The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.02.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.02.94

I think I can make it until the Bob Backlund deal in July, and then hopefully by then they’ll have uploaded some more Wrestling Challenge or something more interesting so I can tap out on this show once and for all.

Taped from Bethlehem, PA on 02.22.94

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Johnny Polo, but they immediately do a stupid angle where Razor “throws a toothpick” at Polo and chases him away from the desk with a toothpick-incurred eye injury, meaning that Jerry Lawler has to step in again.  That’s a very labored explanation for Lawler doing overdubs.

Razor Ramon v. Steve Smith

Razor works the arm, but Smith fights back, presumably with the power of duct tape for your deep cut Canadian reference of the week, so Razor ties him up on the mat and slaps him around a bit before hitting the back suplex and finishing with the Razor’s Edge at 3:12.  Apparently Razor’s next challenger is going to be Diesel, according to the announcers.  Yeah, that’ll put butts in seats.  0 for 1.

Meanwhile, at Wrestlemania, Luger hits Yokozuna with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH and beats up both helpless managers, but Mr. Perfect refuses to count, so Luger stupidly puts his hands on a WWF official and gets disqualified.  And his WWF career was all downhill from there and never recovered.  Vince notes that watching the footage, we should judge for ourselves if Perfect was “biased and prejudiced and showing favoritism.”  Well he’s kind of making that judgement for us, isn’t he?

Crush v. Tom Alton

Vince hypes the Wrestlemania Revenge tour by noting it’s “Wrestlemania like you’ve never seen it before, right there in your own hometown!”  Well, what if you live in New York or LA or Chicago?  Then you’ve already had Wrestlemania in your own hometown and it’s your own fault for missing it.  Also, BREAKING NEWS, as Vince actually acknowledges the botched tag team title switch between MOM and the Quebecers from England while Crush drops Alton on the top rope and pins him at 1:48.  Yeah Crush was pretty aimless after the Savage loss.  0 for 2.

LIVE EVENT NEWS!  WITH STAN LANE!

THANK GOD that Face to Face is dead and buried at least.  We get footage of Bret Hart at the post-WM press conference, as he promises to give rematches to everyone.  Except Lex Luger, I assume, because he’s such a loser.

Jeff Jarrett v. Thurman Plugg (His Friends Call Him Sparky)

Did you know Plugg has been on the FAST TRACK TO VICTORY in the WWF?  Perhaps I’m not selling it as effectively as Vince McMahon, that’s on me.  HE RACES CARS YOU SEE.  Lawler wonders if all his race car driver friends are watching Superstars this weekend with no races going on.  Please, even NASCAR drivers were like “Pro wrestling is too lowbrow” at this point.  Jeff hides in the ropes while Lawler makes dad jokes about confusing “Octaves” with “Octane” and you know that this is much more on Vince’s humor wavelength, as opposed to Polo and his absurdist rants.  Thurman (His Friends Call Him Sparky) escapes a headlock while Vince and Lawler discuss Jarrett’s singing talents and impending demo tape.  Plugg works a headlock and gets some tackles for two and a bodypress for two.  Plugg works the arm, but Jarrett runs him into the corner to escape as this is a real “fifth hour of the tapings” barn burner right out of the AWA’s dying days.  When do we get a Rocky Mountain Thunder squash?  Jarrett slugs him down and the crowd is DEAD DEAD DEAD, and he follows with a suplex and chokes him out.  Plugg comes back with CM Punk bodyslams, but Jarrett cuts off his comeback with a clothesline and follows with a dropkick for the pin at 6:23.  BUT WAIT!  Plugg’s foot was under the rope, so this match MUST CONTINUE.  Oh, please, don’t do any favors on my behalf.  Plugg gets a rollup for two and a suplex and makes the comeback with a kneelift for two and a sunset flip for two.  Backslide gets two, no one cares.  Clothesline out of the corner gets the pin at 8:39, but this time Jarrett’s foot is on the ropes and the ref ignores it and awards the match to Plugg.  Eh, whatever.  1 for 3.

Back from the break, and Jarrett refuses to leave, so Johnny Polo comes out to hear him out while Doink tries to make his entrance.  Jarrett threatens the clown with a chair, so Sparky makes the save and rolls up Jarrett, and Doink counts the pin.  They’re not even trying to pretend that this is anything but a show for children at this point.  This was atrocious, like something off a bad house show, and I’m actually deducting the point for the match because the angle was so bad.  0 for 3.

Doink v. Mike Bell

So Johnny Polo rejoins commentary as we continue the incredibly convoluted reasoning for switching commentators.  Doink takes him down with a full nelson, but Bell clotheslines him down and drops a leg for two.  Doink suplexes him and drops an elbow for two as we discuss the impending Native American v. Tax Agent feud, to go along with the Failed Country Singer v. Clown feud that was built up on this show.  Can’t imagine why they were having trouble drawing.  Whoopee Cushion finishes at 3:40.  0 for 4.

Meanwhile, IRS has more reasons why people are tax cheats, continuing to turn into even more of a ridiculous cartoon character.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. John Paul

BREAKING NEWS:  Jeff Jarrett wants a rematch with Sparky Plugg NEXT WEEK.  Huge if true.  I feel so sorry for the poor crowd that had to sit through this dire taping.  John Paul evades Bam Bam while Polo references the Pope and Beatles, which is probably too current for Vince McMahon at that point.  He was probably waiting for that skiffle fad to die out.  Bigelow powerslams Paul for the pin at 1:20.  0 for 5.  I should note that when Vince and Polo are doing the bit from the desk, Polo has a necklace with an ankh on it, which would later become one of Raven’s notable symbols.  Or maybe he’s just a big Dr. Fate fan. I should also note that earlier in the show, they did a cut-in with Vince and Lawler at the desk, which appeared to be in a completely different location in the arena.  I HOPE SOMEONE GOT FIRED OVER THAT BLUNDER.

Earthquake v. Reno Riggins

Quake and Bigelow have words in the aisle that lead to nothing. Lot of that going around at this point.  Poor Johnny is still trying to get the RENOPLEX over as a running joke while Vince just no-sells him.  Reno tries a crossbody out of the corner and Quake just moves out of the way like Samoa Joe and powerslams him.  Legdrop and Quake drops some elbows and then finishes him with the butt splash at 3:40.  This Earthquake babyface push was death.  0 for 6.

LIVE EVENT NEWS!  WITH STAN LANE!

Of course there’s no live events on this edit, so we get another recap of Wrestlemania from Stan.

NEXT WEEK:  Sparky Plugg v. Double J!  PART TWO!  Astonishingly, BOTH OF THESE GUYS would be winning titles at the Royal Rumble less than a year later.  Good god, can we hurry up and get to May so SOMETHING of note can happen on this awful show at least?