The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012 Live from Milwaukee, WI Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Booker TWWE World title: CM Punk v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho Weird that they’re starting with this one. Kofi and Punk are your first entrants, and I bet you don’t even remember when they were tag champions. Obviously Punk has gotten the better of that one since then. Nice opening sequence with a bunch of pinfall reversals, but Punk takes over on the grating outside with some good bumping by Kofi. Dolph Ziggler is the next guy in. He gets a fameasser off the cage in a nice idea for a spot with a camera angle where you could a foot of space between them. Another cool spot sees Kofi and Punk both trying springboards, which leads to a mid-air collision ala Looney Tunes cartoons. I’m kind of shocked that no one has thought of that sequence before. R-Truth is next into the match and Punk quickly cleans house on him and eliminates him with the flying elbow, after a little “fuck you” to Jericho. A PG one, of course. More tremendous bumping from Kingston and Ziggler, as Kofi does a Spider-Man dive off the cage and DDTs Dolph on the steel. Miz is the fifth guy and he destroys everyone as Ziggler keeps bumping like Mr. Perfect on even more drugs. Miz and Punk mistime thestart of their big sequence but then pull it off OK. Jericho saves Miz from the Anaconda Vice and the crowd treats Punk v. Jericho like a bigtime feud. Great bunch of near-falls ends with Jericho hitting the Codebreaker on Ziggler to get rid of him. Then he hides from Punk in his pod like a champion coward. He uses that to sucker Punk in for a beatdown while Miz and Kofi just lay around like corpses. Thankfully they recover so that Jericho and Punk can lay around. Kofi earns his pay with a high cross from the pod and then walks into the Walls of Jericho to end his night. And it was the awesome old school Walls too, not the lame WWE boston crab version. Jericho beats on Kofi all the way out of the cage, but turns around and eats a high kick from Punk to exit, so the referees declare him unable to continue. So the match screeches to a halt, and we’re left with the most anticlimactic final two with Punk and Miz. So Punk finishes Miz off after a perfunctory near-fall by Miz, and retains with the GTS at 32:39. Some cool spots, but way too much inaction between them. I will say that Punk was really booked and treated like a true tippy top guy here. ***1/4 Speaking of tippy top guys, it’s yet another goddamned John Cena video package on PPV. He likes to lift weights and lets the developmental guys use his gym. Because he’s just a regular guy, you know. I should note that Seth “Tyler Black” Rollins and Xavier “Consequences Creed” Woods pop up as talking heads here, which is a pretty inauspicious way to make your WWE debut. Divas title: Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Snuka, Daughter of Jimmy Snuka Despite the announcers saying about 10 times that TAMINA IS THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA before the match even starts, she still gets no reaction. Tamina makes an early attempt at the flying splash and gets dumped as a result. Someone should edit together all the mentions of Tamina being THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA and put it on Youtube. Beth puts Tamina in a dragon sleeper, giving us an unflattering view of her love handles. After another 14 mentions of Tamina’s father, Beth blocks the flying splash with a superplex. And yet Tamina KEEPS TRYING IT because she’s literally got one move she can do. So she hits it on the third attempt and only gets two, then goes up and tries it a FOURTH time, before coming down and walking into the Glam Slam. Way, way, WAY longer than it should have been. Tamina’s got nothing to offer and got completely exposed by going longer than the minute she has been. * Big Johnny comes out for his big announcement, but before he can stumble over his words and deliver it, Alberto Del Rio interrupts. For some reason he really dislikes Teddy Long and thinks Johnny should be GM for both shows. This also brings out Mark Henry and where’s the fucking wrestling? Christian also returns, now with beard, and he’s also on Team Ace. And that’s the segment. I’m paying $55 for this bullshit? And that’s their big idea for the returns of ADR and Christian? World title: Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Santino v. Great Khali v. Cody Rhodes v. Wade Barrett Astonishingly, no one jumps Santino and takes his spot. Hopefully all the comedy segments with him tonight will motivate him to have a good match. It’s Show and Barrett to start and that’s as boring as you’d expect. Maybe moreso. The crowd is even meaner than me, shitting on the match with “boring” chants as they just do a normal Big Show match in what’s supposed to be this brutal cage. Cody Rhodes is next as the announcers talk about what a loser Show is when it comes to Wrestlemania. Boy, that’s a hell of a way to get someone over. So Barrett takes out Show’s leg and now we get the thrill of Big Show selling a leg hold in SATAN’S PRISON. Barrett dominates both guys and Santino is up next. He does his usual sequence of stuff on Barrett and then gets destroyed by Big Show. This thing is just going nowhere. The heels manage a suplex on Show outside. More announcing annoyance as they wonder if he can be rolled back in and pinned, but you don’t HAVE to pin someone in the ring. The crowd starts chanting for “boring” again, the only person in the match getting any heat. Khali is next one in and beats up on everyone, but Show spears and pins him. Why even book Khali in the match? And then the match grinds even more to a halt as Show stares down Bryan while everyone else obliges by doing nothing. Show is so ANGRY that he breaks the chains on top of the pod, when really this takes so long that he could just wait for Bryan to enter the match legally. Show beating up on Bryan FINALLY gets a reaction from the crowd, and D-Bry gets tossed through the pod. Like, everyone else was literally just lying there for FIVE MINUTES while they did that spot. Show kills Bryan and chokeslams him, but Barrett saves. Finally it picks up with Rhodes getting a pair of disasters and a DDT on Show to eliminate him. The crowd really, REALLY hates that one. Santino rolls up Cody to get rid of him. Barrett beats on Santino on the cage and leaves him for dead, then powerbombs Bryan into the cage for an awesome visual. He slams the pod door on Bryan’s head for two, and Santino stupidly keeps fighting. Barrett destroys him again, but walks into a flying knee from Bryan. They head up and Santino saves Bryan, but can’t get his own superplex. Wade misses a flying elbow and Bryan gets a flying headbutt to allow Santino to eliminate Barrett. Well this is a pretty obvious finish coming up. Bryan literally kicks the hell out of him for two, but misses the diving headbutt. Santino unleashes the Cobra, but only gets two, and the Lebell Lock finishes to give Bryan the win. The heat for Santino was off the charts at the end, which is the real miracle considering how crappy the match started. ***1/2 Really, only the last 10 minutes or so were any good, but it was a hell of a finish. Sheamus comes out and lays out Bryan with an Emerald Frozen, but sadly does not point at the Wrestlemania sign. And then FARTING NATALYA makes the PPV, as Hornswoggle triggers a confrontation between Jack Swagger and Justin Gabriel. Over cheese. US title: Jack Swagger v. Justin Gabriel Hey, finally Swagger defends the title, only a month after winning it. Swagger dominates and gets a powerbomb and pump splash, but Gabriel comes back with some high flying stuff. Swagger clips him and finishes clean with the anklelock to retain. This was fine as time filler. *1/2 Ambulance match: John Cena v. Kane They do some brawling to the ambulance before it turns into the usual Cena v. Kane match in the ring, which leads to Kane getting the SMOTHER CLAW OF DEATH to put Cena out. He actually pulls a wheelchair from under the ring and wheels Cena up the aisle, and back to the ambulance they go. Cena actually puts Kane into the wheelchair and rolls him into a table in the most absurd spot thus far, as Kane actually has to hold up his feet to allow it to happen. The long silly brawl continues through the crowd and back to ringside, and Cena arranges the furniture. Sadly, he doesn’t embrace the hate fast enough, and Kane chokeslams him through the Spanish announce table. Kane has to then retrieve a gurney and roll Cena all the way back to the ambulance, but after all that Cena comes back again and escapes. He goes on top of the ambulance and Kane follows like a moron, allowing Cena to hit the FU off the roof and onto a crash pad below. That’s weak sauce. I would have gone with the gimmicked roof and had him put Kane right through for the win. Like you don’t even SEE THE BUMP! Plus Cena doesn’t even drive the ambulance off, someone else does. Cena is so happy that he gives us a CELEBRATORY POINT to the sign. So no Eve or Ryder, just an ending. Sometimes that’s enough, I guess. **1/4 I’d call it a decent show that I didn’t feel ripped off for buying, but man was the filler and lack of depth evident tonight. Thumbs in the middle, total placeholder show that you’re fine not going out of your way to see.

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012 Live from Milwaukee, WI Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Booker TWWE World title: CM Punk v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho Weird that they’re starting with this one. Kofi and Punk are your first entrants, and I bet you don’t even remember when they were tag champions. Obviously Punk has gotten the better of that one since then. Nice opening sequence with a bunch of pinfall reversals, but Punk takes over on the grating outside with some good bumping by Kofi. Dolph Ziggler is the next guy in. He gets a fameasser off the cage in a nice idea for a spot with a camera angle where you could a foot of space between them. Another cool spot sees Kofi and Punk both trying springboards, which leads to a mid-air collision ala Looney Tunes cartoons. I’m kind of shocked that no one has thought of that sequence before. R-Truth is next into the match and Punk quickly cleans house on him and eliminates him with the flying elbow, after a little “fuck you” to Jericho. A PG one, of course. More tremendous bumping from Kingston and Ziggler, as Kofi does a Spider-Man dive off the cage and DDTs Dolph on the steel. Miz is the fifth guy and he destroys everyone as Ziggler keeps bumping like Mr. Perfect on even more drugs. Miz and Punk mistime thestart of their big sequence but then pull it off OK. Jericho saves Miz from the Anaconda Vice and the crowd treats Punk v. Jericho like a bigtime feud. Great bunch of near-falls ends with Jericho hitting the Codebreaker on Ziggler to get rid of him. Then he hides from Punk in his pod like a champion coward. He uses that to sucker Punk in for a beatdown while Miz and Kofi just lay around like corpses. Thankfully they recover so that Jericho and Punk can lay around. Kofi earns his pay with a high cross from the pod and then walks into the Walls of Jericho to end his night. And it was the awesome old school Walls too, not the lame WWE boston crab version. Jericho beats on Kofi all the way out of the cage, but turns around and eats a high kick from Punk to exit, so the referees declare him unable to continue. So the match screeches to a halt, and we’re left with the most anticlimactic final two with Punk and Miz. So Punk finishes Miz off after a perfunctory near-fall by Miz, and retains with the GTS at 32:39. Some cool spots, but way too much inaction between them. I will say that Punk was really booked and treated like a true tippy top guy here. ***1/4 Speaking of tippy top guys, it’s yet another goddamned John Cena video package on PPV. He likes to lift weights and lets the developmental guys use his gym. Because he’s just a regular guy, you know. I should note that Seth “Tyler Black” Rollins and Xavier “Consequences Creed” Woods pop up as talking heads here, which is a pretty inauspicious way to make your WWE debut. Divas title: Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Snuka, Daughter of Jimmy Snuka Despite the announcers saying about 10 times that TAMINA IS THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA before the match even starts, she still gets no reaction. Tamina makes an early attempt at the flying splash and gets dumped as a result. Someone should edit together all the mentions of Tamina being THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA and put it on Youtube. Beth puts Tamina in a dragon sleeper, giving us an unflattering view of her love handles. After another 14 mentions of Tamina’s father, Beth blocks the flying splash with a superplex. And yet Tamina KEEPS TRYING IT because she’s literally got one move she can do. So she hits it on the third attempt and only gets two, then goes up and tries it a FOURTH time, before coming down and walking into the Glam Slam. Way, way, WAY longer than it should have been. Tamina’s got nothing to offer and got completely exposed by going longer than the minute she has been. * Big Johnny comes out for his big announcement, but before he can stumble over his words and deliver it, Alberto Del Rio interrupts. For some reason he really dislikes Teddy Long and thinks Johnny should be GM for both shows. This also brings out Mark Henry and where’s the fucking wrestling? Christian also returns, now with beard, and he’s also on Team Ace. And that’s the segment. I’m paying $55 for this bullshit? And that’s their big idea for the returns of ADR and Christian? World title: Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Santino v. Great Khali v. Cody Rhodes v. Wade Barrett Astonishingly, no one jumps Santino and takes his spot. Hopefully all the comedy segments with him tonight will motivate him to have a good match. It’s Show and Barrett to start and that’s as boring as you’d expect. Maybe moreso. The crowd is even meaner than me, shitting on the match with “boring” chants as they just do a normal Big Show match in what’s supposed to be this brutal cage. Cody Rhodes is next as the announcers talk about what a loser Show is when it comes to Wrestlemania. Boy, that’s a hell of a way to get someone over. So Barrett takes out Show’s leg and now we get the thrill of Big Show selling a leg hold in SATAN’S PRISON. Barrett dominates both guys and Santino is up next. He does his usual sequence of stuff on Barrett and then gets destroyed by Big Show. This thing is just going nowhere. The heels manage a suplex on Show outside. More announcing annoyance as they wonder if he can be rolled back in and pinned, but you don’t HAVE to pin someone in the ring. The crowd starts chanting for “boring” again, the only person in the match getting any heat. Khali is next one in and beats up on everyone, but Show spears and pins him. Why even book Khali in the match? And then the match grinds even more to a halt as Show stares down Bryan while everyone else obliges by doing nothing. Show is so ANGRY that he breaks the chains on top of the pod, when really this takes so long that he could just wait for Bryan to enter the match legally. Show beating up on Bryan FINALLY gets a reaction from the crowd, and D-Bry gets tossed through the pod. Like, everyone else was literally just lying there for FIVE MINUTES while they did that spot. Show kills Bryan and chokeslams him, but Barrett saves. Finally it picks up with Rhodes getting a pair of disasters and a DDT on Show to eliminate him. The crowd really, REALLY hates that one. Santino rolls up Cody to get rid of him. Barrett beats on Santino on the cage and leaves him for dead, then powerbombs Bryan into the cage for an awesome visual. He slams the pod door on Bryan’s head for two, and Santino stupidly keeps fighting. Barrett destroys him again, but walks into a flying knee from Bryan. They head up and Santino saves Bryan, but can’t get his own superplex. Wade misses a flying elbow and Bryan gets a flying headbutt to allow Santino to eliminate Barrett. Well this is a pretty obvious finish coming up. Bryan literally kicks the hell out of him for two, but misses the diving headbutt. Santino unleashes the Cobra, but only gets two, and the Lebell Lock finishes to give Bryan the win. The heat for Santino was off the charts at the end, which is the real miracle considering how crappy the match started. ***1/2 Really, only the last 10 minutes or so were any good, but it was a hell of a finish. Sheamus comes out and lays out Bryan with an Emerald Frozen, but sadly does not point at the Wrestlemania sign. And then FARTING NATALYA makes the PPV, as Hornswoggle triggers a confrontation between Jack Swagger and Justin Gabriel. Over cheese. US title: Jack Swagger v. Justin Gabriel Hey, finally Swagger defends the title, only a month after winning it. Swagger dominates and gets a powerbomb and pump splash, but Gabriel comes back with some high flying stuff. Swagger clips him and finishes clean with the anklelock to retain. This was fine as time filler. *1/2 Ambulance match: John Cena v. Kane They do some brawling to the ambulance before it turns into the usual Cena v. Kane match in the ring, which leads to Kane getting the SMOTHER CLAW OF DEATH to put Cena out. He actually pulls a wheelchair from under the ring and wheels Cena up the aisle, and back to the ambulance they go. Cena actually puts Kane into the wheelchair and rolls him into a table in the most absurd spot thus far, as Kane actually has to hold up his feet to allow it to happen. The long silly brawl continues through the crowd and back to ringside, and Cena arranges the furniture. Sadly, he doesn’t embrace the hate fast enough, and Kane chokeslams him through the Spanish announce table. Kane has to then retrieve a gurney and roll Cena all the way back to the ambulance, but after all that Cena comes back again and escapes. He goes on top of the ambulance and Kane follows like a moron, allowing Cena to hit the FU off the roof and onto a crash pad below. That’s weak sauce. I would have gone with the gimmicked roof and had him put Kane right through for the win. Like you don’t even SEE THE BUMP! Plus Cena doesn’t even drive the ambulance off, someone else does. Cena is so happy that he gives us a CELEBRATORY POINT to the sign. So no Eve or Ryder, just an ending. Sometimes that’s enough, I guess. **1/4 I’d call it a decent show that I didn’t feel ripped off for buying, but man was the filler and lack of depth evident tonight. Thumbs in the middle, total placeholder show that you’re fine not going out of your way to see.

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012 Live from Milwaukee, WI Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Booker TWWE World title: CM Punk v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho Weird that they’re starting with this one. Kofi and Punk are your first entrants, and I bet you don’t even remember when they were tag champions. Obviously Punk has gotten the better of that one since then. Nice opening sequence with a bunch of pinfall reversals, but Punk takes over on the grating outside with some good bumping by Kofi. Dolph Ziggler is the next guy in. He gets a fameasser off the cage in a nice idea for a spot with a camera angle where you could a foot of space between them. Another cool spot sees Kofi and Punk both trying springboards, which leads to a mid-air collision ala Looney Tunes cartoons. I’m kind of shocked that no one has thought of that sequence before. R-Truth is next into the match and Punk quickly cleans house on him and eliminates him with the flying elbow, after a little “fuck you” to Jericho. A PG one, of course. More tremendous bumping from Kingston and Ziggler, as Kofi does a Spider-Man dive off the cage and DDTs Dolph on the steel. Miz is the fifth guy and he destroys everyone as Ziggler keeps bumping like Mr. Perfect on even more drugs. Miz and Punk mistime thestart of their big sequence but then pull it off OK. Jericho saves Miz from the Anaconda Vice and the crowd treats Punk v. Jericho like a bigtime feud. Great bunch of near-falls ends with Jericho hitting the Codebreaker on Ziggler to get rid of him. Then he hides from Punk in his pod like a champion coward. He uses that to sucker Punk in for a beatdown while Miz and Kofi just lay around like corpses. Thankfully they recover so that Jericho and Punk can lay around. Kofi earns his pay with a high cross from the pod and then walks into the Walls of Jericho to end his night. And it was the awesome old school Walls too, not the lame WWE boston crab version. Jericho beats on Kofi all the way out of the cage, but turns around and eats a high kick from Punk to exit, so the referees declare him unable to continue. So the match screeches to a halt, and we’re left with the most anticlimactic final two with Punk and Miz. So Punk finishes Miz off after a perfunctory near-fall by Miz, and retains with the GTS at 32:39. Some cool spots, but way too much inaction between them. I will say that Punk was really booked and treated like a true tippy top guy here. ***1/4 Speaking of tippy top guys, it’s yet another goddamned John Cena video package on PPV. He likes to lift weights and lets the developmental guys use his gym. Because he’s just a regular guy, you know. I should note that Seth “Tyler Black” Rollins and Xavier “Consequences Creed” Woods pop up as talking heads here, which is a pretty inauspicious way to make your WWE debut. Divas title: Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Snuka, Daughter of Jimmy Snuka Despite the announcers saying about 10 times that TAMINA IS THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA before the match even starts, she still gets no reaction. Tamina makes an early attempt at the flying splash and gets dumped as a result. Someone should edit together all the mentions of Tamina being THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA and put it on Youtube. Beth puts Tamina in a dragon sleeper, giving us an unflattering view of her love handles. After another 14 mentions of Tamina’s father, Beth blocks the flying splash with a superplex. And yet Tamina KEEPS TRYING IT because she’s literally got one move she can do. So she hits it on the third attempt and only gets two, then goes up and tries it a FOURTH time, before coming down and walking into the Glam Slam. Way, way, WAY longer than it should have been. Tamina’s got nothing to offer and got completely exposed by going longer than the minute she has been. * Big Johnny comes out for his big announcement, but before he can stumble over his words and deliver it, Alberto Del Rio interrupts. For some reason he really dislikes Teddy Long and thinks Johnny should be GM for both shows. This also brings out Mark Henry and where’s the fucking wrestling? Christian also returns, now with beard, and he’s also on Team Ace. And that’s the segment. I’m paying $55 for this bullshit? And that’s their big idea for the returns of ADR and Christian? World title: Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Santino v. Great Khali v. Cody Rhodes v. Wade Barrett Astonishingly, no one jumps Santino and takes his spot. Hopefully all the comedy segments with him tonight will motivate him to have a good match. It’s Show and Barrett to start and that’s as boring as you’d expect. Maybe moreso. The crowd is even meaner than me, shitting on the match with “boring” chants as they just do a normal Big Show match in what’s supposed to be this brutal cage. Cody Rhodes is next as the announcers talk about what a loser Show is when it comes to Wrestlemania. Boy, that’s a hell of a way to get someone over. So Barrett takes out Show’s leg and now we get the thrill of Big Show selling a leg hold in SATAN’S PRISON. Barrett dominates both guys and Santino is up next. He does his usual sequence of stuff on Barrett and then gets destroyed by Big Show. This thing is just going nowhere. The heels manage a suplex on Show outside. More announcing annoyance as they wonder if he can be rolled back in and pinned, but you don’t HAVE to pin someone in the ring. The crowd starts chanting for “boring” again, the only person in the match getting any heat. Khali is next one in and beats up on everyone, but Show spears and pins him. Why even book Khali in the match? And then the match grinds even more to a halt as Show stares down Bryan while everyone else obliges by doing nothing. Show is so ANGRY that he breaks the chains on top of the pod, when really this takes so long that he could just wait for Bryan to enter the match legally. Show beating up on Bryan FINALLY gets a reaction from the crowd, and D-Bry gets tossed through the pod. Like, everyone else was literally just lying there for FIVE MINUTES while they did that spot. Show kills Bryan and chokeslams him, but Barrett saves. Finally it picks up with Rhodes getting a pair of disasters and a DDT on Show to eliminate him. The crowd really, REALLY hates that one. Santino rolls up Cody to get rid of him. Barrett beats on Santino on the cage and leaves him for dead, then powerbombs Bryan into the cage for an awesome visual. He slams the pod door on Bryan’s head for two, and Santino stupidly keeps fighting. Barrett destroys him again, but walks into a flying knee from Bryan. They head up and Santino saves Bryan, but can’t get his own superplex. Wade misses a flying elbow and Bryan gets a flying headbutt to allow Santino to eliminate Barrett. Well this is a pretty obvious finish coming up. Bryan literally kicks the hell out of him for two, but misses the diving headbutt. Santino unleashes the Cobra, but only gets two, and the Lebell Lock finishes to give Bryan the win. The heat for Santino was off the charts at the end, which is the real miracle considering how crappy the match started. ***1/2 Really, only the last 10 minutes or so were any good, but it was a hell of a finish. Sheamus comes out and lays out Bryan with an Emerald Frozen, but sadly does not point at the Wrestlemania sign. And then FARTING NATALYA makes the PPV, as Hornswoggle triggers a confrontation between Jack Swagger and Justin Gabriel. Over cheese. US title: Jack Swagger v. Justin Gabriel Hey, finally Swagger defends the title, only a month after winning it. Swagger dominates and gets a powerbomb and pump splash, but Gabriel comes back with some high flying stuff. Swagger clips him and finishes clean with the anklelock to retain. This was fine as time filler. *1/2 Ambulance match: John Cena v. Kane They do some brawling to the ambulance before it turns into the usual Cena v. Kane match in the ring, which leads to Kane getting the SMOTHER CLAW OF DEATH to put Cena out. He actually pulls a wheelchair from under the ring and wheels Cena up the aisle, and back to the ambulance they go. Cena actually puts Kane into the wheelchair and rolls him into a table in the most absurd spot thus far, as Kane actually has to hold up his feet to allow it to happen. The long silly brawl continues through the crowd and back to ringside, and Cena arranges the furniture. Sadly, he doesn’t embrace the hate fast enough, and Kane chokeslams him through the Spanish announce table. Kane has to then retrieve a gurney and roll Cena all the way back to the ambulance, but after all that Cena comes back again and escapes. He goes on top of the ambulance and Kane follows like a moron, allowing Cena to hit the FU off the roof and onto a crash pad below. That’s weak sauce. I would have gone with the gimmicked roof and had him put Kane right through for the win. Like you don’t even SEE THE BUMP! Plus Cena doesn’t even drive the ambulance off, someone else does. Cena is so happy that he gives us a CELEBRATORY POINT to the sign. So no Eve or Ryder, just an ending. Sometimes that’s enough, I guess. **1/4 I’d call it a decent show that I didn’t feel ripped off for buying, but man was the filler and lack of depth evident tonight. Thumbs in the middle, total placeholder show that you’re fine not going out of your way to see.

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012 Live from Milwaukee, WI Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Booker TWWE World title: CM Punk v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho Weird that they’re starting with this one. Kofi and Punk are your first entrants, and I bet you don’t even remember when they were tag champions. Obviously Punk has gotten the better of that one since then. Nice opening sequence with a bunch of pinfall reversals, but Punk takes over on the grating outside with some good bumping by Kofi. Dolph Ziggler is the next guy in. He gets a fameasser off the cage in a nice idea for a spot with a camera angle where you could a foot of space between them. Another cool spot sees Kofi and Punk both trying springboards, which leads to a mid-air collision ala Looney Tunes cartoons. I’m kind of shocked that no one has thought of that sequence before. R-Truth is next into the match and Punk quickly cleans house on him and eliminates him with the flying elbow, after a little “fuck you” to Jericho. A PG one, of course. More tremendous bumping from Kingston and Ziggler, as Kofi does a Spider-Man dive off the cage and DDTs Dolph on the steel. Miz is the fifth guy and he destroys everyone as Ziggler keeps bumping like Mr. Perfect on even more drugs. Miz and Punk mistime thestart of their big sequence but then pull it off OK. Jericho saves Miz from the Anaconda Vice and the crowd treats Punk v. Jericho like a bigtime feud. Great bunch of near-falls ends with Jericho hitting the Codebreaker on Ziggler to get rid of him. Then he hides from Punk in his pod like a champion coward. He uses that to sucker Punk in for a beatdown while Miz and Kofi just lay around like corpses. Thankfully they recover so that Jericho and Punk can lay around. Kofi earns his pay with a high cross from the pod and then walks into the Walls of Jericho to end his night. And it was the awesome old school Walls too, not the lame WWE boston crab version. Jericho beats on Kofi all the way out of the cage, but turns around and eats a high kick from Punk to exit, so the referees declare him unable to continue. So the match screeches to a halt, and we’re left with the most anticlimactic final two with Punk and Miz. So Punk finishes Miz off after a perfunctory near-fall by Miz, and retains with the GTS at 32:39. Some cool spots, but way too much inaction between them. I will say that Punk was really booked and treated like a true tippy top guy here. ***1/4 Speaking of tippy top guys, it’s yet another goddamned John Cena video package on PPV. He likes to lift weights and lets the developmental guys use his gym. Because he’s just a regular guy, you know. I should note that Seth “Tyler Black” Rollins and Xavier “Consequences Creed” Woods pop up as talking heads here, which is a pretty inauspicious way to make your WWE debut. Divas title: Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Snuka, Daughter of Jimmy Snuka Despite the announcers saying about 10 times that TAMINA IS THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA before the match even starts, she still gets no reaction. Tamina makes an early attempt at the flying splash and gets dumped as a result. Someone should edit together all the mentions of Tamina being THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA and put it on Youtube. Beth puts Tamina in a dragon sleeper, giving us an unflattering view of her love handles. After another 14 mentions of Tamina’s father, Beth blocks the flying splash with a superplex. And yet Tamina KEEPS TRYING IT because she’s literally got one move she can do. So she hits it on the third attempt and only gets two, then goes up and tries it a FOURTH time, before coming down and walking into the Glam Slam. Way, way, WAY longer than it should have been. Tamina’s got nothing to offer and got completely exposed by going longer than the minute she has been. * Big Johnny comes out for his big announcement, but before he can stumble over his words and deliver it, Alberto Del Rio interrupts. For some reason he really dislikes Teddy Long and thinks Johnny should be GM for both shows. This also brings out Mark Henry and where’s the fucking wrestling? Christian also returns, now with beard, and he’s also on Team Ace. And that’s the segment. I’m paying $55 for this bullshit? And that’s their big idea for the returns of ADR and Christian? World title: Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Santino v. Great Khali v. Cody Rhodes v. Wade Barrett Astonishingly, no one jumps Santino and takes his spot. Hopefully all the comedy segments with him tonight will motivate him to have a good match. It’s Show and Barrett to start and that’s as boring as you’d expect. Maybe moreso. The crowd is even meaner than me, shitting on the match with “boring” chants as they just do a normal Big Show match in what’s supposed to be this brutal cage. Cody Rhodes is next as the announcers talk about what a loser Show is when it comes to Wrestlemania. Boy, that’s a hell of a way to get someone over. So Barrett takes out Show’s leg and now we get the thrill of Big Show selling a leg hold in SATAN’S PRISON. Barrett dominates both guys and Santino is up next. He does his usual sequence of stuff on Barrett and then gets destroyed by Big Show. This thing is just going nowhere. The heels manage a suplex on Show outside. More announcing annoyance as they wonder if he can be rolled back in and pinned, but you don’t HAVE to pin someone in the ring. The crowd starts chanting for “boring” again, the only person in the match getting any heat. Khali is next one in and beats up on everyone, but Show spears and pins him. Why even book Khali in the match? And then the match grinds even more to a halt as Show stares down Bryan while everyone else obliges by doing nothing. Show is so ANGRY that he breaks the chains on top of the pod, when really this takes so long that he could just wait for Bryan to enter the match legally. Show beating up on Bryan FINALLY gets a reaction from the crowd, and D-Bry gets tossed through the pod. Like, everyone else was literally just lying there for FIVE MINUTES while they did that spot. Show kills Bryan and chokeslams him, but Barrett saves. Finally it picks up with Rhodes getting a pair of disasters and a DDT on Show to eliminate him. The crowd really, REALLY hates that one. Santino rolls up Cody to get rid of him. Barrett beats on Santino on the cage and leaves him for dead, then powerbombs Bryan into the cage for an awesome visual. He slams the pod door on Bryan’s head for two, and Santino stupidly keeps fighting. Barrett destroys him again, but walks into a flying knee from Bryan. They head up and Santino saves Bryan, but can’t get his own superplex. Wade misses a flying elbow and Bryan gets a flying headbutt to allow Santino to eliminate Barrett. Well this is a pretty obvious finish coming up. Bryan literally kicks the hell out of him for two, but misses the diving headbutt. Santino unleashes the Cobra, but only gets two, and the Lebell Lock finishes to give Bryan the win. The heat for Santino was off the charts at the end, which is the real miracle considering how crappy the match started. ***1/2 Really, only the last 10 minutes or so were any good, but it was a hell of a finish. Sheamus comes out and lays out Bryan with an Emerald Frozen, but sadly does not point at the Wrestlemania sign. And then FARTING NATALYA makes the PPV, as Hornswoggle triggers a confrontation between Jack Swagger and Justin Gabriel. Over cheese. US title: Jack Swagger v. Justin Gabriel Hey, finally Swagger defends the title, only a month after winning it. Swagger dominates and gets a powerbomb and pump splash, but Gabriel comes back with some high flying stuff. Swagger clips him and finishes clean with the anklelock to retain. This was fine as time filler. *1/2 Ambulance match: John Cena v. Kane They do some brawling to the ambulance before it turns into the usual Cena v. Kane match in the ring, which leads to Kane getting the SMOTHER CLAW OF DEATH to put Cena out. He actually pulls a wheelchair from under the ring and wheels Cena up the aisle, and back to the ambulance they go. Cena actually puts Kane into the wheelchair and rolls him into a table in the most absurd spot thus far, as Kane actually has to hold up his feet to allow it to happen. The long silly brawl continues through the crowd and back to ringside, and Cena arranges the furniture. Sadly, he doesn’t embrace the hate fast enough, and Kane chokeslams him through the Spanish announce table. Kane has to then retrieve a gurney and roll Cena all the way back to the ambulance, but after all that Cena comes back again and escapes. He goes on top of the ambulance and Kane follows like a moron, allowing Cena to hit the FU off the roof and onto a crash pad below. That’s weak sauce. I would have gone with the gimmicked roof and had him put Kane right through for the win. Like you don’t even SEE THE BUMP! Plus Cena doesn’t even drive the ambulance off, someone else does. Cena is so happy that he gives us a CELEBRATORY POINT to the sign. So no Eve or Ryder, just an ending. Sometimes that’s enough, I guess. **1/4 I’d call it a decent show that I didn’t feel ripped off for buying, but man was the filler and lack of depth evident tonight. Thumbs in the middle, total placeholder show that you’re fine not going out of your way to see.

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012 Live from Milwaukee, WI Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Booker TWWE World title: CM Punk v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho Weird that they’re starting with this one. Kofi and Punk are your first entrants, and I bet you don’t even remember when they were tag champions. Obviously Punk has gotten the better of that one since then. Nice opening sequence with a bunch of pinfall reversals, but Punk takes over on the grating outside with some good bumping by Kofi. Dolph Ziggler is the next guy in. He gets a fameasser off the cage in a nice idea for a spot with a camera angle where you could a foot of space between them. Another cool spot sees Kofi and Punk both trying springboards, which leads to a mid-air collision ala Looney Tunes cartoons. I’m kind of shocked that no one has thought of that sequence before. R-Truth is next into the match and Punk quickly cleans house on him and eliminates him with the flying elbow, after a little “fuck you” to Jericho. A PG one, of course. More tremendous bumping from Kingston and Ziggler, as Kofi does a Spider-Man dive off the cage and DDTs Dolph on the steel. Miz is the fifth guy and he destroys everyone as Ziggler keeps bumping like Mr. Perfect on even more drugs. Miz and Punk mistime thestart of their big sequence but then pull it off OK. Jericho saves Miz from the Anaconda Vice and the crowd treats Punk v. Jericho like a bigtime feud. Great bunch of near-falls ends with Jericho hitting the Codebreaker on Ziggler to get rid of him. Then he hides from Punk in his pod like a champion coward. He uses that to sucker Punk in for a beatdown while Miz and Kofi just lay around like corpses. Thankfully they recover so that Jericho and Punk can lay around. Kofi earns his pay with a high cross from the pod and then walks into the Walls of Jericho to end his night. And it was the awesome old school Walls too, not the lame WWE boston crab version. Jericho beats on Kofi all the way out of the cage, but turns around and eats a high kick from Punk to exit, so the referees declare him unable to continue. So the match screeches to a halt, and we’re left with the most anticlimactic final two with Punk and Miz. So Punk finishes Miz off after a perfunctory near-fall by Miz, and retains with the GTS at 32:39. Some cool spots, but way too much inaction between them. I will say that Punk was really booked and treated like a true tippy top guy here. ***1/4 Speaking of tippy top guys, it’s yet another goddamned John Cena video package on PPV. He likes to lift weights and lets the developmental guys use his gym. Because he’s just a regular guy, you know. I should note that Seth “Tyler Black” Rollins and Xavier “Consequences Creed” Woods pop up as talking heads here, which is a pretty inauspicious way to make your WWE debut. Divas title: Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Snuka, Daughter of Jimmy Snuka Despite the announcers saying about 10 times that TAMINA IS THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA before the match even starts, she still gets no reaction. Tamina makes an early attempt at the flying splash and gets dumped as a result. Someone should edit together all the mentions of Tamina being THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA and put it on Youtube. Beth puts Tamina in a dragon sleeper, giving us an unflattering view of her love handles. After another 14 mentions of Tamina’s father, Beth blocks the flying splash with a superplex. And yet Tamina KEEPS TRYING IT because she’s literally got one move she can do. So she hits it on the third attempt and only gets two, then goes up and tries it a FOURTH time, before coming down and walking into the Glam Slam. Way, way, WAY longer than it should have been. Tamina’s got nothing to offer and got completely exposed by going longer than the minute she has been. * Big Johnny comes out for his big announcement, but before he can stumble over his words and deliver it, Alberto Del Rio interrupts. For some reason he really dislikes Teddy Long and thinks Johnny should be GM for both shows. This also brings out Mark Henry and where’s the fucking wrestling? Christian also returns, now with beard, and he’s also on Team Ace. And that’s the segment. I’m paying $55 for this bullshit? And that’s their big idea for the returns of ADR and Christian? World title: Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Santino v. Great Khali v. Cody Rhodes v. Wade Barrett Astonishingly, no one jumps Santino and takes his spot. Hopefully all the comedy segments with him tonight will motivate him to have a good match. It’s Show and Barrett to start and that’s as boring as you’d expect. Maybe moreso. The crowd is even meaner than me, shitting on the match with “boring” chants as they just do a normal Big Show match in what’s supposed to be this brutal cage. Cody Rhodes is next as the announcers talk about what a loser Show is when it comes to Wrestlemania. Boy, that’s a hell of a way to get someone over. So Barrett takes out Show’s leg and now we get the thrill of Big Show selling a leg hold in SATAN’S PRISON. Barrett dominates both guys and Santino is up next. He does his usual sequence of stuff on Barrett and then gets destroyed by Big Show. This thing is just going nowhere. The heels manage a suplex on Show outside. More announcing annoyance as they wonder if he can be rolled back in and pinned, but you don’t HAVE to pin someone in the ring. The crowd starts chanting for “boring” again, the only person in the match getting any heat. Khali is next one in and beats up on everyone, but Show spears and pins him. Why even book Khali in the match? And then the match grinds even more to a halt as Show stares down Bryan while everyone else obliges by doing nothing. Show is so ANGRY that he breaks the chains on top of the pod, when really this takes so long that he could just wait for Bryan to enter the match legally. Show beating up on Bryan FINALLY gets a reaction from the crowd, and D-Bry gets tossed through the pod. Like, everyone else was literally just lying there for FIVE MINUTES while they did that spot. Show kills Bryan and chokeslams him, but Barrett saves. Finally it picks up with Rhodes getting a pair of disasters and a DDT on Show to eliminate him. The crowd really, REALLY hates that one. Santino rolls up Cody to get rid of him. Barrett beats on Santino on the cage and leaves him for dead, then powerbombs Bryan into the cage for an awesome visual. He slams the pod door on Bryan’s head for two, and Santino stupidly keeps fighting. Barrett destroys him again, but walks into a flying knee from Bryan. They head up and Santino saves Bryan, but can’t get his own superplex. Wade misses a flying elbow and Bryan gets a flying headbutt to allow Santino to eliminate Barrett. Well this is a pretty obvious finish coming up. Bryan literally kicks the hell out of him for two, but misses the diving headbutt. Santino unleashes the Cobra, but only gets two, and the Lebell Lock finishes to give Bryan the win. The heat for Santino was off the charts at the end, which is the real miracle considering how crappy the match started. ***1/2 Really, only the last 10 minutes or so were any good, but it was a hell of a finish. Sheamus comes out and lays out Bryan with an Emerald Frozen, but sadly does not point at the Wrestlemania sign. And then FARTING NATALYA makes the PPV, as Hornswoggle triggers a confrontation between Jack Swagger and Justin Gabriel. Over cheese. US title: Jack Swagger v. Justin Gabriel Hey, finally Swagger defends the title, only a month after winning it. Swagger dominates and gets a powerbomb and pump splash, but Gabriel comes back with some high flying stuff. Swagger clips him and finishes clean with the anklelock to retain. This was fine as time filler. *1/2 Ambulance match: John Cena v. Kane They do some brawling to the ambulance before it turns into the usual Cena v. Kane match in the ring, which leads to Kane getting the SMOTHER CLAW OF DEATH to put Cena out. He actually pulls a wheelchair from under the ring and wheels Cena up the aisle, and back to the ambulance they go. Cena actually puts Kane into the wheelchair and rolls him into a table in the most absurd spot thus far, as Kane actually has to hold up his feet to allow it to happen. The long silly brawl continues through the crowd and back to ringside, and Cena arranges the furniture. Sadly, he doesn’t embrace the hate fast enough, and Kane chokeslams him through the Spanish announce table. Kane has to then retrieve a gurney and roll Cena all the way back to the ambulance, but after all that Cena comes back again and escapes. He goes on top of the ambulance and Kane follows like a moron, allowing Cena to hit the FU off the roof and onto a crash pad below. That’s weak sauce. I would have gone with the gimmicked roof and had him put Kane right through for the win. Like you don’t even SEE THE BUMP! Plus Cena doesn’t even drive the ambulance off, someone else does. Cena is so happy that he gives us a CELEBRATORY POINT to the sign. So no Eve or Ryder, just an ending. Sometimes that’s enough, I guess. **1/4 I’d call it a decent show that I didn’t feel ripped off for buying, but man was the filler and lack of depth evident tonight. Thumbs in the middle, total placeholder show that you’re fine not going out of your way to see.

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

The SmarK Rant for WWE Elimination Chamber 2012 Live from Milwaukee, WI Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Booker TWWE World title: CM Punk v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler v. Chris Jericho Weird that they’re starting with this one. Kofi and Punk are your first entrants, and I bet you don’t even remember when they were tag champions. Obviously Punk has gotten the better of that one since then. Nice opening sequence with a bunch of pinfall reversals, but Punk takes over on the grating outside with some good bumping by Kofi. Dolph Ziggler is the next guy in. He gets a fameasser off the cage in a nice idea for a spot with a camera angle where you could a foot of space between them. Another cool spot sees Kofi and Punk both trying springboards, which leads to a mid-air collision ala Looney Tunes cartoons. I’m kind of shocked that no one has thought of that sequence before. R-Truth is next into the match and Punk quickly cleans house on him and eliminates him with the flying elbow, after a little “fuck you” to Jericho. A PG one, of course. More tremendous bumping from Kingston and Ziggler, as Kofi does a Spider-Man dive off the cage and DDTs Dolph on the steel. Miz is the fifth guy and he destroys everyone as Ziggler keeps bumping like Mr. Perfect on even more drugs. Miz and Punk mistime thestart of their big sequence but then pull it off OK. Jericho saves Miz from the Anaconda Vice and the crowd treats Punk v. Jericho like a bigtime feud. Great bunch of near-falls ends with Jericho hitting the Codebreaker on Ziggler to get rid of him. Then he hides from Punk in his pod like a champion coward. He uses that to sucker Punk in for a beatdown while Miz and Kofi just lay around like corpses. Thankfully they recover so that Jericho and Punk can lay around. Kofi earns his pay with a high cross from the pod and then walks into the Walls of Jericho to end his night. And it was the awesome old school Walls too, not the lame WWE boston crab version. Jericho beats on Kofi all the way out of the cage, but turns around and eats a high kick from Punk to exit, so the referees declare him unable to continue. So the match screeches to a halt, and we’re left with the most anticlimactic final two with Punk and Miz. So Punk finishes Miz off after a perfunctory near-fall by Miz, and retains with the GTS at 32:39. Some cool spots, but way too much inaction between them. I will say that Punk was really booked and treated like a true tippy top guy here. ***1/4 Speaking of tippy top guys, it’s yet another goddamned John Cena video package on PPV. He likes to lift weights and lets the developmental guys use his gym. Because he’s just a regular guy, you know. I should note that Seth “Tyler Black” Rollins and Xavier “Consequences Creed” Woods pop up as talking heads here, which is a pretty inauspicious way to make your WWE debut. Divas title: Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Snuka, Daughter of Jimmy Snuka Despite the announcers saying about 10 times that TAMINA IS THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA before the match even starts, she still gets no reaction. Tamina makes an early attempt at the flying splash and gets dumped as a result. Someone should edit together all the mentions of Tamina being THE DAUGHTER OF JIMMY SNUKA and put it on Youtube. Beth puts Tamina in a dragon sleeper, giving us an unflattering view of her love handles. After another 14 mentions of Tamina’s father, Beth blocks the flying splash with a superplex. And yet Tamina KEEPS TRYING IT because she’s literally got one move she can do. So she hits it on the third attempt and only gets two, then goes up and tries it a FOURTH time, before coming down and walking into the Glam Slam. Way, way, WAY longer than it should have been. Tamina’s got nothing to offer and got completely exposed by going longer than the minute she has been. * Big Johnny comes out for his big announcement, but before he can stumble over his words and deliver it, Alberto Del Rio interrupts. For some reason he really dislikes Teddy Long and thinks Johnny should be GM for both shows. This also brings out Mark Henry and where’s the fucking wrestling? Christian also returns, now with beard, and he’s also on Team Ace. And that’s the segment. I’m paying $55 for this bullshit? And that’s their big idea for the returns of ADR and Christian? World title: Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Santino v. Great Khali v. Cody Rhodes v. Wade Barrett Astonishingly, no one jumps Santino and takes his spot. Hopefully all the comedy segments with him tonight will motivate him to have a good match. It’s Show and Barrett to start and that’s as boring as you’d expect. Maybe moreso. The crowd is even meaner than me, shitting on the match with “boring” chants as they just do a normal Big Show match in what’s supposed to be this brutal cage. Cody Rhodes is next as the announcers talk about what a loser Show is when it comes to Wrestlemania. Boy, that’s a hell of a way to get someone over. So Barrett takes out Show’s leg and now we get the thrill of Big Show selling a leg hold in SATAN’S PRISON. Barrett dominates both guys and Santino is up next. He does his usual sequence of stuff on Barrett and then gets destroyed by Big Show. This thing is just going nowhere. The heels manage a suplex on Show outside. More announcing annoyance as they wonder if he can be rolled back in and pinned, but you don’t HAVE to pin someone in the ring. The crowd starts chanting for “boring” again, the only person in the match getting any heat. Khali is next one in and beats up on everyone, but Show spears and pins him. Why even book Khali in the match? And then the match grinds even more to a halt as Show stares down Bryan while everyone else obliges by doing nothing. Show is so ANGRY that he breaks the chains on top of the pod, when really this takes so long that he could just wait for Bryan to enter the match legally. Show beating up on Bryan FINALLY gets a reaction from the crowd, and D-Bry gets tossed through the pod. Like, everyone else was literally just lying there for FIVE MINUTES while they did that spot. Show kills Bryan and chokeslams him, but Barrett saves. Finally it picks up with Rhodes getting a pair of disasters and a DDT on Show to eliminate him. The crowd really, REALLY hates that one. Santino rolls up Cody to get rid of him. Barrett beats on Santino on the cage and leaves him for dead, then powerbombs Bryan into the cage for an awesome visual. He slams the pod door on Bryan’s head for two, and Santino stupidly keeps fighting. Barrett destroys him again, but walks into a flying knee from Bryan. They head up and Santino saves Bryan, but can’t get his own superplex. Wade misses a flying elbow and Bryan gets a flying headbutt to allow Santino to eliminate Barrett. Well this is a pretty obvious finish coming up. Bryan literally kicks the hell out of him for two, but misses the diving headbutt. Santino unleashes the Cobra, but only gets two, and the Lebell Lock finishes to give Bryan the win. The heat for Santino was off the charts at the end, which is the real miracle considering how crappy the match started. ***1/2 Really, only the last 10 minutes or so were any good, but it was a hell of a finish. Sheamus comes out and lays out Bryan with an Emerald Frozen, but sadly does not point at the Wrestlemania sign. And then FARTING NATALYA makes the PPV, as Hornswoggle triggers a confrontation between Jack Swagger and Justin Gabriel. Over cheese. US title: Jack Swagger v. Justin Gabriel Hey, finally Swagger defends the title, only a month after winning it. Swagger dominates and gets a powerbomb and pump splash, but Gabriel comes back with some high flying stuff. Swagger clips him and finishes clean with the anklelock to retain. This was fine as time filler. *1/2 Ambulance match: John Cena v. Kane They do some brawling to the ambulance before it turns into the usual Cena v. Kane match in the ring, which leads to Kane getting the SMOTHER CLAW OF DEATH to put Cena out. He actually pulls a wheelchair from under the ring and wheels Cena up the aisle, and back to the ambulance they go. Cena actually puts Kane into the wheelchair and rolls him into a table in the most absurd spot thus far, as Kane actually has to hold up his feet to allow it to happen. The long silly brawl continues through the crowd and back to ringside, and Cena arranges the furniture. Sadly, he doesn’t embrace the hate fast enough, and Kane chokeslams him through the Spanish announce table. Kane has to then retrieve a gurney and roll Cena all the way back to the ambulance, but after all that Cena comes back again and escapes. He goes on top of the ambulance and Kane follows like a moron, allowing Cena to hit the FU off the roof and onto a crash pad below. That’s weak sauce. I would have gone with the gimmicked roof and had him put Kane right through for the win. Like you don’t even SEE THE BUMP! Plus Cena doesn’t even drive the ambulance off, someone else does. Cena is so happy that he gives us a CELEBRATORY POINT to the sign. So no Eve or Ryder, just an ending. Sometimes that’s enough, I guess. **1/4 I’d call it a decent show that I didn’t feel ripped off for buying, but man was the filler and lack of depth evident tonight. Thumbs in the middle, total placeholder show that you’re fine not going out of your way to see.

WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

February 19, 2012

The Bradley Center – Milwaukee, Wisconsin

–  Our opening video consists as a historical look back at past Chambers.  AAAAAND now WWE presents…the Elimination Chamber!  Pyro kicks us off with all white ropes tonight.

–  Your hosts tonight are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Booker T.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

ELIMINATION CHAMBER

1.  Chris Jericho vs.  The Miz vs.  Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) vs.  R-Truth vs.  Kofi Kingston vs.  CM Punk

–  Odd that this is opening tonight’s show.  I’ll be pissed if Cena ends it here tonight.  Punk will begin with Kofi.  Kofi with a headlock and Punk shoots him off.  Kofi leaps over the top rope and about fudges it in the process.  Kofi hits the ropes and sunset flips for 1.  Reversals of near falls for both men.  Punk battles a backslide, Kofi counters and Punk lifts for a GTS.  Kofi wiggles out and dropkicks Punk down for 1.  Punk tries a suplex to the outside, Kofi floats over and backdrops Punk on the steel grate.  Punk counters a kick and catapults Kofi into the BULLETPROOF plexiglass.  Back inside, Punk kicks Kofi down in the corner.  Punk slams him down for 2.  #3 into the ring is….Dolph Ziggler.  Dolph attacks Punk and rakes the eyes.  He uses the Chamber to do pull ups and drops a leg on Punk.  Cover inside gets 2.  Dolph charges the corner and Punk moves.  Kofi clotheslines him down.  Kofi and Punk both springboard towards Dolph and KNOCK EACH OTHER OUT IN MID AIR!  Punk covers Kofi for 2.  #4 into the match will be…R-Truth.  He attacks Dolph and uppercuts him.  Dolph charges and gets hiptossed up and over to the floor.  Dolph rolled in and covered for 2.8!  Punk charges Truth in the corner and gets caught.  Truth gets crotched and Punk nails him in the face with a knee.  Superplex on Truth gets 2.5.  Kofi gets tossed up and over.  Punk with a Randy Savage elbow on Truth and Truth is eliminated @ 11:47.  Kofi back in and tosses Dolph on his back, for the third time, to the floor.  Kofi springboards to the Chamber wall and hits a TORNADO DDT ON DOLPH ON THE STEEL!  #5 in is…The Miz.  Miz attacks Punk and throws his shoulder into the ringpost.  He drives his knee into the face of Kofi against the chain wall.  Miz drives Kofi into the ringpost and pushes him over the post.  Back inside, Miz covers Kofi for 2.  Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale on Punk and Punk rolls him up for 2.  Anaconda Vice is locked in on the Miz!  Here comes Jericho!  Jericho clotheslines him down for 1.  Jericho goes for the Walls of Jericho and Punk wiggles out.  Jericho with the facebuster.  LIONSAULT!  Cover gets 2.5.  Dolph rolls up Jericho and he hits a CODEBREAKER to eliminate Dolph @ 19:07.  Punk catapults Jericho up and over to the steel.  Jericho goes in his Chamber pod and locks himself in.  Punk runs in and attacks him.  Jericho catches Punk in the doorway and slams the door on Punk!  Miz and Kofi back in the ring.  Miz kicks Kofi low and beats him down in the corner.  Miz misses a corner charge and Kofi kicks him in the face.  Kofi heads up top.  Miz meets him there.  Punk powerbombs him off the top for 2.5.  Kofi is on top of the chamber pod.  High cross body on both men.  He covers Miz for 2.5.  Here comes Jericho with the Walls of Jericho.  Kofi taps out @ 25:27.  Jericho attacks Kofi as he crawls to the door.  He throws him out the Chamber.  Punk throws Jericho out and takes out the camera man.  Jericho is knocked out and the referees are checking on him.  Medical staff are out now and Jericho is not moving.  Back inside the Chamber.  We are down to Punk and Miz.  Miz tries the neckbreaker and Punk kicks him in the head.  Cover gets 2.5.  Punk nails the running knee into the bulldog for 2.5.  Punk on the apron.  He springboards into the Skull Crushing Finale!  Cover gets 2.8!  Miz drives Punk back to the corner.  He beats on Punk from the second rope.  He punks Punk in the face and knees him down.  Miz charges the corner and hits the plexiglass.  GTS connects and CM Punk wins it @ 32:34.  (You can thank Dolph and Kofi for making this match good.  Punk had to carry it during the low spots, but really had 6 great athletes in there.  Miz even stepped it up slightly.  B.)

–  We see highlights of NXT’s finest being eliminated in the Smackdown battle royal.  We see Santino Marella dressed up like Rocky Balboa and is about to have an egg shake, to the tune of Eugene’s music.  He tastes one egg and about pukes.

–  Now more John Cena videos to hog up the PPV.

WWE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP

2.  Beth Phoenix vs.  Tamina Snuka

–  Beth pays homage to Roddy Piper with flannel on her outfit tonight.  No pop for Tamina.  Beth misses a clothesline and runs into a double chop.  Cover gets 2.  Beth up and tries to headbutt Tamina.  No sell and down goes Beth.  Tamina heads up top and Beth kicks her to the floor.  Tamina back inside and Beth chinlocks her.  Tamina tries to elbow out and Beth slams her down on her head.  Dragon Sleeper by Beth.  Samoan Drop by Tamina breaks the hold.  Tamina heads up to the top.  Beth meets her there and superplexes her down.  Tamina up and splashes Beth in the corner.  She shops Beth down again.  Tamina heads up top.  Superfly Splash only gets 2.5!!!  Glam Slam by Beth finishes it off @ 7:18.  (These two didn’t really look great together in the ring.  But they looked better than any other Divas match in the last couple of weeks.  C.)

–  Santino boxes hanging meat in the cooler.  Elsewhere, Jericho is still being tended to by doctors in the back.

–  Headed to the ring is John Laurinaitis with David Otunga.  He says there is scrutiny among Smackdown for the job Teddy Long is doing.  Out comes ALBERTO DEL RIO!  He says Teddy Long is a piece of trash and shouldn’t be in wrestling.  He has an idea for Laurinaitis.  He thinks he should be the permanent GM for Raw AND Smackdown.  Out comes Mark Henry.  He says Long is a bully and physically assaulted him.  He says they never have seen eye to eye.  He agrees with Alberto.  OUT COMES CHRISTIAN!  He says he should have been in the Elimination Chamber match if it wasn’t for TL.  Christian supports Laurinaitis for GM too.  They take a photo together.

–  Backstage, Santino jogs in slow motion.  Elsewhere, Josh Matthews is standing by with the Big Show.  He sells everyone on him.  He shouldn’t have to.  WWE thinks he should, though.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

ELIMINATION CHAMBER MATCH

3.  The Great Khali vs.  Cody Rhodes vs.  Santino Marella vs.  Daniel Bryan vs.  Wade Barrett vs.  The Big Show

–  Show and Barrett to start this one as Show chops Barrett in the corner.  Barrett hits the ropes and takes out Show’s knee.  He covers for 1.  On the outside, Barrett rams Show’s head into the chamber wall.  Back inside, Barrett works over Show against the ropes.  He stomps the ankle.  Show is back up and suplexes Barrett.  Cover gets 2.  Show walks over the chest over Barrett.  #3 coming in is…Cody Rhodes.  Cody takes his time and gets caught with a Big Show chop.  Show stares down DB and Cody attacks.  Show tosses Cody over the top to the steel.  Show launches Cody over his head into the chamber wall.  He goozles Barrett, but he side steps a Chokeslam and takes the knee out.  Cody and Barrett with a Hi-Low on Show.  Barrett turns on Cody on the outside and throws him into the Chamber wall.  #4 in is Santino Marella.  He throws some Road Dogg rights and hiptosses Barrett down.  He shakes the ropes like the Ultimate Warrior.  Show grabs him and throws him by his head.  Cody takes out Show’s leg.  Show chops Cody down and tosses him and Barrett to the outside.  Show comes outside and Cody and Barrett with a suplex!  Cody turns on Barrett and sends him down.  Moonsault by Cody nails Barrett for 2!  He grabs Santino.  He rams his arm into the wall.  #5 is…The Great Khali.  He lays waste to everyone in the ring.  Punjabi Plunge for Barrett and Cody.  Show SPEARS Khali and Khali is eliminated @ 16:30.  Show gets up and stares down Bryan.  He climbs up and reaches through the top and swipes at Bryan.  Show rips the chains off the roof and breaks through the top.  He pounds on Bryan.  He headbutts Bryan over and over and chokes him with his boot.  Bryan is officially in the match.  Bryan escapes and Show catches him.  He THROWS BRYAN THROUGH THE POD WALL!  Back in the ring and he clotheslines Bryan down.  Show chokeslams Bryan and Barrett boots him in the face.   Barrett Barrage on Show.  Santino rolls up Barrett for 2.5.  Beautiful Disaster on Show on the outside!  Another one!  Show back in the ring.  Low DDT on Show.  Barrett off the second rope with an elbow.  Show is eliminated @ 22:36.  Santino with a roll up on Cody and pins him @ 23:06.  Cody with a Cross Rhodes on Santino!  Barrett covers and Santino KICKS OUT!  Barrett throws him over the top to the outside.  He puts Santino’s arms outside the chamber and knees him in the ribs.  Santino lays crucified against the wall.  Barrett is in the ring with Bryan.  Bryan botches the walk up the ropes.  Crucifix on Barrett gets 2.  LeBell Lock on Barrett.  He fights out and Bryan kicks him back.  Bryan kicks Barrett to the chest and heads up top.  Bryan is crotched on the top rope.  Barrett clotheslines Bryan down.  Bryan is on the outside.  Barrett lifts for a powerbomb and THROW BRYAN INTO THE WALL!  He closes the pod door on Bryan’s head and slams it!  Cover back inside gets 2.  Santino is back in the ring and Barrett lifts for Wasteland.  Santino grabs the ropes.  Big boot sends Santino back outside.  Bryan knees Barrett off the top rope and drops Barrett.  He rams Barrett into the pod wall and heads up top.  Barrett crotches him.  Barrett smashes Bryan’s head through the pod wall.  Barrett grabs Bryan for a Wasteland and Santino knocks him off.  Santino grabs Barrett and they battle for a superplex.  Barrett shoves him down.  Barrett misses a top rope elbow.  Bryan off the top with a headbutt.  Santino covers and eliminates Barrett @ 30:37.  Down to Bryan and Santino.  Bryan snapmares him over and kicks Santino in the back.  Bryan covers for 2.5.  Bryan misses a charge and Santino rolls him up for 2.5.  Bryan heads up top.  Headbutt misses!  Cobra time?  COBRA STRIKE!  Cover gets 2.9!!!!!!!!  Right into the LeBell Lock!  Santino fights and Bryan cinches in and Santino taps out @ 34:03.  (For what we just witnessed, I am in awe.  A LOT better than I thought would have come out of this match.  You knew Santino wasn’t going over, but they made him look like a million bucks.  Cody and Barrett really shined in this match.  Dare I say better than the Raw match?  Yes I do!  B+.)

–  Out comes Sheamus and he walks into the Chamber.  He drops Bryan on his head and poses over him.  Cole questions if Sheamus has chosen DB as his opponent.  Yes, you dumb shit!

–  Backstage, Hornswoggle eats cheese.  Natalya farts.  Swagger and Vickie walk in.  Justin Gabriel is standing next to Hornswoggle.  Teddy Long walks up to him.  What is final result, you got it:  US title defense.  Teddy tells Swagger that HE should be running both shows.

–  Rock DVD out Tuesday.

WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP

4.  Jack Swagger (with Vickie Guerrero) vs.  Justin Gabriel (with Hornswoggle)

–  Gabriel kicks Swagger and tries a huricarana.  Swagger powerbombs him and hits a Swagger Bomb.  He does push ups on the back of Gabriel.  Gabriel ducks a clothesline and hits a forearm.  Forearm off the top rope gets 2.  Swagger rolls to the outside and Gabriel jumps over the top on him.  Back inside, Swagger takes out the knee.  Ankle Lock and Gabriel taps out @ 3:03.  (Really no reason for this match.  I guess they needed to buy some time?  D.)

–  Rock….Cena…WRESTLEMANIA!  Lawler announces that Undertaker will be calling out Triple H on Raw tomorrow.  We prepare for the main event.  If you can call it that.

MAIN EVENT?

AMBULANCE MATCH

5.  Kane vs.  John Cena

–  Brawl begins and they go to the floor.  Cena slams Kane into the guardrail.  Kane boots Cena down in the aisle.  Kane opens the ambulance door and nails Cena with the stretcher.  Cena grabs a board and nails Kane.  Kane is up and throws Cena into the guardrail in the aisle.  Cena moves and Kane is thrown into the steel steps.  We finally get back in the ring and Kane kneels over Cena and hammers away.  Back to the outside and Cena kicks Kane backwards.  They go back in the ring and Kane clubs Cena in the face.  Cena fights back and runs into a sidewalk slam.  SUPERCENA is right back up with a turning back suplex.  5 Knuckle Shuffle.  Goes for the AA, and Kane rakes the eyes.  He muzzles Cena down to the mat.  Kane drags an unconscious Cena out the ring and put him in a wheel chair.  Cena comes to in the aisle and battles out the chair.  He slams Kane into the guardrail.  He throws him into the side of the ambulance.  Cena grabs the wheelchair and nails Kane in the head with it.  Cena rolls Kane into the side of the stage with the wheelchair.  Kane is up and throws a laptop at Cena.  Cena grabs a chair and wears out Kane with it.  Kane puts on the brakes and Cena runs into  barrier wall.  They come back to ringside and Cena grabs a mic.  He is more interested in making Booker’s fave five.  He nails Kane in the head with the house mic.  Now a monitor for Kane’s troubles.  Cena grabs the steel steps and nails Kane in the head with it.  Is this really EMBRACING THE HATE?  Cena carries Kane on top of the steps to the announce table for the AA.  Kane wiggles down and chokeslams CENA THROUGH THE TABLE!  Kane goes back for the stretcher and puts Cena on it.  Cena is in the ambulance.  Kane goes to close the door and Cena kicks out.  He slams Kane into the doors of the ambulance.  Cena gets Kane to chase him to the top of the ambulance.  They battle on top and Kane goes to Chokeslam Cena.  Cena floats over and ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT OFF THE AMBULANCE TO THE FLOOR!  Cena puts Kane in the ambulance and wins the match @ 21:19.  (A wide open brawl with all the usual spots.  Nothing special.  I would not have ended the show like that.  To many variables they could have used.  C-.)
FINAL THOUGHTS…

–  5 matches highlighted by the Elimination Chamber matches.  Everything else would not have been good even on a Raw or Smackdown.  I guess you could say you got your moneys worth (if you even paid for the show) out of the EC matches.  I do like that Punk kept the belt.  But Sheamus laying out DB makes your champion look weak as shit.  See you Thursday for Impact.

Chamber Predictions

Not really much to work for PPV predictions tonight, given that there’s only FOUR matches announced.  Maybe they’ll all be really long. RAW Chamber match:  CM Punk v. Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler This one seems pretty clear:  Either Punk retains and defends against Jericho at WM, or Jericho wins and defends against Punk.  No other result makes any sense, so we’ll go with Jericho finally getting a meaningful win and yet another World title.  I’m sure Dolph and Kofi will bump all over and make it a good match. Smackdown Chamber match:  Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Wade Barrett v. Great Khali v. Santino v. Cody Rhodes I totally forgot that Rhodes was even in this thing.  Are these seriously the top six people they could find for a World title match?  Show is already set for WM so he’s out and Khali/Santino/Rhodes are deadwood in this match, so unless they go with the stupid swerve and have Barrett win, or have Christian take out Santino ala Edge and win, it’s D-Bry all the way. John Cena v. Kane, Ambulance Match.  Cena wins and then accidentally runs over Zack Ryder with the ambulance.  Expect lots of SPORTS ENTERTAINING no matter what happens.  Probably involving Eve and Ryder and at least one heel turn. Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Really?  We’ll say that Nattie farts and costs Beth the title, just because.  Bonus match guesses:  Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal, Colons v. Usos.  Still, I’ve got the day off and will probably order this one, so hopefully everyone’s on their game tonight. 

Chamber Predictions

Not really much to work for PPV predictions tonight, given that there’s only FOUR matches announced.  Maybe they’ll all be really long. RAW Chamber match:  CM Punk v. Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler This one seems pretty clear:  Either Punk retains and defends against Jericho at WM, or Jericho wins and defends against Punk.  No other result makes any sense, so we’ll go with Jericho finally getting a meaningful win and yet another World title.  I’m sure Dolph and Kofi will bump all over and make it a good match. Smackdown Chamber match:  Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Wade Barrett v. Great Khali v. Santino v. Cody Rhodes I totally forgot that Rhodes was even in this thing.  Are these seriously the top six people they could find for a World title match?  Show is already set for WM so he’s out and Khali/Santino/Rhodes are deadwood in this match, so unless they go with the stupid swerve and have Barrett win, or have Christian take out Santino ala Edge and win, it’s D-Bry all the way. John Cena v. Kane, Ambulance Match.  Cena wins and then accidentally runs over Zack Ryder with the ambulance.  Expect lots of SPORTS ENTERTAINING no matter what happens.  Probably involving Eve and Ryder and at least one heel turn. Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Really?  We’ll say that Nattie farts and costs Beth the title, just because.  Bonus match guesses:  Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal, Colons v. Usos.  Still, I’ve got the day off and will probably order this one, so hopefully everyone’s on their game tonight. 

Chamber Predictions

Not really much to work for PPV predictions tonight, given that there’s only FOUR matches announced.  Maybe they’ll all be really long. RAW Chamber match:  CM Punk v. Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler This one seems pretty clear:  Either Punk retains and defends against Jericho at WM, or Jericho wins and defends against Punk.  No other result makes any sense, so we’ll go with Jericho finally getting a meaningful win and yet another World title.  I’m sure Dolph and Kofi will bump all over and make it a good match. Smackdown Chamber match:  Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Wade Barrett v. Great Khali v. Santino v. Cody Rhodes I totally forgot that Rhodes was even in this thing.  Are these seriously the top six people they could find for a World title match?  Show is already set for WM so he’s out and Khali/Santino/Rhodes are deadwood in this match, so unless they go with the stupid swerve and have Barrett win, or have Christian take out Santino ala Edge and win, it’s D-Bry all the way. John Cena v. Kane, Ambulance Match.  Cena wins and then accidentally runs over Zack Ryder with the ambulance.  Expect lots of SPORTS ENTERTAINING no matter what happens.  Probably involving Eve and Ryder and at least one heel turn. Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Really?  We’ll say that Nattie farts and costs Beth the title, just because.  Bonus match guesses:  Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal, Colons v. Usos.  Still, I’ve got the day off and will probably order this one, so hopefully everyone’s on their game tonight. 

Chamber Predictions

Not really much to work for PPV predictions tonight, given that there’s only FOUR matches announced.  Maybe they’ll all be really long. RAW Chamber match:  CM Punk v. Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler This one seems pretty clear:  Either Punk retains and defends against Jericho at WM, or Jericho wins and defends against Punk.  No other result makes any sense, so we’ll go with Jericho finally getting a meaningful win and yet another World title.  I’m sure Dolph and Kofi will bump all over and make it a good match. Smackdown Chamber match:  Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Wade Barrett v. Great Khali v. Santino v. Cody Rhodes I totally forgot that Rhodes was even in this thing.  Are these seriously the top six people they could find for a World title match?  Show is already set for WM so he’s out and Khali/Santino/Rhodes are deadwood in this match, so unless they go with the stupid swerve and have Barrett win, or have Christian take out Santino ala Edge and win, it’s D-Bry all the way. John Cena v. Kane, Ambulance Match.  Cena wins and then accidentally runs over Zack Ryder with the ambulance.  Expect lots of SPORTS ENTERTAINING no matter what happens.  Probably involving Eve and Ryder and at least one heel turn. Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Really?  We’ll say that Nattie farts and costs Beth the title, just because.  Bonus match guesses:  Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal, Colons v. Usos.  Still, I’ve got the day off and will probably order this one, so hopefully everyone’s on their game tonight. 

Chamber Predictions

Not really much to work for PPV predictions tonight, given that there’s only FOUR matches announced.  Maybe they’ll all be really long. RAW Chamber match:  CM Punk v. Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler This one seems pretty clear:  Either Punk retains and defends against Jericho at WM, or Jericho wins and defends against Punk.  No other result makes any sense, so we’ll go with Jericho finally getting a meaningful win and yet another World title.  I’m sure Dolph and Kofi will bump all over and make it a good match. Smackdown Chamber match:  Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Wade Barrett v. Great Khali v. Santino v. Cody Rhodes I totally forgot that Rhodes was even in this thing.  Are these seriously the top six people they could find for a World title match?  Show is already set for WM so he’s out and Khali/Santino/Rhodes are deadwood in this match, so unless they go with the stupid swerve and have Barrett win, or have Christian take out Santino ala Edge and win, it’s D-Bry all the way. John Cena v. Kane, Ambulance Match.  Cena wins and then accidentally runs over Zack Ryder with the ambulance.  Expect lots of SPORTS ENTERTAINING no matter what happens.  Probably involving Eve and Ryder and at least one heel turn. Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Really?  We’ll say that Nattie farts and costs Beth the title, just because.  Bonus match guesses:  Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal, Colons v. Usos.  Still, I’ve got the day off and will probably order this one, so hopefully everyone’s on their game tonight. 

Chamber Predictions

Not really much to work for PPV predictions tonight, given that there’s only FOUR matches announced.  Maybe they’ll all be really long. RAW Chamber match:  CM Punk v. Chris Jericho v. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz v. R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler This one seems pretty clear:  Either Punk retains and defends against Jericho at WM, or Jericho wins and defends against Punk.  No other result makes any sense, so we’ll go with Jericho finally getting a meaningful win and yet another World title.  I’m sure Dolph and Kofi will bump all over and make it a good match. Smackdown Chamber match:  Daniel Bryan v. Big Show v. Wade Barrett v. Great Khali v. Santino v. Cody Rhodes I totally forgot that Rhodes was even in this thing.  Are these seriously the top six people they could find for a World title match?  Show is already set for WM so he’s out and Khali/Santino/Rhodes are deadwood in this match, so unless they go with the stupid swerve and have Barrett win, or have Christian take out Santino ala Edge and win, it’s D-Bry all the way. John Cena v. Kane, Ambulance Match.  Cena wins and then accidentally runs over Zack Ryder with the ambulance.  Expect lots of SPORTS ENTERTAINING no matter what happens.  Probably involving Eve and Ryder and at least one heel turn. Beth Phoenix v. Tamina Really?  We’ll say that Nattie farts and costs Beth the title, just because.  Bonus match guesses:  Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal, Colons v. Usos.  Still, I’ve got the day off and will probably order this one, so hopefully everyone’s on their game tonight. 

Princess Pick: 2009 Smackdown Elimination Chamber

Two down, two to go, this ranting stuff is like riding a bike.

I was watching some old Royal Rumbles and I’m just curious how the 1990 Rumble never gets mentioned in the “best ever” category. It’s, at worst, a ****1/2 match. I get it, Hogan won and Mr. Perfect didn’t and that sucks for people that hate Hogan but the match is almost as good as the 1992 and the star power is damn near equal if not slightly better because guys like Andre, Dusty and Demolition were in it. There were a couple of moments that really stood out for me:

— When Piper entered (at No. 6 I believe) it set off a crazy two-minute sequence between Piper and Jake “The Snake” vs. Savage and DiBiase, which would have been a ridiculous tag match during that era – a crazy brawl at MSG or Boston that would have grown legendary on some Coliseum video compilation. The crowd exploded during this sequence and seemed to stay on their feet for the rest of the match.

— It was Andre’s last great performance. Even by his limited physical standards at that point he busted his ass in that match and sold for everyone. You ever want to see Andre selling offense from Bret Hart? It was in the 1990 Royal Rumble.

— The Hogan-Warrior showdown. Still cool 22 years later.

Anyway I think I’m alone in believing that’s a ***** match and at worse the third best Rumble in history. Just watch it again; it’s 60 minutes of awesome. I promise. Princess would never, ever, ever lie.

Smackdown Elimination Chamber from No Way Out 2009

Event held on February 15, 2009 from Seattle, Washington

Hosted by Jim Ross and Tazz

WWE Championship Elimination Chamber: Edge, The Undertaker, Triple H, Vladimir Kozlov, Jeff Hardy and The Big Show

Wow, remember the days when Kozlov was getting a main event push? He absolutely stunk during that phase but he gradually got better, at least good enough to be functional, and then they release him. Same thing happened to Chris Masters, who didn’t stink as bad, but still got better with time. It doesn’t always make sense to me. I guess it didn’t help that Kozlov looked like a cross between Eddie Munster and Jay Leno on HGH.

Undertaker, Big Show, Kozlov and Triple H get the pod treatment, which sort of sucks for Edge since he was the champion going into this thing. He will start the match with Jeff Hardy. Five minute intervals again.

Hardy jumps on Edge to start, hitting two sit-down clotheslines but Edge with a huge boot to end the rally. Crowd with a chant for Hardy already – a precursor to his big push in later months. Edge chokes Hardy on the middle rope and lands a splash for two. Hardy rallies with a head scissors, inverted atomic drop, double-legged splash, low dropkick combo. Hardy goes for the twist of fate but Edge tries to counter with the Edge-u-cation which is countered back into the twist of fate. These two had chemistry for the ages even though you knew who was going to win every encounter. Hardy goes for the swanton but Edge wisely scoots out of the way. Edge goes for the spear but Hardy catches him in a small package for three! Holy crap, I forgot they jobbed Edge out in four minutes. Everyone in the pods is highly entertained by this and Edge throws an awesome temper tantrum. Oh well, he figures out a loop hole later in the night. 10 seconds until next entrant.

Kozlov is next and he kicks Hardy right in the face. Kozlov’s issue was he only knew a few moves regardless of the situation and couldn’t sell so it was up to the guy he was in the ring with to make him functional. Luckily Hardy sells like a champion as Kozlov’s wide array of shoulder blocks seem effective. Kozlov tosses Hardy in the cage a couple times and gives him a fall away slam back inside the ropes for a two count. Kozlov drapes Hardy on the top rope, headbutts him a few times in the back and hits another fall away slam for two. Backbreaker from Kozlov gets two and now a bearhug. Hardy fights to his feet and fights out of the hold but a shoulderblock grounds him again. Kozlov with a running power…nope Hardy escapes and dropkicks him into the corner. Hardy with a slingshot double-leg kick in the corner that gets two. Hardy with the whisper in the wind as we hit the ten second mark.

Big Show is next and he just steps over Kozlov to abuse Hardy. Show with a headbutt and Kozlov joins in on the action as the guys decide to team up and beat down Hardy to the dismay of the crowd. Show with a body shot, Kozlov with a body shot as it’s a battle of one upsmanship. Show with a body slam on Hardy and now Kozlov with a body slam on Hardy. The pace of the match has slowed tremendously. Hardy tries to fight back but Show stops it with a headbutt. Kozlov with an elbow drop. Show adds a big chop as the two bigger men size each other up for a second and then decide to continue their abuse on Hardy. Kozlov makes the first move, knocking Show down with a battering ram and Show takes exception to it. Big man slugfest that Show wins but Kozlov blocks the suplex. Show misses an avalanche and Kozlov lands the shoulders as we hit the 10 second mark.

Triple H is in and it’s game time. Let the knees fly! Knee smasher for Show, the Harley high knee for Kozlov. Massive spinebuster on Show and Hardy tries to stop the rally so HHH clotheslines the shit out of him. Kozlov charges and HHH ducks and lets him go flying out of the ring. HHH sends Kozlov into the cage and goes for the pedigree on the steel but Show drags HHH back into the ring and roughs him up in the corner. Crowd chanting for HHH. Show with a sidewalk slam on HHH gets two, Kozlov roughing up Hardy in the corner. Kozlov with his 40th elbow drop of the match on Hardy. Crowd ready to see the Undertaker. Show goes for the chokeslam but HHH fights out only to run into a press slam. Show and HHH go out to the steel platform and Show sends HHH into the cage. Show avalanches HHH and then catches Hardy trying to sneak attack him and sends him into the cage. Show tries to avalanche both men but misses. Hardy and HHH back in the ring and give Kozlov a double suplex. Hardy and HHH fight each other and Hardy hits a whisper in the wind as we are down to 10 seconds.

Here comes Mr. McCool and it’s a rare time that five of the six are in the match. Usually they max out at four. Undertaker goes right after Show and then beats up on Kozlov, who botches the hell out of snake eyes. How the fuck do you botch that move? Undertaker dominating and was about to hit a double chokeslam on Hardy and HHH until Show interferes. Flying clothesline for Show and Undertaker takes HHH to old…nope he audible and jumps onto Show, who was ready but Taker still hits the DDT on the steel. Now he takes HHH to the old school. Big boot for Hardy but Kozlov hits a shitty spear and goes back to the shoulder blocks. I tell you Kozlov keeps it close to the vest. He gives Undertaker some corner punches and that’s not a smart move because about 30 seconds later he takes his last ride and heads back to the USSR. Show chokeslams Undertaker. HHH tries for a pedigree and Show back drops him over the ropes and on to the steel. Hardy tries to attack Show and he catches him and sends him into HHH. Show sends HHH into the steel and tries to do the same with Hardy but Hardy sticks the landing and climbs the pod. Show climbs after him and Undertaker climbs after Show. Undertaker with a superplex on Show and HHH hits a pedigree on the prone show while Hardy recovers and hits the swanton from the top of the pod! HHH covers Show for three and we’re down to three!

Undertaker escapes Hardy’s whisper in the wind and starts brawling with HHH, sending him over the corner and out onto the steel again. Undertaker tries to go old school again but HHH shakes the ropes from the outside and knocks Undertaker off. Hardy uses the Undertaker’s prone body to do a leap of faith on HHH but gets caught with the tombstone on his way back in to end his night and a hell of an effort. Down to two.

HHH charges and Undertaker hits him with the big boot and roughs him up in the corner but HHH escapes a running big boot and they go tumbling to the steel. HHH sends Undertaker into the cage and back into the ring. HHH to the top and he jumps right into a chokeslam for a near fall. HHH tries to rally but Undertaker hits snake eyes, however, HHH catches him with a spinebuster coming off the ropes. I love when two guys know each other’s moveset so well they can use logical counters. The spinebuster gets two. We go back out to the steel as the crowd has dueling chants, which is pretty cool and appropriate as it was split 50/50 for this segment. HHH goes for a pedigree on the outside but Undertaker counters with a slingshot into the cage. Undertaker goes for a tombstone, HHH counters and they flip into the ring but Undertaker counters THAT and hits the tombstone but HHH’s foot is on the ropes at two and three-quarters. HHH hits a pedigree out of desperation and THAT only gets two. They stand and slug it out in an epic scene. Undertaker wins the slugfest but HHH sends him into the corner and does corner punches, Undertaker tries for the last ride but HHH escapes and hits the pedigree for three! Holy shit that was an awesome finish!

(HHH wins Elimination Chamber via pinfall over Undertaker, ****1/2, once Kozlov was gone that sucker got damn good. I remember wanting to see Undertaker-HHH at Wrestlemania after this short encounter. Unfortunately we got Shawn Michaels instead and…well…that didn’t suck either. As for those of you wondering about Edge he would sneak attack Kofi Kingston before the World Championship match, take his spot and win that title.)

Princess Pick: ECW Extreme Elimination Chamber

In preparation for my Wrestlemania project this year, which is going to be special stipulation matches, I wanted to knock a few Elimination Chamber matches out of the way and I have a couple more rants I’m going to do before the end of the month.

Anyway I’ll do four EC matches, the 2006 ECW Extreme one, the 2009 Smackdown Chamber and both the RAW and Smackdown Chambers in 2010.

We start with the ECW one from December of 2006. Enjoy.

ECW Elimination Chamber from December to Dismember 2006

On December 3, 2006 in Augusta, Georgia

Hosted by Joey Styles and Tazz

ECW Championship Match: The Big Show, Test, CM Punk, Bobby Lashley, Hardcore Holly and Rob Van Dam

Big Show is the champion. He, Punk, Test and Lashley start out in the pods. Each pod has a weapon inside of it. Show has a barbed wire baseball bat, Test has a crowbar, Punk has a steel chair and Lashley has a table.

Holly and RVD, who had a **** encounter in the early days of the ECW television show start this one out. Five minute intervals for this one. They actually start out with some basic wrestling but that stops after about 30 seconds. Clothesline by Holly gets a one count and he roughs RVD up in the corner and tosses him out of the ring to the metal flooring. RVD rallies and goes for something off the top rope, Holly ducks it, RVD hangs on the fence and tries a cross body but Holly ducks that too. Holly sends RVD into the cage and body slams him on the steel. Holly goes to the top and but eats boot as we hit the two minute warning. RVD gives Holly the one-man rolling thunder on the steel. RVD tries to suplex Holly on the steel but Holly reverses and suplexes RVD back in the ring and gets a two count. Beautiful dropkick from Holly gets two as we hit the 10 second mark.

Next is in Punk, who gets a great crowd pop and a chant going right away. He hits Holly with the chair and has a springboard clothesline for RVD. Punk tries to toss the chair at RVD but he catches it and tosses it right back. RVD gives Punk the monkey flip on the chair but Punk rallies with a legdrop on RVD and a springboard back kick to Holly. RVD is busted open. Punk sends him into the corner (where a chair is) and hits a vicious kick to the side of the face. Punk goes for Holly but Holly catches him coming off the top and sends him into the cage. Holly covers for two. All three men are back in the ring and Holly gives Punk a side suplex. Holly with chops on Punk and a top-rope superplex as we hit the one minute warning. RVD covers Punk for two then Holly covers Punk for two. Punk reverses an irish whip and gives Holly a high knee but the bulldog is countered by RVD kicking Punk in the face.

Test is next in the match and he hits Punk in the chops with crowbar before digging it in against RVD’s cut. Kinda gruesome I suppose. He goes and chokes Punk away with the crowbar but Punk counters with a hangman. RVD clotheslines Holly twice and nails Test with the chair, one for Holly too and then a Van Daminator for Punk. RVD with the five-star for Punk and the three count. They didn’t really want to pull the trigger on Punk until allegedly Shawn Michaels told them to. Thank God that guy was around. Test has both RVD and Holly in a vulnerable position and hits the yakuza kick on Holly for a botched three count. Ref said that Holly got the shoulder up at two but still eliminated him. Announcers were rightfully confused but smartly ignored it after it was obviously botched. Meanwhile RVD is perched and hits Test with a flying kick. RVD climbs up onto a pod but it’s the Big Show’s pod and he holds RVD’s foot allowing Test to club him a few times with a chair and toss him from the pod. Test places the chair on RVD’s face and climbs the pod himself and hits the test elbow! Well you could have counted to a hundred there. And we are down to three and about a minute of dead time.

Finally the buzzer goes off but Paul Heyman’s goon squad attacks the official and keeps Lashley’s pod locked. So Lashley uses the table to bust through the steel chains on the top of the pod and he climbs out that way. Lashley catches Test with a top rope clothesline and sends Test into/through the pod. Lashley continues his grade-A shitkicking on Test with his very limited repertoire. Test tries to rally but about a minute later Lashley kicks a chair in Test’s face and brutalizes him with the crowbar before hitting a spear and ending Test’s night with a minute remaining before the Big Show enters. Lashley tosses weapons at Show’s pod in preparation.

Show is not exactly in a rush to enter to the ring and he grabs the gimmicked barbed wire bat first. Show attacks with the bat but Lashley blocks with the chair. Lashley ducks another shot and attacks with the chair. He tosses Show in the cage twice and then through one of the pods. Show is bleeding but rallies and beals Lashley back into the ring. He hits a huge clothesline but Lashley blocks the chokeslam and counters with a DDT. Show misses and avalanche but catches Lashley on an attempted cross body, Lashley escapes the powerslam, however, and hits the spear for the three count. Show was basically a transitional champion, winning the title when RVD got busted for pot, and he held it for a while until the guys felt like they found the right guy to replace him. Lashley was designated as that guy and they were not messing around with his push. Little doubt as to who was going to win this one.

(Lashley wins Elimination Chamber via pinfall over Big Show, **1/2, it was a decent match for this format with a couple of cool spots and a good enough pace. However, it wasn’t the balls-to-the-wall brawl it needed to be. Test was probably the most impressive man in the match. Definitely curious as to what would have happened to Lashley in the long run. They put him in some pretty high profile situations before he was injured and negotiated his release to do….whatever the hell he’s doing now.)