The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents The Best of the WWF Volume 7

The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents The Best of the WWF Volume 7

Hosted by Mean Gene

Pedro Morales v. Terry Funk

Off to the Boston Garden, January 11 86.  This would be an earth-shattering dream match 10 years previous, but even here it’s a pretty decent matchup.  Morales chases him to the floor to start, but Terry tosses him and advises us that Pedro is a PIG.  Perhaps an egg-sucking dog as well, I’m not sure.  Further investigation would likely be warranted.  Pedro sells a leg injury after hitting the floor, and Terry slugs away on the apron with some hilarious showboating, and then further shows his fisticuffsmanship skills in the corner.  And then Pedro takes ANOTHER crazy bump to the floor, landing on the announce table this time, and Funk takes a swipe at Gorilla for good measure, knocking the headset off him.  Gorilla is completely unfazed by this madman, and Funk runs Pedro into the post and puts the boots to his head before going to his tights and finding a foreign object as well.  And then while the ref is checking on the object, Terry unwraps the wrist tape and strangles Morales in the corner with that.  But then it backfires while Jimmy Hart is taking the ref, as Pedro gets the tape and chokes Terry out before stuffing it into HIS trunks.  Pedro fights back and now it’s Terry’s turn to take bumps onto the floor, as he falls back into the stairs and then hides underneath them!  Terry Funk is a goddamn national treasure.  Amazingly Pedro finds his hiding spot and slams him on the stairs, but he goes to the top rope and teases a dive onto the floor before thinking better of it!  Funk goes after him in the corner, but Pedro runs him in to the post and makes the fired up comeback and Funk is selling all over the ring, swinging at air and then flying over the top rope.  Pedro runs after Jimmy Hart, who hides under the ring to escape, so Terry throws a chair into the ring to provide distraction.  Pedro continues the beating, running Terry into the corner, and Funk somehow gets caught upside-down in the ropes and gets the megaphone from Jimmy.  And when Pedro gets caught up with the ref, Funk nails him with it and gets the pin at 10:42.  This was AMAZING.  1 for 1.

WWF World title:  Hulk Hogan v. Randy Savage

And we get another match in their series, the rematch from MSG after their previous countout finish.  Savage attacks Hogan before the bell, hitting him with a double axehandle while still wearing his robe, and then takes his rightful title off Hogan’s waist and beats the “champion” with it after he was robbed in their last match.  Back to the top for another shot with the belt, but really Hogan had it coming.  I saw how he was looking at Elizabeth on her way to the ring.  And in fact Savage is checking on his manager to make sure she’s not in danger from disgusting sex predator Hulk Hogan, and Hulk attacks Savage from behind like a COWARD and then steals his sunglasses.  THOSE DON’T BELONG TO YOU.  Hulk sends him to the floor and runs him into the post, busting him open, which Gorilla notes is a case of “turnabout is fair play”.  That’s what CHEATERS say.  Back in the ring, Hogan works on the cut while Macho is in dire need of medical attention and Hulk prevents it, further choking him out like the psychopath he is.  Hulk is already covered in Macho’s blood and he blows a kiss to Elizabeth!  What a sicko.  Macho, the real hero we don’t deserve, saves his woman and runs Hulk into the post to stop his reign of perversion.  There’s some turnabout for you!  Bet it didn’t feel like fair play to Hulk.  Back in, Savage drops the double axehandle on him and goes up with the flying elbow, but the ref is on Hogan’s payroll and only counts a very slow one because he was busy taking a bribe first.  Hulk comes back with the corner clothesline as the whole arena is cheering Macho on to make the comeback and dispatch this sex-crazed monster, and Hulk hits him with a big boot and then throws him out of the ring because he’s clearly jealous of Macho Mania running wild in New York.  They fight on the floor and Hulk tries to run Savage into Elizabeth while she begs for mercy, but Hulk has no mercy and he charges anyway, running into the post and getting counted out for the second time to save his own title, the coward.  This guy is worse than the Honky Tonk Man.  Has he ever won a match cleanly?  And then Hulk, the sore loser, bearhugs Macho after his humiliating loss, probably doing some weird sex thing to HIM as well, until finally Savage runs away in terror and hopefully locks up Elizabeth so that Hogan can’t molest her, too.  It’s for her own good.  2 for 2.

Captain Lou Albano v. Arnold Skaaland

This is an oddball manager’s match from the 70s in MSG, December 19 1977 to be exact.  Albano immediately attacks him with a foreign object and he’s pretty blatant about it, working him over with it while the idiot referee sees nothing.  But then Skaaland steals it and uses it on Lou, while the referee continues to do nothing about it, and Albano walks out on the match at 3:42.  Well this was a thing that happened.  2 for 3.

WWF tag team title:  Tony Garea & Haystacks Calhoun v. Mr. Fuji & Toru Tanaka

Back to the 70s again in MSG, sometime in 1973.  Funny bit to start as Tanaka and Fuji throw the racist salt in the corners, but two of the stunt grannies come to ringside and wipe it off FOR AMERICA.  Garea gets worked over by the Japanese and we’re clipped to Garea making the comeback and hitting a backdrop on both of them.  Tanaka comes in and chinlocks Tony, so Garea escapes and brings in Haystacks.  He basically stands there while the heels bounce off him, but Tanaka rubs salt in his eyes and he has to tag out to Garea again.  Garea slugs away on Tanaka and gets a shoulderblock for two, but he walks into a thrust kick and gets pinned at 6:00 shown.  Guess that was the first fall.  Second fall and Garea goes back to making his comeback on Tanaka, but we’re clipped to Fuji coming in and throwing chops on Garea.  Tony takes a hell of a bump over the top rope and the heels go to work on Haystacks, so they get DQ’d at 8:49 to even it up.  Third fall and Tanaka offers a handshake to Tony and then turns on him in a real Pearl Harbor job.  Has anyone ever thought about the crushing irony of a pair of Hawaiians playing Japanese guys?  Anyway Calhoun gets the hot tag and splashes Tanaka and that’s all at 11:00.  This was pretty fun.  3 for 4.

Intercontinental title:  Ken Patera v. Tony Atlas

This from the Showdown at Shea in August of 1980, which I might add STILL hasn’t been added to the WWE Network even though they literally have the show ready to go in full, with commentary from Michael Cole & Mick Foley.  Atlas quickly slugs away on Patera and dropkicks him into the corner, and then follows with a press slam as Patera retreats to the ropes and hides.  Patera catches him with a knee and follows with a clothesline before dropping an elbow for two.  But then he makes the mistake of ramming Tony’s head into the turnbuckle and that of course does nothing, as Atlas comes back with headbutts and drops an elbow.  Big splash gets two.  Tony sends him to the apron with a headbutt, but Patera necks him on the top rope and goes up with a stomp.  Patera gets his own press slam and follows with the swinging full nelson, but Atlas lands in the ropes to force the break.  So Patera chokes him out pretty blatantly, but Atlas fights back with another headbutt to send Patera flying and makes the comeback.  Atlas with a suplex for two and he goes to a sleeper, but Patera clotheslines him on the top rope to break.  That gets two.  Atlas with a bodypress for two.  Patera sends him to the floor and they slug it out on the grass, but Patera knocks Atlas into the ring, thus losing the match by countout at 8:30 by accident.  Finish was lame but this was a good power match from Patera’s prime.  4 for 5.

Meanwhile, Mean Gene does some street level interviews in advance of the Slammy Awards in Baltimore.  This is basically him riffing with passers-by and skeeving on unsuspecting women.  “Hey wait a minute pal, you’re talking to me, not some jabroni!  It’ll be a kayfabe deal all the way!”  Wait, so is this tape the first mention of “kayfabe” by someone on camera?  Anyway, Mean Gene wandering around and interviewing randos is absolutely tremendous.  He was born for that.

Back in the dressing room, Jesse Ventura tries to interview Roddy Piper for the Slammies, but he’s on the toilet and a little backed up, but makes sure to talk about “taking his female steroids” so he can look like David Lee Roth.

From the Slammy broadcast, as Nikolai Volkoff wins “Most Ignominious” but doesn’t understand the award and thinks he’s won “Best Singer”.  So when Vince tells him what ignominious means, he claims that he should be #2 and all the Americans should be #1.  He’s not entirely wrong.  Have you seen Twitter?  Next up, Roddy Piper wins something for his performance on the Wrestling Album, but his trophy falls apart and Piper goes on a whole rant against MTV.  “I DO PLAY SUN CITY, BROTHER!”  Sounds like something Hogan would say.

The British Bulldogs v. The Hart Foundation

Back to MSG for this one, as Kid catapults Bret into the corner and drops a knee, and Bret bails to the floor.  Clipped to Bret trying a hammerlock, but Kid sends him to the floor to escape that.  Back in, Davey Boy slams the Anvil, and then puts him down with a dropkick that chases him back to the floor for some advice from Jimmy Hart.  That advice?  “If you going to do a month long crack bender, for the love of god make sure Davey Boy is at least sober before a PPV!”  Sadly he forgot that helpful and strangely specific advice six years later.  Bret gets a cheapshot and drops elbows on Davey to take over, and the Harts go to work in the corner.  Neidhart puts the boots to him and goes to a bearhug, but Kid gets the tag and takes Bret down with a hairtoss.  But then Bret pulls his hair from the apron to get revenge, and the Harts go to work on him as well.  Bret with a middle rope elbow and Neidhart tosses him, so Bret slams him on the concrete, which is all in a day’s work for Dyno.  Back in the ring, Neidhart goes to a chinlock and lays the badmouth on Davey to draw him in for more double-teaming on Kid.  Bret drops a leg on Kid and then runs him into the corner, as Kid does the Bret Hart Bump even better than Bret.  Bret with a hair toss and he goes up with another elbow for two.  Backbreaker gets two.  Anvil goes to a facelock and Kid tries to power his way back to the corner, but Bret takes out Davey like a complete dick and then runs away, while Davey the idiot chases him and allows the Harts to then do more double-teaming in the corner.  Davey, you fookin’ moron!  You’re fooked!  Anvil goes back to the facelock to cut off the ring, but this time Bret distracts the ref and Davey comes in illegally AGAIN.  And then the Harts tie up Dyno in the ropes and further put the beating on him.  Bret tries a backbreaker but Kid tries to take it like a tilt-a-whirl and that kind of looks silly, but Bret covers OK.  Kid with a backslide for two, but Bret ties him in the ropes again, before taking a run at him and clotheslining himself on the top.  Hot tag Davey and he cleans house on the Harts and Bret goes flying into the corner for two.  Press slam gets two.  Harts regroup with a Demolition elbow in the corner on Davey and just pretend like they tagged, and the ref just accepts that.  Doomsday Device, but the ref escorts Neidhart out, so Dynamite dives in with a flying headbutt on Bret behind the ref’s back and switches off with Davey for the pin at 15:55.  You could literally drop this match onto Dynamite tomorrow and it would get over huge.  5 for 6.

The Moondogs v. The Rougeau Brothers

This is from an Australian tour in Feb 86, with a very early appearance from the Rougeaus.  I believe this would have actually been their debut after leaving Montreal, in fact.  Also of note, Rex isn’t dressed in his Moondog gear and is just wearing his standard black trunks and boots that he used as The Nightmare in Mid-South.  Since he would have left just a week earlier, it’s likely that they didn’t even have his gear ready yet.  Anyway the Moondogs double-team Raymond with nothing special and we’re clipped to Jacques getting the hot tag and finishing Rex with a bodypress at 5:00 shown.  This was OK.  5 for 7.

WWF World tag team title:  Greg Valentine & Brutus Beefcake v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff

There might be some kind of Mandela Effect here, but I could have SWORN there was a tape with this match featured prominently on the front cover, which had me in awe as a kid.  No idea where this is from, but it appears to be a TV taping dark match late in 1985.  The Dream Team manages to double-team Nikolai and frustrate him, but Sheik gets a shot on Valentine from the apron and gets a clothesline for two.  Abdominal stretch, which Gorilla Monsoon gives zero chance of working, and Valentine escapes from that.  Sheik with a pointy-toed DROPKICK and they work Valentine over in the corner again as the Dream Team are the strange de facto babyfaces here.  Valentine catches Nikolai with his head down and it’s hot tag Brutus (?!) .  It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA and Brutus goes up and misses a fistdrop, allowing Volkoff to catch him in a bearhug.  Beefcake claps out of that and Sheik comes in with the gut wrench to setup the camel clutch, but Valentine breaks that up.  Back to Hammer and he suplexes Sheik to set up the figure-four, but Volkoff saves THAT, and they all slug it out for the double DQ at 7:20.  This was exactly the kind of bizarrely crazy random match I used to live for on these tapes, and it didn’t disappoint.  6 for 8.

This one bounced back in a big way after the disappointing Volume 6.  The Bulldogs-Harts match in particular is worth going out of your way to see, with an incredibly timed finish.