
Even then, they don’t have a perfect marriage. (MATT: That’s reassuring.)

MOBILE, AL

The Shephard House
Jon wakes up and tells everyone they must get out on the road as their schedule is off.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Daniel and Brie’s hotel room
Brie
shows the yellow dress to her husband and says she made Nikki buy it
for her as he was so concerned that she spends too much. (MATT: Guilt Trip Mo–er, BRIE MODE!)
She says she is careful with money and always has a plan and he
disagrees with her statement. She says she needed to have a new outfit
for the red carpet. He says that is the stupidest thing he’s ever heard
of. The dress just does not say red carpet to me. (MATT: This whole storyline says “spoiled brat” to me.)

Teen Choice Awards – Red carpet
Brie is interviewed and gets to say she is wearing vintage Dolce Gabanna. (MATT: And nobody of note cares.) Daniel is wearing a regular shirt. in their rental car. (MATT: You mean “ONE FROM HIS CLOSET THAT HE’S ALREADY WORN???)
Daniel says he kind of gets that dresses are important for her
branding. He says he’s not always the one in the right — maybe 95%. And
they joked their way out of a fight, love it. (MATT: And another important marital issue is swept under the rug! Awwww…)

ON THE ROAD

Truck Stop
Jon
and Eva Marie argue as they are buying souvenirs in the truck stop and
he wants to round people up. He says she didn’t do anything for the move
besides throw some boxes. She walks off to find the rest to get
everyone ready to go.

RICHMOND, VA

Lesbian Bar
Sick of not being able to connect with men, Rosa decides to take Nattie to a lesbian bar. (MATT: WHAT?! Didn’t Nattie tell her to fuck off and not try this shit TWO EPISODES AGO???) Nattie tells the camera that Rosa should not even be in a bar. Rosa kisses another woman in front of Nattie. (MATT: And it’s like watching Biff Tannen trying to kiss Lorraine in Back to the Future Part II.) Nattie talks to a girl about vitamins while Rosa flirts. (MATT: This does not shock me. Seriously.) Nattie tells Rosa to keep the “mouse in the house”. Rosa says she will but implies she will still kiss other girls. (MATT: This wouldn’t turn on a 7th-grade Sex Ed class.)

NORTH TEXAS

U-Haul
Eva
yells at Jon for sighing under his breath. Eva says he’s being passive
aggressive. Cameron tells them to be calm and Vinnie yells at her for
butting in. Soon, Vinnie and Cameron are arguing. (MATT: Is it me, or are all the men on this show controlling, misogynist dickheads?)

SAN ANTONIO, TX

Restaurant
Eva Marie and Jon are arguing as they sit together at a table for two. (MATT: Can we stop the episode so I can leap off here or…?) He
says they should get rid of the U-Haul and hire movers and take flights
to get to where they are going. Jon said he knew that was going to
happen. (MATT: Why they even tried this in the first place is beyond me.)

U-Haul
Jon apologizes to everyone in the car. Eva tells everyone that it’s quitting time. They all make up. That was quick.

RICHMOND, VA

Nattie and Rosa’s Hotel Room
Nattie
asks what last night was about. Nattie went home early and Rosa stayed
out till 5 am. Nattie tells the camera she is worried about Rosa
relapsing. Rosa says she’s more into guys, but she has been with women
before. She claims she’s freaked out by guys and every relationship
she’s been in has had abuse and pain in it. Nattie says some people in
her life have had substance abuse problems and they are trying to fill a
void with drugs. Nattie says the most important thing in life is a
human connection, more important than money, a championship, so if she
connected with that woman she kissed, so be it. Nattie agrees the woman
has a nice rack, Rosa says she also had a nice butt and that she will
call her. (MATT: 59 minutes into the show, and we finally have something compelling to watch.)

Weekly Wrap-Up


Danielle

This week’s hug goes to: Brie –
She loves her husband, but she has to hide her spending from him as
he’s literally tracking every purchase she makes. That’s just sick. Matt
and I have a joint bank account, also, but we don’t track each other
like cyber stalkers. Prudent couples trust each other – and realize some
discretionary free spending should be encouraged.

This week’s punches go to: Daniel and Jon (tie) (for
the first time ever both to husbands of Divas and none to Divas) – both
micromanaged and control freaked their way through this episode, both
need to trust their wives and let them be who they are instead of
micromanaging them. Daniel needs to let her have some free spending
money, especially when she’s primary wage earner now. Jon needed to
recognize that a road trip is supposed to be fun and with three people
wanting to have fun on the trip, he should have just relaxed and let it
be fun for all of them, himself included.

Matt

This week’s hug goes to: Rosa – This
was process of elimination, really. Rosa’s “hunt for the one”, as silly
as it is, was the emotional anchor and managed to give us the only
thing worth watching on the show. I know people like her and it’s kinda
sad to see them collapsing. The thing is, she’s 100 percent correct at
the end: it doesn’t matter where you get your fix as long as you’re not
doing damage to yourself or anyone else. That’s your lesson for today,
boys and girls. Look for WWE to shit all over it somehow in the next ep.

Annoying Cast Member of the Week: The Bella Twins – Nikki
started high the list and, really, including her in this might not seem
fair…but it’s more than warranted. These two are spoiled goddamn
brats. You can’t wear a fucking dress you’ve “already worn” that’s “from
your closet”?! Say it ain’t so! I’ve got, maybe, a dozen nice shirts
and two suits. That’s it. Would I like something nicer? Sure. CAN I? No.
WHY? I can’t fucking afford it. Danielle said, above, that we have a
joint account and that’s true. We also communicate and approve purchases
and work them into our budgets. Watching Brie just drop loads of cash
with her husband questioning her every step of the way is warranted.
When I was married, my wife used to do the same and it was something
that I realized, after our divorce, she was 100 percent correct about. I
was stupid for going out and living beyond our means and watching this
and watching the Bellas pout, pathetically, about not using dresses when
they have about 700 to choose from in their closets is fucking garbage.
And not to be a Fake Concern Troll here, but there are people who don’t
have the benefit of wealth, so seeing Nikki turn her high maintenance
nose up and approving of her sister’s behavior automatically reserves a
spot on this list right next to Brie. I mean, I’m not even mentioning
the drunk driving or her insulting her own sister over the “only diamond
she owns”. Let’s just stop here.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 7 – “The Double Cross”

Welcome back for the second half of our Total Divas Doubleheader. (MATT: NOT a euphemism.)
Last episode, of course, was dedicated to Eva Marie and Jon’s
bachelor/ette party in Curacao, Mexico. In this episode, we got to see
differences in how our group of Divas had fun and celebrated.

  • To Nattie, such a getaway meant a good time to get away and have a
    romantic time reconnecting with her husband. Unfortunately, TJ’s concept
    of romance and connection was feeding ostriches at a farm and not
    banging the shit out of her when she brought up the idea. (MATT: Let that sink in for a moment: he actually researched things to do in Curacao and chose to visit an Ostrich Farm.)
  • Brie lost her luggage and had to make do with her sister’s clothing
    and persistent badgering. She did drink some but, for the most part,
    wanted to think about her husband at home and how to decorate that home.
    Nikki kept lamenting the loss of her sister (or rather the loss of her
    sister as her co-conspirator in getting drunk and acting silly) and may
    have made some personal growth in recognizing they are just very
    different women who (as Nikki said herself in the first season) she
    wouldn’t be friends with if they weren’t sisters.
  • Cameron, as usual, didn’t have much time for Vincent, though she did
    want to drag him away on this excursion. Though she barely spent time
    with him on the vacation, she did decide to house hunt with him after he
    made his feelings about their relationship known. Since Nikki is the
    only real estate agent they know (plot contrivance), she asked Nikki to
    be her realtor.

And, now…part 2 of our Divas Doubleheader…still booze-free…

TAMPA, FL

Natty and Rosa’s Rental Car
The ladies refuse help from the hotel valets with their luggage as they’re “strong girls”. (MATT: Rosa uses two hands and barely gets her case into the car. STRONG!)
They also don’t appear to tip, maybe they realized they forgot to get
cash for such occassions, which happens to me all the time as I usually
pay for things with a debit card. Natalya hears a buzzing sound coming
from Rosa’s bag. She turns 4 shades of red and says it’s her “electric
toothbrush”. Nattie tells Rosa to pull over so they can investigate.
Natty pulls out Rosa’s vibrator which Rosa says she “used this morning”.
(MATT: That makes it all better.) Natty, who is in Prude Mode (MATT: Doesn’t want to know that she masturbates like every other woman on the planet?)
following her horny streak in Curacao, declares that this is “too
intense” and says she “doesn’t need to know this much about her”.  She
asks for a baby wipe but Rosa claims she “washed it”. (MATT: Every
single week, I say, “Maybe I’ll be surprised and Total Divas will be
good. Every single week, I do this. Why do I do it? Why? WHY???)

Titles.

TAMPA, FL


John and Nikki’s House
Nikki is excited for the movie she’s
in called, “Confessions of a Womanizer”. John jokes he has a small
part, she says he does not. (MATT: They are talking about penises…right?)

Limousine
In
the car, Nikki tells John that “he likes penis jokes”, so he’ll “like
the comedy in the movie.” He doesn’t know what else to say except,
“Thank you.” (MATT: I know I’ll be the first one in line for this masterpiece of American cinema…)

The Palladium
They
show up at the red carpet premiere with director, Miguel Ali. Naomi
shows up (via invite) and Nikki says she’s excited — this is the first
thing she’s been in. Nikki is stoked, saying that it’s a thrill to “play
somebody else, a whole new character”. Then we get a look at her
“character”: a superficial valley girl who verbally harasses guys she
thinks are beneath her and twirls her gum.

(MATT: Pictured – “Somebody Else”)

There are a ton of empty seats in the
theater as John and Nikki watch the film and, somehow, the audience
laughs at “jokes” like, “Just because we’re twins doesn’t mean I wanna
fuck my sister.” Nikki says that this role makes her happy and that she
can see “more movies in her future”.

(MATT: Pictured – “Happiness”)

Rosa and Natalya’s Hotel Room
(MATT: Pre-emptive solution: why doesn’t Nattie just stop bunking and hanging around with Rosa? I know that WWE told her to babysit…but Rosa certainly didn’t need a handler while Nattie was off in Curacao, did she?) Nattie picks on her for wearing a white tank top and shorts. (MATT:
Why are we still seeing Divas shaming clothing choices? What is the
point of that? They’re all basically nude when they go to the ring.)
Nattie says Rosa looks like she’s going to a nudist colony. Rosa says she likes to show off skin.

Rosa and Nattie’s Rental Car
Rosa
and Nattie watch as a fire truck crosses the intersection in front of
them. Rosa says that that the firemen inside are probably cute. (MATT: Sound familiar, Danielle?) Nattie
is still locked in Prude Mode and asks what Rosa means. Rosa says
hasn’t had sex in a year and a month and that she’s “on the hunt”.
Judging from the last few episodes, it’s been a long time for Nattie,
too. However, Rosa says she’s looking for a guy to be
“well-endowed”…and a guy who is willing to wait a bit. Wait…what?
You either you want to get it hard fast and now or you don’t. (MATT:
She practically dry humps every single Diva she sees and eye-fucks every
dude in front of her. As Andy PG said: This show…this fucking show.)

Nattie, practically advocating male dominance and female submission,
says that guys don’t want to “sit around and play Monopoly”. Rosa
counters and says the wrong kind of relationship could make her want to
drink again. She’s scared to date and she wants to meet her future
husband, she tells the camera. Nattie tells her she’ll know when she
meets the right guy. (MATT: Just like Nattie did! Uh, wait…)

Central Avenue Oyster Bar (Restaurant)
After
the premiere, John tells Nikki, “Take me to dinner, movie star.” They
toast her success. Nikki is really proud of her role, but also proud of
her husband who just landed a role in Judd
Apatow’s upcoming film, “Trainwreck”. She says that the cast is
“unreal”. (MATT: If you consider Judd Apatow, Tilda Swinton, the dude
from African-Spielberg pirate flick, and a bunch of SNL rejects,
comedians, a hip hop artist and LeBron James “unreal”, that is.)

John looks a touch pensive and asks if she would ever be naked on film.
She says she would not and says, off-camera, that “the girls” are for
her man and she wouldn’t show them. However, she’s ok with implied
nudity, such as a shot of her back when she’s topless. He keeps prodding
and asks would she ever do a sex scene, but she says she will only do a
sex scene with John. He asked an awful lot of questions. Just what is
in his movie? (MATT: Well, the film doesn’t really have details yet, but it–.) Did he do full frontal? (MATT: Well, I don’t kn–.) Does he have a graphic sex scene? (MATT: I really don’t thi–.) Is this movie a porno? (MATT: Why do we suddenly have advance tickets, Danielle? DANIELLE???) 

ORLANDO, FL

Brick House Tavern + Tap (Restaurant)
Nattie
goes to meet Naomi for lunch as Naomi did not go to Eva Marie’s
bachelorette party in Curacao. We see “highlights” from the party in
Curacao which was comprised of Nattie being miserable 95 percent of the
time. Naomi asks if she’s considered marriage counseling. She admits
they tried sex therapy, which was bad for TJ, but not regular therapy.
She says the sex therapy scarred him. (MATT: The only “scars” you should have after sex therapy are nail marks in your fucking back.) Nattie: “TJ says I’m such a control freak But I feel like my way is the right way”. Naomi grimaces.

TAMPA, FL

John’s Car
Nikki
asks if John is excited about his movie. He says that he is and that he
plays Amy Schumer’s boyfriend who is over obsessive. He says there’s a
sex scene involved — and Nikki’s expression changes. Needless to say,
she’s not quite happy. Then, to make matters worse, he says it has
“partial nudity” — but just his butt. She tells the camera that Cena is
her man and that it may be “just an ass” but that it’s “her ass”. She
says she feels like he kept that from her. John: “I didn’t keep it from
you — we’re talking about it.(MATT: Shut up, John. It’s no fun when you destroy this show’s bullshit with actual logical thinking.) He
says he apologizes for not telling her immediately. She says that this
was a decision they both should have made and that he has to be naked
with somebody and pretend that they’re attracted to one another. He says
it’s one sex scene. She says he’s choosing that over “their
relationship”. Cena: “No…you’re putting our relationship on the line over this.”) (MATT: SHUT UP, JOHN!! STOP THINKING!!) Nikki: “Why don’t you ask other women and see if they’d like their men to be in sex scenes.” (MATT: So, he should ask all the men who have done sex scenes if their women wanted them do that?) Cena says that maybe he’s not with the right woman.

After a break, SexGate continues. Nikki says it’s “weird to fake fuck somebody”. Cena
calls her insecure. Nikki says she’s not insecure and that she’s
concerned about him. She says that he’s gonna be with somebody else. He
tells her “it’s a production” and that it isn’t real at all. (MATT: Didn’t Nikki pretend to be fake-fucking Daniel Bryan at one point?)
Nikki pushes the narrative, again, that Cena “hid this from her” and
then says they “never discuss stuff because they’re not married”. (MATT: You have to be “married” to talk about things?) Nikki
turns on the water works and starts crying, saying that they need to
have a real relationship but she’s not in one. She’s just that girl who
“signed the paper and lives in John Cena’s house”. (MATT: She’s just NOW realizing this?)
He says if Nikki feels like crap because he doesn’t tell her every
single thing, then everything they’ve been through has been pointless.

CLEVELAND, OH

Hotel Room
Nattie
asks Rosa how their matches were during their recent shows in the area.
Rosa says that she “gave Eva her body to work with”. Rosa says she’s
going out to lunch with one of the Cleveland Browns. Nattie calls the
dude a “meathead”. (MATT: Yet, she’s still got a better deal than Nattie.)

Zocalo (Restaurant)
Rosa
has lunch with Cleveland Brown Gary Barnidge. They compare diets. He
likes the Queso dip at the place but she says that would add “cottage
cheese to her ass”. He says he can eat anything because his workouts
dump a ton of calories. Rosa says she has a nicer ass than most of the
younger girls in the locker room. She seems to hit it off and tells the
camera that she was “picturing him with his clothes off”. (MATT: How is that different than all the other people she meets in her daily life?)

TAMPA, FL

John & Nicole’s House

Nikki
has invited her brother and her Mom to their house for the first time.
She mentions the movie and that Cena has a sex scene. Brie and her Mom
and slightly outraged — while Nikki’s brother simply asked, “Didn’t you
do a story where you and Brie were making out with Daniel Bryan?” Nikki
confirms that this happened but says that “kissing is different”. (MATT: Oh, I can’t wait to hear the hypocritical bullshit that’s about to fly from her mouth here.) She says that kissing is different because you “don’t use tongue and stuff”. (MATT: OH…COME…ON.) Her
family talks her off the ledge and Nikki can’t believe it. She says
that Cena should have talked about with her. Brie agrees. Then they talk
about the time they asked their Dad to take them to see “Booty Call”.
Then they laugh. (MATT: For what reason? How does this wrap anything up?)

Marriage Counselor
Nattie
and TJ are seeing a marriage counselor. She says she knows their
marriage can improve which is why they’re there. Nattie tells the
counselor that they’re not on the same page and that they see each other
once a week. TJ says that she’s too focused on work when she comes
home. The counselor asks how he feels about things. He says some of it
sucks and some of it doesn’t. He says he sees more positives in not
going on the road all the time.. Nattie says that this will create more
space. She says that TJ is one of the best wrestlers in the world. She
says she feels emptiness and she feels alone. TJ is forced to admit
this.

WWE NXT Gym
Nattie talks with Ryan
Katz, WWE Producer, about developing a new character for TJ. She admits
on camera she wants to get in his body and do his work for hm because he
isn’t doing what she wants.

HOUSTON, TX for Monday Night RAW


Ringside
Brie is in the ring to continue her storyline feud with Stephanie McMahon where Brie demands the SummerSlam match with Steph. (MATT: And that’s it. We already saw this. Why can’t we have ome behind-the-scenes stuff about that?)

Backstage

Rosa meets Gary Barnidge backstage. She says Gary is the first person she has ever brought backstage. (MATT: I kinda doubt that…) She
introduces Gary to Summer and Nattie. It turns out Summer has met him
before. Nattie nearly gets into it with Summer and excuses herself and
Rosa gets called away for an interview. Summer continues talking to Gary
and flirts with him. summer tells how she used to play football for the
Legends Football League. (MATT: An oddly named league considering it’s little more than a T&A fest with no “legends” to speak of.) She
talks about how intense the league was and tells the camera that she
likes Gary because he’s attractive and they have so much in common. (MATT:
Can’t wait to use that excuse: “Well, she was hot and we both are from
San Jose and we both use Tablets to get our writing done!”)
Summer tells him that they should go find Rosa.

Meat & Potatoes (Restaurant)

Nikki
is out for a “girl’s night”, sans Brie. Nattie, Eva and Cameron all
come along. She says she’s there to just have fun, relax, and not think
about Cena’s sex scene. She asks what the girls think of the situation
with John. (MATT: If you’re trying to “forget about it”, why the fuck are you bringing it up?!) None of the girls like the idea — especially Nattie who acts like Cena’s cheating on her. (MATT: I’m so tired of Nattie. Seriously.) Nikki has a smirk on her face, knowing she’s in good company. (MATT: Yeah, reveling in creating a mob mentality.) Nattie
tells Nikki that she often gets into character — and that means
physically as well. Nikki says she needs a whole bottle of wine while
Nattie wonders if Cena will get an erection during filming. Nikki
doesn’t look happy. Nattie tells her that she needs to put her foot
down. (MATT: WWE Divas: giving women a bad reputation one episode at a time.)

ORLANDO, FL

WWE Performance Center (Gym)
Rosa
meets Summer and laughs at a guy making intense grunting noises while
lifting weights. Rosa says that Paige told her that Rosa makes sex
noises when she lifts. Rosa says she had no idea she did that because
she was wearing earphones. Rosa says she can now understand why she gets
stared at in the gym. (MATT: She is like a living, breathing Mariah Carey poster. Nothing but ego and self-flattery.) She
tells Summer that she sent Gary a text and he took an hour to reply.
Summer says that isn’t bad. Rosa says “He’s talking to Rosa Mendes.
That’s bad.” (MATT: Fucking hell. Cut away to anything! PLEASE!) Therefore,
she says, he’s playing hard to get. Really? What if, during that hour,
he fell asleep? Had to be driving? Had an emergency? That’s hardly
enough to decide someone is playing hard to get. Rosa says that he
better look at her with hungry eyes on the date. (MATT: On a second date?!) Rosa needs him to fall in love with her. Summer says Rosa is like a woman on Oprah who has a full wedding book but no groom.

Cafeteria
Nikki
is still upset about John’s sex scene. Nikki says that he doesn’t
deserve her constantly getting in his face about it. She says that she
wants to be cool with it and wishes she could shut off the way she
feels. (MATT: I kid you not, here are the things she wishes she could
say: “Hey, stomach! Don’t get in knots! Hey! Don’t be upset!” And my
favorite: “Hey, blood! Why are you boiling right now?” That last one
sounds like a gang member asking another gang member what he’s
cooking.) 
Brie says that John is the first good guy she has dated.
Nikki says he’s been burned in weird ways: their father left with
another woman when they were young. Eva Marie says he’s been trustworthy
and that she needs to trust Cena. Nikki says that she’s taking out her
past frustrations on him. Nattie tries to make it all better by telling
Nikki the girl won’t brush her teeth before she kisses him.

TAMPA, FL


Nattie & TJ’s House
Natalya and TJ went to therapy. They had one visit and they did well, making a lot of progress So she moved back in. (MATT: One visit?!) TJ
comes in and says he doesn’t want to go back. TJ says they would be
like hamsters in  a wheel on the couch. Nattie tells the camera, “You
can’t make progress in one visit!” (MATT: WHAT?! She moved back in after one visit citing good progress! FUUUUUUUUCK!!!) She
starts crying and he mocks her for it. He says that everythng is fine.
He tells Nattie that her issues are her own. He’s not going back.

Ember (Restaurant)
Rosa
is meeting Gary Barnidge for her second date she tells him they spent
hours in a gym. At lunch, she finds he isn’t drinking and, when
questioned, tells him she was in rehab. She hasn’t been in a
relationship in a year because she was “paranoid of guys” (MATT: Run, Gary. NOW.) She says that wants to be with her soul mate and doesn’t want to have fun, then says she needs “a lot of attention”. (MATT: NOW, GARY. GO!) She
says she will wait until she’s in love to be intimate. He tells her she
has too many guidelines to have one guy meet them and, when the
waitress comes over a moment later to see if they need anything else,
just asks for the check. My guess is their relationship, what little it
was, is over. (MATT: I dunno…I can see a future there…)

NEW YORK, NY

WWE Mommy Blog Event
Nattie
does the event, taking photos with kids and signing autographs, then
bumps into Darren Young. She tells him that she’s gonna go have dinner
later and that he should come.

Serendipity (Restaurant)
Nattie
says she is having a night out on the town with Darren Young, takes a
selfie with him and then says that it’s nice to have somebody to vent
to. When they get to the restaurant, the Paparazzi is there. She shows
off Darren — but the guy with the camera asks where TJ is. Nattie says
TJ is good and that they’re “not divorced yet”. Darren looks a little
awkward. Nattie asks Darren how he felt about that. Apparently, she told
the guy “don’t tell TJ” by complete accident. The cameraman’s reply
was, “I don’t wanna get my ass kicked!” Darren doesn’t look at all comfy
with it.

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant
Nikki
is out with John for lunch. He says it was a great experience filming
his movie and Nikki says that she is proud of him for getting the job
and opens up about having been cheated on and how things were with her
Dad leaving. He counters and apologizes, telling her that she has every
right to feel that way and says he should have told her about the scene
sooner. She tells the camera this make them stronger they are taking the
next step in their relationship. (MATT: #NIKKIWINSLOL)

ORLANDO, FL

Summer’s car
she is primping while driving and then goes to a restaurant — to meet up with Gary. That was quick. (MATT: The editing was so slick here. It’s obvious that this was manufactured.)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie & TJ’s House
Nattie stayed an extra day in New York to have some “Nattie time”. (MATT: She’s always taking time off to be by herself. Am I insane here?)
TJ tells her that she should have told him. He’s pissed off about
telling the Paparazzi about their divorce. TJ says he’s hurt because she
never mentioned anything like that to him. He asks if she wants a
divorce. She says she doesn’t know what he wants anymore. She goes into
the bedroom and doesn’t come out.

FINAL RECAP

Danielle

This week’s hug goes to: Brie. Though she had barely any screen time, she got to stand toe to toe with Steph. That’s awesome.

This week’s punch goes to: TJ & Summer Rae (tie)
Really, TJ? You thought one session of marriage counseling was all you
needed to fix years of problems? Summer Rae – going after a coworker’s
intended b/f is low, even for a reality show peep.

Matt

This week’s hug goes to: John Cena. I’m
sorry. I don’t buy any of this storyline. I refuse to believe that
Nikki can flaunt her body, admit that she doesn’t wear underwear, act
more superficial than a Kardashian, make out with Daniel Bryan, pretend
she’s someone else…and then turn around and be jealous when Cena’s got
a sex scene in a movie. Cena, from what I’ve heard, has been around the
block, so this story is setting off my bullshit detector, big-time. 

Most annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki/Nattie/Rosa (tie) I
hate ties. But, holy shit. Nattie’s a fucking headcase. One moment,
she’s horny as fuck, the next she’s a prude. She chastises women for
what they wear and wears stuff that shows off her obviously fake boobs.
She says they made huge progress with a counseling sessions — then,
turns around and says no progress was made. PICK. A FUCKING. LANE. Nikki
is phony. I don’t like watching her. I hate hearing her talk. I hate
everything she does on this show. The phony “OMG CENA IN A SEX SCENE”
crocodile tears act made my stomach turn. This whole show has that
effect, but this took the cake. Finally, Rosa…what is she looking for
in a guy? Rich, well-hung, somebody who can spend money on her and take
care of her. Ugh. How are any of these girls appealing?

Er, that’s it…

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 6 – “Paint the Island Red”

In
our last episode, “Scared Straight”, several of our divas learned about
the lengths to which they or someone else would go to protect their
family:

  • Cameron, who gave up her career as
    Naomi’s valet so that she could train in NXT, took off time on a
    moment’s notice to fly across the country to help determine if her
    15-year-old delinquent brother was all right. Cameron found him hanging
    out with friends, smoking a bong that broke when she dropped it on a
    sidewalk, and arranged for the most stereotypical ex-gang members to
    perform an intervention. It worked, the brother returned home and agreed
    to be more responsive to his family.
  • Eva Marie was concerned
    upon learning that there had been a robbery near her house and wanted to
    move — but Jon, her husband, wanted to get a gun instead. Guns scare
    her, but she was willing to compromise and visit a gun ranch so she
    could try to overcome her fear by shooting a few assault rifles at paper
    targets represented by zombies which is, apparently, the new “threat”
    in the eyes of gun nuts. Despite her shooting a light out on the range
    from a recoil and declaring that she didn’t want a gun, her husband
    bought one anyhow — while she was on the road.
  • Daniel Bryan
    is still having issues with injuries and may need more surgeries.
    Though Brie seemed to understand this, she still defended his right to
    use herbal medicines and natural homeopathy as his main treatment, even
    when everyone around her was telling her that modern medicine and
    surgery was the only real, viable option.

Guess what? This is a double-header. E! has decided to punish Matt and I by airing episodes back to back.
But, wait! There’s MORE! To supplement a desire to get healthier, lower
BMI and get a more toned body, I’m now greatly reducing my own alcohol
intake to a
single glass of wine on true special occasions – not just, “Hey! It’s
Sunday! So this recap will be my first where I’ll have watched this
train wreck totally sober. Think good thoughts for me I’ll need them! (MATT: Me too. I’m a bit of a sponsor here. I’m on caffeine…heeeeelp meeeeee…)

SAN DIEGO, CA

Preptkitchen (Restaurant)
The Bella twins are wearing tight dresses showing lots of cleavage. (MATT: They’d wear this stuff to a funeral. And thank you for the cleavage.)
(You’re welcome, Matt.) Nikki asks Brie to compliment her shoes and
then says she needs a drink. Brie says she always needs a drink. Nikki
says John Cena will be arriving in a special car they’ve nicknamed
“Buttercup”. Upon finding out the champagne she’s drinking is Spanish,
declares it makes her want to spend a day in Mexico. Brie wisely points
out Spanish champagne is probably from Spain not Mexico. Nikki says
they’re in San Diego, near the Mexican border. So she’s justified in
sayin that. They argue about it. (MATT: There’s no wine in the house. And the three bottles of Guinness in the fridge…those don’t exist. THEY DON’T EXIST.)
Brie: “I feel bad for you Nicole, because your brain works very slow.”
Nikki insults Brie’s fake diamond necklace, in retaliation. Brie insults
Nikki’s diamond pendant as it’s not an engagement ring. (MATT: This is what war would look like if Hillary Clinton was elected.) John arrives and “Buttercup” is a Ferrari. (MATT: #RUSSOSWERVE)
Cena is concerned about Brie and asks if her career in WWE is over.
There’s no answer because there’s a man eating and getting avocado all
over his face! They make fun of him! It’s a laugh riot! (MATT: Ha! It’s funny because it’s all fun! OMG…I might need that Guinness…)

Titles.

OTTAWA, CANADA

Arena (Backstage)
Cameron hugs Seamstress Sandra who we haven’t seen for a while. Cameron tells us on camera that she’s now back in WWE. (MATT: And…really, there’s been no improvement if Cameron’s botch a few weeks ago was any indication.)

(MATT: I’ve got nothing more to add here.)

Meanwhile, Rosa, Summer and Eva Marie are doing photo shoots. Rosa feels like she and Summer are outcasts.

Break Room
Cameron
talks all about her training and Nikki is excited that they’re gonna
see a new Cameron in the ring.Nattie says they have a big trip coming up
— Eva’s bachelorette. They plan their time off – Eva Marie wants a
full-on party even though she’s already married and doesn’t drink. Natty
confesses on camera that she and TJ are taking a break and she’s not
living at home. I wonder if Jarrod knows. (MATT: How are these two not divorced again?)

Friday Night Smackdown – AJ vs Cameron – Ringside
Cameron
tells the camera she’s back playing this wonderful new character. She
is in the ring and  is putting lip gloss on when AJ attacks her. She
fights AJ with some fairly decent moves — but, whatever, The Bellas are
more important.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie’s Car
Nikki laments that John is gone filming some movies and she can’t remember the titles. (MATT: Neither can any of the fans.)
They agree that neither of their men can go to the bachelorette party.
Nikki says they should go and have sister time and get drunk since John
and Daniel won’t be there. Nikki sips her water and claims that it
tastes unfiltered. Brie admits it’s unfiltered sink water because she
was in a hurry. Nikki acts like there’s cancer in the water. (MATT: Or “Ebola” if we’re staying topical) Brie
tells Nikki that Josie (the dog) drinks it so Nikki can, too. Nikki
fires back: “Josie eats her own shit. Do YOU eat your own shit?” Brie
says a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s. Nikki tells her to start
eating her own shit so she can have a cleaner mouth. Brie is silent. (MATT: What? Brie’s not gonna Google that for accuracy?)

TAMPA, FL


The Grind Coffee Bar & Cafe
Natty
visits TJ and says that it’s nice to see him — but was going to say
something else, starting with “It’s nice to have…” TJ doesn’t look at
all happy and asks her if she meant that it’s nice to have space. She
says it isn’t. He asks if she wants space. She says she has no idea what
she wants because she can’t relax. TJ says he knows because that’s how
she’s been for the last 13 years. She wants to get to the bottom of it
because she says she may be the problem after all. (MATT: So, suddenly, we’re all supposed to pretend that TJ hasn’t forgotten three birthdays and won’t look at her while she’s wearing sexy lingerie? Oh, ok. PICK A LANE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.) She asks if TJ wants to work things out. He tells her that he does, so she invites him on the trip and he agrees to this. (MATT: Get out of there, TJ. Get out NOW.) TJ states that Rosa and Summer should find their way to a remote island and never return.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Vincent and Cameron’s Apartment
While
she was working, Vincent apparently spent lots of time cleaning and
organizing. He tells her that they have no more room for any more of
their stuff. So, he wants them to buy a house. (MATT: Is there any middle ground on this show? Dangerous neighborhood? Buy a gun. Need a job? Start a bed and breakfast. Christ, about what point does logic kick in and Vincent says, “We need a storage unit”?)
Vincent badgers her after she’s been home for just ten minutes.
Cameron’s solution to this fight: relax and then get her hair done. (MATT: Nobody on this show fits. At all.)

CURACAO, MEXICO

Airport
Eva
says that they flew during hurricane season. Also, Jonathan, Brie and
Vincent’s luggage is lost. On the bus to the hotel, Vincent loudly
declares that he “has no undies or toothbrush”. Nikki says that doesn’t
matter because Brie Mode is about to happen. (MATT: YEAH, SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING, VINCENT. QUEEN NIKKI HATH SPOKEN.) Nikki recaps “Brie Mode” as if we have no idea what that is.

Santa Barbara Golf and Beach Resort
They get to the hotel and are stoked to find out how nice it is.

Bella’s Hotel Room
Bryan
calls to talk about how their house was painted. Brie tells him her
luggage didn’t arrive. Nikki jokes she will make Brie wear her clothes.
Bryan: “NIKKI…DO NOT. DRESS MY WIFE. LIKE A HOOTCHIE.”

Natty and TJ’s Hotel Room
Natty and TJ hear a couple having sex. TJ suggest they compete with them for volume. (Ha! Matt and I would do that.) (MATT: Shhhhh…) Natty has no idea what TJ is talking about so TJ demonstrates his version of moaning. (MATT: Which sounds like a dog trying to breathe with a collapsed lung.) Natty agrees to this and tells TJ to throw her on the bed. TJ chickens out. (MATT: This is a metaphor for Erectile Dysfunction, isn’t it?)

Poolside
Everyone gathers for breakfast. Nikki tells everyone that Brie wore a “wife-beater” (MATT: A term that needs to go away completely.) to bed (Nikki’s) but nothing else. (MATT: MOAR OF THIS PLEASE.)
Nikki mocks her but Brie explains that she can’t be nude sleeping in
front of her own sister. Eva Marie compliments Natty on the loud sex
noises (Were she and Jon the couple next door having sex?) and Natty
doesn’t tell them that they were faking the noises to mock the two of
them. TJ shows up and seems confused why everyone thinks they had wild
sex but the moment blows over. TJ says he has a surprise for Natty.
Natty says that she got everyone gifts. And, surprise, Natty’s gotten
everyone something made of spandex.

The Beach
Eva
Marie, Cameron, Jon and Vincent go cliff-jumping despite signs saying
that they could die if they do it. Jon goes in fast and Eva jokes the
wedding is off because he went without her. Everyone jumps but Cameron
who gets teased for this. Especially as young kids jump in. (MATT: Warnings, schmornings!) Cameron finally does and is excited that she did. They do it again and again.

Bella Hotel Room
Nikki
wants Mimosas and is bummed that Brie is shopping online. Nikki teases
her for getting boring now that she’s married. Nikki says she isn’t
wearing panties. Brie tells her to put some on.

TJ and Natty’s Rental Car
Natty is excited for his surprise, asking if she’s dressed nice enough. TJ says she is…and the surprise is revealed…

Ostrich Farm
It’s an ostrich farm! (MATT: And my body was starting to sweat all the toxins from the alcohol…) Natty says an ostrich looks like summer. They feed them. Well, at least TJ does. Natty keeps running from them. (MATT: Just like Summer or…?) Natty tells the camera that she doesn’t know why ostriches should be involved in a romantic getaway. (MATT: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT TOOK HER SO LONG TO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION?!)

TJ and Natty’s Rental Car
Natty: “Do I have to do a mating dance to entice TJ?” She wants more romance…doesn’t she know who she’s married to? She says that it’s the thought that counted.

Poolside
Everyone’s
hanging out at poolside. Vincent keeps away from everyone, sitting on
his phone while the girls are having fun. He thinks he’d be a fifth
wheel. Nikki says he’s a nice guy, despite his goofy behavior. Nikki
tells him that he should “lay down the law” when she tries to push him
away. Natty comes back from Le Ostrich Farm and tells everyone about the
trip. Everyone is confused. Nikki asks if TJ set up a “table for two”. (MATT: AT AN OSTRICH FARM, NIKKI?! REALLY?!) Natty
says she can tell the girls anything (except for that sex noise bit, I
guess) but she hates throwing TJ under the bus all the time. (MATT: Sadly, everything TJ does is a liability, so that’s not even possible.) Vincent sends the whole thing off sitcom-style by nearly killing Nikki with a champagne cork. Cameron yells at him like an adoring girlfriend.

Bella Hotel Room
Brie is wearing one of Nikki’s dresses which fits perfectly. Nikki feels the need to stuff the dress anyhow. It doesn’t work.

Shore – American Seafood Grill
Everyone arrives for dinner. Eva and Jon are late as they were having a quickie beforehand. Natty’s jealous of it. (MATT: Is this the same Natty who can barely talk about sex?) They laugh at how bad Brie looks in Nikki’s dress. Curiously, Brie also isn’t drinking and is also teased for it.

Spa
Brie
is looking at fixtures for their house. Nikki wants her to just relax
and enjoy the spa relaxation. Nikki makes the situation even better by
teasing her for having small boobs. Again. They get their massages, but
Brie keeps talking interior design. Nikki tells her she is asleep to try
to get her to relax. Brie calls her a bitch.

Resort
Everyone gets red wigs to surprise Eva and Jon, they get on a boat for a sunset cruise.

Cruise
Jon mentions they are moving back to the OC. (MATT: Is that even still a phrase?)
Vincent says they are house-hunting which Cameron deflects, saying she
doesn’t have time. The girls badger her and tell her that they should be
looking because a girl in her business will never “have time”.

Docks
After
the cruise, Vincent walks away from Cameron. He feels like she isn’t
paying attention to him at all and that he feels neglected. She follows
him down the street and he says he just wants to cool off. Cameron,
however, won’t give him space to just walk it off (which she should).
Still, they keep talking (this is a reality show after all) and he
thinks she doesn’t care. She agrees that so much is going on but she
needs to start thinking about how to improve their relationship. She wants a happy medium.

Dinner
Cameron
makes a toast and manages to praise herself, explaining that she
learned a lot about how to be in a relationship and a friendship.
Cameron says they’re gonna take “baby steps” — then asks Nikki to be
their real estate agent. Nikki keeps trying to get Brie to drink more.
They argue intensely. Nikki insists she will order a bottle of wine and
Brie will drink it all. Brie refuses and calls Nikki obnoxious and tries
to force her sister to drink. (MATT: Fucking hell.)

Brie tells the camera she hates when people try to “force her into Brie Mode”. (MATT: This happens daily?) It makes her want to do the exact opposite.

Limo
They leave in their bus and everyone cheers for Brie Mode.

Bar
Brie
wants to leave early and nobody wants her to. Everyone mocks her for
not drinking. Brie goes home early anyhow. Good for her for resisting
peer pressure and making her own decision. Nikki declares that she’s gonna punch her sister in the face when she gets back to the room.

Eva
Marie and Natty talk in a nearby restroom. Natty admits she and TJ are
not connecting like they used to. She doesn’t know how to fix it. Natty
says she feels like she is having a nervous breakdown and breaks down in
tears. She says TJ doesn’t even want to kiss her anymore. Eva says they
are good people it will take care of itself. (MATT: Nice job, Eva. Great solution.)

Bella Hotel Room
Brie and Nikki haven’t spoken for hours. Brie complains that Nikki tried to make her get into Brie Mode all week. (MATT: Nikki actually denies this. How in the fuck can somebody deny doing something they did eight hours ago?!) Nikki
keeps harping on her, saying she doesn’t want to drink as it upsets
Bryan and Brie isn’t happy because she can’t drink. Brie insists that
this is what she wants in terms of lifestyle. She likes to pick out
furniture and have a life with a guy. Nikki is upset her sister is
changing and that Nikki is “second in her life (after Daniel)”. They hug
and Nikki says she can handle it if Brie doesn’t go to Brie Mode. Brie
gets mad that Nikki wore her dress without wearing underwear. (MATT: Awwww. Always leave them laughing. *Sigh*)

Weekly Wrap Up

DANIELLE

This week’s hugs go to:
Brie & Natty (tie) – Despite choosing to drink in moderation, Brie
had everyone chanting for her to give in (like something out of an ABC
After School Special) and even her own sister kept hounding her.
However, she stuck to her guns and that’s very admirable. Natty –
everyone should have a wild passionate, romantic time while on vacation
with their significant other and she got ostriches instead and managed
not to complain about it too much. She’s a trooper.

This week’s punch goes to:
Nikki – Peer pressuring her sister to drink until puking, making fun of
her choice to not do so, her husband, her hobbies, and wearing her
dress without underwear? Nikki just really irked me this week. (MATT: “This week“?)

MATT

This week’s hug goes to: Natty.
I’m not sure she can be any more pathetic than she already is. I’m not
sure she can be any more stupid than she already is. It’s bad enough she
has to be with a shitty husband (one can only hope what we’re seeing is
completely phony), they actually have her play a submissive little
wifey with an abusive husband in Tyson Kidd to remind her how shitty
things are.

Annoying Diva of the Week: Nikki.
Fuck this one was easy as shit. Danielle covered it above. She’s
obnoxious as fuck the entire episode, doesn’t listen, cares only about
herself, doesn’t have a brain in her skull and doesn’t even seem to
realize that she’s in a shitty relationship with John Cena — and then
tries to deny it all, deflects blame and, somehow, silently declares
herself the innocent party. I’ve said it once and I will say it again: I
think Nikki is a permanent member of this club.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 5 – “Scared Straight”

(MATT: It’s this kinda show today. In fact, it’s so much this kinda show,
I actually get first crack at this train wreck with this caption.)

In our last episode, “Divas Unchained”, our
Divas tried to fix problems with solutions that fell far short of what
they expected (MATT: Wouldn’t be the first time.):

  • Daniel Bryan took Brie shopping for a washer and dryer. He tried to
    get a used set, causing Brie to have a meltdown at the appliance store.
    Ignoring Brie’s frustrations with Bryan or herself, Nikki decided that
    it was time to have an intervention. (MATT: For the sole purpose of
    telling her to stop being “a bitch” even though Bryan and Nikki aren’t
    listening to Brie and being completely selfish.)
    Brie didn’t seem to
    agree with most of what they said, or appreciate her bratty sister
    helping her this way. However, she did seem to agree to be less bitchy
    overall.
  • TJ, who apparently needs a personal assistant to know what day of the week it is, forgot Natty’s birthday again. Yes,
    this is recycled from last year and the year before. You’re not crazy.
    When he and her family finally remember her birthday, they buy her an
    anti-gravity type workout machine as a present. Nattie had enough of TJ
    and her family’s shit and high tails it to a hotel and even invites Rosa
    to come hang out with her. (MATT: Rosa probably got over there so fast, she left fire trails behind her car.)
    Predictably, Rosa ends up hitting on Natty and is rebuffed. So, she
    organizes a party for Natty and buys her lingerie. That doesn’t work.
    So, Rosa arranges a club date with her fellow Divas cast and tries to
    kiss Natty, claiming that she was trying to restore Natty’s confidence.
    She’s rebuffed again. Earlier in the episode, Rosa had hit on Paige who
    also supposedly had had her birthday, so apparently Rosa’s type is women
    with recent birthdays. Look out other Divas, do not invite her to your
    birthday parties! (MATT: I’d tune in for an attempt on Eva. I cannot lie.)
  • Naomi who recently had implantable birth control removed and then
    had months of stomach cramps and bleeding. Her solution was to ignore
    it, (MATT: This is a running theme. I can just picture WWE Creative
    saying, “Think of the most logical thing you could do — and then do the
    polar opposite.”)
    Her husband, John Uso, convinced her to go to the doctor because he was sick of getting no sex
    he was truly concerned for his wife. Turns out she had a polyp, which
    surgery could fix or, if she was very lucky it could leave her body
    naturally. And, of course, Naomi decided to wait for that very unlikely
    event to happen. As John still wanted sex in order to please him she
    took pole dancing classes with some other Divas and brought home a
    stripper pole. At first, he hated the gift and threw it across the room,
    but she convinced him it was great and perhaps will have the surgery
    even though he’s scared it could ruin her fertility.

Will the Divas be ready with their Bandaid solutions
for their major problems this week? Matt and I will use glasses of red
wine to get through this episode to let you know.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Brockton Villa Restaurant
Nikki makes Brie carry things because she cannot carry things and wear high heels. (MATT: …what?)
The place has a nice ocean view, but Nikki says she doesn’t like the
smell of the area because there are lots of seals and they “smell like
seal vagina”. (MATT: *Sigh*) Then she says fish is reminiscent of women’s vagina’s. (MATT: No, no. No, no, no, no, no.) Brie:
“Seals are not fishes…are they?” Nikki: “They have fins!” They argue
over whether seals are fish or mammals. The show is two minutes in and
I’m sorry I’m watching this. (MATT: It feels like I’ve watched half the show.) Look, I’m not naive here. I know this is faked. I also know that the Bellas are kinda idiots sometimes…but, even still, why would the editors even leave any of that in the episode? (MATT: AND THEY ACTUALLY FUCKING GOOGLE IT. THEN THEY ARGUE ABOUT IT…GRRRRR…)

(MATT: This show. This fucking show.)

TITLES. 

I’m nowhere near drunk or even buzzed enough to put up with this.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ

Brie’s Car
Brie
and Bryan are discussing rehab, he says he is exhausted by it. On
camera she laments how long his recovery is and how she wants him to
feel better. He laments that he doesn’t heal fast like John Cena who
they agree is (MATT: On steroids.) a freak. (MATT: That, too.)

Dr. Lloyd Wright’s Office
Brie
watches Dr. Lloyd stick pins in Bryan. She says that acupuncture is
natural because “it makes the blood flow and blood cures everything in
the body.” (MATT: That doesn’t sound right. That doesn’t sound right at all. Let me just consult with Dean Ambrose real quick. Dean?)





TAMPA, FL


Eva Marie’s Car
Eva Marie is talking with her husband, Jon.
He mentions there was a home invasion 2-3 miles from the gym. She says
they need to move, and he says they need a gun. She says they do not
need one in their home. He tells her she should learn to fire a gun to
not be afraid of it. (MATT: Oh, I can’t wait for the debate in the comments below.)

WWE Gym
Nikki
and Cena are working out together because somehow he doesn’t have a gym
in his McMansion. He seems confused as to why Bryan is still injured.
Nikki explains his commitment to the natural way of doing things and
Cena thinks it’s silly as he, himself, recovered from neck surgery in
one month. Cena compares Bryan’s natural approach to hearing a knock in
the engine of a car and hitting the dashboard to fix it, as opposed to
seeing a mechanic to check it out.

ORLANDO, FL

Restaurant
Eva
Marie is having lunch with Cameron. Cameron has a huge bruise on her
arm which she explains as working out hard in NXT. Cameron’s mom, Tammy,
calls her. Cameron steps out to take the call and her mom tells her
that her 15-year-old brother, Quentin, left school, isn’t answering his
phone and she might need Cameron to come down to talk to him. Cameron
tells the camera family comes first and she must go back to L.A. to talk
to him. (MATT: Cameron’s teenage brother isn’t answering his phone and she has to fly all the way to the opposite side of the country to find out why?)

MATT: THIS. FUCKING. SHOW.



MONDAY NIGHT RAW – MIAMI, FL

Ringside
Nikki
comes out for a handicap match, it’s her vs. Eva Marie, Cameron and
Naomi. Brie is in the audience, sitting in the front row and says (in
her camera interview) that she’s doing a story with Stephanie McMahon,
which she says is a dream come true. In this now infamous bit, Stephanie
calls her a quitter, Brie calls her a bitch and Stephanie hauls off and
slaps Brie.

Backstage 
Nikki and Brie are amazed by the WWE tech team’s A/V equipment. (MATT: Seriously. They stare at it like a cat stares at the wall after getting high on catnip.)
Brie gets a text from Bryan. She says the doctor says that Bryan has
issues with “legamints in his neck”. Nikki tells her it’s not
“legament”s and that it’s “ligaments”. Brie says that doesn’t sound
right at all. And then they argue about it.

(MATT: And fuck this fucking show.)

Brie says Bryan will need another surgery. Nikki
tells the camera that Bryan needs to be working so she isn’t the only
one working. “Every night you are away, the more likely the audience
will forget you,” she explains. Brie says surgery is like putting a
Band-Aid on something and 20 years later, they’ll figure out what went
wrong. Nikki says that isn’t true and that she has shin surgery and her
shin feels better. Brie calls her “pointless.” (MATT: That’s not even close to what she is or what this conversation is.)

ORLANDO, FL


Orlando Gun Club
Eva Marie decides to be “a good little
wifey” and learn how to shoot a gun even though she’s nervous and
doesn’t want to be there. They give her a couple of assault rifles to
shoot at a paper target: a printout of a zombie. (MATT: All you need is a friggin’ hand gun. When did “home protection” become using unnecessarily large guns and shooting at targets that don’t exist in real life?) She does great, (MATT: The target was like 10 feet in front of her. Even Michael J. Fox, off his meds, could hit that target.)
so the instructor has her try an MP5 Automatic Assault Rifle. The
recoil is too much, however, and she shoots out a light instead of the
target. John, who has mistaken Eva for John McClane, tells the
instructor his wife is deciding between a handgun and a rifle for home
protection and says that the rifle is cool because it’s intimidating.
Eva says she is not bringing home a gun that day. Jesus, get a huge dog.
That’ll be less of a hassle.

PHOENIX, AZ


Phoenix Public Market
Bryan pulls out a chair for
Brie who is so oblivious, she doesn’t see it and Bryan has to point it
out. She repays his chivalry by making him toast her, “The greatest wife
in the world”. Men take note: we women like hearing we are the greatest
girlfriends/fiancees/wives in the world even when we know that is
statistically impossible. Unlikely, even. The waiter happens by, doesn’t
see Bryan’s face (only his long hair from the back of his head) and
calls them “ladies”. He gets a jolt in his nerves and has to drop his
fork. They have to go home as he’s in so much pain.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Cameron and Vincent’s Apartment
Cameron greets her dog, Glitty, first. Vincent is jealous. (MATT: This is not humanly possible.) He and Bryan could discuss how they both share this problem over lunch. She says they have to go see her family.

Aqua Hair Salon
Cameron
and Vincent go to visit her mom, Tammy, at the salon she owns and works
at. Her mom can’t leave her job (though Cameron’s job isn’t that
secure, either, it appears her mom may have few to no employees) so they
will go look for her missing brother.

PHOENIX, AZ


Brie and Bryan’s House
With his recent spasm, she wants him
to see a doctor. He argues he’s had a million CT and blood scans and
he’s still skeptical that it will help. She tells the camera it’s that
he doesn’t want to hear more bad news. (Note: I get his point, I really
do, but I know from personal experience that you can mix Eastern and
Western medicine and get amazing results. When I tore my rotator cuff so
badly that I almost had it permanently torn off and irreparably
injured, I was in pain day and night. While I don’t know what Bryan’s
injury feels like exactly, I get what intense pain feels like. If one of
his representatives asked me, I’d advise him to continue Eastern
treatment but add more Western medicine surgery and prescription
medicines. You will heal more quickly. I know I did.) (MATT: Or…you know, just go to a doctor and cut out “Eastern medicine”…)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Vincent’s Car
After
driving around for a bit, Vincent and Cameron find Quentin on a
sidewalk with some boys. She yells at him for not calling him Mom back
when he has his phone on it. She yells at him for giving her attitude.
She tells him she’s taking time from her job to come check on him, and
that his behavior will make their mom die of a heart attack. (MATT: She flew cross country to yell at you because of your Mom’s neglect, Quentin! Be grateful!)
As they’re talking one of his friends moves a garbage bag behind his
back. She takes it from him (they don’t show what it is, but it’s
implied to be something illegal) and says Quentin and all her friends
are “guilty by association”. (MATT: These Divas keep using big words and phrases…I don’t think they mean what they think they mean.)
She throws it onto the street and whatever is in the bag shatters. She
forces him to come home with them and Quentin tells her not to touch
him. She tells the camera she didn’t take off time from her job and
training for this. (MATT: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT?!)

TAMPA, FL


Jon’s Car
Jon brings up the new Glock handgun and gushes
about how much he wants one. She tells him she doesn’t want one even
though she insists she had fun at the range. Jon says that she hates
America and the Second Amendment. (MATT: Also, the terrorists win. Thanks, Eva.)

LOS ANGELES, CA


Tammy’s house
Cameron wants to have a talk/intervention
with her mom and her brother. Her mom says he should be happy that
Cameron found her and not someone else. They say had he not ignored his
phone this wouldn’t have happened. She mentions Terry, a family friend
who is in jail, and that he should be careful who he hangs out with
because “birds of a feather flock together” and all that. He walks out
of the room and conversation. Cameron says they need a plan before she
goes back to NXT. (MATT: Something tells me that, if NXT let her fly
across America to deal with her stupid brother, they’re not exactly
drooling to have her back.)

TAMPA, FL


Jon and Eva Marie’s House
It’s raining and he laments
how he moved to what should be “sunny Florida”. He asks her where she
got back from she says she doesn’t even know what city she was in. (MATT: Quentin gave her some fat doobage, methinks.) He
has a handgun on the coffee table and she freaks out. She insists she
doesn’t want one in her house. She doesn’t even want to talk to him
anymore and walks out.

Money in the Bank – TD Garden in BOSTON, MA

Backstage – Photo Area

Rosa
is talking to photographer Craig Ambrosio who looks at her outfit and
laughs uncomfortably. She has cut out a lot of material in her shirt,
showing way too much skin overall, with tons of cleavage.

(MATT: Oops.)

He tells her to cover up so that they can “keep it PG”. Then they start.

(MATT: Much better. Great job, Rosa.)

Dr. Chris Amann, M.D. – WWE Trainer’s Backstage Office
Chris
is looking at Bryan’s body and Brie tells the camera she is hopeful for
an answer that day. The doctor asks questions him and how he can barely
keep his hand in a position with his arm curled for more than very
brief moments. Brie laments he can’t cuddle her for too long as it hurts
him. The doctor gives a diagnosis, saying Bryan has Cubital Tunnel
Syndrome and says he will need surgery. The doctor says it’s a quick and
easy surgery, so it’s also a quick recovery, though the skin will take
longer to heal than the tissue inside.

Backstage Break Room
Eva
Marie is sitting with Nattie, Cameron, Jimmy Uso, and Titus O’Neil. Eva
Marie wants their advice on the whole gun ordeal. She tells the camera
she feels disrespected as part of a couple that he got it without her.
Nattie says having a gun in the house would make her uncomfortable and
everyone else shares this opinion.

Backstage/Ringside (camera switches back and forth)
The
Money in the Bank theme song comes on and the Bellas watch backstage.
Nikki remarks that they took Bryan’s name off the Championship Belt and
that’s sad. Daniel Bryan is being interviewed by Michael Cole in the
ring. He says he has to say he needs more surgery and doesn’t know when
he’ll be back. The crowd boos this turn in events. Brie tells Nikki
while she agrees the natural way of healing is best, she thinks he will
heal faster with surgery. In the ring, Bryan says he will return
stronger than ever and win and he leads the crowd in a YES chant.

LOS ANGELES, CA


Vincent’s Car
Cameron, Vincent and Quentin meet with
ex-gang members who work with kids who are getting into the gang life in
order to scare the shit out of Quentin:

(MATT: THEDEMONRANDYORTON…)

(MATT: …Heavy D…)

(MATT: …and former All-Star catcher, Benito Santiago.)

The first guy pictured is “Tattoo” (MATT: The most obvious and creatively-bankrupt gangster name in history.)
and he spins a story about how his Mom threw him a birthday party early
because he “wouldn’t live past 24”. He gets in Quentin’s face and yells
at him. He tells them there are consequences for being in the streets,
scaring him by saying that he’ll get shot or stabbed or killed somehow.
He shows him all his scars from knives (but the tattoos kinda hide them
so the impact is like getting hit by a feather). “Chico” (MATT: The third guy pictured — and another walking cliche.) tells him while he came from a privileged background he choose “the street” and it can lead to death. “Bazaar” (MATT: Middle guy — interesting name choice.) says they’d love to talk to their Moms — but they don’t have any. (MATT: So they don’t have Moms because they were in gangs? I’m confused.) Tattoo tells him how good he has it at home and that they shouldn’t disrespect his mom. (MATT: So, answer your phone when Mom calls, kids. If you don’t, failed, motherless gangsters will yell at you about dying.)

PHOENIX, AZ


Brie and Bryan’s House
She asks him to hang a picture for
her but he can’t as he’s been told not to lift anything over 5 pounds
over his head. She suggests surgery (after first somewhat making fun of
the fact that he can’t lift a 3 pound picture – on doctor’s orders) and
his response is to shush her because if you don’t talk about problems
out loud apparently they go away. Brie says that surgery needs to be an
option. Bryan says he won’t get it.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Restaurant
Cameron’s
family is having dinner. Quentin has seen the error of his ways, but is
very quiet. He agrees to answer the phone when his mom calls. In a
robotic voice he thanks his family for caring about him. I’ve heard
people order a pizza with more emotion. He thanks Cameron for taking
time out of her work schedule to help him and he wishes her good luck
with her job. The kid sister ask if they can talk about her summer camp
now. (MATT: Are these people even related?)

ORLANDO, FL


Colibri Mexican Cuisine (Restaurant)
Jon and Eva Marie are
having dinner. Jon says the food at the restaurant is really good. Eva
gets upset that he’s been here before she has. (MATT: Jon sneezes. Eva gets upset that he didn’t ask permission to sneeze.)
She says he is trying to be the man running the show and that is not
how their marriage is going to go. The overlying stat that 50% of all
marriages end in divorce has got to come into play here. You’d think
that, with all the turbulence these couples see in their relationships,
one of them is bound to start the divorce domino effect. While I’m
hoping for Naomi’s sake it’s the Uso marriage, this could be the Lucky
Winner. He says she is on the road so much they barely get to talk or
text. He says he has always been around guns, and his reason for having
one is to protect her. Eva accepts this in two seconds and they move on.
She says they could get a dog for protection and, ironically, he
doesn’t want one. She says she should get one anyhow, because that’s
what he did. (MATT: There is a frighteningly dark vibe
coursing through these relationships. These Divas would be better off
seeing “Tattoo”.)

SCOTTSDALE, AZ


Tuck Shop (Restaurant)
Brie and Bryan are having breakfast
with Brie’s mom, Kathy. She remarks he was the most clean cut wrestler
on the show and then Brie got hold of him and he grew his hair and beard
out. He tells them that the doctor wants to do surgery to clear up the
blockage, however, he wants to do the least invasive thing first. Mom
thinks that Bryan should do the surgery sooner so he can go back to
work. Bryan wishes they would both be more understanding why he doesn’t
want surgery as they aren’t 100% sure what is wrong with him yet. (MATT: Bryan, I love you, but you’re gonna have to face the fact that you’re being a goddamn moron.)

Weekly Wrapup

DANIELLE

This week’s punches go to: Jon (Eva Marie’s husband) and Brie
– Jon tried to convince his wife to get a gun. Eva compromised and went
to a gun range to see how a gun felt to her. She didn’t want one. He
wanted to get one. She shot out a light. He still wanted one. She came
home, so tired that she couldn’t remember what town she’d just been in
and comes home to find out that she’s a gun owner. It’s a good idea to
force ideas on people, unless it’s a religious belief system – eh, Jon?

Brie
once again thinks of her husband’s injury, recovery, heck his whole
existence on how it will benefit her. She has no empathy or even
sympathy for his pain and this episode seems more money hungry than even
Nikki and that’s saying a lot.

This week’s hug goes to: Cameron
– Taking time off of her job to find her brother and then arranging for
him to meet with former gang members was inspired (probably something
she was told to do by the producers and writers, mind you, but still
inspired). She obviously cares a lot for her family, truly is not that
out of touch with them despite being gone a lot for her job, and is the
kind of big sister every sibling should have.

MATT

This week’s annoying cast member is: Eva/Daniel Bryan (tie). I
mean, come on. Either we’re bullshitting everyone and he got his
surgery or Daniel Bryan is a giant, stupid idiot whose “green” beliefs
have erased the logical center of his brain. Not getting surgery for a
major injury is a dumb fucking idea. Forget the career impact. If you’re
not getting surgery for these issues, you risk long-term disability.
That’s pretty unfortunate. And Eva…holy shit. Railroaded constantly.
Submissive. Acquiescing constantly. All that build up to a final row
over a semi-important issue and it’s, “Here’s my side, Eva,” and “Oh,
ok. That’s cool.” Really?

This week’s hug goes to: John Cena. The
dude who’s on the show all of 90 seconds and he always sounds smarter
than the combined cast of the entire show. He should be the guy doing
these wrap-ups because he always seems to put everything in perspective.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 4 – “Divas Unchained”

When we last saw the Divas in “Roadside Rumble”, several of the girls had had more verbal fights then they did actual fights in the ring (MATT: And better ones, too.):

  • Brie and her husband, Daniel Bryan, have no real life work skills outside of wrestling. So they decide that running a hotel will fix this problem. Realizing that the $50,000 dollars she had in her savings wasn’t going to fund the endeavor, Brie asked Nikki if her boyfriend, John Cena, would be willing to lend her and Bryan the rest of the money. Nikki agreed to this (without asking Cena first) and hilarity ensued.
  • Eva Marie learned that you cannot play both sides of an argument. Though she wanted to have a Catholic wedding with Jon (MATT: Not Cena), her husband who she eloped with months before, she endlessly pushed her husband to convert out of love for her Dad. Eventually, she realized he would never do it and she was able to get her dad to agree to having a non-Catholic service.
  • Rosa paid for half of the rental car bill for the car to drive herself and Nattie from one show to another. She insisted that Summer Rae come along even though she knew Summer Rae and Nattie hate each other. Nattie attempted to vaguely blame physical health issues on Summer, which angered Summer who, in return, blamed Nattie and Tyson Kidd’s marital problems on Nattie’s attitude. This lead to a bit of a catfight with Rosa becoming a reluctant mediator. Rosa convinced both girls to get back in the car and for her to drive while they road in silence.

Does this episode, “Divas Unchained” bring us more verbal fighting? Matt and I will try to get along as we watch this and report!

FLORIDA

Backstage for WWE event
Paige is walking with Rosa and tells Rosa that it’s her birthday, Rosa hugs her.

PICTURED: The tragic climax from Of Mice and Men

Paige compliments Rosa’s boobs, saying that it’s like “being hugged by a big cushion”. Rosa shows off her dress and tells Paige she has “dominatrix-style boots” and then says that she wants to see Paige in her “stripper outfit”. (MATT: Jesus, even 4Chan trolls aren’t this forward.) Paige agrees if Rosa won’t “touch the goodies”. Rosa asks if she can give her a birthday kiss later. Paige says she feels Rosa is coming onto her and Rosa confirms on camera that she thinks Paige is attractive.

TITLES.

HOLLYWOOD, CA

Mari Vanna (Restaurant)
The Bella Twins are having lunch and Nikki orders champagne and wine. Brie is confused as to why she is ordering so much stuff and asks if they’re “celebrating something”. Nikki says she’s celebrating her sister and “this restaurant”. (MATT: She’s celebrating the existence of a restaurant? What?) Nikki wants a $250 dollar bottle of wine, saying that “they deserve it”. Brie tells Nikki to scrap that idea but Nikki won’t budge. Brie expresses her discontent to the camera, saying she’s peeved that Nikki is ordering expensive things when she and Bryan don’t have a job.

TAMPA, FL

Rosa’s Car
Nattie complains that Rosa’s outfit is like “wearing nothing”. (MATT: Every single Diva is hitting their character spots early on. Very good. Everyone can do a shot now.) Nattie tells Rosa that her birthday was yesterday but that nobody — including TJ — got her a cake, presents or anything else. Rosa tells the camera she owes Nattie everything as she was there for Rosa when she hit rock bottom with her addiction.

Pinarama Bowling
Trinity and Jimmy Uso are bowling with one of his friends. He calls Trinity a “chump” and says he’s the “champ”. She gets a strike and goes crazy rubbing it in, telling Jimmy that she doesn’t even know how to bowl. Suddenly, she says her stomach feels awful and she feels lightheaded and she needs to sit down. (MATT: With a huge “this is scripted bullshit” grin on her face.) She tells the cameras that she had her birth control implant taken out as it was causing her issues and now she can’t stop bleeding. Jimmy, being the supportive, understanding boyfriend that he is, says it’s been hell since she had it put in and compares her vaginal bleeding to “The Shining”. He says it’s been hell for her and that she should see a doctor. Trinity correctly calls it that he’s more interested in getting to have sex with her than her health. Jimmy agrees. Understanding and supportive.

SAN DIEDO, CA

Nikki’s Car
Nikki and Brie are driving with a GPS guiding them. They are on their way to one of her egg-freezing appointments. Nikki is concerned about the drought as she thinks it could impact wine grapes and she doesn’t want wine prices to rise. (MATT: Yeah, wouldn’t want those $250 dollar bottles of wine to double in price.) Brie is disgusted that Nikki’s first concern is wine prices and says Nikki’s priorities are out of whack. Nikki argues that the thought is genuine and that “it’s crazy when you think about it.” Brie: “No…not really,” then asks Nikki if she thinks that she can survive on wine the rest of her life. Nikki doesn’t answer the question and, instead, criticizes Brie for being cranky. Brie says that she isn’t cranky and that she’s just upset that Nikki knew she had to be somewhere far from where she lived and procrastinated to the point where they have to sit in rush hour traffic to get there. Nikki tries to argue more and Brie tells her to shut the fuck up and that Nikki is just pissing her off. Nikki, again, reminds her that she has no job and no money coming in. (MATT: That’ll make it better.)

ORLANDO, FL

NXT Takeover
Charlotte Flair (MATT: …who, essentially, looks like her father dressed in drag) is fighting Nattie for the NXT Womens Championship. Nattie recalls that this match is also in the name of family honor as Flair and Hart are famous wrestling families. Backstage, Summer, Eva and Rosa watch. Rosa mentions that TJ forgot Nattie’s birthday. Summer: “You can’t forget someone’s birthday when there’s Twitter.” (MATT: Jesus Christ, Summer…) Nattie, in true Charlie Brown fashion, loses the match. Rosa actually starts crying.

PHOENIX, AZ

B&B Appliances
Brie and Bryan are looking for a washer and dryer. Brie tells the camera that she spent weeks looking for just the right washer/dryer set and now she found one she loves — but Bryan wants to take a look at them before they buy it. Brie’s upset because she simply wanted to order online. Bryan suggests used sets, which disgusts Brie because she says that there are still germs from people’s old clothes. (MATT: And Bryan looks at her like…)


He wisely points out that she’s used public laundries and that clothes don’t assume the germs from other clothes. She yells at him for having to spend so much of her day driving him places and he points out that had she not slept in, it would not have been so much of her day. (MATT: For the record, Brie’s idea of “doing stuff on her own time” was “going to Yoga class”, which we all know doesn’t include membership fees and which you can’t do at home.) She insists they leave without buying anything. A Bella twin leaving a store without a purchase?! That’s a first. (MATT: Nice!)

TAMPA, FL

Nattie & TJ’s House
Nattie’s parents are in town along with “Doug”, listed as “a friend” (MATT:  and Nattie about her match with Charlotte Flair. She decides to throw herself a birthday party with sushi in hopes that “he’ll get the hint next year”. (MATT: That’s right. We’re passively-aggressively-VAGUELY punishing TJ for a severe marital misdeed.) TJ reveals he and her family got her a gift — an “anti-gravity” machine. “Russian Astronauts use it in space,” proclaims Doug in muted fashion. (MATT: Even Doug seems to know this was a bad idea.) Nattie gets on the platform and Doug turns it on. Nattie says the thing makes her want to pee and gets off of it. She’s insulted and walks out of the room. She wanted something romantic and girly, not something “she’ll use behind closed doors that makes me jiggle.” They argue in the garage to the point where she walks out to her car to get away and drives off somewhere.

Townplace Suites
Nattie’s alone but is psyched(MATT: That was a quick change of moods.) that Rosa wants to come and hang with her. Nattie brings ice cream and hummus. (MATT: What is this, Preggers-palooza?) Rosa invites her to her place to hang. Nattie says she just wants to go to bed. Rosa almost kisses her but leaves.

TAMPA, FL

Insignia Care for Women
Naomi is with…some guy I assume is her brother or something. They meet with her OB/GYN and Naomi finds out she has a polyp inside her uterus. The doc says that it needs to be taken out as they wouldn’t want it to develop further. Naomi tells the camera she’s worried about missing work.

SAN DIEGO, CA

John Cena’s (MATT: Penis Extension.) Ferrari (MATT: Same thing.)
Nikki looks listless as she tells Cena that Bryan called her, asking if she’s seen changes in Brie. She says she has and that she told Bryan that Brie is lashing out a lot more — especially to her. Cena wisely asks if she spoke to Brie and Nikki says she has not. Cena agrees an intervention might be a good idea. Cena asks what Nikki would tell her sister, to which Nikki replies, “Stop being a bitch.”

TAMPA, FL

The Pub (Restaurant)
Rosa invites some Divas to celebrate Nattie’s birthday. Cameron is there, too, and says she’s happy that she went back to NXT as it’s helping her career. Nattie greats Cameron, Naomi, Rosa, and Eva Marie. Rosa says her heart is so full, having Nattie be so happy. (MATT: This, after she hits on Naomi.) Rosa gives Nattie some lingerie and Nattie is taken by suprise, asking Rose how she knew Natti’es bra size. Rosa: “I see you naked all the time”. Rosa adds that it’s transparent so her nipples will show through. Naomi gives her bubble bath. (MATT: Because being 93 years old is hot.) Nattie says she’s very touched — and they even have a cake for her.

Naomi & Jimmy’s Hotel Room
Jimmy’s watching wrestling on his phone, (MATT: Only 9.9–wait. Does Jimmy get a company discount?) Naomi’s stomach aches and she asks for a rub. He does it but is upset it won’t lead to sex. She tells him that her body needs to heal. Jimmy says it won’t ever heal and he’s sick of waiting. (MATT: He’s SO romantic and caring.) Naomi tells the camera that she was told that the polyp might bleed out on its own and she’d prefer that to surgery. John wants her to fix it now so he can get some. They’re married now and he needs it, he says.

Boca (Restaurant)
Summer and Rosa are meeting Naomi for lunch. Summer says she matches Rosa as they are both wearing light blue dresses. The girls are concerned that Naomi has been bleeding for 2 months straight. Summer says that Naomi may have an iron deficiency. (MATT: Summer “Doctor Feelgood” Rae up in here.) Naomi is bummed she can’t please her husband. Rosa just can’t stop her lesbian urges and suggests doing a pole dancing class which she’s always wanted to take. (MATT: That’s what will make her feel better?)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Bryan tells Nikki she must lead the intervention as he has to deal with her after she leaves. (MATT: Well, that was an intense meeting.)

TAMPA, FL

Impulse Pole Dancing Studio
Summer, Rosa and Naomi are off to take pole dancing classes. Naomi is nervous and says she needs to get her confidence up. They meet with their instructor, “Allie” and, soon, the ladies are making some moves. Summer comments on Naomi’s ass on camera, saying that she “needs to make it rain”. Naomi is a total pro and is ready to show Jon what she learned. (MATT: High-power Stripper Pole Aerobics — just fine. Sex — off-limits. Got it.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Brie greets the dog warmly, Daniel somewhat, and Nikki, not at all. Nikki thinks Brie will not react well to this. Nikki starts the intervention and, predictably, Nikki was correct. Brie gets upset with Nikki — so Bryan steps in and starts telling Brie that he’s noticed Brie’s behavioral changes, too. Brie says she was irritated because they chose a washer and dryer that was perfect but Bryan changed his mind and wasted another hour somewhere else for no reason. Nikki says “the whole thing sounds silly”. Brie gets up, calls her a bitch and says she’ll “remember to fly all the way to Tampa” when Nikki’s acting the same way in the future. She goes to leave.

Bryan says they’re talking with Brie because they’re both concerned about her. Brie says she should be able to have bad times: she’s stressed with no money coming in and has no idea when she might go back on TV to work. Brie sarcastically says that she didn’t realize she was being such an awful human being and says she has no idea how to deal with her life. She’s frustrated they might never bring her back. (MATT: Wasn’t her quitting a work?! Am I nuts here?) Brie finally realizes that she’s been mean to Nikki and Bryan. (MATT: And apologizes to the dog. At least she didn’t take pole-dancing classes to please Josie.)

TAMPA, FL

Cheap (Night Club)
Rosa says everyone’s out for the night because tomorrow, everyone has a day off. Fandango asks if Rosa’s boobs are real. Rosa tells him they’re “real nice”. Fandango asks the hard questions and wonders where TJ’s at. (MATT: Fandango – FOX NEWS ANALYST!) Nattie won’t answer. Rosa tells the camera she wants Nattie to feel how hot she is — and tries to kiss her in front of everyone. Everyone’s kinda stunned. Nattie’s clearly pissed off that Rosa is that bold and gets up from the table to use the restroom. Nattie tells the camera she is not ok with that. Naomi tries to talk her down from her indignant mountain top, saying that Nattie is “overreacting”. (MATT: Even the women on this show are Mansplaining. Sheesh.) She says doesn’t want Rosa’s tongue down her throat just because she’s having issues with TJ. She ignores Rosa for the rest of the evening, saying she doesn’t know how to act toward her.

PHOENIX, AZ

Binks (Restaurant)
Bryan criticizes the shortness of Brie’s skirt. (MATT: And the skirt gets up and leaves. Wait…no. Sorry. Wine’s kicking in.) Brie argues that the skirt covers her ass. (MATT: What the fuck is with this show in terms of women’s sexuality?!) Mark Carrano calls Brie. Carrano says that she’s going to be back on TV this weekend. She’s thrilled to be coming back. Bryan rubs it in that he was right. Brie apologizes for “being a bitch”. They toast to all of this. (MATT: And then Bryan, who’s suddenly gay, acts like he doesn’t like how short Brie’s skirt is. This is so surreal to me.)

TAMPA, FL

Jimmy & Naomi’s Apartment
Naomi is making some sort of bracelet for Jimmy and she says she has a surprise for him. Jimmy’s grinning from ear to ear. (MATT: Curiously, his first reaction is, “Did I do something wrong?”) She gives him a stripper pole as a gift and offers to dance for him. He hates the present because Reality TV. “You’re just trying to put a Band-Aid on what really is going on,” he says. She tells Jimmy that she’s scared about the doctor and doesn’t want to be cut open. Jimmy asks her what happens if they say they have to take out an ovary. He says they won’t be able to have kids if that happens. He gets intense and Naomi tells him to back off. This pisses him off, so he throws the present across the room and leaves. (MATT: So…no dance then, or…?) She tells him to sit down and that she heard what he said. She said she is scared. He says she needs to get this taken care of. Naomi has changed her mind and she will make an appointment. Jimmy says the stripper pole is now “the best gift he’s ever gotten.” (MATT: Wha…? I…come on…)

PITTSBURGH, PA for FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN

Backstage
Nattie pulls Rosa aside to talk to Rosa about trying to kiss her. Rosa says she wanted to (MATT: …fuck Nattie.) make Nattie feel confident (MATT: So she could fuck her.) Rosa says that if girls hit on Nattie, then (MATT: Nattie will want to fuck Rosa.) Nattie will know that she’s “hot”. So, complimenting her couldn’t have worked? Nattie says she knows Rosa means well. Rosa goes Full Jared and says she knows that TJ “isn’t giving it to her at home”. Nattie says they’re not in the First Grade. They joke about the kiss. Then Rosa slaps Nattie’s ass as they walk backstage. Nattie tells her to stop it again. (MATT: But unwanted sexual advances are sooooo HOT, Nattie!)

TAMPA, FL

Restaurant in Tampa
Nattie meets TJ for dinner. She’s wearing one of his sweatshirts, which he likes. She says that she thinks he doesn’t pay enough romantic attention to her. He says she literally ran from her problems. She says she feels like nothing will change if she comes home and adds, “I think we do better when we’re not around each other.” She doesn’t know if she can or wants to do this anymore. He says that 12 years being together was no problem for them, but he’s shocked that one year of marriage was a problem. Nattie looks ready to say something — but Mark Carrano calls her and she tells TJ she has to go…and takes the call.

That’s the show.

DANIELLE

This week’s hug goes to…NAOMI: Despite her attitude of capitulation, she sweetly tried to do something for Jimmy, even though it hurt her.

This week’s punch goes to…TIE BETWEEN NIKKI & ROSA: Nikki’s on a streak. Even when she’s well-meaning, she comes off as arrogant and selfish. And Rosa is certifiable and doesn’t know which way is up.

MATT

This week’s hug goes to…NAOMI: Barring the fact that we’re supposed to buy that she’s in no shape for sex but has the physical strength to do a pole dance, issues like hers are something I always sympathize with. She seems genuinely sweet…except when she’s excusing Rosa’s behavior and cow-towing to her abusive husband.

Annoying Diva of the Week is…TIE BETWEEN NIKKI, ROSA, BRIE, & CAMERON: Let’s see here. Nikki and Brie are pretty much the same person with different selfish issues. Rosa is practically a lesbian date rapist and Cameron, in just the short minute she was shown, is still intensely whiny and annoying.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 3 – “Roadside Rumble”

In our last episode, “Mo’ Marriage, Mo’
Problems”, we saw what happened when some of our Divas were pushed to
their personal limits.

  • Told she would no longer be in The Funkadactyls as a tag team
    wrestler, and would instead be Naomi’s valet, Cameron decided to return
    to NXT to gather more skills and come back stronger. She made rational
    arguments, she cried, and even though it might mean losing Naomi as a
    friend and tag team partner forever, she’s going for it.
  • Nikki was forced to tell John Cena she was freezing her eggs (when
    he found her syringes). His first guess was that she was using illegal
    drugs, which says a lot about he sees her. She told him she would stop
    the procedure if he wanted her to, he passive aggressively said he
    didn’t but made jokes about her the procedure all week, and then after
    spending time with her cute nieces and nephews (to fully drive home the
    point with viewers), she decided to do the procedure even though she
    will have to give up wrestling, alcohol and sex for that time. Really, I
    don’t know which of the three will be harder for her to give up.
  • Brie and Daniel Bryan argued about their new house. Basically they
    bought a house they liked and wanted to turn it into one they loved by
    changing everything about it practically. They both wanted many things
    added, but different and expensive things. Brie pouted, and went table
    shopping without him, but when she was forced to confront the fact that
    due to his neck injury and surgery he would be out of wrestling for a
    while and might lose the Championship Title, she decided to compromise
    about things for and in the house (ironically advice given to her by
    Nikki who probably had to Google the word to give this advice).

This episode is billed as showing “why coworkers shouldn’t
carpool”. Considering Matt and I have both been in carpools together, at
one point in the same one with someone else — and our mutual
experiences have shown they can be out of control — we both can’t wait
to see what happens with the Divas carpooling together. Limits will be
reached for sure on this episode!

CHICAGO, IL

WWE Payback 2014 – Ringside
Stephanie’s
music plays and she comes out and invites Daniel Bryan to return. He
has the belts, but is wearing a neck brace over his Cesar
Chavez-inspired YES shirt. Brie joins him and tells the camera that the
best thing about the show is that they can incorporate some of their
real lives in, like his surgery. It’s the whole bit where Steph asks
Bryan to surrender the title or Brie gets canned. As if The Authority
couldn’t just strip him of them? (MATT: Yeah, I think we all said the same.)
Brie says she can’t be fired because she quits and then slaps
Stephanie. Initially, when I saw this episode, I thought that Brie would
announce she was preggers. Apparently, this didn’t happen.

Backstage 
Brie (who is there with Bryan) tells Nikki that, with her absence, she will have the time to nurse Daniel Bryan back to help. (MATT: There’s a lot of talk about the Bellas “nursing” their guys. We never see this happening. I feel profoundly ripped off.) Guess they spent so much on his solar panels, they can’t afford a real nurse. (MATT: Hi-yoooo!)
She admits, to the camera, that she quit on camera to as part of the
storyline to help him in real life. Nikki tells them that the rumors are
that she’s pregnant and that’s why she’s taking time off. Bryan says
he’s “trying to get it done”. Brie says they’re having fun “trying”.
Yes, because the best time to
start a family is when you have one breadwinner out with a disability on
a job that probably doesn’t even give disability benefits and the
other just quit their job. (MATT: If Brie was preggers, wouldn’t she tell Nikki before she had to ask?) 

Total Divas Titles.

PHOENIX, AZ

Noca (Restaurant)
“This place is cute,” Brie says as they (MATT: …plug…) enter
“Noca”. Brie, Bryan, Kathy (Brie’s mom), JJ and Lauren are getting
together to have dinner. Brie is wearing a white seedbead headband,
something, I guess she supposes makes her look like a bride. (MATT: But makes her look Yuppie-Hippy instead.)
Kathy gives Bryan a copy of the book, “Walk Away Wealthy”. He agrees
the plan is to leave the business wealthy. The cameras flash to two days
ago where they agreed they have no backup plan. In fact, Bryan says he
doesn’t have any skills. I disagree. He can rally the crowd like few
wrestlers can do. (MATT: Let me just put “Excels at rallying crowds” on my resume and see how far that gets me…)
When his career ends, he has the charisma to do something with
motivating people either in large groups or one on one. Kathy suggests
they come into JBN (Kathy’s recruiting firm) the next day and find what
they are passionate about. Brie asks if they have to dress up. Kathy
says they should dress to make an impression. Bryan jokes he should go
in tie dye but “people might hit me up for drugs.” (MATT: Ok,
forgiving the fact that they’ve been out of wrestling for all of two
minutes and they’re considering temp work that wouldn’t pay a credit
card bill, Nikki and Brie dress fancy to get a Slurpee at 7-11 and she’s
asking if she needs to dress fancy for a job interview?)

GREENSBOROUGH, WI

Friday Night Smackdown – Ringside
Adam
Rose and the Exotic Express make an appearance and come out to his
music. This is one wrestler and gimmick Matt and I don’t agree on. (MATT: This.) Matt
and I went to different colleges with vastly different party scenes (or
lack thereof). I think the gimmick is hysterical, something in some
ways not too far away from a frat party or two I attended. Matt thinks
the whole lot of them need to grow up and the bunny especially needs to
go. (MATT: I went to school in San Luis Obispo and saw my fair share
of parties. Save for costume parties, I don’t remember the students
dancing around like idiots, looking like a costume shop threw up on
them. This is WWE not having one clue about these things, imagining what
they think a party would look like. On top of that, the
character sucks. There’s nothing to latch on to and there’s no feud that
would work to get him higher than a comedy wrestler.)

Ringside/Backstage (Alternating)
Backstage,
Natalya, Eva Marie and Nikki arbitrarily stop in a small storage room
to watch the match on a randomly-placed HD screen. (MATT: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wandered backstage and walked into a storage room so that I can watch stuff.)

Layla is shown, briefly, outside the ring and the show helpfully identifies her as Fandango’s “New Valet”. Fandango loses (MATT: LOL) as Adam Rose and the whole Exotic Express group celebrates…except for the somebody in a chicken costume.

(MATT: “Bawk, bawk, bawk…happy nightmares, kids!”)

The chicken takes off her mask and, wouldn’t you know it: it’s Summer Rae. (MATT: The chicken suit was more attractive.) She declares (to the camera) that she’s back. In the ring, she starts pummeling Layla.

Natalya
doesn’t look at all happy and tells the camera that Summer is a drama
queen and they show us flashbacks from previous episodes where nobody
likes Summer. Natalya compares Summer’s presence to “having sand in your
bikini”. (MATT: Summer’s like bikini sand, Rosa’s like Hitler,
watching Rosa is like cleaning a toilet…Nattie should have been a beat
poet.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s House
Brie
and Bryan get dressed for their interview and we’re asked to suspend
our disbelief as they go Full Retard and pretend to not know anything
about dressing up at all. Daniel Bryan pulls on socks that look like
they belong to Ronald McDonald’s gay cousin and Brie’s especially
nervous…

(MATT: Spoiler Alert – Brie’s probably not getting a job.)

JBN & Associates, LLC
Bryan and Brie meet their adviser, Vanessa. He admits that he was dressed by Brie. (MATT: Excellent start to this interview.) Vanessa
asks if they have resumes. They sit in stunned silence. She asks what
skills they have. Bryan says he has his resume “on his brain” and says
he’s WWE Champion. Brie says she hates routine while Bryan says he isn’t
a people person. Then he brags that he has 1.4 million Twitter
followers (MATT: Being the non-people person he is.) as well as
the YES chant. Vanessa sits there, looking constipated. She asks Bryan
if he seriously thinks he can feed a family with the YES chant. Brie
tells the camera that this isn’t going well and expresses disappointment
that they couldn’t just get a job and that they actually need to “dig
down deep”. (MATT: Repeating First Grade English might be a start.)

TAMPA, FL

Gym Workout
Nattie and (MATT: Hitler…) Rosa (MATT: Same thing.)
are working out. The girls compare asses. Rosa tells the camera she
feels more confident with Nattie taking her under her wing. Summer Rae
shows up and hugs Rosa. She’s been shooting “The Marine 4” with The Miz.
Apparently, it’s one of the largest WWE film franchises and a cash cow
for the company. Nattie is not pleased to see Summer and says that she’s
surprised Summer didn’t hook up with any of the hot actors. Nattie
already shows fangs and tells Summer that Layla is “killing it” as
Fandango’s valet because “she’s actually a dancer” and doesn’t need to
seduce somebody to get what she wants. Summer looks incredulous. Summer
builds herself up and says she had fun. Rosa says the girls will be
jealous of her because of the movie shoot. Nattie begs to differ and
says that the Bellas did The Flintstones and AJ got to put her voice in
the Scooby Doo animated film. Summer tries to rebut this but Nattie
simply interrupts and says, “We’re trying to work out.”

Nattie
excuses herself to lift her little 5 pound weights. Rosa and Nattie say
good-bye — but not before Rosa makes her feel her abs and boobs. (MATT: This is all well and good…but nobody’s said “vagina” yet, so this episode doesn’t feel “official”…)
After she’s gone, Rosa asks Nattie what that was about. Nattie says she
can’t stand Summer and she’s trying to get to Nattie by getting close
to Rosa. (MATT: Wait…Nattie doesn’t care about Rosa either…this makes WWE booking look well-nuanced.)
Rosa pretty much says that this is all in Nattie’s head. Nattie says
Rosa has no concept of what Summer is all about because Summer hasn’t
burned her yet.

PHOENIX, AZ

Bryan and Brie’s house
Byran
is on Insider Monkey looking for the most profitable businesses to
start but isn’t sure he should trust a site called “Insider Monkey”. He
says they could be property owners and lease their buildings out to
dentists. Brie says that they can’t be dentists. Bryan has to explain
the light bulb above his head: “We wouldn’t be dentists…we’d have offices for the dentists.”

(MATT: Brie’s had enough of your shit, Bryan.)

Brie suggests having a bed and breakfast with a
“green” focus and tells the camera that they’ve always wanted to retire
in Flagstaff and do something like this. They’re all in until Bryan
finds out that a ten-acre lot costs about $3 million bucks. Bryan finds a
house for nearly a million. She wants a business with good energy and
sex. He suggest opening a B&B catering to swingers. Brie’s not
having that.

MEANWHILE, IN…

(MATT: Home of cable cars, MUNI, and the Golden Gate!)

Eva & John’s car
Eva Marie, Bollywood Star, and her husband, Not John Cena, drive in her car.

(MATT: “Chamma Chamma…Chamma Chamma…Chamma Chamma…Baaje Reee…”)

Eva asks if John likes her headpiece. Considering
Brie was wearing one at one point, WWE must be doing some advertising.
Either that or it’s Arbitrary Headpiece Day on the show. Eva wants a
stress-free day: no getting into the planning and no talk about the
religion aspect of things. John says he’ll just say they’re discussing
it. Eva’s a bit hesitant about that. John says that they’re not talking
about it “Ad naseum”. Eva: “OMG…stop using your big words.” (MATT: All review, I’ve been resisting using my Stupid Nikki pic…I’m barely able to hold back that urge…)

PHOENIX, AZ

Abineau Lodge 
Bryan
and Brie are checking out their next new potential career as B&B
owners. They meet with Sharon Conte, a realtor, and Wendy White, the
owner. They look at the different rooms and find out that each one is decorated just slightly different, with cute patchwork quilts and oak beds and paneling. (MATT: It falls somewhere between your parents’ 60’s cabin in Tahoe and a place where a serial killer would hide the bodies.) Their
dog, Josie, is there because they want to see if Josie is comfy with
the place. Brie’s stoked with the place. Bryan loves it, too, but he
says they’ll go into debt if they have to take out a loan to pay for it.

MEANWHILE, BACK IN…

(MATT: Home of Castro Street, Alcatraz and your two-time World Champion San Francisco Giants!)

Eva Marie’s Parent’s House
Eva Marie is
having a BBQ with her family and friends, which includes her
bridesmaids. Though pushed to join in, john refused to be in their
“Horseshoe Tournament” as he “doesn’t want to beat them on their own
turf”. (MATT: Ah, Horseshoes. Beer Pong’s macho hick predecessor.) Her
brothers ask about the conversion thing. Eva tries to get them to drop
the topic but they surround Jon like L.A. gang members and push it. Then
Jon takes it from her parents. Her Dad says he was raised Catholic and
raised his kids that way. He asks Eva that if it was up to her, would
they have Catholic wedding. Eva she says she would. Jon says she’s
throwing him under the bus. He excuses himself maturely and walks away
from the table and even the house.

When we come back from break, it’s Big Trouble in Little Concord.

Eva
follows Jon out to the street. He tells her to stay away from him for a
few minutes because he just needs to decompress. He says he’s being
thrown under the bus because she won’t stand up to her family. He tells
her that he understands the passion she has to not disappoint her family
but that he’s also family now and that he deserves the same passion —
only more so. She says she feels so much pressure to not disappoint,
especially as the only girl and with her Dad so sick. She wants the
wedding to be the happiest day of everyone’s life. He gets that…but he
says the request to have him be somebody he’s not is ridiculous. (MATT: Let’s stretch this angle out over four more episodes. It really shouldn’t be this hard to figure out.)

SAN DIEGO, CA

The Wood (Restaurant)
Nikki
and Brie are dressed like a Nautica ad and they’re having drinks.
Because of Brie’s out-of-the-blue invite and insistence on seeing her,
Nikki asks if Brie is pregnant — then realizes that Brie ordered a
drink, so that can’t be it.

(MATT: “I’s so smart!”)

Brie explains her “back-up plan”. Nikki mocks Brie
for failing the career assessment test to which Brie replies,
“Yeah…bitch…anyway…”. She proposes her B&B idea and explains
the benefits: sustainable, good clientele, etc. She says that the only
problem is financing this so that they can get started…so, what if she
could borrow from her and John. Nikki’s stunned. Brie continues to
explain that they can manage about $50K but is asking Nikki and John for
the rest: $100K. Nikki thinks Cena will let them have an interest-free
loan, then says that Brie and Bryan could pay back $2K a month. Brie’s
all good with this…despite the fact that it isn’t Nikki’s money. Nikki
explains that she doesn’t wanna let her sister down and that she
doesn’t know if it’s the Vodka that’s making the hotel proposal sound
good or if it’s because this is two people living their dream — but she
wants in.

CONCORD, CA
(MATT: Home of Pier 39! The Embarcadero! Ghiradelli Squ–!)
(DANIELLE: They get it already! Fuck!)

Eva Marie’s Parents’ House
Eva starts baby-talking to her Dad. (MATT: *Shudder*…)
She fights back tears, saying that she has to have her husband’s back.
She wants a Catholic wedding so as not to disappoint her Dad…but Jon
won’t convert. That’s that. Eva’s Dad says that it’s their life and
that’s their decision and he’ll support her even if it’s not a Catholic
wedding. Eva’s Dad (MATT: …suddenly channeling a wide-eyed, shouty Al Pacino for some reason…) declares that they’ll be happy if his kids are happy.

(MATT: “Hoo-ah!”)

They hug it out and you can’t tell where Eva went because her hair is the same color as her Dad’s shirt. (MATT: Which is either a weird metaphor for past incestual contact or a goofy coincidence.) Eva’s
happy and tells the camera that she’s so happy that her Dad is happy.
Eva Marie tells Jon that she is so in love with him. She says this whole
ordeal has made them stronger.

SAN DIEGO, CA

The Promiscuous Fork (Restaurant)
Nikki (MATT: Suddenly dubbed “Nicole” because this part is real important…)
and John are having lunch. Nikki drops the B&B thing on Cena,
saying they’re gonna do it. Cena’s not thrilled about their plans,
contending that it’s a risk. She tells the camera that she thinks John
will go for the loan idea as he has great business sense. She drops the
loan idea on Cena. Nikki proposes that they could pay him back in 6 1/2
years at 2K a year. John does not look happy at all and just says, “No.”
Nikki looks shocked and says, “This didn’t go as planned.” (MATT: Oh, that crazy Nikki!) Cena
asks Nikki if she’s serious, saying that he would be coughing up $100K
at a start-up business, owned by two people with no experience at
running a B&B or any sort of similar establishment. He says he can’t
do something like that. He lost money on every friend and family member
who borrowed money from him to start a business. He says he is
sympathetic to Brie and Bryan’s plight and that Nikki’s intentions are
good…but he can’t take a risk like that. Cena says he’ll even tell
Brie why he can’t do it and he’ll do it nicely. Their food arrives and
he says, “I like hamburgers…doesn’t mean that I wanna open up a burger
joint.” (MATT: Yeah, just because he likes wrestling doesn’t mean he can wrestle either.)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Bryan’s house
Bryan
asks if Brie asked John for a loan. Brie denies doing so. Bryan says
Cena just called about it. Brie smirks, giving away the game. Bryan
tells Brie that this isn’t funny and that Brie shouldn’t have even asked
him for the money. He says they’re married and every decision they make
is one that is made together, with communication. Bryan says this makes
him look like crap and that he’s unable to support his family. Brie
says, “You’re acting like this is serious.” Bryan: “It IS!” Bryan’s
pissed and walks out of the room. Brie says he’s being “rude”. (MATT: The Bellas ain’t never getting out of the “Annoying Divas” realm, are they?)

MINNEAPOLIS, MN

Backstage at the Target Center – Monday Night RAW
Rosa invited Summer to ride with her and Natalya. (MATT: Because plot contrivance.) As both Rosa and Natty each paid half of the rental car, Rosa figured she’s entitled to invite others to ride. (MATT:
Flashback here shows Summer complaining to Rosa that when she drives,
the “drive is really long”. I couldn’t make this up if I were pounding
12 beers a minute.)
Summer offers to drive and Nattie denies that
request. Nattie says that if she knew Summer was coming, she would have
gotten a bigger car. (MATT: Not letting us down in the Hyperbole
department, Nattie says that inviting Summer to ride in the same car is
like “Allowing somebody to bring a deadly rattlesnake to ride along.”)

When
we come back from break, it’s night time in the car. Everyone’s quiet.
Suddenly, Natalya feels the need to start talking about their recent
live events and complains about having a cold. Nattie mentions that she
can’t smell things or taste food because of a nasal issue she has.
Summer tries to ask if it’s a condition she’s had for a while. Nattie
says it isn’t. Summer tells the camera that Nattie is blaming her nose
issues on her because of last season, when she slapped Nattie in the
face and hit her nose. Summer finally asks if it’s because of the slap.
Nattie says she heard rumors that Summer says she’s been faking the
issues with her nose. Summer denies this and Nattie talks over her. Rosa
tries to be the peacemaker to no avail. The two exchange insults.
Summer’s a stripper, Nattie’s a drama queen, etc. Finally, Summer fires
the first big missile and asks if Nattie treats TJ this way and, maybe,
that’s why they have issues. Nattie’s had it. She yanks the car to the
side of the road and pulls Summer’s bags out of the car. The two argue
even more. Nattie calls her “a piece of crap” with “no responsibility”.
Summer says that Nattie is crazy. Nattie returns fire, calling Summer
“fake”. Summer says, “ME?! Every hair on my head is REAL, honey. You’re
the one with the mullet.”

That’s all she wrote. Nattie
tests Summer’s hair cliam and pulls Summer out of the car, grabbing a
bunch of it. Summer screams and tells Nattie to get off of her. Rosa
gets between the women and tells Nattie to knock off the violent stuff.
Summer says Nattie is crazy…

(MATT: …and Rosa’s reaping the benefits…)

Natalya
takes her luggage out and starts walking. Summer says she will call the
police and starts to do so. Rosa begs Nattie to return to the car.
Summer continues to shoot her mouth off and Nattie attacks Summer again,
then tells Summer that her legs “have cellulite”. Rosa tells them both
that she got out of rehab and is trying to be stress-free and that this
isn’t helping. Rosa says that she will drive and nobody will talk and
that will be that. All the girls reluctantly agree.


INDIANAPOLIS, IN


Backstage at the Bankers Life Fieldhouse – Monday Night RAW
Nattie
needs to talk to Rosa. Nattie says that what happened in the car was
not necessary. Nattie says that nobody has Rosa’s back more than she
does. Rosa apologizes and says that she “didn’t know” that the two women
would be like that. (MATT: A whole season, Nattie’s stories about Summer, Summer’s whining about Nattie, the slap…nah, Rosa didn’t know of any danger.) Nattie
says that Summer’s words hurt. Rosa says it won’t happen again after
saying she didn’t like what she saw in Summer. The two hug it out. (MATT: And a new, sneaky alliance is born.)

PHILADELPHIA, PA


Wizard World ComicCon
The
Bellas do a photo shoot and say hello to a bunch of four year old girls
who look at the Bellas in awe. Nikki and Brie say hi to them as they
pass by. (MATT: Work hard, kids, and you could have a plastic body to make up for a horrifying lack of talent, too.) A
security guard escorts them and asks how Bryan is. Brie says his neck
is doing all right. Brie claims that Nikki is stressing Bryan out. Nikki
smirks and says, “Yeah – I don’t give out handouts.” Nikki says that
Brie needs a Marriage 101 instruction book. The twins argue at the booth
as they sign autographs. Nikki says that Brie has to share things with
Bryan and not keep things with him. Nikki says that Brie should get a
staging license and come work with her in real estate. Brie balks,
saying that Nikki would be her boss. Nikki tells her that Brie needs to
make money and that’s the key.

FLAGSTAFF, AZ

Brie and Bryan’s house
Bryan
comes home and Brie apologizes to him for going behind his back. He
says her heart was in the right place, but they need to talk about big
decisions. Bryan says that they need to make an agreement about money —
anything over $100 dollars needs to be agreed on. Brie’s not quite
happy, but agrees.

DANIELLE
 
THIS WEEK’S HUG GOES TO…BRIE:
Though it was crazy to think John would lend them money, she really is
looking out for their future. A bed and breakfast sounds like a fun idea
and, while it would be more work than she can imagine, her idea of
having one that was green and would support Daniel’s ideas was
beautiful.

THIS WEEK’S PUNCH GOES TO…SUMMER: She went crazy, egging Natalya on, basically was spoiling for the fight that could have been more intense.

MATT

THIS WEEK’S HUG GOES TO…ROSA: The
“hug” category really comes down to the lesser of the Honey Bunches of
Evil that roam this show like angry demons on Speed. Rosa seems happier
and more sane. Except, of course, for when she put two idiots in a car
together.

THIS WEEK’S ANNOYING DIVA IS…ALL THE OTHER DIVAS: What
else is new? Brie asks for a loan. Nikki practically promises her one,
then Cena denies the request. Brie acts like an ass to Danielson when he
finds out, then lashes out at Nikki who deflects blame (even though she
was part of it) and they continue to be the same materialistic morons
they play on TV. Meanwhile, Nattie’s fucking annoying, starts a
meaningless fight and Summer bites, and all hell breaks loose. This is
the kinda stuff we wait to see on reality TV. It’s also shit I actively
try to avoid because it’s such a pathetic attempt at getting ratings.

Er, that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 2 – “Mo’ Marriage, Mo’ Problems”

Last week, Total Divas came back for a third season, with an episode
in which a lot of our girls stretched the hell out of the truth.

  • When John Cena asked Nikki if she would, hypothetically, be happy
    with a marriage and no children, Nikki lied to him, herself, her sister
    and the world and said she’d be OK with that. Then, after Brie convinced
    her to freeze her eggs, she hid the fact that she was having a blood
    test for that procedure from Cena while he was in the house. 
  • Rosa Mendes joined as a new cast member and hid the fact that she
    was back from rehab from the girls (though management knew). Natalya hid
    how much she didn’t want to babysit Rosa as she had to do with Eva
    Marie and JoJo when they were newbies. Still they formed a truce as
    frenemies. (MATT: And Rosa greeted Nattie nude at the door of her hotel room. There was that.)
  • Eva Marie and her husband, John, decided to have another wedding for
    their family and friends to attend. She lied to her dad (whose cancer
    returned), telling him that they would have a Catholic wedding and lied
    to John, claiming that he didn’t have to convert or have such a wedding
    to keep the peace with her family.
  • (MATT: Concord is three miles from San Francisco.)
Will this episode have mo’ lying? (MATT: “Mo’ lyin”…well played. I like that.) (DANIELLE: Thanks!)
Matt and I armed with Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale will brave this episode,
and write way too much about it, so you don’t have to watch. (MATT: This goes out to DanimalCrossing: our #1 fan. :D)

TAMPA, FL

John and Nikki’s House
John
comes to Nikki with some of her syringes, continuing where we left off
from last week’s “cliffhanger”. She asks where he found it, as she had
some in her drawers and purse. Cena says Nikki “left them in plain
sight”. Then she then tells him that it’s hormones because she’s
freezing her eggs. He sighs with relief and said he thought it was
illegal drugs. (MATT: Yes, illegal drugs that come with prescription markings and safety wrap and vials with the hospital’s name on them.)
She explains that if she’s alone at 40 she’d want to have her 30 year
old eggs. He seems dismayed that she couldn’t just tell him that she was
doing this. Dramatic music plays and, leaving it unresolved, he just
tells her to put them where she needs to store them. Nikki’s just a
touch uncomfy with John’s mood change and shows us how attentive she is
in this regard:

(MATT: “I really like it better when he, like, says stuff.“)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s House
Brie
tells the camera they are packing up to the new house they just bought.
She tells the camera it’s the first house she’s ever owned. Daniel
comes out with a bunch of his kick pads and cannot believe how many he
owns. For this, she calls him a “kick pad whore”. Bryan says he doesn’t
have sex with the kick pads. (MATT: How does this banter make sense? How does it make any sense?) He
tells her she has to have sex with him for every set he gives her.
Bullying is wrong, kids, but implied prostitution? That’s A-OK! Brie
counts six and says that’s six chances to get pregnant. She reminds him
that she wants two kids “out of her vagina” by the time she’s 35. (MATT: As opposed to two kids being pushed from her nostrils?) They repeat the word vagina four times in the next ten seconds and we cut to the next scene. (MATT: A new record.)

INDIANAPOLIS, IN

CLO Cabaret – Cabaret at Theater Square
(MATT:
Fuck this editing. The place is in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, not
Indiana — just like San Francisco is different than CONCORD.)
Natty,
Eva and Nikki are going to dinner together, even though they all
basically hate each other. Nikki has picked this place because it has
“good reviews on Yelp”. (MATT: When it comes to Googling shit, Nikki and Brie are second to none.) Nikki
confesses she is in trouble with John as she didn’t tell him about the
egg-freezing thingee and she thought it would be easy to hide. Eva
confesses she’s trying to get her husband to convert to Catholicism. “We
need to have sleepovers,” Eva Marie tells her, “because we’ll be
sleeping together without our men.” (MATT: Saaaaaaay…)

MONDAY NIGHT RAW


Backstage
Nattie
and Rosa Mendes come in together as because Rosa can’t walk without a
chaperone. Why don’t they just suspend her if they don’t trust her? They
go to see Seamstress Sandra to make Rosa some new outfits. Rosa, the
anti-Cameron, tells her she has all the freedom she wants to design for
her.

Brie and Daniel walk into the backstage area.
Daniel removes his backpack and rubs his own shoulder, saying that it’s
been bothering him, setting up for what we all know is coming. Brie
tells the camera that Bryan wrestles “24-40 minutes every night for 250
days a year”. His body, much like a car, is on the verge of breaking
down due to all the abuse. Brie offers to trade massages with him, he
says the kind of massage he will give her won’t help her neck.

Meanwhile,
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations, takes The
Funkadactyls back to his office. “9 times out of 10, when you have news,
it ain’t good news,” Cameron tells him. She tells him he should have
Bad News Barrett deliver the news. I agree, especially if he wears a
cape. Capes are sexy. I keep trying to tell Matt he should wear get one
for home, but so far no cape. Maybe next paycheck. (MATT: Would you just…?! Let’s just…you just cover the show there, confessasaurus.)
Creative has decided Naomi will be a singles wrestler with Cameron as
her valet. Cameron tells the camera it’s like starting over as they were
valets for Brodus Clay for a year before they got to wrestle as The
Funkadactyls. She barely holds back tears. The girls talk it out
backstage. Naomi tries to make her see it could be a good thing. Cameron
goes to complain to Nattie and Eva Marie. Nattie says this will make
Cameron into Naomi’s “water girl”. Nattie points out that Cameron was
brought up from developmental fast and is amazed Cameron doesn’t see it
as she does. She even tells her that wrestling isn’t for everyone, which
is ironic, since Eva Marie is standing right next to her when she says this.

PHOENIX, AZ

Daniel Bryan’s car
Daniel,
Brie and Josie are off to get the keys to their new house. Brie says
that she is happy to be a homeowner and Daniel rubs it in as it should
be a “we” statement and not a “I”. Ok, so he’s a horndog and a grammar
police type. If Matt wrestled I’d swear he is related to Bryan. (MATT: Man…anybody get the license plate on that bus…?)

Bryan and Brie’s New House
When they walk in, they meet their contractor. Brie channels her inner-Nikki (MATT: She suddenly gets fake boobs and says “Vagina” over and over?)
and wants a bunch of changes to the bathroom. It turns out they have a
lot of requests: he wants a gym and solar panels, she want to remodel it
piece by piece in certain rooms. Couldn’t they have just paid for a
house to be made to their specifications? It might have been cheaper.
Brie tells the camera that she’s happy he wants to have a house that’s
“green” because Bryan’s concerned about saving the planet — but he
should let her do what she wants because “happy wife, happy life.” (MATT: So, essentially: “Eh…fuck the planet. I’m a selfish bitch.”)
Bryan says Nikki would do the same thing Brie is doing now: re-do the
house and that the changes she wants will take three months. And they
fight over a house they’ll never see because they’re on the road 85
percent of the time. He accuses her of wanting to re-do the entire house
and, in the tradition of PR agents everywhere, she ducks the question.
Brie puts her foot down and demands they do what she wants. Bryan says
they do everything she wants and that the whole wedding was the way she
wanted it. He reminds her that she said the house was “hers” when they
drove her and she walks out, disgusted.

Urban Furnishings Interior Design
Nikki
is with Brie to help her find a dining room table. Brie is making
Bryan’s argument for him by not bringing him in for this decision. (14
minutes in and I think I know who my punch is going to this week, it’s a
record.) (MATT: You’re stealing all the good jokes, dammit…)
Brie confesses to Nikki that Bryan thinks she’s overspending, but, so
what: Bryan is spending tons on solar panels…which, you know, end up saving you money in the long run.
Nikki, for some crazy reason, grew a brain this week and tells her they
have to compromise on spending, no matter what Brie thinks. Brie tells
the camera that Nikki doesn’t compromise, so why should she? Brie
stupidly shares that she was offended that Bryan said she was being like
Nikki TO Nikki. Brilliant. Nikki correctly calls this as a double diss
from them.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Anise Global Gastrobar
Cena and Nikki are out for dinner and she appears to be drinking something similar to a Pina Colada. (MATT: I guess her 10 Day Egg Freeze is up.) He asks her what it feels like to get the injections and what would have happened had he not caught her. (MATT: Uh…she would have done it regardless…?) He
realizes she took his advice that maybe he’s not the right man for her
by preparing in this way. He just realized he could, potentially, lose
her. (MATT: Nikki’s actual analysis: “John’s all, like…VULNERABLE now” and this whole thing “is, like…WOW.”) She
says that won’t happen. He says he doesn’t want her to leave. Nikki,
with possibly the best bluff ever outside of World Series of Poker says
she would stop the process if he wants, but he insists he doesn’t want
her to. (MATT: As Tania has repeatedly pointed out, she’s an AWFUL liar.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Random Studio
Cameron and Vincent go to a studio so she can cheer herself up about work by arbitrarily recording a song about WWE. (MATT: I can’t count how many times I blow off stress by going to a recording studio to tape songs about my job that hates me.)
She starts crying because she has so much passion for what she does.
She admits people usually stay in developmental for two years, her time
was only 3 months. She admits, on camera, that she was not ready.
Vincent says if she hadn’t been ready, they wouldn’t have brought her
up.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Better Buzzed
The Bellas are getting coffee at Better Buzzed, a little coffee place near the beach. (MATT:
Brie even makes sure to work in the establishment’s slogan: “Life’s
Better Buzzed!” All that’s missing is a cheesy freeze frame of her doing
a “thumbs up”.) 

(MATT: Pictured here – Nikki re-filling up her empty skull.)

Nikki confesses she’s working out hard again and Brie
balks, saying that she shouldn’t do that because of the whole frozen
egg thing. Nikki tells Brie she has decided to not freeze her eggs
anymore. Brie keeps urging her to keep doing the process as she doesn’t
know what the future is. “It’s another thing he’s taking away from you,”
Brie tells her. Brie says Cena is “taking something else from her”.
Brie asks her a “what-if”: “What if God was sitting in front of you and
asks you what you want? What would you tell him?”

(MATT: “Um…like…can you give Brie a new dining room table and a nice bathroom…?”)

Nikki doesn’t want to play this game and reminds her
that compromise is important in a relationship. Brie retorts that Nikki
is compromising everything. Brie says that John is controlling
everything and doing what he wants. (MATT: Brie actually asks what would happen if John wanted to freeze his eggs. Sigh…) The two argue until Nikki walks out (MATT: Coffee still fueling her noggin.).
Brie joins her, implying she thought Nikki would walk home. They
disagree on who the nice sister is. Brie apologizes and says she was
harsh.says that while they originally planned on having kids at the same
time, now her kids will babysit Nikki’s kids. Nikki says she needs a
drink, which solves everything. (MATT: #CENAWINSINREALLIFETOOLOL)

Datz Restaurant
Naomi stupidly teases Jimmy that the Usos aren’t the Tag Team Champions. (MATT: Holy shit! There are other Divas??? I thought this was TOTAL BELLAS!) Poke
that bear, Naomi! He tells Naomi that she should enjoy going solo
because it’s the only way she’ll ever get to the Divas Championship. She
tells him and the camera that she feels awful about her tag team
partnership breaking up. She doesn’t want to leave her friend behind. (MATT: She didn’t have a choice…am I nuts here…? But enough of all that! Back to the Bellas!)

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s Soon to Be Vacated House
Brie
is concerned when she comes home and sees that Bryan hasn’t packed
anything. He tells her he got back from his MRI and will need surgery.
It’s so serious that it could be a permanent injury and he needs surgery
that next week. He will be off the tour for the coming future and Brie
asks if they will take the Championship from him. He doesn’t have an
answer to that. They hug it out.

SAN DIEGO, CA

Bella Cousin’s Villa
The
twins are visiting the cousins with all the obligatory nieces and
nephews to make them both feel inadequate for not yet having a child.
Nikki reads to the kids (though Brie jokes that she can’t read) and gets
called a natural by her cousin Kevin.

(MATT: “Like, OMG, guize! That’s sooooo not troooo!”)

Nikki laments that she may have to be “the world’s
greatest aunt” forever. She’s 30, many women have their first child a
lot older than that.

GREENVILLE, SC – Monday Night RAW

Backstage
Nattie,
Brie and Eva Marie watch Daniel on stage. She admits that she has some
commitment with Nikki in New York while Bryan’s getting surgery in
Pittsburgh. They imply it’s work related but she doesn’t elaborate on it
much. Daniel makes his announcement about leaving and not knowing when
he will come back. He gets the audience to chant YES, then tells them
that he will be back. I don’t know why they didn’t have Brie by his side
in the ring for this.


NEW YORK, NY

Brie’s Hotel Room
Brie
is talking with Daniel on the phone. She feels like a bad wife because
she’s so far away from him during his hour in need. He does have his
sister with him but, of course, that isn’t the same thing. She tells the
camera she feels silly for arguing with him over material things.

Press Event
The twins pose for cameras and get asked silly questions. (MATT: Don’t make me break out the Nikki Thinking Meme.) Someone asks how Daniel is but no one answers.

PHOENIX, AZ

Brie and Daniel’s House
Brie
comes home to find Daniel in bed under a great wall print that says
“You have my whole heart for my whole life.” She kisses him and Josie
gets in the way. Our cat, Inky, is like this sometimes. Daniel says the
surgery was successful, but he doesn’t know when he can come back.
Daniel says WWE will probably take the title off of him while he’s gone
because they can’t have an inactive champ. Brie says the fans would be
upset if they take the titles away. Daniel says that she would be upset, joking that she’s only with him because he’s champion and says she would leave after that happens. (MATT: She doesn’t deny that shit. Not once…you can actually see it on her face…it’s creepy.) Finally, they agree that they can compromise on the interior decoration of their new place.

SAN DIEGO, CA

CrossFit PB Gym
Cena
and Nikki are working out with weights. Cena drops his on the ground
after because he’s rich and he can buy and sell the gym multiple times
over without even noticing the money is gone. Nikki jokes that she could
lift too much and burst an ovary. She decides to tell him that she’s
going to keep going with the egg freezing process. Even though he said
he wouldn’t tell her not to, he sighs heavily and asks if she is sure
wants to do it. Way to be a passive aggressive boyfriend, there, John.

COLUMBUS, OH – Monday Night RAW

(MATT: That’s three RAW events in one week. That’s gotta violate some fundamental law of time and space.)

Backstage
Naomi and Cameron are dressed alike and stretching. Cameron is not happy that her job is basically watch the match at ringside. (MATT: She does that better than she wrestles.)


Ringside
Naomi pins the Divas Champion, Paige who,
in my opinion, would have made a much more interesting addition to this
show than Rosa Mendes. (MATT: Ditto.)

Backstage
Chris Amann, MD, WWE Senior Physician, talks to Brie and Daniel. Amann tells them that there’s some bad news. (MATT: We should have had Bad News Barrett tell them tha–oh…Cameron already did that joke? She did? Ok…let’s move on.)
Brie is stunned she tells the camera that there could be bad news as
the surgery went well. Dr. Amann tells them that two nerves had to be
decompressed during the surgery, which will delay recovery time. He
won’t commit to a time frame except to say it will be on the lower end
of things.

HARTFORD, CT – XL Center


Backstage
Cameron (MATT: Whose hair gets more blonde in every scene…)
goes to Mark Carrano’s office to talk. She doesn’t want to be in the
shadows and needs to hone her skills, so she’d like to go back to NXT. (MATT: Emotional bargaining!) He
says if she does that, she may never move back and up and may no longer
be a Diva. Cameron cries in frustration. She keeps pushing and he
agrees to let her try. She tells the camera “sometimes you have to fail
to succeed.” (MATT: Ironically, she hasn’t been “failing” much, if her “success” is any indication…) They shake hands and she’ll get a shot to work her way back up.

Backstage
Cameron
tells Nikki, Naomi and Jimmy that she’s going back to NXT to train.
Naomi wants to talk to her alone and they go further backstage. Naomi
selfishly says that will split them up. (MATT: What?! They split at the beginning of the episode! They don’t wrestle together! What the holy hell?!)
The girls both say the other is being selfish. Naomi tells her to go
down to NXT if she has to, but that she won’t be waiting for Cameron
when she gets back. (MATT: But…if they’re split up, WHY would she wait for Cameron?!)

SAN DIEGO, CA

John and Nikki’s Beach House
John
is opening a bottle of wine in an effort to do something romantic.
Nikki’s in her dressing room, so Cena asks her if she’s “taking a dump”.
 

(MATT: “Oh my goooood…noooooo!”)

Someone needs to explain to him what romance is. She
shows him her calendar with the ten days she needs off, the day of the
procedure, etc. John offers to be her chauffeur and made for those days
complete with costumes. Nikki asks what the maid outfit looks like. He
says it’s like her nurse’s outfit (that she wore when nursing him back
to health) but with less in the crotch. He says she will be “super
bitchy” and in a “womanly mood” during this process, (MATT: MISOGYNY, SEXISM, DISRESPECT. #BELIKECENA)
then kindly asks if she needs a woman around during this time. She says
she might but it wouldn’t be Brie and she recaps the scene at the
OB/GYN last week, including musing that, as identical twins, their
vaginas would look identical. John wisely tells her to stop talking and
she does. (MATT: I’m sure he says that a lot.)

DANIELLE
This week’s punch goes to…Brie:
Not only did she make her husband feel like he was a tenant in his own
house instead of a co-owner, but she also gave Nikki terrible
relationship and life advice, while still at this point fighting with
her husband.

This week’s hug goes to…Cameron: She’s willing to risk it all for the chance of coming back better than ever and no one seems to support that.

MATT
This week’s annoying Diva is…Brie: Her and Nikki switched bodies, I guess. She’s devious as shit under that cute little exterior.

This week’s hug goes to…Daniel Bryan: He looked like he was in so much pain following the surgery and that entire story is amazing.

Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 3 Recap: Episode 1 – “Eggs Over Freezing”

In the first season of Total Divas, we met five veteran Divas: Nikki, Brie, Natalya, Cameron and Naomi and two Newbies, Eva Marie and JoJo. Season Two, JoJo was written out (in part for being a non-entity on this show and in WWE), and veteran Summer Rae was written in. (MATT: Early comment here – I’m not sure this is a fair trade.) This season, we don’t lose any from Season Two (I would have nominated Summer Rae had I been asked), but we do gain veteran Rosa Mendes. She had to take time off and has now returned. Of course she’ll get along great with the new Divas…oh, who I am kidding? This won’t be smooth sailing. Not one fucking bit.
I’m joined, this week, by both my boyfriend, Matt Perri and our good friend, Tania Pereira, to see what kind of snark we’ll have for you. Fair warning: we drank four bottles of wine between the three of us while watching this.

WE START WITH CLIPS FROM LAST SEASON:
WrestleMania XXX – New Orleans, LA
All the girls talk about how amazing Wrestlemania 30 was for them. Brie says not only were they all in a title match, (MATT: Yes, that was the worst match of the entire show, which the crowd shit on because they were still pissed about the end of The Undertaker’s streak, which their match followed. Soooo “amazing”.) but Daniel Bryan won the championship and they got married. Nikki, who has to make everything about herself, thought seeing John in that moment was romantic. They show the guests at the wedding chanting YES, edited in with the crowd from WrestleMania.
Titles.
TAMPA, FL
Eva Marie and John
Eva Marie says she’s always wanted a wedding and wanted her dad to walk her down the aisle.  Even though she snuck off and eloped already and her parents know. So, they have to have a “Save the Date” photo shoot — he wears no shirt and looks like a Bronie douche and she wears nothing but a black mesh lingerie set and heels (MATT: The editors are real cool about this and blur her nipples. How sweet.), making Fredericks of Hollywood look like a Disney film. “I want to look back on this and say we were hot,” she says. (TANIA: Me and Mike, right there!)
NASHVILLE, TN
Monday Night Raw
Natalya meets Rosa Mendes backstage. They share a big hug. Rosa, who’s apparently allowed to say anything she wants no matter how false, proclaims that she’s “34, but I look like I’m 24!” (TANIA: Check out the ego on YOU, chick.) (MATT: Your name is ROSA Mendes, not EVA Mendes.) Rosa has been around for eight years and says that if it weren’t for WWE, she’s not sure would be alive today. Rosa took a year-and-a-half break and now she’s back (MATT: …why?) Rosa shows up for a show in an outfit which shows side-boob. (TANIA: But…Nattie’s showing boob, too…) Natalya yells at her for having her breasts hanging out (TANIA: Nattie has cleavage!) and tells the camera that Rosa showing boob isn’t ok. (TANIA: Am I the ONLY one seeing Nattie’s enormous tits hanging out of her top here or…?)
Backstage – Naomi, Cameron and Eva Marie
Eva Marie wants to show photos of her Save the Date session to the Funkadactyls and asks them for advice on which photos to use. They’re incredulous and tell her that it looks like a porn shoot. Cameron points a nipple is showing (MATT: Stop bragging.) and then says that one photo looks like she’s “getting it from the back”. Naomi can’t imagine using ANY of them for a Save the Date: “I can’t imagine my brother seeing me like that. Tittus O’Neil shows up and looks, then pretends he doesn’t have a penis and says “Oh, hell no! Not for a Save the Date!” (TANIA: Yeah, I’d use them for myself, not a Save the Date.)
WWE Main Event
It’s a Divas Battle Royal and Rosa’s back, hoping to “regain their trust”. (MATT: Nice gloss over the stint in rehab which would have been more dramatic than snapping semi-nude photos for five minutes, but whatever.) Tamina wins the thing. Rosa’s impressed when Cameron uses her ass as a weapon.
PHOENIX, AZ
Chestnut Fine Foods
The Bella Twins are hanging out and eating. Nikki says that John (Cena, of course) is going to bed (MATT: At 2 PM?! What, is hey 85 years old?) and says that she needs to text him to say goodnight. Brie asks how their relationship is going and Nikki says that he acted weird and asked a strange question: “If I were to ask you to marry me, and we get married, would that be enough?” (TANIA: Oh, so romantic.) (MATT: Whoa! That was what I said before I asked MY ex to marry me!) Brie is bothered by this and says that doesn’t deserve a simple answer. She says she feels like she is required to protect her. Brie asks if Nikki is willing to sacrifice kids and “be the one to make decisions”. (TANIA: God forbid a woman makes “decisions”.)
In a weird moment, Brie arbitrarily declares that they go and freeze Nikki’s eggs. (MATT: Well…this episode had to be about something, so…) Even Nikki’s not buying this storyline one bit. Brie says she’ll go with Nikki. Nikki asks her if you walk in, “spread your legs and they take your eggs”. She asks about the technique. Brie squints and shakes her head and then says, “Actually, I have no idea how it works.” (MATT: Good looking out, Brie. Good looking out.)
So, they Google it. Just like in the great Treemen Debate.
Nikki says that the cost of removing and freezing the eggs is “ten grand”.
MATT (laughing): Oh, come ON! What, did she go to fucking Amazon and look that up?
TANIA: Amazon’s a powerful tool!
CINCINNATI, OH

WWE Friday Night Smackdown
Mark Carrano, Senior Director of Talent Relations, is backstage, talking to all the Divas. Mark says that he would, first, like to welcome back Rosa Mendes, prompting a couple “yays” and sporadic clapping from two of the girls.
It’s pretty much this. I’m not even kidding.
TANIA: Jesus, The Ebola Virus could get a bigger welcome than that.  
MATT: Yes! That’s why we included you — topical humor for our dedicated and loyal audience.
Brie says that Rosa’s absence was due to her reputation of “being out of control”. But she hopes Rosa can handle the road again. (MATT: She should help out by suggesting that Rosa freeze her eggs.) Mark says that he really wants to have Rosa take advantage of the opportunity and to hit it out of the park. She brags that her boobs are two sizes bigger and that she has a smaller waist size, so the girls all look jealous of her looks. Mark asks if anyone’s heard from Summer and if she’s “still filming that movie.” All the girls shoot knowing looks at one another. Mark makes Nattie stay to help Rosa and says to be a big sister and even share a room. Nattie ain’t happy and says that she’d rather scrub her toilet bowl, babysit Summer, and then says Rose is “Jeffrey Dahmer”. She says that there better be a Divas Title shot in her future.
Nattie pulls Rosa aside backstage and tells her of the arrangement. Rosa finally admits that she was in rehab during her absence. Rosa says that she is worth the arrangement and that she can prove that she’s okay again. Nattie agrees and tells her to do just that.
CONCORD, CA
We get establishing shots of skateboarders, the beach and the Golden Gate Bridge because we’re in Concord, California. Home to the famous Golden Gate Bridge and many beaches.
John and Eva are driving. Eva says she’s “fat”. John tells her that Maxim voted her one of the hottest women on the planet. Eva: “Whatever”. They are excited to go see her parents to tell them they’re having a wedding and about the photos. Eva says that everyone will be happy and asks, “What’s the worst that could happen?” (TANIA: *Shakes her head*)
PHOENIX, AZ
The Bellas and Daniel Bryan are having dinner with Brie’s family. Brie has baby fever and Brie says that Daniel will be an amazing dad. Brie’s brother and his wife nod in submissive approval. (MATT: Probably at gunpoint. That’s how half these episodes work.) Out of the fucking blue, Nikki announces she’s freezing her eggs with the same tone one might announce they just purchased a new car.  
TANIA: How can I add to the conversation and steal Brie’s joy and thunder? OH! I’m freezing my eggs! Isn’t that AWESOME?!
MATT: I’m freezing my eggs! How’s the soup?
TANIA: I’m freezing my eggs! Who wants dessert? I’m gonna have the cake…
MATT: I just murdered a guy in alley before we came to eat! How’s everyone feeling tonight? HA, ha, ha, ha!
Brie looks slightly miffed while Daniel Bryan sits there, like JoJo, not saying a single word about anything. Nikki isn’t gonna tell John Cena anything. In an even weirder moment, Daniel offers to “freeze his sperm”. (MATT: Nikki almost smiles — AND NEARLY CONSIDERS THIS. CHECK THE TAPE. THE EVIDENCE IS THERE.) They toast to Nikki freezing her eggs. Nikki thanks them for “toasting her pussy”. (MATT: Holy shit, what the fuck is this show now?!)
CONCORD, CA

Eva greets her parents, comprised of 50’s Hair-Do Mom and Lecherous Father who seems perpetually drunk. (MATT: Ew…god…he’s licking her neck…) (Tania imitates this and I shudder.) Her family guesses she is pregnant, which Eva is almost offended by. Eva shows them their photos. They aren’t impressed. The family toasts with booze because it’s time to get drunk.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Medical Clinic
The Bellas go to check out the egg-freezing process. The doctor mentions that it would involve checking her hormone levels to make sure her ovaries are protected. She says there is to be no alcohol, no jacuzzi, no smoking, and no intercourse until “harvesting” is over. (MATT: This is really creepy-sounding — and for the record, who’d want the Bellas to re-produce in any fashion?) Nikki hates the rules and says that drinking and sex are her life. Also, she’s warned, try not get punched in the vagina.
Back to CONCORD, CA!
Beautiful Concord!
MATT: They don’t even care, do they? They’ll just keep showing the fucking bridge even though it’s a good 30 miles away from Concord.
TANIA (pointing to the land mass on the right of the bridge): That’s Concord right over there. The bridge connects San Francisco to Concord. This is common knowledge.
MATT (pointing at three spots to the left): So, I guess that’s Pleasanton, Stockton and Hayward right there? I didn’t know that. And that whole populated segment is San Jose?
TANIA (giggling): That’s EXACTLY right. You need to get on board the geography, Matt.
It’s family dinner time at Eva Marie’s parents’ place. Her Dad says that he’s thrilled that he gets to walk Eva down the aisle. The family starts the usual game of 20 Questions regarding the wedding: location, number of guests, etc. Eva says this is gonna be a non-denominational wedding. John says he’s not Catholic and he wasn’t raised as such. The family looks at him like an alien and suggests he convert. John explains that he won’t change his religious views just for the sake of having a traditional wedding. (MATT: Woooo…this sounds very familiar…)
TAMPA, FL
John and Nikki’s House
Lo and behold: John Cena has an interior decorator. He answers the door and apologizes to her for “keeping her waiting”. (TANIA: “Keeping her waiting”?! He answered the door on the first doorbell!) Nikki says their house will be a “home”, like “Downton Abbey”. Nikki says that there’s a nurse coming to check her blood because she’s on “Day Three of her period”. (TANIA: She’s on the “third day of her period” and she’s wearing WHITE PANTS? Boy…she’s got balls…) She’s gonna do it at the house. While Cena’s there. And risk getting caught. (MATT: There’s like 82 cameras around this place. How the fuck can you “sneak around”?) When the nurse DOES show, she gets her blood drawn while Cena comes looking for her. He finds her as she’s shutting the goddamn front door after letting the nurse out of the house.
MATT: And he doesn’t so much as ask, “Who was that?” or “Who’s that pulling out of the driveway right now?” or “How did they get the gate code?” or…
TANIA: Stop questioning the iron-clad logic of the show.
CHICAGO, IL

Rosa & Natalya’s Hotel Room
Rosa’s nude when Nattie walks in. Completely nude. (MATT: Even blurred, there is no arousal factor here. None.)
CONCORD, CA

Eva’s Mom’s Car
Eva’s blowing off steam with her Mom, running errands. (MATT: Running errands with your mother must only work if you’re a girl.) Eva gets a call from her Dad who tells them, “If you don’t come quick, all my pies will be eaten!” (TANIA: How do we know he’s talking about actual pies and not using some sort of sexual euphemism?) Eva’s Mom casually mentions that he’s been getting Chemo shots. Eva is shocked.
Eva’s Parents’ House
Eva isn’t happy to learn about her Dad’s colon cancer. Her family makes her feel better by revealing that the cancer is “inoperable”.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Medical Clinic
Weird Skrillex Dub-step scores the Bellas into the clinic. Nikki says she is getting an ultrasound to see how fertile she is. The doctor says that she does “everything vaginal”. (TANIA: I do everything “vaginal”, too!) Brie is weirded out that she has to stare at Nikki’s vagina the entire time. The doctor tells Nikki that her ovaries look good (MATT: Whew…my heart was in my throat. She’s pushing 30 after all.) Nikki’s stoked about this and she’s gonna start on her ten-day med program, which will be really hard to do.
CONCORD, CA
Eva and John hang out at a park, just adjacent to the Golden Gate. She feels guilty because she’s caused her Dad a lot of stress. She asks if it’s so bad to go Catholic for her Dad. John: “Yes.” He says that beliefs are who he is. It’s not like a shirt you can just change. Eva says her parents have been there for her, good or bad. John says he understands that but he can’t compromise on something like that. They have an uneasy truce at this point and we move on.
SAN DIEGO, CA
Nikki and Brie are driving. Brie is grossed out by Nikki’s vagina. Nikki calls her weird. Brie says she only got a look for five seconds. (TANIA: You can see a lot in five seconds. A lot.) Brie asks if Nikki needs her to give her the vaginal shot. (MATT: …) (TANIA: Just…don’t.) The two talk about shaved vaginas and then finally ask how Nikki will hide things from John.
CONCORD, CA

Eva wants to be loyal to her fiance but doesn’t know how much time has with her Dad. Eva sobs as her Dad says he’s proud of her — all while holding his garden hose in a weird, suggestive manner. (TANIA: This is some surreal shit right here.)
TOLEDO, OH
WWE Smackdown
Rosa Mendes is complaining about feeling like shit for her first match in a year and a half. Backstage, Titus O’Neil tells her she looks exhausted. Rosa says she thinks all eyes are on her and that everyone thinks she’ll fail. Nattie ends up winning their match.
Backstage
Rosa freaks out and says she was horrible in the ring as Cameron and Eva look on. Nattie tries to console her. Nattie tells her that they’ll work over her character and everything will be fine.
SAN DIEGO, CA

John & Nikki’s House
Nikki is all chill but Cena finds her meds and asks what they are…and we end like that.
(MATT: WHAT A TWIST!)
THIS SEASON ON TOTAL DIVAS:
  • Daniel Bryan needs surgery
  • Brie “quits” WWE.
  • Rosa is suddenly a lesbian
  • Jimmy Uso is still abusive.
  • Nikki and Brie argue about panties covering their vaginas.
  • Nattie hates Tyson Kidd. Where’s Jarrod?!
DANIELLE
This week’s hug goes to: Natalya – She’s never given the chance to be her own person or wrestler, having to babysit yet again. While I’m not a huge fan of her, she has my sympathy.
This week’s punch goes to: Nikki – Can’t she ever be honest? And, Christ, do we actually believe that Cena knew NOTHING about any of the freezing egg shit?
TANIA
This week’s hug goes to: Nikki – For successfully concealing a nurse in Jonh’s house. She is awesome when is comes to lying ’til she can’t lie anymore. Also, bitch wore white pants during her period. That counts for SOMETHING.
This week’s punch goes to: Eva Marie – Could you make a simple wedding bigger than it has to be? And also to Brie for claiming that she only stared at Nikki’s vagina for “5 seconds”. Were you reminding yourself that you were being held back while in the womb?
MATT
This week’s hug goes to: Rosa Mendes. Hey, she recovered. She’s back. She was nude. That was cool. I didn’t have to see her nude. That was even better. But, she’s coming back and that’s admirable.
I don’t punch chicks. So…the Annoying Diva of the Week is…Nikki. Holy. Fucking. Shit. What would make Nikki annoying? Make her do all the shit she’s been banned from doing the past three seasons: constant vagina jokes on tap, completely random storylines that make no sense, and lying to John Cena who must think that he’s in another fucking dimension with this girl.
Er…that’s it.

Total Divas Season 1 Recap: Episode 8 – “No Longer The Bridesmaid”

Last episode:
  • Eva Marie learned she had scored a Maxim Magazine shoot which saw the other Divas jealous of her actions. 
  • JoJo, inspired by Eva Marie’s success, teamed up with Naomi to record their version of The Funkadactyl’s theme song which, when edited by Naomi’s dad, was so “great”, they were inexplicably invited to sing it live. Unfortunately for them (and the audience at Main Event that night), they sounded awful. Who knew? 
  • Nikki took a bad bump during a tag match, re-injuring her brittle shin. As a result, both twins are out of the main line up until she heals.

And, with that, Matt Perri and I rejoin the Divas to celebrate Natalya and Tyson Kidd’s wedding day. What could possibly go wrong? Let’s find out!
(NOTE: In order to theoretically shorten this review and/or give our incredibly supportive readers a chance to check out the parts of the show that matter to them, we are going to present this recap divided up into main story lines and not in the exact order of how events are shown. Hopefully, this should help.)
Natalya and Tyson’s Wedding Day
Fuck everything: Natalya is putting a red tie on her cat, Gizmo, (MATT: Your argument is invalid?) because the cat’s in the wedding. The cat struggles…so Natalya puts the cat into a Full Nelson and asks for it to tap. (WWE: Don’t bully kids. You can put your pets in submission holds, kick ’em across the room, then skin them for their fur. Just don’t bully kids.)
Natalya’s family is here and her Mom has a surprise – a wedding dress she made. The camera pans to the dress that Natalya already bought, one that she says “fits like a glove”. (MATT: A glove which fits everything except her giant boobs — but, a glove nonetheless.) To humor her Mom/suit our storyline, her sister helps her try it on. Natalya’s not pleased and tells the camera that her Mom is a “noted seamstress”, so it’s kinda surprising that the dress looks like a burlap sack with fake roses on it. She tries to tell her mom that it just doesn’t fit with their “beach wedding” theme. (MATT: Or, you know, she could have said, “Hey, Mom, I already bought a dress. It cost me about a half million dollars and was designed by Versace” or something. In fact, is anyone else finding it hard to believe that her Mom didn’t know about her dress long before this bullshit?) Her mom says she put all the roses on by hand and Natalya just sighs.
Nikki and Natalya gush about the wedding day. Natalya plays up the fact that the flowers are being flown in from France. Nikki explains that she will be missing it to attend the family reunion with John. Natalya tells the camera that she is hurt by Nikki’s decision. She tells Nikki that the date was chosen carefully so her WWE family including she and John could attend. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and goes inside.
Later, at a RAW arena, Natalya tells the camera that “my best friend is not coming to my wedding”. (MATT: Yes, Nattie and Nikki are “best friends” now.) She tells Brie that finding out Nikki isn’t coming is “like being punched in the stomach”. Brie tells her to just enjoy her day anyhow.
On Natalya’s wedding day, Nattie warns her wedding coordinator that she’s gonna get bossy. Gizmo, who will be wearing a tuxedo, hides under a cabinet. Nattie laughs off the fact that her cat is scared as fuck and says that Gizmo’s excited. (MATT: That poor fucking cat…)
Naomi and Brie join Natalya, who tells the two of them that her “word is her bond”…thus, she did not dis-invite Jaret to her wedding. “How do I always get myself in these awkward positions?” She asks. (MATT: Awkward? Did she accidentally make an invite, accidentally drive to the post office and accidentally drop it in the mail?)  Brie and Naomi offer to drop kick the pastor to the face if he asks if “anyone objects”. Really, I don’t think that line should be in anyone’s wedding day ever. (MATT: Never understood that line, either.)
The coordinator tells her that the weather is bad. Not only is it raining, but there is lightning and thunder. They may have to have the wedding inside for the safety of the guests. (MATT: It’s all good, though. There’s no decor outside, so they already knew that.) “What else can go wrong?” She asks the camera. Cut to Jaret swinging the doors to the place open and walking in like a boss. (MATT: So scripted, it needs John Woo slow-mo.)
The wedding is being prepared for an inside ceremony. Natalya holds Grumpy Cat as he wears a tuxedo. (MATT: That poor, poor cat. He already tapped out to a Full Nelson and tried to hide from Nattie. I’m calling PETA.) Her mom says she could not be more proud to be her mother and she understands why Natalya is wearing the wedding dress she had chosen over the homemade one. (MATT: …because she BOUGHT the dress?)
The Divas come in to see how she looks. Apparently, Vincent’s there, too. Natalya tells the camera that she is worried about Vincent coming as he may fight with Cameron. Eva Marie also tells the camera that she was surprised to see him there. Apparently, their break lasted all of four seconds when Vincent visited her in the hospital (more on that in a few) and, realizing how amazing he was, they got back together. “I would hate to lose someone like him,” Cameron tells the camera. You know, because loud and obnoxious, often-drunk, overly-codependent boyfriends who like to fast-forward relationships are incredibly hard to find. (MATT: It would have been awesome to see a montage of all the time Cameron screamed at him.)
Tyson gets a few minutes to interact with his friends (Brie, Daniel Bryan, Cameron, and Jimmy Uso), when Jaret enters the room, confesses that they talked and had dinner in Calgary and, pretty much stops short of saying he’d like to bang his future wife in ways that are illegal in 16 states…all while his friends look on.
Tyson asks him to step outside where they can “talk in private”. (MATT: According to TJ, “private” means leaving the doors to the next room open so that Brie, Bryan, Cam and Uso can see what’s going on.) TJ asks why they’ve been talking over text. Jaret goes from Benjamin Braddock to Scumbag Steve in record time and says, “Oh…I thought you knew…”
Tyson’s pissed. He goes to Nattie and says they need to talk. Nattie sends her friends out of the room She complains that he wasn’t supposed to see her before the wedding and that he’s “ruined everything about this traditional wedding.” (MATT: Just to review – Nattie included her cat, which is wearing a tux, in the ceremony.) He says he did it because he was angry that Jaret was invited and that they talk all the time. Tyson is so mad, he suggests calling off the wedding.
Damien Sandow gets the biggest push of his career: he is the wedding emcee and declares that the wedding is about to start. (MATT: And he’s pretty much the same guy he is in the ring. Ironic.) The music starts…but no one descends down the spiral staircase to start the wedding. The guests start to mumble in surprise. Brie tells the camera she doesn’t know if the wedding is going to happen.
Meanwhile, behind closed doors, Tyson is asking Natalya if she has anything she needs to confess. She tells him that Jaret did tell her his feelings, but she turned him down and that he was the only man for her. She says everything has gone wrong that day, but she still wants to marry him. TJ, being TJ, pretty much says, “Oh, ok, cool” and buys it. They say they are each other’s “everything” and hug.
The flower girls, pastor and TJ all come down the aisle. Natalya is escorted down the staircase and aisle by her dad and tuxedo’d Gizmo. She hands the cat to someone in the last row. (MATT: Cat tapped, gets put in a tux…and he gets the worst seat in the wedding. What a day.) The wedding goes off perfectly.
Damien Sandow announces the couple is entering for their first dance. Natalya jokes they don’t know how to dance and Tyson says his knee is hurt so that’s his excuse.
Brie gets a call on her phone from Nikki who wants to apologize to Natalya for missing her big day. Nikki begs Brie to bring the phone to her even though the reception is going on. (MATT: DO IT NOW. DO NOT DENY QUEEN NIKKI.) Natalya accepts her apology and the two will remain close friends.
Natalya tosses her bouquet to the handful of single women and Brie catches it.
Damien announces that the groom has words. Tyson put together a video montage of them (mostly wedding moments) to surprise her and Natalya cries happy tears as she re-lives moments from when they first met and had “completely forgotten about”. (MATT: Aw, she’s ao in love, she forgot all the precious moments that brought them together…) They cut the cake, dance with their friends and have a great reception. They show a photo booth pic of them dressed up silly holding signs saying “Mr. and Mrs.”…
A Potential Main Roster Opening
The secondary storyline starts at the opening of the WWE Performance Center. Jane (MATT: “Dont Call Me Ann”) Geddes, SVP of Talent Relations, announces that they need a new Diva to step up because Nikki is out of action and Brie is out with her. “They’re hungry and they’re trying to take our spot,” Nikki tells the camera. “As long as it’s not Eva Marie, I’ll be fine,” she tells Jane — with Natalya, Naomi, Cameron and Brie all within earshot. 
Jane talks, one-on-one, to JoJo and Eva Marie who are glued together, as always, like figurative Siamese twins. She jokes with them about how long their workouts were that day. She tells them to get ready for Raw as they may need valets with Nikki absent. JoJo tells the camera that it will be her night to shine despite Eva Marie’s red hair and big boobs.
At Monday Night Raw, Nikki shows up on crutches because reasons. She trips and falls on a wet ramp from the rain outside. Eva Marie nervously tells The Funkadactyls that today’s the day where they choose a Diva to valet. (MATT: Something tells me JoJo ain’t winning that decision…)
Natalya and JoJo join the girls as Mark Carrano, Senior Director of WWE Relations, makes some announcements. He says Eva Marie will be Natalya’s valet. The two girls hug. Eva Marie tells the camera that she tried to downplay her excitement so as to not be mean to JoJo, but it was very obvious how excited she was. JoJo doesn’t even try to hide her disappointment. Naomi tries to console JoJo: “When we’re long gone, you’ll still be here kicking butt”. (MATT: Naomi – WWE Prophet)
Eva Marie goes to see JoJo and offers her strawberries, JoJo declines. Eva Marie is once again disappointed that JoJo is not happy for her successes (just like last week).
Backstage, the Bellas (both dressed in identical hot pink club attire) join JoJo to watch Eva Marie debut as Natalya’s valet at a WWE Superstars taping. As the two appear on the big screen, Tom Phillips (presumably) asks, “Who’s the redhead? We haven’t seen a lot of her before!” Do they not give the announcers cue cards on this? If it’s supposed to be Eva Marie’s debut, you’d think they’d know her name to announce. (MATT: ACTING!)
“I honestly can’t even believe this is my life right now,” Eva Marie tells the camera. Natalya fights Naomi who has Cameron in her corner. Natalya is getting beat bad, getting hit with the Rear View. As she is outside, the ring the announcer says maybe the newbie can provide some support. Natalya gets Naomi to tap out with the Sharpshooter. Amazing: they found a job for Eva Marie in the WWE and she can’t mess it up. (MATT: Wonder if she convinced Jane that she has had “valet lessons”.)
Eva Marie decides to talk to JoJo about why she’s still so distant from her. Eva Marie seems confused as to why her friend, who she clicked with in the beginning, is now treating it as a competition. “This has always been a competition,” JoJo coldly tells her. The girls keep arguing until Eva Marie finally declares that living together and training together isn’t working…so, they need their own places. JoJo agrees, and storms off.

John Cena’s Family Reunion / Nikki Meets His Family
Cena’s extended family has decided to come in for a big family reunion at a local restaurant. It’s a special day and he wants Nikki to be there. There’s just one catch…(MATT: Each family member will be played by Eddie Murphy?)…it’s on the same day as Natalya’s wedding. Nikki tells the camera that she’s torn as she has this wonderful guy who wants to take things to the next level, but she also doesn’t want to miss her “best friend’s wedding day. Cena says he’s going to go as this is a “once-in-a-blue-moon” type of thing, and it would mean a lot to him if she went to. No pressure, Nikki, just give him an answer in a few days.
Obviously, Nikki chose the family reunion (as stated in the first storyline). Nikki and John leave for the family event, traveling in style on his private bus and boarding a private plane that he gets to use for a certain number of days each year as part of his contract. Must be nice. (MATT: Couldn’t they use the plane to fly back to the wedding?)
Nikki is delighted to see all of John’s family is there. Nikki debates between getting lobster and sushi (this sounds just like me at dinner), and makes jokes with John’s family. When his John’s Dad says he is “turning 69” soon, she stammers, resisting the urge to make a sex joke, straightens up and then barely squeaks the words, “That’s a good age.” Nikki, who loves superlatives, says his family is hilarious and “the funniest bunch of people she’s ever met”. She feels bad that she missed Natalya’s wedding, but feels she made the right decision.
John and Nikki enjoy a romantic dinner. He tells her she doesn’t seem happy at times. She says they’ve been together about a year and had three disagreements, don’t fight or curse each other out (to which he deadpans, “I don’t know if you know this but I never fucking swear.”). He says he’s very happy and asks where they go from there. He says he wants to see her more and that she lives too far away. He wants her to move in with him. She tells the camera her rule is to be engaged before living with anyone. (MATT: So…they bang like rabbits all the time but living in the same space is forbidden? Nikki has such strange morals.) He asks her to move in, much in the same tone and words someone would normally use to propose and she accepts. She says this has been the best year of her life because of him and we see a montage of their moments together from this show.
Cameron Becomes Ill 
Our final storyline revolves around Cameron. Naomi is in her hotel room when she gets a frantic call from Cameron whose stomach is bothering her. Naomi races to her, even though she thinks her friend is being overly dramatic. Cameron is crying her eyes out and is pain and Naomi calls an ambulance. (MATT: With the same length and tone as somebody ordering a Cobb Salad from room service.)
The medics arrive and start taking her vitals and asking her questions. She’s taken away on a stretcher. Hours later Naomi picks her up. Cameron tells the camera that the doctors think it’s very likely that she has endometriosis. She’ll need to see her doctor for follow up. No jokes on this from me. That’s a painful condition that could potentially lead to infertility and I feel for her, I really do. (MATT: It is, indeed, a horrible thing to have.)
In the car ride Naomi feels for her, then allegedly forgetting there is an audience for this show says, “Can you imagine that happening on live TV?”. (MATT: Wink, wink.)
DANIELLE:
This week’s hug goes to…Natalya – Even though she had to compromise on how the wedding went, she realized that the most important part of the day was that they had each other. Their wedding day had great moments of heartfelt emotion and they are wonderful together.
This week’s punch goes to…JoJo – Rather than trying to better herself, her skills, getting a hobby, a dog, or anything, she spent yet another episode sulking and causing all of us to wish she would just go away already.
MATT:
This week’s hug goes to…Eva – YEAH, “really”. Besides the fucking loud hair, she’s the only one fascinating enough to watch. I’d say Nattie but, holy shit, the treatment of Gizmo is fucking creepy. And I’d hug Gizmo but I hate giant, overly-furry cats. Go ahead and make your jokes about that last sentence.
Annoying Diva of the Week…Everyone else except Naomi & John Cena – Seriously. I can’t stand anyone on this show. Naomi seems sweet. Nattie pretty much lied to TJ, JoJo is just going nowhere, The Bellas continue to be those snobby girls you hated in high school, and Cameron is close to joining them on the same mountain.
Er, that’s it.
Tommy Hall will be in later today to take you into the
weekend with the Smackdown thing and Andy PG will start your week off
right
with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday. Hope all is well!


Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.

Total Divas Season 1 Recap: Episode 7 – “A Leg Up”

In our last episode, “Diva Las Vegas”, a
lot of discussions about (and problems with) drinking occurred as the
crew went to Vegas to celebrate Natalya’s Bachelorette and Tyson’s
Bachelor party.


  • Our Bachelorette, Natalya, was actually one of the least sloppy
    drunks, though, she did drunkenly confess to being a bit scared and
    confused about finally tying the knot and missing (and communicating
    with) her friend-zoned, would-be suitor, Jaret, a bit too much. 
  • Nikki, aided and abetted by just about everyone for some reason, was
    a responsible sister and encouraged her twin, Brie, to drink so much
    that she would (MATT: Get alcohol poisoning…) enter “Brie
    Mode”, a fancy way of saying, “Obnoxiously, belligerently smashed”. When
    she finally did, she was just a somewhat loud dancing queen.
    Ironically, it was Nikki who fell off a couch while dancing. However, a
    drunk Brie did lock herself out of her hotel room and handcuffed her
    boyfriend to a bed, which he forgave as hey, it’s Vegas.
  • Cameron didn’t want her boyfriend to come to Vegas as he doesn’t
    work for the WWE. Also, because she’s way above him because Queen
    Cameron and he is an embarrassment and not worth licking her boots. So,
    he came anyway and embarrassed her again by getting sloppy drunk and
    telling everyone that he loved them, which everyone hated. (MATT:
    It’s more acceptable when spoiled, arrogant Divas nearly break their
    necks, falling off couches because they’re stupidly irresponsible.)
  • Our newbie, JoJo, stayed sober because she’s 19 and this show can’t promote underage drinking. (MATT: Unless she’s ridiculously hot and willing to do a header off a couch.)
    Eva Marie didn’t drink for “personal reasons” that will be divulged
    much later into this series. Still, even sober, these two got into
    trouble as Eva Marie, paragon for happy relationships
    everywhere,speculated that she didn’t think JoJo’s blossoming
    relationship with much older Justin Gabriel would last. Turns out she
    was right. (MATT: Though, it wasn’t so much a prediction as it was simply stating the obvious.) In
    one episode, we saw them flirt, have a first kiss at her apartment
    warming, have a first date, and go as her date to Las Vegas…where he
    flirted with other girls right in front of her and dumped JoJo, leaving
    the hotel with another woman. I’m glad, for her sake, she stayed sober
    because, had she been drunk, she probably would have popped out of a
    cake and given him a nude lap dance out of sheer desperation.
Will this week’s episode have lots of drinking? Will Matt
Perri stay sober as he’s forced to watch an episode that he enjoys as
much as the old movies Joel, Mike, and The Bots watched on MST3K? Let’s
find out! (MATT: Too late.)
TAMPA, FL

Eva Marie’s SUV
Eva
Marie’s phone rings, and as she takes the call from “Kristin”, the SVP
of WWE Talent Relations. She’s lucky she’s in Florida — this is totally
legal. Kristin asks, “What’s going on?” to which Eva replies, “What
ISN’T going on?”, then giggles like Magical Fire Hair Barbie. (MATT: Oh…I already need more wine…)
I wonder what they would do if a Diva crashed her car. Would they film
it from a few angles before they offered help? Kristin has exciting
news: they want her to do a 1-2 page spread for Maxim Magazine. “Of all
the girls, they chose you,” Kristin tells her, which is probably the
first and last time anyone has said this to Eva Marie. She says she’s
gonna cry because this has been her life-long dream. (MATT: Posing semi-nude in a magazine? Her bar for success is low to the ground.) After hanging up, she literally screams in excitement and claps, making her car lurch forward. (MATT: Don’t bully people, kids. Binge drinking and driving while on your phone? Go right ahead. That’s cool.)
TOTAL DIVAS INTRO
Nikki & Brie Autograph Signing
Brie
and Nikki are signing autographs for fans outside of an arena. Nikki
talks, on camera, about how the Twins’ return to WWE. They have had
opportunities to go to many events, meet celebrities, and she knows they
have made it. She’s well rested and cannot get enough of the sport and
that she’s “so happy to be back on top”. This is foreshadowing that
something will go wrong for her in this episode, of course. 
Cameron’s Apartment
Cameron, looking almost Oompa Loompa Orange, is getting ready for a red carpet event. (MATT: Do the Divas get paid by the amount of bronzer they use in an episode?)
Vincent, who clearly forgot about that one time in Vegas, is confused
why he can’t go. First, she says he has to do papers for the sheriff
(job application, plea bargain, we have no idea) and then she says he
waited too long to ask her. He pouts that he really wants to go. “Vinnie
and I have not been on the same page lately” she says as we see
flashbacks from last week where he spilled a drink on her by accident. (MATT: It’s only cool if your last name is “Bella”, Vincent.) He
counters that he blew off time with his friends to spend time with her
because, apparently, healthy couples don’t need time apart or separate
nights out with friends. He and Eva Marie should do an advice column
together. She closes the door in his face (MATT: In the most condescending manner possible.) to the bathroom to do her makeup “in peace” and he opens it because he’s that codependent. (MATT: Or sane.) She screams so loud for him to stop that she’s lucky that no one called the police to investigate. (MATT:
It was a prolonged “STOP” which made the dog leave the room in fright.
If I were Vincent, I’d be packing my things and leaving. Why is nearly
everyone on this show wholly unlikeable?)



SAN DIEGO, CA
John Cena’s House
John
is being worked on by a trainer. Nikki comes downstairs, wearing a red
bra top that has half of her boobs spilling out. She hears Cena groaning
in pain, walks by and calls it “the money shot” because everything is
porn in her world. The trainer (no name given) says he is increasing
flexibility to cut down chances of injury. Nikki tells the camera that
their job is tough especially with respect to injuries. “Doctors have
said every time we hit the mat, it’s like a car accident,” she tells the
camera, “so, we have a stretch therapist over and I’m excited to try
it.” The therapist touches her and she moans and breathes hard in a most
exaggerated fashion. If you don’t watch the screen you’d think she was
filming a porn, back me up on this, Matt? (MATT: I…uh…she’s…he’s…uh…the noise is…) She’s so tight, (MATT: No comment.)
muscle wise, another unnamed therapist comes over. Cena looks down her
shirt, cause he owns every thing in this house, including Nikki, and
says “It’s hard to not just stare down into your femininity”. When she
reacts to that, he claims he meant her eyes. Sure, he did. Cena laughs,
and the trainers laugh cause he’s paying them. (MATT: And they don’t want Cena to rip off their heads and take their souls.)
Nikki kisses him and whispers that as she’s more flexible now they
should enjoy it for a few minutes before dinner, or as he suggests,
“maybe a few hours afterward”. The editors, ditching any semblance of
subtlety, show us gushing fountains at a park just in case anyone missed
the fact that they are talking about sex. 
GRAND RAPIDS, MI

Hop Cat (Bar)
JoJo,
Eva Marie, Cameron and Natalya are having a meal. Natalya is jealous
that JoJo can eat anything she wants and not put on weight. (MATT: Then they all laugh, pretending like they’re not purging and barfing up the one French fry they ate.)
Eva Marie tells them her news about Maxim. The girls seem mostly happy
except for Natalya, who tells the camera, “As much as it pains me to say
it, Eva Marie has an It Factor”. I think Natalya means the hair which
is certainly one heck of a gimmick. I changed my store bought red locks
up a bit this week, Matt said I looked like Eva Marie, (MATT: Suddenly, everyone on Scott’s Blog of Doom hits Danielle’s Facebook for a pic.)
but hers is more Raggedy Ann red than mine even with the new color,
luckily. Cameron, somehow forgetting that Eva would lose a dance-off to a
house cat, says that Eva’s sudden rise means she could lose her job.
JoJo tells the camera that she needs to get noticed more, but she can
barely get noticed on this show, let alone be taken seriously in the WWE
as a whole. (MATT: “Get noticed more”?! She’ll have to really work on that…)

TAMPA, FL

Eva Marie and JoJo’s Apartment
JoJo
does a vocal warm up that sounds like she is blowing bubbles
underwater, then starts singing The Star Spangled Banner. She clearly
has talent, but her vocal range needs work. Eva Marie comes out to see
her. JoJo says Eva Marie snuck up on her and scared her. (MATT: HOW DO YOU SCARE SOMEONE WHEN THERE’S A FUCKING CAMERA CREW WATCHING YOU THE WHOLE TIME?!)
Eva Marie, showing off her Hawkin-esque intellect, says, “YOU scared ME
too! I didn’t know who was singing in our place.” JoJo tells the camera
that, despite having no lessons, singing is “her passion”. (MATT: Since now, I guess.)
She expresses interest in singing the National Anthem before one of the
RAW shows. Her evil plan is that her character will be an “awesome
singer” which will increase her fan base (this worked so well with
LayCool, didn’t it?) and bring her “straight up to the main roster. (MATT: Ok, JoJo…let’s calm down a second here…) Eva Marie tells the camera she thinks Jojo should only focus on one thing at a time. (MATT: Because only one of them can have a pet project outside wrestling.)
Restaurant in Tampa
Every
Diva on this show (with the exception of Naomi) is there for lunch. All
the veteran Divas are dressed up. Nikki browbeats Eva and JoJo and says
they aren’t on the main roster, but they are always being looked at and
they should be dressed up — even if the veterans were wearing workout
gear. (MATT: Wait…the Veterans dress up because Divas should always
dress up no matter what, unless they want to work out and wear gym
clothes? Am I crazy? Wasn’t that what she just said?)
Eva shares her
Maxim news and Nikki is not happy. “Here’s the new push, here’s the new
poster child,” she tells the camera. She tells her that the Bella Twins
were featured in Maxim last year. 
Cameron,
who could barely stand her boyfriend in their last scene together,
tells everyone that Vincent wants their respective parents to meet.
There’s a flashback with Vincent describing 60 of his family members
coming to meet her. The girls tell her when the parents meet they are
practically engaged. (MATT: Unless they wanna work out and wear gym clothes…oh, sorry. Wrong joke.)
Cameron tells the camera they’ve only been dating 10 months and she’s
not ready for marriage even though 10 months is over three times longer
than Eva Marie dated her fiancee before he proposed. (MATT: Whatever happened to that storyline? Did her boyfriend walk in on Eva being gang-banged by half the WWE locker room?) When
prompted by Brie, she states that “I have love FOR him, but I do not
love him yet.” The girls are shocked and Brie responds that maybe she’s
not scared of marriage per se, she just may have not found the right
man. Nikki (for no reason other than the fact that her contract as
Cena’s girlfriend must demand it) mentions Cena and says when he came
into her life, she made sacrifices for him and that he has her heart.
When questioned further, Cameron tells Brie she doesn’t know if she
could live without him. (MATT: This constitutes several shots of concerned Divas. This is important, folks. This is Cameron’s LIFE.)
HARTFORD, CT 

XL Center – Monday Night RAW
The
Bellas and Natalya fight as a tag team against The Funkadactyls with
Katilyn. Kaitlyn thows Brie into Nikki hard, causing Nikki to hit the
floor mat outside. (MATT: Her shin…her “freakin’ shin”…it jammed up to her knee.)
Divas Locker Room
Nikki’s in such pain, her and Brie are in full make-up, wearing nothing but bath towels, doing their hair. (MATT: Freakin’ shin, man.) Despite
Nikki saying her shin went into her knee, that she is in exteme pain
and can barely move, Brie has to try to talk her into seeing the team
doctor. Nikki tells the camera that she was in a soccer match years ago,
her shin crashed into another girl’s and, as a result, had a rod and
screws put in. Nikki doesn’t want to go at all, so Brie says if she
doesn’t see the doctor by the weekend Brie will tell on her to Cena and
WWE Talent. (MATT: Nikki’s objection, “It’s MY SHIN”, just shows how obvious the staging is.)
LOS ANGELES, CA

Maxim Shoot
Eva
Marie is taken back by everything when she arrives. It’s
like…BANANAS. And, OMG, this is making her, like, feel like a “real
Diva”. (MATT: What does that even mean?) She starts the
shoot with a black bikini and heels lounging in front of a swimming
pool. The photographers snap pictures and say things that photographers
in the movies say, like “She looks like a mermaid” and “She knows how to
work it” and “OH MY GOD! That hair flip was SO good”. She models
several one piece suits as well as bikinis. Being a former photographer,
it cracks me up that at least one photographer’s camera makes the focus
beep sound that’s usually the mark of an amateur who can’t figure out
how to read the manual to turn it off. 
TAMPA, FL

Buddy Brew Coffee
Nikki
and Cena have coffee. Cena kindly takes a pic with an adoring fan and
he sits down to talk with Nikki. Nikki confesses to him that her shin
hurts. He says the first thing he does when something feels wrong is get
it checked. Cena seems really concerned and suspects that she could be
making things worse by not getting it checked. (MATT: This isn’t rocket science. This is, “My car is out of gas so I should get gas” logic.)
He wisely points out that she has time to get her hair, nails and face
done regularly, why not get this checked. “The worst part about being
hurt for me was doing it solo” he tells her. He assures her that the
time she’s out will go by in a flash if she makes the best of it with
him. Nikki tells the camera she can’t take that long off. He may have
scared her away from seeing a doctor entirely. 
LOS ANGELES, CA

Nail Salon
Cameron
and her new dog, “Glitty”, go to a salon so they can both get their
nails done. I’d laugh but dogs can Skype these days, so this is serious
shit. (MATT: Didn’t she have a dog named Noodle a few weeks ago? Did
Vincent eat it or something or are the producers just lazy and hate
continuity?)
Vincent, at this point is there just to further his
story line, tells Cameron he wants her to meet his dad, as she’s more
focused with Glitty fussing and ruining her hot pink dogicure. “Babe,
I’m talking can I have your attention?” he asks and she blows him off to
watch and hold the dog for the rest of her manicure. (MATT: Shut up, Vincent. When are you gonna learn that it’s only acceptable for a Bella Twin to interrupt a “Glittafaction”?)
When pressed for free time, Cameron says she doesn’t “have half an hour
to scratch my ass.” You’d think that Naomi having a donk big enough to
be used as a finishing move would be the one who needs a full thirty
minutes for ass-scratching, but apparently Cameron does as well. (MATT: Thanks for the visual, Cameron.) He says it’s important to his culture and though she tells the camera she’s not ready for marriage she agrees. (MATT: Based on guilt. What a relationship.) When he says his parents will love her, she pipes in that they have to love Glitty. (MATT: Does Cameron even love Glitty?) also. Vincent says they will as long as Glitty doesn’t pee everywhere. (MATT: PLEASE don’t let that be foreshadowing.)
TAMPA, FL

Eva Marie and JoJo’s Apartment
Eva Marie comes home and hugs JoJo, practically humping her. (MATT: That would be the most action either girl has seen since the show started.)
She states that having a car service pick her up made her “feel like
the most important person in the world”. JoJo is sulking and looking at
her phone but says Eva Marie’s proofs look pretty. Eva Marie says that
she is usually on JoJo’s side (you know, like saying her relationships
won’t last and or that she needs to stick to wrestling instead of
singing) but she’s not gonna sit there and watch her sulk, so she goes
to her room. (MATT: Danielle covered it. Who’s doing the snark here? :P)
Powerhouse Gym
Formerly
MIA Naomi along with JoJo are training with Jimmy Uso who has them run
stairs and flip ropes around. JoJo can barely do the workouts and whines
the whole time. Naomi asks how Eva Marie is doing to move our storyline
forward. JoJo says Eva Marie’s success has spurred her on to want to
sing at RAW but she is nervous. Naomi says it could make or break her.
You know, like when Eva Marie lied that she could dance and was yelled
at for five minutes by Stephanie McMahon. Just like that. Naomi tells
the camera she should have thought of that first. 
When
JoJo (who is tossing a tiny lightweight medicine ball back and forth
with Jimmy) shares that she wants to sing The National Anthem, Naomi
points out that it’s a hard song to do well. “I’d be terrified to sing
that, there’s no room for error,” she tells her. Naomi offers to go out
there with her to support her/steal her thunder. Brilliant. Next time
I’m up for a job and have to negotiate a salary, I want Naomi as my
negotiator, I’m not even kidding here. Cameron suggests they do The
Funkadactyls’ song which, apparently, is called “Somebody Call My
Momma”. She also says they can bring in Naomi and they can be like
Destiny’s Child. (MATT: Even Jimmy can’t keep a straight face, hearing this.) When probed if he doesn’t think it’s a good idea replies, “Well, if you sing like you work out, I’m scared for you.” 
Sunrise Hospital
Brie
goes with Nikki to the hospital get her bones scanned. Hey, wasn’t Cena
supposed to be there so she wouldn’t feel alone? Where is he when she
could be getting bad news on the spot? (MATT: It was a last second re-write by Creative.)
Nikki, who is a pro at this, tells the camera that a white spot is bad
on a bone scan as it’s an area of injury. As she sees her results on
screen, she knows she’s been inured. They scans have to go to the WWE
doctors and she’s stressed. Brie tries to cheer Nikki up but tells the
camera that, if Nikki has to take time off, she probably will have to
also as they are billed as a duo. 

Natalya’s Car
Natalya
is in her car with Eva Marie as a passenger. They discuss Natalya’s
wedding planning, she says sometimes having Tyson around often is
stressful. She says she can’t imagine what it’s like having a roommate
(instead of a boyfriend) around all the time.Eva agrees that they live,
train and hang with each other almost every second. Natalya says they
need to have standards in the WWE or else girls who worked at Hooters
could just walk in. (MATT: Yeah! We don’t want former models and waitresses like the Eva or the Bella Twi–oh, wait.) When
Eva Marie is silent she realizes she worked at Hooters. The two laugh
over that. The wings may be subpar there but the waitresses (including
some past acquaintances from college) make bank without even having to
take off clothing. (MATT: Bewbz.)
Emerald City Recording Studio
Naomi
and JoJo go into a recording studio to re-record The Funkadcatyls’
theme song. JoJo didn’t take Nikki’s “dress code” to heart because has
jeans on with holes so big, Glitty could jump into them. Cameron is
nowhere to be found despite the previous Destiny’s Child idea. JoJo
meets Naomi’s dad who “is in the music industry and has connections
everywhere”. (MATT: Which is why his stuido is in a run-down business
park on the edge of town near Vincent Vega’s apartment in Pulp
Fiction.)
Naomi says she has never worked professionally with her father. JoJo’s intro notes sound (MATT: Like a cat being disemboweled.)
great, but ironically when the girls sing “somebody call my momma”,
their voices both sound really weak. This might not end well at all.
LOS ANGELES, CA

Vincent’s Dad’s Apartment
Vincent and Cameron (MATT: And Cameron’s weird fucking Jim Henson’s Creature Shop reject, Glitty) get
to meet, Andy, Vincent’s Dad. We learn that Vincent is from the
Armenian culture and that his dad made many Armenian dishes. Cameron has
learned a few phrases in Armenian which impress Andy. He shows them
Armenian bread, which is thin, which he will put on both of their
shoulders “at their wedding”. Cameron is stunned to hear this. Andy
immediately questions Cameron’s line of work and asks, “So, every four
days you leave my son alone?” 
What
a mean thing to say. This is her career. I get she is “just a sports
entertainer” but this is the field she has chosen. What if she were a
brilliant litigator or vascular surgeon whose career required her to
travel as she was one of few people in the world with her background?
Would he ask her this then? Probably not is my guess. Vincent says his
dad is concerned as he wants grandsons. Remember, Vincent hasn’t even
proposed yet and he’s encouraging this to play out. “Don’t be mad at me,
I don’t want to have kids for about 7 years,” she tells a shocked Andy.
Andy stresses that, in their culture, a son is supposed to leave the
house and go out and get engaged and be a father to have
responsibilities. 
Eva Marie and JoJo’s Apartment
Eva
Marie tells the camera that since her photo shoot, JoJo has finally
realized that she is competition, but that she is OK with that and
doesn’t care how JoJo feels. JoJo gets a call from Jane Geddes, SVP of
WWE Talent Relations and Development, who has listened to the audition
tape that JoJo and Naomi made. Jane says it’s “awesome”. (MATT: Jane’s version of “She looks just like a mermaid”, I guess.) (MATT: Apparently located in a run-down business park near Vincent Vega’s apartment in Pulp Fiction.)
She wants them to come and audition to sing. Well, at least we’re not
pretending that Jane just books talent on a whim anymore. Jane wants to
find a way to use it for The Funkadactyls’ entrance and JoJo is
psyched. 
Vincent’s Car
Vincent
tries to stop Cameron from kissing Glity/Glitty/Noodle/Who Cares on the
mouth. So she can use her mouth for better purposes later without
having a dog’s mouth be the last thing her lips touched. Vincent is
taking her out for a “surprise”, with intentions on proposing. This
worked SO well for Tyson a couple of weeks ago, but ok. Let’s just move
this thing along to its inevitable epic fail of a conclusion.
XIV Karats Ltd
(MATT: ONLY “14 Karats”?) Hmm..could
this be a place to buy an engagement ring? They meet Salesperson Ron,
so Vincent can “buy a diamond ring for his gorgeous woman”. Despite the
fact that we’ve telegraphed the shit out of all of this, Cameron
pretends to be dumb as a post and is shocked by the move. Mistaking
apprehension for lack of comprehension, Vincent tells her that this is
his surprise for her. Ron wisely gives them time to talk. Cameron walks
out of the store. While I do feel for Vincent, good for Cameron for
realizing her heart wasn’t lock step in with Vincent’s (MATT: Scripted)
timetable. That’s a fair and grownup realization, though just silently
walking out was a bit immature. She tells him, in tears, that she needs
time. Cameron tells him that it’s too much and that she needs space.
It’s official, boyfriends of Divas, don’t try to surprise them with huge
romantic gestures that move your relationship up a step. Vincent is in
tears also, and he holds her as she cries. (MATT: Is Glitty the Dog off modeling next door?!)
They apologize to each other. Vincent tells her, “If that’s how you
feel, I respect you, I love you, I’m gonna give you this break,” but
then tells her he isn’t going anywhere no matter what happens. So, she
can walk away but he’ll be out there stalking her. Good to know. Run,
Cameron!! (MATT: RUN, VINCENT!)
GRAND RAPIDS, MI

Van Andel Arena – Backstage Medical Area
Dr. Michael J. Sampson, WWE Doctor, has Nikki on a table while Brie is there for moral support. (MATT: Both women are dressed like they’re at a summer formal.) Cena
is nowhere to be found. Again. He shows the twin’s Nikki’s scans which
he tells her is a stress fracture. He says the stress fracture is
extensive and, so, in addition to the 4-6 weeks of rest he recommended,
she will need crutches (first, non-weight bearing, then weight-bearing
for a while). She has to avoid physical things for a while so that she
can’t even go to the ring to watch Brie wrestle.


Backstage
The Funkadactyls and JoJo warm up for their
singing act. Vince McMahon comes by to watch the girls, get a free cameo
and tell them that he’s looking forward to their performance.
Hmmm..just a few minutes left in the show and it’s going to go well,
right? WRONG! Naomi suddenly has a horrible barking cough out of nowhere
and is “sick as a dog” despite being perfectly fine 7 seconds ago.
She’s having coughing fits and gets told it’s just nerves by JoJo.  

CHARLESTON, NC

North Charleston Coliseum
JoJo
confesses she has never sung in front of a crowd before. Eva Marie and
Brie, ever the pep-talkers, agree this has the potential to go really
wrong as it’s live.

In-Ring
The
Funkadactyls and JoJo are ready to roll. Cameron is there to talk up the
others a bit. JoJo and Cameron sing and they sound awful. A fan is
shown covering his ears. Jane Geddes looks on with a look of despair,
puzzlement and disgust.

(MATT: This screen-cap spared me the duty of finding a similar photo on Google Images…so there IS that.)

JoJo says on camera that they sound awful, a remark
backed up by Eva Marie who says on camera, “What goes around comes
around — and this is what JoJo gets for not supporting me.”


Backtage
The Divas are all there discussing the act, Cameron tries to downplay just how bad it was. JoJo tries to act as if they were only off on harmony here and there.

Mark
Carrano, Senior Director, WWE Talent Relations comes to see The Bellas.
Nikki jokes she is “just crutching around” and Mark says that’s why
he’s meeting with them. He tells her that limping on crunches “is not
Bella like..it’s not Diva like”. So, she’s out of work for 12 weeks. She
complains about being almost 30 and her wrestling career possibly over.
(MATT: She’s done, even with her slightly fractured shin and a return timetable of three months. What a tragic turn of events.) She pretends to limp off in disgust.

DANIELLE:
This week’s hugs gs to – Cameron and Vincent
– it’s hard to know when it’s time to change your relationship, whether
to take it to the next level, step back. or in some cases walk away for
good. They both are surrounded by pressure – him by his dad (I’d say
his friends but we haven’t even seen them) and her by her fellow Divas
who are a defacto family for her. At the same time, they both acted
immaturely this week from her walking out of the store without a word to
him giving her space, yet not really letting go, but they seem genuine
in their confusion and feelings for each other.

This week’s punch goes to – Eva Marie – I
get it, she’s hot, she has red hair and a sexy body, she’s psyched that
she’s getting some real attention for herself and that’s great. But
instead of talking with JoJo about her feelings, and caring about her,
she talked about her behind her back and was actually happy when she
failed live on stage. Real friends, and I do think proximity and shared
experiences have made these two real friends and Eva Marie this week
acted like she had never had a real friend with her behavior. The other
girls barely tolerate her, and she should try to be a real friend to the
one who genuinely likes her company.

MATT:
This week’s hug goes to: Eva Marie. What
a woman. Does what she does to get ahead while her idiot roomie, JoJo,
fakes her way through life just because she used to sing back when
Savage Garden was on tour.

This week’s annoying people are: Cameron, Nikki, and Brie. When
are these three NOT on the list? Week by week, Cameron is a superficial
brat. Nikki and Brie enable her. It’s kinda sick. They all act like
spoiled little snobs and it’s gotten to the point where it’s become
difficult to watch them.

Total Divas Season 1 Recap: Episode 6 – “Diva Las Vegas”

In our last episode, ‘”Feuding Funkadactyls” (MATT: AKA, “Women Be Trippin’ Because One Refused to Be Shoppin'”), the Divas learned their expectations would often be quite different from their reality:

  • Natalya expected her homecoming match in Calgary would be just one of many highlights of a fantastic birthday week. Not only was she booked in a losing tag team match and mocked by both her opponents and Michael Cole, but everything else that week was awful, also. Her fiance, Tyson, abandoned her at a hotel to go stay with his mom in her one-bedroom house. His family insisted she spend every free second with them (and yet she strangely didn’t see any members of her own family in her alleged hometown) and her friend, Jaret, (who she’d obviously friend-zoned years before) didn’t take the hint and took her out for a birthday meal, reserving an entire restaurant to do so to flaunt his huge wallet and try to win her away from Tyson. (MATT: The dude’s ridiculed for being an adult and treating her to a nice dinner on her birthday?!)
  • Nikki expected that she’d be able to visit her grandmother in her hometown without seeing her alcoholic dad who was in and out of her life after her parents’ divorce. After prodding from Brie and boyfriend, John Cena, she (along with Brie and their brother) did meet with him. His words sounded sincere about wanting to mend fences between them but his tone wasn’t. It’s kinda hard to sound sincere with cameras a few feet from your face, I guess.
  • All the remaining Divas (Cameron, Naomi, JoJo and Eva Marie) expected they could have a fun drama-free day at go-kart racing (MATT: Divas like go-karting. It balances out all the boutique openings they have to show for.), but who the heck are they kidding? It’s a reality show! Cameron set the tone by insisting she would win, which she did, and then she went crazy when the other girls weren’t congratulating her with gusto. Cameron and Naomi got into a verbal confrontation which escalated into a shoving match when the real basis of their arguing was their teamwork in the ring. Both Divas think they could succeed on their own, are given a chance by Stephanie McMahon in separate singles matches and predictably fall flat on their faces. Physically, in Naomi’s case.
So in “Diva Las Vegas” will the Diva’s expectations of Vegas and Bachelorette parties be accurate? We’ll find out. As usual Matt Perri will be here to reluctantly sit through this with me to give his observations.  
HARTFORD, CT

Backstage at @ XL Center for MONDAY NIGHT RAW
JoJo is admiring Justin Gabriel doing his pre-match stretches. JoJo, with her figurative Siamese Twin, Eva Marie, next to her, asks Chris Jericho if Justin is single. (MATT: Jesus, really? Nobody’s been interested in Justin Gabriel. Do these two have some sort of weekly Perv quote to fill?) Chris says he doesn’t know but, starts taunting JoJo for her crush on him. “You should write him a note and write check this box if you like JoJo on it”, he advises. (MATT: What are we, girlfriends here?)
TOTAL DIVAS INTRO

Backstage @ XL CENTER
As Team Hell No beats up The Shield in the ring, Eva Marie and JoJo watch Daniel Bryan give a kiss to Brie backstage. JoJo is obviously jealous. “He’s the greatest man in the whole world,” Brie says. “I never thought I’d date in the business but I love it.” The girls laugh about the fact that Brie wasn’t wearing nonsmearing lipstick so Daniel probably has some still on him. If Brie does have a hookup for bright red lipstick that stays red on lips and doesn’t kiss off on a boyfriend she needs to text me the details, I have this same issue.

JoJo and Justin are talking privately. She shows him photos of her in dresses on her phone, (MATT: Every single guy loves to do this with a girl he’s just met, let me tell ya’.) He compliments one of the dresses and JoJo, suddenly a giant ditz, says he’s “bad”. JoJo is clearly over her recent breakup with her first boyfriend. “Sebastian was the love of my life,” she tells the camera. (MATT: We get about eight seconds of Sebastian flashbacks here which was about the same amount of time he was on the show.) JoJo says she misses him but she needs to live life. (MATT: She can start by actually being on the show.) JoJo is targeting Gabriel because it’s best to get over someone by getting under someone. AMIRITE LADIES???

Anyhow, JoJo of all people suddenly has a storyline. We can’t have that, so Eva Marie shows up to interrogate them about how long they’ve been talking and leaves them with the outdated, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do” line. This, coming from a woman who disobeyed WWE brass about her hair, then lied to them about what she was capable of doing on-stage and was also ready to cheat on her fiancee to get in as Fandango’s valet. Strange girl. Eva Marie puts on her Dear Abby hat and tells the camera, “I’m worried that she’s single, yes, but not ready to mingle yet.” 

Backstage @ WWE Main Event
(MATT: Gabriel wrestles on Main Event, but the editing tries to make us believe he was booked for RAW. Against Curt Hawkins. Nobody’s buying this.) Eva Marie and JoJo are watching Justin’s match against the now-fired Curt Hawkins. Even though Justin’s been around for five episodes and they just met five minutes ago, JoJo says she wants to invite Justin to their apartment housewarming party. The girls are gooey over Gabriel, fawning over him and his finishing move. They’re so into Justin’s victory and their conversation that Michael Hayes is able to sneak up on them and (MATT: Perv on them.) startle them.

TAMPA, FL

WWE Training Facility
The Bellas are training with the Funkadactlys. Natalya shows up and says she’s been stressed by wedding planning. Nikki offers to plan the Bachelorette party. “My plan is to get Nattie to loosen up with some half naked men, champagne and Vegas is the best place for it,” she tells the camera. Natalya is worried about the “naked men” and freaks over what Tyson will say. (MATT: Actually, he’ll have to consult his Mom before he tells Nattie what he thinks.) Nikki reassures Nattie that nobody will put their “private parts” on her. (MATT: It takes all of Nikki’s willpower not to say “cock” or something equally x-rated here.) Nattie, who was born yesterday, buys it. Nikki swears it will be PG-13 and Natalya decides to believe her and change the topic.

She fills them in on her date with Jaret (MATT: You mean…SHE WENT TO JARET??? OW!!! STOP HITTING ME!!!) — including his declaration of love. As it turns out, Jaret has been invited to the wedding. Brie states the obvious and says this “could be a problem”. Natalya blows it off as they are surrounded by hot guys in tight clothing all day. Naomi, showing some rare wisdom, asks “Do you think you just enjoy the attention he’s paying you as TJ is kind of neglecting you a little bit?”

Eva Marie & JoJo’s Apartment
Eva Marie puts magical guy-magnet Bronzer on JoJo who freaks out, hoping Justin doesn’t show up first. Thankfully, JoJo gets her wish. The Bellas, Naomi and Jimmy Uso show up first. Nikki breaks the bottom off her plastic wine glass and because she can’t help herself, criticizes Eva and JoJo for their selection of “cheap ass wine”. Both newbies say they don’t drink. Brie chides them for not having good options for the veteran wrestlers who do. Nikki reveals that Daniel Bryan doesn’t like to see Brie drink crazy levels of alcohol because she gets so insane, she actually has a nickname for it: “BRIE MODE”. Nikki says they will definitely see that in Vegas as we get the backstory.

Justin, Nattie and Cameron finally arrive. Natalya confesses to Nikki that she and TJ are the ONLY people each has ever dated or slept wiht. Nikki is really shocked by this. “No wonder you feel certain ways,” Nikki replies. 
(MATT: We get your usual drunken party montage here. Bellas drinking, Naomi clocks Jimmy with a cookie sheet…then Nattie twerks for TJ. Nattie. Twerking. Just letting you know that happened.)

Cameron, Eva Marie, and Natalya are discussing Justin with JoJo. Though he is older than her, they think he might be good for her. (MATT: They’ve talked backstage and Justin showed up for the party. They’re perfect together.) Cameron says she “loves her some older guys”, and recounts the time she dated a guy 21 years older than she was.

JoJo takes Justin on a “tour of the apartment”. (MATT: Yes, a grand tour of 900 square feet.) They go to Eva Marie’s room to make out like we’re in the 7th grade. (MATT: This was like watching a gay guy kissing a lesbian woman.) Everyone at the party can see them kissing. Eva Marie says on camera “She’s 19 and they’re in different stages in life. I just don’t think two worlds mix.” (MATT: What “worlds”? They’re in the same business.)

CLEARWATER, FL

Island Way Grill
Seven seconds later, JoJo and Justin are on their first date (MATT: Just in case you thought they were stopping this storyline at the apartment party with shitty wine.) Justin orders wine for himself, then realizes JoJo can’t legally drink. So Justin informs the waiter that she’s under 21 and orders her a Virgin Daiquiri to her great embarrassment. (MATT: What a guy.) Because they have so much in common, they talk about salad. Justin dismisses the idea of salad as rabbit food, which causes JoJo to tell him that she has a small rabbit named “Baby”. (MATT: What? Where is she keeping a rabbit? Does the apartment have a petting zoo I didn’t see?) She shows him a picture of it on her phone while Justin does his best not to look bored, but fails miserably, visibly cringing. (MATT: I can just see WWE brass – “LOOK, JUSTIN…WE PAID FOR JOJO AND SHE NEEDS A STORYLINE. TAKE HER TO A SHITTY STEAKHOUSE AND LOOK AT THE FUCKING RABBIT.”) JoJo takes the leftovers of her dinner — including her salad — to go. Then, Justin tells the waiter that she has a rabbit because he’s on such a roll with the charm. There’s no food in front of Justin at all. So, either he’s a vampire, or he wolfed everything down to speed this along. I’d like to think he just drank wine all night to drown out JoJo. (MATT: There isn’t enough wine in the world to deal with JoJo.)

TAMPA, FL

Mosh Posh Designer Consigner
Cena and Nikki are shopping for Natalya’s bachelorette gift at, what Nikki calls, the “high end vintage boutique”. As they are looking at purses, Nikki tells Cena that Nattie and TJ have never been with anyone else. Cena’s like “Ok” and really doesn’t care. (MATT: Say what you want about Cena — the dude is as level-headed as they come.) Nikki is confused with his reaction, the concept is so foreign to her. When Nikki says her family “would do backflips if I was like that.” Cena, suddenly and visibly disturbed by the sudden realization that Nikki’s slept with a lot of dudes, asks if he’s supposed to ask how many men she has been with. Cena jokes that he hopes it’s between 1 and 1000. Nikki is appalled and refuses to give him a number.

Cameron’s Apartment
Cameron is packing for the bachelorette party and asks her boyfriend Vincent to help her find the green sports bra top. She tells him she’s going to the party and will be seeing Chippendales. “You’re gonna be partying, having fun and I’ll be stuck over here,” he says as if she’s going to lock him in the apartment with nothing but bread and water and a marathon of Lifetime movies. He suggests he should go and she tells him all the people going male and female are in WWE. “Me and Eva are the only ones who have boyfriends who are not in the business so, her boyfriend isn’t going, either,” she says. On camera, she says “with this job there are just some things that he can’t come to.”

LAS VEGAS, NV

Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite
(MATT: VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!) JoJo, fully clothed, climbs a stripper pole in the shower to show off for Justin who turns on cold water to tease her.  JoJo who has been on all of one date with Justin says  on camera that she is smitten with him and that “he and I would make some beautiful babies.” (MATT: By the way, why is there a stripper pole in the shower?) Natalya tells the camera that everyone came to celebrate and the guys came to help Tyson celebrate. (MATT: Nobody knows why there was a stripper pole in the shower?) Cena, who didn’t want to sleep in a bed with sheets that had a low thread count in a place with less than 14 bedrooms, is conspicuously absent. This being the case, I can’t see why Vincent wasn’t allowed to come out there. (MATT: Nobody is gonna answer the question about the weird shower stripper pole?)

The Divas all check out the suite which appears to be bigger than the apartment Matt and I share. (MATT: Doesn’t have a stripper pole in the shower, sadly enough.) The Bellas give Natalya a Bachelorette sash, overly large engagement ring prop necklace, “a condom for later and a whip to whip TJ into shape.”

Cameron asks Brie if she will see Brie Mode as she has never seen it, Brie says it’ll happen on Friday but to not say it so loud that Daniel hears because he hates when she drinks excessively. (MATT: WWE – We turn a blind eye to irresponsible drinking and alcoholism. Don’t bully people, kids.)

Palms Casino Resort – Poolside
The girls are in bikinis. (MATT: Eva’s in a white string bikini. All criticism of this show is invalid.) Nikki is hanging out with Natalya when the latter reveals Jaret has been texting her (asking about her day, her bachelorette party, etc.) Nikki tells both Natalya and the camera these texts seem too flirty. Nikki says if she was about to marry Cena, she wouldn’t respond to the texts. Despite claiming it’s harmless, Natalya doesn’t want Nikki to tell anyone about these “innocent” text messages. (MATT: Nikki finally gets a vagina line here – “He wants to see your pink…and I don’t mean your gear.” Ugh…)

Eva Marie and JoJo are sunbathing and are dismayed to see Justin in the pool talking to a woman in a string bikini. “Justin likes me because he wouldn’t be coming at me the way he is if he didn’t,” JoJo tells the camera in complete denial. In all fairness to Justin, not only could he not bring JoJo to bars, gamble with her, or do other similar activities for two years with her, but she’s glued to Eva Marie the entire episode.

Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite
Everyone is cheering on Natalya as she does a shot. Naomi asks if she will see Brie Mode and is disappointed to hear it won’t be that night. Tyson offers a sweet to toast to Natalya as someone who has kept him calm, sane and still with the WWE. (MATT: Pseudo-nepotism, baby!) The girls kick the boys out to get ready to see The Chippendales show. Nikki says they will see that show, have champagne and do and other fun things in Vegas. “Nattie is in for the wildest ride of her life,” says Nikki who, moments ago, criticized Nattie for flirting with another guy.

El Rio Hotel – Chippendales Show
At first, Nikki is screaming and waving a towel like it’s her bachelorette party. Natalya gets brought on stage by a dancer (most likely due to her sash) and is tied up with a long lasso as they are doing a western themed song. The men unzip their jeans and flash their butts and their penises to Nattie and the adoring crowd.

Palms Casino Resort – Lobby
JoJo is pissed because she’s under 21 which makes Vegas as useless as a museum to Helen Keller. Eva’s her mirror twin and doesn’t drink “for personal reasons” so she’s the perfect foil for JoJo to hang with. In order to advance the plot, They come across Justin drinking with a pretty brunette and then he leaves with said Brunette in a cab — not knowing JoJo or Eva saw it. JoJo, who needs a copy of “He’s Just Not that Into You” complains, “He’s stupid now…he doesn’t know what’s going on.” JoJo proclaims that they’re done. (MATT: Justin may get the cheap, hot sex he’s looking for…but he’ll never find another rabbit-owning woman like JoJo.)

Random Bar
Brie is drinking and dancing and Naomi is in pig heaven, happy she’s finally seeing Brie Mode, which is comprised of dancing while drinking. (MATT: How unique. I’ve seen wilder behavior at Christian fundraisers.) The girls dance sexy and everyone is having a great time. Nikki even falls off a couch, spilling her drink everywhere and gets right back up for more fun.

Palms Casino Resort – Natalya and Tyson’s Suite
Nattie and Brie are beyond drunk and Jaret is texting Nattie again and Nattie tells Brie all about it: “Don’t hate me but I don’t know what it is about Jaret, I feel like I should text him back, and Nicole told me not to text him back, but I already have.” Brie is frustrated as this is Natalya’s bachelorette party (MATT: Or, “batcheret par-e” as the Brie Mode pronunciation dictates.) and that, by texting with Jaret, she may be risking her relationship with Tyson. “I wanted this fairy tale wedding and now I’m scared,” Natalya confesses. Brie compares Jaret to the Chippendales and how both the dancers and Jaret make you feel very wanted after being in a long term relationship with someone who knows you well. I think what she’s getting at is, the distractions are nice but the loving relationship you have is the real prize, and if so that’s great advice.

Palms Casino Resort – Brie and Daniel’s Room
Brie decides to go back to her hotel room, still very drunk at 4 AM. She means to sneak in but she can’t get the door open, so she has to wake Bryan to open the door. Thinking she got away with being in Brie Mode, (MATT: I wish everyone would stop saying that.) she shows off a tuxdeo thong she has for him and she puts fuzzy red handcuffs on him, he seems more tired and mad. He says he will scream if she doesn’t take them off. (MATT: Brie Mode!)

Hours later, he tells her it’s time to get up as he’s been up (but it still in bed wrapped around her) for an hour. She says her head hurts, as she was in Brie Mode. (MATT: YES, BRIE MODE!) Bryan points out that he wasn’t stupid and that he knows she was drunk. He further adds, “When you’re in Brie Mode, you’re not discreet about being drunk.” He tells her that as they’re in Vegas for a Bachelorette Party so he’s fine with her getting drunk — but he doesn’t have any sympathy for her hangover headache even shaking her head a bit too forcefully to be just playful.

Nova Italiano
Everyone is there for a big celebratory dinner and Justin is seated next to JoJo. (MATT: STORYLINE MODE.) She says Justin came to talk to her, yet he’s on his phone, possibly sexting the brunette from last night more than focusing on her or anyone at dinner. He leads her, holding her hand to go talk. She says he’s confusing her. He tells JoJo that she’s “beautiful” and “so talented”. (MATT: Is he even watching the same show we are?! I don’t even think JoJo believes what he just said.) He says the age gap isn’t bothering him but it’s there and he can’t get over it. (MATT: So…it bothers him then?) Having lost two boyfriends in 20 minutes over 6 episodes, JoJo goes off to sulk and contemplate the ruin her entire 19-year life on this planet has become.

Palm Casino Resort – Nikki’s Hotel Room
Brie is reading a dirty magazine and is stunned to realize she was in Nikkis’ bed (Nikki has two twin beds) and Nikki still had a vibrator there. The vibrator falls to the floor, Nikki says she will have to wash it off, and Brie complains she already took a shower that day. (MATT: WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE?!)

Palm Casino Resort – Cameron’s Hotel Room
Naomi comes over to Cameron’s room because plot reasons and is jealous that Cameron’s room is bigger and has a beautiful bathroom with a view. Cameron shares that Vincent called to say he’s en route by plane. Vincent knocks on the door and is unhappy to see him or even kiss him. She lies and says she’s happy to see him and then tells the camera that he has too much energy for this trip. This won’t end well.

Simon (Restaurant)
Everyone is there for the final night of the bachelorette party. The Bellas give very different toasts. Brie toasts a long relationship that will be made official but is already official in their hearts and the chance to celebrate with them. Nikki toasts orgasms and boners. (MATT: Downright tame for Nikki.)

A cake, made to resemble a male torso with a yellow thong, is out for Nattie. Natalya pretends to take the thong off with her teeth. That part of the cake is removed and passed around the table. Despite it being a cake and not a real person, Vincent tells Cameron not to touch it. The waiters bring out large bowls of cotton candy. Vincent acts like a kid and plays with the cotton candy, barfing it at Cameron and trying to put it around her neck. The rest of the party somehow look visibly uncomfortable. (MATT: You can’t blame Vincent. It’s hard to know where the line is after boner toasts and stripper cakes.)

Ghostbar
Everyone — minus Eva Marie and JoJo — go out to drink more. Vincent is drinking shots and mixed drinks. Cameron is concerned. “You get crazy when you drink like this,” she warns him. Vincent’s in VINCENT MODE and decides to make drunk confessions, telling Natalya and Tyson that he didn’t want to cause problems for her at work by showing up and that he’d have Jimmy’s back whenever he wanted. Cameron and Vincent fight over a stain on Cameron’s dress, claiming he spilled a drink on her. She takes him out of the club as she’s embarassed, he keeps trying to cheer her up and says he’s not drunk but he obviously is.
(MATT: Brie, of all people, is NOT happy with seeing VINCENT MODE because it’s only sexy when SHE gets drunk and acts like an idiot.)

Natalya says this trip has given her perspective: she loves Tyson and knows there is nothing they can’t get through.

This week’s hug goes to – JoJo – Though it was practically physically painful to watch her pine for Justin who thought of her as a fun kid at best, this was something she needed to experience. When she heals from this and she will, sooner than she thinks, it will be time to use this knowledge to find a man who likes her for who she is and not just as she’s one of many pretty girls at work.

This weeks’ punch goes to – Natalya 
– I get many people have some doubts as their wedding day looms closer, and in many cases this is just normal fear and doesn’t mean the couple should call it off. Yet, instead of talking to Tyson about her doubts, she let Jaret take too much head space and space in her phone. If she means it that Tyson is her everything, she should block Jaret’s number, disinvite him from the wedding and vow to treat Tyson like the great finace he is. 
MATT’S HUG: John Cena and Daniel Bryan. These two are way too good for either girl. Also, Eva. Because Eva’s hot. And I just hugged Cena and Bryan so I have to prove I’m a MAN by liking EVA!
MATT’S ANNOYED AT: Just about everyone else. Nattie’s naive, Nikki and Brie are hypocritical and spoiled assholes, Cameron is annoying, JoJo doesn’t belong anywhere near this show, and every single made-up plotline has no heat or suspense.
Er,
that’s it. 
Tommy Hall will be in later today to take you into the
weekend with the Smackdown thing and Andy PG will start your week off
right
with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday. Hope all is well!


Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on
Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.

Total Divas Season 1 Recap: Episode 5 – “Feuding Funkadactyls”

In our last episode, “The Fat Twin”, all the Divas set women back at least 70 years by focusing way too much on their boobs at the expense of thinking of themselves and other women as whole individuals.

  • Cameron, jealous of Nikki’s implants, visited a surgeon to discuss getting her own augmentation, wore model implants in her outfits for a week to test drive the idea and, after all that hard work, decided to keep what she had (to be a role model to others, especially young girls), though she’ll still accept her outfits being stuffed when she’s in the ring.
  • Nikki enjoyed picking on Cameron for being jealous and hid her model implants right before The Funkadactyls went out onstage. Obsessed with the twins matching body types as well as faces, Brie went on a juice cleanse and forced Nikki to join. However, Nikki cheated on the diet and the twins decided they don’t have to be 100% identical (not to mention with the huge cup size difference, they can’t be without Brie stuffing her top or a retoucher photoshopping her a larger pair.
  • Natalya doesn’t like dressing sexy, despite her in ring attire, yet she’s desperate to have her fiance, Tyson, get his mind off both his knee injury and WWE, and fuck her brains out anyway. When that didn’t work, she pressured him into marriage, a great way to turn your man on, lemme tell ya’. His heart in the right place, Tyson responded by trying to force their wedding, on the spot, at a courthouse — which Natalya threatened to leave him for. Tyson finally got the message, planned a surprise romantic evening at home complete with candles, flowers and strawberries and asked Natalya to get into her lingerie for him.
  •  JoJo looked concerned for Nikki for seven seconds in a scene.
Will we focus on body parts again this episode? We’ll find out as we watch. As usual, Matt Perri will watch with me and give his color commentary. 
Tampa, FL

Eva Marie and JoJo’s Hotel Room
The Divas are getting ready for the gym by putting on Bronzer. Eva Marie, obviously not fearing self-described lioness Nikki, says, “I have to make my chest shine a little for going to the gym because John Cena might be there.”
Hotel Gym
Eva Marie and JoJo are doing Planks, which, naturally, evolves into them putting each other into headlocks for the sole purpose of reminding us that they’re actual wrestlers.
The girls briefly meet Joe Anoa’i (AKA “Roman Reigns”) who is wearing a sweat suit and headphones. JoJo introduces them as the new Divas. The girls go back to working out by themselves and Eva Marie, showing good taste in guys (and noticing my wrestling crush, sorry Matt!), tells JoJo. “He’s the reason we wear Bronzer.” (MATT: Christ, Eva, why don’t you just wear an “Engaged, But Single” sign around your neck from now on?)
Natalya and Tyson’s House
Natalya and Tyson are in the pool, she appears to be hugging him and says, “This is my wrestling hold for you, try to get out,” (MATT: Oh, so hot.) and he claims he can’t, then easily breaks it. She whines that he ripped her hair and that she will no longer swim with him. I’m beginning to think the reason he doesn’t jump her bones all the time is that he thinks of her as a mother figure.
Speaking of mothers, the phone rings and it’s Cheryl, Tyson’s mom, on the phone.
Natalya tells the camera that it’s her birthday week and as an added bonus she will be in her hometown of Calgary for a match on RAW that week. However, she realizes she will have to spend time with “the mother-in-law from Hell”. Cheryl insists they stay with her for that week instead of a hotel room. Even though she has a small, one-bedroom apartment and until they “seal the deal and get married”, she insists Natalya sleeps with her in her bed, while Tyson sleeps on the sofa. Natalya makes Tyson promise he will tell his mom they will stay at a hotel. I’d do the same. (MATT: Yeah, but we’ve been in this boat before and it didn’t go as planned.) Of course this being a reality show, I bet we can all guess what happens later with these two. They hug and she playfully pushes him into the pool. (MATT: Natalya has a line that’s even more creepy: “I’m not there yet, with Cheryl, that I wanna share a bed with her.” I know nobody who gets to “that level”. Ever.)
New York, NY
Cameron and Naomi’s Hotel Room
Cameron is dismayed the Naomi isn’t dressed, accessorized and ready to go. Naomi tells the camera that, despite being opposites, they are like very close sisters. Naomi argues that as it their day off that they stay in. Cameron, having not heard a word Naomi said, suggests they go shopping for a new purse and jacket for Naomi. Naomi tells the camera, “When Cameron and I were in development together, we just connected, had a good bond, and just feed off each other and I knew we’d make an awesome team.” Famous last words, Naomi, you apparently didn’t read this episode’s title.
Cameron insists that she have new fashions as she’s a Diva, Naomi points out that as a Diva she might have to look sharp, but as the real life, day to day woman, Trinity, she’s fine with being more casual. Cameron insists she’s getting a new purse and jacket. Naomi grunts in frustration and Cameron gets pissy, telling her not to grunt at her. So, to sex things up a little, Naomi grunts over and over and over (MATT: Which sounds somewhere between a Ford Crown Victoria’s engine revving up and a cow being electrocuted.) Prophetic Cameron cringes in horror and says, “I see where this friendship is going: right down the dang hole.”

Calgary, AB – Canada
Backstage at Scotiabank Saddledome for Monday Night RAW
The Bellas are filming a backstage bit for the WWE App. Apparently, their story calls for them to be catty with the Funkadactyls. Nikki, who doesn’t realize she’s catty to everyone anyway, is thrilled. In this ridiculous segment, Brie tells the Funkadactlys to stop “being like them” and Cameron gives them the comeback of the year, “Girl, bye!” with them both snapping their fingers and turning and leaving like they’re synchronized swimmers.
After the shoot is over, the girls (MATT: Who are suddenly friends…) compare weekend plans. The Bellas are going to their great grandmother’s for the weekend. Introducing the tension into their segment, Brie mentions she’s going to see their dad — the first Nikki has heard of this. Brie tells her to come along with her. Nikki declines as he has been battling addiction, and after her parents divorced, he was in and out of her life. Cameron tells her that life is short and that she should go (MATT: You know, because arguing a point with Nikki totally works.) but Nikki declines agan.
Natalya tells the camera “I’m so excited to be back in my hometown. This is a once in a lifetime event as this is where I started wrestling in front of 10 people, I was nobody back then, and now it’s kind of full circle.”
(MATT: Natalya. In her hometown. On her birthday. This is gonna end well.)
In-ring @ Monday Night RAW
Michael Cole announces that Natalya is there tonight in her hometown AND on her birthday. A fan even has a Happy Birthday Natalya sign. Natalya is in a tag team match partnered with Kaitlyn vs The Bellas. Natalya said they Bellas taught her to be a Diva, and she taught them how to wrestle. The Bellas win and the ever-so-classy Michael Cole, rubs it in by reminding us that she got beat in her hometown, adding that “Natalya is gonna remember this birthday for a long time.” Natalya is shown faking tears in the ring. (MATT: THERE’S NO CRYING IN WRESTLING!) I’m hoping Natalya will go all Alicia Fox and kick the announcer’s ass after breaking their table, but that doesn’t happen. (MATT: Cole had an entire heel turn where he got beat up, but you have a point.)

Natalya and Tyson’s Hotel Room
Natalya tells him “I wish you’d throw me down on the bed right now,” and he complies — with a side headlock takedown that nearly breaks her neck. His phone rings and, rather than enjoy a romantic moment with his fiancee, he answers it and, of course, it’s his mom. Natalya: “His mom is a nice mild mannered woman until it comes to him, and then she wants to have him all to herself,” As it’s obvious Tyson is being talked into things by his mom, Natalya, who wants to celebrate her birthday week, throws her phone down and starts following Tyson who is nervously walking away with his phone. Tyson tries to shoo Natalya with his hands, tells his mom they will “see her soon”, then walks into another room and closes the door. Way to support your fiancee on your birthday! Natalya complains on camera he can never turn his mom down…so he leaves the hotel AND Natalya to go stay with his Mom.
Los Angeles, CA
Random Boutique Opening
The Funkadactyls are there with their men, all dressed up, Cameron grabs Naomi and has them pose for the cameras on the way in. Naomi says Cameron is focused on the glamor, whereas she is focused on wrestling techniques. Inside, Cameron is posing like it’s the Oscars and Naomi gives up and sits down while their boyfriends vanish into thin air like JoJo. (MATT: Boutiques. So important, they have red carpet openings.)
Tampa, FL
John Cena’s House
Nikki is in Dining Room #17 looking at a historical photo in Cena’s house and wrongly guesses who Churchill and Stalin are, completely mixing them up. Cena tells her that one of the men she guessed is FDR. Nikki, attempting to show that she has a brain inside her skull, says, “FDR doesn’t look like himself in that photo,” (MATT: HOW CAN SHE SAY THAT WHEN SHE COULDN’T IDENTIFY ANY OF THEM?!) Cutting through that bullshit, because WWE is touring through China, Cena starts giving her arbitrary Chinese lessons – which will work so well since she has such a command of the English language. Nikki goes full Ditz and says, “It’s difficult learning a different language, I know some Spanish but Chinese is literally, like…CHINESE.” He is teaching her how to order red wine, she’d prefer to learn dirty words instead. (MATT: You know, the important stuff.) She doesn’t elaborate, so we don’t learn if she wants to curse Cena out or tell him to ride her like a Shetland pony in Chinese.(MATT: Cena’s kitchen is huge and has like seven electric wine cellars. Every single time I see his house, I can’t believe he uses any of what he’s got.)
Pot Stirrer John asks how her dad is, knowing full well she hasn’t talked to him in a long while. (MATT: It’s either that or we watch Nikki struggle through Chinese words like “Wo” and then complain because it’s “literally, like Chinese”.) He questions her motives and she says if she talks to him, she will forgive him and then history will repeat itself so there’s no point. She listens to him even when he suggests she should apologize to him for not returning his texts. Though she exasperatedly tells him that he is “such a man”, she has her arms around his neck and its obvious she will talk to her dad sometime soon.
Calgary, AB – Canada
China Rose Restaurant
Since this is our Chinese themed episode, Cheryl, Tyson and Natalya have to go get Chinese food for lunch. Natalya says it’s a horrible day as it’s raining. As an extra suprise Tyson’s sister, Valerie, is there to make it “the birthday from Hell” for Natalya. (MATT: Not yet. WWE hasn’t had her job to Valerie. We’re close, though.) Natalya should take a cue from what I did for my last birthday: I had three birthday dinners on separate nights, and was able to shape my own guests lists, so that I got to see people I wanted to at them. (MATT: Our credit card companies adored us this year.)
Valerie and Cheryl grill them about why Natalya is staying a hotel. Natalya is already furious and tries to say she has a limited amount of time to see people, and Valerie and Cheryl insist that family comes first. That may be, but if Natalya’s real hometown (as opposed to kayfabe) is Calgary, shouldn’t she in theory have her own family to visit also? Nattie and Tyson tell her Mom they’ve been together 12 years. Valerie, who looks like the bastion of responsibility, suggests they have kids. Cheryl steps in and tells her daughter that’s not happening. Natalya shushes Tyson as he’s saying something to his mom. She complains on camera that she, and not his mom should be the special woman in Tyson’s life. Valerie asks if they’ve considered premarital counseling and both deny they have any issues to work through.
(MATT: The entire scene is so fucking uncomfortable, I can’t even bring myself to describe Tyson’s Mom, stroking the back of her son’s neck. *SHUDDER*)

Tampa, FL
Random Hotel – Gym
The twins grab free weights and start lifting. Nikki has been thinking about what Brie said about their dad, Nikki is ready to reach out to her dad. Nikki wants Brie to come with her if she goes to see her dad, and Brie readily agrees. Brie is excited that Nikki is willing to try. But she wants to do it in baby steps. This is totally gonna work with cameras all over the place.

WWE Training Facility
The Funkadactyls are in the ring to practice a new dance routine. Naomi wants to get some new steps in, Cameron, who criticizes Naomi for “knowing dance stuff”, attempts to teach Carmon how to dance. Cameron wants the moves to be refined with sexy poses thrown in to “work the face, work the camera.” Naomi disagrees and says, “We need to do more than just prance around the ring for a minute.” Cameron tells the camera that they’ve been catty and fighting a lot lately. (MATT: Over what? Naomi’s reluctance to go shopping? What is this even about?)
Brawley, CA

Bella Twin’s Nana’s House
The twins were raised in large part by their grandparents, Nikki says they were the biggest influences in her life. The twins, their nana and their brother, JJ, are holding hands and saying grace. Nikki delights in telling Nana that even Brie and Daniel have a composting toilet and they can even use the water recycled from that to grow their own vegetables. Nana is horrified by this and tells Bryan to call her for some reason. (MATT: Brie and Nikki pig out and have wine so I guess they’re over their weight issues.)
Calgary, AB – Canada
Hawaiian Heat Tanning
Natalya’s friend, Jaret, owns the store. Jaret has an amateur wrestling background and trained her. That explains the quality of her ring work. (MATT: HEY!) Jaret asked if she brought a bikini, he tells her she doesn’t have to wear one, hitting on her so hard, she must notice. She wears a pink bikini that he just can’t stop complimenting. It’s obvious he wants to compliment her figure, but he doesn’t and he sprays the tan on her. It comes out looking good (I’m impressed this show had a safe way of getting a tan on instead of showing a tanning booth) and he says they should get dinner sometime (read get drunk and have a night of sloppy sex) instead.

Brawley, CA
Cemetary – Papa Bella’s Grave
JJ and the Bellas take flowers to their grandfather’s grave. Brie, dressed casually, sits with Nikki, dressed like she’s going to a club. Nikki says this is the first time they’ve come to the grave site since his funeral 6 years ago. The twins wonder what he would have thought about their careers. With their dad deserting the twins their grandfather stepped into the dad role, Nikki says he helped shape the woman she is today. Nikki (MATT: Who just can’t stop herself from bringing up her relationship.) says, “It makes me sad that he will never get to meet John. John is the first amazing guy that I have ever been with and I just think they would have been best friends.” The gravestone’s epitaph contains a phrase their grandfather would use to describe the moon and stars.
Calgary, AB – Canada
Natalya and Tyson’s Hotel Room
Natalya gets a call from Tyson in the lobby, she goes to meet him in a beautiful formal-length purple and black dress. She’s happy she can spend a day to celebrate her birthday just with him. At the lobby, she’s surprised he’s not wearing the black suit she bought him. He responds, asking why he would wear it to his sister’s place. Brainwashed Tyson is spouting how good it is to see family. I don’t think they’ve seen one member of her family the whole week. She wants to go out for a nice dinner, he says Valerie is making a nice dinner, his whole family is there and they can go out for a nice couple’s dinner whenever. Natalya says if they aren’t having a private dinner, one that she specifically bought the dress for,  that she’s going back up to her room. Showing he knows nothing about women, he asks what he will tell his family. She tells him, “Tell them I’m spending the night here, watching Nancy Grace.” At this point, she should be ordering Lobster Thermidor with a side of caviar and the most expensive bottle of champagne she can find from room service, hopefully with a credit card that she is an authorized user on, but only Tyson is liable for paying. (MATT: Uh…*AHEM*)
Tampa, FL
Pole Position Raceway
The Funkadactyls, JoJo and Eva Marie are going go-karting on their day off, because apparently all WWE Diva’s contracts say you must spend a day off with at least one other Diva doing “stuff”. Eva Marie points to the winner’s stand and declares she’ll be standing on the top box when this is over/ Cameron and Naomi jokingly say they will win instead. “I know that I don’t look like a go-kart driver,” Cameron says on camera, “but I win everything and if I don’t win, I’m definitely going to have a boo-boo face.” They race and an employee comes over to tell them their scores. JoJo is third, Eva Marie is second (to her great shock) and Cameron wins. (MATT: Even though she forgot to “work the camera, work the face.”)
Naomi congratulates Cameron, who’s pissed that Naomi doesn’t sound sincere. Naomi tells the camera that this “isn’t the Daytona 500”. Cameron continues to push and Naomi goes for the jugular and says, “I’m the one who wins the matches.” Cameron agrees, but then presses that she’s the good one on the mic. Naomi foolishly says she is great on the mic also. They keep arguing and Naomi pushes Cameron, Cameron pushes back. They trade off pushes, and I’m kinda bummed they didn’t wreck the store. (JBL: FUNK IS ON A ROLL, DANIELLE!!!)
Calgary, AB – Canada
Trib Steakhouse
Still wearing the purple dress, Natalya meets Jaret for dinner. (MATT: What happened to Nancy Grace, champagne and caviar?) She says as Tyson blew her off, she was going to have a nice dinner with Jaret to catch up. She mentions that he insisted on making all the arrangements which is nice. Turns out that Jaret had a plan: they have a table in a private room with no other diners (MATT: Smoothie…definitely a smoothie…) which is amazing, considering how fancy Trib is. He asks about her day, she says it’s terrible and that she’s about to have “a knock-down, drag-out with” with Tyson and that “if he doesn’t watch it, he’s gonna get punched in the nose.” Jaret is smiling from ear to ear hearing this. She also says he’s a mama’s boy who takes her for granted.
“You have to ask yourself if this is what you want, because you’re a beautiful girl, you have lots of choices,” he tells her. He tells her she “needs someone who treats you like a princess, takes you out for nights on the town and maybe reserves an entire restaurant for you”. OK, if he reserved the entire place, he’s either rolling in dough or maybe this place just got approved to reopen by the Board of Health after some violation. Jaret tells her that they’ve always had a connection, that he has feelings for her and he doesn’t want her to marry Tyson. Nattie says she’s overwhelmed but the poor bastard continues pouring his heart out, telling her that he has nothing to lose by telling her how he feels and that “We only regret the things we don’t do, not what you end up doing.” (MATT: This was one of the most human moments I’ve ever seen on this show.) Tilt at that windmill, brother!

Brawley, CA
Random Park
Nikki is dreading seeing her dad, Jon. “It’s too late now, unless I jump in the pond and swim away, right,” she asks nervously. Her dad abandoned her, and her boyfriend who she thinks is the perfect guy has a name that’s phonetically the same to her dad’s. Can’t wait to see if they seem alike personality wise. Brie and JJ hug him but Nikki won’t.
Jon cuts to the chase and asks Nikki why she feels the way she does. Nikki says he can be selfish, and has been in and out of their lives since the divorce. She’s in tears, Brie’s in tears and Jon is crying a bit, too. Jon, who does sound a bit like Cena in how he reasons says, “I don’t have an excuse for you, there is no excuse for the pain I put you through.” (MATT: Cena says that?!) Jon taps into more self-awareness than Cena has showed thus far, says, “I fell and I hate myself for that and I will never stop telling you how sorry I am for how that happened.” He thanks her for opening up and says he will try harder on his end. (MATT: Cena is more heartfelt than this guy.)
Monday Night RAW / WWE Main Event

Backstage at Main Event
Jane Geddes, SVP WWE Talent Relations & Development and Mark Carrano, Senior Director, WWE Talent Relations are laying out the matches for the night. The Bellas will team with AJ against the Funkadactyls and Kaitlyn in a tag match. Naomi says she doesn’t want to work tonight and, when Cameron asks her why, she specifically says she doesn’t want to work with her. Jane and Mark decide to talk to the Funkadactyls separately. “At this point, I’d rather go to work and start from the bottom by myself and be happy then come to work and be successful and work with her and be pissed off every week,” Naomi states. Cameron says that is unprofessional, Naomi says Cameron is unprofessional all the time, and they keep arguing despite Jane and Mark being uncomfortable for it. Jane says it’s not up to them. Stephanie McMahon is the Head of Creative, so she will set up a meeting with them and her if they like. Cameron storms out.
Out in the hallway, Cameron describes the meeting and Natalya seems concerned that Stephanie will be getting involved but Cameron doesn’t seem to care. Jane tells The Funkadactyls that Steph wants to meet with both of them. Cameron outlines the beef, Stephanie yells at Naomi for pushing Cameron. Naomi sits there and takes it and doesn’t rightfully argue that they were both pushing each other. Naomi could have and should have asked if the cameramen who were filming for the show could show the roll. “When you are in public you are WWE Divas, I will not accept unprofessionalism,” Steph says. Furthermore, says she will have them work in singles matches before making “any drastic decisions about what the future holds.” Naomi thinks she will excel and is happy about it.
Mark outlines their new matches, Naomi will work with Alicia Fox and Cameron is with Aksana. Seamstress Sandra tries to ask what is wrong and Naomi is rude, “you need to work on that gear!” “Your gear is going to be affected by your attitude,” says Sandra. (MATT: I really hope Sandra’s getting paid a shit-ton of money for the abuse she takes.)
Backstage at Monday Night RAW
The Bellas are watching their guys’ tag match (John Cena and Team Hell No vs. The Shield) in a private room. Nikki says, “I get so turned on watching Jon wrestle half-naked, muscles bulging, sweat dripping down his chest,” while Brie notices Daniel’s hair and lumberjack outfit look good.
Main Event
Alicia Fox and Naomi’s match is up. Backstage, all the Divas (minus The Bellas) and Jane watch the match. Seamstress Sandra appears to have wussed out as the costume Naomi wears is blue, sparkly and something that looks great on her. Jane asks Natalya what she thinks, she says Naomi, “is doing good, but looks a little winded. Not like in her other matches, her conditioning is not where it needs to be.” Naomi leaps off the top ropes and instead of hitting Alicia, she blows the spot and nearly lands on her own face. Cameron is, of course, all smiles. “She totally miscalculated, this is not what you want the boss to see,” Natalya tells the cameras.
Jane asks a visibly nervous Cameron if she is ready, and Cameron says she is, “I was born ready.” “This is my first singles match tonight, I may not have the wrestling skills yet, but I have my charisma to make things happen,” she tells the camera. Naomi watches Cameron backstage, saying Cameron should slow down because she’s blowing her moves. At the end of the match, she looks like she’s visibly in pain. “As horrible as she’s been to me this week,” Naomi says, “it’s really hard to watch her struggle.”
Naomi sees Cameron in the hall and asks if they can talk. Naomi apologizes and says she didn’t like working without her. Cameron agrees and they both start crying and hugging. Naomi says they have to fix the tension. They agree they both bring something to the partnership and that they should tell Mark and Jane they want to stay together. 
This week’s hugs goes to – Natalya and Nikki. Natalya can’t even stand up for herself to have the plans she wants for her own birthday week. Her fiancee was uber-nonsupportive and she deserved better. Meanwhile, while the show is scripted, I’m convinced of Nikki’s pain, maybe even the fact that she hadn’t said any of this to her dad before is real. I don’t know how much she wants to have her father in her life, but I feel for her and hope this situation resolves in a way that’s healthy for her.
This week’s punches go to – The Funkadactyls – Cameron and Naomi  Cameron, it’s just a game, one moment in time, winning or for that matter losing at go-karts isn’t that big a deal, especially when bragging hurts your real life friend and coworker. Naomi – not only could she have been the bigger person, but starting the shoving then ignoring Cameron right until RAW was just silly.
(MATT: I hated the Funkadactyl crap. It was so pointless and forced. The rest of this wasn’t bad.)
Er, that’s it. Tommy Hall will be in later today to take you into the weekend with the Smackdown thing and Andy PG will start your week off right
with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday. Hope all is well!


Thank
you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff,
please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at
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Total Divas Season 1 Recap: Episode 4 – “The Fat Twin”

Last episode, “Planet Funk is Funked Up”, was all about Divas having to make sacrifices:

  • JoJo had to choose between keeping her boyfriend or pursuing her WWE
    career and chose the latter. Obviously, as we know, it didn’t exactly
    work out. She’s not only off WWE’s main roster of performers, she’s not
    even on Total Divas. (MATT: How awful do you have to be that they yank you from Total Divas?)  
  • Brie decided to sacrifice living near Nikki (and San Diego’s
    weather) to move to Arizona to be with her Incredible Skyping Dog…oh,
    and her mom and brother, too. 
  • Naomi had to decide whether to sacrifice her ideals and stay with an
    abusive fiance, Jimmy Uso, who in that one episode alone, grabbed a
    remote from her hands, demanded she wears her engagement ring while in
    the ring and threw a glass at a wall when things didn’t go his way.
    Naomi chose to stay abused over sanity and self-respect. (MATT: Though, I don’t know how much self-respect a person using their ass as a finishing move could possibly have…)

This episode doesn’t touch on any of those issues in any great
detail, but we do get to learn more about other aspects of their life.
As usual, Matt Perri will be chiming in with his color commentary as
well.

Kansas City, MO


Birdies 
Nikki is without Brie who is in Arizona (MATT: Wonder if anyone asked if she’s “likin’ da’ rain, gurl” yet…sorry…in-joke.) shopping with (MATT: …and suddenly pretending to care about…) Natalya. They look like they’re in a shoddy part of town but, SCORE! Shoddy Part of Town has a lingerie store! (MATT: Handy for distracting the pervy thugs who wanna steal your wallet.) Nikki wants to check the place out so she can “buy something sexy for John”. (MATT: And, at this point, the editors decide to give us an example of “sexy” by cutting to
something that wouldn’t turn on a 7th-grade Sex-Ed class: a pair of
yellow bikini panties with a giraffe printed on the crotch.)
Natalya
offers to help Nikki find something hot to wear for John. In return,
Nikki wants to help Nattie find something cute for her fiance, T.J who,
in the WWE Universe, is “Tyson Kidd”. Natalya doesn’t think lingerie is
“her thing” – ironic as the Divas costumes are supposed to be uber sexy
and Natalya spends nearly every event showing off her ample boobs, but,
ok.

She’s been with him 13 years, and engaged for 10 of
those. When Nikki asks how things are going with them, Nattie says,
“Ever since he got hurt, our sex life has gone down the drain.”  His
knee was injured months ago and they’ve been living like roommates with
no sex or even any romance. “I come home and I feel like I barely
exist,” Nattie elaborates. Being that she’s a stereotypical woman for
whom shopping is the answer to everything, Nikki suggests she tries on a
hot pink bra and panty set to get things back on track.

“I
like TJ, but Nattie always talks about how he plays with the cats more
than her, they’re kind of like an old couple,” she tells the camera.

Nikki
tries on the hot pink lingerie, herself, to inspire Natalya. This,
after Natalya suggests she buys a nightgown that hides everything on
her. Nikki cringes: “This looks like something you’d wear when your
grandmother comes to visit”. Natalya tries something more sexy on, yet
doesn’t want to come out of the dressing room. Nikki urges her to do so
and, finally, she does, wearing a black silk robe. Nikki’s skeptical and
reaches in to open the rope to reveal a black bra with and panty set
that looks great on her. (MATT: I’ve changed my mind. I award this show ten stars!) (I hope Matt is taking notes for Christmas, because I’m making out half my list just watching this show.) (MATT: You didn’t want the Ferrari F430? Ok, then…)
Natalya also tries on a red set she thinks Tyson will like. Nikki
suggests a set she wore “with tassels while riding her fiance” (This was
off-camera — sorry, Matt.) and makes humping motions to better
illustrate the coupling, as it were.

(MATT: A more playful intro than the epic “TREE DEBATE” from last week.)

Sprint Center – Backstage at Monday Night RAW
Cameron
compliments Naomi’s hair, then really comes alive when she sees Nikki
walk by with a hot pink dress on. The dress works overtime to compliment
Nikki’s enormous boobs (MATT: I swear, they get bigger each time I
see an episode…seriously, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were halfway
up her face next week.)
by allowing the top half of her breasts to
spill out. Cameron is so impressed, she can barely speak, whooping it
up: “Ooooo, girl, look at you…” To which Nikki replies, “When God made
perfection, he gave me these to buy.” (MATT: Wait…if God MADE “perfection”, why would she NEED to buy boobs? Nikki Bella, everyone! Isn’t she great?)
Nikki taunts Brie for having not gotten hers done and says Brie stares
at them a lot. “I can’t help but not,” Brie says, then pauses to snap
her gum, and says, “I know what they looked like BEFORE.”

Cameron says she has so little on top that, sometimes, a bathing suit or dress literally falls off her. (MATT:
Do we have a clip of this? A flashback? Anything? NOTHING?! Oh, for
fuck’s sake…they have the girls flashing back to their last fucking
TEETH CLEANING and they don’t have a flashback of dresses falling off of
themselves…)
Cameron channels her inner high school student and
stuffs her shirt with tissues, Naomi, having none of this, takes them
out and says that that looks horrible, adding “I think her boobs are
great! They’re perky and perfect and they fit her body,”

(MATT: BEWBZ! A semi-acceptable substitute for a PLOT.)

Autograph Booth – Outside Sprint Center
The Bellas (MATT: Boobs.) and Funkadactyls (MATT: BOOBS.) are in booth signing merchandise and Cameron wants to (MATT: BOOBS!!!) make more merchandise money to up her paycheck. She is clearly jealous that the men are looking so much at Nikki’s boobs (MATT: BOOBS, FER CRYIN’ OUTLOUD!!!) and taking camera photos.

Cameron
introduces herself to the show producer camera. Again. She also tells
the viewer that she and “Naomi” are “The Funkadactyls”. Again. They are a
top Diva faction, as if telling us a second time is supposed to make us
like them more. Cameron wants boobs so she can be “thebomb.com” and
calls Naomi, “Miss Thang”, further cementing herself as Token Black
Chick on the show. Naomi says she is perfect and all the really young
girls who see them at the booth would agree. Cameron says she’s making
an appointment just to see how a breast augmentation would look on her,
and she’s taking Naomi because plot reasons.

Daniel and Brie’s Hotel Room
Brie
wants to eat, so Daniel Bryan reads her room service menu to highlight
some dessert options. Brie cringes and says, “With SummerSlam coming, I
think I should be juicing.” Brie says she could lose three pounds in a
cleanse, then pinches her skeletal arm, checking for non-existent fat
and lifting her shirt which is flatter than a cutting board. (MATT:
With a sexy-ass rib cage you could play jazz xylophone with. All she
needs is yellow panties with a giraffe printed on the crotch and the
look will be complete.)
Brie’s body is already perfectly toned and,
if anything, gaining weight (maybe a bit more arm definition) is in
order. Daniel makes fun of her for always wanting to lose 3 pounds and
tells her she looks great.  Awww…now this is what a supportive
relationship looks like. I hope Jimmy Uso is watching this and learning,
but I doubt it.

Tampa, FL

Natalya and T.J.’s House
Natalya is ready for a hot night and sweetly calls Tyson by his real
name to entice him. She’s carrying in a brown bag that has her lingerie
purchase on it. He’s watching TV on the couch. She kisses him but he
barely looks at her. She greets their Siamese cat, Gizmo. She’s known TJ
since they were 10 “back when he was a little brat,” she says. When she
started “wrestling with him”, she figured out that he liked her. (MATT: In other words, they wrestled, he got wood, and they fucked. Just be honest and tell us, Nattie. We’re all adults.) She remarks that he’s “preoccupied” and he says he is because he’s “watching this WWE Pay Per View”. (MATT:
Extreme Rules, it looks like. Really terrible and obvious product
placement. All that’s missing is Michael Cole breaking in to the place
and telling everyone to subscribe to WWE Network.)
She recommends
they have a romantic meal out at Grill 23 which is close to their home
but he’s more interested in watching his “WWE Pay Per View” because “you
just can’t get enough.” (MATT: ONLY $9.99 A MONTH – with a six-month commitment!)

She
complains that, since his injury, she’s become a caretaker to him. She
changes into the black (no tassel) set she bought and he seems more
confused with why she’s wearing it than turned on. “I don’t know if I
have to dress up as Daniel Bryan for him to notice me,” she says in
disgust. (MATT: Wha–. I can’t–. What the fu–. I don’t…) She lays down on the couch next to him, putting her head right in his lap. But he’s still watching the WWE PAY PER VIEW (MATT: You get EVERY PAY PER VIEW WITH YOUR SUBSCRIPTION!).
What a way to make a woman feel special. Even if he physically cannot
have sex with her without increased knee pain, there are ways he could
make her feel good and satisfied or at least wanted, and none of them
involve watching TV and ignoring her.

Los Angeles, CA

Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – Riot House Restaurant
Nikki
is having breakfast with JoJo and Eva Marie who she still calls
newbies, and states that she has to keep an eye on Eva Marie as she’s
competition. They talk about how they are all obsessed with Instagram.
They vainly brag about showing off skin and boobs. Eva Marie is
concerned with Brie and Nikki’s Instagram because there’s a hater who
comments, “Nikki is SOOO the FAT twin!!”
 
Nikki is upset with this. She’s horrified for two reasons: 1) “somebody used that many O’s”, (MATT: Yep. This was said.)
and, 2) this makes women insecure. Nikki says she should invite the
commenter out and show them “what ‘fat’ really is”. Also, she’s wiping
away tears over this, an anonymous person on the internet. Over somebody
she doesn’t know who, statistically, probably has a larger BMI than she
does.

Eva sits there, feeling sorry for Nikki while
Jojo squeaks something inaudible, I don’t know. I forgot she was there
until they showed her again.

They all sit there in
silence, as if learning that all shoes on Earth are now Crocs, and
pretend that Nikki has an eating disorder.

(MATT: I
Googled that comment. It doesn’t exist. Also, if the commenter was real,
I don’t think he meant “fat” the way Nikki things he does. In other
words, bewbz.)

San Diego, CA

Caffee Bella Italia
Brie, Daniel and Nikki are having dinner. John Cena is conspicuously absent. (MATT:
“Caffee Bella Italia?! Fuck that! The champ is going to be HERE…at
home, watching the Padres game with some chowder my private chef made in
one of my seven kitchens…”)
It’s dessert time and Nikki wants the Lava Cake. (MATT:
This is the part where we’re supposed to all be concerned and
collectively screaming at our TV’s not to do it…but it’s kinda
difficult when Daniel Bryan’s sitting there, watching them argue while
inhaling his pizza.)
Brie tells her “no sweets” and then both Brie and Bryan make fun of her. (MATT: WWE: Don’t Be a Bully.) I’d
eat dessert every day, too, if I could do so and look like that. Nikki
gets it anyway and makes a point of saying how delicious it is. Brie is
mad as they were hired as identical twins and they have to look perfect
and identical at all times — but, then Nikki got “her own set of
twins”, so they’re not really twins anymore in a physical sense. Brie
says Nikki should join her in doing a juice cleanse without dessert or
alcohol. “Does wine count?” asks Nikki who, with that question alone,
makes Honey Boo Boo look like a Rhodes Scholar. Brie’s serious. She
wants to “look identical”. (MATT: Jesus H. Balding Christ on a raft,
just tell their photographer to Photoshop Nikki’s jugs! Am I the only
one thinking this?!)
Nikki reluctantly agrees to 20 days of dieting
— and dips her fingers into the dessert she barely touched so she can
shake Brie’s hand.

Los Angeles, CA

Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – Outside the hotel entrance
Trinity
and Jimmy Uso are ready to go out and he’s already gripping her by the
forearm menacingly. I don’t even think he realizes “bully” is his
default setting. Cameron shows up carrying a Chihuahua she suddenly
owns, named “Noodle”. Cameron claims that she takes Noodle everywhere,
even though this is the first time we’ve EVER seen him. Naomi is going
to go with Cameron to a plastic surgeon so she can see how Cameron will
look with bigger boobs. Jimmy is, allegedly, there to “give a male
opinion”, (MATT: Hey, honey! Wanna come and see how Cameron would look with fake boobs? What a lucky guy.)
He has to squeeze in the back of Cameron’s tiny car and hold the dog.
Jimmy is worried the dog will pee on him. Instead, the dog throws up on
the seat. (MATT: That’s SOOO Noodle, isn’t it??) Naomi and Jey look ill as the dog tosses up cookies in his little car-crib or whatever.

Office of Dean A. Manus, M.D., F.A.C.S. (MATT: B.E.W.B.Z.)
A
plate on the door gives us his name with the title, “Breast & Body”
to emphasize that Manus is really a quack who thinks breasts are not
normally known as body parts. Cameron tells Jimmy he must stay in the
waiting room. (MATT: Wasn’t he supposed to “give his opinion”? What the fuck was he even there for?)
Naomi, obviously competing with Nikki for Dumbest Diva Ever, asks “So,
let’s say she gets her boobs done on Friday…Monday, could she take a
body slam?” Linda laughs uncomfortably and says she thinks that’s
unlikely. 

Linda shows her boobs to the girls — pixelated, of course — and Cameron gets to feel them as well. (MATT: I request unedited material on WWE Network, please. By the way, Dean’s
a plastic surgeon. Linda is his Beverly Hills trophy wife. So she was
pretty much here to give Cameron and Naomi a female face and get felt
up. Is this a great country or what?)
Linda leaves and says, “I
can always flash you again later, in case you want to see.” Naomi
decides Jimmy should see because Stockholm Syndrome Fiance. She goes out
to the waiting room to retrieve him, saying she “has a present” for
him. Jimmy walks in and, bam, Linda flashes him. Jimmy averts his eyes,
thinking he’s just walked into a trap. Naomi gives him a “one time pass,
will never happen again” chance to touch them. Naomi feels — and he
does as well. They both agree they feel real.


(MATT: “That is one…NUTTY hospital.”)
After the filming of Girls Gone Wild: Plastic Surgeon Edition wraps, the ACTUAL doctor shows up to consult with Cameron. (MATT: You mean, this office actually does plastic surgery and you can’t just walk in and feel Dean’s wife’s tits?)
He lets her feel a few implants and recommends silicone. Cameron is
able to try them in the tank top she is wearing. (Personally, as a
petite girl with C cups, I’d never get an augmentation but, hey, having
the implant models might be fun for a night out.) The doctor lets her
take them home to try out how they look and feel. In a moment sure to
insult anyone’s intelligence, Naomi makes Cameron do one of their
routines and the implants bounce all over the place and finally fall
out. We get the obligatory closeup of the models on the floor. Cameron,
adding to an episode which has set women back 70 years, says, “I hope
that doesn’t happen when I’m dancing!”

The doctor
tells her she would need a month to recover to be back in the ring
after the operation  but that two months is ideal. I’m assuming the
company doesn’t give Divas paid time off so, already, our little Suze
Orman wannabee is losing money. That’s assuming her insurance covers
this 100% which is doubtful. Naomi tells the camera she cannot have
Cameron take off two months now.

(VINCE: Fake boobs? I’ll allow it!)

San Diego, CA


Casa de Juice
Nikki jokes that Brie is taking her to get a
milkshake. Brie assures her she’s not, but says Nikki could shop at the
nearby mall after. They go inside and Brie orders two “Go, Green, Go”
drinks and makes the juice guys add beets to them to “detox” all the
alcohol Nikki had last night. Even if Nikki had drank a whole bottle of
wine as her dinner last night, it’s out of her system by now, but we’ve
already gone nuts with the whole boobs thing, so let’s go the full nine.
“I know Nikki better than anyone,” Brie explains, “and giving my sister
tough love is the best way to get her in shape.” (MATT: Brie looks like an anorexic Anjeclica Huston. She looks exhausted and you can see her skeleton when she leans forward.) Christ,
if she lost any more weight, Nikki would make stick figures jealous. A
wine-maker or ice cream company could even have Nikki model the body she
has while consuming their stuff and pay her in product. It’s a win-win.

Nikki
takes one sip of her drink and makes a disgusted face. Brie says they
are going to have five Go Green Go’s a day. Perhaps Brie forgot, having
moved to Arizona now, that Farmers markets and even regular supermarkets
sell fruits and vegetables. They can buy healthy foods they like and
make their own smoothies.

Tampa, FL

Surf Shack Coastal Kitchen
Remember Natalya? She’s in this scene! Tyson takes Natalya out for lunch, claiming that he “ate here once with Christian.” (MATT:
Christian is one of the MANY WWE Superstars on WWE NETWORK! Only $9.99
per month! I can just picture sex: “Doggy style is like a takedown hold
used by Curt Henning!”)
Natalya has been putting pressure on Tyson
to be “romantic” and pulls out the big guns: suddenly wedding planning
after a full decade. Nattie wants a “small wedding” as she already has
50 people in her wedding, including 36 cousins. She’s thinking 150
people. She wants their “WWE family, my family, a couple of your
friends, it wouldn’t be everyone” She gets to have all her relatives and
he only gets a few token people. No wonder they are still engaged at
this point. Heck, I’m surprised he put a ring on it at all!

He tells Nattie that marriage is “just a piece of paper”. (MATT: Awwww…how romantic!)
Natalya, not wanting to be the only Diva who doesn’t get married on
this show, instantly caves to just 50 people. Tyson is too busy with
rehab and other “things he has going on”. What, is he designing and
programming video games? He doesn’t wanna think about STUFF right now,
man.

San Diego, CA

Nikki’s Gas-Guzzling SUV OF DOOM
In
yet another moment of deep, philosophical conversation, Nikki asks Brie
what kind of animal she would be if she could pick any. Brie makes
Nikki pick first, so Nikki chooses a lioness. “Of course: you want to be
on top of the food chain, ” Brie says, to which Nikki replies, “I could
eat anything I want.” Brie declines to choose an animal and instead
grills Nikki on the juice cleanse. They’re on Day 2 and Brie expects her
to be dizzy and hungry. Nikki is ready to eat anything at this point (MATT:
This, despite Brie’s promises that the Green shakes would “cure her
hunger”. WWE couldn’t get diet right to save their lives.)
and claims that she “won’t make it” with the diet. Brie gives her a juice in a bottle calling it a “road soda”. (MATT: Said with the same creepy excitement as a drug dealer explaining the newest street high)
Nikki hopes it’s “spiked with rum” because DUI’s are badass and
extreme. Nikki says she is so grumpy and hungry that she’s gonna kill
someone, “I’m gonna slaughter a cow now and just eat its flesh.” (MATT: She wouldn’t touch a hamburger if she WASN’T on a diet.)

Los Angeles, CA

Andaz West Hollywood Hotel – The Sundeck
Jimmy Uso and Naomi are having breakfast by the pool when Cameron shows up. (MATT: Yelling, “Holla, bitches” like that’s something she normally does.)
She’s wearing the model implants inside her bikini top and it’s really
weird. Jimmy’s impressed, I guess. Cameron takes off her robe and shows
she has a turquoise bikini on, Naomi is amazed that Cameron has been
wearing them day and night and even slept in them. “If you’re gonna do a
test run, girl, you have to do it 100%, you can’t just do it 50%,”
Cameron tells her. “You’re taking the test drive to a whole new level.”
Naomi tells her. Naomi tells her she must test them in the pool then.
Naomi gets in first and pretends to be drowning and has Cameron do the
slow Baywatch run to rescue her. A model implant falls out immediately
and floats on the surface.

(MATT: The first genuinely funny moment happens here when Naomi says, “Silicon implants FLOAT…who knew?”)

San Diego, CA 

Nikki’s Apartment
Brie says it’s hard to just do the cleanse and implies she’s not consuming anything besides the juices. (MATT: Hey, uh…isn’t Brie supposed to be in Arizona with her magical dog?)
Brie notices Nikki is too quiet and suddenly transforms into Sherlock
Holmes, going through Nikki’s trash, where she finds an empty wine
bottle. Brie grills her but Nikki is like Perry Mason in the courtroom:
she’s ready to defend herself. (MATT: God bless her, she actually says, “Wine has antioxidants, so I don’t consider it a full alcoholic beverage.” Nikki is like walking, talking E-Card meme.)

Brie digs through Nikki’s trash some more (MATT: She’s surprisingly good at that.) and finds evidence that Nikki ate a muffin. (MATT: Oh no. Actual food.)
Brie berates her, saying it was going to help these identical twins get
back on track on looking alike. Amusing, since Brie can’t seem to put
two and two together to figure out that Nikki has giant boobs and she
doesn’t. Then she says “No wonder people think you’re fat on Twitter and
a WHORE!” (MATT: Uh…subscribe now or…?) Brie says Nikki “was doing so well and she just threw it all away.” Brie leaves her twin’s apartment in disgust (MATT: A running theme.)
that her sister couldn’t give her 20 days of a juice cleanse that
probably has very few doctors and scientists thinking is a good idea.

Los Angeles, CA

Cameron’s Apartment
Cameron’s
boyfriend, Vincent, can’t wait to see her with her model implants in
her bra. Since all the blood has left his brain on the way to his penis,
he offers to name her new boobs. She comes out with different size ones
on each side, letting him feel them. She walks away and puts on a set
of bigger ones. He names the left one Janice. She says they are too big
and walks away without letting him feel them. Vincent wipes his sweaty
face all over their couch blanket — and then sniffs at it like an
animal about to mark his territory.

Random Beach – WWE Summer Slam Photo Shoot
Brie mocks Nikki by saying how she feels great because she is in such great shape. (MATT: The look pretty much the same as they did at the beginning of the episode.) Nikki
apologizes for cheating on the cleanse but says people hurt her
feelings when they say she is fat, and then when Brie says it, it really
hurts. Nikki storms off. (MATT: Is there a scene where these girls DON’T storm off?)

Brie
follows Nikki to their trailer for the shoot. She’s sick of Brie making
her feel insecure. She wipes away tears, saying, “Let me embrace who I
am. I love having curves.” (MATT: Uh-oh…Nikki better stop crying…those tears contain precious water weight.)
Brie apologizes to Nikki and says she hounds Nikki because she,
herself, is insecure. She’s always looking in the mirror and finding
flaws. If Brie does ever become pregnant, someone is going to have to
take all the mirrors out of her house, if not hire a psychiatrist to be
there 24/7. Nikki reminds her that, after the shoot, she can eat
whatever she wants (as can Brie) and that Brie said she will pay for it.
They hug it out and everyone is okay and normal again and nobody has
anymore weight issues. Yay!

They shoot the
commercial and Brie has changed her entire outlook: “I think its OK if
the Bella Twins do not look identical. We’re not clones, we’re twins,”

Tampa, FL

Natalya and Tyson’s House
Tyson
has a surprise for her, they’re going for a car ride and she’s ecstatic
that he has something romantic planned. Natalya is confused as to where
they’re going as “the further we drive, the neighborhood starts to get a
little sketchy.” She’s even more put off when they get out at the city
courthouse. “We can just get this done right now,” he tells her, in
regards to marrying her on the spot. He’s confused as he thinks it was
to celebrate their relationship and as there are only two of them in it,
they should just get married by themselves. “I’ve waited years for this
day, and this is where TJ wants to get married?” she tells the camera.
He wants to go in and get it over with, she wants to go home. She
finally unloads on him, telling him that he treats her like a friend,
pays more attention to the cats, and that’s why she wanted a big
wedding: to feel she had a romantic day. She runs away from him, telling
him, “I’m not even getting married to you.” She tells them that the
thirteen total years they’ve been together mean nothing to him if this
is how he wants to get married. (MATT: TJ even calls her “Bridezilla” at one point. Thaaaat’s not good.)

Monday Night RAW – Backstage
Cameron
is enjoying bouncing around with her implant models in place. She shows
them to WWE Seamstress Sandra and allows her to feel them. Sandra likes
them so Cameron asks her to sew them into her costume. Sandra
apparently likes this idea and even told Cameron once that when she
(Sandra) was eight years old, her breasts were the size of what Cameron
has now. Even WWE’s elderly seamstresses make more women feel insecure
about their bodies. If there are any women reading this, please know
that breasts are beautiful in all shapes and sizes, they truly are. (MATT: This show is like ABC’s After-School Special series. Only kinda goofy.)
Cameron realizes if she has an augmentation she may make her smaller
breasted fans feel insecure…but enough feeling bad! She still wants
the model implants sewn into her costume especially with Sandra egging
her on.

Cameron grabs her top with enhancements and
brings it to the locker room to show The Bella Twins. “Damn girl, looks
like you’ve been shopping in my closet,” Nikki says. Cameron leaves her
costume unattended and, lo and behold, one of the implants goes missing.
Cameron flies off the handle and blames Naomi, who happens to be near
the costume. Naomi denies it. Naomi cracks up and Cameron accuses her
again and says she won’t go out like that. “You’re tripping, your’e
going out with or without that boob,” Naomi tells her. (MATT: Never,
in my life, have I ever heard anyone say, “Help me look for my boob” and
I don’t think I will ever hear that phrase again.)
Naomi
tells her to just put her old padding on the side with the missing
boob. Cameron refuses to go out and lays prostrate on the floor, I
guess, to pray for a miracle.

Rather than using the
padding Naomi suggested and that Cameron has allegedly used before, or
going to Sandra, Cameron starts stuffing paper towels in her top.

The Funkadactyls go into the ring and dance behind Tons of Fun as usual. Everything seems OK.

The
Bellas are watching the match on a TV backstage and John Cena comes up
to them. Brie admits they played a prank on Cameron. Nikki confesses
that she took one of the implants. Cena says that’s not nice and then
accuses her of ruining people’s lives. Cena proclaims himself “a nice
person” and play-lectures them. He says that he’ll be over in the “nice
section, doing nice things.”

The Funkadactyls return
backstage and Nikki asks if they lost something. She has the implant in
hand and even takes paper towels out of Cameron’s top. (MATT: Can we
see the uncut version where Cameron doesn’t act like a passive goofball
and, instead, kicks the holy shit out of Nikki and Brie?)
Considering
it appeared to go unnoticed by the WWE Universe even with the active
moves of the Funkadactyls running into each other chest first a few
times, the prank wasn’t that effective at all. Nikki hugs her and says
it was just a joke.

Cameron is scared of going under
the knife and, as she wants to be a role model, she thinks it would be a
bad decision to get the implants put in for real (though she will let
Sandra continue stuffing her tops).  Brie is happy that Cameron is
making that decision.

Los Angeles, CA


Natalya and Tyson’s House
Natalya
comes home and Tyson has a romantic evening for her: candles, wine,
strawberries,  rose petals on the floor, and a rose bouquet. She says
this is the most romantic he has ever been. (MATT: This takes little to no effort. What was “romantic” before this?)
How did he propose then, with a coin and a ring box, heads, we get
married, tails, forget it? He apologizes for not being romantic enough.
As he’s not a mind reader she should tell him when she needs something
from him. (MATT: Bingo.) She apologizes for being out of line,
having lost sight of why they were getting married. She’s thinking they
should have a beach wedding, and he likes the idea. Their Siamese,
Gizmo, can be the ring bearer. She toasts to more romance and they kiss.
He says she should go put the lingerie back on.

Er, that’s it.


This week’s punch goes to: Brie for recommending a
ridiculously strict, probably dangerous diet to someone who already is
uber-insecure about her weight and who is already in fantastic shape
and, when it goes south, is incredibly rude. I’m shocked WWE is
promoting something that could hurt people.

This week’s hugs go to: Nikki  and Cameron. Both
women came to the same conclusion that it’s OK to love your body as is.
Cameron further realized choices she makes can influence others. (I’m
giving Nikki a pass on the fact that she changed her body with implants –
that was before this show and her implant stealing prank. It was mean,
but she did return it and Brie had driven her to near insanity with her
insistent focus on her weight.)

That’s it. Sorry this was so late. We’ve had a busy week and had to coordinate time to finally get this done. Andy PG will start your week off right with the PG Era Raw Rant on Monday. Hope all is well!

Thank you to all the BoD’ers and, hey, if you wanna read more of our stuff, please visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and, of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.