The SmarK Rant for Coliseum Video presents Crunch Classics

The SmarK Rant for WWF Coliseum Video presents Crunch Classic

Just trawling through the redone WWE Network for content and I found this one in the Coliseum Video collection.  I don’t think I’ve ever done it before, either in the classic Coliseum rants or the modern era, so let’s give it a look!

Released 05.28.92

Hosted by Rowdy Roddy Piper, all hopped up on, let’s say Red Bull.

Intercontinental title:  The Mountie v. Rowdy Roddy Piper

From Royal Rumble 92, of course, as Piper kicks off the tape by putting himself over.  Piper chases Mountie to the floor, but Jimmy Hart runs interference and allows Mountie to get a cheapshot and take over.  Back in, Mountie chokes away, but Piper drops a fist to block a monkey flip.  Piper with a bulldog and a fistdrop for two.  Bobby is already having an aneurism on commentary about Flair and Gorilla is happy to egg him on.  Piper wins a slugfest, but tries a dropkick and misses by a mile as Mountie gets two.  Mountie takes him to the corner for some police pacification techniques and adds a dropkick for two.  Piper comes back with a sunset flip while Bobby relates the time that he had a 113-degree fever but took ½ of a children’s aspirin and he was fine.  I bet the horse paste nuts on Twitter will be advocating for that stuff as the next miracle cure, too.  Piper puts Mountie out with an atomic drop, but he skins the cat back in and charges.  Piper moves, Mountie hits Jimmy Hart, and Piper puts him away with the sleeper at 5:14 to win the title.  And this gives us one of the most masterful Finkel calls ever, as he waits for Piper to clear the ring and beat up the heels, lets the fans build up anticipation, and then announces Piper as the new champion in one of his best ever calls.  And now he’s gone, and Piper’s gone, and the ref is gone, and both announcers are gone, and I’m having mixed feelings.  Well that got dark, sorry.  1 for 1.

Big Bossman & Virgil v. IRS & Ted Dibiase

So this is a dark match from Wrestling Challenge in 1991, before the heels became a regular tag team.  Virgil has the Million Dollar Title here, so that places it sometime between Summerslam and Survivor Series but otherwise I can’t nail down the date.  The heels have trouble getting anything going against Bossman, and Virgil comes in so that Dibiase can beat on him for a bit, but Virgil gets a sunset flip for two.  Atomic drop puts Dibiase on the floor and Bossman gets some free shots on him out there.  Back in, IRS puts Virgil down with the Write off clothesline and drops elbows on him to take over, and the heels (who Sean Mooney notes want to be called “Money Inc”) double-team Virgil.  Too bad Virgil never teamed up with Val Venis, they could have been Fuck Money, Inc.  Dibiase drops the fists on Virgil while Sherri rants at ringside and IRS drops a leg for two.  Dibiase comes in and Virgil comes back with a neckbreaker, but IRS cuts off the tag and drops another elbow.  He tries a suplex and Virgil reverses that, and it’s hot tag Bossman as Sherri tries to climb into the ring and gives us a pretty blatant upskirt shot from the cameraman.  Well now I’m distracted instead of the babyfaces.  Sherri tries to hit Virgil with her shoe, but it hits IRS by mistake, and Virgil rolls him up for the pin at 7:00.  Just a basic house show match but it was fine.  2 for 2.  Irwin tries to beat up Sherri afterwards, but Dibiase bribes him with cold hard cash and he backs off while Bossman declares that “there’s no honor among thieves”.  See, we learned something here, too.

Jimmy Hart gets followed around by Coliseum Video for 24 hours after Roddy does a whole rant about managers and how no one needs them.  So we pick things up with Jimmy arriving at his hotel and checking on his charges, but the desk clerk informs him that his room will be three hours late in being ready.  So Jimmy takes a room in the basement instead, and we pick things up down there with Mountie whining about “his stick”, which is in need of maintenance.  Next up, Money Inc interrupts a phone call where Jimmy is trying to book them on the Arsenio Hall show.  Hopefully it goes better than Hogan’s appearance did.  Then the poor guy is trying to have a nap and the hotel wakes him up because the Nasty Boys are getting ready for their match and about to miss the bell!  And then Jimmy gets locked out of his favorite room to end his day.  Most of the bits didn’t really have any notable payoff.

The New Foundation v. The Nasty Boys

Another dark match from Prime Time Wrestling, which looks to be December 4, 1991.  Anvil slugs it out with Knobbs in the corner and cleans house on the Nasties, and then whips Owen onto them outside.  Back in, Owen works on the arm, but Sags gets a cheapshot on the way in and slugs away.  The Nasties double-team Owen and choke him out on the ropes and Sags drops elbows on him and goes to a chinlock.  Owen fights back with a sunset flip, but Knobbs makes the save and drops more elbows on Owen before going to another chinlock.  Owen is the most generic babyface in peril ever here.  Finally Owen gets a blind tag to Anvil and slingshots him into the ring with a shoulderblock on the Nasties, and Jim runs wild.  Shoulderblock on Knobbs gets two, but Sags blatantly hits the ref for the DQ at 7:30.  The crowd barely even pops for the finish and this was a complete sleepwalk for all four guys aside from one highspot.  2 for 3.

Roddy Piper reminisces about Wrestlemania 3 and the “92,273” people paid attendance, except for him, because he’s a Scotsman and he doesn’t pay for nothing.  It’s true, we are a cheap people.  Well I’m only half-Scottish so sometimes I pay for stuff, like all the different versions of the historical documentary “Braveheart” I’ve bought over the years, but usually check eBay for deals first.

Rowdy Roddy Piper v. Adrian Adonis

Yup, it’s the match from WM3, although now with new commentary from Gorilla Monsoon and Lord Alfred Hayes because FUCK YOU JESSE VENTURA, LOVE VINCE MCMAHON.  I don’t really have anything more to add again, so let’s give it a point and move on.  3 for 4.

The Undertaker v. British Bulldog

Back to the dark matches, with a Prime Time Wrestling match from November 11 1991 this time.  Interestingly, for the week when Undertaker was WWF champion, he defended against Bulldog at house shows a bunch of times before dropping it back to Hogan.  Taker slugs away in the corner and chokes Bulldog out, but misses a charge and Bulldog comes back and clotheslines him to the floor.  Back in, Davey tries to haul him in and Taker necksnaps him from the apron and slugs him down again.  Bulldog tries the delayed suplex and Taker goes dead weight on him to escape (see what I did there?) and puts him down with the flying clothesline.  Taker with the SMOTHER CLAW while Paul Bearer clarifies that THE POWER OF URN COMPELS YOU and then tries to sell him a pillow for some reason.  Bulldog tries a slam and Taker escapes that as well, but Bulldog gets a second attempt at the suplex and this time it works.  But Taker does the zombie situp, so this time Bulldog powerslams him, at which point Paul Bearer distracts the ref by telling him about all his theories of the election fraud and Taker hits Bulldog with the urn and pins him at 7:09.  That one JUST squeaks by enough for a point.  4 for 5.

Rick Martel v. Texas Tornado

This is a dark match from a Superstars taping on December 4 1991 in Austin, TX.  To say that Kerry was rapidly spiralling downhill at this point would be a gross understatement.  Martel stalls to start and slips away from Kerry in the corner, but then grabs a headlock and Kerry runs him into the turnbuckle to break.  Clothesline puts Martel on the floor and they fight out there, as Kerry runs him into the post and Martel takes some pretty good bumps off that given this nothing nacho break match.  Back in, Kerry oafishly misses a charge and hits the post himself, and Martel goes to work on him, but Kerry gets the claw, threatening to mess up Rick’s beautiful face in the process.  So Rick makes the ropes and grabs his spray can for the DQ at 5:59.  Fun fact:  Kerry’s extreme pain here was due to the water in the sprayer washing off the cocaine from his nose, sending him into instant detox.  4 for 6.  Kerry looked like he just wanted to have his paycheque made out to “This Guy On The Corner I Met Last Night” at this point.

Snakes Make Fun Pets with Jake Roberts.  This was an odd inclusion because Jake was long gone in an acrimonious exit from the promotion by the time this tape was released.

Skinner v. Jim Neidhart

Looks like Prime Time Wrestling from September 10 1991.  We get a big stall to start as Skinner runs back to the dressing room for some reason and returns immediately afterwards.  Did he forget to void his bladder before the match or something?  Skinner grabs a headlock to start and stops to spit in his can, allowing Neidhart to get his own headlock.  Skinner hiptosses out of it and does a celebratory dance, hearkening back to Keirn’s days as a heartthrob.  Man that seemed like forever ago.  Skinner goes to another headlock while Alfred wonders about a rule stating that wrestlers need clean clothing in the ring.  Clearly Vader is proof there is not.  Neidhart chases him to the floor and we get more stalling from Skinner as he runs away and Neidhart threatens to throw the can of spit at him and then adds his own spit.  “That’s good clean spit!” Anvil notes.  I dunno, he better hope that they don’t run any tests on it.  Were they doing tests for back alley black tar heroin in 1991?  I hope not for his sake.  Back in the ring, Neidhart grabs a headlock, but Skinner gets a cheapshot and tosses him to take over.  Back in, Skinner chokes him out on the ropes and they fight to the floor for a double countout at 13:14.  But then we learn that actually the time limit had expired.  And the crowd actually boos, presumably because they want to see MORE OF THIS MATCH?!?  Do better, crowd.  4 for 7.

The Natural Disasters v. Sgt. Slaughter & Jim Duggan

And we wrap it up with the match that was supposed to be the tag title match at Wrestlemania VIII before plans changed.  The commentary places this in Lubbock TX, so this would be a dark match from the Saturday Night’s Main Event taping on January 27 1992.  Duggan slugs it out with Typhoon to start and puts him down with a clothesline after a couple of tries.  Over to Slaughter, who mocks the girth of Earthquake and that’s the pot calling the kettle fat.  Duggan and Slaughter double-team Typhoon, but Quake cuts off Duggan’s offense and goes to work on him.  Duggan tries a slam and Quake beats him down to escape and drops an elbow on his back for two.  Typhoon chokes him out on the ropes and then goes to the contractually mandated bearhug before Quake comes in with a backbreaker for two.  Duggan fights back, but Quake goes to his own bearhug as we’re really building to a big finish for this tape, and then Typhoon switches in and YUP YOU GUESSED IT, it’s another bearhug.  Quake misses a blind charge and Duggan makes the hot tag to Sarge, and Typhoon accidentally knocks Quake over.  Who could believe Typhoon could be that clumsy?  It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA and the Disasters double-team Sarge in the corner with double splashes and the megaphone gets involved, so Duggan grabs the board in retribution for the DQ at 9:27.  Good thing Duggan didn’t leave that board lying around, Typhoon might have tripped on it and fallen through a wall or something.  4 for 8.

I’m curious if there was something deleted from this one on the Network because it only runs an hour and forty minutes here and Coliseum Videos were pretty much a standardized 2 hours.  Anyway, I shouldn’t complain about it running 20 minutes shorter than usual, because this was a parade of midcarders sleepwalking through mediocre TV taping dark matches and nothing more, unless we’re counting the pair of randomly inserted Piper matches that are widely available elsewhere.  This one is a hard pass from me, barely even interesting enough to make fun of it.