Matt’s Monday Night RAW Recap: 3/9/2015

I
laughed my ass off at this week’s installment of BoD RAW, written, of
course, by the great Brian Bayless. He wrote my character a nice, juicy
Heyman-esque spot where I tell everybody why Everything Sucks™. 
That should, honestly, be the new name for the recap.
But, I digress…
Last
week, I got a lot of flack for shitting on a product that, apparently,
really touched the hearts of some the Blog of Doomers. Re-reading what I
wrote, I guess I was pretty cruel and the show was, really, some of the
best TV WWE has ever put forward.

Boy, was I wrong about things.
So, I’m totally gonna not shit on the show tonight. I’m gonna be POSITIVE! 
So, come at me, bro. Give me your WORST!
We start with a recap of PSEDUOHEELRANDYORTON and the match between Reigns and like six guys.
We are LIVE(!!!) from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!!!
Harlem Heat, MIGGAL and JBL are the guys at the desk.
Orton heads out to the ring to do business with the Authority who applauds him inside the ring.
TONIGHT: a 2-on-1 Handicap Match will see Orton and Rollins facing Roman Reigns.
Kane
wanted to make a public announcement to show that everyone that Randy
Orton is part of The Authority. Kane and Orton shake hands. Big Show has
the mic and says that he sees the most talented, sadistic and
aggressive athlete he’s even seen. Jamie Noble isn’t convinced and
nearly pisses his pants, yelling that Orton can’t be trusted. Rollins is
ALSO THANKFUL ORTON IS BACK. Joey Mercury also gives a thumbs up.
Rollins says that, even still, there’s an elephant in the room: Orton
isn’t part of The Authority no matter what they say. Heels are already
telegraphing to ending. That’s not bad at all. That’s awesome. He says
that him and Orton are both proud members of The Authority. The crowd
chants “RKO”. He says that everyone is stressed out. And nobody needs to
be. He welcomes Orton home and shakes his hand. Rollins introduces
Randy Orton, who gets a pop, despite the fact that he’s been introduced
as part of The Authority. 
Orton
says that he’s touched but it left him thinking something: what the
hell happened to The Authority? They shouldn’t be kissing somebody’s
ass. He says that Kane was the Devil’s Favorite Demon. He’s gone from
kickin’ ass and takin’ names to kissin’ ass and makin’ coffee. Show
laughs and Orton tells Show that all Show does is mope and feel sorry
for himself. Orton gets to Noble and asks if his hostility stems from
not being able to ride anything at Disneyland due to his height. He gets
to Mercury — then skips him and goes straight to Rollins. He says that
he WILL strike Rollins. And he will make it count. Rollins will feel
every bit of it. Everyone’s looking nasty…but Orton bursts into
laughter and says he was joking the entire time. Rollins laughs and
settles things down. Big Show shakes hands with Orton — but Kane is
scowling in the background.
Rollins says that they’re gonna derail Reigns because that’s what’s BEST FOR BUSINESS™.
Cole and JBL and Booker are amused! It’s funny when it’s fun! 
TONIGHT: Wiz Khalifa is here tonight as Cole pumps him up by declaring him “PLATINUM RECORDING ARTIST WIZ KHALIFA”.
ALSO: Lesnar’s here.
The
IC Title Ladder Match will have six people. The final spot is STILL
somehow open, as if Creative is waiting for the last possible second to
let the fans down by including Daniel Bryan.
Apparently, Daniel Bryan had his hands on the IC Title on Smackdown in a recap brought to you by Swiffer Wet Jet. The tiny commercial in the bottom right-hand corner is more exciting than this. That’s leading to our first match.
Also, R-Truth’s at ringside, so you know this match will end clean.
MATCH #1: Daniel Byran vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett (non-title)
Cole,
Truth and JBL talk about potato farming, which is relevant to what’s
going on in the ring. Bryan has the initial advantage, but goes for the
dropkick in the corner. Barrett nails him with a clothesline and kicks
him out of the ring and we’re going to break. When we come back, JBL is
talking to Truth and adding “izzle” to every last word he says. Bryan
manages to break a hold by Barrett and get a Crucifix pin for two.
Running knee ends it at 7:06 as Barrett loses his 4th match in one
month. But, that’s cool. None of that is awful.
WINNER: Daniel Bryan via Flying Knee.
RATING: A commercial break in the middle of a 7 minute match. Maybe 1/2 a *.
Post-match,
Barrett hits the Bullhammer on Bryan and leaves. He leaves the ring and
here comes Dean Ambrose. He hits a forearm on Barrett and heads to the
ring. At least the IC Title didn’t change hands 8 times in 4 seconds.
R-Truth stays at ringside.
MATCH #2: Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust
Crowd
chants for Cody (who came in with the IC Title) as Truth keeps talking
about potatoes. Ambrose hits a sitting dropkick on Star against the
ropes, then tosses Star outside and into the announce table. Ambrose
retrieves him and the two go back into the ring. Ambrose hurts his knee
and, guess what? Break time. When we come back, it’s a half crab by
Star. Part of me is impressed that Truth isn’t mentioning how well
potatoes go with crab. Ambrose breaks, then hits a Bulldog. Ambrose goes
for a clothesline and it’s a series of counters that ends in the
Rebound Clothesline. Dirty Deeds by Ambrose finishes this at 7:28.
WINNER: Dean Ambrose via Dirty Deeds
RATING: DUD. It’s the same match with interchangeable guys.
Post-match,
Ambrose grabs the IC title. And here come all the guys vying for the
title. With all them beating one another up, Truth steals the IC Title
as JBL whines about it, ad nauseum. Everyone hits a finisher which ends
up with Barrett standing tall. He looks for the title and goes to Truth
for it. Truth gives him the potato sack with the belt in it. Barrett
retreats into the crowd and celebrates while Truth runs up the aisle.
Barrett pulls out the IC Title — but it’s the toy version. Truth has
the real one. Shyamalan would be proud.
Michael Cole pushes the next WWE Hall of Fame inductee under the category of the Warrior Award: Connor Michalek.
STILL TO COME: Brock Lesnar addresses his “future”.
When
we come back, Paul Heyman’s in the ring to put over both guys in the
Championship match at WrestleMania. We get a sizzle reel where Reigns
talks about honing tools and “believing in opinions”, which makes no sense since everyone has an opinion on something.
Heyman
isn’t impressed and introduces Brock Lesnar. He says he gets that the
fans loved the video but it was nothing but propaganda. He says the
truth is that, when Roman Reigns was nine years old, his father used to
take Roman and his cousins, and they would point out the football
players in a bar. They’d have to beat them all up or else they weren’t
allowed to come home. I’m pretty sure we won’t find the arrest records
on Google, so let’s move on. He says that Reigns can’t beat Lesnar. The
crowd agrees. 
He
says that nobody will screw Lesnar out of the title. Not Rollins, not
the McMahons, not anyone. If they do, Lesnar will pretty much commit
murder and kill anyone involved. He says that, after Lesnar wins,
they’ll say that Reigns took a beating like nobody else has seen. His
mic cuts out just like last week. When it comes back on, he tells
whoever it is cutting out his mic to come get Lesnar and take the
title. 
Heyman
gets weird and says that Lesnar may decide to go to Vegas to beat up
Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. He says that the title belongs to
Lesnar — and he’s not giving it back. He says that Lesnar has done it
all. He even beat up the Undertaker badly, ending The Streak to the
point where Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. 
Meanwhile, Reigns never shows up and we go to break after the Handicap Match teaser. 
Bray Time: WrestleMania is almost here. He has Undertaker’s urn and wants to know where he is. He asks ‘Taker to find him.
MATCH #3: Kane & Big Show vs. Erick Rowan & Ryback
The
fans are so excited, they stand there, blinking. Ryback starts with
Kane. Ryback runs him over and then hits shoulders in the corner. Press
by Ryback followed by a Warrior Splash and Spinebuster. He goes for the
Meathook but Kane kicks his head off his shoulders. Tag to Big Show who
spears Ryback hard and then stomps at him. He slaps Ryback’s chest a
couple times and tags in Kane. Big Boot to Ryback and some stomps.
Ryback finally gets away and tags Rowan. He splashes Kane in the corner
as the crowd goes…to the grab a beer. Kane counters a move and chokes
Rowan on the ropes. With the ref’s back turned, Show accidentally decks
Kane instead of Rowan. Rowan gets the pin at 3:26.
WINNERS: Ryback & Rowan
RATING: DUD.
Ryback
and Rowan look like deer in headlights, then leave. Show gets into the
ring and apologizes. Kane says that they had the match in control. Steph
interrupts. She says the represent The Authority and WWE and stuff. She
says Randy Orton may have been right: Show and Kane are probably
useless. She wants her monsters back. She orders them out of the ring.
Steph tells them to pack up and leave the arena. The two men argue with
her but Steph ain’t havin’ it and they walk backstage, hanging their
heads. 
Because EVERYTHING MUST BE RECAPPED, we get a recap of the Miz/Niagra ad. 
Miz
is backstage. He talks to Wiz Khalifa working on an album together. Wiz
isn’t so impressed and tells Miz that he signed “Damien Wiz-dow”. So,
that’s the end of the Miz-dow feud, right? Miz-dow declares that he’s in
the Andre match. Remember when Miz-dow was the arrogant, sophisticated
heel who hated crap like this? 
Sheamus is returning. Really. They swear he is.
Time to watch Wiz Khalifa rap, my television says. Nu-uh, says my DVR remote.
LAST
MONDAY ON RAW: Paige was gonna win the Divas Championship, but lost for
some reason. Then AJ showed up again to resurrect a dead horse of an
angle that died a few months ago. 
Anyhow, they’re next.
We
get a clip of the Bellas in the new WWE Flintstones flick, which cuts
away. No, come on. Bring that back. That’s infinitely more interesting
than what I’m watching.
The Bellas are gonna knock Paige and AJ “into the stone age” at WrestleMania. Yabba…dabba…do. Ha.
MATCH #4: AJ Lee (w/ Paige) vs. Summer Rae (w/ Eva Marie)
Eva’s
boob must be feeling much better for her to be out here doing valet
work. Summer barely walks through her move set as JBL is more concerned
about “Yabba Dabba Doo” trending. AJ hits a quick DDT and gets two.
Summer tries a slam and ends up hitting a roundhouse kick for two. AJ
comes back and hits the Black Widow for the win at 3:07.
WINNER: AJ Lee via Black Widow
RATING: DUD.
NEXT: We hear Sting TALK. Holy shit, my heart…
When
we come back, Sting is wearing a voice modulator that makes him sound
like Nailz doing phone sex and he talks about taking Triple H down —
something he’s waited 14 years to do, which is why he spent all that
time in TNA, wrestling a drunk Jeff Hardy and pretending to be the
Joker.
NEXT: Somebody jobs to Rusev. 
Cena
bumps into Rusev backstage. He says Rusev should be a hero. He has the
“right to free speech” but Cena has the “right to shut his mouth”. Huh?!
Apparently, Curtis Axel is gonna wrestle Rusev because he can imitate Hulk Hogan.
MATCH #5: Rusev vs. Curtis Axel
Beating. Superkick. Accolade. Done at 0:25.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
RATING: DUD.
Rusev
gets a mic. He says Cena lives in the past. Lana tells him that they
should leave. He says if America had a soul, he’d spit on it. 
Out
comes Cena and it’s a brawl. Cena knocks him down and hits the STF
until Rusev is knocked unconscious. WWE Security and some refs arrive
and Cena goes outside to get a water bottle. He pours water on Rusev to
wake him, then locks in the STF as Rusev taps over and over. Lana pleads
for Cena to let him go. Cena holds the move until Lana gives him the
match he wants. Cena grins in the most evil manner I’ve ever seen, which
just spoils any heat Cena was supposed to have obtained.
Bray Time: Bray be like “I want to fight, being dead don’t phase me…I’ve got your urn, so find me, maybe…”
Backstage, Rusev is getting checked out. Lana shows up. They loudly yell at each other in Russian.
MATCH
#6: The New Day (Big E & Xavier Woods) (w/ Kofi Kingston) vs. WWE
Tag Team Champions Tyson Kidd & Cesaro (w/ Natalya) (non-title)
Oh,
yeah…The New Day still exists. Xavier hits a Hurricarana on Tyson.
Big E tags in and tosses Xavier into Tyson in the corner. He hits
multiple backbreakers and it’s another tag to Woods. Two count. Tyson
comes back with an elbow and the heels nail some nice double team moves,
swarming Woods from all sides. Cesaro hits a huge uppercut and tags
Tyson who stomps Woods and works on his knee. Tyson locks Woods’ leg.
Tag to Cesaro, who comes in and stomps on Woods, then locks in a half
crab. Woods kicks out of it and Cesaro tags Kidd. Nattie
distracts…somebody, I guess. Tyson tells her to back off. Cesaro pulls
Nattie off the mat. Woods wraps up Kidd and drops Kidd’s head on the
mat for the win at 3:45.
WINNERS: The New Day
RATING: 1/2 a *. I don’t think we’re going higher than this all night, folks.
Post-match, Cesaro berates Nattie and the Usos and Naomi show up.
We go to break.
MATCH #7: Natalya (w/ Cesaro & Tyson Kidd) vs. Naomi (w/ Jimmy & Jey Uso)
What’s
better than a shitty tag match? A Divas match that arbitrarily stacks
on top of it like fucking Jenga! Nattie drops Naomi to the mat but Naomi
counters and there’s a bunch of pretty cool roll up pins. Nattie
finally puts Naomi to the mat and hits a dropkick to Naomi’s face.
Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter but Naomi counters and sends Nattie
into the buckle. Outside, it’s a brawl between the Usos and Cesaro. Back
in the ring, Naomi hits the Rear View for the win at 1:45.
WINNER: Naomi via Rear View
RATING: DUD.
Post-match,
Nattie grabs Tyson’s tag belt and tells Kidd that it belongs to her.
Then Los Matadores just fucking show up because why the hell not?
MATCH #8: The Usos (Jimmy & Jey) (w/ Naomi) vs. Los Matadores (Diego & Fernando) (w/ El Torito)
Usos
and Matadors shake hands. Jey starts with one of the Matadors and we’re
going to break. When we come back, nothing at all has changed. I’m
pretty sure the same two guys are in the ring as Cole tells us “the big
news tonight” is that the New Day beat Cesaro and Kidd. JBL: “THAT is
the ‘big news tonight’? Did you not see John Cena making Rusev
tap and get his match at WrestleMania?!” Meanwhile, the Matadores fly
all over the ring. Jey and a Matador fly into one another. Tag to Jimmy
who hits a Crossbody for two. He goes for another move but gets DDT’ed.
Two count. The Matador goes off the second buckle but gets Superkicked.
Two count. Flying Uso by Jey to the outside. Jimmy hits Diego with a
Samoan Drop. El Torito gets involved and distracts Jimmy and a Yet
Another Distraction Roll Up Pin wins it for the Matadores at 8:04.
WINNERS: Los Matadores
RATING: **. The match of the night. Yes. It is.
Cole recaps the beginning stuff with Orton.
Rollins
is backstage with his case. Noble and Mercury warn Rollins about Orton.
Rollins tells them that he trusts Orton and that he wouldn’t just tell
everyone his plan.
NEXT: Bray Wyatt is here.
When
we come back, Bray’s in the ring, doing one of his goofy apocalyptic
rants. The buzzards guide him. Below them is a shell of a man. It’s the
mighty Undertaker. He won’t worship ‘Taker or do anything with ‘Taker
except walk over his bones. He’s the new face of fear. He says that
WrestleMania 31 will be the Undertaker’s final resting place as well as
his requiem. He calls out The Undertaker. He asks if the urn brings back
the dead. He opens the urn, pretends to be scared, then laughs his ass
off. He says the urn is empty…then the urn smokes and we hear thunder
and see lightning. Bray yells to “bring it”. The bell tolls and the
arena goes dark. When the lights come back, we see Bray’s rocking chair
in the ring. On the Jumbotron, the words “THE MAN COMES AROUND” (in
reference to the Johnny Cash song cover) appear. Lightning strikes it
and the chair burns. Bray thinks this is hilarious, which kills this
feud dead in a matter of seconds. Crowd is dead when they realize ‘Taker
isn’t really here.
MOMENTS AGO: Bray called out The Undertaker and The Undertaker’s voice from WWE ’12 answered him.
ALSO NOT REALLY MOMENTS AGO: Cena beat up Rusev and got his match.
ALSO ALSO NOT REALLY A FEW MOMENTS AGO: BROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNARBROCKLESNAR…and he will beat Roman Reigns.

Surprisingly, they don’t show the “big news of the night”, which was The New Day, knocking off Cesaro and Kidd.
MATCH #9: Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton & Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) in a 2-on-1 Handicap Match
Rollins
convinces Orton that he should go first. Orton agrees and Reigns knocks
the taste out of his mouth. Rollins sends him outside. Rollins goes
after him but the ref holds him back because that’s what refs do.
J&J go after Reigns but the refs back him off. Rollins finally goes
outside but Reigns uppercuts him and we go back in the ring. Rollins
takes him down for two. J&J start barking at Orton to help Rollins.
Orton knocks Noble down. Rollins orders the two of them backstage.
Reigns takes over and hits a clothesline. He tosses Rollins into the
corner but misses the clothesline. Reigns regains control and Rollins
goes to tag Orton — who moves his hand. He tries again but Orton puts
two middle fingers up. Reigns hits a Spear and wins at 4:08.
WINNER: Roman Reigns at 4:08
RATING: 1/4 of a *, if that.
Post-match,
Orton just glares at Rollins, then enters the ring at the pace of
drying paint. He lifts Rollins up and slaps at him, then sends Rollins
outside. Orton lifts him up and hits a running clothesline. He sends
Rollins into the crowd barricade, then into the steel stairs. He asks
Rollins if he’s stupid enough to believe that Orton would join The
Authority again and hits an uppercut. Orton grabs a chair and
sloooooowly stalks Rollins. He cracks Rollins across the back with the
chair, then slowly continues to stalk him again, hitting chair shots
every few seconds. He tells fans to “take a picture” and they whip out
their cameras. They get back to the barricades where Orton hits the
Vintage Orton DDT. 
Orton
picks Rollins up and just tosses him across the announce table like a
fucking javelin. Orton strips the table and sets up for an RKO into the
table and hits it beautifully. He yells into Rollins’ ear that he’s not
letting it go. 
Finally, we go off the air.
OVERALL: *. Boring as fuck with a pretty kick ass ending. Too little, too late.
And, of course, before we go…the best of Monday Night Open Mic:

Er…that’s it.