The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.04.94
HAHA FU Calgary Flames. I don’t even like the Oilers but I hate the Flames more so SEE YA.
Taped from Albany NY on 04.27.94. Yeah we’re definitely at the end of this lengthy taping cycle.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler
LAST WEEK: TREACHERY came to the ring in the form of Kwang, but it backfired and Adam Bomb lost to 1-2-3 Kid! AND THE ANIMOSITY BETWEEN THEM IS FESTERING! Admit it, you were reading that line in Vince’s voice in your head, too.
Oddly, we immediately go to Live Event News with Stan Lane, talking about the Hall of Fame inductions in Baltimore. Kind of weird to be promoting a local show like that without any TV coverage.
Nikolai Volkoff v. Derek Domino
Sadly Vince and Lawler talk over the ring introductions, where Volkoff is introduced as “being led to the ring by his master Ted Dibiase”. Volkoff gets a gut wrench for two and gives Domino a clean break on the ropes, which disgusts Dibiase. Vince meanwhile is DISGUSTED by someone like Dibiase, who constantly reminds people that he’s better than you just because he has more money. GOOD THING WE DON’T KNOW ANYONE ELSE LIKE THAT, HUH, VINCE? Dibiase continues giving this goober clean breaks and Dibiase has had enough of this sportsmanship crap and tells Volkoff to get on with it already. So Volkoff slams him and finishes with a godawful Boston crab at 2:32. We were supposed to be impressed by that lumbering performance from Nikolai and feel sorry for him? What a terrible debut for the new character. 0 for 1.
Meanwhile, Paul Bearer accuses Ted Dibiase of being a LIAR for saying he has the Undertaker under contract. Yeah well at least he’s not selling shitty pillows and fixing the election like Paul was! No wait that’s Mike Lindell. Sorry, got them confused again.
KWANG v. Adam Bomb
The heat machine is on FIRE for Adam Bomb after last week’s sort-of babyface turn, threatening to blow up my earbuds with excitement! Guys, take it down a notch, Bluetooth can only carry so much awesomeness. They immediately brawl on the floor and slug it out with FESTERING ANIMOSITY, and back in for some choking from the TREACHEROUS Kwang. This is better than 5 overtime hockey playoff games put together! Bomb kicks him down and makes the comeback and HOLY S--- I think I can see someone clapping in the fifth row! PUT THE BELT ON THIS F----- INSTEAD OF NASH! No wait I think the guy just farted and he was waving it off before his wife smells it. My mistake. But regardless, Kwang has had enough of the unstoppable Adam Bomb and his explosive babyface comeback of one or two clotheslines, and he decides to walk out on the match at 3:14, which SHOCKINGLY did not catapult Bomb to the heights of WWF champion within the week. Maybe he should shoot little nerf footballs into the audience to really put this act over the top? THEY’LL MAKE MILLIONS! 0 for 2.
Tatanka v. Reno Riggins
Tatanka hits Riggins with chops while Vince explains the heady concept of a (*checks notes*) “Lumberjack match”, which will apparently happen on RAW this Monday, just like in “the old lumberjack camps”. You know, we still have lumberjacks here in modern times, Vince. Dexter Morgan became one in the finale of the show, for example. Reno puts Tatanka down and makes a quality bit of wordplay about HAVING NO RESERVATIONS about beating on Tatanka, but this angers Tatanka and he quickly makes the comeback and finishes with the samoan drop at 2:50. Note to self: Don’t make Indian reservation jokes to Native American wrestlers until you’ve already won the match. It’s good lesson for all you kids out there reading these. 0 for 3.
KING OF THE RING UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!
Todd, on the Vince McMahon cutting edge of pop culture references, does a Carnac the Magnificent impression and within that impression, references Charlie Callas. See kids, back in, like, the 1920s, Johnny Carson was some kind of entertainer. I wanna say he was the guy who did the War of the Worlds radio show. I’ll ask Jim Cornette sometime. Hope that helped to clear it up.
BREAKING NEWS: Speaking of people from the 1920s, Roddy Piper cuts another rambling nonsensical promo with no boom microphone, from his home this time, and the poor bastards working as Kevin Dunn’s interns have to try to cut it together into something they can put on the air. One of these weeks they might succeed.
Also Todd suggests that everyone order the show for their dad on Father’s Day. Isn’t Dad typically the one PAYING for the cable bill? Some gift that is, jerk.
Owen Hart v. Phil Apollo
The geek ring announcer this week is a complete mental case but he’s a pretty good announcer, actually. Jerry Lawler ups the pop culture reference ante by calling back to the TV show “Queen For a Day”, which by the way aired in NINETEEN FIFTY SIX. Really got their finger on the pulse of the youth, these guys. Phil gets some offense on Owen to start and hiptosses him, but puts his head down and gets booted and slapped around by Owen. Vince notes that one of the invited guests for the Hall of Fame is “all three Valiant brothers…from a long time ago in the WWF.” Yeah, about a decade, that’s ancient history. Owen finishes with a missile dropkick and Sharpshooter at 2:41 and then puts the glasses on Apollo and slaps him around while pretending he’s Bret. 0 for 4.
Meanwhile, on that Monday night show, Jerry Lawler interviews Bret Hart and brings up their feud from the year before, but then calls out Shawn and Diesel and hides behind them. Bret and Diesel do their promos, which marks the first time Diesel calls himself BIG DADDY COOL, and then Diesel powerbombs Bret for the hard sell. I mean, I did buy the show back in 1994 so who am I to criticize the build, I guess? Also Diesel and Shawn celebrate with the WWF title belt afterwards. Yeah that’ll be the day that either of these midcard goofs ever hold that thing. HIGH FIVE!
…anyone? No? OK, moving on.
Anyway, Bret does a followup promo where he promises another family member in his corner to back him up. I bet Bruce Hart was rubbing his hands with anticipation and waiting by the phone after seeing this episode.
The Quebecers v. Tony Roy & Tim McNeeny
The Quebecers continue threatening the Headshrinkers while slapping around the jobbers and Vince reminds us that they’re on a collision course against each other. So anyway, the new team of Yokozuna and Crush is getting the title shot at the PPV. So you know, buy it now! For dad, apparently. Quebecers with the crab and legdrop combo on McNeeny at 1:30. 0 for whatever the f--- we’re up to now on this shitty episode. 20? 39? I lost count sometime back in April, I think.
LIVE EVENT NEWS! With Stan Lane!
Have we talked about the D-DAY CHALLENGE this week yet? No? Sure, why not. Anyway, it’s a tug of war with random groups of wrestlers against the COMBINED SEAGOING FORCES OF THE UNITED STATES, FOR AMERICA. They should use the Canadian seagoing forces, which is mostly the submarine in West Edmonton Mall. At least it would more of a fair fight. I still don’t know what tenuous connection of any this nonsense is supposed to have with D-Day, but apparently we will have highlights next week, so I can only assume it’ll be cleared up then.
Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase has a BIG SCOOP for us, as next week he will present the Undertaker, right here on Superstars! Huge if true.
I can’t believe there’s still two weeks of this garbage to get through and then I have to redo King of the Ring again on top of it. I’m the real hero for reviewing these shows.