I needed a week off due to all the horrible shite going on in wrestling but don’t worry, I’m sure the death rattle of ECW on Sci-Fi will cheer me up. Tonight, it’s finally The Homecoming Finale and we get a dramatic video package to pretend this hasn’t been boring crowds senseless these past few weeks.
It’s the first episode of 2010 and let’s ignore that giant moon heading ever closer to the brand and focus on CM Punk vs. Mark Henry instead.
We’re in IZOD Centre in New Jersey and in the spirit of ECW ’98, the champion is here to guest commentate until his contract gets sorted out. Christian is thrilled to sit next to Josh Mathews and Bryant Gumbel (I don’t understand that reference but it’s the only thing of interest he says all night.)
We’re in Orlando, Florida to continue the road to ECW Homecoming (while the brand continues down the road to the knacker’s yard).
We’re in Laredo, Texas and Alleged GM Tiffany has invited former champ Kane to show up, as if WWE would consider bringing an old star to the C-Brand to boost ratings in 2020.
We’re in Houston, Texas and Josh Mathews is starting the show so you’d better bring some rope to tie yourself to your chair in case you fall off with excitement.
We’re getting near TLC and nearer to death so why not have new talent debut?
We’re a few days removed from Survivor Series, a show that had very little ECW interaction as the other brands wonder how many more hints they need to give to the C-Brand. We’re in Bridgeport, Connecticut and The Abraham Washington Show is tonight so let’s get this over with.
The show starts off with CM Punk anticlimactically returning, a trope he’d perfect over the next ten years. He’s full-on anti-Jeff Hardy at this point so the crowd aren’t happy to hear him bragging about being the first ever Triple Crown Straight Edge champion. I wonder if he ever called himself Major Threat?
It’s Veteran’s Day and somehow WWE is able to put on a wrestling show while patting itself on the back.
Right let’s carry on the death march to NXT.
Speaking of which I’m completely dead from my mate’s stag do so expect some quality typing. (edit: Ohhhh, I wondered why I started typing this up in January and didn’t come back to it until March. My mate was so blitzed I had to carry him around the club like Flair wrestling Kerry Von Erich for an hour. After physically shoving pizza into his mouth and holding him down in the taxi as he requested the driver play “that song from The Witcher”, I got him back safe and sound only for his fiance to ask why we bothered. It was a fun night.)
It’s been a while since I did one of these, due to the festive period and my complete lack of interest in the brand now there’s less than twenty shows left. It’s like getting attached to the villagers in Majora’s Mask.
Right now this show is colder than Labour’s approval levels so let’s recap the relevant news from Powerslam Magazine #184:
Ezekiel Jackson vs. Goldust
We’re at the University Of Kentucky but nothing’s happening on the show so we go straight to a match, oh goody.
Dramatic recap of Regal becoming ECW On Syfy GM and using his powers to immediately lose to Yoshi Tatsu. Regal starts the show, hopefully he stays there the whole episode. He makes himself the Number One Contender to the ECW Title which causes Ryder to complain (to no reaction). Christian brings out three guys who deserve to be Number One Contender more than Ryder & Regal: Angelo the janitor who replaced all the urinal cakes in the arena today, Yoshi Tatsu who pinned Regal last week and Tony Atlas who can do this:
Tiffany shockingly makes her return after a whole week away and makes some matches for tonight and even by the cold, cold standard of many an ECW on Syfy crowd, these fans were deathly silent so this is going to be a loooOOOOooong hour.
King Regal starts the show by informing us Tiffany has been involved in a car accident and he will be taking her place as ECW GM. YES YES YES THANK YOU USOS & WHITE CLAW. He immediately changes the main event of Christian vs. Zack Ryder to Christian vs. Zack Ryder & The Regal Roundtable in a four-on-one handicap match because he’s a genius.
And if that wasn’t enough excitement for you all, we start with The Abraham Washington Show!
Moved this to Monday as a Saturday PPV means “no-one’s reading this shit.” We start with The Abraham Washington show which I believe they call a very cold open.
But first let’s look at Breaking Point: the PPV so successful they never did it again!
The Hurricane vs. Paul Burchill
The Hurricane and his fantastically dramatic entrance start the show and for once Striker’s ridiculous calls (“let’s watch this Graphic Novel unfold”) sets the mood, at least until Sister Fucker shows up.
We’re in Cleveland, Ohio (Japanese crowd: “OHIOOOO!”) and the main event is…a replay of Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker?