Hoodslam: FTF X

FTF X
Date: October 4, 2019
Location: Oakland Metro Operahouse, Oakland, California
Commentator: Joe Brody

This is from Hoodslam, and to give you an idea of what is going on here, one of the company’s mottos is “don’t bring your f****** kids”. In this case, the FTF stands for F*** THE FANS and this card features Drugz Bunny and the Stoner Brothers (Rick and Scott). I have no idea what I’m getting myself into here so let’s get to it.

Note that I have never seen anything from this promotion before so I have no idea on storylines or characters.

A masked man in black and white tells us about an upcoming show in Sacramento.

The opening video talks about reality and features people smoking, uh, something illegal in various states, and lifting weights. This however, I believe meaning the show, is real.

The house band wants us to be censored excited. Music is played.

Here is our host, Broseph Joe Brody, who loves Axe body spray and Nickelback. You might remember him as AJ Kirsch from one of the last seasons of Tough Enough but he’s a bit better suited here. Middle fingers and F*** YOU BROs ensue as the fans either love the guy or want to kill him. He welcomes us to F*** THE FANS, which is what the fans start chanting. After running down the main event, he introduces the band (Squad Stewart), which has to be cut off from singing Rod Stewart. This is the accidental phenomenon, because this is HOODSLAM!

Broseph gives the fans some booze as the band plays some more, this time about how you shouldn’t bring your f****** kids.

Our first match is a drowning match so here is Otto Von Clutch as our special lifeguard.

Stoner Brothers vs. The Caution

That would be Rick Scott/Scott Rick (I said that right) Stoner (I think you get the idea) vs. Anton Vorhees/Dark Sheik. The Brothers come out to a song called Stonerized and are both smoking in and out of the ring. Since the referee is a lifeguard, we’ll start with a whistle instead of a bell. The Caution is knocked down to start and Vorhees is tossed into a powerbomb. They head outside to keep up the beating but it’s too early for the drowning (in one of the water filled buckets).

Anton gets some water in his mouth to spit in the Brothers’ eyes (Brody: “Do you know how badly water in the eyes burns? Shut up.”) and uses Scott as a launchpad for a hurricanrana to Rick. The drowning attempt is blocked but so is Rick’s double chokeslam attempt. Scott gets his brother’s head out of the water, allowing Rick to toss Sheik back into the ring but she sticks the landing and kicks Rick in the head.

Sheik gets powerbombed over the top into a German suplex as Brody insists on safety third. Back up and Sheik hits a top rope stomp onto Scott, setting up a Codebreaker to Rick. Multiple elbow drops keep the Brothers down but Scott is up with a double clothesline to the back of the head. Anton fights out of the water bucket and the Brothers hit each other by mistake.

Hold on though as he has an idea: a trip to the back lets him come back with a blue tunic and Link hat, which lets him breathe underwater (if you’re not a Zelda fan, ignore this). After the Zora splash, Anton has to save Sheik from being drowned, allowing her to hit a low blow. Scott is drowned for the win at 11:12.

Rating: C+. The stoner stuff isn’t for me, but the Zelda references had me cracking up more than once. If nothing else, this gives me an idea of what to expect from the show and I’m looking forward to it a lot more, so well done on the opener. The blue tunic was the icing on the cake and I had a great time with this, as ridiculous as it was.

Post match, Rick gives Scott the Heimlich to bring him back to life, with even Brody not being sure about that.

Brody gives the fans the code word in case the cops show up.

Best Athlete In The East Bay Title: Sweet Boone vs. Matt Carlos

Boone is defending (the golden fanny pack) and this is an I Quit match. Brody doesn’t seem to get Carlos, who waves his arms and head around a lot. On the other hand, he does get Boone dog Little BJ, who happens to be invisible. Boone is also the sheriff so he deputizes some fans. Carlos drives him into the ropes to start but gets hit in the face for his efforts.

Thankfully the referee remembers that grabbing the rope means nothing, with Brody talking about how there are no pinfalls or countouts, before realizing that they never have countouts around here. Boone pulls him down into a pretty bad looking ankle lock, which is countered into a headlock with some right hands to the face. A crucifix doesn’t get Boone anywhere so he switches to something like a reverse Koji Clutch. Boone switches to a half nelson, which is pretty easily reversed into a Crossface.

Boone says Booners Never Quit so he slips out and grabs the bad (I think we might have an intentional pattern here) ankle lock again. Back up and they go to the apron, with the fans shoving Boone back up from falling into the crowd. Boone switches places with him and dropkicks Carlos tot he floor, where there is no catch. A flip dive from the apron (complete with finger guns) drops Carlos again (Brody: “And f*** the fans, not of them can’t see.”). Carlos is back up with a DDT onto the apron and steps on Boone’s head for another NO.

Brody laughs at a fan for trying a CARLOS chant as Carlos goes to get something. This time it’s lighter fluid but Boone takes it away….and pours it on himself. Carlos is a bit freaked out but gets more annoyed when the referee gets knocked down. With Boone knocked down again, Carlos heads backstage and comes back with….a knife. They fight over said knife, but it eventually gets knocked to the floor.

The referee is FINALLY helped up and here is a former champion (Richard Schhhary. Get it?), whose arm is bandaged (after Little BJ bit him). Therefore, Schhhary steals Little BJ and puts him in a bag, which he then covers in lighter fluid. Brody: “YOU CAN’T! YOU WON’T! YOU WOULDN’T!” Boone begs him not to do it but since he can’t go through the ropes for the save, Carlos grabs a Crossface and Boone quits at 18:48 so he can save the dog.

Rating: C. This went WAY too long and it killed what momentum they had. You knew the dog was going to be involved in the finish in some way and they telegraphed the heck out of it. Granted on a show like this, teasing the invisible dog being lit on fire is something that fits perfectly. Boone and Carlos didn’t do much for me and the match needed to be shorter, but it could have been worse.

Schhhary steals the dog anyway and Carlos celebrates for a LONG time. Boone isn’t done though, and wants Schhhary in a beard vs. mustache match in two weeks.

Golden Gig Title: El Chupacabra vs. Joey Nuggs

Chupacabra is defending (with the title represented by a golden razor blade necklace), I believe the top title in the promotion. The referee, named Wiggles, gets a special entrance as well. Nuggs is a rather large karate guy, who doesn’t look like he does much karate. Chupacabra has a long entrance but hold on as here is Da Squaaad (that’s how it’s spelled).

They want to make this a bit bigger, so let’s make it a Dog Collar match. After a long time spent setting up the collar, Chupacabra chops away to start but gets powered into the corner without much effort. A knee to the ribs cuts Chupacabra down and it’s already time to choke on the ropes. Chupacabra slugs away but gets dropped with an elbow (or COMBO BREAKER according to Brody) as a fight breaks out in the crowd.

Nuggs takes him outside for a slam on the floor but Chupacabra is right back in to slug away. Some Cannonballs in the corner crush Nuggs and Chupacabra goes up, only to get pulled down by the collar. Chupacabra is able to send him back out to the apron but gets knocked down hard.

Nuggs goes up (with Brody telling the fans not to touch him) and misses a splash 9with the camera cutting away on the lack of impact for some reason. The referee starts the count, with Brody telling fans to shout random number to confuse him. Chupacabra is back up with Sliced Bread for two so he chokes Nuggs with the collar for the pin at 12:12.

Rating: C-. Much like the previous match, this one went on too long and it overstayed its welcome. The collar stuff was used, but they could have had a similar match without the gimmick in place. I’m not sure if this feels like a top level title match, but then again I don’t think this is your normal promotion. Neither guy looked particularly impressive though, and that hurt things a good bit.

Post match Nuggs, with his throat all messed up, yells at Brody and the fans for daring to try to talk to him after he got choked out. A lot of swearing ensues, with even Brody thinking it’s a bit much.

The referee comes out for the next match and apparently has to dance whenever Brody sings James Brown.

Intergalactic Tag Team Titles: Drugz Bunny/Cereal Man vs. Da Squaaad

Bunny/Man are defending (the titles have skulls in the middle) and the Squaaad is Hip Hop Harry/D-Rogue/Kenny K/Shakira Spears. Cereal is about five cereal mascots mixed together, and comes out to a song about holding out for a hero with several cereal properties. Bunny on the other hand is The Rabbit With A Habit and pours out some white powder before the match.

Hold on though, as the Squaaad says that since this is their show (I guess?), we’re doing this 4-2. The champs start fast and hit Harry with a double flapjack, followed by a DDT from Cereal. A legdrop hits Harry so the rest of the Squaaad comes in for the save. Brody: “All these f****** gimmicks.” Kenny comes in with a backbreaker to Bunny and it’s D-Rogue coming in to run him over again. Harry adds a springboard back elbow and Shakira comes in for some stomping.

A backdrop finally gets Bunny out of trouble and the hot tag brings in Cereal to clean house. Cereal hits a sidewalk slam on Harry and bulldogs Kenny onto him as everything breaks down. Bunny bicycle kicks Kenny down and Cereal Stuns Harry for…..not the pin as the Squaaad says not so fast. See, D-Rogue forgot: it’s elimination rules (for Da Squaaad, not for the champs). Kenny stands on Cereal’s back and then drops down on him with a splash for two. A running knee in the corner sets up a Cannonball for two more on Cereal as frustration is setting in.

Cereal gets up a boot in the corner though and it’s a butterfly suplex to give him a breather. The double tag brings in Bunny and Spears, the latter of whom gets kicked down. D-Rogue comes in for the save and slams Bunny, setting up a moonsault from Kenny (which lands on Bunny’s head) for two, with Cereal making the save. A Hart Attack gets rid of Spears though and we’re down to 2-2. We get the big staredown and Bunny gives Kenny an RKO. Cereal is taken down though and the Big Rig hits Bunny for the pin and the titles at 14:05.

Rating: B-. This is the same idea you have seen time after time and that is not a bad idea. It has been done for years because it is something that works so well. This is a case of screwing the fans over and it worked well, because it is a classic concept. Fans are not going to like cheaters and that is what happened here, especially after they lost in the first place. Good stuff here, even with the joke from the champs losing its spark pretty fast.

Oh and one more thing: Hip Hop Harry only has one leg. Not too shabby.

Post match Brody is a big scared of the Squaaad but does give a bit of serious analysis to what we just saw.

With Da Squaaad gone, Brody thanks the ban and gets a big barrel and beach ball for some beer pong with the fans. Some fans shoot from the crowd and get a beer if they hit. Nice way to fill in some time as the band plays. Brody has some beer of his own and suggests that he’ll have more later.

Since the main event is big, he brings out Wonder Dave as his guest commentator.

Rumble Of Rankings Ramifications

This is a Royal Rumble with 30(ish, Brody’s term) entities involved and the winner getting a Golden Gig shot next month. Glorious Banana a man in a banana suit who comes out to Robert Roode’s old theme, is in at #1 and Funnybone, a guy in skeleton paint, is in at #2 and we have 90 second intervals. They forearm it out and trade shoulders with Funnybone getting the better of things. Otto Von Clutch is in at #3 and gets in a staredown with Funnybone. That’s fine with Funnybone, who knocks him down but Banana is back up for some double teaming in the corner.

Batmanuel (I think you get the idea) is in at #4 and gets in a staredown with Von Clutch, whose offer of an alliance isn’t accepted. A running shoulder in the corner has Von Clutch in trouble and it’s Marcelo Montoya in at #5 (with the fans providing the buzzer sounds) for a springboard knee to Batmanuel. The fans chant SAFETY THIRD as everyone brawls until D-Rogue is in at #6.

Batmanuel was put out somewhere in there and Joey Smoak is in at #7. Brody: “I just heard a fan say don’t bruise the banana. That joke was a lot of things but one thing it wasn’t was appealing.” Smoak is sent to the apron but not out and it’s James C (thankfully not a Jim Cornette parody) in at #8. The smoking James comes in and offers fans his cigarette until it’s Johnny Drinko Butabi is in at #9 as the ring is getting way too full.

Smoak is on the floor, though it isn’t clear if he is out, even as Funnybone chops at a bunch of people. Batmanuel is back in and it’s Juice Lee at in #10 as Banana is out. Von Clutch is out as well as the ring is a bit less full. Brittany Wonder (no word on if she is any relation to Wonder Dave, or Wonder Boy, the latter of whom has nothing to do with wrestling) is in at #11 and gets to clean house, including a spinning DDT to James C.

Big B is in at #12 and Batmanuel is kicked out for an elimination. The fans are VERY happy with that, though not so enthusiastic when they find out Montoya was eliminated off camera. Neil “The Thrill” Harper is in at #13 and everything settles back down. Otis The Gimp is in at #14 as this match is starting to die a bit. After another batch of nothing, Christopher Torres is in at #15.

HBKen (and yes he has his own version of Shawn Michaels’ theme) is in at #16 and yes, he is based on the Ken from Street Fighter. Commentary thinks someone might have been eliminated but isn’t sure who so we’ll move on to Brutal Bob Hands in at #17. Hands, who is rather small, hits a chokeslam and then tosses Torres. Brittany is left laying on the mat and it’s Master Eriks (a ringmaster) in at #18.

Harper is tossed as there must have been some eliminations off camera as the ring is nowhere near full enough. Hands and James are tossed and it’s Matt Carlos in at #19. Funnybone is still in and hits a bid give onto a bunch of people. Then he does it again for a bonus but makes sure to go through the ropes. Then he grabs Banana, who is still at ringside with a bunch of other people, as Lee is knocked off the top and into a moonsault onto the pile on the floor. That’s not an elimination as he went through the ropes, even as it’s Hip Hop Harry in at #20.

Eriks is out and it’s Kenny K in at #21 to keep Da Squaaad strong. Bison Braddock is in at #22 and commentary makes a correction by saying that Lee WAS eliminated earlier. Brody says Braddock is #21 and I can’t imagine it matters that much. Shakira Spears is in at #23 to complete Da Squaaad as you can tell the people in the ring are getting a bit tired. Richard Schhhary is in at #24 and starts in with some paper cuts to be a real….never mind.

Drugs Bunny is in at #25 and maybe he can get things hopping. Big B is out and commentary ignores it as Bart-Man is in at #26. Simpsons jokes about as Bart-Man chokes Carlos and it’s Sweet Boone in at #27. He goes straight after Schhhary and gets rid of him, only to give chance and eliminate himself. Steven Tresario is in at #28 and Otis likes Shakira chopping him. Things slow down again….and it’s Team Rocket (Jesse and James, complete with Pokemon speech and costumes) in at #29/30.

As the Pokemon jokes abound, Thicc Martel, the Plus Sized Model (I laughed) is in at #31 to complete the field (I think?). Tersario is out and it’s….Broseph Joe Brody in at #32. He jumps over the top rope and is thrown out by James, sending him into a great rant. Team Rocket tossed out Martel and there’s a 3D to Carlos. Spears eliminates Drinko but and there goes Carlos with him.

There goes Bart-Man but Spears spears Team Rocket down. Bunny tosses Spears though and we’re down to Bunny, Jesse, James and Funnybone. A low blow isn’t enough to get rid of Bunny as he skins the cat back in, only to have James stomp him in the face. James actually tosses Bunny but it’s Funnybone up with a double noggin knocker. A double clothesline finally gets rid of Funnybone though and Team Rocket shares the win at 53:03.

Rating: D. I love a good Royal Rumble but that was not the case here. This went on WAY too long and the lack of acknowledging a bunch of the eliminations didn’t help. There were a few jokes that worked (Thicc Martel was hilarious) and Brody’s rant after being eliminated was great, but this went far too long and the jokes weren’t frequent enough to keep my interest. Cut the intervals down to a minute (at most) and it’s better, but for a show that is supposed to be a lot of fun, I was badly tuning out by the end out of pure boredom.

Brody thanks us for coming out and hits the catchphrase one more time to end the show.

Overall Rating: C-. This is a weird one, as the concept is a lot of fun and there were some genuine laugh/cheer out loud moments on this show. The Zelda stuff and Thicc Martel were good gags and the Steinerized parody was downright inspired. It is a feeling that works really well, though then you get to the problem: this show is three hours and twenty minutes long.

Now I can get that this would be very different as it’s a party atmosphere (and the booze/various substances probably helped) and way more fun in person, but my goodness this show needed to be about 30 (or more) minutes shorter. That main event was pretty close to horrible and I was begging for the thing to end. At some point the thing needs to wrap up and this show didn’t seem to get that at times. There is a lot of fun to be had, but this needed to be about two and a half hours max, not pushing three and a half.

One more thing: if this is something that you might want to check out (and it is REALLY fun at times), note that it is absolutely an adult show with a lot of language and crude jokes. It’s definitely something you need to be in the right company for, as hearing/seeing some of this out of context/by someone you might not want seeing it could be quite the problem.

 

 

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