The SmarK Rant for WCW Great American Bash 1996

The SmarK Rant for WCW Great American Bash 96 – 06.16.96 Upgraded from my Roku Streaming Stick to the brand new version of the Roku 3 today, and everything is blazingly fast now. Except for the WWE Network, which immediately crashed the Roku when I tried to fast-forward something. Because of course. Live from Baltimore, MD Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Dusty Rhodes. I totally forgot about the goofy SNME-style promos before the show, actually. They were definitely ripping off aspects of the WWF presentation style around this point. Fire & Ice v. The Steiner Brothers Ice Train overpowers Scott for two, but the Steiners clean house. Norton works on Rick, but he gets suplexed for two and Scott adds a dropkick. Norton of course is merely inconvenienced and beats Scott down, allowing Ice Train to come in for more punishment. Corner splash misses and Scott suplexes him out of the corner, then he suplexes Norton and nearly breaks his neck. He’s got a pretty thick neck anyway, I’m sure he wouldn’t have even noticed. Norton bails and Scott tries a flying bodypress in the ring, but Norton catches him with a powerslam for two. Train comes in and works on the shoulder, with Norton adding a shoulderbreaker into an armbar. Rick repeatedly kicks Norton in the face to break that up and I’m sensing some tensions here. Another shoulderbreaker, but Scott manages to tag Rick while on Norton’s back and Rick runs wild with clotheslines. Fire & Ice double-team Rick with a powerbomb into a splash, however, and they try a Doomsday Device, but Scott breaks it up and they get the flying bulldog on Norton for two. Scott with the Frankensteiner on Norton to finish at 10:31. Kudos to Flash for taking that thing. Good hard-hitting match to start. *** US Title: Konnan v. El Gato Gato is no Joe Gomez as far as challengers go. As always, I remind you that El Gato is Spanish for “Pat Tanaka”. This was typical WCW weirdness, as they decided to book a match between Konnan and a masked man named El Gato, but had no real idea of who would play the part. So instead of getting any actual Mexicans, they found Tanaka at whatever waffle house he was wrestling out of in 1996 and gave him the gig instead. And they’re not even TRYING, as Tanaka is just wearing his usual gear with a Tiger Mask gimmick stuck over his trademark hair. Gato uses his South American martial arts to take Konnan down with armdrags, but Konnan puts him down with a clothesline for two. Gato gets a superkick for two and a sunset flip for two, but Konnan takes him down and works on the leg. Konnan puts him on the floor with a powerbomb, and then finishes with a jackknife slam back in the ring at 5:57 to retain. Just a Nitro match. ** Sting goes on a huge rant against Steven Regal and his prissy mannerisms, but then completely loses his train of thought mid-promo in a funny goof and Gene has to give him a minute and jumpstart him again. That was definitely live. Lord of the Ring match: Diamond Dallas Page v. Marcus Bagwell They immediately fight to the floor and Bagwell sends Page into the front row, but DDP cuts him off on the way back in. Bagwell starts working on the arm as Tony relates a backstory about a film student finding DDP homeless on the campus of his college and then giving him the money to enter WCW again. So was that the payoff the benefactor angle? Bagwell dumps him and follows with a dive, but goes up and gets crotched as DDP takes over. Backbreaker gets two. Backdrop suplex gets two. Page with the abdominal stretch and some sort of half-hearted piledriver for two. Bagwell comes back with a pair of atomic drops and a slingshot clothesline for two, but a blind charge misses and DDP gets two. Bagwell comes back again with a headscissors, but DDP drops him with the Cutter at 9:36. You can see them building up the “out of nowhere” aspect of that move and really getting it over. **1/4 Pretty dull stuff here. WCW Cruiserweight title: Dean Malenko v. Rey Mysterio Jr. For those keeping track, this is where the show really takes off. This is of course Rey’s PPV debut, on par with a Joe Gomez although without the longevity or career highs to follow. They do the stalemate sequence to start and start pulling out the awesome lucha gymnastics as Dean bumps to the floor. Rey with the springboard dropkick, and back in for a sunset flip out of a knucklelock. Dean dumps him and tries a baseball slide, but Rey casually slides back in to avoid it. Back in, Dean goes to work on the arm with some vicious stuff, but Rey walks the ropes and dropkicks out of it. Dean puts him down with a clothesline out of the corner for two and goes back to the arm with a hammerlock slam for two. Dean really cranks on the arm as this stays on the mat for way too long. Dean stomps him down and starts on the arm again. What an odd choice of a match style for REY MYSTERIO to debut with. Even WWE knew enough to have him go out there and fly all over the ring when he started. Butterfly suplex gets two. Dean goes back to the arm, but Rey finally makes the comeback and puts Dean on the floor before following with an insane somersault plancha halfway up the aisle. Back in with a springboard dropkick for two. They trade pinfall reversals for two and the West Coast Pop gets two. They fight to the top and Rey takes him down with a rana for two, and reverses a backbreaker attempt for two. Dean blocks another rana attempt with a powerbomb and pins him with his feet on the ropes to retain at 17:55, however. Those last few minutes were CRAZY. **** Meltzer kind of buried the match, despite giving it the same rating, noting that Rey’s cred was pretty much shot now because he lost his debut to a midcard guy. BURIED. And he spelled his name wrong, listing it as “Oscar Gonzales”. DOUBLE BURIED. Big Bubba v. John Tenta They brawl outside to start and Tenta throws him into the stairs and then works him over in the corner. Bubba finds an international object and slugs Tenta down for two, then follows with an enzuigiri for two. Tenta tries a slam and falls back, and Bubba smothers him for a while. Bubba goes up, however, and Tenta powerslams him for the pin at 5:31. Unfortunately, this feud MUST CONTINUE. DUD Falls Count Anywhere: Chris Benoit v. Kevin Sullivan They immediately do a crazy brawl into the crowd and up the stairs, ending up in the men’s bathroom. Dusty is just in his glory here, as this is literally the greatest thing he’s ever seen, culminating with them fighting over a urinal and a woman in the men’s bathroom. Sullivan shoves Benoit’s head into the extra toilet paper and they get into a vicious slugfest before heading down into the arena again. Sullivan just dumps him down the stairs and chucks a chair at him at ringside. Benoit retrieves a table and they take turns whipping each other into it, but Benoit sets it on the top rope and they fight on top of it. And then from there, Benoit finally puts him away with a superplex at 9:52 to a huge pop. Can’t really go with the full monty any more, but it was still a great brawl with non-stop action, that set a template for Vince Russo for years afterwards. Not to mention it was Dusty’s finest hour as a commentator, even as he lost one of his oldest friends the day before. Now that’s a pro. ****1/4 Benoit goes for the beatdown, but Arn Anderson makes the save…and then turns on Sullivan and kicks the shit out of him as well. And that was an awesome payoff, too. Meanwhile, the newly rejuvenated Horsemen cut their victory promo, and they wouldn’t be done yet tonight. Apparently Benoit has now “earned his stripes” with the Horsemen and is set for life with them. Sting v. Lord Steven Regal At this point I switch to the iPad for various reasons, and the quality is pretty iffy on it tonight. Also, has anyone commented recently how “The Man Called Sting” and “Steinerized” are basically the same song? Because they totally are. This was actually a pretty fantastic little feud built up on Nitro and WCWSN, with Regal being all kinds of a British super-dick and Sting being all “America is awesome, derp derp” and damn if it didn’t work great. Sting attacks to start, but Regal takes him down and pounds him with forearms, but Sting fights him off and Regal goes to argue with the front row for a bit. Thankfully the crowd is aware of their location in the USA and informs Mr. Regal. Back in, Steve offers a heartfelt handshake and smile, Sting THRUSTS HIS CROTCH at him. Is this how America treats visiting dignitaries and great men like Mr. Regal? No wonder he hates all the fans. Regal takes him down and rubs his knee in his face, then goes into a cobra clutch and pounds away with forearms. Regal controls him with a full nelson, but Sting takes him down with a sunset flip for two. Regal, who is a great professional wrestler, makes faces while fighting the move and threatens to take out his frustrations by punching the referee in the face at the same time. Regal was on another level of greatness at this point. Unfortunately we’re getting close to the point where he indulged in the drink and got fat and lazy for a long time. Regal with a dropkick for two and he goes to a headlock, but Sting suplexes out. Regal stays on him with a wacky armbar while yelling at the bloody fools in the front row and using the ropes. MULTITASKING~! Sting comes back with an abdominal stretch, but Regal slugs him down and shows his dance moves. Regal puts him in a headscissors and gets two off that, and he goes back to cranking on the arm. Sting fights up, so Regal hits him with rabbit punches (Dusty: “He needs to hit him with that open hand…NO NOT YOU, REGAL!”) and Sting goes down again. Regal goes for a crossbody out of the corner and Sting hits him with a dropkick with AWESOME timing and makes the comeback. They fight to the top and Regal takes him down with a butterfly suplex for two and hooks in the Regal Stretch, giving him the quality demoralizing trashtalk at the same time. Finally he just beats on Sting in the corner with backhands, and Sting has HAD ENOUGH. Sting beats the hell out of him with an awesome camera angle in the corner, but Regal blocks the Stinger splash with double knees. Sting isn’t taking more of Regal’s shit, however, and just hooks him in the Deathlock (with Regal kicking and screaming the whole way) to finish for good at 17:10. LOVED IT. Regal was just an insufferable dick the whole time and Sting got his revenge. FOR MURICA. **** Ric Flair & Arn Anderson v. Steve McMichael & Kevin Greene Most people were expecting a by-the-numbers celebrity trainwreck, which makes what we got all the better. The crowd already hates Mongo and some dudes managed to bring in a huge “Mongo Sucks” sign on a bedsheet. They’re not wrong. Arn does some football drills with Mongo and that goes badly for him. Tony relates a conversation with the football players, where he learns that rattlesnake hunting is a profession in Texas. Dusty is flabbergasted. “Of course! We all hunt rattlesnakes in Texas!” The football team does a beatdown on Arn in the corner at Savage’s behest and the Horsemen regroup, and Kevin Greene comes in for his debut. Greene is having a blast and Flair comes in and matches energy with him, then waits for Greene to go into the three-point stance and kicks him in the face. Greene comes back with shoulderblocks, however, and the Horsemen run away again. And this time Savage kicks Flair’s ass and tosses him back in. Flair is so great that he actually makes two green rookies look like killers and makes the crowd cheer for them. Mongo tags in and Arn pulls back from Flair’s tag in a funny bit. Mongo keeps overpowering Flair as they keep it simple and effective, and Mongo no-sells the chops and does his own, then adds a backdrop as Flair is just bumping like crazy here. Flair goes up and gets slammed off, and we get stereo figure-fours from the football players as the crowd goes crazy for it. The women all head back to the dressing room after an argument and Arn finally turns the tide with a cheapshot on Mongo, and the Horsemen go to work. Mongo gets dumped and Bobby gets his shots in, and back in Flair goes low and drops the knee to make sure the heels get no sympathy from the crowd. Kevin Greene as the babyface who is incredulously angry at the rampant cheating is just amazing for someone having his first match. The Horsemen cut off the tag to continue building sympathy for Mongo as face in peril, but he rams the Horsemen together off an atomic drop and makes the hot tag to Greene. Powerslam on Flair and you can see Flair leading him through the positioning for the next spot, but doing it totally naturally. Greene suplexes him in from the apron, but Arn clips him from behind like a dick and goes after the knee. The Horsemen cut off the ring and Flair tries the figure-four, but Greene reverses into a small package for two. Flair stays on him with the kneecrusher and this time gets the move, complete with help from Arn in the corner. Finally Savage can take no more of these shenanigans, but Chris Benoit joins us and beats on him. And then the evil women return with newly glammed out Debra and the Halliburton case filled with cash, which Mongo considers carefully…and then hits Greene in the face with it. Flair gets the pin at 20:50 of an insanely entertaining tag match. ***1/2 And the Four Horsemen are complete again! We get an epic beatdown of Randy Savage and Kevin Greene for good measure. Mongo was a terrible worker but fit in perfectly with the group as a character. Given that everyone assumed it would be the usual goofy match and celebrity going over Flair formula, this was awesome. This would have been the capper on any other PPV as it is. But wait, there’s MORE! Eric Bischoff brings out the invading Hall and Nash, so that WCW can formally answer their challenge. Bischoff still won’t use their names, which is another nice touch. So the match will happen at Bash at the Beach, and Bischoff specifically asks if they work for the WWF, trying to get the lawyers off his back. Bischoff promises the reveal the WCW team on Nitro, so Hall kicks him in the gut and Nash powerbombs him off the stage and through a table, which has the crowd freaking out. This was amazing on so many levels, not the least of which was that Bischoff had never been touched to that point, and it was the first acknowledgement that Bischoff was the guy in charge of the company, a year before Vince came out as owner of the WWF on TV. Needless to say, I was losing my shit at this point and this was one of the biggest angles in the history of the company. It was suddenly a totally different atmosphere, with two guys who weren’t playing by the arbitrary rules of the wrestling “universe” coming in and just doing what they wanted in ways that fans didn’t know how to react to yet. It was DIFFERENT and off-putting and suddenly made everything must-see and dangerous. Really, the World title match should have been stuck in the middle of the show somewhere because nothing was going to top that, but they go ahead with it anyway. WCW World title: The Giant v. Lex Luger Really, these guys have no hope of following anything that came before. Luger slugs away on the Giant to start and clotheslines him to the floor, then does a clumsy leap onto Giant’s back with a sleeper. Jimmy Hart tries to break it up with the megaphone, but Sting comes out and chases Jimmy to the back. Giant beats Luger down in the corner to escape and whips Luger around the ring, as Luger somehow grunts even louder when he’s selling than when he’s on offense. Giant puts him in a body vice and tosses him down for a surfboard and the crowd is just totally dead. Can’t even blame them. Giant slowly pounds away on the back. Lex makes the comeback with the offense grunts instead of the defense grunts and pounds away on the Giant, who charges and ends up laying on the top rope somehow. Luger uses that contrived position to put him in the Rack, but Giant falls on top of him and finishes with the chokeslam to retain cleanly at 9:30. I think with hindsight they should have put the title on Luger here and passed it to Hogan that way, since it would have ripped the hearts out of the fans that much more and Luger had earned it anyway. *1/2 The Pulse If not for the main event, this is the greatest PPV in WCW history and probably one of the greatest of all-time, period. As it is, it sits comfortably below Bash 89 on my list. Taken with Bash at the Beach three weeks later, it’s a hell of a one-two punch that nearly destroyed the WWF in the process and really, probably should have. Strongest recommendation!

Dusty Rhodes Hard Times and American politics

Hey Scott, first time, long time (like 15 years) I’m a freelance political writer and wrestling mark for like 25 years. Not sure if your blog would be interested, but I just wrote a piece that talks about Dusty Rhodes’ Hard Times promo explaining the current state of American politics. If you would share it on your blog that would be awesome, if not, it’s no biggie. Keep up the great work and hope all is well! -Robert Sobel

Great American Bash 1999

Great
American Bash 1999

Date:
June 13, 1999
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore,
Maryland
Attendance: 11,672
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby
Heenan, Mike Tenay 
Reviewed by Tommy Hall 
To
say this show doesn’t sound thrilling is an understatement. We’ve
spent weeks getting ready for Nash vs. Savage with antics ranging
from makeup to human waste to attempted murder. Other than that we
have Rick Steiner no selling against Sting for the TV Title and more
of the mess that is the Tag Team Title scene. Let’s get to it.

Master P. and the No
Limit Soldiers arrive. Curt Hennig pops up and says how much he
loves him and asks how much he loves him. P. signs a CD for him
(which one of his guys just had in his pocket) and Hennig breaks it.
The Soldiers all start jumping up and down and shoulding what sounds
like “Hoody who” in high pitched voices. This is a southern
promotion for a show in a southern city and they expect Hennig to be
booed here?
The opening recap video
shows us a stupid Savage vs. Nash feud.
Tony
and the announcers explain who Master P. is and call him the biggest
entertainer of our time. We hear about the main event as well.
We
recap most of the matches on the card. Well at least it cuts into
the main event time. They even go back and cover the hardcore match
twice.
Hak vs. Brian Knobs
I
sit corrected: this is a kendo stick match and Knobs is officially
part of the First Family. So why did he say he had to think about
it? Tony calls this a kendo stick hardcore match because they can’t
even keep their stupid gimmicks straight through a single entrance.
Brian has promised Mrs. Nasty a birthday win today so let’s get rid
of the sticks and have a real hardcore match. So in the span of 90
seconds we’ve gone from kendo stick to kendo stick hardcore to
hardcore. I know it doesn’t matter but it sounds like WCW has no
idea what they’re doing.
Brian
wants to throw away the weapons but Jimmy throws him a trashcan for a
cheap shot. Knobs hits him in the head with a trashcan lid and
there’s the Pit Stop. Hak stops a charge with two boots to the face
and blasts Knobs with the trashcan. It’s ladder time but Knobs comes
back with a trashcan shot of his own. He gets decked by the ladder
though and Hak hits a slingshot….something onto the ladder onto
Knobs.
Hak gets thrown into
the ladder in the corner and a few more ladder shots put him down.
The advantage only lasts a few seconds as you would expect but Hak’s
Swanton only hits ladder. Jimmy holds up a chair but Hak sends him
face first into the steel, setting up a kendo stick shot for the pin.
Rating:
F.
We waited thirteen minutes for the matches to start and this is the
best they can give us? The only positive about this is the match
wasn’t even six minutes long, which is way better than the usual
lengths that we have to sit through. It’s still bad though and I’m
tired of seeing these disasters.
Hugh Morrus comes out
and helps beat down Knobs.
Piper
is in the back when Buff comes up to thank him for giving him the
ball. He has a big match tonight (against Disco Inferno) and
promises to have Piper’s back tonight against Flair. Buff leaves and
Piper mutters about stupid kids. Lines like that defeat the purpose
of Piper as the mentor to the young guys. He should be thrilled with
where the future is going instead of being annoyed with them for
saying they’ll have his back. Also, is a match with Disco Inferno
“getting the ball” when you had a US Title match last month?
Mikey Whipwreck vs.
Van Hammer
Bonus match. Mikey
gets shoved down a few times but comes back with some armdrags.
Hammer chokes him to take over and drives a knee into Mikey’s ribs.
A middle rope slam sends Mikey flying as the fans think this is
boring. Hammer gets two off a delayed vertical suplex and a legdrop
before we hit the abdominal stretch. Nick Patrick finally catches
him holding the ropes so Hammer throws Mikey to the floor. Mikey
goes throat first over the barricade but he comes back with a legdrop
to the back of the head and a plancha. Back in and Hammer catches
him in a spinebuster, setting up a cobra clutch slam for the pin.
Rating:
D-.
Somehow that was eight and a half minutes long. To recap, we can’t
get Booker T. on this show but there’s time for Mikey Whipwreck vs.
Van Hammer. Mikey is one of those hires that never made sense. He
won like two matches in his six months with the company, even though
WCW knew he was banged up when they got him. Eh whatever you can do
to screw with ECW I guess.
Disco Inferno vs.
Buff Bagwell
In
case you didn’t get enough of it on Nitro I guess. They start fast
for a change by trading kicks to the ribs until Disco grabs a
neckbreaker to send him outside. Back in and Buff kicks him in the
ribs a few times, setting up a swinging neckbreaker of his own. Buff
cranks on an armbar and starts a DISCO SUCKS chant. An early
Blockbuster attempt sends Disco running to the floor and Buff says it
was that close.
Back
in and Bagwell flips him off (some hero) so Disco nails him with a
Stun Gun to take over. Disco chokes on the ropes so Tony
congratulates all the recent high school graduates in the country.
Ok then. More slow stomping in the corner from Inferno followed by a
dancing middle rope elbow for two. Disco goes up for the same spot
but Buff moves (that might have been some miscommunication as Tony
made a big deal about Bagwell not moving the first time) and starts
his comeback.
Some
right hands look to set up the Blockbuster but Buff takes too long
and gets crotched. They head outside and Disco hits the Last Dance,
only to take too long dancing to allow Bagwell to beat the count.
Back in and the Macarena Driver (exactly what it sounds like) is
countered with a backdrop. Buff hits some really basic stuff and
goes up for the Blockbuster. Disco ducks away but Bagwell doesn’t
bite and hits the Blockbuster for the pin. Nice little callback
there.
Rating:
D+.
Of all the guys that WCW never pulled the trigger on, Bagwell might
surprise me more than anyone else. He was young (29 here), an eight
year veteran, had a great look and a good finisher, yet he never won
a singles title in WCW. That’s not even factoring in the whole
broken neck story. He’s a good example of a guy that could have been
something but instead we’re stuck with the Steiners as the midcard
champions and Nash vs. Savage for the World Title. Bagwell never
would have carried the company or anything, but there’s no reason he
couldn’t have gotten the US or TV Titles a few times.
We
recap the battle of the musics. Again, WCW was stupid enough to
think that the country boys would be the heels in this story.
DJ
Ran wastes our time and brings in Master P. and the No Limit
Soldiers.
Curt Hennig/Bobby
Duncum Jr. vs. Rey Mysterio Jr./Konnan
Tenay
actually picks rap. We also get the debut of Rap Is Crap as the
cowboys’ theme song. I have no idea why A, Mysterio is Cruiserweight
Champion is he never defends the thing and B, why he and Konnan come
out wearing gas masks. Tenay tries and fails at getting me to care
about Master P. The rappers jump Hennig for talking trash about
Master P. and the cowboys are quickly dispatched. P. gets in a cheap
shot to the back of Curt’s head because that’s what good guys down.
We
get down to an actual match with Mysterio dropkicking Hennig to the
floor and nailing a plancha but diving into a backbreaker from
Duncum. A big powerbomb plants Rey again and Hennig slams him down
as well. Rey takes the Bret Hart chest bump into the corner and the
cowboys keep things slow. The referee misses the hot tag to Konnan
and takes him to the floor, allowing Bobby to send Mysterio hard into
the barricade.
Back
in and Curt hits a perfect dropkick to Rey’s jaw and spits at Konnan
to draw him in. Bobby crotches him against the post and Rey is in
big trouble. Hennig does a Rude hip swivel and it’s quickly back to
Duncum. Rey crawls through the legs and tags Konnan which the
referee sees but “he didn’t see it” so it doesn’t count.
Hennig
gets two off a suplex but Rey moonsaults over him and scores with a
dropkick. Now the hot tag brings in Konnan as everything breaks
down. There’s the Bronco Buster to Curt and he fights with Konnan on
the floor. Cue Barry Windham to nail Konnan but Master P.’s
bodyguard Swoll jumps the barricade and nails Duncum, setting up a
slingshot legdrop for the pin.
Rating:
D+.
This was pretty dull and the ending was messier than it needed to be.
The idea doesn’t work either as the country boys are far more
popular with WCW’s fan base but we’re supposed to cheer for rappers
who jump up and down and shout HOODY WHO for some reason. But hey,
at least Master P. is on the show right?
The
cowboys destroy the rappers post match.
The
announcers talk about what we just saw and we look at a replay of it
to waste even more time.
Cat
vs. Scott Norton
Sonny
has a briefcase with him. Actually scratch Norton as Horace comes
out to complain about getting hit with the crowbar on Thursday. Time
for a replacement.
Cat vs. Horace Hogan
Horace
says Miller couldn’t even beat himself and the fight is on. Cat gets
beaten down in the corner and choked with a boot before they head
outside. That goes nowhere so Miller kicks him in the face back
inside. Miller slams him down and throws Horace outside for some
kicks from Sonny. Back in and Horace hits a slam of his own and
drops an elbow for two. A splash gets two more but Sonny gets up on
the apron for a distraction. Horace sees through it and backdrops
Miller to the floor. In the confusion, Miller gets his sparkly red
shoe from the briefcase and kicks Horace senseless for the pin.
Rating:
D-.
Oh come on man I already had to sit through this on Thunder. Isn’t
that enough for WCW? I knew things were going to get bad around this
time but no one told me I was going to have to sit through this match
twice in four days. Miller needs to turn face soon and Horace needs
to turn to another career.
We
recap Piper vs. Flair. Piper is old, Flair is crazy (actually just
more evil than anything else) and they’re fighting for control of the
company.
Roddy Piper vs. Ric
Flair
Flair
has Asya and Arn with him. They trade chops to start and Piper takes
over with some lefts to the face. We get a delayed Flair Flop and
Ric begs off in the corner. The slowest backslide this side of the
last Piper match gets two and Flair gets punched to the floor. Back
in and Piper bites Flair’s nose, followed by even more of his weird
punches. Ric finally gets in a low blow to get a breather and things
slow down even more. Anderson gets in a shot on the floor and Asya
adds a rake of the eyes.
There’s
another low blow from Flair but a sunset flip sends his trunks down
as usual. Ric gets slammed off the top and Piper nails Anderson for
bad measure. I can’t say there’s anything good, even a measure, in
this match. Back in and Roddy puts on a sleeper but Flair quickly
breaks it. Anderson trips up Roddy so Flair can nail Piper with a
foreign object. Piper is up at two but there’s the Figure Four.
Bagwell comes out to break up Anderson’s interference and goes in,
drawing the DQ.
Rating:
F.
Gah. Seriously just gah. This was another mess with Flair having to
work down to Piper’s level and Piper just being awful. I have no
idea why WCW insists on keeping Piper out there when the fans don’t
care and the stories go on and on. Piper and Flair had a great feud
seventeen years ago. We really don’t need to see it again here and
this match is good proof of why.
Post
match Piper nails Bagwell, making this whole feud TOTALLY POINTLESS.
Bagwell gets whipped with a belt for good measure. So yeah, Piper is
in league with Flair and Anderson, presumably for daring to challenge
the status quo.
DJ
Ran. Again.
We recap Sting vs. Rick
Steiner who are fighting…..actually I have no idea why they’re
fighting. My best guess is Goldberg is out making a movie though.
Sting vs. Rick
Steiner
This
is hardcore and non-title for no apparent reason. Sting scores with
an early clothesline and they head outside to start brawling. That’s
a bit too boring though so they head inside where Rick nails some
forearms to the back. A pair of atomic drops don’t have much effect
on Steiner and they head outside again. Tony says there must be a
winner.
Steiner
hits Sting with a chair and then a beer. Sting comes back but the
Stinger Splash hits the barricade. A piledriver on the exposed
concrete gets two and somehow doesn’t break Sting’s neck. Back in
and Rick gets two more off a release German suplex, followed by the
chinlock. Rick cannonballs down onto Sting’s back and gets two off
an elbow drop. Sting finally gets his knees up to crotch Rick and
some Vader Bombs actually keep him down.
The top rope splash
connects for two and Sting is all fired up. He nails the Stinger
Splash and puts on the Deathlock but Rick crawls under the ropes.
They fight to the internet location and into the back where Tank
Abbot is waiting…..with two dobermans and a rottweiler who attack
Sting. They take Sting down as security runs in like a bad shot from
an action movie. Rick is declared the winner as the fans just rip
this apart.
Rating:
F-.
Three dogs. Three dogs. THREE DOGS. Next. Please.
The
Steiners say Rick pinned Sting off camera because WCW was too scared
to air it. They own WCW, Baltimore sucks, etc.
We recap the Triad
against Saturn/Benoit. The easiest version: Kanyon was in league
with the Jersey boys the whole time but Benoit and Saturn beat Kanyon
and Page for the titles on Thunder.
Tag Team Titles:
Chris Benoit/Saturn vs. Kanyon/Diamond Dallas Page
The
announcers are joking about pyro after Sting WAS NEARLY MAULED BY
DOGS. That’s a long running problem with commentators: they have the
attention span of drunken gnats. Someone must get in their ear as
they start talking about how terrifying a moment it was but assure us
that Sting was dragged away from the dogs. Benoit runs Kanyon over
to start and Page isn’t pleased. The champs clear the ring with
clotheslines and Benoit stands…..well not very tall actually.
It’s
off to Page vs. Saturn with DDP taking a few slams. Everything
breaks down again and the champions easily dispatch the Jersey boys.
That’s not enough for them though as they go outside to beat up
Bigelow before snapping off overhead belly to bellies on Page and
Kanyon. Bigelow trips Benoit to the floor and sends him into the
barricade to get the first advantage. Kanyon gets two off a middle
rope Fameasser and Benoit is in trouble. Back to Page whose
powerbomb is countered into a sunset flip but Benoit gets kicked
right back down.
The
helicopter bomb gets two on Benoit and it’s back to Kanyon, but he
misses a moonsault. The hot tag brings in Saturn for a frog splash
on Page. Saturn hammers on Page in the corner but Kanyon takes him
down with an electric chair faceplant for two. Things settle back
down with the challengers hitting a nice sequence into a Russian
legsweep from Kanyon and an elbow drop from Page. Saturn grabs a
sunset flip but Kanyon tags out on the way down and holds Saturn’s
head so Page can come in off the top for the save.
Back
to Kanyon for a front facelock into a swinging neckbreaker. A sitout
Dominator from Kanyon gives Page two but he misses a charge into the
corner. It’s finally enough for the second hot tag to bring in
Benoit for some much needed house cleaning. Kanyon takes the Rolling
Germans for two but Page makes the save.
We get the old school
dragon suplex for a VERY close two and Benoit hits the Swan Dive,
only to have Saturn dive into the Diamond Cutter. Cue Dean Malenko
to try and help Saturn back in but the distraction lets Bigelow come
in to lift Benoit up for a super Diamond Cutter. Kanyon’s
unconscious body is put on top for the pin and the titles.
Rating:
B-.
I’m so glad they gave us that three day reign before the Triad got
the belts back. As usual the (mostly) old guys get the win and the
titles while the (mostly) young generation is laid out. In theory
this sets up a six man at least which should be good, but knowing WCW
it leads to Benoit, Saturn and Malenko jobbing for months.
Dean gets laid out too.
We
recap Savage vs. Nash. Savage wanted a title shot so he put lipstick
on Nash’s face, called him a stupid person and tried to have him
crushed with a Hummer. Don’t you see the logical progression of
events?
WCW World Title:
Kevin Nash vs. Randy Savage
Nash
is defending and powers Savage into the corner to start, showing
absolutely no injuries from being crushed by a Hummer six days
earlier. Wait scratch that as he winces a bit after a clothesline in
the corner. The impact is kind of lost though when he picks Savage
up for a side slam three seconds later.
Randy starts going
after the ribs and knocks Nash to the floor so the girls can get in
shots of their own. Back in and Savage drops the big elbow for two.
Nash comes back with Snake Eyes followed by a big boot and the strap
comes down. The girls all interfere and get dispatched but SID
VICIOUS runs in and attacks Nash for the DQ.
Rating:
F.
The main event of a pay per view didn’t even make it seven and a half
minutes. Actually that’s a bit better than the alternative of
watching these two fight any longer as it’s clear that Savage has
nothing left in the ring. Sid interfering was a big surprise as he
hadn’t been seen in a major wrestling company (unless you count ECW)
since 1997. Nash not selling the ribs for the opening part of the
match brought it down but you can’t expect Nash to sell and toss his
hair at the same time.
Overall
Rating:
F.
If I’ve ever seen a less interesting or worse show, I can’t recall it
off the top of my head. There was one good match, three matches that
should have been on Nitro or Thunder (one of which was) and Sting
being attacked by dogs. Say that out loud and see if you think it’s
stupid. Couple that with the horrible main event and there isn’t
much to feel good about.
The
problem here is much more than the wrestling being bad. This show
died because there’s nothing interesting going on. Nothing on here
makes me want to tune in to see what’s coming. It’s all the old guys
dominating and the young guys getting beaten down. In theory that
should set up a good story, but I have no faith in WCW to pull that
off. Hogan’s return looms over everything too and that might make
things even worse. I’m not sure how, but it could. This was one of
the worst shows I’ve ever seen and I didn’t see much hope.
Remember to check out my website at kbwrestlingreviews.com and head over to my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:
http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

The SmarK Retro Rant for WCW Great American Bash 1991

The SmarK Rant for WCW Great American Bash 1991 Live from Baltimore, MD Your hosts are Jim Ross & Tony Schiavone and a whole lot of bad vibes. Scaffold match: PN News & Bobby Eaton v. Steve Austin & Terry Taylor So this kind of sums up all the problems they were having, and the match was hilariously dissected by Steve Austin on his podcast recently, as the people who built it made it too narrow for anyone to pass each other. Hell, I was watching the product weekly at this point and I couldn’t even tell how they ended up with this ridiculous combination for an opener. Would a normal tag match or two singles matches been too much to ask? So let me attempt to describe the “action” here. The guys line up single-file along the scaffold because they can’t go around each other, and Austin crawls around on his hands and knees menacingly while trying not to tumble to his death. The next highspot sees News laying on Taylor after a test of strength before the guys move as fast as humanly possible to the safe zones at the ends of the scaffold and pair off there. And thankfully, Bobby grabs the heel flag (sorry, did I not mention that you have to capture a flag to win the match? Because you totally did.) but Steve Austin sprays him in the face with hairspray. The announcers are remarkably unconcerned about someone walking around blind while 30 feet in the air, as Jim Ross is like “Wow, he’s blinded, that kind of sucks.” And then the match is just over and the babyfaces win at 8:00 for no adequately explored reason. Hell of a way to kick off the PPV! -**** Jim Ross explains that, yeah, Ric Flair is “no longer considered the WCW World champion” but we’ve got a hell of a show anyway! Lex Luger and Barry Windham, folks! How can that not be awesome? Meanwhile, Paul E. Dangerously and Arn Anderson cut a promo while they take the scaffolding down. Also, they’re now in a mixed tag match against Missy Hyatt and Rick Steiner for some reason. The announcers continue filling dead air while they take the stupid scaffolding down. The Diamond Studd v. Tom Zenk DDP with a mullet, plus bedazzled fanny pack, could not be any more clichéd 90s wrestler unless he was wearing Zubaz. WCW’s crack camera crew shows Zenk standing at the top of the ramp with his harem of cheerleaders, all of them standing there looking bored until it’s time for the entrance, at which point they all excitedly come down to the ring like they were excited the whole time. WCW, ladies and gentlemen. Zenk and Studd quickly brawl to the floor as I should point out that Scott Hall has “Stud” on his tights instead of “Studd”, which would be his name at that point. Because, you know, WCW. They slug it out in the ring and Studd gets an abdominal stretch, and judging by Hall’s physique DDP must have his fanny pack stuffed with steroids for him. Zenk tries a comeback and gets chokeslammed, and this would seem to set up the big finisher they’ve been hyping, but instead Zenk gets a sunset flip for two. Studd keeps punching and kicking, but Zenk hits a superkick and they continue this war on the floor. Back in, Zenk with a missile dropkick and he beats on DDP for some reason, allowing Studd to hit a backdrop suplex for the pin at 7:00. Not exactly a dominant PPV debut for the Diamond Studd. And they were actually TRYING for god knows what reason. How can I bash this show if the wrestlers are gonna make an effort? Some people are so selfish. Hall was probably too drunk to even realize Flair was gone anyway. ** The Great and Powerful Oz v. Ron Simmons OK, now I’ve got something to work with. No one ever accused Kevin Nash of trying too hard at anything ever. Ironically, back then he was dying his hair to make it MORE grey. So true story, Turner had recently purchased the rights to show Wizard of Oz on TBS, and wanted a wrestling character tie-in to take advantage of the brand. And this is what the combined brain power of Kevin Sullivan and Dusty Rhodes came up with: Kevin Nash in neon green tights. So Mr. Oz puts Ron down with a big boot, but Simmons takes him down with drop toehold and I think Nash tears a quad on it. They’ve found his one weakness: Taking simple bumps! Oz continues staggering around the ring until Simmons clotheslines him to the floor while one poor bastard keeps trying to start a “boring” chant. Oh, buddy, you have no idea what you’re in for later, you should save that. So with Nash having done his highspot for the match, they head back in for a test of strength. JR’s analysis: “It would favor the taller guy, unless the smaller guy is stronger.” So the test of strength favors the stronger guy? Fascinating. Oz with a sideslam for two and the Great Wizard (wearing slacks and sneakers underneath his mysterious robe) gets a cheapshot in. And now it’s time for Nash’s other highspot, the BEARHUG. Simmons thankfully escapes that predicament and comes back with shoulderblocks…which finish at 8:00. See? Nash’s one weakness, the simple bump. And that was that for Oz, never to be seen in the business again. * Wait, he went on to be World champion? Multiple times? WHAT THE FUCK, WRESTLING? The WCW Top 10! This WCW Top Ten and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this WCW Top Ten in error please notify the system manager. This message contains confidential information and is intended only for the individual named. If you are not the named addressee you should not disseminate, distribute or copy this WCW Top Ten. Please notify the sender immediately by WCW Top Ten if you have received this WCW Top Ten by mistake and delete this WCW Top Ten from your system. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited. If you’re Ric Flair you’re pretty much fucked already, legally speaking. 10. Johnny B. Badd 9. Ron Simmons 8. Diamond Studd 7. Terrance Taylor 6. Arn Anderson 5. Bobby Eaton 4. Steve Austin 3. Sting 2. Barry Windham 1. Lex Luger And the World title, of course, is vacant. Ricky Morton v. Robert Gibson Some might have argued that the Rockers’ breakup was the most memorable of all-time, but I would argue that…wait, no sorry, I wouldn’t actually argue that. My bad. This was awful and no one wanted to see it. Also, Morton is still wearing the same tights despite the team breaking up, which I call Tito Santana-itis. IT’S A REAL THING. Look it up on Alexandra York’s word processor! Could she access Gopher on that thing, I wonder? They brawl on the ramp to start and Gibson gets a slam in the ring, sending Morton flailing to the floor in terror. Morton gets some advice from the computer, and it turns out to be an e-mail notifying him of late child support payments. Back in, Morton stalls as I ponder whose bright idea it was to take the most effective babyface in the history of tag team wrestling and TURN HIM HEEL. So Gibson slugs away, but Morton sends him into the corner to take over and goes to work on the injured knee. Yup, the dream clash of the Rock N Roll Express is one old dude working the knee on the other old dude. Jim Ross notes that he’s not an orthopedic surgeon, but that could be bad for Gibson’s surgically repaired knee. Whew, I was about to go put a guy wearing a leg brace in a figure-four on his advice, but at least now I can’t sue JR. So this match keeps happening and it’s literally all Ricky Morton working on the damn knee while they lie on the mat. So after ELEVEN MINUTES of that, Gibson tries a comeback, but Morton is still working on that damn knee. Alexandra York is so bored that she’s sexting Dustin Rhodes on her computer and people are literally sitting at ringside and yawning. Finally, Gibson tries another comeback, but Morton dodges a dropkick and…you guessed it…goes back to the knee. People are so bored that they start chanting for CM Punk, which is weird because he would have been in elementary school at the time, but obviously the crowd had enough time to collectively build a time machine and travel forward 20 years to watch good wrestling before returning to be annoyed by this shitty match all over again. And then after literally 15 minutes of Morton working on the damn knee, York distracts the ref and Morton just hits Gibson with the computer for the pin at 16:27. Some dude in the front row is so irritated by that stupid finish that he tosses garbage at the ring. Who booked this shit? DUD Elimination tag match: The Freebirds & Badstreet v. Dustin Rhodes & The Young Pistols Dustin’s pre-match promo where he says absolutely nothing is a thing of beauty. Thankfully he got much better at them and evolved beyond yelling “WE’LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING ABOUT ELIMINATION SIX-MAN TAG MATCHES!” while pointing at the camera. Dustin clears the ring with elbows as everyone bumps for the Knight of Nepotism long before he was any good. The Freebirds quickly take over with a cheapshot, giving Jimmy Garvin plenty of time to stall. They literally stand around posing while even the announcers question why Tracy Smothers is stupid enough to let them do it instead of, you know, hitting them. The Pistols bring Badstreet in and Steve Armstrong puts his own masked brother on the floor. Badstreet returns the favor and Garvin gets a cheapshot on Smothers and go to work on him. Hayes with a sleeper as I ponder WCW logic: The Freebirds need a third guy, so instead of getting another Freebird they put Brad Armstrong under a mask. Like, was Buddy Roberts REALLY asking for that much money? And Garvin doesn’t disappoint in sucking, going right to a chinlock. Badstreet comes in with a neckbreaker for two, but Smothers makes the alleged hot tag to Armstrong and it’s BONZO GONZO. Steve tries for Badstreet’s mask, but Hayes DDTs him and gets the pin at 13:47. And then he immediately throws the eliminated Armstrong over the top and gets DQ’d. Er, why? Never mind. I don’t really care. So now it’s just a total mess and Garvin DDTs Smothers for the pin at 15:19. Dustin then eliminates Garvin with a lariat at 15:32 and finishes Badstreet after a decent little sequence with a bulldog at 17:00. Why was this even elimination rules? *1/2 Bounty match: The Yellow Dog v. Johnny B. Badd The Yellow Dog actually brings a yellow dog to the ring with him, because WCW. Speaking of which, at this point the screen goes black and there’s a disclaimer from the Network that there was technical difficulties and this was the most complete version available. Dammit, we almost lost this match! And someone saved it. WHY? The Dog gets a suspiciously Pillman-like dropkick and chops Badd to the floor, and then a Pillman-like crucifix gets two. I’m starting to suspect that this mysterious yellow-clad figure is not who he represents himself to be. Badd attacks him on the floor and they slug it out in the ring, where the Dog botches a crossbody attempt. Good thing it’s not Brian Pillman because that would be embarrassing for him. Badd goes for the mask with no success, but the Dog comes back with a backdrop suplex. He goes up with a high cross, but Teddy Long runs in for the DQ at 6:00. Yeah. So this happened. * Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff goes to interview Missy Hyatt in her locker room, which seems a tad inappropriate. So Eric actually goes into the shower, clearly knowing that she would be naked, and he’s all shocked when she freaks out and kicks him out. And yet instead of getting fired for sexual harassment, he was made Executive VP two years later! Only in America. Lumberjack match: Black Blood v. Big Josh What is with all the shitty stipulation matches tonight? Josh is of course from the North Woods, although where in the North and which Woods are never specified. You might be thinking “Oh, Billy Jack Haynes v. Matt Borne, this should be decent” but OH HOW WRONG YOU WOULD BE. Black Blood is apparently a literal executioner, carrying a bloody axe to the ring after guillotining someone in France. Do you have to check that thing at the airport? Well, clearly now you would, but I guess it was a simpler time before 9/11. DAMN YOU TERRORISTS, robbing hard-working executioners of the ability to carry their tools. I feel like that’s the reason why the gimmick was dropped, because all things being equal he would have been World champion had the hassle of carrying the giant axe from city to city not overcome him. So anyway, Josh slugs away and the lumberjacks randomly brawl with each other. You know, if House taught me anything, it’s that Black Blood in his urine would indicate kidney shutdown, so perhaps Mr. Blood should see a doctor. Maybe that’s why the gimmick failed? And is Black Blood any relation to Ricky Steamboat? So Blood grabs the axe, apparently wanting to literally decapitate Big Josh to win a wrestling match, but luckily Josh gets a small package after assistance from Dustin Rhodes for the pin at 5:41. Ah, the old beheading trick, oldest heel move in the book. If only Henry VIII’s wives had known that you could small package the executioner to evade beheading, history would look a lot different. I believe his finisher was called the Robespierre, or at least should have been. DUD El Gigante v. One Man Gang Kevin Sullivan is working double duty tonight, seconding Gang as well as Oz. He was supposed to also be in Black Blood’s corner but was apparently too busy getting his skullet teased for this. I should note that even Big Josh gets a harem of women to accompany him, whereas Gigante gets four midgets as his posse. Thankfully, Kevin Sullivan beats them up. Gigante uses the WORLD’S LARGEST CLUBBING FOREARMS while poor Gang has to bump for him. Gigante misses a “charge” and “sells” it by staggering around like a drunk guy, allowing Gang to use a wrench to take over. Yes, an actual wrench. Why not just grab Black Blood’s giant bloody axe and use that instead? Unless airport security already made him check it with the baggage. DAMN YOU TERRORISTS! I remember when you could carry an Uzi on with you and then buy ammunition from the Skymall while doing coke with the hooker/stewardess. DAMN YOU TERRORISTS. I may be remembering it wrong, granted. Gang hits a splash and goes up and then stands there waiting for Gigante to remember his mark and slam him off. Line? Oh yeah, it was “WAAAAGH!” Gigante puts the claw on Sullivan, but Gang gets a bunch of powder, or salt, or something according to Tony, which Gigante kicks back in his face for the pin at 6:30. Shit, I bet those fascist airport guards wouldn’t let him carry that bag of blow on the plane with him, either. DAMN YOU TERRORISTS! -** Negative stars are starting to lose all meaning for me. Russian Chain match: Sting v. Nikita Koloff This actually was the one match on the show with good heat and backstory to it, so of course they ruin it with one of my least favorite stipulation matches. So yeah, they brawl around the ring and Sting manages two turnbuckles before Koloff clotheslines him and takes over on the floor. Sting runs him into the post, but Koloff wraps the chain around his arm and drops elbows on Sting. We get a dull heat segment and Koloff drags him around for three corners before Sting breaks it up. They do a silly bit where they fight in a bearhug and end up touching two corners at the same time, and then both guys go to the nuts, which kind of an allegory for this fucking show. And then both tumble into the third corner at the same time, because WHAT THE FUCK, but Koloff breaks it up and we’re still at 3 each for some reason. Sting dives in and knocks Koloff into the turnbuckle to give him the win at 11:50. Even by the low standards of the gimmick match this whole thing made no sense. * WCW World title, cage match: Lex Luger v. Barry Windham The dead space before the match just allows the crowd to get good and pissed off and chant for Flair, as it was now readily apparent that Ric Flair was not going to show up. Oh, and they spell Windham’s name wrong in the pre-match graphic. Because WCW. And the belt appears to be an old Western States title belt with “World Heavyweight Champion” superimposed via cheap gold plate. Because WCW. And now the hostility really starts from the crowd, as they unload with both barrels because WE WANT FLAIR. Man, that Flair, what a petulant child, leaving like he did just because Jim Herd wanted to cut his pay in half and dress him like a gladiator. So on the bright side, people liked Lex Luger, so at least they’d have a top babyface after this, right? They do the feeling-out and this crowd is just ready to HATE the match like they’re John Cena and Randy Orton. Slugfest and Windham gets a backdrop but the crowd would really rather see Flair. They continue having a match and Windham goes up with a flying elbow that misses, but Luger comes back with the clotheslines for two. The cage has played absolutely no part in the match thus far, by the way. Powerslam sets up the Torture Rack, but Windham manages to use the ropes and counter out, then hits a backdrop suplex as the crowd starts to get into it against their will. They fight to the top and Windham fights him off and follows with a top rope clothesline for two. Back to the top and a missile dropkick gets two. And now one of the great miscalculations in WCW history, as Harley Race and Mr. Hughes head to ringside, and Luger piledrives Windham for the pin and the title at 12:20. This was apparently supposed to be a heel turn for Luger, but fans cheer it anyway. And Luger of course went to be a giant flop as heel champion before leaving for the WWF in 92. Match was pretty decent despite the atmosphere and hostile crowd. But really, a heel turn in a main event where you should send the angry fans home happy? *** The Real Main Event: Missy Hyatt & Rick Steiner v. Paul E. Dangerously & Arn Anderson Thankfully, Paul is the one to break out the Zubaz and thus confim that it’s 1991. This was also pretty mind-boggling as the Maryland commission didn’t actually allow mixed gender matches so Missy wasn’t allowed to have any real involvement in the match. And indeed, Murdoch and Slater kidnap her, thus leaving Rick at a disadvantage. Without, you know, Missy Hyatt to depend on. They actually try a match for some reason, with the heels double-teaming Rick for a bit, but he quickly finishes Paul E. with a clothesline at 2:00. Pretty sure half the crowd had emptied out by then anyway. DUD JR & Tony recap all the carnage to end things. Tony notes that they’ve made a statement tonight. Oh, that they did. The Pulse Gotta say, it was bad no doubt, but not the giant flaming car wreck I remember from the 90s. I have actually seen much worse shows and would downgrade this one from Worst Of All-Time like it usually gets. It’s legendarily bad, sure, but the crowd was into some of the stuff and some of the guys were trying at least. It’s at best #2 behind Heroes of Wrestling on the list of most atrocious crapfests ever put on PPV. Now there’s some exuberant praise for you.

Cucch’s Book Review: “Dusty: Reflections of Wrestling’s American Dream.”

Is he really too sweet to be sour daddy, if you will? Read on…

Dusty Rhodes has an undeniable legacy in the annals of professional wrestling. He is a man who took a thimbleful of athletic skill and look, mixed it with a metric shit ton of charisma, and created one of the most legendary characters wrestling has ever seen. Virgil Riley Runnels Jr. created the monster that became, arguably, one of the biggest babyface draws in the history of North American wrestling, “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes. That fact alone should have made this book a slam dunk, a no brainer, for any wrestling fan…any fans collection would be incomplete without the complete story of one of wrestling’s most legendary figures, a man who truly transcended the sport. It should also serve as Dusty’s coda of sorts, as Dusty is not only a man among boys when it comes to his on screen exploits, but behind the scenes as well, and not necessarily in a good way. WWE announcers like to say John Cena is “the most polarizing figure in the history of WWE” simply because they book him like shit, like some unbeatable Superman in an era where people are not looking for it. Well, where Cena is booked to fail, Big Dust booked HIMSELF to the moon, to the detriment of several, and for that he remains probably the single most polarizing figure in the history of modern wrestling. So one would think he would take a step back, show some humility, and explain exactly where he was coming from during his years atop the wrestling landscape.

You could not be more wrong in your assessment or assumption.

Dusty Rhodes autobiography, for this assessors worth, has to be one of the worst written, most egotistical pieces of trash I have ever read. I read the book about a year ago, when I was still very much in a rhesus monkey recovering state, and hated it. I recently read, and reviewed, his son’s book, and thought to myself, “Well, maybe I gave one of the biggest draws in the history of the business the short end.” So I bought it…repeat, BOUGHT it, with my hard earned cash at the bookstore down the street from my now former employer. I bought it three weeks ago, along with David Shoemaker’s new book and Gary Michael Capetta’s book. I rifled through Shoemaker’s book, which is basically Scott’s “Buzz on Wrestling” on crack, and through Capetta’s book, in 3 days each. Both great books, both reviews to be forthcoming. But Dusty’s book stuck in my craw. A lot of people are wont to deride Bret Hart’s book as thoroughly egotistical…listen, I get that. He overstates his place in the landscape of wrestling. But he always knocks himself down a few pegs at the right opportunity, and it is well written without the aid of a ghostwriter. Dusty’s tome is…just…wow. Firstly, it is not particularly well written. Which is amazing seeing that Dusty ranks as one of the top stick men of all time. Sure, not the most educated, but Dusty, on screen, always made his point, always crystallized what each angle he was involved in boiled down to. Here, in his book…you read a passage and you need to read it back five or six times to make sure you read it correctly. But that is hardly the only gripe you get here. No sir. Dusty also has a very high opinion of himself. While that is common in most wrestling books, most of the authors realize their mortality or limitations or…just…something. Dusty, not him. In his mind, he was the biggest babyface ever (he may not be far off in that assessment). He is always harping on separate eras of wrestling, which he calls “Yellow Finger” and “Pre Yellow Finger.” Basically, Yellow Finger refers to Hogan’s WWF run in the 80’s and the foam fingers WWF marketed for him as merchandising. Dusty maintains he was Yellow Finger before Yellow Finger…which is true…and the whole first half of the book is Dusty explaining how huge he was, who he may or may not have partied with, and why he is God’s gift to the industry. Now, normally, I come to expect that in most wrestling books, as most wrestlers have a very high opinion of themselves, and their contributions to the history of the game. But this is an instance where it reaches critical mass, as Dusty unapologetically rambles on and on and ON about his legacy and how it is criminally underrated. And to an extent it is, but to any fan worth their salt, it isn’t. Its false bravado just for the sake of false bravado, whereas Dusty needs no reason for false bravado. He is a legend, realized as such, and the fact that he feels compelled to share his dick size throughout the book is actually quite sad.

The good portions of the book usually revolve around Dusty’s exploits with Dick Murdoch as the Outlaws, and his marriage to his second wife, Michelle. Those portions are quite good. The wrestling portions are downright delusional though. Testimonial after testimonial from former wrestlers/managers/acquaintances only serve to blow Dusty’s Hindenberg size ego to ridiculous levels, and make for a tough reading experience. Dusty basically glosses over the glory years of Crockett in order to make sure the reader knows that Crockett folding and selling to Turner was not his fault at all, no sir, it was the corporate higher ups. Dusty passes more bucks than Donald Trump to the folks at Neilsen. Its actually quite pathetic. The polka dot years in WWF? Four pages. His last WWF angle with his son and Ted DiBiase (an awesome angle, by the way)? Four pages. His altercations with Bianca Jagger and the denizens who inhabited Studio 54 in the 70’s and 80’s? Dozens of pages. While he does recover towards the end of the book in describing Cody’s progress, the previous 200 pages render that point moot.

So is this book pure shit? Yes. Does Dusty come off as worse than he did before writing it? HELL YES. But it is worth reading, as most fans are not going to believe the level of egotism and condescension experienced here. I give the book my full negative review, call it the Kennel in a Cell review, but at the same time, track it down and judge for yourself. It is a very interesting character study in self delusion.

Great American Bash 1998

Great
American Bash 1998
Date:
June 14, 1998
Location:
Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance:
12,810
Commentators:
Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan
Reviewed by Tommy Hall
We’re
at the big summer PPV which originally gave us everything between the
first War Games and the worst major PPV of all time, so it’s hard to
say what to expect here. There’s a double main event with Sting vs.
Giant for control of both tag titles and an actual tag match of
Hart/Hogan vs. Piper/Savage with Piper and Savage agreeing to fight
each other after it’s over. Hopefully the lower part of the card can
save the top guys again. Let’s get to it.

The
opening video is a seizure inducing series of videos of the people in
almost all the matches with various patriotic symbols in between.
The
announcers talk about the main events a bit.
Gene
talks about the Giant vs. Sting tag title match. Apparently Giant
will pick Disciple if he wins both belts. That’s quite the team.
Now
the announcers preview match #7 (really 8th) match in the
Booker vs. Benoit series. We get a video of the original seventh
match from Thunder where Bret Hart tried to give Benoit the match but
Chris didn’t want to win it that way. Booker agreed to another match
tonight, winner take all.
Booker
T vs. Chris Benoit
The
winner gets a TV Title shot tonight against Finlay. Feeling out
process to start with Benoit hooking a very quick armdrag to take
over. Booker might have a bad knee coming in after the match on
Thursday but he comes right back with an armdrag of his own. Benoit
bails to the floor and it’s right back to a standoff a few seconds
later. Booker grabs a hammerlock to take Chris down before hooking a
half nelson into a rollup for two. Benoit fights up and cranks on a
hammerlock of his own, only to be elbowed in the face.
Benoit
is sent into the corner and peppered with more forearms before
charging into a boot to the jaw. Chris will have none of that and
takes out the bad knee with a dragon screw legwhip to get his first
real advantage. They head to the corner for some WOO inspiring chops
from the Canadian before he elbows Booker in the face for two. We
hit a chinlock on Mr. T. as Tony compares Booker vs. Benoit seven
times to Finlay fighting guys like High Voltage. There’s a snap
suplex for two on Booker as things slow down a bit.
Benoit’s
belly to back superplex is countered into a cross body for two but
Benoit comes right back by stomping Booker down and putting on
another chinlock. Booker fights up again but a hard knee to the
stomach puts him right back down. Benoit drapes Booker’s ribs across
the top rope for two but doesn’t seem sure how to follow up. Back to
the chinlock as the fans immediately start cheering for Booker again.
Off to a surfboard hold with Benoit’s knees in the back but Booker
fights up and scores with a powerslam.
T
goes up but Benoit steps to the side to avoid a spinning cross body
ala Samoa Joe in a nice counter. A Crossface attempt lands right in
the ropes so Benoit goes right back to the chinlock. Booker elbows
up and hits an enziguri to put Benoit back down. There’s the snap
spinebuster followed by a flapjack, allowing Booker to spin up. The
missile dropkick is broken up with Booker getting crotched on the
top, allowing Chris to superplex Booker down in a great looking
crash.
Neither
guy can immediately follow up though until Benoit gets a very delayed
cover for two. Here are the rolling Germans but Booker breaks it up
before the third. Instead Benoit busts out the dragon suplex for a
very near fall. Booker is sent into the corner and tries the
spinning sunset flip but Benoit is still in the middle of the ring in
a nice bit of psychology. Benoit suplexes him down again and hits
the Swan Dive but still can’t cover. Booker comes back with a side
kick to the back of the head, setting up the missile dropkick for the
100% clean pin.
Rating:
B. This would have been better
with a minute or two cut out to lower the chinlockery levels, but
even with them this was a great opening match and a perfect way to
fire up the crowd. It’s one of those matches where both guys come
out looking great though I would have liked to see Booker win more.
Still though, very few complaints here.
Chavo
is on the internet and says he needs the punishment that Eddie will
give him tonight.
Saturn
vs. Kanyon
I
believe this is Kanyon’s first match under that name. Someone comes
out in the Mortis gear but the real Kanyon sneaks in behind Saturn
and gets two off a rollup. A neckbreaker gets the same as Kanyon
starts fast. Saturn gets stomped down in the corner as Kanyon still
has his vest on. An electric chair into a faceplant gets two but
Kanyon has to deck Kidman off the apron. There’s a clothesline to
put Saturn on the floor as this is all Kanyon so far. Saturn trips
him up though and scores with a slingshot splash for no cover.
Kanyon
gets back up and hits a kind of Fameasser out of the corner as Lodi,
Riggs and Horace are all on the floor. Saturn kicks him to the floor
for a triple team from the Flock, followed by a BIG dive over the top
to put everyone down. Nick Patrick throws the Flock out and Kanyon
is whipped into the barricade (called the post by Tony) to injure his
ribs. Back in and Saturn kicks away at the head and puts on an ankle
lock. Off to something resembling Cattle Mutilation but Kanyon gets
his feet in the ropes.
Kanyon
is crotched on the ropes and a springboard clothesline from Saturn
puts both guys on the floor. Saturn throws a chair into the ring as
apparently this is Raven’s Rules. Perry uses the chair as a
springboard for a dropkick in the corner and a Sabu Triple Jump
Moonsault gets two. Saturn tries a sunset flip but gets caught in
midair with a northern lights suplex for a close two. Saturn comes
right back with a swinging neckbreaker for two of his own and we hit
the chinlock.
They
get back up with Saturn getting suplexed down and then dropped throat
first across the top rope. A jumping back elbow to the jaw puts
Saturn down and a fireman’s carry flapjack gets another near fall.
Kanyon’s downward spiral is countered into a half nelson suplex from
Saturn but the Death Valley Driver is escaped as well.
Saturn
kicks Kanyon in the face but he loads up a superplex instead of
covering. Kanyon fights back and both guys get crotched before
falling out to the floor. Cue the guy who played Mortis
earlier….and another guy in a Mortis mask as well. The Mortises
(Mortisi?) slug it out and brawl to the floor as Kanyon hits a quick
downward spiral for the pin.
Rating:
B. Take two guys who can do a
ton of moves in the ring and let them beat the tar out of each other
for fifteen minutes. The pair of masked guys near the end had me
worried but thankfully they didn’t do anything but throw Saturn back
inside. Kanyon had a ton of potential as the guy just showing off
every night but like everything else in WCW, that wouldn’t get very
far.
One
of the Mortises holds up Kanyon’s arm but pulls him into a DDT. That
one is Raven but we don’t get to see who is under the other hood.
Raven says Saturn had one job but couldn’t even do that right so
here’s the Flock for the big beatdown. Saturn will have none of that
though and fights them off, including a suplex for Raven.
To
recap so far, we’re about 45 minutes into this show and two of the
matches have been GREAT. You’ve had Benoit, Booker, Saturn and
Kanyon tearing the house down and firing the crowd up over a match
for a shot at the lower card title and a story that makes little
sense. These guys are tearing the house down, but how long would it
be before any of them got anywhere? Nearly two years, with Booker
and Benoit becoming world champions because the original choices for
champion were unavailable. It’s amazing what politics and idiocy can
do to a company.
We
recap Malenko vs. Jericho since Slamboree. Basically Jericho has
been demanding the title back because Malenko wasn’t announced as an
entrant in the battle royal and saying Dean was letting his dead dad
down. Malenko agreed to give up the title for a shot against
Jericho. Chris freaked out because he wanted to be handed the title
instead of having a match for it.
Cruiserweight
Title: Dean Malenko vs. Chris Jericho
The
title is vacant coming in. They stare each other down before
charging into a double clothesline. Jericho pops back up and hits
another clothesline to take over but Dean comes right back with a
German suplex. Malenko stomps Jericho down in the corner as Chris
screams like a coward. Jericho gets up a boot to stop a charging
Malenko before putting on a headlock. Malenko rolls out of a quick
Liontamer attempt and gets two off a suplex. Dean puts a knee in
Jericho’s back and pulls on his arms to give us more screaming.
Dean
whips him into the corner for a Flair Flip, but Jericho takes it two
steps further by hitting his head on the post and getting caught in
the Tree of Woe. Jericho falls out to the floor but slides back in
to hit a pescado to the floor to take over. Back in and a suplex
gets two for the blonde before it’s off to a sleeper. Dean fights
out but gets suplexed back down for another two.
Jericho
is getting frustrated at not being able to finish Malenko so he
chokes Dean on the top rope. A slam sets up the Lionsault but
Malenko rolls away to get a breather. Malenko comes back with a leg
lariat and a rolling cradle for two. A middle rope facejam out of
the corner gets another close two and Dean puts Jericho on the top.
Jericho is able to fight out of the super gutbuster and hook a top
rope hurricanrana. A very quick cover gets two for Chris but his
powerbomb is blocked by right hands.
Jericho
rolls through the cover into a regular Boston crab but Malenko
quickly makes the ropes. Dean tries to jump over Jericho in the
corner but gets caught in an Alabama Slam. Jericho still can’t hook
the Liontamer so Dean grabs the Cloverleaf. Chris gets to the ropes
even faster than Dean did and grabs a quick butterfly backbreaker.
Jericho slaps him in the face and says Dean is nothing, just like his
dead father. That’s enough for Dean and the brawl goes to the floor
where Malenko cracks Jericho with a chair for a DQ.
Rating:
B-. Logical but frustrating
ending aside, this is the third straight good match of the night.
Malenko snapping is a great thing to see and Jericho being forced to
shut up and wrestle is always worth a look. This feud has been
really solid and Jericho using his brain to take away Malenko’s calm
was really smart.
Dean
isn’t done and takes Jericho to the back, ramming him into various
things along the way. They go outside the arena with Jericho being
rammed into a mailbox. They get too near the traffic and security
steps in, so Jericho sprints across the street and into another
building. Jericho is announced as the winner via DQ.
Eddie
begs Chavo for forgiveness and for Grandma to get him out of this.
Juventud
Guerrera’s music starts but stops after a second so the announcers
can talk about Jericho having a claim to the Cruiserweight Title.
Video
on Juventud Guerrera who won’t give up. By this I mean him walking
around ancient ruins in Mexico.
Juventud
Guerrera vs. Reese
Standard
giant bully vs. scrappy little guy story coming into this. Guerrera
prays before the match starts and we get a LONG staredown. Juvy
tries a right hand but is easily sent backwards into the corner. He
charges right back and scores with some shots to the face but Reese
shoves him right back down. Guerrera bails to the floor and gets
Reese to chase him, only to slide back in and try a dive. Reese
pulls him out of the air and tosses Juvy back inside but the small
man kicks at the knee as Reese gets back in.
Reese
grabs Juvy by the head and holds him back to show just how much
bigger he is than Guerrera. Juvy goes up and tries a choke before
ripping at his face. Reese goes down to one knee where he still
comes up to Guerrera’s shoulders. The big man finally just drops
back to crush Juvy and the beating begins. There’s a backbreaker
with Juvy being bent over Reese’s knee like a toy.
A
HUGE beal sends Guerrera across the ring and Reese stands on his hair
and pulls on Juvy’s arms. There’s the bearhug with Reese shaking
Juvy around like he’s made of paper. Reese lets him go so Juvy kicks
him low a few times, which is legal since Reese is in the Flock ala
Saturn earlier. In a smart move, Reese drops down to a knee to punch
Juvy in the face.
A
vertical suplex puts Juvy down but he climbs up the referee to beat
the ten count. Now Reese gets a chair but referee Charles Robinson
pulls it away. Juvy goes up top for a hurricanrana but gets caught
in midair. Lodi has the referee for no apparent reason and Van
Hammer pops up to blast Reese with the chair, allowing Juvy to flip
him over (even more awkwardly than you would imagine) and get a pin
with Reese’s shoulders only about four inches off the mat.
Rating:
C+. They were THIS close to
hitting this out of the park but the ending didn’t quite work. The
hurricanrana looking terrible and the pin being a disaster brings
this down but that’s about its only problem. They had the crowd
right where they wanted them and could have blown the roof off if the
underdog won like he should have. Hammer coming in was fine as if
Juvy overcomes too much it becomes comical which is the wrong idea.
This was a tightrope to walk and they almost pulled it off.
Eddie
Guerrero vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.
This
is the match I’ve wanted to see more than any other after seeing the
buildup. Eddie tried to turn Chavo into an Eddie clone and kept
tormenting Chavo when he couldn’t get it right. Chavo finally
snapped and completely turned the tables on Eddie, sending his uncle
running scared. Chavo is all ticked off to start and slaps Eddie in
the corner, causing the uncle to pound him in the face. Eddie takes
him down with a trip but Chavo gets on top and pounds away with right
hands.
Back
up and Chavo rushes at Eddie but gets dropped face first on the top
turnbuckle. Eddie misses a charge into the post though and Chavo
rams him into all three buckles in a corner a total of about 15
times. Chavo drags him around the ring by the hair and dropkicks him
down, sending Eddie out to the floor. He tries to walk out but Chavo
is still ticked off. They head back in where Eddie kicks the rope
into Chavo to take over.
Back
in and Eddie works on the arm for a bit before sending Chavo to the
apron. The nephew goes up top and tries a flip attack but lands on
his feet, only to run across the ring and go up top for a moonsault
press, good for two. Eddie sends him right back into the corner and
out to the floor as this has been very physical for the first six
minutes or so. Back inside and a brainbuster puts Chavo down, but
Eddie slaps him in the face to make Chavo snap again. Chavo chases
Eddie around the ring until Eddie gets back inside and hides behind
the referee.
The
distraction lets Eddie get in a shot to the knee and Chavo stops
cold. A dropkick to the knee sends Chavo down in a heap so Eddie
puts on a figure four. Eddie yells at the fans and lets the hold go
before putting on the Gory Special. Again Eddie lets go of the hold
and kicks Chavo in the face to set up a camel clutch. The fans chant
for Goldberg so Eddie lets go of the hold to act as a conductor.
There’s an over the shoulder backbreaker but Eddie spins him around
and drops Chavo down to the mat for no cover.
Chavo
blocks a slam and LAUNCHES Eddie over the top in a backdrop. A big
running dive completely misses Eddie as Chavo jumps too high but it
looked great. Now the fans want Flair because a good match with a
good story isn’t good enough for them anymore. Back in and a bulldog
gets two for the nephew but he takes WAY too long setting up a frog
splash, allowing Eddie to shake the ropes to bring him down. Eddie’s
frog splash misses though but he still blocks a tornado DDT. Chavo
is sent to the floor so he springboards back in for a tornado DDT and
the stunning upset pin.
Rating:
B. I can’t believe I’m saying
this but this has been an AWESOME show so far with good match after
good match. This was the perfect blowoff to the story with Chavo
showing he was learning the entire time, but not in the way Eddie was
hoping for. He’s gone from a generic cruiserweight to an interesting
character who just pinned a former US Champion clean. Good stuff
here, as has been the case all night.
We
get the Piper vs. Savage confrontation from Nitro to remind us that
the last hour and forty five minutes of awesome are going to be
brought down into the abyss very soon. Given that there are five
matches left and about an hour to go, things are about to get very
screwy in a hurry.
TV
Title: Booker T vs. Fit Finlay
Booker
doesn’t have any elbow pads or gloves on here which is a weird look
for him. There’s an undefined extended time limit over the usual ten
minutes here. Booker sends him into the buckle to start followed by
an awkward looking clothesline. A kick to the face gets two for
Booker but he misses an enziguri, allowing Finlay to hook a leg lock.
Back up and Finlay forearms his way out of a headlock, only to have
Booker come back with a flying forearm for two.
Some
chops put Finlay on the floor but he comes back in to block an ax
kick and go after the leg again. There’s a half crab followed by a
regular crank on the leg to keep Booker in trouble. Finlay slams the
knee onto the apron and wraps it around the ropes for good measure.
Booker comes back with the spinning sunset flip out of the corner for
two, only to have the champion come back with another leg crank. He
wraps Booker’s knee around his neck ala the Brock Lock before going
off to a kind of half Liontamer.
Booker
rolls away and just pounds Fit in the head with right hands, only to
have Finlay come right back with a shin breaker and another leg hold.
They head outside again where the referee has to stop Finlay from
getting a chair. The knee is wrapped around the post and Finlay hits
a Vader Bomb for no cover. Instead he yells at the crowd and kicks
Booker’s knee even more but stops to yell at the fans.
Booker
comes back with a spinwheel kick and a powerslam before hitting the
ax kick. He spins up so Finlay clotheslines him inside out. The
tombstone from Finlay is countered into an AWFUL looking sequence
where Booker was supposed to backflip into a tombstone of his own,
but instead he fell down and got covered for two. Back up and Finlay
misses a charge into the “post”, allowing Booker to hit a
kneeling piledriver (Finlay was facing forward but Booker dropped to
his knees like a tombstone) for the pin and the title.
Rating:
D+. And there goes the really
good match streak. The match wasn’t horrible but you can only watch
Finlay lay on Booker’s leg and pull on the ankle so many times in
thirteen minutes. The ending was HORRIBLE too with the sequence
being botched and the ending coming out of nowhere. Also Booker not
selling the knee at all after coming in with a bad knee and having
Finlay work on it for ten minutes was inexcusable. I think everyone
knew Booker would win here after taking the series, which made him
look like a star.
US
Title: Konnan vs. Goldberg
Hennig
and Rude are with Goldberg’s dinner tonight. Goldberg is now from
Parts Unknown instead of Atlanta. To say the place has gone nuts is
an understatement. Konnan is easily shoved to the floor and wants to
know what that was. Back in and Goldberg grabs a headlock followed
by a botched roll thru into a legbar. Konnan grabs a rope and gets
two feet up in the corner to stop a charge. Not that it matters as
the spear and Jackhammer make Goldberg 100-0.
Post
match Hennig and Rude turn on Goldberg and join the Black and White.
That’s the best move as neither of the fit with the Wolfpack at all.
Luger and Nash come out for the save.
I’m
going to pause for a minute here and recommend that you go do
something else. So far this has been an excellent show with logical
booking, good matches and hard work from almost everyone involved.
No more good can come from the remaining parts of this show. You
would be better off being stuffed inside a bag and beaten with large
wooden clubs. I might recommend going to a blind dentist with
Parkinson’s Disease for a root canal. Or better yet just go watch
the first two hours of this show again. Don’t say I didn’t warn you
if you keep going.
Roddy
Piper/Randy Savage vs. Hollywood Hogan/Bret Hart
This
is the real main event though we’ve been promised Savage vs. Piper
post match as a “bonus”. Savage is Wolfpack, Hogan is Black and
White, Hart is technically NWO but never made it official and Piper
is one of the last heroes remaining in WCW. He might be the only one
in the main event picture actually. Sign in the crowd: Savage/Piper
vs. Hart/Hogan: WELCOME TO JURASSIC PARK!
To
the shock of no one, it’s a stall fest to start. It’s Hogan vs.
Piper to get us going but Roddy spits at Bret. Hogan backs into the
corner so Piper calls time out before jumping him for our first
contact about two minutes in. Hogan gets poked in the eyes and has
his bandana taken off to reveal a bald head. Off to Savage who rams
Hogan face first into the buckle before it’s back to Piper for some
biting and right hands.
Disciple
hits Piper in the back with the world title to give Hogan control.
Yeah remember the guy that has been beaten up like he’s in a Three
Stooges short is world champion. Bret gets the tag and hits a few
forearms before bringing Hogan back in for right hands. Piper
staggers around and won’t go down so Bret cheats a bit to get him on
the mat. Bret comes back in for a Russian legsweep and the middle
rope elbow for two.
Hogan
chokes Piper from the apron but Piper comes back with one of the
worst small packages ever. He flails his arms and tags Savage which
doesn’t count for no apparent reason so Hart puts on a front
facelock. Piper makes another tag which doesn’t count due to Patrick
not seeing it, allowing for another double team. Savage comes over
with a chair and puts it on Piper’s chest so Bret’s headbutt hits
steel.
The
hot tag brings in Savage and the pop from the fans pales in
comparison to pretty much any given pop of the night so far. Hart
and Hogan stop Savage pretty easily, only to have Hogan deck Hart by
mistake. Everything breaks down and Savage goes up for the elbow,
only to have his knee give out. Hogan and Piper head outside where
Hogan wraps Savage’s leg around the post. The Sharpshooter goes on
and Savage is done.
Rating:
F. I would pay big money to be
in the production meetings to hear Hogan and Bischoff explain why
Hollywood should be pushed so hard. These matches aren’t even
acceptable or decent. They’re absolutely horrid with no redeeming
value whatsoever and making the entire promotion look like a joke. I
can’t believe I’m saying this, but Hogan is coming off like the Honky
Tonk Man. He wrestles glorified comedy matches, gets destroyed for
good chunks of them and then survives through some sort of
shenanigan. I knew these matches were bad but I didn’t realize how
horrible they really were.
Since
that wasn’t enough though, IT’S A RODDY PIPER DOUBLE FEATURE!
Roddy
Piper vs. Randy Savage
Bret
still has Savage in the Sharpshooter when the bell rings so Randy is
pretty much done already. Wait or was that the closing bell for the
opening match? Gene comes in to talk to Piper but he helps Savage up
instead, only to have Macho punch Piper. Savage chokes him down and
actually hits the elbow but Piper, superhuman that he is, gets to
kick out at two. The referee gets punched out so Piper hits Savage
low and pokes him in the eyes. A figure four makes Savage quit for
the second time in five minutes with his finisher only getting two in
between. That’ll teach him for getting cheered.
Tag
Titles: Sting vs. Giant
So
if you haven’t been following the Nitro and Thunder reviews leading
up to this, you’re a schnook. Go read them now. Anyway, Sting and
Giant won the belts when Giant joined the Black and White. Sting
turned down an offer to do the same and is in the Red and Black, but
the titles were held up because Giant tried to replace him with Brian
Adams, leading to this match. The winner gets to pick his new
partner to be the tag champions.
Giant
smokes a cigarette on the way to the ring to get the fans to boo him.
He blows smoke in Sting’s face in the corner but misses a charge
into the corner, allowing Sting to fire off kicks to the ribs. The
Stinger Splash lands on a boot though and Giant sends him to the
floor. Back in and Sting’s cross body just bounces off of Giant so
he lifts Sting up into a gorilla press, LAUNCHING him face first into
the buckle. That looked awesome.
We
hit the bearhug for a good while as we’re almost out of PPV time.
Sting bites his way out of the hold and dropkicks the knee out. A
Stinger Splash to the back and one to the front have Giant in trouble
and there’s a slam for good measure. The Deathlock goes on but Giant
easily powers out of it. Instead a Death Drop gets two and Sting
blocks a chokeslam. Another Death Drop gets another two but a Death
Drop from the middle rope is enough for the pin and the titles.
Rating:
D+. It wasn’t a masterpiece but
this was better than most recent Nitro main events. This felt like a
dark match to send the fans home happy and there’s really nothing
wrong with that. It ends the stupid titles in two camps story and
lets Sting pick a partner later on. In a word, this was acceptable.
Overall
Rating:
B. If you cut out the
tag match and put in ANYTHING else, this is one of the best PPVs WCW
ever put on. Everything ranges between very solid to acceptable at
worst and most of the booking makes perfect sense. That tag match
really hurts it though because it’s just so horrid.
If
I were booking this show, I would have thought about putting Goldberg
on last. It’s a B-level show and the last match was just less than
seven minutes long and for the tag belts. Make Goldberg vs. Konnan a
five minute match for the US Title and do the Hennig/Rude turn the
next night on Nitro. On top of that it was to make him 100-0. That
would send them home happy. Shockingly good show here though,
embarrassing real main event aside.
Remember to check out my website at kbwrestlingreviews.com and head over to my Amazon author page with wrestling books for just $4 at:
http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Most American Wrestlers Countdown

Hey Scott,

In honor of U.S.A.'s Independence Day, I compiled a countdown of the most red, white, and blue style wrasslers in history. Sorry I missed out on July 1…


You have the Patriot at #10 in a list of patriotic wrestlers?  He's THE PATRIOT.  It's right there in his name!  I kid, I kid.

The Only Review of The Great American Bash 1989 That You’ll Ever Need

I’ve decided to take a trip through the classics. First stop, The Great American Bash 1989.

The video I got actually
has the pre-show on here, where they use to have the countdown and everything.
Awesome stuff. I’m actually into the pre-show, because it’s explaining the
feuds. I only know the deal with Ric and Funk. There’s an awesome, AWESOME moment
when Missy is talking shit to Gary Hart, Eddie Gilbert and Great Muta, and at
one point she says Hart is no man, so Muta sprays the green mist into her face,
and as she’s howling in pain, he just causally saunters around like “deal
with it, bitch.” Fantastic. Moving on to Luger and Steamboat, we see a
classic example of what I was talking about in my most recent Happy Hour article.
Luger turns on Steamboat and goes to get a steel chair. When the crowd
understands what’s abut to happen, you can literally hear people shrieking,
like Luger is about to use a monster truck as a catheter on Steamboat. The
Glory Days indeed. 

Battle Royal

So, everyone comes out with crowns. Get it, battle
royal? Man, you KNOW that bullshit was all Herd. I find this to be really
stupid because a good chunk of the undercard is involved, leaving one to ask: why
wouldn’t the people paired in matches just attack each other? Nothing
interesting happens, and it’s boring the hell out of me. 
The Skyscrapers win at around 9 minutes | *

Teddy Long gives an interview on behalf of his
tag-team, the Skyscrapers. How fitting, Teddy managing a tag-team. Good God, he
use to look like he had 75 teeth in his mouth, and each one was around 3 inches
long. He looks like the Goblin King or something. 

Brian Pillman vs. Will Bill Irwin

Bob Caudle, the announcer working with Ross,
states that “Brian Pillman has a real future, barring any serious injury.”
Sounds about right. The match starts off in Pillman’s favor, as he pulls off
about 5 drop-kicks. Irwin soon turns it to his favor, and he constantly taunts
Brian by screaming “C’mon, FLYIN’ Brian! Why don’t cha’ FLY! FLYIN’
Brian!” He’s actually rather entertaining. The two work together pretty
well, as Irwin is an old school type of guy. He’s not trying to do anything
flashy, he just wants to hurt you. Beating Pillman down, he keeps him there
with punches, kicks, suplexes and bodyslams. At one point, he actually grabs
Brian and throws him into the other ring. However, once he turns to jaw-jack
with the ref, Pillman flies from one ring to the other, splashing Irwin and
getting the three. A meat and potatoes opener that was hinged on the flashes of
Brian’s cruiserweight offense, and the entertaining Wild Bill, who wants to
know why the ref is bothering him when he’s simply trying to choke a man. 
Pillman hits the crossbody on Irwin for the pin at
10:18 | **3/4

They introduce Jason Hervey as a ring announcer.
What the hell? Wasn’t he also a guest judge for one of Flair’s matches? Too bad
he’s not in character, as I’d love to see him call someone a butthead. Wayne
was always the man. 

The Dynamic Dudes vs. The Skyscrapers

I grew up as a WWE guy, and only recently have I
been dipping into the NWA library, so this is the first time I’ve ever seen The
Dynamic Dudes, and wow. I once said the recent DX was the lamest tag team of
all time, yes, even lamer than the American Males. But The Dynamic Dudes? Holy
shit. They get some kid from the audience to throw a Frisbee with because it’s
dynamic. Spivey controls the first portion of the match, and it takes the
dynamic double moves of Shane & Johnny to get him off his feet. Once Sid
tags in you can hear from the crowd immediately that he isn’t long for tag teams.
Seriously, he tags out and within a minute the ENTIRE arena is chanting
“WE WANT SID!” Hopefully Spivey doesn’t feel too bad. The Cape Fear
remake is a few years away, just be patient. Sid back in for a moment, crowd is
happy. Sid tags out, and the crowd boos the hell out of that, starting another
“WE WANT SID!” chant. It’s pretty incredible that he wasn’t made
champion pronto. Finally, after having their asses kicked the whole match, John
starts getting some dynamic offense in, but Spivey cuts that short. He delivers
a power bomb, but with both of them being sweaty, John is damn near dropped on
his head, Pillman style. Very dynamic. The match was an extended squash, but
it’s worth seeing simply for the crowd’s reaction to Sid, it’s incredible. 
Spivey power bombs John for the pin at 9:14 | *3/4

We get an interview with Cornette about his tux
match. 

Paul E Dangerously vs. Jim Cornette – Tux Match

Heyman’s entrance music is the theme from
Halloween. That’s a great piece of music and I’m surprised other wrestlers
haven’t used it. Heyman quickly goes for the cheap heat by throwing
powder in Cornette’s eyes, followed immediately by beating up Corny’s knee with
his phone. Cornette said that before the match, he told Paul which knee it was
that was injured, so that way they could work Corny’s real injury into the
match. Well, Paul immediately forgot and kept beating the wrong knee, even
though Jim kept saying “Other knee! Idiot!” So, Paul just started
beating up both. Honestly, I usually hate these kinds of matches, but Paul and
Jim are both so good at what they do, with such passion and love for the
business that they make this really entertaining. The crowd is all sorts of
into it too. Easily the best tux match of all time, which I’m sure both Paul and
Jim are very proud of. 
Cornette strips off Paul’s tux for the win at 6:22
| **1/4

Gary Hart is interviewed, believing Muta will
continue his undefeated streak and take home the TV title.

Kevin Sullivan & Mike Rotunda vs. The Steiners
– Texas Tornado Match

The Steiners come out to Welcome To The Jungle,
which blows away their eventual “Steiner Line!” theme, second only to
Sting as the lamest music in WCW history. The match doesn’t last long, but what
we get is one of the harder-hitting matches I’ve ever seen. No surprise when
you’ve got The Steiners in there, but Sullivan and Rotunda are giving as good
as they get. A lot of mayhem in a short period, all chalking up to a decent
brawl. 
Scott hits a flying crossbody on Sullivan, pinning
him at 4:22 | **

We get an interview with The Stinger. He respects
Muta, and delivers one of the blandest promos of all time. 

The Great Muta vs. Sting [C] – WCW TV Championship

The crowd goes insane for Sting. This match has
without a doubt the most exciting first few minutes I’ve ever seen. From Sting
jumping from one ring to another and off the top-rope clotheslines, to Muta’s
flips, kicks and moonsaults. It really needs to be seen to be given justice,
it’s great. This match was all about speed, cramming a 20-minute match into
almost 9 minutes. However, it wasn’t quick just for the sake of it. Muta was
bringing it to Sting as hard and as fast as he could, with Sting having little
to no problem keeping up, and throwing it right back in the Great One’s face.
Superb stuff that definitely was not seen during this time. The end sees Sting
hitting Muta with a belly to back suplex and going for the pin, only for the
ref to count three despite Muta having his shoulder up. He and Gary Hart run
off with the belt while the crowd chants bullshit. 
Sting & Muta are both counted down at 8:40 |
***3/4

Luger does an interview where he says the DQ rule
must be waived, or no match at all. 

Ricky Steamboat vs. Lex Luger [C] – WCW US
Heavyweight Championship

The crowd seems to be chanting “Steroid
freak!” at Luger. I find that funny, considering backstage he was probably
comparing brands of Winstrol with Steamboat. Ricky tries to put away Luger
quick, and when that doesn’t happen, he goes for some quick offense, only for
Luger to simply cut that BS off with a knee lift to the face. From this point
on, neither one holds momentum for very long, as they beat the hell out of one
another at every given opportunity. The end sees Luger bring a chair in, which
Steamboat turns on him in one of the worst examples of business exposing.
Regardless, Steamboat gets a hold of that chair and goes ape shit. He throws
the ref Tommy Young to the outside and pummels Luger. Pretty cool to see
Steamboat actually lose control. I didn’t love this as much as others, because
I felt it really would have benefited from an extended finishing sequence.
Still some good stuff. 
Steamboat is DQ’ed at 10:26 | ***3/4


The Freebirds are interviewed, and they look
absolutely RIDICULOUS. This whole promo is like the zenith of why pro-wrestling
is made fun of. 

Wargames – Freebirds & Samoan Swat Team vs. Road
Warriors, Midnight Express & Dr. Death

Seriously, what the fuck is up with the Freebirds?
Who the HELL is gonna be afraid of two guys in fingerless, white satin forearm
length gloves, golden sequin tank-tops and white spandex pants? I’d be afraid
that they’d think I was really cool, and keep pestering me to join their
Cinderella tribute band. It’s Jimmy and Bobby starting. Bam Bam comes in next,
followed by Dr. Death. The Doctor is wearing yellow trunks and boots with red
knee pads. Are you kidding me? That’d be like me heading to the ring with a
giant sequin cape that said Acho Man. I will give Doc his due, as he military
presses Bam Bam 8 times. Samu is next to enter. Well, technically Jimmy
Garvin’s perm is next, as it’s triple the size it was. Animal is now in for the
good guys. Fatu soon follows. Sweet Stan is after that, PS and Animal are the
last for their teams. I gotta say, I’m disappointed there’s no blood. That’s
the whole point of the War Games. From here on out, it’s what you expect,
without any blood. I found it to be a pretty enjoyable brawl, but you can tell
the difference between The 4 Horsemen and The Freebirds and Samoan Swat Team.
There was never any doubt that The Road Warriors team were coming out on top. 
Road Warrior Hawk causes Garvin to submit with a
Hangman at 22:18 | ***1/2

Ric Flair interview. It’s incredible what they
did. Funk destroyed Flair and what did they do? They kept Ric off of TV, and
kept him from wrestling for two months. There’s absolutely no way that would
happen today. They would have had Ric back the next day, while Funk went on a
losing streak. 

Terry Funk vs. Ric Flair [C] – WCW World
Heavyweight Championship

Right off the bat, Flair gets the best of Funk
with chops and rights and lefts. Funk, being awesome, just loses his mind over
this, and people BELIEVE IT. I mean, you see a fan talking shit to Funk, but
then backs off when he sees Funk may try him. Oddly enough, at one point Funk
attempts to suplex Ric, and Ross calls it a piledriver. Later, Funk goes to
piledrive Ric, and Ross calls it a suplex. Flair starts working on Funk’s
receipt by working on his neck, at one point piledriving him, and causing Funk
to run in a circle like Homer with something written on the back of his head.
Flair soon slaps the Figure 4 on Terry, giving you reason to believe it’s almost
over, but then Funk turns the tide when he smashes Ric with the branding iron,
busting Flair open. He soon has Ric in the center of the ring, dropping him
with neckbreakers, and screaming at Flair to say I quit, while Gary Hart
screams “Get the pin! Get the pin!” He doesn’t want the pin, he wants
Ric to quit. He doesn’t just want the title, he wants Flair’s dignity, it’s
awesome stuff. That’s a heel. He eventually gets busted open with his own
branding iron at the hands of Flair. Ironically, despite the old school
brutality of the match, it ends with a roll up on Flair’s part. It’s a hell of
a match, one that I prefer to their I Quit from Clash. They went out there and
showed you that you don’t need weapons, and light-bulbs, and all sorts of other
shit to create a brutal atmosphere. You need a purpose and passion. 
Ric Flair defeats Terry Funk with the roll up
at 17:23 | ****1/4

Afterward, Muta shows up to help Funk pummel the
hell out of Flair. Sting eventually shows up, giving us our main event for
Havoc. It’s great because they keep brawling all over the arena. Even when Ross
and Bob are doing their wrap-up, the 4 of them just come raging by with Flair
swinging Funk’s branding iron. Awesome. 

Showcase Showdown: For all the people who claim
that this PPV is the greatest of all time, I can’t fault them. It’s a damn good
show. From top to bottom, I was entertained with everything. It delivered
beyond my expectations. Now, I didn’t love it as much as some, but the
difference is negligible, really. The main event really delivered, and was
easily the highlight for me. Flair and Funk went out there and kicked the hell
out of each other, really selling the fact that they both wanted each other
dead. Fantastic stuff. For the few out there who were like me and hadn’t seen
the show, it’s definitely worth it. For those feeling lazy, then I recommend
just watching Flair vs. Funk, it’s fantastic and unfortunately gets lost in the
shadow of their I Quit match. The PPV’s subtitle is The Glory Days, how
appropriate.

As always, much respect and adulation to my editor, Steven Ferrari. I met Steven when I was young.. H couldn’t have been more than 28 or 29 at the time, but he was already a legend. He’d walk in the door and everybody
who worked the room just went wild. He’d give the doorman $100 for opening the door.
He’d shove hundreds in the pockets of the dealers and guys who ran the
games. I mean, the bartender got $100 for keeping the ice cubes cold.Str8 Gangster, No Chaser
– I’ve started a new article series known as Man Etiquette, so you’ll
know how to act in certain situations, I pay tribute to the burliest of
the burly from the 8-bit era, talk
about people who shouldn’t use the internet [all of them], Saved By The
Bell
Archives, Comic Book Films You Didn’t Know Were Comic Book Films, plenty
of other goods.
WCW In 2000
– Recently updated with the infamous Bash at the Beach 2000. You know
what’s shocking? The PPV is GOOD. No joke, it’s seriously good, and
features the best match of WCW’s 2000 year so far.
Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1
– NOW ONLY 99CENTS! THAT’S LESS THAN A DOLLAR! My book about action films. Endorsed by Scott Keith & Maddox, as
well as well as fellow BoD’ers The Fuj & Kenny Chill. 5 star average on amazon.
Board for the BoD’ers – We average about 50 people a day stopping by, a constant cast of people posting, and you can talk about anything you want. 

Any requests, questions, comments, send’em to [email protected]

– Caliber Winfield

Anti American Gimmicks

Eh, he'll be fine.  He's already an elite worker and they like him enough to keep him protected.   It's not like a Brodus Clay deal where the character has a a two month shelf life and they get bored with it.  Cesaro has real goods behind this and they clearly know it.

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: "David Tramonte" <[email protected]>
Date: Jan 14, 2013 11:11 PM
Subject: Anti American Gimmicks
To: "Scott Keith" <[email protected]>
Cc:

Can Antonio Cesaro move on to something better for his career after doing this run with an Anti U.S. gimmick? And before you answer think of the careers of the following people after they tried to transition from the same "anti America" schtick:

Iron Shiek, Sgt Slaughter, Volkoff, Koloff, Ludvig Borga, Muhammad Hassan, La Resistance, Lance Storm and countless others.

I think you can even make a case that Bret Hart's career suffered a bit from trashing US audiences and then expecting them to just go about cheering him again. (90% of his career downfall was the fallout from Montreal and WCW's stupidity with not knowing what to do with him but I think he would have had a hard time had he stayed in WWF trying to be a face again after destroying the US for an entire year.

Great American Bash 1997

Great American
Bash 1997
Date: June 15, 1997
Location: The MARK of
Quad Cities, Moline, Illinois
Attendance: 9,613
Commentators: Bobby
Heenan, Dusty Rhodes, Tony Schiavone
Reviewed by Tommy Hall
It HAS TO be better
than Slamboree. I mean it has to be. The main event here is Savage
vs. DDP in a falls count anywhere match. Also since last week’s
battle of the football players match went so well, we’re repeating it
here. Now one good thing about WCW at this point is that the matches
got time, as in the shortest match on this show is nine and a half
minutes long. On the other hand, the shortest match on this show is
nine and a half minutes long. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is
about AMERICA. DDP has chased the American Dream (not Dusty) which
is a nice idea actually.
We also have the
Outsiders defending against Piper/Flair.
Psicosis vs. Ultimo
Dragon
This is the revenge
match for Dragon after he dumped Onoo and Sonny brought in Onoo to
fight for him. Dragon sends him to the floor and the crowd is hot.
Back in Psicosis takes him to the mat but gets knocked to the floor
almost immediately. In the ring again Dragon tries a leapfrog but
Psicosis punches him out of the air. Dragon one ups him by dropping
an elbow on Psicosis as he hits the mat. There’s the handstand in
the corner and here come the kicks.
The crowd is WAY into
Dragon here. Psicosis takes over with a clothesline and walks around
a lot. The crowd energy alone is making this show feel better than
the previous one. Psicosis gets guillotined on the top rope but as
Dragon tries to dive on him he injures his knee. Sonny adds in some
kicks to keep Dragon down. Psicosis punches him into a 619 position
but with Dragon facing up. Psycho hits a guillotine legdrop down
onto the Dragon and barely misses the apron.
La Majistral gets two.
Dragon rolls to the floor and Sonny fires off more kicks, but this
time Dragon blocks him. He sets for a suplex but Psicosis makes the
save. Back in dragon hits some more kicks and almost knocks a horn
off of the mask. They both try rollups with Dragon kicking him into
the aisle where he hits the Asai Moonsault. That thing is gorgeous.
Tombstone in the ring gets two.
Psicosis gets sent to
the apron and comes back with a slingshot cross body to send Dragon
to the floor. HUGE dive over the top takes Dragon out. Back in
(I’ve been saying that a lot) Dragon rolls forward into a rana but it
gets countered into a sunset flip for two. Psicosis tries a
moonsault press but Dragon dropkicks him out of the air. Super rana
looks to set up the tiger suplex but he goes after Sonny instead.
The distraction lets Psicosis hit a springboard missile dropkick for
two. Dragon sends Psicosis into Sonny and the Dragon Sleeper gets
the tap out.
Rating: B.
I liked this one as they were flying all over the place. Dragon was
a lot better than I remembered him being and his last few matches
have probably been the best ones of the PPVs. I’m not sure why he
didn’t become a bigger star than he was in WCW, but maybe it was the
language barrier issue?
Harlem Heat vs.
Steiner Brothers
The winners are #1
contenders which makes me laugh. Stevie and Scott get us going and
it’s power vs. power. They collide off the ropes and no one moves,
so Scott hits him in the face with a forearm. When all else fails,
HIT HIM IN THE HEAD. Stevie kicks him in the face to take over.
Another boot misses so Scott throws him over in a suplex. The
Steiners clear the ring for a bit and Stevie wants Rick.
Ray pounds him down and
it’s off to Booker, but he wants Scott. Rick won’t leave so Booker
doesn’t get what he wants. Ok now he does and Scott shoves him into
the corner. Booker breaks up a test of strength and tries a
headlock. That gets him nowhere so he tries a full nelson. Scott
easily breaks it but takes a knee to the ribs to slow him right back
down. Butterfuly powerbomb gets one for Steiner.
Off to Rick again who
wants to brawl. The brawling doesn’t work so he goes to the Steiner
bread and butter of a suplex. Scott comes in for a gorilla press but
he jumps into a boot. Spinarooni sets up the Harlem Side Kick and
Booker clotheslines Scott and himself to the floor. Scott sends him
into the barricade to take over and they head back inside. Rick
comes in again and goes outside also, but this time Stevie powerslams
him on the floor to give Harlem Heat the advantage.
Rick is in trouble now
as Harlem Heat lulls Scott in. They hit a modified Hart Attack
(Harlem Side Kick instead of a clothesline) called the Big Apple for
a delayed two. Rick catches a kick into a powerbomb/suplex kind of
move to put both guys down. Hot tag brings in Scott and the ring is
cleared quickly. A top rope Frankensteiner puts Stevie down…and
here’s Vincent to hit Stevie so that the Steiners lose and the
Outsiders don’t have to face them.
Rating: D+.
This was pretty much a long TV match with a bad finish. It makes
sense on paper, but there wouldn’t be a tag title match, at least not
on PPV that I can remember. It was around this time that the titles
became a prop as without anyone defending them, the Outsiders being
called the best team made no sense. You had a bunch of teams that
wanted them which helped, but with the titles never being defended
they stopped meaning anything.
Vincent takes the
Steiner Bulldog post match.
Hugh Morrus vs.
Konnan
More fallout from last
month. Konnan is a rapper now. Brawl to start and Morrus takes over
with some forearms to the back. A running dropkick puts Konnan down
again. Hugh heads to the floor for no apparent reason and is slammed
into the steps. Back inside now for some chinlockery. Now it’s a
modified crab as this match slows way down. Morrus sends him to the
floor again to take over but then throws him right back inside.
Spinwheel kick
gets….Morrus sitting on his knees and then a cover for two. Now
off to a Fujiwara Armbar and a bad one at that. Gutwrench suplex
sends Konnan flying as they don’t like leaving holds on for that
long. Back to the armbar which Konnan easily breaks and doesn’t sell
at all. Clothesline sets up a stump puller of all things and then
off to a headscissors.
This is one of those
“let’s lay on the mat for most of this match” matches. Konnan
lets go of the headscissors and puts on a cross armbreaker. Morrus
won’t bother to sell it either so Konnan kicks him in the head.
Morrus is laying there so Konnan gives up on it and they get back up.
Back to the armbar attempt but Konnan escapes. A rollup goes badly
so Morrus loads up the moonsault but he stands there for an hour and
a half, allowing Konnan to crotch him. A bad Tequila Sunrise gets
Morrus to pass out instead of giving up.
Rating: F.
Oh MAN this was bad. They laid around a lot, they didn’t do anything
at all, NO ONE was selling anything and the story wasn’t interesting
at all. Nothing to see here at all and the match was just horrible.
This was one of those things that you forget about in WCW: horrible
midcard matches like these.
Gene talks about how
someone is having issues with his employer and might show up on Nitro
tomorrow. Someone was, they did show up on Nitro, it was in two
weeks, and his name was Raven.
Public Enemy doesn’t
like Harlem Heat.
Glacier vs. Wrath
Mortis is handcuffed to
the post here. Wrath takes him into the corner and fires off elbows
and chops but Glacier comes back with slaps of his own. Some kicks
send Wrath to the floor and there’s a dive over the top by Glacier.
I’m stunned by seeing him do more than just kicks and strikes. Still
on the floor and Wrath is sent into the steps. Things stay slow as
Glacier jumps off the apron for a shot to the back which gets two
back inside.
Corner splash misses
for Glacier and it’s in the corner Mortis is chained up in, so Mortis
trips him. Wrath loads up a powerbomb but drops back to hot shot
Glacier on the top rope. Off to the chinlock which eats up a little
time. Glacier gets up but misses a cross body and falls to the
floor. Back inside a top rope clothesline gets no cover. Glacier
tries to choke him but gets shoved back down.
A Vader Bomb elbow
misses and Glacier comes back with a backdrop. There’s a spin kick
and a jumping back elbow for two. A suplex puts Wrath down and he
goes up but gets crotched. A superplex puts both guys down but
Mortis gets up to distract the referee. James Vandenberg offers
distraction #2 and Mortis throws in a chain. Glacier catches it,
right hand, pin.
Rating: D.
This was one of those matches and feuds that just kept dragging on
and on and on. Ernest Miller was brought in last month and he didn’t
make things any better either. Nothing to see here other than a
filler match and not a very good one at that. I think this ended
soon after it though.
Glacier gets cuffed to
the rope and it’s a triple beatdown.
Women’s Title: Akira
Hokuto vs. Madusa
Title vs. career here.
We actually get a Candy Devine reference as WOMEN’S WRESTLING EXPERT
Lee Marshall talks about his AWA days. Hokuto starts in control and
sends Madusa across the ring by the hair. She chokes Madusa in the
corner and then in the middle of the ring. Total squash so far. Off
to a chinlock less than two minutes in. A piledriver kills Madusa
even further but she comes back with a reverse mat slam to take over.
There are a pair of
dropkicks which gets two. Marshall is talking about something called
Johnny Taco’s Gym in Las Vegas. Hokuto comes back with choking and a
slam/suplex kind of move. More choking follows and Hokuto shrugs off
a kick to the head. A modified suplex sets up a figure four attempt
but Madusa gets to the rope.
Madusa comes back with
a spin kick to the boobs and a series of kicks to the ribs. A small
package gets two for the champion. Madusa comes off the top with an
ax handle but blows her knee out in the process. Marshall again
talks about AWA women’s wrestling and an old injury from ten years
ago. Modified surfboard works on the knee some more as this match is
better than most of the others on the show so far.
Now it’s up to a full
surfboard and Madusa is in trouble. That gets released because it’s
a very hard hold to keep up and Hokuto goes up. Madusa comes back
with a Stratusphere and the suplex but the cover is delayed so it
only gets two. Another German suplex attempt is countered into a leg
bar.
One of the things you
don’t see very much in this company in this era is time between
moves. It’s just going from one move to another which takes a lot of
getting used to. The leg bar stays on for awhile and is followed by
a guillotine legdrop attempt but Madusa moves out of the way. German
Suplex gets two and it’s back to the knee. A top rope splash hits
knees but Madusa can’t do anything because of the knee. A Snow Plow
by Hokuto ends this. The retirement of course didn’t last.
Rating: C-.
This was the best match of the night probably other than the opener
but that’s not saying much. Just boring overall but the story of the
knee injury helped a lot. At the end of the day though, who cares
about the women’s division in this era anyway? This is the end of
the Women’s Title anyway.
With Madusa being taken
to the back and with her career being over, Gene pops up to say that
her career is toast and puts a mic in her face. The fans chant LEAVE
HER ALONE. This was a dick move even for Gene.
Chris Benoit vs.
Meng
This is another death
match, meaning you can win by submission or knockout. Benoit takes
it straight to the floor and chases Jimmy Hart off. Back in Benoit
immediately tries the Crossface but Meng lifts him up to break it. I
don’t think the hold was all the way on yet. Benoit tries it again
and this time gets it on, but Meng makes a rope and when you think
DEATH MATCH, you think rope breaks.
They slug it out and
Benoit escapes a powerbomb. Benoit suplexes him over the top and to
the floor which isn’t as impressive as it sounds. Back in Benoit
goes up with his back to the ring but Meng kicks the foot out and
Benoit is caught in the Tree of Woe. A kick to the face gets about
seven for Meng and a spinebuster gets about five. Kick to the face
is followed by a modified Dragon Sleeper but Benoit bites the hand to
escape. That’s smart.
The idea here is that
Benoit can’t hurt him but he keeps trying. Meng chops him down again
and hits a top rope splash for seven but Meng kicks him right back
down. Benoit is knocked to the floor but he reverses Meng into the
barricade. Back in the ring Benoit hits the German suplex to put
Meng down for eight. Benoit throws on another German because the
first one worked so well. This one gets about six.
Benoit kicks him to the
floor and….does nothing at all. Meng gets back in and hits an
atomic drop to take over. There’s the Death Grip but Benoit dives
over the top to break it up. They slug it out on the floor and Meng
takes over with a headbutt. Off to a chinlock as Dusty is talking
about breathing apparatuses. Heenan: “Well thank you Quincy.” A
suplex puts Benoit down but a middle rope splash misses.
The Crossface goes on
but Meng gets a rope. Benoit immediately puts it on again but Meng
makes the rope one more time. Meng pounds him down but gets caught
in a Dragon Screw Leg Whip and then the Crossface goes on for I think
the fourth time this match. This one is closer to the middle of the
ring too. After about a minute and a half Meng blacks out to give
Benoit the win. Dusty says this is an historic moment. How exactly
is this historic?
Rating: C.
Not bad but for the most part it was Meng not selling anything for
awhile until Benoit held him in the Crossface for forever. It wasn’t
bad but when I think DEATH match, I think something a little more
violent than this. It wasn’t bad but it’s being overblown a little
bit too much.
Post match they both
get taken out on stretchers. Why in the world would Benoit need
help? He had the Crossface on for like two minutes at the end. They
only have one stretcher so this takes awhile.
Watch Bash at the
Beach!
Kevin Greene vs.
Steve McMichael
Great. MORE football
players wrestling. Greene charges the aisle and it’s on quickly. He
mounts McMichael and pounds away so Steve heads to the floor. Mongo
pulls him to the floor and yells at some fans in Greene jerseys. Oh
it’s his parents. MAMA HITS HIM WITH A PURSE!!! Mongo stomps him
down coming back in and Greene is in trouble. He can sell better
than Meng can for what it’s worth.
Neckbreaker puts Kevin
down for two. Greene comes back with something like a Thesz Press
but charges into a backbreaker. Kevin takes him into the corner and
rains down punches but Mongo drops him and hits a dropkick for two.
Mongo hits him in the corner but Greene kicks him in the chest to
break it up. Top rope clothesline gets two.
Time for some choking
but Greene has to break it because of Mongo being in the ropes. A
big clothesline puts McMichael onto the floor and Greene follows him
for some stomping. A kind of Stinger Splash misses and Mongo chokes
some more. Here’s Jarrett with the briefcase but he hits Mongo in
the back of the head by mistake. Greene gets the easy pin.
Rating: D+.
It wasn’t as bad as the White match as Greene at least has a tiny bit
of experience. Mongo continues to be horrible though and the match
was bad as a result. The ending was more about pushing the Horsemen
split which had been going on for almost six months at this point.
Bad match but not terrible I guess.
Madusa is having her
knee looked at.
Tag Titles: Roddy
Piper/Ric Flair vs. Outsiders
So that #1 contenders
match last month really didn’t mean jack did it? Flair and Hall
start things off and there’s a toothpick to the face. Flair gets
punched down but comes back with chops to send Hall to the floor.
Back in Flair is Flipped in the corner and runs the apron right into
the big boot from Nash which gets two. Off to Big Kev who pounds him
down and gets a side slam for two.
Hall adds in some
cheating but the distraction lets Piper hit a low blow to bring in
Piper. Piper hooks a quick sleeper on Hall but it’s easily broken
and Hall crotches him on the top. With both guys down, Flair beats
up Syxx on the floor. Flair fights him up the alley as Piper gets
up. There’s no one to tag so it’s two on one. This was supposed to
tease a Flair heel turn. Off to hall who pounds away and slaps Piper
on the back of the head a lot. Roddy says bring it on but he gets
Nash instead, resulting in a bunch of knees to the ribs. Big boot
puts him down and it’s off to Hall for the Edge to retain.
Rating: D.
There was a lot of laying around for a lot of the match and the
ending was pretty stupid. Flair was supposed to turn heel but Piper
bailed to Hollywood so the turn didn’t go anywhere. This was nothing
of note and Flair going up the aisle with Syxx seemed pretty stupid
for Flair to do. The ending was more or less a squash anyway.
Diamond Dallas Page
vs. Randy Savage
Falls count anywhere.
Buffer calls it lights out, which has meant a bunch of things over
the years. Liz looks great tonight but Kimberly looks a bit better.
Page comes in through the crowd and it’s on. A quick cutter attempt
doesn’t work and Savage heads to the floor. Page dives on his but
the ribs are still bad so it puts both guys down. Back inside Page
takes him down with a clothesline and another off the top.
Back to the floor and
they go into the crowd with Savage in control. They fight up towards
a concrete wall and then through a door into the concourse. Page
gets a crutch and waits for Savage to come back through so he can
break the crutch over his back. Back to ringside with Savage hitting
something like a spinebuster to further mess with Page’s ribs. Page
gets a weapon somehow but Savage has powder to slow him down.
Page manages to hit him
with whatever he had and both guys are down. Savage gets up first
and takes the tape off of Page’s ribs. For no apparent reason he
piledrives the referee and Page has an opening. He hits a headbutt
but Randy goes right back to the ribs. A second referee comes out
and is tossed as well. Savage sends him to the floor and goes after
Kimberly but referee #3 (Nick Patrick) makes the save.
They fight up by the
stage and there’s a VIP picnic area which they destroy. Dusty freaks
out because there’s a barbecue pit. Page wins the battle of the
smoked meat and it’s back to the ring. Savage gets crotched on the
post and pancaked. The Cutter is countered by a jawbreaker and they
head outside again. Savage loads up a piledriver on the exposed
concrete but Nick Patrick makes the save and gets decked as a result.
Savage snaps (into it),
sending Patrick into the barricade and beating up a photographer.
Page comes back to send him into the steel and they go back in. A
low blow stops the Diamond Cutter but another attempt at it connects.
Both guys are down so here’s Hall. Page fights him off but Savage
clocks him with Hall’s belt. The Outsider’s Edge lets Savage hit the
elbow for the pin.
Rating: B-.
Pretty solid brawl here but at the end of the day, so what? It’s
certainly better than their Spring Stampede match and since Page won
the first one I have little problem with him losing here. The NWO
stuff was annoying but you knew it was coming. Pretty decent main
event though and certainly the best in months.
Overall Rating: C-.
Definitely the best of the trio here but still nothing all that
great. It’s light years ahead of Slamboree but then again what
isn’t? Hogan would be back the next month to actually wrestle on pay
per view but unfortunately it was with Dennis Rodman in a tag match.
Anyway, decent show here but there’s nothing worth seeing at all.
Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and check out my website at kbwrestlingreviews.com

July PPV Countdown: WCW Great American Bash / Bash At The Beach 1996

TWO, TWO, TWO rants for the price of one! With all the rhetoric from WCW about how the nWo just might reform on Sunday, we might as well head back to when they formed for the first time, as WCW puts on one of the best one-two punches in PPV history with the famous Bash-Bash combo of 1996. ROLL FILM! – Part One: The Retro Rant for Great American Bash 96 – Sgt. Craig Pittman presents the American flag to start out. – Live from Baltimore, Maryland. – Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Dusty Rhodes. Tony offers condolences over the death of Dick Murdoch, and Dusty blows it off. – Opening match: Fire & Ice v. The Steiner Brothers. Fire is eventual nWo B-teamer Scott Norton, and Ice is the big fat black guy Ice Train, aka Jeff Jarrett’s limo driver. Special stipulation: There must be a winner. I wish that stip was in all matches. Juice Train controls Scott with some power stuff to start. He’s really, really, terrible, btw. Think D-Von Dudley on juice. (D-Von did get a lot better.  Although I have to wonder what “D-Von Dudley on juice” is supposed to be compared with.  D-Von NOT on juice?)  Norton gets on my nerves by no-selling a bunch of Rick’s stuff. Rick hits a killer clothesline and belly-to-belly for two, however. Scott tags in and hurts his shoulder to become Ricky Morton. Crowd is getting into it for some reason. Scott comes back and nearly does the world a huge favor by breaking Norton’s neck on a backdrop suplex. Oh well, maybe next time. Norton comes back by no-selling some stuff to move into his only useful mode: Offense. Anyway, Rick gets the hot tag, but Fire & Ice end up hitting their powerbomb splash combo for two. Scott makes the save. They go for a Doomsday Device, but Scott makes the save again. Steiners get the super bulldog but Train makes the save. Scott hits a massively ugly Frankensteiner on Norton for the pin. No resting makes Scott happy. **1/2 – Mean Gene interviews Kevin Sullivan, who runs down Brian Pillman. – US title match: Gonnad v. El Gato. El Gato is of course Spanish for “Pat Tanaka”. This was absolutely the low point for the US title, as Gonnad brought the luchadores into WCW and was given a heatless run as the US champion as his reward.  (Yeah, well, the ends justify the means, I say.)  This is also, by the way, exactly the reason why I hate him so much. (But his radio show is pretty entertaining.)  This is a boring mismatch as Gato controls with some dull submission moves. The first big spot comes as Gato is on the ring apron and Gonnad sunset flips to the floor, thus powerbombing Gato on the floor. He must have injured himself badly on the move, because we go into the ring FAST and Gonnad finishes it with a rollup. *1/4 – Sting has a special message for Steven Regal. He was halfway between hyperactive goofball and long-haired weirdo at this point. He’s wearing pink and black facepaint…is this a secret plot with Bret Hart? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FOUND OUT! – Blood Runs Cold promo.  (See, they were running these promos all the way back in 1996!  Glacier didn’t even DEBUT until 97!  And you thought the WWE Network was a longshot.)  – Lord of the Ring match: Diamond Dallas Page v. Marcus “Not Buff” Bagwell. (Something something Gandalf.)  Bagwell was in the last vestiges of the American Males period before turning heel. Brawl outside the ring to start, and Bagwell controls when he get into the ring. Bagwell hits a nice pescado (standing slingshot over the top rope to a guy on the floor, for the benefit of someone who e-mailed me about it recently). Bagwell blows a move off the top and DDP takes over. I mean “blows” in the storyline sense, not the “smart” one, btw. Oh no, it’s the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF SEVERE DISCOMFORT! You can break a nail with that. Tilt-a-whirl slam for two. Bagwell comes back with a both-ways-atomic-drop combo. DDP’s exaggerated selling is ridiculous. Bagwell slingshots into the ring with a clothesline for two. I like Stan Lane’s version better. Bagwell runs into an elbow on a blind charge, and DDP gets a couple of twos with his feet on the ropes. Bagwell comes back again and tries the fisherman’s suplex, but it’s about 7 inches away from the ropes so DDP holds on to block, then applies the Diamond Cutter for the pin. Eh. **  (DDP was still a few months away from respectability as a worker yet.)  – Giant interview. Pretty clichéd stuff. – WCW Cruiserweight title match: Deano Machino v. Rey Mysterio Jr. This is Rey Jr’s debut. Tenay is doing commentary and notes that this is the first ever meeting between these two. Tony wonders if Rey can live up to the hype. Yeah, whatever happened to that Rey Mysterio guy, anyway? Slow matwork start, then we GO BABY GO! Rey armdrags Dean to the floor, then debuts his springboard dropkick. Beautiful sequence allows Rey to hit a sunset flip, but Dean rolls through and slingshots Rey out of the ring. Rey moves out of the way of a baseball slide. Dean viciously injures Rey’s arm and then goes to work. Rey walks to the top rope and dropkicks out of an armbar, then does a flip out of a powerbomb, only to get clotheslined for two. Malenko continues working on the arm as Tenay mentions Eddy Guerrero beating Jushin Liger to win the Best of the Super J tourney for 1996. Never did get a copy of that show, oddly enough. More vicious working on the arm. Tony begins a grand tradition by talking about the nWo (not called such yet) during a cruiserweight match. Sigh. Fans are getting restless with all the mat work. Malenko turns it up with a butterfly suplex for two, then goes back to the arm, pissing off the fans. Rey finally counters and sends Malenko to the floor, then nails a somersault tope to wake up the crowd. He springboards back in with a dropkick for two. They do a complex pinning reversal sequence that ends with Mysterio getting two. Mysterio gets the rana-rollup for two. Malenko catches him on the top rope, however, but Mysterio hits another rana off the top. Malenko goes for a tilt-a-whirl but Rey falls on top for two. Malenko powerbombs Rey and puts his feet on the ropes for good measure and gets the pin. Now *this* is the character that Dean needs to go back to. **** Great debut for Rey. – Big Bubba v. John Tenta. Bubba is dressed like a gay biker.  (Yeah… “dressed like”…) The issue here is that Bubba shaved half the hair of Tenta to boot him out of the Dungeon of Doom. Compelling stuff, folks. Yup. Yessiree. You betcha. Bubba was actually halfway motivated at this point. But then, half of sucky is still sucky. Tenta catches Bubba with a powerslam and gets the pin. –**  (A double death match.  Boo.)  – Mean Gene interviews Team Football: Steve MacMichael and Kevin Greene, along with wives Debra and whoever Kevin’s wife is. How unbelievably apropos for the bizarre world of wrestling that friggin’ DEBRA would become the biggest star of them all. – Falls Count Anywhere: Chris Benoit v. Kevin Sullivan. (Hey!  Why wasn’t this one on the Falls Count Anywhere DVD?)  The Horsemen were seemingly falling apart at this point, with Sullivan trying to recruit Arn Anderson for the Dungeon, and Pillman departing for the WWF. So Benoit took over for Pillman against Sullivan. We go fighting into the crowd right away, and fight up the stands. Boy, do you get the idea that these guys don’t like each other? Sullivan drags Benoit up the stairs and they fight into the men’s room. He slams a stall door in Benoit’s face as Tony and Dusty nearly have a coronary. Vicious shots with the door. Dusty is truly in his glory here. Tony: “HEAD FIRST TO THE COMMODE!” Benoit comes back and slams Sullivan into the doors as Dusty reels off his famous catchphrase: “There’s a lady! There’s a lady in the men’s bathroom!” Sullivan dumps a bag of toilet paper on Benoit and then a garbage can gets involved. They fight back to the stairs, and Tony notes that if someone falls, they fall bigtime. As if on cue, Benoit takes a shot to the head and then gets tossed down the stairs. Sullivan kicks him square in the nuts for good measure, then crotches him on the railing. Benoit returns the favor. He retrieves a table from below the ring after a couple of tries, and sets it up in the corner. Sullivan misses a charge to the corner and hits it…and it doesn’t break. Wow, high quality. Benoit puts it on the top rope, but gets backdropped onto it. They fight to the top, and Benoit gets a superplex, for the pin. HUGE pop for that. Benoit slaps Sullivan around, and Arn Anderson runs out to make the save…then turns on Sullivan! Horsemen beatdown ensues and the roof nearly blows off the place. 10 points for effort, plus several million for originality. *****  (Vince Russo would beat this formula into the ground over the years, but this was the first and best iteration of it in mainstream wrestling.)  – Gene the lecher cuddles with Woman and Liz, then interviews the reunited Horsemen. Bobby Heenan managing the Horsemen is just so…right. It’s a shame it was aborted after the nWo thing started. But wait, there’s still only THREE Horsemen, isn’t there? – Lord Steven Regal v. Sting. Sting and Luger were the tag champions at this point. Regal goes right to work with dickish submission moves after getting kicked out of the ring. Sting comes back so Regal rolls up and badmouths the fans. Regal offers a handshake to Sting with a big goofy grin on his face. Regal’s facial expressions are priceless. (I feel like William Regal v. Joseph Park would be the greatest feud in the history of wrestling for just that reason.)  They trade some stuff, with Regal retaining control. Regal looks to be wrestling a lot stiffer than usual for some reason, just generally being a jerk. Regal works on the arm and neck, and builds to finally hitting the Regal Stretch. Sting breaks and makes the Superman Comeback, hitting the Stinger Splash and deathlock for the submission. This was pretty much Sting’s last good match. ***3/4  (I must have been forgetting about the DDP match in 99.)  – Ric Flair & Arn Anderson v. Steve MacMichael & Kevin Greene. The Horsemen are “coached” by Heenan, while the football players have Randy Savage. Mongo had been doing color commentary on Nitro before this. Crowd starts a “Mongo sucks” chant. Tony relates a story about Mongo signing with Bear arch-rivals the Packers for the money, a bit of foreshadowing that is nearly unheard of for WCW announcers. Arn and Mongo do a three-point stance, which leads to a drop toehold from Arn when Mongo charges. Smart move. The football players get AA in the corner and stomp him. Greene tags in and spazzes out, while the Horsemen calmly stall. Total mind-games from the Horsemen. Flair tricks Greene into going into the three-point stance, then kicks him in the head. Great stuff. Greene cleans house with shoulderblocks and the Horsemen bail. Savage drags them back. Greene dominates Flair with clotheslines, looking pretty okay. Mongo tags in and dominates Flair, looking less okay. He puts the figure-four on Flair and the place explodes. The wives and the Horsemen women nearly get into a catfight, but they run back to the dressing room. In the aftermath, Mongo gets beat on by the Horsemen and his knee injured. Crowd starts a “weasel” chant for old times’ sake, so he obliges with a cheap shot on Mongo. Mongo chokes out Flair, who retaliates with a ballshot. This is so classic. Horsemen with a double suplex on Mongo for two. Mongo atomic drops Arn into Flair and makes the hot tag to Greene. Greene cleans house, again looking decent. Flair flips right into a big boot from Mongo. Greene celebrates like a goof, so Arn clips him from behind and pounds on his knee. Flair goes for the figure-four and Greene cradles for two. But inevitably Flair does get the move, and Arn lends a helping hand. Benoit hits the ring to attack Savage as Greene fights to escape. Debra returns from the dressing room with the Devilish Women, wearing an evening gown and carrying the infamous Haliburton full of money. Mongo thinks it over for a minute, then takes the money and wallops his partner, allowing Flair to get the pin. Wild, wild, booking and that took more balls than I thought anyone in WCW had. Horsemen Beatdown #2938 proceeds full steam ahead on Randy Savage, with Heenan calling the shots. Mongo is thus officially inducted as the Fourth Horseman. The crowd, who was cheering the heels at the beginning, completely turns on them by the end. Just absolutely brilliant. Match sucked, of course. ** – Then, in the moment that completely turned WCW from an also-ran into the #1 force in sports entertainment, Eric Bischoff brings out the Outsiders, who still aren’t even named at this point. Crowd chants “Diesel” at Nash. Bischoff sets up the six-man at Bash at the Beach, with the Outsiders and a mystery partner against Randy Savage, Sting and Lex Luger. Bischoff refuses to name the WCW team members, however, so Nash powerbombs Bischoff THROUGH A TABLE! This is still so glorious to watch today. Massive heat for Hall and Nash because of this. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the nWo era, as all the old guard of WCW are systemically flushed away and the WWF refugees literally take over, on-screen and off. – Main event, WCW World title: The Giant v. Lex Luger. Luger is the TV champion and half of the tag champs at this point. The crowd is notably distracted after that last bit. Lex runs right into a big boot to start. Luger comes back with a series of clotheslines, sending Giant to the floor. He hammers away and applies a sleeper, so Jimmy Hart jumps onto the ring apron to try to nail Luger. Sting comes out to stop him and chases him back to the dressing room. Giant escapes and s.l.o.w.l.y works over Lex. Luger makes the comeback and tries the rack, but his back gives way and Giant hits AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATHECHOKESLAM for the pin. * – Part Two: The Retro Rant for Bash at the Beach 96. – A video montage set to a rip-off of Seal’s “Crazy” (which would have had SOOOOO much more effect if they had used the real song) starts us off. – Live from Daytona Beach, Florida. – Your hosts are Tony, Dusty and Bobby. – Opening match: Rey Mysterio Jr. v. Psychosis. Some matwork to start, and then they say “fuck this wrestling shit” and Psychosis pulls out a tope con hilo to get it going. He hits a legdrop, and then goes to the top and gets the guillotine legdrop, but amazingly it only gets two. Running clothesline gets two. Primo spot as Rey is laid out on the apron, and when Psychosis runs towards him, Rey alley-oops him into the ringpost, then pops up and hits a rana to the floor. Back in the ring and Rey snaps off the rana for two. Back in the ring, and when Rey goes for a leapfrog Psychosis goes with the momentum and dumps Rey onto the top rope. Rey goes to the floor, and Psychosis hits an eye-popping spot, delivering a MAN-SIZED senton from the top rope to Rey on the floor! Back in the ring and Rey does his fake-out, then rana’s Psychosis to the floor, hits the springboard dropkick, then finishes it by coming off the top rope and hitting a rana on Psychosis on the way down. Amazing choreography. Back in the ring, and Rey dropkicks Psychosis out again and follows with a quebrada (Asai Moonsault). Rey goes for the rana to finish, but gets powerbombed for two. Psychosis rams Rey into the turnbuckle chestfirst and sets up Splash Mountain, but Rey reverses into his rana for the pin. Crowd goes nuts. This would be one of the three greatest openers ever, along with Liger v. Pillman from Superbrawl II and Owen-Bret from WM10. ****3/4 – Gonnad promises to keep his US title away from Ric Flair. – Big Bubba v. John Tenta. In a monumentally stupid booking decision, this match is scheduled after the awesome opener. See, there’s a pole, and it’s got a sock full of silver dollars, and whoever gets it can use it. As exciting to watch as it sounds. And then, to really build the excitement, the pole is about 20 feet high, so neither guy can climb it. Tenta tries to disconnect the pole from the ringpost, but that doesn’t work, so Bubba finds a roll of tape and tapes Tenta to the ropes, then whips him. Who booked this shit? Then, in yet another Amazing WCW Coincidence ™, Bubba pulls out a handy pair of scissors (you can take an eye out with that!) to cut some of Tenta’s hair off. But Tenta gets them, cuts himself free, and tries to cut the pole loose. That doesn’t work either, so Bubba sends Jimmy Hart up the pole, which of course backfires as Tenta gets the SOCK OF DOOM and nails Bubba for the pin. Foot apparel figuring into booking wouldn’t be seen again until Mankind, for good reason. -*** – The Idiots speculate on the identity of the mystery man. – Mean Gene interviews Team WCW. Sting has bizarre yellow and black facepaint…could this mean a secret alliance with the Killer Bees? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT!  (Never not funny.)  – Taped Fist / Lord of the Ring match: Diamond Dallas Page v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Duggan leads a USA chant to throw evil foreigner DDP (from Scumsylvania) off his game. DDP’s evil plan to tape Duggan’s feet together doesn’t work, and a slugfest erupts. They fight outside the ring. The Idiots talk about DDP’s troubles and his benefactor. You know, it would have been SO easy to just toss in a throwaway line during the nWo’s recruitment speech for DDP about how Dibiase rescued him from the gutter and how he should be grateful for it. But instead, we get the alternative: Nothing. (It could have been HORNSWOGGLE!) Duggan clotheslines DDP around the ring, but makes the fatal error of climbing back into the ring without seeing what DDP is doing. DDP kicks the middle rope, crotching Duggan, and then executes the Diamond Cutter for the pin. Nothing to see here… * – Dog Collar match: The Public Enema v. The Nasty Boys. Rocco Rock is chained to Sags and Knobs gets Johnny Grunge. We get the, ahem, Double Trouble Bash at the Beach Bubble (to quote Dusty) to split the screen. They all immediately go brawling outside the ring, thus rendering the dog collar stip meaningless. Knobs and Grunge go fighting on the beach set, and Knobs hits him with…an inflatable shark. And Grunge sells. If it wasn’t WCW, he probably would have bladed off the shot, too. Tony: “You can do much more with a surfboard than you can with a rubber shark.” I can’t make up quotes like this. Rocco hits a flying body attack off the lifeguard’s chair while Knobs beats on Grunge with a chair. This is truly the epitome of “mindless brawl”. Sags gets a nasty move with a piledriver on the concrete, and of course a table gets involved. Sags gets put on it and Rocco comes off the railing to put him through it. They fight into the ring, and Sags finds another table. Once again, Sags gets put on it, but moves this time and Rocco bounces off the table…which doesn’t break. Holy shit that looked painful. Sags puts Rock on the table and loads up the Shitty Elbow by wrapping the chain around his arm, and AGAIN the table doesn’t break. Damn, that table is tougher than Steve Williams. (Sadly, the table also got cancer and died a few years back.)  The Nasties clothesline Rock with the chain and Sags pins him. Ugly, ugly ending. Someone better fire that table. Fun match besides the ending. *** As an epilogue, Sags is FINALLY put through the TABLE OF DEATH by being tossed off the top.  (You gotta finish the job!  Just like the Christian-Orton match from MITB last year.)  – Cruiserweight title match: Dean Malenko v. Disco Inferno. This is Disco’s PPV debut. This is also the match that turned Disco into an RSPW golden boy. (Boy that sure didn’t last long.)  Dean cranks on Disco, kicking his ass from one end of the ring to the other. Vicious brainbuster that would end the match in any other universe only gets two. I think the hairspray layer in Disco’s hair protected him. Backdrop suplex and then Dean goes to work on the knee. Deano is just being vicious. Snapmare and dropkick to the back of the head gets two. Dean goes to the STF and gets a sunset flip for two. More shitkicking from Dean. Disco finally comes back with rights off a Dean error. He guillotines Malenko on the top rope, but checks the hair before going for a cover. That’s pretty much it for the Disco offense, as Dean takes him out of the ring and rams him to the railing, then back into the ring for a crucifix-like submission move. Disco fights it and *barely* makes the ropes. Dean gets a springboard legdrop for two. Disco comes back again with a series of elbows, and hits a Rude Awakening, but again checks his hair before covering, and Malenko makes the ropes. Backdrop for two. Swinging neckbreaker, but now he dances and that costs him the title as it only gets two. Malenko promptly comes back with a springboard dropkick and applies the Texas Cloverleaf, but Disco small packages for two. Clothesline for two. Malenko with his own clothesline, and they fight over a backslide. Malenko breaks and hits the Tiger Bomb, which leads into the Cloverleaf for the submission. Ended up being a tough, tough match for Dean. ***3/4  (Clearly Disco’s best match ever, so he peaked pretty early in his career.)  – Gene the Lecher interviews Kimberly, wearing nothing but a Bash at the Beach towel. Kimberly, not Gene. Call now to order. – Joe Gomez v. Steve MacMichael. This is *so* not a PPV quality match. See, the problem with Mongo is that he makes a good heel, but the nWo thing turned everyone not associated with them into de facto babyfaces, and he had no idea how to play that role properly. Boring bathroom break match which Mongo finishes with his shitty tombstone piledriver. Way too long. DUD – Ric Flair delivers an interview that is damn near giddy. Gene the Lecher makes innuendo-laden remarks towards Woman. – US title match: Gonnad v. Ric Flair. This was such a glorious match for me to watch. The go-go boots SO WORK on Liz. Anyway, Gonnad controls the early going as Woman shrieks at ringside. I would HATE to be the Sullivans’ next door neighbor, especially if they had sex on any kind of regular basis. At what point did Gonnad go from power wrestler to mat wrestler? He’s using a lot of slams and clotheslines here. Flair ends up on the floor and the Devilish Women console him, and Gonnad follows him down with a bodypress off the apron…taking down Liz with Flair! YOU BALD-HEADED WANNABE GANGSTER BASTARD! She seems to be okay, luckily. Woman knocks Gonnad off the top rope to give the advantage to Flair. Just for insurance, Flair chats with Nick Patrick and Woman wanders into the ring and kicks A FIELD GOAL on Gonnad’s gonads. Entire crowd goes “Ohhhhhhhhh” in sympathy pain. More shenanigans lead to a series of two counts for Flair. Man, that was like the best ballshot I’ve ever seen, and it’s all the more glorious when it’s Gonnad getting it. Gonnad makes the comeback and Flair does all his heel stalling tricks. Flair’s figure four attempt gets reversed for two. Gonnad gets his own figure four on Flair…and a bad one at that. Hasn’t he ever done one before? Gonnad with his THREE AND A HALF MOVES OF DOOM and a cradle, but Liz is up on the apron, and Woman nails him with the SIZE SEVEN OF DEATH, and Flair pins him with his feet on the ropes, just to be Flair. Flair wins the title for the first time since about 1980. **1/4 – Mean Gene tries to weasel his way into the Outsiders’ dressing room, but no go. – The Giant & Kevin Sullivan v. Chris Benoit & Arn Anderson. (Benoit and Anderson probably should have ended up with the tag titles.  They seemed like a perfect combination for that.)  The heels attack from behind in the aisle. Mongo decks the Giant from behind, and Giant chases him back to the dressing room, leaving Sullivan two-on-one against the Horsemen. I don’t like those odds. Giant makes his way back to ringside after a short time. The storyline is that everyone knows the Horsemen are dead if Giant gets tagged in, so they keep Sullivan in their corner. Dull match as Kevin gets battered nonstop. Finally, Sullivan escapes a spike piledriver and hot tags Giant. Sullivan and Benoit fight to the back, leaving Giant against Arn “Dead meat in an about 15 seconds” Anderson. You guess the rest. *1/2 Meanwhile, Benoit hits a dive onto Sullivan from the broadcast location. Then they head back to the ring and Benoit continues the abuse, but Woman calls him off. This turned into the soap opera angle with Benoit and Woman that ended up going nowhere thanks to the nWo.  (Well, eventually there WAS a payoff for it…) – And finally, the match that changed everything, the one mystery partner that actually lived up to the hype… – Lex Luger, Sting and Randy Savage v. Scott Hall, Kevin Nash & ???? Nash has got a beer gut bigger than all outdoors. All three of the faces are wearing face-paint in a show of unity. Tony is finally forced to put names to Nash and Hall in order to call the match. Big pier-six to start, and Luger gets KO’s almost immediately in the chaos. He is taken back to the dressing room, leaving Sting and Savage against the Outsiders. Odd booking, probably a swerve to make the smarts think that Luger would be the Third Man. The Outsiders proceed to decimate Randy Savage. It’s so sad to see the Wolfpac fighting like this. Ugly spot as Savage hurts his neck on a botched elbowdrop from Nash. Sting comes in to take over the Ricky Morton role. The Outsiders run through their usual offense. Sting is just getting creamed. Finally he gets the hot tag and Savage goes nuts, tossing Hall out of the ring and pounding on Nash. He hits the axehandle out of the ring and then again back in, but Nash lowblows him. And then….Hulk Hogan comes out. He rips off the shirt, clears the ring…and legdrops Savage. We have our mystery partner. This was possibly the single most shocking thing I had ever seen in wrestling at the time.  (And while I was watching it, my girlfriend called me just to talk!  Thank god for VCRs)  The nWo destroy Savage and then Mean Gene comes out for The Interview as the ring fills with trash: MG: Hulk Hogan, excuse me, excuse me, what in the world are you thinking? HH: Mean Gene, the first thing you need to do is to tell this people to SHUT UP if you wanna hear what I got to say! MG: I have been with you for so many years…for you to join up with these two men absolutely makes me sick! And I think that these people here and a lot of other people around the world have had just about enough of this man here [Hall] and this man here [Nash] and you want to put yourself with this group? You’ve gotta be…kidding me. HH: First thing you gotta realize, brother, is this right here is the future of wrestling. You can call this the New World Order of wrestling, brother! These two men here came from a great big organziation up north, and everybody was wondering who the third man was, well who knows more about that organization than me, brother? MG: I’ve been there, I’ve done that…and you have made the wrong decision, in my opinion. HH: Well lemme tell you something…I made that organization a monster…I made the people rich up there…and when it all came to pass, the name Hulk Hogan, the man Hulk Hogan, got bigger than the whole organization, brother. And then Billionaire Ted, he wanted to talk turkey with Hulk Hogan, amigo. Well, you know, Ted promised me movies, brother, Billionaire Ted promised me millions of dollars, Billionaire Ted promised me world calibar matches! Well, as far as Billionaire Ted goes, Eric Bischoff and the whole WCW goes, I’m bored, brother. That’s why these two guys here, the so called Outsiders, these are the men that I want as my friends, they’re the new blood of professional wrestling, and not only are we gonna take over the wretling business with Hulk Hogan and new blood, the monsters with me, we wil destroy everything in our path, Mean Gene. MG: Look at all the crap in this ring! That’s whats in the future for you if you want to hang around with this man Hall and this man Nash. HH: As far as I’m concerned, all this crap in the ring represents these fans out here. For two years, brother, for two years I held my head high, I did everything for the charities, I did everything for the kids, and the reception I got when I came out here, you fans can STICK IT, brother, because if it wasn’t for Hulk Hogan you people wouldn’t be here, if it wasn’t for Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff would still be selling meat from a truck in Minneapolis. If it wasn’t for Hulk Hogan, all thse Johnny come lately’s you see wrestling wouldn’t be here. I was selling the world, brother, while they were bumming gas to put in their car to get to high school. So the way it is, with Hulk Hogan and the New World Organization of wrestling, brother, and the new blood by my side, whatcha gonna do when the New World Organization runs wild on you? WHATCHA GONNA DO? MG: Tony, Bobby, Dusty, let’s get back to you. Tony: All right, we have seen the end of Hulkamania. For Bobby the Brain Heenan, for Dusty Rhodes…I don’t know. I’m Tony Schiavone. Hulk Hogan, you can go to hell. We’re outta here. Straight to hell. [slams down headset] End of show. The Bottom Line: That, my friends, was probably the pinnacle of WCW’s creative powers, and the show that signalled the start of a year and a half of ratings dominance. Only now can the nWo finally be declared dead and buried, three years later. From that point on, EVERYTHING centered around the nWo, as they introduced new members, punked out WCW wrestlers, and just generally wreaked havoc until finally everyone got bored of it and started watching the WWF. If only Hogan hadn’t poked his nose into the angle, it could have been the greatest ever. Oh well. Strongest recommendation for both shows.

July PPV Countdown: The Great American Bash 1992

(2012 Scott sez:  And now…the Bill Watts era.)  The Netcop Retro Rant for WCW Great American Bash 1992 – Live from Albany, Georgia. – Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Magnum TA, Jim Ross and Jesse Ventura. – Eric Bischoff interviews Bill Watts to start, who defends the “off the top” rule and basically wishes everyone in the NWA tag title tournament good luck.  (Funny that Bill was already on the defensive about his stupid rule changes at this point.)  – This is very much a special interest show:  It features the NWA World tag team title tournament and a World title match between Sting and Vader, and nothing else.  The first round of the tournament was held at Clash 19 a few weeks previous to this show, and as well Steve Williams and Terry Gordy fought the Steiners in a quarterfinal round match on that same show, which was won by the MVC (Miracle Violence Connection, their Japanese team name.), sending them to the semi-finals on this show. Opening match: Brian Pillman & Jushin Liger v. Nikita Koloff & Ricky Steamboat.  Good enough choice for an opener, but it has two distinct portions:  The portion involving Ricky Steamboat (which ROCKS) and the portion involving Nikita Koloff (which SUCKS).  I wish I could have seen Ricky Steamboat v. Jushin Liger before Steamboat retired.  Not much to say about this one, back and forth with good action until Pillman tries a flying bodypress and Steamboat rolls through for the pin.  ***  (Oh yeah, it’s 98 Scott all right.)  – I should mention that Jim Ross had managed to oust Dusty Rhodes as the booker at this point, so everything is clean no matter how boring it may be. – The Freebirds v. Hiroshi Hase & Shinya Hashimoto.  The tape I’m watching cuts out almost the entirety of this match, but it’s the Freebirds AND Hashimoto in the same match so it’s safe to say it sucked. (Professional wrestling reviewing at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.  Although to be fair this was before the days of Youtube where you could just look something up if you tape cut out.)  The Japanese team shows up later in the night so I guess the ‘Birds jobbed here (yay!), which is good because I hate their guts. – My tape cuts back in just in time for the intros to… – Rick Rude & Steve Austin v. Barry Windham & Dustin Rhodes.  This would be approaching the zenith of the Windham-Rhodes team.  The Dangerous Alliance was in decline, as Rude spent all his time with Austin and Madusa instead of Paul E.  Decent enough match, everyone was pretty much at the top of their game at this point.  Rude even pulls off a top-rope dropkick!  Interesting note:  Rude is US champion and Austin is TV champion at this point.  Rude lost his belt to Dustin Rhodes and Austin lost his to Barry Windham (albeit briefly and before this match).  Life is funny sometimes, no?  Long headlock sequence in the middle really kills this one.  Hot tag to Dustin, who cleans house.  Austin tries a piledriver on Windham, but Rhodes is the legal man and comes off the top with a clothesline for the pin on Austin.  ***  Lots of goofy graphical effects interject themselves for some reason.  (I saw this one a few years ago on 24/7 or Vintage Collection or something, and it’s pretty badass, like ***1/2 – ***3/4) – Bischoff interviews the Van They Call Vader and Harley Race, in preparation for Sting. – Semifinal #1:  Nikita Koloff & Ricky Steamboat v. The Miracle Violence Connection.  Williams & Gordy were in the midst of the monster push of a lifetime here, and had recently beaten the Steiners to win the WCW World tag titles.  Bill Watts just LOVED these two.  (Who didn’t really?  You put Steve Williams and Terry Gordy together and get them to beat the piss out of people, what’s not to love?)  Extended armbar here. The crowd dies here and never really gets back into it for the rest of the night.  Mat wrestling exhibition.  This is why WCW fired Jim Ross as a booker in the first place.  (To be fair, I don’t think Ross ever had THAT much power, since Watts was really the main decision maker.  JR certainly had his ear, though.)  Really long and dull match.  Blame WCW for the onset of 6 match PPVs, as this one goes about 20 minutes plus. Semi-hot ending has Steamboat going for the bodypress, but Gordy pushes him off, into the arms of Dr. Death, who Stampedes him for the academic pin.  **  (Another one I saw later where I short-shrifted the original viewing.  Outside of the dull middle portion, this was a hell of a tag match, again a ***1/2 affair.)  – Semifinal #2:  Barry Windham & Dustin Rhodes v. Shinya Hashimoto & Hiroshi Hase.  Man, this is a no-nonsense PPV.  Just bang-bang-bang, one match after another.  (Wrestling is SERIOUS.  No fancy stuff!)  The arena is so dark it looks like Hardcore Heaven.  Dustin v. Shinya is the closest the world ever got to Dustin fighting his father.  (I don’t know what Shinya Hashimoto did to piss me off.)  Bad match which gets marginally better when Hase is in.  Hot tag to Windham about 15 minutes in, who beats up Hase and then nails the lariat for the pin.  *1/2 – Tony & Magnum interview Ron Simmons. – WCW World title match:  Sting v. Big Van Vader.  Vader still has that goofy helmet.  Setup:  Vader splashed and destroyed Sting in the Omni a few months ago.  Big staredown to start.  This is match #2 in a series of about 40,000, the last of which occurs at Fall Brawl 94 to quietly end one of the longest running feuds in wrestling.  This is like the prologue in a long novel, as Sting has yet to really meet Vader in a meaningful match and doesn’t realize what he’s getting into.  Sting starts out smart, sticking and moving fast, but gets dumb and never recovers.  Vader crushes him.  He even puts Sting in the Scorpion Deathlock at one point.  Vader is mauling Sting like a grizzly, with stiff rights and clotheslines.  Sting makes a comeback, but it takes as much out of him as it does Vader, and Sting isn’t in great shape here to begin with.  Sting hits a fallaway slam, but it takes forever for him to execute and you can tell he’s out of gas and the end is near for him. German suplex (barely) for 2, Stinger splash, and again, but Vader drops down on the second one and Sting slams his head into the ringpost.  He’s bleeding and is a walking dead man and everyone can just feel it.  He takes a couple of big shots at Vader, but he just casually steps aside and Sting falls flat on his face and stays there.  Vader picks him up and powerbombs him, but it’s just a formality because Sting wasn’t getting up to begin with.  The three count is academic.  Vader claims his first WCW World title, and the crowd is in SHOCK.  ****1/4  This is one of the best fucking matches I’ve ever seen.  Vader just absolutely dismantled Sting here, and Sting’s gotta be the biggest company man ever, because he did the mega-job, getting the crap kicked out of him for the cause of putting Vader over BIGTIME.  This is the match that *made* Vader.  (That’s how wrestling used to work, yes.  A big star puts over a guy who they want to be a big star and makes him into a big star too, and then they fight again for EVEN BIGGER MONEY.  Like Chael Sonnen v. Anderson Silva II.  I think Aries-Roode should rip off the finish from the first Silva-Sonnen fight, with Aries beating the hell out of Roode for 15 minutes before getting trapped in a triangle choke.)  – Bischoff interviews the new champ. – NWA World tag team title final:  Barry Windham & Dustin Rhodes v. Steve Williams & Terry Gordy.  Ole Anderson is the referee here, proving if anything that there *is* a job he can do worse than booking.  (High five!  Anyone?) I always thought the NWA tag titles looked better than the WCW ones.  The Steiners come down to ringside, but get chased off by WCW security.  I can appreciate the attempts from Ross & Watts to push mat wrestling, but it’s sooooo boring to sit through it.  Crowd is dead silent throughout after that last match basically ripped out their heart.  Eyebrow-raising moment:  Mongo’s name gets dropped in reference to Steve Williams’ football career.  This is a slow, deliberate match which is 99.99% controlled by the MVC.  Headlock, armbar, submission moves…just about as basic as you get.  Dustin makes a hot tag to Windham, who immediately gets caught in a headlock and becomes the Face in Peril in Rhodes’ place.  Hot tag #2 to Rhodes, who becomes Face In Peril in Windham’s place.  God forbid the crowd should be excited about anything here. Windham never gets hot tag #3, as Williams goes for the Oklahoma Stampede, but Windham comes in and dropkicks Rhodes on top.  (If I were booking it, that’d be the ending right there…underdog win and poetic justice in one.)  Williams easily kicks out, however, ruining the fans’ night by ripping Rhodes’ head off with a clothesline and pinning him to become the first and last NWA World tag team champions, unifying them with the WCW version right out of the gate.  *1/2 The Bottom Line: Aside from Vader-Sting, this was an utterly pointless waste of time. The MVC were already WCW World champions at this point, there was no need to put the NWA World titles on them as well!  Let a babyface team take them, like the Steiners, and then build to a big unification match. (I was just going to say that!  Thanks, 1998 Scott.)  Instead, we get boring MVC win after win, as they take out everyone and capture all the gold in one night and send the fans home bored and unhappy.  Wrestling is not a sport to watch the better team win with superior athleticism.  In the real world, Williams & Gordy were the best team in the field and would have won with solid mat wrestling, true.  In the wrestling world, however, the better team rarely wins, and even more rarely with mat wrestling.  The Steiners should have won this tournament to set up the big blowoff between them and the MVC that Ross was pushing all night.  It never happened. Wrestling is not the real world, and when it tries to be the results are a dull show like Bash 92.  For Bill Watts/Jim Ross wrestling “purists” however, I’m sure this show is exactly what anti-screwjob factions are screaming for.  If nothing else, I’d like to warn y’all that clean, basic mat wrestling is generally boring as hell.  As an interesting note, Williams & Gordy went on to lose the “Unfied” titles to Windham and Rhodes, the very team they beat to unify it.  (The cat burglar has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him!)  Recommended for Sting-Vader, but not really much else unless you’re a big MVC fan.  (Don’t be a hater, 1998 Scott.  There was some SWANK tag team wrestling on this show and I’ll take a three-hour PPV of clean finishes and basic wrestling these days seven days a week and twice on Sunday.  This is another one I wanna YouTu…er, I mean, watch when a legal WWE authorized DVD copy comes out…and see if it the show looks any different to me now.) 

July PPV Countdown: The Great American Bash 1991

(2012 Scott sez:  You may have heard about this show before.  I was toying with the idea of a redo, but I’m a week away from vacation as it is and I don’t want to completely kill my will to live before I make it through the work week.)  The Netcop Retro Rant for WCW Great American Bash 1991 A word before we get started: Many times over the past few years on RSPW, I and many others have read newer posters state that such-and-such a PPV is the “Worst one ever!” I assure you, whatever a given is, it is not the Worst PPV Ever. nWo Souled Out was extremely bad, but it had a **** ladder match. WWF King of the Ring 1995 was pretty wretched, and certainly the worst WWF PPV, but there was at least one match over **. No, the title of the “The Worst PPV Ever” has always fallen on, and shall always fall on, WCW’s Great American Bash 1991, aka the Flair Protest Show. There is no comparison to anything else, it is, without a doubt, the biggest and most insulting waste of three hours ever to be called a wrestling program. Let this be a lesson to future generations of posters: Don’t watch this show, even to see how bad it could be. It’s just not worth it, no matter how cool your friends say you’ll be. Take up smoking instead. On with the rant. (Sadly, this show’s badness was EASILY eclipsed by Heroes of Wrestling after I wrote this.  EASILY.  I’d probably slot ECW December to Dismember at #2 as well now.)  Live from Baltimore, Maryland, where wrestlers can’t even shave in the morning for fear of the Maryland State Athletic Commission stopping their morning routine due to blood. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Jim Ross, with the debuting Eric Bischoff doing interviews. Opening match: PN News & Beautiful Bobby Eaton v. Stunning Steve Austin & Terry Taylor (scaffold match). And they waste no time in tanking the whole fucking show. Who could actually be STUPID enough to start a major PPV with a SCAFFOLD match? The whole dynamic of these things is that all four guys end up crawling around trying not to fall off and kill themselves. That tends to limit the action. I have no idea why it was even signed. (Because Austin and Eaton were sort of feuding over the TV title, and the other guys had nothing better to do, and SCIENCE.) It’s also “capture the flag” rules, meaning no cool 20 foot falls to the mat. I can’t even describe properly how BORING this match is. Crowd is just dead, and I mean DEAD, by the end of this mess. Bobby Eaton grabs the flag and goes back to his corner, and there’s ZERO reaction from the fans, since they’re probably waiting for someone to fall off to end it. Quite possibly the worst opening match in PPV history. -**** I mean it, it was THAT bad. (In all fairness, the Chamber of Horrors match might have been THE worst.  But this was right up there.)  Eric Bischoff interviews Paul E and Arn Anderson. Arn is the ONE guy I would NOT want to be around at that time. The Diamond Studd (w/DDP) v. Tom Zenk. Scott Hall looks very roided up and thick here. (Not that I would want to cast aspersions on the moral fiber of Scott Hall.)  Zenk has good energy for, oh, 5 seconds, and then the Studd puts it in under-drive with the usual kicks and punches. Hey, yo, survey says…this match bites. Crowd drops off like flies. Sooooooooo sloooooooooow. Zenk drags DDP into the ring and beats him up, which enables Studd to get a belly-to-back suplex for the pin. 1/2* This crowd is just merciless tonight in their Flair protest, basically not popping for *anything*.  (I’d say the shitty matches have a lot to do with the state of the crowd as well.)  Oh, well, at least it’s not Kevin Nash. Oz v. Ron Simmons. Oh, fuck, it’s Kevin Nash. Oz has Kane’s pyro to bring him out. (They’d already cut the budget on Oz’s entrance to almost nothing after his debut at Superbrawl failed to turn Nash into a giant star.)  This is just after Simmons’ singles push started. He gets one of the few actual pops of the night. Crowd doesn’t bother popping for anything in the match, however, and with good reason. The match is a big, steaming bowl of fresh suck, with lightly seasoned suck sauce, and a side of suck salad. (With suck dressing on the side.)  Lumber, lumber, kick, punch, yawn. Simmons manages to get a reaction by clotheslining Big Sexy the Giant Killer out of the ring. Simmons with three shoulderblocks for the pin. DUD. WCW’s Top 10 this week: 1. Lex Luger 2. Barry Windham 3. Sting 4. Steve Austin 5. Bobby Eaton 6. Arn Anderson 7. El Gigante 8. Diamond Studd 9. Ron Simmons 10. Johnny B. Badd (Sadly I wasn’t doing the WCW Top 10 disclaimer gag at this point because it might have provided me with some entertainment while writing this.)  Robert Gibson v. Ricky Morton. If you’ll recall from Clash XV, Morton turned on Gibson and joined the York Foundation. Morton hasn’t even bothered to change his RnR Express tights or grow an evil goatee. (Or, most importantly, cut his damn hair.  Thankfully Bobby Roode paid attention to that lesson when he turned heel.)  This was WCW’s pathetic attempt to push Morton as a singles wrestler 6 years too late. Crowd is actually pretty pumped for this to start. Morton kills it, of course, by stalling nonstop for the first few minutes. Then he spends the next 20 minutes working on Gibson’s knee. Good psychology, but it’s boring as shit and that’s the LAST thing this DOA crowd needs right now. It’s so weird watching Fonzie ref down the middle now. I think everyone was expecting a more Rock N Roll Express type of match and we get this shit instead, a point which JR makes, although in a more diplomatic sense. I guess it wasn’t a technically unsound match or anything, but literally 90% of it is Morton working on the knee. I’m so bored I’m nearly dropping off by the end. Gibson mounts an ill-advised comeback because as he’s crawling back into the ring after a sort-of brawl on the rampway, Morton tags him with the laptop and pins him. Yay. *  (At least they didn’t have Gibson go over.)  The Young Pistols and Dustin Rhodes v. The Freebirds and Bradstreet (six-man elimination). Wanna know how bad the tag situation in 1991 was? (HOW BAD WAS IT?) The ‘Birds have both the US and Six-Man tag titles.  (Oh.  I was hoping for a Match Game joke answer there.)  Brad Armstrong is 5000% better than both Hayes and Garvin combined, so of course we never get to see him here. Instead most of what he does is running around outside and pissing off the faces with his Ultra-Rudo act, which I dig more than anything that WCW produced in this time period. The Freebirds waste copious amounts of time trying to get the crowd to do ANYTHING. No dice. Hayes & Garvin of course proceed to ruin another perfectly good match by somehow managing to drag another team down to their level of crap. (Story of their career.)  Match goes almost to the finish with no eliminations, then suddenly Steve Armstrong, Michael Hayes, Tracy Smothers and Jim Garvin all go in rapid-fire succession, leaving Dustin against Bradstreet. Guess who wins that one. Hint: It was with several atomic elbows and a bulldog. *1/4 Note: We’re now about halfway into the show and my highest rating is *1/4. And that’s just because of Brad Armstrong’s performance. And this was supposed to be the show that started a new era for WCW?  (Well, I mean, it DID, but it wasn’t a very GOOD era…) The Yellow Dog v. Johnny B. Badd. Johnny’s initial push continues here. The Yellow Dog is Brian Pillman in the usual dipshit Dusty angle. (He lost a loser-leaves-town TAG match, for some reason, and came back as the mysterious Yellow Dog, and then proceeded to get his ass kicked by Barry Windham all over again.  It was quite the time for him.)  Johnny was playing it totally gay here. This was basically his first PPV appearance, keep in mind. (Second.)  Nothing match, full of armdrags and the occasional Pillman dropkick. Teddy Long runs in for no good reason and tries to attack Pillman, thus earning a DQ. (Yes, a DQ in this half-assed midcard match.)  The crowd is out of it, as usual tonight. * Pillman was not just half-assing it, he was half-assing the half of an ass he brought with him. Can you blame him, though? Lumberjack match: Black Blood v. Big Josh. Blood is Billy Jack Haynes. (What a fucking nutcase he turned out to be, even by the low standards of pro wrestling’s nutcases.  He makes Jesse Ventura’s conspiracy theory show look like 60 Minutes.  The short version is that he believes Daniel Benoit to actually have been Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son.  Plus he was nearly killed because he was “accidentally” acting as a cocaine mule and decided to steal some for himself.)  This was not a smart idea on WCW’s part, I’ll say that much. (Put this match on in Portland 5 years earlier and it’s literally a main event anywhere in the state.)  Kick and punch and the usual screwy stuff involved with a lumberjack match. And still Black Blood tries to rise above the convoluted booking and actually makes a match out of it. I guess no one told him about Flair. A big brawl ensues, and Dustin Rhodes whacks Black Blood with an axe handle, allowing Josh to get the pin. *3/4 I just can’t give it ** in good conscience. It actually got the crowd going. (Black Blood was an interesting character concept, as I guess he was intended to be a kind of medieval torture master, but Haynes quickly got injured and never returned.)  One Man Gang v. El Gigante. Well, that didn’t last long. Kevin Sullivan gives a long, rambling interview that kills the crowd again. Gigante carries four midgets to the ring. Stupid, stupid, stupid. El Gigante is the worst “mainstream” wrestler, ever. Period. (Great Khali would argue that point.)  One Man Gang beats on him with a cast iron wrench for 5 minutes and he can’t even sell *that* without screwing it up. (He beats on him with A CAST IRON WRENCH and the crowd is BORED with it.  This is how bad this show is!)  The crowd is having a collective nap. I’m surprised they haven’t walked out yet. Gigante can’t wrestle, talk, sell or act. (Apparently he did some poetry before he died that was pretty good, though.)  His whole thing is that he’s really, really tall. OMG actually carries a match (not out of negative stars…oh, lord, no…) and loses it after having his own powder kicked in his face. –** (Because if a CAST IRON WRENCH doesn’t work, lord knows POWDER will.)  Russian Chain Match: Nikita Koloff v. Sting. This was a super-hot feud at the time, so maybe it’ll wake up the crowd. Nikita, however, didn’t do anything worthwhile in his entire 91-92 WCW stint, so don’t count on anything good here. Sting’s entrance finally gets a big pop out of the crowd. As a sidenote, I have yet to watch a Russian chain/Indian strap/Dog Collar style match that really made me say “Wow, I never realized how good that style of match could be.” This is no exception. (John Cena v. Umaga was terrific, but that was a case of working despite the gimmick, rather than because of it.)  The gimmick overwhelms the wrestling, which is basically kicking and punching with the chain, and not very convincingly. Plus, having seen dozens of Sting matches, I can safely say when he’s dogging it, and he’s definitely got it in low gear here. (I’m pretty sure that Flair’s departure had something to do with his bad mood.) You know when WCW is hammering the point of it being a brawl, because there’s always ballshots galore. Four of them in this case. The referee is very lenient with the whole “breaking of momentum” thing, in this case letting them fight extensively in between touching corners. They touch 3, and then Sting Stinger splashes Koloff into the fourth, giving Koloff the win. (That’s exceptionally retarded for a variety of reasons.)  Bad matches happen to good wrestlers, I guess. * WCW World title match: Barry Windham v. Lex Luger. At this point, I feel the need to break into a bit of an essay about this match. I think that those who refer to the Bret Hart fiasco as the sleaziest event in modern wrestling history are overlooking this match. This match was not only a lousy match, but Barry Windham was not even a contender to the title at the time. (They were sure trying hard to get Flair to drop it to him before leaving, though.)  The promised match had been Ric Flair v. Lex Luger, a match which had literally been building for more than a year, and maybe even for three years depending on your point of view on the matter. It was to be Ric Flair dropping the WCW World title, finally, to Lex Luger, after years of being chased by Luger and screwing him out of the title with every means of cheating known to man. Everyone knew it, in much the same way everyone knew Lex Luger was walking out of Detroit as the champion the night he faced Hulk Hogan for the title. But Flair’s contract was almost up in 1991, and they wanted him to job the title to Lex Luger and ride into the sunset as a manager. Or ride into the sunset as a babyface. Or whatever he wanted, just for less pay. But dropping the title to Luger was absolute. Flair refused, and Jim Herd, instead of reasoning with him and offering him big money to do a single job before going to the WWF or wherever, simply fired Flair outright and took the WCW World title back, leaving Flair still the NWA World champion and thus shattering the lineage of the longest lasting World title in history, beyond repair. (Well…it was a bit more complicated than that, but not in any way that makes either guy look better.  After firing Flair, Herd had a change of heart and offered him DOUBLE his original contract to come back, but Flair figured he had the bargaining power and stuck with his plan to jump to the WWF with the belt that didn’t belong to him.  Plus Herd didn’t want Flair to “ride into the sunset”, he wanted to cut his hair and change his look because he didn’t see him as a marketable, so he lowballed him on the new contract and basically told him outright that he’d be doing jobs for midcarders.)   So what did the fans get for their hard-earned money on PPV? Lex Luger v. Barry Windham for the vacant title, in a match where 99% of the audience knew in advance Luger was going to win, if only because he had to. They made the ridiculous decision to push Windham, who had been wrestling exclusively in tag matches with Arn Anderson for 8 months previous, as the #2 contender to the title and somehow deserving a title shot. (You’d think even Nikita Koloff would have made a better challenger.)  As one final slap in the face to the fans, WCW didn’t even have another copy of the World title ready in case someone did what Flair did. They took the old Western States title, slapped a piece of metal over the “Western States” part and wrote “World Champion” or something on it. (That alone propelled this to instantly legendary status.)  It was the most self-parodying and bush league move ever seen from a federation that would grow to make an art form out of fucking up. As Luger and Windham made their entrances and the cage was lowered, the fans now suddenly came alive. Not out of excitement for this garbage, but in defiance of the sudden erasing of their champion, by loudly chanting “WE WANT FLAIR!” at every opportunity. It was the most energy shown by the crowd the entire night. Jim Ross and Tony Sciavone doggedly ignored the howls of protest from the fans, but sleep with the dogs and wake up with the fleas, WCW. You brought it upon yourselves. Ask Vince about it. (Although Vince’s act of treachery against Bret Hart made him a billionaire, so really that’s not a good lesson to take, I guess.)  Barry and Lex went out and half-assed a match that was half-assed to begin with, in sympathy for Flair, although Luger seems to try harder because we all know he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. The announcers try to build Windham as a babyface, but WE WANT FLAIR! Kind of hard to build him up as a fan favorite when they’re chanting for the biggest heel in the business. The match goes on with no real flow or psychology, and then Harley Race and Mr. Hughes come out as one last way to ruin the whole experience. Race yells at Luger that “now is the time” and Luger suddenly regains all his energy and pins Windham after a single piledriver to win the World title. Luger has now turned heel, for no real reason, after being built as a babyface for months. The fact that Harley Race would involve himself in this speaks volumes. (Yeah, well he also involved himself in that stupid TV special where they revealed the secret of stunt grannies and planted signs, so obviously his moral fiber isn’t what it used to be even by that point.)  Luger carries the belt back to the dressing room to continuous chants for Flair with no real enthusiasm. What a joke. What a sad, pathetic joke and the worst possible way to start off the “new era” of WCW, without Flair. By 1993, the fans would be so loudly and passionately screaming for the man they *really* paid to see that WCW would have no choice but to sign him again. WE WANT FLAIR! (At this point we’re kind of over Flair.)  Paul E. Dangerously & Arn Anderson v. Missy Hyatt & Rick Steiner. Speaking of sad, pathetic jokes, we’ve got about 3 minutes of airtime left at this point and another cage match to go. Everyone comes out and the Hardliners kidnap Missy Hyatt, thus depriving the fans of seeing her beat up Paul E., which was the whole point of having this crappy mixed match to begin with. (Baltimore regulations forbade man-on-woman violence, so that’s why.)  Anderson and Steiner half-ass it for a minute or so, and then Paul E. foolishly tags in, gets clotheslined by Rick, and pinned. And that’s it. End of show. The Bottom Line: It was the worst of times. WCW somehow managed to scrape even more off the bottom of the barrel, sinking lower than 1990’s Black Scorpion fiasco by turfing out their #1 guy and putting on the single worst show in the history of wrestling PPVs. There wasn’t a single redeeming factor about this show, not one match you could point to and say “This is the reason to watch this show.” It was just bad in every possible manner from start to finish. About the best match was the World title one, and when your hottest match tops out around **1/2 it’s time to take a serious look at where your federation is going and who’s running the show. (They did, and apparently Ted Turner had Herd enough.)  Do I recommend watching the show? Yes. Without a doubt. Because that way, the next time someone reviews a show by any federation and calls it the worst PPV ever, you can say “Fuck that, I’ve seen WCW Great American Bash 1991” and that should be enough to shut up just about anyone. Later.