The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.02.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.02.94

Taped from Wilkes-Barre PA, on 06.21.94

Your hosts are JIM ROSS and Jerry Lawler.  Oh thank god.  I wouldn’t be able to take another week of Gorilla Monsoon phoning in his commentary.

Doink the Clown v. IRS

Jim Ross immediately questions where IRS is getting his financial information on people, specifically with regards to their tax records.  Doink chases him out of the ring, and back in for a sunset flip that gets two.  IRS puts the boots to him and follows with a back elbow because going to the dreaded abdominal stretch and JR immediately accuses him of using the ropes, before he even does it!  But then he does, so I guess I’ll cut JR some slack.  Irwin continues beating on Doink and drops an elbow for two before going to a chinlock.  Doink fights out and comes back with a clothesline, and a snap suplex gets two.  Blind charge misses, but Dink steals the briefcase.  HEY!  THAT’S NOT YOURS!  IRS rightly threatens to beat up the clown with the case for that egregious theft, but Doink hauls him back in and cradles for two.  And then IRS reverses for the pin at 5:00.  And then Dink switches cases, at which point Irwin opens it and a tiny fire cracker goes off.  Wow, hilarity.  0 for 1.  Like they couldn’t even do the standard “snakes in a can” gag for the payoff?

Meanwhile, 1-2-3 Kid and Alundra Blayze learn to go skydiving.  I bet Waltman was high as f--- while he was jumping out of the plane.

1-2-3 Kid v. Reno Riggins

Kid takes Reno down with a headscissors and chases Reno to the corner with KARATE.  Reno chops him and follows with a jawbreaker to take over, and a northern lights suplex gets two.  Riggins chokes him out on the ropes, but charges and walks into a leg lariat from the Kid.  Kid hits him with the lightning legdrop  and a floatover suplex for two.  Kid misses a dropkick and Reno goes up to finish, but Kid brings him down with a superplex for the pin at 3:41.  This was a GREAT squash.  1 for 2.

Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is FORCED by the authorities to do a public apology to Duke Droese for disrespecting his garbage and beating him up.  Kind of reminded me of the bit with the Warrior being forced to apologize that came out on his A&E Biography.  OK, so explanation time.  With all the bad publicity coming out around the steroid trials at this point, advertisers were understandably gun-shy about dealing with the WWF, so they had to essentially pledge to go strictly PG and remove basically anything that was overly aggressive, like choking or foreign objects.  And then after they made that promise, Jerry Lawler kind of shot his own angle with Duke Droese and went ahead and beat him up with the garbage can anyway, and didn’t clear it with anyone in the office first.  So as a result, he had to go on the 06/27 RAW (and then again on this show) and shoot a public apology as a make-good to the sponsors.  So it was actually a shoot apology.  Wrestling is WEIRD, man.

The Heavenly Bodies v. Rich Myers & Derec Domino

Domino gets a sunset flip on Dr. Tom for two while Lawler takes out his frustration on JR by accusing him of being a hick.  If that isn’t the pot calling the kettle a redneck.  Rich Myers comes in and gets some offense on Prichard, but Del Ray cuts him off with a back elbow out of the corner, and Dr. Tom finishes with a flying elbow at 2:18.  The Bodies were just drifting aimlessly in the midcard at this point.  1 for 3.

Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase begins building his Corporation with Nikolai Volkoff and “Undertaker”.  Then, last week on RAW, he buys Bam Bam Bigelow, and apparently Lex Luger is NEXT.  So if you’re ever on a game show and the category is “Formation Dates of the Worst Stables in the History of Wrestling”, just remember July 2 1994.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Mike Maraldo

Bigelow quickly flattens him with a corner splash and then finishes him with a Million Dollar Dream into a bulldog at 0:41.  Hey, that’s a heck of a finisher!  Someone should steal that.  2 for 4.

The Heartbreak Hotel with special guest Paul Bearer.  Shawn mocks Bearer, who responds that he’s had “contact” with the Undertaker.  Shawn is skeptical, at which point the lights go out and Bearer is orgasmic with excitement because Undertaker’s music is playing.  Just awful.

The Smoking Gunns v. The Executioners

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before but the Gunns have now been retconned from Wyoming cowboys to standard Texas cowboys.  You know what we need?  Someone based on Rip from Yellowstone.  Now THAT’S a cowboy.  IF YOU WANT TO FIGHT, FIGHT HIM.  You should watch Yellowstone is what I’m saying.  Billy takes Pain down with a headscissors and chases him out of the ring, and it’s over to Agony.  Bart overpowers him and gets a hiptoss, as lucky the masked men have their names written on their tights so we can tell them apart.  Kind of negates the mystery but 1994 was a different time.  Sidewinder finishes Agony at 2:18.  Pain and Agony kind of sums up these shows.  2 for 5.

Jim Neidhart v. Todd Mata

Neidhart is using the original mix of the Hart Foundation music in a nice touch.  I don’t know why the announcers never talk about the New Foundation when referencing Neidhart and Owen as a team.  They were a good team!  Anvil beats Mata down with the clubbing forearms and follows with a backdrop and more clubbing forearms.  Powerslam and Anvil finishes with a camel clutch at 2:15.  They probably could have gotten some juice out of Bret Hart v. Jim Neidhart before going to Owen, but they only had a couple of house show matches and never went there again for whatever reason.  2 for 6.

Next week:  Alundra Blayze v. Luna!  Undertaker v. Tatanka!  Well at least that sounds nominally more interesting than the last few weeks of dull nonsense.