WWE Crown Jewel: October 21, 2021

This COVID-19 man … it’s been a rough 18 months. Like it wasn’t bad enough that I had booked a trip to Florida to attend Wrestlemania 36 with a friend of mine and had to cancel, but more importantly, my supply chain to Saudi Arabian shows has been cut off! 

This is the only thing I look forward to in wrestling! I’m still a network subscriber, and I’ll periodically fire up a PPV here and there, but it all starts to blend together. There’s like 6 Seth Rollins clones, one of which might actually be Seth – who can tell anymore? 

Saudi Arabia on the other hand. ANYTHING can happen! We’ve had random 500-pound Japanese dudes show up inside oversized Royal Rumbles! Requested appearances for Yokozuna and the Warrior! Shane McMahon being crowned the best in the world! Lesnar smashing everyone, even when it defied all booking logic! The disastrous return of DX, Undertaker and Goldberg trying to legitimately kill each other, giant lounge chairs, women wrestling in 45 layers of clothing, prayer hours, everything Mansoor, hijacked planes for ransom, this show has EVERYTHING! 

The lack of Saudi Arabian shows has been really hard on me. I’ve been depressed. I haven’t left the house in over a year. I lay in bed all day, dreaming of a future that involves a goddamn hot mess. Well that ends today! Baby, I’m BACK! 

Despite being a Canadian, I’ll be watching along with you on the Peacock App. How? I’ll NEVER TELL! 

The best part of Peacock? Customizing the login screen. I could sit here all day and marvel at those dimples on Slater. 

 

I went ahead and skipped the pre-show because this is PLENTY LONG ENOUGH, and I am ONE MAN! My time MATTERS! (Ok, not really, but I COULD be playing NBA 2K21 or something – I’m right on the cusp of leading the Pelicans to the promised land! Chris Paul eat your heart out!) 

This show is coming to us LIVE from the Kingdom of Jamal Khashoggi’s memorial site. I need Tony Schiavone on hand to tell us the fans are LITERALLY hanging from the rafters, and actually be right for a change. Our announcers are MICHAEL COLEBYRON SAXTON, and COREY GRAVES who has borrowed one of Seth Rollins’ suits. Arabian announce team JUDE ALDAJANI and FAISAL ALMUGHAISIB are also here. Will their table be in one piece at the end of the night? Will the wrestlers? 

There is no time to answer that because we’re diving headfirst into the pool. 

SETH ROLLINS vs. EDGE (in a Hell in a Cell match) 

The backstory for this feud is great stuff. Anytime you can leverage years of history into a feud is time well spent, and frankly, I know you’re here for the snark – but I ain’t gonna do it when they get it right. I WILL point out, however, there’s a lot of camels beside the stage. That’s also not a joke. Are they a plot device? A weapon for inside the cell? The only safe method of transportation to get Kevin Nash to the ring without injury? I’ll be on pins and needles. Meanwhile, I’ve seen this shift on the InterWebs where I guess it’s cool to hate Edge these days, which I don’t get. Dolph Ziggler is still around. If we focus our collective hate over there, maybe HE goes away. Let’s aim to do better. Elsewhere, referee JESSICA CARR has made sure to wear long sleeves tonight, lest her arms give the fans a collective erection. 

The fans burst into a “THIS IS AWESOME” chant so fast, you’d think this was a Kenny Omega wankfest. Much like AEW fans, they’re also being paid off. Edge takes control right away, the same way he would if he met your girlfriend. He finds a chair on the outside, gives Seth a jumping DDT, and decapitates the chair like a Saudi Arabian journalist. He tries to use one of the legs with a crossface, but Seth fights away from it and dropkicks Edge to the floor. Seth starts to look under the ring for any dastardly weaponry, like a chair, a table, or a bomb, but Edge gives him a baseball slide to the face. Back in, Seth beats Edge with the chair carcass, and the fans chant “YOU SUCK” but it sounds like “RU-SEV” with their accents. Expect it to be muted on future broadcasts. Edge SWEEPS THE LEG, and locks on a Crossface. The referee begs for him to break the hold, but this is Saudi Arabia, and as a woman she holds no authority. Rollins desperately grabs the chair leg and stabs Edge in the eye, then races up to the top rope because selling is a dead art, and hits the frog splash for 2. Rollins claws at Edge’s eye, and the announcers speculate that Edge is now blind. Not to worry, it’ll grow back. Just ask Rey Mysterio Jr. Edge flails around aimlessly, so Seth drops him and heads up to the top rope. Suddenly, Edge can see – and I’d love to praise Jesus, but our good lord ain’t setting foot in this country. Seth is shoved off the top pretty violently, crashing full speed into the side of the cell, then through a table. Good gawd, that was a good looking spot. The fans break into a ritualistic chant, but it’s just Ole Ole, so everyone can relax. Edge brings the steps into the ring, then flattens Seth with the Edge O Matic head first on them! I haven’t seen anyone’s head treated this badly since … hey, Edge is on the top rope with a chair, and drops an elbow WITH the chair onto Seth who’s still on the stairs. 

Michael Cole says Edge needs to dig into his deepest darkest parts, but that’s not legal here. He goes for the spear, but Rollins superkicks him mid charge and gets 2. He sets up the stomp, but Edge pops up, hits the buckle bomb on Seth, follows with a spear, and STILL only gets 2! Edge looks under the ring, and while I’m hoping he grabs a camel, he settles on a table. Not enough, he goes back, and gets a ladder this time – maybe to help him mount a camel? I demand the camels get involved, otherwise what’s the point? Seth somehow gets control back, and then he saunters around taking a half hour to decide what he wants to do next. He settles on putting Edge on the table, but because Edge has had enough time to catch his breath, see a doctor, enjoy a nice meal, and take a shower, he immediately stands up as soon as Rollins starts to climb the ladder, and they fight on top of it. Rollins still wins anyway, delivering a super sunset powerbomb off the top! Quality spot. Edge still somehow kicks out. Come on man, when you deliver a sweet finish like that, use it AS A FINISH! Rollins starts spamming superkicks, and we take a long loving look at his back tattoo while he grabs a chain. I don’t know if Seth has ever talked about the Asian lettering on his back, but I’m happy to translate. It reads: 

Elias 

Drew 

Mustafa 

Mansoor 

Roman 

One for each of his clones. Just wait til you see this referenced in a Facebook clickbait story. “SETH ROLLINS HATES HIS KID – FIND OUT WHAT HIS TATTOOS REALLY MEAN”. Seth wraps the chain around his foot and superkicks Edge in the face. Edge’s back is also sliced right up, meaning his flight home is gonna be just slightly less uncomfortable than sharing a plane with Ric Flair. Seth goes for a stomp with the chain, but before he can commit homicide, Edge blocks him and superkicks Seth in the face. Edge grabs a toolbox (where did THAT come from?) and jabs a wrench into Seth’s mouth during a Crossface. Seth won’t tap – and Edge looks confused that THIS didn’t work, forgetting that you need to put the dogs in the enclosed pool area first. So instead, he stomps Rollins’ head on the steel chair, and this comes to an end at 27:40. ***½ “We all went to HELL!” says Corey. He doesn’t clarify, which for his safety, is probably best. Edge for world champion, I’m done with Samoan Joe. 

MUSTAFA ALI vs. MANSOOR 

Pakistani Seth Rollins vs. Saudi Arabian Seth Rollins! I’m jacked to the tits for this one, the ridiculous Mansoor hometown push never gets old. The camels are ALSO jacked, spitting all over the place to celebrate Mansoor’s homecoming. Mansoor’s got a haircut since I last saw him, and he’s looking more like Manny from Southie. So apparently, Ali’s been mentoring Manny back in the USA, but that all fell apart when Ali said Krispy Kreme was superior to Dunkin’, and it was on. Ali tries to cripple Manny by dropping him neck first across the ring apron, while Corey reminds us Manny is fucked cuz people never win in their hometowns. Of course, now that he’s from Cambridge and holds incredibly strong opinions about Brian Dalbec and Josh McDaniels, he’ll be fine. Ali locks on the camel clutch, but without a camel it had no hope. Ali tries a tornado DDT, and I’m stopping to reflect about how old I am cuz if anyone hit a move like that in, say, 1989, my mind would have been BLOWN. Now it’s a transition move. This is probably all Kidman’s fault, along with ruining my chances to hook up with Torrie Wilson, and making me think it was cool to wear jorts. Ali goes to finish with … some spinning something or other, but Manny moves and makes THE CRAZY EYES! He hits the moonsault, goes for the pin, but Ali rolls through and applies the Koji Kingston Clutch. I’d have called it Klutch, but damn man, I’m not Hulk Hogan. Ali tries the 450, misses, and a quick slingshot neckbreaker from Manny gets the pin at 10:00! ** I demand he face Goldberg next! I don’t even mean next time, I mean right now. The dude can’t lose, let’s just take this push to the moon! 

Before we get there, Ali attacks Manny from behind, and is immediately shot down in a firestorm of AK47’s. While he bleeds out, we’re interrupted by SOMEONE IN A KARATE GI AND AN ARABIC HEADPIECE. Anything short of Ernest Miller threatening to whoop everybody is going to be a HUGE letdown. However, it’s actually TAREK HAMDI, an Olympic silver medalist in Karate from Saudi Arabia. He kicks Ali in the head, then makes sweet brotherly love to Manny! Now that’s a wicked pissa! VIVA LA SAUDI ARABIA! 

AJ STYLES and OMOS vs. RKBROOOOOOO (for the World Tag-Team titles) 

Omos is awesome. I’ve seen him wrestle about 3 times now, and every time I do, he’s selling punches like he’s an extra-terrestrial who’s been given a lead role in a Shakespearean drama. However – while I’m getting stoked for him, Riddle delivers by stealing one of the camels and riding it to the ring! Orton is walking dangerously close behind, and I’m on edge waiting for him to get kicked into another dimension, or shit on. I’d prefer the latter, call it delicious karma coming around from a previous lifetime. Riddle starts with AJ, and I don’t think I’ll ever get comfortable with his bare foot look, because without the boots and pads he looks like he’s at a Sears underwear shoot. He and Randy work the quick tags, beating AJ around, but Riddle stupidly gives a gutwrench to Styles that places him right back in front of Omos, and the big guys gets the easy tag. Riddle turns things over to Orton, and Randy does an incredible sell job of managing to feign false confidence while looking terrified. I assume he learned it after spending like 5 minutes in the streets of Saudi Arabia. Omos stands on Orton’s face, and tags back into AJ. I don’t think I get that, if the big guy can’t lose and AJ eats all the pins, why bother letting him in? Omos could be tagging with Mohammed bin Salman and it would probably be more effective – who’s gonna try to pin that guy? Riddle hits AJ with an exploder, a senton, and a kick to the face to get 2. Styles comes back with the Pele kick, but that does nowhere cuz Riddle hits him hard with a knee to the face. Orton tags in, throws AJ into Omos to knock the big guy off the apron, but Omos is back up and tries to chokeslam Orton. RIddle makes the save, but the distraction’s given AJ a chance to springboard back in … right into an RKO! Riddle tags in and hits the Floating Bro to retain at 8:40. *½ – this loses points for not having the camel involved, and for failing to give me more Omos. I’m campaigning for him to face The Barbarian at Wrestlemania in a “loser sells first” match. 

Backstage, A PILE OF LAUNDRY is being interviewed. The voice sounds suspiciously like Becky Lynch. She knows how a “triple tret works”. Ok then. 

ZELINA VEGA vs. DOUDROP (for the Queen of the Ring title) 

Both women are wearing their usual ring gear, covered by yoga pants, covered by sweatpants, covered by snowpants, covered by waders. They also got an XXXXL t-shirt for Doudrop to ensure we can’t get a glimpse of her boobage curves. After some back and forth, Doudrop misses a cannonball (of her own – not one fired at her), and Vega nearly scores a pinfall. Doudrop comes back with a spinning sidewalk slam, and Cole yells “DOUDROP, TO WIN THE KIN…EENS CROWN!” There’s only one king here and he’s paying for this event, you tread lightly Michael. Vega scores a Code Red powerbomb out of nowhere, and they shock me by not going to the comedy route and having Vega capture the crown at 5:55! However, seeing the robe, it should have been evident, because there’s no chance that was going to fit Doudrop – that thing would be squeezing her neck like a cobra, and Graves would be yukking it up screaming “DOUDROP IS BLUEDROP!” before she dies. That’s cold, Corey, don’t be a dick. DUD 

“THE ALMIGHTY” BOBBY LASHLEY vs. “BILL” GOLDBERG (in a falls count anywhere Mexican hardcore match for the WCW world heavyweight title) 

Goldberg has vowed to leave Lashley’s lifeless body in the middle of the ring gasping for air; also known as “Good Old Thursday” in Saudi Arabia. Did you know that Goldberg’s current WWE retirement tour has lasted twice as long as his WCW career did? And you know what? I’m fine with that. Until they can bottle his intensity and teach it to the rest of the modern geeks, keep deploying him. I actually thought he’d be the one taking the belt off Lashley, and despite the fact I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the run of the Almighty, the story with Gage Goldberg led to that being a natural conclusion and I’m all ‘bout the stories baby! Lashley wraps his fist with a chain he borrowed from whichever Seth was in the opening match, and punches Goldberg in the head until he starts to bleed. With Goldberg laid out and dizzy, Lashley grabs a chair and tees off on Da Man. That ain’t enough, and I’m begging Bubba Ray to hollar “LASHLEY, GET THE CAMELS!” – but he gets a table instead and sets it in the corner. Goldberg gets to his feet, but Lashley instantly chop blocks him and continues to maul him. Chair is set up for the Pillmanizer, and Lashley stomps on it repeatedly. As Goldberg stumbles around, Lashley goes for a spear, but he slips in the lake of sweat he’s filled the ring with and crashes through the table in the corner. That gives Goldberg what he needs to hit the SPEAR – FUCK YEAH BABY! Jackhammer hits – I saw some shaking but he got through it – but instead of going for the pin, Goldberg removes his gloves and applies some Bengay and takes a shot of Humera. They head to the floor, and Lashley gets speared through the barricade while Goldberg vows murder! Let’s be clear, I’m not making that up, he full on said he’d kill him. While the Saudi royalty in the front row immediately begin making plans to make him a prophet, Goldberg puts Lashley’s head in a homemade vice made out of stairs, then tries to smash it like a watermelon with ANOTHER set of stairs. Had he hit it, he’d have been upgraded from prophet to God – but Lashley rolls away. THE HURT BUSINESS grab some kendo sticks they borrowed from random audience members, but Goldberg fights them off and beats the shit out of Lashley til the stick is in splinters. Lashley staggers to his feet, so Goldberg spears him off the stage, through a bunch of tables, and pins Lashley with his hands around his throat to score the win at 11:25! Call me a mark who “doesn’t understand wrestling”. I loved this. I just wish he’d broken out the Jackbuster he used on The Undertaker to really add an excramation mark on this one. ***½ 

FINN BALOR vs. XAVIER WOODS (for the King of the Ring) 

This is a bit of a shocker for a finals, but I don’t watch the stuff week to week, and I am pretty sure I’ve only seen Xavier wrestle like 5 times in my life. Still, I gotta root for him here, as the “other” New Day member who’s probably never gonna be mixing it in the world title picture, this is a pretty sweet consolation prize. I find it downright hilarious that we’ve once again got Jessica Carr out here, covered in more layers than an onion, while Finn is parading around in the world’s tightest banana hammock. Xavier grinds his elbow into Finn’s shoulder, but Finn transitions into a crossface, the only transition allowed under Saudi law. Xavier gets out and hits a Harlem sidekick, then Pele’s him from the apron! A tornado DDT is blocked, and Finn brings the chops! The fans boo cuz they’re not halal, so Finn hits the sling blade. Some folks call it a kaiser blade, I call it a sling blade. Woods nails a superkick out of nowhere, but only gets 2. Both guys start trading blows, and an overhead kick from Finn drops them both. Finn’s up first, and he fires some elbows into Xavier’s ear. Balor heads up, but Woods cuts him off and hits a superplex for 2! Balor hits another sling blade, goes to Cut The Grass, but Xavier sidesteps, tries La Majistral but it’s only good for 2. Enzuigiri sets up a gutbuster, and Woods goes up again. This time the springboard elbow is on point, and Woods is YOUR 2021 KING OF THE RING at 9:40! I love stuff like this, Finn didn’t need the title – great decision! An emotional Woods takes his seat on his throne, kisses the scepter, and screams “KING WOOOOOOOODS!” He’s then whisked backstage by the Prince and never seen again. ** 

SETH MCINTYRE (with sword) vs. BIG E LANGSTON (in a loser skips Leg Day match for the WWE championship) 

Big E has a long conversation with his title belt en route to the ring, and I’m not sure he knows it’s an inanimate object. It’s giving me Moppy vibes, and not in a good way. Has anyone put that belt under a black light? They immediately go into the big bulls refusing to be knocked down routine, just TWO MEN SLAPPING MEAT! I swear to god I don’t remember Drew being this tall during his initial run, I feel like he grew a foot and a whole lotta body hair in his time with TNA. They battle to the floor where Drew hits a belly to belly, taking Big E like a good five feet in the air. Back in, Drew hits the Scottish legsweep and gets 2. Big E tries to get something going, but he winds up walking into a spinebuster for 2. Drew’s being a bit cocky with his pinfalls here – and he pays for that when Big E starts pounding him with a series of throws, and then stops to teabag McIntyre. A big splash, Warrior style, gets 2 – but Big E’s all fired up now and clapping like Jason Garrett on a fourth and long. Drew ain’t having that and hits a Michinoku driver out of nowhere for 2! Drew charges in the corner, running right into a Rock Bottom for 2! Drew stands and delivers a Glasgow kiss, but Big E doesn’t even sell cuz he’s part Samoan probably, so Drew hits the Futureshock for 2. Claymore is stopped mid move and turned into a powerbomb, which Big E turns into a standing leglock, but Drew rolls through to safety. Big E was waiting, nails the Big Ending … for 2? Well, shit, now what? They fight to the top rope, but Drew turns the tide and hits a super bulldog for 2! A Claymore follows, and you can hear the air rush out of the stadium, which was NOT from an anthrax assault, but Big E amazingly kicks out at 2! Drew can’t believe it, the fans can’t believe it, and the camels ESPECIALLY can’t believe it, and during all this disbelief between Drew and the fans and the camels, Big E hits the Big Ending to retain at 13:25! Post match, Big E tells Drew “me and my baby got big plans! We just getting started over here!” Big E heads off into the night to continue his honeymoon, while Drew grumbles that when he and the belt broke up, all she ever did was complain about her migraines and watch TikTok videos. **½ 

Friends, I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but we’re getting dangerously close to the end of the show, and we haven’t had a true Saudi moment. I’m going to need to schedule you all to attend your one hour prayer session, and ask whomever your deity is to bring me nothing but pure, unadulterated Saudi Arabia! 

If one of the camels rides Brock Lesnar to the ring, all is forgiven. 

BECKY LYNCHING IS PROBABLY LEGAL HERE vs. SASHA BANKS vs. BIANCA BELAIR (in a threeway for the Smackdown women’s title) 

The fireworks during Sasha’s entrance sounded like a round of gunfire – and it’s probably not good I had to pause and make sure everyone in the ring was still ok. As usual, the girls are covered in a trilion layers of clothing, and the only evident titties are Tony Chimel’s. Bro, that jacket comes in a medium now, upsize. The fans immediately break into a Becky chant, because her new direction of violently blindsiding her enemies is incredibly appealing to their values. Bianca press slams Sasha with one hand, while Corey tells us it’s impossible not to be a fan of Bianca. As usual, he’s wrong cuz I can’t stand her. Becky trips her up and drags her to the floor for a six hour nap, allowing Sasha and Banks to do their thing for awhile. Of course I don’t like THEM either, so that didn’t really solve any of my problems. Sasha tries the Backstabber, but Becky blocks with the ropes. Bianca considers re-entering, but is knocked back to the floor. Sasha applies the Banks Statement, but Bianca saves the day. Becky sunset flips Sasha into Belair, who then throws Sasha right back into Becky. Bianca puts the Torture Rack on Sasha which she borrowed from the law enforcement, but Becky dropkicks the both of them. Becky hits Belair with a bulldog for 2, and when Sasha considers returning, she takes a guillotine, which Becky borrowed from a rich kid in the front row. Exploders are detonated on everyone, which Becky borrowed from the camels. Becky heads up for … god knows what, but she lands in a perfect seated position and slammed into the corner despite telling both girls they’re all friends. Sasha and Bianca trade nearfalls, but that hasn’t ended a match since Frank Gotch’s era. I can’t take my eyes off Bianca’s thighs, she’s got so much padding under there she’s thicker than Big E, and looks like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man. Sasha can’t get the Frog Splash, but Bianca sends her packing. Bianca gives Becky a spinebuster for 2, and the failure to end the match has Belair looking ready to cry. Or, possibly because she’s stuck in this fascist regime – who’s to say? Bianca does this pretty wild vertical suplex where she lifts Becky from a seated position and then has to physically power her over. She has no time to celebrate this feat of strength though, because Banks and Becky immediately lock her in the Banks Statement AND Disarmher simultaneously. Of course she can’t tap since she has no arms to do that (because they’re in the holds – not because they were cut off for showing too much skin, let’s be clear), so they release to focus on each other instead. Banks wraps on the Banks Statement, but Belair just moonsaults onto the both of them for 2. Sasha and Belair start using each other’s hair as weapons, which works better for Banks since Bianca’s hair is a thick velvet rope, while Sasha’s hair is just a blonde wig that’s been sitting in a jug of Kool Aid. Bianca pulls her hair back to trip up Sasha, and now Becky’s back in the fray to save Sasha from getting pinned. We get a gratuitous shot of Bianca’s crotch on a replay, but the forty pounds of padding have ensured the only camel toe we’ll be seeing is hanging back by the staging area. Becky hits the Manhandle Slam on Sasha, but Belair saves the day by potatoing Becky in the face. There’s no faking that, she absolutely gave it to her. Becky gets in her face, and I can’t tell if she’s acting or legit pissed, but the FIRST shot looks like a receipt before they get into a much more normal “wrestling punching” match. Becky puts Bianca to the apron, and delivers a couple more stiff looking shots. Becky and Belair wind up alone in the ring, and Lynch is able to get a Disarmher on – but Banks saves! It doesn’t matter, because Becky locks it on the BOTH of them, but Bianca powers up and breaks the hold. Sasha hits a Backstabber on Bianca, Becky goes for the Manhandler – but Bianca gets involved and hits Becky with a VIOLENT KOD – and somebody might want to make sure her neck’s ok! Sasha is tossed, but she takes Bianca with her, then gets in to try and steal the KOD pin – but Becky was ready and rolls up Sasha with a hand on the ropes like a good little heel to score the win at 19:25! Byron: “That was perfectly legal!” So are public stonings. **½ 

Cole: “Here’s two guys who didn’t have fun on this trip”. While I was hoping he was going to point to himself and Graves, he was referencing Edge and Rollins in the cell. Was that on this same show? This card has been so long I feel like the opening match involved Tito Santana. 

SAMOAN JOE (with Paul Heyman) vs. BROCK LESNAR (for the WWE universal title) 

My favorite trope in the WWE is the Lesnar / Reigns feud, where every single time Roman should logically go over, Brock just stuffs him with like 75 F5’s and pins him like a bitch. I have no beef with Roman, I’m just a big fan of continuity, so I’m hoping for a complete and total domination of the Tribal Chief. Apparently Lesnar’s now known as the Suplexercist and I just burst out laughing at the absurdity of saying that with a straight face. It’s like Travis d’Arnaud being known as “Little D” – there’s just some nicknames that are best left on the drawing board. Speaking of absurdity, Lesnar’s ponytail just screams “I haven’t had to go out in public for 2 years”. His supple man breasts are giving off the same vibes, to be fair. The boys lock up, and Lesnar instantly turns several shades of purple and starts pissing sweat with such veracity that he scores a 1.6 on the Shane McMahon scale! Brock goes for a suplex, but Roman fights out, so Lesnar just beats the holy fuck out of him in the corner. Roman counters with some major haymakers – these boys came to fight! Roman blocks a suplex by holding the ropes, but that’s as far as he’s getting, cuz Lesnar FINALLY gets one and it’s game on now. The announcers start telling us that Lesnar once dominated Cena, but Roman certainly watched those matches and learned from it. What even IS this drivel? He’s lost to Lesnar on like 14 major shows that occurred AFTER that match, was Heyman the missing ingredient who suggested “let’s watch some tape”? Roman hits a Superman Punch on Brock that knocks him to the floor, and then he hits a bloody incredible tope with some incredible height! Brock’s a wreck, Roman has his shot, rolls him in and hits the spear for 2! The fans losing their minds as Roman hits another pair of Superman Punches, and Lesnar’s cross eyed! He goes for the spear, but Brock leapfrogs over and Roman hits nothing but buckle! Brock’s drowning in his own sweat, and probably needs a snorkel, but he’s able to come up for air and hit three more German suplexes! F5 is on point, and Roman kicks out because he’s got NO SENSE OF TRADITION! Alright Brock, take him to Spam City and hit that F5 button like a Redditor seeing if anyone’s liked their hot take Orange Cassidy being the future of the business. Roman counters the next F5 attempt with a triangle choke, so Brock just gives him a spinebuster and laughs in his stupid face. Brock hits a suplex, obliterating Charles Robinson with Roman’s carcass, and unfortunately his subsequent pinfall matters not. Brock’s pretty upset about that, picking Charles up with one hand by the underoos to see if he’s alive, but he’s not and there’s nothing he can do. Unfortunately, this atomic wedgie gave Roman time to wake up and spear Lesnar, and both guys are down now. Heyman throws the belt in between them and says “YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO”, and Brock grabs it … but THE USOS run in to deliver superkicks. That knocks the belt loose, and Roman wallops Brock with the loose belt just in time for a fresh referee to count the pin at 12:20. GREAT match, high energy, lots of selling, I loved this. **** 

So the good: we got through this without a single Ziggler sighting! Things might be looking up! The bad: What the hell was this nonsense? The matches were good to great, the stories told were excellent, Lesnar didn’t defeat Samoan Joe which just goes against everything I’ve ever known  – I don’t need this! COVID changed you, Saudi. You used to be awful. I need you to be worse moving forward. We had a deal. 

Finally, I’m calling out to you for your support on my OTHER project, my new YouTube channel. I’d love to have your support as I’m working to build it up, and having you check out a few videos, and a subscription would truly mean the world to me. If you hate me, joining to hate watch is appreciated too. A recommended starting point would be my starting multiple fires while trying to recreate a TikTok mistake. 

I’ll see you in February!