The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 05.11.22

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 05.11.22

Live from Long Island, NY

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Tony Schiavone & Excalibur

Owen Hart Foundation quarterfinal:  Adam Cole v. Dax Harwood

Cole wins a lockup in the corner and once again reminds us of his name, so Dax takes him down with a headlock on the mat.  Cole gives us another Bay Bay, so Dax chops him down, but walks into a knee as Adam takes over.  Cole puts the boots to him in the corner, but Dax slugs back and tries for a Sharpshooter, which Cole reverses into a cradle for two.  Cole runs him into the post and the stairs outside and we take a break.  Back with Cole working him over in the ring, but Dax comes back with rolling germans and goes to the top.  They fight up there and Dax puts him down and follows with a dive, but Cole moves, so Dax hits him with a slingshot powerbomb instead and that gets two.  Cole with the neckbreaker on the knee for two.  Cole loads up a superkick, but Dax reverses to a rollup for two, and a crossbody gets two.  Another crossbody is blocked with a superkick for two, but Dax rolls him over for two.  Cole tries the Panama Sunrise, but Dax blocks it and tries another Sharpshooter.  Cole blocks that and tries the Sunrise again, but Dax rolls through and into a piledriver this time, for two.  Dax finally gets his Sharpshooter for the masturbatory Bret Hart reference, but his injured rib gives out and he can’t hang on.  Dax takes a breather on the apron and Cole runs him into the railing, but he beats the count.  Back in, Cole tries his own Sharpshooter just to be a colossal dick, and Dax has to tap at 15:35.  Poor Uncle Dax.  ***1/2

Meanwhile, Darby Allin and Jeff Hardy promise that one of them is going to the hospital.  Probably Jeff, due to oxygen deprivation.

Hangman Page joins us for commentary, setting up…

CM Punk v. John Silver

Punk has an Islanders jersey with John Tavares’ name and number just to be a troll.  Obviously that’s still a sore spot with Long Island.  Punk stalls for a bit outside and Silver hits him with a shoulderblock and a backslide for two.  Silver slugs away in the corner and goes up for a DDT, but Punk blocks it and clotheslines him down as we take a break.  Back with Silver coming back with chops and kicks and a brainbuster for two.  Silver goes up for another DDT attempt, but Punk blocks it again, so Silver tries again and hits it for two this time.  Punk escapes the Spin Doctor and boots him into the corner to set up the leg lariat.  Buckshot Lariat finishes at 7:18. Oh snap!  ***  And this will not stand with Hangman, so he storms down for a showdown, but Punk assures him that it’s just business.  And by the end of Double or Nothing, Page is gonna be shaking his hand, conscious or not. There’s some definite shades of grey going on here.

Meanwhile, Jamie Hayter and Dr. Britt Baker DMD are looking forward to facing in the semifinals.

DANHAUSEN v. Tony Nese

Danhausen tries to curse Nese, but Smart Mark Sterling distracts him and Nese finishes with the running knee at 0:30 to spoil Danhausen’s debut.  And then Sterling eggs him on by pointing out that Danhausen got an entrance and he didn’t, so Nese gives him another knee to send a message to all internet meme wrestlers.  Oh man there’s a bunch of people in DDT who just got put on notice!  And then Hook makes the save and Danhausen once again offers the handshake, which Hook accepts this time!  HOOK-HAUSEN IS HAPPENING!  ***********************$!$%@!!*********)(******  There’s currently three sets of tag titles active and they should probably just award them all to Hook-Hausen right now.  It’s only fair.

Meanwhile, Jericho narrates the next season of Dark Side of the Ring, which is about MJF.  We even get comments from “Legendary Jewish Wrestler” Barry Horowitz!  Jericho stopping the narration because MJF is an asshole but then agreeing to continue because he pays well was amazing.  This was legendary.

MJF joins us to sign his contract with Wardlow (who gets an entrance complete with “Boo Wardlow” screens), and he gets another giant babyface reaction.  So MJF allows Wardlow the chance to speak, but DOES NOT WANT the arena to boo him.  Even the people in the cheap seats, who are poor but still beautiful.  So the crowd disobeys MJF and boos Wardlow despite all of MJF’s attempts.  MJF even invokes the name of his best friend, “The American Rollercoaster” Cody Rhodes, who he will see in 2024.  So first up, Wardlow has to beat Shawn Spears in a cage match with MJF as referee.  And if he loses at Double or Nothing, he doesn’t get to be All Elite.  So Wardlow goes to sign but can’t work the pen while cuffed, so MJF tells the guards to release him and Sterling freaks out in a funny moment.  And then he signs the contract, and as everyone figured, he destroys all the security geeks and takes out Spears, but can’t powerbomb MJF because Sterling selflessly sacrifices himself.  So Wardlow powerbombs him through the table instead, because SOMEONE has to go through one.  The Bizarroworld reaction to MJF in Long Island is always hilarious and this was great.

FTW title:  Ricky Starks v. Jungle Boy

They trade hammerlocks on the mat and fight to a stalemate, but Starks takes him down with a springboard wristlock and stops to pose.  So JB does his own and gets his own posing, as we take a break.  Back with Jungle Boy headbutting out of a bodyscissors and making a comeback with elbows and a rebound lariat.  JB tries a DDT and Starks powers out of it, but a second attempt hits and gets two.  Starks with a backslide for two.  Jungle Boy reverses the Rochambeau into a bridge for two, and a superkick gets two.  Jungle Boy with the spear for two and he gets the Snare Trap, but Starks gets two fingers in the ropes to break.  Starks necks him to buy time and goes for his belt, but Swerve sticks his nose in and the ref has to get rid of him while JB rolls up Ricky for the visual pinfall.  And the Rochambeau finishes at 10:12, giving us a three-way showdown with the champs, Team Taz, and Swerve/Lee. Well there’s a tag title match for the PPV.  ***

The Jericho Appreciation Society joins us to deliver a victory speech for the AEW Galaxy.  Apparently Matt Menard is so excited that his nipples are hard.  Jericho, hometown hero of Manhasset, threatens to throw fireballs at the crowd and puts over the greatness of sports entertainment.  And that brings out Jon Moxley, as Jericho points out that there’s only one of him and five of them.  So the rest of the Combat Club joins him, which still leaves JAS up by one.  And then Eddie Kingston and his crew show up, and the babyfaces finally gets some beatings on them, including Mr. Regal slugging Jericho in a glorious moment.

Owen Hart Foundation quarterfinals:  Toni Storm v. Jamie Hayter

Hayter takes her down with a headlock, but Storm reverses for two.  We get the test of strength as Hayter uses her tremendous gluteus maximus power to block a legsweep, and then puts Storm on the floor as we take a break.  Back with a slugfest and they’re both down.  Storm recovers with a running butt splash in the corner in a spot that HAS to be a callout to Twitter, and she goes up with a bodypress for two.  Hayter with a backbreaker for two.  Storm fires back with a german suplex, but Hayter slams her on the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING, to cut her off again.  Back in the ring, they head to the top  and Hayter brings her down with a superplex, which Storm reverses into a cradle for two.  And Storm gets a snap piledriver to finish at 8:44.  This was fine but probably fell short of the pervy expectations of pervs’ expectations.  Well there’s always fanfic, I guess. **1/2

Meanwhile, Kazarian gets a lecture on trust from Sammy and Tay.

Owen Hart Foundation quarterfinals:  Jeff Hardy v. Darby Allin

Darby immediately puts Jeff on the floor and hits him with a dive, then loads up a pile of chairs outside. So Jeff flapjacks him onto the stairs, but he tries a Twist of Fate off them and Darby runs him into the post to escape.  Back in the ring, Jeff necks him on the ropes and finds a ladder under the ring as we take a break. And we return with a crazy fucking spot where Jeff is on the chair pile and Darby hits him with a senton from the top of the ladder and onto the floor.  JESUS.  Back in, Darby tries the Coffin Drop, so Jeff rolls to the apron, and Darby tries it anyway and lands on the apron.  Matt and Jeff need to sit him down and show him their list of prescription painkillers as a cautionary tale. So then Jeff puts Darby on the stairs outside and tries his own swanton, but misses and lands on the sideways stairs.  This is a tad nuts.  Back in the ring, Darby hits the Coffin Drop for two, but Jeff rolls him over with a crucifix for the pin at 10:00 to advance.  This was crazy as fuck and probably sets up Jeff getting screwed by the Young Bucks next week against Adam Cole to set up THAT match.  ****

Well, the women’s match was just OK, but the rest of the show was FIRE in Long Island.  And if they don’t have a Hook-Hausen shirt on ShopAEW by the end of the week, we riot.