May 6th, 1991
Taped April 7th, 1991
Universal Studios Florida
Commentators: Craig DeGeorge & Capt. Lou Albano
Part two of the Universal Studios tapings, which were not recorded at the same place as the Nitros from 1996 like I said last week, sorry. To make up for that glaring mistake, I’m going to make this week’s article INTERACTIVE by posting this Geocities style GIF every time UWF’s rubicon-crossing event (with no announced matches) is hyped up on commentary or in a promo.
Paul Orndorff vs Rico Federico
Oh I can’t wait for that hot Orndorff vs. Williams feud to be settled at the PPV. Oh wait Herb’s burned through it and both men have nothing going on for their biggest show ever. Mr. Wonderful seems thrilled with walking out to a crowd of maybe 100 fans. DeGeorge puts over Universal Studios by talking about how great Nickelodeon is so he was clearly a big fan of Pete & Pete. Rico would have a tiny run in ECW as Spiros Gekko because they needed someone to lose to El Puerto Ricano because I guess Englandy Teadrink was busy. Paul finishes with the Piledriver in a match that was acceptable but not worth typing up. Post-match Paul is asked about THE BEACH BRAWL!!!!!
Paul stumbles over a promo because he has literally nothing to talk about and was thinking about typing up his CV.
Corporal Kirchner vs Boris Zhukov
Kirchner’s debut. This is prior to him becoming Leatherface so he’s just “that guy who had that bad match at Wrestlemania II” at this point. Crowd cheers as he interrupts the singing of the Soviet Anthem because there’s only four or so months left of that being relevant. I assume that’s what he was singing, Lou talked all over it to tell us how big Zhukov’s giant head. Boris dominates to begin but Kirch is filled with the combined energy of the crowd’s USA chants and
cocaine Lou’s plugging of THE BEACH BRAWL!!!!
That’s too much energy and as a result Kirsch delivers one of the worst headbutts I’ve ever seen.
Corp crotches Boris around the ringpost but then has to absorbs a lengthy bearhug with no-one in the crowd making any noise/ Corp avoids a charge in the corner and gets a schoolboy to win. If you didn’t have a decent knowledge of wrestling you’d think these were two dads still pissed after last night’s drinks getting in the ring as a joke.
Brian Ricco the alleged UWF reporter is here with more made-up SportsChannel TV Title Tournament results! Col. DeBeers defeated Iceman Parsons in Houston, TX, Don Muraco defeated Afa in Dallas, TX. These are hilarious because just like last week’s set of fan-fiction, both matches end via pinfall so you know they’re bollocks. Oh and the winner of this made-up thing will be decided at THE BEACH BRAWL!!!!
Capt. Lou’s Corner w/Boris Zhukov
THIS GUY HAS A SIZE TEN HEAD THIS GUY HAS A SIZE TEN HEAD RUSSIA SUCKS HAAACK PTOOT hi i’m boris and i think the other wrestlers in uwf are great and BOOO RUSSIA SUCKS HIS HEAD IS BIG SPIT ON THE FLOOR.
Ask the Wrestlers feat. Sunny Beach
Hey Sunny are you going to win anything soon? “Yes, yes I am.” OK thanks.
The Power Twins vs David Perry & Al Joeber
There’s no way this guy’s name is Al Jobber. Anyway Dave takes time away from developing Earthworm Jim to dropkick one of the Twins out of the ring before immediately getting creamed with a Butterfly Suplex. The Power Twins unload on powerslams before finishing with the torture rack/top rope elbow. Lou & guest commentator John Tolos spent the whole match talking about who carried who’s bags first and they ignored everything, including the finish which means they’re paying as much attention as the fans at ringside.
Bam Bam Bigelow vs Bob Orton (w/John Tolos)
I’ve seen better wrestling shows at Car Boot Sales at this point so hopefully these two respected wrestlers try to bust a sweat. Bigelow bounces Bob off his chest and Orton takes a wonderful “silent film actor who is reacting to shock” sell as only Bob can. Orton avoids a charge into the corner to enable himself to get some offence. Orton stretches Bammers off the apron and elbows him so he can physic his way out to the gravel below. Orton begs off and asks the crowd if he should hit him but they respond with silence so he puts in a chinlock while a woman in the front row yawns on camera. Bam Bam teases a shot to the groin instead and the crowd responds to THAT. See this is why he’s a pro. Both men kill some time as I wonder what the wacky finish is going to be and then Tolos grabs Bigelow’s legs on an Irish Whip and yup, that’s good enough for the DQ. Orton lands some chair shots and Bam makes it clear he’s in no mood for them in front of 100 bored fans so Orton and Tolos skedaddle. Passable.
Herb apologies and says due to time constraints we were unable to bring you Brian Blair’s match this week, thus at least ending the show on a positive note.
Overall: Looking at Nickolodeon’s 1991 line-up and realising that Rugrats, Doug & Ren & Stimpy were debuting in August, and then in December the Soviet Union dissolved.
I’ve been Maffew.