Slammiversary 2017
Date: July 2, 2017
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Robert Flores, Don West
It’s both a milestone and a farewell as Impact Wrestling is all set to be renamed Global Force Wrestling. While it’s not clear what all that means, tonight is also the anniversary show with a few title unification matches between Impact Wrestling and GFW. Possibly the biggest match on the card though is a battle between announcers. Let’s get to it.
One Night Stand 2007 was last Sunday so in relevant news:
Rob Van Dam surprisingly beat Randy Orton in a stretcher match which would end up being RVD’s last match for WWE for several years. RVD sold a concussion as if he was drunk for most of the match so he could keep up with Orton’s pace. After dangerously flubbing a dive outside, RVD punched Orton a few times and rolled him across the finishing line.
We’re in (not named), One Night Stand: A Night of Extreme Rules is this Sunday and here’s Raw’s Randy Orton! Dramatic MV covers Orton concussing HBK with The Punt at Judgement Day. RVD claimed Orton lacked respect so Orton punted him too. I always like when feuds segue-way into other feuds. RVD decided to plant himself head-first on the RKO too because he’s Rob Points At Self Van Points At Self Dam Spin-Kick Pose To Crowd.
We’re in Des Moines, Iowa and we’re two weeks away from One Night Stand. Judgement Day was last Sunday and you’re already plugging the next one? I’m glad they eventually narrowed it down to only Extreme Rules after Wrestlemania. Speaking of which, in relevant matches from Judgement Day:
Another ECW on Sci-Fi, another dramatic recap of Lashley getting beat up by The McMahons and Umaga on Raw. This one turns into a Cannon Films production as Shane escapes by jumping on top of a limo as it drives away, only for Lashley to turn around and get struck down by Vince McNinja.
We start with Armando threatening Lashley and tells him if he lays a finger on him, he’s arrested. Lashley shoves his wheelchair into a wall and tells the police ”well, looks like you guys have to arrest me.”
Welp, I was wrong. Backlash is THIS Sunday so instead of Lashley/Vince we start with a recap of CM Punk ”accidentally” throwing a chair into the ring to help Rob Van Dam knacker Elijah Burke. Punk apologises to The New Breed individually before leaving Burke hanging. Punk comes back smiling, saying he’s just teasing. Burke scowls because he’s seen Transformers and hates Starscream.
We’re in London, England and the main event is announced straight away as ECW Originals vs. The New Breed in an elimination tag match.
Impact Wrestling
Date: February 16, 2017
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Josh Matthews, D’Angelo Dinero
The big story coming out of last week is the full on split of the Wolves as Davey Richards cost Eddie Edwards his last shot at the TNA World Title. While you can probably guess the reason behind the split, it should be interesting to hear the actual explanation. Other than that we also have the saga of Braxton Sutter and company which seems to be setting up a wedding. Let’s get to it.
ECW hails from Milan, Italy in front of a very loud crowd compared to previous weeks. Show starts with The New Breed in the ring and Elijah Burke (the only one who can talk) on the mic. Crowd boos and whistles the hell out of him so this is going to be a good show. Burke introduces the newest member of their group, CM Punk. Tazz thinks it was the best thing for ”this blue chipper”, Styles is pissed at a good guy like Punk joining a group that frequently cheat to win. Crowd is as conflicted as the commentators, with boos and CM Punk chants. Burke asks Punk why he joined:
This is the episode after Wrestlemania 23 so let’s have a quick look at the relevant bits: ECW on Sci-Fi’s CM Punk was involved in the Money In The Bank opener but ended up being the guy Ken Kennedy bashed off a ladder to win the briefcase. Some stuff happened with Kennedy’s MITB, but he’s not in ECW so fuck him.
It’s the ECW on Sci-Fi before Wrestlemania! On Raw, Vince McMahon pinned the ECW Champion Lashley after interference from half the locker room so the two of them are having an EXTREEEME debate tonight.
Notice the happy, smiling Lashley in the ECW graphic, WWE’s way of telling us we need to cheer him. Worked for Diesel, Luger…
Dramatic recap of Bobby Lashley becoming the first person to break Chris Masters’ Masterlock, something that went unbroken for two years as Operation: Get Lashley The Fuck Over continues. Masters isn’t happy so he’s wrestling Lashley in a real match tonight, right here in Cleveland, Ohio.
Show starts with Edge talking to some women and Randy Orton attacking him with exposition. ”We were tag champs and we’re wrestling at Wrestlemania maaan!” Edge assures Randy he can trust him and Orton shrugs away. No explanation given for them being on ECW, even in 2007 WWE expected you to put away 56 hours a week to watching their product.
We’re in Tuscon, Arizona and we start with a recap of last week. Well last week in ECW as there wasn’t a review last Sunday because it was Christmas so unless you wanted a recap of Muppets Christmas Carol and Eton Mess I couldn’t help you. On Raw, Vince picked Umaga and Trump picked Lashley for The Battle Of The Billionaires. On ECW, Vince put Lashley in a cage match against Hardcore Holly which Lashley won and dove through the cage onto Umaga. On Smackdown, Vince tries to out-bid Trump but Bobby tells him ”NO!” and gets slapped by Vince. You can tell they’re going all-in on Lashley when he’s on three times a week.
Recap of Vince picking Umaga for the Battle of The Billionaires and Trump choosing Lashley. It made sense from a storyline perspective as Vince was messing with ECW, even though Vince’s issue was with the old guys from the original company. So I guess what I’m trying to say is Trump should have chosen The Sandman.
Tonight it’s OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE Lashley vs. Holly again. Lashley’s beaten him three consecutive times but he gets another title shot. Oh and it’s in a Steel Cage because adding Ranch to stale bread makes it edible.
Show sadly starts with a In Memory Of Mike Awesome. Awesome had a mullet and wasn’t a great talker but was able to live up to his surname every night by being The Heavyweight That Flew Like A Cruiserweight in FMW and ECW where not being the total package wasn’t an issue. Paul Heyman made sure Awesome wasn’t cutting soliloquies and made sure to was pair him with super-bumpers like Masato Tanaka and Spike Dudley so he looked like money (that ECW wasn’t paying him). The teased mega-feud between him, Rob Van Dam and Sabu in early 2000 sadly never happened after RVD got injured and ECW parted ways with Awesome and Sabu. Sadly neither WCW or WWF had Heyman’s ability to cover a wrestler’s weaknesses (something that still hurts WWE today) and Awesome took on humiliating gimmicks and became a Heat regular. Awesome was able to turn back the clock at One Night Stand 2005 and stole the show against preferred rival Tanaka in what would be his final match. To me and many others, it didn’t matter that Heyman presented him as an evil traitor or WCW decided he should be That Seventies Guy, he’ll always be remembered as Mike Fucking Awesome.
Bobby Lashley and his incredibly generic theme music start the show. All respect to Jim Johnston but he’d been on borrowed time for years and I’m glad we know have CFO$. He grabs the mic. I’ve changed my mind, put his music back on.
Recap of Lashley winning the title and beating Show in the rematch so our main event is Lashley vs. Paul Heyman’s Personal Enforcers. Neither man has a name or a face which is weird, along with the fact Heyman’s not on the show anymore. I’ll save you a Google Search, the guards were played by The Bashams, so no wonder they were covering their faces.
We’re in Uniondale New York and we have Hardcore Holly vs. RVD EXTREEEME RULES II and The Hardys teaming up for the first time in years because OH SHIT THERE’S A PPV COMING UP.
