The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 03.07.22

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dark Elevation – 03.07.22

Taped from Jacksonville, FL

Your hosts are Paul Wight & Mark Henry.  This should be interesting.

Lance Archer v. Cameron Stewart

Thankfully the jobber subscribes to the AEW tradition of having his name on his ass, because he didn’t even get an intro here.  Archer tosses him down to the ring, beats him up on the floor, and then hits him with multiple clotheslines in the ring.  The poor bastard gets smacked around in the corner and the Blackout finishes at 1:40.  Archer murdering jobbers is an automatic point.  1 for 1.

Ruby Soho v. Session Moth Martina

Is she, like, the lead artist in a hippie commune or something?  I don’t really get the gimmick here.  Martina makes it weird immediately by dancing to Ruby’s music and grinding her a little too closely.  I mean, it IS a good theme song.  Ruby tries a go-behind and Martina continues grooving, and then kicks Ruby down and puts the boots to her, then beats on her with forearms and goes to a version of the cobra clutch.  Ruby fights out with a Saito suplex and runs her head into the turnbuckles, then hits her with a knee strike.  Martina with a backslide, but Ruby rolls out and hits the riot kick at 3:49.  Damn, that was a better match than I’ve seen Ruby have with most people on the roster.  2 for 2.

Daniel Garcia v. Ray Jaz

Garcia sends Jaz to the apron, but he flips in with a backslide for two in a unique spot.  Garcia drops him with a suplex, however, and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 1:05.  2 for 3.

Scorpio Sky v. Captain Shawn Dean

I normally really enjoy the goofball team of Wight and Henry, but without a real commentator to feed them straight lines they’re not so much with the good.  Sadly Scorpio has new music that Ethan Page is not able to dance along with before joining commentary.  Sky overpowers him and then walks on his back off a dropdown.  That’s gotta suck because the poor guy has those gross cupping marks on his back, so it must be messed up to begin with.  Dean fights back with forearms while Sky preens and maybe prances but definitely postures, but Dean goes after Dan Lambert and Sky lays him out.  Wight:  “He couldn’t help going after him, Lambert takes up half the space outside the ring!”  See, now that they’ve got Ethan Page to bounce off, they’re immediately 150% better.  Sky with a backbreaker, since Dean literally has a giant set of targets on his back, but Dean gets a small package for two.  The Captain makes the comeback and hits a german suplex, but he goes up and hits knees on a splash.  Sky lays him out with a big boot, pulls down the imaginary straps, and finishes with a TKO at 5:06.  And then Page manages to dance to the new music a little bit, although I had already given the match a point anyway.  So I’m going to give it a BONUS POINT.  I’m flipping the script!  4 for 4.

Emi Sakura v. Kris Statlander

What, no six-woman tag this week?  I’m kind of disappointed.  Emi attacks while Kris is hanging upside down in the corner, and gives her the chops in the corner.  She does the running bodyblock, but Kris catches her and slams her and then beats on her with chops to take over.  Running knee puts Emi on the floor, but she slides back in and puts Statlander on the floor with the bodyblock this time.  They fight on the floor and Sakura runs her into the post, and back in for a tiger driver that gets two.  Kris slugs back and takes her down with a backbreaker, and a powerslam gets two.  Sakura counters the Big Bang into a neckbreaker for two.  She tries a german suplex and Statlander powers out of that, hits a superkick, and finishes with the Big Bang Theory at 4:14.  A very fun match.  5 for 5.

Wheeler Yuta v. Aaron Solo

Poor Yuta is kind of out in the cold now that Trent is back and he’s clearly at the bottom of the Best Friends totem pole again.  Henry notes that Wheeler has “more moves than prune juice” as they trade takedowns and Yuta gets two.  Solo misses a charge and Yuta goes up for a springboard, but Solo brings him down and slugs away on the mat.  Solo with a snap suplex while Wight and Henry needle each other about showboating in their matches, and Solo runs him into the corner for two.  Solo with a back elbow for two.  Solo with a chinlock and Yuta escapes with a jawbreaker and goes up with a high cross and enzuigiri.  This gets Henry really excited, and Yuta goes up with a flying elbow, sending Solo to the floor to regroup.  Yuta follows with a dive, and then back into the ring where Yuta misses a crossbody and Solo superkicks him for two.  Solo tries a running elbow, but Yuta catches him and suplexes him for the double down.  This brings QT out to advise his trainee, and they slug it out and reverse a series of stuff.  Yuta takes him down with a slam and goes up, but he fakes QT interference and gets Marshall tossed back to the dressing room.  Well that’s kind of unfair but no one likes QT anyway. And Yuta wraps up Solo with a double arm cradle for the pin at 7:04.  Another very fun match to wrap up a fast fun show full of fun.  6 for 6.

Sucks to be you fools watching a three hour RAW on Monday nights.