The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 03.28.22

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 03.28.22

Hey, DC Universe Infinite finally launched in Canada today!  I don’t know why it took them four years but they’ve got my money now since I think all new comics are trash and only want to read old 80s Legion of Super Heroes stuff anyway.

Taped from Austin, TX

Your hosts are Excalibur, Mark Henry & Paul Wight

Serpentico v. Lee Moriarty

Wight is diving right into BS, noting that Luther has an honorary degree in marine biology from a leading university and can talk to dolphins.  Mark Henry doesn’t even pretend to humor him on that one.  Moriarty SWEEPS THE LEG and gets a kick for two, but he tries a crossface and Serpentico makes the ropes and gets pulled out by Luther.  This distracts Lee long enough for Serpentico to gets some shots in and a rana out of the corner.  Dropkick gets two.  He slugs away on Moriarty in the corner and gets two off that while Wight threatens to lace his boots up again in SOUTH KAKALAKY.  Henry doesn’t even have boot laces anymore, sadly.  Moriarty comes back with a high kick and running knee in the corner before putting him down with a lariat.  A discus chop puts Serpentico down and he finishes with a crossface at 4:00.  Aw, I missed those two big goofs on commentary last week.  1 for 1.

Abadon v. Danni Bee

Abadon wipes Bee out and puts her on the floor right away, then follows with a rolling senton off the apron that gives a lot of Abadon butt right in the face.  Back in, Danni tries a comeback and Abadon shrieks at her and puts her down with a clothesline and finishes with a fameasser called The Black Dahlia at 1:30.  Abadon in minute long squashes is basically the perfect use of her.  2 for 2.

Penta v. JPH

I mean, we already know Penta is awesome, can’t he just be himself again so Alex can stop cosplaying as a Souls-borne character?  Mark Henry is SUPER impressed with JPH’s beard game, comparing him to Bad News Brown.  That’s high praise.  Penta quickly hits him with a sling blade for two and gets some chops that “knocked the Just For Men beard dye” out of JPH according to Show.  Made in Japan and the arm snap follow for the pin at 1:55.  I hate the gimmick but Penta is still awesome.  3 for 3.

Frankie Kazarian v. Brandon Cutler

Hey, finally a member of the Elite that the Elite Hunter can beat!  Probably.  Cutler has the Young Bucks douche sneakers, but not ones that match.  Kazarian beats on Cutler in the corner and throws him over the top rope on both sides of the ring, and Cutler trips on the way back into the ring and gets clotheslined to the floor again.  So he goes for the cold spray, but Kazarian steals it, and Cutler finally gets some offense and runs Kaz into the stairs.  Back in the ring, Cutler goes up to the top, thinks better of it, and then moves down to the bottom rope.  And misses a splash anyway.  Kazarian legdrops him, but Cutler traps him in the corner and gives him the mounted punches, although he’s not paying attention and doesn’t notice that Kazarian isn’t there.  And Frankie finishes with the chicken wing at 3:50.  I’m sure people with no sense of humor will hate this but I’m not a monster like you.  4 for 4.

Jamie Hayter v. Rache Chanel

Chanel holds things up while she fixes Hayter’s bangs, but Hayter beats her up anyway.  Excalibur notes that the referee did a pretty poor job on the patdown if he missed the comb in Chanel’s kneepad.  Hayter with a brainbuster to finish at 1:41.  I just had a wacky comedy match, thanks.  4 for 5.

Sonny Kiss v. Max Caster

And yet another huge babyface pop for the Acclaimed’s entrance.  Caster’s verse about Kiss not having any jelly in the ass even makes Bowens break up before he can hit his catchphrase.  Man, I gotta say every week, but one week they’re gonna turn these guys babyface and it’s gonna be HUGE.  Caster beats him down to start and whips him into the corner, and then follows with a neckbreaker for two.  Sonny comes back with a sunset flip for two, but Caster dropkicks him down again and drops knees on the back, but Kiss fights back with a spinning punch and dropkick.  Kiss with a rana off the middle rope and offers the twerking before hitting a kick for two.  Wight is so excited that he almost had to write a rap song to celebrate the upset!  Kiss goes up, but gets distracted by Bowens and Caster yanks him down and DROPS THE MIC for the pin at 4:14.  Very fun.  5 for 6.

Hikaru Shida v. Madi Wrenkowski

Shida puts Madi on the top rope and boots her down, and then suplexes her from the apron for two.  Wrenkowski comes back with an X-Factor, but Shida gets the axe kick and finishes with the Falcon Arrow at 1:42.  5 for 7.

Ruby Soho & Anna Jay v. Charlette & Robyn Renegade

I guess Tay Conti has been permanently broken off from Anna after getting sucked into the gross belt sex zone with Sammy.  Just another reason why everyone is going to hate them soon.  Charlette tries to overpower Ruby, but Ruby takes her down with a headlock.  Anna comes in with a kick in the corner for two, but Robyn saves.  The faces hit stereo flatliners and Anna finishes Robyn with the sleeper at 2:20.  I’m still grossed out by the belt thing and I can’t give this a point as a result.  5 for 8.  Sadly we also fail to get Mark Henry’s impression of a longhorn, just for added salt in the wound.

Aaron Solo & QT Marshall v. Trent? Beretta & Rocky Romero

The Factory attacks to start while Henry continues casually mentioning his longhorn impression, so hopefully we’ll get that by the end of the show.  Solo beats Rocky down for two after knocking the eyepatch off his face.  QT comes in and slugs Rocky down, and Solo gets the chops in the corner, but Rocky catches him with a rana.  QT cuts off the tag, but Rocky fights back with a sliced bread and Trent cleans house with suplexes.  Trent with a tornado DDT and Rocky guillotines Solo on the top rope for two.  Everyone comes in for the brawl and Trent tosses the heels out and follows with a dive, but Comoroto gets in the way to stop it.  So Solo puts Trent down with a head kick to take over again, and QT gets a pop up elbow and double-team neckbreaker on Trent for two.  Henry:  “Rocky should really be going to the referee and saying ‘Hey, can you do something about that?’”  Sage advice.  Luckily they regroup and get rid of QT, and finish Solo with Strong Zero at 5:31.  And Henry is so happy that he celebrates with the LONGHORN CALL.  Whew.  I was worried we wouldn’t get to hear it.  The point was hanging in the balance and they pulled it out!  6 for 9.

Is anyone doing longhorn calls on RAW?  I’m pretty sure the answer is “Probably not.”  Sometimes you just want a 45 minute show that makes you smile.  So this wins.