The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.02.21

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 03.05.94

Taped from White Plains, NY on 02.01.94

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Johnny Polo

Lex Luger v. Reno Riggins

Vince describes Lex as the REBEL PATRIOT now, which seems like it’s mixing metaphors. They trade hammerlocks while Polo repeatedly puts over the deadly RENO-PLEX, which is a devastating finishing hold that Lex should be watching for. Reno tries a hiptoss and Lex blocks it and gets his own while Johnny sings “Nothing But a G Thang” and Vince is trying really hard to ignore him. Reno pokes him in the eye and rakes the back in the corner to take over, but then he makes the mistake of trying a ridiculous handspring elbow, and Lex clotheslines him out of the corner. Powerslam and torture rack finish at 2:34 and I think that’s actually the first time he used the torture rack on TV instead of his loaded forearm. A perfectly cromulent squash here. 1 for 1.

UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY COLISEUM VIDEO!

The specific tape being shilled this week is Monday Night RAW Prime Cuts, which was a hell of a tape to be fair. However, can you even imagine a time when they only a YEAR of footage to choose from? Gorilla is really big on this Fan Fest thing, where you can even step into the ring yourself! Hopefully no one attacks Bret while he’s trying to do a speech. Also, he encourages everyone to buy tickets for the Paramount Theater and spreads rumors that wrestlers who aren’t on the card might even be there watching the show themselves! Huge if true.

WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT: The Undertaker makes his entrance at Wrestlemania IX.

Jeff Jarrett v. Dan Dubiel

Nikolai Volkoff is of course still there in the same suit, which was actually the one time that doing 4 weeks of shows at a time helped with the running gag they were going for. Jarrett with the DDT to finish at 1:10 as we now learn that the issue of Country Beat that I was questioning a few weeks back was in fact FAKED by Jarrett, as revealed by Vince here. Although the magazine is real, he was never actually on the cover.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 1 for 2.

FACE TO FACE! WITH STAN LANE!

This week we hear from Crush, as Stan lobs him a softball question about how he’s going to counter Macho Man’s intensity at Wrestlemania. Really bringing out the hard hitting journalism there, Stan. Also Macho Man has his rebuttal about how it’s the tenth anniversary of Wrestlemania, once again showing that math is hard.

Doink the Clown v. The Brooklyn Brawler

Johnny Polo reveals that Doink is a close personal friend of Ronald McDonald. Huge if…no wait, I already used that one. Brawler tries a hiptoss and Doink blocks him and dropkicks him out of the ring, so Brawler regroups and comes back in offering a handshake. Doink falls for it and Brawler beats on him in the corner and puts the boots to him while Polo makes Tammy Faye Bakker references, which is actually a timely reference again here in 2021 with the recent movie about them. And then Doink finishes with the Whoopie Cushion at 3:09, although he doesn’t do jazz hands first so I can’t give it a point. 1 for 3. Kudos to Polo for referencing “the hand jive”, an obscure dance craze from the 50s. Although if you want a wrestling connection, George Thorogood licensed his cover of “Willie and the Hand Jive” for a PWI/Crockett compilation tape in the 80s called Lords of the Ring. And yes, it’s available to watch with a little Googling and yes now I guess I’m gonna have to review it, THANKS A LOT.

Diesel v. Rich Myers

Diesel lets Myers punch himself out in the corner and then just grabs his hand and puts him down with a big boot. Powerbomb finishes at 0:45, which Polo dubs “The Jackknife” so hopefully he gets royalties from Nash today. 1 for 4.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!

Jim Cornette has now amended the claim about multiple title matches to “the first time someone has to defend the title twice in the same day.” Still not accurate, because Hulk Hogan told that story about flying over the international date line and defending the title twice in the same day and I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan would have no reason to lie about breaking the rules of time and space. Unless he was on Arsenio getting asked about it. Anyway, the previously announced Earthquake v. Ludvig Borga match is now Earthquake v. Adam Bomb, and Alundra Blayze is “in action” defending the title against someone, which shows you where THAT championship was on the totem pole.

The Bushwhackers v. Cory Student & Mike Khoury

Vince and Polo put over the Whackers appearance on Family Matters at this time, which explains why they were suddenly back on WWF TV again out of nowhere. Butch chops Student down and drops an elbow. Luke comes in with a back elbow and they double-team Student , but Khoury comes in and quickly eats a knee from Butch. Battering ram finishes at 2:25. I might have the jobbers backwards. I don’t care. 1 for 5.

The Funeral Parlor with Paul Bearer, and special guest Owen Hart. Owen clarifies that he’s the real winner because he gets Bret Hart at Wrestlemania. Bearer wants to know why Owen kicked his brother, and Owen clarifies that he KICKED HIM AND HE’LL KICK HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN!

Crush v. Todd Mata

Polo offers a historical moment, bringing up Winston Churchill’s quote of “How can I be overdrawn if I still have cheques left?” First up, he’d learn all about that philosophy the hard way from Paul Heyman in a few years. But although Churchill was terrible with money, I don’t think that’s an actual quote from him, or at least not one I can find. Regardless, Vince’s completely nonplussed reaction to the line is GREAT, as he gives a kind of confused “What?” and then Polo says it again in case Vince didn’t hear him the first time, because a great heel laughs at his own jokes and repeats them until he gets a reaction. Crush beats on Mata with Hawaiian martial arts and superkicks him before adding a press slam. This HAD to have been the last match of the taping because the building is nearly empty and the crowd is silent. Head vice finishes at 1:30. 1 for 6. Stick in a fork in this awful taping cycle, it’s done.

FACE TO FACE! WITH STAN LANE!

Johnny Polo notes that the Quebecers can’t take MOM lightly because they weigh too much, and then offers up a rap for his team.

NEXT WEEK: Men on a Mission! Owen Hart! Tatanka! Bastion Booger v. Earthquake! Another quality taping coming up.