The Only Review of Summerslam 2013’s Main Events That You’ll Ever Need

Let’s get down to the business of getting down!

I decided to only do the main events of this PPV because the undercard just wasn’t interesting in the slightest. Although I did catch a bit of that Inferno Match. What the HELL is with this Wyatt Family and that stupid lantern? I mean, he lights it up just to blow it out? Caliber votes no on this.

On with the good stuff…

Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio [C] “North of the Border vs. South of the Border” “Affluence vs. Charisma” – World Heavyweight Championship
Am I the only one who prefers when the WHC has the red inlay?
Del Rio grabs the first round of momentum and quickly begins work on Christian’s arm, injuring it with the quickness. Captain Charisma turns the tide with a dive off the top rope, and then some well-planned reversals and timed offenses. Del Rio gets his run back with a sick second-rope Backstabber. Soon after, Christian attempts a spear, but Del Rio offers both his feet smashing into Christian’s face instead. Later, Christian is put in the Arm-Breaker, and they annoy the hell out of me when Christian rolls up to try and reach the ropes, and is clearly pinning Alberto at the same time, but no count is made. He’s flipped back over and has to tap. This was a solid match that really played the back and forth game well, and I’d be more than happy to see them go at it again, especially with an added stipulation. Christian is just an unstoppable workhorse.
Captain Charisma taps to the CAB at 12:29 | ***1/2 A worthy precursor to the main events of tonight’s PPV. Perhaps not worth tracking down, but definitely don’t skip it when you get the PPV.

CM Punk vs. Brock Lesnar – “Wolverine vs. The Incredible Hulk” “The Best vs. The Beast” – No DQ

First off, THAT’S how you start a brawl, with both guys running at each other like freight trains that have absolutely no care for their own body, so long as the other person is hurt worse. Wow, Lesnar really needs to work his legs more. They’re embarrassingly small compared to his upper body. Punk gets some momentum after smashing Lesnar’s head with repeated knees, but soon Brock returns to form and literally throws Punk all over the place, it’s fantastic. Back in the ring, Brock continues to work through pain, taking Punk’s occasional flurries. Hell, Brock doesn’t even go for his first pin until 10 minutes into the match. They trade submissions, and Lesnar actually taps out. But see, Lesnar’s version of tapping out is powerbombing you so hard he’s charged for attempted vehicular homicide, and that doesn’t even make sense. Punk nails Lesnar with a few graphic chair shots until Brock catches one and attempts to return the favor, however he gets punched in the Cock Lesnar, and follows it up with a variant of Sabu’s Arabian Face Buster. After that, the third act of the match is fucking beautiful, and is the stuff written in dreams. Brutal chairshots, submissions, finishers, reversals, close-calls and counters. I mean, when Brock hits Punk with the chair, it’s not because he’s mad Punk hit him with it, no, he’s mad because fucking Punk wasn’t doing it right. An F5 on the chair finishes what is arguably not only the MOTY, but the greatest SummerSlam match of all time. Oh, and Triple H, next time you lose a big-time match, please reference this on how it’s done. You get up, you’re pissed off, you show it, and leave. You don’t sit around in hopes the crowd gives you a verbal BJ.
Brock hits Punk with an F5 on the chair for the pin at 25:17 | ***** This match was so burly, the word document I wrote this up in needed a shave. A fantastic battle, and a modern classic. If you haven’t seen it, do so immediately.

John Cena [C] vs. Daniel Bryan “The Champ vs. The Dragon” “Never Quit vs. Never Shave” – WWE Championship

They start off with some traditional chain wrestling, however Cena is too much of a monster for Bryan to wrangle. They brawl outside for a moment, including a pretty sick suplex off the steel chairs. Back in, Cena tries to put Bryan down with some power moves, but Bryan proves resilient when he pummels Cena to the mat with a barrage of kicks and elbows. Cena is wrestling with this fantastic aura of “I’m only giving you 50 percent, because any more and you’d break. Oh, you want to push me? OK…” Great spot for Bryan where he keeps leveling Cena with kicks to his injured elbow, and then yells “GET UP!” Bryan does one hell of a brilliant move where he superplexes Cena off the top rope, but locks his legs between the ropes, thus not having to take the impact. Afterwards, Cena MAKES Bryan when he puts him up on the top turnbuckle in an attempt to give him a top rope AA. When the hell have we seen him do that? This shows that he sees Bryan as one huge fucking threat. Ooh, soon after Bryan attempts his whole flip-backward off the turnbuckle ordeal, and you can tell Cena was supposed to catch him for an AA, but missed. That would have really been something. He soon finishes off Cena with one of the most devastating fucking moves I’ve ever seen. I mean, he practically rocketed upward into Cena’s chin. Awesome. From here on out, the move will be known as the Goat Knees Pizza. I have to say, I didn’t love this match as much as others. I expected a bit more frenzy, intensity and close-calls, but was still happy with what I got. However, this is one of the most important matches in history, because it’s the final nail in the coffin of “only big guys can be champion/main event.” Not only did Bryan defeat Cena clean as a sheet, but he hung with Cena at every step, and John treated him like one of the biggest threats he’s ever had. After the match, Orton comes out to cash-in, decides against it, Triple H Pedigrees Bryan, Orton comes in for the pin and the title. I really dug the whole turn, and love that Bryan was a man and took the Pedigree like someone from the 90s.
John Cena eats The Goat Knees Pizza and a pin at 26:54 | ****1/4 Not a classic in terms of quality, but a classic in terms of what it means. Still though, great stuff mat-wise and worth spending your time and money on.

Something I love about the end is that no one boos what Orton does. Because as wrestling fans, we see it as a start of a great angle, so we cheer that. We love it when we think we have it all mapped out, only to be surprised. Of course, as long as that surprise is actually good and makes sense.

I can’t be the only one who would have traded my tickets just for the chance to have Henry splash me, right? For those that didn’t see the PPV, a fan from a house show was allowed to trade his tickets for Summerslam tickets, if he allows Henry to splash him. He also has to wear this really stupid Dorito’s shirt.

As always, much thanks to my editor, Steven Ferrari. I met Steven when I moved to California with my mom. I was getting beat up by the popular guys at school, and Steven was not just the apartment handyman & editor, but he was also a karate expert, and he taught me how to defend myself. Then there was this one time we went to Okinawa…

For more Caliber, there’s always…
Str8 Gangster, No Chaser – Recently updated with 4 Most Fucking Frustraiing Moments In My History With Nintendo, along with reviews for The Wolverine, Kick-Ass 2, and the most recent episodes of Breaking Bad & True Blood.
WCW In 2000 – Recently updated with a Nitro where there was, get this, a swerve!
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Till next time…