The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 11.24.21

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 11.24.21

“A Very Brady Thanksgiving Dynamite Special”

TSN was moving the show around again, so it’s off to Finland to watch tonight!

Live from Chicago, IL

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Excalibur & Tony Schiavone

CM Punk joins us to start, but MJF interrupts and the city does not care for his particular brand of sports entertainment.  The crowd tells him to “shut the fuck up” and MJF tells them no and continues on.  So MJF is upset about getting ignored last week, and points out that while the Pipe Bomb was Punk’s best promo, EVERY promo is MJF’s best one.  Also Punk is a straight edge guy who looks like a meth addict.  So it turns out that MJF is all upset because Punk named all these AEW guys who he wanted to face but never mentioned Maxwell.  So now MJF is about to “verbally finish you quicker than your UFC career”.  Big “ooooooo” from Chicago for that one.  So Punk finally retorts, and he’s disappointed in Max and thought that MJF stands for “My Jealous Fan” the whole time.  And last week he managed to shut MJF up without even saying a word.  And then MJF had seven days to think up some good zingers and came out with the low-hanging fruit.  And then Punk gets the NUCLEAR BURN by calling him “just a less famous Miz” and the crowd ERUPTS.  MJF calls him a robotic ass-kisser with greying hair, and if anyone needs to go to sleep, it’s Punk, PG Punk.  And Now he might as well be preaching HUSTLE, LOYALTY AND RESPECT.  Another big “OOOOOOOOH!” from the crowd on that one.  And after getting held down in “that other company”, now he’s afraid of everything that MJF is, and deep down Punk knows he’s always been second best, especially to the King of Kings.  And with MJF wrapping up his speech, Punk notes that he was “selling out MSG when MJF was marking out for Rosie O’Donnell”.  But now MJF has talked himself into a college that his parents can’t afford.  And also Punk came to AEW and went right for Darby and not MJF and that pisses MJF off.  And also he’s been replaced by BRITT BAKER as the fourth pillar.  And the only way MJF will be #1 is if Tony Khan has a daughter that he marries.  KABOOM.  So Punk offers to punch MJF right in the needle dick, and of course Maxwell declines the fight and leaves to end an absolutely incredible 20 minutes of television.

Just like you can wind up Bryan Danielson and get a **** match out of him, you can wind up CM Punk and get a **** promo.

CM Punk v. QT Marshall

Well good luck topping that with a match.  QT’s geeks distract Punk for a minute, but Punk comes back with the FULL BODY SLAMS, not once, not twice, but THRICE, and then he actually hits a fourth one!  What a sick monster.  Do you want to break the guy’s back?  The ref tosses the goons to the dressing room, at which point Punk hits a FIFTH bodyslam.  For those wondering why I’ve been calling them “CM Punk bodyslams” in the 1984 rants, that’s why.  QT gets some offense in the corner, but Punk puts him down with a back elbow and whips him into the corner.  QT stomps him down for two and goes to a neck vice.  Punk comes back with a backdrop and clotheslines QT to the floor, following with a clothesline off the apron, THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING. I guess that doesn’t really apply if you’re jumping off the apron, I just got too excited.  Back in, QT necks him on the way into the ring and puts the boots to him, and follows with a suplex and legdrop for two.  QT hits him with a knee to the gut for two.  QT goes to a neck vice and follows with a pretty epic powerbomb for two.  But then Punk makes the comeback, hits the flying elbow, and finishes with the GTS at 11:05. Felt very slow and clunky most of the way and even the announcers were kind of making excuses for Punk by the end.  **1/2

Meanwhile, Christian Cage announces that Jurassic Express are the new #1 contenders to the tag titles, and this time they’re going to win them because they’ve got him.

Meanwhile, in catering, Eddie Kingston is enjoying a snack in peace when 2.0 interrupts and accuses him of not being hungry anymore.  “What about this cake?”  But then things get heated and beverages are tossed and the brawl is on.  “Where’s Tony Garea when you need him?” quips Jim Ross.

Colton & Billy Gunn v. Bear Country

The Gunns attack the Bears at the bell, but Colton gets thrown out and Boulder presses Billy and sends him out there as well.  Colton sends one of the Bears into the stairs while the announcers argue over which Bear is which, but Bronson makes a comeback on Colton in the ring.  But then Austin trips up the Bear and Colton hits the dreaded Colt 45 for the pin at 1:45.  This was no good.  ½*  This brings out Sting and Austin stupidly charges at him, at which point Darby flies out of the tunnel and takes him out to even the score with the Gunns.

January 8:  BATTLE OF THE BELTS

Meanwhile, Adam Cole and Bobby Fish are pissed off about “Friendsgiving” and accuse the Best Friends of being HORRIBLE friends, compared to the special friendship shared by Bobby and Adam.  Huge if true.  What kind of a name is “Yuta” anyway?

Meanwhile, Team Taz sits down with Dante Martin for their official contract offer, but Taz wants to know why the hell Lio Rush is even in the room.  Lio denies wanting to be a part of it, but Dante actually does sign the contract and Hook celebrates by offering him a chip.  And he accepts it!

TBS tournament quarter-finals:  Jamie Hayter v. Thunder Rosa

They fight over a lockup and Hayter gives her a rabbit punch on the ropes and slaps her around, before they fight to the floor and Hayter gets run into the railing.  They slug it out on the floor and back into the ring where Hayter stomps her down and chokes away on the ropes.  Rosa fights back with a dropkick to send Hayter to the floor and follows her out for a suplex on the floor.  Back in, Hayter gets another shot and beats on Rosa with a kick to the back for two.  Hayter pounds on her and takes her to the top rope while the crowd is split between them, but Rosa sends her down and hits a missile dropkick to come back.  Rosa with a shotgun dropkick in the corner for two.  Hayter fires back with a backbreaker for two, but Rosa fights up and they slug it out.  Rosa takes her down with a legsweep and moves into a submission hold, but Britt Baker comes in to break it up while Rebel takes the ref.  But then a superkick hits Hayter by mistake and Rosa rolls her up for the pin at 10:41 to advance.  Pretty good hard-hitting match.  ***1/4

Meanwhile, 2.0 interrupts a Chris Jericho promo, which leads to Jericho threatening them for interrupting him.  “See that guy’s head?  It’s like a Rubik’s Cube.”

Meanwhile, at Britt Baker’s Friendsgiving celebration, it’s pretty awkward even with Tony Schiavone and Rebel there for support.  But Tony has bad news, because it turns out that Riho was never eliminated at All Out, so Britt has to face her in a non-title match on Rampage.  Britt’s so mad that she’s not even doing the DMD thing!

Bryan Danielson v. Colt Cabana

Bryan takes him down right away and tries for the armbar, but Colt makes the ropes and takes a cheap shot as well.  Danielson tries a wristlock and Colt reverses and takes him down, at which point Bryan slips out and starts pounding Colt with chops and kicks in the corner.  Bryan charges and misses for a corner bump, allowing Colt to make the comeback and slug him down.  Flying Apple misses and Bryan suplexes him and follows with the running dropkick in the corner before beating on him with more chops.  Colt fights him off and gets the moonsault for two, but Danielson sweeps the leg to take him down for the curb stomps, and then locks in the Intellectual Property Lock for the submission at 5:00 while flexing, probably just for Dave Meltzer.  Just a quick squash by Danielson standards.  **1/2  After the break, Tony interviews Danielson in the ring, and he accuses the crowd of being FICKLE and shows off Colt’s tooth after kicking it out of his mouth.  And next week they’re in Atlanta, where a couple of more Dark Order members can get their heads kicked in, and this brings out Hangman Page to interrupt.  Chalk up another “Daniel Bryan” for JR.  I think needs something a swear jar where he has to deposit a quarter every time he does it.  So Hangman is dressed to wrestle this week and wants the title match RIGHT HERE, but Bryan points out that he’s already wrestled a match so UH NO THANKS.  Hangman offers a fight and gives him the first shot, which Bryan takes, but Page sets him up for the Buckshot Lariat and Bryan runs away.

Meanwhile, we get a video package for the Ruby Soho-Kris Statlander match next week.  Apparently the stakes are so high that the loser advances and the winner goes home!  I know JR has got some shit going on right now but maybe he should take a few weeks off.

Malakai Black, Andrade & FTR v. Cody Rhodes, Pac & The Lucha Bros

The crowd does not care for Cody either.  Cody grabs a headlock on Dax to start, but Dax returns the favor and tries the slingshot suplex, which Cody escapes.  Cody with a powerslam and he throws the weight belt into the crowd, so the crowd throws it back and Andrade freaks out and throws it under the ring.  Meanwhile Pac and Dax ignore the silliness and carry on, with Pac hitting a backdrop suplex in the corner to bring in Cash for an elbowdrop. And then Cody retrieves his belt and puts it back on again while the crowd mocks him.  Penta comes in for the flying nutcracker on Cash, and that gets two.  They trade chops, but Wheeler hits him with a clothesline and Andrade comes in for two.  Fenix comes in with a rana on Andrade and a dropkick for two, and the Death Triangle triple-team him with kicks while Cody wisely stays away.  Cody comes in to thunderous boos, so the heels work him over in the corner and the crowd is all about that.  Back to Fenix, who hits FTR with a double cutter and then takes Andrade to the floor with a springboard rana.  Tully provides distraction and Black puts the boots to Fenix in the corner to take over as Andrade whips off the pants because he means business.  Isn’t that Angel Garza’s gag?  Fenix fights back with a suplex on Dax, but Cash cuts off the ring again with a suplex and chokes him out on the ropes and then calls for a 619, which misses completely, allowing Fenix to hit his own and make the hot tag to Penta.  He runs wild with a DDT on FTR, and a backstabber on Andrade for two.  Over to Pac, who chases everyone with elbows and hits a snap german on Black.  They head to the floor and Pac fights him off and beats on Andrade in the ring, but Cash hits a NASTY backbreaker on him.  Dax piledrives Pena, but Fenix comes in with a missile dropkick.  Cody hits Black with the suplex, but superkicks Pac by mistake and Andrade takes him out.  But then Andrade charges Pac and gets suplexed into the corner, and we get a tease of TULLY BLANCHARD V. ARN ANDERSON.  Jose tries to stop it and they team up to get rid of him, but then the match interrupts the showdown again and the Luchas chase FTR to the floor.  Penta and Fenix hit dives, but Black sprays mist in Pac’s eyes and Andrade DDTs him for the pin at 16:14.  This ended up having an awesome finish along with whatever was going on with Cody “I’ll never turn heel” Rhodes.  That errant superkick HAD to be a clue, though.  ****

I’d say you should go out of your way to watch the MJF-Punk promo battle, because it lived up to everything we were expecting and then some.  Rest of the show was clearly second-tier by Dynamite standards, though.