The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.19.94
Taped from White Plains NY on February 1 (with an attendance of 3000, “heavily papered” according to historyofwwe.com. Ouch.)
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Stan Lane
The sound is really screwed up at times on this one for some reason, sounding like the tracking is slipping on a VHS tape.
Owen Hart v. Marty Jannetty
Holy SHIT is this an empty arena. They actually did a zoom out shot to start and it’s like they’re in someone’s garage. Owen, who is the best, goes to give his glasses to some kid at ringside but then tears them up and throws them on the ground instead. Marty gives Owen a clean break on the ropes to start and Owen shoves him down in disgust, and they trade flippy reversals off the armdrag. Marty wins that battle and they both kip up and slug it out, before Marty hits him with armdrags and chases him to the floor with a dropkick. Back in, Owen lays him out and drops a knee on the back, then follows with the leg lariat for two. Marty comes back with a superkick for two and a powerslam for two. Owen gets the belly to belly for two, but he charges and Marty clotheslines him out of the corner for two. Rollup gets two, but Owen catches him with a neckbreaker and finishes him with the Sharpshooter at 4:18. Pretty damn good for a short match. Also the Quebecers v. Razor & Marty tag team title match on RAW that they hyped throughout the match did not end up happening due to Marty getting fired between this taping and that one. 1 for 1.
Meanwhile, Bret Hart has words for Lex Luger and wishes him luck, but he’s ready to beat Lex should he advance past Yokozuna. Yeah well that would require Luger to win a World title match without choking so let’s not hold our breaths.
And then at this point, we get a historic moment, as Vince boots Stan Lane off to Face to Face and JOHNNY POLO replaces him on commentary, and I’m hoping that lasts for a while. Johnny immediately complains about the chairs being uncomfortable.
KWANG v. Scott Taylor
Vince immediately wonders if Kwang is “some kind of orange drink” while Taylor flips over Kwang in the corner and gets some shine only to walk into a clothesline. Kwang celebrates by spewing red mist, although maybe THAT’S Tang. Kwang with a superkick and that finishes at 1:22. Polo meanwhile immediately annoys Vince by calling him “Vic”. I don’t know if there’s an inside joke there but annoyed Vince is always hilarious. 2 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH STAN LANE!
So speaking of people’s faces, Jim Ross suffered an attack of Bell’s Palsy on the January 30 episode RAW, and Vince fired him on February 11, which is why Stan was moved to this prestigious spot. Our guest this week is Shawn Michaels, so explains how a “ladder match” works, although I’m still not sold on it. You know what would make it better? Take five undertrained women who can barely work a match as it is and maybe one of the top women in the world for variety and put it on live TV in front of 300 people. Now THAT will make you some money, PAL!
WWF Women’s title: Alundra Blayze v. Heidi Lee Morgan
Polo clarifies that Blayze is a “sexy little tart” but she’s no Johnny Polo. Morgan attacks to start and gets a dropkick, but Blayze chops her down. “Doesn’t Pierre need a backrub or something?” wonders Vince. “Nah, I’ve got girls to do that for him” notes Polo. Blayze gets a couple of slams and goes up, but Morgan slams her off and follows with another slam for two. Blayze reverses out of a german and finishes with a northern lights suplex at 1:50 to retain. This was BAD. Blayze looked like she hurt herself and they were wandering around trying to figure out the next spot multiple times. 2 for 3.
WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH TODD PETTENGIL!
We get words from Crush and Randy Savage, and also Sy Sperling has been named the official hair consultant for Wrestlemania. We get a wacky mockup of Bastion Booger with hair, although Booger had hair for his entire career until Vince made him shave his head.
Earthquake v. Jim Massanger
It’s the big return of the Earthquake as a babyface, and the jobber attacks from behind, which Polo approves of. “When you have my kind of money you can afford to be a poor sport. And be rude.” He speaks the truth. Quake misses a blind charge but puts the guy down with a dropkick anyway, then finishes him with the usual butt splash at 1:52. Just the same old Quake and he wasn’t really gone long enough to qualify as a big return. 2 for 4. Quake announces he’s facing Ludvig Borga at Wrestlemania, but sadly we did not get this epic clash of Natural Disaster v. Nature Crusader.
The Funeral Parlor with Paul Bearer and the sound problems are REALLY noticeable here with Undertaker’s music, sounding like the tape machine needs to be lubricated or something. His guests are Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette. Cornette makes insinuations that the coin toss was rigged in Luger’s favor by Jack Tunney. Huge if true. Luger promises to slam Yoko and win the WWF title at Wrestlemania. Luger still sounds bored doing what should have been the biggest promos of his career.
Diesel v. Mike Moraldo
So we set up another thrilling run, as Nikolai Volkoff is in the front row in a stupid return that led to the Million Dollar Corporation, one of the most useless stables in the history of professional wrestling. Diesel throws Moraldo around and finishes him with Snake Eyes at 1:20, still looking for a finishing move. 2 for 5.
FACE TO FACE! WITH STAN LANE!
Our guest is Owen Hart, who once again stresses that Bret is TOO DAMN SELFISH.
Next week: Razor Ramon! The Quebecers! Bret Hart v. Adam Bomb!
The show was desperately needing a heel commentator to bounce off Vince McMahon instead of Stan Lane but the rest of the show was pretty flat this week.