Matt’s Main Event Recap – 5/27/2014

Welcome to the big Tuesday Show where we cover the former “#1 Show on the WWE Network”.

At least that’s what the ratings report said about the show about a week ago. As of last night, that spot took a hit. Still, Main Event sits at the “#2” spot. So, welcome to the recap for the #2 Show on the WWE Network!
To be honest, the WWE is lucky the show was #2. It was terrible last week. But, that’s just typical of Main Event. One week, the show has the momentum of a MAC Truck. The week following, it’s like the wheels have come off and the truck has driven off a cliff. 
If we’re going by Star Trek Movie Rules and last week sucked, then this means we’re on the even numbered Trek this week and we should have a good Main Event…and, yes, I realize ST: Nemesis sucked so the “even numbered Star Trek scale” is b------- on toast. So, tonight, just think of it as “Main Event IV: The One Where the Humpback Whales Sing Adam’s Theme Song Until The Probe Leaves Earth’s Orbit.”

In any case, HEY! It’s a new week. How’s everyone? Did you all survive the hell that was RAW last night? Did you actually sit through it or did you read Andy PG’s report and then have a beer, strip down to your underwear and watch late night re-runs of Cheers? Whether you saw it or read about it, it was a painful, painful show. Hopefully, the booze you took in during Memorial Day numbed the pain a touch.

Honestly, I hope the WWE has a plan for the long-term in Daniel Bryan’s absence because this thing ain’t gonna fly far the way it’s going.

For what it’s worth, help IS on the horizon in the form of Rusev, Bo Dallas and Adam Rose. But what good are these guys?

Myself, I remain unimpressed.

And, from the angry things I’m reading on this site alone, I’m not the only one who thinks that or even that the WWE is making the right decisions.

Yes, I know it’s early for the new guys but come on: Rusev’s like a more agile Khali, Dallas has some decent moves but is like a retread of Bray Wyatt if Wyatt lost weight, took Prozac and got laid (not necessarily in that order) and Adam Rose is…well, he’s pretty much Adam Rose. I’d say he’s a rip-off of Russell Brand except Brand is fairly smart and banged Katy Perry. Adam Rose has the IQ of a rock and only actually performs when somebody kicks his ass.

He’s a completely original character!

Oh, wait…

To his credit, the great city of London seemed impressed with him, being they were rocking out to his song…but Ithey were also chanting along with Paul Heyman’s catchphrases so they probably weren’t really thrilled so much as they were bored out of their skulls.

Personally, I don’t think these guys will go far with their current shtick and need a major re-work. I mean, look: while I’m well aware that Sin Cara is a Jobber to the Stars, I can’t buy him getting beaten by Bray Wyatt’s wispy little brother. Sin Cara should have been able to out-wrestle Bo Dallas. I’ve seen him run circles around guys who like Alberto Del Rio, Daniel Bryan, and Jack Swagger. The dude even wrestled and beat HIMSELF during that whole “Mexican Superman III” storyline from a few years back.

Anyhow, my question is this: where do you guys see the new guys going? Where do you think they fit in the grand scheme of things? Do they have a future here? Do you see Rusev with a major title around his waist? How about Rose and Dallas? Or are these guys like the expendable-no-speaking-role X-Men where they’re seen for, like, four seconds, doing something cool like turn water into fire or make your iPhone get more than one bar inside your house before Wolverine stabs them because he’s had enough of their s---?

Rose has a beef with Swagger which hasn’t gone anywhere despite being a quick booking. It kinda wavers, appearing and disappearing like B&J’s Americone Dream at the supermarket after 11 PM on a Wednesday. Rusev may FINALLY have gotten something going with Big E. The problem is that Rusev, Dallas and Rose aren’t getting any real reaction from the fans in the building outside of, “Fuckin’ new guy…ok, back to looking up porn on the internet.”

Comments are welcome…
On with the show…

We are LIVE(!) from Atlanta, GA for WWE Main Event!

The guys on the mic are, of course, Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips.

MATCH #1: Cody Rhodes (w/ Goldust) vs. Curtis Axel (w/ Ryback)
Cody and Curtis do the Irish Whip Dance for a bit but Cody hits a kick and punches in the corner before stomping on Axel and locking in a short armbar. Axel gets to his feet and puts Cody in the corner, hitting an off-rope neckbreaker. He works over Cody in one corner, then puts him into the other, chopping away. He whips Cody into the third corner and Cody goes down. Axel puts in a headlock as Goldust cheers on his brother outside the ring. Cody fights out and counters a corner Irish Whip with a Sunset Flip, getting two.

The two kinda botch an Irish Whip and Cody ends up hitting a clothesline and upper cut. Cody goes to the top rope and and hits a BEAUTIFUL Moonsault, getting a near fall. Ryback gets up on the mat to distract Cody but Goldust isn’t having it and pulls Ryback down, attacking him. Ryback tosses him into the crowd barrier and gets back up on the mat again, so Cody hits a Disaster Kick on Ryback. Axel, however, sneaks up on Cody and clips his knee from behind. Axel rolls Cody up, pulling on his tights and gets the pin at 4:23.
WINNER: Curtis Axel via pinfall
GRADE: C-. How many losses does it take to get to the break-up of a Rhodes stable? The world may never know. Seriously. Does that story even exist anymore or am I just kidding myself? Axel looked much improved here, for what it’s worth.

We get clips of the best part of RAW: the Wyatts attacking Lawler as Cena and the Usos make the save.

TONIGHT: The Usos & Wyatts will face each other in a non-title match.

R-Truth is out here. This leads to clips from last week’s Main Event where Damien Sandow dressed up like Sherlock Holmes. Dear god…no.

MATCH #2: R-Truth vs. Damien Sandow
Damien Sandow comes out on the entrance ramp, dressed exactly like Brodus Clay before a match, calling himself “D-Sizzle”. The crowd gasps like they’ve just witnessed a beheading while Truth is slack-jawed. Sandow gets in Truth’s “grill” until Truth tosses slaps him and starts slamming his head into the the buckles. He wails on Sandow in the corner and hits a back body drop. Sandow tries an Irish Whip but Truth gets out, cartwheels, thrusts his hips and then hits a hip toss. Truth hits a roll-up pin off a run but Sandow counters by ramming his head into Truth’s stomach of sorts, yelling, “WHAT’S UP NOW???” He hits a Russian Legsweep and then waves his hands in the air, telling the crowd to do the same, hitting the Elbow of Disdain. He tries You’re Welcome but misses and Truth hits the Truth DDT for the win at 2:34.
WINNER: R-Truth via pinfall
GRADE: D-. I want to say that Creative won’t go lower with Sandow. But I said that after both Magneto and Sherlock Holmes. So, there that is.

We get clips of Steph telling Daniel Bryan to give up the title from RAW.

AT PAYBACK: Daniel Bryan either coughs up the title or Brie is fired.

Nikki and Brie are backstage, talking, as we go to commercial.

Commercial for WWE Greatest Wrestling Factions, which looks bad ass.

Commercial for Slam City. Which ISN’T bad ass.

MATCH #3: Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) vs. Natalya
That Bella hip shake is awesome every single time. Nattie hits body scissors on Brie as Nikki and her epic boobs look concerned. Brie gets out of it and Nattie locks up Brie with a front facelock. Counter by Brie into a headlock but Natalya elbows out and shoulderblocks Brie and then gives her that weird Nattie look that’s somewhere between “What a nice dress” and “You kissed my boyfriend?” Another Irish Whip and a series of reversals and Nattie goes down this time. Another armlock by Natalya. Brie counters into an arm drag and then says hello to Atlanta. She knees Nattie in the face and calls out Stephanie McMahon. She hits a Missile Dropkick on Natalya and gets a two count. Brie hits a Single Crab in the center of the ring. Natalya reverses it and puts Brie in the Sharpshooter. Brie taps at 3:33.
WINNER: Natalya via Sharpshooter
GRADE: C+. Had this gone on longer, it would have been really good. The two were on tonight.

Post-match, Natalya taps Brie on the arm, sympathizing with her for recent events.

Renee Young is backstage with the Usos who wants to know what makes the Wyatts a family. It’s not Sheep Masks or slogans like “Follow the Buzzards”. They will win at Payback.

TONIGHT: The Usos vs. Wyatts

UP NEXT: Clips of the RAW Contract Signing between The Shield and Evolution.

The most-watched show on the Network was Legends House because bitches can’t resist Tony Atlas cooking b------- in a pot.

We get Shield/Evolution contract clips and the promo for their match at Payback.

Wyatt Time.

Luke Harper: “A man who has nothing left to lose has nothing left to fear.” He says that they’ve been saved. Bray says that Harper and Rowan were rejected and cast aside. He embraced them and took them in. He says that the Usos will burn because they’re guilty by association to Cena. Run. SHEEP MASK.

Commercial for the Wrestlemania XXX home video.

Total Diva promo. Bella Wedding is the big thing on that show.

MATCH #4: WWE Tag Team Champions The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) vs. The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) (w/ Bray Wyatt) (non-title)
Rowan starts with Jey as the two kinda glare at each other. Jey puts Rowan in the corner and slaps the sheep mask off his face. Rowan looses his s---, knocks Jey down, headlocks him and tags in Harper. He puts Jey in the corner who counters with a kick to Harper’s head and a roll-up. Tag to Jimmy and they double team with kicks until Harper hits a nasty drop kick. We go to break.

THIS WEEK ON LEGENDS HOUSE: They play The Newlywed Game giving answers like, “He snores” and “He wears boxers”…heh, heh…uh…and they go fishing with Shawn Michaels because MANLY! Subscribe!

After the break, Rowan is back in the ring with Jimmy. He tries a powerslam but Jimmy counters and tags Jey who hits clotheslines, a kick and then tries the Samoan Drop but fails. Rowan hits a Fallaway Slam after Jey tries a Cross Body on the follow-up. Harper tags in and attacks Jey outside and then puts him back in the ring, tagging Rowan. Rowan hits a knee to Jey’s back and then puts Jey in a chinlock. Jey breaks free and hits an Enzuguri but Harper comes in and attacks Jimmy before Jey can tag him.

Harper punches away at Jey and then hits the Croc Roll, followed by a series of suplexes. The crowd goes into LET’S GO USOS/LET’S GO WYATTS mode as Bray looks on. Hey gets out of the Harper headlock and attacks Rowan but runs into a falling bodyslam by Harper. Jimmy runs in and kicks Harper after a pin and Rowan is tagged back in. Rowan beats on Jey and tosses him into the other corner. Jey counters with a kick and then a huge top rope dropkick. Rowan tags Harper.

Hot tag to Jimmy who kicks Harper in the stomach, then hits a series of clothesline and botches the Samoan Drop. He tosses Harper into the corner and tries the Rikishi Butt Splash but Harper counters with a clothesline. Jimmy ducks and it’s a brawl. The Wyatts get dumped and it’s Flying Uso time as the boys take out the Wyatts. Harper gets rolled back into the ring by Jimmy who tries the Superfly Splash. Rowan grabs Jey and throws him into the ropes, making Jimmy stumble. Harper gets up and tries to grab Jimmy but Jimmy leaps over him. He charges at Harper who hits a HUGE meathook clothesline for the pin at 10:37.
WINNERS: The Wyatts via Clothesline
GRADE: C+. This is getting boring. How many times do the Usos have to look like s---?

Post-match, Jey comes into the ring to help his brother and gets attacked by Rowan. They toss Jey outside and Bray hits Sister Abigail as the crowd chants for Cena. Bray asks them where Cena is and that’s a good question since the Usos pulled his ass out of the fire more than a few times in the last two weeks.

We go off the air as Harper counts to ten even though the Usos aren’t in that match but, then, Sandow’s not an 80’s rapper either, so whatever.

OVERALL: C-. That’s being generous.

That’s it. Thank you to Scott Keith, who has your NXT report, Tommy who has your weekend covered with the Smackdown recap and AndyPG who will start your week off right with the RAW write-up.

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