The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 06.20.22

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 06.20.22

I’m sorry for missing last week’s show in favor of whatever that abomination I reviewed instead was.  I won’t let you down again.

OK, I probably will, if we’re being honest with each other.

Taped from St. Louis, MO

Your hosts are Excalibur, Mark Henry & Anthony Ogogo.  Oh this is gonna be a trainwreck.

Serena Deeb & Mercedes Martinez v. Heather Reckless & Tootie Lynn

I’m not liking Tootie’s chances here.  Deeb takes Tootie down and goes for a cross armbreaker right away, but Tootie makes the ropes.  Holy cow that arena is EMPTY at this point in the night, they can’t even disguise it with lighting.  Tootie gets a bit of a comeback, but misses a dropkick and Mercedes comes in and crossfaces her while Deeb takes care of Heather with a suplex.  Reckless comes in and Mercedes puts her down with a spinebuster, but we get some miscommunication from the heels while Heather does some bad selling.  Deeb-tox follows and we get stereo submissions to finish at 4:24.  This was pretty bad and little crowd there was didn’t make much noise for it.  0 for 1.

Frankie Kazarian v. Andrade

They fight for the lockup to start and it turns into a shoving match, before Andrade rolls him into a wristlock.  Ogogo clarifies that all the kids in England would call this one a “banger”.  Isn’t that a wacky British name for breakfast sausage?  Do the kids really love breakfast sausages over in England and compare great matches to them?  Britain is WEIRD.  Kaz gets a headlock and manages to throw Andrade to the floor to prevent his escape, and he follows with the guillotine legdrop on the apron while Jose the Assistant buys some time for Andrade.  Andrade runs him into the post and they head back into the ring and trade chops, but Andrade gets a knee strike for two to take over.  He bends the crap out of Frankie’s shoulder with a nasty looking hammerlock, but Kazarian escapes the hammerlock DDT and makes the comeback.  A slam gets two and Jose annoys him again, allowing Andrade to get a kind of hiptoss into the corner.  That looked weak.  He follows with the running knee in the corner for two.  Andrade goes up and Kazarian brings him down with an Ocean Cyclone Suplex for two.  Well that’s something you don’t see every day.  Andrade hits him with a flatliner into the corner, and El Idolo finishes at 8:43.  The crowd was still filing in for this one but it had good heat and both guys worked hard.  1 for 2.  I daresay this one was BETTER than breakfast sausages!

Nyla Rose & Marina Shafir v. Heidi Howitzer & Max the Impaler

See, now THOSE are good jobber names.  Nyla feeding inside info to Sean Ross Sapp on Twitter is one of my favorite running gags lately, although once again I must put over Nyla’s delightful Twitter feed in general.  Max is apparently some kind of demon or caveperson, I’m not 100% sure.  The heels double-team Max in the corner and Marina tries for a sleeper on Max’s back, but Max hauls her over to the corner and brings Heidi in.  Things kind of fall apart (shocking I know) and Shafir ties up Heidi in some kind of wacky submission move at 3:20.  Yeah this was a thing.  ZERO breakfast sausages for this one.  1 for 3.

Keith Lee & Swerve Strickland v. Mat Fitchett & Davey Vega

Keith totally leaves Swerve hanging on the entrance ramp, although to be fair Swerve DID call him dead weight on Twitter after the battle royale.  So I guess they’re even now.  Friendships and tag teams can be complex issues.  Swerve takes Vega down with a headscissors and follows with a springboard elbow, but Keith doesn’t really want to tag in yet.  So the job guys double-team Swerve with a senton and Keith is all “Gosh, that looks like it hurt” from the apron.  Swerve fights them off alone, but Keith tags himself in and pounces Fitchett out of the air in a cool spot.  Swerve offers his apologies and gets out of the way while Keith hurls them into each other and then poewrbombs one geek onto the other geek and finishes with the Spirit Bomb at 3:05 while ignoring Swerve’s pleas for a double-team finish.  Man, Keith Lee really holds onto a grudge.  But they still bump fists at the end for a job well done.  2 for 4.

Rebel v. Anna Jay

This is apparently Rebel’s first match of 2022, which is evident because she tries a suplex and Anna reverses into the choke at 0:25 to finish.  Well she’s still hot at least.  2 for 5.

Tony Nese v. Warhorse

Big reaction for Warhorse, who I haven’t seen since he answered a Cody challenge many months back.  Nese necksnaps him and puts the boots to him in the corner.  Warhorse goes up, but Nese cuts him off with a superplex attempt, and Warhorse fights him off and follows with a missile dropkick.  Warhorse makes the comeback and tries a samoan drop of some kind, but Nese rakes the eyes and hits the running knee for the pin at 2:50.  Good enough for breakfast sausage, as the Brits say.  3 for 6.

Ruby Soho v. Miranda Gordy

Gordy boots Ruby off the apron during the song and attacks on the floor, and back in for some beatings in the corner as Excalibur confirms that Miranda is another child of Terry Gordy.  Well the first one kind of drifted out of wrestling completely so hopefully this one does better for herself.  Ruby fights back with a Saito suplex and goes up, but Gordy cuts her off.  Ruby legsweeps her and finishes with the Sister Abigail at 2:04.  Gordy looked very very green, as you’d expect.  Shockingly, she’s 32 years old already and apparently has been in the business for three years now, which doesn’t bode well for her future given her lack of presence and charisma here.  3 for 7.

Matt Sydal v. QT Marshall

Sydal takes him down with the headscissors, but QT cuts him off with a cheapshot.  Sydal gets a legdrop for two and a standing moonsault for two.  QT chokes him out on the ropes and Aaron Solo gets a shot from the floor and then trips up Sydal, allowing QT to catch a leg lariat and counter with a backbreaker for two.  They fight on the apron and Sydal necksnaps him to block a suplex, but the ref catches the Factor interfering and tosses them.  And then Sydal hits the Meteora and puts QT down with kicks before hitting a shotgun dropkick in the corner for two.  Sydal goes for the Lightning Spiral, but QT escapes, so Sydal gets a backslide for two.  QT hits him with an elbow, but Sydal snaps off a rana to escape a brainbuster and finish at 7:27.  QT getting his comeuppance is always a good time.  4 for 8.

Well, this one ended up right on the .500 mark, which I guess is half a breakfast sausage?