The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.07.94

The SmarK Ran for WWF Superstars – 05.07.94

Well, WWE 2K22 popped up on sale for 25% off on Xbox this weekend, so I finally caved and bought the digital version.  And it’s pretty fun so far, much better than the last version I had tried.  2K18 I think?  Anyway, the control scheme is immediately very fun, and you don’t need a PhD to kick out of pins, so it’s a win for me.  And it looks spectacular on the Series S.

LAST WEEK:  Diesel wins the IC title from Razor Ramon!

Taped from Rochester NY on 04.13.94

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler

King of the Ring Qualifier:  Scott Steiner v. IRS

Irwin presents the top 3 tax cheats of the week on the way to the ring, with #3 being Vince McMahon (duh!), #2 being some kid at ringside, and #1 is Tatanka.  Tough but fair.  IRS attacks and tries an atomic drop, but Steiner no-sells it and hits IRS with a slam and butterfly powerbomb.  IRS bails to the floor to regroup, so Scott follows him out and runs him into the stairs.  Back in, IRS catches him with forearms to take over and puts the boots to him.  Or wingtips, whatever.  Scott fights back with dropkicks and an overhead suplex for two and we take a break.  Back with Scott working on the leg and then holding an armbar before hitting a suplex for two.  IRS puts him down again, but misses an elbow and Scott goes back to the armbar as this match is going nowhere.  Slowly.  Scott with the abdominal stretch and he even grabs the ropes, but Irwin rakes the eyes to escape as the crowd is deader than the Thunderdome during a blackout.  Scott with a sunset flip, but Irwin grabs the ropes for two and then gets a rollup for the pin with the ropes at 6:53.  This brings out Rick Steiner to protest the miscarriage of justice, but nothing comes of it and the Steiners left and never returned.  And then Tatanka tries to go after IRS, but Irwin runs away through the crowd and that feud also never gets a payoff.  Hell of a start to the show.  0 for 1.

King of the Ring Report!  With Todd Pettengill! 

So Roddy Piper does a promo from the set of his new movie “Tough and Deadly”, throwing out a challenge to Jerry Lawler because of kids at a hospital or something, I dunno.  Also he doesn’t take dives. Yeah, just ask Hulk Hogan.  They had weirdo nWo-style editing for the promo and I literally have no idea what Piper was trying to say.  Apparently the winnings from the match go to the children’s hospital?  I think?  We’ll hear more about this one as we get closer to the PPV.  One bit though, is that later on Piper cited this direct-to-video piece of crap as the reason he stopped doing movies for a long time, because it was no longer fun and turned into work with acting classes.

1-2-3 Kid v. Jason Storm

Kid takes him down and grabs a leglock, but Storm reverses into a headlock before Kid fights him off.  We get a nice spot as Storm tries to roll away from Kid on a drop down, but Kid hits him with the legdrop while he’s rolling, and gets two.  Kid wraps him up in a double underhook submission and then follows with a leg lariat for the pin at 2:10.  Kid always had interesting and different squashes.  1 for 2.

Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase introduces Nikolai Volkoff as his new employee, because Volkoff has a family and Volkoff needs the money desperately.  They were immediately trying for the same vibe as Virgil with the sympathy heat, but Volkoff wasn’t sympathetic and the whole thing never paid off.

Meanwhile, Owen Hart beats Mo via ref stoppage on Wrestling Challenge and then destroys his knee with a Sharpshooter to write him out and leave Mabel as a single.

Owen Hart v. John Paul

Owen chokes him out in the corner and runs him into the turnbuckle, then hits him with a belly to belly and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 1:35.  Owen had some MUSTARD on this squash for whatever reason.  He was pretty motivated for a while in 1994 until he wasn’t.  2 for 3.

Live Event News:  The Quebecers beat up a mascot in Indiana and some girl gets to be Bret Hart’s guest manager at a house show.  Probably had tears in her eyes while managing him.

Meanwhile, on RAW, the Headshrinkers win the WWF tag team titles from the Quebecers.  Who was asking for the HEADSHRINKERS as top babyface team?

Lex Luger v. Barry Hardy

Vince puts over what a role model and example for the youth of America that Lex is.  Well aside from all the drugs and eventual betrayal of the WWF by daring to accept an offer from a competing promotion while not under contract.  Lex gets a hiptoss while Lawler, god bless him, tries to make sense of Piper’s rambling promo and explain the storyline for the match.  And then Vince goes HARDCORE with a complete burial of Mr. Perfect out of nowhere, talking about how Perfect chickened out of a match with Luger because he’s too chicken and cowardly, and he’s been suspended by Jack Tunney.  Presumably for cowardice unbecoming of a WWF superstar.  Why not just say he pissed hot on a cocaine test like Tully Blanchard while he was at it?  Probably would have had a 94% chance of being right.  Rebel Rack finishes at 2:54 while Vince claims that Luger’s physique is “totally drug free”.  Very subtle message for any federal prosecutors watching out there.  2 for 4.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Diesel decides he wants to challenge Bret for the WWF title.  Yeah right, Diesel as WWF champion, that’ll be the day!

Jeff Jarrett v. Derek Domino

Jarrett gets a cheapshot out of the corner and puts him down with a back elbow while Lawler gets a pretty funny line about Doink’s mom saving on carpool costs by getting 24 kids into a car.  Jarrett with a slingshot suplex and he works the leg for a bit before finishing with a figure-four at 1:45.  2 for 5.

Next week:  Tatanka!  Bret Hart!  Doink!  Nikolai Volkoff!  Mabel v. Pierre in a King of the Ring Qualifier!

And finally we hear from some stupid kids who claim to have seen the Undertaker.  Kids are full of crap all the time, I wouldn’t listen to them.

Well this was a show that happened.