We’re in Laredo, Texas for a shorter-than-normal episode because of reasons.
We’re in Las Vegas, NV and we start with an even-sweatier-than-usual Mark Henry. We get clips from last week of Henry’s destruction of Jamie Noble and Matt Hardy. Tony Atlas demands a title shot for Henners but Teddy disagrees and makes Henry one of the choices at Cyber Sunday for a title match. Henry stares down Teddy until Air Bourne’s original (superior) theme interrupts things. Bourne offers Henry a hand-shake but retracts it while grinning to show his alliance with The Riott Squad and guaranteeing he’s going to get his wig split.
We’re in Skoplane, WA (home of Chuck Jones & David Lynch so it sounds like a lovely place). Matt Hardy retained at No Mercy last week so our main event is announced as…an eight man tag guest-starring Kofi Kingston and CM Punk. And absolutely nothing is made of the fact the former World Heavyweight Champion is returning to ECW, Striker simply hypes the ”young, upcoming talent” and try to pretend Punk’s Worst Run As Heavyweight Champion Since Tim Sylvia didn’t happen.
We’re in Green Bay, WI and Teddy Long starts the show by sadly letting Tiffany introduce ECW Champion and The World’s Strongest Challenger Mark Henry to the ring. Henry reminds Matt he has a tough week ahead of him as he’s in the Triple Threat Brand Champion match on Smackdown with Jericho and HHH. If you haven’t seen that match, take a guess how it ends and you’ll be right.
We’re in Columbus, OH with Matt Striker and Jim Ross (replacing Grisham) and we start with Morrison & Miz on the mic. Miz is furious at Evan Bourne’s win last week as even though it was a win for him, Miz was technically the more superior athlete. They should be headlining PPVs not babysitting newbies. Miz headlining a PPV? Haaaaa good one.
But first: Unforgiven!
Matt Hardy vs. The Miz vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. Mark Henry vs. Finlay (ECW Title Scramble Match)
We’re in Pittsburgh and we start with The Dirt Sheet. John Morrison brags about beating Stephen Hawking at 44 consecutive games of Pachisi. It gets no reaction so Miz says hello and gets booed. He mentions Unforgiven is taking place in his hometown of Ohio and gets even more boos. I don’t know much about American cities but I know that Ohio is up there with Detroit for ”name somewhere that’s going to get booed.”
We’re in Wilkes-Barre and Tiffany introduces the show to…introduce Teddy Long. Long announces that they will be following in the steps of Raw & Smackdown and the ECW Title match at Unforgiven will now be a Scramble Match. Hilariously, Teddy tells us he isn’t going to try to explain the rules but encourages us to check out WWE dot com instead. Given Teddy’s track record with describing things more complicated than ”get pinned, lose” that’s for the best. Here you go Tedders:
We’re in Norfolk, VA and less than a week after his release, Braden Walker is already a meme.
Todd Grisham starts the show by announcing Matt Striker is ”temporarily” replacing Tazz on commentary in the same way his Dad was temporarily going to get cigarettes. Striker says he may not fill up as much space on screen as Tazz but he’s better looking as Striker is still in character. I think.
We’re in Hershey, PA and Tazz tells us change is here with Mike Adamle becoming the Raw GM (oh god oh god) so he introduces us to ECW On Sci-Fi’s newest commentator, Tod Grisham. Well Adamle has turned into ellipsis-filled white noise these last few weeks so he can’t be any worse.
Great American Bash was this Sunday so here’s the relevant news:
- Matt Hardy lost the U.S. Title to Shelton Benjamin in an un-hyped match because it was useless to him after being drafted unless he was going to wrestle Chavo every PPV.
- Morrison & Miz sadly lost their titles in to The Edgeheads in a no-build four-way tag match involving Finlay & Hornswoggle and Jesse & Festus. Luckily they didn’t get pinned in the end result but what a shitty end to a magnificent reign.
We’re in Charlotte, North Carolina and it’s Miz & Morrison vs. The Hardy Boyz for no reason!
We’re in Baton Rouge, LA and to correct my glaring error last week, Kofi Kingston got drafted the week before winning the IC Title from Jericho so he’s gone which is good for his career but sucks for ECW on Sci-Fi as the feud with Shelton Benjamin and partnership with Evan Bourne had been the highlight of the year for the brand so let’s see what’s going to fill the gap.
San Jose, California and we have a CHAMPIONSHIP CONFRONTATION between Kane and Big Show, as well as CM Punk vs. John Morrison Part VII: First Contact.
Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne vs. Shelton Benjamin & Mike Knox
Sydal is re-named and officially part of the ECW roster after last week’s thrashing from Shelton Benjamin. Unsure why they thought Hitler’s wife was a good influence but at least Dolph Ziggler doesn’t feel lonely anymore.
But first, WWE One Night Stand 2008!
The Big Show vs. Chavo Guerrero vs. John Morrison vs. CM Punk vs. Tommy Dreamer (Singapore Cane Match)
The Big Show vs. Tommy Dreamer
We’re somewhere in America for the show before One Night Stand and we go straight to this match.
The Miz & John Morrison vs. CM Punk & Kane (WWE Tag Team Titles)
The biggest episode in ECW on Sci-Fi history starts with…Mike Adamle talking on the mic. Even in the ring he talks with Shatner pauses. He covers his resume (Olympics, American Gladiators etc.) but even with all that he didn’t realise how hard this job would be. He admits he’s made mistakes but asks the crowd to enjoy the episode and thanks them for listening. Like Adamle’s hiring, I don’t know what this accomplished.
I didn’t realise Backlash 2008 was after last week’s episode so here’s the relevant match!
Kane vs. Chavo Guerrero (ECW Title)
We’re in Greensboro, NC and tonight we get a special edition of The Cutting Edge.