The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.12.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 02.12.94

Taped from Fayetteville, NC, and we are FIVE WEEKS AWAY from Wrestlemania, and we even get the Wrestlemania music to kick off the show.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Stan Lane, who is quoting Don Cornelius from Soul Train in honor of Valentine’s Day. Was that Ice Train’s parter on the indies?

Crush v. Jay P. Stryker

That’s a very specifically weird jobber name. Anyway, Stan Lane predicts that after Wrestlemania, either Crush or Randy Savage will be gone from the WWF! He was more right than he knew. Crush misses a charge and Stryker works the arm but he looks like a computer programmer so he’s got no chance. Crush no-sells him and puts him down with a chop as Stan points out that wherever Savage and Crush are, they’re all over each other like two magnets! Not how magnets work, Stan.

Crush gets a press slam and finishes with the head vice at 2:21. I’ve been saying heel Crush should go back to that move! Glad he finally listened to me. 1 for 1.

UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF DENIM JACKETS!

Oh man, anyone who knows me knows I love a good Canadian tuxedo. That being said, the WWF jean jackets have stupid caricatures on the back and I would not wear that. Anyway, let us take you back to the WWF Royal Rumble, where Bret Hart selfishly refused to tag in his brother, and Owen was forced to kick the leg out of his leg. Gorilla thinks that Owen is jealous, but then Gorilla is a fountain of misinformation sometimes. So Gorilla shows us highlights of Bret’s career, including the Hart Foundation winning the tag titles twice, Bret winning the IC title at Summerslam and then at Wrestlemania VIII. But who did he win the World title from, Gorilla? SAY HIS NAME! Even worse, not only doesn’t he mention that it was Ric Flair who Bret beat, but Gorilla says that he won the title in “SASKATOON ALBERTA CANADA”. WHAT THE HELL, MAN? I live in backwards farmland country, not wannabe Texas gun-toting country! Do all Canadians look alike to you, Gorilla? Frankly you’re insulting two entire provinces there. What a piece of work. Plus this show was taped a month ago, they could have had him redo the line in post way before it aired.

Meanwhile, we get the Bret Hart music video and TOM PETTY IS LEFT INTACT?!? Someone was asleep at the switch there. But Owen interrupts the video and points out that Bret Hart accomplished all this stuff, so what does that make him when he wins at Wrestlemania? See, that’s how wrestling used to work before everyone got 50/50’d to death.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Brad Anderson

Whoa, Brad Anderson as in Zan Panzer, Gene’s kid? Impressive. Brad gets some offense and a drop toehold, but Bam Bam flattens him and finishes with the debut of the Lunasault at 1:20. Vince must have enjoyed watching that squash. Apparently Brad burned all his bridges in wrestling and is kind of a piece of crap, but the apple doesn’t fall far from the kayfabe uncle’s tree. 2 for 2 because of Bigelow doing his first moonsault as a Valentine’s Day gift to Luna, even though this show was taped a month before then.

FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!

More Bret Hart here, as he’s not sure about beating up his brother but he’s 100% confident that he’s gonna win.

The Bushwhackers v. Barry Horowitz & Reno Riggins

Can you even imagine people getting licked at ringside these days? SUPER SPREADER ALERT. Butch misses a charge on Barry, but the Whackers trap him in the corner anyway and double-team him. Over to Reno, who quickly collides with Horowitz and lands on the floor. Battering Ram finishes Barry at 1:00. That was the best kind of Bushwhacker match, one minute long. 2 for 3. Also I have no idea why Vince randomly started putting them back on TV one week in 1994.

Meanwhile, Alundra Blayze is the new WWF Women’s champion and she likes to ride bikes and work out and stuff. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, she loves being WWF Women’s champion and she’s incredibly respectful of the title belt. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to add that last part, but it seems important to note.

Ludvig Borga v. Jason Voltaire

And now we lose Ludvig Borga, as his WWF career ended a month before this show aired and it’s like watching the ghost of the Hellraiser from Helsinki. Borga beats on Voltaire in the corner and headbutts him, then follows with a flying clothesline and Bravo-like sideslam. Borga elevates him and hits him with the gutshot on the way down, and he finnishes with the torture rack at 2:04. And so we pour out a bottle of Koskenkorva and say jäähyväiset to Ludvig Borga and one of my favorite running gags. You sucked, Borga. Just awful. 2 for 4.

Meanwhile, on WWF Mania, Crush is doing a promo and Randy Savage attacks him, like some kind of wild man.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT! WITH TODD! EXCLUSIVELY ON WWF SUPERSTARS AND BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE HISTORY OF WRESTLEMANIA VIDEOTAPE FROM COLISEUM VIDEO!

Did you know that you can still get tickets for the Paramount Theater to watch Wrestlemania closed circuit? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? I bet AEW would have sold out the closed circuit airing already by this point. Just saying. Anyway, Razor Ramon defends the Intercontinental title against Shawn Michaels in something called a “ladder match”, where apparently you have to climb a ladder to win the titles. What kind of a stupid stipulation is THAT? Two guys climbing a ladder for 10 minutes?

KILLING THE BUSINESS.

Anyway, speaking of killing the business, Men on a Mission get a tag team title shot at the Quebecers for reasons that elude everyone. Were the Bushwhackers not available?

Rick Martel v. Randy Savage

For some reason we lose the promo for Little Richard’s appearance at Wrestlemania, perhaps because they didn’t want WCW to sue for copying Johnny B. Badd. Anyway, Stan Lane hypes the new edition of the WWF Magazine, where apparently the lead story is Randy Savage talking about being “absolutely 100% drug free”. WHAT? He was probably popping pills while doing the photoshoot for the magazine! Have you seen his wardrobe choices? No one who isn’t high on something dresses in that many clashing colors. Martel stalls and runs away to start, and manages to catch Randy with a kick on the way into the ring to take over. Savage fires back and tosses him, nearly dislodging Rick’s douchebag ponytail in the process, and Martel comes back in and gives Savage a cheapshot to take over again. Savage sends him into the turnbuckle and goes to a headlock before tossing Martel again to cut off his escape. So Martel gets another cheapshot and tosses Savage over the top rope while Vince gives the match his highest rating: SEE SAW MATCHUP BACK AND FORTH. Meltzer would also give it that rating, but only in the Tokyo Dome. Am I doing that one right? Martel whips him into the corner and beats on the back, then goes to a camel clutch, but Savage escapes and gets a sunset flip for two. Martel with a backbreaker for two, but Savage gets a small package for two. Martel puts his head down and Savage sends him to the floor with a high knee and goes up with the double axehandle to the floor, and back in for two. Martel fights back with a knee of his own to send Savage into the corner, but he charges and hits the post and Savage finishes him off with the flying elbow at 8:00. A DAMN good match, totally different than Randy’s usual lazy “sell for 5 minutes and then drop the elbow” nonsense from this time. 3 for 5 and you should go out of your way to check this one out. They should have repackaged Martel into something else and done something with him at this point. He could have joined the stable with the Quebecers.

FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!

Speaking of them, the Quebecers talk about preparing for Men on a Mission. Johnny Polo has it under control, and he’s got a strategy with logarithms and shit. Plus the other team is stupid and so is Oscar. THE MATH CHECKS OUT.

NEXT WEEK: Marty Jannetty v. Owen Hart! Earthquake returns! Alundra Blayze v. Heidi Lee Morgan! Given that Jannetty was fired by the time this show was airing I’m curious why they bothered to promote that match. The match does happen but it’s Marty’s last one in the company for a long while.

Anyway, this was easily the best episode of this show I’ve seen in quite a stretch, as building to Wrestlemania is already giving them some direction and it’s very refreshing.